Pod Insights So True with Caleb Hearon Rosebud Baker has a Tall Baby About this episode Welcome! This week’s guest is the hilarious Rosebud Baker! Rosebud and Caleb talk high school cheerleading, war criminals, raising a child with a fellow comedian, TV dads, and much more!
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So True is a Headgum podcast, created and hosted by Caleb Hearon. The show is produced by Chance Nichols with Associate Producer Allie Kahan and Executive Producer Emma Foley. So True is engineered by Casey Donahue and engineered and edited by Nicole Lyons. Kaiti Moos is our VP of Content at Headgum. Thanks to Luke Rogers for our show art and Virginia Muller our social media manager.
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Transcript 13,235 words · 3 speakers
0:01 Speaker 00 This is a HeadGum Podcast.
0:05 Speaker 01 Like last night, she was in the bath and I heard her, you know, she was like, "Where's mama?" And Andy was like, "Oh, mama's in the other room." She goes, "Mama's onstage." And I was like, "Oh."
0:18 Speaker 00 Oh.
0:19 Speaker 01 Whoops.
0:23 Speaker 01 Whoops.
0:27 Speaker 00 So you're vaping in here?
0:28 Speaker 01 I, sorry.
0:32 Speaker 00 So you're vaping in my beautiful, plain white home?
0:36 Speaker 01 So sorry.
0:37 Speaker 00 I'm just kidding.
0:37 Speaker 01 It will stain the walls.
0:38 Speaker 00 How much are you doing that?
0:40 Speaker 01 Enough to stain the walls.
0:41 Speaker 00 Really?
0:42 Speaker 01 No, it's so bad.
0:43 Speaker 00 I worry about the vape.
0:44 Speaker 01 I know, I do too.
0:45 Speaker 00 Yeah?
0:46 Speaker 01 I do too. I'm a mother. It's not okay.
0:48 Speaker 00 You have a child.
0:49 Speaker 01 I know.
0:49 Speaker 00 The vape is crazy.
0:50 Speaker 01 I always, I'm like, it would be one thing if I was like a small-town detective.
0:54 Speaker 00 A small-town detective vaping?
0:55 Speaker 01 Yes. That makes sense to me.
0:57 Speaker 00 Yeah, touching warm blood.
0:59 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:01 Speaker 01 Just ripping the vape.
1:02 Speaker 00 Vaping is, do you, I want to ask you this and I don't want you to take it personally.
1:05 Speaker 01 I can't.
1:05 Speaker 00 And I know you won't because we're, we're not like that.
1:08 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:09 Speaker 00 Do you feel humiliated to do it? Because it looks silly.
1:12 Speaker 01 No.
1:13 Speaker 00 Okay.
1:14 Speaker 01 That's the thing.
1:14 Speaker 00 Okay.
1:15 Speaker 01 I should be humiliated. I will do it in a church.
1:19 Speaker 00 Really?
1:20 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:20 Speaker 00 I think it's so, I can't, sometimes at a concert, because you know, it's the easiest one to travel.
1:24 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:25 Speaker 00 My friend will pass me one and I, like sucking on the little USB port, I just feel like, I feel humiliated.
1:30 Speaker 01 I know.
1:31 Speaker 00 It's like, why am I doing this?
1:32 Speaker 01 When I started, I was humiliated.
1:34 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:34 Speaker 01 But now, I'm like, I do it all the time.
1:36 Speaker 00 That's how things go, right?
1:37 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:38 Speaker 00 At first, you feel humiliated and then it becomes, now you're a vapor.
1:41 Speaker 01 I'm like an addict through and through. There's been so many things that I've been embarrassed of that I have gotten used to. Well, like when I was drinking and stuff like that. Like, I would be like, you know.
1:51 Speaker 00 Are you sober from the drink?
1:52 Speaker 01 I'm sober.
1:53 Speaker 00 You're off the drink?
1:53 Speaker 01 I'm sober. I don't, I don't smoke weed, I don't do drugs, but I do this in a way that you can tell I don't smoke weed or do drugs or drink.
2:01 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, this has replaced everything.
2:03 Speaker 01 Everything.
2:03 Speaker 00 Yeah, this is like the, this is like the Swiss Army knife of your addiction.
2:06 Speaker 01 Yes.
2:10 Speaker 00 This one's gonna fix them all.
2:11 Speaker 01 It fully is.
2:12 Speaker 00 Go, go gadget nicotine.
2:13 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's so bad. It's so bad. No, I literally, Caleb, I, I was like thinking about quitting and I asked God for like a sign.
2:20 Speaker 00 Yeah.
2:21 Speaker 01 I was like, I need, and I'm not religious, but I was like, I need a sign.
2:23 Speaker 00 That was gonna be my next question, so, yeah.
2:25 Speaker 01 No, but I was like, give me a fucking sign, right? I walk into a bodega, there's like four drunk teenage girls. I'm going in to buy the vape. As they're leaving, they step on my foot. I said, excuse me, but I said it in a country way. I heard them have a meeting about it outside, and then they came back in and punched me in the head.
2:47 Speaker 01 Punched me in the head.
2:48 Speaker 00 What?
2:49 Speaker 01 And I still bought the vape. I was assaulted by a child.
2:55 Speaker 00 The idea of going outside and being like, I think I should punch that bitch in the head.
2:58 Speaker 01 Yeah.
2:59 Speaker 00 And then coming back in and punching you in the head.
3:00 Speaker 01 For real. They literally like thought it through and then came back and one of them was filming it.
3:07 Speaker 01 They were filming it. I was like, this is crazy. And then, because she goes, do you wanna get punched, bitch? And then I started laughing because I was like, why would you offer that? I was like, what are you doing?
3:19 Speaker 00 I love the idea of being like, first of all, I'm stepping outside and taking a meeting with my friends.
3:23 Speaker 01 Yeah.
3:24 Speaker 00 Record just in case.
3:25 Speaker 01 Yeah.
3:26 Speaker 00 Do you wanna get punched, bitch? It's like she's giving you every opportunity.
3:29 Speaker 01 To step out.
3:30 Speaker 00 To not get punched in the head.
3:31 Speaker 01 To not get punched in the head.
3:32 Speaker 00 And you're getting punched in the head.
3:33 Speaker 01 Yeah. And it was like, that was the sign.
3:36 Speaker 00 Yeah.
3:36 Speaker 01 I got the sign to quit and I still bought it.
3:38 Speaker 00 And you bought that vape. You bought like a pink leopard print vape.
3:41 Speaker 01 It's never gonna stop. It's never gonna stop.
3:43 Speaker 00 I was talking yesterday, or the other day to a friend, I have a lot of adult friends who say shit like this, where they're like, if I see a group of teenagers, I cross the street. Like, they're so scary. I'm like, these people are not, they don't exist. Like, teenagers are not real people. I don't care about their opinions. I don't think about them.
3:59 Speaker 01 Right.
3:59 Speaker 00 If they weren't mean to me, I mean, if they punched me in the head, they're getting their ass beat.
4:02 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
4:03 Speaker 00 If they like said something mean about my outfit, I'd be like, you're not a real person. You don't matter.
4:07 Speaker 01 I would have thought that.
4:08 Speaker 00 Yeah.
4:08 Speaker 01 I would have thought that. Then I got punched in the head. And I was such a coward about it. I thought I would like, I thought I'd like clothesline or something. Like, I don't even know what clothesline means. I'm like, throwing.
4:20 Speaker 00 There's more of this one, where you take the neck with the, yeah.
4:22 Speaker 01 Yeah. I thought I would have some kind of plan. I literally, I walked to the back of the bodega counter like I worked there. And was like, how can I help you?
4:31 Speaker 00 You got, you got punched in the head and then you clocked in?
4:33 Speaker 01 Yes, I was like, I was like, I work for you now. What do you need? It was so crazy.
4:39 Speaker 00 Rosebud, I love that.
4:41 Speaker 01 It's like, I thought I would, I didn't even have the courage to say ouch out loud.
4:45 Speaker 00 Yeah. How old were these kids, you think?
4:47 Speaker 01 I don't know, like 14 maybe?
4:48 Speaker 00 No way.
4:49 Speaker 01 I don't know. They're all like, if they're 12, 14, they still see a baby doctor. I know that.
4:54 Speaker 00 Yeah, for sure.
4:55 Speaker 01 I'm like, but 12 to 15 is the same age to me.
4:59 Speaker 00 Exactly. And they punched a mother in the head.
5:02 Speaker 01 Yeah.
5:02 Speaker 00 Like, you're a mother, you have a baby.
5:04 Speaker 01 I know, that was the craziest part.
5:05 Speaker 00 You can't be getting punched in the head.
5:06 Speaker 01 That's what, I walked back, I saw, I'm like, I'm buying a vape, I'm leaving my husband and my daughter at the cellar.
5:12 Speaker 00 Yeah.
5:13 Speaker 01 So that I can go buy a vape in the middle of the brunch show. And I get, I go back into the cellar and I like, have to look at my child in the face and be like, you're gonna love it here.
5:23 Speaker 00 Mommy got punched by a team.
5:24 Speaker 01 It's a beautiful world, like.
5:26 Speaker 00 Leaving your baby at the cellar to go buy a vape, what do you think the chances are this kid turns out right?
5:31 Speaker 01 Not great.
5:34 Speaker 01 Not great. I mean, but I knew that, like, the day I got pregnant. I was like, she's got two comedian parents.
5:41 Speaker 00 Yeah.
5:42 Speaker 01 Rough go for her.
5:43 Speaker 00 Rough go.
5:44 Speaker 01 Yeah.
5:44 Speaker 00 And it's, the chances of her just being like a pretty serious, like, I don't know, it's like, people think two comedian parents, like, oh, probably gonna be the funniest kid ever. And I'm like, maybe. But there's also a chance she becomes like a serious academic or something, you know?
5:57 Speaker 01 No, I'm really hoping that's the way that it goes.
5:59 Speaker 00 You think so?
6:00 Speaker 01 I think if she goes the opposite way, then we did it right.
6:03 Speaker 00 Right.
6:03 Speaker 01 If she ends up in comedy, we fucked up in a way that, uh, we can't fix.
6:09 Speaker 00 Well, it's what it is, is I love it. I'm so happy for the way it's all gone for me. I feel very grateful that I've like got my, my people that I like. And I've got like the way that I like to do it. But I just, yeah, you know, so many, it's so fucking hard.
6:21 Speaker 01 Yeah.
6:21 Speaker 00 You have to bust your ass for so long. And you see so many people do that and then not get the other side of it. And I'm like, I don't want you to have that.
6:28 Speaker 01 Right.
6:28 Speaker 00 I don't want you to like be broke your entire twenties and thirties.
6:32 Speaker 01 Yeah.
6:32 Speaker 00 Busting your ass, trying, trying, trying and waiting. And then all of a sudden, you're 42 and single and have three roommates.
6:37 Speaker 01 Yeah.
6:38 Speaker 00 And hoping that like a 22 year old agent's assistant will read your script.
6:41 Speaker 01 And you have zero, you have zero, like, employment history.
6:45 Speaker 00 Yeah, you have nothing. It's like, it's all like barista and like server, which I guess that's also a beautiful life. Maybe I'm just like, I'm allergic to struggling.
6:53 Speaker 01 I don't like struggle.
6:53 Speaker 00 I hate struggling.
6:54 Speaker 01 I don't like it at all. What are you, a Taurus? Are you a Taurus?
6:57 Speaker 00 You wanna try again?
6:59 Speaker 01 Uh.
7:00 Speaker 00 Keep going. I want you to get this.
7:04 Speaker 01 Um, Capricorn?
7:06 Speaker 00 No, but.
7:07 Speaker 01 Aquarius?
7:07 Speaker 00 Yes.
7:08 Speaker 01 Okay.
7:08 Speaker 00 Let's just edit it right to that.
7:10 Speaker 01 Yes, please, just cut the rest out.
7:11 Speaker 00 Aquarius?
7:12 Speaker 01 But do you have, what do you know what your big three is?
7:14 Speaker 00 Oh, it's, um, do you want to know?
7:16 Speaker 01 Yeah.
7:17 Speaker 00 People ask me this. Um, I've done this to my mom several times, you know, different guys that I've dated. It's been like, oh, mom, can you send me?
7:24 Speaker 01 Yeah.
7:25 Speaker 00 And every, now she knows to say like, who is it this time?
7:29 Speaker 00 Now she knows, she's on to the game.
7:30 Speaker 01 Which freak is asking?
7:31 Speaker 00 Yeah, she's like, what gay man wants to know this about you? Or what girl you met at a, a bar bathroom? Um, okay, here it is. Ascendant? What's that one?
7:41 Speaker 01 That's your rising?
7:42 Speaker 00 I'm Taurus.
7:43 Speaker 01 Me too.
7:44 Speaker 00 Really?
7:44 Speaker 01 Yeah.
7:45 Speaker 00 My sun is Aquarius and my moon is Scorpio.
7:48 Speaker 01 Oh, okay.
7:49 Speaker 00 What does that mean?
7:50 Speaker 01 Um, Scorpio moon is pretty intense.
7:54 Speaker 00 What's that? Ooh.
7:57 Speaker 01 It's pretty intense.
7:58 Speaker 00 Wow, so?
7:58 Speaker 01 Like secretive, very secretive, like, um, but wants, but like penetrating?
8:07 Speaker 00 Oh, I know that's right.
8:08 Speaker 01 To use the sexiest word for it. Like, like you want to get to the bottom of like what somebody's motivations are?
8:15 Speaker 00 Oh, for sure. Okay, okay.
8:17 Speaker 01 And like why they do the things they do?
8:19 Speaker 00 Yeah. But we, we have the same, Taurus is our, our what?
8:23 Speaker 01 Taurus rising.
8:24 Speaker 00 Is our rising?
8:24 Speaker 01 That, that's why I guessed Taurus when you said you're allergic to struggle, because I'm also Taurus rising.
8:30 Speaker 00 And does that mean that we don't like to struggle?
8:31 Speaker 01 We don't like to struggle. I don't like to rush.
8:33 Speaker 00 Yeah.
8:33 Speaker 01 I don't like to struggle. I don't want to, I won't even like, people are, say that Taurus is stubborn, but I feel like I'm more like a creature of habit.
8:42 Speaker 00 Okay.
8:42 Speaker 01 Like if I like a restaurant, I'm going to that restaurant.
8:45 Speaker 00 Yeah.
8:45 Speaker 01 And I'm ordering the same thing.
8:47 Speaker 00 Yeah, I like routine.
8:48 Speaker 01 I don't want to, I don't need to try a new thing. I know that I like this thing.
8:51 Speaker 00 Yeah.
8:52 Speaker 01 But then after a while, I'll be like, I hate this thing.
8:54 Speaker 00 If I had my way, everyone would just wait in place until I came around.
9:00 Speaker 01 Yeah.
9:01 Speaker 00 Like, I don't want to have to go to the same restaurant every day, but I want it open anytime that I want to go.
9:05 Speaker 01 Yes.
9:05 Speaker 00 And I want my people to be in there.
9:07 Speaker 01 Right.
9:07 Speaker 00 And same with like friendships. Like when I leave town, when I'm, leave LA, for example.
9:11 Speaker 01 Yeah.
9:12 Speaker 00 After a visit, my friends should just kind of.
9:15 Speaker 01 Wait.
9:15 Speaker 00 Bounce in place like an unused video game.
9:17 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
9:18 Speaker 00 You know?
9:18 Speaker 01 Like Mortal Kombat, I guess.
9:19 Speaker 00 And then I come back to town and wake them up.
9:21 Speaker 01 Yeah.
9:21 Speaker 00 You know, that's what I want. I like, I would like that.
9:24 Speaker 01 Yes.
9:25 Speaker 00 That'd be nice.
9:26 Speaker 01 Yeah.
9:26 Speaker 00 Let me ask you this. Maybe this is part of our thing that we have together. When you're ready to leave a place, like say, say right now, we were just hanging out.
9:34 Speaker 01 Right.
9:35 Speaker 00 And then I was like, I was like, time to go. I want to go immediately. Once I have that thought.
9:40 Speaker 01 Absolutely.
9:40 Speaker 00 Do you have that?
9:41 Speaker 01 Yeah.
9:41 Speaker 00 I, people hate this about me.
9:43 Speaker 01 I do not say goodbye.
9:44 Speaker 00 It's time to go.
9:45 Speaker 01 It's time to go.
9:45 Speaker 00 When it's time to go, it's time to go.
9:47 Speaker 01 Yeah, I do it in my own apartment.
9:48 Speaker 00 Really?
9:49 Speaker 01 Yeah, if I'm leaving with my husband and kid.
9:51 Speaker 00 Yeah.
9:51 Speaker 01 He's like, why are you walking out the door without us? I'm like, because I'm ready to go.
9:56 Speaker 00 Yes, okay.
9:56 Speaker 01 I will see you in the lobby.
9:58 Speaker 00 Let's go.
9:58 Speaker 01 Yeah.
9:59 Speaker 00 Yeah, I just need to go.
10:00 Speaker 01 Yeah, and it's like waiting to leave a place doesn't make any sense to me.
10:05 Speaker 00 Horrifying.
10:06 Speaker 01 It's what is holding me here?
10:07 Speaker 00 Horrifying.
10:08 Speaker 01 Absolutely nothing.
10:09 Speaker 00 I was trying to leave breakfast the other day. I was with like six people. There was one person left eating their sandwich. Finish the sandwich. It's time to go.
10:16 Speaker 01 Yeah.
10:17 Speaker 00 It's time to go.
10:18 Speaker 01 Just smack it out of their hands.
10:20 Speaker 00 Yeah.
10:20 Speaker 01 You know?
10:20 Speaker 00 And there's like three bites left. And so I stood up and they were like, oh, I'm going to finish my sandwich. And I, in my head, I'm like, you can't.
10:26 Speaker 01 Fucking bastard.
10:27 Speaker 00 You have to carry it and eat on the walk.
10:28 Speaker 01 Yeah.
10:29 Speaker 00 Yeah, because I'm ready to leave now.
10:30 Speaker 01 Right. Put the fucking sandwich in your mouth and put your jacket on or whatever.
10:34 Speaker 00 Yeah. Put your fucking. Sandwich in your mouth and put your jacket on. Hello? Okay, wait, you talked about asking God for a sign earlier.
10:42 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
10:43 Speaker 00 What are we doing with God? What do you think? What's your deal?
10:48 Speaker 01 What are we doing with God?
10:49 Speaker 00 So, what do you think about God?
10:51 Speaker 01 Um, I don't, I'm not like religious, but I don't believe that God is like a man in the sky.
10:59 Speaker 00 Okay.
11:00 Speaker 01 Or some sort of daddy figure.
11:03 Speaker 00 Right.
11:03 Speaker 01 Although that would be hot.
11:05 Speaker 00 Would it?
11:06 Speaker 01 Yeah, a little bit.
11:07 Speaker 00 I learned something about you just now.
11:08 Speaker 01 Um, yeah, I love a daddy figure.
11:10 Speaker 00 Really?
11:11 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
11:11 Speaker 00 Okay.
11:12 Speaker 01 Yeah, um, I was raised by war criminals, so.
11:15 Speaker 00 I know.
11:16 Speaker 01 I do, I do love a daddy figure.
11:19 Speaker 00 Out of respect for you, I was just not even going to bring that topic up because I'm like, oh, she probably talks about it all the time.
11:23 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
11:24 Speaker 00 But of course I do know your family lineage.
11:26 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:26 Speaker 00 Yeah, your grandpa like invented Reagan or something?
11:28 Speaker 01 Yeah, pretty much.
11:32 Speaker 01 He built him.
11:33 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:34 Speaker 01 In a lab.
11:35 Speaker 00 Yeah.
11:36 Speaker 01 No, yeah, so I do love a daddy figure. I, I don't, I was like raised going to church and shit, but I didn't like it. And then I became like a fucking full-blown alcoholic and, you know, drug addict. And I was like, you know, I ju- I got in the program and stuff. And so I just sort of was like, okay, I don't even like the God shit here, but if I can imagine like, if I, if something took care of me enough to like get me sober, then I feel like there is some kind of like benevolent something.
12:04 Speaker 00 Yeah.
12:05 Speaker 01 Out there.
12:05 Speaker 00 I s- I s- I see discourse sometimes about AA specifically.
12:09 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
12:09 Speaker 00 That people are like, actually, AA is bad because it's a form of religious control. And I'm like, well, so is overdosing on, uh, heroin or like being so alcoholic that you can't.
12:18 Speaker 01 Right.
12:18 Speaker 00 I think it's fine. I think if people need to call the thing God to get out of that, that's fine.
12:23 Speaker 01 Yeah.
12:23 Speaker 00 I think it works.
12:24 Speaker 01 Right, absolutely.
12:25 Speaker 00 And God can be whatever you want it to be. It doesn't have to be the guy.
12:27 Speaker 01 Yeah, it could be your fucking car.
12:28 Speaker 00 Yeah.
12:29 Speaker 01 If you like a Ferrari, it could be your fucking Ferrari.
12:31 Speaker 00 I know, that's right.
12:32 Speaker 01 You know?
12:33 Speaker 00 You worshiping cars?
12:34 Speaker 01 I don't, I do not.
12:35 Speaker 00 Do you care about cars?
12:36 Speaker 01 Do- not even a little bit. It's weird that cars came to mind.
12:39 Speaker 00 It's weird that you said it, right?
12:40 Speaker 01 But just like, I was thinking of the most materialistic thing.
12:43 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. Like possession, yeah.
12:45 Speaker 01 Something that so doesn't matter to me.
12:47 Speaker 00 What is a, what is a possession that you do care about? Like, what's your thing? Do you go in on, do you go in for shoes?
12:52 Speaker 01 Oh, skincare.
12:53 Speaker 00 Skincare.
12:54 Speaker 01 Yeah. I do make skincare kind of a little bit of a higher power.
12:58 Speaker 00 What's your routine?
12:59 Speaker 01 Okay, so I'll do, first I'll wash my face, then I do a serum.
13:04 Speaker 00 Is this, you're talking nighttime?
13:06 Speaker 01 Yeah, we're talking nighttime.
13:07 Speaker 00 Okay.
13:07 Speaker 01 Um, retinol serum, uh...
13:12 Speaker 00 So that was a second serum?
13:12 Speaker 01 Vitamin C, yes, there's two serums.
13:14 Speaker 00 Serum, retinol, serum?
13:15 Speaker 01 Hyaluronic acid, vitamin C. Then I just got this stuff, Ne- Neuterium, which is like a multi-peptide lotion.
13:24 Speaker 00 Okay.
13:25 Speaker 01 Put that on, and then I get like this barrier bounce shit that's, that Neuterium makes.
13:29 Speaker 00 Okay.
13:29 Speaker 01 And I put that on.
13:30 Speaker 00 Yeah.
13:30 Speaker 01 And then I go to bed looking like I'm crowning.
13:33 Speaker 00 Okay, yeah.
13:34 Speaker 01 Okay, and then...
13:34 Speaker 00 You're like, just totally soaked.
13:35 Speaker 01 Totally soaked.
13:36 Speaker 00 Yeah.
13:36 Speaker 01 Disgusting.
13:37 Speaker 00 Yeah.
13:38 Speaker 01 And then...
13:42 Speaker 01 And then I wake up and I should wash my face, but instead I just put on uh fucking sunscreen.
13:50 Speaker 00 Why don't you, you're doing all this at night and in the morning you're not gonna wash the face?
13:53 Speaker 01 Cause I got a kid.
13:54 Speaker 00 Right.
13:55 Speaker 01 Once she's like, like, once I'm not responsible for her like physical body.
14:00 Speaker 00 Yeah.
14:00 Speaker 01 You know, and she's not like running into shit and trying to kill herself all day long, then, then I will start washing my face again.
14:06 Speaker 00 Okay, yeah.
14:06 Speaker 01 In the morning.
14:07 Speaker 00 Yeah, that's beautiful.
14:08 Speaker 01 But right now I'm on a hiatus.
14:10 Speaker 00 I don't have a skincare routine.
14:12 Speaker 01 You don't?
14:13 Speaker 00 No. I can't. It's too, being alive is far too difficult.
14:17 Speaker 01 Yeah.
14:18 Speaker 00 At a baseline.
14:19 Speaker 01 Yeah.
14:19 Speaker 00 Like I've, I do find it very, I love being alive. I think life is so beautiful.
14:23 Speaker 01 Yeah.
14:23 Speaker 00 But really the tasks it takes, like the times I spend out the most about being alive are like, the shit I have to do to maintain this body that I didn't ask for.
14:31 Speaker 01 Right.
14:31 Speaker 00 I'm like, I have to go to the fucking dentist. I have to brush my teeth every night. I have to do, I'm supposed to be doing skincare. I'm supposed to be taking vitamins. I have to move my body all the time.
14:39 Speaker 01 Yeah.
14:39 Speaker 00 I'm like, this thing is too much to keep up.
14:41 Speaker 01 I know, but I feel like it's one of the one things, it's like, whenever I, I'll like lay in bed and be like, this is self-care, you know what I mean? And I'm just like scrolling on my phone and it's actually just like a trauma response. You know what I mean?
14:54 Speaker 00 Yeah.
14:54 Speaker 01 But skincare makes me go like, this is like a ritual that takes work, that doesn't take too much time and I don't have to sweat.
15:03 Speaker 00 Yeah.
15:04 Speaker 01 So I will do it.
15:05 Speaker 00 That's nice.
15:05 Speaker 01 You know what I'm saying?
15:06 Speaker 00 Yeah. I can't, I, I think for, yeah, I need to change my, I need to frame it differently to myself. Maybe that would work.
15:11 Speaker 01 Yeah.
15:11 Speaker 00 Cause to me so much of skincare, like so much of what people say to me about skincare is they're like, well, if you wanna, if you wanna maintain a youthful look when you're older and I'm like, I don't, I'm actually really looking forward to when my face looks old.
15:22 Speaker 01 Yeah.
15:22 Speaker 00 Because I want to act those parts. I'm excited for those roles. I'm excited for that part of life. I can't wait to look 50 when I'm 50.
15:28 Speaker 01 Okay.
15:29 Speaker 00 So I'm not trying to stay looking young.
15:31 Speaker 01 This is man privilege.
15:32 Speaker 00 For sure.
15:32 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
15:33 Speaker 00 And I'm so happy to be a man.
15:35 Speaker 01 Oh yeah.
15:35 Speaker 00 Being a woman sounds horrible.
15:37 Speaker 01 My god, I would fucking donate my pussy.
15:39 Speaker 00 How is being, how is being a woman?
15:45 Speaker 00 How is it?
15:46 Speaker 01 How is it?
15:47 Speaker 00 Are you okay?
15:48 Speaker 01 I'm not.
15:49 Speaker 00 It seems bad.
15:50 Speaker 01 No, it's bad.
15:51 Speaker 00 Yeah.
15:51 Speaker 01 It's not great.
15:52 Speaker 00 What's the worst part? Don't, actually.
15:59 Speaker 00 Actually, I thought of one and I don't want to talk about this anymore.
16:01 Speaker 01 Yeah, let's not, let's not.
16:02 Speaker 00 What's the best part?
16:05 Speaker 01 The best part, honestly, the best part so far was having a kid.
16:10 Speaker 00 Yeah.
16:11 Speaker 01 Having one, not being pregnant, but like, you know, getting handed a kid that I made. That was pretty fucking awesome.
16:18 Speaker 00 I wish I could do that.
16:19 Speaker 01 That, yeah, that part's cool.
16:21 Speaker 00 That'd be neat.
16:21 Speaker 01 But it's so hard that it's almost like, okay, you could, I could do that one time.
16:28 Speaker 00 You're not gonna do it again.
16:28 Speaker 01 I'm not doing that shit again.
16:30 Speaker 00 I can understand that.
16:31 Speaker 01 Yeah.
16:31 Speaker 00 I actually don't wish I could carry a baby. I wish I could get a guy pregnant.
16:35 Speaker 01 Yes, sometimes I wish I could get somebody pregnant too.
16:38 Speaker 00 Yeah.
16:38 Speaker 01 That's gotta be really powerful.
16:39 Speaker 00 Sometimes when I'm dating a guy, if he's a cis guy and I like him a lot, I'm like, I would love to get you pregnant with my baby.
16:45 Speaker 01 I know.
16:45 Speaker 00 But I can't.
16:46 Speaker 01 Right.
16:47 Speaker 00 You know?
16:48 Speaker 01 Well.
16:49 Speaker 00 That's downside of being gay, guy.
16:51 Speaker 01 Yeah, I guess.
16:52 Speaker 00 You know?
16:53 Speaker 01 I guess that's one of the, yeah, that's sort of a lighter downside.
16:57 Speaker 00 Lighter side, yeah. Well, we're going to camp soon, yeah.
16:59 Speaker 01 Yep.
16:59 Speaker 00 There's that as well.
17:02 Speaker 01 In the camps? I can't get anybody pregnant.
17:04 Speaker 00 Oh, I wish I could get someone pregnant. Well, time to go make license plates or whatever the fuck. Whatever they're gonna have us doing. Oh, we're going to camps. We're going to license plate camp soon.
17:15 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
17:16 Speaker 00 It's not looking good for gay.
17:17 Speaker 01 No, no, it's bad out there.
17:19 Speaker 00 It's bad for gay.
17:19 Speaker 01 I'm not, I don't mean to be laughing right now, but the way that you're putting it is...
17:23 Speaker 00 Yeah, well, I'm gonna be making license plates in Alabama within the next year and a half, and I'll be one of the first ones to go.
17:29 Speaker 01 And it's all Alabama license plates, by the way.
17:30 Speaker 00 100%.
17:31 Speaker 01 Yeah. And Florida.
17:33 Speaker 00 Well, and when they like repossess all the gay people's like homes and art to like give it to like, you know?
17:37 Speaker 01 Some Christian conservatives.
17:39 Speaker 00 That are willing to have more kids or whatever the thing is gonna be, whatever Stephen Miller cooks up.
17:43 Speaker 01 Yeah.
17:45 Speaker 00 I'll be one of the first ones to go, I think, to camp.
17:47 Speaker 01 Fuck.
17:48 Speaker 00 Caleb goes to camp.
17:49 Speaker 01 Woo! It's like Ernest goes to camp.
17:52 Speaker 00 Oh yeah, I'm gonna have fun in the camp. I'll tell you I'm having fun in the camp. On the way out, you better believe it.
17:58 Speaker 01 No, I mean, it is, when I think about it, I'm like, it's gonna be celebratory.
18:02 Speaker 00 Yeah.
18:03 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's gonna be a fun time.
18:05 Speaker 00 I've said for years, since the first time Trump got elected, I said, one way or another, gay camps are coming. Pence, Mike Pence was like, a more buttoned up, but he hates gay people.
18:14 Speaker 01 Yeah, which is crazy, cuz he's full gay.
18:16 Speaker 00 Oh, my god, have you ever seen someone with a gayer vibe?
18:19 Speaker 01 No.
18:20 Speaker 00 Just like, very like, always like, giving blue steel for no reason.
18:24 Speaker 01 Just fucking Ken.
18:24 Speaker 00 Yeah.
18:25 Speaker 01 Yeah.
18:25 Speaker 00 But I've said, you put a bunch of gay guys in camps, we'll find a way to have fun.
18:29 Speaker 01 Yeah, absolutely.
18:30 Speaker 00 There'll be places where the cameras don't see.
18:31 Speaker 01 Especially you, I feel like, you know, if I was a gay guy and I was in the camps, I'd be like, can I move to Caleb's bunk?
18:37 Speaker 00 Come to my barracks, yeah.
18:40 Speaker 00 Everyone come to my barracks.
18:41 Speaker 01 The bunk, the barracks.
18:42 Speaker 00 After the chow hall, everyone come to my barracks.
18:45 Speaker 01 After chow?
18:46 Speaker 00 Come on.
18:47 Speaker 01 I love that it's just the military.
18:49 Speaker 00 Yeah.
18:49 Speaker 01 It's the military.
18:50 Speaker 00 Party in my barracks. I look forward to hosting.
18:54 Speaker 01 Yeah.
18:55 Speaker 00 In my barracks.
18:56 Speaker 01 Yeah.
18:56 Speaker 00 Find a way to decorate.
18:58 Speaker 01 I'll visit.
18:59 Speaker 00 Would you?
19:00 Speaker 01 Yeah, but I will, I'm gonna be a coward and I will pretend to be Christian.
19:04 Speaker 00 Totally.
19:05 Speaker 01 Yeah.
19:05 Speaker 00 Well, you might not escape the camps, you're sort of a foul-mouthed woman.
19:08 Speaker 01 They won't find me.
19:11 Speaker 01 They won't find me.
19:12 Speaker 00 What do you mean, you're hiding?
19:13 Speaker 01 I will hide, yeah. I will hide, and I can, I have, you put a wig on me, you're not gonna recognize me.
19:20 Speaker 00 That's true.
19:21 Speaker 01 I will take my eyelids off, you know what I mean, I'll get an upper bleff. And it will, people will be like, who is that? Without my hooded eyes, you're gonna have no idea who I am.
19:30 Speaker 00 Yeah, oh, I have those too.
19:32 Speaker 01 Yeah.
19:32 Speaker 00 The way they come over. I think if you, if you need, this is what I would do to you if I needed to hide you right now.
19:38 Speaker 01 Okay.
19:38 Speaker 00 I would shave your head.
19:40 Speaker 01 Great.
19:40 Speaker 00 First of all.
19:41 Speaker 01 Yeah.
19:41 Speaker 00 And then I would get-
19:42 Speaker 01 To sad music.
19:43 Speaker 00 Yes, I would shave your head slowly to sad music while we both cried.
19:46 Speaker 01 Yeah.
19:46 Speaker 00 And then, I would put on you an asymmetrical, bright red bob.
19:51 Speaker 01 Yes.
19:51 Speaker 00 Yeah. And you're a different woman immediately.
19:54 Speaker 01 Yes, okay.
19:55 Speaker 00 And I'm giving you like, a brown beauty mark.
19:57 Speaker 01 One beauty mark, yeah, yeah. And my tits have to be out, I'll have my tits out.
20:01 Speaker 00 I've been wanting to get your tits out, yeah.
20:02 Speaker 01 I know.
20:03 Speaker 00 You were saying off-camera that you have big tits.
20:05 Speaker 01 I do, yeah.
20:05 Speaker 00 Yeah.
20:06 Speaker 01 Sort of secret.
20:07 Speaker 00 Yeah, why do you hide them?
20:09 Speaker 01 Why do you hide them? Why do you hide them? Um-
20:13 Speaker 00 Why hide them?
20:14 Speaker 01 Yeah, I just don't- I don't know. It feels like such a commitment.
20:20 Speaker 00 Yeah.
20:21 Speaker 01 You know, and it doesn't, my tits don't really match my personality. You know? I'm sort of giving like, like closet lesbian.
20:30 Speaker 00 Yeah.
20:30 Speaker 01 You know, like jumping up, hitting the exit signs.
20:33 Speaker 00 Yeah, that's you.
20:34 Speaker 01 Yeah.
20:35 Speaker 00 That is you.
20:35 Speaker 01 Yeah, so big tits, it's a different personality.
20:40 Speaker 00 Yeah.
20:41 Speaker 01 I would have to, I mean, if I did have them out one day, I would start to pursue more reality television.
20:47 Speaker 00 Yes.
20:47 Speaker 01 I would start to get a lot of elective surgeries, for sure. I mean, I'm gonna do that anyway, because why not? But yeah, it just feels like a different, I'm not in that phase right now.
20:59 Speaker 00 Yeah.
21:00 Speaker 01 You know?
21:00 Speaker 00 I don't see it for you.
21:01 Speaker 01 But I have lived kind of like a Forrest Gump life.
21:04 Speaker 00 How so?
21:04 Speaker 01 Just, you know, a lot of random shit.
21:07 Speaker 00 Yeah.
21:09 Speaker 01 That doesn't really match up.
21:10 Speaker 00 Yeah.
21:11 Speaker 01 Where you're like, that didn't happen to the same person in the same life.
21:14 Speaker 00 Well, give me an example of two, like, like, what are the, like, give me two things that have happened in your life that feel so conflicting.
21:21 Speaker 01 Okay.
21:21 Speaker 00 Because I know what you mean.
21:22 Speaker 01 I did, okay, I did a reality show.
21:24 Speaker 00 Did you?
21:24 Speaker 01 Yeah, I did a reality show with my gay best friend for Sundance Channel when I first moved to New York.
21:29 Speaker 00 Okay.
21:29 Speaker 01 Then I also was a yoga instructor who taught yoga to Hasidic Jewish women in Brooklyn.
21:36 Speaker 00 How was that?
21:37 Speaker 01 You can't touch them.
21:38 Speaker 00 Of course.
21:39 Speaker 01 So.
21:39 Speaker 00 Yeah.
21:40 Speaker 01 It was weird.
21:41 Speaker 00 Yeah, of course, of course.
21:42 Speaker 01 It was odd.
21:43 Speaker 00 Yeah.
21:44 Speaker 01 But also, it was really kind of sweet, because this woman had left her husband in the Hasidic community, which is like, you know, bad there.
21:53 Speaker 00 Yeah.
21:54 Speaker 01 Good to me. I mean, from where I stand, I'm like, good for you, girl.
21:58 Speaker 00 With your husband, come to yoga.
21:59 Speaker 01 She started her fucking business, right? But she, it was like, still in Brooklyn, and she only had her friends from the Hasidic community. So these other women were like, coming to support her. And it was really sweet.
22:10 Speaker 00 Yeah.
22:10 Speaker 01 Yeah.
22:11 Speaker 00 Did you ever watch?
22:12 Speaker 01 The only teacher.
22:13 Speaker 00 Did you ever watch the Rachel McAdams, uh, secret lesbian Hasidic movie?
22:18 Speaker 01 No.
22:19 Speaker 00 There was a Rachel Adams, secret lesbian, Hasidic Jewish woman movie.
22:23 Speaker 01 Yeah.
22:24 Speaker 00 Uh, undoubt, or, it's truth. What a chance you're Googling it. Um, Unfaithful, or Un, God, what was it called?
22:33 Speaker 02 Disobedience.
22:34 Speaker 00 Disobedience.
22:35 Speaker 01 Ooh.
22:36 Speaker 00 Oh, it was hot.
22:36 Speaker 01 Sexy.
22:37 Speaker 00 She like, she like spits in another woman's mouth at one point.
22:40 Speaker 01 Whoa.
22:41 Speaker 00 Hot.
22:42 Speaker 01 Whoa.
22:43 Speaker 00 I love Rachel McAdams.
22:44 Speaker 01 When did this come out?
22:46 Speaker 00 2017. Yeah, I saw it at TIFF.
22:48 Speaker 01 Wow.
22:49 Speaker 00 I saw it at TIFF because I worked for a nonprofit that sent me to Toronto for like day job training at the same time as TIFF. And I was like, oh, I'm fucking off every night to watch TIFF movies.
22:57 Speaker 01 Yeah.
22:57 Speaker 00 And that was one of the ones I watched.
22:59 Speaker 01 Wow.
22:59 Speaker 00 It was so hot. I love Rachel McAdams. She can do no wrong.
23:02 Speaker 01 Yeah, she's great.
23:02 Speaker 00 She's so charming.
23:03 Speaker 01 I know.
23:04 Speaker 00 And she's great in everything.
23:05 Speaker 01 She is.
23:06 Speaker 00 The Family Stone.
23:07 Speaker 01 Amazing.
23:07 Speaker 00 Hello.
23:08 Speaker 01 So good.
23:09 Speaker 00 Let's wake that up. There's not enough talk about Rachel McAdams.
23:12 Speaker 01 Well, where has she been?
23:15 Speaker 00 Yes. Yes, I don't know. She did that movie, that movie, what was it, Flight? The Killian Murphy movie? Do you know what I'm talking about? Red Eye. Red Eye. Red Eye. You've seen that? 2005, yeah. Red Eye, crazy.
23:27 Speaker 01 Okay.
23:27 Speaker 00 Rachel McAdams' incredible performance. Rachel McAdams, I love her. I really do. And I loved when she was gay.
23:34 Speaker 01 Rachel McAdams!
23:35 Speaker 00 Rachel McAdams, we love you, girl.
23:36 Speaker 01 Yeah.
23:37 Speaker 00 I do love her. She's so charming.
23:39 Speaker 01 Hot, gay woman.
23:41 Speaker 00 Yes. Well, she has that kind of spunkiness.
23:43 Speaker 01 Yeah.
23:43 Speaker 00 Yeah, you want that in your lesbians.
23:45 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
23:45 Speaker 00 You know, um...
23:47 Speaker 01 What are you about to pivot to?
23:50 Speaker 00 Do you know Tova?
23:50 Speaker 01 Transition, period.
23:51 Speaker 00 Transition. Do you know Tova Silberman?
23:53 Speaker 01 Yes.
23:53 Speaker 00 My comedy manager. She is, she's Jewish.
23:57 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
23:57 Speaker 00 And I asked her once, when I first moved to Brooklyn, I was seeing all the Jewish guys in their hats.
24:03 Speaker 01 Yeah.
24:04 Speaker 00 Not the yarmulkes, the big fur hats, you know? And sometimes they're bigger than other times.
24:08 Speaker 01 Right.
24:09 Speaker 00 Right? So I'm at dinner with her and I was like, what's with the hats? You know, I want to know, like, what's the significance? Like, I want to learn about this. And she, she said, well, I forget the exact, she's like, well, they're, could just be extremely pious, or maybe they're celebrating something, I think was part of it. It was like, it could be like a celebration of an achievement in, um, studying the texts or something.
24:30 Speaker 01 Was she guessing?
24:31 Speaker 00 No, she's, she's acidic.
24:32 Speaker 01 Oh, okay.
24:32 Speaker 00 Um, oh, she grew up in an orthodox...
24:34 Speaker 01 Oh, she was saying, okay, so it could be...
24:35 Speaker 00 She grew up in an orthodox community. So she's telling me for real. And I said, oh, oh my God, so would it be, could I, could I congratulate them if I pass one on, a guy on the street wearing a big hat?
24:44 Speaker 01 Yeah.
24:44 Speaker 00 Should I say like, congratulations? And she was like, they don't want to talk to you.
24:49 Speaker 00 I was like, well, obviously that breaks my fucking heart. So I can't be in community with them at all.
24:55 Speaker 01 Congrats.
24:55 Speaker 00 Yeah, I say congrats and they go, yeah.
24:57 Speaker 01 Yuck.
24:58 Speaker 00 They don't want to talk to me, which sucks because I want to talk to them.
25:00 Speaker 01 I know. You're very curious. You have a curious spirit.
25:03 Speaker 00 I do and I would love to hang out with them. If they would invite me over, I would come hang out. I would love to chat with them and know about their stuff.
25:09 Speaker 01 What would you ask?
25:10 Speaker 00 What would I ask them?
25:11 Speaker 01 Yeah.
25:12 Speaker 00 Just kind of how they feel about the world and what they know about the things that are going on. And if they like, I would want to know how they feel about gay people. And then I'd want to maybe not, maybe I'd like to convince them to like gay people if they don't, you know?
25:22 Speaker 01 Right.
25:23 Speaker 00 I also want to let them know a lot of them are on Grindr.
25:28 Speaker 01 Mm hmm.
25:28 Speaker 00 There are a lot of Hasidic guys on Grindr.
25:30 Speaker 01 Yeah, I would definitely sit in for that conversation.
25:33 Speaker 00 I would like to tell them, do you know that there's a lot of your guys on Grindr?
25:36 Speaker 01 Yeah.
25:36 Speaker 00 And that they don't feel comfortable telling you that about themselves?
25:39 Speaker 01 Right.
25:39 Speaker 00 And do you care?
25:41 Speaker 01 Do, would you mind?
25:42 Speaker 00 And if there's any, I have heard that if one of the curls is cut short, that they, that they are in trouble. Have you heard this?
25:50 Speaker 01 No.
25:51 Speaker 00 And I could be wrong and I'm going out on a limb here and being potentially culturally insensitive.
25:55 Speaker 01 Uh huh.
25:55 Speaker 00 But I've heard that and if that's true, I would like to meet someone who has a shortened curl and find out what they've done.
26:02 Speaker 01 Mm hmm.
26:02 Speaker 00 To be in trouble.
26:03 Speaker 01 You want to find somebody on Grindr and you want to run up with a pair of scissors?
26:07 Speaker 00 I did, no.
26:10 Speaker 00 I didn't want to.
26:12 Speaker 01 I'm going to get in trouble for saying that.
26:13 Speaker 00 You shouldn't have said that.
26:14 Speaker 01 You shouldn't have said that?
26:16 Speaker 00 I was, Hasidic guy messaged me on Grindr once.
26:18 Speaker 01 Really?
26:19 Speaker 00 Yeah, he wasn't cute, so I wasn't into it, but.
26:21 Speaker 01 Yeah.
26:22 Speaker 00 I was obviously interested in the idea of it. It sounds odd.
26:24 Speaker 01 I don't want to hook up, but I want to talk about your stuff.
26:26 Speaker 00 I would like to chat with him, yeah, but he wasn't into that.
26:28 Speaker 01 Okay.
26:29 Speaker 00 I did try to have a conversation. He was like, are you free now? And I was like, this isn't.
26:33 Speaker 01 Yeah.
26:33 Speaker 00 You're not, this isn't my rich community.
26:34 Speaker 01 I don't like, um, you know, it's been a while since I've been single.
26:39 Speaker 00 How long?
26:40 Speaker 01 Five years.
26:41 Speaker 00 Only? I was expecting you to say much longer.
26:44 Speaker 01 No, I don't stay single that long.
26:46 Speaker 00 Yeah.
26:47 Speaker 01 Your girl.
26:48 Speaker 00 I know, that's right. Come on.
26:52 Speaker 00 Do you think you'll ever be single again?
26:54 Speaker 01 Um, if I get a divorce, I'm gonna stay single for the rest of my life.
26:57 Speaker 00 Really?
26:57 Speaker 01 Yes.
26:58 Speaker 00 Oh, wow.
26:58 Speaker 01 Yeah. Or I'll just date women.
27:03 Speaker 01 Or I'll date women.
27:03 Speaker 00 Kind of rooting on your divorce now.
27:05 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
27:06 Speaker 00 I mean, you getting a divorce in like 10 years and then just exclusively switching to women?
27:11 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
27:11 Speaker 00 Obviously, you know that's like the chicest thing you could do.
27:13 Speaker 01 I, I agree.
27:14 Speaker 00 Yeah.
27:14 Speaker 01 Yeah, I have to wait a little while.
27:16 Speaker 00 Yeah.
27:17 Speaker 01 And I do tell Andy, I go, "Listen, this is working out for now."
27:20 Speaker 00 Yeah.
27:21 Speaker 01 But 10 years, we're gonna wrap it up. I'm gonna date women. You do what you gotta do. Go get some young pussy.
27:27 Speaker 00 Yeah.
27:28 Speaker 01 Yeah.
27:28 Speaker 00 Have some young pussy.
27:29 Speaker 01 Go find like an open mic'er who thinks you're the funniest person.
27:32 Speaker 00 Of course.
27:33 Speaker 01 She's ever fucking heard in her life.
27:34 Speaker 00 Be the predatory, predatory man in the community that we know and love.
27:37 Speaker 01 Yes, yeah. You know, we all have a destiny to fulfill.
27:41 Speaker 00 Yes.
27:42 Speaker 01 Yeah.
27:42 Speaker 00 And he was meant to be that older comic who mentors the younger.
27:46 Speaker 01 That's right.
27:46 Speaker 00 Girls, yeah.
27:47 Speaker 01 Yeah, and tells them they have potential.
27:49 Speaker 00 Yeah.
27:50 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
27:50 Speaker 00 God, I, you know, I started in Chicago.
27:53 Speaker 01 Did you?
27:53 Speaker 00 Yes.
27:54 Speaker 01 Ooh.
27:55 Speaker 00 And those guys are around.
27:56 Speaker 01 Lot of, uh, yeah.
27:57 Speaker 00 Those guys are around.
27:58 Speaker 01 Yeah.
27:59 Speaker 00 They're hitting, they're hitting the open mics and the improv classes and saying like, "God, you're just so fun. I see it for you."
28:05 Speaker 01 Yeah.
28:06 Speaker 00 And they're getting laid off that a lot.
28:07 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:09 Speaker 00 It's crazy.
28:09 Speaker 01 Yeah, God.
28:12 Speaker 01 Anyway, um. Yeah, I can't wait to get back to women.
28:17 Speaker 00 I want you to get back to women.
28:18 Speaker 01 I will.
28:19 Speaker 00 How, okay, so you, I wanna talk about your stand-up special, though.
28:22 Speaker 01 Oh, okay.
28:22 Speaker 00 You did, I'm sorry, it's just something I'm interested in.
28:24 Speaker 01 Yeah.
28:25 Speaker 00 You did, you did the first, how did it work out? You did the first half of it pregnant?
28:30 Speaker 01 I did, yeah. The first half of it, I was, uh, eight months pregnant, and then the second half, I did a year later. Because I was really curious about what, I was really scared to be pregnant, to have a kid.
28:43 Speaker 00 Hmm.
28:43 Speaker 01 To, like, what that life change was, cuz I did love my life and I do hate struggle.
28:48 Speaker 00 Yeah.
28:49 Speaker 01 So, um, I was like, "I don't know how well I'm going to adjust to this."
28:54 Speaker 00 Yeah.
28:54 Speaker 01 And I know there's a lot of people who had, I'm like, no human experience is like alien to anybody. If you're feeling it, everybody has felt it, you know?
29:02 Speaker 00 Yeah.
29:03 Speaker 01 Um, and so I was like, "Let me just make a special that's like the before and after, like what." What it is to be pregnant and then what it is after you've had a kid.
29:12 Speaker 00 Yeah.
29:12 Speaker 01 A year later, what that feels like. And so I took a lot of the jokes from the first half of the special and expanded upon them. Upon them.
29:22 Speaker 00 We expanded upon them.
29:22 Speaker 01 Upon them.
29:23 Speaker 00 Yeah.
29:25 Speaker 01 For like the next year and put them together. This editor Kelly Lyon, who's like amazing, she put it together and I was like, she made me two cuts. She made me one that was like just the second hour.
29:40 Speaker 01 For the, from the year after. And then she put both of them together into another cut that was both of them. And I was like, I can't really fucking decide between these two.
29:48 Speaker 00 Yeah.
29:49 Speaker 01 And she was like, just do the one that's most interesting to you. And so I went with the first, with the first one.
29:54 Speaker 00 Yeah.
29:55 Speaker 01 Yeah.
29:56 Speaker 00 What made it more, what made it the one to choose, do you think?
30:00 Speaker 01 Because it really, to me, comments on like the,
30:07 Speaker 01 the fucking alienation that you feel after you have a kid. You know? Everybody loves a pregnant lady and then you have a baby and they're like, oh, fuck off. You know what I mean?
30:19 Speaker 00 You think so? Is that how it felt?
30:21 Speaker 01 A little bit.
30:21 Speaker 00 Yeah.
30:22 Speaker 01 Like, I don't know that anybody actually felt like that, but they were, you know, you're pregnant and everybody's like, I'm gonna be the auntie, I'm gonna be there every day. And then like, I had friends send me so many gifts that I was like, just say you're not coming to meet her.
30:39 Speaker 01 You know what I mean? I was like, just say you're not coming over. Like, just do that. Stop sending me clothes, you know what I mean? Cause it's, it is this feeling of like, I loved my friends, I had this, I built up this community, this like actual family that was like my chosen family. And then I had a kid and it was like, where did they go? You know?
30:59 Speaker 00 Yeah.
31:00 Speaker 01 I mean, a couple of them, like genuine good friends, like didn't go anywhere. But there was a lot of them that I was like, oh, I thought you'd be around.
31:07 Speaker 00 Yeah.
31:07 Speaker 01 You know, I thought I would feel this way, I actually feel this way. And there, and I wanted to, I wanted to tell jokes about that. Cause there is something really funny about being a loser.
31:23 Speaker 01 You know what I mean? And I was like, I feel like a loser.
31:26 Speaker 00 Yeah.
31:26 Speaker 01 So, and there's also, there was also just like a lot of shit between my husband and I that I, like the rage that I felt towards him, that was really funny.
31:35 Speaker 00 Yeah, tell me about that, cause that's interesting.
31:37 Speaker 01 Just he's so, you know, I'm like, you just don't have it.
31:43 Speaker 01 You know?
31:44 Speaker 00 Doesn't have the stuff?
31:45 Speaker 01 I was like, you don't have the stuff.
31:46 Speaker 00 You don't have the goods, brother?
31:47 Speaker 01 You don't have it.
31:47 Speaker 00 What do you mean? Why were you so mad at him?
31:49 Speaker 01 I, that he didn't have it.
31:51 Speaker 00 Yeah.
31:51 Speaker 01 I was like, I don't, you know? I'm like, I don't have it, but I figured this out.
31:55 Speaker 00 Yeah.
31:56 Speaker 01 He does shit where like, I'll leave him with her for a weekend and he's like, oh, I'll be like, did you, did she brush her teeth last night? He's like, oh, like he forgot the whole weekend. Like he didn't brush her teeth the whole weekend. And I'm like, that's crazy.
32:11 Speaker 00 She's gotta have those brushes.
32:11 Speaker 01 That is crazy.
32:12 Speaker 00 Yeah.
32:14 Speaker 01 So, there's stuff like that where I'm just like, you gotta be joking. Like he'll try to change her diaper on the floor of the airport. And I'm like, he don't have her pussy out by the baggage claim.
32:25 Speaker 01 What the fuck?
32:26 Speaker 00 She, I'm sorry, she can't be naked by the trash can. She can't be, she has to go somewhere.
32:30 Speaker 01 First of all, she's huge. She's like six two.
32:32 Speaker 00 Yeah.
32:33 Speaker 01 It looks like you're changing an adult woman's diaper.
32:36 Speaker 00 She is big.
32:36 Speaker 01 You know?
32:37 Speaker 00 She's tall, she's gonna be an NBA, WNBA player.
32:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
32:39 Speaker 00 Or NBA?
32:40 Speaker 01 She's half my height already.
32:41 Speaker 00 Really?
32:41 Speaker 01 Yeah.
32:42 Speaker 00 Yeah, I noticed that. She stands about here on you, she's two.
32:45 Speaker 01 Yeah, she's two.
32:45 Speaker 00 Yeah.
32:46 Speaker 01 So, it's crazy. But yeah, I definitely, I just wanted to make a, I wanted to make this special about that. And also like the process of getting pregnant was so crazy. Like miscarriages, IVF, then just like getting pregnant, the old fashioned way.
33:02 Speaker 00 Wait, why, when you said that, why did I think of, you know that, that scene in Brokeback Mountain? When she, when he's like trying to have sex with her and he's like, I wanna have another kid. And she's like, I'd have him if you'd pay enough, if you'd make enough money to raise him. And then they end up not having sex and just laying in bed sad.
33:16 Speaker 01 Yeah.
33:17 Speaker 00 That's what made me think of.
33:18 Speaker 01 That is kind of the old, yeah.
33:19 Speaker 00 That's the old fashioned way. Just fucking-
33:21 Speaker 01 Staring at the ceiling?
33:22 Speaker 00 Truly, fighting.
33:23 Speaker 01 Yeah.
33:23 Speaker 00 Fighting.
33:24 Speaker 01 Yeah.
33:24 Speaker 00 Yeah.
33:25 Speaker 01 Like, a couple of detectives after a long day?
33:27 Speaker 00 I miss it.
33:28 Speaker 01 Yeah.
33:29 Speaker 00 Yeah, I miss it culturally.
33:30 Speaker 01 Yeah, um, you know, it's still out there.
33:33 Speaker 00 I know, I just would have been so good at be, like, if I was like the secret gay guy who had to have like a wife and kids, I would have been really good at that.
33:41 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
33:42 Speaker 00 Like, my kids would have been like, "My dad's low-key fun." You know, like, they would, they would have loved me. And then when I was old, they'd be like, "Oh, he was gay," you know?
33:48 Speaker 01 Yes.
33:48 Speaker 00 Yeah.
33:49 Speaker 01 No, I've always said this, that I think gay men would make the best husbands.
33:52 Speaker 00 Totally.
33:53 Speaker 01 A hundred percent.
33:54 Speaker 00 I would have been good at the fake, that fake stuff.
33:56 Speaker 01 Yeah.
33:56 Speaker 00 Living an authentic life as a gay guy is really exhausting.
33:58 Speaker 01 That's really all you want out of a husband, is someone who doesn't bother to fuck you.
34:03 Speaker 00 Yeah.
34:04 Speaker 01 So you can go fuck whoever.
34:05 Speaker 00 Yeah.
34:06 Speaker 01 And then like helps you with the kid.
34:08 Speaker 00 Yeah.
34:08 Speaker 01 And is like supportive and like pats you on the back and listens to your work stories.
34:12 Speaker 00 When I hang out with my girls now, I'm like, "We would do so good at domestic life."
34:16 Speaker 01 Yeah.
34:16 Speaker 00 If you didn't need someone to fuck you.
34:18 Speaker 01 Yeah.
34:18 Speaker 00 And I didn't need to be fucking someone.
34:20 Speaker 01 In the two years after I had a kid, I wanted a gay husband so badly.
34:23 Speaker 00 Yeah.
34:24 Speaker 01 Cause I was just like, libido was like gone.
34:27 Speaker 00 Really?
34:27 Speaker 01 Yes.
34:28 Speaker 00 Is that normal?
34:28 Speaker 01 It just came back. It just came back.
34:30 Speaker 00 Is that like something that happens?
34:32 Speaker 01 It, it does happen.
34:33 Speaker 00 Okay.
34:33 Speaker 01 Yeah, um, but I got back on, uh, I got on Wellbutrin.
34:38 Speaker 00 Really?
34:38 Speaker 01 And it's, now it's starting to like-
34:39 Speaker 00 Made you horny?
34:39 Speaker 01 It's starting to wake me up a little.
34:40 Speaker 00 Let's go.
34:41 Speaker 01 Yeah, Wellbutrin orgasms are crazy, I didn't know this.
34:44 Speaker 00 You're fucking again?
34:44 Speaker 01 Yeah.
34:45 Speaker 00 Wow.
34:46 Speaker 01 Yeah.
34:46 Speaker 00 I'm not on anything, but maybe I'll try it.
34:48 Speaker 01 Try it.
34:49 Speaker 00 I'll try it. I thought about trying it, just to see.
34:51 Speaker 01 Yeah.
34:52 Speaker 00 You know?
34:52 Speaker 01 Yeah, I was, I felt like numb a little bit.
34:55 Speaker 00 Yeah.
34:56 Speaker 01 I was like, I'm not depressed, but I'm not like fighting to live, and so I was like, maybe that's-
35:02 Speaker 00 Hey, sister.
35:03 Speaker 01 Sounds like a job for-
35:04 Speaker 00 Been there.
35:04 Speaker 01 Yeah.
35:05 Speaker 00 You know, here's the problem though, I've slept with so many guys who are on antidepressants, and they like being alive, but they can't come.
35:11 Speaker 01 Right.
35:12 Speaker 00 If I can't come, I'm killing myself.
35:13 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
35:14 Speaker 00 And I do mean that.
35:15 Speaker 01 Yeah.
35:15 Speaker 00 I do.
35:16 Speaker 01 No.
35:16 Speaker 00 I do, and I mean that sincerely.
35:18 Speaker 01 Yeah.
35:18 Speaker 00 It's not like me being silly, I mean, like, if I can't come, I'm-
35:21 Speaker 01 I'm out.
35:21 Speaker 00 I'm killing myself.
35:22 Speaker 01 Yeah, turning it off.
35:23 Speaker 00 No, no, killing myself.
35:24 Speaker 01 Bye-bye.
35:25 Speaker 00 Yeah, I'll see y'all around.
35:26 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
35:27 Speaker 00 Yeah.
35:27 Speaker 01 Maybe just leave it as your voicemail message?
35:29 Speaker 00 Yeah.
35:30 Speaker 01 Just be like, "Sorry, can't come."
35:32 Speaker 00 "Sorry, can't come."
35:33 Speaker 01 Killing myself.
35:33 Speaker 00 "So I gotta go."
35:36 Speaker 00 If I can't come, I gotta go.
35:38 Speaker 01 Checking out, yeah.
35:41 Speaker 00 "Hey, guys, I'm so sorry I can't come, so I'm pulling out."
35:43 Speaker 01 Yeah.
35:43 Speaker 00 Thank you.
35:46 Speaker 00 Thank you, thank you, Chicago. You've been so much fun.
35:48 Speaker 01 You've been so great.
35:52 Speaker 00 Yeah, no, need to be coming.
35:53 Speaker 01 Yeah.
35:54 Speaker 00 Need to be coming in all seriousness.
35:55 Speaker 01 It's crazy that I went like a year and a half, really, or longer than that.
36:00 Speaker 00 Really?
36:01 Speaker 01 Because my kid was 18 months when I finally went on Will Beutren.
36:05 Speaker 00 Yeah.
36:05 Speaker 01 And wanted to fuck again.
36:07 Speaker 00 Yeah.
36:07 Speaker 01 But it was like, it was a long time where I was like, I don't need it. I don't want it. I don't want any attention. Don't look at me. Don't talk. And it wasn't even like just for my husband. It was like, if I looked out outside of my marriage, I'd be like, yuck.
36:22 Speaker 00 When I considered cheating, it made me sick.
36:24 Speaker 01 Yes.
36:24 Speaker 00 Yeah.
36:25 Speaker 01 It was like, bleh.
36:26 Speaker 00 Are you guys monog?
36:27 Speaker 01 Huh? Yeah.
36:28 Speaker 00 Monog?
36:28 Speaker 01 Yes.
36:29 Speaker 00 Wow.
36:30 Speaker 01 Yeah. Monogamous, but very, very like open with each other. Like,
36:35 Speaker 00 Yeah.
36:35 Speaker 01 Like, we'll talk about, like, all of the things that I'm saying to you right now, I would say to my husband.
36:39 Speaker 00 For sure.
36:40 Speaker 01 Yeah.
36:40 Speaker 00 I think people, I think sometimes people that don't hang out with a lot of comedians are very jarred by the way we talk about our lives.
36:45 Speaker 01 Yeah.
36:46 Speaker 00 But I'm just like, yeah, everyone in my life just knows the deal. Like, this is, I'm just gonna tell the truth about the situation.
36:50 Speaker 01 Right.
36:51 Speaker 00 I do, the only time I get weird about it, I wonder if you, like, when I talk about my little cousins,
36:56 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
36:57 Speaker 00 Sometimes I get, I get, I get weird about that. Because they're kids and they can't consent to being talked about like that.
37:04 Speaker 01 Yes, yeah.
37:04 Speaker 00 And I would never share anything. I think, but they say such funny shit.
37:07 Speaker 01 Yeah.
37:08 Speaker 00 That I'm like, it is so funny. So those are the only things I really turn over about like, oh, should I say this?
37:13 Speaker 01 Right.
37:13 Speaker 00 But other than that, I never worry. I'll say like really raunchy sexual shit at a show I know my mom's at.
37:18 Speaker 01 I know.
37:19 Speaker 00 That's fine, we're adults.
37:20 Speaker 01 Yeah, I have this one joke right now about my daughter. And I'm like, it's, I can't wait to retire it. It's like one of those things that I'm like, it'll never go anywhere. I'll tell, I'll tell the story on stage, but I'm like, I just don't like it. Because I'm like, there is something in me that's like, I, she doesn't, you know?
37:36 Speaker 00 Yeah.
37:36 Speaker 01 I don't want to do that to her.
37:38 Speaker 00 Yeah.
37:38 Speaker 01 Like, it's not, it doesn't feel right.
37:42 Speaker 00 It's so interesting to think that like someday she's gonna grow up and like watch your stand-up.
37:46 Speaker 01 Oh, god, yeah.
37:47 Speaker 00 And be like, oh, that's what, that's what mom was doing?
37:49 Speaker 01 Yeah.
37:49 Speaker 00 Crazy.
37:50 Speaker 01 Well, she'll say stuff like, like last night, she was in the bath and, uh, I heard her, you know, she was like, where's mama? And Andy was like, oh, mama's in the other room. She goes, mama's on stage. And I was like, oh.
38:06 Speaker 00 Oh.
38:06 Speaker 01 Whoops.
38:10 Speaker 01 Whoops.
38:12 Speaker 00 That's so cool, though.
38:13 Speaker 01 It's, it, maybe it sounds cool, but it felt sad.
38:18 Speaker 00 It felt sad because you're like, she, when she thinks of you, she thinks of you as being away.
38:22 Speaker 01 Yeah.
38:23 Speaker 00 And over there onstage.
38:23 Speaker 01 That's like what made me, yeah, I was like, oh. I feel so guilty.
38:28 Speaker 00 Really?
38:29 Speaker 01 Like, I do feel incredibly, that was part of the reason why I had to go on like the antidepressants and stuff. I felt so fucking guilty with like SNL and fucking all those hours and being away from her.
38:42 Speaker 00 Yeah.
38:42 Speaker 01 And like, never knowing if she was like gonna know that I was her mom, you know? I was like, I really started to, I wasn't prepared for that kind of guilt.
38:50 Speaker 00 Yeah.
38:51 Speaker 01 You know?
38:51 Speaker 00 That makes a lot of sense.
38:52 Speaker 01 Yeah.
38:53 Speaker 00 I, I, I mean, I had a mom who was working all the time and was gone a lot. And I definitely, as a kid, was like, why the fuck are you gone all the time? You're supposed to be my parent. Like, I definitely felt it as a kid, but I will say-
39:05 Speaker 01 Well, that's good, that makes me feel better.
39:06 Speaker 00 No, but I'm saying-
39:09 Speaker 00 I'm like, where is this bitch? I'm abandoned.
39:12 Speaker 01 And you know, and I haven't forgiven her, um, you know, and I never will, but it's fine, she chose her path.
39:19 Speaker 00 Rosebud, you have to let me finish. No, as an adult, I'm like, hello, do you don't want, like, I'm so glad I had a mom who was like doing shit and who like, did make time to like have a life and like was providing for us. Oh, for sure.
39:31 Speaker 01 Okay.
39:32 Speaker 00 And kids don't fucking know anything, they're stupid.
39:34 Speaker 01 Yeah, they are. No, they are so dumb.
39:35 Speaker 00 Their emotions are like fickle and dumb, they get upset about nothing.
39:38 Speaker 01 No, she asked me to talk like Elmo and she thinks I'm Elmo, I'm like, you fucking idiot.
39:41 Speaker 00 You're not wise, yeah. Sorry, you think I'm Elmo.
39:46 Speaker 01 Anything.
39:46 Speaker 00 Yeah, you would fall for anything, you're a rube.
39:48 Speaker 01 Yeah.
39:49 Speaker 00 Yeah.
39:49 Speaker 01 Yeah.
39:50 Speaker 00 Kids are rube.
39:51 Speaker 01 They're rubes.
39:53 Speaker 01 You're a rube.
39:54 Speaker 00 You're a rube, you're an easy mark.
39:56 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
39:56 Speaker 00 Get out of here. What do you hope for, what do you want from her? Like, what do you want to happen for her? If you had your dream, like, what do you, what would you want her life to be?
40:03 Speaker 01 Whatever she wants it to be.
40:04 Speaker 00 I know, people say that and I hate that.
40:06 Speaker 01 But that's true.
40:07 Speaker 00 You don't have a dream?
40:08 Speaker 01 For her?
40:09 Speaker 00 Yeah, you're not like, oh, I hope she's-
40:11 Speaker 01 I have to dream for myself.
40:12 Speaker 00 I know, but don't you dream for her sometimes when you're bored or you really-
40:15 Speaker 01 Okay, alright, if I, I would say I really do want, um, I want for us to be close.
40:23 Speaker 00 Yeah.
40:24 Speaker 01 Um, and hopefully she's gay.
40:28 Speaker 00 You think so?
40:29 Speaker 01 Yeah.
40:29 Speaker 00 You want gay kid?
40:30 Speaker 01 I, I do.
40:31 Speaker 00 Okay.
40:34 Speaker 01 I don't know that that's gonna eliminate the threat of men, but it does eliminate like the relationships with them.
40:42 Speaker 00 Yeah.
40:42 Speaker 01 Where I'm like.
40:43 Speaker 00 Well, the threat of men is omnipresent, yeah.
40:45 Speaker 01 Yes, but it's, I, I think about the relationships that I was in and I go, if anybody fucking did to my daughter what they did to me, I would end their fucking life.
40:58 Speaker 00 You friends with a lot of lesbians?
41:01 Speaker 01 Hmm, not really, actually.
41:02 Speaker 00 Yeah, I'm gathering that because when you said that, I don't think you know how bad it gets with lesbians.
41:09 Speaker 01 Really?
41:09 Speaker 00 It's, uh, it's a type of toxic that they couldn't make in a lab.
41:14 Speaker 00 Lesbian, I mean, you think, you think men and women get into it?
41:17 Speaker 01 Yeah.
41:18 Speaker 00 Let, uh, let, dude, these girls are going through it, dude. Lesbians are.
41:23 Speaker 01 You're like blowing my mind right now.
41:25 Speaker 00 I'm shaking right now. I'm like shaking, trembling, thinking about some of the things my lesbian friends have been through. Because what it is, is they're all, they're like super.
41:32 Speaker 01 I'm thinking like DV though.
41:35 Speaker 00 Domestic violence. Look.
41:39 Speaker 00 It's obviously worse with straight people, but I'm saying there's something that can be, okay, when you get two toxic women together.
41:46 Speaker 01 Yeah.
41:47 Speaker 00 And they understand like therapy language on a level that's like.
41:50 Speaker 01 Oh, god, yeah, no, I've been there, I've been there, yeah, yeah.
41:52 Speaker 00 The emotional torment that these women are able to put each other through.
41:55 Speaker 01 Right.
41:57 Speaker 00 Lesbians is a different kind of torture.
41:58 Speaker 01 I could see that.
41:59 Speaker 00 It's beautiful as well. I do think they have the best situation overall, lesbians.
42:03 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
42:03 Speaker 00 They have the highest likelihood that it's gonna go well.
42:06 Speaker 01 Yeah.
42:06 Speaker 00 Lesbians, but man, I have been through some lesbian breakups that would, like, there are prisoners of war that haven't seen things I've seen.
42:12 Speaker 01 Why do they keep, why do they all stay friends with each other after?
42:15 Speaker 00 They can't help it. They can't help it, that's just how they are. I'm gonna cry.
42:19 Speaker 01 I guess I should ask my sister. My sister is.
42:21 Speaker 00 Lesbo?
42:21 Speaker 01 Yeah.
42:22 Speaker 00 Nice.
42:22 Speaker 01 Yeah, she just got married.
42:24 Speaker 00 Is she the boy or the girl?
42:26 Speaker 01 Um, the girl.
42:29 Speaker 01 Yeah. The girl.
42:32 Speaker 00 Nice.
42:32 Speaker 01 For sure.
42:33 Speaker 00 That's really nice. Sometimes there's two boys and two girls, even when they're both girls.
42:35 Speaker 01 Yeah.
42:36 Speaker 00 There's a lot of times a boy and a girl.
42:37 Speaker 01 Yeah, she's the girl.
42:38 Speaker 00 Yeah.
42:39 Speaker 01 For sure.
42:39 Speaker 00 That's nice.
42:40 Speaker 01 Um, yeah. You know? I think the girl is whoever planned the wedding.
42:46 Speaker 00 Yeah, well, you can tell by how they dress.
42:48 Speaker 01 Yeah, well, also, yeah.
42:49 Speaker 00 Yeah, usually get them.
42:50 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
42:51 Speaker 00 It always makes me laugh when, when homophobes are like, they try to be like, which one's the boy and which one's the girl? I'm like, take a look.
42:57 Speaker 01 Yeah.
42:58 Speaker 00 Yeah, whichever one's dressed like.
42:59 Speaker 01 Pretty easy, just eyeball it.
43:00 Speaker 00 You dress like an electrician, that's the boy.
43:01 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
43:02 Speaker 00 Yep.
43:03 Speaker 01 Short hair.
43:03 Speaker 00 Yep, the girls were in the Britney Spears t-shirt.
43:05 Speaker 01 Yeah.
43:06 Speaker 00 Yep.
43:06 Speaker 01 That's right.
43:07 Speaker 00 Pretty easy with guys as well.
43:08 Speaker 01 Yeah.
43:09 Speaker 00 Yeah, it's easy to tell.
43:10 Speaker 01 Yeah, I should ask her, though. I mean, she didn't really date that many. She like dated a woman and married her.
43:17 Speaker 00 Hmm.
43:17 Speaker 01 I think she dated one woman before. And then, it was like a three-week thing, and then she met Chloe, and now they're married.
43:24 Speaker 00 Yeah.
43:25 Speaker 01 But before that, it was all men.
43:26 Speaker 00 Chloe's the boy, huh?
43:27 Speaker 01 Chloe's the boy.
43:29 Speaker 00 Tough name for the boy.
43:30 Speaker 01 I know.
43:31 Speaker 00 Do you know what my favorite trends is?
43:32 Speaker 01 What should we, what?
43:33 Speaker 00 Online, when, when they, they go ask like, like, it's a thing I've seen about, I get served a lot of lesbian content because of my lifestyle.
43:40 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
43:41 Speaker 00 And, um, they'll go.
43:42 Speaker 01 Can I vape while you, while you say this?
43:43 Speaker 00 Yeah.
43:44 Speaker 01 Are you upset by it?
43:45 Speaker 00 No, I'm just worried about you. Who knows this, okay, have you, yeah, I vape, I want you to vape.
43:51 Speaker 01 I feel like you're mad at me.
43:52 Speaker 00 I'm not, I'm just concerned. I'm kidding, I'm really not. I really don't judge the vape. You look ridiculous, you know?
44:02 Speaker 00 You look ridiculous, but you should see some of the things I eat.
44:05 Speaker 01 There is a van, there's a fan that's like literally blowing.
44:08 Speaker 00 I don't mind that.
44:09 Speaker 01 Okay.
44:09 Speaker 00 Everyone has to have their thing, and my thing, I, the reason I don't, I don't do, I don't do coke, I don't drink, I don't, the only things I do are.
44:17 Speaker 01 You never do any of those?
44:18 Speaker 00 No, I smoke weed.
44:19 Speaker 01 Okay.
44:20 Speaker 00 And I eat garbage.
44:21 Speaker 01 Okay.
44:21 Speaker 00 These are my things.
44:22 Speaker 01 Thank God.
44:23 Speaker 00 And that's, so I'm like, other people do meth and go to stay out at raves all night long and, and drink and drink and drink and drink.
44:28 Speaker 01 Right.
44:29 Speaker 00 That's their thing.
44:30 Speaker 01 Yeah.
44:30 Speaker 00 My thing is that I eat garbage and smoke weed.
44:32 Speaker 01 There are some meth heads that eat garbage.
44:34 Speaker 00 Totally.
44:35 Speaker 01 Yeah.
44:35 Speaker 00 Totally.
44:36 Speaker 01 Yeah.
44:36 Speaker 00 There, yeah, there's an interesting thing in the gay guy community where the, the fat phobes in the gay guy community will be like, I want someone who takes care of themselves. And then they're on meth at like,
44:44 Speaker 01 Yeah.
44:44 Speaker 00 you know, circuit parties.
44:45 Speaker 01 Right.
44:46 Speaker 00 And I'm like, right, so you mean something else, but I get the idea.
44:48 Speaker 01 I get what you're saying.
44:49 Speaker 00 Yeah.
44:49 Speaker 01 Someone who looks like they take care of themselves.
44:51 Speaker 00 I got the message. Yeah, I understood what you needed. Yeah.
44:53 Speaker 01 They just meant, yeah.
44:54 Speaker 00 Thin.
44:54 Speaker 01 Thin.
44:55 Speaker 00 Which is fabulous. Thin is so fun. I love thin sometimes. I've dated thin people.
45:00 Speaker 01 Yeah.
45:00 Speaker 00 Some of my closest friends are thin.
45:02 Speaker 01 I don't, I don't like a really thin look on a, on a guy.
45:06 Speaker 00 Really?
45:07 Speaker 01 Yeah.
45:07 Speaker 00 Yeah.
45:08 Speaker 01 It always, to me, I'm like, are you sick?
45:10 Speaker 00 Yeah.
45:10 Speaker 01 You know?
45:11 Speaker 00 Oh my God. Do you know who the hottest TV dad of all time was to me?
45:14 Speaker 01 Who?
45:15 Speaker 00 Dan Connor from Roseanne.
45:16 Speaker 01 Yes.
45:17 Speaker 00 God.
45:18 Speaker 01 Well, actually, mine is more toxic, but it's Tony Soprano.
45:22 Speaker 00 Yeah.
45:23 Speaker 01 Tony Soprano was...
45:24 Speaker 00 I learned a lot about you just now. Yeah.
45:26 Speaker 01 Yeah, you did.
45:26 Speaker 00 Yeah, that's beautiful, though.
45:27 Speaker 01 I've, I've rewatched that show so many times and every single time I have sex dreams about him.
45:32 Speaker 00 You know, he is, he is sexy, but he's not nice to Carmella.
45:36 Speaker 01 Yeah, but he'll, he'll fuck you on the subway in your dreams.
45:39 Speaker 00 Yeah. But he's bad to Carmella.
45:45 Speaker 01 But Carmella is bad to Carmella, too.
45:47 Speaker 00 Hmm.
45:48 Speaker 01 Sorry, I'll say it.
45:50 Speaker 00 Hmm, what do you mean?
45:51 Speaker 01 Carmella knows what she's getting into. That's what, that's the beauty of Carmella, is that she's not like a one dimensional character. You know that she knows what the fuck's going on.
46:01 Speaker 00 She loves it, too.
46:02 Speaker 01 And she's like, she gets into like the, you know, the church to like atone for it, but she's never gonna leave.
46:08 Speaker 00 Yeah.
46:09 Speaker 01 And it's, she likes the money.
46:10 Speaker 00 She loves the money and the status. She likes being the first lady.
46:13 Speaker 01 Yes.
46:14 Speaker 00 She does. And she always po, she postures as if she's like outside of it, but Carmella, you're part of it.
46:19 Speaker 01 You are a part of it.
46:20 Speaker 00 Yeah. And don't get me started on Meadow. I mean, what a pill.
46:24 Speaker 01 Yeah.
46:25 Speaker 00 Meadow is.
46:25 Speaker 01 Absolutely.
46:27 Speaker 00 What a pill Meadow is.
46:28 Speaker 01 Stop it. Stop it, Meadow.
46:31 Speaker 00 Who's your favorite character on that show?
46:36 Speaker 01 I would say Christopher.
46:37 Speaker 00 Really?
46:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
46:39 Speaker 00 I must be loyal to my capo.
46:40 Speaker 01 Yeah, I like Christopher, um, just because he's such a fuck up.
46:44 Speaker 00 Yeah.
46:45 Speaker 01 He's such an interesting character.
46:47 Speaker 00 Yeah.
46:47 Speaker 01 You know, I wouldn't say he's like my favorite, like, oh, let's hang out.
46:50 Speaker 00 Yeah.
46:50 Speaker 01 But he's my favorite character in terms of like the way he's written.
46:53 Speaker 00 Mine's Janice.
46:54 Speaker 01 Janice? Yes, Janice!
46:56 Speaker 00 Icon dude.
46:57 Speaker 01 Oh my god, yes. Janice is great. I didn't even think about Janice.
47:01 Speaker 00 Janice is amazing.
47:02 Speaker 01 She is.
47:03 Speaker 00 She's fucking awesome.
47:04 Speaker 01 Yeah.
47:05 Speaker 00 She's like the hippie sister that went away and came back, ends up, which this happens to a lot of hippie girls. They go back and just end up doing the marrying the guy from home thing.
47:12 Speaker 01 Yes.
47:13 Speaker 00 Then she killed him.
47:14 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
47:14 Speaker 00 Which is awesome.
47:15 Speaker 01 That's the greatest scene. I will watch that scene when I'm PMSing.
47:17 Speaker 00 Yeah.
47:18 Speaker 01 Just, just to, just to blow off steam.
47:21 Speaker 00 Some feminine rage.
47:22 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah. God, it's so fucking good.
47:24 Speaker 00 What were we talking about?
47:25 Speaker 01 I don't know.
47:26 Speaker 00 Yeah, we really got away from it. I have a question for you though.
47:28 Speaker 01 Yeah.
47:29 Speaker 00 What's so true to you?
47:31 Speaker 01 Um, oh shit, uh...
47:33 Speaker 00 Rosebud Baker, what's so true to you?
47:36 Speaker 01 What's so true to me?
47:37 Speaker 00 You didn't think about it, did you?
47:38 Speaker 01 No, I didn't.
47:39 Speaker 00 It's the whole name of the show.
47:40 Speaker 01 I know, I know, um...
47:42 Speaker 00 This is a shame.
47:43 Speaker 01 What's so true, well, let's keep talking and it'll come to me.
47:47 Speaker 00 Well, we could play a segment. You wanna play the game?
47:49 Speaker 01 Yeah.
47:49 Speaker 00 Chance, my papers. Bitterman?
47:53 Speaker 01 Bitterman?
47:54 Speaker 00 Chance has to bring me my papers. Thank you Chance.
48:01 Speaker 00 Thank you Chance. Um, Rosebud?
48:04 Speaker 01 Yeah.
48:04 Speaker 00 I'm gonna read you 15 statements.
48:05 Speaker 01 Wait, I thought about it.
48:07 Speaker 00 Well, we'll come back to it.
48:08 Speaker 01 Okay.
48:08 Speaker 00 I'm gonna read you 15 statements. You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if you think what I just said is true or false.
48:13 Speaker 01 Okay.
48:13 Speaker 00 If you get 10 or more correct, we're gonna give you 50 US dollars.
48:17 Speaker 01 Okay.
48:17 Speaker 00 Huge. You ready? You ready?
48:20 Speaker 01 Yeah.
48:21 Speaker 00 Sea otters hold hands when they sleep.
48:23 Speaker 01 Yes, true.
48:24 Speaker 00 Humans have been on Earth longer than dinosaurs were.
48:27 Speaker 01 Uh, fa- true?
48:29 Speaker 00 False.
48:30 Speaker 01 False?
48:31 Speaker 00 And is the most spoken English word.
48:34 Speaker 01 False.
48:35 Speaker 00 False, it's the. Langley High School's mascot is Harry the Whistleblower.
48:39 Speaker 01 False.
48:40 Speaker 00 False, it's...
48:42 Speaker 01 Like a Viking?
48:43 Speaker 00 Otto the Saxon.
48:45 Speaker 01 Fuck.
48:45 Speaker 00 Hawaii is the only US state to never record a temp of zero.
48:50 Speaker 01 Uh, false?
48:51 Speaker 00 It's true.
48:52 Speaker 01 Fuck!
48:53 Speaker 00 Only... Only female mosquitoes bite.
48:57 Speaker 01 False?
48:57 Speaker 00 True.
48:58 Speaker 01 Shit, fuck!
48:59 Speaker 00 And, uh, I'm not surprised to hear it either. Um...
49:04 Speaker 00 Austin Butler's from Waco, Texas.
49:07 Speaker 01 False.
49:07 Speaker 00 False, he's from Anaheim, California.
49:09 Speaker 01 Yeah.
49:09 Speaker 00 Visa is older than Mastercard.
49:12 Speaker 01 True?
49:12 Speaker 00 True. Emerson College has a campus in Netherlands.
49:17 Speaker 01 False?
49:17 Speaker 00 True.
49:18 Speaker 01 What? I went there!
49:19 Speaker 00 Sorry... May 11th is the most common birthday in the US.
49:23 Speaker 01 False.
49:24 Speaker 00 False, it's September 9th. A group of zebras is called a dazzle.
49:28 Speaker 01 I hope so, I hope that's true. I'm gonna say true, cuz I want it to be.
49:33 Speaker 00 True.
49:33 Speaker 01 Yes!
49:34 Speaker 00 Water has an expiration date.
49:35 Speaker 01 False?
49:36 Speaker 00 False. Jessica Alba has a Tony Award.
49:39 Speaker 01 No.
49:42 Speaker 00 False.
49:42 Speaker 01 False.
49:43 Speaker 00 St. Louis is the capital of Missouri.
49:44 Speaker 01 I just rejected it, um...
49:46 Speaker 00 No. No, she can't.
49:49 Speaker 01 No!
49:51 Speaker 01 Um, St. Louis is the capital of Missouri? Is that...
49:56 Speaker 01 True?
49:57 Speaker 00 False. It's Jefferson City, fake town. A mountain lion, puma, cougar, and panther are all the same animal.
50:05 Speaker 01 I'm gonna say true.
50:06 Speaker 00 That is true.
50:06 Speaker 01 Yeah.
50:07 Speaker 00 How'd she do? 10!
50:09 Speaker 01 Ahhh! Shut up!
50:10 Speaker 00 You won!
50:10 Speaker 01 Really?
50:11 Speaker 00 Yeah.
50:13 Speaker 01 $50.
50:15 Speaker 00 I got pretty close, that's probably gonna be cool. Slow that down in the edit, make me all cool on that.
50:19 Speaker 01 Yeah.
50:19 Speaker 00 Um, Rosebud, what's so true to you?
50:21 Speaker 01 I think that what is so true is people who give you advice are actually just telling you what they want for themselves.
50:30 Speaker 00 Hmm, what do you mean?
50:32 Speaker 01 When somebody offers you advice, what they're saying is what they should've done.
50:35 Speaker 00 What they would've, what they should've done in the situation?
50:38 Speaker 01 Yes.
50:38 Speaker 00 Oh, I thought you meant they're telling you what would be most convenient for them... For you to do. Like, if, like, if you're like, "Oh, should I go to the grocery store today and I really need you to get out of the house?", I'd be like, "Oh, you have to."
50:50 Speaker 01 No, no, no.
50:50 Speaker 00 You're saying, you're, okay, got you.
50:51 Speaker 01 I'm saying if somebody's offering you advice, they're saying, they're like, "Be like me."
50:55 Speaker 00 Yeah.
50:56 Speaker 01 And...
50:58 Speaker 01 You shouldn't listen to people who do that.
51:00 Speaker 00 Yeah, I'm like this. I'm like that.
51:03 Speaker 01 What?
51:03 Speaker 00 I do that. I give, I give people advice to be like me.
51:06 Speaker 01 Yeah, me too.
51:07 Speaker 00 Yeah, I do that.
51:08 Speaker 01 But I think it's, I think everybody does.
51:10 Speaker 00 Yeah, you think it's a common thing?
51:11 Speaker 01 That's why I think it's so true.
51:13 Speaker 00 Yeah, so you don't think that we should take that advice, though?
51:16 Speaker 01 Listen, if it works for you, it works for you.
51:18 Speaker 00 Yeah.
51:18 Speaker 01 But I don't think that you should take advice from anyone that is like, I, I don't like, uh, you know, anybody who calls themselves like a guru or anybody who calls themselves like a, a thought leader.
51:31 Speaker 00 Life coach.
51:31 Speaker 01 Or a life coach, or I, I think those people especially are like mentally unhinged.
51:37 Speaker 00 Yeah.
51:37 Speaker 01 And need to be, needs some help. They need more help than you do.
51:43 Speaker 00 Yeah, they're worse off. If I ever come to power, there'll be very specific groups of people that are in trouble.
51:48 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
51:48 Speaker 00 Um, and it won't be the boring, like, it won't be like immigrants and stuff, that sucks.
51:52 Speaker 01 Right.
51:52 Speaker 00 It'll be like life coaches.
51:53 Speaker 01 Yes.
51:53 Speaker 00 Like, you're going to jail.
51:54 Speaker 01 You absolutely belong in jail.
51:56 Speaker 00 You're a charlatan, you're going to jail.
51:57 Speaker 01 Yeah, and especially the ones that like, um, that have like a specific set of rules, you know what I mean?
52:04 Speaker 00 Yeah.
52:04 Speaker 01 A set of like, uh, I'm thinking of like short men that assault people. And period, yeah.
52:13 Speaker 00 Short men, period.
52:14 Speaker 01 Period.
52:15 Speaker 00 Yeah. No, I do like short men sometimes. Well, when they're jolly.
52:18 Speaker 01 So do I.
52:19 Speaker 00 When they're sweet, you know?
52:20 Speaker 01 Yeah.
52:21 Speaker 00 If you're sweet.
52:21 Speaker 01 Yeah.
52:22 Speaker 00 But when a short man's angry, it's too much for the little container.
52:25 Speaker 01 Well, I think tall men really, yeah, that's true.
52:27 Speaker 00 You know?
52:28 Speaker 01 That's true.
52:28 Speaker 00 You need to be tall so that can, the hate can spread out.
52:30 Speaker 01 Yeah.
52:31 Speaker 00 When you're short.
52:31 Speaker 01 A short man who's angry is actually really terrifying.
52:35 Speaker 00 Horrifying.
52:36 Speaker 01 Um, you're so right. But I do think that tall men, they get a lot of love.
52:42 Speaker 00 Yeah.
52:43 Speaker 01 And I loved a tall man, you know, I still love it. I'm married to a tall man.
52:47 Speaker 00 Yeah.
52:47 Speaker 01 But, uh, you know, once you're pregnant with their kid, you're like, I should have thought this through.
52:52 Speaker 00 How tall's your man?
52:53 Speaker 01 Six-two?
52:55 Speaker 00 It's a good height.
52:56 Speaker 01 Yeah.
52:56 Speaker 00 It's a good height for a man.
52:57 Speaker 01 It's a good height for a man.
52:58 Speaker 00 Yeah.
52:59 Speaker 01 Not a great height for a fucking baby.
53:00 Speaker 00 Baby, your baby's. You're really worried about your baby's height.
53:04 Speaker 01 I really am.
53:04 Speaker 00 She's tall.
53:05 Speaker 01 She's, I, I just think it's so crazy that you can give birth to someone who's taller than you.
53:09 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah. It's probably gonna happen.
53:11 Speaker 01 It's so fucking crazy. Like, you never hear about that, you know, like, you, you wouldn't see a fucking hippo give birth to a giraffe.
53:17 Speaker 00 Right.
53:18 Speaker 01 You know?
53:18 Speaker 00 We do that as humans, though.
53:19 Speaker 01 Yeah.
53:20 Speaker 00 My grandma's right here.
53:21 Speaker 01 Crazy.
53:22 Speaker 00 I tower over her.
53:23 Speaker 01 Crazy.
53:23 Speaker 00 I could kick her down so easy.
53:25 Speaker 01 Yeah.
53:26 Speaker 00 I never do, cuz I love her, but she would be easy to kick down.
53:29 Speaker 01 And you do think about it.
53:30 Speaker 00 Push her.
53:30 Speaker 01 Right.
53:31 Speaker 00 No, I just think she's right there where my foot is.
53:33 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
53:33 Speaker 00 You know?
53:34 Speaker 01 So you thought about it?
53:35 Speaker 00 I don't wanna kick her down.
53:37 Speaker 01 But you've thought about it?
53:38 Speaker 00 It would take nothing to do it.
53:40 Speaker 01 It would feel good.
53:42 Speaker 00 It would take nothing to kick her down.
53:43 Speaker 01 It might feel good.
53:44 Speaker 00 To kick Lillian down?
53:45 Speaker 01 Would it, would it make you giggle for a second?
53:47 Speaker 00 Well, she would fall funny, probably. I don't wanna hurt her.
53:51 Speaker 01 No.
53:52 Speaker 00 But of course she would fall funny.
53:53 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
53:54 Speaker 00 She's a little old lady.
53:55 Speaker 01 Yeah.
53:56 Speaker 00 And I could just-
53:56 Speaker 01 And the sound she would make would be hilarious.
53:58 Speaker 00 I wouldn't even really have to-
53:59 Speaker 01 She'd probably say something like, "Blurk, blurk!", you know what I mean?
54:01 Speaker 00 No, or yeah, or something like that.
54:03 Speaker 01 Something crazy.
54:04 Speaker 00 Yeah. I, I mean, yeah, it's funny. It's funny to think about, but I don't want her to fall.
54:09 Speaker 01 No.
54:10 Speaker 00 Cuz I love her too dearly.
54:11 Speaker 01 It would be sad.
54:12 Speaker 00 I did wanna bring one thing up to you.
54:13 Speaker 01 Yeah.
54:14 Speaker 00 You got kicked off your high school cheerleading team.
54:16 Speaker 01 I did.
54:16 Speaker 00 How and why?
54:17 Speaker 01 Where's the research team?
54:19 Speaker 00 Right there.
54:19 Speaker 01 Bravo.
54:19 Speaker 00 You're looking at him.
54:21 Speaker 01 Um, I got kicked off my high school cheerleading team. I made a joke about somebody's appearance.
54:26 Speaker 00 Rosebud?
54:26 Speaker 01 Yeah. I did.
54:28 Speaker 00 It's horrible. What'd you say?
54:33 Speaker 01 I literally can't-
54:34 Speaker 00 It was a fat joke, wasn't it?
54:34 Speaker 01 I can't repeat it on a podcast.
54:35 Speaker 00 It was a fat joke, wasn't it?
54:36 Speaker 01 No, it wasn't.
54:36 Speaker 00 You sick?
54:37 Speaker 01 No, it was, it was her face.
54:39 Speaker 00 Oh.
54:42 Speaker 01 It was about her face.
54:42 Speaker 00 How old were you, 16, 17?
54:45 Speaker 01 I don't know how old you are in high school anymore.
54:47 Speaker 00 It's like 15 to 18.
54:48 Speaker 01 Yeah, so, around that.
54:49 Speaker 00 Somewhere in there.
54:50 Speaker 01 Same age.
54:51 Speaker 00 Why'd you do it? Did she at least deserve it?
54:53 Speaker 01 I think she had said some shit about me, like, behind my back, but, or I had heard about it. I don't remember exactly. All I remember was I was right.
55:02 Speaker 00 Yeah.
55:02 Speaker 01 Which is what you need to remember in arguments.
55:04 Speaker 00 Yeah.
55:05 Speaker 01 Um, but, you know, was I, should I have made the joke that I made? Not, probably not.
55:12 Speaker 00 No, no.
55:12 Speaker 01 Probably not.
55:13 Speaker 00 Yeah.
55:14 Speaker 01 But did it feel good to say it?
55:15 Speaker 00 Also, her face shouldn't look like that, probably, if she's gonna be mean. That's the thing, if you're gonna be mean, you have to be prepared for people to come for you.
55:22 Speaker 01 That's what I'm saying. I, I was like, you should be pretty.
55:25 Speaker 00 Yeah.
55:25 Speaker 01 If you're gonna be mean in high school, you should be pretty. That's one of the main rules of high school.
55:28 Speaker 00 Yeah. Hello.
55:30 Speaker 01 Yeah.
55:31 Speaker 00 There was a, I remember there was a girl that I went to, to high school with who, she accidentally sent a text about me to me.
55:38 Speaker 01 Shut the fuck up.
55:39 Speaker 00 In high school. And it was really mean. It was about how fat I am and how I need to like get on a treadmill. And I, I hadn't done anything to her. Like I had just been, she was annoyed by me, which is not doing something to someone. Being annoying is not doing something to someone. And I, I really hated that girl for a long time.
55:56 Speaker 01 Yeah.
55:57 Speaker 00 Cause I was like, who were you gonna send this to?
55:59 Speaker 01 Right. Did she tell you?
56:01 Speaker 00 She didn't tell me who she was gonna send it to.
56:03 Speaker 01 Did she cop to the fact that she was like?
56:05 Speaker 00 Oh, she felt horrible. She felt really bad.
56:06 Speaker 01 What did she say? How did she try to save it?
56:08 Speaker 00 She was, she was like, she was like, I'm so sorry. That wasn't supposed to go to you.
56:12 Speaker 01 Obviously bitch.
56:13 Speaker 00 I feel so bad. And like, obviously you don't deserve that. And I was like, I was like, yeah, we're not, we're not friends. You shouldn't talk to me for a while. And she was, and she was like, she was like, I'm so sorry. Like, can we talk about it? And I was like, no, there's really nothing to talk about. That was really mean.
56:25 Speaker 01 Yeah.
56:26 Speaker 00 And I don't want to talk to you for a while.
56:27 Speaker 01 Yeah.
56:28 Speaker 00 And I think I did eventually end up saying something mean about her family.
56:31 Speaker 01 Yeah.
56:31 Speaker 00 I was like, if I came from a family like yours, I probably wouldn't be saying things this mean about people for no reason.
56:35 Speaker 01 Absolutely.
56:36 Speaker 00 She came from a broken family.
56:38 Speaker 01 Yes. Good for you. Good for you.
56:41 Speaker 00 But I can say that because I also come from a broken family. But that's why I didn't talk bad about people is because my family is broken.
56:46 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's why. Yeah. No, I really think that like if you, uh, I love that you said that to her.
56:54 Speaker 00 If you come from a broken family, you need to keep things pretty tight.
56:57 Speaker 01 Yeah.
56:57 Speaker 00 Yeah.
56:58 Speaker 01 Yeah.
56:58 Speaker 00 The home structure's a mess.
56:59 Speaker 01 You should know how to keep secrets.
57:01 Speaker 00 Don't worry about me being fat. Where's your dad?
57:03 Speaker 01 Right?
57:03 Speaker 00 You know?
57:04 Speaker 01 Maybe if you were better at keeping your mouth shut, he wouldn't have left.
57:10 Speaker 00 Meanwhile, my dad's not there either. You know what I mean?
57:12 Speaker 01 Doesn't matter.
57:12 Speaker 00 Doesn't matter.
57:13 Speaker 01 Doesn't matter.
57:16 Speaker 00 Yeah, God love her.
57:16 Speaker 01 No, that's the thing is like, I have a problem if I, uh, if I, if somebody really pisses me off, okay? And it takes a wa, it takes a lot.
57:25 Speaker 00 Yeah.
57:25 Speaker 01 It does. But, once somebody gets me there, I will say something that I cannot take back because it is true.
57:31 Speaker 00 Yeah.
57:32 Speaker 01 I will say something that is-
57:33 Speaker 00 You'll go to the truthful place.
57:33 Speaker 01 I will go to a truthful place.
57:35 Speaker 00 Yeah.
57:35 Speaker 01 And it's something that I've been observing for a long time.
57:39 Speaker 00 Yeah.
57:39 Speaker 01 And you can tell that I have chosen not to say anything about it.
57:43 Speaker 00 Yeah.
57:43 Speaker 01 And now I've, now I've crossed that threshold.
57:46 Speaker 00 Well, I think a lot of comedians have this superpower, which is that I'm not necessarily thinking negative about the thing that you hate about yourself. But it's easy to tell. It's so easy to tell what someone doesn't like about themselves.
57:55 Speaker 01 Yes.
57:56 Speaker 00 And I can certainly log it and I'm not holding on to it. I don't want to hurt someone ever.
58:00 Speaker 01 No.
58:00 Speaker 00 But I, I will say I have a power that I don't use almost ever. That I could really take someone down if I needed to.
58:07 Speaker 01 Oh, a hundred percent.
58:08 Speaker 00 And I don't want to. But sometimes when people are evil, you get the impulse.
58:12 Speaker 01 Yeah, Caleb, it does kind of feel good when it happens.
58:14 Speaker 00 Of course, because if they've been evil, it's like I'm do, I'm, I'm Batman.
58:17 Speaker 01 Yeah.
58:17 Speaker 00 I'm like, I'm Robin Hood.
58:19 Speaker 01 Yeah, I'm a vigilante in my own life.
58:20 Speaker 00 Yeah, I'm doing good. I'm stealing from the rich and giving to the poor.
58:23 Speaker 01 Right.
58:24 Speaker 00 You know?
58:24 Speaker 01 Yeah.
58:25 Speaker 00 But you don't want to use it.
58:26 Speaker 01 The poor is me and the rich is also me.
58:28 Speaker 00 And the rich is me as well. Yeah.
58:31 Speaker 00 I'm stealing from me and giving to me.
58:32 Speaker 01 Yeah.
58:33 Speaker 00 And so I win.
58:34 Speaker 01 I would love to see you lose your shit at some point. I mean, I don't want that for you, but I would love to see it. Like, I would watch it and be proud.
58:42 Speaker 00 Chance has known me since we were 17 years old. Have, when, I mean, when, when do you think I most lost my shit?
58:48 Speaker 02 Oh, man, there's been a couple times. I, I think maybe when you've most lost your shit, hmm.
59:00 Speaker 00 I, it doesn't happen very often, but I'm open to hearing about it.
59:03 Speaker 02 But there's been like little, there, you, you kept it pretty calm, but you got close in Seattle when that guy was being weird because we like bumped into his door in the parking lot of the Starbucks.
59:13 Speaker 00 Oh, my God. He almost got a very interesting side of me.
59:16 Speaker 02 Yeah.
59:17 Speaker 00 So what happened was, we were on tour and it was, who was in the car? Me, Lily, you and Virginia?
59:22 Speaker 02 Yeah.
59:23 Speaker 00 So Lily Sullivan was with us. Do you know Lily?
59:25 Speaker 01 Um.
59:26 Speaker 00 She's does comedy Bang Bang. She's so fucking funny.
59:28 Speaker 01 I don't think I know her.
59:29 Speaker 00 You gotta check out her stuff. She's so, so funny. She's been on the show. She's very funny. She went on tour with us for a little bit in the Pacific Northwest.
59:34 Speaker 01 Hmm.
59:35 Speaker 00 It's me, Chance, uh, our friend Virginia, who does social media for the show, and then Lily, who was like our guest for that leg.
59:40 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
59:41 Speaker 00 And we were leaving a Starbucks and when we were getting in the car, one of the girls. Tapped, there was a car next to us, like tapped his car with our door.
59:50 Speaker 01 Yeah.
59:50 Speaker 00 Barely.
59:51 Speaker 01 Right.
59:52 Speaker 00 And this guy gets out and starts like, like yelling at her. And I was like, you get in the car. And then I got out and I was like, what's your problem?
59:59 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:00:00 Speaker 00 And he was like, she hit my car. And I was like, she barely fucking touched it. You need to relax and lower your voice.
1:00:04 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:00:05 Speaker 00 It's just like, I don't know, he was probably like 25 or something, something like Jim bro.
1:00:08 Speaker 01 Ew.
1:00:08 Speaker 00 And he was like, he was like, look. And I was like, I'm looking at it. There's nothing. And he was pointing to like a dirt speck that had like transferred from the door.
1:00:15 Speaker 01 Right.
1:00:15 Speaker 00 And I went, I think you'll fucking live.
1:00:18 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:00:18 Speaker 00 And he goes, he goes, no, no, give me your information. I was like, I'm not giving you anything. We're fucking leaving and you're not doing anything about it. Goodbye.
1:00:24 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:00:24 Speaker 00 And I got in the car and then he like followed us for a second. Like trying to take pictures of our license plate. Oh, he goes, he told me, I'm going to take picture of your license plate. And I go, great, have fun sending a picture of my rental car license plate to the cops.
1:00:38 Speaker 00 What does that mean to me? I was like, I was like, you're a loser. Get in your fucking car. I was inches away from having a physical fight with him.
1:00:44 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:00:45 Speaker 00 Cause he was yelling, was it Lily or Virginia? It was at Lily. It really pissed me off. Yeah. You're like yelling at like a woman who barely touched your car. I was like psycho, get in your fucking car.
1:00:55 Speaker 01 Fucking loser.
1:00:56 Speaker 00 And his tone immediately, he didn't like get super cool, but his tone shifted big time when I got out of the car.
1:01:00 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:01:01 Speaker 00 And I'm like, so you know what you were doing then?
1:01:03 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:01:04 Speaker 00 You were being menacing because you thought you could get away with it.
1:01:06 Speaker 01 Right.
1:01:06 Speaker 00 So you're evil and someone should kick your ass.
1:01:09 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:01:09 Speaker 00 I'm not going to, cause I have to go to a show.
1:01:13 Speaker 01 I have a show to get to.
1:01:14 Speaker 00 I have to do a show, a sold out show. But if I didn't, perhaps we would fight.
1:01:19 Speaker 01 Fight, we might fight with our hands.
1:01:21 Speaker 00 Yeah, that was close. That was, that was probably the most recent time, actually.
1:01:23 Speaker 01 Oh my God, I would love that. That's hot.
1:01:25 Speaker 00 That was crazy.
1:01:26 Speaker 01 That's hot to me. I'm, I'm toxic.
1:01:29 Speaker 00 You are. Tony Soprano told a lot.
1:01:31 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:01:31 Speaker 00 Yeah. Tony Soprano gave a lot away.
1:01:34 Speaker 01 I know, I know. I can't help it though. There's something about it that like a man losing his temper, like in defense of a woman. Does something. Oh, love it.
1:01:45 Speaker 00 Nice. Well, good to know.
1:01:46 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:01:47 Speaker 00 Rosebud, it's been a delight to have you.
1:01:49 Speaker 01 It's been a delight to be here.
1:01:50 Speaker 00 We love you here more than life itself.
1:01:52 Speaker 01 I love you more than life itself. Thanks for having me.
1:01:54 Speaker 00 Do you want to tell people where they can find you, where they can watch the special, et cetera?
1:01:56 Speaker 01 Yeah, you can watch my special on Netflix. It's called The Motherlode. Um, L-O-D-E, not the gross way.
1:02:03 Speaker 00 Yeah, yuck.
1:02:04 Speaker 01 Um, and, uh, and I'm on tour. Uh, you can check my website, rosebudbaker.com.
1:02:12 Speaker 00 Go see Rosebud on tour. We love you, dude. Thanks for doing it.
1:02:14 Speaker 01 Thanks for having me.
1:02:15 Speaker 00 Yeah, anytime.
1:02:16 Speaker 01 That was a HeadGum Podcast.
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