The Great North Run, a Twister re-watch and a special guest at Chris's show

On Shagged Married Annoyed this week Rosie has had enough of Chris being on tour but would like to know who his special guest was... The pair discuss whether Twister is a suitable rewatch, if Chris is like Fozzy and why people are nostalgic for Paw Patrol. Rosie has some potential HR problems, Chris is still head of the Dad jokes and they both explain their Truman show conspiracy! All this plus some brilliant additions to the new feature, prefect chat and some missing school books! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [email protected] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Coming up on this week's episode of Shag Married Annoyed.

• 0:02Speaker 01

  We talk a lot about 90s films and I'm absolutely loving it.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  We're going through a real 90s films phase at the minute and long may it continue. We get deep early.

• 0:10Speaker 01

  Sorry.

• 0:10Speaker 00

  Not in a sexy way.

• 0:13Speaker 01

  You have a very special guest in one of your gigs.

• 0:15Speaker 00

  Very special guest.

• 0:16Speaker 01

  With a lovely name.

• 0:17Speaker 00

  With a very strange name. We feel old again as usual.

• 0:21Speaker 01

  Questions from the public, beefs and everything in between.

• 0:25Speaker 00

  Yes, indeed. Enjoy.

• 0:28Speaker 02

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• 0:57Speaker 01

  Hello, you are listening and possibly watching Shag Married Annoyed with me, Rosie and my husband, Chris.

• 1:02Speaker 00

  Hello.

• 1:02Speaker 01

  Hello, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome.

• 1:04Speaker 00

  Hello, hello, hello. How's it going?

• 1:07Speaker 01

  Good. Why do you say hello? It's hello. Hate hello. Oh, beef, beef, beef.

• 1:13Speaker 00

  One fucking word.

• 1:14Speaker 01

  My husband says hello, like shallow hallow.

• 1:18Speaker 00

  Is that a thing?

• 1:19Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 1:20Speaker 00

  Am I allowed to say hello?

• 1:21Speaker 01

  I don't know, it just sounds weird.

• 1:23Speaker 00

  Really?

• 1:23Speaker 01

  Welcome to the podcast.

• 1:24Speaker 00

  One word, one word and I'm getting fucking jumped all over. Not in a good way.

• 1:28Speaker 01

  No, you do it every, every week.

• 1:30Speaker 00

  Do I?

• 1:30Speaker 01

  Hello, hello.

• 1:32Speaker 00

  Alright, sorry. Hello, hello, hello, hello.

• 1:34Speaker 01

  Right, stop. Enough. I shouldn't have said anything. I'm sorry.

• 1:37Speaker 00

  You shouldn't have said anything. It's very, very negative, negative way to start the podcast. You're a disgrace. You should be offended.

• 1:42Speaker 01

  You know what? You're married. I'm not, I'm not a positive person.

• 1:45Speaker 00

  No, sometimes you are. So there, yeah. But yes, all good. I've been on tour. I've done my first little bit of it. I'm back. We had a little, we didn't even watch the telly last night. We sat and chatted.

• 1:54Speaker 01

  We did. Um, I'm seething.

• 1:57Speaker 00

  Right.

• 1:58Speaker 01

  That you're on tour.

• 1:59Speaker 00

  Yes, yes. I got the earliest, guys, the earliest ever in a tour that I've had a, don't go on tour again.

• 2:06Speaker 01

  Do you know?

• 2:07Speaker 00

  It was one day.

• 2:08Speaker 01

  So.

• 2:08Speaker 00

  One day in.

• 2:09Speaker 01

  Well, okay. The spring summer was great.

• 2:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:12Speaker 01

  The winter one, not so good.

• 2:14Speaker 00

  It's not even winter yet. Not even winter yet.

• 2:15Speaker 01

  It was colder.

• 2:16Speaker 00

  It just rained.

• 2:17Speaker 01

  Do you know what it is? Robyn sprained his ankle and that was the issue. So I've had, I've been in the house all weekend with the kids.

• 2:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:24Speaker 01

  Um, and because he's had to rest his ankle and obviously it's just been a lot.

• 2:29Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 2:29Speaker 01

  Because normally I like to just get them out, run them about.

• 2:32Speaker 00

  Of course, they're puppies.

• 2:33Speaker 01

  Sit on my phone while they do their stuff, you know what I mean? Because why not? Right?

• 2:38Speaker 00

  I agree.

• 2:39Speaker 01

  Shut up, judging us. Um, it's normally emails to be fair, it's work.

• 2:44Speaker 00

  Yeah. Wing, wing.

• 2:45Speaker 01

  But yeah, so it's just been a bit stressful and I'm just a bit like, oh God, why have you gone? I just like, I missed you.

• 2:52Speaker 00

  Wow, wow, you turned that round. So.

• 2:54Speaker 01

  I genuinely did. I genuinely missed you. We've got a really good groove, us two.

• 2:57Speaker 00

  We have, you know.

• 2:58Speaker 01

  You can't deny it.

• 2:59Speaker 00

  No.

• 3:00Speaker 01

  We've got a good house. It's took us years, I think, to get into it.

• 3:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:04Speaker 01

  It's took a long time, but now we've got a really good groove. We know we're jobs. We know what we're doing. And when one person isn't there, holy crap, like it's, I didn't sit down.

• 3:13Speaker 00

  The house of cards falls apart. Yeah, you don't sit down. That's the thing. You do, you, so when you're here, that's, so I find it, when you're not here, I find it obviously harder, but weirdly easier in a way because I just reside myself to the fact that I'm not going to sit down.

• 3:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:29Speaker 00

  And I don't, I stand, I literally stand and I go, right, he's had his food, right, there's his juice, right, he's up there. And I just, like on a morning, when I have my coffee on a morning, when you're here, I'm like, oh, cheeky little sit down here, I'll do a word.

• 3:39Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, because.

• 3:40Speaker 00

  But when you're not here, I'm like.

• 3:41Speaker 01

  I'll do all of the uniforms and stuff.

• 3:43Speaker 00

  But when you're not here, I'm like, I know I can't. So I just, yeah, it is. I'm sorry. It is tough.

• 3:47Speaker 01

  No, no, it's, it's gotta be done. It's work, isn't it?

• 3:49Speaker 00

  If it makes you feel better at all, I've got two games of golf in, I had pizza two nights in a row, then I had a dishum two nights in a row. So I'm personally having a lovely time.

• 3:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:59Speaker 00

  So if that makes you feel better, that one of us team members here, i.e. me, is having a lovely time, then, you know, hopefully keep that in the back of your mind. Anytime you're having a tough time, just think, but he's on a golf course now.

• 4:10Speaker 01

  Well, that's the problem because when the kids were little, you would really miss them and you'd be like, I'm so gutted, like I'm really not having a nice time. Now you're like, don't pick up my phone. See you later.

• 4:19Speaker 00

  No phones on the golf course, motherfuckers.

• 4:23Speaker 01

  You used to come home after gigs, remember? I used to get them dry through the night, four hours.

• 4:27Speaker 00

  No fucking chance. You're kidding us. No way.

• 4:30Speaker 01

  Oh, it's fine. I get it, I get it. I've got a very busy sketch coming up soon anyway, so Sandra.

• 4:34Speaker 00

  Ships in the night, ships in the night, there's auto mount, we.

• 4:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, Sandra's got, got a lot going on, Sandra. So get ready.

• 4:41Speaker 00

  So yes, so I thank you so much to everyone who came to the last few shows. It was Norwich, Ipswich, Liverpool, Stoke. All amazing. Thank you very, very much. Got something to tell you about a very special audience member that I had in Stoke. Later on in the podcast, that's a teaser. That's what they do on local radio. Coming up, coming up after Shakira. Someone might want to think of.

• 5:01Speaker 01

  Jesus.

• 5:02Speaker 00

  I've just aged myself.

• 5:03Speaker 01

  Come back into the 21st century, Shakira.

• 5:05Speaker 00

  She's still a thing. She just did a song, song, somewhere, she did a song.

• 5:09Speaker 01

  For Zootopia.

• 5:10Speaker 00

  Was it, was it a Disney Zootopia number two?

• 5:13Speaker 01

  I think it was Zootopia two.

• 5:14Speaker 00

  Oh, well, I'm all right then. I'm still up to date. I don't know why she was the first person who popped in me.

• 5:18Speaker 01

  It's fine. Listen.

• 5:19Speaker 00

  Great. I hips don't lie. Hips don't lie.

• 5:22Speaker 01

  The hips don't lie.

• 5:22Speaker 00

  Hips don't lie.

• 5:23Speaker 01

  Moves like mountain. What's it? Tits like mountains? What did she say?

• 5:26Speaker 00

  Do you know?

• 5:27Speaker 01

  Look at them, my breasts are small and humble, so you don't confuse them with mountains.

• 5:31Speaker 00

  Which I've done loads of times. The amount of times I've heard it. The amount of times I've heard a pickaxe in your nipple and tried to climb over the top of it. It's good advice. Listen.

• 5:40Speaker 01

  I wish my breasts were small and humble. Oh God, I'd give anything for small and humble breasts.

• 5:46Speaker 00

  Have we talked about this before? I'm sure. Did I do one extra, extra? Have we mentioned it? She found out, I'm 99% sure this is true. Shakira found out that the fellow she was with, who I think was a footballer, was cheating on her. Because she came home from tour and there was less jam in the jam jar and he doesn't like jam. So he had a last day who'd used the jam and it was her. I'm, I am 99% sure that's true.

• 6:12Speaker 01

  Do you know, all my, honestly, I mean, I don't know what she's like as a person.

• 6:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:16Speaker 01

  But it was the same when Beyonce got cheated on. You just go, there's no help for anyone.

• 6:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:21Speaker 01

  If you're cheating on Shakira with her small and humble breasts.

• 6:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:25Speaker 01

  Like what, and she, I'm sorry, she would be amazing in bed.

• 6:30Speaker 00

  Oh, with the way the hips moving there. Oh, hello. Yeah. But listen.

• 6:33Speaker 01

  I'm not even a man. I'm not even a dick.

• 6:35Speaker 00

  Can we address, can we address the main problem here?

• 6:38Speaker 01

  What?

• 6:38Speaker 00

  Do not, fellas, be letting your side chick use the jam.

• 6:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:43Speaker 00

  What's going on?

• 6:44Speaker 01

  I mean.

• 6:45Speaker 00

  Jam, jam, the stickiest substance in the world, when you're coming over for some hanky panky, get a load of jam round your mouth.

• 6:53Speaker 01

  If your brain went to that.

• 6:54Speaker 00

  Yeah. Now, listen, on that note, thank you so much for listening. Thank you for being here. Thank you for watching. If you are, if you're watching on YouTube, like and subscribe. That would be lovely. And without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. I might have had this before, but it's happening again. There's loads of them all over the place. It's doing me nutting. I literally want to get out of the car and ask them questions. This week's sponsor is people who are just randomly walking down the dual carriageway. What's going on?

• 7:19Speaker 01

  What do you mean?

• 7:19Speaker 00

  Cotton Eye Joe, where did you come from? Where did you go?

• 7:22Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 7:22Speaker 00

  I want to, sometimes we're driving along on tour and I look and there's someone just, and there's no broken down car or anything inside. And it feels like there's not a built up area nearby. I'm like, I want, I just think you should be able to pull over and go, excuse me, by law, you have to tell me because I'm nosy as fuck.

• 7:39Speaker 01

  Yeah. Is it, this is going to sound insane, right? You're going to think I'm mental.

• 7:44Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 7:44Speaker 01

  Okay. But, or maybe I'm a narcissist. I don't know what I am, right?

• 7:49Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 7:51Speaker 01

  Do you ever in life, and I've thought this my whole entire life, I've sometimes thought, is it just me in this world? And I know everyone else is here, but is it the Truman Show? But then the other day, like when people like that come from Norway.

• 8:04Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 8:04Speaker 01

  You just kind of go, well, it can't be because where have they been?

• 8:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:08Speaker 01

  And the other day I seen a woman talking to a baby in the back of the car. And I was like, she's living her life. She's talking to her baby in the back of that car.

• 8:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:16Speaker 01

  And then you go, yeah, it's not just me.

• 8:20Speaker 00

  Wow. Okay. Yeah. No, so I do believe, no, no, I do believe the ball had the Truman Show thing. So I heard a really interesting one the other day.

• 8:26Speaker 01

  I sometimes still think it. That's mentalism because everyone's living.

• 8:29Speaker 00

  Theory the other day.

• 8:30Speaker 01

  I haven't talked, Chris, when, when someone's still talking, you don't talk, you don't just talk, you just talk over me.

• 8:37Speaker 00

  Right.

• 8:38Speaker 01

  In hopes that I'm going to stop talking.

• 8:40Speaker 00

  Sorry, you're talking. I don't, I don't hear anything.

• 8:41Speaker 01

  Stop it.

• 8:42Speaker 00

  Sorry.

• 8:44Speaker 01

  It's wild. No, I'm really sick of men at the minute, not letting me stop, not letting me fucking finish a sentence.

• 8:51Speaker 00

  Just trying to prove that it's not just you in this world, that I'm here as well. That's all it is.

• 8:55Speaker 01

  Oh God, I sound awful, don't I?

• 8:57Speaker 00

  Have you heard, so I heard an interesting theory the other day.

• 8:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:00Speaker 00

  So you know how like there's, there's, you know, the whole sliding doors thing about like.

• 9:04Speaker 01

  I can't remember sliding doors.

• 9:05Speaker 00

  It's like, yeah, it's sort of a movie based on a theory of like, every time you make a choice, the universe fractures into another thing. Yeah.

• 9:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:12Speaker 00

  So I heard a theory the other day that said, you don't, no one dies in their universe. So you, you'll never die in your version. You'll die in my version and it'll fracture off into another one. But in your version, you don't die. Everyone else around you dies and you live, you live, everyone lives forever in their own.

• 9:31Speaker 01

  Until you die.

• 9:32Speaker 00

  No, you don't die.

• 9:33Speaker 01

  What? I don't know. Uh, I think I've had an aneurysm. I don't like stuff like this.

• 9:40Speaker 00

  So when you've died, that's, when you've died, that's in someone else's and that fractures off into a different storyline kind of thing, like the Mar, like Marvel. But you never die in yours. You stay alive forever. And you're like, oh my God, this person's lived forever. But it's just in, so no one can experience anyone else happening because it only happens in your universe, not other people. It's mental. It is mental.

• 10:01Speaker 01

  I'm so confused. Sometimes I do understand what you're saying. No, I've got no idea.

• 10:07Speaker 00

  Sweeping generalisation.

• 10:08Speaker 01

  There's more, can we just go to me being in the Truman Show and you're all fake?

• 10:12Speaker 00

  Okay, that's it then. Yes, yes. Yeah.

• 10:15Speaker 01

  What's wrong with this?

• 10:16Speaker 00

  Jason Cook once said to me years ago, when you walk out of a room, do you think everyone just waits for you to come back? And I said, yes.

• 10:26Speaker 01

  No, I think it's just, I don't know what it is. Does anyone else feel like this? Do you ever just watch anyone else go in their life and go, oh wow, everyone else is living their life as well?

• 10:35Speaker 00

  Oh yeah. Well, you go, they've got, everyone else has got so much going on. To quote Jim Carrey's Riddler from Batman Forever. What is everything to one man, but nothing to another?

• 10:44Speaker 01

  Their life.

• 10:45Speaker 00

  His mind.

• 10:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:46Speaker 01

  Yeah. Oh, hey, listen, we're getting deep today.

• 10:50Speaker 00

  Deep as anything. Anyway.

• 10:51Speaker 01

  Deep dish.

• 10:52Speaker 00

  Will you hear who was in my gig at Stoke?

• 10:54Speaker 01

  Eee, what?

• 10:55Speaker 00

  Very special guest.

• 10:56Speaker 01

  Really?

• 10:57Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, no, no, but you'll enjoy it.

• 10:59Speaker 01

  Okay, well, after, after this, we'll find out.

• 11:01Speaker 00

  Play the thing, play the thing.

• 11:02Speaker 01

  Who was it?

• 11:14Speaker 01

  Hello and welcome back. Right, who was at Stoke?

• 11:26Speaker 00

  Hello, wow.

• 11:26Speaker 01

  Was it somebody famous?

• 11:28Speaker 00

  No one famous, no one famous. So was it Stoke? Yeah, it was definitely Stoke. So I'm on stage in Stoke.

• 11:32Speaker 01

  The story, the story's getting shit out of it in a minute.

• 11:34Speaker 00

  Thank you for ever, honestly, the last, the runner gigs have been amazing. As I say, there's some tickets left for some of them if you go on my website, but absolutely unbelievable.

• 11:41Speaker 01

  I've had lots of comments on stuff saying how good it's been, so that's lovely.

• 11:45Speaker 00

  Oh, that's lovely. Oh, amazing. Well, so yeah, so I did Norwich, Stoke, Liverpool. So in Stoke on Saturday night, I was just doing my show and everything was fine. And then over to the right hand side of the stage, I kept hearing like something rattling, like a, like a, like a necklace or a bag, like the metal on a bar. And I was like, fuck it. And I ignored it for a bit. And then I was like, I was like, excuse me, can Jacob Marley stop fucking rattling his chains in the corner? Right. And everyone sort of laughed at it. And then someone went, oh, it's a dog. And I went, oh, right, it's a dog. And I went away and the most gorgeously placid, beautiful golden retriever guide dog.

• 12:25Speaker 00

  He was absolutely stunning. Well, this was the best bit of the night. We found out the dog's name and everyone laughed so much. I nearly had to call the gig off because I was like, we're not going to get anything funnier than what this is, right? I'm going to give you five guesses, right? I'm going to give you five guesses to what this dog's name is. If you get this dog's name in five guesses, I will be incredibly impressed.

• 12:48Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 12:49Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 12:49Speaker 01

  Was it Jacob Marley?

• 12:51Speaker 00

  No, but that would have been amazing.

• 12:52Speaker 01

  Was it Scrooge?

• 12:53Speaker 00

  No, that's two guesses.

• 12:56Speaker 01

  Um, see no evil, hear no evil.

• 12:59Speaker 00

  No, because it's a guide dog. Jesus, no.

• 13:05Speaker 01

  I don't know. I don't know.

• 13:08Speaker 00

  This dog's name.

• 13:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:09Speaker 00

  This beautiful dog was called Phil.

• 13:17Speaker 01

  Oh, God. What are you naming your dog Phil for?

• 13:20Speaker 00

  It's fucking unbelievable.

• 13:21Speaker 01

  I don't like that at all.

• 13:22Speaker 00

  It was a thing where I was like, I was talking to the dog off stage. I was like, hi, how's it going? You know? And then I was like, oh, what's his name? And then went Phil. I went, all right, shut the fuck up, Phil. And then I took a few steps along and I turned, I went, sorry, Phil. And the whole crowd, it was like a proper, I, I didn't hear it the first time, like Phil, I was like, Phil, shut the fuck up, Phil. Sorry, Phil. It was, it was.

• 13:42Speaker 01

  Phil. Did you have to be there?

• 13:43Speaker 00

  Well, yes, thank you. The best bit was I was standing on the stage looking at the, looking at the dog. And I was like, and because I went back over to talk to them for a bit. And I was looking at it. I was laughing. I was going, Phil. And the dog was looking at us as if to go, aye?

• 13:56Speaker 00

  Fucking call Phil, what do you want? Like?

• 13:58Speaker 01

  Oh, he's got no idea.

• 13:59Speaker 00

  He had no idea his name was named after an accountant. It was hilarious.

• 14:03Speaker 01

  Bless him.

• 14:04Speaker 00

  But he just, what I think is incredible about them is there's been guide dogs in loads of my gigs. And even when, you know, not giving anything away, but there's a part of the gig at the end where I get really fast and really loud. Not a fucking people. They're just like, nah, this is my job. Completely ignore what I'm doing. Unbelievable. But I was literally going, your name's Phil? And he was looking at us, his little tail was wagging, but he was just like, yeah, my name's Phil. What's your fucking name, d'ke?

• 14:25Speaker 01

  So clever.

• 14:25Speaker 00

  Great.

• 14:26Speaker 01

  So clever. Oh, I'd love a golden retriever, you know?

• 14:29Speaker 00

  It was the quintessential, like Hollywood movie golden retriever.

• 14:34Speaker 01

  That's what we're getting.

• 14:35Speaker 00

  But caramel, slightly caramel colour, not white.

• 14:37Speaker 01

  I watched Twister the other night.

• 14:39Speaker 00

  Yes, you had the kids watching Twister, yeah.

• 14:41Speaker 01

  And there was a golden retriever in that. And I was just like, that little gorgeous, gorgeous dog. But if we do get one, you're just gonna have to brush it every day.

• 14:48Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 14:49Speaker 01

  And I want a girl. I've already decided. What we're gonna call her?

• 14:52Speaker 00

  Uh, don't know, but just another, Shakira. Um, another little reality check for everyone. That dog from Twister is now dead.

• 15:04Speaker 01

  Oh my God. Yeah. Cause the film's 30 year old. 30 years old. Can you believe that? Can you believe that film is 30 years old?

• 15:10Speaker 00

  Uh, I think the main guy, I think the main guy's dead as well.

• 15:12Speaker 01

  He's dead as well, Bill Nighy. God, love him. Love him.

• 15:16Speaker 00

  Bill, I don't think he's called Bill Nighy.

• 15:17Speaker 01

  Is he not?

• 15:18Speaker 00

  I think that's the science guy, Bill Nighy. The guy you're talking about, but he's in, he was in True Lies. He's amazing in True Lies.

• 15:25Speaker 01

  He's in Big Love that I'm watching. Hang on.

• 15:26Speaker 00

  Yeah. And he was in Aliens, the second Alien film. Great actor.

• 15:31Speaker 01

  Who's in it?

• 15:32Speaker 00

  He's amazing in True Lies.

• 15:34Speaker 01

  Hang on, we'll find out his name. Just, oh, not 2026, idiot. What year was it out?

• 15:41Speaker 00

  Don't know. It was the first, it was, I was telling you.

• 15:43Speaker 01

  It was 1996.

• 15:44Speaker 00

  It was the first movie released on DVD. Twister.

• 15:47Speaker 01

  Bill Paxton.

• 15:48Speaker 00

  Bill Paxton. Absolutely. Rest in peace.

• 15:49Speaker 01

  And do you know what was crazy? Everyone's faces moved. Helen, Helen Hunt, all the expressions.

• 15:57Speaker 00

  Lines on the forehead.

• 15:58Speaker 01

  Mad.

• 15:59Speaker 00

  Disgusting. I won't hear of it. Vile.

• 16:01Speaker 01

  Could have vomited.

• 16:02Speaker 00

  Absolutely vile.

• 16:03Speaker 01

  I was like, I can see every expression.

• 16:04Speaker 00

  I don't want to see expressions on actors' faces.

• 16:06Speaker 01

  I mean, disgus-

• 16:08Speaker 00

  Could you see them smiling?

• 16:09Speaker 01

  Awful.

• 16:10Speaker 00

  Horrible.

• 16:10Speaker 01

  Real teeth, proper teeth, proper 90s teeth.

• 16:13Speaker 00

  Monkey. Get it in the bin. Get all copies of Twister on DVD. First ever DVD in the bin. Disgusting. I'm not watching that.

• 16:22Speaker 01

  Babadu babadu babadu ba.

• 16:23Speaker 00

  This episode is sponsored by TV Licensing. A TV licence covers you to watch over 400 TV channels plus everything on BBC iPlayer. To find out more, go to tvl.co.uk/pod. Rosie.

• 16:36Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 16:37Speaker 00

  So many things on TV coming up.

• 16:39Speaker 01

  I know.

• 16:39Speaker 00

  So many things to talk about.

• 16:40Speaker 01

  There always is an autumn. Autumn really ramps up on the TV side of things, I think.

• 16:43Speaker 00

  You're gonna be back in the house. You're gonna be sitting down, early nights, dark nights. You're gonna be watching a load of cracking stuff. What you, what you looking forward to?

• 16:51Speaker 01

  So I'm looking forward to RuPaul's Drag Race UK. I'm a series behind Saturday, right? So I'm gonna binge watch the last series. And then this series started on the 3rd of September. So I feel like I'm just gonna have, that's my night's planned.

• 17:04Speaker 00

  Absolute powerhouse of a show. It's been going forever, that.

• 17:06Speaker 01

  It's so good though. Yeah, it's really good. Obviously I've seen all of the American ones and the UK ones are just as good. And actually, like a lot more relatable as well.

• 17:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 17:16Speaker 01

  Do you know what I mean?

• 17:16Speaker 00

  Close at home.

• 17:17Speaker 01

  Close at home.

• 17:18Speaker 00

  Obviously huge this autumn. Strictly Come Dancing.

• 17:22Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 17:22Speaker 00

  Obviously huge every single year, but we've got brand new presenters this year. We've got my mate, Josh Whittaker. We've got Emma Willis. And we've got the wonderful ex-professional dancer on the show, Johannes.

• 17:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love Johannes.

• 17:34Speaker 00

  Oh my God, when I did the show myself, Johannes, just, just whenever you saw him, it was just like, he just made us feel amazing.

• 17:39Speaker 01

  I did So and Be with him.

• 17:40Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 17:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's a really magical man.

• 17:43Speaker 00

  Lovely presence, just a lovely presence up around. So yeah, complete switch up of the whole thing.

• 17:47Speaker 01

  Let's see what it's like, eh?

• 17:49Speaker 00

  Uh, yeah.

• 17:49Speaker 01

  I think there's gonna be a lot of people watching.

• 17:51Speaker 00

  Oh, everyone's gonna tune in to see what's going on. Yeah. I'm really looking forward to seeing how it goes on. And obviously it, it's tough for me to watch because I found it so difficult. Just when I hear the dancing, the whatever, or hear the tune.

• 18:02Speaker 01

  I thought you were gonna say, I thought you were gonna say it's gonna be tough for me to watch because I really wanted that gig.

• 18:07Speaker 00

  No, it's tough for me to watch, but we know this because I found Strictly so difficult. I hear the, literally I hear the duh, duh, duh, duh, and I get like nervous because it was just, but yeah, I mean, it's just, again, it's just a powerhouse of, of British television.

• 18:19Speaker 01

  It's a great Saturday night programme. I love having it on. Family friendly. Can be on in the background while you're catching up with your mates or, you know, the kids can be there while it's on. It's lush.

• 18:29Speaker 00

  Watch it with the kids, then watch it with your mates and a cheeky little glass of wine. It's fantastic.

• 18:33Speaker 01

  Oh, there's loads of new dancers as well.

• 18:34Speaker 00

  Exactly. But it's gonna be, it's gonna be like a new show. Obviously Bake Off back on my screens as well.

• 18:40Speaker 01

  Come on.

• 18:41Speaker 00

  Big news in Bake Off.

• 18:42Speaker 01

  What?

• 18:42Speaker 00

  Nigella.

• 18:43Speaker 01

  Nigella? Oh my gosh, I completely forgot about that.

• 18:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, man.

• 18:47Speaker 01

  Ooh, okay. Oh, that'll be in, oh, look at, look at these programmes shaking it up.

• 18:52Speaker 00

  They really have, haven't they?

• 18:53Speaker 01

  I think Nigella will be a really good judge. And from when I used to watch Nigella back in the day, she loves a bit of cake.

• 18:59Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 19:00Speaker 01

  Do you know what I mean?

• 19:01Speaker 00

  If you're watching this on YouTube, I'll just lean slightly out the way there. You can just, just see, just behind us, you can just see me starbake area.

• 19:07Speaker 01

  Wow, wow.

• 19:10Speaker 01

  Not about you, Chris. Not about you.

• 19:12Speaker 00

  I try and make everything about me if I can.

• 19:13Speaker 01

  Of course you do.

• 19:14Speaker 00

  What else you got coming up?

• 19:15Speaker 01

  Um, it's called Cruising Paradise Above and Below Deck. It's on E4. Uh, it started on the 30th of July and it's 10 episodes running through till October. It's just something that I know that I will love. It's a documentary about a cruise ship and it shows the kind of behind the scenes with a lot of the entertainment staff, which I know so many people have worked on cruise ships and I know how stressful it is. And also I used to work abroad in roads and hotels, so I know all about it. And I just love seeing the behind the scenes of cruisers. They're fascinating. I've never been on one, but I find them fascinating.

• 19:47Speaker 00

  Obviously they are the forbidden fruit for you because you couldn't get a job at a cruise ship because you weren't tall enough.

• 19:51Speaker 01

  I wasn't tall enough for the costumes. I would have been, I would have, this would have been so much more relatable. But yeah, so it shows and it follows a couple of the travellers. Some young, some old, some first timers, some who've been there lots of times. And I just love stuff like that. And E4 always do it really well. Channel 4 as a whole do those kind of documentaries. Bellissimo.

• 20:11Speaker 00

  And listen, it's not all light heart entertainment. ITV have The Rainmaker, which is a legal thriller. We love it. We love a courtroom. We love a courtroom drama. It's a legal thriller. It's corruption. It's all kinds going on. We've got that ready to look for just, you know, it can't all be shiny floors and excitement and baking cakes and dancing. There has to be a bit gritty in there as well.

• 20:31Speaker 01

  We need the drama.

• 20:32Speaker 00

  So we've got Strictly on the BBC. We've got Bake Off on Channel 4. We've got RuPaul on the BBC. We've got Cruising Paradise on E4. And we've got ITV, The Rainmaker.

• 20:39Speaker 01

  Nice. Oh, bit of everything there.

• 20:41Speaker 00

  Absolutely sewn up your autumn there for you. Enjoy. And remember, a TV licence covers you to watch over 400 TV channels and everything on BBC iPlayer. To find out more, go to tvl.co.uk/pod.

• 20:55Speaker 01

  Happy watching.

• 20:59Speaker 03

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• 21:28Speaker 01

  Babadu babadu babadu ba.

• 21:30Speaker 00

  So I've accidentally came up with a new segment that I've said a couple of times. I've just did a little tiny bit of it there, but do you want another dead quick installment of, do you want to feel old?

• 21:39Speaker 01

  Oh, oh God, do I? I don't know if I do.

• 21:43Speaker 00

  I think you do.

• 21:44Speaker 01

  Do I?

• 21:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:45Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 21:45Speaker 00

  Do you want to feel old?

• 21:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:47Speaker 00

  So now and then, so I follow like 90s nostalgia and 80s nostalgia things on, and they'll show like, you know, you know, Mighty Max or Polly Pocket or different toys. And then because it knows, the algorithm knows I like stuff like that, it then shows us things like, there's this theme, there's this trend, if it's, it'll say, we grew up here. And it'll be a photo of one of the maps from the early Call of Duty games. It'll be like, most of us grew up here. And it's like, oh, it's like one of the first maps that you played online and you played on Call of Duty. So you know the place kind of thing. I saw one this morning. We grew up here.

• 22:25Speaker 00

  It was the Paw Patrol Tower.

• 22:28Speaker 01

  Oh, right. No, how old, how old is it? Oh God.

• 22:31Speaker 00

  It was a Paw Patrol Tower.

• 22:33Speaker 01

  We've still got it. Still going by the way.

• 22:35Speaker 00

  Fucking best toy you'll ever buy.

• 22:36Speaker 01

  Listen, have you ever changed the batteries in that?

• 22:39Speaker 00

  Nah.

• 22:40Speaker 01

  Neither of that?

• 22:40Speaker 00

  I think, I think.

• 22:42Speaker 01

  Is it bugged?

• 22:42Speaker 00

  I think Ryder is actually living in there. The actual guy who plays Ryder, I think he's inside of it. You literally, every time I go and move it away, the lift falls down and he goes, to the Paw Patrol, to the tower.

• 22:53Speaker 01

  God, I have never changed the batteries in that. And if you haven't.

• 22:56Speaker 00

  Nah, never.

• 22:57Speaker 01

  I doubt me mummas. I'll have to ask her.

• 22:58Speaker 00

  There's no fucking chance your mum's changed the batteries.

• 23:00Speaker 01

  No, there's no way.

• 23:02Speaker 00

  Guys, if the Paw Patrol Tower is still for sale, it's the, it's the greatest toy in the world.

• 23:05Speaker 01

  Unreal.

• 23:06Speaker 00

  But yeah.

• 23:06Speaker 01

  What?

• 23:07Speaker 00

  We grew up, literally. So there are people online now who are nostalgically looking back at their childhood and going, oh, Paw Patrol was my childhood.

• 23:17Speaker 01

  So how old is it? Hang on, we bought that for Robin and he must have been about one.

• 23:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was like one of his first main toys.

• 23:23Speaker 01

  Ours is like nine years old. That's a bit silly. That's still not.

• 23:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, but.

• 23:27Speaker 01

  But if they're like 18.

• 23:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, it might have been out well before that. There's people online now nostalgically looking back at Paw Patrol. And I, I looked at it, so I was going through, just on Instagram this morning looking and I saw it and I put my phone down and I went, they're getting that's not for me anymore.

• 23:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, Rafe's not that bothered about Paw Patrol.

• 23:42Speaker 00

  No, he was never asked, was he?

• 23:43Speaker 01

  Nah. Very different kids actually. Robin loved all that. He loved like Paw Patrol and he loved Gogetas.

• 23:51Speaker 00

  PJ Masks.

• 23:52Speaker 01

  All that kind of stuff. Rafe's like Disney kid.

• 23:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. He loves his Muppets and all his songs.

• 23:56Speaker 01

  Loves the Muppets, loves Sesame Street, loves like, loves Mickey Mouse, like actually loves Mickey Mouse.

• 24:02Speaker 00

  Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and all that.

• 24:03Speaker 01

  Ech.

• 24:04Speaker 00

  Well, Mickey.

• 24:04Speaker 01

  Honestly, I'm like, Rafe.

• 24:08Speaker 01

  That's what I mean though.

• 24:09Speaker 00

  Well.

• 24:10Speaker 01

  Or he's like, Mickey and Minnie. I'm like.

• 24:12Speaker 00

  He's you. Robin's me and Rafe's you. And specifically he's you. You saw firsthand the thing I mentioned the other day. When I'm brushing his teeth, you saw that firsthand today.

• 24:23Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, when he wore it out of your brain.

• 24:25Speaker 00

  We all know your catchphrase is, the bin stinks and you smell.

• 24:30Speaker 00

  It's so upsetting brushing his teeth. Did you see him?

• 24:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, I know. It's rude as hell, but he's got no idea. Do you know the audacity the other day? Cause he sits at the, he has his dinner and that at the table and he's got like his proper chair that he sits in. Nobody else can sit in it. Like he's particularly so spoiled. Do you know the other day, he was like, ma'am, this is so crummy, this chair. I was like, it's your fucking crumbs? Privileged little shit? He's literally like this, like this is, oh, so crummy.

• 25:00Speaker 00

  Has not been cleaned.

• 25:02Speaker 01

  The audace.

• 25:04Speaker 00

  Do you know what was amazing the other day? So do you know how I actually fully impressed him? He was buzzing with his for about five minutes. So he watches Muppets and Muppet Babies and obviously Fozzy. Fozzy tells jokes and then goes, waka, waka. And I told him I was going on two hours going to work and he asked us what I did for work. And I said, I was a comedian. And he said, what's a comedian? I said, well, I go on stage in front of people and I tell jokes. And he went, oh, like Fozzy.

• 25:27Speaker 01

  Oh my God.

• 25:28Speaker 00

  I went, yes, exactly like Fozzy. I said, don't say waka, waka at the end of each stroke, but yes, like Fozzy. And he was buzzing.

• 25:34Speaker 01

  Wow. Cause neither of them still really understand anything that like we do at all. Like, wow, okay.

• 25:41Speaker 00

  It was, it was a lovely moment. Like Fozzy, yes, like Fozzy, but much, much, much better than fucking Fozzy's son.

• 25:47Speaker 01

  Waka, waka, Phil. Babadu babadu babadu ba. So I've got something to tell you.

• 25:53Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 25:53Speaker 01

  My friend Jimmy from Capital.

• 25:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:56Speaker 01

  Do you know Jimmy? He's, I think he's like the main producer on Capital Breakfast.

• 26:00Speaker 00

  Okey dokey.

• 26:00Speaker 01

  But I worked with him when I was at Capital in North East.

• 26:03Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 26:04Speaker 01

  And he sent me a picture today.

• 26:06Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 26:07Speaker 01

  Do you know the leaderboard of the dad jokes?

• 26:09Speaker 00

  Oh, I don't. The one that I won. Have I, have I been knocked off?

• 26:11Speaker 01

  No, you're still at number one.

• 26:13Speaker 00

  Oh, shut up, man.

• 26:14Speaker 01

  They've made a proper leaderboard. You're number one with 12. John Bishop's two, he's got 10 and Josh Whittaker's 10. So they're drawn. But he said he's got Jack Whitehall coming in today or this week. So you might get knocked off.

• 26:28Speaker 00

  Nah, Jack's got no fucking chance. I'm not having that.

• 26:30Speaker 01

  Dad jokes, do you not think?

• 26:31Speaker 00

  Nah, Jack's got no chance. Nah. Like Jack, you know, I love you, but I think dad jokes are very much a working class thing. He went to boarding school.

• 26:39Speaker 01

  You never know though. You never know. But I'm fully invested. So I'll keep you.

• 26:42Speaker 00

  I'm happy with that. What's it called again? The punchline?

• 26:45Speaker 01

  Punchline of duty.

• 26:46Speaker 00

  Fantastic.

• 26:47Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 26:48Speaker 00

  Fantastic.

• 26:48Speaker 01

  Guys, you're doing the God's work over there. Big up radio though. Like, just big up.

• 26:55Speaker 00

  Every morning, crack of dawn.

• 26:57Speaker 01

  Such a hard job, you know?

• 26:58Speaker 00

  Dead positive, knocking it out, making people feel better. Yeah. I don't know how they do it.

• 27:01Speaker 01

  Squeezing it in that little, honestly, big up radio.

• 27:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:05Speaker 01

  And big up radio, big up podcasts. Like, do you know what I mean?

• 27:09Speaker 00

  Bigger yourself up there?

• 27:10Speaker 01

  No, I'm bigger than all the other podcasts that I listen to. Cause I just think that, I just think it's awesome.

• 27:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:15Speaker 01

  I just think, I love like that, the form of conversation is just back in fashion.

• 27:20Speaker 00

  Hmm. I know what you mean. Yeah.

• 27:21Speaker 01

  Don't get me wrong. Music's never going anywhere.

• 27:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, I get what you mean though. Cause with everyone watching five second clips on the internet non-stop and just being like, catch their attention or it's gone. Post every day or the, or the algorithm will kill you. The fact that people listen to like full on long form chat is pretty cool.

• 27:35Speaker 01

  I listened to an audiobook the other day.

• 27:37Speaker 00

  I don't listen to that shit, but yeah.

• 27:38Speaker 01

  No, I, I love it. I mean, I'm a huge podcast and audiobook fan.

• 27:42Speaker 00

  I'm on my third run through the Alan Partridge audiobooks.

• 27:44Speaker 01

  No, you're not.

• 27:45Speaker 00

  Oh, I am, yeah.

• 27:45Speaker 01

  Oh my God, how do you do that?

• 27:47Speaker 00

  Cause it's fucking amazing. You missed jokes the first time around. You missed them and then they come back in. It's so good.

• 27:53Speaker 01

  Cute. Babadu babadu babadu ba.

• 27:55Speaker 00

  It's time for what's your beef?

• 27:57Speaker 01

  What's your beef?

• 27:58Speaker 00

  Oh, she's shadow boxing. Well, she's doing her version of shadow boxing. Whatever that was. Okay. I haven't been here. So the fact that you would even dare to have a beef with me.

• 28:10Speaker 01

  This is back, backlog. Oh, hang on.

• 28:11Speaker 00

  Okay then. Okay then.

• 28:13Speaker 01

  No, this is from yesterday as well.

• 28:14Speaker 00

  Oh shit.

• 28:15Speaker 01

  Well.

• 28:16Speaker 00

  I came back at midday. I was back half, I was there for half the day.

• 28:19Speaker 01

  Oh, you're just, you're a dick when you come home. You're such a dick.

• 28:22Speaker 00

  So this is the beef. You've started the beef. Okay.

• 28:24Speaker 01

  Well, no, no, actually that was just a general passing thing. You're such a dick when you come back. You're just in a shitty, shitty little mood and you're just eye rolling shit and it's just infuriating. No, do you know what really pisses me off?

• 28:37Speaker 00

  I didn't eye roll last night. Sorry. You claim that I eye rolled last night. You are full of shit. You claim that I eye rolled last night.

• 28:42Speaker 01

  Okay. All right. Explain the situation and you're gonna be, you're gonna be done. You're gonna.

• 28:46Speaker 00

  I discovered yesterday that the porridge sashays were going out of date in a couple of days. So I said, leave them on the bench. We'll see if Robin will have one tonight. Robin came in asking for his supper and I've, I've been through this a million times with him. You go, what do you want? And he goes, uh, uh.

• 29:00Speaker 01

  No, okay.

• 29:01Speaker 00

  And then you went to him to want some porridge and he went, yeah, I'll have some porridge. And you looked at me and you went, will you make the porridge? And I looked at you as if to go, just wait one second. And then he went, actually I don't want porridge. And I nodded. And you were like, you were eye rolling because I asked you to make the porridge. I wasn't. It's a piece of piss. I knew he was going to change his fucking mind.

• 29:18Speaker 01

  And then, then what did he say? He said, I don't want anything.

• 29:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:22Speaker 01

  Cause he couldn't pick a cereal. So then what did I do?

• 29:25Speaker 00

  Made him some cereal.

• 29:26Speaker 01

  I made him a bowl of cornflakes. And what did he do?

• 29:27Speaker 00

  He ate the cereal.

• 29:28Speaker 01

  He said, thank you.

• 29:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:29Speaker 01

  And what would he have done with the porridge?

• 29:32Speaker 00

  What do you mean?

• 29:33Speaker 01

  He'd have, he'd have done exactly the same thing.

• 29:35Speaker 00

  Done porridge. Yeah.

• 29:36Speaker 01

  If he'd done him porridge, he would have ate the porridge.

• 29:38Speaker 00

  Yeah. Fair enough.

• 29:40Speaker 01

  So I'm right, you're wrong. I'm big, you're small. Shut the fuck up.

• 29:46Speaker 00

  That's not your beef. There's another, okay, come on then.

• 29:48Speaker 01

  No, that is me beef. I will do that one. I'll keep the rest for, I'll keep the rest.

• 29:51Speaker 00

  Nah, keeping some in the, keeping some in the fucking barrel, are you?

• 29:54Speaker 01

  This is a backlog. You keep doing, shut the utility room door. Shut the door. I, I dry all the clothes in the utility. All the clean clothes and all the clean sheets are in the utility room until I take them upstairs or whatever. Right? When the kitchen is right next to the utility room, when you're cooking something, you just leave the door wide open. Then all the, all the, all the clothes stain the food.

• 30:17Speaker 00

  Considered not cooking smelly stuff?

• 30:20Speaker 01

  Have you considered just shutting the door? Why can't you just shut the door? Before I cook anything, I'll make sure that door's shut.

• 30:26Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 30:27Speaker 01

  You're just frying a couple of eggs. Just, oh yeah, get in all the nice, all the bins, fucking go to school smelling like fucking eggs. Like shut the, shut the door. I don't know. I might as well not use, honestly, I'll just start washing them in water. And I'll not use any fabric softener. Save a fortune. Just hire them on a fucking rinse.

• 30:47Speaker 00

  Wash them in egg water? Oh, there we go. Eco-friendly. Wash them in the water that you've boiled eggs in.

• 30:55Speaker 01

  You're not gonna be for me?

• 30:56Speaker 00

  Course I fucking have.

• 30:57Speaker 01

  Oh, come on then.

• 30:57Speaker 00

  My beef with you.

• 31:01Speaker 00

  My beef-

• 31:02Speaker 01

  Are we having a drink tonight?

• 31:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, we might as well. My beef with you-

• 31:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:07Speaker 00

  Is thusly. So, since we started working together, you started basically saying, every time I, in any works at you scenario, if I get like slightly perturbed, slightly cross off, I have to, you know, I don't know. You just basically say, Chris, you represent us both now.

• 31:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:24Speaker 00

  Best behaviour, you represent us both now. So, anything I say, it's like, pop that in now, don't be a dick, because you represent both of us now, Chris.

• 31:32Speaker 01

  I'm more professional than you.

• 31:34Speaker 00

  Okay, okay.

• 31:35Speaker 01

  Oh, what have I done?

• 31:36Speaker 00

  Okay, remember that. So, last week, in the podcast studio that we record, Please Get Me Anonymous in,

• 31:46Speaker 00

  girl who does our socials, Kiara, came back in from a run to the shops, and she came back in and she had some sweet treats. And you opened one of the bags of sweet treats and you took a cookie out and you bit the cookie. You obviously liked the cookie, but you showed her and everyone that you liked the cookie by holding it into her face and saying, and I quote, "What the fuck is this?"

• 32:12Speaker 00

  Caught at the table, at first, she did get a little bit of a shock.

• 32:16Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 32:18Speaker 00

  Oh, God, what the fuck is this?

• 32:20Speaker 01

  I meant it in a really good way, because it's one of the best cookies I've ever had in your entire-

• 32:24Speaker 00

  Unbelievably aggressive.

• 32:25Speaker 01

  Like, where was it from?

• 32:26Speaker 00

  Unbelievable.

• 32:27Speaker 01

  From my chase, I think.

• 32:28Speaker 00

  Unbelievably aggressive.

• 32:29Speaker 01

  Double chocolate, well, okay, I, do you know, I thought you were gonna say-

• 32:32Speaker 00

  What?

• 32:33Speaker 01

  The other thing that I said, that you couldn't believe I said.

• 32:37Speaker 00

  What was that again?

• 32:38Speaker 01

  Well, I talked about wide ons, women getting wide on, and then someone was like, does your vagina actually get bigger?

• 32:43Speaker 00

  Right.

• 32:44Speaker 01

  And Kiara's got a girlfriend, so I said, Kiara, does, does the vagina get bigger?

• 32:48Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, that as well, sorry, that as well.

• 32:49Speaker 01

  That was the most professional thing that I said that day.

• 32:52Speaker 00

  Can I go back, can I go back and say, you asked her that? You literally asked a person we work with, that's a fucking HR, that's an HR meeting, that. Imagine, imagine I'd asked that!

• 33:01Speaker 01

  I know, it probably, Kiara, I'm really sorry.

• 33:04Speaker 01

  She did laugh and she-

• 33:05Speaker 00

  Oh, she's fully, I think, I mean, she's heard so much of this now, she'll fully understand the way your brain works.

• 33:11Speaker 01

  She's seen them up close, more than me.

• 33:15Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 33:17Speaker 00

  Stop, stop.

• 33:22Speaker 01

  Big shout out to Kiara and all the team, because we've got, haven't we got a lush team?

• 33:25Speaker 00

  Such a good team, I love them days in London.

• 33:27Speaker 01

  I do, it's absolutely class.

• 33:28Speaker 00

  It's so good.

• 33:29Speaker 01

  So much fun, and we've, we've made, like, it's took us a long time, and I feel like we've actually just like-

• 33:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:34Speaker 01

  We're sorted, aren't we?

• 33:35Speaker 00

  And, and to be fair, we did an absolute hellish collection of interviews for Please Get Me Anonymous. We did like five in two days, which are coming out in the next few weeks, you're gonna love them, guys.

• 33:46Speaker 01

  Can we just take a minute to, like, we're getting really mint, people?

• 33:50Speaker 00

  Crazy.

• 33:51Speaker 01

  Like-

• 33:52Speaker 00

  Shake, handshake.

• 33:52Speaker 01

  Like-

• 33:53Speaker 00

  Big names, really exciting.

• 33:54Speaker 01

  Guys.

• 33:55Speaker 00

  Really good.

• 33:55Speaker 01

  Thank you, and thank you for everyone for, like, for listening.

• 33:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:58Speaker 01

  Because obviously, obviously the listens, I don't know, but our people tell their people who, like, how many people are listening-

• 34:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:05Speaker 01

  For them to come on.

• 34:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, so it must be you lot, yeah.

• 34:07Speaker 01

  So I'm assuming it's doing well.

• 34:08Speaker 00

  It must be you lot listening, because otherwise they wouldn't bother, yeah.

• 34:10Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 34:10Speaker 00

  Our people, get, get your people to talk to my people.

• 34:14Speaker 01

  We have got people now.

• 34:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I don't let them talk to people, though.

• 34:18Speaker 01

  I know.

• 34:18Speaker 00

  Talk about wide ons and that, I can't trust them.

• 34:20Speaker 01

  Oh, God, I know, listen, we need to be more professional.

• 34:24Speaker 00

  I didn't, we-

• 34:25Speaker 01

  Okay, no, it's hard to be professional, though, when you're in like a-

• 34:29Speaker 00

  Jockey mood.

• 34:29Speaker 01

  Jockey.

• 34:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 34:30Speaker 01

  Atmosphere, but then, you're right, we shouldn't, I shouldn't be asking our staff about our girlfriend's wide on.

• 34:36Speaker 00

  Nope, no, definitely not, definitely not repeating it now on here as well, but there it is.

• 34:40Speaker 01

  Well, you live and learn, I'm learning a lesson, I won't again.

• 34:44Speaker 00

  You will.

• 34:44Speaker 01

  I know.

• 34:46Speaker 01

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba.

• 34:49Speaker 03

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• 35:18Speaker 01

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba. Ooh, just had a drink of a canned water and it tastes like veg.

• 35:25Speaker 00

  Veg?

• 35:26Speaker 01

  Vegetables.

• 35:26Speaker 00

  Oh, that's good, got your fiber D in you.

• 35:29Speaker 01

  It reminds us of school, you know, when you did cooking at school.

• 35:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:34Speaker 00

  I remember when I was at school, we, you know, when they used to come around with the milk, which I don't think they do anymore.

• 35:40Speaker 01

  No, they do.

• 35:41Speaker 00

  They come around with the milk.

• 35:42Speaker 01

  I mean, our kids still, like, yeah, there's still milk happens.

• 35:46Speaker 00

  I remember me, me mate-

• 35:47Speaker 01

  You don't do any school admin at all, do you?

• 35:49Speaker 00

  No.

• 35:49Speaker 01

  Do you, are you, do you get none of them emails?

• 35:51Speaker 00

  Do they go, do I want to go to school?

• 35:53Speaker 01

  Just, it just wild, just wild?

• 35:56Speaker 00

  You've, you, right, rewind, no, no, no, no, no, no.

• 35:59Speaker 01

  You live in a world where you don't even know what your kids are getting at school.

• 36:00Speaker 00

  Rewind this podcast, you just said, we've got a great groove, we've got our own little jobs. That's not on my, it's not on my docket, it's not, it's not, it's not my job, right? Okay?

• 36:12Speaker 01

  But I feel like I'd, I'd do quite, I'd do your job as well, though, sometimes.

• 36:15Speaker 00

  You said we're in a good groove, you can't go back in it, because that's disingenuous.

• 36:19Speaker 01

  You name a job that, of yours that I don't do.

• 36:23Speaker 00

  House admin, insurance.

• 36:25Speaker 01

  Okay, you say this, you say, this is bullshit, because it just comes out every month in a direct ever. You're literally like, I pay the mortgage, sorry, do you set up a different-

• 36:33Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, no.

• 36:34Speaker 01

  Do you set up a different bank account every month to pay the mortgage?

• 36:36Speaker 00

  I tax the vehicles, I insure the, the, everything, there's always something needs a new fucking MOT, I got the cars serviced, I do all of these things, I just, I'm just puttling away in the background, getting them all sorted out. Admin, eh?

• 36:50Speaker 01

  Fair enough, but just know, if you died, I'd easily take it over.

• 36:53Speaker 00

  Hose was leaking the other day, I went out, I got the whole new thing and I put the whole new hose bit back, you didn't even know, it was dripping off the tap, it kept popping off, eh? If I died, the place would flood, flood.

• 37:07Speaker 01

  Right.

• 37:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:08Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 37:09Speaker 00

  What was I saying?

• 37:09Speaker 01

  If, if you die, we're downsizing.

• 37:12Speaker 00

  Great, well, make sure you take the hose with you, because it's brand new.

• 37:15Speaker 01

  Right, good, I know.

• 37:16Speaker 00

  Good.

• 37:17Speaker 01

  Me and the kids are just gonna live in one room, because I can't be arsed, I'm sick, I'm sick. Sick of tidying, I'm sick of picking up shit.

• 37:24Speaker 00

  Like Charlie in the Chocolate Factory, you'll all be in one bed, just eating chocolate, keeping the rappers.

• 37:28Speaker 01

  I'd like, I, I don't mean to sound like such a privileged fucking bitch, because all my life, I just wanted to live in a big house, and you go, oh, my God, I watched Real Housewives, now we have a big house and we've, you know, it's lush and I'm so proud of her, but holy shit.

• 37:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:41Speaker 01

  I, like, I don't, it's, I'm constantly picking up shit and taking it from room to room, and I'm sick.

• 37:47Speaker 00

  All of the shit would just be in a small, it just, it just is what it is, it is what it is. We sound like a couple of dicks, but it just is what it is.

• 37:52Speaker 01

  We are a couple of dicks.

• 37:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're a dick, listen, you're a-

• 37:55Speaker 01

  You're the biggest dick, you're the biggest dick going, why am I on a bad mood, I'm not even your one?

• 37:59Speaker 00

  Is it me being bad?

• 38:03Speaker 00

  Listen, let's tell you about how good me golf was while I was away.

• 38:05Speaker 01

  No! I'd rather die.

• 38:09Speaker 00

  It's time for questions from the public!

• 38:12Speaker 01

  Questions from the public, public, public.

• 38:13Speaker 00

  Public, public, public, as always, if you want to get in touch, it's [email protected], and the phone number, I can't be arsed to reach from my phone, it's on the podcast app, so-

• 38:21Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 38:21Speaker 00

  Come on, man, stick it to your arse.

• 38:24Speaker 01

  Okay, these are, so, we're, we're sticking with the new feature, not for everything, but I've, I've definitely had some stuff sent in.

• 38:30Speaker 00

  What's the feature called again? Stuff that you say, that you heard other people say, that you still say, that you don't know what you say.

• 38:36Speaker 01

  That now say, in your relationship, that you now say.

• 38:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Cat, I think we should call it something like, like catch phrases from strangers or something.

• 38:46Speaker 01

  Okay, let's brainstorm it now.

• 38:47Speaker 00

  No.

• 38:48Speaker 01

  No, just dead quickly.

• 38:49Speaker 00

  I'll come, I'll come to the table next week with, I'll, I'll give you 10 options.

• 38:52Speaker 01

  You won't.

• 38:53Speaker 00

  How much?

• 38:55Speaker 01

  A hundred pound.

• 38:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, good, bring your fucking cash, bitch.

• 38:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, I will.

• 39:00Speaker 01

  Maybe I'll transfer it.

• 39:02Speaker 00

  No, no, it's gotta be, I want it in five hours, so it feels like I've got loads.

• 39:05Speaker 01

  Right, ready?

• 39:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:07Speaker 04

  I was just listening to this week's podcast and you were talking about things that you repeat to each other. About 14 years ago, me and my husband took my wee girl to a cafe and the lady came over to take her order and she said, "Bolognese for the cheese!" And we just, every time we have bolognese, that's what we say.

• 39:30Speaker 04

  Obviously, I don't think it was as bad as that when she said it, but tells it just 14 years on, it sounds like someone from the witches.

• 39:40Speaker 00

  Fucking fantastic. Bolognese for the-

• 39:44Speaker 01

  Bolognese for the child.

• 39:49Speaker 01

  You know that she didn't even say it like that.

• 39:51Speaker 00

  Nah, she didn't say it like at all.

• 39:52Speaker 01

  It was just bolognese for the child.

• 39:53Speaker 00

  Yeah. They've just, every time they said it, it's gone more ridiculous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fantastic. I love it. This is my favourite segment that we've had for a long time.

• 40:03Speaker 01

  Bolognese, bolognese for your child.

• 40:09Speaker 00

  Fantastic. Fucking fantastic.

• 40:13Speaker 01

  I love stuff like that. We used to do that as kids, you know, because on the Goonies. And I only realised that was where it was from because we used to say it and I didn't know why we said it.

• 40:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:23Speaker 01

  But every time we went on holiday, we'd be like, adios, señorita.

• 40:27Speaker 00

  Ah, yeah, yeah.

• 40:28Speaker 01

  Like every, just all the time. And it was mouth when I watched it with the, when we watched it recently. I was like, it's off Goonies?

• 40:34Speaker 00

  Did you see, again, in the vein of 90s films, we watched Goonies again.

• 40:38Speaker 01

  I'll talk about 90s films forever.

• 40:39Speaker 00

  Did you watch, did you, did you see the bit where the ma'am's telling Mouth, who is Corey Feldman?

• 40:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:46Speaker 00

  To translate to the cleaner about what they're doing about packing up.

• 40:49Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 40:49Speaker 00

  And he's talking about like sex trafficking and drug cartels and that. And she's like shitting her pants. It's insane.

• 40:57Speaker 01

  It never had the subtitles when we were kids.

• 40:59Speaker 00

  It never had the subtitles.

• 41:00Speaker 01

  I had no idea. And then, and you know, and you're like, why is she freaking out?

• 41:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, I had no idea.

• 41:05Speaker 00

  Or we just didn't read them.

• 41:07Speaker 01

  No, I don't think, I honestly swear to God, I don't think there was ever subtitles. Oh, yeah, maybe.

• 41:11Speaker 00

  But he's literally like, this is where she keeps all her sex toys. This is where we keep all the cocaine.

• 41:14Speaker 01

  And she's freaking out. She's like, oh, I don't know.

• 41:16Speaker 00

  Yes, she's like, oh, they're crazy.

• 41:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:18Speaker 00

  It's madness. It's absolute madness.

• 41:21Speaker 01

  It just goes to show, right, that literally kids, it's just.

• 41:26Speaker 00

  Just goes over your head, doesn't it?

• 41:27Speaker 01

  So over the head.

• 41:27Speaker 00

  We should probably not worry too much about the kids watching them because it just goes over their head.

• 41:31Speaker 01

  I know. Well, we watched Twister the other night and because I was, I took a stance, right? Because I'm sick of watching kids shit.

• 41:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:39Speaker 01

  And you were out, it was Friday, no, it was Saturday night. I was like, I'm gonna have a little half bottle of wine.

• 41:45Speaker 00

  I was with Phil.

• 41:46Speaker 01

  You were with your Phil.

• 41:47Speaker 00

  I was with Phil in stock.

• 41:47Speaker 01

  And I decided I was gonna have a little half bottle of wine. And I was like, you know what it is? They can stay up a bit later, but I'm watching a 90s film. I'm not watching some, I'm not watching shit, right?

• 41:57Speaker 00

  I think kids films now, I think I've said this before, they're exhausting. There's something about the way they do it to keep them, to get them hooked in with YouTube generation. There's no standard narrative structure. They just pull, the inciting incident happens, obviously bring me media head here. The inciting incident happens instantaneously.

• 42:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:13Speaker 00

  Instantaneously. There's no, you don't know what, it's horrible. It's exhausting to watch.

• 42:16Speaker 01

  But just to let you all know, Twister isn't actually scary. The reason, it's like tornadoes. It wasn't scary. The reason it's a 12 is because of the swearing.

• 42:26Speaker 00

  Right.

• 42:26Speaker 01

  And I didn't realise how much swearing there was from right at the beginning. And Rafe was watching it and I was like, oh my God. But then he fell asleep halfway through anyway. And he actually said the next day, can we watch that? Can we finish that film? I was like.

• 42:37Speaker 00

  Can we watch the fuck, fuck, piss film again?

• 42:39Speaker 01

  No, it wasn't fuck, fuck, piss. It was son of a bitch, right? But I kept saying to Rafe, I went, Rafe, these are really horrible words. I went, you don't repeat them. And he's literally like, what? He didn't, he didn't know what words were bad.

• 42:51Speaker 00

  Brilliant.

• 42:52Speaker 01

  So if he does start saying son of a bitch at school.

• 42:55Speaker 00

  Great.

• 42:56Speaker 01

  I am genuinely really sorry and I won't let him watch any more films like that.

• 43:00Speaker 00

  Great. Good stuff. Nice to know, nice to know it turns into a lawless fucking wasteland when I'm away. Fantastic.

• 43:05Speaker 01

  Honestly, I just wanted a glass of wine and just.

• 43:07Speaker 00

  Not watch.

• 43:08Speaker 01

  And I'll tell you what, it was absolutely class. It was a, I had a lush night, so, but.

• 43:13Speaker 00

  Look, you gotta do what you gotta do when I'm away working. I get it. And so in the vein of the new segment.

• 43:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:19Speaker 00

  I've got a couple that me, I just said to Carl, I was like, what are they? We're sitting in the van, obviously.

• 43:23Speaker 01

  Am I gonna get wrong for letting him watch a 12?

• 43:27Speaker 00

  You're kidding us.

• 43:28Speaker 01

  Am I gonna get social services at me door?

• 43:30Speaker 00

  I, I mean, if social services come because you've let a five-year-old watch Twister, it's a quiet fucking day in social services. I'll be honest with you. And I'm noting it for the divorce. It's just.

• 43:42Speaker 01

  You do not want them kids. So this is wild.

• 43:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I'd rather see them go to home than be, stay with you and watch all the swearing on the telly.

• 43:52Speaker 01

  Some people swear on their kids. So some people are living in a 12. I never swear in front of the kids, ever.

• 43:57Speaker 00

  I heard a child at the skateboard park tell his dad to piss off the other day.

• 44:01Speaker 01

  How old?

• 44:02Speaker 00

  Eh, young.

• 44:04Speaker 01

  Wild.

• 44:05Speaker 00

  Piss, but piss off.

• 44:07Speaker 01

  It's crazy. Some, some people, some swearing is just like.

• 44:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:12Speaker 01

  In houses.

• 44:13Speaker 00

  It'll happen once Robin's a bit older, I'm sure it will. Maybe when Rafe's older.

• 44:16Speaker 01

  Not yet.

• 44:17Speaker 00

  No. And so he has a couple. So I said to Carl, I said, what have we got like that we say?

• 44:22Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 44:23Speaker 00

  So are you aware of Carl once worked in a plug factory for the summer?

• 44:29Speaker 01

  No, no.

• 44:31Speaker 00

  So first of all, it's hilarious because all of Carl's friends worked on the production line of putting the plugs, putting all the plugs together or whatever, or packing all the plugs.

• 44:39Speaker 01

  Was this at, like Simon's side?

• 44:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, somewhere, somewhere near here.

• 44:43Speaker 01

  I was desperate for a job at one of them factories. There's a bacon factory there as well, I think.

• 44:47Speaker 00

  So it's, it's either Simon's side or Teen Valley or something like that. Yeah. So a lot of the lads got a summer job putting all the stuff together. And Carl caught on late and he was like, oh, in the, like, oh, we've got a two-week contract, not for the full summer. And he was like, all right, no, I'll, I'll have that.

• 45:03Speaker 00

  It wasn't on the production line. He was covering the, the caretaker, the janitor for two weeks.

• 45:10Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 45:10Speaker 00

  Because the janitor was going to, every, every summer, he went to Blackpool for two weeks. So he went to Blackpool and Carl was covering him. And so he was cleaning the box. Oh, fucking party. I'm in Blackpool soon. Tickets available on my website. And he was cleaning like toilets and getting like shit splashing back in his face and stuff like that. And he says, he was in the cafe one day and they did like bacon sandwiches, sausage sandwiches, stuff like that. And the woman at the desk at the counter shouted over to a bloke who was sitting reading his paper. And it's obviously worked there for so long that they're just on shorthand and they didn't realise how hilarious it was.

• 45:47Speaker 01

  Right.

• 45:48Speaker 00

  So she was asking him on his sandwich, is he just having it plain or is he having any sauces? But what she actually said was, what's on your sausage? Just sausage. And he went, aye.

• 46:03Speaker 00

  We will regularly say, when ordering something, when ordering something, if you don't want anything else on it, if you want a plate, you know, what's on your sausage? Just sausage. Aye. So we say that all the time.

• 46:13Speaker 01

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, bah. I've got like a public apology. Not public apology. No, I was watching the Great North Run the other day. Well done, everyone, by the way. Bloody fantastic.

• 46:23Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 46:23Speaker 01

  Um, hot one.

• 46:25Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 46:25Speaker 01

  Hot one.

• 46:26Speaker 00

  Joe McElroy did it in under two hours.

• 46:28Speaker 01

  Oh, he's a machine.

• 46:29Speaker 00

  Fucking animal. Fantastic. Wow.

• 46:30Speaker 01

  My mate's a machine. Like I was at Toby Carvery watching me friends on the app.

• 46:41Speaker 01

  Why am I overweight? Why can't I, why can't I shift a pound?

• 46:48Speaker 00

  Everyone else is doing like in North Run, you're at the Toby Carvery.

• 46:53Speaker 00

  Watching them on your app. Fucking Yorkshire pudding. All right, they're doing well. They're doing so well.

• 46:59Speaker 01

  No, literally.

• 47:00Speaker 00

  Oh God, yeah. More gravy, please.

• 47:04Speaker 01

  I was having me Carvery and I thought I had ages.

• 47:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:07Speaker 01

  Because they were like miles, literally miles away. And then I kept refreshing the app and I was like, God, whip it, a couple of whip it. But my apology is.

• 47:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:16Speaker 01

  To the lady who stopped running to come and chat to us, but I was currently, my friend who I'd gone to see was coming round the roundabout.

• 47:24Speaker 00

  Right.

• 47:24Speaker 01

  And I was videoing.

• 47:25Speaker 00

  Right.

• 47:26Speaker 01

  And she was like, hi. And I was like, I'm sorry.

• 47:29Speaker 00

  I'm filming my friend.

• 47:30Speaker 01

  I'm filming for my friend so I can put it on my WhatsApp group because we're all logged, I like all the way along.

• 47:36Speaker 00

  Right.

• 47:36Speaker 01

  And, and I just felt really rude and I didn't, and I'm really sorry that I didn't really speak to you.

• 47:41Speaker 00

  So she stopped the run. She was doing the run. She stopped the run and told you.

• 47:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, for like, for about three minutes.

• 47:47Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 47:47Speaker 01

  And I felt really terrible, but I, but when you're looking for somebody running.

• 47:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:51Speaker 01

  If you take, like, she would have went past.

• 47:53Speaker 00

  A lot of people come, I get it, I get it.

• 47:54Speaker 01

  She would have went past. It was heaving. So I literally was like, I can't even turn around and speak to you.

• 47:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:59Speaker 01

  I just felt dreadful because I stood and waited and I was like, I can't talk to you. And somebody else hugged us, which was very lovely, but also fucking disgusting.

• 48:13Speaker 00

  Right, for them, because you were covered in fucking gravy and meat.

• 48:15Speaker 01

  Well, that'd be, no, she was listening to the podcast. She was literally listening to the podcast.

• 48:19Speaker 00

  No way.

• 48:19Speaker 01

  So she came and ran over and she was like, Rosie, then she went, agado. And I was like, what the fuck?

• 48:24Speaker 00

  Agado.

• 48:26Speaker 01

  And she gives a hug. But, and bless her, it was absolutely lush. But I was, I was very aware that she had run.

• 48:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:32Speaker 01

  11 miles by this point and I had not run at all.

• 48:35Speaker 00

  How were you filming? How, how could you hold a phone when you had a Yorkshire pudding each time? I don't understand.

• 48:39Speaker 01

  I didn't, I didn't even get the Yorkshire pudding. I don't even get the Yorkshire puddings when I go. I got a plate of, I got pork and veg and three roasties.

• 48:51Speaker 01

  This isn't even my plate!

• 48:54Speaker 00

  What's that?

• 48:55Speaker 01

  It's Housewives reference.

• 48:56Speaker 00

  Oh god.

• 48:56Speaker 01

  Babadu babadu babadu ba. Hey lovely Ramses, hope you're all well.

• 49:00Speaker 00

  We are wonderful, thank you.

• 49:02Speaker 01

  Um, ba ba ba ba, forgive me for being a bit behind on the podcast, but I was listening to episode 322.

• 49:08Speaker 00

  Jesus, fucking hell.

• 49:09Speaker 01

  Holy shit.

• 49:09Speaker 00

  I don't know what we've done. I don't know what we've done anymore, so I don't know.

• 49:12Speaker 01

  God, infinity, trillion, billion.

• 49:14Speaker 00

  Infinity and one, I think.

• 49:16Speaker 01

  You mentioned kids who used to rock up to school with no school bag.

• 49:20Speaker 00

  Ah.

• 49:20Speaker 01

  And wondered where they kept all their stuff.

• 49:21Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 49:22Speaker 01

  So I had to email you. My husband was one of those kids.

• 49:26Speaker 00

  Cool dude, what a guy.

• 49:27Speaker 01

  Do you think?

• 49:28Speaker 00

  Yeah. I'm guessing big inside pocket in a puffer jacket, but carry on.

• 49:31Speaker 01

  Okay, listen. He said he never had a bag and carried his pen in his pocket.

• 49:35Speaker 00

  Ledge, but just so cool.

• 49:37Speaker 01

  I know. Would have, probably would have fancied him.

• 49:39Speaker 00

  Oh, you definitely love him.

• 49:41Speaker 01

  I like the less put together lads, if I'm honest with you.

• 49:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:44Speaker 01

  Bit like, hmm.

• 49:45Speaker 00

  Side note, Carl Hutchinson used to have two bags.

• 49:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, no, I'm all right, thanks, honestly.

• 49:52Speaker 00

  Two bags, one for his books, one for his PE kid.

• 49:54Speaker 01

  Oh god, god love him.

• 49:57Speaker 00

  Head boy in both schools he went to.

• 49:59Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god, Holly, who I used to go to school with, who got head girl over me. Uh, her daughter is now head girl, what the fuck?

• 50:09Speaker 00

  That's incredible, isn't it?

• 50:10Speaker 01

  Fucking nepo, nepo.

• 50:11Speaker 00

  That's been fucking grandfathered in that, yeah, yeah.

• 50:14Speaker 01

  Congratulations.

• 50:15Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 50:16Speaker 01

  No, I'm genuinely well done, that's what an achievement.

• 50:18Speaker 00

  Do you think, do you think that happens often? Do you think if you're head boy or head girl, your kids are?

• 50:24Speaker 01

  Possibly.

• 50:26Speaker 00

  Do you reckon she's actually said, oh you fucking make sure you aim for that, head girl?

• 50:30Speaker 01

  Maybe, yeah.

• 50:30Speaker 00

  Aim for it.

• 50:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:32Speaker 01

  She was bribing someone.

• 50:34Speaker 00

  Definitely, aye.

• 50:34Speaker 01

  No, she was actually a mint head girl, she did very well, but I really wanted head girl.

• 50:38Speaker 00

  What do you mean she was a mint head girl? What did you do?

• 50:39Speaker 01

  I actually don't know, but she was dead sweet.

• 50:41Speaker 00

  Fuck all that bollocks.

• 50:43Speaker 01

  I really wanted to be head girl, I was gutted.

• 50:46Speaker 00

  We've talked about this before.

• 50:46Speaker 01

  Fucking gutted.

• 50:47Speaker 00

  We've got nothing.

• 50:48Speaker 01

  No, but I was prefect, I was first prefect in my family. And possibly still, I might still be the reigning prefect, I don't think there's been one since.

• 50:58Speaker 00

  I thought some of Nina's kids were prefects.

• 51:02Speaker 01

  I'll have to find out.

• 51:03Speaker 00

  Ah, you, you won't find out, will you? You're gonna stick your head in the, you're gonna stick your head in the sand and still live in a world of your creation where you're the only.

• 51:11Speaker 01

  Was Jacob a prefect?

• 51:13Speaker 00

  Probably.

• 51:13Speaker 01

  Maybe, I'll find out, no, I genuinely think it's me.

• 51:16Speaker 00

  Bullshit, absolutely bullshit, I'm ringing everyone this afternoon to find out.

• 51:19Speaker 01

  Find out, yeah. Okay, listen, so, he's cool as fuck, he kept his pen in his pocket, all right?

• 51:25Speaker 00

  Sexy.

• 51:26Speaker 01

  Um, when I asked him where he kept his books, he said...

• 51:31Speaker 01

  This is awful, all right, okay.

• 51:33Speaker 00

  Don't tell us he stashed them somewhere, don't.

• 51:36Speaker 01

  He stashed them, literally, under a nearby hedge.

• 51:44Speaker 01

  And would collect the ones he needed each day?

• 51:47Speaker 00

  That's like a drug dealer.

• 51:49Speaker 01

  And horrible, isn't it?

• 51:51Speaker 00

  What if it was raining?

• 51:52Speaker 01

  Well, I don't know.

• 51:55Speaker 01

  Don't know.

• 51:55Speaker 00

  That's fu- sorry, just put a bag on, what are you doing?

• 51:59Speaker 01

  I've gone off him. I wouldn't, I would have fancied him with the pen, but then I'd be like, where's your books? And he'd be like, oh my bush, I'd go, yeah.

• 52:05Speaker 00

  I went through a phase of not, of not having a bag, right?

• 52:08Speaker 01

  Why?

• 52:09Speaker 00

  But I, I thought it was really cool to not carry a bag.

• 52:11Speaker 01

  God, I loved a bag.

• 52:12Speaker 00

  I was friends with the older kids and a lot of the older kids didn't have them, right? But I remember one of them, can you remember a fire trap?

• 52:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:18Speaker 00

  One of them had a big fire trap, uh, uh, coat.

• 52:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:21Speaker 00

  And his inside pocket, the bottom was gone on the inside pocket, so we could just literally put it in, and it just went into his coat.

• 52:25Speaker 01

  Just around the end, oh god, not so depressing.

• 52:29Speaker 00

  In his coat. Um, but I had like this Nike, like sort of wind runner thing, but it had a toggle on the bottom, so you could tighten it and then fold it under. And I could put the, put them inside me jacket. And because the bottom of the coat was folded under, like my homework diary and that would just sit in there. So on some days I could go in without, and I'd be like, just walk along, I've got a bag, it's cool as fuck, don't care. So you look cool, you look like you don't have your stuff, but you've got your stuff and you care so much that you actually.

• 52:55Speaker 01

  You would never have relaxed.

• 52:56Speaker 00

  No, I remember one time on the way home from school, I, uh, I was doing a history project and I got home and I had all of the pages of my history project that fell out of my jacket. And I went back to the school and I, and I was like panicking and I asked the teacher if I could have a, a textbook. And she said, yes, but the teacher she was with, the male teacher, who was a dick, he said, no, don't let him take it. So she said, no, then I started crying and then she let us have one anyway. And then I walked back home and I retraced my steps and I found them all anyway, all the papers outside the Rosen Crown pub on Prince Albert Road.

• 53:28Speaker 01

  Jesus Christ.

• 53:29Speaker 00

  Honestly, they're gonna make it into a movie, I think. I'm selling the rights.

• 53:34Speaker 00

  Selling the rights to that.

• 53:35Speaker 01

  What a day.

• 53:36Speaker 00

  Uh, I know, uh, I know Steven Spielberg did the Richard Osman books, um, if Spielberg's listening, if you wanna direct that.

• 53:43Speaker 01

  What was the project about?

• 53:44Speaker 00

  Um, I wanna say maybe Romans or something?

• 53:47Speaker 01

  Oh god.

• 53:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 53:48Speaker 01

  Fuck knows, why, why did we go to school, what a crock of shit.

• 53:51Speaker 00

  Great.

• 53:51Speaker 01

  What an absolute crock of shit. I know, I can't remember any, so what?

• 53:55Speaker 00

  But you can't.

• 53:55Speaker 01

  Can't remember anything I learned at school.

• 53:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, a lot of, honestly, Rosie, we're in the minority here, a lot of people go to school, then go to college and use the qualifications and knowledge in their job.

• 54:05Speaker 01

  Nah, nah. Nah.

• 54:07Speaker 00

  Nah.

• 54:08Speaker 01

  Nah.

• 54:08Speaker 00

  You, you were, you were fucking so undeserving of being a prefect, you made me sick.

• 54:12Speaker 01

  It was just because I was a gobshite. It was just because I was a gobshite, they put us on the hardest stairs, they knew I wouldn't let anyone up.

• 54:18Speaker 00

  Nah, there it is. There it is.

• 54:20Speaker 01

  Yeah. Um, what else was I gonna say? And also, all me friends were like prefects, like dead clever, smarty pants. They knew that if they didn't give me a prefect position, I'd have fucking hit the roof.

• 54:33Speaker 00

  No, they knew that if they didn't give you a prefect position, you would just fucking stood there with your mates, putting that off being prefect anyway.

• 54:38Speaker 01

  No, I was such a dick at school, I'd have made a badge, I would have made up me own badge.

• 54:43Speaker 00

  Saddest thing.

• 54:43Speaker 01

  I would have, Chris.

• 54:44Speaker 00

  Saddest thing I've ever heard, yeah.

• 54:46Speaker 01

  I was weird at school, right? Me and Catherine Murphy used to do plays in assembly.

• 54:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:51Speaker 01

  And when I think back to them now, I'm literally like, how did I not get beat up? Like, we would do plays.

• 54:57Speaker 00

  Cause you were prefect, you had a prefect badge on. Freeze, prefect.

• 55:01Speaker 01

  I was in the, I was drama, I was a drama kid.

• 55:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 55:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:04Speaker 00

  What were your plays about?

• 55:05Speaker 01

  Like, sometimes God, but I remember being a pregnant cleaner in one of them and singing and dancing to Children of the Night in the school assembly. And I have no idea what it was about, there was probably some really like meaningful message behind it.

• 55:22Speaker 00

  Doubt it very much.

• 55:23Speaker 01

  I don't remember.

• 55:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 55:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:26Speaker 00

  Well, there we go.

• 55:26Speaker 01

  I know, wild school days, eh? Right.

• 55:30Speaker 00

  Actually, the coolest thing I ever saw in a school assembly was, um, me mate David, who now lives in New Zealand, him and a couple of other lads, I think it was, I don't wanna get the rest of their names wrong, but I'm sure Carl was on the drums. I'm sure I was, might have been Kyle was the other guitarist, anyway, they got up and they did. They were, I don't do me, I knew them all.

• 55:50Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 55:50Speaker 00

  Um, they, uh, did Teenage Dirtbag.

• 55:54Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 55:55Speaker 00

  In the school assembly.

• 55:56Speaker 01

  That's cool.

• 55:56Speaker 00

  Even the like, I got two tickets to, oh.

• 56:00Speaker 01

  That's nice.

• 56:00Speaker 00

  God, it was amazing.

• 56:01Speaker 01

  That's good, I wish I'd done something like that.

• 56:02Speaker 00

  You, walking around the school for the rest of the day, I was like, you must be a fucking rock star. I was next to him, that was me mate. That was me mate doing that, all right, I'm Chris.

• 56:12Speaker 01

  Dear Chris and Rosie, I've just been listening to the episode about things we repeat that other people said, or whatever the title was that came up with, so I just listened. Listen, whatever, the same capital. Um, it reminded me of a few me and my wife say. One is that a few years ago, we were in Spain with our friends, visiting her mum who had moved out there. The mum arranged for us to meet all her new friends at the restaurant, at a restaurant. When we got there, everyone was sat down and someone realised that one of the men, we'll call him Bob, because I can't remember his real name.

• 56:43Speaker 00

  Brilliant.

• 56:43Speaker 01

  Wasn't there? So they asked his wife where he was. She replied in a thick brummy accent, go on Rosie, give it a go.

• 56:51Speaker 00

  Brummy.

• 56:52Speaker 01

  How am you, Bob?

• 56:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, just do your mates, your mate.

• 56:55Speaker 01

  All right.

• 56:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:56Speaker 01

  Um, he couldn't make it that day as he was bleeding from the penis.

• 57:07Speaker 00

  Ah, god, ah, fuck me, I thought it was gonna be a place, he bleeding from the penis.

• 57:16Speaker 01

  As you can imagine, this gets said every time we can't slash don't want to go somewhere.

• 57:22Speaker 01

  I'm bleeding from the penis.

• 57:24Speaker 00

  Right, one, is there any other information?

• 57:26Speaker 01

  Nothing.

• 57:27Speaker 00

  Motherfucker.

• 57:28Speaker 01

  Absolutely nothing.

• 57:29Speaker 00

  And two?

• 57:30Speaker 01

  He bled to death.

• 57:33Speaker 01

  He bled to death from his penis.

• 57:36Speaker 00

  Why is she telling people that?

• 57:38Speaker 01

  Oh god.

• 57:39Speaker 00

  Before dinner?

• 57:40Speaker 01

  But listen, long, long live these people though, I'm sorry, I don't wanna live in a world where people don't tell you exactly what, that would have, that would have made my life, imagine. He's bleeding from the penis. I mean, I'm sorry, sorry what?

• 57:54Speaker 00

  I'd have, I'd have, I'd have passed out, I'd have laughed so much. And I'd have been, I'd have been doing that really disingenuous thing where you're laughing your head off, but going, sorry by the way, I'm totally, I'm so sorry, this, I'm not, rah! And she'd have been sitting going, he's actually not very well.

• 58:09Speaker 01

  He's not very well at all, actually, Bob.

• 58:11Speaker 00

  Jesus Christ.

• 58:12Speaker 01

  What is bleeding from your penis just for?

• 58:15Speaker 00

  I've, touch wood, it's not happened to me before.

• 58:18Speaker 01

  No, no.

• 58:19Speaker 00

  I'd, I mean, I hope he went to the doctor.

• 58:21Speaker 01

  Yeah. Um, another one we heard is from shortly after my wife and I got married. Um, being from the North East, I was still adapting to the Essex accent where my wife is from, and now where I live. Trailer. Um, I'm joking. One day we heard the tail end of a couple having an argument in a car next to us in the car park. As the lady got out, the man shouted at her, get out, you dirty slag!

• 58:46Speaker 01

  I feel like this has happened, am I getting deja vu, we've had another story similar like this?

• 58:49Speaker 00

  Something happened to me similar in the village.

• 58:51Speaker 01

  Right, it was you, it wasn't a story, so it was real life.

• 58:53Speaker 00

  I can't remember, it was like your fanny stinks or something.

• 58:55Speaker 01

  Oh, yes.

• 58:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 58:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, when you were at the pharmacy.

• 58:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 58:58Speaker 01

  All right, okay, well anyway, they've had an argument, he's like.

• 59:00Speaker 00

  Thankfully she was going to the pharmacy.

• 59:01Speaker 01

  Thank god. Uh, so this person's like, get out, you dirty slag! I ain't your ma- you ain't my mother! Yes, I am!

• 59:12Speaker 00

  Does that stand us?

• 59:12Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 59:13Speaker 00

  Aye.

• 59:13Speaker 01

  Brilliant scene. Um, this became our go-to phrase for years, every time one of us got out the car when the other was driving.

• 59:19Speaker 00

  Beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

• 59:20Speaker 01

  Even going so far as to jokingly say to the kids when we drop them off anyway.

• 59:24Speaker 00

  Wonderful.

• 59:25Speaker 01

  However, this massively backfired, uh, on me one day when I was taking my mother-in-law home.

• 59:31Speaker 00

  Oh no.

• 59:32Speaker 01

  With the kids in the back, as we pulled up outside her house, my then four-year-old said at the top of his voice, get out, you dirty slag!

• 59:40Speaker 00

  Oh, and you're worried about, and you're worried about Twister?

• 59:43Speaker 01

  I know, I know.

• 59:47Speaker 01

  This, so, I'm all right, I'm okay, all right, okay.

• 59:50Speaker 00

  You know what you're doing.

• 59:50Speaker 01

  Social services, go CDs, all right? Um, cue abject horror from my mother-in-law. To my shame, I span round in my seat and asked where my son had heard the phrase.

• 1:00:01Speaker 00

  Oh, you shitbag!

• 1:00:03Speaker 01

  Saying he shouldn't repeat it as it wasn't very nice, and I assured her I'd speak to him that night.

• 1:00:08Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 1:00:09Speaker 01

  Sorry, son, but there was no way I was copping the blame for what, for that.

• 1:00:13Speaker 00

  Absolute shit-house, that's so bad. You should have said, look, sorry, that's just a joke we do, like, he's not, you know, it's honestly, it's just an in-joke. Wow. You threw him under the fucking bus.

• 1:00:24Speaker 01

  I know.

• 1:00:24Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 1:00:26Speaker 01

  I drove off as fast as I could laughing, leaving my poor son bewildered as to what on earth just happened.

• 1:00:32Speaker 00

  Sitting there, that normally gets a laugh, that normally gets a massive laugh, everyone joins in, what the fuck is going on?

• 1:00:37Speaker 01

  I always would just keep doing it.

• 1:00:38Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:00:39Speaker 01

  Get out, you dirty slag! Get out, you dirty slag! Babadu babadu babadu ba.

• 1:00:47Speaker 01

  Guys, thank you, thank you so much for listening, thank you for watching, we bloody love yous.

• 1:00:53Speaker 00

  We really, really do, thank you so much, and I'm on tour still, it's on, it's happening, chrishandzycomedy.com for tickets to that. Uh, Chris, uh, sorry, not Chris Ramsey, uh, shagmoidenoid at gmail.com. If you would like to send in an email, and as I move away from the mic, cause I'll reach for my phone, I will tell you that the number, if you wanna send a WhatsApp, is, a voice note, is 07874406650. We bloody love you, thank you so much for everything you've been sending in, we'll button you guys next week.

• 1:01:21Speaker 01

  Bye, have a good week.

• 1:01:22Speaker 00

  Bye.

• 1:01:25Speaker 02

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