Pod Insights So True with Caleb Hearon Chris Fleming Returns About this episode Welcome back, y’all! This week is the return of the one and only Chris Fleming! Chris and Caleb talk Moon Ceremonies, examining various types of soil, Chris living in a very dangerous house, a certain childhood nickname, and so much more!
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Produced by Chance Nichols @chanceisloud
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So True is a Headgum podcast, created and hosted by Caleb Hearon. The show is produced by Chance Nichols with Associate Producer Allie Kahan and Executive Producer Emma Foley. So True is engineered by Casey Donahue and engineered and edited by Nicole Lyons. Kaiti Moos is our VP of Content at Headgum. Thanks to Luke Rogers for our show art and Virginia Muller our social media manager.
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Transcript 16,216 words · 4 speakers
0:00 Speaker 00 Let's be honest, you don't go to the family holiday gift exchange just to participate. You go to win. This year, get a gift that'll cause a stir. A KitchenAid stand mixer. It's not just an appliance, it's a present to help them with the making. Year after year, recipe after recipe, you're enabling the family to whip up new traditions. 'Tis your season to mix it up. Gift a KitchenAid stand mixer this year and make more than meals.
0:30 Speaker 01 This is a HeadGum Podcast.
0:33 Speaker 02 I think the last like four or five times I've tried to hang out with you, there's been some issue with your house in the woods.
0:37 Speaker 03 My chandelier just blew up.
0:39 Speaker 02 Caleb, Caleb, Caleb, I'm not kidding.
0:46 Speaker 02 You realize that we're recording now and so you have to be careful. Oh, mere seconds ago, Chris.
0:50 Speaker 03 Since you parked?
0:51 Speaker 02 Yeah, the second I park, they turn the mics on.
0:53 Speaker 03 Well, I felt Chance's sneaky arm put a little Go, put a little GoPro.
0:58 Speaker 02 Chance is always touching our guests inappropriately. You realize, you realize that we're recording on Chance's 30th birthday?
1:04 Speaker 03 Yes, yes.
1:05 Speaker 02 Chance's birthday, give it up for Chance's birthday. Why wouldn't we?
1:08 Speaker 03 I already wished him a big happy birthday.
1:09 Speaker 02 Yeah, you gave him a gift, I saw that.
1:12 Speaker 03 Uh, yeah.
1:13 Speaker 02 I was gonna give him a gift. I was looking at a gift to bring here to the studio today and then he asked me to go to dinner and I said, well, if I'm going to dinner, I'm not getting you a box of cigars and going to rouse Hollywood.
1:23 Speaker 03 I was gonna give him a koi, you know, like.
1:25 Speaker 02 A what?
1:26 Speaker 03 A koi, you know, a koi pond, like one koi.
1:27 Speaker 02 You were gonna give him just one single koi?
1:29 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:30 Speaker 02 Yeah, he would have appreciated that. He's a very grateful young man.
1:32 Speaker 03 You, he supplies the koi, the koi pond, I supply the koi.
1:36 Speaker 02 He's a former, he's a very grateful formerly young man.
1:39 Speaker 03 Yes.
1:39 Speaker 02 30.
1:40 Speaker 03 30 feels good on him.
1:42 Speaker 02 30 looks good on him. He looks like a solid 30.
1:44 Speaker 03 We were talking about it and 30 is the first time I exhaled in my entire life.
1:48 Speaker 02 Really? What were your 20s like? Tell me about your 20s.
1:51 Speaker 03 I was bouncing around.
1:52 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:52 Speaker 03 I was, I was, I was true Tigger mode.
1:57 Speaker 02 You were going Tigger?
1:58 Speaker 03 Yeah, you know, I had this, I still have this wonderful friend Jer and I, I would be going too hard, right? In college and after, whenever I, whenever I was hamming up too much, he would go behind me and he'd go, "All right, Chris."
2:12 Speaker 03 All right, Chris.
2:13 Speaker 02 All right, Chris.
2:14 Speaker 03 Like a clown whisperer.
2:15 Speaker 02 Hey. He's, why is he Matthew McConaughey?
2:17 Speaker 03 He, he is. He has a southern accent. He's from Brookline, Mass.
2:20 Speaker 02 Yeah.
2:21 Speaker 03 And I gotta say, Caleb, I mean, you, the glow up here, because last time we recorded.
2:25 Speaker 02 Yeah.
2:26 Speaker 03 It was in like a DOI checkpoint.
2:30 Speaker 02 And can you believe people missed that? People missed that studio. They missed when things were simple.
2:34 Speaker 03 I kind of hear that.
2:35 Speaker 02 They recognized that I've gone Hollywood.
2:37 Speaker 03 Yeah, there, uh, it's a little, I mean, yeah, you're a company man now.
2:41 Speaker 02 You've noticed a shift in me during our friendship. I can feel it.
2:44 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
2:44 Speaker 02 You, and do you want to speak on that? It's a space for you to speak.
2:48 Speaker 03 Well, no, I actually haven't.
2:51 Speaker 02 Not, Chris, Chris not doing my bit.
2:54 Speaker 02 Chris, Chris going, oh, I'm not gonna do that one.
2:56 Speaker 03 Sorry, sorry, sorry.
2:57 Speaker 02 Let's just go back to Jer.
2:58 Speaker 03 Sorry.
2:58 Speaker 02 Let's go back to Jer. Let's go back to Jer McConaughey.
3:01 Speaker 03 Let's go back to, let's go back to the old studio.
3:03 Speaker 02 Oh, well, you know what I was gonna tell you?
3:05 Speaker 03 Chan's taken out the carbon monoxide battery detector so we could get a clean take.
3:12 Speaker 02 You know what I was gonna tell you?
3:13 Speaker 03 What?
3:14 Speaker 02 I had a crazy day today.
3:15 Speaker 03 Okay.
3:16 Speaker 02 I flew from JFK Airport in New York to Los Angeles.
3:19 Speaker 03 Okay.
3:20 Speaker 02 Ten-year-old girl.
3:21 Speaker 03 Hmm.
3:21 Speaker 02 Across the aisle from me.
3:22 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
3:23 Speaker 02 I don't know what she does for work. To be in first class.
3:26 Speaker 03 She's a plagiarist is what she is. If she's in first class, whoa.
3:31 Speaker 02 She's in first class.
3:32 Speaker 03 Okay.
3:32 Speaker 02 See, we're in the old studio in a way. Things are falling apart in here. Head gum, I got in a fight with Head Gum on the last episode.
3:38 Speaker 03 Yeah?
3:38 Speaker 02 Yeah, they had to release a statement.
3:40 Speaker 03 Yeah.
3:41 Speaker 02 Because I said the studios in New York shouldn't be in Manhattan.
3:44 Speaker 03 They're in Manhattan?
3:45 Speaker 02 They're in, Chris, you know, you know, this is what the fuck I'm saying. Look at the freaks who do Head Gum shows. You seen one well-adjusted person sitting in front of this fucking thing? No.
3:55 Speaker 03 No, it's guys with glasses facing away from the camera.
4:02 Speaker 03 So as I was saying last episode.
4:06 Speaker 03 Just shaking.
4:07 Speaker 02 Yeah, nobody, no respectable Manhattan person should have to see the freaks and ghouls.
4:12 Speaker 03 No.
4:13 Speaker 02 That habitate the HeadGum universe.
4:15 Speaker 03 The subreddit?
4:18 Speaker 02 Is there a?
4:19 Speaker 03 HeadGum should just be Phoenix. It should be in Phoenix.
4:21 Speaker 02 Yeah, let's just move it to Phoenix, Arizona.
4:23 Speaker 03 Yeah.
4:24 Speaker 02 I'll go out there.
4:24 Speaker 03 Yeah, in one of the tunnels?
4:26 Speaker 02 What the hell, why not? But.
4:27 Speaker 03 I could see you cleaning up in Phoenix.
4:29 Speaker 02 Oh, God, you know, Chris.
4:31 Speaker 03 You know what? You asked me. Okay, I've been thinking about what you asked me. Have I seen a change in you? And I, I have.
4:37 Speaker 02 Okay, what is it?
4:38 Speaker 03 Well, I've seen mostly, you've become a man of many disguises.
4:42 Speaker 02 Hmm.
4:42 Speaker 03 And whenever you're showing up all over the place, my for you page, it's all, but it's you in various costumes and, but you wear these costumes. It's, it's from a clip of a podcast and you're wearing a costume.
4:53 Speaker 02 Hmm.
4:54 Speaker 03 Like, I think at one point you, it was a Minion's piece.
4:56 Speaker 02 I've worn, I've worn one single costume.
4:58 Speaker 03 No, and no, there was one where you looked like a mirage a man would see in the desert, where you were like dressed like a chicken bone.
5:04 Speaker 02 Okay, I've worn two costumes. I remember Stavi, Stavros Halkeis made me put on a fucking turkey for his podcast, because he has no respect for me.
5:12 Speaker 03 This is what I was gonna ask you.
5:13 Speaker 02 He has no respect for me, no one does.
5:14 Speaker 03 There's a stillness to you in these costumes that, that makes it seem, it's like when you put a costume on a dog and they, and they go on movement strike.
5:23 Speaker 02 Yeah.
5:24 Speaker 03 That's. You're completely statuesque.
5:28 Speaker 02 Yeah.
5:28 Speaker 03 In these, but you're, but you're, the clips I see are always at a point where you've forgotten, I think you're in the costume.
5:35 Speaker 02 Yeah.
5:35 Speaker 03 So you're genuinely speaking about something, you know, student counselor, whatever.
5:44 Speaker 03 And you got.
5:45 Speaker 02 Dragged my whole shit, okay?
5:46 Speaker 03 It's you, Brittany, and Drew, which has major back of the bus band camp energy.
5:52 Speaker 02 Yeah.
5:52 Speaker 03 On band trip.
5:53 Speaker 02 Yeah, a couple of maracas back there.
5:55 Speaker 03 Yeah, you're the drum major.
5:56 Speaker 02 Yeah, okay. Interesting.
5:58 Speaker 03 Yeah.
5:59 Speaker 02 You put me in a leadership role.
6:00 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah, of course.
6:01 Speaker 02 Thank you.
6:02 Speaker 03 You don't feel that?
6:03 Speaker 02 You think that the, me wearing the costumes is a change that you've noticed in me?
6:06 Speaker 03 Yep.
6:07 Speaker 02 Okay.
6:07 Speaker 03 You're, you're masquerading as things now.
6:09 Speaker 02 Yeah, I'm, you think I'm putting on.
6:11 Speaker 03 I go, who is this? Then I have to reverse Google search the eyes and I see that's Caleb in there.
6:16 Speaker 02 You couldn't tell it was me in the Minion costume? You had to look it up?
6:19 Speaker 03 So who's this?
6:21 Speaker 02 Huh?
6:21 Speaker 03 Who's this pompadour?
6:23 Speaker 02 Wait, you got away from my story.
6:24 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, sorry. Ten year old across the aisle.
6:26 Speaker 02 Ten year old.
6:27 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
6:28 Speaker 02 What does she do on this flight? Six hours, transcontinental flight?
6:30 Speaker 03 Yeah.
6:31 Speaker 02 First of all, she goes in hot. Two hours of extremely focused, eyes next to the screen anime. Two hours of anime glued to the screen, okay? And I'm, so I'm starting to take notice of her behaviors. Before I fell asleep, she ordered four Diet Cokes. She is glued to the screen.
6:48 Speaker 03 That's how Elvis died.
6:49 Speaker 02 Pounding, pounding Diet Cokes, watching anime. Then, when I wake up, she is in the middle of taking, I'm not kidding, what I witnessed, 200 selfies. Then, she kicks her Uggs off into the aisle and turns on Clueless, okay? I'm addicted to her, I can't get enough. Then, when they bring around the warm chocolate chip cookies, they give you one.
7:08 Speaker 03 Was it the Polar Express?
7:10 Speaker 02 You ever been, Delta One.
7:11 Speaker 03 When they hand-feed you the nougat?
7:12 Speaker 02 Delta One, very nice experience. Delta, I love what you're doing on it.
7:15 Speaker 03 Delta One?
7:16 Speaker 02 Delta One.
7:17 Speaker 03 Guess what you say?
7:17 Speaker 02 Delta One, the, the Lie Down Pods. They only do it New York to LA in the States, and back and forth. Maybe Boston to San Francisco or something as well.
7:27 Speaker 03 Where there's like a shower.
7:28 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, I wish. Some of those people. Chris, don't, Chris, don't get me started, some of those people. Today I was those people. Today actually was a low point for me in travel. Today was the first time I wore sleep pants to the airport.
7:40 Speaker 03 Sleep, like PJs?
7:41 Speaker 02 Yeah.
7:42 Speaker 03 Yeah.
7:42 Speaker 02 I am officially somebody I've been detest, like, I've been disgusted by.
7:47 Speaker 03 Night guard in?
7:48 Speaker 02 I, oh yeah, it's, I'm just over, I can't anymore.
7:51 Speaker 03 No.
7:51 Speaker 02 I hate traveling so much at this point.
7:53 Speaker 03 Oh, me too.
7:54 Speaker 02 Oh, when they brought the hot, hot cookies around, she asked if she could have two more.
7:58 Speaker 03 I feel like you're gonna find that she's probably like, like some, someone's daughter, you know? That's probably like-
8:05 Speaker 02 We're all someone's daughter, Chris.
8:06 Speaker 03 But like-
8:08 Speaker 02 Don't you find?
8:09 Speaker 03 That's so true.
8:10 Speaker 02 Don't you find? I'm trying to have a serious episode with you this time.
8:14 Speaker 03 We're all someone's daughter. I saw everything capital, ever, the first letter of every one of those words capitalized.
8:19 Speaker 02 We're all someone's daughter, Chris.
8:21 Speaker 03 Yeah.
8:21 Speaker 02 Don't you find?
8:22 Speaker 03 I mean, like, she's probably like Natasha Beddingfield's daughter, and she's probably-
8:26 Speaker 02 Natasha Beddingfield's daughter?
8:27 Speaker 03 Yeah. She's probably, she's probably like some pop star. That we don't, she probably has massive following.
8:33 Speaker 02 Yeah.
8:34 Speaker 03 She's probably gonna be in the Rachel Sennett Show.
8:37 Speaker 02 Everyone's in the Rachel Sennett Show.
8:38 Speaker 03 Everyone's daughter is in Rachel Sennett.
8:42 Speaker 03 I think they should for that show, they should, they should record it in front of a live audience of Gen Z. And it's just silent, and then occasionally someone just goes, "I'm laughing."
8:53 Speaker 02 Well, we could have you do that, you could get paid for that, that'd be nice.
8:56 Speaker 03 I don't know, with my team, I'm not getting paid for that.
9:00 Speaker 02 That's tough to hear, because we share a manager.
9:02 Speaker 03 I know.
9:03 Speaker 02 That's really tough to hear.
9:04 Speaker 03 I'm not including Olivia on that, she's good.
9:06 Speaker 02 Yeah.
9:07 Speaker 03 She'll get me paid.
9:08 Speaker 02 You're doing very well, Chris. Your clip's everywhere. People loving Chris Fleming.
9:12 Speaker 03 People loving Caleb more, way more.
9:14 Speaker 02 People loving Chris Fleming.
9:14 Speaker 03 Well, I appreciate that.
9:15 Speaker 02 I'm loving everything you're posting. You've been on fire. You've always been great. You know that you're one of my favorites. And you don't want me to be earnest. I know you don't want me to be earnest, but I'm being earnest now.
9:24 Speaker 03 Okay.
9:24 Speaker 02 I'm entering earnest hour.
9:26 Speaker 03 Okay.
9:26 Speaker 02 You've always been one of my favorites.
9:27 Speaker 03 Okay.
9:28 Speaker 02 But you've been on fire.
9:29 Speaker 03 Thanks.
9:30 Speaker 02 You've really killing it lately. I'm really loving everything I'm seeing.
9:32 Speaker 03 Well, I decided, what am I, what am I saving it for?
9:35 Speaker 02 Yeah.
9:35 Speaker 03 Put it out.
9:36 Speaker 02 What are you waiting? What are you holding on to it for?
9:38 Speaker 03 The cavalry's not coming, baby.
9:39 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's just us.
9:40 Speaker 03 Yeah, man.
9:43 Speaker 02 It's just me and you.
9:44 Speaker 03 What, am I gonna hoard material?
9:45 Speaker 02 Rogue artists on the road.
9:47 Speaker 03 Put it out, man.
9:48 Speaker 02 You're, you're a road dog.
9:49 Speaker 03 Kinda.
9:50 Speaker 02 Waxahachie is making me do her birthday show, okay?
9:53 Speaker 03 Okay, who?
9:54 Speaker 02 Waxahachie, you know her song, her music?
9:55 Speaker 03 I, you're, you're, you're 15 steps ahead of me.
9:58 Speaker 02 Incredible.
9:58 Speaker 03 I, I only know about the Dixie Chicks.
10:00 Speaker 02 Been on the show. They've, they've changed their name, Chris. They're just the Chicks now.
10:05 Speaker 03 Mm.
10:10 Speaker 03 I was gonna figure they, they were like the Dixie Women or something.
10:13 Speaker 02 Yeah.
10:14 Speaker 03 The Dixie gals, but they, they kept the Chicks.
10:16 Speaker 02 We should be the Dixie gals.
10:17 Speaker 03 We are. In my group, in my group chat with each other.
10:20 Speaker 02 We're so close to having a show together. We're so close to having a show together.
10:23 Speaker 03 I know.
10:23 Speaker 02 You know they're working on it.
10:24 Speaker 03 Well, oh yeah, but that's people, I mean, it's like, it's gonna, you have to go viral every day of your life.
10:35 Speaker 02 I think I am.
10:36 Speaker 03 You are.
10:36 Speaker 02 I'm trying so hard.
10:37 Speaker 03 And then on our deathbeds, we get comics to watch.
10:39 Speaker 02 Yeah, we get JFL.
10:41 Speaker 03 We get J-
10:41 Speaker 02 JFL, what a fucking racket.
10:43 Speaker 03 Well, Vancouver is up, I think it's like a phantom limb. JFL Vancouver is like-
10:48 Speaker 02 JFL Vancouver.
10:49 Speaker 03 Like, I think it's like the go, they claim to still be doing it.
10:53 Speaker 02 JFL is a money laundering front. JFL, JFL New Faces is always like 17, 20-year-olds with 375,000 followers on every platform.
11:05 Speaker 03 That's what I'm talking about.
11:06 Speaker 02 Who were signed by UTA when they were six.
11:08 Speaker 03 Did Shirley Temple have a follow, like, when they discovered her?
11:13 Speaker 03 I love how people are like, "You've got someone, kid." Yeah.
11:16 Speaker 02 Yeah.
11:16 Speaker 03 A viable business.
11:17 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
11:18 Speaker 03 For the last 25 years.
11:19 Speaker 02 A business manager who manages a $600,000 a year touring business is what they have. A new face.
11:25 Speaker 03 Right.
11:26 Speaker 02 Oh, this fucking business.
11:27 Speaker 03 Oh, it's making me sick.
11:29 Speaker 02 You and I, we know, there's something else.
11:31 Speaker 03 Well, we're, we're tortoises. Olivia's got tortoises.
11:35 Speaker 02 Yeah, we'll speak on that.
11:37 Speaker 03 You know.
11:38 Speaker 02 Punched.
11:38 Speaker 03 Slow, no, it's like. Punched and slow.
11:42 Speaker 02 Punched and slow. It's just, it's kind of snarling.
11:46 Speaker 03 I'm gonna pop in my late 60s.
11:47 Speaker 02 You think?
11:48 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah.
11:48 Speaker 02 I think you've popped. I think you're gonna pop again.
11:51 Speaker 03 Really?
11:51 Speaker 02 You're gonna pop some more along the way.
11:53 Speaker 03 Do you ever feel like, "Oh, my God," like with the New Year's thing, it's like, "Oh, my God, I gotta do that again?"
11:58 Speaker 02 Another year?
11:59 Speaker 03 Yeah.
11:59 Speaker 02 How are you doing?
12:02 Speaker 03 I mean, career-wise, no, I don't mean in life.
12:04 Speaker 02 Oh, okay, good. You're liking being alive. Okay, good. Just checking in.
12:08 Speaker 03 Yeah.
12:08 Speaker 02 Checking in.
12:09 Speaker 03 You texting the other hand?
12:10 Speaker 02 Guys, got the cameras. What's going on? We got the couches. We don't have to record this.
12:13 Speaker 03 You call in animal control, on the other hand?
12:15 Speaker 02 Another year of work. You know what's really funny?
12:19 Speaker 03 Yeah.
12:19 Speaker 02 I was with Brittany Broski right before this.
12:21 Speaker 03 Yeah.
12:21 Speaker 02 And she said, um...
12:23 Speaker 03 I thought I sniffed a little broski on you.
12:24 Speaker 02 Yeah, there's a little broski in the air.
12:25 Speaker 03 Yeah.
12:26 Speaker 02 I said, I said, "I'm going to record with Chris Fleming. I'm so excited." She said, "How are you gonna get in the zone to be on that guy's level?" I said, "I'm not. I'm gonna bring a trank gun." And I'm gonna sedate him. So that we can, so that we can be on the same level, 'cause I can't get to where he is.
12:40 Speaker 03 You gotta grab me by the ears, say, "We have to get through this."
12:44 Speaker 02 And I will at some point, I'm sure.
12:46 Speaker 03 We have to be professional.
12:47 Speaker 02 Chris, please, please, this is head gum.
12:49 Speaker 03 We're not in the social security office that you used to record in.
12:58 Speaker 03 Instead of all this, it was just chunks of insulation on the walls.
13:04 Speaker 02 It is, it is annoying that Muna gets to do their show in here.
13:07 Speaker 03 They do?
13:07 Speaker 02 I don't like sharing a space with those lesbians. Goodness, I mean, what the heck is going on with those three?
13:14 Speaker 03 I love to, I have recently found myself accepted into the lesbian elite.
13:18 Speaker 02 Have you not always been?
13:19 Speaker 03 No, no.
13:20 Speaker 02 You had trouble getting into the lesbian elite?
13:23 Speaker 03 Well, you gotta be careful. You gotta kinda, you know, yeah, you go, you go out, you go in, you go out.
13:28 Speaker 02 You dip a toe?
13:28 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
13:29 Speaker 02 Into the lesbian elite circles?
13:30 Speaker 03 And then you get out.
13:30 Speaker 02 And then you get out.
13:31 Speaker 03 Yeah. When they start doing this stuff by the, by the fire?
13:34 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah. I mean, you're kidding, but that's, I've gone to lesbian parties and they're literally doing that by the fire.
13:39 Speaker 03 Caleb, Caleb, I'm not kidding.
13:40 Speaker 02 Do you know how many, do you know how many like full moon ceremonies I've been invited to?
13:45 Speaker 03 Yeah, to see the way they relate to the moon, it is astonishing.
13:49 Speaker 02 It's astonishing.
13:50 Speaker 03 Yeah.
13:51 Speaker 02 Being friends with an LA lesbian is not for the faint of heart. You have no idea how much gratitude you can express. You have no idea how much reflecting and checking in can be done until you've hung out with an LA lesbian.
14:01 Speaker 03 Yeah.
14:02 Speaker 02 You have no idea the intentions you can write down and set on fire and give them over to the universe.
14:05 Speaker 03 Burn this.
14:06 Speaker 02 You have no idea.
14:07 Speaker 03 No.
14:08 Speaker 02 What twigs can mean.
14:09 Speaker 03 Do they ever switch clothes with you?
14:11 Speaker 02 Well, no.
14:12 Speaker 03 Yeah.
14:13 Speaker 02 None of them are big enough.
14:14 Speaker 03 Katie Gavin.
14:15 Speaker 02 Small.
14:16 Speaker 03 She's always switching clothes with me.
14:17 Speaker 02 Really?
14:17 Speaker 03 Well, it only happened once, actually.
14:19 Speaker 02 Okay.
14:19 Speaker 03 At Largo.
14:20 Speaker 02 What happened?
14:21 Speaker 03 In the middle of a podcast, she goes, "Come with me." We're recording and then she tears me backstage and we swap shirts.
14:28 Speaker 02 Tears you asunder.
14:29 Speaker 03 Tears me asunder and then I come back out wearing her clothes.
14:31 Speaker 02 What shirt did you end up in?
14:33 Speaker 03 It was a, it was a barely there situation.
14:36 Speaker 02 Yeah.
14:36 Speaker 03 It was very, it was very revealing.
14:38 Speaker 02 That's nice.
14:39 Speaker 03 Yeah, the kind of thing my grandfather's looking down on and going, "Mm, mm, mm."
14:43 Speaker 02 Yeah, your grandfather, huh?
14:45 Speaker 03 Yeah, he called me Butch.
14:46 Speaker 02 What?
14:47 Speaker 03 He used to call me Butch.
14:52 Speaker 02 No chance.
14:53 Speaker 03 I don't know, he did. I don't know if it was ironic or if he was trying to like manifest it.
14:58 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, he's like, "Manly, my manly grandson."
15:02 Speaker 03 Yeah, let's, let's jump the car.
15:04 Speaker 02 Ah, good, good to be a boy, is it not?
15:08 Speaker 02 Hey Butch.
15:08 Speaker 03 Hey Butch.
15:09 Speaker 02 Bye, bye, babe.
15:13 Speaker 03 I'm covered in hula hoops. You can just see my eyes. Hi!
15:18 Speaker 02 What were you like as a kid?
15:20 Speaker 03 I was shy, but I wrote Chris the comedian. I would sign my name, Chris the comedian, in kindergarten.
15:25 Speaker 02 Stop it.
15:26 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah.
15:27 Speaker 02 That's adorable, and also horrifying.
15:28 Speaker 03 They're moaning in the producer's studio.
15:31 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's adorable, but a horrifying mark of a sociopath, I think.
15:34 Speaker 03 Oh, totally.
15:35 Speaker 02 Chris the entertainer. You being like, "I will, the masses will listen."
15:39 Speaker 03 Yeah, and they were like, "Yeah, Chris is gonna be a comedian."
15:41 Speaker 02 Yeah.
15:41 Speaker 03 He's not gotten into it yet, he's saving it. And I didn't speak until I was three.
15:46 Speaker 02 Yeah.
15:46 Speaker 03 I could see us being kind of similar as kids, very sensitive.
15:49 Speaker 02 You and me?
15:50 Speaker 03 Yeah, what were you like?
15:51 Speaker 02 I was very sensitive.
15:52 Speaker 03 Yeah.
15:53 Speaker 02 Yeah.
15:53 Speaker 03 Yeah.
15:53 Speaker 02 I was really, I was really, I was really, um, soft. It was pathetic. It was pathetic.
16:00 Speaker 03 No.
16:00 Speaker 02 Oh, it was so sad.
16:01 Speaker 03 No, it's your gift.
16:02 Speaker 02 I didn't know how to be tough. Now I'm strong.
16:04 Speaker 03 Yeah, you are.
16:05 Speaker 02 No, I was a very sensitive kid.
16:06 Speaker 03 Yeah.
16:06 Speaker 02 Yeah.
16:07 Speaker 03 When did you get, when did you get tough? Well, in, in high school, you were a narc, right?
16:13 Speaker 03 You're open about it.
16:18 Speaker 02 You're 100% right, but... To have a dear friend look at me and say, "In high school, you were a narc, right?" So brutal.
16:26 Speaker 03 I think about that story.
16:27 Speaker 02 So brutal.
16:27 Speaker 03 I don't wanna burn your...
16:28 Speaker 02 Yeah, I was boring in high school, I was so boring in high school, you know this. I was such a little freak. Not in the fun way either. Other kids, I was a freak in the way where like, I really thought student government mattered.
16:39 Speaker 03 It did.
16:39 Speaker 02 I got that we were making big differences.
16:41 Speaker 03 What was your role in student government?
16:42 Speaker 02 Well, school spirit chair.
16:45 Speaker 03 Yeah. What were some days?
16:47 Speaker 02 Some day, oh, golly. Well, I'll tell you a day that caused controversy.
16:50 Speaker 03 Uh huh, uh huh.
16:51 Speaker 02 That's when we had dress up like Principal Shero Day.
16:53 Speaker 03 Okay.
16:54 Speaker 02 Some kids took some liberties.
16:56 Speaker 03 Well, yeah, and is Principal Shero ready to be seen like that?
16:59 Speaker 02 Yeah. Well, he was not a fat man, but he just was a, he was a, he was, he had a little bit of a tummy, a tiny tummy. He was a thin guy, really.
17:07 Speaker 03 He had a healthy punch.
17:08 Speaker 02 A bunch of people put pillows in their shirts.
17:10 Speaker 03 Of course.
17:11 Speaker 02 And he did, I don't think he loved that. And I think...
17:14 Speaker 03 Well, they had limited tools.
17:15 Speaker 02 Yeah.
17:16 Speaker 03 What are they gonna, what are they gonna do, prosthetics?
17:18 Speaker 02 I can't do like a nose or a hair or anything.
17:20 Speaker 03 No, a soul pat, what, what, what kind of facial hair?
17:22 Speaker 02 I watched, yeah, a little, a little soul pat, a little, uh, like a little goatee.
17:25 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah.
17:26 Speaker 02 I watched him take a picture with three, uh, like, good-looking teenage boys.
17:30 Speaker 03 Sure.
17:31 Speaker 02 Wearing pillows and their shirts to imitate him, and I saw a pain in his eyes. That I hadn't seen in a grown man yet.
17:36 Speaker 03 Totally, totally.
17:38 Speaker 02 And I, and I marked that moment as like, wow, aging is, um, aging is a nightmare, probably.
17:43 Speaker 03 In a power position like that, you have to be ready to be sat satirized by the teens.
17:48 Speaker 02 Yeah.
17:49 Speaker 03 By your people with a serpdom.
17:50 Speaker 02 Yeah.
17:51 Speaker 03 They're gonna have, they're gonna come for you.
17:53 Speaker 02 Do you get come for ever? Like, does the right-wing people ever get a hold of your stuff? Is that what happens to you?
17:58 Speaker 03 No, I mean, no, they don't. Okay, ah, God, I'm trying to think. It's mostly just women telling me that they astral project with me every once in a while. The most people, the most shit I get is like,
18:14 Speaker 03 this sucks.
18:15 Speaker 02 That's it?
18:16 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's like, it's, I would think it would be a lot worse.
18:18 Speaker 02 Oh, I got targeted by a right-wing campaign recently.
18:21 Speaker 03 Oh, you won Z-way, it was incredible, by the way.
18:24 Speaker 02 Oh, thank you.
18:25 Speaker 03 You were like Jon Stewart and Tucker, Tucker Carlson or something.
18:28 Speaker 02 You're so good!
18:30 Speaker 03 You were unflappable.
18:31 Speaker 02 Whoa!
18:32 Speaker 03 I couldn't believe it.
18:33 Speaker 02 That's beautiful, Chris, thank you for saying that.
18:35 Speaker 03 I would, my glasses would have fogged up. So you, you and I were men with glasses.
18:40 Speaker 02 That's one thing about us.
18:41 Speaker 03 And I think you're probably like me. You wanna leave a social interaction with them. You don't want the world remembering the glasses. But when I, when I freak out, like if I'm bombing, which at Largo, it'll happen a lot with, if I'm doing someone's in Friends show.
18:56 Speaker 02 Yeah.
18:57 Speaker 03 They'll think, and they're like, who's this old woman with no ideas, you know? And then.
19:01 Speaker 02 You're bombing at Largo?
19:02 Speaker 03 On other people's in Friends shows. Oh, no, no, I'm eating ass. Like, I'm doing so bad.
19:07 Speaker 02 Really?
19:08 Speaker 03 Yeah, Flanney's the only one laughing in the back.
19:11 Speaker 02 Yeah, Flanney's giving a big Irish laugh from the side stage, he loves you.
19:14 Speaker 03 But my glasses fog when I'm not doing. And, and I, if I were doing that Z-way situation, I, my glasses would have fogged immediately.
19:21 Speaker 02 Really?
19:22 Speaker 03 And you were just.
19:24 Speaker 03 How'd that feel?
19:25 Speaker 02 Um, I mean, I was fine with, I wasn't nervous about the To Do Z Way.
19:31 Speaker 03 Yeah.
19:32 Speaker 02 I didn't feel like, you know, I think there's an interesting thing about white people who get nervous about a situation like that.
19:39 Speaker 03 Hmm.
19:39 Speaker 02 And it's that they are, they're genuinely fearful that they're gonna get caught in something.
19:44 Speaker 03 Hmm.
19:45 Speaker 02 That they're like, oh, I actually have some bad ideas sitting under here that they're gonna get, they're gonna get plucked out. And I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I'm like, I feel, I think-
19:52 Speaker 03 But there's so much like-
19:53 Speaker 02 I have enough trust.
19:53 Speaker 03 There's so much silence that's, you know, I would start admitting to crimes I didn't commit.
19:58 Speaker 02 Right, the silence scares you.
19:59 Speaker 03 Yeah.
20:00 Speaker 02 We, I would say, she, Z Way's use of silence is pronounced.
20:04 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
20:04 Speaker 02 And you, you see it in the edit, it's in the room. She, she will, she will throw something at you and then stare at you for 175 seconds. Like, she, she will just sit, her team's not rustling, no one's moving in the room.
20:18 Speaker 03 No.
20:19 Speaker 02 It's dead silent.
20:20 Speaker 03 Yeah.
20:20 Speaker 02 It's interesting.
20:21 Speaker 03 But you're, you got, you're stepping into some power, that's some media training right there.
20:25 Speaker 02 I, have you ever had media training?
20:27 Speaker 03 Oh, every day of my life, Caleb.
20:29 Speaker 02 Look at you.
20:30 Speaker 03 Me and my dad, my dad wakes me up.
20:32 Speaker 02 Takes you to the gym.
20:33 Speaker 03 Alright, Chris.
20:34 Speaker 02 Alright.
20:35 Speaker 03 Let's do this.
20:36 Speaker 02 Chair's there.
20:37 Speaker 03 Yeah, alright.
20:38 Speaker 02 Alright, Chris.
20:39 Speaker 03 You know, I hear that, if I'm hamming it up too much, alright, then he walks away.
20:43 Speaker 02 I don't think you can ham it up too much.
20:45 Speaker 03 Oh, I can, I mean, you showed it to me back then, I was going way too hard.
20:48 Speaker 02 I would've loved to know you back then.
20:49 Speaker 03 I was walking around, doing the-
20:51 Speaker 02 You're doing that now.
20:53 Speaker 03 On the streets.
20:55 Speaker 02 That's for, that's for friends and family.
20:57 Speaker 03 That's me on the streets.
20:57 Speaker 02 Yeah, that is you in the streets.
20:59 Speaker 03 Yeah.
20:59 Speaker 02 You also tricked me into having a full Cowery Coke. You said you wanted one, I got inspired.
21:03 Speaker 03 Oh, I'm gonna have it.
21:04 Speaker 02 Now I mostly threw mine, you haven't touched yours.
21:05 Speaker 03 I'm gonna- You've barely touched yours.
21:08 Speaker 02 You've barely touched your full Cowery Coke. Chris, what's going on?
21:15 Speaker 02 Isn't that stuff good? Isn't that stuff good?
21:17 Speaker 03 The amount of sugar I have in a day.
21:19 Speaker 02 How much? What are we talking?
21:21 Speaker 03 You, I mean, I mean, I'm, when I, when they cut me open and, and study me.
21:27 Speaker 02 Are you giving your body to science?
21:28 Speaker 03 Of course.
21:29 Speaker 02 Yeah, I hoped.
21:30 Speaker 03 Everything but the nose.
21:33 Speaker 02 Where's it going?
21:34 Speaker 03 My family.
21:34 Speaker 02 To your family?
21:35 Speaker 03 Yeah.
21:36 Speaker 02 They gonna like, put it in a shadow box or something?
21:37 Speaker 03 It's up to them what they're gonna do with it.
21:39 Speaker 02 Yeah. I don't prescribe. I don't prescribe to tell them what to do with the nose.
21:43 Speaker 03 Yeah. Yeah. No, the amount of, I, I, I'm post-food mostly, I mean, I, I'm, I'm telling you, this is my, I'm not even kidding, this is my second of the day.
21:54 Speaker 02 What is that?
21:55 Speaker 03 It's Boba. Passion fruit green tea. And it's all, it's run by these teens who are trying to get me on Letterboxd.
22:05 Speaker 03 They write on the mess, they write on it, "When, Chris, Letterboxd, when?"
22:10 Speaker 02 No.
22:10 Speaker 03 Because it's what teens are using as social media as Letterboxd.
22:13 Speaker 02 No, they're not.
22:13 Speaker 03 They're just, the way that they connect is they're just tearing movies apart.
22:16 Speaker 02 Yeah.
22:17 Speaker 03 Yeah.
22:18 Speaker 02 From what I hear.
22:19 Speaker 03 Young people have been through, they went, they went through COVID.
22:21 Speaker 02 They're fine. They're gonna be fine. Everyone now acts like they're going through something. Most people are going through nothing.
22:32 Speaker 03 No, people are going, I saw a businessman walking on the 110 the other day. People, people are going through it. I saw, I saw a guy, the other night, I'm not even kidding, holding a Frappuccino with a turtleneck, like, the turtleneck was like, it was, it was grabbing the neck.
22:50 Speaker 02 That was not a businessman, Chris.
22:52 Speaker 03 No, no, this is a different guy.
22:53 Speaker 02 Okay.
22:54 Speaker 03 Turtleneck up to here, grinning, holding a Frappuccino, just walking in circles, 7pm.
23:01 Speaker 03 Vintage Frappuccino, no, people are going through it.
23:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, you're right. I was trying on that idea, I don't think I liked it when I said it.
23:08 Speaker 03 No, it's funny.
23:08 Speaker 02 Yeah, thank you.
23:11 Speaker 02 Let me ask you a question.
23:12 Speaker 03 Sure.
23:13 Speaker 02 How many times a week would you say, conserva, oh, oh, let me say this to you. When I say to you.
23:17 Speaker 03 Is this a shower, is this a cleanliness question?
23:19 Speaker 02 No.
23:20 Speaker 03 Okay.
23:21 Speaker 02 Would never ask you that.
23:21 Speaker 03 Several times a day.
23:22 Speaker 02 You're showering several times a day?
23:23 Speaker 03 Bathing.
23:24 Speaker 02 Really?
23:24 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah.
23:25 Speaker 02 Don't lie to me.
23:25 Speaker 03 I'm not, I wouldn't lie to you.
23:27 Speaker 02 You like, live in the woods, don't you?
23:28 Speaker 03 Kind of.
23:29 Speaker 02 Yeah.
23:32 Speaker 02 Every time I, I think the last like four or five times I've tried to hang out with you, there's been some issue with your house in the woods.
23:37 Speaker 03 My chandelier just blew up. Caleb, Caleb, Caleb, I'm not kidding. Caleb, I'm not kidding.
23:45 Speaker 03 Sparks, it was Franchi the Opera.
23:46 Speaker 02 Riz.
23:47 Speaker 03 I turned my thermostat off.
23:50 Speaker 03 Sparks rained down. I basically dive out of them. I, I, it was more of like a pivot.
23:57 Speaker 02 Yeah.
23:58 Speaker 03 Cause I, I was telling Chance earlier, I, I, I, what was it? Flight?
24:04 Speaker 03 Flight? Uh, when you freak out?
24:06 Speaker 02 Fight or flight?
24:07 Speaker 03 Fight or flight, freeze. I freeze.
24:08 Speaker 02 You froze.
24:09 Speaker 03 I lock up. I was telling Chance, if I ever go night swimming, hey Chris, why are you so quiet?
24:15 Speaker 03 I'm just freaking out.
24:16 Speaker 02 You're freaking out to go night swimming?
24:18 Speaker 03 Yeah. Oh yeah. Like, you know, the black water.
24:20 Speaker 02 Yeah.
24:20 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah. Anyway, chandelier blows up. Caleb, chandelier blows up. Then like a birthday cake in the middle.
24:27 Speaker 02 Yeah.
24:28 Speaker 03 Fire.
24:28 Speaker 02 Yeah.
24:29 Speaker 03 I call fire department. They come over in their, you know, hazmat suits. They're like, they're like,
24:37 Speaker 03 this, this fucking pansy.
24:38 Speaker 02 Yeah. Yeah. They're like, hey butch.
24:41 Speaker 03 They're showing me, they're like showing me everything. They're like, this is a circuit breaker.
24:45 Speaker 02 Yeah.
24:45 Speaker 03 What you were doing, like,
24:47 Speaker 02 We've never seen.
24:49 Speaker 03 We don't know how you're alive, living like this.
24:53 Speaker 02 Chris.
24:54 Speaker 03 But it was bad, yeah. And so they had to like, kind of hold my hand through everything and.
24:58 Speaker 02 It's always something with you in that house.
25:00 Speaker 03 Yeah.
25:00 Speaker 02 I'll get a text from you, hey, I'm gonna have to cancel dinner. The, um, all the pipes are gone.
25:07 Speaker 02 All the pipes are gone. I don't know where they went, man. Uh, I'm sorry, I'm not gonna make it down.
25:11 Speaker 03 I'm getting fleeced, obviously.
25:14 Speaker 03 Plumbers see me and they're like, hmm.
25:18 Speaker 02 Then when you start involving the firefighters who aren't getting paid, that's when the attitude comes.
25:21 Speaker 03 Oh, yes.
25:22 Speaker 02 Yeah, they're not getting paid by the project.
25:24 Speaker 03 They were cool, the firefighters.
25:26 Speaker 02 How so?
25:26 Speaker 03 Oh my God. They came in with like a thermal camera, like, like to show me. They're like, yeah, yeah, that's, that's, that was the fire.
25:33 Speaker 02 That thing's broken, sir.
25:34 Speaker 03 Yeah.
25:35 Speaker 02 Yeah.
25:35 Speaker 03 Yeah, cause it was an exposed wire to the, anyway, sorry, I interrupted you. You were gonna ask me a question.
25:41 Speaker 02 Well.
25:41 Speaker 03 How many times a week?
25:43 Speaker 02 When I tell you that about five times a day, just to get through my day, and my days are not hard.
25:49 Speaker 02 I have a pretty charmed life at this point. And it's insane that I have, that I struggle with anything. But about five times a day, I have to give myself a speech that's so intense.
26:02 Speaker 02 It could only be compared to like an Oscar winning monologue.
26:04 Speaker 03 A Denzel Washington.
26:05 Speaker 02 Are you having to do that? I, I, let me give you an example.
26:08 Speaker 03 Yeah.
26:09 Speaker 02 Say it's 8:30 a.m. I have one thing to do for the day.
26:14 Speaker 03 Oh, too much.
26:15 Speaker 02 By the way.
26:16 Speaker 03 I need, I'm not telling.
26:17 Speaker 02 I'm not kidding, I need zero. I need zero.
26:19 Speaker 03 Zero.
26:20 Speaker 02 And if something comes up, maybe I do it because I'm feeling generous.
26:22 Speaker 03 Yeah.
26:23 Speaker 02 I need zero.
26:23 Speaker 03 Yeah.
26:24 Speaker 02 So I have one, and it's obviously making me, you know.
26:27 Speaker 03 Freak the fuck out. S-word.
26:29 Speaker 02 Um, it's 8:30, 8:30 in the morning.
26:32 Speaker 03 Are we talking assisted, or are we talking?
26:34 Speaker 02 Assisted? Oh, I would have a doctor involved.
26:35 Speaker 03 Yeah.
26:36 Speaker 02 I could kill myself.
26:37 Speaker 03 Yeah. You'd have a quack, I could see you, I get, you're getting so big, you're gonna get a quack doctor soon, like a Dr. Blue or Dr. Red.
26:42 Speaker 02 Yeah, just start sending me pills. Just send me something. I go, send me anything.
26:46 Speaker 03 Love those guys.
26:47 Speaker 02 I just want pills.
26:48 Speaker 03 Love those guys. Oh my god.
26:49 Speaker 02 But I would say, yeah, it's 8:30, my alarm's gone off 30 minutes ago. All the, by the way, the thing I'm getting up to do is put on an outfit that looks like shit. Feels amazing. Like, I'm talking like stained sweatpants. I'm gonna walk and get a coffee, I'm gonna smoke half a joint, I'm gonna read a book I adore. I'm gonna have a delicious little bite of something. That's the thing I can't get out of bed to go and do. Right? And so, and so I'm saying, I had to say out loud to myself.
27:14 Speaker 03 Yeah.
27:15 Speaker 02 You pathetic. I had to go, I had to go, get the fuck up and stop wasting your life away, or to get on a Zoom.
27:22 Speaker 03 You're like, um, you're like the mom in Psycho, talking to yourself.
27:25 Speaker 02 Never seen it, but I'll have to take your word for it.
27:26 Speaker 03 You little bitch, and stuff like that. Your hair sucks! It's just him.
27:32 Speaker 02 Yes.
27:32 Speaker 03 Yeah.
27:33 Speaker 02 How often are you having to like motivate yourself in this way? Is it just me?
27:36 Speaker 03 I call myself buddy. I'm gentler with myself.
27:38 Speaker 02 Okay.
27:38 Speaker 03 You got this, buddy.
27:39 Speaker 02 Yeah.
27:40 Speaker 03 Okay, buddy.
27:40 Speaker 02 That's really sweet.
27:41 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah.
27:42 Speaker 02 I'm not doing that.
27:43 Speaker 03 No, I'm too gentle with myself.
27:44 Speaker 02 Okay.
27:45 Speaker 03 I'm so easy on myself.
27:46 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah. I, I, yeah, okay.
27:48 Speaker 03 You got this, buddy.
27:49 Speaker 02 Yeah.
27:50 Speaker 00 Let's be honest, you don't go to the family holiday gift exchange just to participate. You go to win. This year, get a gift that'll cause a stir. A KitchenAid Stand Mixer. It's not just an appliance, it's a present to help them with the making. Year after year, recipe after recipe, you're enabling the family to whip up new traditions. 'Tis your season to mix it up. Gift a KitchenAid Stand Mixer this year, and make more than meals.
28:18 Speaker 02 Is it working? Are you doing well?
28:20 Speaker 03 Honestly, I, so I stopped drinking, like two years ago.
28:24 Speaker 02 Really?
28:24 Speaker 03 Yeah.
28:25 Speaker 02 Alcohol?
28:25 Speaker 03 Yeah.
28:26 Speaker 02 Oh.
28:27 Speaker 03 The doctor said if I was gonna continue drinking, they were gonna have to discover a Narcan for margaritas.
28:36 Speaker 03 When I, when I was drinking, when I was drinking, I was losing all my money on GoFundMes. If I had $300, and not, and not good GoFundMes, if I had $300, I'd give $250 to a guy in Cleveland trying to put jets in his bathtub. It'd be like, "Help Darren get a jacuzzi." Boom!
28:52 Speaker 02 You're getting drunk-
28:53 Speaker 03 You got it, Darren!
28:54 Speaker 02 You're getting drunk and sending off GoFundMes?
28:56 Speaker 03 Yeah, at the end of the night.
28:57 Speaker 02 I think I might like to get you back on liquor. That's awesome!
29:00 Speaker 03 I think in my 50s, and again, liquor is very generous. It was mixed drinks with a heavy fruit on the mix.
29:06 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
29:07 Speaker 03 It was mostly-
29:08 Speaker 02 A heavy mixer.
29:08 Speaker 03 And I think it was mostly placebo buzz, what I was getting.
29:11 Speaker 02 Right, you were drinking a glass of cranberry juice with a shot of vodka.
29:14 Speaker 03 Barely a shot.
29:15 Speaker 02 Yeah.
29:16 Speaker 03 And I'm just, I mean, my reaction to sugar, I think, is, is unusual. Like, when I have one of these, I just start driving.
29:24 Speaker 02 There's sugar in that?
29:25 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah! Oh, oh, this?
29:28 Speaker 02 What is that?
29:29 Speaker 03 So it's passion fruit green tea.
29:30 Speaker 02 Yeah, but-
29:30 Speaker 03 And the boba I don't like, as you see by all the bobas.
29:33 Speaker 02 Yeah.
29:34 Speaker 03 But I like, I like the brown sugar around it. So it creates this kind of a film that kind of, you know, that-
29:42 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah! You know? And that's how I get my ideas.
29:45 Speaker 02 How many of those are you having today right now?
29:48 Speaker 03 A lot, if it's more than one, you know, they're like, "Hey, Chris, rough day?" You know?
29:52 Speaker 02 Yeah.
29:52 Speaker 03 But usually just one.
29:53 Speaker 02 You could really blow off some steam on Letterboxd, King. We'd love to see you over there. I love Letterboxd because now you can watch movies and do homework about it.
30:02 Speaker 03 Wait, what's that again?
30:03 Speaker 02 I love Letterboxd because now you can watch movies and do homework about it. Isn't that fun?
30:08 Speaker 03 Are you, are you active on that? I could see you writing some scathing shit.
30:11 Speaker 02 I will, I will tell you, I have a, um, I have a burner Letterboxd account.
30:15 Speaker 03 Oh, are you gonna send it to me or what?
30:17 Speaker 02 I, I, I have no one, I guarantee you they were all surprised to hear that. I've never told a single person.
30:21 Speaker 03 I heard Virginia go, "Huh!"
30:23 Speaker 02 I've never told a single person-
30:24 Speaker 03 I heard Chance go, "Uh!"
30:25 Speaker 02 Oh, fuck!
30:26 Speaker 03 Oh, fuck, it's happening!
30:28 Speaker 02 No one knows my handle-
30:29 Speaker 03 Oh, it's my birthday!
30:32 Speaker 03 Oh. Oh.
30:34 Speaker 02 Chris.
30:35 Speaker 03 Okay, what would you log? What's the latest you logged?
30:38 Speaker 02 I don't log.
30:40 Speaker 03 What are you talking? You just, you're just like a caiman under the water looking?
30:43 Speaker 02 I don't log. I look, I comment.
30:45 Speaker 03 You comment?
30:47 Speaker 02 I share. I share photos.
30:51 Speaker 02 I'm going live. I'm going live on Letterboxd.
30:55 Speaker 03 Yeah.
30:56 Speaker 02 For my burner.
30:56 Speaker 03 Yeah.
30:57 Speaker 02 Maybe someday I'll release it.
30:58 Speaker 03 Have you seen Baby Girl yet?
31:00 Speaker 02 No. Is it steamy or is it just like boring people?
31:04 Speaker 03 It's the funniest shit in the world.
31:05 Speaker 02 What is it? Everyone's being like, oh my god, this is so kinky. I'm like, it seems like the lightest amount of kink ever.
31:09 Speaker 03 Oh, it's not kinky. I mean, it's not hot.
31:11 Speaker 02 Yeah.
31:12 Speaker 03 It's this guy, first of all, it's the way Gen Z is treating me, getting me to open for them at the Elysian, by the way.
31:19 Speaker 03 Just this 22-year-old just like, comes out of nowhere and starts telling Kidman to sit in different parts of a, he's, it's, it's, the vast majority of the movie is this guy placing Kidman, being like, go stand over there, and she's like, mm. And he's like, stand over there. And she goes stand. I mean, it's the funniest shit in the world. It's like, sit on this. And it's like, it's like Nicole Kidman just like, sitting like this. And everyone in the audience is like, mm.
31:44 Speaker 03 And, oh, Caleb, there's one scene, there's a lot of forehead play.
31:48 Speaker 02 Forehead?
31:48 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah. So there's like one, come here. There's one scene where, where they're like, talking like this, and they're like, kinda going up and down, and then when she gets really...
31:58 Speaker 02 You guys can never know how much pressure Chris is using, by the way.
32:01 Speaker 03 When she gets pissed, he's like, over her, and she gets pissed, and she goes, zzz, and she, she like, rubs up, I was on my feet. And there's a five-minute clip of this kid dancing to Father Figure by George Michael. They don't even cut it. It's just five minutes, and he's, he's just in this hotel room doing this.
32:18 Speaker 02 Is he naked?
32:19 Speaker 03 He's topless.
32:20 Speaker 02 How to work?
32:20 Speaker 03 And she, and you just pan to her watching, and I'm just, I'm doing this with them in the crowd. I don't clap for her movies. I was on my, "You gotta see this shit." It is funny.
32:31 Speaker 02 Women are wiping down their chairs at the end of the scene after this.
32:34 Speaker 03 I think, I think people think it's funny too.
32:38 Speaker 02 So you don't think they're actually getting turned on?
32:40 Speaker 03 Maybe some people are.
32:41 Speaker 02 I think so many people are sexless kind of virgins. That I think a lot of people think this is like the height of kink.
32:48 Speaker 03 Is that what you're hearing?
32:50 Speaker 02 I'm hearing that it's, I mean, I'm, I'm see, I'm getting reaction videos of people being like, like, like stumbling and trembling out of the theater, like they've just seen the hottest thing they've ever seen. And I'm like, "Have you guys had sex? I'm curious, like what's going on?"
33:03 Speaker 03 Right, right.
33:05 Speaker 02 Someone being like, "Get on your knees," is like, that's like, that's like step one.
33:09 Speaker 03 It's, right, it goes way beyond that. It's, it's, it's like, "Get on your knees," and he goes, "Actually, no, I want you to Blair Witch in the corner." And then she's just her for, I think, 10 minutes in the corner, and it's not sexual. I mean, it is, the whole thing is so, again, I'm, remember how Twitter used to show us how everyone felt about things? Like, we could kind of curate how people are feeling. I'm, I'm not like looking at that anymore, so no, I think I might just be losing my mind and completely misunderstanding movies.
33:38 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah. We gotta get on Letterboxd, Chris.
33:41 Speaker 03 I know, I gotta get on the box.
33:43 Speaker 02 They need you on there.
33:44 Speaker 03 I, I tried to sign up, and then...
33:47 Speaker 02 I think it's, I'm sorry to say, I think it's pretty simple. Yeah, I love you to death, but can I help you, or?
33:53 Speaker 03 Yeah, if you could give me a moment of your time and help me out getting on Letterboxd.
33:57 Speaker 02 What, what was the stumbling block for you on getting signed up?
34:01 Speaker 03 I think I got locked out because it was like a confirmation email that I fucked up.
34:07 Speaker 03 I'm aging, I'm basically sundowning at this point.
34:11 Speaker 02 I don't want you to drink that Coke. I don't want you to drink that, now that I've already...
34:15 Speaker 03 You'll see the light come back in my eyes.
34:16 Speaker 02 Someone was in the concoction down there, now I'm scared.
34:18 Speaker 03 Have you seen Nosferatu?
34:19 Speaker 02 No, I haven't, I've been bad with the movies. I know, I've been doing bad, I've been doing bad. I need to pick it up.
34:25 Speaker 03 He's got a thick mustache, that's all I'm telling you.
34:26 Speaker 02 Who?
34:27 Speaker 03 The guy.
34:32 Speaker 02 Aren't there multiple of them?
34:34 Speaker 03 You'll see.
34:34 Speaker 02 Okay.
34:37 Speaker 03 It's like a shitty Party City thick mustache.
34:40 Speaker 02 Did you like it?
34:41 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah.
34:42 Speaker 02 The movie?
34:42 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah. Caleb, if I see it, I like it.
34:47 Speaker 02 Yeah.
34:49 Speaker 03 That's the Chris promise.
34:55 Speaker 02 That's the Butch seal of approval.
34:56 Speaker 03 Yeah, that's me.
34:57 Speaker 02 If I saw it, I loved it.
34:59 Speaker 03 Why don't you get a Butch?
35:00 Speaker 02 Swallow that.
35:02 Speaker 03 People get, people get so mad when I, I gotta keep talking through it. People go, enough, you gotta swallow that down. I store it in my cheeks sometimes.
35:11 Speaker 02 Put it away. Swallow it.
35:13 Speaker 03 Um, I should get a Butch tramp stamp.
35:16 Speaker 02 Of the name Butch on your, on your, above your ass?
35:18 Speaker 03 Yes.
35:19 Speaker 02 I would love that.
35:20 Speaker 03 Yeah.
35:20 Speaker 02 I would absolutely love that. I'm realizing one of the mistakes of the new studio, specifically where you're a guest, is there's too much space for you to play. The old studio was small. You've been on the table, you've been on the back of the couch, you've been on me.
35:33 Speaker 03 I see, uh, HeadGum, HeadGum engineers are, they're, they're rigging a chain system to chain, like, to, to chain me to this kind of console right here.
35:42 Speaker 02 Casey's working on that, yeah.
35:43 Speaker 03 So, like.
35:44 Speaker 02 Yeah, we're gonna make, we're gonna make it Chris-proof in here.
35:47 Speaker 03 Yeah.
35:47 Speaker 02 We're gonna hold you in place.
35:49 Speaker 03 Yeah, you're not getting this, but who, who's, who's your last guest?
35:54 Speaker 02 In here, Steph Tollef.
35:55 Speaker 03 Oh, she's a mover.
35:56 Speaker 02 She's a mover, but she was pretty tame on the episode.
35:58 Speaker 03 She's, she's blowing up, too.
36:00 Speaker 02 Steph Tollef?
36:00 Speaker 03 Yeah. Olivia, that's what I'm talking about. Olivia's got tortoises.
36:04 Speaker 02 Yeah.
36:05 Speaker 03 You know?
36:05 Speaker 02 Did you get Christmas cookies from Olivia?
36:09 Speaker 03 Don't tell me you got Christmas cookies. Did you?
36:11 Speaker 02 No, I was just asking if you did.
36:13 Speaker 03 Sounds like, that sounds like someone.
36:14 Speaker 02 Did you?
36:15 Speaker 03 Sounds like someone who got Christmas cookies from her.
36:17 Speaker 02 You didn't get any?
36:17 Speaker 03 No, I didn't get shit.
36:18 Speaker 02 Me neither. I wish I did.
36:20 Speaker 03 Do we have a polygraph in here?
36:21 Speaker 02 Why'd it come up? Why'd you bring that up?
36:25 Speaker 03 She sent you.
36:26 Speaker 02 What's going on?
36:27 Speaker 03 This is why managers don't want.
36:29 Speaker 02 What's going on?
36:29 Speaker 03 Clients knowing their shared client list.
36:33 Speaker 02 My clients are unionizing.
36:34 Speaker 03 Because.
36:35 Speaker 02 My subs, my, my subs are unionizing.
36:39 Speaker 02 She gave me some Christmas cookies. I think it's because I was in New York. You don't live in New York. You refuse.
36:43 Speaker 03 She's crafty. She's good. I don't mean crafty in a tricky way. I mean, she's like, she makes really beautiful. She made little gnomes of me once.
36:50 Speaker 02 Really?
36:50 Speaker 03 Yeah.
36:51 Speaker 02 How'd you feel about that?
36:51 Speaker 03 Incredible.
36:52 Speaker 02 Yeah.
36:53 Speaker 03 Yeah.
36:53 Speaker 02 Her cookies were quite good.
36:54 Speaker 03 I wanna make, I have one in my house and it makes me look like a bit of a narcissist, you know? To have a gnome version of my.
37:01 Speaker 02 Are you a narcissist?
37:02 Speaker 03 I don't think so.
37:03 Speaker 02 I don't think you are.
37:04 Speaker 03 I think, are you? I don't think you are.
37:08 Speaker 02 I don't think I'm a narcissist. I do like myself a lot.
37:10 Speaker 03 Have you taken the blood test?
37:11 Speaker 02 Is that what that is?
37:14 Speaker 02 The, there's a blood test? Yeah, let's get in there. We can sit in the lab.
37:17 Speaker 03 It shows up in blood panels.
37:18 Speaker 02 Take my hair. Take my hair and see what the follicles tell you. No, I don't think I'm a narcissist.
37:23 Speaker 03 Yeah.
37:23 Speaker 02 But I guess if someone made a really good argument, I would hear it.
37:27 Speaker 03 Have you taken, you said the quizzes?
37:29 Speaker 02 The quiz, there's a quiz for it?
37:30 Speaker 03 Yeah, but it's like AOL.com and then to get the diagnosis, you gotta pay like $7.99.
37:34 Speaker 02 No, I hate when they do that, by the way.
37:36 Speaker 03 It's really, really shitty.
37:37 Speaker 02 No, I haven't taken that. Have you?
37:38 Speaker 03 Yeah.
37:39 Speaker 02 You got no?
37:40 Speaker 03 I got like a, I got a narcissistic, it was, no, it was like, um, you got something going on, but I don't.
37:47 Speaker 02 Is narcissist where you think you're the best?
37:49 Speaker 03 No, I think it's actually, it's rooted in a deep insecurity.
37:53 Speaker 02 Right, okay.
37:54 Speaker 03 But it's still like, you're, I mean, I'm not the person.
37:59 Speaker 02 No, come on, do the DSM. Do the, do the, do the description for me.
38:04 Speaker 03 What, what are we on? Five now? DSM five?
38:06 Speaker 02 DSM, yeah, I think it's 12.
38:08 Speaker 03 Yeah.
38:09 Speaker 02 We're on the DSM 12. Oh, here we go.
38:10 Speaker 03 Yeah.
38:11 Speaker 02 Have, okay, behaviors of a narcissist, have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others. Oh, that's not me. I might, yeah, that's not me. Be envious of others and believe others envy them.
38:20 Speaker 03 My big problem is I have a police scanner on, in the sense that I'm always trying to feel what you're feeling. I'm always trying to, I'm always like, it takes me a while to get into my, my shit.
38:29 Speaker 02 I think that's empathy.
38:30 Speaker 03 Yeah, but I think it's like a.
38:31 Speaker 02 Behave in an arrogant way, brag a lot and come across as conceited.
38:35 Speaker 03 For instance, the best car or office.
38:37 Speaker 02 Insist on having the best of everything.
38:41 Speaker 02 That I understand.
38:43 Speaker 02 That I under- that's not fair. That can't be a bad thing. Oh, I want a nice car or office. Actually, my car sucks. And I don't have an office.
38:51 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's a sign of-
38:51 Speaker 02 I'm not a narcissist. I'm a loser. My life fucking sucks, man. My car's a piece of shit. I got no office.
38:58 Speaker 03 Yeah. If you're showing your- if you're showing your face in anything other than a 2001 Acura-
39:03 Speaker 02 Yeah.
39:03 Speaker 03 You're a narcissist.
39:04 Speaker 02 You're a narcissist.
39:05 Speaker 03 You're a filthy narcissist.
39:06 Speaker 02 You fucking freak. I'm a man of the people.
39:09 Speaker 03 Yeah, I- I feel- I feel the people.
39:11 Speaker 02 My car sucks. My house is cheap. My clothes are stained.
39:16 Speaker 03 You keep talking about your fits. Your fits are great.
39:17 Speaker 02 They're stained. This one's not. It's brand new. It'll be stained by the end of the day.
39:21 Speaker 03 That's fine.
39:22 Speaker 02 Yeah. Brian made this. Brian Robert Jones.
39:24 Speaker 03 You ever- yeah, have you ever dissed someone publicly?
39:27 Speaker 02 dissed someone publicly?
39:28 Speaker 03 In a way that they then diss back?
39:31 Speaker 02 Oh, uh, Randy Rainbow.
39:34 Speaker 03 Oh, my god.
39:35 Speaker 02 You remember that? Randy Rainbow blocked me on everything. That's stupid.
39:39 Speaker 03 Talk about-
39:40 Speaker 02 And we'll ru- and we'll run that one.
39:41 Speaker 03 Talk about Nosferatu.
39:43 Speaker 02 Randy Rainbow.
39:44 Speaker 03 Coming back. I mean, that's what-
39:45 Speaker 02 Good god.
39:46 Speaker 03 You know he's voting for Trump.
39:47 Speaker 02 Randy Rainbow, i- if they- if they put gay people in work camps and said that Randy Rainbow was the reason, I would go gladly.
39:56 Speaker 02 I would sign myself up.
39:59 Speaker 02 I can't- that guy.
40:02 Speaker 03 Man. And that's what I'm dreading with the next four years, is his- his return to the throne.
40:07 Speaker 02 Yeah, Randy Rainbow's gonna be in the fucking recording booth.
40:09 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah.
40:09 Speaker 02 God.
40:10 Speaker 03 Hard as a rock.
40:11 Speaker 02 He blocked like all Twitter gays for a day because we were being mean to him for doing something horrible. He made some horrible like- some like- some like Obama's daddy and we're missing him while he's on vacation or something. You know, his stupid little shit.
40:22 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah.
40:23 Speaker 02 And we all were like, this sucks. You're a hack. And then he blocked all of us.
40:26 Speaker 03 But he puts it to like hairspray or something?
40:28 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good morning, Obama. Yeah.
40:32 Speaker 03 Yeah.
40:32 Speaker 02 He does pop punk.
40:33 Speaker 03 And Baby Boomers are just dripping wet. Yeah.
40:36 Speaker 02 Randy Rainbow pop punk album.
40:38 Speaker 03 Yeah.
40:39 Speaker 02 You know, sometimes your enemies- I would- I would tune in.
40:41 Speaker 03 Him moshing in his crowd of 75-year-olds? I'm glad to hear you say this, Caleb.
40:46 Speaker 02 What's your audience?
40:49 Speaker 03 A lot of women who look like me.
40:53 Speaker 02 How old are they?
40:55 Speaker 03 Hmm, younger than me.
40:56 Speaker 02 Yeah.
40:56 Speaker 03 Yeah, and um, yeah, they, you know how people have people lock up their audiences lock up their phone?
41:04 Speaker 02 Hmm.
41:05 Speaker 03 They would never.
41:06 Speaker 02 Your audience would never put the phone away?
41:08 Speaker 03 Yeah, if there was a neopet emergency, what are they gonna do, you know?
41:13 Speaker 02 They need to be logged on, be that little guy?
41:15 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm. Yeah, they got a dependent.
41:19 Speaker 03 What's yours like? I mean, I think, I think I just heard you describe yours as um, something, something barista.
41:26 Speaker 02 Yeah, mentally ill, non-binary baristas. They're in the mix, yeah.
41:30 Speaker 03 Right.
41:30 Speaker 02 A lot of LPNs, a lot of LPNs licensed.
41:34 Speaker 03 Is that a coding term?
41:35 Speaker 02 No, a lot of like, a lot of like nurse practitioners, love me.
41:39 Speaker 03 That's great.
41:39 Speaker 02 A lot of people messaging me from the, the, the burn unit, being like, had a hard day today, thank you for putting out the podcast.
41:46 Speaker 03 Nurse practitioners, every time I've met with, I never have access to the doctor. They see me, they're like, you're not getting near the doc, you're getting a nurse practitioner. It's always a woman who's got like an ankle piece.
41:56 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah. What's she telling you?
41:59 Speaker 03 They're open carrying. Oh, I literally, I had one and I, their guns are always, there's, there's always a suggestion of a gun with a nurse practitioner.
42:08 Speaker 02 Nurse practitioners?
42:08 Speaker 03 They're libertarians.
42:09 Speaker 02 Where are you going?
42:10 Speaker 03 I've, I've never, I don't think I've ever, I go in, I'm like, I'm here to see a doctor, they're like, oh yeah, yeah, well, we got a nurse practitioner for you.
42:20 Speaker 02 Yeah.
42:20 Speaker 03 And she's like, got two huskies.
42:24 Speaker 03 She got, wearing tactical pants with like a.
42:29 Speaker 02 I want to go to the doctor's office with you so bad right now.
42:32 Speaker 03 I had a, so I have a cashew allergy.
42:34 Speaker 02 Yeah.
42:34 Speaker 03 And whenever I eat it, my.
42:35 Speaker 02 I'm so sorry, Chris.
42:36 Speaker 03 Thanks.
42:36 Speaker 02 I didn't know that.
42:37 Speaker 03 Whenever I eat it, they puff, these puff up. It starts here, starts on the tip. So I wake up in the night scratching like a raccoon.
42:44 Speaker 02 Sorry, just so unclear.
42:46 Speaker 03 Yeah.
42:47 Speaker 02 What's the nut?
42:48 Speaker 03 The tip.
42:48 Speaker 02 No, the, the.
42:49 Speaker 03 Oh, cashews.
42:50 Speaker 02 So if you eat cashews, the tip of your penis.
42:52 Speaker 03 Begins there.
42:53 Speaker 02 Starts to itch.
42:53 Speaker 03 Yes. And then I go, uh-oh.
42:55 Speaker 02 Hopeie Colay made a song about this.
42:56 Speaker 03 It's around, what?
42:59 Speaker 03 Who made this song?
42:59 Speaker 02 Colby Colay made a song about this.
43:02 Speaker 03 And it starts in your tears and it goes to your ass.
43:06 Speaker 02 She's talented.
43:07 Speaker 03 She's great.
43:08 Speaker 02 But anyway, so your dick starts to itch.
43:10 Speaker 03 Yeah.
43:11 Speaker 02 And then your fingers.
43:12 Speaker 03 Colby Colay's daughter, again, is it probably?
43:14 Speaker 02 Probably next to me on the plane.
43:15 Speaker 03 It's probably Gracie Abrams.
43:17 Speaker 02 Taking 200 selfie. Gracie Abrams has a famous parent.
43:20 Speaker 03 I know.
43:21 Speaker 02 Colby Colay.
43:23 Speaker 02 Colby Colay Abrams.
43:25 Speaker 03 Um, yeah, anyway, my fingers then puff up and, uh, anyway, nurse practitioner walked in and she, she looked at my, my fingers and went, whoa! From the, from how puffy they were, from the, from the cashew.
43:35 Speaker 02 Yeah.
43:36 Speaker 03 And she was like, we gotta get those rings off. You look like a gator.
43:39 Speaker 02 And did you get the rings off?
43:40 Speaker 03 Yeah.
43:41 Speaker 02 And then do you have to show them your penis as well, or do you just tell them that there's stuff going on there as well?
43:45 Speaker 03 No, they, they go, we're good.
43:49 Speaker 03 We don't even wanna, we don't even wanna know what that is.
43:52 Speaker 02 Yeah.
43:53 Speaker 03 We don't wanna know what you got.
43:55 Speaker 02 Hey, don't tell us about it.
43:56 Speaker 03 Yeah.
43:57 Speaker 02 Huh.
43:58 Speaker 03 They go, you can sketch it, but we're not gonna look at it.
44:00 Speaker 02 Did you sketch your privates for them?
44:02 Speaker 03 Yeah.
44:02 Speaker 02 Casey really liked that. Casey loved the idea of you sketching your privates. He, he really was an amateur at that.
44:07 Speaker 03 They give me an easel?
44:08 Speaker 02 Yeah. You, you, you're in their painting all day long. They give you a doctor's office with natural light.
44:13 Speaker 03 I keep, it's just crumpled paper all over the. That's not right.
44:15 Speaker 02 You ever been to, uh, what are those guys? The dick doctors?
44:18 Speaker 03 A urologist?
44:19 Speaker 02 You ever been to one of those guys?
44:20 Speaker 03 No. Have you?
44:21 Speaker 02 Yeah.
44:21 Speaker 03 Yeah.
44:22 Speaker 02 I thought I had testicular cancer for a week.
44:23 Speaker 03 Yeah.
44:24 Speaker 02 It was a week of reflection for me.
44:26 Speaker 03 What was making you think you had it?
44:28 Speaker 02 My balls hurt really bad.
44:29 Speaker 03 Yeah.
44:29 Speaker 02 And then one had a notch on it, like a nodule, like I had like a bump, a lump on one of my testicles, like all the stuff you'd expect.
44:36 Speaker 03 And you had a notch on your balls? You sound like a Viking king.
44:38 Speaker 02 I had like a nodule, like a.
44:40 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah.
44:41 Speaker 02 A bump on it.
44:42 Speaker 03 Terrifying.
44:42 Speaker 02 And I was in a lot of pain.
44:43 Speaker 03 Yeah.
44:44 Speaker 02 And I was working at, um, Big Mouth at the time and had to call my boss and go, "Hey, uh, I'm gonna be out for the next couple of days. Uh, I think I have testicular cancer." And she was so sweet and cool about it, but I was like, if I die of testicular cancer, they're writing something about this.
44:59 Speaker 03 Of course.
45:00 Speaker 02 They're gonna do something about it.
45:01 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah, tho- those brutalists?
45:03 Speaker 02 Those, those freaks. They're gonna do something crazy with this.
45:06 Speaker 03 I feel like you spent a day out of the office and you're already, and you show up the next day and there's a whole new character of you.
45:11 Speaker 02 Yeah, just like cure cancer David. Yeah, I didn't though.
45:15 Speaker 03 I didn't know you wrote for Big Mouth.
45:16 Speaker 02 He had to feel all around me.
45:17 Speaker 03 Yeah.
45:17 Speaker 02 HR, the spinoff. He had to feel all around my nuts, act the urologist.
45:21 Speaker 03 Yeah.
45:21 Speaker 02 And he was annoyed with me.
45:23 Speaker 03 Yeah, cause he, cause you're like a hypochondriac.
45:25 Speaker 02 He thought I was a hypochondriac and then he felt the nodua and he's like, this is, this is just a pill.
45:30 Speaker 03 This is just orange juice.
45:31 Speaker 02 He basically, he was like, he was like, yeah, it's like, he was like, this is a normal thing. It's just a pill you need to take. I was like, why are you rolling your eyes at me? How would I know that? He was like mad at me. I'm like, you're a urologist.
45:41 Speaker 03 That's the terrifying thing about these people is like, you, you're like, oh, I'm sure this is a sign of my death. And then you go in there like, oh, this is fine, but that nostril is really big.
45:49 Speaker 02 Yeah.
45:49 Speaker 03 And that is a sign of this.
45:51 Speaker 02 You're ugly. Yeah. The sign that you're ugly. Yeah, bad news.
45:55 Speaker 03 They're growing.
45:55 Speaker 02 You're ugo bitch.
45:56 Speaker 03 Your nostrils are augmenting.
45:57 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
45:58 Speaker 03 And you're gonna get ugo.
45:59 Speaker 02 You have, have you had any plastic surgery?
46:01 Speaker 03 Tons.
46:02 Speaker 02 Yeah.
46:02 Speaker 03 No. I'm too squeamish. I would never.
46:05 Speaker 02 You've got any fillers or anything?
46:06 Speaker 03 They say it's too late. Whenever, whenever I go in, they go, it's way too late.
46:10 Speaker 02 To do what?
46:11 Speaker 03 Any work.
46:11 Speaker 02 Anything?
46:12 Speaker 03 Yeah. And then I get escorted out. They go, this is, this is beyond, if you came in 20 years ago, maybe.
46:18 Speaker 02 Yeah.
46:19 Speaker 03 Maybe we could have saved the nose. Have you?
46:22 Speaker 02 Aren't you like 34?
46:23 Speaker 03 37.
46:23 Speaker 02 Okay. So if you went in when you were 17, they could have fixed you up.
46:26 Speaker 03 You found 34?
46:28 Speaker 02 Yeah.
46:28 Speaker 03 I like that.
46:29 Speaker 02 Not bad. Knocked three years off that total.
46:31 Speaker 03 Well, that's what we should do because of, like, we're all three years younger than we are.
46:35 Speaker 02 Because of COVID?
46:36 Speaker 03 I think everyone, COVID made everyone 33.
46:38 Speaker 02 I had a, oh, got you.
46:40 Speaker 03 Yeah.
46:41 Speaker 02 I had a good time during COVID.
46:42 Speaker 03 Yeah?
46:43 Speaker 02 Hate the thing. I hate, wish it hadn't happened. I made it work for me.
46:48 Speaker 03 That's great. See, yeah, you're a survivor.
46:50 Speaker 02 I drove Uber Eats. It was cool.
46:52 Speaker 03 Really?
46:53 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah, during COVID.
46:54 Speaker 03 Oh, my God.
46:54 Speaker 02 Guess what? People don't tip.
46:56 Speaker 03 No.
46:57 Speaker 02 Rich people especially.
46:58 Speaker 03 I, I keep hearing this.
46:59 Speaker 02 Rich people don't tip.
46:59 Speaker 03 That's how they stay rich.
47:00 Speaker 02 Poor people tip.
47:01 Speaker 03 Yeah.
47:02 Speaker 02 Sometimes.
47:02 Speaker 03 Yeah.
47:03 Speaker 02 Sometimes the poor people are just as bad as the rich people.
47:05 Speaker 03 Do you tip?
47:05 Speaker 02 That almost makes you more mad.
47:08 Speaker 02 Like, God, when the rich people are mean to me. You think maybe they just forgot to be nice. You're, you're poor.
47:14 Speaker 03 Yeah.
47:14 Speaker 02 Why are you being mean to me?
47:15 Speaker 03 Yeah.
47:16 Speaker 02 When I delivered food to a poor person's house, I go, you're asking me, another poor person, to bring food over here to your shit hovel that you call a home.
47:23 Speaker 03 Shit hovel?
47:25 Speaker 02 You're not gonna tip me?
47:26 Speaker 03 What's a hovel?
47:27 Speaker 02 I go back to my hovel.
47:28 Speaker 03 What's a hovel?
47:30 Speaker 02 Like, just a shitty, shitty little dwelling.
47:32 Speaker 03 Man.
47:32 Speaker 02 I'm going back to my shit hovel. I need tips to pay rent at my shit hovel.
47:38 Speaker 03 Is shit hovel one word, hyphenated?
47:39 Speaker 02 Two, yeah, hyphenated, yeah, two hyphenated.
47:42 Speaker 03 Shit hovel. That's beautiful.
47:44 Speaker 02 Thank you, I'm a, yeah.
47:45 Speaker 03 You're a poet.
47:46 Speaker 02 I'm a poet, I've said that a couple times on the show.
47:48 Speaker 03 You are?
47:48 Speaker 02 I think so.
47:50 Speaker 03 Do you write, or do you just free associate?
47:52 Speaker 02 Hmm, I write. Do you write?
47:56 Speaker 03 I just started, truly.
47:57 Speaker 02 Really?
47:58 Speaker 03 I mean, I've always written, but in the last year, I've been like, okay, let me write this word for word.
48:02 Speaker 02 The jokes.
48:03 Speaker 03 Try, try to, and then I misremember it.
48:04 Speaker 02 I don't think I've ever written a joke word for word.
48:06 Speaker 03 I know, and I, I didn't for a long time, and now I started, and then I fuck it up. You ever do, what I do to remember stuff is I, and to see if it's funny, I put it in text of speech, and I have a lady read it to me.
48:15 Speaker 02 Really?
48:15 Speaker 03 Yeah, and I'm like, ha ha.
48:17 Speaker 02 I love that.
48:18 Speaker 03 It's, I go, oh, that's good.
48:20 Speaker 02 I, I love, I've never thought of that.
48:22 Speaker 03 It, it, it's like, it's like someone doing stand-up for you.
48:24 Speaker 02 I mostly improvise my jokes for the first time on stage, and then see if they're anything.
48:28 Speaker 03 Yeah.
48:28 Speaker 02 And if they're not, well then, we just spent two minutes wasting everyone's time.
48:33 Speaker 02 Usually they are, thank God.
48:34 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
48:35 Speaker 02 My energy right now is so crazy. Are you clocking that?
48:38 Speaker 03 No.
48:38 Speaker 02 I feel insane.
48:40 Speaker 03 Well.
48:41 Speaker 02 I, I feel, I feel so, I feel like my body's shutting down as we're talking.
48:46 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
48:47 Speaker 02 Do you clock that at all?
48:48 Speaker 03 Hmm, no.
48:49 Speaker 02 I flew here today.
48:50 Speaker 03 That's gonna fuck you up.
48:51 Speaker 02 I've been up since 2 a.m. LA time.
48:53 Speaker 03 Yeah, no, this is, this is ambitious, what you're doing.
48:55 Speaker 02 In the course of our conversation, it's been lovely, by the way. In the course of our conversation, I have noticed that now my body, I feel like I'm in a, you know how they have sensory deprivation tanks?
49:05 Speaker 03 Of course.
49:06 Speaker 02 I feel like I'm in the opposite. I'm feeling everything a lot.
49:10 Speaker 03 You're in the sensory everything.
49:11 Speaker 02 I'm in the sensory, um, upper tank. Oh, sensory, not overload, because that makes it sound like I'm having a bad time.
49:17 Speaker 03 Or it's just a ska band playing.
49:19 Speaker 02 I can just feel everything.
49:20 Speaker 03 Everyone's rubbing you down.
49:21 Speaker 02 Yeah, everyone's rubbing me down at a ska band. You get it. Yeah, you nailed that.
49:24 Speaker 03 You're like one of those crows that sits on the ants' hill, and the ants are all crawling all over it.
49:30 Speaker 02 I'm exactly like that. But you're not, you're not clocking that my energy is nuts. You're not feeling it.
49:34 Speaker 03 This feels like the sun.
49:36 Speaker 02 Yeah. Not in a nice way, though.
49:38 Speaker 03 No. I hate this.
49:44 Speaker 03 But other than that, uh...
49:46 Speaker 02 You're not talking anything weird with me?
49:47 Speaker 03 No.
49:48 Speaker 02 Okay.
49:48 Speaker 03 No. I feel, I feel calmer than, than I usually do.
49:53 Speaker 02 Well, that's the thing, is I think usually when we get together, it's pretty, I feel like we get, we rile each other up. But I'm feeling very, I'm feeling very, um, meditative by your presence today.
50:02 Speaker 03 I appreciate that.
50:03 Speaker 02 I love you. Well, I always love your presence. But today, it's putting me in a zone of...
50:06 Speaker 03 Yeah.
50:07 Speaker 02 I'm just kind of enjoying the show.
50:09 Speaker 03 Well, I consider myself a hypnotist, you know?
50:11 Speaker 02 You a little bit are.
50:12 Speaker 03 Yeah, you know?
50:13 Speaker 02 You a little bit are. Your movements.
50:14 Speaker 03 Yes, it's hypnotizing. It's like a cobra.
50:16 Speaker 02 Yeah, your movements on stage.
50:17 Speaker 03 It's like the great cobra.
50:18 Speaker 02 One leg's in a different place of the stage than the rest of your body at all times. You're moving in such a way.
50:24 Speaker 03 Have you ever seen me jump onto the stool?
50:25 Speaker 02 I've seen you do everything, Chris.
50:27 Speaker 03 I'm like a goat.
50:28 Speaker 02 I'm a huge fan. I've seen you move in ways that I've never seen other people move. I've seen you spin on things that weren't even supposed to be noticeable on the stage. I've seen you touch stuff that was not meant to be touched.
50:37 Speaker 03 I liked using the mic cord recently, because it's been, it's like a, it's an added challenge, and I like, I keep feeling like I'm gonna fall over that. I used to use a wireless.
50:43 Speaker 02 Yeah.
50:44 Speaker 03 And now that, when I use the wired, it's like, I, I love the idea that I could go down at any moment. I think that's... And I know it's gonna happen when I've lost them, and I are, and I can't get them back.
50:53 Speaker 02 Yeah.
50:54 Speaker 03 Then you fall, and you're fucked.
50:55 Speaker 02 Yeah.
50:56 Speaker 03 You know?
50:56 Speaker 02 Hmm.
50:57 Speaker 03 You lose all your powers.
50:58 Speaker 02 I haven't even gotten that chance to ask you yet. What do you think, what, Chris?
51:03 Speaker 02 What do you make of all this, uh, Luigi Mangione business?
51:09 Speaker 02 What do you make of that? What are we doing with that?
51:11 Speaker 03 Ah, God.
51:12 Speaker 02 Is he did, is it okay that he did it? Do you like it the way he looks?
51:16 Speaker 03 I feel like the people that like him are the same people that like hide likes on Instagram, you know?
51:21 Speaker 02 I hide my likes on Instagram.
51:22 Speaker 03 You do?
51:23 Speaker 02 Uh huh, every post.
51:25 Speaker 03 I feel like it's like, it's not gonna save you.
51:27 Speaker 02 What do you mean?
51:29 Speaker 03 It's like doing, it's like doing heroin with a life jacket on. Like that, if it makes you feel good, like you're, it's like, it's like a boundary that's not, eh, okay Luigi, what I think about him, I feel bad because it's like-
51:40 Speaker 02 No, pause on Luigi.
51:42 Speaker 03 Okay.
51:42 Speaker 02 Go back to all the likes.
51:44 Speaker 03 It's like-
51:44 Speaker 02 I wanna learn something from you in this moment.
51:45 Speaker 03 Okay, okay, it's like, you think, it's like, like if I do, if I do this, then I'm not being, I'm not gonna let this take over me.
51:53 Speaker 02 Hmm.
51:53 Speaker 03 But it's-
51:55 Speaker 02 Well, I'll tell you, it actually has made a difference for me.
51:57 Speaker 03 Really?
51:57 Speaker 02 Truthfully.
51:58 Speaker 03 Yeah?
51:58 Speaker 02 Yeah, cuz I used to obsess.
52:00 Speaker 03 Over the likes?
52:01 Speaker 02 Oh, my God.
52:02 Speaker 03 Would you hide them? Do you see the number yourself?
52:03 Speaker 02 You can, but you have to click in and try, and I don't.
52:06 Speaker 03 So it's just ignorant?
52:07 Speaker 02 It used to drive, it used to make me insane, when I would post things, when I, like, I've hidden my likes now for, since the feature came out.
52:13 Speaker 03 Well, you also, that is, that is the only toxic element that I know about you, that you, you're like, uh, you're archiving, you, you, you're a content archive.
52:20 Speaker 02 I've, I archive all the time, you don't like that about me?
52:22 Speaker 03 No, no, I, I, I go, damn, he's messy.
52:25 Speaker 02 You think that's messy?
52:26 Speaker 03 In a good way.
52:26 Speaker 02 How so? Tell me about that. I'm interested in that.
52:29 Speaker 03 It strikes me as like, uh, it's a very NYU thing to do, you know?
52:35 Speaker 02 Undergrad or grad school?
52:37 Speaker 03 Doesn't matter.
52:38 Speaker 02 Okay, oh, same universe?
52:39 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah.
52:40 Speaker 02 You don't think it makes me better than you?
52:45 Speaker 03 I love when someone gets rid of everything. I think that's like-
52:48 Speaker 02 I'm pretty much there.
52:49 Speaker 03 Really?
52:49 Speaker 02 Yeah. You know what I won't do, though?
52:51 Speaker 03 Yeah.
52:52 Speaker 02 Unfollow everybody.
52:54 Speaker 02 That I do, people do that a lot.
52:55 Speaker 03 Yeah.
52:56 Speaker 02 A lot of comedians get, they break the 200K followers and they go, I'm unfollowing everybody.
53:01 Speaker 03 And what if everyone did that?
53:02 Speaker 02 I think that's sick.
53:03 Speaker 03 It'd be chaos.
53:04 Speaker 02 I don't like that.
53:05 Speaker 03 If everyone does that.
53:06 Speaker 02 Then you're just jerking off in front of everybody.
53:09 Speaker 02 You're just masturbating in public at that point.
53:11 Speaker 03 Yeah, you're like, you're a Kony 2012 guy.
53:13 Speaker 02 I don't like that. Oh god, I was big on Kony 2012.
53:15 Speaker 03 I just rewatched it.
53:16 Speaker 02 They got me.
53:17 Speaker 03 I rewatched it. And I go, I would fall for this again.
53:19 Speaker 02 I did a street team.
53:20 Speaker 03 I emptied, I think I drained my family savings on that.
53:24 Speaker 02 I did a street team in a big way. I hung posters in Chillicothe, Missouri, yeah.
53:27 Speaker 03 Were you in the tunnels? Remember the video that they wanted everyone to be in the tunnels, holding the Kony?
53:31 Speaker 02 The tunnels?
53:32 Speaker 03 Yeah.
53:32 Speaker 02 You might have been deeper than me.
53:35 Speaker 03 It all happened so fast too, right? I think it was like the day it went really viral. I think the next, like two days later, he was on Oprah.
53:41 Speaker 02 Yeah. Not Kony, they couldn't find him.
53:44 Speaker 03 I, no, did you, I rewatched his Oprah interview too.
53:47 Speaker 02 Really?
53:48 Speaker 03 Oh, it's a mess.
53:49 Speaker 02 Why so?
53:50 Speaker 03 Oh, it's, it's over for him. I mean, Oprah is just, I mean, you gotta rewatch it. It's like, right when you think he's been degrade, he's debased himself enough, because he was obviously nude on the streets and whatever.
54:02 Speaker 02 Yeah.
54:02 Speaker 03 And there's a long pause and you're like, she's not gonna keep digging. And she goes, "And I heard you were masturbating too?"
54:11 Speaker 03 Right when you think, right when you think.
54:12 Speaker 02 What did he say to that?
54:14 Speaker 03 He goes, "It wasn't me. Whatever that was, that wasn't me." He's just, he's just saying it was like he was hijacked.
54:20 Speaker 02 Dang.
54:20 Speaker 03 Yeah.
54:22 Speaker 02 So the likes on Instagram, you think hiding them is what, cowardice?
54:26 Speaker 03 No, I think it's thinking, it's boundaries.
54:29 Speaker 02 You think it's a false boundary?
54:30 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
54:31 Speaker 02 And then the archiving of the posts, what do you think of that?
54:34 Speaker 03 I think it's messy.
54:34 Speaker 02 You think that's messy?
54:35 Speaker 03 I do it too.
54:36 Speaker 02 But why, what's messy about it? What, what makes you feel that it's messy? I'm open to this.
54:41 Speaker 03 It's impulsive.
54:41 Speaker 02 Maybe I'll stop hiding the likes.
54:42 Speaker 03 It's naughty.
54:43 Speaker 02 It's naughty.
54:44 Speaker 03 It's, it's.
54:45 Speaker 02 I like getting rid of it because they feel so boring to me, to go back and look at my, I don't like the idea of someone scrolling through.
54:50 Speaker 03 Oh, it's shameful.
54:51 Speaker 02 And going to 2015 and being like, this is what he thought was interesting that week. I don't like that. It might be with me now, be with the guy that I am right now.
54:57 Speaker 03 I know what you mean.
54:58 Speaker 02 Yeah.
54:59 Speaker 03 Do you?
54:59 Speaker 02 You find it messy.
55:00 Speaker 03 Do you feel like, I always feel like, oh, I'm never gonna be able to do something as good as the thing I just did. Or like, you're past and then you do something, you're like, oh god, that thing sucked.
55:07 Speaker 02 Everything I do.
55:08 Speaker 03 You, you keep feeling like, ah, thank god, I, thank god I did this new thing, because it's better than that thing.
55:12 Speaker 02 Absolutely.
55:13 Speaker 03 Yes.
55:13 Speaker 02 I, you know, I won't stop telling my friends in LA that LA is over, because I moved three months ago.
55:20 Speaker 02 I'm really, I'm a sick individual. I'm really, I can't believe I ever lived.
55:24 Speaker 03 No, I think, I do think that you have, uh, vision.
55:27 Speaker 02 Ooh.
55:28 Speaker 03 I do.
55:29 Speaker 02 We've come a long way from the likes. Come a long way from the likes, you're back on Caleb.
55:34 Speaker 03 I mean, we contain multitudes.
55:36 Speaker 02 Well, we're large. We contain multitudes.
55:37 Speaker 03 Yeah.
55:38 Speaker 02 Yeah.
55:38 Speaker 03 No, but I, I, I think if you're saying that, I, I see what you're saying.
55:42 Speaker 02 When I say LA is over?
55:44 Speaker 03 I mean, Silver Lake feels like Dallas now.
55:46 Speaker 02 So I, I, you know what changed me forever?
55:48 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
55:48 Speaker 02 I heard someone refer to working in the entertainment industry and living in Echo Park Silver Lake as living on, on campus housing.
55:55 Speaker 03 Exactly.
55:55 Speaker 02 Changed my life.
55:56 Speaker 03 I mean, Los Feliz is just a bunch of sundowning Emerson grads, you know?
56:04 Speaker 02 It's a beautiful neighborhood, Chris.
56:05 Speaker 03 It is.
56:06 Speaker 02 It's a vibrant neighborhood.
56:07 Speaker 03 Yeah, but it's, you know.
56:09 Speaker 02 Sundowning Emerson grads.
56:10 Speaker 03 Yeah.
56:11 Speaker 02 But Luigi, yes or no? Do you like what he did?
56:14 Speaker 03 I think, I, I'm, I'm looking at the heat, like, the love that he's getting, and I just know that every day it's an exponential decay. I know that, I'm like, this guy, the love that this guy's getting is, is cutting, is, in, in three months, it's gonna feel like 2012.
56:29 Speaker 02 You think?
56:30 Speaker 03 Yeah.
56:30 Speaker 02 I wonder.
56:31 Speaker 03 I just worry about him for that.
56:32 Speaker 02 Yeah.
56:33 Speaker 03 I'm like, I hope he can handle that.
56:35 Speaker 02 Yeah.
56:36 Speaker 03 What do you think?
56:37 Speaker 02 I'll be there for him.
56:38 Speaker 03 Yeah?
56:38 Speaker 02 I'm not leaving him.
56:39 Speaker 03 You still feel that, the fire burning?
56:41 Speaker 02 Yeah, I mean, I need him really bad. Um, I think he's, yeah, I think he's gorgeous. I think what he did was, um, I, I don't wanna say if it was good or bad. I think it was, um... You know, I think it's, um, hmm, no. I think it would be, I think it would be inappropriate and ill-advised to say that it was amazing and awesome and more people should do it. I would never say that.
57:04 Speaker 03 Totally.
57:07 Speaker 02 You know, but he did what he did and, um...
57:09 Speaker 03 Yeah. Yeah, and he looks great.
57:12 Speaker 02 He looks great, he's beautiful and um.
57:14 Speaker 03 Yeah.
57:15 Speaker 02 I kinda like him.
57:18 Speaker 02 Yeah, I think he's got a special mind and, and back problems.
57:22 Speaker 03 Yeah.
57:24 Speaker 02 But um, yeah.
57:26 Speaker 03 What do you think about how they got him in McDonald's? Do you think that?
57:28 Speaker 02 Well, he's being framed.
57:29 Speaker 03 Yeah.
57:29 Speaker 02 He's being framed. I frankly don't even know if he did it.
57:31 Speaker 03 Yeah.
57:32 Speaker 02 They caught him in Altoona.
57:33 Speaker 03 Altoona?
57:34 Speaker 02 They caught him in Altoona, Pennsylvania.
57:35 Speaker 03 Oh god.
57:36 Speaker 02 With a manifesto on him.
57:37 Speaker 03 Right.
57:38 Speaker 02 That's not my guy.
57:39 Speaker 03 Yeah.
57:40 Speaker 02 That's not my Luigi I know.
57:41 Speaker 03 Yeah, and like a 3D printer?
57:43 Speaker 02 Yeah, why did they? I just don't, I think the cops, and then everyone goes, oh, the cops are saying, the cops are saying. Who fucking asked them? All those guys do is lie. All they do is lie and wear matching outfits with their gay little friends.
57:55 Speaker 03 Yeah.
57:56 Speaker 02 It's insane. Being a cop, amazing. You ever see him just standing around shooting the shit?
57:59 Speaker 03 Oh.
58:00 Speaker 02 You just know they're fleecing the city for overtime right now.
58:03 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah.
58:03 Speaker 02 Oh, that's a good gig.
58:04 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah, with the deepest bonds with each other.
58:07 Speaker 02 Yeah.
58:07 Speaker 03 Yeah.
58:08 Speaker 02 They're in like a gang together, literally.
58:09 Speaker 03 I haven't, I used to get pulled over all the time, too.
58:11 Speaker 02 What's for, what for?
58:12 Speaker 03 Well, I treat any street around me like it's my driveway. Like, if you're in a mile radius of my house, it's my driveway.
58:19 Speaker 02 Yeah.
58:19 Speaker 03 So I don't obey by the stop signs.
58:22 Speaker 02 Yeah, okay.
58:22 Speaker 03 You know?
58:23 Speaker 02 That's really dangerous.
58:24 Speaker 03 And I've explained it to the, to the cops. And, and, and I'm all, I would, I'd be on the phone often, too.
58:30 Speaker 02 Yeah, FaceTime?
58:32 Speaker 03 I'm, I'm truly dri, I'm like, holding the, like, the cop sees the phone. He goes, Chris, you said you were gonna get one of these. Like, I go, I know, I know, I haven't. He's like, what, were you calling 911? No, I was talking to my mom.
58:45 Speaker 02 You're on first name basis with cops?
58:47 Speaker 03 I don't know their names, but.
58:48 Speaker 02 They know you?
58:49 Speaker 03 They know me.
58:50 Speaker 02 They know you.
58:51 Speaker 03 Chris.
58:51 Speaker 02 And are you FaceTiming?
58:52 Speaker 03 No. I don't, I don't love FaceTiming.
58:56 Speaker 02 You don't FaceTime?
58:56 Speaker 03 No.
58:57 Speaker 02 Really?
58:57 Speaker 03 No.
58:58 Speaker 02 I couldn't get you to?
58:59 Speaker 03 You could.
59:00 Speaker 02 But you don't like?
59:01 Speaker 03 Young people get me to do it. Under 30, yeah, but over 30, it's like, guys, it's like.
59:07 Speaker 02 Over 30, I wanna see you.
59:08 Speaker 03 It's, it just feels like it's, yeah, it doesn't feel right.
59:12 Speaker 02 Yeah, to FaceTime an over 30 person? I'd like to FaceTime you sometime.
59:17 Speaker 03 Please!
59:17 Speaker 02 Maybe I'll, maybe I'll do that.
59:19 Speaker 03 Please!
59:21 Speaker 02 Nothing's ever been the same since I mentioned my energy. And then with the likes on Instagram thing. Been downhill since then.
59:29 Speaker 03 No, no, no, we're, we're about to hit a. Yeah, we're about to ollie.
59:33 Speaker 02 About to hit a big note. Well, do you have a so true for this episode? What's so true to you right now?
59:38 Speaker 03 Oh, fuck, what do you mean? Oh, I had to prepare something?
59:41 Speaker 02 Chris.
59:42 Speaker 03 That's the point of this?
59:44 Speaker 02 Chris, we can't put this out. What's so true to you? What's something that you, what's something you're thinking about a lot lately? What's a hill you die on these days?
59:50 Speaker 03 Okay.
59:51 Speaker 02 I, this is all you do.
59:53 Speaker 03 Yeah.
59:53 Speaker 02 You got a million of these things.
59:54 Speaker 03 Yeah.
59:55 Speaker 02 You're always.
59:55 Speaker 03 What's one of your latest ones?
59:57 Speaker 02 My latest ones? What's so true to me? Uh, well, people have to learn how to walk.
1:00:02 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:00:02 Speaker 02 My god. My god, it's one fucking foot in front of the other.
1:00:06 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:00:06 Speaker 02 Step, step, step, step, step, it keeps going like that. Until you get to where you're going, move. Fucking move, I can't believe it. I can't believe the way people don't know how to walk.
1:00:16 Speaker 03 Yeah, I want, I want to give this to Sebastian Maniscalco, what you're talking about.
1:00:19 Speaker 02 Let's see what he does with it.
1:00:20 Speaker 03 You know what I like about him?
1:00:21 Speaker 02 Sebastian Maniscalco?
1:00:22 Speaker 03 He thinks he's doing observational comedy.
1:00:24 Speaker 02 And?
1:00:25 Speaker 03 I just think he's, yeah, he's an insane man.
1:00:28 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:00:28 Speaker 03 And he's having, he's, he's, he's projecting this insanity onto, anybody's treating it like it's.
1:00:34 Speaker 02 I've never seen a joke of his.
1:00:35 Speaker 03 You got to, it, it's, it's like the lie of relatability, it's like, people think they're relating to it, but it's like, no, this is just the ravings of a lunatic, like.
1:00:42 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:00:42 Speaker 03 And if you watch his movie, which I did, and you imagine the father as a, as a, as a hallucination, it's high art. The De Niro character doesn't.
1:00:51 Speaker 02 We gotta get you on Letterboxd. I'm with the boba teens, get on there.
1:00:56 Speaker 03 I got to.
1:00:56 Speaker 02 You gotta get on there.
1:00:57 Speaker 03 I gotta get on there.
1:00:58 Speaker 02 The two things you've recommended to me during this interview.
1:01:01 Speaker 03 Baby girl.
1:01:02 Speaker 02 And, oh, sorry, three things.
1:01:03 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
1:01:03 Speaker 02 And we'll use interview loosely. During this conversation.
1:01:07 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:01:08 Speaker 02 Uh, you've recommended to me Baby Girl.
1:01:10 Speaker 03 Yep.
1:01:10 Speaker 02 You've recommended to me Oprah's interview with Coney 2012.
1:01:13 Speaker 03 Yep.
1:01:13 Speaker 02 And you've recommended to me the Sebastian Maniscalco movie about his dad.
1:01:16 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
1:01:16 Speaker 02 Which you're asking me to reimagine.
1:01:18 Speaker 03 Yes, just watch it and imagine that the father is a hallucination.
1:01:21 Speaker 02 Okay.
1:01:22 Speaker 03 And it's brilliant.
1:01:23 Speaker 02 Okay, I'm on it, I'm gonna do that.
1:01:25 Speaker 03 Yep.
1:01:25 Speaker 02 I'm gonna do that for you.
1:01:26 Speaker 03 Yep, my, okay, something so true to me, um. I, I have, I mean, I think we've probably spoken about this, I have a problem with businesses that was started in 2021.
1:01:38 Speaker 02 Say more.
1:01:39 Speaker 03 You know, it's like a lot of like, things with names that kind of, you know, say them, you go, ah, like Alison by me, or something. Names, you go, ah, and it's just all those egg chairs, in a, you know. And there's like, one elder millennial in there. And it's a bunch of, it's a bunch of restaurants owned by brothers now.
1:02:00 Speaker 02 Like what? Like what?
1:02:02 Speaker 03 Just with these disgusting egg dishes.
1:02:07 Speaker 02 I'm trying so hard to place what you might be talking about.
1:02:10 Speaker 03 Okay, okay. You know when you're in any city, you know how like, every city you go to now, or every little town, thinks it's on the up, because they have like, a speakeasy now?
1:02:19 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
1:02:20 Speaker 03 And there's always these brothers, that are kinda...
1:02:27 Speaker 03 Like, in like, a manic episode.
1:02:29 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:02:30 Speaker 03 You know, it's like, dude, I fucking rule at breakfast burritos.
1:02:33 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:02:33 Speaker 03 You rule at business. Let's fucking go!
1:02:37 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:02:37 Speaker 03 And then they open a, because you know, brothers are either working each other in a lather, or non-speaking terms at all.
1:02:42 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:02:44 Speaker 03 What is going on?
1:02:45 Speaker 02 What's going on with brothers?
1:02:46 Speaker 03 It is the, it is one of the most anciently fraught relationships.
1:02:50 Speaker 02 Brothers, I mean, yeah. Mine's not great.
1:02:53 Speaker 03 Every other relationship has, has entered the new millennia.
1:02:57 Speaker 02 Brothers are in the past.
1:02:58 Speaker 03 They're in, they're in Sparta.
1:03:00 Speaker 02 Yeah. I just started reading a book called The Dawn of Everything.
1:03:03 Speaker 03 Yeah?
1:03:03 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:03:04 Speaker 03 What is it?
1:03:05 Speaker 02 About everything.
1:03:06 Speaker 03 Tell me about, tell me about what?
1:03:07 Speaker 02 History of the world, how we understand. Well, it's, it's starting off, I'm not very far in.
1:03:14 Speaker 03 Okay.
1:03:14 Speaker 02 But it's starting off, um, like looking at like, inequality. And when we started talking about inequality, and why we started asking questions about it.
1:03:22 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
1:03:22 Speaker 02 And then, like, uh, the Rosso, kind of like, question of, are people innately good, or are innately evil? And is that even a worthwhile question to ask?
1:03:31 Speaker 03 Or are we just depressingly neutral?
1:03:33 Speaker 02 Yeah. And, and, and like, early civilizations, like, was there ever truly an egalitarian civilization?
1:03:38 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:03:38 Speaker 02 You know, a lot of times people say agriculture's the worst thing we ever did.
1:03:41 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:03:41 Speaker 02 Because it took us from being like, tribe-based and egalitarian, to being hierarchical.
1:03:45 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
1:03:45 Speaker 02 But, yeah, it's like, it's...
1:03:47 Speaker 03 Because one guy got really good at the creamery.
1:03:49 Speaker 02 He did. And then he was like, I run the town now.
1:03:51 Speaker 03 Yeah. Riding two cows like Zorro.
1:03:53 Speaker 02 Yeah. And then, and then, and then he was like, and by the way, my son's the mayor. And everyone was like, he has, we have to let him, yeah. He runs the thing.
1:04:00 Speaker 03 He's non-verbal.
1:04:01 Speaker 02 Yeah. His non-verbal son is the mayor. Non-verbal mayor would be amazing.
1:04:04 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah.
1:04:06 Speaker 02 That'd be a sick.
1:04:06 Speaker 03 He could talk, he's choosing not to.
1:04:08 Speaker 02 Yeah, he's taking a vow of silence as the mayor.
1:04:10 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
1:04:10 Speaker 02 Beautiful.
1:04:11 Speaker 03 Agriculture.
1:04:12 Speaker 02 Yeah. You ever done agriculture?
1:04:14 Speaker 03 No, no, no.
1:04:17 Speaker 02 They wouldn't let you.
1:04:18 Speaker 03 I, I do get along with, with horses incredibly well.
1:04:21 Speaker 02 I have no trouble believing that.
1:04:24 Speaker 03 A horse just freaking out? I, I, I tell everyone, back up.
1:04:28 Speaker 02 What's that movie about that guy that does that?
1:04:29 Speaker 03 The Horse Whisperer?
1:04:30 Speaker 02 No.
1:04:30 Speaker 03 Okay.
1:04:31 Speaker 02 But I'm sure that as well.
1:04:32 Speaker 03 Oh, oh, oh, the, oh my god.
1:04:33 Speaker 02 He goes, he's like, he's like.
1:04:36 Speaker 02 He's like, wears a vest with no shirt underneath, he has a big knife.
1:04:38 Speaker 03 Oh, I'm thinking, you're talking about Crocodile Dundee?
1:04:40 Speaker 02 Crocodile Dundee.
1:04:44 Speaker 03 There was, there was a movie.
1:04:45 Speaker 02 You know, Crocodile Dundee.
1:04:47 Speaker 03 Crocodile Dundee was the first movie where I go, okay, okay. Now, okay. I was like, did this come from my head?
1:04:58 Speaker 02 What do you mean? You're related to him a lot?
1:05:00 Speaker 03 Yes, I think it was the first piece of media I related to.
1:05:03 Speaker 02 Really?
1:05:03 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:05:04 Speaker 02 Cause of, that's what I'm saying.
1:05:05 Speaker 03 Aspirationally.
1:05:06 Speaker 02 Yeah, you're so good with horses. You're like. You're looking and he starts to listen.
1:05:10 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:05:10 Speaker 02 That's really nice.
1:05:11 Speaker 03 I do that, remember the thing we did earlier? I do that with horses.
1:05:14 Speaker 02 Yeah, you put your head on them and push really hard.
1:05:16 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:05:17 Speaker 02 A lot of pressure.
1:05:17 Speaker 03 I was giving you about three torques.
1:05:19 Speaker 02 You were giving a lot.
1:05:22 Speaker 03 I have an app.
1:05:23 Speaker 02 You're giving a lot of pressure.
1:05:24 Speaker 03 It beeps when I give too many torques.
1:05:25 Speaker 02 Yeah, chairs, chairs behind the couch.
1:05:27 Speaker 03 Yeah, alright, alright Chris. Mostly in audio format, alright Chris.
1:05:33 Speaker 02 Alright Chris, less movements.
1:05:34 Speaker 03 Do you ever do agriculture?
1:05:36 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
1:05:37 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:05:38 Speaker 02 I judged soils in high school.
1:05:39 Speaker 03 You what?
1:05:40 Speaker 02 I judged soils.
1:05:43 Speaker 02 I judged soils.
1:05:46 Speaker 02 In high school, I was judging soils.
1:05:50 Speaker 03 I'm, I'm like.
1:05:50 Speaker 02 I judged soils.
1:05:53 Speaker 02 Let me know if you have any questions.
1:05:54 Speaker 03 When you say, when you say judge soils.
1:05:56 Speaker 02 Yep.
1:05:57 Speaker 03 What, you mean, um?
1:05:58 Speaker 02 So, they're gonna bring several soils.
1:06:03 Speaker 02 To the competition and they're gonna ask, they're gonna ask us, the competitors, "Go through the soils, take a look at them."
1:06:11 Speaker 03 This is a degradation thing?
1:06:12 Speaker 02 Crumble them in your hand. We crumble them in your hand, I'll tell you, I got, okay, I was on the soils team.
1:06:18 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:06:18 Speaker 02 Okay? We would go to, we would go to fields.
1:06:22 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
1:06:23 Speaker 02 And there'd be just, you name it, five, six, seven kinds of different soils. We'd go through, we'd rub them, we'd sniff them, we'd look at them.
1:06:30 Speaker 03 I'm in a dream state right now.
1:06:33 Speaker 02 We'd judge them and we'd say, "Oh, that one's good for corn, that one's this kind of soil, this is probably from this region."
1:06:38 Speaker 03 Throw some turnips in here.
1:06:39 Speaker 02 We'd do that, yeah. And I got kicked off the soils team.
1:06:42 Speaker 03 Okay.
1:06:42 Speaker 02 Cause at one of our meets, I got tired and I went to sleep on one of the soils.
1:06:48 Speaker 02 I'm dead serious. And my, and my coach.
1:06:53 Speaker 02 My coach pulled me aside, he was like, "You don't take this seriously."
1:06:57 Speaker 03 This sounds like an episode of Rare Bear.
1:07:03 Speaker 02 I got kicked off the soils team for sleeping on the soils.
1:07:06 Speaker 03 So, what time of day was this?
1:07:08 Speaker 02 Oh, boy, it must've been seven or eight AM.
1:07:11 Speaker 03 How hard was it?
1:07:11 Speaker 02 They took us out there so early. I was 15. I was gonna sleep on the soil.
1:07:17 Speaker 03 See, okay, what's, what's, the picturing of this, I was imagining tiny little, little planting things of soil. So you're in massive plots.
1:07:25 Speaker 02 We're in big.
1:07:26 Speaker 03 You're in.
1:07:27 Speaker 02 Big, they're putting big things of soil out. Yeah.
1:07:30 Speaker 03 And when you say "they."
1:07:32 Speaker 02 The government.
1:07:33 Speaker 03 Okay.
1:07:35 Speaker 02 No, FAA, farmers, different guys in the community.
1:07:41 Speaker 02 They're coming together to make it happen. Well, they suckered me in.
1:07:43 Speaker 03 As Caleb's been telling the story, his, his focus has gone from my eyes to slowly just, he's making eye contact with my temples at this point.
1:07:51 Speaker 02 Dude, I feel so increasingly ill while we're in, not ill, I feel insane. I feel so insane and I don't know if I, I like, if every comment on this episode was, "Chris was amazing, what was going on with Caleb."
1:08:04 Speaker 03 No.
1:08:04 Speaker 02 I want everyone to know, it'll be justified and it's because I had a flight today that is making me feel nuts.
1:08:10 Speaker 03 Yeah, but it, I'm not feeling it.
1:08:12 Speaker 02 That's fantastic. I did, I got kicked off the soils team. For not, for a lack of commitment and they suckered me into joining the FFA.
1:08:18 Speaker 03 Lack of commitment, yeah.
1:08:19 Speaker 02 Lack of commitment.
1:08:20 Speaker 03 Cause you're a jack of all trades.
1:08:21 Speaker 02 Story of my life.
1:08:21 Speaker 03 I had the same problem with an acapella group in college.
1:08:23 Speaker 02 Do you have commitment issues?
1:08:24 Speaker 03 No.
1:08:25 Speaker 02 No, you good with it?
1:08:26 Speaker 03 I only, I don't like very many things, but the things that I like, oh.
1:08:29 Speaker 02 You're going for it.
1:08:30 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
1:08:30 Speaker 02 I like that.
1:08:31 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
1:08:31 Speaker 02 I like that about you.
1:08:32 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not non-committal, but it also means I don't do very many things.
1:08:36 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:08:37 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:08:38 Speaker 02 I have commitment issues.
1:08:39 Speaker 03 Yeah?
1:08:39 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:08:40 Speaker 03 That's fine.
1:08:40 Speaker 02 I get excited about a thing and then I lose interest.
1:08:43 Speaker 03 Yeah, but that makes life kind of.
1:08:45 Speaker 02 Just like the soils.
1:08:46 Speaker 03 I was gonna say it's fun, but you did say this morning you have to give yourself a pep pep talk where you call yourself a wretched boy?
1:08:53 Speaker 02 No, not a wretched boy.
1:08:53 Speaker 03 You, you, why don't you go fall asleep on the soil, Caleb?
1:08:56 Speaker 02 It's more like, it's more like, God, you're being so lazy, get up, you know, I have to like be forceful with myself. Sometimes, to get, especially to get myself on a Zoom, oh boy, I want to cancel every Zoom.
1:09:04 Speaker 03 I mean, no meeting has ever been worth it.
1:09:06 Speaker 02 I can't stand a Zoom.
1:09:07 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah.
1:09:08 Speaker 02 The true, false segment, Chris, we couldn't be more excited to have you be a part of this one.
1:09:16 Speaker 02 Chance wrote some.
1:09:17 Speaker 03 I didn't buy, I didn't buy that.
1:09:18 Speaker 02 Chance wrote some good stuff in here.
1:09:20 Speaker 03 Yep.
1:09:20 Speaker 02 And don't try to look at the.
1:09:21 Speaker 03 I like you with the clipboard.
1:09:22 Speaker 02 Don't like, I knew you would.
1:09:23 Speaker 03 You look like an indoor soccer coach.
1:09:25 Speaker 02 Yeah. Why indoor? Why not outdoor?
1:09:29 Speaker 03 Yeah, you know, I don't know, I don't know why, uh, I say that, I, I, it's just an, I'm impulsive. I just, I think it could be the Plexigla, it could be the, the blue tint, it's just.
1:09:39 Speaker 02 Could be anything.
1:09:40 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:09:41 Speaker 02 I think Chance got me a blue one because I said the other one looked gay.
1:09:46 Speaker 02 And I didn't, I didn't, it was like purple.
1:09:48 Speaker 03 Yeah, blue for boys.
1:09:49 Speaker 02 Blue for boys.
1:09:49 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:09:50 Speaker 02 I didn't mention it privately, I said it once as a joke on an episode and then this just showed up.
1:09:54 Speaker 03 Wow.
1:09:56 Speaker 02 That's a scary guy.
1:09:56 Speaker 03 I can't wait for the expose.
1:09:58 Speaker 02 That's a scary guy.
1:09:58 Speaker 03 That Chance writes, the ni, the nightmare behind so true.
1:10:02 Speaker 02 Yeah, the hit podcast so true.
1:10:04 Speaker 03 Bustle's gonna run it.
1:10:05 Speaker 02 And everything I lost.
1:10:06 Speaker 03 It's a picture, you know, have you seen the picture of you that they're gonna use for when the shit, you know, when they, everyone's got a picture of them just like.
1:10:13 Speaker 02 Oh no, I don't know. I don't know if I have mine yet.
1:10:16 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:10:19 Speaker 03 That's pretty good.
1:10:21 Speaker 02 Use that still.
1:10:23 Speaker 03 I'll, I'll do one for myself.
1:10:24 Speaker 02 Yeah. That's good. That's really scary. We're gonna wash that out and put some red behind it.
1:10:29 Speaker 03 Can you put oven mitts on me?
1:10:30 Speaker 02 Yeah. What for? Is it?
1:10:33 Speaker 03 Like I'm kinda like, like it's me, it's like me and poking out of an old Italian house window.
1:10:38 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:10:39 Speaker 03 Oven mitts, like I'm Struggonona.
1:10:41 Speaker 02 Is this a, is this a cooking based crime that you did?
1:10:44 Speaker 03 Well, no, there's the police showing up to my, uh, um, uh, shit hovel.
1:10:51 Speaker 02 There we go. Thank you. Oh, I thought it was gonna be a really hard one and you went gentle with it. Okay, you ready?
1:10:57 Speaker 03 I thought that was a really hard one.
1:10:58 Speaker 02 True or false segment?
1:10:59 Speaker 03 Okay.
1:10:59 Speaker 02 Don't try to distract me.
1:11:01 Speaker 03 Well.
1:11:01 Speaker 02 Fifteen.
1:11:02 Speaker 03 You were in Birkenstocks?
1:11:03 Speaker 02 Fifteen statements. Don't, don't, Chris. Fifteen statements.
1:11:07 Speaker 03 What are you, a soil judger?
1:11:08 Speaker 02 Stop it. You're getting off task and this is big.
1:11:11 Speaker 03 I just have a problem with authority. I don't like, see, look how I become when the clipboard comes out.
1:11:15 Speaker 02 Chance worked hard on these.
1:11:16 Speaker 03 I start doing free associative things.
1:11:17 Speaker 02 You were fine when it was a girl's clipboard.
1:11:21 Speaker 02 Now all of a sudden I have a man's clipboard.
1:11:28 Speaker 02 Fifteen statements, Chris. You have to tell me if you think they're true or false.
1:11:31 Speaker 03 Okay.
1:11:32 Speaker 02 Pigs can sweat.
1:11:34 Speaker 03 Uh, false.
1:11:35 Speaker 02 That is false. Conan O'Brien wears a size twelve and a half shoe.
1:11:40 Speaker 03 True.
1:11:40 Speaker 02 That is true. Lowell, Massachusetts is home to the Massachusetts Firefighting Academy.
1:11:45 Speaker 03 True.
1:11:46 Speaker 02 Oh, too late, too late. Count it.
1:11:48 Speaker 03 You know what they did in middle school? They took us there and we had to like.
1:11:51 Speaker 02 Took you where?
1:11:52 Speaker 03 To the far, it was, uh, it's, it's by Lake Boone.
1:11:55 Speaker 02 Stowe.
1:11:57 Speaker 03 It's in Stowe?
1:11:58 Speaker 02 It's in Stowe.
1:11:58 Speaker 03 Oh, so they didn't take us there. That's where I'm from.
1:12:00 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:12:01 Speaker 03 Oh, Chance.
1:12:02 Speaker 02 Oh, Chance got you on that one. You're playing the fool right now. You're looking sillier than ever in this moment.
1:12:09 Speaker 02 Count that as a miss.
1:12:12 Speaker 02 Slugs have four noses.
1:12:14 Speaker 03 Stop. They have zero. They're like Voldemort.
1:12:18 Speaker 02 They have four. It's true.
1:12:19 Speaker 03 Where?
1:12:20 Speaker 02 All over, apparently. No piece of paper can be folded more than seven times.
1:12:24 Speaker 03 Oh, you're, you keep saying these things to me that, like, it's, it's how I felt when you were talking about the soil judging where I'm like, it's like taking me to this, uh, this, this elevated place that I don't know how to, of cour-, you can fold a paper as much as you want.
1:12:42 Speaker 02 You had to give a true or a false answer.
1:12:45 Speaker 03 False.
1:12:45 Speaker 02 True. The city of Los Angeles has about three times more automobiles than people.
1:12:50 Speaker 03 True.
1:12:51 Speaker 02 It's true. Now I get to choose automobiles.
1:12:53 Speaker 03 Wait, so everyone is three?
1:12:54 Speaker 02 This kind of cracks me up. Well, it's because, it's probably because of Glendale.
1:12:58 Speaker 03 How many autobuses?
1:12:59 Speaker 02 Autobuses?
1:12:59 Speaker 03 How many autobuses?
1:13:00 Speaker 02 Autobuses? Kevin Garnett is 6'2".
1:13:04 Speaker 03 I don't know.
1:13:05 Speaker 02 Well, pick.
1:13:08 Speaker 03 No, I'm not gonna debase myself.
1:13:10 Speaker 02 You have to. You have to.
1:13:12 Speaker 03 No.
1:13:13 Speaker 02 Chris, you have to.
1:13:14 Speaker 03 You're not gonna get it out of me.
1:13:15 Speaker 02 We have to. It's important.
1:13:17 Speaker 03 He's bigger than that.
1:13:20 Speaker 03 He's 6'4". Do you have the same problem with nurses where they're little and so to measure you, they have to jump up? And so, I could be anywhere from 5'11" to 6'7".
1:13:32 Speaker 03 I have these 1'4" Robbie praws in aprons, jumping.
1:13:40 Speaker 02 False, Kevin Garnett's 6'11".
1:13:43 Speaker 03 He's 6'11"?
1:13:44 Speaker 02 He's 6'11".
1:13:45 Speaker 03 Jesus Christ.
1:13:46 Speaker 02 May as well just be 7 feet at that point.
1:13:48 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:13:48 Speaker 02 There are three Home Alone movies.
1:13:49 Speaker 03 You gotta hand it to him for the integrity, go by 6'11".
1:13:53 Speaker 02 I don't think he has a choice.
1:13:55 Speaker 03 No.
1:13:56 Speaker 02 I think they measure him.
1:13:56 Speaker 03 Oh, you think it's that?
1:13:57 Speaker 02 I think they measure him. There are three Home Alone movies.
1:14:02 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:14:03 Speaker 02 False.
1:14:04 Speaker 03 Two?
1:14:04 Speaker 02 There are six.
1:14:06 Speaker 03 Oh, right, Pete Holmes did one.
1:14:09 Speaker 03 Well, did I dream, was that one of my dreams?
1:14:11 Speaker 02 I don't know, Chance would know. The first bike was called a hobby horse.
1:14:16 Speaker 03 Yeah, true.
1:14:17 Speaker 02 That's true. The scientific name for a sneeze is a swell rim.
1:14:22 Speaker 03 A swell rim? Uh, no.
1:14:27 Speaker 02 False, it's called a stern mutation.
1:14:28 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
1:14:29 Speaker 02 Bears cannot swim.
1:14:31 Speaker 03 That's false. I feel like I've seen a bear in a pool. You know, those videos of those guys keeping bears?
1:14:41 Speaker 02 What?
1:14:42 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, there's like a guy that has a family bear, but now that I'm thinking about it, it is an above grounder, so it can't be that deep. Bears can swim.
1:14:51 Speaker 02 Is that my answer?
1:14:51 Speaker 03 Yes.
1:14:53 Speaker 02 False, bears cannot swim.
1:14:54 Speaker 03 Humiliating. So all Leo had to do was go into a little bit of a pond to get away from that guy?
1:15:00 Speaker 02 Bears can, so you're throwing off the cadence of the answers because you're refusing to answer them.
1:15:04 Speaker 03 Ah.
1:15:04 Speaker 02 So you're going anecdotal instead?
1:15:05 Speaker 03 Hmm.
1:15:06 Speaker 02 Bears can swim.
1:15:06 Speaker 03 You're hitting the silent alarm, the headgum silent alarm?
1:15:08 Speaker 02 It's false. Jake and Amir are sharpening their katana's. Jake and Amir get too much play on this show. I need to mention them less. We're bringing them up a lot.
1:15:15 Speaker 03 Yeah, we should come up with a different CEO.
1:15:17 Speaker 02 We allowed them to make a statement on the last episode. I feel like I'm making them too powerful in the So True verse.
1:15:22 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:15:22 Speaker 02 They're gonna overtake me.
1:15:23 Speaker 03 You should, you should say you're run by this, this like old woman in Santa Cruz, that she's the actual headgum overlord.
1:15:30 Speaker 02 Her name's Anya.
1:15:30 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:15:33 Speaker 02 Uh, Bears can swim. Natalie Portman graduated from Yale.
1:15:36 Speaker 03 No, Harvard.
1:15:37 Speaker 02 False Harvard. The Caspian Sea is actually a lake.
1:15:39 Speaker 03 Sure.
1:15:39 Speaker 02 True. The first food eaten in space by a US astronaut was, astronaut was string cheese.
1:15:44 Speaker 03 Disgusting. Yes.
1:15:46 Speaker 02 False. Applesauce.
1:15:47 Speaker 03 Okay.
1:15:48 Speaker 02 Weirder.
1:15:49 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:15:49 Speaker 02 Bamboo can grow three feet in one day.
1:15:52 Speaker 03 No, that's false.
1:15:53 Speaker 02 That's true. And you have to be careful putting bamboo in your yard. It'll fuck your property up.
1:15:56 Speaker 03 Oh, totally.
1:15:57 Speaker 02 It'll take over your whole thing.
1:15:58 Speaker 03 I mean, that's what Jack and the Beanstalk is based on.
1:16:00 Speaker 02 No, bamboo is really dangerous. Don't put it in your yard thinking it's cute.
1:16:03 Speaker 03 No, no, it's fee fi fo fum shit.
1:16:05 Speaker 02 It'll ruin your pipes. It'll destroy your yard.
1:16:08 Speaker 03 Yeah, pandas, they still eating it?
1:16:10 Speaker 02 Pandas are doing that?
1:16:11 Speaker 03 They're eating it. I don't know. They're, yeah.
1:16:13 Speaker 02 They're eating it.
1:16:13 Speaker 03 We went from like 200 pandas to like 17,000 pandas or something.
1:16:17 Speaker 02 What?
1:16:18 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:16:19 Speaker 02 What do you mean? There were 200 left and then we got them all the way up?
1:16:22 Speaker 03 I almost just threw up.
1:16:25 Speaker 02 Is there a gas leak? Is there a gas leak in the building?
1:16:32 Speaker 02 I genuinely, because I'm feeling, I'm feeling sleepier and more insane by the minute. You are saying things that don't make sense to me. The panda fact made no sense to me. I need you to be gonna throw up. I'm scared.
1:16:44 Speaker 03 Caleb, I haven't said anything about pandas.
1:16:47 Speaker 02 Don't, don't gaslight me when I'm vulnerable.
1:16:50 Speaker 03 Are we gonna start the episode?
1:16:52 Speaker 02 Okay, we just got here.
1:16:54 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's so good to see you.
1:16:57 Speaker 02 Who's that freak that does all those scary shows? Lynch.
1:17:02 Speaker 03 Lynch.
1:17:03 Speaker 02 Lynch. David Lynch.
1:17:05 Speaker 03 Who's that freak?
1:17:06 Speaker 02 That freak show.
1:17:07 Speaker 03 Lynch.
1:17:08 Speaker 02 Him and John Waters, making just bizarre stuff.
1:17:10 Speaker 03 Oh, you ever see Pink Flamingos?
1:17:12 Speaker 02 What?
1:17:12 Speaker 03 John Waters. It's shot on like a Android plus. It's so good.
1:17:18 Speaker 02 Do you want to know something really dark?
1:17:19 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:17:20 Speaker 02 I looked into, I started looking into flip phones.
1:17:22 Speaker 03 I, I hear that.
1:17:23 Speaker 02 You ever seen the light phone?
1:17:25 Speaker 03 No.
1:17:26 Speaker 02 Looks kinda cool.
1:17:26 Speaker 03 What is it?
1:17:27 Speaker 02 It's like a type of dumb phone that has, it has, uh, it has texting, calling, and maps. That's it.
1:17:37 Speaker 03 That's great.
1:17:37 Speaker 02 It'll direct you, you can call, you can text, that's it. No social.
1:17:40 Speaker 03 No calculator?
1:17:41 Speaker 02 No calculator.
1:17:42 Speaker 03 That's my most used app.
1:17:43 Speaker 02 Well, they have a calculator.
1:17:45 Speaker 03 You know, you know, if I ever wanna look, if I wanna get out of a conversation, I gotta excuse me for a second on my phone. I'm just on the calculator app. Three times, three times two.
1:17:53 Speaker 02 Oh, you really?
1:17:53 Speaker 03 Divided by one.
1:17:54 Speaker 02 You being honest right now?
1:17:55 Speaker 03 I'm totally being honest. I'm, the calculator app, I'm always on it.
1:17:58 Speaker 02 Wouldn't it be easier to just actually text somebody?
1:18:00 Speaker 03 Nope. On the fly, my brain is, I'm like, then, then, then I text them, then they're gonna call me.
1:18:06 Speaker 02 You're going straight to calculator?
1:18:06 Speaker 03 If they know I'm on my phone, they call me.
1:18:08 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:18:09 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:18:10 Speaker 02 That's beautiful, Chris.
1:18:11 Speaker 03 Thank you.
1:18:11 Speaker 02 This, um, this has been a beautiful episode. I'm not convinced that there's not a gas leak in the room.
1:18:19 Speaker 03 Well, you usually do them this late in the day?
1:18:21 Speaker 02 No. I don't usually do them after a transcontinental flight either.
1:18:26 Speaker 03 And also the holidays, we're all, we're still cross-eyed from the holiday season. I'm just getting in the Christmas spirit right now.
1:18:33 Speaker 02 We're recording this on like January 3rd.
1:18:34 Speaker 03 January 3rd, yeah, thank you.
1:18:36 Speaker 02 Is it later than January? No, it's January 3rd, exactly.
1:18:38 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah.
1:18:40 Speaker 02 I just love you.
1:18:41 Speaker 03 I love you.
1:18:41 Speaker 02 Thanks for being here.
1:18:42 Speaker 03 Thanks for having me.
1:18:43 Speaker 02 You wanna tell people where to find you?
1:18:45 Speaker 03 Uh, you can find me at Caleb Hearon on Instagram.
1:18:48 Speaker 02 Not my handle?
1:18:50 Speaker 03 How do you say your last?
1:18:51 Speaker 02 You messed up my handle and my name.
1:18:53 Speaker 03 Heron?
1:18:54 Speaker 02 Heron, and my handle's Caleb Says Things.
1:18:56 Speaker 03 Sorry.
1:18:57 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:18:57 Speaker 03 Sorry.
1:18:58 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:18:58 Speaker 03 Caleb Says Things, and on TikTok, it's Caleb Says Things.
1:19:04 Speaker 02 Yep.
1:19:04 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:19:05 Speaker 02 This was awesome, Chris.
1:19:07 Speaker 03 Yeah, what did we get on the, on the rating?
1:19:11 Speaker 02 Yeah, you got nine on the true or false.
1:19:12 Speaker 03 Oh, no, I'm on the episode. What's the?
1:19:15 Speaker 02 Oh, they're tanking.
1:19:17 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's a live tank. Fans are unsubscribing every moment. That was a HeadGum Podcast.
1:19:26 Speaker 00 Let's be honest, you don't go to the family holiday gift exchange just to participate. You go to win. This year, get a gift that'll cause a stir. A KitchenAid Stand Mixer. It's not just an appliance, it's a present to help them with the making. Year after year, recipe after recipe, you're enabling the family to whip up new traditions. 'Tis your season to mix it up. Gift a KitchenAid Stand Mixer this year and make more than meals.
Previous Jay Jurden is Holding Space Next Kevin Morby is One of The Boys Page updated November 5, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated