The communal nut bowl, trust issues and Celebrity Gladiators!

On Shagged Married Annoyed this week Chris and Rosie are back from their holidays and are celebrating their 12 year wedding anniversary! They discuss trust issues, true crime, communal food and kids making friends on holiday! There's also some air con wars, an unfortunate game of cornhole, Stuart Little 2 chat and Rosie announces that it's National Lip Stick Day! All of this plus Beefs, a fabulous voice note and some great Questions from the Public! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [email protected] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Coming up on this week's episode of Shag Married Annoyed.

• 0:02Speaker 01

  It's the summer holidays and we're complaining about them.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  Roll on September. I'm kidding. It's okay. It's fine. I'm sure. We've been on actual holiday. We've got updates about that. Rosie's been very poorly abroad.

• 0:12Speaker 01

  Poorly, poorly, mate.

• 0:13Speaker 00

  It was horrible. It was horrible.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  Apparently I don't trust anybody.

• 0:17Speaker 00

  Especially me.

• 0:17Speaker 01

  Well, no.

• 0:19Speaker 00

  No, you're a very suspicious, suspicious little squirrel these days.

• 0:22Speaker 01

  You've got to be.

• 0:23Speaker 00

  Nah, you're listening to too many true crimes.

• 0:24Speaker 01

  Maybe.

• 0:25Speaker 00

  We've got holiday beefs.

• 0:27Speaker 01

  And also we've got questions from you gorgeous lot listening. So thank you so much.

• 0:31Speaker 00

  Enjoy.

• 0:33Speaker 02

  When fall comes back around, there's a sense of a reset and new pieces from Lululemon's fall drop are an inspiration to push your goals and elevate your routines. As your calendar fills, easy to layer styles meet the demands of your day. And as you challenge yourself to try even more, versatile sets transition with you. The Lululemon fall lineup brings new levels of comfort and confidence, whether you're starting something fresh or starting something over. Check out the latest arrivals in store and on lululemon.com now.

• 1:03Speaker 01

  Hello, you all listening and possibly watching Shag Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey and my husband, Christopher Ramsey.

• 1:09Speaker 00

  Hello, hello.

• 1:10Speaker 01

  Which we have just celebrated our 12 year wedding anniversary.

• 1:14Speaker 00

  We have indeed.

• 1:15Speaker 01

  Isn't that mad?

• 1:16Speaker 00

  12 years is silly.

• 1:18Speaker 01

  Like, I was thinking the other day, if we stayed married.

• 1:22Speaker 00

  Great.

• 1:22Speaker 01

  Fingers crossed. We're not that far off. You know, when people are like 25 years? That'll be crazy.

• 1:29Speaker 00

  Well, I mean, we are. We're not even halfway to 25 years.

• 1:32Speaker 01

  We're not. We're close. 12 years. That's the longest I've ever done anything in my entire life. That is the longest. You, other than like me, ma'am and me sister and my brother and my dad and that, that's the longest commitment I have ever had.

• 1:44Speaker 00

  Well, I'm honoured. Thank you.

• 1:46Speaker 01

  You're welcome.

• 1:46Speaker 00

  Thank you very, very much.

• 1:47Speaker 01

  It's a big deal.

• 1:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's pretty good.

• 1:49Speaker 01

  I'm buzzing. And like, we're happy, which is nice.

• 1:52Speaker 00

  And we're still, and we'll do this as well, which is crazy.

• 1:55Speaker 01

  Crazy.

• 1:56Speaker 00

  But you know, we'll get to a point, I think if we both live long enough and we're both still together. I love how we don't want to jinx it as well, like touching wood and fucking all kinds of stuff. We'll get to a point where we've been together longer than we've not been.

• 2:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, I was thinking that, but me maths brain didn't work.

• 2:10Speaker 00

  Ah, yeah, I can't work it out either.

• 2:11Speaker 01

  We will though, won't we?

• 2:12Speaker 00

  Yeah. So we've got together one more 20, we've got together one more 26, 26, 27. So we have to have been together for 28 years, 27 years.

• 2:21Speaker 01

  And then we can say we've known each other longer than.

• 2:23Speaker 00

  Been together longer than we've not been. Yeah, all that shit.

• 2:26Speaker 01

  Oh, that's nice.

• 2:27Speaker 00

  I'm not going to be an old as fuck and talking about that.

• 2:29Speaker 01

  Congrats.

• 2:30Speaker 00

  Congrats. 12 years. Very well done. Everyone out there, hope you're all happy. Hope you're all well. If you're in a relationship and it's more than 12 years, bloody well done. If it's less than 12 years, still well done. If you're single and happy, still well done.

• 2:42Speaker 01

  Take a minute.

• 2:43Speaker 00

  Exactly.

• 2:43Speaker 01

  And just to let you all know, sorry, another really.

• 2:46Speaker 00

  I was just going to get really professional and rattle straight in with everything there, but go on, go on, go on, waffle on.

• 2:50Speaker 01

  I've just had an email and I didn't know it.

• 2:52Speaker 00

  Congratulations.

• 2:52Speaker 01

  It's, it's National Lipstick Day today.

• 2:55Speaker 00

  As in when a dog gets excited or?

• 2:57Speaker 01

  No, the one you actually, the makeup that you apply to your lips.

• 3:00Speaker 00

  Not interested then.

• 3:01Speaker 01

  Well, how's your, what's National Lipstick Day? Who made that up?

• 3:05Speaker 00

  Lipstick companies.

• 3:06Speaker 01

  Fucking load of bullshit.

• 3:07Speaker 00

  A hundred percent, a hundred percent lipstick companies.

• 3:09Speaker 01

  Well, I've been asked if I want to buy some on my email, so.

• 3:12Speaker 00

  Have you bought any?

• 3:13Speaker 01

  I might, you know.

• 3:13Speaker 00

  Well, there we go. And that's what they've done.

• 3:15Speaker 01

  It sparked.

• 3:16Speaker 00

  Yeah. Do you know, hold on. I've just, what's my, I've got my calendar here. Hold on.

• 3:21Speaker 01

  What?

• 3:22Speaker 00

  It is.

• 3:23Speaker 01

  What?

• 3:24Speaker 00

  Tomorrow is International by your husband or Scotty Cameron putter day.

• 3:30Speaker 01

  Oh, is this what you've sent us for your birthday?

• 3:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, but it's all, but it's all, but it's tomorrow, the day, it's International by Scotty Cameron putter, tomorrow. So you'd have to think of something else for your birthday. You have to get the Scotty Cameron.

• 3:41Speaker 01

  You're just really upsetting about that. I've already bought you quite a lot of stuff already.

• 3:45Speaker 00

  Wow. Wow. The big four O, eh? Putting a cap, putting a cap on the big four O.

• 3:50Speaker 01

  Maybe.

• 3:51Speaker 00

  Listen, I'll go and get it myself.

• 3:52Speaker 01

  No, I'll get you.

• 3:53Speaker 00

  I'll get it myself.

• 3:54Speaker 01

  I have already bought you stuff.

• 3:55Speaker 00

  I'll get it myself. I get to go in, I get to talk to the guys in the golf shop. It's quite fun. It's okay. I might need fitted for it. You never know. If they fitted for you, it'll come, it'll be like a little, little matchstick. Here's, here's, here's the putter from Stuart Little Two.

• 4:10Speaker 01

  Bloody good film.

• 4:11Speaker 00

  Is there a two?

• 4:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:13Speaker 00

  Is there?

• 4:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:14Speaker 00

  Are you sure?

• 4:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:16Speaker 00

  I'm not thinking of Mouse Hunt. There's no Mouse Hunt Two, but there is a Stuart Little Two.

• 4:20Speaker 01

  I'm sure there's a Stuart Little Two. I love Stuart Little.

• 4:23Speaker 00

  Did you? I don't think I've ever seen it.

• 4:25Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 4:26Speaker 00

  Bit far fetched for me.

• 4:27Speaker 01

  What, the little mouse?

• 4:28Speaker 00

  Bit unrealistic.

• 4:29Speaker 01

  What do you mean?

• 4:30Speaker 00

  Nah, he wore clothes and that, didn't he? A bit cracking.

• 4:32Speaker 01

  He got adopted. What the fuck? Imagine. You need a sibling that's adopt a mouse. Jesus Christ.

• 4:40Speaker 00

  Mammy and daddy have given up.

• 4:42Speaker 01

  And he was like a grown man. I mean, it's wild when, what, the stuff we used to watch.

• 4:46Speaker 00

  Yeah. Again, I didn't because it sounded like bollocks. Listen, guys, if you are here and you are listening now, thank you so, so much. No matter how long you've been here, if you're brand new, if you've been here for some time, or if you're watching, or if you're just listening, thank you, thank you, thank you. We don't take it for granted at all. Please subscribe. That would be amazing if you're on YouTube especially. And without further ado, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Short, sharp, snappy one this week, Rosie. That's how you get people's attention.

• 5:10Speaker 01

  Stuart Little Two is a, it is a thing.

• 5:12Speaker 00

  You've just Googled Stuart Little Two?

• 5:13Speaker 01

  Is Stuart Little Two better than One?

• 5:15Speaker 00

  Doubt it very much.

• 5:16Speaker 01

  Depends on if you prefer tighter pace, pacing and higher stakes actions are the foundational charm of the first film. So little, little mouse.

• 5:25Speaker 00

  There it is.

• 5:26Speaker 01

  Yep, 2002.

• 5:27Speaker 00

  There's only actually a few, a few, very, very few sequels in the world that are better than the first.

• 5:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:33Speaker 00

  Terminator Two, awful. Terminator Two being one of them, Godfather Two being one of them. And I don't know if that, I can't think of any of those off the top of my head.

• 5:40Speaker 01

  Okay. What were you going to say?

• 5:41Speaker 00

  I was going to say a short, sharp, snappy, but you've completely fucking rerolled that. But it's absolutely fine. This week's sponsor is scratching your foot. Oh, it's itchy, but when I scratch it, it tickles. That's it.

• 5:54Speaker 01

  What do you mean?

• 5:55Speaker 00

  You know, did you ever get itchy foot? And you go, oh, my foot's itchy. But then you scratch it and you go, oh no, I'm tickling myself.

• 6:00Speaker 01

  I'm not that ticklish.

• 6:01Speaker 00

  I am on my feet.

• 6:01Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 6:02Speaker 00

  I've told you before, I've said it before on the podcast. Sometimes on the very rare occasion that I go for a massage, if I'm in a nice hotel or whatever, and they go, is anything we need to avoid? I go, no, it's fine. And then the minute they touch my feet, they nearly kick their fucking teeth out. I go, I forgot to tell you, don't touch my feet.

• 6:15Speaker 01

  Right. My rukka went, you know, and it come back again.

• 6:19Speaker 00

  It went and came back?

• 6:20Speaker 01

  It went and it's come back again.

• 6:22Speaker 00

  I know why that is.

• 6:23Speaker 01

  What?

• 6:24Speaker 00

  I bought it off you for 10 pence, didn't I?

• 6:25Speaker 01

  You never even give us the money?

• 6:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, I did. I transferred it to your bank. But then, I think you bought a meal the other night for us. So the money went back. So it's like I got a refund.

• 6:38Speaker 01

  You owe me that money?

• 6:39Speaker 00

  What are you talking about? It's our money. It's our money until you have to pay for something on your card, then it's your money.

• 6:43Speaker 01

  It's our money. Right. I don't want to get into this publicly.

• 6:48Speaker 00

  Okay, okay. Like, I didn't do it on purpose. My card declined at a meal the other night.

• 6:52Speaker 01

  No, why did your card decline? How embarrassing.

• 6:54Speaker 00

  Because I didn't want to pay for it. I wanted you to pay for it.

• 6:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, but we're joint account. This is, this is actually my fault.

• 7:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:01Speaker 01

  We're joint account, which I have cards for. I haven't set them up and I don't know how to use them.

• 7:05Speaker 00

  Good. Don't, you're not, you're not to be trusted.

• 7:07Speaker 01

  But I've got my own account as well, ladies, because don't trust anyone, especially a man.

• 7:13Speaker 01

  That's all I'm going to say about it. If you're, if you're in a marriage or you're in a relationship where you are leaving everything to your other half, stop. Stop now. Get involved with your finances and find out what's going on.

• 7:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 7:29Speaker 01

  Okay. There's just me warning.

• 7:31Speaker 00

  And remember to set up the cards. That really good.

• 7:34Speaker 01

  I don't need to set up the cards because I know exactly what's going on. I have access to it all. I know what's going on. I know what's happening. Do you know what I mean? I know what the bills are. I know all of that shit. But I just, I don't need to have, I'd just like you to send me money to my account.

• 7:48Speaker 00

  Oh, so we went from feminism. That was, that was, that was a flip. That was a flip and a half. That was, that was sisters, power, power to, you know.

• 7:55Speaker 01

  No, power to the people.

• 7:57Speaker 00

  Shoes on my feet, I've got.

• 7:59Speaker 01

  Whatever we do together gets paid into our joint account. Whatever I do separately gets paid into my account. Whatever you do separately gets paid into our joint account because I'm clever.

• 8:11Speaker 01

  And that's a true story.

• 8:13Speaker 00

  Ah, there it is. There it is. Do you know about how it's itchy foot and you scratch it and it's?

• 8:17Speaker 01

  No, I don't get itchy feet.

• 8:19Speaker 00

  I'm going to think of something else then.

• 8:35Speaker 01

  Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag My Noid. While I was looking up Stuart Little there, doing a bit of research, there was a third one.

• 8:48Speaker 00

  Did you have a bit of research?

• 8:49Speaker 01

  No, but it said.

• 8:51Speaker 00

  You're Googling Stuart Little too? There's a third Stuart Little?

• 8:54Speaker 01

  Yes, but it wasn't a live action movie. They just did it all like animation apparently.

• 9:00Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 9:00Speaker 01

  But then I typed in what, and then on Google, you know, when it comes up with other stuff, what is the most cringe film ever? And it said The Room, but I thought it said Room because Room, the film Room.

• 9:12Speaker 00

  In Room, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 9:14Speaker 01

  The mum and the kid. Okay. Brilliant. I was like, that's not cringe at all. But The Room is the one where that guy made it himself.

• 9:22Speaker 00

  Oh, I did not hit her. I did not.

• 9:24Speaker 01

  Yeah. And then who?

• 9:25Speaker 00

  Harry Mark. Yeah, yeah.

• 9:26Speaker 01

  Who did like a piss take of it?

• 9:28Speaker 00

  Um, James Franco, uh, and then did a remake of the making of the movie.

• 9:33Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 9:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 9:34Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 9:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's crazy.

• 9:36Speaker 01

  Yeah. So that is a cringe. Oh yeah. He was the director, the writer, and he starred in it as well.

• 9:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think.

• 9:41Speaker 01

  Tommy, Tommy Whistle?

• 9:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah. Um, I'm sure there's something of like, no one knew where he got the money for it from. Like, no one knows how he financed it and all that. He's a really odd dude.

• 9:51Speaker 01

  That's a lot of money.

• 9:51Speaker 00

  And there's videos out there as well of him, um, what did he audition for? Was it fucking Superman or Spider-Man? He sent audition tapes in for stuff and they're fucking wild. I don't, personally, I, I don't think you should be able to make people's audition tapes public.

• 10:06Speaker 01

  No, me neither.

• 10:07Speaker 00

  I see them now and then. It's like, oh, here's these people audition for this. And I'm like, that's a bit fucking shitty.

• 10:11Speaker 01

  That's a bit like intrusive, isn't it?

• 10:13Speaker 00

  Ah, look at these twats who didn't get this part. And they're like, they're quite successful now. But you're like, ah, look, you, you didn't get Robocop, you useless fuck.

• 10:19Speaker 01

  It just proves as well though, they all go for the same parts.

• 10:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:23Speaker 01

  The, all the big Hollywood movies. All the big Hollywood movies, they've all tried, like, they've all done it.

• 10:29Speaker 00

  I couldn't think of anything worse than being, I couldn't like, God, being a successful actor and being an actor itself. I mean, I'm sure it's very fulfilling. It's very, you know, and obviously if you get to the top of the league, it's fucking big money. I couldn't, the anxiety, I could just the, have I won? You're basically in a competition every week. Have I won? I've gone for the auditions. You hear them talk about it, massive matters. And they're like, oh, still go for audition. You go, ah, obviously your De Niro's and that, they're just ringing them and go, Bobby, are you free? Boom.

• 10:54Speaker 01

  This leads us gorgeously on another topic which I've wrote down.

• 10:58Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 10:58Speaker 01

  Um, obviously, oh, sorry about that. That was just a.

• 11:03Speaker 00

  You know what you sounded like? You remember them rubber things that are like little, like little domes and you turn them around and you put them and you're waiting and then they went bonk and flicked off.

• 11:10Speaker 01

  What a fucking shit childhood we had. From that being a toy you play with for hours.

• 11:14Speaker 00

  I'm getting one of them.

• 11:15Speaker 01

  What, Tiddlywinks? God, I'm about easily pleased.

• 11:18Speaker 00

  I never did Tiddlywinks because I wasn't live during the war. Um, but I did do them.

• 11:21Speaker 01

  Eh, Tiddlywinks?

• 11:22Speaker 00

  I didn't do Tiddlywinks, like.

• 11:24Speaker 01

  We used to play Tiddlywinks all the time with me grandad.

• 11:26Speaker 00

  There it is. There it is.

• 11:27Speaker 01

  Fair enough. Um, I was on TikTok.

• 11:31Speaker 00

  No.

• 11:31Speaker 01

  I loved, well, do you know we put our videos on TikTok, right? And they don't get very good views on TikTok because apparently you have to be like really active on there.

• 11:40Speaker 00

  Fuck that.

• 11:41Speaker 01

  Because if not, they think you're just a bot. So I'm just like posting stuff out thinking, well, you know, whatever, these are videos. So now I've actively had to be like active on there and I'm liking stuff and I'm commenting on stuff.

• 11:52Speaker 00

  It's almost like these algorithms, rhythms and these apps will only reward you if you spend your whole fucking life on them and pour your heart and soul into them.

• 12:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:01Speaker 00

  That's odd. Why would they do that?

• 12:02Speaker 01

  How strange. But anyway, I've been watching a lot of videos and when I watch a video of someone doing a job, I'm arrogant, right? And I don't know if it's an ADHD thing and I go, I could do that. More honestly, most of the stuff on there, I'm like, private chef, yeah, I could do that. You know, like running this, doing that. Yeah, I could do that. One job, honestly, and this is no disrespect to anyone who's got that job or anyone who runs this business. Um, this is me literally.

• 12:29Speaker 00

  Oh, you're doffing, you're doffing your cap.

• 12:30Speaker 01

  I'm kind of like, yeah, that what you said.

• 12:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:33Speaker 01

  I could not run a bakery.

• 12:36Speaker 00

  Oh God. Oh God, no. I could be, have you seen people, have you seen people make a croissant? Have you seen a croissant being made?

• 12:42Speaker 01

  It's not even that crazy.

• 12:43Speaker 00

  Fucking madness.

• 12:43Speaker 01

  They're literally like, come, come spend the day with me at my bakery. It's like four o'clock in the afternoon and they're there till like six o'clock in the morning. Just making fucking bread and that. And then, and then it's just so exhausting. Just a lot. It's intense. And then, and then they see, they make all these batches of stuff, but actually when they cook it all, it's not really that much. Then they've got to wait for it all to cool down. It's just very time consuming.

• 13:08Speaker 00

  Well, they go in at like three o'clock, four o'clock in the morning.

• 13:11Speaker 01

  Well, some of them do overnight. So some of them will do overnight and then leave it for the people who come in the morning. Or they'll start at four o'clock in the morning until, and I'm just.

• 13:19Speaker 00

  I never understood how the guy, the dad of 22 children in County or whatever it's called.

• 13:23Speaker 01

  Well.

• 13:24Speaker 00

  I'd never understood how he had a bakery.

• 13:25Speaker 01

  21 kids in County.

• 13:26Speaker 00

  Yeah. How, how did he run a bakery as well? Although then again, yeah, if I had 22 kids in the house.

• 13:31Speaker 01

  That's the only time I'd have a bakery.

• 13:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, actually, yeah.

• 13:33Speaker 01

  I'd be like, sorry, can't do any of the night feeds. Got to, got to go make them pies. Oh, he was loving it. He's joking.

• 13:38Speaker 00

  Croissants aren't going to fold themselves in butter.

• 13:41Speaker 01

  I think he slept there. Rafe asked, was it Rafe or Robin who asked about that yesterday?

• 13:46Speaker 00

  Robin.

• 13:46Speaker 01

  Right. Me and Robin used to watch it together. He was fascinated. He doesn't believe that they're all their kids.

• 13:50Speaker 00

  He doesn't believe they're all their kids. He thinks they're right.

• 13:52Speaker 01

  No, he said it in the car yesterday. He went, you know, 21 kids in County. I was like, yeah.

• 13:55Speaker 00

  Out of nowhere, by the way.

• 13:56Speaker 01

  Out of nowhere. And he literally went, that's not all their kids though, is it? I was like, it is fully, because they want a sibling, don't they?

• 14:03Speaker 00

  Our children want a sibling.

• 14:04Speaker 01

  Our children currently want a brother or sister.

• 14:07Speaker 00

  Off.

• 14:08Speaker 01

  Do you know if they want nicer, I would have another one.

• 14:11Speaker 00

  Oh, just up to you, is it?

• 14:14Speaker 00

  Just your choice.

• 14:14Speaker 01

  I've done it again. That's a new thing. Oh God.

• 14:17Speaker 00

  Will you stop clacking? Jesus.

• 14:21Speaker 01

  Um, do, okay. So if I really want another kid, would you say no? You didn't really want kids anyway.

• 14:28Speaker 00

  Nah, fair enough. You've won there. Yeah, yeah. And you know what? Hand on heart, still don't want them.

• 14:33Speaker 01

  No, I, I, I could.

• 14:34Speaker 00

  I'm joking. It's the summer holidays talking.

• 14:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know. We're just a bit overwhelmed. We've been on holiday, guys. Been on holiday?

• 14:39Speaker 00

  Been on holiday.

• 14:40Speaker 01

  Bloody lovely, wasn't it?

• 14:42Speaker 00

  It was lovely. And I've worked, I've written a couple of things down, right? Because I've worked out, um, these are just little notes that I wrote while I was on holiday.

• 14:47Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 14:48Speaker 00

  And I've, I've worked out.

• 14:49Speaker 01

  Because you were in a great mood.

• 14:51Speaker 00

  Oh, it was horrible. Um, and I'll tell you why it's horrible. Uh, I've worked out why on holiday, why it's so tough on holiday when you go on holiday with your kids, right? Because we're in a family resort. When you go to a family resort, obviously I'm not talking, Christ, if you listen to this and you go on, you know, the two of you go away to some kind of retreat in, in the hills of Italy. And there's a spa and it's just you and your partner. I'm not talking about that holiday. That holiday is amazing. I'm talking about a holiday when you go with kids to the pool, to the resort and all of that. One of the main problems was I'm sitting on the pool and not only are my kids being a pair of dickheads, but I have to watch other people's kids being a pair of dick, being a collection of dickheads as well.

• 15:30Speaker 00

  And it's like all of the adults and all of the kids are on the pool. I'm lying there and as soon as you settle your kids down, some other kid fucking starts screaming and shouting around the thing. And I'm just like, and now and then I like, when you're a parent, you figure yourself parenting other people's kids, you see like a little four year old walking around the side of the pool and you're like, who the fuck, who's watching this kid? It's not a holiday. It's like being a fucking lifeguard for a week.

• 15:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:48Speaker 00

  It's awful.

• 15:49Speaker 01

  My mate the other day was telling us that they went on holiday and there was, you know how we told about the little girl who nearly drowned?

• 15:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 15:55Speaker 01

  They also were in a similar situation.

• 15:57Speaker 00

  Brilliant.

• 15:58Speaker 01

  Just parents sat on their phone and their kids just lit and leg drowned and like, what the fuck?

• 16:01Speaker 00

  And another thing, what, the buffet breakfast on holiday, what is going on with that kid's table?

• 16:07Speaker 01

  Oh, do, I've said this before.

• 16:09Speaker 00

  Right. Again, with our kids would go up to breakfast, they'd come back with a fucking waffle, a donut, a fucking marshmallow.

• 16:15Speaker 01

  No, they never had a donut. I would not have let them get a donut. They were there though. They were there. Yeah.

• 16:19Speaker 00

  The try.

• 16:20Speaker 01

  Oh, Robin gave me four marshmallows one day. I was like, I think they're for decoration.

• 16:24Speaker 00

  I got them out of a jar. I was like, I think they've been there every morning. No one eats them. They're just like, that's just a, yeah, that's an ornament that you're eating there.

• 16:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:31Speaker 00

  Come out with a fucking handful of poor fury. But like, that's another thing as well. So all the kids are having, I'm watching all these kids, everyone around the tables, pancakes, syrup, Nutella.

• 16:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:41Speaker 00

  Cereal. And then guess what? In an hour and a half, they're all on the pool, sugar crash, being a bunch of.

• 16:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:47Speaker 00

  Twats.

• 16:47Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 16:48Speaker 00

  God. Also, I, I came up with a theory as well. So if you're on holiday, so because of our age gap, it's almost like we've got two only children.

• 16:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:56Speaker 00

  Because Rafe won't play with the same kids that Robin plays with. So it's like, it's like trying to find friends for two different age groups of kids. And everyone who listens to the podcast regularly and who's read the book that we did, you'll know my, my system for making kids, making friends with kids on holiday when I was an only child was pretty fucking foolproof, but pretty pathetic. I think round the pool, they should, because perverts, swingers and, and all these perverts, they've all got different signals that do, you know, they go to these parties and they stick these stickers on themselves, you know? There should be a really wholesome, simple one that you do round the pool where you're on your sunbeds. It should be something like hang a towel over your umbrella or do something. If you've got a child who wants to make friends.

• 17:37Speaker 01

  Right.

• 17:38Speaker 00

  It should be, you know what it is?

• 17:40Speaker 01

  They need it, you know.

• 17:40Speaker 00

  There should be a little flag, just a little flag.

• 17:42Speaker 01

  Do you know in schools, they've got a little bench, they have a bench, like a make a friend bench. If you're feeling a bit lonely and you need to talk to someone, you go sit on the bench. And hopefully another child will come up and play with you. They need to have a sunbed.

• 17:54Speaker 00

  And make your friends sunbed.

• 17:55Speaker 01

  They lose their sunbed.

• 17:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, but like.

• 17:57Speaker 01

  But I've got no mate's sunbed.

• 17:58Speaker 00

  You've got your little, sometimes, I don't know, you've got like a little, I don't know, on the table next to the thing. You've got maybe an ashtray or a little thing, a QR code for the menu or whatever. Little flag, just a little red flag. And you put a little red flag at the bottom of your sunbed.

• 18:09Speaker 01

  And your kids sat there going.

• 18:10Speaker 00

  Oh, oh, look, there's a sunbed over there. They, they've got, oh, how old's that child? Oh, eight. Oh, go and play with them.

• 18:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:15Speaker 00

  God, watching him roam around the pool trying to make friends, brought back full on trauma for me.

• 18:19Speaker 01

  Me and me mum were so upset, like not upset, just so tense. It ruined one of me days on holiday because we'd got to day three or four, I think, were there for a week and he hadn't made a friend. And we were like, oh bless God, love him. Because everybody else goes to the kids' club. They won't go to kids' club.

• 18:34Speaker 00

  They won't go.

• 18:35Speaker 01

  And I kept saying to him, I went, they've all met each other at kids' club. If you went for a fucking, you went for two hours, you'd meet them all.

• 18:39Speaker 00

  Robin, you want to meet some kids? If only there was some kind of group or dare I say at a club where all the kids went to.

• 18:46Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 18:47Speaker 00

  Riddle me this.

• 18:49Speaker 01

  Anyway, um, so this one day, there was a group of kids playing together and I said to him, I went, Robin, I went, and I, do you know what? I'm so proud of them actually. I'm so proud of them. I went to him, I went, Robin, I went, now or never. You've, you've got, you've got three days left, son. You know, four, whatever it was. I went, go, go over there and just say, can I play with yous? And I went, if, and he went, well, what if they say no? I went, if they say no, I went, I will pack up our sunbeds and we'll go to the beach. I was, I was literally like, I will pack all of our stuff up.

• 19:22Speaker 00

  What a walk of shame that is.

• 19:24Speaker 01

  Don't care. I said to him, I was like, I don't care. If they say no, if they say no, then they're horrible for one, but also.

• 19:31Speaker 00

  This is awkward because I said to him, if they say no, I'll fight all their dads.

• 19:34Speaker 01

  Well, obviously that's, that's your parent and this is mine. But I said, and he went, right. And he did. And, and that, watching him try to gratiate himself in that group for the rest of the afternoon.

• 19:43Speaker 00

  I mean, he stalked them children around the pool for a couple of hours.

• 19:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, but then, then.

• 19:47Speaker 00

  Yeah. Then you had a big group of friends and you had a lovely time.

• 19:49Speaker 01

  Then he had, then he was buzzing.

• 19:51Speaker 00

  And didn't want to do any of the things we had planned because my friends are around the pool.

• 19:54Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. And then I had to stay everywhere.

• 19:56Speaker 00

  After tea, they're going to the park. They're not, man. They're not.

• 19:59Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. That's the only thing. Robin makes a friend on holiday, then our holiday becomes him.

• 20:04Speaker 00

  Stalking the friend and we have to just knock around with our friend constantly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's almost like we can't enjoy nice things when you've got kids.

• 20:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, you can't, but I absolutely adore them. And this holidays, I'm trying to be really positive and actually like not be daunted every day with like, what we're gonna do and just enjoy their company because when we're not with them, we miss them.

• 20:27Speaker 00

  Exactly. So if you're listening now and you're currently surviving the summer holidays, hang in there.

• 20:33Speaker 01

  I know. I know.

• 20:39Speaker 03

  Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lululemon fall drop because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it. Lululemon's fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces. So I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece and head out, knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at lululemon.com.

• 21:09Speaker 00

  Now, when the summer holidays are over, when the kids go back to school. We're only, we're only like, get them back. When they go back to school, I will be going back to school as well. Slash work, slash on tour. So it's literally a month away, guys. So if you'd like, there's still some tickets available. Probably for the fact that I did say the last time that I would never extend it and never add any more dates, which I have. So I just wanted to say, I go out on September the 10th and I'm going all over the UK. Where, Chris? I'll tell you Norwich, Ipswich, Stoke, Liverpool, Sunderland, Hull, Derby, Stockton into October. This is, I'm channeling Steve Wright, legend, rest in peace from Radio 2, who used to read all your dates. Bradford, Manchester, Scunthorpe, Redden, Stevenage, Guildford, Plymouth, Turo for Cornwall.

• 21:53Speaker 00

  Hmm. Gonna be warm down there. Cardiff, Bath, Blackpool, Glasgow, Peterborough, Coventry, Leicester, Southend, Grimsby, York, Brighton, Nottingham, Canterbury, Milton Keynes, Darlington, Darlington, two of them, Tunbridge Wells, Aylesbury, Birmingham, Lincoln, Sheffield, Leeds, Buxton, while running a red light and speeding.

• 22:11Speaker 01

  Oh, is that Jim Carrey? Well done. No. And do you know what? I've seen it. It's a very good show.

• 22:18Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 22:19Speaker 01

  It is. It's the best one I think you've ever done.

• 22:21Speaker 00

  ChrisFamsyComedy.com for tickets.

• 22:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think you'll thoroughly enjoy it. Is it selling well?

• 22:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, really well. It's just, there's always some available, you know, there's always some, some, just put me Stanley on the floor. There's always some tickets available. It's good. I could go out and play them all now and they'd be nice gigs, but I'd like them to be packed with the rafters.

• 22:35Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 22:36Speaker 00

  And if they're not, shame on everyone listening. I'm joking.

• 22:39Speaker 01

  I would like them to be packed. And where will the money from the tour? Which account will I be going?

• 22:42Speaker 00

  A new account that I've set up just for me.

• 22:44Speaker 01

  Don't you dare. I'll find out. I'll have a meeting with the accountant. It's called What's Chris Up Do?

• 22:49Speaker 00

  Different accountant. Got a different one.

• 22:51Speaker 01

  Don't, because people do this. Don't you fucking dare, because people do this behind people's backs.

• 22:55Speaker 00

  He's based.

• 22:55Speaker 01

  If you ever screw me over, I will, I will fuck your life up. Oh, I read a comment the other day and somebody said, I think it was on TikTok. They were like, why does, why is she so horrible to him about me?

• 23:06Speaker 00

  Oh, thank you.

• 23:08Speaker 01

  And I was, oh, get lost.

• 23:09Speaker 00

  No, quite right. See, the people, the people are saying you for what you really are.

• 23:14Speaker 01

  I'm due on.

• 23:15Speaker 00

  You're always fucking.

• 23:16Speaker 01

  Oh, exactly. My periods ruined my life. Why am I horrible to them? Because my periods.

• 23:21Speaker 00

  But I'm quite like, I take the piss out of you quite a lot on this podcast. Like behind closed doors, we're not horrible to each other. The clips.

• 23:27Speaker 01

  The clips just make us look a bit worse, but I don't give a shit what you're gonna do.

• 23:30Speaker 00

  There it is. What are you gonna do?

• 23:32Speaker 01

  You love it. You love it. But don't hide money from us.

• 23:35Speaker 00

  Listen, don't worry.

• 23:36Speaker 01

  Don't, no, don't. People do it. It's called, it's got a name now.

• 23:40Speaker 00

  Money hiding.

• 23:40Speaker 01

  No, it's like, you know how you've got like in a, in a relationship, there's like abuse, like domestic abuse and there's like emotional abuse. This is actually, I think it's just financial abuse.

• 23:50Speaker 00

  Financial abuse.

• 23:50Speaker 01

  I think so. Yeah, it's a genuine thing. It's a proper, fully blown thing. So if you dare try to hide money from me, maybe I should hide money from you.

• 23:59Speaker 00

  Good luck with that. I'm like a fucking, like a sniffer talking, nothing happens in this house without me knowing.

• 24:03Speaker 01

  I could. Easy.

• 24:05Speaker 00

  Nah, good luck. Like be fucking, you've got no chance.

• 24:08Speaker 01

  Oh, but I don't trust any, I don't trust you, you know?

• 24:11Speaker 00

  You've watched too many documentaries and listened to too many things. I've told you, man, it's a massive red flag in a relationship to someone who just watches loads of, you watch the most outrageous, outrageous things and you watch so many of them that you're like, well, everyone buries their fucking partner in the garden. No, they don't. Less than 0.0000001% of people do these things and they're so fantastical. That's why they make TV shows and podcasts about them.

• 24:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, but also, I live a life.

• 24:39Speaker 00

  Right.

• 24:41Speaker 01

  And I've got friends who go, oh, my mates, such and such, this happened to such and such. It's not just all about programmes.

• 24:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:47Speaker 01

  People are rotten.

• 24:48Speaker 00

  People are rotten on the whole.

• 24:49Speaker 01

  Uh huh. And I don't trust anybody.

• 24:51Speaker 00

  Yes, but I'm not rotten and you should trust me. And there's certain cupboards and mattresses that you can't look under in this house. And I've got good reasons for that, which I will divulge it later.

• 24:59Speaker 01

  I don't thi, um, do you fully trust me?

• 25:02Speaker 00

  Um, with money and the safety of our children and our future and me heart, yes. If there's crisps in the cupboards, no.

• 25:19Speaker 00

  With me money and me future and me health, yes. With a pack of fucking salt and vinegar Pringles, absolutely not. I wouldn't take me eyes off you.

• 25:26Speaker 01

  Let's stop buying them. But the Ben's got packed lunches for his little summer camps.

• 25:29Speaker 00

  Alright, okay.

• 25:30Speaker 01

  And they're there. I know that I had a pack of french fries this morning.

• 25:32Speaker 00

  Worst crisps in the world, I'm sorry.

• 25:33Speaker 01

  Why? Oh, I love them, mate.

• 25:35Speaker 00

  Like polystyrene packing, vile. I can't, I can't touch them.

• 25:39Speaker 01

  I think, I mean, have they even got potatoes in?

• 25:40Speaker 00

  Look, yes, I will eat me words when French fries try and sponsor the podcast and I have to go back on all of this because, you know, fuck it. But I, I can't bear them.

• 25:49Speaker 01

  Right.

• 25:50Speaker 00

  They are like, if you do them tiers that you see on the internet, fucking Z tier crisps.

• 25:55Speaker 01

  Oh, I love them. Oh, they're, they're like, aye, yeah, I love them, mate.

• 25:59Speaker 00

  Really?

• 26:00Speaker 01

  Yeah. By the way, I'm sorry, I do trust you to an extent. I just don't think you should ever fully, fully trust anyone.

• 26:07Speaker 00

  Okay. So you don't fully trust us?

• 26:08Speaker 01

  No, I don't fully, I don't honestly really fully trust anyone. I think.

• 26:12Speaker 00

  Do you fully trust yourself?

• 26:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:14Speaker 00

  Oh, that's a big mistake.

• 26:15Speaker 01

  No, I just, I don't know. Maybe I'm just a bit, I'm a bit like,

• 26:22Speaker 01

  oh, God. I don't, no, I don't know. I don't know. I think there'll be people listening to this who, who sort of agree. I think it's just.

• 26:29Speaker 00

  Well, I mean, to be fair, even just on this podcast, and we're not like a crime podcast, we've had some horrible ones where people.

• 26:33Speaker 01

  This is what I'm saying. But I do, but genuinely, I live with you, I share my life with you. I do trust you. I do trust you. But the minute if you ever.

• 26:42Speaker 00

  Will be your downfall.

• 26:43Speaker 01

  Exactly. This is what I'm, no, don't, don't. If you fucking ever screw me over.

• 26:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:48Speaker 01

  You will live to regret it.

• 26:49Speaker 00

  Nah, you'll never find us. I'll be gone. Be on a little island somewhere. Just me and the kids. I'm not, I wouldn't do it to the kids. I'm joking.

• 26:56Speaker 01

  I was gonna say, that's one thing I'll never worry about. You know, and people, well, there's horrible, there's horrible stories of people who split up and the husbands want full custody. That's something I will never have to worry about.

• 27:07Speaker 00

  Want your head looking at, you want your head looking at me. Are you mad?

• 27:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you know why they do it?

• 27:11Speaker 00

  Just as an attack.

• 27:12Speaker 01

  Just to, just to.

• 27:14Speaker 00

  Punish them.

• 27:15Speaker 01

  Punish their, their wives. I know, it might, do you know what it is? It's not even documentaries. It's Real Housewives. I watch too much stuff.

• 27:21Speaker 00

  They're not on this planet. We're busy watching documentaries, but we're halfway through. What's that one?

• 27:25Speaker 01

  The Netflix one, it's, what's it called?

• 27:28Speaker 00

  Toxic.

• 27:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, we've only watched half of it. Yeah. I'm telling you, man, you need to get.

• 27:33Speaker 00

  Nearly stayed up past 11 watching that. It nearly, well, no, we did. We stayed up past 11, nearly did a midnight one and then we reined ourselves in.

• 27:39Speaker 01

  You need to get on the documentary and I've just watched a great one on iPlayer, Mother of All Cons. Brilliant. Brilliant.

• 27:47Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 27:47Speaker 01

  Imagine what that's about.

• 27:48Speaker 00

  A mother conning people?

• 27:51Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, brain tumor.

• 27:52Speaker 00

  Oh, pretending, honestly.

• 27:54Speaker 01

  Kid.

• 27:55Speaker 00

  Honestly.

• 27:56Speaker 01

  Sick.

• 27:57Speaker 00

  Honestly, people who pretend they're ill.

• 28:00Speaker 01

  Well, the, the mom's basically, I don't want to ruin it for you.

• 28:03Speaker 00

  Don't give anything away.

• 28:04Speaker 01

  It's really good. If you like documentaries, it's a three parter on iPlayer. It's mint.

• 28:10Speaker 00

  I like a three parter.

• 28:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, I like a three parter.

• 28:12Speaker 00

  I don't like a, he has 10, he has 10 hours, 10 episodes. By the way, we don't really know what happened.

• 28:17Speaker 01

  Oh, no, you find out everything in this.

• 28:18Speaker 00

  The staircase, again, to mention the staircase. I'll never forgive the people who made that. It's more, more, more so for that scene where they're all eating takeaway.

• 28:26Speaker 01

  I just watched a documentary the other week as well, which I have put off watching because the cover photo of it looked so bad.

• 28:33Speaker 00

  You judge a book by its cover?

• 28:34Speaker 01

  I did. And I've never watched it. And I watched it and I was like, this is class.

• 28:38Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 28:38Speaker 01

  The Fox Hollow, Fox Hollow Murders.

• 28:41Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 28:42Speaker 01

  It's got a daft, stupid mannequin on the front, like, and I just thought, what the, what is this? What, what mannequins? Never, it's got nothing to do with mannequins.

• 28:51Speaker 00

  Right.

• 28:51Speaker 01

  It's absolutely class.

• 28:52Speaker 00

  It had a picture of a fox, to be honest.

• 28:54Speaker 01

  It had nothing to do with foxes.

• 28:55Speaker 00

  Would you have watched it if it had a picture of a fox?

• 28:58Speaker 01

  I'd have watched it if it had a picture of the man that was apparently doing it.

• 29:03Speaker 00

  Right.

• 29:03Speaker 01

  And like at the swimming pool, a swimming pool. I'd have watched that.

• 29:07Speaker 00

  I've seen, yeah, I've seen bits of that, yeah. Have you seen Dirty John?

• 29:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:13Speaker 00

  Guys, my favourite thing, and Rosie doesn't react to it anymore, but my favourite thing when anyone tells you they like crime podcasts or documentaries, just ask them if they've seen Dirty John. It fucking drives people insane. It drives people wild. Because, because it's the first ever most popular one.

• 29:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:31Speaker 00

  That's literally going, I'm such a foodie. And going, do you like, have you tried bread? Bread's fucking lush. Have you tried bread?

• 29:38Speaker 01

  Have you ever dipped bread in olive oil?

• 29:40Speaker 00

  You can do bread, but you put butter on bread. They do brown and white.

• 29:43Speaker 01

  Mad.

• 29:43Speaker 00

  Honestly, go to the shop this afternoon and they do brown. Have you heard of eggs? It's fucking white spit right off.

• 29:53Speaker 00

  I've just done a sniff up and it really hurt me nose, me left nostril. I don't know what I've done. I think I've deviated something.

• 29:59Speaker 00

  This is it. This is the end.

• 30:00Speaker 01

  Deviated the septum.

• 30:01Speaker 00

  Deviated the septum.

• 30:03Speaker 01

  It's the least gladiator I think I've ever heard.

• 30:08Speaker 01

  Behind the scenes, we're just about to drop into the podcast that Chris is doing Celebrity Gladiators while he complains that he's sniffed and he thinks he's got a deviated septum.

• 30:17Speaker 00

  I've hurt me left nostril.

• 30:18Speaker 01

  Jesus Christ.

• 30:19Speaker 00

  But it's clear. It hurt, but is this?

• 30:25Speaker 01

  I'm cured.

• 30:26Speaker 00

  I'm cured. This is weird. Sorry, everyone. You just haven't listened to a sniff for a bit. Listen, I'm doing Celebrity Gladiators.

• 30:31Speaker 01

  Yay.

• 30:32Speaker 00

  It's been announced today.

• 30:33Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 30:33Speaker 00

  Yes. Very exciting. Watch it when I was a kid. My God. I can't get to do the travel later in that.

• 30:39Speaker 01

  I know. Just don't hurt yourself.

• 30:41Speaker 00

  I'll a hundred percent hurt myself. I will a hundred percent be hurt. I will, I will, I will be limping or in pain somehow when I get home.

• 30:51Speaker 01

  We've got nothing booked for when you, so, okay, fair enough. All right, great.

• 30:55Speaker 00

  I'll just tell them.

• 30:56Speaker 01

  Have a lovely time. I think you'll do well. I think, I genuinely think you'll do really well. You're, you're much fitter now than you ever used to be.

• 31:02Speaker 00

  Well, famous last words.

• 31:03Speaker 01

  No, you do. I showed my-

• 31:05Speaker 00

  There's no nostril based games, so I should be okay.

• 31:07Speaker 01

  I showed my mates a picture of you when we were on holiday and you had no top on and my friend was like, eh, when did Chris get abs? And I went, actually, he's just recently got them, so. No, they've always been there. Just more defined. Well done. Congratulations.

• 31:19Speaker 00

  I'm looking forward to it. It's gonna be fun.

• 31:22Speaker 01

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba.

• 31:24Speaker 00

  It's time for what's your beef?

• 31:26Speaker 01

  What's your beef?

• 31:27Speaker 00

  What's your beef?

• 31:29Speaker 01

  Eh, I've got a few.

• 31:30Speaker 00

  No way. Cause we spend so much time together.

• 31:32Speaker 01

  That guy on TikTok's gonna love this.

• 31:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. Why is she so nasty to him? Come on then.

• 31:36Speaker 01

  No, I don't know.

• 31:38Speaker 00

  I think, can I just say as well on that, on the, on the, on the point of why is she so nasty? I think we talk quite frankly to each other.

• 31:46Speaker 01

  Oh, massively.

• 31:46Speaker 00

  Sometimes the funniest clips is when you're having a go at me. I think if it was the other way around, if we just put, cause, cause the clips are, the clips are the clips. But obviously people listen to this loads and know where we'll have a go. I think we'll fight, we'll hold our own quite well.

• 31:58Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 31:58Speaker 00

  But if mainly the clips that went out were just me berating you on the internet, I don't think that would go that well. So, yeah.

• 32:05Speaker 01

  And also, I don't know, I like to think that I'm a modern woman who lives in the world and I've got a lot of friends who are in similar situations. And this is how we talk. This is like, and I'm sure you do with your friends, like this is, yeah. And, you know, in modern life, like, this is the crack. And, you know, it's a podcast where we get together once a week and we're, we're sitting down. We don't talk to each other like this in normal life. We're not sitting going, and, oh, well, you know, like, how are we?

• 32:34Speaker 00

  Sometimes I do.

• 32:34Speaker 01

  Well, maybe. Every now and again. Oh, I loved that wine last night. I might have some more. I just, I was gonna lay off the drink for a bit, but I just don't want him.

• 32:43Speaker 00

  Is it summer holidays?

• 32:44Speaker 01

  I know. I don't give a shit.

• 32:45Speaker 00

  What parent lays off the drink in the summer holidays?

• 32:47Speaker 01

  I just pile the weight on that all, but also, don't give a shit. Oh, by the way, you're gonna be really proud of us, everyone. Um, I almost ruined a day on holiday because of how I looked in my costume, didn't I? Uh, we took, we took a picture and I, we, we hired a boat, didn't we? We had a lovely day out on a boat. Cause we're both forty this year and we thought we'd treat ourselves. So it was gorgeous. We had such a good day. But then we got a picture taken together and I look, I didn't like how I looked in my costume. I'm not gonna say I looked a certain way, but I didn't like how I looked. Anyway, I had about an hour, didn't I, where I was just like gutted and I just felt disgusting, blah de blah. And then I had, I went down to the little cabin downstairs. I looked in the mirror and I went, pack it in. I literally, I did tell you this?

• 33:28Speaker 00

  You pointed yourself in the mirror?

• 33:29Speaker 01

  I pointed myself in the mirror and I went, pack it in. I'm not ruining a lush day.

• 33:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:34Speaker 01

  Because I think that I look overweight in my costume. Because at the end of the day, I can't do, I can't click my fingers and lose two stone. You know what I mean? I'm not gonna not have a drink because I'm like, oh, so I just, and I had a mint holiday in the meantime, because I just thought, this is how I look right now.

• 33:50Speaker 00

  And let's-

• 33:51Speaker 01

  Shut up.

• 33:51Speaker 00

  Sorry, we've done a holiday update. We've told everyone about little bits of the holiday. We haven't touched on the fact that one night you basically lost half a stone in the middle of the night.

• 34:01Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Oh, don't, because I'm so embarrassed.

• 34:04Speaker 00

  God, it was awful.

• 34:05Speaker 01

  I know, but I'm really embarrassed. Cause I told my friend.

• 34:07Speaker 00

  So, like, listen, right? Set the scene, everyone.

• 34:09Speaker 01

  Well, this is, this is okay because I'm a greedy fat pig.

• 34:12Speaker 00

  Listen, listen. There was, um, there was two little bits of the room. There was the bit with the sofa bed outside. You, we all know, we all stayed in these things, these places. There's a, there's a sofa bed in the main bit and then there's the main bed. And, uh, Robin was, Robin was staying in a room-

• 34:27Speaker 01

  With me, ma'am.

• 34:27Speaker 00

  With Sandra. So I was in the big bed on my own and Rafe wanted to sleep on the sofa bed with you for some weird reason. So I got the big bed on my own, which was amazing. I'm half asleep. Rosie comes in. Middle of the night, guys. Oh, Chris. I don't, cause you know she's a fainter, which is fun. Um, oh, Chris, I don't know if I'm gonna faint or I'm gonna be sick. I went, right.

• 34:45Speaker 01

  Bear in mind, I've been awake for hours, just sort of like in bed, couldn't move because I just felt up to here, like my stomach was full and bloated and I just felt disgusting.

• 34:54Speaker 00

  The blast doors.

• 34:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:55Speaker 00

  Um, and she came in, guys, right? And she goes, um, I don't know whether I'm gonna be sick or, or, or, or pass out. You lay down on the bed. I was like, right, lie down on the bed. I was like, do you need anything? You're like, no. And then you went, no, I'm gonna be sick. You need to get us a bucket. Well, I didn't have a bucket. Um, luckily there was a, like a wastepaper bin in the corner of the bedroom and it was, I mean, I'm not, it was probably the size of a large popcorn bucket from the cinema.

• 35:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:19Speaker 00

  And it had, thankfully it had a plastic bag in it and we hadn't used it. It had been changed before we went to bed. And I brought, I, I saw it. I picked it up.

• 35:27Speaker 01

  You did very well.

• 35:29Speaker 00

  The fucking instant I put it in your hands, whack.

• 35:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:34Speaker 00

  The most sick, sorry, everyone, the most sick I have ever seen come out of a human head. The exorcist.

• 35:42Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 35:43Speaker 00

  Guys, she filled the bin.

• 35:45Speaker 01

  Filled the bin.

• 35:46Speaker 00

  Filled the bin. I'm talking large popcorn bucket.

• 35:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:49Speaker 00

  Middle of the, took me hours to get back to sleep. I was scarred.

• 35:52Speaker 01

  Well, weirdly, that's why I think I'm a bit weird because as soon as I was sick, I was like-

• 35:57Speaker 00

  Just came out.

• 35:58Speaker 01

  I'm fine.

• 35:59Speaker 00

  Like Little Britain. Remember Little Britain where it used to fire?

• 36:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:02Speaker 00

  Unbelievable.

• 36:03Speaker 01

  I know.

• 36:03Speaker 00

  And tell everyone, tell everyone how we think you got it.

• 36:08Speaker 01

  Well, I had prawns, right? So I was like, I was like, is it the prawns?

• 36:12Speaker 00

  Some of them prawns.

• 36:12Speaker 01

  You had some of the prawns. But also, I, I was fine. As soon as I vomited.

• 36:16Speaker 00

  That was weird. You were sick and you were, it was like, yeah, it was like the reset button had been pressed.

• 36:20Speaker 01

  But I did shit myself the day before.

• 36:22Speaker 00

  Great.

• 36:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:23Speaker 00

  I mean-

• 36:24Speaker 01

  But that was the eggs.

• 36:25Speaker 00

  She was a right laugh to go on holiday with, by the way.

• 36:27Speaker 01

  I'm not, I'm not well. Like, there's something wrong with us. Like, genuinely, that was the eggs.

• 36:30Speaker 00

  The funny bit is that you keep eating these things. But carry on. Can you tell everyone?

• 36:33Speaker 01

  Okay, so, okay. We narrowed it down.

• 36:36Speaker 00

  To something that no one in their right mind ever eats. But this greedy fucker.

• 36:44Speaker 01

  So it was nearing dinner time, on a night time, and I was being really good on holiday. I was only having Greek salads for lunch.

• 36:51Speaker 00

  Without the feta, which isn't a Greek salad.

• 36:53Speaker 01

  Without the feta. So it was just-

• 36:54Speaker 00

  Just a salad.

• 36:54Speaker 01

  Cucumber and vinegar. Uh, so I was really hungry and we went to a different pool at the hotel. There's loads of pools. And there, and then we got a glass of wine and the lady brought a little tray of nuts.

• 37:06Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 37:06Speaker 01

  And I ate the tray. I didn't have that many.

• 37:10Speaker 00

  From the communal-

• 37:11Speaker 01

  I had a handful of the communal nutball. At the five star hotel, though.

• 37:15Speaker 00

  But the communal nutball.

• 37:17Speaker 01

  I know. My mom was so disappointed.

• 37:19Speaker 00

  People go to the toilet, they have a piss, they pick their arse, they pick their nose. They put cream on their children, they put cream on their feet, they put like, they go for a wank, they put their hands in the bowl. These bowls have been tested.

• 37:30Speaker 01

  Put them back in the-

• 37:32Speaker 00

  So these bowls have been tested, right?

• 37:34Speaker 01

  I know all of this.

• 37:35Speaker 00

  They go, they put them all around all the sunbeds and they're going to put them back in the communal thing. But these bowls have been tested in country, in, in, you know, in bars and in countries where people aren't walking around in their fucking underpants.

• 37:43Speaker 01

  I know. All right. I've learned my lesson. I will never, ever, ever, I might.

• 37:48Speaker 00

  Don't you fucking lie to me? Don't you lie to me? I've learned my lesson. Cause they've got free nuts.

• 37:54Speaker 01

  What about crisps? What about when they put crisps down? I eat them. I always do.

• 37:58Speaker 00

  Maybe not as bad with the crisps. So the crisps will dry out and, and go a bit, like, you know, when they go a bit, yeah. So they'll probably bin them. But the crisp, the nuts that are, I'm telling you, they'll just put them back in a big vat of nuts.

• 38:09Speaker 01

  So do you think that's what it was?

• 38:10Speaker 00

  Ah, someone's picked his arse. He's, he's fucking had a wank. He's picked his nose. He's-

• 38:15Speaker 01

  It's all the men. I see how you're saying blokes, eh?

• 38:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:19Speaker 01

  Okay, fair enough.

• 38:20Speaker 00

  And he's got a big hand, but he's done that thing where he got them all like that and he's held it and opened it. Oh, I put them all in. Some of them fell in his mouth. He's, oh, I don't like that one. He spat it back in his hand. He's put it back in the thing. His kid sneezed on it and then they put it back in the communal, and you've went, woo, free nuts.

• 38:35Speaker 01

  And they were like, um, like dry roasted.

• 38:38Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 38:39Speaker 01

  Anyway, well, I vomited and then I was fine.

• 38:41Speaker 00

  Sorry, can I just say, you said dry roasted there with like, oh.

• 38:47Speaker 01

  They were, honestly?

• 38:48Speaker 00

  We've just talked about how they made you violently sick and you're like, I'm about to word dry roasted.

• 38:52Speaker 01

  You've got to remember, eggs make you shit yourself. I haven't stopped eating them.

• 38:55Speaker 00

  You had an egg today.

• 38:56Speaker 01

  I did because on holiday, the first day, uh, first day I shit myself, I had to literally go to the toilets and clean the gusset of my costume.

• 39:06Speaker 00

  The worst cricketing ever song ever. When on holiday on Monday, shit myself on Tuesday, eat the fucking nuts on Wednesday and not, ah, dang it, ah, dang it, ah. Chris, get the bin. Fucking.

• 39:21Speaker 00

  On the first, on the first day.

• 39:23Speaker 01

  Money can't buy you class. Money can't buy you class.

• 39:29Speaker 00

  Five star resort, just shit yourself and fill up the bins was sick.

• 39:32Speaker 01

  I was so upset. But that, do you know what it is? I'm not even embarrassed. I know, I know when you have shit yourselves, we get them all the time. I wasn't even embarrassed. I was just more annoyed where I was like, these fucking eggs are ruining me goddamn life.

• 39:44Speaker 00

  But they're bloody good for you.

• 39:45Speaker 01

  But they're so good for you. And I'm not like, there's nothing else in the morning that I want other than crumpets and toast.

• 39:50Speaker 00

  Yeah. Side note, sorry, by the way, we, uh, we emptied that bin. We emptied the bin liner. We've been like, the, the, the maids had no idea that that happened. But if I was literally a millisecond later and I knew that bin.

• 40:02Speaker 01

  I'd have bombed all over the curtains.

• 40:04Speaker 00

  Worst, worst, worst thing ever.

• 40:06Speaker 01

  It would have been one of them. It would have gone through my fingers.

• 40:09Speaker 00

  It would have went everywhere. Yeah. It would have been like, you know, when a hippo does a shit and it flicks its little tail and it goes, whoosh.

• 40:14Speaker 01

  Mind, I get over stuff really quickly though, don't I? Like, I was absolutely fine.

• 40:17Speaker 00

  Someone had put a little paper clip in the back of a Tamagotchi. We said, absolutely fine.

• 40:21Speaker 01

  You get quite impressed at how good I am at just dealing.

• 40:24Speaker 00

  I said to you, you were, you were up and about the next day at the pool. I said, I'd have been in bed for two days after that.

• 40:27Speaker 01

  Well, I was very poorly and I thought this is not gonna ruin my holiday.

• 40:31Speaker 00

  Very well done.

• 40:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, man. I had food poisoning in Paris and I walked 20,000 steps. This was years ago. I fainted in the park.

• 40:37Speaker 00

  Of course.

• 40:37Speaker 01

  But I was like, I'm here. I'm not ruining my holiday. I drank and everything. I was so ill.

• 40:41Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 40:42Speaker 01

  I lost five pound.

• 40:43Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 40:43Speaker 01

  Oh mate, I was so ill, but I was good.

• 40:45Speaker 00

  Pound or euros?

• 40:50Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 40:52Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 40:56Speaker 00

  Listen, what's your beef, man, you bit?

• 41:01Speaker 00

  What's your beef?

• 41:03Speaker 01

  I haven't even got, no, I've got loads.

• 41:07Speaker 01

  Why have I got, why have I wrote me notes, my Scott mosquito are playing? Why have I wrote that? I don't know.

• 41:14Speaker 01

  Anyway.

• 41:15Speaker 00

  Mosquito are playing?

• 41:18Speaker 01

  All right, but me only beef with you right now, and we aren't even, we don't get heat wave weather. You are constantly boiling.

• 41:26Speaker 00

  I'm the dad from, I'm the dad from Friday dinner.

• 41:29Speaker 01

  Every fucking window's open, every door's open. Guys, on a night time, I've got me slipper socks on and a dressing gown.

• 41:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:36Speaker 01

  It's so, our house is so cold.

• 41:38Speaker 00

  It's not, it's fucking hotter than hell. It's so hot.

• 41:42Speaker 01

  We are, we have not gone above 24 degrees during this heat wave.

• 41:46Speaker 00

  Boiling, I've got loads, like, and I'm always having to do stuff. I sit in the room with all the windows open, watching the tenant, you come in, clean your cold, hold your fucking blanket and the thing, and you shut all the window, I'm dying.

• 41:57Speaker 01

  I can put the fire on, it's that cold.

• 41:58Speaker 00

  That's ridiculous.

• 41:59Speaker 01

  You're ridiculous.

• 42:01Speaker 00

  That's what I'm thinking, I'm ill, but you're ill. Are you warm now? I'm really warm now.

• 42:05Speaker 01

  Eh, I am absolutely just lovely.

• 42:10Speaker 00

  Absolutely just lovely. Ex, extra medium.

• 42:14Speaker 01

  I'm just so lovely. Lovely. No, I'm fine. This is perfect. Are you hot now?

• 42:21Speaker 00

  A little bit hot, yeah, me feet are really hot.

• 42:22Speaker 01

  I think you're ill, something wrong with you.

• 42:23Speaker 00

  Get too hot.

• 42:24Speaker 01

  And that was one thing on holiday, you had that air con.

• 42:27Speaker 00

  Oh, I changed the air con without telling us, you've never seen it.

• 42:31Speaker 01

  Oh, you, you wanna trust, you wanna trust the people you live with? When we were in London, working, Chris said to me, how's this air con for you? And I went, it's absolutely perfect. I was like, this is fine, I can deal with this. It was fucking freezing, by the way, and I thought, he loves it cold, so leave it. Guess what this little, this little fucker did? Turn it down without telling us. That is deceit. That's how it happens. Do you know how perverts start up skirts? Do you know how deceit in a relationship?

• 42:57Speaker 00

  I changed the fucking thing, what are you talking about?

• 42:58Speaker 01

  Deceit in a relationship is that.

• 43:01Speaker 00

  Right, so you're telling me.

• 43:02Speaker 01

  You lied, you were like, I haven't.

• 43:05Speaker 00

  You're telling me changing the air con just slightly, because we'd only just arrived in the room, and I knew we'd be getting ready and stuff in the room, so I knew that, and our body temperature were going, was going to raise the temperature of the room. So I said, how do you feel this now? How is it feeling now? And you're like, this is perfect. I thought, okay, to maintain it at this level, I probably have to knock it down a couple of degrees, because our body heat and the hair dryer and stuff like that.

• 43:26Speaker 01

  Why didn't you say that though? Why didn't you say, Rosie, actually, I'm gonna, no, we were not busy, it was a day off.

• 43:32Speaker 00

  You're telling me, you're telling me that changing the air con a couple of degrees is a gateway drug to.

• 43:38Speaker 01

  Deceit, hiding money.

• 43:40Speaker 00

  Hiding money, murdering you, running away from something like that, secret fact, great, great, there it is. Well, well, I've done step, I've done step one of that 12 step program.

• 43:48Speaker 01

  It is deceitful though. It is deceitful. I don't like that crack. Because I'd have said to you, right, well, I'm absolutely boiling, can I turn it down a couple? Rather than you just went, yeah, no bother. To yourself.

• 44:01Speaker 01

  Turn this down, and then I found out, didn't I, because I find out.

• 44:05Speaker 00

  So what the fuck was your beef? Oh, I'm too hot.

• 44:06Speaker 01

  You say you're always too hot?

• 44:08Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 44:08Speaker 01

  Just like you'd lie to us?

• 44:11Speaker 00

  My beef with you is, you have levels of concern about the children's safety.

• 44:22Speaker 01

  I don't understand.

• 44:23Speaker 00

  And the main level of concern you ever have about the children's safety.

• 44:27Speaker 01

  I know, no, this is about running through the water, I guess.

• 44:29Speaker 00

  No, no, no. Your main level of concern you have about the children's safety is, Chris, can you go and check on the kids? They might be unsafe or hurt. You're never concerned enough to move off your own fucking arse and check them yourself. Your level of concern is, Chris, go and, go and check on them, I think they're fine. Well, I, I don't think they are, but if you don't think they are, Rosie, why don't you go and check on them? Oh no, I don't think they're that un-fine.

• 44:55Speaker 01

  They're not that un-fine.

• 44:55Speaker 00

  And there are level of, I'm being a level of fanny where I won't get up, but I want you to go and check. And I never really have to go over and check on the kid who's absolutely fine. You did it on the holiday. Where's Rafe? Where's Rafe in the pool, Chris? Chris, he could be drowning. Well, he could be drowning, but he's, he's obviously, you obviously don't think he is drowning, because you haven't got up to go and check if he's drowning, but I have.

• 45:17Speaker 01

  What is it you always say to me? We've got with jobs.

• 45:20Speaker 00

  Right.

• 45:22Speaker 00

  My job is going to check on the kids.

• 45:23Speaker 01

  Next holiday, like I've said before, no, I'm, I'm not buying a fucking thing.

• 45:27Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 45:27Speaker 01

  You can do everything. You can buy all of the new clothes that they need, because none of the last year's women's stuff or anything fits them.

• 45:33Speaker 00

  No problem.

• 45:34Speaker 01

  You can make sure that they've got all their creams, they've got their Cal Poles, they've got their, whatever they need. Pack for everybody, including yourself, all right? And then you can say to me on holiday, go and check if they're all right. And you know what? If, if I haven't had to do all of that and everything that gets with, oh, I tell you what as well, you can book it. You can renew the passport, you can make sure everything's up to date, you can book it. You can also book the parking, which is what I did. You can book the transfers, you can liaise with the hotel, and you can book all of the transfers to and from the airport, and you can just turn up and go, what airport we're going to, what do I look for on the board? And the minute you do that, you can say to me on holiday, are they all right? And I'll get up off me lounge jet and I'll go check, but until you do all that, I'm not fucking doing anything.

• 46:21Speaker 00

  I buy all the clothes.

• 46:23Speaker 01

  I can do everything.

• 46:24Speaker 00

  I'll get them now on Amazon.

• 46:25Speaker 01

  Chris, you do nothing for our holidays, you do nothing. And then when I get there and I say, can you go and check, the kids are all right, you're complaining.

• 46:31Speaker 00

  How do you feel about the children wearing what I'd like to call a holiday uniform? Which is just seven of the same outfit.

• 46:42Speaker 01

  Why not? Why not? Let them be the weird kids around the pool.

• 46:45Speaker 00

  Peter Griffin?

• 46:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:46Speaker 00

  Homer Simpson?

• 46:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:47Speaker 00

  Just the same thing?

• 46:48Speaker 01

  Am I right?

• 46:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're right. Backfired massively, that, well upset about that. And it actually got hotter.

• 46:53Speaker 01

  I think you think you had some.

• 46:54Speaker 00

  It got hotter in here when you did that.

• 46:55Speaker 01

  Did it now, or why don't you just light yourself and turn it, well, we've got it.

• 47:02Speaker 03

  Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lululemon fall drop, because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it. Lululemon's fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces, so I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece and head out, knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at lululemon.com.

• 47:31Speaker 04

  Kayak searches and compares hundreds of travel sites. But unless I repeat the word kayak, kayak thinks you won't remember that. So Kayak asked me to say kayak as many times as possible. Kayak. Kayak. Kayak. Kayak. Kayak, kayak, kayak. Search and compare travel deals with kayak. Got that right.

• 47:52Speaker 05

  Honey, that flu keeping you up? Yeah, I don't got this. You need Nyquil Intense Flu. Undo your flu symptoms with Nyquil Intense Flu. The nighttime sniffling, aching, aching fever, best sleep with a flu medicine. You do got this. Uses directed, keep out of reach of children.

• 48:07Speaker 00

  It's time for questions from the public.

• 48:12Speaker 00

  Public. As always, if you'd like to get in touch, it is at [email protected] to send a big lovely fancy email or 07874406650 to send a voice note.

• 48:26Speaker 01

  Oh, voice note?

• 48:27Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 48:28Speaker 01

  I haven't listened to that.

• 48:29Speaker 00

  I've got, I've got a voice note.

• 48:30Speaker 01

  Have you?

• 48:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, I've actually got a voice note that I got sent off our friend, you haven't heard this. So our friend.

• 48:36Speaker 01

  Well, I'll save them for next time.

• 48:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. Our friend, Vicky, friend of the podcast, one of me mates' wives.

• 48:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:42Speaker 00

  She got in touch with me, sent me a voice note while we were on holiday. And I've asked her for her permission to play it on here and just said, I can.

• 48:51Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 48:51Speaker 00

  So it is.

• 48:52Speaker 01

  She's slagging me off.

• 48:53Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, not at all. It's a dog, another reason why we shouldn't get a dog, that someone with a dog has sent with. Yeah, yeah, hold on.

• 49:00Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 49:01Speaker 06

  I'm just sitting with me neighbours who are podcast people and they're like older generation podcast.

• 49:08Speaker 06

  I shouldn't be upset at that. She's calling in and she absolutely loves you, so she'll text us when your new podcast comes out, everything like, have you heard this, have you heard that? She's another one of those who's like, are you botox, Vicky? Because Rosie keeps telling everyone about me secret botox.

• 49:21Speaker 00

  Yes, this is important.

• 49:22Speaker 06

  She's just saying, she's got another, she was gonna email in, but she never gets around to it. And she was like, I've got another story why Chris should never, ever get a dog.

• 49:32Speaker 06

  She wanted to speak to you, so I'll just tell you. So, was it your dog, Lyn?

• 49:36Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah.

• 49:37Speaker 06

  They had a dog called George and he once was swinging a pair of kids shit filled underpants. They were in a park, so a kid had shit himself and someone had just thrown the pants down. And the dog had firmed them, was ragging them around, swinging them around and ate them. And they took them to the vets and they were like, oh, they'll just have to work their way out. So they were having to drive them round in a car over speed bumps to try and make them sick or have poo. And he didn't, but then two weeks later, I was retching the garden and vomited up two week old shit stained underpants.

• 50:07Speaker 07

  And he had diarrhea for two weeks.

• 50:08Speaker 06

  And he had diarrhea for two weeks. What was the other one you said?

• 50:10Speaker 07

  Oh, garden, isn't it another one? Oh, swing the dead cat, right?

• 50:14Speaker 06

  I was wanting to frown the dead cat and was swinging around in the garden, so.

• 50:17Speaker 07

  No, not in my garden.

• 50:20Speaker 06

  Not in her garden, try to make that clear. But yeah, just if you wanna fight your no dog argument, there's a couple of corkers for you.

• 50:28Speaker 01

  Wow. Wow, George is a menace. Oh, yeah, I know, I know.

• 50:34Speaker 00

  That's the thing.

• 50:34Speaker 01

  I know all of these things, but I think you love them like a child, so it's.

• 50:38Speaker 00

  You're right, it's like, you've got kids, it's like having kids. Yeah, it's like you love them.

• 50:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:43Speaker 00

  But, ah, that's so bad.

• 50:45Speaker 01

  That's so grim.

• 50:45Speaker 00

  I particularly love what drove him round in the car over speed bumps to try and make him sick or make him. What, I just imagine him in a little dog chair, like, you know, like a boostersy. He's just like, he's like, fucking ragging it over a speed bump. Is he being sick yet? No, no, he's actually quite enjoying it.

• 51:04Speaker 01

  God, how do you even make a dog sick? That's a, oh, Jesus Christ. Imagine what that was like when he vombed that up. A two week old. Also, who's leaving them kids monkey pants, man? Oh, people rotten.

• 51:17Speaker 00

  Your mate left someone at a doorstep.

• 51:18Speaker 01

  That was an accident. Don't talk about that. She was mortified by that, you know, don't. That was an accident.

• 51:24Speaker 00

  I get it. Well, if you're in the, if you're having a big, long day in the park and you've got, you know.

• 51:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, put them in a bin though. These were clearly just left.

• 51:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, okay. Yeah, put them in a bin, of course.

• 51:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, put them in a bin.

• 51:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was thinking more on the point of leaving them, but yeah, of course, put them in a bin. I just, a dog just swinging shit. What's wrong with this dog? Just swinging shit stained kegs around. And how do, what, what part of the dog that will beg for food off you and, you know, eat fucking chips or bits of meat that you give them or whatever? And they need actual dog food, dry or wet or what? What part goes, oh, cotton, keg, oh, just grab these, yeah, these are great.

• 51:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, I've never under.

• 52:00Speaker 00

  I'll just swallow it as quick as I can.

• 52:02Speaker 01

  And certain dogs as well just eat shoes and shit, like, there's so many things on Instagram I see where people are like, they're just knackered, they're designing shoes and stuff.

• 52:10Speaker 00

  Oh, no.

• 52:11Speaker 01

  I know.

• 52:11Speaker 00

  And once you have kids, though, you know you can't have anything nice. Same with the dog. We'd have to go down another level. Cars, the cars would all get shitter. Your clothes that you wore day to day would all get shitter.

• 52:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:19Speaker 00

  Because the dog is just gonna jump up on you. Yeah.

• 52:22Speaker 01

  But listen, I'm still not saying never, never say never. Are you?

• 52:26Speaker 00

  I think I've gone.

• 52:27Speaker 01

  You were the one who wanted one?

• 52:28Speaker 00

  I know, but it's just too, I don't think I'd ever, I don't think I'd emotionally recover from.

• 52:32Speaker 01

  You would love it though. You would love it so much.

• 52:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:36Speaker 01

  You would. Come on, you caught my sick.

• 52:40Speaker 00

  I did catch you sick.

• 52:41Speaker 01

  You did catch me sick. You are so good. No, you love us. You are great. You are really good. I did have to ask for a hug though.

• 52:49Speaker 00

  Because, what, you told, sometimes I go for a hug and you tell us to fuck off, you don't want cuddle. I didn't expect you to want a hug.

• 52:54Speaker 01

  No, I did, I wanted a hug. I had to say to you, can I please have a hug?

• 52:57Speaker 00

  And I was like, I've caught my moose up for a hug, but sometimes I ask for a hug and you're like, no, I'm nearly due on, I'm overstimulated, don't touch it.

• 53:03Speaker 01

  No, that's because, what am I gonna do when I'm perimenopausal? Oh, don't, I'm so, I'm really apprehensive about it, you know, apparently you just have no, like, um, estrogen, like estrogen just goes and so. Women, so this is what I've read.

• 53:18Speaker 00

  Is it this when, no, perimenopausal, this is where all estrogen goes and it's like, you crave like spicy chicken and stuff. Oh no, that's peri-perimenopausal.

• 53:30Speaker 01

  If you fucking clip that up, I will lose my mind. That is not the clip that we're using for social media.

• 53:35Speaker 00

  Ooh, ooh, oh, he's back on, ooh, back in, ooh, ooh, ooh, back in the gym. Back on tour. Thankfully though, that tour has already written, I don't have to put that shit in it.

• 53:46Speaker 01

  You are never coming on my period podcast, by the way, if you're gonna make jokes like that. No, but honestly, I'm really worried about perimenopause and menopause. Because they've said, what happens, and I actually have never been much of a sort of pushover woman. But a lot of women have just sort of been very kind of happy, very easygoing, and then all of a sudden they hit perimenopause and they lose all of like the happy hormones. So then they just start telling everyone exactly what to think about them. But I've kind of already done.

• 54:11Speaker 00

  You're already there. So what do you do? Do you go worse?

• 54:15Speaker 00

  Like the Exorcist?

• 54:16Speaker 01

  Excited.

• 54:16Speaker 00

  Or do you go the other way and get nice? Is it possible to get nice?

• 54:20Speaker 01

  No, I think that happens with like dementia and stuff, or Alzheimer's. Sometimes people have been horrible their whole life, get it, and they're like lovely. When I worked in a nursing home, there was a woman, I told you, didn't I? A daughter-in-law's came in and I was like, oh my, I loved her, mate, I loved her. She gave us some sweets and that. I was like, she's such a lovely woman.

• 54:36Speaker 00

  By the way, that's all it takes.

• 54:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, she told us I was pretty. Every day she's like.

• 54:39Speaker 00

  Told you I'm pretty, give your fucking word, she's the nicest woman ever.

• 54:43Speaker 01

  Loved her. A daughter-in-law's came in, they were like, she has made our life an absolute living hell.

• 54:48Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 54:48Speaker 01

  Our entire, and I was like, well, I love her. Anyway, so I'm not looking forward to it.

• 54:54Speaker 00

  Great, neither are we. Anyway, do some questions, are we?

• 54:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:57Speaker 00

  Do your fucking job.

• 54:58Speaker 01

  No, you're just gonna have to be patient with us. Because then you come back.

• 55:02Speaker 00

  Disappear.

• 55:04Speaker 01

  What do you mean disappear?

• 55:05Speaker 00

  Just disappear. I'm busy, I've told you, I'm busy weaseling a bit money away with me accountant, me new accountant who you don't know. You know, I'm planning for this. I'm planning for this. I'll be in the wind.

• 55:20Speaker 00

  I'm joking.

• 55:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, you better. I don't need much anyway.

• 55:22Speaker 00

  No.

• 55:23Speaker 01

  No.

• 55:23Speaker 00

  Come on, read your questions. It's getting dark.

• 55:26Speaker 01

  Hello, it's dark, it's absolutely not.

• 55:28Speaker 00

  I meant the humour, not the, I didn't mean it's getting late.

• 55:31Speaker 01

  No, I will, I will always.

• 55:32Speaker 00

  What a good afternoon.

• 55:33Speaker 01

  I will always drag, I was like, it was.

• 55:35Speaker 00

  It's not.

• 55:39Speaker 00

  Fucking hell.

• 55:40Speaker 01

  I will always drag this down.

• 55:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know.

• 55:43Speaker 01

  Because that's what we do. It's just what, I think that's a woman thing, that's what we do. You know, anyway. Hello, Ramses.

• 55:51Speaker 00

  Drag we're down, all right, come on.

• 55:52Speaker 01

  We'll drag, we'll drag ourselves down. Me and my friends, the bar closed the other night, we got with wine and a tea, we were up and sat on the beach crying. It's great.

• 56:01Speaker 00

  It's not a fucking night out. It's not a night out.

• 56:03Speaker 01

  Absolutely class.

• 56:04Speaker 00

  Honestly, that's the one thing that I don't understand. You and your friends will sit around, glasses of wine at the end of the night, crying, talking and crying.

• 56:13Speaker 00

  And the next morning, I'm like, eh, God, what happened last night? I was mint, we had such a good chat. Yous were all fucking crying.

• 56:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, but none of it paid for therapy.

• 56:21Speaker 00

  No, you don't have to do.

• 56:23Speaker 01

  There you go.

• 56:24Speaker 00

  I should remember when we had people around here, we had all were friends, well, me and my two friends. And we like played on the golf sim and it was a really late night and me and the lads were sat, we'd done it, we did eighteen fucking holes, three in one on a golf sim, which takes a good few hours. And then we sat in the other room and we all had a pipe in our hands and you and their wives were in the other room.

• 56:43Speaker 00

  And one of me mates, I'll never, he looked like a fucking broken man as well. Three in the morning, he was standing, he was sitting, sorry, with a glass of, with a glass of beer. And he just looked at me and he went, I would have still talked.

• 56:55Speaker 00

  And he just drank his beer. And I was like, that's a broken man. We were sitting in silence, we sat in silence.

• 57:00Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, we could, we could just talk for days, man. Oh, weekend away. Oh. If, a weekend away, if you plan a night out, I'm not going because I just wanna sit and talk. I don't wanna go on a night out. Listen. Hello, Ramses. I'm one of those long time listeners, never have anything to send in, email us until now.

• 57:17Speaker 00

  Oh, well, thank you. And, and, and we're glad you found something. Thanks.

• 57:21Speaker 01

  Like yourselves, I timed my recent trip to London on a crazy heatwave week.

• 57:25Speaker 00

  Ah, yes.

• 57:25Speaker 01

  London has not cooled down.

• 57:28Speaker 00

  Godspeed, everyone in London. You're like trying to sleep through that.

• 57:31Speaker 01

  It's just not cooling down. I have a look all the time. Fucking boiling. I went to visit a rock climbing centre that I'd been wanting to go to for a while now. As you can imagine, any form of exercise, what?

• 57:42Speaker 00

  London, like, what the hell?

• 57:43Speaker 01

  I don't think they've got any kids.

• 57:45Speaker 00

  Right.

• 57:45Speaker 01

  This is, this is the life.

• 57:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, sorry.

• 57:48Speaker 01

  Oh, I've been desperate to try that rock pool.

• 57:50Speaker 00

  We're going to London, what, you got booked in? London Eye? Anything like that, Tower of London, you know, boat tour, you know, St Paul's or whatever. Oh, that rock, that rock climbing, indoor rock climbing wall during the heatwave that I've been desperate to go to? Fuck, I hope it took your fucking talc, chalk or whatever they use.

• 58:07Speaker 01

  Well, it's, he says, oh, hey, it was a hey, I think. Yeah, it was a hey. As you can imagine, any form of exercise in a sweaty climbing gym during a heatwave would be pretty brutal. But I was determined, as I'd planned this for a long time. And it says as well, I'm from Yorkshire, so you can imagine I want to get my money's worth.

• 58:23Speaker 00

  There it is.

• 58:24Speaker 01

  There you go. As I was slowly dying and sweat dripping from every crevice, I could see a member of staff from a distance carrying a tray full of cold, refreshing ice lollies. I couldn't believe it. Wow, this is London and they are just giving away free ice lollies. How thoughtful, so I thought. As I approached the lady working there, my hand reaching out to grab one, I then realised they were not ice lollies at all, they were in fact tampons.

• 58:58Speaker 00

  Fucking mini milks. They've got the red one, they've got the green one, they've got the orange one.

• 59:04Speaker 01

  She's got a tray of tampons, she must have been taking them to the bathroom or something.

• 59:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 59:08Speaker 01

  But yeah, I'm a guy, so I couldn't get away with claiming one really. Maybe I should have said I'd take one for my wife.

• 59:14Speaker 00

  Oh, what did he do?

• 59:15Speaker 01

  Well, I think he's got there and thought, I'm not gonna get it.

• 59:18Speaker 00

  He literally went like that. What did he say? What did he do?

• 59:21Speaker 01

  In his defence, they do look a bit like ice lollies from a distance.

• 59:24Speaker 00

  I would have went, I'm so sorry, I thought they were ice lollies. I think I'm delirious with the heat. I genuinely thought they were ice lollies. But if he didn't say, if he just went and then stopped and walked off, that's worse.

• 59:34Speaker 01

  Anyway.

• 59:34Speaker 00

  Oh, fair play.

• 59:37Speaker 01

  This is really old one. Just listening to an episode where you were talking about going to the doctors. In brackets, Chris going all the time when he was young, Rosie only if she's dying.

• 59:45Speaker 00

  No, no, that was recent, that's recent.

• 59:46Speaker 01

  Was it recent?

• 59:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 59:47Speaker 01

  Um, I can't remember the last time I went to the doctors, you know, I was trying to think, the last time I went to the doctors, I genuinely think the actual fully blown sitting with the doctors appointment, I've got this wrong with this, I think it was me six week checkup after I had Rafe.

• 59:59Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 1:00:00Speaker 01

  What else have I been through?

• 1:00:01Speaker 00

  You're not straining the NHS at all. Well done.

• 1:00:03Speaker 01

  No, it's not that. Like I said, pharmacy, love the pharmacy. I just don't think I've had anything wrong with this, have I? Maybe I haven't.

• 1:00:10Speaker 00

  What you've got wrong with you can't be fixed at the doctors?

• 1:00:13Speaker 01

  Lushness.

• 1:00:14Speaker 00

  Well, of course.

• 1:00:19Speaker 01

  Thought you got it there, didn't you? You little fucking prick.

• 1:00:25Speaker 00

  He's so horrible at her. How are them?

• 1:00:27Speaker 01

  No, I'm due on, sorry. Right. Um, I'm not one for going to the doctors either, but a few years ago, I had to phone for an appointment and had to wait a couple of weeks to get one. On the day of my appointment, I was sat in the waiting room for ages as they were running behind. There were several older slash elderly people who all seemed to know each other and they were chatting away and discussing their ailments and why they were waiting to see the doctor. One woman piped up, I can't actually remember why I made the appointment, but I thought I'm not doing anything today, so I'll just go.

• 1:00:57Speaker 00

  Fucking hell.

• 1:01:01Speaker 00

  Wow. That's annoying.

• 1:01:06Speaker 01

  No wonder it takes weeks to get an appointment when elderly people are like, but actually, do you know what it is? If she's paid her taxes her entire life, then she's totally, well, why not? She's got a bit of time.

• 1:01:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:17Speaker 01

  Why, why cancel it?

• 1:01:18Speaker 00

  I'm just, I'm, I'm just sorry, I'm not ageist here, but I'm still reeling from something that happened yesterday with members of the older generation that's really fucked me off.

• 1:01:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, they were.

• 1:01:29Speaker 00

  I wasn't ageist, right. So we were, we went to like, um, where did we go? Anick Castle yesterday. Uh, Anick Gardens, Anick Castle, there's a play area called Lillidori. If you're looking for something to do in this, in the holidays for your kids, it is an amazing thing to do. Um, it's got a big play area and Anick Gardens is gorgeous. And we were there and within the Anick Gardens, it's where Harry Potter, some of Harry Potter's films, some of the external scenes. Within Anick Gardens, there was the different little lawn games and stuff. There's a bit of croquet. And then there was that cornhole where it's two bits of wood on a slight angle with a hole in you throw the beanbags in. And we waited for ages while the family was playing. We waited nicely away from where it was. So we weren't like over them waiting for a turn with our kids and we had our nephew with us as well. And we're about to have a game of it and a group of four, sixty somethings?

• 1:02:15Speaker 01

  Older.

• 1:02:16Speaker 00

  A bit older, maybe? Seventy somethings?

• 1:02:18Speaker 01

  Definitely older.

• 1:02:18Speaker 00

  Stood there and were like, oh, okay, they're much older than your mum. Septa-Genarians. Um, they were like, oh, we wanted to play. And the woman went, oh, okay. So she split the game in half. So we couldn't play the full game with my kids. We just had to play the half game. And then she was like, oh, you just need to make sure you've got the right colour beanbags.

• 1:02:38Speaker 01

  Well, this is what pissed me off. Luckily, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you there, but I was just, I was thinking about this this morning. Luckily, Rafe is not like a properly overly possessive child of stuff.

• 1:02:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:02:50Speaker 01

  Uh, cause I've tried to bring him up that way and he's really good at sharing his toys and stuff, bloody, bloody, blah. But then when that bloke came over and was like, um, oh, we, we need that colour beanbag. Cause they all wanted the same colour beanbag.

• 1:03:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:03Speaker 01

  And Rafe had the odd colour. So Rafe had to swap this seventy five year old man colour beanbag.

• 1:03:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:10Speaker 01

  Our five year old son.

• 1:03:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:12Speaker 01

  He took that coloured beanbag off him and give him his. And I just thought, what are you doing?

• 1:03:16Speaker 00

  He was like, yeah, we need to swap that. Thanks. And the four of them in their seventies stood and played this fucking game while we

• 1:03:22Speaker 01

  wild.

• 1:03:23Speaker 00

  sort of stood and played half of the game with the guy. And I was like, are you fucking real?

• 1:03:28Speaker 01

  Like, and, and you know, cause he's five, what if he'd have gone, that's mine?

• 1:03:32Speaker 00

  Yeah. He didn't thankfully.

• 1:03:34Speaker 01

  Thankfully he didn't. Lucky for that man, because to be honest with you, if he had, I'd have just let him crack on.

• 1:03:38Speaker 00

  Oh, I'd have been like, you're not getting it. But again, it smacks of when we're in, when we're in Disney.

• 1:03:42Speaker 01

  It's just privilege though, isn't it?

• 1:03:43Speaker 00

  It's just adults, adults who do kids' stuff at kids' things. So the kids, like if I was doing a thing, if I'm at there playing cornhole with me mates or her and there's some children waiting, I'm like, we're gonna fucking cut this short because I'm gonna give these to these children. Cause there's children waiting, because this is a children's game and a children's fucking place where families come. Like, it was, it was when we were in Disney. And, and Rafe said, why is Mickey Mouse not coming for a photo with me? Oh, because there's a table of fucking eight adults getting their photo taken with them.

• 1:04:10Speaker 01

  But then you've got to be, they're half paid for it.

• 1:04:14Speaker 00

  I just, I just find it annoying.

• 1:04:16Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, I know. I totally agree with you. But we've been brought up like that. We've been brought up in a world where our families have always put kids first.

• 1:04:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:24Speaker 01

  That's how we live. Like we put our kids first before anything. All of, everyone we know has put their kids first, but some people don't.

• 1:04:31Speaker 00

  Maybe not the Disney adults, maybe not the Disney, maybe not the adults at Disney.

• 1:04:33Speaker 01

  They paid for their holiday at the end of the day.

• 1:04:34Speaker 00

  They were there, they obviously buzzed off it when they were kids. Disney's been around for fucking years. It was the seventy odd year old man coming and taking a fucking beanbag off Rafe that I just found. And I looked at the woman, I was like, so we're just playing half the game. She was like, well, it's still kind of the full game. I was like, well, it's not the wizard.

• 1:04:46Speaker 01

  Could they not have just waited until Rafe finished?

• 1:04:48Speaker 00

  Couldn't have gone to two teams. I was like, oh no, these guys wanna do this now. Oh, I was fucking, I was fuming.

• 1:04:54Speaker 01

  Listen, some people are just vile.

• 1:04:57Speaker 00

  Hmm. They're vile a bit much. I think they're just dicks.

• 1:05:00Speaker 01

  They're, they're just, it's them people. It's not elderly people because my nana would never have took a, my nana would never have swapped a beanbag for a different colour with a five year old child. Not in a million goddamn years.

• 1:05:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:05:13Speaker 01

  Would my nana have gone up to a five year old child and went, uh, my beanbag doesn't match me friend's beanbags. Can I swap with you? Not a fucking chance. Should have went, well, he's five years old. I'm not asking him to swap the bloody colour beanbag.

• 1:05:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:25Speaker 01

  No, he's a tosser.

• 1:05:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, he was a tosser. It's got nothing to do with age.

• 1:05:27Speaker 01

  Wild up. I was actually not happy about that.

• 1:05:29Speaker 00

  They were just a bunch of tossers.

• 1:05:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, a bunch of tossers. So at the end of the day, that's, it's got nothing to do with them being a certain age at all. Most old people who I know are bloody glorious, including that woman at the, called the K at home. I'm not having a bad word against Rafe.

• 1:05:43Speaker 00

  Cause you were pretty and she gave you some space. If, if that guy, he has a question. If that guy while taking the beanbag off Rafe and halving the game so he could play with his friends, so our children couldn't play the game properly. If while doing it, he looked over and he went, oh, your wife's dead pretty, would you have been okay with their actions?

• 1:05:59Speaker 01

  I'd suck them off.

• 1:06:04Speaker 01

  That was a horrible response. I don't mean it. I'm sorry. That was, that was awful. No, no, I wouldn't have thought better of him.

• 1:06:10Speaker 00

  He's here tonight.

• 1:06:17Speaker 00

  Oh, you were, oh, you were bringing this podcast into the gut.

• 1:06:20Speaker 01

  Quite pretty. No, I'm sorry. I wouldn't have sucked them off at all. I won't even suck you off. I'm not sucking off some old bloke. It would be disgusting.

• 1:06:33Speaker 01

  Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag My Dennoyed. Um, I am due on, so that will, that's my excuse for any negativity.

• 1:06:41Speaker 00

  There it is. Good. Well done.

• 1:06:44Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 1:06:44Speaker 00

  Congratulations.

• 1:06:45Speaker 01

  Literally, literally tomorrow, tomorrow or the day after. It's coming.

• 1:06:49Speaker 00

  There it is. Put it in your calendars, guys. As always, if you'd like to get in touch, it's [email protected], the WhatsApp, uh, number that for, for, for voice notes, I said it earlier on. Uh, just go back and, uh.

• 1:07:00Speaker 01

  I've got them already for next week.

• 1:07:01Speaker 00

  Great. And we'll be back in your ears next week. Bye.

• 1:07:04Speaker 01

  Bye.

• 1:07:07Speaker 00

  So cards on the table, guys. This, what you're hearing now is a little bit of audio that I've recorded after the main podcast because we forgot to do it because it's the summer holidays and it's mental and the kids are always here. I'm doing it on my own because Rosie's with the kids because it's the summer holidays and it's mental and the kids are always here. Uh, just to let you know that we, we've done forty five episodes of Please Keep Me Anonymous since September last year. And we've had some amazing guests. We've had Greg Davies, Joanna McNally, Sam Ryder, Ollie Mers, Joanna Page, Jordan and William from Help I Sexed My Boss. The list goes on. So from Wednesday, as a little summer tweet, what we're gonna do is we're gonna put out some of the best bits from all of our favourite chats. Like, uh, Greg Davies telling about the audition for Chuckle Vision, uh, or Sam Ryder and me doing a rap from Sum forty one, which I'm sure we all can't wait to hear again.

• 1:07:54Speaker 00

  Well, anyway, you can hear all that and more. Uh, we'll be back with more Please Keep Me Anonymous and brand new guests in September. So have a lovely summer and enjoy those every single Wednesday. And don't forget to like and subscribe and thank you so much. Bye.