Read the room d*ckhead

On this week's Shagged Married Annoyed Chris and Rosie discuss crying rooms, extreme weather warnings and why Rosie has had a change of heart on how she would deal with a Zombie apocalypse. Between them there are multiple beefs, a special curry night coming up and Rosie reveals that she had to make a mini- announcement to a whole production crew! All of this plus a drunken one-night stand story, some gross dummy cleaning and an addition to the new feature! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [email protected] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Coming up on this week's episode of Shag Married Annoyed.

• 0:02Speaker 01

  I got cramps.

• 0:04Speaker 00

  Oh, she's got cramps. We talk crying rooms.

• 0:07Speaker 01

  It has been very windy and the clocks have gone back.

• 0:10Speaker 00

  Mayhem. Rosie made an announcement at her new job.

• 0:14Speaker 01

  We've got beefs. Chris let me do two because he's horrible.

• 0:18Speaker 00

  Makes no sense. And we've got emails from you lovely lot, including one of the worst one night stand stories I think we've ever had.

• 0:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, love it.

• 0:26Speaker 00

  Enjoy.

• 0:27Speaker 01

  Hello. You are listening to Shag Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, my husband, Christopher Ramsey.

• 0:32Speaker 00

  Hi.

• 0:32Speaker 01

  Welcome to the podcast. Hello.

• 0:34Speaker 00

  Hi. You might be watching it as well, by the way. She forgot that bit. You might be watching it.

• 0:37Speaker 01

  Oh, hello. You might be watching. Right, listen, listen.

• 0:39Speaker 00

  Right. Cards on the table.

• 0:41Speaker 01

  Cards on the table. I turned this morning. I came on my period.

• 0:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 0:47Speaker 01

  And I'm actually like PMS wise, I haven't been that bad. But I have got cramp.

• 0:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  From hell. Like honestly, can't feel my legs.

• 0:59Speaker 00

  Gee whiz.

• 1:00Speaker 01

  So I'm currently dressed like a jack potato with a.

• 1:03Speaker 00

  We've got electric blanket around you.

• 1:05Speaker 01

  Blanket around us and I've got, it's actually scalded in my stomach, but it's fine. I've got a hot water bottle on my tummy that he made us. And it's all good though.

• 1:15Speaker 00

  Right.

• 1:15Speaker 01

  There's now I can tell you've just got a crack on, but I just need, these all just need to know that. I'm sorry. I'm not going to be firing.

• 1:21Speaker 00

  On all cylinders.

• 1:21Speaker 01

  On all cylinders.

• 1:22Speaker 00

  Well, listen, I said, because I did, obviously I'm still on the tour. I met a lot of people at the stage door in Glasgow. Apologies, by the way, sometimes I don't do stage door. Sometimes I'm in the van when you guys are still sitting in the, in the venue. Just sometimes I have to leave. But we did, I came out the stage door last night in Glasgow and it was loads of people hanging around, loads and loads and loads of women listen to the podcast and shout during the show how much they love you.

• 1:46Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:47Speaker 00

  And say afterwards how much they love you. So.

• 1:48Speaker 01

  That's lovely.

• 1:49Speaker 00

  You sitting there now dressed up like a jack potato in a filthy electric blanket with all kinds of, I think there's a chocolate stain on your left elbow there. With cramp is very relatable to all of the, you know, if not all, a lot, if not all of the ladies who listen to the podcast. So there you go. And you know, I'm an ally. I'm getting sympathy cramps here. I think I've honestly.

• 2:11Speaker 01

  Don't even, that's not what I need.

• 2:14Speaker 00

  Very slightly like you need to do a pump. Is that what it feels like? Cause I think I've got that.

• 2:17Speaker 01

  No. And by the way, women, just before we start, Chris was like, do you want a hug? I was like, that's, that's like the worst.

• 2:23Speaker 00

  Oh, guys.

• 2:24Speaker 01

  The last thing that I want.

• 2:25Speaker 00

  Hard no isn't even the fucking phrase. I literally went, are you ready? She went, no. I went, would you like a hug? She went, ah. It's like, all right.

• 2:35Speaker 01

  No, but don't.

• 2:35Speaker 00

  I offered you a high five. I offered you a fist bump. Not.

• 2:37Speaker 01

  I might want one in a bit though.

• 2:38Speaker 00

  Oh, fucking turned down.

• 2:39Speaker 01

  What like, honest to God, I just don't want to live like this.

• 2:43Speaker 00

  It makes you feel better. I've got a new pair of trousers today. They're like a relaxed chino slash hybrid of a jogging pant. And I'm sliding all over the chair here. So we've all got our problems, love.

• 2:56Speaker 01

  You are insane. Do you want to cheering us up though? Although it's kind of cheering us up, but kind of like, I want to be, I want to die.

• 3:03Speaker 00

  Right.

• 3:03Speaker 01

  It's Robin's birthday tomorrow.

• 3:05Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 3:05Speaker 01

  And we are going for a curry, our first family curry.

• 3:09Speaker 00

  Curry tonight.

• 3:10Speaker 01

  And so.

• 3:11Speaker 00

  Very excited.

• 3:11Speaker 01

  I am, but also I feel like absolute dog shit. So I'm not. Can I, can I go to the curry dressed in joggers?

• 3:17Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 3:17Speaker 01

  Can I?

• 3:18Speaker 00

  We.

• 3:18Speaker 01

  Genuinely.

• 3:19Speaker 00

  We live in South Shields. Yes.

• 3:21Speaker 01

  Can you actually?

• 3:22Speaker 00

  If you didn't, you, you, yes.

• 3:24Speaker 01

  Can you wear, there's no sort of dress code?

• 3:26Speaker 00

  No, of course you can't.

• 3:28Speaker 01

  Absolutely just go dressed like this in joggers.

• 3:30Speaker 00

  We're going to, we're going for a tea time curry on a fucking Monday night in South Shields in the rain. You can go in your fucking pyjamas. They wouldn't care.

• 3:36Speaker 01

  Oh, unreal.

• 3:37Speaker 00

  Pyjamas, but you can go in joggers a hundred percent. You'd be under the table anyway. They've got big table cloths.

• 3:41Speaker 01

  Okay, that's made my day. I'm going to go in my joggers. Not looking forward to Rafe not eating anything from the curry.

• 3:47Speaker 00

  Rafe will have, Rafe will have pop noms, pop noms, chips and naan bread is what Rafe will have. The beige buffet.

• 3:53Speaker 01

  You, you made him an omelette this morning in my head. I was thinking, oh, he could have had an omelette.

• 3:58Speaker 00

  You can have an omelette, but they're not.

• 3:59Speaker 01

  He was ick.

• 4:00Speaker 00

  They'll not, oh yeah. Who's having the omelette?

• 4:02Speaker 01

  Imagine going for a curry where their first boyfriend, he gets an omelette. I'd be like.

• 4:07Speaker 00

  Can I have the half chicken and chips please?

• 4:11Speaker 00

  Is this, is this scam you good to do?

• 4:12Speaker 01

  What do you think? What do you think? Do you know the most, when someone orders the like chicken and chips, do you think they're just like?

• 4:21Speaker 00

  They must piss themselves. They must piss themselves laughing. So they go, we've got one, guys, we've got one. Get the back of the freezer. Get that, get them chicken gouges also for this fucking loser.

• 4:33Speaker 01

  Do you think they look around the door being like him?

• 4:35Speaker 00

  It's him. It's that one. All of them. Like all the staff come to the window. All the staff come to the window, look through the little glass. It's out there. It's that one there. Look at him. Look at him. Look at him.

• 4:45Speaker 01

  And I won't have a bad word against a coma. Actually I do enjoy a coma.

• 4:49Speaker 00

  Really?

• 4:50Speaker 01

  Okay. Just I can, I've just was like, have I got work tomorrow? But I'm, I've got a flight tomorrow night, but I can have the farts all day.

• 4:58Speaker 00

  Oh, that's good.

• 4:59Speaker 01

  I don't actually have work.

• 4:59Speaker 00

  Right. Okay. Oh, there we go.

• 5:01Speaker 01

  Until Wednesday.

• 5:02Speaker 00

  Right. Well, there we go.

• 5:03Speaker 01

  So I'm going to get stinky. Going to get stinky baby. Going to get stinky.

• 5:09Speaker 00

  Very good. I'm going to get a, I'm going to get a madras. I'm going to give Robin a first, his first try of a madras.

• 5:14Speaker 01

  Please don't.

• 5:14Speaker 00

  Birthday madras. See how he feels. I remember the first time I tried a madras, I thought my head was going to cave in. I thought my head was going to fucking explode. It was unbelievable.

• 5:21Speaker 01

  I don't get it. I don't understand why. I don't think it's, should be enjoyable.

• 5:24Speaker 00

  Table I have, and I don't know if anyone else has this way. There you go. They're a local Indian restaurant. We get what's called a happy madras, which is a madras, but it's just turned down a bit. It's turned down to about seven.

• 5:35Speaker 01

  They'll be looking around the door at you. They'll be looking around the door going, oh, thinks he's getting a happy madras. He's actually just got chicken, chicken.

• 5:42Speaker 00

  He's on it.

• 5:42Speaker 01

  Hang on.

• 5:43Speaker 00

  What?

• 5:43Speaker 01

  Something's happened to me laptop.

• 5:45Speaker 00

  What?

• 5:46Speaker 01

  That, I think that website was dodgy that I was just on.

• 5:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:50Speaker 01

  And something just went funny then. Am I being hacked? I'm going off it. Oh God.

• 5:55Speaker 00

  There'd be a pop up or something, man. I'm not being hacked.

• 5:58Speaker 01

  Hacked. They said on the news, buy water, get supplies and also change all your passwords. I was like, change your passwords? What? What? No.

• 6:07Speaker 00

  They said change all your passwords?

• 6:09Speaker 01

  Like AI hacks.

• 6:10Speaker 00

  Oh, fuck.

• 6:10Speaker 01

  I just didn't, oh, this is, listen, we'll get, we'll get to that later on.

• 6:14Speaker 00

  Oh God. Falling apart, isn't it?

• 6:16Speaker 01

  I've spoke far too much for a podcast that I didn't really have one to have much to do with today.

• 6:20Speaker 00

  All right. Okay. That's good. I hope they, yeah. I hope the listeners are loving that. Listen, guys, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for coming along, even though Rosie is not a welcoming host in the fucking slightest.

• 6:29Speaker 01

  You know, I adore you all and you know, I'm really, universe, I am, I'm extremely grateful for this position that we're in, but honestly, I just feel like shit. And this is the only day we can do because it's Robin's birthday tomorrow.

• 6:39Speaker 00

  And then we've got a mad busy week.

• 6:41Speaker 01

  If I'm already leaving for a flight on his birthday.

• 6:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, on the night, but it's not bad about that. It's as long as, when we had Robin and obviously Rafe as well, my thing was the promise I made was I'll always be there when they wake up on the birthday.

• 6:53Speaker 01

  Same.

• 6:54Speaker 00

  So I can't, I'm not, I'm not booking anything in if it means I'm not there when they wake up on their birthday. But I've went and done, back in the day, I went and did celebrity juice on the night of his birthday. I went down and it's all good. He'll be fine. Um, yeah. But, but listen, this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor is right up your street, Rose. You're going to love it. This is, we should honestly, we should get this sorted out for you right now. Are you ready for this week's lucrative? lucrative. So I haven't really, I'm back to me old school. It's a proper advert, this one.

• 7:21Speaker 01

  Okay. Are you brought it out in that?

• 7:23Speaker 00

  Proper, I got sent it by the company. It's a proper read, right? They send me the scripts, obviously.

• 7:28Speaker 01

  Obviously.

• 7:29Speaker 00

  Okayed them with PR and that.

• 7:31Speaker 01

  Don't get me, he's giving us hat. He look, he's literally giving us hat. He look.

• 7:34Speaker 00

  I'm not. It's all in our period brain. Listen, this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor is, and you're going to love them. You'd want one, is crying rooms.

• 7:45Speaker 01

  Oh, yes.

• 7:45Speaker 00

  Hey, do you have a spare small room, large cupboard or quiet nook in your home? Don't go wasting your time with a boot room, a walk-in wardrobe or a home office. You need a crying room. A safe space away from the hustle and bustle of the main house where you can really let it out. Consider a soundproof cry room if you really want to go to town. Don't make a scene in the kitchen. Crying rooms, the mental breakdown space just for you.

• 8:12Speaker 01

  I would love one.

• 8:13Speaker 00

  Real, genuinely real.

• 8:15Speaker 01

  No, I mean, I'm joking.

• 8:17Speaker 00

  No, but they are real. So this is, this is what this came from, right? So, um, obviously don't want to let, you know, I don't want to spoil it here, but obviously I make up them sponsors and I just write them adverts myself. It's not a real company. However, this is a real thing. So on my Instagram the other day, right? It came up and it said, um, like, uh, 20 things that only ultra rich people have in their homes, right?

• 8:37Speaker 01

  Got a crying room.

• 8:38Speaker 00

  So it said like literally 20 things that only ultra rich people have in their homes. And obviously I clicked on to see like, what if ultra rich people got, it was cinemas and shit like that. Um, crying room. And I was like, what the fuck? So I Googled it. A crying room in a residential home is a small, private, dedicated space, often converted spare closet, small alcove or quiet nook, used as personal refuge to express grief. Stress or overwhelm without judgment. So it provides a safe, private outlet for crying.

• 9:05Speaker 01

  Did you go bed?

• 9:06Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 9:06Speaker 01

  Sitting in your cupboard, never cry. So weird.

• 9:09Speaker 00

  It's so sad.

• 9:10Speaker 01

  That's, I don't think that's real.

• 9:11Speaker 00

  I'm telling you that Rosie, at the end of it.

• 9:13Speaker 01

  Nobody's got a crying room.

• 9:15Speaker 00

  It literally said, it says they are a real thing. And then it says at the end, because I Googled it, but obviously it just fucking gives you the AI straight away. If you are looking to design a quiet room, a crying room or mental health retreat in your home, let me know how much space you have available and I can help you suggest layout ideas.

• 9:29Speaker 01

  Oh my God.

• 9:30Speaker 00

  It's an actual thing.

• 9:32Speaker 01

  Where do you do all your crying?

• 9:33Speaker 00

  In the shower. So you kind of see it.

• 9:34Speaker 01

  Mine's in the shower.

• 9:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:35Speaker 01

  I love a cry in the shower.

• 9:36Speaker 00

  Cry in the shower. I just kind of see it. But you know what? Anyone walked in would think I was laughing.

• 9:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. It's all, it's true. I do, I do a lot of crying in the shower.

• 9:45Speaker 00

  Do you really?

• 9:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:46Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 9:47Speaker 01

  I haven't cried for a while actually.

• 9:49Speaker 00

  Oh, that's good.

• 9:50Speaker 01

  I don't know what you're talking about crying for.

• 9:52Speaker 00

  Oh, let's see if we can make you cry.

• 9:53Speaker 01

  Down city.

• 9:54Speaker 00

  Can we make you cry, do you think?

• 9:55Speaker 01

  You could probably.

• 9:56Speaker 00

  Really?

• 9:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:57Speaker 00

  Let's have a little, let's have, well, listen, guys, she's okay. We're both fine. But while you're listening to the do, do, do, do, do, do, we'll both be crying. We'll be right back like it never happened.

• 10:06Speaker 01

  Sorry.

• 10:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:07Speaker 01

  That, this whole hour thing is really ruining my life.

• 10:11Speaker 00

  The hour.

• 10:12Speaker 01

  The, the clocks forward, back, I don't know where I am. I'm tired. I'm fucking tired.

• 10:17Speaker 00

  We'll talk about it. It's coming up. Go on, play the, play the jingle.

• 10:19Speaker 01

  My forehead moved so much. It's disgusting.

• 10:25Speaker 00

  Sorry. News flash, a fucking forehead's supposed to move.

• 10:28Speaker 01

  Not in this day and age.

• 10:43Speaker 00

  Jingle.

• 10:44Speaker 01

  Babadu babadu babadu ba.

• 10:46Speaker 00

  Jingle. Welcome back to Shagged Married Annoyed. That was the jingle. I hope you enjoyed it. Rosie had her Ted on the desk while it was happening.

• 10:56Speaker 01

  It's a little sleepy.

• 10:57Speaker 00

  Little sleepy's. Are you okay? So what's this about the clocks? What are you upset about?

• 11:01Speaker 01

  I just think it's just messing with us. I'm just really tired. I went to bed.

• 11:06Speaker 00

  Oh, there's another.

• 11:06Speaker 01

  Last night, right? We went. I went to see friends, kids in a little dance show.

• 11:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:13Speaker 01

  And then we went for a meal. Fifteen kids. It was horrible. It was awful.

• 11:18Speaker 00

  Couldn't think of anything worse. You said, and we're going for a meal with all the little ones. I was like, that sounds like the worst thing in the world.

• 11:23Speaker 01

  Vile. At one point, they had all of their mains and then the guy was like, do you want to, I mean, he loved me, right? Because I sat them all down.

• 11:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:32Speaker 01

  And I said, the only thing that you can get is vanilla ice cream. Put your hand up if you want vanilla ice cream.

• 11:37Speaker 00

  Beautiful.

• 11:38Speaker 01

  So they all wanted an ice cream. A couple of them were like, obviously they'd been to the restaurant before and they were like, I want a brownie ma'am. And I just looked at them like this and went, there's only vanilla ice cream.

• 11:47Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 11:47Speaker 01

  So they just all had ice cream, which is great. And then I put it all on my card and I said to the girls, everybody, they've all, we've all got each other's bank details from like, we're always pay each other. So we all know each other's bank details. And if you go back in what, in the group, there's always a picture of someone anyway. So nobody even asked us for my bank details actually. So I paid the guy, I sent a picture of the receipt and I sent me bank details. Oh, they all had them anyway. And then the man was like, thank you so much.

• 12:17Speaker 00

  Because it wasn't.

• 12:18Speaker 01

  And I was like.

• 12:18Speaker 00

  I got, we got a vanilla ice cream and you got, we didn't have any garlic bread. So I was just, just fucking.

• 12:25Speaker 01

  None of the share and none of the what, just whatever you had. And then, and great. So that was all great.

• 12:30Speaker 00

  Brilliant.

• 12:30Speaker 01

  But I went to sleep last night at half past eight.

• 12:33Speaker 00

  Wow. Which was actually half past nine.

• 12:35Speaker 01

  Which was actually half past nine, which makes sense. But then the kids woke up at like 10 to six. And I'm, it's just like, I'm just really tired. I'm really sorry, everyone. I really, genuinely, I'm not mad. I'm not sad or anything. I'm, I'm really happy at the minute.

• 12:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:48Speaker 01

  But I'm ju, it's just this period. It's like a bag of dicks and then I'm just really tired.

• 12:54Speaker 00

  Oh, the periods have anything to do with the moon or have I made that up?

• 12:58Speaker 01

  Sorry.

• 12:59Speaker 00

  Does the moon have something to do with periods? If the moon changes, does it affect your period?

• 13:03Speaker 01

  No, I don't think it affects your period, but I think it affects like your moods. I don't think you have to be on your period for the moon to affect you.

• 13:12Speaker 00

  Right.

• 13:12Speaker 01

  Oh, Chris, honestly, I don't know.

• 13:14Speaker 00

  Because they're called moon cups.

• 13:18Speaker 00

  Aren't they?

• 13:19Speaker 01

  I don't, I don't think that's why.

• 13:20Speaker 00

  Okay. All I'm, like, just all I'm saying is, did that make it work?

• 13:24Speaker 01

  Tried my moon cup and do you know why?

• 13:25Speaker 00

  Why?

• 13:26Speaker 01

  And you're gonna, you're gonna be mad, but also you're gonna be like, I know you.

• 13:32Speaker 00

  Right.

• 13:32Speaker 01

  Do you know why I haven't?

• 13:34Speaker 00

  Um, you're scared in case it gets stuck.

• 13:37Speaker 01

  You've got to boil it before you use it.

• 13:39Speaker 00

  Right.

• 13:40Speaker 01

  And clean it and that. And I, and sometimes when I've started, I'm just like, I've started now.

• 13:43Speaker 00

  Right. I understand.

• 13:45Speaker 01

  So I just use tampons.

• 13:46Speaker 00

  You've got to boil it. A mouthguard?

• 13:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:48Speaker 00

  If you've got to boil it, put it in your vagina, bite down, get the shape.

• 13:54Speaker 01

  No, you don't have to do that.

• 13:55Speaker 00

  You do, yeah, you do. I'm telling everyone. I like, no take your axes. Um, yeah.

• 13:59Speaker 01

  I need you, I need to start using it though, because tampons are not agreeing with me.

• 14:02Speaker 00

  No. I did not enjoy the weekend. The weekend was extremely windy. Apparently we've got a lot more of it to come, which I'm really upset about. Yeah.

• 14:11Speaker 01

  I thought that was it? Boil you?

• 14:13Speaker 00

  Yeah. No, the whole fucking winter is going to be rank apparently.

• 14:16Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, I bought my stuff.

• 14:18Speaker 00

  Yeah. I don't want to talk about that. You just bought supplies. It's awful. Um, end of the world stuff. Um, I, someone said, I saw a thing I did about people building bunkers and stuff, like.

• 14:29Speaker 01

  Billionaires.

• 14:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, like billionaires building like end of the world bunkers and that, like.

• 14:32Speaker 01

  They're the ones who caused it because they can go fuck off. I honestly hope they go to hell. I hope they all go to hell because they're the ones who've caused it.

• 14:38Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 14:39Speaker 01

  Fucking, I hope the loneliest shit.

• 14:41Speaker 00

  Yep. Well, also, um, if you give me a choice between a bunker, living in a bunker with a 10 year old and a five year old.

• 14:49Speaker 01

  Or death.

• 14:50Speaker 00

  Or honestly, fuck that. I'll take my chances in the wastelands. I will take my chances in the wastelands. I'm not living in a hole in the ground with two children. I would, I will.

• 14:59Speaker 01

  That's like one of the worst things you've ever said. You're not invited then. You're not coming. You're not.

• 15:03Speaker 00

  I'll be in the wastelands.

• 15:04Speaker 01

  You're not invited to my bunker.

• 15:06Speaker 00

  I'll be literally in the wastelands, like Fallout four, like what's it called? Walton Goggins, half my fucking head hanging off.

• 15:11Speaker 01

  That's ridiculous. So you leave your family?

• 15:14Speaker 00

  I'm not living in a hole with two kids. I'm not living in a hole with two kids. It's no life.

• 15:17Speaker 01

  They're lovely.

• 15:18Speaker 00

  It's no life. It's no life. Get me, get me in the wastelands, fighting, Mad Max and that. I'll do all that.

• 15:26Speaker 01

  So weird.

• 15:27Speaker 00

  No, but horrible weekend with the, with the wind. Um, I.

• 15:31Speaker 01

  Nobody slept, you know? Everyone I spoke to had a horrible night.

• 15:34Speaker 00

  Loud fucking wind, right? But a weird thing happened to me because the clocks were going back as well. Uh, well, I woke up and I was like, right, I need to move here. So I moved like, I was in the loft because I, I had gigs. But I moved, I came back, back down. I went in a different bed.

• 15:47Speaker 01

  Loft is not the ideal place to sleep.

• 15:49Speaker 00

  Fucking thought the lid, it was like sleeping in a biscuit tin that someone was trying to take the lid off of. That's what it felt like.

• 15:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 15:54Speaker 00

  So I was like, I'm not turning the light on because I'll wake myself up too much. And I walked around the bed and I fucking, I hit my shin off the corner of the bed. And I've never felt like, I've never done a personal injury that bad.

• 16:06Speaker 01

  Could you have fainted?

• 16:07Speaker 00

  I could have cried. I could have cried and fainted and been sick. And my leg was bleeding. And I was like, well, I'm blatantly awake now. So I sorted my leg out and that. I made me a little bed in another room and I went down. And then I, I was like lying for ages, tossing and turning.

• 16:20Speaker 01

  Who said, did you choose Raves?

• 16:21Speaker 00

  Raves, yeah. This was like, I was tossing and turning. I was like, oh God. This was, I'd, I'd woke up at like 10 past 12. I was tossing and turning for a bit. And then I looked, I looked at the clock. It was half one. And I was like, right, half one. I was like, I've got, still got some time. And then I lay there tossing and turning for ages, right? And no shit, I looked at the clock again, what felt like ages later, it was half one. And I was like, exactly 1:31, call on 3:0 and I'd, I had left. The clocks had gone back.

• 16:51Speaker 01

  That's, that's the magic hour. It's like it never happened.

• 16:54Speaker 00

  It was insane.

• 16:55Speaker 01

  Oh my God, you should have done something really useful.

• 16:58Speaker 00

  Well, like wankers. Have a, had a wank. No, it was like.

• 17:03Speaker 01

  No, just like, you just think that's like.

• 17:04Speaker 00

  Again, that woke us up again because I forgot I was like nodding off and I was like, oh, I wonder how long. And I, and I went, what the fuck's going on? I was like, my, my phone's broke. And it was, I'm not kidding. I couldn't, I couldn't do it if I tried. 1:30, bang, lay there for an hour, 1:30, bang.

• 17:19Speaker 01

  That's pretty cool though.

• 17:20Speaker 00

  It was pretty cool. Pretty fucking irritating. Uh, it was cool. Um, side note, bed sheets need cleaning. They've got blood all over them, off my leg.

• 17:28Speaker 01

  Ew.

• 17:29Speaker 00

  So there you go.

• 17:30Speaker 01

  Well, side note, you're a grown man. You can do them yourself. Why are you telling me?

• 17:35Speaker 00

  I'm just saying we need you as a team.

• 17:37Speaker 01

  This is honest to God. Do you know what it is though? It loves to, this is, this is the gaslighting that happens though. Oh, don't, oh mate, today's not the day, sunshine. Mister fucking, your mom says that. My mom's just kissing your arse, right? Because fucking knows why, but she's obviously just being nice. When you're like, my mom says that it's tidy when I'm here. Yet you've got the audacity to come on here, on our podcast with our listeners and say, oh, by the way, the bed sheets need cleaned because I've got my blood all over them. Telling me to wash your fucking bed sheets.

• 18:10Speaker 00

  I wasn't telling you to wash them. I was just letting you know that we'll wash them. I'll wash, I, I'll wash them.

• 18:14Speaker 01

  Listen, listen right now and listen. Good, mate. I'm on my period right now. If I bled all over the bed sheets tonight, do you think I would come on this podcast and go, oh, by the way, the bed sheets need cleaned?

• 18:24Speaker 00

  No, because it's your job. Why would you tell me?

• 18:30Speaker 00

  I said it as a joke. It was a joke.

• 18:32Speaker 01

  This is what I'm saying though.

• 18:33Speaker 00

  God grief, man.

• 18:34Speaker 01

  Sometimes the way you say things, it does actually matter.

• 18:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:36Speaker 01

  Or then just FYI, them bed sheets need cleaned.

• 18:39Speaker 00

  It was just a joke. It was just a way of finishing the fucking bit. E my God, e my God.

• 18:43Speaker 01

  A bit. He's calling my life. A bit. This is our life. This is my life. This is how I have to live.

• 18:47Speaker 00

  This is like arguing with somebody who's trying to cancel us on the internet.

• 18:49Speaker 01

  This is how I have to live.

• 18:50Speaker 00

  This is why it's good practices. It's good practice.

• 18:53Speaker 01

  If you get cancelled, I'm not going down with you. I've said this for years.

• 18:55Speaker 00

  Oh, fine, fine. Um, I'll just play golf. Uh, listen, what I was gonna say was, I, fucking bring it on. What I was gonna say was, I've worked out why I hate the wind so much.

• 19:06Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 19:06Speaker 00

  Um, I don't like people fucking with me stuff, moving me stuff or breaking me stuff. And the wind is the ultimate stuff fucker with her. That like it, plant pots and stuff in the garden and things and blow stuff into your car. Did I, I think I've told you this before, but I was thinking about when I was lying in, you know, my magic hour that I stole from the universe. Um, do you know what?

• 19:28Speaker 01

  Could have killed cancer in that hour.

• 19:30Speaker 00

  In an hour? Thank you. I'm so glad you think so highly of us. Uh, all the brilliant minds in the world been working decades, but I could have done it in that hour, um, with no medical training. Um, so no. Did I tell you that when I was at school, um, like everyone's thing was they would just like nick me pencil case and pretend to draw on it and stuff because I would freak out.

• 19:48Speaker 01

  You have told me this before. Um, I fear that this might not have ever actually been on the podcast because maybe Zara might have said, don't say that.

• 19:56Speaker 01

  That's sad, isn't it?

• 19:57Speaker 00

  Like.

• 19:58Speaker 01

  So you were the kid who everyone wound up?

• 20:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, I got wound up quite a lot. Not bullied, not at all, but like just wound up a bit and just like, you know, oh, like, oh, he's got a new pencil case. It'll be funny to pretend we're writing on it because he freaks out. So it was that.

• 20:11Speaker 01

  And I hate to say it again, I hate to say it again. I was talking to Angela about this last night actually, because you're an only child.

• 20:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:18Speaker 01

  And she was an only child for 15 years before she had a brother. So she very much went through it all. So we were talking last night about.

• 20:25Speaker 00

  She had a brother? Different up here, isn't it?

• 20:33Speaker 01

  Is this gonna be for the remainder of the podcast? The shit jokes?

• 20:36Speaker 00

  Sorry.

• 20:38Speaker 01

  No, our parents had our brother.

• 20:40Speaker 00

  Obviously.

• 20:40Speaker 01

  And we're just talking about how Robin and Rafe currently, all they do is fight.

• 20:44Speaker 00

  It's unbelievable, isn't it?

• 20:45Speaker 01

  And Robin, sorry, Rafe's finally cottoned on that he like, has got a bit of strength in him.

• 20:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:50Speaker 01

  So he's just whacking him as well.

• 20:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:54Speaker 01

  So yeah, and it's just, it's just something that I'm just learning to navigate. But she was saying the same about her kids. And then I was like, I said to her, I went, Chris really can't handle the fighting.

• 21:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:03Speaker 01

  And she was like, I can't, because her husband.

• 21:06Speaker 00

  Of course.

• 21:06Speaker 01

  Her husband's one of three as well, so he's kind of like, this is what hap- like, he's telling her what I tell you. So, you know. But, but sorry, back to the pencil case.

• 21:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:16Speaker 01

  People just wound you up because that's, you're easy to wind up.

• 21:19Speaker 00

  Because I was tosser. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just to, just to prop my pressures about my stuff. But that's, that's why I hate the wind so much, because it's like, someone is trying to fuck me house up and it really upsets us.

• 21:29Speaker 01

  Babadu babadu babadu ba. Babadu babadu babadu ba. So I've got me job at the minute, me other job, which I'm thoroughly enjoying, filming the TV show, really, really, I'm loving it actually. It's intense, like, it's really long days and it's, I'm not used to it.

• 21:45Speaker 00

  No, it's, it is, yeah.

• 21:46Speaker 01

  Compared to this.

• 21:47Speaker 00

  Well, this, we're so spoiled, like.

• 21:49Speaker 01

  I know, I know.

• 21:51Speaker 00

  Stand up as well, like when I did Heben back in the day, and I was like, what, what do you mean I have to be here all day? Like, I've, I've done, I've done me bit.

• 21:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:59Speaker 00

  Well, yeah, but you've got another bit in four hours, so just chill.

• 22:01Speaker 01

  I know, it's such long days. Even the tour and stuff like that, even now at TV show, we didn't turn up till like.

• 22:06Speaker 00

  Turn up and do it.

• 22:06Speaker 01

  Three, four o'clock in the afternoon. Yeah. But this is, so I'm getting up at half five, getting my makeup done at quarter past six.

• 22:12Speaker 00

  Oh, God.

• 22:13Speaker 01

  Six some days, and then we're not wrapping until like eight o'clock at night, and I'm just like, anyway, but I'm loving it. And, but something happened, so do you know how I love a glycerin suppository?

• 22:23Speaker 00

  Oh, yes.

• 22:24Speaker 01

  Right?

• 22:24Speaker 00

  Brought them into my life. It's like a, like a hot tub in your bum bum.

• 22:28Speaker 01

  They're brilliant, right? If you're constipated, they're the best things ever, right? So.

• 22:32Speaker 00

  Again, can I just say, I wish I'd known about it or known you when I had that week of constipation when I was a touring comedian back in the day.

• 22:39Speaker 01

  Can you imagine how much that would have saved your life? So anyway, the first week, because, right, you don't know anybody, and you're in people's house, right? And you don't know anyone, and you're holding in your pumps, and it's horrible, right? Like, so me and Nathan and Claire.

• 22:53Speaker 00

  Sorry, can I just say, I would love it if you afforded me that luxury now and then, but carry on.

• 22:56Speaker 01

  Me and Nathan and Claire, right. Nathan's who I'm doing the show with, and Claire is the makeup artist. We all were just like constipated, right? So, so.

• 23:07Speaker 00

  Are they okay with you telling everyone that they're constipated?

• 23:09Speaker 01

  Who knows? Anyway. Um, but I introduced glycerin suppositories to their life.

• 23:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 23:14Speaker 01

  And I was like, I take them all the time, bloody, bloody, blah. Right, okay? And then everyone ended up talking about them and talking about constipation, and I was just like, yeah, I'm an open book, I will talk, I know, hello, hello, sound man, I've just met you, but I will tell you about.

• 23:27Speaker 00

  Iglesias, yeah, yeah.

• 23:28Speaker 01

  I don't care. But, right, what I didn't realise, we're on week three, we've just done week three. Do you know, from the first kind of day of filming?

• 23:36Speaker 00

  When you mentioned the suppositories.

• 23:37Speaker 01

  When I mentioned the suppositories, this whole team.

• 23:40Speaker 00

  Right.

• 23:40Speaker 01

  Of everybody, they all thought that I took and did a suppository every day.

• 23:48Speaker 00

  Too posh to push?

• 23:49Speaker 01

  That just literally, a vicious rumor went around the whole production team.

• 23:54Speaker 00

  Started by you inadvertently.

• 23:55Speaker 01

  I don't feel, I don't, I never said I did them every day.

• 23:58Speaker 00

  Right, well, sorry, can I just refer you?

• 24:00Speaker 01

  They assumed.

• 24:00Speaker 00

  You just, guys, did she or did she not, you just said, I take them all the time.

• 24:05Speaker 01

  Right, okay. Or by all the time, I mean twice a year.

• 24:10Speaker 01

  At the, at most.

• 24:12Speaker 00

  Oh, wow, that's, that's, that's 10 less than how many Chinese you have a year.

• 24:17Speaker 01

  Exactly. No, it was Mike, and I don't, I don't know what any of these people's jobs are called, right? I know who's important, and everyone's important, obviously, and the team.

• 24:26Speaker 00

  Good save.

• 24:27Speaker 01

  Thank you. The team is, South Yorkshire Productions, genuinely, I've never worked with before, and I'm, I really.

• 24:33Speaker 00

  They're all here the other day, they're sound, really sound.

• 24:35Speaker 01

  But, I don't know what they are, and I don't want to go. What's your job?

• 24:40Speaker 00

  I'm exactly the same.

• 24:40Speaker 01

  I know, I know what they do. I know who, they're all got their bits. Anyway, Mike, who is, I don't know what he does, but.

• 24:47Speaker 00

  I hope he's the sound guy, because it would be me.

• 24:48Speaker 01

  He's not the sound guy, he's not the sound guy, he's like the director.

• 24:51Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, D O P. Yeah, he is, he's D O P.

• 24:54Speaker 01

  Mike made a flippant comment of, oh yeah, well, you do suppositories, don't you, every day? I was like, excuse me, excuse, excuse me, Michael, D O P or whatever you do, who, who told you I do a suppository every single day?

• 25:11Speaker 00

  Every day is ludicrous.

• 25:13Speaker 01

  And then, so I, so I had to assemble the whole production team.

• 25:19Speaker 01

  I know, I made a mini, no, I made an announcement. Yes, I did.

• 25:22Speaker 00

  I made a mini announcement, right?

• 25:25Speaker 01

  I made a mini announcement, I don't think everybody was there, but I just said, look, guys, I hear there's a vicious rumor going around that I am sticking up glycerin suppositories willy nilly, and I said, absolutely not. It's for very, it's for diet, and I, and I also don't suggest that you do that every day, because.

• 25:40Speaker 00

  No, of course not, I'm sure it would be bad, no, it would be bad, very bad.

• 25:42Speaker 01

  So then they were all just quacking like, oh, phew, thank God for that, can you make this flapjack and shut the fuck up?

• 25:48Speaker 00

  Cancel them nappies we've ordered for the presenter.

• 25:50Speaker 01

  I just was like, when did this, like, talk about?

• 25:54Speaker 00

  Every, gather round everyone, hear ye, hear ye.

• 26:00Speaker 01

  But the most important.

• 26:01Speaker 00

  Oh, I missed the, I missed the meeting yesterday, what was the meeting about? Oh, Rosie just gathered everyone up and said she doesn't use suppositories every day, which in all honesty, made we all think that she definitely does, probably two a day.

• 26:12Speaker 00

  She farted constantly throughout the meeting, it was unbelievable. Less fart, more bubbles, glycerin bubbles.

• 26:17Speaker 01

  Real bowel problems. Yeah, so that was just, yeah.

• 26:20Speaker 00

  Do you know what I love about a glycerin suppository?

• 26:22Speaker 01

  Come on, yeah, how are you?

• 26:23Speaker 00

  Do you know what?

• 26:23Speaker 01

  What?

• 26:23Speaker 00

  Can everyone remember the Nicolas Cage and Sean Connery movie, The Rock? Where they're on Alcatraz?

• 26:31Speaker 01

  Hang on, no.

• 26:32Speaker 00

  Welcome to The Rock.

• 26:33Speaker 01

  No, welcome to The Rock.

• 26:35Speaker 00

  Nope.

• 26:35Speaker 01

  I'm.

• 26:36Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, no, no, no, stop.

• 26:40Speaker 00

  Look at your face, no. Nicolas Cage, FBI, and it's the, you know, they've got the.

• 26:45Speaker 01

  No, I don't remember it, it's not a film I would have watched, I would have hated it. How old was I when it came out?

• 26:50Speaker 00

  You watched it at night, you watched it.

• 26:51Speaker 01

  Unless, unless a boy I fancy'd put it on, mid finger, I wouldn't have watched it.

• 26:56Speaker 00

  Well, you watched it at my apartment in Manchester.

• 26:59Speaker 01

  Oh, that's embarrassing, because I don't remember. Was that the weekend I was too busy holding me fart in?

• 27:05Speaker 00

  You would have killed yourself for a suppository then.

• 27:08Speaker 01

  Didn't watch Blade Runner as well, but I fell asleep.

• 27:10Speaker 00

  They're green, and point is, a glycerin suppository, some of them that you buy, they're green, and they look exactly like the sarin gas balls that are in the, the missiles in The Rock. And I always feel like I'm defusing some kind of bomb when I put one in, it's great.

• 27:25Speaker 01

  They look like, there'll, there'll be many a people now listening.

• 27:27Speaker 00

  You're defusing a bomb, you're right.

• 27:28Speaker 01

  Guys, you can get them from, like, I don't think you can get them in supermarkets, you can get them in Boots, and you can get them like, the pharmacies and super drugs and all that kind of stuff. Get some in, because they are, they're amazing.

• 27:40Speaker 00

  I know, obviously, like, read all the packaging, we're not just saying, just use them willy nilly, but do not just, when, when someone asks you where some, you get something, just say what you used to, what people used to say when you were a kid.

• 27:49Speaker 01

  What?

• 27:50Speaker 00

  Ask us where you get glycerin suppositories.

• 27:51Speaker 01

  Where do you get glycerin suppositories?

• 27:52Speaker 00

  Glycerin suppository shop.

• 27:55Speaker 01

  God, I'm glad they all took your pencil case. You are, you're a bellin'.

• 28:00Speaker 00

  You know what, I just went and got another one from the pencil case shop.

• 28:03Speaker 01

  Bleh. Babadu babadu babadu ba. Guys, before he joins in, two things have just happened.

• 28:09Speaker 00

  Oh, God.

• 28:09Speaker 01

  Off mic. One thing, Chris said, you know what, you're actually being really funny, well done, because I'm period wise.

• 28:16Speaker 00

  Even though you're trying to bring everything down.

• 28:17Speaker 01

  And then you also said, for the beefs that we're about to do, he said, don't take it too seriously, which makes me think.

• 28:23Speaker 00

  Because sometimes you're like, you'll just go like, you'll go like full, yeah, you'll go full on and you're like.

• 28:28Speaker 01

  All right, okay, well, read the room, dickhead, it's today of the day to do a really thingy beef while I'm dying.

• 28:33Speaker 00

  The thing is, it's not, but you, there's a chance you will take it into the end of the degree.

• 28:37Speaker 01

  Depends what it is.

• 28:38Speaker 00

  Oh, boy, I don't, I can't give a fuck anymore.

• 28:41Speaker 00

  Can't give a fuck anymore.

• 28:43Speaker 01

  We know we love each other, we're nowhere together forever, so what's it gonna be?

• 28:47Speaker 00

  Fair enough. It's not that, you've built it up, right? Listen, first of all, right, very unprofessional, it's time for what's your beef?

• 28:53Speaker 01

  What's beef?

• 28:54Speaker 00

  Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. See, a lot of you think that I have them pre-recorded, but I don't, I just say the same every single time.

• 29:00Speaker 01

  Awesome. Sorry, I love glycerin suppositories, and I also love beef jerky, which everybody hates on set.

• 29:06Speaker 00

  Yes, so you.

• 29:07Speaker 01

  They get very upset when I eat it in the car.

• 29:09Speaker 00

  So you told me to get some beef jerky for me tour, and I said, no, it fucking stinks, and you said, no, it doesn't, and then the next thing I saw was your Instagram story, of you eating it next to Nathan, and he was like devastated.

• 29:18Speaker 01

  I love, well, I'm not being funny, it's healthier than a pack of crisps.

• 29:21Speaker 00

  It's chemical warfare, it's unfair, you are the person who microwaves yesterday's mackerel in the fucking office microwave, that's you.

• 29:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:28Speaker 00

  Yes. So, do you want me to go first with my beef? So my beef with you, again, it's not that bad, but it's just, it's just the fundamental gigantic difference between me and you as people. This morning, I, I opened the drawer where we keep all the children's plates, and we've got two, and I, I, I'm gonna call them this, we've got two, what I like to call prison plates. That Rafe uses, so there's three, like, sections. He likes it all separately, he puts his little thing, there's like three or four sections of these blue prison plates, and one of them's gone missing.

• 30:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:01Speaker 00

  And I thought, it must be in a room where Robin's been sitting, watching, you know, playing on the Playstation or watching his telly or something like that, so where's that? And I couldn't find it, and I looked in research, who knows the different rooms, and I went to you, what are these prison plates is missing? And what did you say?

• 30:14Speaker 01

  I said, I know where it is.

• 30:15Speaker 00

  And I said, where? And you said?

• 30:17Speaker 01

  It's in the car.

• 30:18Speaker 00

  It's in me car. In what fucking universe is a dinner plate in your car?

• 30:24Speaker 01

  Are you gonna eat your words? Because it's in me car, although, okay. No, hang on, that is, so, it's in the car because I dropped, I had to take Robin to scooter the other day, and Rafe really didn't want to come. And I needed to go to the shop as well, so I was like, oh, I'll drop him off at me mum's. But when I made the decision to drop him off at me mum's, he was halfway through his tea, so I put his tea on his prison plate in like a jiffy bag, and he took it to me mum's. And me mum, you know, gave us his plate back the other day, so it's still in the car.

• 30:59Speaker 00

  Right.

• 30:59Speaker 01

  Because I had full hands, and I just looked at the plate and I thought, I can't, so it's in the car.

• 31:05Speaker 00

  So instead, sorry, all of that to me isn't, but instead of saying me hands were full, you've just said, something I've never heard, I had full hands.

• 31:14Speaker 00

  I've never heard someone say that like that.

• 31:27Speaker 00

  I would have helped if I had full hands. You had what?

• 31:31Speaker 01

  I had full hands?

• 31:32Speaker 00

  That's so weird.

• 31:34Speaker 01

  That's, that is the same.

• 31:37Speaker 00

  My hands were full?

• 31:38Speaker 01

  I just, I had full hands.

• 31:40Speaker 00

  No, it doesn't work.

• 31:45Speaker 00

  It just doesn't work. It sounds, it sounds like you're on staff, let's flat.

• 31:50Speaker 01

  I had full hands. I have lost the plot. And my hands were full. No, you're right. Okay. All right. God, God.

• 31:57Speaker 00

  Oh, yes.

• 31:57Speaker 01

  Damn it.

• 31:58Speaker 00

  Look at that. Look at the laugh and the stop.

• 32:00Speaker 01

  But yeah, no, the plate is, it's in me car, but it is clean.

• 32:03Speaker 00

  Great.

• 32:03Speaker 01

  And I just, I just couldn't bear it. You know, sometimes when you just look at me and go, oh.

• 32:07Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 32:08Speaker 01

  Like.

• 32:08Speaker 00

  Getting back, getting back from school or getting back from somewhere with them kids. If you get back and you've popped at the shops on the way back and you've got to get them out of the car, get all of their stuff out of the car, get them in the house and then get the shop and put it. It's like, yeah, stuff will fall by the wayside. But again, just proves when I'm not here, lawless fucking wasteland. There's dinner plates in cars, there's chairs on the roof, there's fucking lamps in the shed, there's hell on.

• 32:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, basically. Yeah. Sorry about that.

• 32:31Speaker 00

  Fine. What's your beef, darling?

• 32:32Speaker 01

  My beef with you is, I've got two actually, I don't know which one to do.

• 32:35Speaker 00

  Do you know what? If you want, I'll, I'll, because you're not feeling well, I'll let you do both if you like.

• 32:40Speaker 01

  Right. Brilliant.

• 32:42Speaker 00

  A little, a momentary bit of hesitation would have been nice.

• 32:45Speaker 01

  So the first one is, very on brand, kind of topical.

• 32:51Speaker 01

  The government, whoever the government is these days, I don't fucking know.

• 32:54Speaker 00

  It's the billionaires that just do.

• 32:56Speaker 01

  No, the government. They told me to stockpile everything.

• 32:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:59Speaker 01

  Blah de blah.

• 33:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:01Speaker 01

  I couldn't talk that, I couldn't talk to you about that.

• 33:05Speaker 00

  Yeah. No, it upsets us, it triggers us, yeah.

• 33:07Speaker 01

  There's a whole part of me life that I can't talk to my husband about because, no, because you can do it. No, no, no, no. If you're leaving for a gig, if you're leaving to go to work for a gig, I can't talk to you about that because I'll ruin your day.

• 33:20Speaker 00

  I've got to be happy clown. I've got to be happy clown. And plus I'd already had a shower. I'd already had a shower. I can't have another one to go and do me crying.

• 33:26Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, so sometimes, I just sometimes think, what's in me life? I can't talk to my husband about current affairs.

• 33:33Speaker 00

  First of all, everyone, they haven't told us to stockpile stuff indefinitely.

• 33:37Speaker 01

  They actually did.

• 33:37Speaker 00

  They, they didn't. What they said was, because you went, they've told us to stockpile, they've told us to put stuff in, war, this, that. I looked it up. They've said for inclement weather, for, you know.

• 33:49Speaker 01

  It's a nice word.

• 33:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, for all of this stuff, because we're going to apparently have a bit of a monkey winter, because we've had a fucking really hot summer. You know, if the power goes off, just be prepared, like for stuff like that. They didn't say, stockpile everything now, it's shit hitting the fan. But you, you put it out as that, you gave us a little bit of it and I went, well, who said it? And you went, government. I went, well, where? And you went, news. And I went on BBC news and it wasn't there.

• 34:10Speaker 01

  It was, it was everywhere.

• 34:11Speaker 00

  It wasn't, it wasn't when I was chatting with you. It was very vague what you gave us. And then as I was asking questions, you were going, why are you freaking out? And I was like, because you've given us no fucking information.

• 34:19Speaker 01

  Well, we're going to be fine because something arrived today that I forgot that I'd ordered. I ordered two straws that you can drink like puddle water with.

• 34:32Speaker 01

  So honestly, Chris, me and you, I know I said it before, I know I said once that I wouldn't want to survive as a zombie apocalypse. I've changed my whole mind and I will be surviving and we've got the straws, we'll be fine. I've ordered so much stuff. Sorry, I know you're not meant to be paranoid, but honestly, the pandemic really affected us, right? Where I actually never thought that I'd have to stay in the house for two years. Like, it was just insane. Couldn't, couldn't cuddle me nana. It was vile. So when they said, guys, you're going to need some stuff. Listen, I've got the stuff and I've got them straws and I forgot, kind of forgot. I've got the torches with the solar power.

• 35:10Speaker 00

  I just love that. It, it just, it just seems, I might be wrong here. Again, don't panic, we're just chatting about this.

• 35:15Speaker 01

  No, I, I didn't mean to panic you. I haven't actually bought that much, like.

• 35:19Speaker 00

  She's just half, I think. You know what? Bottom line, she just likes order and stuff.

• 35:22Speaker 01

  There is that.

• 35:23Speaker 00

  Yeah. So basically.

• 35:25Speaker 01

  I did get three packs of super noodles.

• 35:27Speaker 00

  Fucking super noodles and straws for puddle water? Jesus. Boil puddle water, you nutter? Them, you boil, you boil rainwater and you clean it?

• 35:38Speaker 01

  What if we don't have gas? We're definitely, we've got one gas hob and an electric.

• 35:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:44Speaker 01

  What are the electricity goes? We've got the gas hob.

• 35:47Speaker 00

  We've got three log stoves and a fuckload of wood.

• 35:49Speaker 01

  Right. Well then, thank you. Do you know what it is?

• 35:52Speaker 00

  I'm drinking the.

• 35:52Speaker 01

  Can I tell you right now?

• 35:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:54Speaker 01

  Do you know that answer? That would have been lovely the other day. Not.

• 35:57Speaker 00

  You weren't talking to us. You weren't talking to us. You were on your phone completely ignoring us. First of all, I'm drinking the hot tub water before I drink any fucking puddles. So there's that. And what was I going to say?

• 36:06Speaker 01

  I just want you to know that I've got your back. We're going to be fine.

• 36:08Speaker 00

  Great. I just love that they've basically, from, from what I can gather, they've stopped trying to fix anything with global warming and they've just gone, ah, just stockpile stuff because, you know, AI, we need, we need the data centers and we need, we need them to just use all the fucking water. So, you know, I just have some, live in the dark with some fucking soup and be happy.

• 36:25Speaker 01

  Hate them.

• 36:26Speaker 00

  I'm fucking sick.

• 36:27Speaker 01

  Anyway, listen, I've got, I've got another beef. You said I could have two?

• 36:31Speaker 00

  Yes, go for it.

• 36:31Speaker 01

  I'm going to.

• 36:33Speaker 00

  Can it not be apocalypse themed?

• 36:34Speaker 01

  No, it's not going to be. And I promise, as well, you know.

• 36:37Speaker 00

  Don't worry everyone for fuck's sake.

• 36:38Speaker 01

  Don't worry. And as well, you're speaking to people who, like zombie movies are like, oh, I favour things.

• 36:43Speaker 00

  And Rosie, I'm a catastrophizer and Rosie, I've been, a psychiatrist has told me that I'm a catastrophizer. Rosie likes to claim that she's laid back and not a catastrophizer, but she very much is. She just pretends she isn't. So there's that.

• 36:57Speaker 01

  I'm not a catastrophizer.

• 36:59Speaker 00

  You are a bit.

• 36:59Speaker 01

  Oh, no, I'm a planner. That's the thing. You've married, you're catastrophizer. I'm not catastrophizing about it, but I'm telling you right now, if it happens, I'd like to be prepared.

• 37:09Speaker 00

  Good.

• 37:10Speaker 01

  So that's not, I'm not worried about it, but I'm just kind of like, you know what it is though? And where's everyone going to come knocking?

• 37:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:16Speaker 01

  Eh? Our door. I'm a fixer, mate. That's what people do. So I want to be prepared. I don't want to turn them away. I want to go, look here.

• 37:24Speaker 01

  Borrow me straw.

• 37:26Speaker 01

  Just wash it after you.

• 37:28Speaker 00

  Come on then, what's your second beef?

• 37:29Speaker 01

  Should I do it? Do you want it?

• 37:31Speaker 00

  Go for it.

• 37:31Speaker 01

  You're, you're breeding spoiled brats.

• 37:36Speaker 00

  Right.

• 37:37Speaker 01

  You're breeding spoiled brats. It's Robin's birthday tomorrow.

• 37:39Speaker 00

  Right.

• 37:39Speaker 01

  I have bought him a very decent amount of presents.

• 37:42Speaker 00

  Thank you very much, by the way. I had nothing to do with that. I love you. You're amazing. Thank you.

• 37:46Speaker 01

  You're welcome. So he got a bike during the summer because his bike broke. And I was like, Robin, this is your birthday present. Because I just don't think you should be buying your kids. We can afford it, right?

• 37:56Speaker 00

  Absolutely not. No, but I couldn't, yeah.

• 37:58Speaker 01

  We're, we are very, we're very aware, we're in a very privileged position where we can afford to buy our children a bike in summer, right? Not, not everybody can. I grew up in a house where you couldn't, like, it would be Christmas or birthdays. So, but I would like our children to live that. Just because we can afford it.

• 38:16Speaker 00

  Can we just explain that we got him the bike in the summer because?

• 38:19Speaker 01

  His was broke and he wanted to play out.

• 38:20Speaker 00

  It was broke and he wanted to play out on bike. And I was like, well, yeah, but this is your birthday.

• 38:24Speaker 01

  Yes, because he needs to know that's your big birthday present, right? But he's trying, he's trying to wangle it itself out of it. But I told you I bought him all the presents. You're, you're literally like, come and put some money in a card. And I'm like, why?

• 38:36Speaker 00

  Because I feel like I've got him, it was just because it was me. I feel like I've got him nothing. So.

• 38:39Speaker 01

  No, you, you spoil them so much, right? Which is fine. I know, but, but then, then the, the, the moment that they express any sort of like spoiled brat behaviour or anything, you're down their throats and you are the cause of that.

• 38:56Speaker 00

  No, well, I say every time that I say this is your mother, this spoiling you.

• 38:59Speaker 01

  I don't spoil them.

• 39:00Speaker 00

  No, I'm joking. No, you don't. You're amazing and I know, and I'm just soft. I'm just soft. I'm sorry. And everyone, I say it every night on the tour, I say, I spend so much time slagging them off and you, you get it in the neck as well. But then I'm like, I'm full of shit because.

• 39:12Speaker 01

  I know, but I'm, listen, he's fine. He's, he's bloody more than fine.

• 39:17Speaker 00

  Good.

• 39:17Speaker 01

  Although he wants one of these blimmin' keyboard things, but he's getting that for Christmas. That's a big one.

• 39:21Speaker 00

  For the computer, like a.

• 39:22Speaker 01

  Two hundred quid. It's like this mini piano thing.

• 39:25Speaker 00

  I've seen them. Yeah. It's like a thing that, yeah, yeah.

• 39:28Speaker 01

  I think at least he'll use it.

• 39:29Speaker 00

  Maybe.

• 39:30Speaker 01

  Anyway, yeah, so just.

• 39:34Speaker 00

  Two beefs.

• 39:35Speaker 01

  Just be aware, they don't need, they've got enough.

• 39:38Speaker 00

  I know. I know. I'm just.

• 39:40Speaker 01

  Pensilcase boy. Babadu babadu babadu ba. Babadu babadu babadu ba.

• 39:46Speaker 00

  It's time for questions from the public.

• 39:51Speaker 00

  As always, if you'd like to get in touch, it is shagged married annoyed at gmail dot com to send us a long form.

• 39:56Speaker 01

  You haven't brought the little thing?

• 39:57Speaker 00

  I don't. I haven't brought it over. A lovely girl, a lady, I've got the letter in another room. And she's made with a lovely little plaque with the number on that. It's, the way it's done, I think it's specifically designed so it can hook over my desk so I can just look at it.

• 40:12Speaker 01

  Gorgeous. Reeve, Reeve pulled the seven off.

• 40:15Speaker 00

  Yes, I know. I'm going to have to, yeah, yeah. So if you want to send a voice note, zero seven eight seven four four zero six six five zero. I will use the plaque that someone sent with. Thank you very much. It was very nice. It's very nice. But I just haven't brought it over because it's the school holidays and there's hell on. Right.

• 40:30Speaker 01

  Hi Chris and Rosie.

• 40:31Speaker 00

  Hiya.

• 40:31Speaker 01

  I love hearing the stories from listeners and always wish I had one to tell. Anyway, now I do.

• 40:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:36Speaker 01

  Well, congratulations. My two-year-old goes weekly to swimming lessons and is always a little cold and grumpy afterwards. So I make sure I have a dummy to hand to cheer him up. This week, I pulled the dummy out of the bag, but unfortunately dropped it on the floor. Without hesitation, I picked up his dummy and put it in my mouth to clean it, which is vile, but we all do it. Ugh.

• 40:58Speaker 00

  It's kind of like my germs are better than floor germs.

• 41:01Speaker 01

  Have you ever seen a dad do that?

• 41:02Speaker 00

  Um, I've done it in the past, I think.

• 41:06Speaker 01

  To my children?

• 41:07Speaker 00

  Ah, to be fair, no, I think.

• 41:08Speaker 01

  Why is it gross if a dad does? I don't mean to be sexist, but just like get your, get your mouth out, me children and stuff.

• 41:15Speaker 00

  Right, okay, fair enough. Can you remember during Covid where, I was thinking about this today, during Covid where someone said that, that, uh, they took their grandkids to the park? Um, but they didn't have any sanitizer. So they just spat on the grandkid's hands and rubbed it together. Remember that? Someone emailed us and we were like, what the fuck?

• 41:34Speaker 01

  I absolutely don't remember that. And that is what, why, wild times.

• 41:38Speaker 00

  Licked my grandkid's hands and rubbed them like.

• 41:39Speaker 01

  Why? That's not, that's not the answer.

• 41:42Speaker 00

  So I did the exact thing, like more than ever that everyone was telling me not to do, like madness. Anyway, come on.

• 41:47Speaker 01

  I think we all just went a bit nuts. In their defence.

• 41:50Speaker 00

  No one knew what was going on.

• 41:51Speaker 01

  In their defence, like, have we? Listen, anyway, she's picked off the floor and she's put it in her mouth to clean it like other mothers, like any other mother would do.

• 41:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 42:00Speaker 01

  Only to find that on this occasion, the dummy had picked up something from the floor.

• 42:04Speaker 00

  Oh, fuck off.

• 42:06Speaker 01

  I felt an unfamiliar texture on my tongue. And when I removed the item from my tongue, I realised, I realised it was a long, wiry pubic.

• 42:15Speaker 00

  Oh, New York.

• 42:18Speaker 01

  It's probably one place I wouldn't have licked the dummy.

• 42:21Speaker 00

  Listen, you absolutely took one for the team for your two year old there. You took that pub in the mouth so your two year, and this is not something I ever thought I would have to say, but you took that pub in the mouth so your two year old didn't have to.

• 42:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, for the kids, for the kids. That is true, honestly.

• 42:40Speaker 00

  That is, that is, that is, honestly, that's up there with jumping in front of a bullet for your children. Well done.

• 42:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:45Speaker 00

  You should be proud of yourself.

• 42:46Speaker 01

  Like, good, good mum.

• 42:49Speaker 00

  Brush your teeth.

• 42:50Speaker 01

  It's fine. I can say, this is the lady, I can only hope it was post swim pub, which has been bathed in chlorine, that is there, true. Safe to say, we're giving up the dummy to the fairies now.

• 43:03Speaker 00

  Oh, the pub fairies?

• 43:04Speaker 01

  The pubby fairies. Babadoobabadoobabadoobah. Hi Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous, not least since I'm writing to you whilst desperately trying to make the time go quicker on a boring afternoon at work. At least the sound of me typing on the keyboard makes it sound like I'm busy. That's true. This story comes to you from one of two one night stands I've ever had.

• 43:26Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 43:26Speaker 01

  Two was two too many.

• 43:28Speaker 00

  Get you.

• 43:29Speaker 01

  Just wrote that really well. But we've all got to be a little slaggy sometimes, yeah.

• 43:33Speaker 00

  Well, you've got to get it out of your bloody system, man, come on.

• 43:37Speaker 01

  I matched with a guy on Hinge, went out for one drink, which turned into several drinks and decided to go back to his place.

• 43:44Speaker 00

  Woo!

• 43:45Speaker 01

  Yeah!

• 43:50Speaker 00

  What the hell's the matter with us, dude? What was that?

• 43:53Speaker 01

  Absolute losers.

• 43:55Speaker 00

  Forty year old, forty year old married parent, woo, went back to his, come on, girl!

• 44:00Speaker 01

  Get up, yeah, get up, yeah. When we got into his room, we wasted no time in removing each other's clothes and getting into his bed.

• 44:07Speaker 00

  Whoa, whoa.

• 44:09Speaker 01

  There was very little foreplay and suddenly I found myself on my back with him kneeling in front of me.

• 44:14Speaker 00

  Heavens above.

• 44:18Speaker 01

  I waited expectedly for him to reach into a drawer somewhere and find a condom, but instead he started violently wanking himself off.

• 44:28Speaker 00

  Violently.

• 44:30Speaker 01

  After a minute or so, a little confused, I asked him if everything was okay. I could see that he'd had no trouble getting erect, so I was confused as to why we weren't getting on with it. He replied, yeah, no, I'm fine. I'd just like to finish myself off before we start otherwise I only last for 30 seconds.

• 44:50Speaker 01

  So I then lay there, watching him for about five minutes, falls close at the five hours when you're just watching this unfold. Eventually he managed to finish, this is awful, and I thought that I was finally going to get what I came for, or should I say what he came for?

• 45:05Speaker 00

  What the hell?

• 45:06Speaker 01

  Very good, very good. Unfortunately, he then had a little trouble getting himself re-erect in order to start the deed.

• 45:13Speaker 00

  This is insane!

• 45:15Speaker 01

  So I then found myself again lying on my back, watching him aggressively tug himself off whilst muttering, come on, come on! Under his breath, trying to encourage his little guy to cooperate. At some point he did decide to play ball and we were able to begin. And perhaps the funniest turn of events ever, he proceeded to still only last 30 seconds, hence making the past 20 minutes entirely pointless.

• 45:40Speaker 00

  The worst. That's the worst. Hey, no shade, right, like on, on, on, you know, premature ejaculation and all that, you know, it must be the worst.

• 45:48Speaker 01

  I've got something to tell yous, like, I genuinely, if, as a woman here, right, who has some sexual experience, I just think that we're not actually that bothered.

• 45:59Speaker 00

  I think porn's made men believe that it should be 25 minutes, four different positions, all this fucking crap.

• 46:06Speaker 01

  Take it from me, genuinely, one night stand, if it's gonna last forever, I don't want it. Nobody, no woman wants it.

• 46:13Speaker 00

  I believe your exact quote back in the day was, pass me the canister.

• 46:17Speaker 01

  Pass it, yeah, it's sore, it's hurt, you're drunk. Honestly, women just want to cuddle until they're that were pretty. I don't honestly think, maybe it's a little bit of, if I could know that like two minutes, if it's gonna last two minutes, I don't wanna, yes.

• 46:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know what you mean.

• 46:35Speaker 01

  And also, if you end up really liking the person, it won't matter, like, it doesn't matter, we all understand.

• 46:42Speaker 00

  But then you revisit it and you say, next time it'll be better and bloody, bloody, blah, but you're just gonna fucking,

• 46:47Speaker 01

  Well, that's a thing.

• 46:48Speaker 00

  Put someone off for like, I mean, I guarantee you didn't see this guy again, you had to sit and watch him.

• 46:52Speaker 01

  It's disgusting, how vile is that?

• 46:53Speaker 00

  That's one of the worst things I've ever heard. I just, again, I think porn's to blame.

• 46:58Speaker 01

  I hate porn for this.

• 46:59Speaker 00

  I think men think, oh, I need to be, it needs to be a 45 minute, porn, because, right, it used to just be your mate who was a bullshitter, was like, oh yeah, me and this, I took her back, oh yeah, like, do it for an hour, I was sweating a million different positions, while in one room, then another room, you weren't, you weren't, you weren't, you weren't, you're lying.

• 47:15Speaker 01

  Also, another thing, sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean, no, like, genuinely, you know, when they're like, oh, in the, in the kitchen, I went, ow, ow? I'm only five foot one.

• 47:26Speaker 00

  And cold, cold, you're heating on in every room.

• 47:29Speaker 01

  Like, yeah, just bendy over exotic sex. No, thank you. I'm too small.

• 47:39Speaker 01

  Sorry.

• 47:40Speaker 00

  Listen, I just think.

• 47:42Speaker 01

  I'd lied when we did, we're, we're used to, I know we did, we have, we have.

• 47:46Speaker 00

  Right.

• 47:47Speaker 01

  And honestly, Chris, didn't really enjoy it because I'm too short and I was lying, because actually it was major uncomfortable. The minute that we stopped having all of that kind of like, let's do it in every room, that changed my life, I swear to God. I'm sorry, and, and I might be the, I might be the minority, there might be women listening to this going, oh my God, I love it, I love getting bent over the kitchen island. That's fine, they're probably five foot six, right, short women, it's not a thing that.

• 48:17Speaker 00

  So are you claiming five foot six is tall?

• 48:19Speaker 01

  It's pretty tall.

• 48:20Speaker 00

  What are you?

• 48:21Speaker 01

  Five one.

• 48:21Speaker 00

  Ah, right, okay. I get you.

• 48:24Speaker 01

  You're talking an extra, like, it's a good amount.

• 48:28Speaker 00

  I understand.

• 48:28Speaker 01

  It's, when you're short, it's, I don't think anyone ever talks about, I don't think I've ever mentioned this before.

• 48:35Speaker 00

  Right.

• 48:35Speaker 01

  But it's harder to have, like, bendy over sex when you're short.

• 48:39Speaker 00

  Really?

• 48:40Speaker 01

  Yes!

• 48:41Speaker 00

  Wow. I didn't know that.

• 48:44Speaker 01

  Do you not remember having to crouch down a little bit?

• 48:46Speaker 00

  I remember getting cramp, backs of my legs.

• 48:48Speaker 01

  You, literally, you were like this, do you remember?

• 48:50Speaker 00

  Don't do it.

• 48:51Speaker 01

  But look!

• 48:55Speaker 01

  But that's not how it is in the movies.

• 48:57Speaker 00

  No, it's not.

• 48:58Speaker 01

  So.

• 48:59Speaker 00

  But yeah, that's what I was getting, that's to bring back to me point, that it's quick in the movies, in lots of movies, it's dead passionate, dead quick, and it doesn't matter.

• 49:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:10Speaker 00

  That's what that guy should have had in his head, rather than trying to bloody prepare himself for some kind of sex marathon.

• 49:15Speaker 01

  It's just, that, what a horrible thing to have to watch.

• 49:18Speaker 00

  In Eight Mile, they have a dead, really, really quick sex scene in the factory, and you go, yeah, they both had a lovely time there, it's in the factory, bang, bang, bang, done.

• 49:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:30Speaker 01

  And as well, I mean, if you're gonna see them again, then you can obviously have more regular sex and then it would last, it would last longer. But there's something mint, I think, as, as well, like, if, if somebody does, a man, like, comes straight away, you're like, oh.

• 49:46Speaker 00

  Still got it.

• 49:47Speaker 01

  Like, yeah, I don't know, but when it takes some ages, you go, oh my God, I'm Shrek, like, so, I think.

• 49:59Speaker 01

  So, by this point, it was the early hours in the morning, so I decided just to stay over and make up that I had something on early in the morning so I could get up and go. I sat in a lawn for eight, got up, threw my clothes on and legged out the door. I was wearing flared leggings and a fairly booby bodysuit, AKA the most obvious walk of shame outfit ever, made even worse by the fact it was absolutely pissing it down. I waited at the bus stop, no shelter, obviously, for five minutes, and was soaked through, to the point when I got on the bus, the bus driver looked at me with more pity than I've ever received in my life and just said, oh dear.

• 50:31Speaker 00

  Oh dear, oh dear.

• 50:34Speaker 01

  I had left my car in town since I had originally driven, having only planned to have one drink and make my excuses. God, and then just getting cummed on? Awful.

• 50:42Speaker 00

  Wanked at, cummed on.

• 50:44Speaker 01

  It says, so by me wasn't such a slag, than ever I'll.

• 50:47Speaker 00

  Wanked at, cummed on and possibly a parking ticket. What a night.

• 50:50Speaker 01

  Well, listen, so I got off the bus in town, sent and I walked back to my car, only to discover the place I'd parked becomes pedestrianised after nine PM and I had a ticket on my windscreen.

• 50:58Speaker 00

  There it is.

• 50:58Speaker 01

  So there you go. Do you want one more?

• 51:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:02Speaker 01

  Hi Rosie and Chris, a few years ago, my partner and a few of my friends and I were making our way home after a uni night out in Bristol, when we came across a couple having a bit of an argument. As we walked past, we overheard the woman say to the bloke in the most Bristolian accent, if I didn't have my subway in my hand, I would slap you right now.

• 51:21Speaker 01

  We absolutely lost it. We loved the sheer commitment to protecting her precious post night out takeaway, even in the face of a heated argument. Fast forward to today and this random overheard comment has become a permanent part of our vocabulary. Whenever one of us is getting on someone else's nerves or we disagree about something, we'll inevitably pull out the classic, if I didn't have a subway in my hand, and of course butchering the accent at the same time, there you go.

• 51:43Speaker 00

  Brilliant. If I didn't have a subway in my hand, I'd slap you.

• 51:45Speaker 01

  If I didn't have a subway in my hand, I would slap you.

• 51:48Speaker 00

  Fantastic, fantastic.

• 51:50Speaker 01

  Just start, honestly, everyone, just keep being people.

• 51:53Speaker 00

  Just keep, yeah, being yourselves, keep being yourselves and keep reporting to us when you hear someone being themselves in a hilarious way.

• 51:59Speaker 01

  Have I done okay?

• 52:01Speaker 00

  You've done, do you know what it is? You've done absolutely fantastic. Well done. We'll call it a day. Well done.

• 52:06Speaker 01

  I wish I had a crime, I wish I had a little crime.

• 52:14Speaker 01

  Thank you so much for listening and watching this specific episode of Shag My Noid, I'm sorry if I've been.

• 52:19Speaker 00

  Do you know what it is? I think we're gonna all agree, you've actually been really lovely to be fair, you've been a lot better than I thought you were gonna be. I don't know if I'm gonna get balked afterwards, you've been saving it all up.

• 52:26Speaker 01

  No, no, no, this genuinely cheers us up.

• 52:29Speaker 00

  I think we've had a good laugh, we've laughed through it and I think we're both very, very much looking forward to a curry tonight. I'm so excited, I'm so excited. Guys, as always.

• 52:38Speaker 01

  In an hour, mate.

• 52:39Speaker 00

  In an hour's time. As always, guys, if you wanna get in touch, it's [email protected], voice notes is 07874406650. Thank you so much for listening, thank you so much for watching, we'll be back in the air and eyes next week.

• 52:53Speaker 01

  Bye, love you.