Friday the thirteenth, the three drain superstition and Chris gives Rosie the major ick!

This week on Shagged Married Annoyed, Chris and Rosie get into Five Guys chips, Rosie’s beef with ultra-strength juice and a truly harrowing hotel story. Plus, Chris’s shopping trolley habits have given Rosie the ultimate ick! They tackle shopping solutions, the joy of soup and a sandwich versus a proper lunch, packed lunches and Rosie reveals who hasn’t heard of the three-drain superstition! There’s a musical voice note, a French twist on the new feature and, as always, some absolute cracking emails. Enjoy! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [email protected] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Coming up on this week's episode of Shag My Denoyed.

• 0:02Speaker 01

  It's Friday the 13th.

• 0:04Speaker 00

  Oh, not a thing. I saw a crazy thing in London.

• 0:08Speaker 01

  And I can't believe I didn't know about it. I'm having a nightmare with juice.

• 0:12Speaker 00

  This is upsetting to be fair.

• 0:13Speaker 01

  You've got hotel trauma.

• 0:15Speaker 00

  I've always got hotel trauma. We've got beefs and some absolutely belting questions from you guys involving supermarket etiquette, one of which leads to me telling Rosie something that genuinely ruins our day.

• 0:25Speaker 01

  Awful.

• 0:26Speaker 00

  Enjoy.

• 0:27Speaker 02

  Your sausage McMuffin with egg didn't change, your receipt did. The sausage McMuffin with egg extra value meal includes a hash brown and a small coffee for just $5. Only at McDonald's for a limited time.

• 0:39Speaker 03

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• 0:44Speaker 04

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• 1:12Speaker 01

  Hello, you are listening and possibly watching Shag My Denoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey.

• 1:18Speaker 00

  Hello.

• 1:19Speaker 01

  Hiya darling.

• 1:20Speaker 00

  Watch, watch out. It's Friday the 13th.

• 1:22Speaker 01

  Oh shit.

• 1:23Speaker 00

  Careful. Look, what's that? Look, down.

• 1:26Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 1:26Speaker 00

  Cross.

• 1:27Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 1:29Speaker 00

  What, what, what?

• 1:29Speaker 01

  Oh, I was working with two people from Northern Ireland.

• 1:32Speaker 00

  Ah.

• 1:33Speaker 01

  Belfast.

• 1:34Speaker 00

  Right.

• 1:34Speaker 01

  Never heard of the bad luck that you get when you walk over three drains.

• 1:37Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 1:38Speaker 01

  Can you imagine? They were saved from that trauma as children.

• 1:42Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 1:42Speaker 01

  They had no idea about it.

• 1:44Speaker 00

  That's amazing.

• 1:45Speaker 01

  They were kind of like, what do you mean? And me and Liz, my makeup artist, were like, we're not even going to tell you because it'll, it'll literally ruin the way that you walk down a high street.

• 1:52Speaker 00

  So it's three bad luck, two good luck.

• 1:54Speaker 01

  Two good luck.

• 1:55Speaker 00

  Three, if you do three, spit cancels it out.

• 1:59Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 2:00Speaker 00

  And if you walk under a sign, spit cancels it out.

• 2:02Speaker 01

  Or touch your head.

• 2:03Speaker 00

  Or touch your head cancels it out.

• 2:04Speaker 01

  So it mustn't be an Irish thing?

• 2:05Speaker 00

  What's going on?

• 2:06Speaker 01

  Mustn't be a thing in Ireland?

• 2:07Speaker 00

  Northern Irish.

• 2:08Speaker 01

  Northern Irish.

• 2:09Speaker 00

  So have you got your Friday the 13th decorations up? Everyone?

• 2:13Speaker 01

  Stop it now.

• 2:13Speaker 00

  You got your, no, no, no, no, everything's a thing now, right? You've got your Friday the 13th, you've got big inflatable ladder, you put a big inflatable ladder, you, oh, you walk under it. Oh, it's Friday the 13th.

• 2:23Speaker 01

  Stop it now.

• 2:23Speaker 00

  No, nothing?

• 2:24Speaker 01

  You're being silly.

• 2:24Speaker 00

  Okay, fair enough.

• 2:25Speaker 01

  You are right though, it is very much spooky to sparkle because all of the Christmas stuff.

• 2:29Speaker 00

  Spooky to sparkle.

• 2:30Speaker 01

  All of the Christmas stuff. I'm a sucker for it, by the way.

• 2:33Speaker 00

  I'm telling you, spooky to sparkle, it's going to be a thing very soon. It's, it's getting shorter every year. I know I say, I know I say this every year, I know I'm like a fucking broken record. It's getting shorter. Soon it's going to be, you know when they did the hand grenade thing? The room, you did one, man, that stupid fucking meme.

• 2:47Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, oh thank you, by the way.

• 2:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was dog shit and I hated being part of it, just so you know.

• 2:52Speaker 01

  You weren't part of it, you just filmed it?

• 2:53Speaker 00

  Exactly, I had to do it, didn't I? And yeah, you throw the bauble in and they go, what? And it's the sound from Counter-Strike and then, yeah, it's going to be spooky sparkle. It's going to be, oh, look at this pumpkin. Oh, I'm, I'm turning the pumpkin around. Ooh, fade over to Christmas tree.

• 3:06Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 3:06Speaker 00

  Well done.

• 3:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, it is. But I fully, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm into it.

• 3:12Speaker 00

  I know, well, I'm, I'm a sucker for it because I like.

• 3:14Speaker 01

  I went around all the locals yesterday, getting all the Christmas shit.

• 3:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:18Speaker 01

  The B Nems. Where was I? And where, where you rang us? I was like.

• 3:21Speaker 00

  It was really funny. I phoned you yesterday and I went, where are you? And you went, yeah, I don't know. I went, are you okay? You're having a moment?

• 3:27Speaker 01

  Is it called the Food Warehouse or the Food Way House?

• 3:29Speaker 00

  Food Way House.

• 3:30Speaker 01

  Way House?

• 3:31Speaker 00

  It used to be Way House. I think it's Warehouse now. I don't know. I know what you mean. It's near the Smith's Toys and stuff.

• 3:36Speaker 01

  It's great.

• 3:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:37Speaker 01

  Got the kids some Pringles for Christmas.

• 3:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, I saw that.

• 3:41Speaker 01

  Like seven tubes.

• 3:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, great.

• 3:43Speaker 01

  That's fun.

• 3:43Speaker 00

  Pringles, Pringles for breakfast on Christmas again. That's going to be fantastic. Fucking crazy. I, okay, guys, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for watching and listening. We really do appreciate it. And without further ado, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is, it's a seasonal favourite, it is soup and a sandwich.

• 4:04Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 4:04Speaker 00

  Hey, hey, what are you having for your lunch today, guys? Is it soup and a sandwich? Hey, do you want a sandwich? Hey, do you want some soup? Hey, why not have both? It's soup and a sandwich.

• 4:17Speaker 01

  A little bit indulgent for me, if I'm honest with you.

• 4:19Speaker 00

  Beg your fucking pardon.

• 4:19Speaker 01

  I just don't think you need soup.

• 4:20Speaker 00

  Excuse me. Excuse me.

• 4:23Speaker 01

  Oh, sorry, we're never allowed to oppose your sponsor?

• 4:26Speaker 00

  If you, do you want to be, do you want to be skinned? Eh? I've lost all the money for that sponsor. Soup and a Sanger's out the window.

• 4:34Speaker 00

  Soup and a Sanger! You're just top tier. You cannot beat Soup and a Sanger. Because I had, I got a sandwich for me round a golf the other day from Greg's and I left it in the boot of my car and I forgot about it. And I was devastated. So me mate Jordan gave me half of her sandwich at the ninth hole and I thought that was very nice of him. But then I came home and I had soup you made and me Sanger.

• 4:52Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 4:52Speaker 00

  Very happy.

• 4:54Speaker 01

  You, oh, hang on. Yeah, I don't care. Doesn't matter. No.

• 5:00Speaker 00

  What?

• 5:01Speaker 01

  I don't care enough to ask.

• 5:02Speaker 00

  What was the, come on?

• 5:03Speaker 01

  No, I don't care.

• 5:04Speaker 00

  No, come on, what was the question?

• 5:04Speaker 01

  I don't care about the answer.

• 5:05Speaker 00

  Come on. No, but I need to know now. I care loads now. What was it?

• 5:09Speaker 01

  It was just how long had you left it in the car for? Could you not have deleted it? You either when you got home.

• 5:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, when I got home.

• 5:14Speaker 01

  You just left it in the boot.

• 5:15Speaker 00

  I left it in the boot.

• 5:15Speaker 01

  For when you went to play.

• 5:16Speaker 00

  I got to the ninth hole, I opened my bag, I went, I don't have my Sanger.

• 5:18Speaker 01

  No, I don't care.

• 5:19Speaker 00

  I don't have my Sanger. Jordan?

• 5:20Speaker 01

  Didn't.

• 5:20Speaker 00

  Jordan, I haven't got my Sanger! So he gave me half his Sanger.

• 5:23Speaker 01

  Can you stop calling it a Sanger? Because that's awful.

• 5:25Speaker 00

  Not wrong with soup and a Sanger. Why do you think soup and a Sanger is over indulgent? I don't understand.

• 5:28Speaker 01

  I just think it's like a bit much, isn't it?

• 5:31Speaker 00

  No, it's a credible meal.

• 5:33Speaker 01

  In the house, I wouldn't have a sandwich and a bowl of soup.

• 5:35Speaker 00

  Really?

• 5:36Speaker 01

  Honest to God, absolutely not.

• 5:38Speaker 00

  What would you have with your soup?

• 5:40Speaker 01

  I would just have maybe a slice of bread and butter. I wouldn't have a full sandwich.

• 5:44Speaker 00

  Look, I'm not shitting on bread and butter here, but soup and a Sanger, man. Come on, you don't even have to dip the Sanger, that's the best bit.

• 5:50Speaker 01

  Can you, can you please refrain from saying Sanger?

• 5:55Speaker 00

  Right.

• 5:55Speaker 01

  Because it's horrible. And it's really upsetting us.

• 5:58Speaker 00

  Why is it upsetting you? I don't understand.

• 5:59Speaker 01

  Because it's just disgusting and it's a horrible use of the word sandwich. Sandwich is a lovely word.

• 6:04Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 6:04Speaker 01

  But Sanger is disgusting. Can we crack on?

• 6:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, we can indeed.

• 6:07Speaker 01

  I'm tired today. What's the matter with us?

• 6:08Speaker 00

  Oh, great, that's good vibes. Good vibes for the podcast. No, that's good. Can we crack on? I'm tired. Hey, everyone, hope you're enjoying this podcast, eh? Thanks for tuning in, but crack on, just tired. Fucking honestly. You, you really aren't, you're a scumbag. You're yawning. You're fucking yawning! Right, give yourself a shake when this jingle's on, you bastard. We had a fight about the jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. So this is the jingle.

• 6:37Speaker 00

  We hope you like the jingle. Babadu babadu babadu ba. Jingle!

• 6:45Speaker 01

  Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag My Denoyed. I've had a shake.

• 6:48Speaker 00

  You've had a shake.

• 6:49Speaker 01

  I don't know why I'm so tired. I think it's because I've actually rested.

• 6:54Speaker 00

  I know exactly what you mean. Yeah.

• 6:55Speaker 01

  Do you know what I mean?

• 6:56Speaker 00

  Whenever we go and do Please Keep Me Anonymous in London, we go down the night before, we stay in the hotel and then we do all the interviews the next day. And we're always absolutely exhausted the next day because we have an uninterrupted like eight, eight or nine hour sleep.

• 7:07Speaker 01

  It's just mad.

• 7:08Speaker 00

  And my bodies are like, what the hell is going on? It's like, sorry, we thought you were hibernating.

• 7:12Speaker 01

  I know.

• 7:12Speaker 00

  What the hell's happened?

• 7:13Speaker 01

  My body clock is all over the place at the minute.

• 7:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:16Speaker 01

  Because this job I'm doing, it's like such long days and I'm getting up at like half five in the morning to go get me bloody makeup done. It's, oh god, I'm fucking sick. I'm sick of getting me makeup done, you know?

• 7:26Speaker 00

  That's one thing about working on TV and stuff. It, like when I did like Heaven and when I've done other like things where I've had to be like made up, like it's very early in the morning for a stranger to be prodding your face.

• 7:40Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 7:41Speaker 00

  It's, I mean, I know you're more used to makeup than me, but especially when I did Heaven, I mean, I was only young, but fuck, I just remember thinking, this, this is, like you're under me eyes, you're bloody like jabbing at the end of me nose. I'm like, for fuck's sake.

• 7:55Speaker 01

  I don't enjoy being made up best of times.

• 7:58Speaker 00

  Yeah. Some people love it. Some people fall asleep in that.

• 8:00Speaker 01

  I know.

• 8:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:01Speaker 01

  I, I know there's some people in the public aisle, not name names, but I have been told that they get their makeup done like just lying down. Literally lying down, eyes shut, and they get their makeup done.

• 8:12Speaker 00

  Fair play though. I mean, that's going to hurt the makeup person's back, like, you need to get them on like.

• 8:17Speaker 01

  I don't think they care.

• 8:18Speaker 00

  You know the trolley that they wheel Hannibal Lecter in on Silence of the Lambs? It's just so he is lying down, but he's like, he's upright. Yeah, you need them on one of them.

• 8:26Speaker 01

  That's what I should be doing, I'm just like half five in the morning.

• 8:28Speaker 00

  Oh, I'd love to see you wheeling one of them. I'd be so happy. And listen, speaking of that job, right, when you headed off, I had an eventful little time in London the other night when we did, we did Please Keep Me Anonymous and then you headed straight off.

• 8:37Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 8:37Speaker 00

  Right? Two things I don't think I've told you about. I might have told you about, well, I can't remember. But the, the first one I might have, I went to Five Guys to get us a burger and stuff for a tea before you left.

• 8:47Speaker 01

  I forgot to tell you that. How delicious was that? I rammed it down me throat the night I go get the train.

• 8:52Speaker 00

  Five Guys, Five Guys, might be nicer than Soup and a Sanger.

• 8:55Speaker 01

  Oh god.

• 8:56Speaker 00

  Five guys and a soup?

• 8:58Speaker 01

  Chill out, would you?

• 8:59Speaker 00

  Imagine.

• 8:59Speaker 01

  Chill the fuck out.

• 9:00Speaker 00

  A tomato soup and a fucking burger. Ah, no, that is a bit.

• 9:02Speaker 01

  Too much.

• 9:03Speaker 00

  I've made myself, I've upset myself, I've upset myself. But it still blows my mind that people aren't aware of the sheer quantity of chips.

• 9:12Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, the fry situation.

• 9:14Speaker 00

  There was people standing here, right? I walked in, I'm ordering the machines and I was going past this guy and he had like a backpack on it. I want to say, he gave us like, he gave us mature student vibes, and he was with slightly younger people, but he was from somewhere in Ireland, right? And he went, the girl he was with was going, "I'll just get, okay, well, I'll get a large fries." And I saw it straight away, my ears pricked up, and I sort of looked. And he went, "No, don't, don't get, don't get the large fries. Sorry for the accent, but it just, you'll get the end bit." He went, "Don't, no, don't." She went, "No, I really, I'm really hungry. I like fries." He went, "No, honestly, don't get the la, don't, don't." And she went, "No, I, I, I always, wherever I get stuff." And he went, "Have you been here before?" And she went, "No." And he went really loud, he went,

• 9:54Speaker 00

  "Don't get the large fries. They're fucking massive. They're fucking massive." And I was just like in the corner ordering.

• 10:03Speaker 01

  Full bag of fries. What?

• 10:05Speaker 00

  No one's ever ordered them. No one's ever ordered them. Even the staff go, "Please, please don't order the, please."

• 10:11Speaker 01

  But why do they do it? What, is it some sort of, is it a piss day?

• 10:14Speaker 00

  I read it was a really, really clever marketing thing, because it costs them nothing, because potatoes are cheap as fuck, because they buy them by the millions.

• 10:21Speaker 01

  Right.

• 10:21Speaker 00

  And it's a really clever marketing thing. Look, we're talking about it now.

• 10:24Speaker 01

  Ah, well, there you go, pre-advertising.

• 10:26Speaker 00

  Really clever marketing thing. But yeah.

• 10:28Speaker 01

  Get the smile.

• 10:29Speaker 00

  Just, "Don't, don't, they're fucking massive." I was just like, this is fantastic. I wish she'd let her, because then she'd understand and she'd pass it on.

• 10:36Speaker 01

  And it would be quite interesting to see. What else have we got else?

• 10:38Speaker 00

  After that, right, I came back, we, may I say it, inhaled some food.

• 10:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:43Speaker 00

  And then you, I walked you to the train station, because I'm a chivalrous gentleman. And I didn't tell you this.

• 10:49Speaker 01

  No, sorry, can I just put it in? I love it how you're all, you're chivalrous, and you are, and you're like, I can't let you walk to the train station by yourself.

• 10:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:57Speaker 01

  And I'm like, what do you think, what do you think I'm doing at the other end of this train?

• 11:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I'm not there.

• 11:01Speaker 01

  I know, fair enough, but I'm just, I was trying to tell you.

• 11:04Speaker 00

  I'm literally in London with you, I'm gonna, and we're staying near the train station, I'm gonna walk you to the train station, because.

• 11:09Speaker 01

  It's very sweet, but then.

• 11:09Speaker 00

  Oh, sorry, I was gonna lie down, watch a telly while you're.

• 11:11Speaker 01

  No, but you were like, "I will not not walk to the train station." I was like, "That's very lovely, but also, you're not gonna be there at the other end."

• 11:18Speaker 00

  Yes, but I'm there at that, what the hell? I'm there at that end, so I'm obviously gonna do it.

• 11:21Speaker 01

  And the other, where did I get off again? Wakefield. Come and talk about the lift situation. Have you ever been to Wakefield train station?

• 11:27Speaker 00

  Oh, is there lifts? No.

• 11:28Speaker 01

  No, there's a lift, but like, it went up, and then you had to walk along, and then you had to go back down to get the other side.

• 11:34Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 11:34Speaker 01

  And it was on the same platform. I wasn't changing platforms.

• 11:38Speaker 00

  Ah, I think I have been there. I have been there, yeah.

• 11:40Speaker 01

  I was like, what the fuck?

• 11:41Speaker 00

  I actually think I got off at that train station when I did me on a train stuff for me Comedy Central TV show. I think I actually got off and got left as part of the sketch. I got left at that train station.

• 11:51Speaker 01

  Wakefield had another name?

• 11:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, I can't remember.

• 11:53Speaker 01

  West End Wakefield, I don't know.

• 11:54Speaker 00

  Definitely wasn't West End Wakefield. So.

• 11:56Speaker 01

  What else happened? Did Five Guys come on?

• 11:58Speaker 00

  No, no, Five Guys is done. So I dropped, I dropped you off at the train station, right? And then I'm walking back. You know the big bit outside King's Cross, where everyone sort of congregates? There's like a.

• 12:07Speaker 01

  Where the market stalls are.

• 12:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, there's the market stalls and people just sort of chill out there. I'm walking towards, like, imagine you've come out of King's Cross and I'm sort of veering right towards the centre of London-ish. And I'm walking across this forecourt, and there was loads of people, young, again, like, they gave us like international student vibes, backpacks on. And I glanced at this guy, and I thought, is that a fucking, is that like a big white scarf, like a big woolly, like a fur? Is he wearing a fur? Wasn't a fur, there was a bright white cat standing on his fucking shoulders. Like, if you're watching the video now, like here, like imagine, imagine a pirate, but it's not a parrot, it's a cat.

• 12:53Speaker 01

  So his undercarriage was like on his head?

• 12:55Speaker 00

  No, so, because I'm behind him, so it looked like it was on his head, but it was just, imagine, imagine he's slightly, he's hunching his head forward a bit, and the cat is just existing on his shoulders and the top of his backpack. And I looked like that, and I looked, and I walked past, and I'm like, I keep walking, and my head's craned all the way around now like a fucking owl. And I'm looking, and he's talking to someone, he's telling some stories, and a guy next to him glares at us, like absolutely glares at us. And I look, and I look at the guy, and then I look back at the cat, and I look at the guy, and the guy's just glaring at us as if to go, "The fuck you staring at me mate for?" And I thought, "Am I imagining this?" So I walked back round, I turned round, and I orbited the group twice to see this cat on this guy's shoulder.

• 13:36Speaker 00

  And the whole time his mate was gla, like, like how you would keep your eye on a fucking pickpocket in Covent Garden, you go, "Oh, he's up no good." And this guy's glaring at us, and I want to go, "Sorry mate, your friend's got a fucking cat on his back?" Like, "Why am I the weirdo? Why are you glaring at me?" Like, it was, it was literally like, "What's your fucking problem?"

• 13:53Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 13:54Speaker 00

  A bright white cat on his back.

• 13:57Speaker 01

  What, what happened?

• 13:58Speaker 00

  I walked away.

• 13:59Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 14:00Speaker 00

  It was, and I, I didn't stop thinking about it.

• 14:03Speaker 01

  That guy's like, oh, northerners.

• 14:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:07Speaker 00

  Honestly.

• 14:07Speaker 01

  Never seen, never seen a, a cat back.

• 14:09Speaker 00

  It was unbelievable. It was, and I was like, what, like, why am I being glared at? Like, I'm the fucking freak. Imagine, it was as if he was just wearing a, just wearing a silly hat, as if he was just wearing a top hat, and I was staring at his top hat, and his mate's like, "Oh, he just wears the top hat, that's what he does." He's just got a fucking cat on his back. And I, I wish I'd said, "Sorry, is there any reason why you've got a cat on your back?" But there was actually, there were loads of them, and it was quite late, and I was just.

• 14:31Speaker 01

  Was it like a gang? Were there, was he, was it an act?

• 14:33Speaker 00

  I think it was the Cat Back Gang. It was the Cat Back Gang, tell me.

• 14:36Speaker 01

  I actually think back cats better. Back cat, rather than cat back.

• 14:39Speaker 00

  I'll have a word with a theory of a child department.

• 14:41Speaker 01

  Um, sorry about that.

• 14:42Speaker 00

  It was really odd. Long, long short of it, I'm never wanting to the train station again, because it was.

• 14:47Speaker 01

  That's fine, I don't want to put you through that. I need to talk to you about juice. So I'm really upset at the minute.

• 14:55Speaker 00

  Right.

• 14:55Speaker 01

  You know I love summer fruits juice, right? I'm not specific to any brand. I actually really like the own brand, supermarkets own brands of juice.

• 15:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:05Speaker 01

  It's getting, it's fucking getting out of control. I've talked about this before.

• 15:08Speaker 00

  Right.

• 15:08Speaker 01

  Like, do you know how you've got the, the, the normal strength, then you've got the double strength, right? I've just got used to double strength, okay? Because I was like, right, this is great, I know how much to do.

• 15:18Speaker 00

  Don't, don't you dare tell me. They haven't, they, they haven't dared.

• 15:21Speaker 01

  What?

• 15:22Speaker 00

  They haven't gone triple strength.

• 15:23Speaker 01

  Chris, are you fucking, do you?

• 15:25Speaker 00

  No.

• 15:25Speaker 01

  We've gone quadruple strength.

• 15:32Speaker 00

  I took a sharp intake of breath. Rosie, I've never been that surprised. I've ne, hon, you, honestly, you might as well have had a cat on your back. I was so surprised. They've gone quadruple strength.

• 15:45Speaker 01

  I swear to God, quadruple strength, right? So I'm literally, what I'm, currently what I'm having to do, right, with a glass of juice, now I'm bloody love a glass of juice, right? I'm doing it, it's too strong, so I drink half of it, then I have to refill it.

• 15:57Speaker 00

  God, God.

• 15:58Speaker 01

  It's literally, and I'm like, "How much do you put in?"

• 16:01Speaker 00

  So can you remember them Robinsons, can you remember the Robinsons ones you could take away with you, that we used to take away for kids? Where you're literally just going, like a tiny bit of ketchup, you just go boom. Is it like that, but in a frigging big bottle?

• 16:12Speaker 01

  It's actually, it's in the cupboard.

• 16:14Speaker 00

  That quadruple, what's going on?

• 16:16Speaker 01

  I went triple for a while, and I thought, "Yous are taking the piss." And now, quadruple strength. I swear to God.

• 16:24Speaker 00

  I can't wait to tell you.

• 16:24Speaker 01

  How's that got past the dentist? Like, isn't it like an organisation? Is there not an organisation of dentists where they have to, like, thing that, you know what I mean?

• 16:36Speaker 00

  I love, I just love that, just like, hey, you know, they're in a lab, we've done it, we didn't think we could do it, we've made quadruple strength. But keep your voice down. Open up now. Shit, it's the dentist. We've, we heard that. Have you made quadruple strength?

• 16:53Speaker 01

  Not on my watch, honestly.

• 16:56Speaker 00

  Lots of dentists on the drive with pitchforks and fire. Come out here now.

• 17:00Speaker 01

  What, what's after quadruple?

• 17:02Speaker 00

  I mean, it gets silly, it gets silly, doesn't it? Yeah.

• 17:06Speaker 01

  Can't be, it can't be, what's five?

• 17:08Speaker 00

  Strength is wild. I don't know what it would be. I don't know. Six would be sextuple strength or whatever.

• 17:14Speaker 01

  Bloody ox.

• 17:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, octuple, sextuple, I don't know the ones. Septuple would be seven.

• 17:18Speaker 01

  I'm gonna have to buy a pipette.

• 17:22Speaker 01

  It's so irritating.

• 17:23Speaker 00

  Sorry, Rosie, are you cooking crystal meth? I'm just trying to make some juice. That doesn't hurt me teeth.

• 17:28Speaker 01

  I want some summer fruits. Oh, honestly, what can you, just pack it in. Just double strength is fine.

• 17:34Speaker 00

  I don't know how you could have, is it a big bottle as well? How do you have the restraint to put just a bit in?

• 17:39Speaker 01

  It's killing us.

• 17:40Speaker 00

  That's wild. Yeah, get a pipette, get a pipette. Or a straw, put a straw in and put your finger on the top of the straw then.

• 17:45Speaker 01

  Yes, that's a good idea.

• 17:46Speaker 00

  It would only happen, it would only work for the first quart of the bottle, then you need a, you need a straw about two foot long.

• 17:50Speaker 01

  It's just blowing my mind. And I had to buy it because there was nothing else, so.

• 17:54Speaker 00

  Um, that's mad. I mean, it would last forever.

• 17:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, but they've got us, they've got us hooked though, because now I can't go back to the normal.

• 17:59Speaker 00

  Oh, is that it? They've opened your doors, haven't they?

• 18:01Speaker 01

  And the normal strength, I'm putting this much in?

• 18:04Speaker 00

  Normal strength, you're putting that much water in the bottle of the, of the, of the actual thing. That's awful. That, well, I feel for you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

• 18:12Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 18:13Speaker 00

  This episode is sponsored by TV Licensing. A TV licence covers you to watch over 400 TV channels and everything on BBC iPlayer. To find out more, go to tvl.co.uk/pod. Rosie, what's that you're holding there?

• 18:29Speaker 01

  Well, as a House of Games alumni.

• 18:31Speaker 00

  Yes, also me, alumni.

• 18:33Speaker 01

  Alumni, but as the only winner in the room.

• 18:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:37Speaker 01

  This is the trophy that I won on House of Games and that's what we are talking about this week.

• 18:41Speaker 00

  So one of the, one of the shows that we're going to talk about this week, House of Games. Now, House of Games, obviously a phenomenal format, a phenomenal show. Richard Osman hosted it for a long, long time when I did what you did, and now he stepped down from hosting duties and Michael Sheen has stepped up.

• 18:55Speaker 01

  Yeah. Great show. One of the only quiz shows I've ever done and won it. It's crazy, absolutely crazy. I love doing it. It's genuinely really interesting. It's not like any of the other games.

• 19:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's, it's very clever, the questions. It's not just, it's like, it's like applying the knowledge. You'll know if you watch it, it is a phenomenal show.

• 19:16Speaker 01

  How did I win?

• 19:17Speaker 00

  I mean, I don't, I genuinely want to recount, but you know.

• 19:20Speaker 01

  I think there was a lot of music questions and I'm quite good with music stuff.

• 19:23Speaker 00

  Do you know what? I'm seeing it now. I might go back on. I might go back on to try and win as well. But guys, if you watch, I'll go back on just to get a trophy.

• 19:31Speaker 01

  Oh my, is that how, yeah, it's how pathetic you are, but anyway. It lives in the studio.

• 19:35Speaker 00

  All right, I might not go back on, but I will be watching.

• 19:36Speaker 01

  What time's it on?

• 19:37Speaker 00

  The new series started Monday, the 5th of October. How many episodes do you think there's going to be?

• 19:43Speaker 01

  Oh my God, what? I don't know.

• 19:44Speaker 00

  A hundred. Plenty to watch there.

• 19:47Speaker 01

  Great.

• 19:47Speaker 00

  Absolute powerhouse and it's on BBC Two.

• 19:53Speaker 01

  Do you know what that signals?

• 19:54Speaker 00

  Was that your, I'm a celeb?

• 19:55Speaker 01

  That's I'm a celebrity is back.

• 19:56Speaker 00

  Right, great, yes.

• 19:57Speaker 01

  You know it's autumn. You know winter's coming. What did you say about the jungle just before?

• 20:02Speaker 00

  Well, what the funny thing about the jungle is, it's obviously a pro institution. It's some, you know, cold weather viewing over here. It's the only thing I can watch in the winter where people are in a hot climate and I'm not jealous because they have to do horrible stuff.

• 20:15Speaker 01

  So true.

• 20:16Speaker 00

  I'm like, yes, you've got the sunshine, but I don't want to be there because you're not playing golf. You are eating kangaroo testicle and having a genuinely horrible time. And it's on ITV, obviously, Ant and Dec hosting.

• 20:25Speaker 01

  I'll be watching. Love it.

• 20:27Speaker 00

  And big, like huge news for me. As a massive fan of nature shows and David Attenborough, Blue Planet, series three. It's a six part series, obviously David Attenborough voicing it. Just phenomenal. Again, great to sit with the kids and watch and learn. Obviously the, the things they film so like on, you know, the things that they capture. And what's amazing about being Blue Planet, obviously it's all about the sea. We know more about the surface of the moon than we do about the oceans around.

• 20:55Speaker 01

  That always fascinated me that way.

• 20:57Speaker 00

  Because it's so big. They're so big and so deep and there's so much going on. And a lot of the time, like Blue Planet, series two, it was obviously all, you know, obviously we're impacting the planet a lot as humans, you know, we're destroying a lot of ecosystems. This is, it focuses a lot on the resilience and how the animals and ecosystems are adapting in a changing world. So there's a lot more, there's a thread of hope.

• 21:20Speaker 01

  So a comforting little hug.

• 21:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. From, you know, the legend, Sir David Attenborough.

• 21:25Speaker 01

  I'm happy with that. The kids, the kids love watching it. So it's another thing to watch with the children that we need.

• 21:30Speaker 00

  Yeah. It's guilt free, it's guilt free family viewing. If actually, it's more than guilt free. It's, it's, yeah, you're buzzing because they're learning something and it's, you know, it's again, it's a British institution. A TV licence covers you to watch over 400 TV channels and everything on BBC iPlayer. To find out more, go to tvl.co.uk/pod.

• 21:53Speaker 04

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• 22:22Speaker 05

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• 22:54Speaker 00

  Now, Rosie, you haven't spoken to me about this. Did, but did you see my Instagram post of the horrendous ordeal I had in a hotel the other day?

• 23:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't think I did.

• 23:06Speaker 00

  You didn't say it?

• 23:08Speaker 01

  Well, no.

• 23:10Speaker 00

  Because I put it on Instagram, then I spoke about it on stage that night. I was in a hotel in Cambridge in between gigs and I was putting me Xbox, because I take a little Xbox on tour.

• 23:20Speaker 01

  I don't know anything about this.

• 23:22Speaker 00

  Really? Oh, this is going to be great. So I take a little Xbox on tour and I've got a little screen. But sometimes, I'm going to, you know, I don't want to get arrested for this, right? But sometimes in hotels, I go online and I work out how to take the hotel telly out of hotel mode so I can change the source. So instead of using my little monitor, I can have myself a nice 50 inch TV to use my Xbox, right? Stop pretending to fall asleep. So I'm doing it and I'm fucking about with the remote and I don't like touching hotel remotes anyway. They're fucking mingling, right? And it's a, it's a LG remote. We've got an LG telly, right? But the, the, the OK button, the middle button was different to, to the rest of the buttons. It was weird.

• 24:01Speaker 01

  Is this, is this a good story?

• 24:02Speaker 00

  Yeah. It was weird. The, and I was doing that. I was going through all the menus. I was pressing OK and it was like almost making a clicker noise and it was really odd. And I was looking at it and it was like a blue, like highlight on the button. And I was like, what the fuck? Why is this? I was like, this is, this is weird for LG remote. And I picked at it. It's a fucking contact lens.

• 24:25Speaker 00

  Someone, someone had took their contact lens off, put it perfectly in the middle of the OK button on the remote and I had sat and like, like went through, I'd pressed OK so many times. I put it on Instagram. I thought, I thought you'd seen it.

• 24:41Speaker 01

  I swear to God, I have not. That is vile.

• 24:46Speaker 00

  It was horrible.

• 24:46Speaker 01

  Like frustration.

• 24:47Speaker 00

  It was horrible.

• 24:48Speaker 01

  You know the game?

• 24:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was like, yeah, yeah. So it was clicking when I was pressing it. I was like, but I know like, this sounds like a stupid thing to say, but I know TV remotes and I know that the middle of that.

• 24:57Speaker 01

  You know the sound of it?

• 24:57Speaker 00

  I know. Yeah, I could feel it. And I know that that button isn't on an LG remote. I've got the same remote in the house. I was like, why is this different? If, cards on the table, it, it, the cool blue hue on the middle of the OK. I was a bit annoyed that my remote wasn't as good as that did. Consider stealing it. And then I realised, yeah, and I turned it and I flicked it and it was a, it fell off in my hand.

• 25:16Speaker 01

  So upsetting.

• 25:17Speaker 00

  And at first I was like, oh, I've broke it. And I was like, oh, and I was like.

• 25:20Speaker 01

  This is how much we have not actually, we haven't caught up at all. I can't believe you've, I cannot believe you've kept that in. Well done.

• 25:27Speaker 00

  Devastated. It was absolutely devastating. I mean, like I sent a video to my mates. I put it on Instagram and my mate Sean was like, how many times did you wash your hands? I was like, mate, I, I've got, I washed my hands, I sanitised my hands, I sanitised the remote.

• 25:41Speaker 01

  It's eyes though. It's not like.

• 25:42Speaker 00

  It's a stranger's fucking eye gunk.

• 25:44Speaker 01

  No, I know, but it's not, it's not saliva or anything like that or feces.

• 25:48Speaker 00

  One of the comments when I put it on Instagram was like.

• 25:50Speaker 01

  I didn't see it.

• 25:51Speaker 00

  Well, one of the comments when I put it on Instagram was like, if only there was some kind of podcast you could talk about this on. And I was like, yeah.

• 25:56Speaker 01

  Did you put it on your stories?

• 25:57Speaker 00

  No, no, on my grid. The algorithm, man.

• 26:00Speaker 01

  God, hate it.

• 26:02Speaker 00

  I put it on during the day, like, but yeah.

• 26:03Speaker 01

  I have not seen that. I've hardly been on my phone, to be honest with you. This bloody job. This job's got me worked to the bone. I'm so sorry.

• 26:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was, it was.

• 26:11Speaker 01

  What, Jesus, a cat on a back, contact lens, remote.

• 26:15Speaker 00

  I see. I've had a horrible week.

• 26:20Speaker 01

  Are you okay?

• 26:21Speaker 00

  I'm absolutely.

• 26:21Speaker 01

  That would have, I know that that would have ruined your day.

• 26:23Speaker 00

  I mean, I screamed. I literally went like, ah, like in, on my own in a hotel, like screamed. I don't know what the hell people thought was going on. It was the worst, absolute worst. The worst bit was I threw it. This is actually, yeah. Like when I realised, I threw it and then I had to spend a good sort of 10 minutes trying to find it again to put it back on the remote to do the video for Instagram. Honestly, I suffered for my heart.

• 26:46Speaker 01

  It's so upsetting. He bless you.

• 26:51Speaker 00

  It's time for What's Your Beep?

• 26:53Speaker 01

  What's your beep? What's your beep? What's, what? Yo? Beat, hey, hey.

• 26:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, I like that. I like that a lot. Now, obviously, we've barely seen each other.

• 27:00Speaker 01

  I know.

• 27:01Speaker 00

  So, I mean, the beefs, you've got them though.

• 27:04Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 27:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, okay. Well, I've got one for you as well.

• 27:07Speaker 01

  I mean.

• 27:07Speaker 00

  You go first.

• 27:08Speaker 01

  You know I've got one.

• 27:09Speaker 00

  Uh, okay. When you started, I imagine I'll realise.

• 27:12Speaker 01

  You know I've got one.

• 27:13Speaker 00

  Ah, yes, yes, yes. Because to let everyone behind the curtain here, although we haven't seen each other much, we've actually, when we have seen each other, it's been, we've been in a lovely little groove. And I actually said to me the other day, I was like, oh, I was like, me and Rosie, I was like, we're just on such a lovely little groove. We're like, fully in love with each other. We're getting on so well. We're just, we've just hit a really nice groove.

• 27:31Speaker 01

  We were.

• 27:31Speaker 00

  And I completely fucked it yesterday, didn't I? Yeah, okay, come on then. This is fine. Yeah, I'll take this on the chin already.

• 27:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, you just, I suggested two things.

• 27:40Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 27:41Speaker 01

  For tea.

• 27:42Speaker 00

  Shall we reenact it?

• 27:43Speaker 01

  And you.

• 27:44Speaker 00

  First of all, sorry to interrupt you, but I apologised before you even registered anger, I realised. And guys, that's growth. That is growth.

• 27:54Speaker 01

  I ju- I just can't imagine, right, living in a world where somebody is, you know, cooking your dinners for you. Every single night of your life, really. And you have the audacity.

• 28:07Speaker 00

  Hands up. I'm sorry.

• 28:08Speaker 01

  To slag it off.

• 28:09Speaker 00

  Yeah. Do you want to explain then what happened?

• 28:12Speaker 01

  Uh, so I basically, I'd be at the supermarket, I'd be in shopping, and I bought the, the meals. In my head, I kind of knew what I was gonna cook. Uh, had the ideas for the week. And then I told you, and I give you two options.

• 28:24Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 28:25Speaker 01

  And, um, you are just literally like, what the actual fuck?

• 28:28Speaker 00

  No, so you said, right, you went, I went, you went, what do you fancy for tea tonight? I went, I don't know what's the options. And you said, first of all, you said salmon, so say.

• 28:36Speaker 01

  Salmon?

• 28:37Speaker 00

  That was me. I went, puh.

• 28:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:38Speaker 00

  Because that just doesn't, it doesn't fill you. It's a waste of time. And then you said the next one.

• 28:43Speaker 01

  Chicken thighs.

• 28:44Speaker 00

  And I said, what's happening?

• 28:48Speaker 00

  And then she looked aghast, and I immediately went.

• 28:51Speaker 01

  I had the fridge, what was more dramatic was I had the fridge fully open, two doors, because I've got a double fridge.

• 28:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:56Speaker 01

  And Chris did these things. And I went, huh.

• 28:58Speaker 00

  But I said sorry first. I said, I'm sorry. And you went, yeah, go on, fuck yourself. And she very dramatically slammed a double door fridge. Be careful with that fridge, by the way. I don't care how pissed off you are. It was an expensive fridge.

• 29:07Speaker 01

  Absolutely not.

• 29:08Speaker 00

  But I, I fully hold me hands up, and I'm sorry.

• 29:10Speaker 01

  I just can't, like, if you ever made a meal.

• 29:13Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 29:14Speaker 01

  Which you never, you never do, you never have. It's disgusting.

• 29:17Speaker 00

  It's just not worth it, man. People kick off when you pick the wrong thing. It's not worth it.

• 29:20Speaker 01

  I just can't imagine you going to me, you know? It was very nineteen, it was very nineteen thirties, man.

• 29:27Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 29:28Speaker 01

  You know?

• 29:28Speaker 00

  Listen, I'll do tea tonight, right? Pizza?

• 29:32Speaker 01

  No.

• 29:33Speaker 00

  Oh, rude.

• 29:35Speaker 01

  It was just really fucking rude.

• 29:36Speaker 00

  I know, I'm sorry. I said I was sorry.

• 29:38Speaker 01

  It's okay. I do forgive you, but, but don't do it again, because I'm not being funny. I like, I'm also work, we're both work the same. It's not like one of, we're, that's another fucking boner content. Ah, no, because it's just like.

• 29:50Speaker 00

  Come on.

• 29:51Speaker 01

  I just, so we're both working, you're on tour, I'm doing this TV show.

• 29:55Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 29:55Speaker 01

  And then we had, uh, yesterday and the day, oh, like, off, sort of thing.

• 29:59Speaker 00

  But Monday, Tuesday off.

• 30:00Speaker 01

  Prepping for this, Monday and Tuesday. Um, but like, I was doing stuff.

• 30:05Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 30:05Speaker 01

  For the, like, I was tidying the house. I was, I actually went through all of, like, Robin and Rafe's old clothes and gave them away at the charity.

• 30:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:11Speaker 01

  Um, I went to the food shop. I also went Christmas shopping, and I bought loads of the kids' Christmas presents, because I'm very aware that we're away a lot, and we need to get sorted. What, what did you do?

• 30:23Speaker 00

  Thank you for asking. I shot the two best rounds of my life. I didn't think I'd get a chance to say this. I shot the two best rounds of my life, guys, uh, in golf. Monday, played out of me skin, shot it eighty-four, right? Forty in over par on a seventy, on a seventy par course. I went again on Tuesday, uh, obviously expected it to be worse. Eighty-two, beat it by two. Literally consecutive days, the two best scores I've ever done in golf. And thank you for asking, Rosie. I appreciate it. So there, there it is. So, very good. Couple of great days.

• 30:53Speaker 01

  Very upsetting.

• 30:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:54Speaker 01

  It's very upsetting how you genuinely have just had two days off, but I actually have.

• 30:59Speaker 00

  You could have had two days off. You chose to do them things.

• 31:01Speaker 01

  Then you do it.

• 31:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, but we could, we could squeeze them in another time. I'm away, I could, I could, you know, I'm, I'm always driving past Smith's Toys and that. And, you know, you should have, you should have had your days. Have a day tomorrow. Just do fuck all. Try and do nothing. Try and do something. Well, there you go. And I can, I can walk around a field with some sticks and chase a ball, and I had a fucking great time. Aight? My beef with you.

• 31:21Speaker 01

  No, the moral of the story is, I make dinner.

• 31:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:24Speaker 01

  Don't whinge. Just fucking eat. Eat what you're given and be grateful and shut the fuck up.

• 31:29Speaker 00

  I'll eat whatever I'm lucky enough for you to make. You're a fantastic cook, and I'm very sorry. I shouldn't have reacted like that. But chicken thighs are chewy and a bit.

• 31:36Speaker 01

  No, they're not. Well, I'm, I'm not eating, like, you, you, you would just literally, like, it, it has to be perfect. And I'm just, if you're a meat eater, you'll eat the meat and shut up.

• 31:47Speaker 00

  Uh, yeah, and I apologise.

• 31:48Speaker 01

  Because chicken breasts are not as nice as chicken thighs, so.

• 31:51Speaker 00

  Thighs are tasty, though. There's just a lot of work in them, but yeah.

• 31:53Speaker 01

  What does your beef with me?

• 31:54Speaker 00

  My beef with you is, uh, it's a whole family beef, I'll be honest. It's with you and them two.

• 31:59Speaker 01

  Oh, good.

• 32:00Speaker 00

  Um, you have bred two bloodhounds, just like yourself, and I can't live in a house.

• 32:08Speaker 01

  Oh, the sense of smell.

• 32:09Speaker 00

  With such intense fucking sensitive senses of smell.

• 32:13Speaker 01

  I know.

• 32:14Speaker 00

  Right, so the, first of all, it's, yeah, it's key offensive, right? So first of all, the other day, you came downstairs, straight away, you walked us, straight away. Normally, guys, it's, bin stinks, but this was, and your exact words were, Chris, if you had a monkey poo somewhere.

• 32:29Speaker 01

  Mm.

• 32:29Speaker 00

  And I said, excuse me, no. And if I had, it would have been flushed, and I would have shut the door. Chris, if you had it, and I went, no, I haven't, no. And Rob went, yeah, oh, it stinks, what's that? And Rafe went, oh, it stinks. And I couldn't smell it. I couldn't smell it then.

• 32:41Speaker 01

  How could you not smell that?

• 32:41Speaker 00

  I don't know. I couldn't smell it. And I was like, this is horrible. And there were three of you.

• 32:44Speaker 01

  Like Suez?

• 32:45Speaker 00

  Fucking running around, yeah, and that, right, I'll get to that. But the three of you is running around, like, blue arse flap. Just honestly, like, frigging, you know, Lady and the Tramp, when they take them away, and then the dogs are all running around in the puddles, sniffing. It was like that, right? They're all running around in the, sorry, it's a vivid memory for me. I watched it loads when I was a kid. You're running around, sniffing away like that. And I was like, what the fuck? And then you opened the door. So we've got, like, a boot room, and above the boot room is like a toilet that is rarely used, to be fair. We've got a load of, it needs to, I need to sort it out. There's loads of stuff in the way, and it's just up some stairs. Never gets used. And I walked into the boot room, and I was like, I was like, oh, to the, I was like, that's the drains. That's like a full-on sewage smell.

• 33:23Speaker 00

  That was offensive, that you thought I could have produced that out of my delightful little bum, right? That was well offensive. So, and I ended up having to just flush it and get water back in it.

• 33:33Speaker 01

  It's dry, wasn't it?

• 33:34Speaker 00

  Yes, for some reason, there was no water in the toilet. It was, have you ever seen a toilet with no water in? Like, that isn't, like, not, you know, it's not in B and Q. It's like, just, oh, god, it was horrible. So I had to flush that. But yeah, it was just the idea of like, oh, that must, that raw sewage smell must be your shit. I was like, absolutely not, how dare you? But yeah, three years, I had to open the doors and that, because I was like, they're, they're just gonna talk about this smell forever.

• 33:54Speaker 01

  I kind of love it, though.

• 33:56Speaker 00

  It's, I was like, I don't know.

• 33:59Speaker 01

  I kind of love that they don't like smells. Like, what, I'm sorry, they're never gonna stink, are they?

• 34:03Speaker 00

  Well, no, to be fair, that's quite, yeah, they're never, yeah, hopefully they're never gonna, like, smell. Yeah, fair enough.

• 34:07Speaker 01

  Lovely smelling lads.

• 34:09Speaker 00

  Oh, what's that alarm for?

• 34:11Speaker 01

  Oh, we need, we need to, um, tell everyone about the, the questions for Christmas.

• 34:16Speaker 00

  Okay, well, perfect. There we go. How incredible was that? Guys?

• 34:21Speaker 01

  Um, we've got Christmas episodes coming up.

• 34:23Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 34:23Speaker 01

  And we would love your specially made Christmas, sort of like, stories and questions and things like that. So if you get them sent in to [email protected], that would be great. Thank you so much. Is that your bit?

• 34:35Speaker 00

  Did you just say that? Did you say the email address?

• 34:37Speaker 01

  Yeah. I never said it, do I?

• 34:40Speaker 00

  That was horrible. I didn't know that at all. I don't know, just.

• 34:42Speaker 01

  I'm actually genuinely surprised I remember this.

• 34:44Speaker 00

  I was gonna say, I didn't think you knew the email address.

• 34:46Speaker 01

  I do.

• 34:46Speaker 00

  I'm gonna say it as well, because otherwise I think I'll get a twitch. [email protected], if you want to send in anything festive related for the Please Keep Me Anonymous, we've got some great guests on that. Um, friends of the pod, friends of us, so that'll be exciting. And if you want to send a Christmas voice note, anything about Christmas, your beefs with Christmas, anything that's happened over Christmas, any Christmas stories you've got, zero seven eight seven four four zero six six five zero. Thank you again to the person who made that sign.

• 35:10Speaker 01

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba.

• 35:12Speaker 00

  It's time for questions from the public.

• 35:14Speaker 01

  Questions from the public. What you got to say? Tell us all your stuff.

• 35:19Speaker 00

  That was a new one, wasn't it? I enjoyed that. Uh, guys, if you want to get in touch, [email protected], or for a voice note, it's zero seven eight seven four four zero six six five zero.

• 35:28Speaker 01

  Before we do questions from the public, I forgot to tell you all, like, um, I have succumbed to this, uh, to pack lunch.

• 35:34Speaker 00

  To pack lunch?

• 35:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:36Speaker 01

  Rafe was crying his eyes out this morning, man.

• 35:38Speaker 00

  That happened really quickly. I went in the shower and I came down, and the world was different.

• 35:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, just, I, he's been asking for months. Like, he's been asking for about a year and a half to go and pack lunch, because he eats a cheese sandwich every day. Like, the teacher's actually spoke to us about it, and she's like, he just eats a cheese sandwich every day, and he doesn't even like it. And I'm just, I'm like, what the fuck?

• 35:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:57Speaker 01

  He does eat loads better at home.

• 35:59Speaker 00

  He, to be fair.

• 36:00Speaker 01

  He eats really well at home. He's just not.

• 36:02Speaker 00

  He's odd with meat and stuff that's all mixed in. But that kid eats broccoli, he eats cherry tomatoes, he eats bananas.

• 36:09Speaker 01

  Peas, grapes, raspberries.

• 36:12Speaker 00

  Cheese, chicken.

• 36:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:14Speaker 00

  It's just with, like, he'll not have.

• 36:17Speaker 01

  He just doesn't like, like, lasagna.

• 36:19Speaker 00

  Lasagnas and bolognese.

• 36:20Speaker 01

  Dinner and all that kind of stuff. Yeah, anyway.

• 36:23Speaker 00

  It's exactly like I was. It's exactly like me. Apart from I didn't eat any vegetables or anything else. So he's, he's actually a lot better than me.

• 36:30Speaker 01

  Well, he's on pack lunch anyway, so there you go.

• 36:32Speaker 00

  There we go. Meanwhile, Robin will eat anything.

• 36:35Speaker 01

  Robin loves to school, doesn't he?

• 36:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:36Speaker 01

  Do you know what it is? It's more just like, I can't be arsed. And, and that, and, and that sounds really lazy, but it's just another thing to add. But, um, he still wants Fishy Friday.

• 36:48Speaker 00

  So he's gonna have great, because, oh, there, because he eats fish and fish fingers and fish.

• 36:51Speaker 01

  Fingers and chips.

• 36:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, of course, yeah.

• 36:52Speaker 01

  Um, and the pizza day, he still wants that. So, anyway, just to let you know, I have succumbed to.

• 36:58Speaker 00

  And actually, just before that, I want a, a quick tour update, by the way. I've still got about a month left of the tour. Um, this week is probably, as it's Friday now, I've got Brighton, I think, Friday night, and then Nottingham on Saturday. Still some ticks for them. And then all the, all the dates, chrisrancycomedy.com for just the final few, the last time I'll ever do this show. Uh, chrisrancycomedy.com for them, all the way until, I think, on the sixth of December in Buxton. Um, but we have, the tour van is currently, uh, at our house, because me tour manager left it here, then flew home, because it was easier than driving all the way back. And, um, did I tell you I let the, Robin came around with his little friend the other day, and I let them go in.

• 37:32Speaker 01

  But they thought it was disgusting.

• 37:33Speaker 00

  I, like, guys, I was like, hey, like, Rob was like, what's that? His little friend came around, they're playing the gun. They're like, what's, what's that van they're forward? That's the van that, uh, Daddy goes on tour with. They're like, what? I was like, yeah, there's a telly in the back and like a Nintendo Switch. And they're like, oh, wow, can we see it? And I went, yeah, of course, you can come and see the van, yeah. And I opened it, and they got it, and they went, oh, it stinks in here! Oh, what's that smell? Oh, there's Robert. And his friend, Rosie, Robin's little friend, kept finding bottle tops from bottles of Corona. I'm not exaggerating. He found about ten. Call aside, but he found about ten.

• 38:08Speaker 01

  What, he's doing? Just flinging them out of a bin?

• 38:09Speaker 00

  Just opening them and just throwing them on the floor, aye? It's dark.

• 38:13Speaker 01

  Honestly, he's a fucking grim.

• 38:14Speaker 00

  Fucking terrible, isn't it? I was like, they'll think I'm cool, or they think I'm a fucking slob. So that was nice.

• 38:20Speaker 01

  Yeah. Right, are we gonna start questions from the public?

• 38:24Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 38:25Speaker 06

  Hi Chris and Rosie. I am just listening to the most recent episode when you're talking about the theme tune of Home and Away and I don't know why, but I actually love it. It's always stayed in my head. So I've had to pause the podcast and come on to sing you the song because I don't even know, I don't even know if you get there in the end Rosie and, and find it, find it somewhere in your brain, but are you ready?

• 38:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:53Speaker 06

  Three, two, one. Hold me in your arms, don't let me go. I want to stay forever, closer each day. Home and away. And that's all I know.

• 39:09Speaker 00

  Fantastic.

• 39:11Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 39:12Speaker 00

  For, yeah. Do you know what? She got me there. She got us right in the nostalgia field. And I, I never used to watch Home and Away. I used to, I was a Neighbours guy.

• 39:23Speaker 01

  It's still on?

• 39:23Speaker 00

  Home and Away's still on?

• 39:24Speaker 01

  Apparently, so I couldn't believe it.

• 39:26Speaker 00

  Haven't loads of celebrities done like cameos in it?

• 39:28Speaker 01

  Possibly. Australian, innit?

• 39:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm sure like when like musicians and stuff go over to Australia at the tour, I'm sure they like pop up in it and stuff.

• 39:35Speaker 01

  Love it.

• 39:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, amazing.

• 39:37Speaker 01

  What would you like? Northern Irish saying, things you've heard people say, French, something. Short would you rather for Rosie?

• 39:45Speaker 00

  That one.

• 39:46Speaker 01

  That one?

• 39:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, first, that one first.

• 39:48Speaker 06

  Hi Chris and Rosie. I've got a would you rather for you based on last week's would you rather quiz that Chris did. It's mainly aimed at you Rosie, but if you had to give up wine or crisps, which one would you choose?

• 40:00Speaker 00

  Oh, that. That is someone who has listened to this, knows you. You've got to give up wine or crisps.

• 40:10Speaker 01

  Fuck. Shit, this is genuinely.

• 40:13Speaker 00

  Fuck shit.

• 40:14Speaker 01

  Fuck shit. Fuck shit up.

• 40:16Speaker 00

  Fuck shit, Jesus. Fuck shit, Jesus is right.

• 40:18Speaker 01

  I'd have to.

• 40:20Speaker 00

  10 points if you know what that film's from.

• 40:22Speaker 01

  Oh my god, that's the hardest thing I've ever been asked in my entire life.

• 40:25Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 40:27Speaker 01

  And I've been asked a lot of things. I'd have to give up, I'd have to give up crisps.

• 40:32Speaker 00

  Yeah. So, I knew, so can I just say, I knew you would pick up, I knew you would pick crisps because if you've gone to the same logic as, as me, which is like, you sometimes eat them horrible cracker things that are like polystyrene and you eat the other ones that are like bits of tree bark.

• 40:51Speaker 01

  Are me hummus crisps?

• 40:52Speaker 00

  No, hey.

• 40:54Speaker 01

  They're lovely then.

• 40:54Speaker 00

  No, they're gone as well. If you're giving up crisps, they're gone as well. They're amazing.

• 40:57Speaker 01

  But can I keep me rice cakes?

• 40:58Speaker 00

  Rice cake, that's it.

• 41:00Speaker 01

  Me root and balsamic.

• 41:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, you eat that, that.

• 41:02Speaker 01

  Rice cake, they're lovely then.

• 41:03Speaker 00

  Polystyrene things, yeah.

• 41:04Speaker 01

  And keep them.

• 41:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, so that's my point. So then they would fill crisps. And yeah, you know, your little strips of tree bark that you eat as well.

• 41:11Speaker 01

  Jerk, beef jerky?

• 41:12Speaker 00

  No, no.

• 41:13Speaker 01

  Oh, the rich little moment ones, yeah. I'll keep them.

• 41:16Speaker 00

  So then, you get to keep them.

• 41:17Speaker 01

  Tree bark?

• 41:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, so you get to have them and, and I've slagged them off. There's certain video ones that are fucking sensational to be fair. But yeah, so there's no, basically they can be a stand-in for crisps. There isn't a stand-in for wine. You'd have to start smoking crackers and something.

• 41:31Speaker 01

  I'm all for on wine. Oh no, come on. I do, I do, I do like a drink. I think I'd keep wine.

• 41:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, you've got to keep wine.

• 41:39Speaker 01

  Yeah. Do you want one more?

• 41:40Speaker 00

  Yes, please. Can I get the, the things people say one?

• 41:44Speaker 06

  Hi Chris and Rosie, big fan of the pod. Just a little one from me. Me and my partner about seven years ago, we were walking past John Lewis in Leeds and this angry bloke was just like shouting at the building. And two of the things that really cut through for us was, he was going, fuck you Jean Louis. With a really like beautiful French accent, but he was so mad. And then the second, and I would say more interesting one was he was like, suck my dick in the English way. Now, it raised a couple of questions for us as to what, do English and French blowjobs differ? I don't know. But yeah, we say it quite a lot to each other. Suck my dick in the English way.

• 42:27Speaker 06

  Enjoy. Love the pod. And yeah.

• 42:31Speaker 00

  Fuck you Jean Louis.

• 42:33Speaker 01

  Fuck you Jean Louis.

• 42:34Speaker 00

  Jean Louis.

• 42:35Speaker 01

  With tros.

• 42:36Speaker 00

  I enjoy Jean Louis. That's great.

• 42:39Speaker 01

  Jean Louis is nice, innit?

• 42:40Speaker 00

  Jean Louis. Fuck, but so why, why is he so hard? Again, more questions.

• 42:43Speaker 01

  He's French, he's been kicked out of John Lewis and he's.

• 42:45Speaker 00

  What, for being French? We can't, we can't say that?

• 42:48Speaker 01

  No, he's just French, but he's been kicked out for some reason. He's saying fuck you Jean Louis. But what's, what's a blowjob in the English way?

• 42:54Speaker 00

  In the English way.

• 42:55Speaker 01

  Toothy?

• 42:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, maybe, yeah. We are, we are renowned for having bad teeth around the world. Suck my dick in the English way.

• 43:02Speaker 01

  Quite enjoyed that.

• 43:03Speaker 00

  Fantastic, that, innit?

• 43:06Speaker 05

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• 45:01Speaker 02

  Your sausage McMuffin with egg didn't change, your receipt did. The sausage McMuffin with egg extra value meal includes a hash brown and a small coffee for just $5. Only at McDonald's for a limited time.

• 45:13Speaker 03

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• 45:18Speaker 01

  Hello Chris and Rosie. I've just listened to last week's episode where you discussed the various methods to transport and shopping. I had a look online by the way, you can absolutely just buy them shop and court everywhere.

• 45:29Speaker 00

  Can you really?

• 45:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, they do them on Amazon, like actual. I might genuinely get one.

• 45:32Speaker 00

  Oh, go on. Get one, just so I can take the piss out of you. So I can follow you in the shop, film you in there. Can you put them in while you're going around?

• 45:39Speaker 01

  What are you, what are you, why is this, why is your, am I being bullied?

• 45:44Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 45:44Speaker 01

  Why is your go-to, yeah, get one, I was like, follow you around, take the piss. You're horrible to me. You're horrible to me.

• 45:51Speaker 00

  When you looked at them, did they have loads of different designs or was it just the like faux tartan?

• 45:55Speaker 01

  No, like plain, like quite cool.

• 45:57Speaker 00

  Really?

• 45:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 45:58Speaker 00

  Oh wow, okay. All right, I apologize. Yeah. Get a good one. Can you, that's the thing. Can you do your scanning shop and put it in there or do you have to do a trolley and then change it to the trolley? Because I think they get upset if you walk around and you put stuff in a bag, you look like you're stealing.

• 46:11Speaker 01

  I reckon you could. I seen a lass yesterday at the food warehouse, warehouse, whatever it is. She put all of, she didn't get a basket, she put all of her shopping on the bottom of her Ben's Pram.

• 46:20Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 46:20Speaker 01

  And then took it all out and put it on the, on the conveyor belt, so.

• 46:24Speaker 00

  I saw a similar thing in Smith's Toys last year. Someone putting all of the toys on the bottom of their Ben's Pram, but then they ran out the door with it. That was nice.

• 46:32Speaker 01

  Did you actually?

• 46:32Speaker 00

  Nice bit of entertainment, yeah.

• 46:33Speaker 01

  Oh, do you know what? My mum, my mum and Auntie Cath just keep witnessing people stealing from shops. Have you heard them do this?

• 46:40Speaker 00

  No.

• 46:41Speaker 01

  Whenever they come here, they've just seen someone shoplifting.

• 46:43Speaker 00

  Right.

• 46:43Speaker 01

  And apparently, it must just be prolific. And they're like, the security, security guards don't do anything.

• 46:50Speaker 00

  Well, they came out a while ago and then said, we won't stop you. It was like, it became, it became like news. I think I talked about it on here before, the Tesco, the big Tesco in Sunderland. The guy was like, oh yeah, we're just, he was like, they grab all their stuff, they hold it in their arms and the security guards escort them.

• 47:03Speaker 01

  Don't let them go.

• 47:05Speaker 00

  They hold it in their arms, don't let them go. No, I won't pay. I'll take these home now away.

• 47:17Speaker 01

  Very good. Listen, listen. Shut up. Various mes- methods, sorry, of transport and shopping. It, it immediately reminded me of my husband's chosen shopping bag.

• 47:29Speaker 00

  Right.

• 47:30Speaker 01

  He had one important Christmas job by the alcohol. Naturally, he left it until Christmas Eve.

• 47:35Speaker 00

  Legend.

• 47:36Speaker 01

  No. From our bedroom window, I watched the retail park filling up before the shops had even opened. They must live overlooked on the retail park.

• 47:44Speaker 00

  I've just got a fucking good telescope.

• 47:46Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, exactly. The car park is a nightmare on a good day. So rather than battle the queues and hunt for a parking space, he unveiled his genius solution.

• 47:56Speaker 00

  Can I just say, just before you go any further, if we lived right next door to a retail park, I'd leave everything for Christmas Eve as well.

• 48:02Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, of course you would.

• 48:03Speaker 00

  Of course you would. I'm just walking, what, you want us to walk over there? I'll do it a bit, I'll do it later.

• 48:06Speaker 01

  Yeah. He unveiled his genius solution.

• 48:09Speaker 00

  Right.

• 48:10Speaker 01

  Do you want to have a guess of what he's using?

• 48:11Speaker 00

  So what is it? Is it, he's got, right, I, I know what it is. I know what it is.

• 48:16Speaker 01

  And I hate it when you do this.

• 48:17Speaker 00

  I think I've guessed it. I think I've got it.

• 48:19Speaker 01

  Well, don't guess. I'm gonna tell you.

• 48:20Speaker 00

  Right, I'm gonna do the letter on me fingers underneath, right? Just the first letter of the first letter of the word. And then if it's right, I'm gonna lift it up.

• 48:27Speaker 01

  He unveiled his genius solution.

• 48:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:30Speaker 01

  A wheelbarrow. Well done.

• 48:32Speaker 00

  West Side. I was doing it, I was doing it, Ali G, West Side.

• 48:35Speaker 01

  His wheelbarrow, which is very clever.

• 48:37Speaker 00

  Fucking legend.

• 48:37Speaker 01

  Not a trolley, not a bag for life, a wheelbarrow.

• 48:39Speaker 00

  You mean, you mean business if you're going to get the alcohol with a wheelbarrow.

• 48:43Speaker 01

  Off he trundled down the road like he'd just escaped from the Garden Centre Olympics.

• 48:50Speaker 01

  Sadly, he stopped short of taking it around a little and parked it outside.

• 48:54Speaker 00

  Oh boo, coward.

• 48:56Speaker 01

  For a trolley instead.

• 48:57Speaker 00

  Coward.

• 48:58Speaker 01

  Which raises the obvious question, why transfer your shopping from one perfect carrier to another?

• 49:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:03Speaker 01

  About an hour later, I spotted him returning victorious, wheelbarrow piled high with crates of beer and perched majestically on top, a single loaf of bread, as though that's all he needed to get him through the festive period.

• 49:15Speaker 00

  Toast, toast and beer.

• 49:17Speaker 01

  The best bit, several people stopped him on the way home to tell him, that's a brilliant idea.

• 49:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:22Speaker 01

  Wish I'd thought of that. So my husband remains the only person I know who has successfully used a wheelbarrow as a Christmas shopping bag and received public praise for it.

• 49:30Speaker 00

  Fantastic. Can I just say, if I don't upset any supermarkets here, but if again, if I lived that close, I would just, I'd have my own trolley.

• 49:40Speaker 01

  I think I had struck up a deal with them saying.

• 49:42Speaker 00

  I'd have said, I live there.

• 49:43Speaker 01

  Take the lock off.

• 49:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:44Speaker 01

  Let us just have a trolley.

• 49:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'll buy a trolley off you.

• 49:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:47Speaker 00

  Yeah. And I would, yeah, take the thing off the wheel.

• 49:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:49Speaker 00

  I've discussed, you know, when I'm in a hurry now, so again, the big Tesco in Sunderland, right? They've got a big travelator.

• 49:54Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 49:54Speaker 00

  And when I'm in a hurry now, I get on with the empty trolley at the bottom, but you can't push them, the wheels go in the thing.

• 50:00Speaker 01

  I get the lift, mate.

• 50:00Speaker 00

  Well, disgusting, killing the planet, bad environment, etc.

• 50:05Speaker 01

  Is it?

• 50:05Speaker 00

  I don't know. No, probably not. It was just a lift, it would be operating anyway, wouldn't it? And I'm kidding. But what I do is, right, so I get on the bottom, it's normally, so if I've got the kids with us, they wait until the travelator is completely empty because they love sprinting up it.

• 50:19Speaker 01

  Great.

• 50:19Speaker 00

  Right?

• 50:19Speaker 01

  That's that's safe.

• 50:20Speaker 00

  You're definitely not supposed to do. So they sprint up it, but I want to catch them. I don't want them, you know, like the pair of feral fucking animals. They'll just run into the supermarket, I'll never see them again. But I can't push it up because it locks. So I get as close to the trolley as I can and I push the bar of the trolley against me like hips and my stomach. And I lean forward and I grab the sides of the trolley, I put my finger, my fingers in the sides of the trolley and I just lift the whole trolley up and I run up the escalator.

• 50:46Speaker 01

  Why?

• 50:47Speaker 00

  Because I want to get to the top and I can't push it. You can't just, you can't just like hammer it through.

• 50:51Speaker 01

  What's wrong with you?

• 50:52Speaker 00

  So I basically lift it up like that. So I've got it like right in front of us, almost like it's a tray. And I just sprint up the travelator with it.

• 50:59Speaker 01

  You're gonna die. That's how you're gonna die.

• 51:00Speaker 00

  I did it this morning because I was in a hurry because I was going to get my hair cut and I had to go to Tesco. And a lady coming down the other side of the escalator gave me the weirdest look.

• 51:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, because that's monkey.

• 51:10Speaker 00

  Because I basically looked, I looked like I'm basically air humping a trolley.

• 51:13Speaker 01

  Why did you get a trolley? What else did you buy?

• 51:15Speaker 00

  I was just buying firewood and stuff like that for the logs and for the log burners and that and some, some stuff. What's got to do with you? What I buy? Could have been a Christmas present for you, eh?

• 51:24Speaker 01

  Hi both. Currently listening to this week's episode when you talk about what people pack their shopping into, this is another one, right? I worked in a frozen food shop for a while when I was at uni and an older couple would come in every couple of weeks with the empty plastic drawers from their freezer.

• 51:39Speaker 00

  No.

• 51:40Speaker 01

  And add their shopping to them as they went around the shop.

• 51:43Speaker 00

  That is outstanding.

• 51:45Speaker 01

  I always found it very strange, but I suppose it meant they didn't overbuy as they only bought exactly what would fit in their freezer.

• 51:52Speaker 00

  That's phenomenal.

• 51:53Speaker 01

  It's pretty.

• 51:54Speaker 00

  Honestly, go one better. Bring the full freezer in.

• 51:57Speaker 01

  Let's not.

• 51:58Speaker 00

  Bring the freezer in. You know, when you buy one and they come, they bring it on that trolley, take it in, I'll lift it, I'll run up the escalator with it, right? So it doesn't get stuck.

• 52:08Speaker 00

  What?

• 52:09Speaker 01

  Just, why are you picking the trolley up?

• 52:11Speaker 00

  Oh, you're still on that?

• 52:12Speaker 01

  It's just so weird. You didn't have the kids with you this morning?

• 52:14Speaker 00

  No, I was in a hurry though and I was like, you know, I'm like quite ADHD, so.

• 52:18Speaker 01

  I don't know anyone who picks the trolley off the travelator. Like people should be reading.

• 52:23Speaker 00

  Chris, I'm pleased to meet you. You do now.

• 52:25Speaker 01

  I don't want to shit your hand. You give us yuck.

• 52:27Speaker 00

  Well, it's because like in my head, again, it's up there with, you know, when I say I go down to tie my boots and I feel like I'm down there five years. It's the same. If I'm on the bottom of the travelator and I see the top and I'm like, oh, and I'm in a hurry. And you know, I like squeezing stuff in and I'm in a hurry and I'm like, oh God, yeah. She was, the woman was like, the woman on the other, on the down travelator was absolutely mortified.

• 52:49Speaker 01

  I'm mortified. I'm actually mortified.

• 52:54Speaker 01

  I'm gonna have to tell my mum.

• 52:55Speaker 00

  So I just do that, like anyone watching the video. So I've got it like here and I just lean like here, there, and I lean like that and I lift it.

• 53:02Speaker 01

  And you walk, and you walk with the truck?

• 53:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, I lift the trolley and I'm right.

• 53:05Speaker 01

  Chris, that is the weirdest fucking thing I've ever heard.

• 53:10Speaker 01

  How have the kids never told me this?

• 53:12Speaker 00

  I don't know. Well, they've already run up there, don't see.

• 53:14Speaker 01

  You're on the telly?

• 53:17Speaker 01

  You're not an anonymous person?

• 53:18Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 53:19Speaker 01

  I can't believe this.

• 53:20Speaker 00

  In my head, I like to think people are like, people will look and go, oh wow, he's strong and efficient.

• 53:25Speaker 01

  No, and you had the audacity, the audacity to circle back with the man with a cat on his back.

• 53:32Speaker 01

  And you're picking up trolleys on the travelator. You're ill. You're actually ill.

• 53:36Speaker 00

  Well, you're not aware that I'm a huge hypocrite. We're not aware of this.

• 53:38Speaker 01

  Oh, I know that, that you're ill. You're ill mate. That's it. Don't do that when you were me. That's so fucking weird.

• 53:43Speaker 00

  I'll have to to show you. I'll have to do it at least once.

• 53:47Speaker 01

  Hello both. Hope you and the boys are good. They're fine. Here's something for yous, by the way. You've pretty much grown up with Robin. You know quite a lot about him. Very feral as a child. Speaking of feral kids, running everywhere.

• 54:01Speaker 00

  Big time.

• 54:02Speaker 01

  There's light at the end of the tunnel. If you have a little feral child currently, it gets so much better. Went with, I went with Robin yesterday for, to get his eye, his prescription, what's it called when you get like?

• 54:15Speaker 00

  Like an eye test?

• 54:15Speaker 01

  An eye test.

• 54:16Speaker 00

  Jesus.

• 54:17Speaker 01

  He's just mint.

• 54:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:18Speaker 01

  Just sat in the waiting room, we just chatted and then he, he was so grown up getting his eyes tested. And oh my God, Chris, at one point he was getting his eyes tested, he looked over to us and he winked at us.

• 54:28Speaker 00

  Oh wow.

• 54:31Speaker 01

  It was.

• 54:32Speaker 00

  Oh, that's love.

• 54:33Speaker 01

  Like literally like, and I was just like, oh my God. And I, and I couldn't help but just sit there and just look at him and be like, oh, you've just grown up.

• 54:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:42Speaker 01

  Just grown up and it, it, it just, there is light at the end of the tunnel because they will stop.

• 54:47Speaker 00

  Oh, it's great. Now you're going to cafes with your restaurants with you and just sit and chat. It's, yeah, it's lovely.

• 54:51Speaker 01

  So yeah, just because he was hard graft when he was younger.

• 54:54Speaker 00

  I do think it's important now and then to give people, you know, let people know that there is light. I say it to Carl all the time because Carl's got like little, little kids still, but you know, and he's got a two year old and a five year old or whatever. And I just say, look mate, I'm not bragging here. But my days off, when I've got the kids, aren't as mental as yours because they're at a point now where there is light.

• 55:14Speaker 01

  It's a lot easier, doesn't it?

• 55:15Speaker 00

  Because we said for years that we were in the trenches with kids, but I think we're out.

• 55:18Speaker 01

  I think we're out of the trenches now.

• 55:20Speaker 00

  High five.

• 55:20Speaker 01

  I do, I do, I think we're.

• 55:22Speaker 00

  Congratulations.

• 55:23Speaker 01

  But now we're just, it's all quiet on the western front until they want to start going out.

• 55:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 55:28Speaker 01

  And then the, you know, vapes.

• 55:30Speaker 00

  Vapes. He's got a dozen vapes. That's it.

• 55:34Speaker 01

  Listen, I'll get straight into this as I'm currently sat on the side of the pitch for my fiance's local Sunday league game. Side note, there was no bigger ick in this world than 20 plus men screaming at each other in matching outfits because someone fell over.

• 55:47Speaker 00

  Horrible.

• 55:48Speaker 01

  Well, you're sat there watching them though, in love.

• 55:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, but this is before kids. This is fiance. This is like when you used to go fishing with your ex. You'd sit at the driving range and watch them. And now you won't even, won't even ask me how my day went when I play golf.

• 56:02Speaker 00

  Sad.

• 56:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, that is true. That did a lot of things. Yep. Okay, back to it. They play at the local public field. And that's the end of the sentence. I just can't read properly.

• 56:19Speaker 01

  So they play at the local public field.

• 56:21Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 56:21Speaker 01

  Mid game, they've just had to stop because of a dog shit on the field.

• 56:30Speaker 00

  Right, sorry, sorry. Couple of things.

• 56:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:34Speaker 00

  It was already there.

• 56:35Speaker 01

  I'm guessing it was already there.

• 56:37Speaker 00

  Right, so they've run over, obviously that has been.

• 56:38Speaker 01

  Found it while they're playing.

• 56:39Speaker 00

  So is there, right, so by that logic, is there a dog shit inspection beforehand and it slipped through the cracks? Or do you just play and then someone goes, oh, she had on this dog shit here?

• 56:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, I honestly don't know.

• 56:48Speaker 00

  I didn't know the stop for dog shit. Read on, this is incredible.

• 56:50Speaker 01

  Listen, their manager was told he had to pick it up as it's their home field. There is rules in place.

• 56:57Speaker 00

  You never see this on the telly when the Premier League are playing. I've never seen, I've never seen this during the World Cup.

• 57:03Speaker 01

  People do the things. Luckily, a spectator was there with their dog and gave him a doggy poo bag, right?

• 57:10Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 57:10Speaker 01

  Everyone watched him walk across the pitch, but I can't believe what I saw.

• 57:14Speaker 00

  So upsetting.

• 57:14Speaker 01

  It's freezing, right? I'm wearing gloves, but I pulled them off so fast to send this in. So they're literally still sat watching this.

• 57:22Speaker 00

  Right.

• 57:23Speaker 01

  It says pause for mystery.

• 57:25Speaker 00

  So what did, right, okay.

• 57:26Speaker 01

  Posing for the mystery.

• 57:27Speaker 00

  All right, yeah. But right, so.

• 57:28Speaker 01

  He picked up the shit with his bare hand.

• 57:31Speaker 00

  Huh? What? What? Why? What?

• 57:34Speaker 01

  Inflicted in the poo bag, bare hand in capital letters. All the players, two linos.

• 57:41Speaker 00

  Linesmen.

• 57:42Speaker 01

  One ref and about 15 spectators. No one said a word. How does life go on after witnessing this?

• 57:49Speaker 00

  I can't, I can't.

• 57:50Speaker 01

  Just to make Chris feel even worse, I've since seen him wipe his nose with the same hand and he is vaping with the same hand.

• 57:59Speaker 00

  Fuck yourself.

• 58:00Speaker 01

  I've already decided his new name, shit mitts.

• 58:06Speaker 00

  That, well done. That cheered me up.

• 58:07Speaker 01

  Very good. She's, she's signed off withholding my vomit, Meghan.

• 58:11Speaker 00

  That it, Meghan. So right, so this is a guy who has no knowledge of dog poo bags, has, doesn't have a dog, was handed the bag.

• 58:22Speaker 01

  I don't have a dog. I wouldn't pick up dog shit with me bare hand.

• 58:26Speaker 00

  Something in his brain has gone.

• 58:28Speaker 01

  It's because he was being watched. He's just.

• 58:30Speaker 00

  He's panicked. Because I was just about to say, I would, I'd be very self-conscious if a full picture, Peter was watching, observing me pick up dog shit. And it would be so demoralising.

• 58:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, it is.

• 58:42Speaker 00

  But he just hasn't, his brain hasn't worked and he hasn't thought to just put his hand in the bag.

• 58:47Speaker 01

  He might not know what to do, so he just picks it and flicks it.

• 58:49Speaker 00

  Like, but again, again.

• 58:54Speaker 00

  Are they all better people than me? Have they all gone, let's just not say, because I would literally go, oh, he's got everyone!

• 58:59Speaker 01

  Yeah. I mean, you would, but people don't do that. And also, he's the manager. He's the team's manager.

• 59:05Speaker 00

  Oh, he's the manager. At least he's not playing. I was gonna say, because if it's like, oh, Chris, you're marking that wing and I'm like, I'm not, I'm going anywhere.

• 59:10Speaker 01

  No, he's the manager.

• 59:11Speaker 00

  I'll be got no chance.

• 59:12Speaker 01

  He's the manager. That's why. Respect and all that. But yeah, gross. Absolutely monkey. Hacky, hacky monkey.

• 59:19Speaker 00

  That upset me so much. Picked up his bare hand and dropped it in the pit. What are you doing, man?

• 59:26Speaker 01

  Bless him.

• 59:28Speaker 00

  He didn't manage that very well, did he? Eh?

• 59:31Speaker 01

  Well done. One more. One more.

• 59:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:34Speaker 01

  Hiya Rosie and Chris. I love your section of the podcast of the podcast.

• 59:37Speaker 00

  The podcast.

• 59:38Speaker 01

  Where you and listeners talk about things that people have said in the past that gets quoted forevermore. Years ago, me and my husband were waiting for a taxi outside a pub one night when a guy got chucked out of the said establishment. The guy angrily walked away from there, but as he did, he turned back and shouted, your pub's shithole anyway, mate. I'd rather drink in it. I don't know.

• 1:00:03Speaker 00

  God, that's fantastic.

• 1:00:09Speaker 01

  The pause before, I don't know, was so long. Made it all the more hilarious and ever since then, it's been one of our favourite in-jokes.

• 1:00:20Speaker 00

  Oh, love him. I don't know what he was kicked out for.

• 1:00:22Speaker 01

  I'd rather drink in. Not at all.

• 1:00:32Speaker 00

  I love that he just, he barreled into it with so much vigour and then just like panicked and just didn't have her. Oh God, that's so good. Where would you, all right, like, let's have a turn each.

• 1:00:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:44Speaker 00

  Finish it. Where would you rather drink in her? Your pub's a shithole, mate. I'd rather drink in her.

• 1:00:51Speaker 01

  Fucking, it's in the beast's casket.

• 1:00:53Speaker 00

  It's a hard one, isn't it? It is a hard one. It's a hard one. Cause there's no, brothel comes to mind, but of course you'd rather drink in a brothel. You're horny on a night out.

• 1:01:00Speaker 01

  He's fucked himself. He's stupid, he hasn't.

• 1:01:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, pub's a shithole, mate. I'd rather drink in her.

• 1:01:05Speaker 01

  It's fucking me house.

• 1:01:07Speaker 00

  Old people's home. People's home's quite good.

• 1:01:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, there's not, there's not really anything there.

• 1:01:12Speaker 01

  No, he's, no. God bless him. And it got witnessed.

• 1:01:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:19Speaker 00

  I'd rather be in the house. Yeah, well, yeah, you're going in the house.

• 1:01:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:22Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 1:01:23Speaker 01

  See you later.

• 1:01:24Speaker 00

  Poo a fucker. Poo a fucker.

• 1:01:30Speaker 01

  Thank you so much for listening and watching this week's episode of Shag Marionoid.

• 1:01:33Speaker 00

  Yes, thank you very much indeed. Please don't forget to send us your Christmas beefs and Christmas stories and everything. And to [email protected]. And don't just have your Christmas, you can send everything, but specifically we're after Christmas ones at the moment. [email protected]. And if you want to send any voice notes, festival, otherwise, it's 0787 44 06650. Love you, bye.

• 1:01:54Speaker 01

  Bye.

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