Please Keep Me Anonymous with Lee Mack and Sally Bretton

On this week's Please Keep Me Anonymous, Chris and Rosie are joined by the brilliant Lee Mack (Would I lie to You, The 1% Club, Not Going Out) and Sally Bretton (Not Going Out, Beyond Paradise). The on-screen couple chat about the new series of Not Going Out as well as a documentary, celebrating 20 years of the show. Of course the conversation goes in all kinds of directions including practical jokes, the etiquette of acting, chastity belts and Chris shares a story from the first time he met Lee. All of this plus a fabulous dilemma from one of our listeners! The new Series of Not Going Out starts tonight (23rd September) on BBC One at 9.30pm and you can watch 20 Years of Not Going Out before, at 9pm. Both will be available on BBC iplayer. If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [email protected] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  When fall comes back around, there's a sense of a reset. And new pieces from Lululemon's fall drop are an inspiration to push your goals and elevate your routines. As your calendar fills, easy-to-layer styles meet the demands of your day. And as you challenge yourself to try even more, versatile sets transition with you. The Lululemon Fall Lineup brings new levels of comfort and confidence, whether you're starting something fresh or starting something over. Check out the latest arrivals in-store and on lululemon.com now.

• 0:30Speaker 01

  Hello, you are listening to Shag Mar De Noy, please keep me anonymous.

• 0:33Speaker 02

  And this week, we are joined by the fantastic Sally Bretton and Lee Mack from Not Going Out. Among other things, Not Going Out returns for a new series on the BBC from Wednesday the 23rd of September, which is tonight, goddammit!

• 0:48Speaker 01

  And it's been going for 20 years.

• 0:50Speaker 02

  Crazy.

• 0:50Speaker 01

  Can you believe it? 15th series, 20 years.

• 0:53Speaker 02

  Incredible, absolute powerhouse. We had a lovely chat with the pair of them, it was fantastic.

• 0:57Speaker 01

  It was really, really nice, and I think you guys are gonna love it.

• 1:00Speaker 02

  Sally's first-ever podcast, by the way. World exclusive.

• 1:03Speaker 01

  Cherry.

• 1:04Speaker 02

  Not only is it its 20-year anniversary, there's also a documentary celebrating 20 years of Not Going Out. And we've seen it, and it's very funny and very interesting.

• 1:12Speaker 01

  It's really interesting, there's loads of stuff that I didn't have a clue about, to be honest with you.

• 1:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, really, really good documentary, so make sure you catch that on BBC One and on iPlayer as well.

• 1:42Speaker 03

  You've got to think of a band now with a number. Five.

• 1:44Speaker 01

  Five, like, well, that's an F.

• 1:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, but that's an F. There's no bounds with just a number, is there?

• 1:49Speaker 01

  There will be.

• 1:49Speaker 03

  Sham 16, that's a F. Five-star was a F.

• 1:52Speaker 01

  Is that in your jukebox?

• 1:53Speaker 03

  No, there's no five-star.

• 1:54Speaker 02

  So you've got a jukebox?

• 1:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:56Speaker 02

  Are you happy to talk about your jukebox? Because I want to know about your jukebox.

• 1:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, go on, I'll talk about your jukebox.

• 2:01Speaker 02

  We're talking about it now, it's on.

• 2:02Speaker 03

  Oh, we are, we started.

• 2:03Speaker 01

  We're going, it's...

• 2:04Speaker 02

  We do the American start, where we just start already.

• 2:06Speaker 01

  I listened to an American podcast once where they just start, and I was like, I just want to do that.

• 2:12Speaker 03

  And I'm obsessed with this new way of doing any sort of documentary.

• 2:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:18Speaker 03

  You can't just go, and we're here now. It always has to be the bit where they come down, and you see them fluffing, and then they walk off and all that.

• 2:24Speaker 02

  Little bit of makeup.

• 2:25Speaker 03

  And it's amazing how everyone latches on to that, don't they? And say, oh, we better do that as well.

• 2:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:29Speaker 03

  We better do what everyone else is doing.

• 2:31Speaker 02

  Standard Specials did it, they stopped, now with Standard Special, there's not really any music, there's not really any build-up. They're just literally, the emcee will just say their name.

• 2:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:39Speaker 02

  Ladies and gentlemen, Lee Mack. And then they just walk out.

• 2:42Speaker 03

  I'm old-school, though, I prefer the, I like to know when I'm chatting, and then when showbiz has started.

• 2:48Speaker 02

  Right.

• 2:48Speaker 01

  Okay, well, the showbiz has started.

• 2:50Speaker 03

  I think that's it.

• 2:51Speaker 01

  I can do a proper, I'll do an old-school...

• 2:54Speaker 03

  I'd like to see a bit of...

• 2:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, just tell what...

• 2:57Speaker 03

  I mean, it's very casual, because you're just talking off-camera.

• 3:00Speaker 02

  She's just talking about the clock, she's just talking about the clock, there's no clock, she's just gonna tell when we need to stop talking, and that's it.

• 3:05Speaker 01

  Okay, I'll look for that. Listen, we'll do it proper, are you ready?

• 3:08Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 3:08Speaker 03

  I want to say proper, I'm more old-school than you, you're just giving me a big build-up. I want a band.

• 3:13Speaker 01

  No, there's no band.

• 3:13Speaker 03

  I want to walk down some stairs.

• 3:15Speaker 01

  Okay, are you ready?

• 3:16Speaker 02

  I want to walk down, I want to walk down some stairs!

• 3:19Speaker 03

  This is just chatting.

• 3:21Speaker 01

  Right, okay, we're gonna do it, are you ready?

• 3:29Speaker 03

  Now, if you were old-school, you'd now go, "Sorry about that."

• 3:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, you've got to do it properly, if you're gonna make those noises, at least have the decency to do the fart joke.

• 3:40Speaker 02

  I can't believe, I can't believe you did it, I can't believe how long it went on for.

• 3:44Speaker 03

  I did go on, I have to admit.

• 3:45Speaker 01

  I'm not done yet, I'm not done yet, okay.

• 3:48Speaker 03

  I'm starting to think a band would have been more casual.

• 3:52Speaker 01

  Hello, you are listening to Shag Mar De Noy, please keep me anonymous. On today's show, we have got the gorgeous Sally Bretton and Lee Mack.

• 4:01Speaker 03

  I'm not sure about, I'm happy with that billing.

• 4:05Speaker 02

  The gorgeous Sally Bretton and Lee Mack. Okay, can I just redo it? The gorgeous Sally Bretton, and honestly, looks good for his age, Lee Mack.

• 4:12Speaker 03

  Do you know what, talking of age, a couple of days ago, I texted my cousin, who's a dermatologist, or she understands that world, anyway. He says not quite knowing what her type is. And I said, "I've got this little skin thing, I'm just worried about..." You know, you worry when you get to a certain age, so I texted her and said, "Do you think that's all right? Do you think I should get it checked out?" She said, "Well, we'll always get it checked out, but just so you know, it's almost definitely", and then gave a fancy name, and then said, "What we used to call..." And two words you'd never want to hear at any age, but particularly my age, they're probably just what we used to call senile warts.

• 4:44Speaker 01

  Oh my god!

• 4:45Speaker 03

  Senile and warts!

• 4:49Speaker 03

  I'll show you later.

• 4:51Speaker 01

  Senile warts.

• 4:52Speaker 03

  Just on my head, just a little abrasion on my head. But apparently they're just called senile warts.

• 4:56Speaker 02

  Senile warts. I thought you were gonna say age spot, which would have been upsetting. But senile wart is much, senile is much worse than age, and wart is much worse than spot, so she's gone even higher there.

• 5:06Speaker 03

  Just when you thought the word senile couldn't get any worse, you stick a warts on the end.

• 5:08Speaker 01

  Well, that's like if you, when I had a baby at 34...

• 5:12Speaker 03

  Wow, that's quite old for a baby.

• 5:14Speaker 02

  Oh god!

• 5:17Speaker 03

  For what it's worth, I can't help myself.

• 5:19Speaker 01

  Okay, I know, I know.

• 5:20Speaker 03

  I don't want to do this.

• 5:21Speaker 01

  I will let you off.

• 5:22Speaker 03

  It's a bit like passing wind, I don't do it for effect, I just can't help it.

• 5:25Speaker 02

  You know I'm gonna lap this up, this is gonna be the best woman in my life.

• 5:28Speaker 01

  Chris tries to do this, this is the kind of, like, that Chris tries to lead at home, doing all of the jokes, and it doesn't go down well. But that's fine.

• 5:34Speaker 02

  I literally got told to go back on tour, I do know this. I got told, it was literally like, "You need to go back on tour." Rosie, the kids, everyone. Been men, clean as, everything, didn't they?

• 5:43Speaker 03

  Our dad joke, you know that thing where you walk, and then you kick the back of your heel, and pretend you've fallen over?

• 5:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:49Speaker 03

  I realise now that not only do I do that to try and make the kids laugh, and they don't laugh.

• 5:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:53Speaker 03

  I do it when I'm on my own.

• 5:56Speaker 03

  That's mad, isn't it? I walk along, go, "Oop!", and there's no one in. Who am I doing it for?

• 6:01Speaker 02

  The man has got a joke for everything. Do you know I was eating a banana as he came in, and he took the banana off us and showed us how I have to do a prank on people with bananas?

• 6:08Speaker 03

  It's a great prank. Have you done the pre-sliced banana thing?

• 6:10Speaker 01

  No.

• 6:11Speaker 03

  Right, what you do is, you get a banana, right? And you say to someone, "Have you seen these new pre-sliced bananas?", and they think, "What are you on about?", they go, "Oh yeah, they grow pre-sliced."

• 6:20Speaker 01

  Right.

• 6:20Speaker 03

  And then the person, you give the banana to, peels it, and the banana is beautifully sliced already. And the way you do it is that you get a needle and thread, and you know, like, a banana is sort of like a hexagonal shape, it's got lots of little straight edges. You put the needle and thread through one side, then pack through the hole, then the other little side, and go all the way around, then pull it through the hole, you can't see the hole, but it's sliced the banana. That make sense? Do that about eight times, give them the banana, let them peel it, but you never tell them. And what you hope is that they then go to Marks and Spencer's and go, "So I'm looking for these pre-sliced bananas." So they go, there's no such thing, "No, I've seen it." You peel it, and it's already sliced.

• 6:59Speaker 02

  It's like you're doing...

• 7:00Speaker 03

  You never see the outcome. If you do it 10 times, I guarantee one person will go and try and buy pre-sliced bananas.

• 7:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think you're right. I think we need to do that to Robin.

• 7:08Speaker 02

  Right, my 10-year-old would absolutely eat that up, he would love that so much. Yeah, he would love it. But then he'd want them, or the 5-year-old would want them every time, and it sounds like a right pain in the arse.

• 7:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. Oh, you wouldn't tell your kid either that it was a trick, you'd let him believe it?

• 7:20Speaker 02

  Well, I'd have to be, I'd have to get up in the middle of the night and pre-slice all the bananas, wouldn't I? I'd be sick of my life. It'd be like a new job, it'd be like a fucking elf.

• 7:26Speaker 03

  How much work are you willing to do for the laugh? Chris is what you've got to ask yourself. I'd stay up all night for one small giggle.

• 7:35Speaker 01

  I totally believe that.

• 7:37Speaker 02

  So Sally, you must be fully, you've been working together now for how long? Nearly 20 years, it must be?

• 7:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:43Speaker 02

  19 years?

• 7:44Speaker 03

  Well, we've done the show for 20 years, and Sal joined in the second series, so she would have...

• 7:48Speaker 02

  So you must be, I mean, impervious to this now?

• 7:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, just used to it. This is Sally's first podcast.

• 7:58Speaker 02

  I know. You are joking!

• 7:59Speaker 01

  It is my first podcast.

• 8:01Speaker 02

  Oh my god, yeah, stop, no, no more of that. Sorry about that.

• 8:04Speaker 01

  Sorry about that, I'll get you.

• 8:07Speaker 02

  You'll do it the second time! Oh, what, do you listen to podcasts?

• 8:10Speaker 01

  I do.

• 8:11Speaker 02

  Yeah?

• 8:12Speaker 01

  I do listen to podcasts.

• 8:13Speaker 03

  You are good at keeping, yeah, you will often tell me, "Oh, I listen to this thing and that."

• 8:16Speaker 01

  I do, I like listening to things more than I like watching things.

• 8:18Speaker 02

  I understand.

• 8:19Speaker 01

  So I listen to stuff more than watch...

• 8:20Speaker 02

  You put downstairs, it's gone, aren't they? Look at this.

• 8:22Speaker 01

  I know!

• 8:22Speaker 02

  It's all...

• 8:23Speaker 01

  I know, but I wouldn't watch, I wouldn't watch something, I just... Wouldn't watch a podcast.

• 8:27Speaker 02

  We are devastated that this gets filmed, full-on devastated.

• 8:30Speaker 03

  But you have to now.

• 8:30Speaker 01

  But you have to now.

• 8:31Speaker 02

  Everyone else is, we were the last sort of mainstream podcast to do the filming. We held off. Rosie's sitting there, used to sit here.

• 8:39Speaker 01

  She's getting ready.

• 8:40Speaker 02

  Tan on, an old Shag Mar De Noy onesie.

• 8:43Speaker 01

  We would do it in our pajamas.

• 8:44Speaker 03

  That's great, isn't it? That's the joy.

• 8:46Speaker 01

  That was the joy of it. I left radio because they started recording it. The morning show, the one, like, we couldn't record it, I was like, "I'm done."

• 8:53Speaker 03

  So you, you knew today was filmed?

• 8:56Speaker 01

  I did, did you not?

• 8:57Speaker 03

  Really?

• 8:57Speaker 01

  Oh, shut up.

• 9:02Speaker 02

  Sally, you're not impervious to it!

• 9:04Speaker 01

  I know, I know, and I'm so...

• 9:06Speaker 02

  It's because it comes so thick and fast.

• 9:08Speaker 01

  I believe everything he says.

• 9:11Speaker 03

  She, Sal's beautifully gullible, I mean, she would...

• 9:14Speaker 02

  Really?

• 9:14Speaker 03

  If I'd have, I wish I'd have done the banana to her, oh, she would still be asking them for now, 19 years later.

• 9:19Speaker 02

  "I still can't find these pre-sliced bananas."

• 9:21Speaker 03

  Try little. Keep sending it to different places.

• 9:26Speaker 02

  I can't.

• 9:27Speaker 01

  I'm a bit gullible.

• 9:29Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 9:29Speaker 01

  But I think it's a nice trait. It's just, I like to think the best of the world.

• 9:34Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:35Speaker 01

  And always try, I try to be positive and then when people tell me things, I'm like.

• 9:38Speaker 02

  Pick a side, no. Pick a side, because you think everyone's gonna fucking murder her.

• 9:42Speaker 01

  Well, yes, that is obviously gonna happen sometimes.

• 9:44Speaker 02

  We sit in a taxi, we sit in a cab in London, right? And the cab driver will go like, oh, they used to fly over, shit, I'm gonna have to go through here. And I'll get a text on my phone and it'll be from Rosie and it'll say, he's taking the piss out of us, just trying to rip off.

• 9:57Speaker 01

  Liar.

• 9:58Speaker 02

  It's not shit, he's lying. And I'm like, what? And she loudly tells people, oh, like, she'll loudly go to a cab driver. Oh, yeah, Chris, we work around here, don't we? We don't, but she wants them to think that she knows where she is.

• 10:10Speaker 01

  Because you're taking us around.

• 10:11Speaker 03

  And you think it's just to get the extra fee?

• 10:13Speaker 01

  Yes, definitely. Happened yesterday.

• 10:16Speaker 02

  Did it?

• 10:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:18Speaker 02

  With who?

• 10:19Speaker 01

  With the cab.

• 10:20Speaker 02

  When? I wasn't in that cab.

• 10:21Speaker 03

  Can I just check, is this, is this just annoyed or do you do shag the married as well? He seems, he seems to be complaining a lot about things.

• 10:28Speaker 01

  Married, we used to do the shag part.

• 10:29Speaker 03

  You don't do the shag part? Shag and the married. Now just be called married and annoyed. No, the shag and the married are the rehab. I think the way things are going, it's just gonna be called annoyed, isn't it?

• 10:36Speaker 01

  I'm just annoyed, I'm just annoyed, full stop. Listen, anyway, you're here to talk about Not Going Out.

• 10:43Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 10:44Speaker 01

  It is the 20th anniversary.

• 10:46Speaker 03

  Tonight.

• 10:46Speaker 01

  Congratulations, tonight.

• 10:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, because this is live, isn't it?

• 10:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, this is live, this is.

• 10:50Speaker 03

  This is filmed now, this is going out live, isn't it?

• 10:52Speaker 01

  As is.

• 10:53Speaker 03

  And our podcast work.

• 10:55Speaker 01

  And we watched a little bit of the documentary this morning.

• 10:59Speaker 03

  Yeah. She's not sitting, she's in it.

• 11:01Speaker 01

  Oh, it's really good.

• 11:02Speaker 04

  Is it all right?

• 11:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, it's really, really lovely. It's very sweet. It's, it's really heartfelt.

• 11:07Speaker 02

  Massively interesting because I didn't, I didn't realise, well, after series three.

• 11:11Speaker 03

  You hadn't realised you had a sitcom.

• 11:13Speaker 02

  I didn't realise Lee Mack was in it. It just, it got cancelled after series three and there was a petition.

• 11:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:20Speaker 02

  That never happens, an actual public petition.

• 11:22Speaker 03

  If you're gonna get cancelled, we got cancelled at the perfect time where having a petition was a new thing.

• 11:27Speaker 02

  Really?

• 11:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, but the sort of online world was still a little bit newer 20 years ago, so they had a bit more. Nowadays, there's a petition every week for something.

• 11:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:36Speaker 03

  But at the time, it was, I don't know of any other shows that were sort of like trying to get a show back on. It was the perfect storm of we've been cancelled and the internet is starting to really kick off. I mean, it was pre social media, it wasn't a social media petition, but it was like just some online thing, you know, so it was great.

• 11:52Speaker 01

  Love that though.

• 11:53Speaker 03

  I don't think it was only because of that as well. I think that, you know, I like to think that they just deeply regretted our brilliance.

• 11:58Speaker 01

  Well, do you know what it is though?

• 12:00Speaker 03

  Can I just say that was a joke? You acted like I was very serious about.

• 12:03Speaker 02

  I'm gonna do it with all your jokes now because it's just relentlessly.

• 12:05Speaker 03

  If you don't laugh, then I think, oh my god, that's gonna, that, that, they'll use that as a trailer. No, they brought us back because of our brilliance. Sips coffee, looks into the distance.

• 12:16Speaker 02

  Single, a single tear just rolling down Sally's cheek. I'm just trapped with this guy.

• 12:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 12:23Speaker 01

  No, I love that though, that we listen to the public. Maybe we should do it for ours.

• 12:26Speaker 03

  I don't think they do that anymore.

• 12:27Speaker 01

  We got cancelled after two.

• 12:28Speaker 03

  Two series after.

• 12:29Speaker 01

  Did you? Can we say we got cancelled?

• 12:30Speaker 03

  Your TV show.

• 12:31Speaker 02

  Damn, you got, it didn't come back after two series maybe.

• 12:34Speaker 01

  It didn't get come back.

• 12:35Speaker 02

  Didn't come back.

• 12:36Speaker 01

  Nobody did us a petition, did they?

• 12:37Speaker 03

  Well, you see, you missed the petition peak.

• 12:39Speaker 02

  The window, yeah.

• 12:40Speaker 03

  There probably was a petition, but you probably didn't see it.

• 12:42Speaker 01

  Never saw it.

• 12:43Speaker 02

  It must have been quite sort of flattering though to get like so much, like, I mean, I don't think the word public outcry are misused in this scenario. I think it was public outcry.

• 12:52Speaker 03

  I remember ringing you and saying, saying, we've been cancelled. And I remember you giggling. No, she didn't.

• 13:00Speaker 03

  You, you were shocked, I was shocked. We were like, I think it seems to be doing all right. It's like, it was, it was after the third series and we, the third series, something happened where we thought, oh, people are paying interest in this, you know. I'd be, I'd be recognised for the sitcom in the street, whereas I wasn't for the first couple of series, you know.

• 13:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:17Speaker 03

  But I remember saying to you, I don't know if you remember this, but I remember you saying, I've just got a feeling that that's not it though. That we might, I don't know, I just had this feeling that we, that we might still do something with it, whether take it to a different channel or whatever, you know. But it was probably just to try and be blindly optimistic, I don't know.

• 13:36Speaker 01

  No, you were pretty, you sounded sort of pretty sure. You, you sounded.

• 13:40Speaker 03

  I just didn't want you to be upset.

• 13:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:42Speaker 03

  But I'll be honest.

• 13:43Speaker 02

  Well, you just cussed on the blow.

• 13:46Speaker 02

  That's nice. So it's, again, because obviously we're a married couple and we are a real married couple, but you're.

• 13:50Speaker 03

  We're a pretend married couple.

• 13:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:52Speaker 03

  It's much easier and better, let me tell you.

• 13:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:55Speaker 03

  Because when you're the writer.

• 13:57Speaker 04

  I say everything he wants me to say.

• 13:58Speaker 03

  And as the writer, I can create how good I am in bed with my own imagination. You're, unfortunately Rosie, you're, you're, you know, you have to have the reality on it.

• 14:07Speaker 02

  We are shackled by the constraints of reality.

• 14:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. I can be, I can be anything I want to be. And in the show, I am a fantastic lover. Fantastic.

• 14:23Speaker 01

  It's on the 15th series, is that right? 15 series?

• 14:26Speaker 03

  15, it's been 20 years, but we've not, as we've just said, we were.

• 14:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:30Speaker 03

  Not on for a couple of years and then we've, we've not done, we might have done every, I don't know, sometimes 18 months, so it's stretched into 20 years, you know.

• 14:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:37Speaker 01

  Do you, do you still love it?

• 14:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 14:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 14:41Speaker 03

  Well, I did have to tell it first.

• 14:42Speaker 04

  I don't know. You did a bit of like an intake of breath.

• 14:46Speaker 03

  I wanted to do what you'd say, but I realised you weren't committed to the, yes, I went in.

• 14:50Speaker 04

  I'm just, no.

• 14:51Speaker 03

  I'm trying to help you.

• 14:53Speaker 02

  You're exactly like a married couple, it's great.

• 14:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 14:56Speaker 03

  It was a bit like in the show when you don't.

• 14:58Speaker 01

  We do love it, can you see? We love it.

• 14:59Speaker 02

  Tell the nice people how much you love it.

• 15:03Speaker 03

  I phoned you last night about this.

• 15:07Speaker 03

  Remember about your attitude? You said you'd try and look a bit more positive on this one.

• 15:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, no, we, we do love it. It's, it's, I'm not gonna lie, I do three main shows. I do my quiz show, 1% Club, I do Would I Lie To You? And of which you, of course, have been guests.

• 15:25Speaker 02

  You're a one man ant and deck with a big three.

• 15:28Speaker 03

  And then we do, we do the sitcom and if you compare the easiest one, which is probably Would I Lie To You? To Not Going Out, which is the most tricky of the three in terms of hours involved, it would take about six to eight weeks. If you add up everything, six to eight weeks per ep.

• 15:44Speaker 02

  Good god.

• 15:45Speaker 03

  As opposed to three hours for Would I Lie To You?

• 15:47Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 15:48Speaker 03

  So obviously one is just pure fun and one is a bit of everything, bit of fun, but also harder work and.

• 15:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:54Speaker 03

  I'm under no illusions, people watching this will go, no, it's hard work, is it doing a sitcom? You wanna try working, that minds me.

• 16:00Speaker 01

  No, we watched the documentary and Chris's words were, fuck that.

• 16:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, fuck that.

• 16:04Speaker 03

  We don't wanna watch the rest?

• 16:06Speaker 02

  No, no.

• 16:10Speaker 03

  Fuck that, we'll just pretend we've watched it all.

• 16:13Speaker 02

  Just tell them we've watched it. No, it's so much, so I did a sitcom back in the day called Heaven. And it was a single cam, so it wasn't in front of the studio audience, which I think would be more fun than single cam because obviously you're getting the laughs.

• 16:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 16:24Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, you're getting the laughs, that would keep you going.

• 16:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, but all of the, we're getting, all of the right, all the tests, and then you do that thing, what is it, the, the read through in front of the crowd? And then you do the block through.

• 16:36Speaker 03

  You did the read through in front of the crowd, so you're saying we do that?

• 16:38Speaker 02

  I'm saying you do it.

• 16:38Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 16:39Speaker 01

  I don't think we do that.

• 16:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, well, I've never understood why, particularly if you're from a stand-up background.

• 16:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:44Speaker 03

  Why you wouldn't be drawn, and trust me, that's virtually everybody are not drawn to it, testing it out in front of a live audience because. You, if you, I don't know, if you do Live at the Apollo, nobody would go on Live at the Apollo with brand new material, would they? It would be the collection of all the stuff you've used that's working well, of course. And so I've never understood how people can go on having not tested it. But I also understand that nowadays sitcoms are more about the comedy of awkwardness and the, you know, it's very hard to test out awkwardness, isn't it?

• 17:13Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 17:14Speaker 03

  We read a line, you look out and go, they're feeling awkward.

• 17:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:16Speaker 03

  Right back to the script, you know what I mean? You can't use canned awkwardness, can you? You know, but if you know it works in front of a live audience, you know it's gonna work in front of the studio audience and then you can know it's gonna work on telly. Now, that's not to say everyone's gonna like it by any means, but the people that do like it, you know that joke will work or that moment will work.

• 17:35Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 17:36Speaker 03

  But despite all that, nobody's making them anymore.

• 17:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's like a dying breed, it really is. And obviously Beyond Paradise is single cam.

• 17:44Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 17:44Speaker 02

  Yeah. Do you prefer performing in front of a crowd or just, and cut and go and pick your coffee up and come back in and we'll do it from a different angle?

• 17:52Speaker 04

  I like the, I like when we do the whole, sometimes we do the whole episode as a play. And we start it at the beginning, yeah, in Not Going Out, and we start it at the beginning and we run it to the end.

• 18:05Speaker 01

  Love that.

• 18:05Speaker 04

  And, and I, and that's mad and that's sort of fun. So you're a little bit like at the top of the rollercoaster and you're off. And we quite like that, don't we?

• 18:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's quite, it has an energy to it.

• 18:16Speaker 01

  You can feel that when you're watching it.

• 18:18Speaker 03

  And it builds a bit. I like the audience, like if we do a slight mistake and the, and the audience laugh at the wrong part, I like keeping all those moments in so you're. Like in the, I just burped, did you hear that?

• 18:27Speaker 04

  I did, yeah.

• 18:28Speaker 01

  We did hear that, that's, do you want that out or do you wanna leave it in?

• 18:32Speaker 03

  Keep it in.

• 18:32Speaker 01

  Keep it in, okay.

• 18:34Speaker 03

  Do you mean the burp, don't wanna keep it in or just, it's too late for that?

• 18:37Speaker 01

  We can tell them to take it out.

• 18:38Speaker 03

  Do you want that out or do you want to keep it in? It's already out.

• 18:39Speaker 01

  You can keep it in, I'm not.

• 18:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 18:42Speaker 01

  Oh, Jesus Christ.

• 18:43Speaker 03

  It's funny that we're talking about making mistakes and wanting to keep them in and then immediately I burp, you know. But the, the. If you go to the theatre and there's a slight mistake and they stay a gag and everyone laughs. I better wait for them, you know, I like all that because you're filming a live event.

• 18:58Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 18:59Speaker 03

  And that's what I like about doing the live ones. Having said that, we once not only, because it's like doing a live show, even though it's not going out on telly live. But we did do a live episode as well once. So it was actually live.

• 19:10Speaker 01

  Jesus, like on the TV live, like they're in the.

• 19:13Speaker 03

  Live, I'm not talking about even with like a 20 second delay, live.

• 19:17Speaker 01

  That's stressful. That's really stressful.

• 19:20Speaker 03

  Ask who messed up.

• 19:22Speaker 02

  No, really.

• 19:23Speaker 04

  Well, I did. Well, yes, but you know, I said, one of the lines was, but what if I forget my lines? It will be a complete disaster.

• 19:32Speaker 03

  Because in the show, we were doing, we were doing a show within a show. So we were saying we were performing at the local arts centre.

• 19:37Speaker 02

  Nice.

• 19:38Speaker 03

  So we sort of acknowledged that we were doing a live show. So Sal had to deliver that.

• 19:42Speaker 04

  But disaster's quite hard to say when you're nervous.

• 19:44Speaker 01

  It is.

• 19:45Speaker 04

  So I said, what if I forget my lines? It will be a complete disaster. He's straight on me.

• 19:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:51Speaker 04

  Of course.

• 19:51Speaker 03

  Like a tonne of bricks.

• 19:54Speaker 02

  Burping all over you.

• 19:55Speaker 04

  And then we moved into the kitchen, didn't we? And we were, and he's looking at me and he is boring his eyes into my soul.

• 20:03Speaker 03

  I'm thinking, because I thought the next 30 seconds is fine, because this was, this was, we were only a minute in at this point.

• 20:08Speaker 02

  No.

• 20:08Speaker 03

  We've got 28 minutes left of live television and I'm looking at her and I'm thinking, the next 60 seconds is so vital because if she makes another mistake, she could crumble.

• 20:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:19Speaker 04

  But it was really reassuring to watch.

• 20:20Speaker 03

  Make another mistake.

• 20:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:22Speaker 03

  We shouldn't have absolute daggers at you.

• 20:25Speaker 04

  And I was thinking, I'm barely, I'm barely holding on here. So I was trying not to like look at him, trying to remember, trying to ignore.

• 20:33Speaker 03

  It was terrifying.

• 20:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, and then we. I would not enjoy that. I would.

• 20:36Speaker 03

  I, I did like it and I, I wanted to, when we finished it, everyone was, like everyone from, from the, from the exec producers to the runners were all going, oh, thank God it's over. And I immediately went, right, I've got an idea for the next series. They're all live. Every episode is live. Couldn't get anyone interested.

• 20:54Speaker 02

  Of course not. You're ill. That's disgusting.

• 20:56Speaker 03

  I know, but I like the fact you can mess up and make it part of it.

• 20:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:59Speaker 03

  You know, but.

• 21:00Speaker 02

  God, no.

• 21:02Speaker 04

  I agree.

• 21:03Speaker 02

  So when you say you were on, when, when he was on your straight way, was it just daggers and you kept going or did you like reference it?

• 21:08Speaker 03

  It wasn't daggers like, you'd better not mess this up.

• 21:10Speaker 04

  I just know him. So, you know, he's, he's.

• 21:13Speaker 03

  You know the look.

• 21:13Speaker 04

  Yeah, I know the look. So we're across the island and we're doing the lines, but he's doing the lines like.

• 21:18Speaker 03

  Please don't mess up.

• 21:19Speaker 04

  Don't mess up, don't mess up again.

• 21:20Speaker 03

  I meant don't mess up for your benefit. I don't mean don't mess up for the ones you sacked.

• 21:24Speaker 02

  So Sally seems to think your eyes were saying that. So I'm obsessed with this. So the rehearsal time for that compared to the rehearsal time for a normal one, what was the difference?

• 21:37Speaker 03

  An extra week.

• 21:38Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 21:38Speaker 03

  One more extra week. And I think, I can't remember where it was in the run. I think it was, I think, it's not like we, if it was the first one, you, we could have had six months learning the lines. But if it's not the first one, your mind gets full of the other episodes you're then doing. I've got a feeling it wasn't the first one.

• 21:55Speaker 04

  The whole show was full of like high stake stuff, wasn't it?

• 21:58Speaker 03

  Well, I've just burped again, Rosie.

• 22:00Speaker 01

  What's it, it's only, what time is it? What have you had to eat?

• 22:03Speaker 03

  I've nothing to eat. Yeah.

• 22:04Speaker 01

  Oh, is that what it is?

• 22:05Speaker 03

  Sometimes you do podcasts and you're presented with food.

• 22:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:08Speaker 03

  Like the pre sliced banana, but on this show, all it's good.

• 22:10Speaker 01

  I have a packet of brioche with four left in, if you would like one.

• 22:15Speaker 03

  Whilst we're doing this.

• 22:17Speaker 02

  Be worse than that. I think listen to all my.

• 22:20Speaker 03

  I don't want to be too snobby and middle class, but the, the phrase that got me there was packet.

• 22:27Speaker 03

  Got a packet of them. So that's not, I'm not getting a whiff of fresh bakery from that.

• 22:32Speaker 01

  They are pretty hard to eat.

• 22:34Speaker 02

  They were brought from home two days ago.

• 22:37Speaker 03

  I'm picturing a lot of sound problems opening the plastic.

• 22:40Speaker 01

  See, we're still after. We've only got.

• 22:41Speaker 03

  But thank you. I don't want to sound.

• 22:42Speaker 01

  You're welcome to take.

• 22:43Speaker 03

  Well, thank you. I might. I'll take one home with me.

• 22:45Speaker 01

  Oh, we can get you croissant.

• 22:46Speaker 02

  I reckon, I reckon knock on O series one, Lee Mack would have inhaled a brioche, but I just changed him like.

• 22:52Speaker 03

  I've got to watch, now I've got my C N L warts, I've got to watch what I'm eating.

• 22:56Speaker 02

  Lot of butter in a brioche.

• 22:56Speaker 03

  Please keep the first bit in by the way. I don't, I don't want that just to be left.

• 23:01Speaker 02

  No reference to C N L warts.

• 23:03Speaker 03

  And how does brioche affect it?

• 23:05Speaker 01

  We just, we turned 40 this year.

• 23:07Speaker 03

  Did you?

• 23:07Speaker 01

  Chris and I.

• 23:08Speaker 03

  You both look great. You both, you both look a lot younger than 40. Have you had really easy lives?

• 23:12Speaker 01

  No.

• 23:13Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 23:14Speaker 03

  I don't know because you look fresh face.

• 23:15Speaker 02

  That's nice though. People are saying that a lot recently.

• 23:17Speaker 01

  Are we happy?

• 23:19Speaker 03

  You think that's what it is?

• 23:21Speaker 01

  I think so. I think if you're stressed and down, you look like shit.

• 23:24Speaker 03

  Well, I'm 21.

• 23:27Speaker 03

  That's all you need to know, isn't it? Sal's 14. That's what happens if you work with me.

• 23:35Speaker 02

  So you've had so many guest stars as well. Obviously Chris McCausland, mate of ours. You've had loads over the years. Who's been your favourite, who's been your favourite source?

• 23:43Speaker 03

  I can, I can. Well, do we, we, we loved Bobby.

• 23:46Speaker 02

  Of course.

• 23:47Speaker 03

  But he's not only a guest, he was a regular.

• 23:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 23:49Speaker 03

  You mean as a one off guest. Ooh, that's, it's hard to pick a favourite. I want to say hard, of course we've got one, but we're not going to say. I'll tell you the least favourite. No, I'm not.

• 23:59Speaker 02

  So excited.

• 24:01Speaker 03

  Well, this, this year for the new series.

• 24:02Speaker 02

  Oh, yes, please.

• 24:04Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 24:05Speaker 03

  So we had an episode, we have an episode called Superfan where I'm in a restaurant and somebody that I know that's famous comes in and I harass them because I want a selfie and I want to talk to them and all that. And we wanted to use a real person. We thought we don't want to just a fictional famous person. We want an actual famous person.

• 24:24Speaker 01

  Like an actual famous person.

• 24:25Speaker 03

  So I thought, who do I want? I thought I'll get someone from my childhood. And I thought, who did I watch as a kid? And probably the biggest show for me to make me want to be a comedian was The Young Ones.

• 24:34Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 24:34Speaker 03

  So we got Nigel Plainer in, played himself, which was a real thrill. I'm going, I'm in an episode with somebody that was in The Young Ones.

• 24:42Speaker 02

  That's amazing.

• 24:43Speaker 03

  And I said, the first thing I said to him, we sat down, literally I just said hello and I went, how long do I have to leave it, the rehearsal thing, before I can ask you about The Young Ones?

• 24:51Speaker 02

  And how long did he say?

• 24:53Speaker 03

  Well, he was very good at promoting himself because he just went, well, you don't have to ask me anything. It's all in the book if you want to get the book.

• 25:00Speaker 03

  Which was a good answer. But yeah, no, he's, he was brilliant, Nigel. So that was, that was a thrill. And also quite intimidating because I have to, you know, it is my thing. So I do have to say, I think you're brilliant. You're, oh my God, you're one of my comedy heroes. It's great. Don't think you're delivering that line how I want it. As someone, you have to have that conversation, don't you? And it's hard.

• 25:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:21Speaker 03

  I did one on Bobby, didn't I? So Bobby Ball was, you know, he played my dad for years.

• 25:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 25:25Speaker 03

  And we did what we thought was going to be the final ever episode.

• 25:28Speaker 02

  The wedding.

• 25:29Speaker 03

  The wedding. And at that point, the way it was commissioned and all that, that could have been it, right? So we said, let's go out with a bang. Let's get married and blah, blah, blah. And so we broke the rule of breaking the fourth wall slightly. And I said to Bobby, I want you in the wedding. I'm going to turn around to you and go, how are you keeping those trousers up? And he got, because it was, the story was they were too big for him. How are you keeping those trousers up? And I want you to get the red braces out. And are you too, too young to remember?

• 25:53Speaker 02

  No, I know exactly what you mean. Yeah, the Bobby Ball.

• 25:55Speaker 03

  No, no, Bobby's, Bobby Ball's act. I know you know what braces are.

• 26:02Speaker 03

  But I've realised, I'm, I'm late 50s now, so you.

• 26:04Speaker 01

  No, Bobby Ball, was he part of the?

• 26:06Speaker 02

  Cannon and Ball.

• 26:06Speaker 01

  Cannon and Ball.

• 26:07Speaker 03

  Cannon and Ball, yeah, yeah. Well, he had red braces. It was part of his, like a catchphrase, you say, rock on Tommy and get the red braces and stretch them out.

• 26:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:15Speaker 03

  And it was, he, he, he always, he was known for it.

• 26:18Speaker 02

  Iconic.

• 26:18Speaker 03

  So I said, I want you to say, I want, I'm going to say to you, how are you keeping the trousers up? And I want you to go, do the, do the look and give it the red braces.

• 26:26Speaker 01

  Nice nod.

• 26:26Speaker 03

  A nod to the real Bobby Ball and we, and we won't say anything about it.

• 26:31Speaker 01

  He did it at the.

• 26:32Speaker 03

  So he did it. And I had to, I'm known for being a bit of a control freak on the show. And I said, I had to have the awkward conversation going, I don't think you're doing that correctly. It's not how I remember you used to do them.

• 26:45Speaker 02

  No way.

• 26:46Speaker 03

  Don't even mind he's still doing it because he still tours live with Tommy. And he went, you what? And I went, I'm just saying, I don't, I don't think. He turned to everybody. We had a congregation of supporting artists playing the, the wedding part, you know, in the church. He went, I've been pinging these braces for 50 years and this fucker's just told me I'm doing it wrong.

• 27:11Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 27:12Speaker 03

  And of course, as you can imagine, I was right.

• 27:15Speaker 02

  Oh, no.

• 27:16Speaker 03

  And he did it slightly differently. Just proving that however awkward it is, just always listen to me.

• 27:21Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 27:22Speaker 03

  That's the, that was my interpretation of what then happened, but he probably. I had to say, I don't remember you doing it like that back in the eighties. It's literally, he's been doing it for 50 years. Fucking hell.

• 27:33Speaker 01

  You could have just said it's different on telly. Like you've got to do a different angle or something, you know what I mean? To get it more in there.

• 27:39Speaker 03

  Maybe. I don't, I don't do all that diplomacy stuff.

• 27:43Speaker 01

  You're just an outright dick.

• 27:44Speaker 03

  Sounds very good. You'll get like, we're like, yeah, yeah.

• 27:48Speaker 01

  Don't get, I don't want to do a part on Not Going Out.

• 27:51Speaker 03

  Sally will always say to me, and she's very good at this, because Sally's from an acting background. So sometimes the actors are quite, you know, I'll say, can you, can you stand over there for this bit? And they'll go, why? I go, oh, because the cameras. No, no, no, I don't mean why. I mean, why would the character do it?

• 28:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:07Speaker 03

  And I always go, well, because we just sort of need you over there. No, no, but why would the character do it? Does it matter? You're not even in shot. You're, it's on me and I need you to join the shot. So they can't see the journey of why you've stood up. Just appear. But Sal always goes, you know, do you like, I remember you once said to me about one of, one of the actors, do you like what they're doing? I said, yeah, they're brilliant. Well, then just go along with it. That's how they get there. That's how they get there by doing all that.

• 28:31Speaker 01

  Method, isn't it? You've got your in it from like the beginning of the day.

• 28:34Speaker 03

  And I've learnt to play that.

• 28:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:37Speaker 03

  Play that game now. I'm going to say game. I mean bullshit. I, I've learnt to do it the proper way. And I'll say, I think she wants to have a look at the orange in the fruit bowl because she sees the orange as a representative. Oh, and I like that. Yeah, we'll do that, you know.

• 28:50Speaker 02

  I don't like.

• 28:51Speaker 01

  So disrespectful.

• 28:52Speaker 02

  So, yeah, but you know what it is? This is a comedian thing. Because I was the same when I did the sitcom Heaven and another, when, it was when someone would go, I think my character would react here. I'd go, you want a fucking extra line, do you? Is that what you're saying? What you're saying is you want to say more in this bit. That's fine because I don't give a fuck. Apparently also it's very bad manners to tell an actor their line.

• 29:17Speaker 01

  Oh, how to do it. Give a line reading.

• 29:19Speaker 02

  No, to give it, if they, if they forget the line, to go, this is your line by the way.

• 29:22Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 29:23Speaker 01

  I've got loads of shit for that.

• 29:24Speaker 02

  I knew everyone's line. So I was, I'm all, I mean, Lee, I'm also ill. Can you remember the first, just as a side note, can you remember the first time we met?

• 29:36Speaker 03

  Do you know, until you said that, I didn't know we'd even met before.

• 29:41Speaker 03

  Before, when I came in and you said...

• 29:43Speaker 02

  The banana thing.

• 29:44Speaker 03

  No, you supported me.

• 29:46Speaker 02

  Cambridge Junction.

• 29:47Speaker 03

  Back in the day, I mean nowadays, I'd probably be supporting you. But back in the day, you were support, you supported me on some gigs. Is that, that's not the first time we met, was it?

• 29:54Speaker 02

  I think it was, yeah, Cambridge Junction.

• 29:55Speaker 03

  Didn't I do Never Mind the Buzzcocks with you years ago? Am I imagining that? Did you do it with Professor Green?

• 30:00Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 30:00Speaker 03

  And I was the guest host.

• 30:02Speaker 02

  Oh, yes, you were. Wow.

• 30:04Speaker 03

  Was that maybe the first time we met, or maybe we met before?

• 30:06Speaker 02

  Possibly. No, Cambridge Junction, but basically, we were back, you got there a little bit late and I was already waiting there. And you were ironing your shirt and you were trying to talk to us while ironing your shirt. And you couldn't do both things at once. And I went, can I have the iron? And I went, I'll iron your shirt. And you went, oh my God, no, you can't iron my shirt. I went, I'd rather iron your shirt and listen to you than watch you try and do both of these things at once.

• 30:26Speaker 03

  And you ironed my shirt?

• 30:27Speaker 02

  I ironed your shirt for you and you stood and told us whatever story you were telling us. And I literally ironed your shirt for you and gave you your shirt.

• 30:31Speaker 03

  Oh, I don't remember that, but thank you. That's very good. Because it's so, it's very me.

• 30:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:36Speaker 03

  I can't multitask.

• 30:37Speaker 02

  Right.

• 30:37Speaker 03

  So I, I'll go, which ones do you want? I, I recently, because I love snooker, right? And when we were doing the sort of promotion for this, they told us about the ones, you know, the best ones to do, including this one. But I said, look, there's one, I've no idea what effect it would have, but can I do Stephen Hendry's Q-tips? Which is, which I could go on and he could teach me how to be a better pool or snooker player. And that's why I'll do it. I mean, I've no idea how many people watch it.

• 31:02Speaker 01

  Three listeners.

• 31:03Speaker 03

  It might be millions, who knows? But in our world, it's not a normal thing to do. So I go on, I beat him at pool, whatever, it's not about that. But I did, have a look.

• 31:10Speaker 02

  No.

• 31:12Speaker 03

  But whatever. And, but I was like, I was, I wanted to play Stephen Hendry. We've played pool and snooker. I was never going to beat him at snooker, but I knew I had a bit of a chance. And he's small, I beat him at pool, because it's not his game, right? And I'm taking the shot. And of course, it's a bit of a light entertainment show. So, Lee, I believe you've been doing Knocking Out for 20 years. Yeah, yeah, I've been, yeah.

• 31:34Speaker 03

  And what's it like writing? And I had to say, look, look, I can't multitask. You can either have the shot or you can have the chat. So can I just take the shot and then we'll chat? I'll take the shot.

• 31:45Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 31:46Speaker 03

  Silent podcast. That's not what we're here for, Lee. We're not, no one's interested in whether you could beat me at pool, but that's all I care about. I would rather have not spoke to him at all. Just played the game. We did it on darts. Me and Tim Vine did Comet Relief darts and we are obsessed with darts. We were quite competitive with each other. But because it's Comet Relief does darts, we had the little mic. Because they thought, oh, these guys will be funny. They'll be throwing the darts and having some banter. Nothing.

• 32:13Speaker 03

  Literally nothing. It's like, come on, mate. No, I'm not interested in the comedy now. It's about the dart.

• 32:23Speaker 02

  Basically, what I'm saying is...

• 32:24Speaker 03

  You ironed my shirt.

• 32:25Speaker 02

  So I'm, I'm a little bit ill, like yourself, you know, we're comedians, our brains work in certain ways. And I would go on to the set and I would have the, what are they called? The little sides, slides? What they're called when it's got the script, it's just a little...

• 32:38Speaker 03

  Sides?

• 32:38Speaker 02

  I'd have my little thing of sides and would do a block through. And I'll be reading it off this thing and the director would go, first couple of days, the director was like, he doesn't know, he not learnt these? If you're not, and I would go, I'll be all right. And I would read it off the thing and then we'd go out and then get all the cameras in. By the time my cameras were in, I knew all of mine and all of everyone else's lines.

• 32:57Speaker 01

  So you're photographic?

• 32:58Speaker 03

  I knew you'd written it.

• 32:58Speaker 02

  With, no, no, I didn't write it. Jason Cook, our mutual friend, Jason Cook wrote it.

• 33:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:03Speaker 02

  And I just think, and I went, okay.

• 33:06Speaker 02

  And the fucking hated us for it, right? And I'll come out and we'll be talking and I'll forget the line and I'll go, and I'll go, oh, it's da, da, da. And the looks I was getting. And someone said, you know what it's like, just let them like...

• 33:17Speaker 01

  It's rude.

• 33:18Speaker 02

  It's rude.

• 33:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, but that's because in the profession...

• 33:20Speaker 02

  I fucking know it.

• 33:21Speaker 03

  Because what they're saying is, in our profession, it's very rude to do that. But you could say, yeah, but in my profession, it's very rude for you to tell me I'm being rude for telling you.

• 33:30Speaker 03

  So what can I do? We're all stuck with our profession, aren't we?

• 33:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 33:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 33:34Speaker 02

  Unbelievable.

• 33:34Speaker 01

  No, you were, you were a different person then.

• 33:36Speaker 02

  I was.

• 33:36Speaker 01

  You were quite arrogant.

• 33:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, you, you learned to play the game a little bit more. I mean, I'm, I'm, I know I'm not, Sally's a much better actor than me, I know that. But I'm still having a go, right? Couldn't say that about any other art form, could you?

• 33:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:46Speaker 03

  I had a go at the ballet last night.

• 33:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:49Speaker 03

  I had a go, it wasn't great, but I had a go, it was all right. You know what I mean? People go, no, you weren't, you couldn't have had a go. I didn't, I had a go at the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra. I'd never played the violin, but I gave it a bath. But acted, I mean, anyone can have a go. You might not be great, but you still have a decent stab at it, do you know what I mean?

• 34:05Speaker 02

  You've worked for them for 19 years, what the actual fuck?

• 34:07Speaker 01

  Well, listen, no, listen, we've got, you've got a story, I think. Who's got the story? Sally, you've got it?

• 34:11Speaker 04

  I've got the story.

• 34:12Speaker 01

  You've got the story. Let's hear your best acting.

• 34:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, oh, hello.

• 34:16Speaker 01

  All right.

• 34:17Speaker 03

  This is the, the dilemma.

• 34:19Speaker 01

  I'm not sure, we don't...

• 34:20Speaker 03

  There's an arm missing off your glasses.

• 34:22Speaker 04

  I know, it got, it got...

• 34:23Speaker 01

  Oh, no. Oh, no. You do not, Lee, you don't pay them enough.

• 34:29Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 34:29Speaker 02

  This is tragic.

• 34:31Speaker 03

  One arm missing. It's like getting the cast of Last of the Summer Wine on it, it's just things missing.

• 34:36Speaker 01

  Why do you hold it like an old school, like a mangle? Oh, lovely.

• 34:40Speaker 04

  I know, and I'm glad they told me this time as well.

• 34:42Speaker 03

  I just want to clarify one more time, you definitely knew this was filmed.

• 34:47Speaker 04

  Right.

• 34:49Speaker 03

  Oh, my God. Wow.

• 34:53Speaker 03

  Apologies, anyone listening to just the audio, you have to go on YouTube and check what's going on here.

• 34:58Speaker 01

  That is hilarious.

• 34:59Speaker 03

  The arm's missing. Off the glasses, I mean. She hasn't forgot her arm.

• 35:03Speaker 04

  Okay, so I just read it?

• 35:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, we don't know what it is. It's from our listeners. They send us in some...

• 35:09Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 35:09Speaker 01

  Wacky and wonderful things.

• 35:11Speaker 04

  All right. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Please keep me anonymous. On the 30th of September a few years ago, I was at work in the city centre. And after work, I was due to meet my family for a meal to celebrate my mum's birthday. I realised I'd forgotten to pick up my mum's present when running out of the house that morning. And I wouldn't have time to go home and then get back to the city in time for the meal. No problem though, I asked my brother to call at my place and grab it as he only lived a couple of streets away and had a spare key. The evening went well, mum loved her present, but my brother kept giving me and my husband funny looks. When I asked if everything was okay, he just said sure and changed the subject.

• 35:54Speaker 04

  At 11 o'clock, my husband and I made our excuses and headed home. When we arrived, I noticed something on the table that my brother must have seen when he collected the gift earlier. Explaining why he had been giving me funny looks.

• 36:09Speaker 01

  I can't take you to...

• 36:12Speaker 03

  Is there anything else?

• 36:13Speaker 04

  Well, there is, but it's another page. So I thought we might like to think about that.

• 36:16Speaker 03

  Oh, before we move to the next page? So we're going to work out what it is?

• 36:20Speaker 01

  This is a fun part of it.

• 36:21Speaker 03

  Oh, I see. So, so there was something in that house, wasn't there?

• 36:24Speaker 02

  This, this could be a, this could be a not going out sketch. This could be a, I went to pick up the thing and what was on your table? What was on the table? Do you want to talk about it? What was on the table? Do you want to talk about it?

• 36:33Speaker 03

  What's on the table? What was in that house?

• 36:35Speaker 02

  I mean, I'm straight away going to sex talk. There we go.

• 36:38Speaker 03

  You're going sex toy?

• 36:39Speaker 02

  We know we're listeners, we know...

• 36:41Speaker 03

  Oh, okay.

• 36:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:42Speaker 03

  Maybe the coff, maybe the coffee table is the sex toy. I think you know what I'm saying.

• 36:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:47Speaker 03

  You know what I mean? Matt, is there any information about what the coffee table was made from?

• 36:52Speaker 01

  It's glass.

• 36:53Speaker 03

  I think you know what I'm saying, don't you?

• 36:54Speaker 02

  Yes, I know exactly what you're saying.

• 36:55Speaker 01

  Mirrored glass.

• 36:56Speaker 03

  You're thinking, no, mirrored glass wouldn't work, would it?

• 36:58Speaker 02

  I did...

• 36:59Speaker 03

  Let me just picture that.

• 36:59Speaker 01

  Depends who you want to...

• 37:00Speaker 03

  Oh, no, mirrored. As long as the mirror's on the top, not the bottom, that would work.

• 37:03Speaker 01

  So then they're both enjoying themselves.

• 37:04Speaker 02

  I did Never Mind the Buzzcocks Christmas special with Greg Davies, hosted now on Sky.

• 37:08Speaker 03

  Oh, you remember that one, do you? Cheers.

• 37:13Speaker 01

  Oh, don't, Lee, because you'll be upset about that all day.

• 37:15Speaker 02

  I'll text you about this later. I said, Dawn, I'll be like, oh, don't you talk, good blimey.

• 37:18Speaker 03

  Good day for me, that. I remember thinking we bonded.

• 37:22Speaker 02

  Very one-sided, very one-sided bonding. And there's a story of an old pop star who used to do that for money.

• 37:30Speaker 03

  The coffee table?

• 37:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, the coffee table.

• 37:31Speaker 03

  For money?

• 37:31Speaker 04

  For money?

• 37:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, the, the, the, the poo man on top of a coffee table.

• 37:35Speaker 01

  What, does it pay them?

• 37:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, just to be clear, the person that's getting paid there, are they the, the pooer or the pooey?

• 37:40Speaker 02

  The pooer. Heard the story years ago and I went to see it and someone said, I think it was Greg or someone, it went, every Christmas special, we try and tell that story. And every year, we have to take it out. It was a famous person who sung a Christmas song, who said, they'd done it in the past and got paid for it.

• 37:55Speaker 03

  Pay, that's the bit that's getting to me. I would say, I mean, I, I remember once doing a gig in Hong Kong and they had these alien heads, right? And I bought some off the market and I was with Ed Byrne, the comedian Ed Byrne.

• 38:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 38:07Speaker 03

  I said, I love those alien heads. And I suddenly got chatting and I was like, they're so good. I reckon I could go back, make a cast of these and sell them at boot sales. And Ed went, is the comedy not working out for you? But I'd say that, what you've just told us, has taken that to a new level.

• 38:21Speaker 01

  Well, it's like old, it's like old school OnlyFans though, isn't it?

• 38:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:24Speaker 01

  For shitless...

• 38:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:26Speaker 01

  Yeah. So what do you think it is?

• 38:28Speaker 02

  What do you think it is, Lee?

• 38:30Speaker 03

  Well, now you've got me thinking, it must be some sort of sex toy, yeah.

• 38:34Speaker 03

  I'd rather something more dista, my brain immediately goes to something like Dead Cat, that they haven't bothered clearing up.

• 38:39Speaker 02

  Yeah. Or something like, like a, you know...

• 38:42Speaker 01

  An ear.

• 38:44Speaker 02

  Sorry?

• 38:44Speaker 01

  An ear.

• 38:45Speaker 02

  An ear. An obituary for the brother who isn't dead yet.

• 38:50Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 38:51Speaker 02

  He's went to pick the thing up and there's a, you know, is it, you know, or they've, you know, they've mocked up a headstone for him or something like that, maybe.

• 38:57Speaker 03

  That would be dark.

• 38:58Speaker 02

  I don't know.

• 38:58Speaker 01

  And he's not dead.

• 38:59Speaker 04

  Would you send that story into a podcast, do you think?

• 39:01Speaker 02

  If we're going to keep you anonymous, you would.

• 39:03Speaker 03

  Come on, time to know. What is it?

• 39:07Speaker 04

  Well, my husband and I have a relationship where he is dominant.

• 39:12Speaker 03

  You're all right.

• 39:12Speaker 04

  And I'm submissive. We love it and it works for us. My husband and I had decided that I was going to take part in Locktober with him holding the key. He had left a chastity cage, cage.

• 39:26Speaker 02

  Cage?

• 39:27Speaker 01

  Cage.

• 39:28Speaker 04

  Cage.

• 39:28Speaker 02

  Cage.

• 39:29Speaker 03

  Well, you get in the cage.

• 39:30Speaker 02

  You put the cage on.

• 39:31Speaker 01

  It's Locktober.

• 39:32Speaker 03

  The cage goes around your nether regions or you, you, you get in the cage.

• 39:36Speaker 01

  Or maybe it's just caged vagina.

• 39:40Speaker 03

  I should point out, at no point in this thing have we heard whether it's two men, it said husband.

• 39:44Speaker 01

  It could well be.

• 39:45Speaker 03

  But the man, could be a man telling about his husband.

• 39:47Speaker 01

  It could well be.

• 39:48Speaker 03

  Or it could be a woman talking about her husband.

• 39:49Speaker 02

  Caged vagina is actually Rosie's new band name. Album out next month.

• 39:56Speaker 01

  Let my pussy scream.

• 40:01Speaker 03

  So, it's so different to do a part in some of this.

• 40:04Speaker 02

  There's similarities.

• 40:06Speaker 01

  We're trying our hardest to be...

• 40:07Speaker 04

  All right. He had left a chastity cage on the table when he had left for work to remind me that he would be putting it on me at the stroke of midnight. Ready for a month without release.

• 40:19Speaker 02

  If it's on the table, it must go around the nether regions.

• 40:22Speaker 03

  Right, so let's first of all...

• 40:23Speaker 02

  Someone Google chastity cage.

• 40:24Speaker 03

  Ed, go on, what's the rest of the...

• 40:25Speaker 04

  Well, now I understand my brother's strange looks. I've never mentioned it.

• 40:28Speaker 03

  Oh, you mean you're still doing the thing or you're just chatting down there?

• 40:33Speaker 04

  I've never mentioned it and neither has he. I've never told my husband what my... My brother saw either. Do you think I should confess to my husband or let sleeping dogs lie?

• 40:41Speaker 01

  Let's just, no, never mention it again.

• 40:43Speaker 03

  Wow. Well, let's, before we even move on to whether we should tell, what is a chastity cage?

• 40:48Speaker 01

  It's like a chastity belt, like an old fashioned cage.

• 40:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, but you say like a chastity belt, like we've all got them in our, I know what a chastity belt is, but I've always been slightly fascinated by them as well. We need to know to try and picture it. Are we talking about a man or a woman?

• 40:59Speaker 04

  But this says, waiting for a month without release.

• 41:03Speaker 03

  But what, how, how are you strapped, let's say it's.

• 41:05Speaker 02

  How do you put claws on on top of that?

• 41:07Speaker 01

  A month?

• 41:08Speaker 02

  A month.

• 41:08Speaker 03

  But if it's a round, I'm picturing, right, that it must go on like a, some sort of, if it's a cage, oh, hang on, you're being handed a.

• 41:15Speaker 01

  Oh, oh, we've got a picture of it.

• 41:17Speaker 03

  No, let's see it, please.

• 41:18Speaker 01

  Oh, is it, is it a penis? It's a man.

• 41:19Speaker 02

  They're fellas, they're both fellas and it's a.

• 41:21Speaker 03

  How do you know they're both fellas? Cause a chastity cage is a, that's, that's two fellas.

• 41:27Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 41:28Speaker 02

  You know what? I'm really into my gardening at the moment. That'd be a lovely cage for some marrow.

• 41:34Speaker 03

  You know what I mean?

• 41:34Speaker 01

  We love our cages.

• 41:35Speaker 03

  If you wanted your marrows to grow in a certain shape, right, so that's going on.

• 41:40Speaker 04

  Oh, and there's the.

• 41:40Speaker 03

  And then there's the belt. So that's going tight, let's, I'll say it, that's going tightly around the shaft.

• 41:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 41:46Speaker 03

  So that's going tightly around the shaft. Are the testicles sort of being pushed through, do you think? Or are they on the?

• 41:52Speaker 02

  I mean, I hope they're not going on holiday.

• 41:54Speaker 03

  Through the metal scanner?

• 41:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, you've got no chance.

• 41:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 41:57Speaker 02

  That's awful.

• 41:58Speaker 01

  So that's a month without any sexual activity?

• 42:02Speaker 02

  Not, not yourself, not someone else, nothing.

• 42:04Speaker 03

  Because also that, it's metal, but it's metal, I don't know if you're going to be showing this picture, but should I describe it in case you don't?

• 42:09Speaker 02

  Definitely.

• 42:11Speaker 03

  For the audio book. It's the shape of a cage, but in the shape of a flaccid penis.

• 42:15Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 42:16Speaker 03

  So if you were to get aroused, you could call yourself an injury.

• 42:19Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 42:19Speaker 03

  Or it would look like, or it would look like a ball man trying to escape from prison.

• 42:25Speaker 03

  Sally, are you enjoying your first podcast?

• 42:27Speaker 01

  So sorry, Sally.

• 42:31Speaker 03

  He's a highly successful actor. So, so that goes on. Now, I'm assuming that if it stays on for a month, when you go to the loo, you have to sort of wee through the cage.

• 42:40Speaker 02

  I imagine that's why it's a cage.

• 42:41Speaker 03

  Wee through the cage.

• 42:42Speaker 02

  Cage rather than a, a solid closed device, otherwise.

• 42:45Speaker 03

  Right. So it is two fellas.

• 42:47Speaker 02

  Definitely two fellas.

• 42:48Speaker 03

  Two fellas. You never know. You know, it might be a woman with. We've all let ourselves go, haven't we?

• 42:54Speaker 02

  You know.

• 42:59Speaker 01

  Oh, thank you.

• 43:00Speaker 03

  So they've seen, and the thing about that device is it's so specific in its shape.

• 43:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:05Speaker 03

  What you can't say is, oh no, I keep the gerbil in that.

• 43:07Speaker 02

  You're very good point. Yeah. It's not a budgie cage, is it?

• 43:10Speaker 01

  Do you know what? If it had been a female chastity belt, you could have got away with that.

• 43:13Speaker 03

  Wow, do you know what a female chastity belt looked like? Is it what I'm imagining, which is something that goes around the waist and then goes underneath?

• 43:20Speaker 02

  Yeah. It could be a hanging basket.

• 43:21Speaker 01

  No, that's definitely.

• 43:22Speaker 03

  Have any of you seen a female chastity belt in, in films? Usually carry on films. So I'm imagining that's just been made as a prop and they're not really like that. Cause when I saw one on a carry on, I think it was a carry on film. I remember thinking, yeah, but you could still get in through the side. That's what I thought, if I'm going to be honest. Cause I thought it was quite narrow at the bottom. You could, you could still, do you know what I mean?

• 43:46Speaker 01

  I don't, I don't understand the kink with that. I'm going to have to make some phone calls.

• 43:50Speaker 03

  Understand the what?

• 43:51Speaker 01

  The kink.

• 43:52Speaker 03

  The, what? Oh, I mean, the pleasure?

• 43:54Speaker 01

  Well, yeah.

• 43:54Speaker 03

  Oh, well, you've opened a can of worms there, haven't you? I mean, that, I, I spend my life saying things like that. I just go, why? I just, every time I hear about anything like this, I just assume I'm the most boring human being who's ever lived.

• 44:04Speaker 02

  So do we.

• 44:05Speaker 03

  What's wrong with once a year at Christmas and keep it simple?

• 44:11Speaker 03

  I just don't understand. The, the one I've learned not to do anymore is the amount of times I've had a conversation in the past, or I've been in a social situation where I've said, it's usually in the news that some, that someone's, something's been released, a tape, a sex tape or something. And I've always gone, who's filming themselves? Who's doing that? Because to me, if you film yourselves, the only people that are going to watch it, unless it's been deliberately released, as some of these people have done. But if it's just like the Pamela Anderson one, which was stolen or whatever. Who is watching that? It can only be you.

• 44:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:46Speaker 03

  Are you getting aroused by yourself?

• 44:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:48Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 44:49Speaker 01

  It's narcissism.

• 44:49Speaker 03

  Is that how it works? There's so much narcissism. I don't even like an accidental reflection in the mirror.

• 44:55Speaker 03

  Puts me right off.

• 44:56Speaker 01

  We're at full light out at this stage of life.

• 44:59Speaker 03

  Completely. Who's going, who's going, do you want to watch, what are we watching tonight? Toy Story 3? Oh no, what about that sex tape we made? Oh yeah, let's watch that. It's such an unusual thing to want to do.

• 45:09Speaker 02

  I love that the other option was Toy Story 3.

• 45:13Speaker 03

  I think I went sex toy in my head. I think that's where I was going. That would be great on Toy Story, wouldn't it? If they used a sex toy as one of the animated animals, animated things.

• 45:21Speaker 02

  Number six would be great, wouldn't it?

• 45:22Speaker 03

  You know, Woody, Woody, which is an ironic name, given what we're talking about.

• 45:28Speaker 01

  Listen.

• 45:29Speaker 03

  To infinity and beyond, wouldn't it? And then the choreo here, this. The little eyebrows shaking on the, on the face of it. But when I've told that story in the past, I've always felt in, in social situations, there's a slight uncomfortable silence of people going, oh, no, no, no, no, we do that.

• 45:45Speaker 02

  You really do?

• 45:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. We, oh yeah. I've always felt that, or you get that person who'll go, yeah, but you know, each to their own.

• 45:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:53Speaker 03

  Oh, I see. So maybe this is.

• 45:56Speaker 01

  They're sitting there with one of them on.

• 45:57Speaker 03

  Guarantee there'll be people listening to this going, what's wrong with that?

• 45:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 46:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, we do that every week.

• 46:01Speaker 02

  Yeah. And again, as we always say, people say, don't kink shame. I, I reserve the right to shame you.

• 46:07Speaker 03

  You will kink shame.

• 46:08Speaker 02

  I reserve the right to do it.

• 46:09Speaker 01

  Each to their own.

• 46:10Speaker 02

  Oh, great. Yeah.

• 46:11Speaker 03

  Each to their own. Oh, that's awkward. Cause that's, that's it. You're saying you don't film yourself having sex, but you do.

• 46:16Speaker 01

  Maybe I do.

• 46:17Speaker 03

  So how does that work?

• 46:17Speaker 02

  Films just her, cuts me out.

• 46:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. That's not the version I was thinking of.

• 46:24Speaker 01

  Putting a modi over his face. Um, we've got to go.

• 46:26Speaker 02

  It's been a pleasure.

• 46:28Speaker 03

  I've got you excited now. You need to go somewhere.

• 46:30Speaker 02

  We're going to loosen this chastity belt.

• 46:33Speaker 03

  We're going to go. We need to use these cameras for something else.

• 46:36Speaker 01

  Yes, after this, Chris and I are doing, actually doing our first episode of Sex.

• 46:39Speaker 03

  Is actually really good for keeping your banana still while you're sewing through it. That's good. Yeah. Through the rectum, so yeah. That would be a hard.

• 46:47Speaker 01

  We have to keep the banana fit in. You mentioned 16, 17.

• 46:51Speaker 03

  Call back 15, 19.

• 46:52Speaker 01

  We've got to go. Thank you so much.

• 46:54Speaker 03

  Thank you so, so much.

• 46:55Speaker 01

  Best of luck with the new series.

• 46:56Speaker 03

  Thank you guys. And long may it continue. Cheers.

• 46:58Speaker 01

  Yay.

• 47:07Speaker 00

  When fall comes back around, there's a sense of a reset. And new pieces from Lululemon's fall drop are an inspiration to push your goals and elevate your routines. As your calendar fills, easy to layer styles meet the demands of your day. And as you challenge yourself to try even more, versatile sets transition with you. The Lululemon fall lineup brings new levels of comfort and confidence, whether you're starting something fresh or starting something over. Check out the latest arrivals in store and on lululemon.com now.