Blair Socci is Being Sincere

Welcome! This week’s guest is the hilarious Blair Socci! Blair and Caleb talk childhood pranks, hitting the dance floor this summer, legendary football watch parties, heartbreak, and more! Join our Substack for ad free full episodes, early access to merch, our community chat, and more! https://calebsaysthings.substack.com/ Follow Blair! @blairsocci Follow the show! @sooootruepod Follow Caleb! @calebsaysthings Produced by Chance Nichols @chanceisloud Try Domino's Parmesan Stuffed Crust Pizza today at dominos.com Try TruFru today - the Blue bags with fruit found in the freezer aisle! Rula patients typically pay $15 per session when using insurance. Head to https://RULA.com to find a therapist the easy way. Get bugs out of your house with Pestie. Go to https://pestie.com/SOTRUE for 10% off your order. So True with Caleb Hearon is edited and engineered by Nicole Lyons. Our social media manager is Virginia Muller. All episodes are filmed in The So Trudio at Legitimate Business World Headquarters in Brooklyn, New York. A Wave series. wavesportsandentertainment.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:04Speaker 00

  Hey babe, I just wanted to confront you really quick on my podcast.

• 0:07Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 0:08Speaker 00

  I am here with Blair, recording frankly, an all-timer. A hit episode. And I've been led to believe that you had a karaoke celebration on Monday that I didn't receive a text about. Did you want to speak on that?

• 0:20Speaker 01

  Um, actually, you were sent a particle, and if you look-

• 0:23Speaker 00

  Love you. I love you. Goodbye. I love you. Goodbye.

• 0:29Speaker 00

  This episode is brought to you by Domino's. Thank you, Domino's. I'm sorry. What else are you gatekeeping in your life? Is there anything big?

• 0:37Speaker 01

  It's pussy.

• 0:39Speaker 00

  No, you're not. Well, actually, you kind of are.

• 0:42Speaker 01

  Um.

• 0:43Speaker 00

  What's going on? Yeah, let's get into it.

• 0:44Speaker 01

  Oh, okay. We're going there already.

• 0:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, what's going on with dating?

• 0:46Speaker 01

  You know, that's the thing about being a single woman of a certain age. Everybody wants to know. Everybody wants to fucking know what I'm up to. I'm a busy bitch, though, you know? And you know, I-

• 0:57Speaker 00

  You're not too busy to date, though.

• 0:58Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:02Speaker 00

  You could be dating.

• 1:03Speaker 01

  Well, this is what happened, Caleb. You know, I've been deep in grief this past year, so I sort of gave myself the time off, because you know, you go on one of those hinge dates, and say, "How many siblings you have?" I say, "One in heaven, one on the ground."

• 1:16Speaker 00

  One on the ground is crazy. One up there, one in the ground. Thank you.

• 1:20Speaker 01

  But then I've been seeing psychic mediums, so I can speak to my brother.

• 1:27Speaker 00

  This is gonna be a really interesting challenge for me.

• 1:30Speaker 01

  I knew you were gonna give me a talk about this.

• 1:31Speaker 00

  No, it's not a talk. It's obviously, I have to be softer than I'd like to be due to the grief, but-

• 1:36Speaker 01

  Oh, no. I'll just, let me just say, it's not like I was seeing psychics before. And I'm not trying to get any future predictions. I'm just trying to have a word.

• 1:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:44Speaker 01

  You know?

• 1:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:45Speaker 01

  How you doing up there?

• 1:46Speaker 00

  I understand.

• 1:47Speaker 01

  What's happening? You catching any waves in the ether?

• 1:49Speaker 00

  You, uh, are you getting a connection?

• 1:52Speaker 01

  Um, I have, there have been some specific things, but this last time I went, it was around that anniversary. And so I was like, let's have a chat. And the whole time, this woman was telling me that he wants me to find true love. And I was like, alright. And then I was telling my mom and she was like, well, you know, well, he would say that all the time when he was alive. And I was like, okay, fine.

• 2:13Speaker 00

  That's really nice. I think that's a great takeaway from that situation.

• 2:16Speaker 01

  I knew you were gonna say that.

• 2:17Speaker 00

  I like that. I also want you to find true love.

• 2:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, but I, what I'm looking, trying to do this year as sort of a reset from the year of grief is, um, I just like wanna shake my ass.

• 2:29Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 2:30Speaker 01

  And I know you think that, uh, you worry about me being radicalized by TikTok. But really, Zara Larson's been coming up on my For You page a lot, and I am inspired.

• 2:40Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 2:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, she is moving her ass.

• 2:43Speaker 00

  Is she? I don't know, I don't know her music, but I know that people like her.

• 2:46Speaker 01

  I've just sort of, uh, she's just sort of arrived into my awareness, but she's really dancing up there. And that's what I've been interested in lately.

• 2:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, I wanna dance.

• 2:56Speaker 00

  Are you dancing?

• 2:57Speaker 01

  I did on Monday.

• 2:59Speaker 00

  Where'd you go?

• 2:59Speaker 01

  Uh, Rosebud had some bizarre karaoke thing.

• 3:04Speaker 00

  That's so interesting, cuz that would've been in New York.

• 3:08Speaker 00

  And you're talking about, of course, Rosebud Baker, our mutual friend. But, yeah, I don't think I got a text, so...

• 3:14Speaker 01

  You know what's crazy? Cuz I saw Matt and Mullen yesterday, and they said the same thing. And, like, I think when your friends get so, um, famous as, I know you don't want me to use that word, but like, I just expect you to be at Meryl Streep's house. And so then...

• 3:29Speaker 00

  Oh, Monday, yeah, I was at Meryl's house.

• 3:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, I thought you, no...

• 3:32Speaker 00

  Fuck, I was doing karaoke at Meryl's house.

• 3:34Speaker 01

  No, Monday, I thought you were at Meryl's house. And so then I was just like, okay, he doesn't want to, he's probably too, he's got engaged with Meryl. He's probably not hopping down to his little old friend, oh, oh, skateboard Blondie's karaoke, you know?

• 3:47Speaker 00

  I would love nothing more.

• 3:49Speaker 01

  But, you know, I don't, uh, all of you somehow, all the New York comedians, gorgeous voices, I don't know. You know me, I am just like, I bring the vibes to karaoke, not the pipes.

• 4:00Speaker 00

  What'd you sing?

• 4:01Speaker 01

  Well, Rosebud, uh...

• 4:04Speaker 01

  She generali- stereotyped me and she said, okay, this is your pitch, meaning skateboard voice, and put on, um, All American Rejects. And she's like, you can sing this one.

• 4:15Speaker 00

  Killer. I'm also loving that at Rosebud's karaoke night, she picks the songs. That's really funny.

• 4:20Speaker 01

  Well, no, like, everyone else there was, I mean, Mateo was pretty much, you know.

• 4:25Speaker 00

  What'd he do, opera or musical theater?

• 4:26Speaker 01

  There was a lot of musical theater.

• 4:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:29Speaker 01

  And something I love to reveal constantly about Rosebud is that she was a musical theater major, and she tries to hide that.

• 4:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:36Speaker 01

  As like a little tough-

• 4:37Speaker 00

  She's doing a pretty good job of hiding it.

• 4:37Speaker 01

  As like a tough guy.

• 4:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:39Speaker 01

  Where she has like the vibe of like a garage mechanic, you know?

• 4:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 4:43Speaker 01

  So, but no, they were singing Sister Act. I would have loved for you to be there. Frankly, she did this a month after her birthday, sent the text, and I said, okay, I booked a flight for your birthday, and she forgot that she had a birthday. She had to change a flight to make her own birthday.

• 4:59Speaker 00

  Oh, wow.

• 5:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, so she's like, I didn't even remember. I just said, sent out a text to a few people and said, invite anyone.

• 5:06Speaker 00

  Invite anyone is such a tough, obviously, phrase to hear, just based on who I am.

• 5:12Speaker 01

  Look, I wish, if I could turn back time, as, you know, the great Cher said.

• 5:16Speaker 00

  Turn back time.

• 5:17Speaker 01

  If I could turn back time.

• 5:20Speaker 00

  That was beautiful.

• 5:20Speaker 01

  It wasn't, and I did go to one of her One Million Farewell tours when I was 13.

• 5:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:25Speaker 01

  Maybe the first of her farewell tours.

• 5:27Speaker 00

  What was I gonna say to you? It wasn't about Cher's farewell tour. It was about, oh, you know what? About, I was just about how fun it is to be friends with so many funny, cool people.

• 5:38Speaker 01

  It really is.

• 5:39Speaker 00

  Like, being friends with comedians is so fun.

• 5:40Speaker 01

  It is, and you know, as the most earnest person alive, I like to say that my younger self would just, like, this was all I wanted, was to just, like, when I go into a friend, uh, my friend Amy Silverberg's, like, book launch, and like, seeing her do a reading, and just like, that, yeah, that's all I wanted as a kid in Orange County, culturally barren Orange County.

• 6:06Speaker 00

  DOC.

• 6:07Speaker 01

  Beautiful, beautiful vistas.

• 6:10Speaker 00

  Beautiful DOC.

• 6:11Speaker 01

  But no, uh, no books, no art there.

• 6:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:14Speaker 01

  And so this was, we made it out, baby.

• 6:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:18Speaker 01

  We're out there.

• 6:19Speaker 00

  I have that thought a lot when I'm just sitting around with comics, like chit chatting, talking about, you know, whatever, invariably talking shit on some comic we don't like, or talking about a set that we had that was fun, or whatever. I'm just like, oh, wow, this is the coolest life ever.

• 6:31Speaker 01

  It is.

• 6:32Speaker 00

  I'm so happy to have so many creative weird friends.

• 6:34Speaker 01

  No, it's so much fun. Everyone's so smart, like all, from all over the country, all different places. And now you're in the band Paramore, and I know an actual member. That's so cool.

• 6:46Speaker 00

  In the band Paramore, yeah.

• 6:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:48Speaker 00

  It's, it's happening for me. I've been auditioning forever.

• 6:51Speaker 01

  I know.

• 6:51Speaker 00

  And they're finally ready to have me.

• 6:52Speaker 01

  When you had a minute away from Merrill's house.

• 6:55Speaker 00

  Dude, when I tell you, my musician friends will not stop asking me to come on stage, and I, it's funny because I always joke about like, oh, I hate going to concerts because I'm not up there. I really do try to avoid getting up there because guess what? I'm a Paramore fan, and guess what I know? If I was watching a Paramore show, or a Hailey show, this was a Hailey show, if I was watching a Hailey show.

• 7:13Speaker 01

  Oh, it's a Hailey show.

• 7:13Speaker 00

  And they brought out a gay comedian.

• 7:19Speaker 00

  I would, I would be so fucking mad. And so I know there were people in that audience that were like, oh, God, I can't get away from this fucking guy. And I feel for them is the thing. I'm like, baby, I know, I'm so sorry, but you're gonna have to keep dealing with it.

• 7:34Speaker 01

  I love when like, some sort of distant past life Republican comes out of you where it just came out right then. If I was, if I was in the audience and I saw this gay comedian come up.

• 7:45Speaker 00

  I would hate it. I'm sorry, I would hate it. What are you doing at the Hailey show? Let me just see Hailey.

• 7:49Speaker 01

  No, but I remember one time I asked you, and I hope it's okay to reveal this. I said, if you could be anything else, you said singer.

• 7:55Speaker 00

  Oh, I'd way rather be a musician. It's so much cooler. I mean, the number of times I'm at a concert, we went to the Amber Mark show in Brooklyn recently, um, like me, Michelle, Leo, Sydney, and Marie. So much fun. And I'm just watching and I'm like, there is nothing comparable in comedy.

• 8:10Speaker 01

  Right.

• 8:11Speaker 00

  To what these people do.

• 8:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:13Speaker 00

  There's nothing comparable. Even when you're at the, like, I've played some cool rooms. I've like, I've lived some dreams in my comedy life. I've been so lucky. And even still, there's nothing that compares to walking out on that stage as a musician and people singing your songs.

• 8:25Speaker 01

  I, I, it.

• 8:26Speaker 00

  We don't have it.

• 8:27Speaker 01

  No, we don't. I, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. I used to say that. And like, the relief, to be sincere, I think, would be incredible.

• 8:35Speaker 00

  But you are being sincere.

• 8:36Speaker 01

  No, of course, I am, and I live that way, but, um, you know, in our circles, it's shocking to people.

• 8:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:43Speaker 01

  I feel like sometimes people, uh, don't, can't figure me out for a while because they're like, there's no way that she means everything that she's saying.

• 8:52Speaker 00

  Well, it's the, I think it's the fact that you'll say something deeply sincere and then you'll like scream with your voice. Like you'll be like, you'll be like, I'm really sad. And it's like, she did mean that.

• 9:03Speaker 01

  I like to say, I'm never joking.

• 9:09Speaker 01

  Never ever joking around.

• 9:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, but see, it's that cadence that makes people, it's that cadence that's gonna go ahead and make people think that you're not being sincere. And I know that you are. I've been around. I know the Blair story.

• 9:20Speaker 01

  You know what I'm saying is how I met you when you were like 24 and now you're a goddamn girl. You are, and now you're Anne Hathaway's friend.

• 9:30Speaker 00

  You and you in the cast of Don't Worry, it's Prada today.

• 9:33Speaker 01

  No, I am the biggest, I am losing my mind over this.

• 9:37Speaker 00

  You're having a moment with it.

• 9:38Speaker 01

  When I heard the news, I was like, okay, this is, this is huge for me. This is gonna, I can't wait. I can't wait to get my ass in that theater seat.

• 9:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're gonna be seeing me for two to three minutes in that movie.

• 9:50Speaker 01

  It's gonna be huge for me.

• 9:51Speaker 00

  Buckle up.

• 9:52Speaker 01

  Look, I'll never forget where I was at the Burbank Theater when I saw you in the Jurassic Park, was on a date with a guy I didn't like at all. And I said, it was worth it. There's my buddy. So I'm in the control room.

• 10:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:04Speaker 00

  In the control room for 23 seconds, blink and you'll miss him.

• 10:06Speaker 01

  It was huge for me.

• 10:07Speaker 00

  It was huge for me.

• 10:08Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 10:09Speaker 00

  What's going on with you this year? You're over the year of grief. You're into the year of shaking your ass.

• 10:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, the grief is still there, but you know, you have to remedy it with shaking your ass. And, um, I'm just on tour. I'm everywhere, you know, just traveling around, delivering this medicine to the people. And, um.

• 10:29Speaker 00

  An apothecary, really.

• 10:30Speaker 01

  Yeah. Um, I'm, I'm traveling, I'm doing comedy. What else am I doing? I'm trying to act, you know, that's, uh, ultimately where I want to land. I, I wish to be sort of another iteration, but uniquely myself of Melissa McCarthy, Jack Black.

• 10:49Speaker 00

  There's, there's something missing.

• 10:51Speaker 01

  What?

• 10:52Speaker 00

  Uh, well, just those being the two people you picked.

• 10:55Speaker 01

  Well, I, I don't see, they don't seem to think anything is missing.

• 10:58Speaker 00

  I think they all think what I'm thinking, which is that you're gonna need to put on some weight.

• 11:02Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 11:02Speaker 00

  You're picking fat icons.

• 11:04Speaker 01

  Well, you know, that could be done, that's fine.

• 11:07Speaker 00

  I just think, I'm just saying, if that's what you want, it might be time to get a little fat with it.

• 11:10Speaker 01

  Okay, I love to eat, let's get, let's get there, um.

• 11:14Speaker 00

  You've never been fat, though, you've always been like an athlete. You were like playing volleyball in college and stuff. Were you ever fat? Were you fat as a kid?

• 11:19Speaker 01

  Um, I had a few years there where everyone called me fat.

• 11:24Speaker 00

  Everyone called you fat, but were you fat?

• 11:25Speaker 01

  I don't think so.

• 11:26Speaker 00

  Right.

• 11:27Speaker 01

  Um, like third, fourth grade, you know? Um.

• 11:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:32Speaker 01

  Before I had braces as well, um, but you know, Orange County was a prison back then.

• 11:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:38Speaker 01

  Uh.

• 11:40Speaker 00

  Might be time to get fat.

• 11:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, but anyways, it's not about the outward appearance to me.

• 11:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:45Speaker 01

  Really?

• 11:46Speaker 00

  That's all everything's about to me.

• 11:47Speaker 01

  Uh, yeah, I know you.

• 11:48Speaker 00

  I don't see the inside.

• 11:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, I've always said that about you.

• 11:52Speaker 00

  I don't see the inside.

• 11:53Speaker 01

  Remarkably shallow.

• 11:55Speaker 00

  I only see fat people and thin people, that's it. You're either fat or you're off my radar.

• 12:02Speaker 01

  I stay on your radar, baby, um.

• 12:04Speaker 00

  Well, that's because you have obviously a fatness in your heart.

• 12:06Speaker 01

  I know, I do, and that's why, like, it really, you know, because when you posed that question to me, that you see something missing, I couldn't think of it, I, I was like, I don't understand what.

• 12:15Speaker 00

  You couldn't think about fatness?

• 12:16Speaker 01

  No, I couldn't.

• 12:18Speaker 00

  It was making you ill to consider.

• 12:21Speaker 00

  That's crazy.

• 12:22Speaker 01

  No, it just didn't cross my mind, I was like, I feel like we all three, me, Jack, Melissa, same personality.

• 12:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, you guys are a lot of fun, I would love to see you. What's the, what's the one role of either of theirs that you would kill to have taken from them?

• 12:35Speaker 01

  Uh, Heat, I love.

• 12:37Speaker 00

  I've not seen Heat.

• 12:38Speaker 01

  Oh, it's so good, it's a classic, um, with Sandra Bullock, another favorite.

• 12:43Speaker 00

  No, I do love Sandy.

• 12:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:45Speaker 00

  No, I do love Sandy Bullock.

• 12:46Speaker 01

  How could you not?

• 12:47Speaker 00

  Oh my god, she's a talent.

• 12:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, oh my god, and, and, I mean, she's like, one of the most likable people on the earth.

• 12:52Speaker 00

  She's an incredibly charming talent, and I don't think we have, we don't have a Sandra Bullock anymore.

• 12:56Speaker 01

  No, and if you think that I am not losing my goddamn mind about Practical Magic, uh, coming out?

• 13:05Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 13:06Speaker 01

  Oh, I can't wait.

• 13:07Speaker 00

  Over the moon about it?

• 13:08Speaker 01

  I'm over the goddamn moon, I am, I'm in the stratosphere, I'm in the galaxy, the time is ticking, let's go, it's ticking forever.

• 13:15Speaker 00

  When's it coming out?

• 13:16Speaker 01

  I don't know, um, hopefully soon.

• 13:18Speaker 00

  Time is ticking, I kinda can't wait, don't know when it's coming out.

• 13:20Speaker 01

  No, well, you know, I know TikTok will tell me, but, um, one thing about Practical Magic while we're here.

• 13:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:27Speaker 01

  Nicole Kidman with that red hair, the long, straight red hair, and the bang, she's never looked better, like, I need to have her in that hair.

• 13:34Speaker 00

  Hello.

• 13:35Speaker 01

  She, she looks so hot with that hair.

• 13:38Speaker 00

  She looks hot in most things.

• 13:40Speaker 01

  Oh no, of course, she always looks hot.

• 13:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:42Speaker 01

  I just think like a redhead, I like when they have, they stay with the red instead of going blonde.

• 13:47Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 13:48Speaker 01

  My personal opinion.

• 13:49Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 13:50Speaker 01

  You know, no, take it or leave it, baby.

• 13:52Speaker 00

  You dating girls?

• 13:53Speaker 01

  No, but I, I, I should.

• 13:55Speaker 00

  I didn't think you were, but it's just, it kinda baffles the mind.

• 13:58Speaker 01

  Really?

• 13:59Speaker 00

  You should be dating girls.

• 14:00Speaker 01

  Thank you, whenever I consider, you know, cause on the OCD test, one of the questions, um, is, do you worry that you're homosexual and just don't know?

• 14:11Speaker 01

  And I said yes.

• 14:11Speaker 00

  That's really funny. Also, yeah, what do you, you say yes?

• 14:14Speaker 01

  I said yes, yes, but then I was like, how will I know if it's a OCD thought or a real gay thought, fake disease gay thought, real gay thought?

• 14:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:22Speaker 01

  You know, and then I'm like, I'm worse off than before I started.

• 14:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, have you just, have you thought about just like, running that down for a little bit? You ever thought about?

• 14:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, I think, um-

• 14:31Speaker 00

  Taking a couple of girls home and just seeing what sticks?

• 14:34Speaker 01

  Seeing what sticks, throwing it against the wall?

• 14:37Speaker 00

  You could tell her, hey, I don't know if this is OCD or if I wanna eat you up, but let's try. This might be, this might be an intrusive thought, let's see.

• 14:43Speaker 01

  Look, there are some people that I have had a crush on, like Dakota Johnson, if you're watching this, you probably are. I do have a crush on you. And I know that you're already, and you've moved on with that Sally man, but I find you attractive. She's got a lot of genetic qua can't look away, she's got a twinkle in her eye, you know? I like her vintage car collection.

• 15:10Speaker 00

  She has a vintage car collection?

• 15:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think so. Yeah, her and Kendall.

• 15:14Speaker 00

  I think so.

• 15:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think so. I think she does.

• 15:20Speaker 01

  Are you about to tell me that Dakota is like your close personal friend?

• 15:23Speaker 00

  Nope.

• 15:24Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 15:24Speaker 00

  Nope.

• 15:25Speaker 01

  Because that would be crazy.

• 15:26Speaker 00

  That would be crazy.

• 15:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's definitely not what I'm gonna tell you.

• 15:29Speaker 01

  If you were gonna like dial her right now or something, and Rebecca not there yet, but okay.

• 15:33Speaker 00

  I'll ring her up.

• 15:34Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 15:34Speaker 00

  I'll ring her up.

• 15:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, so that could be in my future.

• 15:39Speaker 00

  I really want it for you.

• 15:40Speaker 01

  Really?

• 15:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:41Speaker 01

  Every time I bring it up to one of my friends, they're like, no, you're so straight.

• 15:45Speaker 00

  Well, you are, and that's unfortunate. I mean, I do, the number of, the sort of things that you tell me you want out of a man and the men you're willing to put up with, I do find to be like a deeply heterosexual disease, really disease.

• 15:58Speaker 01

  Look, I wish I could argue with you, but I can't.

• 16:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:01Speaker 01

  At this moment, I have to take that one on the chin, absolutely right.

• 16:05Speaker 00

  It's really baffling to me because so many men are like, I just want a woman who like, woman who's fun and wants to like, like cares about sports and like wants to like have babies and settle down and like, that's really what you're kind of putting out a lot of the time.

• 16:17Speaker 01

  I know, I'm not a casual sex guy, I was like a deeply sensitive, deeply sensitive person.

• 16:24Speaker 00

  Yeah. I don't have that thing.

• 16:27Speaker 01

  I know, which I envy men, a lot of men don't have it.

• 16:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:31Speaker 01

  You know?

• 16:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:33Speaker 01

  You're able to separate holes from the heart.

• 16:36Speaker 00

  That is true.

• 16:38Speaker 01

  Holes in heart are find the distance.

• 16:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:41Speaker 01

  Not for me, my heart is in my hole.

• 16:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:44Speaker 01

  Can you imagine?

• 16:45Speaker 00

  So what happens? Like, what, what, what happens if you have sex with someone that you don't like?

• 16:49Speaker 01

  I just wouldn't, I wouldn't want, I wouldn't want to do it.

• 16:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:53Speaker 01

  I'd be uncomfortable and I wouldn't enjoy it.

• 16:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:57Speaker 00

  Hate that.

• 16:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, that sucks.

• 16:59Speaker 01

  But that's fine. I don't, I don't mind it.

• 17:01Speaker 00

  It's totally fine.

• 17:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:03Speaker 01

  You know?

• 17:03Speaker 00

  Life is long and complicated.

• 17:05Speaker 01

  Right. I've just started, um, my, my friend Amy always says life is long and I always thought life is short. Like, that's the way that I've lived.

• 17:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, life is long.

• 17:13Speaker 01

  It is kinda long.

• 17:14Speaker 00

  Amy Silverberg or Amy Miller?

• 17:16Speaker 01

  Silverberg.

• 17:16Speaker 00

  It sounds more like a Silverberg.

• 17:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, didn't sound like an Amy Miller quote to me.

• 17:22Speaker 01

  No.

• 17:25Speaker 00

  I love that girl.

• 17:26Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, she's a kick.

• 17:27Speaker 00

  She's the best.

• 17:28Speaker 01

  She's a real kick. And talk about someone who's a fun time.

• 17:31Speaker 00

  Amy Miller?

• 17:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:32Speaker 00

  The best.

• 17:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, like if you, if, like, out in the world. Yeah.

• 17:37Speaker 00

  Out in the world as opposed to?

• 17:39Speaker 01

  Like on a night out, you know?

• 17:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:42Speaker 01

  Like she brings the fun, I feel.

• 17:43Speaker 00

  Oh, she's the best. I love her to death. What was I thinking of? Having, um, uh, we were talking about, oh, life is long. Life is so long. We really have to be, like, I mean, okay, it can also be short. Let's hope that it's long. But you really, I feel like, I don't know, once I got to thirty, I was like, wow, I, I, basically when I turned thirty, I had to start being like, you might actually have to like face the consequences of some of your behaviors someday.

• 18:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:06Speaker 00

  Do you know what I mean?

• 18:07Speaker 01

  I do know. I will say, like, the thirties felt

• 18:13Speaker 01

  really fast. You know? I mean, I'm not out of them yet.

• 18:16Speaker 00

  I was gonna say, you're in your thirties.

• 18:18Speaker 01

  I know. I started saying I was forty when I was like thirty-two.

• 18:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, okay.

• 18:21Speaker 01

  Um, but I feel like they just went by in a blip, but, um.

• 18:25Speaker 00

  That's my biggest fear.

• 18:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't know. Kinda means you're present, though, no?

• 18:30Speaker 00

  I guess, I just don't, I really don't like, I have a real, oh, I'm gonna throw up. I saw the other day, a perfect example, it was a fucking Instagram reel of this guy who was like forty-two, and he was like, just talking about, he was just, it was like a voiceover, he was like running on the beach and he was like, uh, my thirties completely flew by, I don't know where they went, now I'm forty-two. And I'm just like, I don't like the idea of time flying, that really stresses me out.

• 18:56Speaker 01

  I know, and I guess.

• 18:58Speaker 00

  It's not about aging, by the way.

• 19:00Speaker 01

  I know what you mean.

• 19:00Speaker 00

  I like aging.

• 19:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:01Speaker 00

  I love, every year I like myself more, I'm enjoying getting older.

• 19:05Speaker 01

  I actually feel the exact same way, like, I feel happier, prettier, more relaxed, uh, yeah, just, I feel much more at home in myself.

• 19:18Speaker 00

  And I feel cooler, by the way.

• 19:20Speaker 01

  Yes, every year that goes by, the one thing is like, if you don't hit potential, uh, like societal markers, you know, where people, you know, start to worry about you, like, as you, um, start to worry about me.

• 19:34Speaker 00

  You think I'm worried about you because you're not married with a kid?

• 19:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:37Speaker 01

  Um, as my mother and my, uh, brother and the psychic, um, but my problem is that like, I have built a life that I'm genuinely fulfilled by, I'm busy as hell, I love all my friends, I put all, so much heart and soul into my friendships, my family, and I, I love comedy, and so, there's not like this huge gap that feels like it's missing, would I love to be in, would I love to meet the love of my life in a coffee shop? And then like, I'm like, oh my god, this guy has so much integra, he's dripping with integrity, and yet, I just wanna bounce on that thing.

• 20:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:14Speaker 01

  You know, would that be sort of an incredible situation to stumble on? But, do I want to, on my night off, go out on the hinge day?

• 20:25Speaker 00

  Gotta do it anyway.

• 20:26Speaker 01

  Ah!

• 20:27Speaker 00

  Sorry, gotta do it anyway.

• 20:28Speaker 01

  I know, alright, alright, I'm gearing up.

• 20:30Speaker 00

  Tough love time, you're not going to bump into a man dripping in integrity that you wanna bounce on his dick at the coffee shop.

• 20:35Speaker 01

  What?

• 20:36Speaker 00

  You're gonna have to take forty-five minutes on that night off and go get a drink, baby. Tough love time. I can't. It's the number of my friends that are like, "I just don't, I don't have the time. I can't imagine." Yes, you do, and you have to.

• 20:46Speaker 01

  Well, speaking of someone who will utilize every minute of time, you are incredible.

• 20:52Speaker 00

  Not really. I'm pretty lazy. I just, you have to, you have to have boundaries. Forty-five minute first date. It's forty-five minutes of your day. You can do it.

• 21:00Speaker 01

  Right.

• 21:00Speaker 00

  You can do it.

• 21:01Speaker 01

  Do you, are you one of those psychopaths that does a day date, like a coffee date?

• 21:06Speaker 00

  If that's what I have time for, yeah.

• 21:07Speaker 01

  Oh, my god.

• 21:08Speaker 00

  And I'll just be really clear, like, hey, I have a thing after this.

• 21:10Speaker 01

  But how do you catch attraction at coffee in the daytime in a forty-five minute window?

• 21:16Speaker 00

  It's not about catching some sort of like terminal, long time attraction. It's like you go for forty-five minutes. You talk to someone for two minutes and you know if you like their vibe or not.

• 21:25Speaker 01

  That's what I'm saying.

• 21:26Speaker 00

  So you talk to them. You talk to them for a couple of minutes. You go, oh, I like this person. They say something interesting. You float some, you float some like, some bait. You go like, oh, what do you think about this? You know, you get their opinions on things. You find out a little bit about their politics, a little bit about their worldview, whatever you need to know. And then you leave. And if you enjoyed them and you feel yourself wanting to hang out with them again, you make time again. But yeah, this, I mean, it's mostly lesbians I have this problem with, but they go, "I don't, I don't know how I go on a first date. I don't have five free hours in the next week."

• 21:51Speaker 01

  Oh, I do have five free hours. It's getting the will. It's getting the ambition. It's stirring up some sort of any even just a modicum of genuine motivation.

• 22:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, maybe do false motivation. Maybe just make yourself do it.

• 22:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay.

• 22:06Speaker 00

  Forty-five minutes, once a week.

• 22:08Speaker 01

  Forty-five minutes.

• 22:08Speaker 00

  Once a week, a drink, one drink.

• 22:10Speaker 01

  He wants me to go get a drink with some strange man instead of moving my ass at the dance class.

• 22:15Speaker 00

  I do. Well, I want you to do it right before or right after the dance class. That's what I want. Both, all the above.

• 22:22Speaker 01

  This guy's freaking crazy. I do like that. You will schedule your day down to the hour. I know that about you.

• 22:28Speaker 00

  I used to do that a lot. The, I mean, these days I'm pretty, Michelle knows, I'm canceling shit. I'm canceling shit.

• 22:34Speaker 01

  That's good because I didn't know where you were getting the engine for all that.

• 22:37Speaker 00

  Oh, I'm canceling, I'm rescheduling.

• 22:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:39Speaker 00

  I'm, I also now I have a very, I used to schedule my day down to the hour because I had to work a lot more to make a living.

• 22:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:45Speaker 00

  I was broke and so I was busy. Like, it was like these huge hours of the day where I had to be working, which is being a normal person in the world.

• 22:50Speaker 01

  Right.

• 22:50Speaker 00

  And now that that's not really my, like, now I have more free space. Like, I, things have to get done, but they can kind of get done when I want them to.

• 22:57Speaker 01

  Right.

• 22:57Speaker 00

  And I can kind of cancel most things.

• 23:00Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 23:00Speaker 00

  And so I will. I take, now I take the liberty, but I didn't get used to get to do that.

• 23:04Speaker 01

  And um, what are you and what are you sort of, are you, you're at a lot of concerts, I feel like, is that like your ideal?

• 23:11Speaker 00

  God, I love going to concerts. Yeah, my ideal is like, oh, I love going to a concert. I love seeing my friends, mostly my friends' shows. I want to see my friends do their thing. I like going and seeing my friends like, do the thing they're really good at and then hang out with them for a little bit afterwards and make them feel supported. That's so much fun. I love going to a dinner.

• 23:30Speaker 01

  I love a dinner.

• 23:31Speaker 00

  I love walking. I've been walking to Manhattan a lot from Brooklyn.

• 23:33Speaker 01

  Love walking, hate standing. That's always been my position.

• 23:37Speaker 00

  Standing, no thank you. Walking, I love.

• 23:38Speaker 01

  Walking, love. Love it.

• 23:41Speaker 00

  It's the best.

• 23:41Speaker 01

  It feels so good.

• 23:42Speaker 00

  It's the best thing. Um.

• 23:44Speaker 01

  It's really the only exercise that I prefer to be involved in.

• 23:47Speaker 00

  I know, that was my big burden.

• 23:48Speaker 01

  Are you out here dancing or?

• 23:50Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, I went dancing the other night with Carly Kane.

• 23:52Speaker 01

  Oh, I love Carly.

• 23:54Speaker 00

  We went dancing.

• 23:55Speaker 01

  I haven't seen her in forever.

• 23:56Speaker 00

  Oh, God. But yeah, but my ideal day, concert, biking. You biking?

• 24:02Speaker 01

  No, you're not, you're not finding me on a bike.

• 24:04Speaker 00

  I love to bike.

• 24:05Speaker 01

  Oh wait, in New York? That's like a death sport.

• 24:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, there's a thrill in it.

• 24:10Speaker 01

  Is, are you really biking around these?

• 24:12Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 24:13Speaker 01

  Wow. I remember the first time I moved to New York, or no, the only time I moved to New York, um, I hadn't been here and I was like, oh yeah, I know how I'm gonna die. I will be impaled by cyclists.

• 24:24Speaker 00

  Impaled by a cyclist?

• 24:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, because like they go careening by, like they don't worry about the walk. You really, as a pedestrian, you have to have your wits about you. Like in LA, there's people walking on the five freeway and you just have to dodge them.

• 24:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:37Speaker 01

  You know, that's your, that's on you.

• 24:39Speaker 00

  I would say cyclists, in my experience, are pretty, the thing to me that I think about cyclists is they are the perfect example of a community that's mostly right, but suffers from being too fucking annoying. Like, they are mostly correct. Cyclists, it's like drivers completely disregard them. Pedestrians will stand in the fucking bicycle lane doing nothing on their goddamn phones. Like, I understand the cyclists that are putting out like head, head cam footage of them screaming at people because people are fucking idiots.

• 25:05Speaker 01

  Right.

• 25:06Speaker 00

  But because cyclists are so goddamn annoying, we don't want to hear their correct message. And that's the, that's, that's, that's their burden.

• 25:12Speaker 01

  And now we're circling back to politics.

• 25:15Speaker 00

  And that's their burden. They have the correct message, but they are so all goddamn insufferable.

• 25:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, but uh, sometimes I, and I have experienced it this trip, I will be candid with you. Um, I, there's a walk sign and there's a cyclist that said, no bitch, absolutely not.

• 25:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, of course. I, I just think generally cyclists are more in the right than in the wrong. There's gonna be a cyclist who blows a walk sign every once in a while.

• 25:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:38Speaker 00

  But most of the time cyclists are following the rules and being safe because they're in a vulnerable position. And drivers and pedestrians are ruining it.

• 25:45Speaker 01

  And so what, what we're doing, oh god, I didn't know that you were doing this around here. Are you doing that only in the daytime though, right?

• 25:52Speaker 00

  No, I'm biking at night.

• 25:53Speaker 01

  Oh my god, you're a wild man.

• 25:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, people don't love it.

• 25:56Speaker 01

  You can't be corralled.

• 25:58Speaker 00

  Well, I think it's fun. Also, I know what I'm doing. I think a lot of it's just paying attention.

• 26:02Speaker 01

  Oh, couldn't be me.

• 26:03Speaker 00

  Couldn't be me. Couldn't be me. No, I love it. It's the most magical thing.

• 26:09Speaker 01

  That's really nice. I, I'm so happy you love New York as much as you do.

• 26:13Speaker 00

  I love New York. Moving here is the best decision I've ever made.

• 26:15Speaker 01

  I'm so glad about that. I love that.

• 26:18Speaker 00

  Are you gonna move back?

• 26:18Speaker 01

  No.

• 26:19Speaker 00

  I know, you love LA.

• 26:20Speaker 01

  Oh no, I'm such a, I need my trees, I need my sun.

• 26:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:24Speaker 01

  You know, I wake up and this was a tough year, this past year. And when you guys were having that winter from hell, I was like, yep, too fragile. Every day I wake up, thank god this one is there for me today.

• 26:35Speaker 00

  It was beautiful though.

• 26:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, well I know.

• 26:37Speaker 00

  It was so, it was so awesome.

• 26:39Speaker 01

  You know, you have a much more uh, robust constitution than me.

• 26:44Speaker 01

  You know, so yeah, it's perfect for you. You got that grit. The grit has left me.

• 26:48Speaker 00

  I don't even think it takes that much grit. I mean, here's what I'll say, I get, I leave a lot, so I'm not a good, I'm not a good advocate for how beautiful the winter is. I'd be leaving, I'd be going other places. I don't have to commute to an office in Manhattan every morning. So other people, I, I don't begrudge anyone complaining about it, but I will say, god, I missed seasons. I woke up after four years in LA and I was like, what the fuck happened?

• 27:09Speaker 01

  Where, round top day.

• 27:10Speaker 00

  What did I do? I did nothing.

• 27:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 27:12Speaker 00

  Four, I, four of the most prime years of my life, the last four years of my twenties, I was in LA doing almost nothing.

• 27:19Speaker 01

  Right.

• 27:19Speaker 00

  And I woke up and I was like, oh my fucking god, what happened to me?

• 27:23Speaker 01

  I know, I can, I can understand that sentiment. I am quite glad that I started comedy in New York. I feel like there's nowhere like it. Um, you know, I'm glad I was out all the time. I was running ragged, jaw, uh, going to multiple shows and I go and drink it, you know, not sleeping the entire time I was here. Now that's why I'm catching up.

• 27:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I'm glad I did it.

• 27:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:45Speaker 00

  We miss you.

• 27:46Speaker 01

  Thanks.

• 27:46Speaker 00

  We miss you out here.

• 27:47Speaker 01

  I stopped by and you know, next time we'll be doing the karaoke, so.

• 27:51Speaker 00

  I'd love to get a text.

• 27:54Speaker 00

  I'd love to get a text.

• 27:55Speaker 01

  Alright, well now that we've covered it, like, you, uh, again, I'm not, I don't want to intrude on, uh, Anne and Merrill and Stanley.

• 28:04Speaker 00

  Anne and Merrill and Stan.

• 28:06Speaker 01

  And Stan? Is he just a dream?

• 28:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, he is. Everybody was lovely. But it is funny, the, the thing you're mentioning is like, a thing that I've heard a lot in the last like two years of people being like, I just, I didn't want to bother you. And I'm like, bother me? Am I giving that vibe?

• 28:21Speaker 01

  Not at all. Not at all. You're not giving that vibe at all. Like you are the most receptive, like you text back immediately, like, you never give that vibe. Matt and Bowen said the same thing. And, and, and they were like, wow, but I was like, this bitch.

• 28:37Speaker 00

  Wow!

• 28:38Speaker 01

  They're like, wow, uh, would have loved to be invited to that. That would, it sounds like so much fun.

• 28:46Speaker 00

  Now, would I have come had I been invited? I don't know. I can't tell you that. That's not for me to know. I, I, all my decisions about where I show up are based on a, a minute to minute, hour by hour assessment.

• 28:57Speaker 01

  Same.

• 28:57Speaker 00

  But even if I've said I'll be there, it doesn't, it just has to, we have to see.

• 29:00Speaker 01

  Right.

• 29:01Speaker 00

  We have to see. But I do love to be invited places.

• 29:03Speaker 01

  Uh, yeah, I, well, this, I was actually stunned by this. This bitch forgot that she had a birthday party and, um, forgot who she invited, that she invited anyone. Um, everyone came out on a Monday night. I would say ninety-four percent of the people there were sober too. And it was just an absolute rager. And I was like, New York is crazy in that way.

• 29:24Speaker 00

  Sober rager on a Monday night. I'm sorry, I'm calling Rosebud. Um, oh no, I'm not.

• 29:31Speaker 01

  She's gonna love this.

• 29:33Speaker 00

  No, I don't have her number.

• 29:34Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 29:35Speaker 00

  We talk on Instagram.

• 29:36Speaker 01

  Do you want me to call her?

• 29:37Speaker 00

  Um, yeah, we call her.

• 29:39Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 29:40Speaker 00

  Claude texts me, "Hey, are you gonna be at your studio in like 30 minutes? I forgot my key for the building and need to get buzzed in."

• 29:47Speaker 01

  Who's Claude?

• 29:49Speaker 00

  Claude's a musician.

• 29:50Speaker 01

  Oh, hot?

• 29:52Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 29:53Speaker 01

  Single?

• 29:54Speaker 00

  Give me this. Help me.

• 29:58Speaker 02

  Hello, Larry.

• 29:59Speaker 00

  Hey, surprise.

• 30:03Speaker 00

  It's Caleb Hearon.

• 30:04Speaker 02

  Hello, Caleb.

• 30:05Speaker 00

  Hey babe, I just wanted to confront you really quick on my podcast. Um, I am here with Blair, recording, frankly, an all-timer, a hit episode. And I've been led to believe that you had a karaoke celebration on Monday that I didn't receive a text about. Did you want to speak on that?

• 30:22Speaker 02

  Um, actually, you were sent the particle and if you look...

• 30:25Speaker 00

  Love you. I love you. Goodbye. I love you. Goodbye.

• 30:31Speaker 00

  No! You know, oh my god.

• 30:36Speaker 00

  No, not our Dakota Johnson, Ellen DeGeneres moment. Not this.

• 30:40Speaker 01

  Actually, Ellen, that's not true.

• 30:41Speaker 00

  Actually, Ellen, that's not true. Dakota was the villain in that clip. Um, that's crazy, but you know what I will say? Not in my defense, but just as a point of reality? I'm not clicking particles anymore. Stop fucking sending them to me. I'm not clicking particles. I hate them. I don't want to see the guest list. I don't want RSVP. Text me the goddamn address and time. I'm not clicking your particle. It's over with particle for me. No more particle for Caleb. Don't send me your fucking particle. I'm done. I'm not replying with a gif. Stop.

• 31:11Speaker 01

  So you want to go back analog? You want individual texts?

• 31:14Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 31:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay. You know, and I could be so bold here. I, um, I love an email.

• 31:22Speaker 00

  I love an email.

• 31:22Speaker 01

  I love an email because then I just search it right up. And when I get the email, I actually input it into my calendar, whereas for some reason, the text to calendar doesn't happen as

• 31:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:34Speaker 01

  easily. I love an old school email. The particles have gotten out of control.

• 31:38Speaker 00

  The particles are out of control. People are doing them for like, they're doing them for like movie nights.

• 31:42Speaker 01

  Yes, that's exactly the problem.

• 31:44Speaker 00

  Stop.

• 31:44Speaker 01

  There's an oversaturation.

• 31:46Speaker 00

  There's an oversaturation of particles. They're not, I don't like it. I don't, I don't like it. I'm getting upset with them.

• 31:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:52Speaker 00

  Don't send one to me.

• 31:53Speaker 01

  Right. Don't send one. That's why Caleb wasn't at the Monday night karaoke.

• 31:56Speaker 00

  That nut's on me and I'm reaping what I sow.

• 31:58Speaker 01

  Right.

• 31:58Speaker 00

  And honestly, I'm my problem.

• 32:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:01Speaker 00

  Open the particle if you want to go to karaoke, you whiny bitch.

• 32:04Speaker 01

  You missed joyful joyful from Sister Act, No Less Than Three Times.

• 32:10Speaker 00

  That's actually really beautiful. I wish I was there for that.

• 32:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:12Speaker 00

  I'm gonna start opening the particles again. Take everything I said back. I'm opening particles. Send them to me. Send me your particles. Come one, come all.

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• 32:47Speaker 00

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• 35:03Speaker 00

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• 35:14Speaker 00

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• 35:55Speaker 01

  Um, so you've been biking outside hanging with Merrill?

• 35:59Speaker 00

  I feel bad that I hung up on Rosebud.

• 36:00Speaker 01

  Why?

• 36:01Speaker 00

  But I just couldn't let her do that to me.

• 36:02Speaker 01

  No, she loved that.

• 36:03Speaker 00

  She tried to come for me on my show.

• 36:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, she's.

• 36:05Speaker 00

  Nice try, bitch.

• 36:06Speaker 01

  Well, she posted.

• 36:09Speaker 00

  She was posting about it crazy style.

• 36:11Speaker 01

  I was getting messages from, about her posts from disgusting men.

• 36:16Speaker 00

  She, what?

• 36:16Speaker 01

  They're like, I can't believe you went to karaoke braless. I was like, honey, look, it wasn't my most supportive bra, but um, I'm not out here swanging in the streets braless on the Monday night.

• 36:30Speaker 00

  Men are crazy.

• 36:30Speaker 01

  I know.

• 36:31Speaker 00

  Men are crazy.

• 36:32Speaker 01

  You wouldn't believe the DMs I get.

• 36:35Speaker 00

  Yes, I would.

• 36:36Speaker 01

  And I feel, yeah.

• 36:38Speaker 00

  I've seen some of this stuff and it makes me shocked.

• 36:41Speaker 01

  I know, but it's like, what, Rosebud didn't, uh, as like a non-single woman, doesn't get the same shit. It's like, if, the only thing keeping men from being gross is another man.

• 36:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:54Speaker 01

  Crazy.

• 36:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, that is true.

• 36:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:57Speaker 00

  I got an awesome DM, I got an awesome message on Grindr the other night.

• 37:00Speaker 01

  Really?

• 37:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, do you want to hear it?

• 37:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:01Speaker 00

  I really screenshotted it because I was like, this is actually, this is actually to me, the best case of a message I can get on Grindr.

• 37:07Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 37:08Speaker 00

  Let me find this.

• 37:09Speaker 01

  Um, one of my goals this weekend, and it wasn't to go on a date, but just to redo my dating profile, and I asked Rosebud to hold me accountable.

• 37:17Speaker 00

  Uh huh.

• 37:18Speaker 01

  What does yours say?

• 37:19Speaker 00

  My Grindr?

• 37:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:21Speaker 00

  Well, my Grindr.

• 37:23Speaker 01

  That's just a fuck app, right?

• 37:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, pretty much. My, my Grindr, not that interesting. My, my, my hinge is good, I think.

• 37:30Speaker 01

  Really? Like, you go all in?

• 37:32Speaker 00

  I'm bringing hotties. I'm, I'm bringing hotties.

• 37:33Speaker 01

  No, but I mean, like, do you write a lot or like?

• 37:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, I write some stuff on there.

• 37:37Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 37:38Speaker 00

  Do you wanna see my hinge?

• 37:39Speaker 01

  I'd love to, thank you.

• 37:40Speaker 00

  I wish I could find this Grindr message. I thought I screenshotted it cuz I thought it was so cool.

• 37:45Speaker 00

  This is awesome. He said, what is this? This is four in the morning. I had just gotten home. He said, uh, I don't know a different way to say this. Can I please suck your dick? Before we even start, yes, I have seen your work. You're hilarious, and I want you to fuck me if you're into it. Awesome.

• 38:00Speaker 01

  That, what an opener.

• 38:02Speaker 00

  Really awesome.

• 38:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:03Speaker 00

  That's like, you, like, you dream of a way for someone to talk to you, and you're like, wow.

• 38:07Speaker 01

  No, you, he nailed it.

• 38:08Speaker 00

  Fan of my work.

• 38:09Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 38:10Speaker 00

  Wants me to consent.

• 38:11Speaker 01

  Right.

• 38:11Speaker 00

  Love that. Wants me to have sex with him.

• 38:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, offering a, a great service, yeah.

• 38:16Speaker 00

  No questions.

• 38:17Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 38:17Speaker 00

  Like, zero preface, no, like, dumb little game we have to play.

• 38:20Speaker 01

  Right.

• 38:21Speaker 00

  That's awesome. I really like that. Pretty cool.

• 38:23Speaker 01

  Did you meet up with him?

• 38:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, we had great sex. We had a fun night.

• 38:26Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 38:26Speaker 00

  It was an awesome time. I really, I have a lot of respect for that young man.

• 38:34Speaker 01

  I just love what, how you closed the deal. It's great.

• 38:37Speaker 00

  It was not much of a deal to close. I, usually I'm having to be, you know, usually there's a little more work involved. That was just a...

• 38:43Speaker 01

  A layup.

• 38:43Speaker 00

  That was offer only.

• 38:44Speaker 01

  Wow. Offer only?

• 38:45Speaker 00

  No self, no self-tape. This is my hinge.

• 38:49Speaker 01

  Oh, okay, chic.

• 38:54Speaker 00

  Would you date him?

• 38:55Speaker 01

  I, oh, 100%. Why can't you be straight? This is so sexy.

• 39:00Speaker 00

  It would make my life infinitely easier. I would give anything.

• 39:03Speaker 01

  Oh, my god, I love you.

• 39:04Speaker 00

  I would give anything to be straight.

• 39:06Speaker 01

  If you...

• 39:07Speaker 00

  I would fucking move mountains.

• 39:08Speaker 01

  No.

• 39:09Speaker 00

  I would give anything. Do you understand the way that, I mean, men are so pathetic. Straight men are so pathetic because...

• 39:13Speaker 01

  No, you would run this.

• 39:15Speaker 00

  The way I would fucking, like, I actually could cry thinking about it. Like, I would... Clean up, dude. It's so easy. I just, I feel that we are so, people are so stupid.

• 39:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:29Speaker 00

  Like, it really is, like, our society is so stupid at this point, that so many people I hear from, I go, I just don't even know how to seriously engage with you.

• 39:37Speaker 01

  Right.

• 39:38Speaker 00

  And I want, and I'm talking about on the internet. In real life, people are mostly lovely, even when they're dumb. But...

• 39:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, I just feel like we... I don't, I don't know how to seriously engage with a lot of people anymore.

• 39:48Speaker 01

  Well, I, I don't think you have to, and I feel like that realization is keeping you at some semblance of peace with all the people like, because they're, they're projecting, they're making a huge projection on you based off of one little short clip refusing to consider context ever. Refusing to consider nuance ever.

• 40:09Speaker 00

  And also, by the way, refusing to shut the fuck up. Do you know how many times in a day I see something I don't like online and I just go, oh, that's annoying and move on with my life? I scroll. The option to shut the fuck up is there and so many of these people just won't take it. Shut the fuck up.

• 40:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:28Speaker 00

  No one cares what you think.

• 40:29Speaker 01

  I know. When I get these straight men, like hateful, straight men that don't think women should do comedy and it's like, well, you're free to not like my clip.

• 40:39Speaker 00

  It's not for you, dumbass.

• 40:40Speaker 01

  Yeah. Have I ever gone, it's psychotic to go on a stranger's video and write something hateful.

• 40:48Speaker 00

  But that is the same thing and it's that so many people, especially online, imagine that, they imagine that they would do what you're doing better than you.

• 40:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:58Speaker 00

  But we'll never know because you'll never have the chance, babe.

• 41:00Speaker 01

  I know.

• 41:00Speaker 00

  We won't ever know how you would do it because no one wants to hear from you.

• 41:03Speaker 01

  Right. And.

• 41:04Speaker 00

  They think they would be a better comedian than you and it's like, then go get on stage. You can't. No one would book you.

• 41:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:08Speaker 00

  We are never going to hear from you because you don't have anything interesting to say. And so you're in Blair's comments talking about how women shouldn't be comedians. Brother, you can't make the people at your office laugh.

• 41:16Speaker 01

  I always say that. I'm like, that's fine. You literally never said one funny thing in your whole goddamn life.

• 41:22Speaker 00

  We've, there's a reason we don't know who you are, random commenter.

• 41:27Speaker 00

  If you were so otherworldly funny, we would know who you are. Move on. Go find something else. Try being kind. Maybe that's your lane.

• 41:34Speaker 01

  I know. Well, also it's like the funniest people aren't spending their day, you know, in Instagram comments on strangers' videos. They're out doing it.

• 41:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, they're not. And also a lot of the funniest people are not famous comedians, but they're also not in the comments of famous comedians doing fucking theorems about comedy and what's funny and what works. And like, I see these guys sometimes, back when I would read the comments more, like when my Comedy Central set came out.

• 41:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:59Speaker 00

  And it was like a big deal for me to have a Comedy Central set. Mostly nice comments, really, but a couple of straight guys that were just like, "Oh, this joke would have worked better if X. Get on stage."

• 42:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, or, or like-

• 42:09Speaker 00

  Let me know when you get on stage.

• 42:10Speaker 01

  And they're like, "Good concept, but, um, need to work on the delivery."

• 42:16Speaker 00

  Do it.

• 42:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm like-

• 42:18Speaker 00

  Show me, send me your, send me your 10.

• 42:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm like-

• 42:20Speaker 00

  Send me your 10, you pathetic bitch.

• 42:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay, Seinfeld, like, I, you, you don't know, oh my god.

• 42:27Speaker 00

  It's so, it's just like, you, yeah, you've never done this and you never will. And, and then, I feel like sometimes when you say that, people are like, "Oh, so they have to like you?" I'm like, "No, they don't have to like me," but they certainly shouldn't be criticizing the way I do something that they don't have the balls, talent, skill, or courage to even try.

• 42:43Speaker 01

  Sorry to bring it back to Brene Round, but if you're not in the ring, baby.

• 42:49Speaker 00

  Get out of here. I think it was Brene Brown who said, "Get out of here."

• 42:52Speaker 01

  She said, "Do, do, I don't know her quote, this is a, a non-tekson paraphrase, but, um,

• 43:00Speaker 01

  when she said, "If they're not in the ring with you, their criticism doesn't get to be in there either."

• 43:06Speaker 00

  Hello.

• 43:07Speaker 01

  Hello!

• 43:08Speaker 00

  I think that's word for word.

• 43:10Speaker 01

  But, no, also, the idea that it never considers, it never crosses their mind because they feel like everything, whether they're aware of it or not, is inherently for them.

• 43:22Speaker 00

  Right.

• 43:22Speaker 01

  That if they don't like something, that it could be actually for an entirely different audience.

• 43:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:27Speaker 01

  Like, I, you know, when I think about straight men, sometimes I'm like, "I literally have nothing in common with you. I don't know how I'm supposed to go to bed with you," you know, like, we don't, we don't have any of the same interests, ideas.

• 43:40Speaker 00

  Keep following that.

• 43:41Speaker 01

  I'm going to, I know that's your wish.

• 43:42Speaker 00

  Keep following that.

• 43:43Speaker 01

  Dakota?

• 43:44Speaker 00

  Chase that down, chase that down.

• 43:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:46Speaker 00

  No, I think sometimes I do prefer, though, me personally, and obviously, I don't, this probably wouldn't speak to your experience, but for me personally, I sometimes prefer the straight guys that are just like, "He's unfunny, his jokes are bad," to the, like- Liberal queer people that don't like me, that are like, try to make me like a moral failing.

• 44:04Speaker 01

  Or try to give like an academic analysis of what is supposed to be silly and absurd.

• 44:09Speaker 00

  Where they're like, where they're like, he, he's, it's problematic that he said that. And it's like, no, you just don't think it's funny. Shut the fuck up. You don't think it's funny.

• 44:14Speaker 01

  Shut the fuck up. You're insufferable.

• 44:16Speaker 00

  Problematic, I hate. Problematic. If you say problematic to me, I will never take you seriously again.

• 44:20Speaker 01

  Well, it's also just so crazy because, I mean, especially you, like, you're out there and you were way before even you achieved these, like, great levels of success, like, doing the work. Like, you are very heavily involved in charity, giving your money, your time.

• 44:36Speaker 00

  I do the bare minimum. I do the bare minimum. I do not, I, I do, I do, I do what I think I'm supposed to do. I'm not, I don't even want anyone to be like, he's such a great activist.

• 44:44Speaker 01

  I know that. I know that you don't want that.

• 44:45Speaker 00

  I just mean like.

• 44:46Speaker 01

  And I know that that's not what you're going for, but it's like, to go after, to not have the awareness that who you're going after is actually like, putting good into the world and doing, and like, as opposed to so many other people that are either actively harming or just not doing shit.

• 45:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think my, I don't need anyone to think that I'm a hero. I don't think that, but problematic to me is such a specifically stupid, brain dead, worthless accusation against someone, not even just me, in general, in the world.

• 45:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:16Speaker 00

  Problematic is like, you either need to find a real problem in your own life, go find something to be actually worried about.

• 45:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:21Speaker 00

  Or you have to actually say what you don't like about this person. You problematic is like, really sit down and think about that. What does that mean? It means nothing. Think about a real problem and try and assess the text or the, the content through like, any kind of lens at all that has any kind of merit. Problematic is just like the dumb person's way of being like, I don't like this and that means it's morally wrong. No, it's not. You just don't like it. And you're not a serious person to engage with.

• 45:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, and also, it's like, not, it's a comedy podcast.

• 45:52Speaker 00

  Or a stand-up set.

• 45:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, or a comedian.

• 45:55Speaker 00

  Whatever. It's like, yeah, it's just like, it doesn't matter.

• 45:58Speaker 01

  The point is to have fun. Like, we're not, I, I mean, look, I'm not trying to be like.

• 46:04Speaker 01

  I'm pushing the boundaries. And look, I'm the last bastion of truth, like, you know.

• 46:10Speaker 00

  I'm a fucking poet and philosopher.

• 46:12Speaker 01

  I'm a poet, and look, if you don't like it, then, you know, just get the fuck out of here, leave the country, you know?

• 46:20Speaker 00

  Immigrate, fucking immigrate.

• 46:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, but, but it's also like, then we go the other way too far, the other way, you know?

• 46:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:29Speaker 01

  And you're just like, God, can anything be remotely fun anymore, or just like silly?

• 46:35Speaker 00

  And can you just dislike something quietly?

• 46:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, can you just?

• 46:37Speaker 00

  Must you be so, so like vigilant about the things you don't like? I don't like plenty of things, and I just mostly keep it to myself.

• 46:45Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 46:46Speaker 00

  For the most part, except, well, when it comes to like, movies and TV and stuff like that. There, there are things I definitely talk about not liking.

• 46:51Speaker 01

  You're, you're in the Netflix comment.

• 46:53Speaker 00

  I'm in the comments on Netflix. God, if Netflix had comments, it would be such a nightmare. Could you imagine if streamers got comments?

• 46:59Speaker 01

  God, we're probably close now that there's commercials. We're basically back to paying for seventy different cable packages.

• 47:06Speaker 00

  I know, I love it.

• 47:07Speaker 01

  You do?

• 47:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm really happy about it. I think it's good.

• 47:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know you do.

• 47:10Speaker 00

  I'm glad it costs way more and it's way worse.

• 47:12Speaker 01

  Right.

• 47:12Speaker 00

  I think that's awesome, and that's happening with everything, by the way.

• 47:14Speaker 01

  I know.

• 47:15Speaker 00

  Everything costs more is worse. Nobody does customer service anymore. Everyone's customer service now is fuck you.

• 47:20Speaker 01

  It's fuck you, and it's some, um, like hateful robot that just has three.

• 47:27Speaker 01

  It's a hateful robot that has like A, B, C, D answers, and they're like, did A, B, C, or D meet your, um, answer your question? It's like, no, bitch, not even close, not even the same galaxy, and they're like, thank you, have a nice day.

• 47:38Speaker 00

  Everyone's customer service is, you type in your question, and their little bot sends you back a link to an FAQ page.

• 47:44Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 47:44Speaker 00

  Why don't you mail me a knife? And I'll stab myself to death. What are you talk, this is so unhelpful. Nobody has good customer service anymore. Everyone's product is getting worse.

• 47:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:55Speaker 00

  It all costs way more than it ever did. Not, and it makes no sense.

• 47:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's crazy.

• 47:58Speaker 00

  It makes no sense, and I feel crazy all the time.

• 48:00Speaker 01

  I do too. What are we gonna do? I mean, the flights, the flights, it's crazy.

• 48:03Speaker 00

  I'm gonna personally do nothing except for complain a little bit.

• 48:05Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 48:06Speaker 00

  But I do think somebody should do something.

• 48:07Speaker 01

  But at least it's on your own forum, and it's not in someone else's video.

• 48:10Speaker 00

  Hello, also, if you want to complain about an airline, go nuts. Well, I will say the one boundary I have for myself is I will not do. I've said this before on the show. No matter how bad travel gets for me, I will not do.

• 48:22Speaker 01

  On stage?

• 48:23Speaker 00

  The pub- onstage, maybe. Public Instagram story tagging the airline.

• 48:27Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 48:28Speaker 00

  When, when people do this.

• 48:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:30Speaker 00

  It is the most humiliating base behavior.

• 48:32Speaker 01

  Right.

• 48:33Speaker 00

  When you see someone with eight million Instagram followers and seven houses. Posting on Instagram being like, at JetBlue, you're over. I'll never fly you again. It's like, why were you in the first place? Like, do you not have a contact? Like, call the, you're, you must be of status with them. Call the people, like, what are you talking about?

• 48:51Speaker 01

  I love that you find that to be the lowest level of gauche, because I'm always like, I'm glad someone, I'm like, I appreciate it. Cause I'm like, eight million, maybe they'll listen to them.

• 49:01Speaker 00

  I know. I just think it's so humiliating.

• 49:03Speaker 01

  It is. I think it is, and I get where you're coming from.

• 49:06Speaker 00

  And I've been in the place. You know what I mean? Where the, where you, you've had in a day, a day where an airline pushes you to your fucking edge.

• 49:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:11Speaker 00

  And I get why they do it, because again, everyone's customer service now is fuck you, sit on it and spin. But I, I just can't bring myself to do it. Not when, not, not when my life is the way it is.

• 49:20Speaker 01

  Remember like several years ago when Nicole Byer opened one of like the blankets and there was shit in there? And then she, that was unbelievable. She like, talked about it on, um, like the couch on like late night in her special. She got like a huge settlement from them. It was really incredible.

• 49:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:39Speaker 01

  And I was like, go Nicole, like do it for the rest of us.

• 49:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:42Speaker 01

  You know?

• 49:43Speaker 00

  That's a really, really good perspective and point on it, and I'm gonna sit with that and think about it, and maybe I'll change my mind.

• 49:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, if you could reflect and sort of, sort of if you could maybe open your heart a little bit and let something else in, that would be good.

• 49:54Speaker 00

  My heart is somewhat open. There are little windows where my heart is open, and I'm finding myself in one now. And I'll hear what you're saying, and maybe I'll change my mind. For now, I find it to be one of the most humiliating things you can do.

• 50:04Speaker 01

  Hey, I'm Frank. I love, before, we don't even need to talk about it, but I love your work. Can I suck your dick?

• 50:08Speaker 00

  Hey, can I suck your dick? Cool as hell. Awesome thing to say to somebody. Awesome thing to say to somebody.

• 50:15Speaker 01

  I lo- I appreciate it when someone will cut the fat like that. Not, no need for the, a long runway.

• 50:19Speaker 00

  We're all busy.

• 50:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, we're so busy.

• 50:21Speaker 00

  We're all busy. Cut to the chase. What are we doing here? What's the, how was your day? Do we, are we fucking or not?

• 50:26Speaker 01

  I'm trying to think what I would feel is like really charming to me. If like a man, a way that a man could like get in my heart.

• 50:33Speaker 00

  Yours would be like, yours would be like.

• 50:37Speaker 00

  Hey, um, you're so beautiful and smart and I really like value your personality and I don't even wanna hook up with you yet. I'd really like to take you to a nice dinner. That would, I think that would, I would get like a phone call if a guy said that to you.

• 50:49Speaker 01

  I'm so sorry. I just felt like a huge rush under this. I, I am so sorry. Does anyone have a paper towel or something?

• 50:55Speaker 00

  Can someone mop this up?

• 50:56Speaker 01

  Is there, is there like a mat?

• 50:58Speaker 00

  Especially if he was like five years older than you with a good-

• 51:02Speaker 00

  With a good job? Oh my god. I just know, I know.

• 51:06Speaker 01

  Also red, too.

• 51:07Speaker 00

  What'd you say?

• 51:07Speaker 01

  There's also red books.

• 51:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, I thought you said he's red. I was like, I guess he could be red. Yeah, he could be a little sunburnt, no worries.

• 51:14Speaker 01

  I love how you tried to just allow that.

• 51:16Speaker 00

  I was like, okay, yeah. I was like, he's red, sure.

• 51:19Speaker 01

  Actually, sun protection's really important to me.

• 51:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was like, oh, he's red, yeah. No worries. At first I thought you meant like a ginger. I was like, that's cool.

• 51:27Speaker 01

  No, because my first boyfriend ever, um, or not my first boyfriend ever, like my, uh, in my twenties, like my, my real serious, like, post-high school, college boyfriend, he was from my hometown and he was literally like the first man I had met, who had, like, knew about literature.

• 51:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:44Speaker 01

  And, you know, that, uh, led me right in there.

• 51:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, I caught you in there.

• 51:48Speaker 01

  I overlooked a lot.

• 51:49Speaker 00

  Opened you right up.

• 51:50Speaker 01

  Opened me right up. It was, it was an unsafe, you know, scenario and, um, because he was starting, he was talking to me about, you know, Charlotte Bronte and stuff like that and, uh, and, and then, um, later I found out he lied, but he, he still was very well-read.

• 52:05Speaker 00

  That's really awesome that he lied about that.

• 52:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:07Speaker 00

  That's a real, I'm sorry, but that's a ball knower.

• 52:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:10Speaker 00

  That's a real player, to lie about reading Charlotte Bronte to get some ass. That's like, the, sorry, that's awesome. I, I hate that he did it to you, but that's a pretty like, that's a, that's a student of the game.

• 52:19Speaker 01

  No, honestly, I wish that I could just have one shred of calculation in my life. I mean, one, I would love just one morsel of nefarious behavior, of thought to sort of try to trick someone. It's never crossed my mind to trick someone. You know, when I was on, one time I was on a, for one year of my life, when I was two years into comedy, I was on a prank show.

• 52:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:41Speaker 01

  And I was the only cast member that liked the pranks and I think it was just because this sheer, the one moment of me sort of getting one over on someone for the first time, first and last time ever.

• 52:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:54Speaker 01

  You know, someone orchestrating some, a little bit of conniviness.

• 52:58Speaker 00

  Do you know what Michelle said to me recently?

• 53:00Speaker 01

  What?

• 53:00Speaker 00

  That really fucked me up. Michelle, Michelle told me recently, we were, I don't know, we were, I came in a car from something. We were like, you know, working and Michelle go, I think it was a dream. Michelle goes, I had a dream that, a vision, yeah, worse. Michelle goes, Michelle goes, I had a vision that um, you're gonna get your heart broken this year by a redheaded man. And now every time I'm attracted to a redheaded man on a dating app, or if I see a cute redheaded guy and I'm like, I can't, I can't talk to him.

• 53:27Speaker 01

  Whoa.

• 53:27Speaker 00

  Michelle had a vision, number one, she had a vision that I'm gonna get my heart broken, horrific.

• 53:31Speaker 01

  Right.

• 53:31Speaker 00

  Number two, by a ginger.

• 53:34Speaker 01

  Very specific.

• 53:35Speaker 00

  Crazy. And now, I'm sorry, if you have red hair, don't talk to me for a while.

• 53:38Speaker 01

  Michelle, what is the genesis of this vision? Were you sort of a deep um, binaural beats meditation or mushrooms or?

• 53:46Speaker 03

  You so much for asking. I just like have visions sometimes where like I look at someone and really see something. We're all so high, that's not.

• 53:53Speaker 00

  We were stoned, we were stoned, we were stoned, we were stoned.

• 53:57Speaker 01

  And you just felt it.

• 53:58Speaker 00

  And that made it scarier for me personally. I'm stoned and Michelle's like, you're gonna have your heart broken this year. And I was like, what?

• 54:04Speaker 01

  Third, third eye open just out of nowhere and Rupert Grint came into your awareness?

• 54:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:08Speaker 03

  Rupert Grint, like, yeah, something similar to that.

• 54:10Speaker 00

  To break my heart.

• 54:11Speaker 01

  Because I, one thing about me, I love a redhead. Like, and not, I mean, not every redhead, or just like, not any one thing of anything, but like 50% of redheads I'm super attracted to.

• 54:21Speaker 00

  Back when I was a really ill gay man and I would still hook up with like closeted straight guys.

• 54:26Speaker 01

  Really?

• 54:26Speaker 00

  Which is a journey you have to go through as a gay guy.

• 54:28Speaker 01

  That sounds so scary.

• 54:28Speaker 00

  Course, it's horrific and it, you'll really assign meaning to it. I mean, it really, some gay guys don't grow out of it and to those, to my brothers, I wanna say, heal yourselves. But I was in that for a moment and I will say, one of, one of my most challenging straight guy situationships was um, was a ginger.

• 54:45Speaker 01

  Oh, so maybe your uh, future vision was actually a past vision, cause you know, parallel realities.

• 54:51Speaker 00

  Maybe being stoned blurred the timeline.

• 54:53Speaker 01

  Right.

• 54:54Speaker 00

  Maybe you didn't understand that actually my heart was already broken by a ginger, so I'm actually released from the curse.

• 54:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, you went, you went back and forth, you were all, you were experiencing all, everywhere, everything, everywhere at once.

• 55:04Speaker 00

  Were, yeah, all the planes were, the veil was thin in that moment.

• 55:06Speaker 01

  The multiverse.

• 55:07Speaker 00

  The multiverse of gingers, of ginger heartbreak. Ginger heartbreak is a cool name for something.

• 55:11Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 55:12Speaker 00

  Maybe a drag queen.

• 55:12Speaker 01

  That one guy, um, I'm so attracted to, um, that was the star of Homeland, um, The Redhead.

• 55:20Speaker 00

  Never seen that show.

• 55:21Speaker 01

  Okay, he was also on Billions. I know you caught every episode of that show.

• 55:24Speaker 00

  Never seen Billions, I'm so sorry.

• 55:25Speaker 01

  No, no, I know, you've seen it all seven.

• 55:28Speaker 00

  Any other ones?

• 55:29Speaker 01

  What's his name? His name's like Dominic or something. Damien, Damien Lewis, he's so hot. I think he's so hot. And such a good actor.

• 55:37Speaker 00

  He seems, he uh, has very kind eyes.

• 55:40Speaker 01

  I think he's so attractive. Oh my god, there, you remember this? Oh, I have to tell you something off. Um, that when we, this was like four years ago and I had a crush on this comedian and I told you guys and you're like, all of you were like, nope, I don't see it. And I recently told him that I had a crush on him and, um, he was like, no.

• 55:58Speaker 00

  He said no, he did, what, what, doesn't want to hear that?

• 56:00Speaker 01

  Um.

• 56:01Speaker 00

  Who is it? What, what?

• 56:07Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, what? And you told him? And he said, he said no? I mean, men are diseased. He should, he should be bending over backwards.

• 56:16Speaker 01

  I did tell him that he would regret it and he was like, I already regret it, but like, you know, we're really close friends.

• 56:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, whatever.

• 56:22Speaker 01

  And I, I do have to see him almost like every night and I like.

• 56:26Speaker 01

  And I, and I, but I'm never, like, I don't see, um, comedians as sexual beings, so that was just like a real rare thing.

• 56:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, you don't really see comedians as human.

• 56:36Speaker 01

  I see the female gay and they's.

• 56:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, exactly.

• 56:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:39Speaker 00

  Male comedians are not human to you.

• 56:40Speaker 01

  And actually, I like a lot of, um, male comedians as a friend, um, but nothing past that now.

• 56:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's good, that's healing.

• 56:47Speaker 01

  I'm like, oh, we get a flat tire, we're gonna have to call in some sort of SWAT team, I mean, you know, like. I was like, yo, like, these fuckers know how to operate a grill?

• 56:57Speaker 00

  You think they're weak beta male cocks?

• 56:58Speaker 01

  Absolutely, that's what I call them, weak beta male cocks.

• 57:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:05Speaker 00

  Well, we've all used the same excuses when it comes to avoiding seeing a therapist. Things like, "It's out of my budget. I don't know if my insurance covers it." Or that classic, "What if I can't find someone who's a good fit for me?" Lucky for y'all, Rula is here to make all those worries disappear by making getting into therapy easier than ever. Be honest, how many times have you thought, "I should probably look into getting a therapist", and then you just didn't do it? Plenty of people are in the exact same boat, and Rula is here to help. They make it incredibly easy to get quality care with therapists who take your insurance and who actually have openings, with 93% of patients reporting symptom improvements after signing up. And the signup part, with Rula, this genuinely takes like five minutes. No, I'll come back to this when I feel like it moment. And with Rula, you won't break the bank.

• 57:47Speaker 00

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• 58:07Speaker 00

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• 58:49Speaker 00

  the feeding frenzy begin, as I always say. Be sure to save it back for yourself, though. Trust me, they go fast. And get this, Truefruit is getting into the Greek yogurt game with, you guessed it, their very own Greek yogurt.

• 59:07Speaker 00

  So next time you're at the grocery store, be on the lookout for those blue bags with fruit found in the freezer aisle and for their new Greek yogurt. Thank you, Truefruit, for sponsoring this episode. What a tasty treat.

• 59:26Speaker 00

  Oh my god, I texted Claude, "Yes, you can buzz us, we'll let you in." And they said, "Never mind, someone let me in, thank you, though."

• 59:31Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 59:31Speaker 00

  Wow, no respect.

• 59:32Speaker 01

  Claude?

• 59:33Speaker 00

  Yeah. Claude has a, Claude has a, works at a studio in this building. And Sarah Squirm has a studio in this building.

• 59:39Speaker 01

  Oh, really?

• 59:40Speaker 00

  We're kind of making a revolution over here.

• 59:41Speaker 01

  I love that.

• 59:42Speaker 00

  There's a Brooklyn revolution that no one's talking about.

• 59:44Speaker 01

  I feel like everyone's talking about it.

• 59:46Speaker 00

  There's a Brooklyn revolution in this building.

• 59:47Speaker 01

  No, this is...

• 59:48Speaker 00

  This building kinda sucks. We've made it nice, but... The guy totally lied to me.

• 59:52Speaker 01

  I think it's gorgeous.

• 59:53Speaker 00

  The guy totally lied to me. The guy, when I rented this place to, for, to be the studio, I, uh, he was showing it to me and I go, "There's like a bus depot across the street." And I go, "You know, we record podcasts, so just shake my hand and promise me that during the day it's quiet." And he shakes my hand and he goes, "It's quiet, man, you're gonna love it here, let's sign a lease." And I said, "Okay, I trust you."

• 1:00:15Speaker 00

  Cannot be louder.

• 1:00:16Speaker 01

  There's a drummer?

• 1:00:17Speaker 00

  I've never, drummer, I wish. I fucking wish it was a drummer. Instead, it's a bus depot that operates all hours of the day. I don't even know where they're taking the buses. They're seemingly going into the parking lot. You know what makes those loud beeps when they back up?

• 1:00:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:30Speaker 00

  Beep, beep. I think they're going out there, backing the bus up 10 feet, driving it forward, backing it up 10 feet.

• 1:00:36Speaker 01

  Like an Austin Powers, um, scenario in that hallway with the, um, with the golf cart.

• 1:00:41Speaker 00

  If you told me that what happens over there is that it's their job to test the beepers on the buses,

• 1:00:46Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:00:46Speaker 00

  to make sure that they're working, I would believe you.

• 1:00:49Speaker 01

  All day testing.

• 1:00:50Speaker 00

  I, I, it is completely insane. I had to pay tens of thousands of dollars to soundproof this like curtain over here that soundproofs the room. This guy fucked me and I believed him based on a handshake because I'm what, like a 1950's rube? I'm a fucking moron from the Midwest.

• 1:01:04Speaker 01

  No, that's...

• 1:01:04Speaker 00

  I trusted this man's handshake.

• 1:01:05Speaker 01

  Right, no, that's that classic first date, "You're not gonna kill me, right?"

• 1:01:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:09Speaker 01

  No, okay, let's go, yeah.

• 1:01:10Speaker 00

  And now I'm dead in the woods.

• 1:01:11Speaker 01

  Right, you're dead in the woods!

• 1:01:13Speaker 00

  He killed me. It's the loudest fuck, loudest, loudest room I've ever been in when those buses are doing their thing.

• 1:01:17Speaker 01

  And where are they right now?

• 1:01:19Speaker 00

  Right now, they're not beeping. We've actually, with Records recently, got pretty lucky. They're not, they're not operating so much. I think it was maybe Passover for a second.

• 1:01:26Speaker 01

  Sure, the buses were bussin'.

• 1:01:28Speaker 00

  Well, I think the, all the, um, Hasidic guys who run the bus depot were maybe... Busy with other stuff.

• 1:01:33Speaker 01

  Do they ask you if you're Jewish?

• 1:01:34Speaker 00

  We need to record. No, they do not ask me if I'm Jewish.

• 1:01:36Speaker 01

  Oh, because you know, I, they would ask me if I was.

• 1:01:39Speaker 00

  I would love if they would talk to me at all. They don't speak to me.

• 1:01:41Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:01:41Speaker 00

  I would love to be in community with them.

• 1:01:43Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:01:43Speaker 00

  I try to, I, I, I try to, I try to smile at them. I try to be in community. They're not interested in speaking with me.

• 1:01:48Speaker 01

  No, they said just take our buses.

• 1:01:50Speaker 00

  Totally, they're right. I wish I could take their buses. I'd put them somewhere else. I tell you, if, if I was in charge of all the Hasidic buses in the city, I, you know what I'd do with them? Move them out of the bike lane. I would, I would move them out of the bike lane because my brothers are putting them in the bike lane.

• 1:02:04Speaker 01

  I, gosh, I had no idea before I arrived here how pro-bike you've gotten.

• 1:02:08Speaker 00

  I've always been pro-bike, but I'm telling you, between the Hasidic community and the NYPD, the parking in the bike lanes is at an epidemic rate.

• 1:02:15Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:02:16Speaker 00

  And the NYPD, of course, I'm mad at.

• 1:02:17Speaker 01

  There's gonna be another epidemic.

• 1:02:19Speaker 00

  I, it's so funny. I get like, I'll be biking and I'll come up on a row, hello, I'll come up on a row of Hasidic buses and I'll get so mad.

• 1:02:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:27Speaker 00

  And I'll be like, god damn it. And then I'll be like, Caleb, you can't. They're Hasidic.

• 1:02:30Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:02:31Speaker 00

  Which is not true. I can definitely be mad at them for parking in a bike lane.

• 1:02:34Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:02:34Speaker 00

  But, and then I come up on one where the NYPD's parked. They might legitimately be doing something.

• 1:02:38Speaker 01

  Sure, probably not.

• 1:02:39Speaker 00

  But I allow myself to get mad at them and that feels nice.

• 1:02:41Speaker 01

  No, I think that's important.

• 1:02:42Speaker 00

  It's really nice.

• 1:02:43Speaker 01

  The other, um, the other night I was on the road in some town that I never want to attend again. And, um, and this man who I was speaking to, sort of, you know, having a cheeky little back and forth with on the stage. He didn't answer at all. And so that, of course, you know, kept provoking me. He just kept doing a light smile. But then after, his parents, they're hammered and they're like, they're like, you gotta meet our son. You wanna know what he does for a living? He's a cop. Like, thinking I was gonna be like, woo!

• 1:03:16Speaker 00

  That sounds good.

• 1:03:18Speaker 01

  Take me here in front of your parents.

• 1:03:21Speaker 00

  He's a professional candy crush player.

• 1:03:25Speaker 01

  Then he DMs me like multiple times and I was like, I, I didn't, I didn't respond, but I was just thinking, you literally couldn't say one word in person, but you're also a police officer and now you're DMing me on here? Why am I airing them out like this? But still, it was shocking to get a DM from a cop.

• 1:03:39Speaker 00

  Air him out.

• 1:03:40Speaker 01

  I've been trying to stay away from you guys for a lifetime.

• 1:03:43Speaker 00

  Be careful. He might be running a sting operation, trying to bring you down.

• 1:03:45Speaker 01

  Hmm, I don't know.

• 1:03:46Speaker 00

  I don't know what for, but he might be trying to get you for some kind of financial crime or something, if you're doing any of those.

• 1:03:51Speaker 01

  Well.

• 1:03:51Speaker 00

  Are you committing crimes?

• 1:03:54Speaker 01

  The thing is, if I were committing crimes, I know everyone would immediately assume financial because I sort of have that feel of like day trader, you know, like industry.

• 1:04:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:06Speaker 01

  Lock them in on that, lock them in there.

• 1:04:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, penny stocks.

• 1:04:10Speaker 01

  What does Piper say? Or what's her name?

• 1:04:11Speaker 00

  Who?

• 1:04:12Speaker 01

  What's that bitch's name? I love that show. It's been too long. Sorry, I had Ezekiel last night.

• 1:04:17Speaker 00

  It's okay.

• 1:04:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:18Speaker 00

  It's pretty late in the day, but Ezekiel maybe still has some lingering.

• 1:04:22Speaker 01

  Well, Rosebud gave me two and I'm more of a one guy.

• 1:04:24Speaker 00

  You took two Ezekiel?

• 1:04:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:26Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:04:26Speaker 01

  Cause that's a correct dosage.

• 1:04:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:28Speaker 01

  Yeah. You ever take Ezekiel? Are you a good sleeper?

• 1:04:30Speaker 00

  I'm a pretty good sleeper.

• 1:04:31Speaker 01

  That's an incredible trait.

• 1:04:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:33Speaker 01

  That's gonna give you a really good life.

• 1:04:34Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:04:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:35Speaker 00

  I love that.

• 1:04:36Speaker 01

  For me, sort of not my strength.

• 1:04:38Speaker 00

  Sleeping?

• 1:04:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:40Speaker 01

  From the womb.

• 1:04:40Speaker 00

  Two Ezekiel's a lot.

• 1:04:42Speaker 01

  Oh, honey, that was like a tranquilizer.

• 1:04:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:45Speaker 01

  That is their scheduled dose, but I think they should knock it down one.

• 1:04:48Speaker 00

  Me and my friend Kevin played in a baseball game recently in Texas. And then we were driving back to Kansas City together. And we stopped in Oklahoma City and our big, like, relaxing night was that we went to dinner, shared a steak, stopped at a gas station, got Advil PM, both took a double dose and went the fuck to bed.

• 1:05:05Speaker 01

  Oh my God, that's me and Rosebud's, like, that's what we do every time we see each other.

• 1:05:08Speaker 00

  Also, the Advil PM was because we had played in like a pretty lighthearted game of baseball.

• 1:05:13Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:05:13Speaker 00

  Like, it wasn't even that serious. I ran really fast one time and my body is straight up still recovering and this was weeks ago.

• 1:05:20Speaker 01

  No, I know what you mean though. When you play like a fun, you have like a sports romp.

• 1:05:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:27Speaker 01

  When you get to a like certain age and you think that you, your body wants to, and your heart, you just wanna click back into what was,

• 1:05:35Speaker 00

  What's true.

• 1:05:35Speaker 01

  Once was.

• 1:05:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:36Speaker 01

  And it says no, and it's like crazy, cause you still go for the moves that you had and it's just a different world.

• 1:05:43Speaker 00

  I kinda thought like, we stretched a bunch. I like-

• 1:05:46Speaker 01

  Oh, you did?

• 1:05:47Speaker 00

  I walk like multiple hours a day, I bike.

• 1:05:49Speaker 01

  You tried to prep.

• 1:05:51Speaker 00

  Well, I, I just thought like, I'm good.

• 1:05:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05:54Speaker 00

  I'm, I'm younger than a lot of these guys. I'm like, I move my body a lot. I'm good. Yeah, so, running as fast as you can.

• 1:06:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:04Speaker 00

  Just, running as fast as you can for three bases is just a different kinda thing.

• 1:06:09Speaker 01

  No, it's crazy. When are you ever, when are you ever going 100% run?

• 1:06:13Speaker 00

  Like, as fast as you can and mind you, I'm a big guy, so it's a lot to ask of the body to run like that.

• 1:06:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:21Speaker 00

  And I did score.

• 1:06:22Speaker 01

  Okay bitch, what were we working with?

• 1:06:24Speaker 00

  I scored, it was awesome.

• 1:06:26Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:06:27Speaker 00

  But yeah, I'm paying the price. My legs are still feeling a little funny.

• 1:06:30Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:06:30Speaker 00

  Can't tell you how long ago this was.

• 1:06:32Speaker 01

  That's fine. And so, so are, do you have a pretty, uh, good swing on you or what?

• 1:06:37Speaker 00

  Oh yeah.

• 1:06:38Speaker 01

  Really?

• 1:06:39Speaker 00

  Oh yeah.

• 1:06:40Speaker 01

  You've been perfecting that thing.

• 1:06:41Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, I used to play baseball.

• 1:06:43Speaker 01

  It's no problem. What position were you?

• 1:06:45Speaker 00

  Uh, I played, at one point I played first base, at one point I played third base. They knew not to put me in the outfield.

• 1:06:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm the same. I played one year on the Toronto Blue Jays. Um, and I was

• 1:06:59Speaker 01

  I was first base and

• 1:07:02Speaker 00

  You were first base for the Toronto Blue Jays?

• 1:07:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, the, the T-ball team, but, um,

• 1:07:06Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 1:07:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, no problem. And then, once in a while, I'd get into shorts, shortstop, and I think that speaks to my agility and the way that I can move quickly, anticipate.

• 1:07:16Speaker 00

  And be a leader.

• 1:07:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, be a leader.

• 1:07:18Speaker 00

  Solve problems quickly.

• 1:07:18Speaker 01

  There's only three girls on the team, and, um, this kid Brett Everett always used to burp in my fucking face. Yeah, I hit him with a bat.

• 1:07:26Speaker 00

  That's appropriate.

• 1:07:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:07:28Speaker 00

  That's really appropriate.

• 1:07:29Speaker 01

  But I had to carpool with him, still, after the bat.

• 1:07:32Speaker 00

  How, where did you hit him?

• 1:07:34Speaker 01

  Just like on the arm or something.

• 1:07:36Speaker 00

  Did he get really hurt?

• 1:07:36Speaker 01

  This is the last time you're burping in my face, motherfucker.

• 1:07:39Speaker 00

  You said that?

• 1:07:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:07:40Speaker 00

  And did he get really hurt from it?

• 1:07:42Speaker 01

  Uh, no, but he cried.

• 1:07:44Speaker 00

  Of course.

• 1:07:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's what you get.

• 1:07:46Speaker 00

  He shouldn't have been burping in your face.

• 1:07:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, and that's what if, uh, I see any of you internet commenters out in the wild, what's gonna happen? I hope you square up, motherfucker.

• 1:07:55Speaker 00

  If you say anything about Blair's voice, she's gonna hit you with a bat in the arm.

• 1:07:58Speaker 01

  Actually, it doesn't hurt me, and I want you guys all to know that, so just keep, have at it. I feel nothing, nothing. Um, but if you call Caleb problematic, I will get my bat out so fucking fast.

• 1:08:09Speaker 00

  Problematic?

• 1:08:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:08:11Speaker 00

  I want you to have a bat out at all times.

• 1:08:14Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 1:08:14Speaker 00

  I want you to have a Louisville Slugger with you at all times.

• 1:08:16Speaker 01

  Louisville Slugger?

• 1:08:17Speaker 00

  I want that.

• 1:08:18Speaker 01

  Did you hit a homerun in your baseball career?

• 1:08:20Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:08:20Speaker 01

  Yeah. I never hit one.

• 1:08:22Speaker 00

  Maybe I hit one. I think, I think there was one game when I was in like fifth grade that I might have hit a homerun. I'm forgetting if it, I, I got home on the run. I'm forgetting if it was in the park or out of the park.

• 1:08:33Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 1:08:34Speaker 00

  Cause they might've just fucked up throwing the ball back, but I got home on it. That was kinda cool.

• 1:08:37Speaker 01

  Hell yeah. No, that's huge.

• 1:08:38Speaker 00

  I miss, I miss the good old days.

• 1:08:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:08:40Speaker 00

  I miss my glory days.

• 1:08:41Speaker 01

  Say it loud.

• 1:08:42Speaker 00

  I miss high school football.

• 1:08:43Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:08:43Speaker 00

  I would give anything to be back under those lights.

• 1:08:45Speaker 01

  God, that's.

• 1:08:46Speaker 00

  Those, those boys don't realize how good they have it.

• 1:08:48Speaker 01

  I just love that you play high school football.

• 1:08:50Speaker 00

  God, I miss it every day. There's nothing like it.

• 1:08:52Speaker 01

  I, I would've been in love with you.

• 1:08:54Speaker 00

  There's nothing like the way those lights hit you when you're out there with your boys.

• 1:08:56Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 1:08:57Speaker 00

  It's you, it's you and your teammates against the world.

• 1:08:59Speaker 01

  When I was rolling up to that, uh, field, I had like my best glitter eyeshadow on, on a Friday night. My mom probably told me to take it off and it was just so exciting. Gave me a couple bucks for, you know, just like a nice popcorn.

• 1:09:12Speaker 00

  I miss, yeah, I miss it.

• 1:09:13Speaker 01

  Go out there, look at those asses and those tight ass pants.

• 1:09:17Speaker 00

  Yeah. The NFL, you can still do that.

• 1:09:19Speaker 01

  I know, I like that. And, and that's sort of something when you used to, uh, live in LA that I enjoyed with you.

• 1:09:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:09:25Speaker 01

  I became a Chiefs fan with you, even pre-Taylor Swift.

• 1:09:28Speaker 00

  You did, it was very special.

• 1:09:29Speaker 01

  That was bizarre.

• 1:09:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, huh.

• 1:09:31Speaker 01

  I really liked the community. I really liked the passion that you guys had going around there.

• 1:09:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was fun. We made good food.

• 1:09:36Speaker 01

  The food was unlike anything. I was like, oh.

• 1:09:39Speaker 00

  Most of the point.

• 1:09:40Speaker 01

  Well, I was like, football parties in California really pale compared to a Midwest football party. Like, there was, uh, what is that like canned cheese called that's so good?

• 1:09:51Speaker 00

  Oh, Rotel.

• 1:09:51Speaker 01

  Rotel! There was so much Rotel and I was like, this is where I'm supposed to be.

• 1:09:56Speaker 00

  Rotel with spicy sausage.

• 1:09:57Speaker 01

  Rotel with spicy sausage is my dream.

• 1:09:59Speaker 00

  Homemade chicken wings and ranch.

• 1:10:01Speaker 01

  Food.

• 1:10:01Speaker 00

  It's half the reason. Part of, the biggest part of the reason to watch football on Sundays is to eat the, oh, I'm so hungry.

• 1:10:06Speaker 01

  I'm thinking about Rotel, sausage Rotel.

• 1:10:08Speaker 00

  And then another big part of it is to objectify the men.

• 1:10:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:10:11Speaker 00

  Look at the, look at their arms in their little uniforms. Yeah, they're hot. I want them.

• 1:10:14Speaker 01

  Also, your, uh, shrewd, uh, sports analysis is pretty impression, uh, impressive.

• 1:10:21Speaker 00

  They should let me be a GM, GM or a coach.

• 1:10:23Speaker 01

  Uh, yeah. Caleb gets so serious. This is my, he's like, everyone get ready and you know, quit running the ball. We gotta stop running the ball.

• 1:10:30Speaker 00

  Well, why they every, yeah, I get, so the Chiefs pissed me off so much, cause they will run. They will do some tricky stupid bullshit on like third and four. Where they're like doing like a fucking pitch behind the line of scrimmage. What are you doing?

• 1:10:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, they need to, you need to.

• 1:10:45Speaker 00

  Throw the goddamn ball.

• 1:10:46Speaker 01

  You need a direct line because they're not, you have such, I was gonna say court awareness, but I have to switch it to field. Field awareness, you can see a direct shot that they're not utilizing.

• 1:10:56Speaker 00

  Well, here's the deal. I am like every man who came before me.

• 1:11:00Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 1:11:00Speaker 00

  A, an unathletic midwestern man who thinks that he could coach the Kansas City Chiefs to another championship.

• 1:11:06Speaker 01

  Sorry, but I.

• 1:11:07Speaker 00

  And that's a beautiful delusion.

• 1:11:08Speaker 01

  It is a beautiful delusion and I have to say as an elite athlete myself, former, former, I won't be so bold. A former, a long time ago, many years ago, um, say, I've met many a straight, a straight man who believes in their heart, every cell of their body, that they could be an elite level NFL coach, NBA coach. And I do have to say that you're the only one that I think could actually do it.

• 1:11:32Speaker 00

  I've long said I would bring intrigue to the, if they would give, if they would give me, I'm not kidding, if they, they obviously never would. I would drop everything else in my life to go coach the NFL, any team, give me the worst team in the league for one year. And I don't know if we'll win, but we will be talked about.

• 1:11:47Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:11:47Speaker 00

  I would make it so fun. Oh my God, I would make it so fun.

• 1:11:50Speaker 01

  No, this would be incredible. This would be like, um, Ted Lasso with flair, you know?

• 1:11:55Speaker 00

  Ted, Ted, no offense to Jason and the whole team over at Ted Lasso.

• 1:11:58Speaker 01

  And the whole team?

• 1:11:59Speaker 00

  He, he doesn't, Ted Lasso doesn't have, hold a candle to what I would do.

• 1:12:02Speaker 01

  I know that.

• 1:12:03Speaker 00

  He's too cutesy with it.

• 1:12:04Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:12:05Speaker 00

  I would, I would rule with an iron fist.

• 1:12:07Speaker 01

  Like the Navy.

• 1:12:08Speaker 00

  Worse.

• 1:12:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:12:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:12:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, I, I just know that team. Uh, I can see the whole movie. I can see that, I can see the whole timeline passing before my, this, uh, remember the Titans and it's, you know, you start out and it was.

• 1:12:20Speaker 00

  God, I love Remember the Titans.

• 1:12:21Speaker 01

  It's such a good movie.

• 1:12:22Speaker 00

  Incredible movie. Denzel.

• 1:12:24Speaker 01

  Ah, I love Denzel.

• 1:12:25Speaker 00

  We're not grateful enough.

• 1:12:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:12:27Speaker 00

  We're not grateful enough for Denzel.

• 1:12:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love Denzel.

• 1:12:30Speaker 00

  I don't care how celebrated he is, it's not enough.

• 1:12:32Speaker 01

  It's not.

• 1:12:32Speaker 00

  John Q?

• 1:12:34Speaker 01

  Um, one of the last.

• 1:12:35Speaker 00

  Have you watched John Q?

• 1:12:36Speaker 01

  I haven't. One of the last movies I remember, I mean, movie, dreams, dreams that I remember, cause I don't remember a lot of dreams, cause I take a night gummy before I do my TikTok every night.

• 1:12:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's probably not.

• 1:12:46Speaker 01

  But you want me off that, I know.

• 1:12:48Speaker 00

  I want you off Tik- Night Gummy we can keep, I do want you off TikTok.

• 1:12:50Speaker 01

  Only five milligram and I never up and and and my tolerance never increases and um I get blasted to the moon every night. And that's how I um make a lot of, I get a lot of presents for myself on there, TikTok shop. Yeah, sure.

• 1:13:03Speaker 00

  You're doing TikTok shop?

• 1:13:05Speaker 01

  Sometimes, yeah.

• 1:13:06Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:13:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:07Speaker 00

  No worries. You seemed at peace with it, so I was willing to let it go.

• 1:13:10Speaker 01

  Well, I oddly purchase like endless beauty products and a lot of the first, they launch there first sometimes, like you can't get them.

• 1:13:20Speaker 00

  They're launching beauty products exclusively to TikTok shop?

• 1:13:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:23Speaker 00

  That's, I don't know why that feels so dystopian to me.

• 1:13:25Speaker 01

  It is. It always dystopian, of course. You know, or the stuff that I buy off the ads because they like get inside your brain, like they really know your algorithm, you know? Off Instagram ads?

• 1:13:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:13:35Speaker 01

  I'm like, oh yeah, that is exactly something I would like.

• 1:13:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:13:37Speaker 01

  It's sad. It's very sad.

• 1:13:38Speaker 00

  They do sometimes get me with the Instagram. I've never ordered, but they do sometimes get me with the Instagram ads. I will see something and be like, you figured me out.

• 1:13:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, I'm like, I've never heard of that brand before. I've never seen this before.

• 1:13:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:13:48Speaker 01

  So intriguing.

• 1:13:49Speaker 00

  So intriguing.

• 1:13:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:51Speaker 00

  What's so true to you, Blair?

• 1:13:52Speaker 01

  What's so true to me? What's so true to me? Should I be, um, is this supposed, sorry?

• 1:13:59Speaker 00

  Nobody ever has it ready, don't worry about it.

• 1:14:01Speaker 01

  Well.

• 1:14:01Speaker 00

  I cannot tell you, there is, there is not a single person who has ever come on this show.

• 1:14:06Speaker 01

  Went super earnest, though. That was my inkling.

• 1:14:08Speaker 00

  Is that what you want to do?

• 1:14:10Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 1:14:11Speaker 00

  Let's try it.

• 1:14:13Speaker 01

  What's so true to me? Uh, friendship is true to me. I love friendship.

• 1:14:19Speaker 00

  I do too.

• 1:14:20Speaker 01

  And um I like inappropriate, um, appropriate uh level of loudness in a car. That's really true to me.

• 1:14:29Speaker 00

  Say more about that.

• 1:14:31Speaker 01

  I think if you have a loud car, that.

• 1:14:33Speaker 00

  Oh, I thought you meant inside of the car.

• 1:14:36Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:14:36Speaker 00

  You mean of a car, loudness of a car. Oh, I feel murderous.

• 1:14:40Speaker 01

  No, this is so, so true to me in every waking cell of my body. If you have a loud car, what happened?

• 1:14:51Speaker 01

  Why are you doing this?

• 1:14:52Speaker 00

  You're going to hell when you die.

• 1:14:53Speaker 01

  You don't have to do this.

• 1:14:54Speaker 00

  You're going to hell.

• 1:14:55Speaker 01

  You can trade in that car, you can take that muffler off. We like-

• 1:14:59Speaker 00

  Blair, they put it on to make the noise.

• 1:15:01Speaker 01

  I know that. I know.

• 1:15:02Speaker 00

  They like it.

• 1:15:03Speaker 01

  I know. No, they-

• 1:15:04Speaker 00

  They're going to hell.

• 1:15:04Speaker 01

  No, they are out here like thinking that they're cool guys, you know, really doing something. And then to us, it sounds like Nine Inch Nails in Guantanamo Bay.

• 1:15:13Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:15:14Speaker 01

  And we are all, it's ruining our day. My mom, I'm on my walk, talking to my mom on the phone. She can't hear a fucking word I'm saying.

• 1:15:20Speaker 00

  The loud motorbikes that zip through traffic?

• 1:15:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:15:23Speaker 00

  I don't want anything bad to happen to them, but-

• 1:15:25Speaker 01

  No, I don't want-

• 1:15:26Speaker 00

  It pisses me off.

• 1:15:26Speaker 01

  I don't want anything bad to happen to you, but I just want you to consider what it would like to consider one other person one time in your life.

• 1:15:33Speaker 00

  For even a moment.

• 1:15:34Speaker 01

  Or one second. There's old people out there, you know, they could have a startle.

• 1:15:40Speaker 00

  I'm not even gonna pretend this is about old people for me. It pisses me directly off.

• 1:15:43Speaker 01

  Oh, it upsets me.

• 1:15:44Speaker 00

  I don't even really care about the elderly in that way. I'm telling you, it's pissing me off. Turn the car down. If you're putting stuff on the car to make it louder on purpose, you will go to hell when you die. You will be there for eternity.

• 1:15:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, they will.

• 1:15:54Speaker 00

  You're a bad person.

• 1:15:56Speaker 01

  Well, it's, it's that thing in psychology where they only know how to get a negative attention.

• 1:16:02Speaker 00

  Right.

• 1:16:03Speaker 01

  You know?

• 1:16:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:16:04Speaker 01

  They don't know how to get attention in a positive way, so it's just like, that's their only way is to get people mad.

• 1:16:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:16:10Speaker 01

  You know?

• 1:16:10Speaker 00

  It's working.

• 1:16:11Speaker 01

  It's like, um, it's like those kids who are ding dong ditching as kids, but they just continued on.

• 1:16:16Speaker 00

  Dude, can I tell you something?

• 1:16:17Speaker 01

  To adulthood.

• 1:16:18Speaker 00

  One time, me and my friends were like camping in his yard. We like, we were like, can we put a tent in the yard?

• 1:16:22Speaker 01

  Fun.

• 1:16:23Speaker 00

  His parents were like, sure.

• 1:16:23Speaker 01

  Whimsical.

• 1:16:24Speaker 00

  So we're out there in the tent and like, I mean, I have a, I feel like it was like four in the morning. The truth is that it was probably like 11:00 PM.

• 1:16:30Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 1:16:31Speaker 00

  Just based on being a kid.

• 1:16:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:16:32Speaker 00

  And we were like, okay, let's go ding dong ditch this guy's house.

• 1:16:35Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:16:35Speaker 00

  We went and ding dong, we didn't know them, but we went and ding, we rang the doorbell and ran away. And of course, it's like, hey, there's a group of kids giggling in a tent one block away. I wonder who did this?

• 1:16:44Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 1:16:45Speaker 00

  And we rang the doorbell, we go back to the tent, and then like five or 10 minutes later, uh, we just hear an adult voice outside the tent that goes, hey, guys, open up the tent and come out here.

• 1:16:57Speaker 00

  So we opened up the tent, we come out and we're like, what's up? Uh, I'm sorry. Oh, what's up? We were sleeping. And he's like, you weren't sleeping. I just heard you laughing and I know that you rang my doorbell and ran away. And we were like, no, we were sleeping. We would never. And he's like, guys. He was so like, actually kind of cool. I'll never forget it. He was like, guys, I'm, I'm really not mad at you. I know you're trying to have a good time. I have a newborn baby and my wife and I are like trying to get a little bit of sleep. Please don't do that again. That really sucks.

• 1:17:27Speaker 00

  And we were like, oh my God, yeah, we didn't do it, but if we see whoever did it, we'll tell them.

• 1:17:31Speaker 01

  Those culprits, we will relay the message.

• 1:17:33Speaker 00

  And he was like, no, you don't understand. You're not in trouble. I'm just telling you, don't do it again. It really sucks. And we're like, yeah, well, if we were ever thinking about doing it, we won't now for sure. It was so, I think about this guy like twice a week.

• 1:17:46Speaker 01

  The lies that you tell as a kid that you just commit to, even though there's holes everywhere. Like we, the same thing, my, oh, we had this house, like there, there was an empty lot next to us for so long. And then a house got built and it was like, I don't know, whatever. It was crazy. And we were assholes. And one time from our driveway on the specific side egged their house. Look, we were really young.

• 1:18:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:18:11Speaker 01

  And then they were like, did your kids do this? Cause it's the only could have come from your driveway and no other angle of like a regular person out in the world. And we're like, no, that's crazy.

• 1:18:23Speaker 00

  Why the fuck would we do that?

• 1:18:23Speaker 01

  Why would you even say that? Why? Who would be dumb enough to egg some, the next door neighbor from their driveway? Crazy.

• 1:18:32Speaker 00

  I mean, the coolest, the funniest thing about it, and I think why I think about it so often was him just like, being very reasonable and nice about it and us still refusing to level with him.

• 1:18:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:18:41Speaker 00

  And just being like, no, dude, I, yeah.

• 1:18:44Speaker 00

  We didn't do that, but whoever did, they're fucked. They're fucked.

• 1:18:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:18:47Speaker 00

  And him just like being like, guys,

• 1:18:50Speaker 00

  come on. Just being so over it. And now as an adult, I'm like, oh, I, I don't even know if I would have the patience to be as cool as he was about it. I'd be like, you guys suck. I'm gonna spray him with a water hose or something. Your kids are so fucking annoying. Stop it. I have a newborn baby. And that newborn baby is probably like 50 years old now or something.

• 1:19:07Speaker 01

  God.

• 1:19:07Speaker 00

  Just based on how time goes.

• 1:19:09Speaker 01

  Time is crazy. Time lets like so long.

• 1:19:11Speaker 00

  You wanna play a game?

• 1:19:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love games.

• 1:19:13Speaker 00

  Okay. I'm gonna read you 15 statements, but you're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said was true or false. If you get 10 or more correct, we're gonna give you 50 US dollars.

• 1:19:20Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:19:21Speaker 00

  Okay. You ready?

• 1:19:22Speaker 01

  I'm ready.

• 1:19:23Speaker 00

  Name of the game is speed. Sydney is the capital of Australia.

• 1:19:27Speaker 01

  True.

• 1:19:27Speaker 00

  False, Camberra. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west.

• 1:19:32Speaker 01

  False.

• 1:19:32Speaker 00

  It's true.

• 1:19:33Speaker 01

  Fuck!

• 1:19:34Speaker 00

  The atomic number for hydrogen is one.

• 1:19:36Speaker 01

  True.

• 1:19:37Speaker 00

  True. The Atlantic Ocean is the largest ocean on earth.

• 1:19:40Speaker 01

  False.

• 1:19:40Speaker 00

  False, it's the Pacific. Costco is San Juan Capistrano's largest employer.

• 1:19:46Speaker 01

  True.

• 1:19:46Speaker 00

  False, it's the Unified School District. J. Robert Oppenheimer invented the theory of relativity.

• 1:19:51Speaker 01

  False.

• 1:19:52Speaker 00

  False, it was Einstein.

• 1:19:53Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 1:19:53Speaker 00

  The liver is the largest internal-

• 1:19:54Speaker 01

  Einstein's wife, actually, so-

• 1:19:55Speaker 00

  Right, so. The liver is the largest internal organ in the human body.

• 1:20:00Speaker 01

  False.

• 1:20:00Speaker 00

  True.

• 1:20:01Speaker 01

  Fuck!

• 1:20:01Speaker 00

  Joan Rivers lived to be 90 years old.

• 1:20:03Speaker 01

  True.

• 1:20:04Speaker 00

  False, 81.

• 1:20:05Speaker 01

  Ah!

• 1:20:05Speaker 00

  AMC A-listers-

• 1:20:06Speaker 01

  I knew that!

• 1:20:07Speaker 00

  AMC A-listers can see four free movies a week at any AMC location.

• 1:20:10Speaker 01

  I thought it was three. It's three, false.

• 1:20:13Speaker 00

  True. UCLA's motto is let there be light.

• 1:20:15Speaker 01

  False.

• 1:20:16Speaker 00

  True. The Colosseum- The Colosseum is-

• 1:20:19Speaker 01

  That's not their goddamn motto.

• 1:20:20Speaker 00

  It is, I think, I've got no chance of right, so. The Colosseum is located in Athens.

• 1:20:24Speaker 01

  False.

• 1:20:25Speaker 00

  False, it's real. Elephants can't jump.

• 1:20:28Speaker 01

  False.

• 1:20:28Speaker 00

  True. Everybody Loves Raymond ran for 13 seasons.

• 1:20:31Speaker 01

  That's not what those TikTok videos of those little babies do. Um-

• 1:20:35Speaker 00

  Everybody Loves Raymond ran for 13 seasons.

• 1:20:38Speaker 01

  Uh, false.

• 1:20:38Speaker 00

  False, it was nine. Nike is the Greek goddess of victory.

• 1:20:42Speaker 01

  False.

• 1:20:42Speaker 00

  True.

• 1:20:43Speaker 01

  Fuck, I wanted to say true!

• 1:20:46Speaker 00

  Volleyball was invented in Massachusetts.

• 1:20:49Speaker 01

  False.

• 1:20:49Speaker 00

  True, how'd she do?

• 1:20:52Speaker 01

  Michelle, why are you laughing?

• 1:20:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, Michelle, that was fucked up, because I wasn't gonna laugh until Michelle did, by the way.

• 1:20:58Speaker 01

  Um-

• 1:20:58Speaker 00

  I felt serious about it.

• 1:20:59Speaker 01

  And you know what I learned a lot, is that I went against my intuition a lot, on my first instincts.

• 1:21:03Speaker 00

  You doubted yourself.

• 1:21:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, I doubted myself, and I learned a lot, and I'll come out stronger. And, um, I hope my parents know that those multiple advanced degrees I have are paying off.

• 1:21:14Speaker 00

  Yeah. Larry, thank you so much for being on.

• 1:21:16Speaker 01

  Caleb, it was my goddamn on air, thank you for fitting me in outside of Merrill's house, and, um, I just had the time of my life. I can't wait, I, look, the karaoke tech's coming in advance next time.

• 1:21:27Speaker 00

  Thank you, I love you. Do you want to tell people where they can find you, how they can support?

• 1:21:29Speaker 01

  Oh, please, I would love to. I have a brand new podcast out that I'm really psyched about called Spaced Out.

• 1:21:36Speaker 00

  Haven't been asked to be on it, by the way. Keep going.

• 1:21:38Speaker 01

  I'd love to have you on literally any fucking time you're available. Space Out with Blair Socci, I think you'll love it, a lot of fun. And I'm on tour ongoing the rest of the year. I post everything at Blair Socci, B L A I R S O C C I, blairsocki.com.

• 1:21:56Speaker 00

  Love ya, thanks for doing it.

• 1:21:58Speaker 01

  Thank you.