Bro Dad, The Agadoo, and sooo many Lady Birds!

On this week's Shagged Married Annoyed there is a lot going on and the new feature is popping off! Thanks for all your brilliant voice notes and emails sharing your sayings that other people say... Plus this week Chris has a new nickname and shares his joy of packing cubes, Rosie reveals some crime drama grievances and the campaign to keep The Agadoo alive starts here! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [email protected] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Coming up on this week's episode of Shag Married and Annoyed, I'm off on tour this week.

• 0:03Speaker 01

  Bye.

• 0:03Speaker 00

  And I bang on about it almost for the entire episode, apologies in advance.

• 0:08Speaker 01

  Chris has got a new nickname.

• 0:09Speaker 00

  I have got a new nickname and I'm trying to make it stick.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  Chris has also come up with a new game that's going to be taking over the nation.

• 0:14Speaker 00

  Honestly, it's going to be everywhere. Bit dangerous, don't fully condone it, but you're going to love it.

• 0:20Speaker 01

  Huge.

• 0:20Speaker 00

  The kids are breaking me heart and I'll explain why.

• 0:23Speaker 01

  Do you want to feel old?

• 0:24Speaker 00

  I never want to feel old.

• 0:26Speaker 01

  We've got beefs.

• 0:27Speaker 00

  And we have got amazing voice notes and emails from you lovely people, mainly on our new segment, which is titled, Stuff You Say That Says About Other People That They Don't Know About.

• 0:38Speaker 01

  That you always say.

• 0:39Speaker 00

  That you always say.

• 0:39Speaker 01

  That you don't know about.

• 0:40Speaker 00

  Oh god, enjoy.

• 0:40Speaker 01

  I love it.

• 0:42Speaker 02

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• 1:12Speaker 01

  Hello, you are listening and possibly watching Shag Married and Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey and my husband, Christopher Ramsey.

• 1:18Speaker 00

  Hello.

• 1:18Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 1:19Speaker 00

  Hello.

• 1:19Speaker 01

  Happy Friday.

• 1:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, it is Friday as you're listening to this.

• 1:23Speaker 01

  It's always Friday.

• 1:23Speaker 00

  But listen, we're starting off on the wrong foot there. Can you please, please use my full, brand new name when addressing me today?

• 1:33Speaker 01

  What is, I don't know this one. What's your new hobby? Hang on.

• 1:36Speaker 00

  No, no, it's not a hobby.

• 1:37Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:38Speaker 00

  No, no, it's just my new name. I get called around the house by my eldest constantly.

• 1:42Speaker 01

  I have no idea.

• 1:44Speaker 00

  Bro Dad.

• 1:45Speaker 01

  Bro Dad?

• 1:46Speaker 00

  Bro Dad. Just.

• 1:48Speaker 01

  What do you mean?

• 1:49Speaker 00

  Just.

• 1:49Speaker 01

  I don't understand.

• 1:50Speaker 00

  Hopefully I can just get it to stick. So obviously he's always talking to his mates, whether he's on Fortnite or whether he's on something chatting with them, or even, you know, when they're round and when he's playing out.

• 2:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:01Speaker 00

  No, bro, bro. So bro, bros always get attention.

• 2:04Speaker 01

  Bro.

• 2:04Speaker 00

  So he says, bro, and then quickly realises I'm not his bro and has to change it to dad.

• 2:09Speaker 01

  Right.

• 2:09Speaker 00

  So all I get is, no, bro dad. Bro dad. Bro dad. Bro dad.

• 2:16Speaker 01

  Oh god bless them.

• 2:17Speaker 00

  So bro dad.

• 2:18Speaker 01

  They're in my bad, them two, them two little cretins are in my bad books.

• 2:22Speaker 00

  Right.

• 2:22Speaker 01

  The new game that they started playing, I'm not okay with it.

• 2:25Speaker 00

  What's the new game?

• 2:25Speaker 01

  The new game of Robin whispering to Rafe, scream when I pretend to hit you. So you clap his hands together and I'll go, pack it in. And Rafe will go, ma! And I'll go pack it in and then they'll start laughing. And I'm like, oh, they're kind of bonding, but.

• 2:42Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's nice. It is nice.

• 2:45Speaker 01

  It is nice.

• 2:45Speaker 00

  But you can't, the thing is, they're our children. So you can't really tell when they're acting or when they're, they're quite good. They've got the gene.

• 2:51Speaker 01

  They're very, yeah, they're very good. But I don't want to talk about them too much because I'm listening to an audiobook at the minute about children who've been online, like YouTube and families and stuff.

• 3:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:03Speaker 01

  Oh, they are, they are traumated up.

• 3:06Speaker 00

  Demag.

• 3:07Speaker 01

  To the hit.

• 3:07Speaker 00

  They're demag, are they?

• 3:08Speaker 01

  Yeah. So I'm trying not to talk about the kids too much.

• 3:11Speaker 00

  Okay, I'll have to delete all the notes I've got today because most of them are about the kids. All my stand-ups about the kids.

• 3:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know.

• 3:18Speaker 00

  It's just bits and pieces, isn't it?

• 3:19Speaker 01

  We're just, basically, I think we're just going to have to pay them off.

• 3:23Speaker 00

  In the future, I just pay them off. Yeah. Well, they're not.

• 3:25Speaker 01

  And be, no, we'll just have to be like.

• 3:26Speaker 00

  Are you sorry?

• 3:27Speaker 01

  You are, no, you are a lot of content.

• 3:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:30Speaker 01

  For, you know, when you were younger, we talked about stuff quite a lot. You are faceless though. Nobody knows what it looked like.

• 3:35Speaker 00

  He has a shiny farthing. And that's all they're getting.

• 3:38Speaker 01

  There's 30 quid.

• 3:39Speaker 00

  What, 35?

• 3:40Speaker 01

  Do you know what I mean?

• 3:40Speaker 00

  Possible 35 pounds.

• 3:41Speaker 01

  I'll tell you what, no, no, let's be, he has a hundred pound metro centre voucher.

• 3:46Speaker 00

  There it is.

• 3:46Speaker 01

  There you go.

• 3:47Speaker 00

  There it is.

• 3:48Speaker 01

  There's a Lego shop.

• 3:49Speaker 00

  Money that you have to spend where I tell you to spend.

• 3:52Speaker 01

  No, but seriously.

• 3:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:54Speaker 01

  It's not good.

• 3:55Speaker 00

  But, sorry, so are you likening us telling a few little anecdotes about our children YouTube week? Are you likening that to the woman who took our kids' beds away for a YouTube thing and had to fucking climb out of a window and go and knock on her neighbour because she had them locked up?

• 4:09Speaker 01

  Ruby Frankie.

• 4:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, her. She was a good fucking laugh.

• 4:10Speaker 01

  It's actually, it's so sad when you, I'm listening to the audiobook now. It's really sad. The stuff that, some of these children, they just don't have childhoods.

• 4:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, because they're just, yeah.

• 4:20Speaker 01

  And if they don't perform, they're like, they're like nine years old. If they don't perform, their parents are like, well, we'll have to move house because we won't be able to have this house anymore. And like, you'll have to go back to school and all this kind of stuff.

• 4:33Speaker 00

  Sorry, they don't go to school?

• 4:34Speaker 01

  Of course they don't go to school. All, they've got jobs. They do YouTube.

• 4:38Speaker 00

  Fucking hell.

• 4:38Speaker 01

  They've had to make laws in certain, I didn't want to get serious because genuinely I'm in a really good mood. So let's keep it, let's keep it light.

• 4:44Speaker 00

  Okay, okay. Let's keep it light. Let's keep it light.

• 4:46Speaker 01

  But also get your kids off the internet. What are they doing on the internet? Why are?

• 4:48Speaker 00

  Get them off the internet, get them off the e-scooters. That's my two things I want to tell you. Right, listen, without further ado, oh no, there is, there is some ado. There's loads of ado.

• 4:56Speaker 01

  Come on then.

• 4:56Speaker 00

  I want to say again.

• 4:57Speaker 01

  Can I sing it?

• 4:58Speaker 00

  What? Can you what?

• 5:00Speaker 01

  Nothing. This introduction's horrible.

• 5:02Speaker 00

  You're going to sing Agadoo, weren't you?

• 5:02Speaker 01

  I was going to sing Agadoo.

• 5:03Speaker 00

  Get them fucking face. Right.

• 5:04Speaker 01

  I will not let Agadoo die. If Agadoo dies, right, I'm sorry, if you, you guys listening or watching at home, say it with me, do not let Agadoo die. These songs, they are sacred and they're part of our culture, history.

• 5:20Speaker 00

  I didn't think this would be the soapbox you picked. Like, there's people out there who.

• 5:24Speaker 01

  It may be upsets us though, Agadoo.

• 5:25Speaker 00

  There's people out there who pick so many things to be.

• 5:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you go to a kids' party now, do you hear Agadoo? You don't.

• 5:31Speaker 00

  Baby Shark in that.

• 5:31Speaker 01

  Baby, fuck off Baby Shark. Agadoo. It's.

• 5:35Speaker 00

  No, we're no it, we're no it, we're no it, we're no it. Fuck off.

• 5:39Speaker 01

  Push pineapple, shake a tree. Ag.

• 5:41Speaker 00

  Doesn't make sense. Push mine apple, shake a tree. Doesn't make any sense.

• 5:43Speaker 01

  Push pineapple, shake a tree. Agadoo, do, do.

• 5:47Speaker 00

  I thought it was mine apple, as in, is this mine apple?

• 5:57Speaker 01

  Is this?

• 5:58Speaker 00

  I don't know what accent that was.

• 6:00Speaker 01

  I think it's German.

• 6:01Speaker 00

  Mine apple?

• 6:02Speaker 01

  Oh no, it's not. Push pineapple, shake a tree. Agadoo, do, do.

• 6:06Speaker 00

  Gush pineapple or push?

• 6:07Speaker 01

  Push. Push pineapple, shake a tree.

• 6:10Speaker 00

  You're pushing a pineapple?

• 6:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think so.

• 6:13Speaker 00

  Doesn't make any sense. At least Baby Shark makes sense.

• 6:15Speaker 01

  Push pineapple, right coffee.

• 6:18Speaker 00

  You don't even know the words.

• 6:19Speaker 01

  To the left, to the right.

• 6:20Speaker 00

  Look at that. Don't let it die.

• 6:20Speaker 01

  Jump up and down onto the knees. Come on, dance every night to the hula melody, the lovely beach in the sky.

• 6:29Speaker 00

  Great. You don't even fucking know it. At least Baby, it's just a collection of bullshit. At least Baby Shark makes sense. There's a Baby Shark, there's a Mammy Shark, there's a Daddy Shark, there's a Grandad Shark, there's a Grandma Shark. You know, they all run around and they're safe at last. What's your problem? So they swim around, they don't run around. What are we talking about?

• 6:44Speaker 01

  Guys, sorry. Let's go on. Let's crack on. I do have some interesting stuff to talk about.

• 6:47Speaker 00

  Great. All I was going to say is, thank you so much for listening. So much for listening. Thank you very much. Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching. What would be catchphrase again? If you're, fuck, if you're a new listener, hello and welcome. If you're, ah, I can't remember it.

• 7:00Speaker 01

  All listener.

• 7:02Speaker 00

  If you're a new listener, hello and welcome. If you're a returning listener, hello and thank you. I think that's what it was.

• 7:07Speaker 01

  It's awful.

• 7:07Speaker 00

  Horrible, isn't it? Right. It is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor.

• 7:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:12Speaker 00

  This week's sponsor is my tour. In conjunction with, because I'm packing for my tour and I go on tour this week.

• 7:20Speaker 01

  Clutching.

• 7:20Speaker 00

  As you listen to this on Friday, I'll be Derby and, eh, no, not Derby. I will be Ipswich Friday night.

• 7:27Speaker 01

  I've never been Ipswich.

• 7:28Speaker 00

  Nice place.

• 7:29Speaker 01

  Is it nice?

• 7:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:30Speaker 01

  Is it partial or is it rough?

• 7:31Speaker 00

  Same as everywhere. Got its bits, got its bits, got its pieces.

• 7:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:35Speaker 00

  And then Ipswich and then what? And then Stoke and then Liverpool this weekend. Liverpool on Sunday.

• 7:39Speaker 01

  Sorry to anyone from Ipswich. I didn't mean to be rude.

• 7:40Speaker 00

  No, no, good gig. Really good gig.

• 7:42Speaker 01

  Oh, good.

• 7:43Speaker 00

  Always good down there. Norwich, Ipswich, that area. Bloody lovely. I'm there for two days. Anyway, it's my tour, but it's in conjunction with the brand new game that I've invented while packing for your tour.

• 7:52Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 7:53Speaker 00

  Before you even slag it off, how good is this fucking game? That I was playing with the kids yesterday.

• 7:57Speaker 01

  The suitcase game?

• 7:58Speaker 00

  Guys, it's the suitcase game. Listen to this. I've invented the greatest game ever. Right. You get a suitcase. Be careful, health and safety are something I'm not, I'm not, I'm not promoting this.

• 8:09Speaker 01

  Trigger warning to anybody who might know somebody who died in a suitcase.

• 8:13Speaker 00

  Wow. Might be one of the most specific trigger warnings anyone's ever done. So it's a big suitcase. I can fit both my children in separately.

• 8:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:22Speaker 00

  They take turns. You put your child in the suitcase, nothing else in it. You zip it up and you wheel them around, lift them and get them into a room, right, into another room in your house. And you put the suitcase down and you go, what room are you in? And they have to guess what room they're in by how much you've moved them and stuff. But you can freak them out. You can like go in circles. I pretended I was lifting them down the stairs and back up the stairs.

• 8:43Speaker 01

  I walked in, right, sorry, this is very visual. I walked in yesterday and Robert, Chris is literally like this, shh, right? And he's just, he's got this suitcase and he's just pretending to walk upstairs in the middle of the room. I was like, what's happening?

• 8:57Speaker 00

  Pretending what's going down the stairs.

• 8:58Speaker 01

  I don't like Rafe's, I don't like what Rafe's invented though.

• 9:01Speaker 00

  Oh, so, yeah. So Rafe's added another element to the game where you drag them in the room you put them in and you go, right, what room are you in? And he'll say, you know, Robin's room. So you zip, you unzip the suitcase and you open it and the reveal is, he sits up and has to say where he is. And his, his end punctuation on the game is the loudest, most blood curdle and squeal you'll ever fucking hear.

• 9:23Speaker 01

  And he'll just stand up and like put his arms back. By the way, I watched them do it about six times yesterday. They've never got it right yet.

• 9:30Speaker 00

  Robin got one right.

• 9:31Speaker 01

  Did he?

• 9:31Speaker 00

  One got one right. What, you got one right? And I went, how did you get it right? And he went, bro, I'm locked in.

• 9:38Speaker 00

  Like, like a golfer, like Scotty Scheffler.

• 9:40Speaker 01

  Really thinking of where he's going.

• 9:41Speaker 00

  I'm locked in. Yeah.

• 9:42Speaker 01

  God, it's a good game.

• 9:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:43Speaker 01

  Well done.

• 9:44Speaker 00

  Fucking great game. I'm really proud of it.

• 9:45Speaker 01

  You're a lovely dad.

• 9:46Speaker 00

  Oh, thank you.

• 9:47Speaker 01

  Oh god, don't you cry.

• 9:50Speaker 01

  Fuck me.

• 9:52Speaker 00

  It's making so much. I don't want to take the piss out of you.

• 9:57Speaker 01

  Oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you. You know, you just went to the cinema the other night without us, by the way.

• 10:01Speaker 00

  Went to the cinema, I watched Spider-Man Brand New Day. The hype is real. One of, one of the best movies I've ever seen in my life. Not just a Marvel movie.

• 10:08Speaker 01

  Well, sadly.

• 10:09Speaker 00

  I laughed. Oh.

• 10:10Speaker 01

  I don't think we could take Rave to a 12A at the cinema. I think that's not, that's very frowned upon. What?

• 10:16Speaker 00

  Fucking people in the cinema, right? Um, first of all, it's a Marvel movie. The credits came on. Four or five people got up and left immediately. I wanted to go fucking casuals. Check yourself.

• 10:28Speaker 00

  I don't want to give anything away, but the whole point in the movie is that in the last one, Doctor Strange did the spell. So that now spoiler alert, if you've never seen the one before.

• 10:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, turn off, off that forward.

• 10:40Speaker 00

  Seen, uh, No Way Home, I think it is, with Doctor Strange in as well. No one knows who Peter Parker is, right?

• 10:49Speaker 01

  The spell.

• 10:50Speaker 00

  There's a moment in the film where that is literally coming to a head with Peter Parker and a different character. It's literally like what you've been waiting for the entire film. It's in the middle of the film and it's like, three people got up and went to the toilet. He sits down and it's with another cat and it's like, okay, and they're basically.

• 11:09Speaker 01

  Were they young?

• 11:09Speaker 00

  No.

• 11:10Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 11:11Speaker 00

  Imagine, imagine the movie was called What's in the Super Secret Box? And on the scene where they open the super secret box, people fuck off to the toilet. I loudly went, imagine going to the toilet now.

• 11:22Speaker 01

  Wow, okay.

• 11:22Speaker 00

  I heckled them while I was going to the toilet. I was furious.

• 11:24Speaker 01

  Do you know what? I've actually got a little bit of, um, of regret. And you know, when you think back to your life, I remember I went to the cinema to see Titanic when I was like 12, just turned 12. And me and my mates were messing on and I thought, I'm ruining this film for people. And that was a really poignant film.

• 11:42Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 11:42Speaker 01

  I didn't watch it. I had to watch it again years later because I messed on. I messed about. I was on the seat. I was like crouching down. I was chucking popcorn off my mates. I was 12, Chris. I was not getting fingered.

• 11:54Speaker 01

  It was the 15s.

• 11:56Speaker 00

  Right. You got a.

• 11:57Speaker 01

  I don't think I've ever been fingered at the cinema.

• 12:00Speaker 00

  Well.

• 12:00Speaker 01

  I've held a hand. Do you remember when you used to hold a hand and you'd just like literally be shitting yourself the whole time?

• 12:05Speaker 00

  In the dark.

• 12:06Speaker 01

  In the dark. You're just a kid and like a boy would hold your hand and you'd just be like, oh my God, oh my God, I can't breathe. I can't think of anything else other than this boy holding my hand.

• 12:14Speaker 00

  I don't even know what the film's about.

• 12:15Speaker 01

  What's this? Oh, oh my God.

• 12:16Speaker 00

  I don't even want to get your popcorn because it's holding my hand.

• 12:18Speaker 01

  Oh my God, when they used to put their arm around you. Also.

• 12:21Speaker 00

  Cinema seat.

• 12:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, also dying, but also I'm so uncomfortable, like so uncomfortable. God.

• 12:27Speaker 00

  Scoliosis much?

• 12:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know. That's why we've all got bad backs. We've had to sit awkwardly in the cinema. Yeah, God, isn't that memories, eh?

• 12:36Speaker 00

  Memories, eh?

• 12:36Speaker 01

  Not memories.

• 12:37Speaker 00

  What were you saying?

• 12:38Speaker 01

  What I was gonna say is, um, you just went to the cinema together and you'd love a cry. And I said, you said to me, oh, it's so sad. Like you got, you, you'll bowl your eyes out. Like it's really sad. And I was like, oh, I can't wait to watch it. Blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I said to Rob and Leah, I went to dad crying. He went, yes. I was like, oh God.

• 12:58Speaker 00

  Hey, I love a cry, mate.

• 12:59Speaker 01

  It's lovely that you cry in front of your sons so that they know that it's fine to cry. Cause why the fuck not?

• 13:06Speaker 00

  Thank you very much.

• 13:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think it's a lovely thing.

• 13:08Speaker 00

  This was also sponsored in conjunction with Packing Cubes. Packing Cubes, it's Tetris for grownups. I use Packing Cubes. It's packed for me too. I use Packing Cubes. I fucking love them.

• 13:18Speaker 01

  I know. Have you never used them before?

• 13:20Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 13:21Speaker 01

  I've sacked them off. I've sacked them off.

• 13:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, they're not your crack. They're very much invented for me.

• 13:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:26Speaker 00

  Gym stuff, all in one bag, all in one cube. Golf stuff, all in one cube. Daytime travel wear, all in one cube. Gig wear, all in one cube.

• 13:34Speaker 01

  Can't live like that. I actually, listen, you can, if you see me about travelling, I'm only going for a couple of days, but I've got all of the bags.

• 13:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:43Speaker 01

  Because now I like, I just put my stuff on the hangers, curl them down inside my bag.

• 13:49Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 13:51Speaker 01

  It's made my life, I swear to God, my life's so much.

• 13:54Speaker 00

  Space in your bags. It's, yeah, you go bags full, but there's like the both top corners.

• 13:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:58Speaker 00

  Obviously because the coat hangers go down like a triangle, both top corners. Absolutely. You could put a fucking football in each top corner.

• 14:03Speaker 01

  Game changer. It's changed my life. Genuinely changed my life. I'm taking one big suitcase today and a smaller suitcase. And honestly, it's gonna be annoying. I'm like, I'm gonna look like a nut out at the train station, but I don't care because I'm like, I'm gonna get there and I'm just gonna take these out and go like that and I'm done.

• 14:18Speaker 00

  It's fine though, because someone will hilariously, when they see you with two suitcases, will say, just a short trip then, is it?

• 14:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:24Speaker 00

  Even though they have no prior fucking knowledge of anything about your life at all.

• 14:28Speaker 01

  I know.

• 14:28Speaker 00

  I know I've said that before. It fucks me off so much.

• 14:30Speaker 01

  Help us because they always do, which I think is lovely. Don't ever stop. But also I'll say, no, thank you. Cause I'm independent as fuck.

• 14:39Speaker 00

  Right.

• 14:41Speaker 01

  And I, and I don't want to stop. We've had this conversation before. I think it is very gentlemanly, but save it for the oldies.

• 14:47Speaker 00

  Ah, okay. Here it is. So this is right. There it goes. So this is just a throwback of last week when someone thought you were a grandparent.

• 14:53Speaker 01

  No, I'm not talking about that. I'm just saying, I'm all right.

• 14:56Speaker 00

  How would you feel if you got on the train and someone, uh, a, a younger man stood up and said, let me help you with them, madam. And you said, no, I'm fine. It's okay. And he went, no, no, come on. And he put them up for you. And then he went, oh, and have my seat. A lady of your age shouldn't be standing. What would you do?

• 15:13Speaker 01

  I'd just say, thank you, young man.

• 15:16Speaker 00

  But I've booked me seat.

• 15:17Speaker 01

  But I've booked me seat and, um, I'm still bleeding.

• 15:23Speaker 00

  Oh, good. Yeah, that'll teach him.

• 15:25Speaker 01

  That'll teach him. Yeah. I'm not Perry.

• 15:29Speaker 01

  Yet.

• 15:30Speaker 00

  Great. Let's crack on it.

• 15:32Speaker 01

  Still wet, wet as a whistle. Not as wet. Tampons are starting to hurt. Fly, sticks.

• 15:38Speaker 00

  Stop, stop, stop it.

• 15:40Speaker 01

  Well, he asked, he said.

• 15:42Speaker 00

  He didn't, he didn't, he didn't.

• 15:45Speaker 01

  Why can't I see him?

• 16:09Speaker 01

  Hello and welcome back. And sorry for the really long intro. We've enjoyed ourselves. I feel really good today.

• 16:14Speaker 00

  I'm very glad.

• 16:15Speaker 01

  I sat down today to do this podcast and I was like, I'm genuinely looking forward to it. Isn't that good?

• 16:20Speaker 00

  Well, we do have a, we do have a nice laugh, don't we? It's really, really nice.

• 16:23Speaker 01

  Maybe I've just, maybe my work ethic's just got a bit better after having a bit of time off. We've had a nice summer.

• 16:27Speaker 00

  We've had a lovely summer. The weather's been lovely. The kids have been great. Ready for it. Back at it. Back at it. Like I say, I go back on tour this week. Special shout out, by the way, to Derby Hull, Plymouth and Blackpool. Pull your fucking fingers out.

• 16:38Speaker 01

  So they're not sold very well.

• 16:39Speaker 00

  They have, they're big rooms.

• 16:41Speaker 01

  Oh guys, come on.

• 16:42Speaker 00

  Blackpool's fucking massive. And I don't know, but it, it, I've sold well over a thousand, but it still looks like it needs to really have a kick up the arse. But I'm happy to go and.

• 16:51Speaker 01

  Come on, Blackpool, come on.

• 16:53Speaker 00

  Listen, Hull, I'm speaking specifically to Hull here. On the last leg of the tour, every, I got so much fucking shit because I hadn't added a date in Hull. And I've added one. Pull your fingers out.

• 17:04Speaker 01

  Don't care.

• 17:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, but it's, it's all good. I'm really looking forward to going back out with the show and it's gonna be great.

• 17:09Speaker 01

  Genuinely. And you know, I don't bullshit. And you know, I'm probably your worst critic ever.

• 17:14Speaker 00

  Great, thank you.

• 17:15Speaker 01

  It's a really good show. It's your best show you've ever done.

• 17:17Speaker 00

  Thank you. That's why I want to go out again. Do it again. Very excited. Plus I'm taking golf clubs. I play a lot of golf during the day. So it's gonna be great. It's just gonna be great.

• 17:24Speaker 01

  Chris.

• 17:24Speaker 00

  What?

• 17:25Speaker 01

  I've ate like half a cabbage.

• 17:27Speaker 00

  Yes. Stupid.

• 17:29Speaker 01

  Why exactly? Like I'm ill.

• 17:31Speaker 00

  No, as never has anyone said, oh my God, I've ate half a cabbage.

• 17:35Speaker 01

  Half a cabbage.

• 17:36Speaker 00

  Does it bloat you? Does it?

• 17:37Speaker 01

  I don't know what it's doing, but it's not great.

• 17:39Speaker 00

  You'll be pumping well later on.

• 17:40Speaker 01

  I will, yeah.

• 17:41Speaker 00

  Great. Glad you're on the train.

• 17:42Speaker 01

  But that's what I do when I'm trying to be good. I've had a very, very generous summer. Haven't we? We have eaten, drank whatever we've wanted. There's been like, yeah, I've just thought, fuck it. I've had a lovely time, but now I'm back there eating healthy. And sometimes my mind goes a bit mad. You know, when you're like, what should I eat? What's healthy? And I've just seen a cabbage and I thought, oh, I'll have a half a cabbage with the leftover lasagna from last night.

• 18:05Speaker 00

  I've never do that. I've just seen a cabbage. I'll have a cabbage. No chance. You had the lasagna?

• 18:10Speaker 01

  I did. But there is bolognese sauce left for you. You can have bolognese. Forget your bolognese.

• 18:15Speaker 00

  Oh, is there still bolognese? Oh, okay.

• 18:17Speaker 01

  There's your tea. There's yours and the kids' tea sorted.

• 18:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, I'm gonna get them, um, just sweets. Cause you're away. When you're away, why should, why should?

• 18:25Speaker 01

  I just want to shake your hand.

• 18:26Speaker 00

  When you're away, they just get sweets. Just sweets. They have pizza, but it's the jelly pizza.

• 18:30Speaker 01

  All right, okay.

• 18:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, massive ones. Massive ones. Massive ones that you're getting asked to. Just, just so I'm the favourite.

• 18:36Speaker 01

  I've got a gripe with the world.

• 18:38Speaker 00

  Great.

• 18:38Speaker 01

  I watched, um, All Her Fault. I've been watching it for about six months on and off. I've got, I've got about nine series going on at the minute and like, that's just how I live.

• 18:48Speaker 00

  It's horrible.

• 18:48Speaker 01

  I know.

• 18:49Speaker 00

  Just horrible.

• 18:49Speaker 01

  But I watch a couple then I go, oh, I'm bored of this. And then I'll go back to it. It was actually really good. Um, but it happened again. It happens on every, and I'm, I'm really fucking, I'm sick and tired of these stupid TV programmes that are like thrillers. And a child gets kidnapped, right? Okay. Spoiler alert. If you haven't seen it, don't listen to the next minute. Um, he gets, he comes back. The night he comes back, right? He's been missing. He's been kidnapped, right?

• 19:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:17Speaker 01

  He's five years old. In one of the scenes, the parents are like, we'll never let him out of our sight. That night, what bed did they put him in, Chris? What bed did they put him in?

• 19:25Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 19:25Speaker 01

  In his own fucking bed, in his own room?

• 19:27Speaker 00

  Ah, right. Okay. I get you.

• 19:29Speaker 01

  In what world?

• 19:31Speaker 00

  Into the west wing you go. I get it.

• 19:33Speaker 01

  Oh, and it's a massive house.

• 19:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:34Speaker 01

  It's a massive house. It's not like a three bed little semi. It's a huge gargantuan mansion.

• 19:40Speaker 00

  An American mansion. Yeah.

• 19:42Speaker 01

  I just don't understand. I don't understand why they're like, he's been missing for days, about no weeks, weeks, whatever. And then he's back and you just put him in his own room. And she was looking for a baby. I was like, how about you just let him in your bed? You fucking bitch. Sorry. Oh, just blows my mind. And I'm like.

• 19:58Speaker 00

  How long was he kidnapped for?

• 20:00Speaker 01

  Like a couple of weeks.

• 20:01Speaker 00

  Jesus Christ. Yeah. Let him in your bed.

• 20:02Speaker 01

  Wasn't a few hours.

• 20:03Speaker 00

  You think the writers would go, had on a second. Do you think the parents would probably just go, come in our bed? I don't know. But then they're probably, they're probably having, um, we've just found our child sex. Um, like they do on every TV show. Cause that's another unrealistic thing. So apologies, apologies for all the people out here who just fuck like all the time. But when it's like, he's been away at work. He walks in the door. We'll just have sex immediately. We've had an argument. We have sex immediately.

• 20:27Speaker 01

  Make up sex. Doesn't exist.

• 20:29Speaker 00

  I'm not having it. I'm not having it.

• 20:31Speaker 01

  If we are not speaking, I do not want to have sex with you. I don't even want to look. I don't want you to touch us. Remember, there's been times when we went arguing, you give us a hug and I'm like, gosh, offers. I don't understand make up sex. Never been a thing. But yeah, like trauma sex. Trauma sex. Like, oh my God, our child's got missing. Let's, let's sex. Let's have sex. Like what? Absolutely. What? Are you joking?

• 20:51Speaker 00

  I just think it's probably written by young, single, cool people. Young, single, childless, cool people who don't understand. And they're like, yeah, these, these people, he's got a dick. She's got a vagina. They probably just have sex now. That's it. Yeah.

• 21:02Speaker 01

  Oh, well, honestly, I think we should write one. I think we should write one because if my five year old got kidnapped for three weeks, he'd be sleeping in my bed until he was 21.

• 21:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:11Speaker 01

  I'm not even joking, like literally, I would, he'd be like, ma'am, I'm going to college. I'd go, you're fucking not. College, what are we, American, uni? Ma'am, I'm going to stay at the halls. Eh, you, you, you'll be wearing your Apple tag at all times.

• 21:26Speaker 00

  Apple tag that I inserted into your skin.

• 21:29Speaker 01

  Just, oh yeah, put him in his own room. Shut up. Lost us then.

• 21:33Speaker 00

  Get you.

• 21:33Speaker 01

  It lost us.

• 21:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:35Speaker 01

  And I think it's because the people who write it think that everyone's stupid. So they're like, but if he's in their bedroom, they'll not recognise it as a child's bedroom and they'll go, oh, he's missing again.

• 21:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, visually, they wanna.

• 21:49Speaker 01

  That's why, that's why they've done it. But me as a mother, me as a mother, I'm like, what?

• 21:54Speaker 00

  I get you. I get it. I feel the same when I see someone, eh, eh, annoyingly, it is, you can't really tell that much with blogs, but when you see a TV show, a drama or something, and they wake up in the morning and they are fully done up.

• 22:09Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 22:10Speaker 00

  Fully made up and you go, oh, where, man?

• 22:11Speaker 01

  I know.

• 22:12Speaker 00

  Fucking no one looks like that when they roll out of bed. Come please.

• 22:15Speaker 01

  I know, it's ridiculous. But sorry, it, I'm just in my brain getting angry because I think I mentioned this when I watched it. This is where it's come from. That documentary I watched where that lass got taken from her bedroom, like they literally put like a hole in the screen, kidnapped her. And then that same night after she'd gone missing, the sister who shared a room with her was like, and I just couldn't sleep. Well, in the same room where your sister was kidnapped from the night before. Your mom and dad thought, oh, well, well.

• 22:44Speaker 00

  We'll tape that hole up.

• 22:45Speaker 01

  What the fuck? She was like, and I just could not get a wink of sleep.

• 22:52Speaker 01

  And I would never sleep again.

• 22:54Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, he's moved.

• 22:55Speaker 01

  We were talking the other, we were talking yesterday when my mum's for dinner and we're talking when we're little about the, the man, bless him, who escaped from.

• 23:02Speaker 00

  I didn't know this story.

• 23:03Speaker 01

  Oh, so.

• 23:04Speaker 00

  Wild story. I'm just gonna move you up.

• 23:06Speaker 01

  What would you call it? The mental health facility?

• 23:09Speaker 00

  There's a, yeah, there's a, there's a mental health facility near where we live.

• 23:12Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 23:13Speaker 00

  Um, and I didn't know this story. You, you told me this yesterday and some guy had escaped when you were children, you were sitting watching the big breakfast.

• 23:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:20Speaker 00

  On a, like, school morning and someone in a fucking gown.

• 23:24Speaker 01

  Why, why did he come to our house?

• 23:26Speaker 00

  No idea.

• 23:26Speaker 01

  The seventh house on the road.

• 23:27Speaker 00

  Maybe he was, I don't know.

• 23:29Speaker 01

  So, yeah, so he was like, he came to the window. We were watching this morning telly.

• 23:34Speaker 00

  I shouldn't laugh, it's so.

• 23:35Speaker 01

  It was Chris. So, okay, this is where, this is, this is why we're different, right? He literally came to the window and he was like, help me. Banging on the window, right?

• 23:44Speaker 00

  In his gown, he had the bracelet on with his.

• 23:46Speaker 01

  Literally, we were just like.

• 23:47Speaker 00

  Tag, hospital.

• 23:50Speaker 01

  We're screaming, right? Like, mum, dad, there's a man in the window. And he's like, help, help me. Horrible, right? And then me memory, what, we ran out, he went off and there was about four people chasing him, like doctors in full like gowns and that and they were chasing him. And I remember he was in the road, running, like some, like, do you know 20, like the days later when it's just nobody there, because it was just morning and they're all running after him. But that night, do you honestly think any of us had a good sleep? Like, we were, we probably were all in my mom and dad's bed.

• 24:25Speaker 00

  Fucking hell.

• 24:26Speaker 01

  Because we, well, actually.

• 24:27Speaker 00

  And he only just knocked on the window.

• 24:29Speaker 01

  And he just knocked on the window. I didn't remember being that traumatised, but Kate.

• 24:33Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 24:33Speaker 01

  Kate was like, I was so traumatised by that.

• 24:37Speaker 00

  They held on to that. That's, that's Kate's, yeah. Kate, Kate.

• 24:40Speaker 01

  Hey, good times.

• 24:41Speaker 00

  Saw that, saw that right into the fabric of her personality.

• 24:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, good times. But yeah, why the fuck did he bang on our window? Mental. We're, we're chatting about some stuff that happened when we were kids and it was just cra- it was a crazy house. Very good.

• 24:57Speaker 03

  Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lululemon fall drop because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it. Lululemon's fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces, so I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece and head out, knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at lululemon.com.

• 25:28Speaker 00

  Speaking of crazy house, um, I, eh, our five-year-old has, um, he's, he's cut me deep.

• 25:36Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 25:36Speaker 00

  He's cut me deep. He's, he's really upset us. So I remember talking about on the podcast, when Robin got about five or six, Robin started, um, getting really annoyed by me farts.

• 25:44Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 25:45Speaker 00

  I remember I was heartbroken because he was like, he was like, daddy, your farts stink, I hate it kind of thing, whereas littlins think they're funny. Now, Rafe's fine with farts. He's not bothered by them at all. You fart and he just laughs. Um, have you, does he ever say that you stink while you're brushing his teeth?

• 26:01Speaker 01

  Like your breath?

• 26:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:02Speaker 01

  Um, he said it in the morning before.

• 26:04Speaker 00

  Right, so.

• 26:05Speaker 01

  Like, ma'am, you stink.

• 26:06Speaker 00

  So to the point of where, I don't know what it is, because I, it was really hurtful this morning because I had brushed my teeth and used mouthwash. So I don't know what the fuck was going on. So I'm brushing his teeth and he's literally, I got his mouth open and I'm good, because yes, he's always brushed his teeth himself and he does sometimes, but now and then I'm like, I'm gonna do it. So I'll do the full two minutes and give him a proper brush because fuck knows what you're doing. So him, not you. So I'm brushing his teeth. I meant him, not you. So I'm brushing his teeth, right? And he goes like, he's got his mouth open, he goes, oh, oh, and he like grabs his nose, he's, oh. So he's devised a system now, because obviously I have to speak.

• 26:36Speaker 01

  God, how bad is it?

• 26:37Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 26:38Speaker 01

  He doesn't do this for me.

• 26:39Speaker 00

  So when I say, and I'm not smelly, I don't have smelly breath. I'm not, you know, we, we hate that kind of thing. Yeah.

• 26:44Speaker 01

  You know I would.

• 26:45Speaker 00

  So he's devised, it's really hurtful. He's devised a system now. So normally I would, so I'll say bite or open wide, right? You know what I mean? If, if he bites, if I say, sometimes cheese, sometimes cheese or bite or open wide, if I'm anything.

• 26:56Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 26:57Speaker 00

  So he's now devised, well, he's devised a system now where he said, basically, if I want, if I want him to open his mouth, and this works for obviously everyone watching on YouTube, but I'll explain. I'll do it first to you, then I'll explain what it is. If I want him to open his mouth, I've got to do that.

• 27:10Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 27:11Speaker 00

  So what I'm doing, guys, is like opening my mouth, like as if my hands are mouth, as if my hands are mouth, like a crocodile, so I've got to do that. And if I want him to shut his mouth, I've got to do that.

• 27:18Speaker 01

  So you can't speak?

• 27:19Speaker 00

  I'm not allowed to talk to him. I have to breathe out with my nose, which apparently still smells, and I'm not allowed to speak to him. And when he, when he brushes, I have to do that and close my hands. We close his mouth and then, and he won't listen. And it's, it's, it's, it's not a good way to start your day, especially when you've already brushed your teeth.

• 27:35Speaker 01

  He gets really annoyed at me. He just hates getting his teeth brushed. He gets annoyed at me because I go, ah, and he goes, ah.

• 27:42Speaker 01

  So passive aggressive.

• 27:45Speaker 00

  Hey, do you wanna feel old?

• 27:47Speaker 01

  No.

• 27:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, you do. Everyone out there. No, got a better one. This is for everyone. Everyone out there, any millennial out there, or even maybe even a little bit of the next generation as well, and obviously the generation above that. Guess what?

• 27:58Speaker 01

  Can you name them?

• 27:59Speaker 00

  Guess what?

• 28:00Speaker 01

  Gen, is it Gen Z after us?

• 28:02Speaker 00

  Gen Z's after us. Boomers are two above us. Gen.

• 28:06Speaker 01

  Gen X.

• 28:07Speaker 00

  X are the ones above us. One, they're one above us, Gen X, I think. Anyway, look, look, if you're around about our age, listen to this.

• 28:13Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 28:14Speaker 00

  The last remaining Blockbuster store in the world hosts school field trips for first graders, learning what life was like when their parents and grandparents were growing up.

• 28:30Speaker 00

  It's in Oregon and their visits, on their visits, they learn about physical media and the rewind rule.

• 28:39Speaker 01

  Oh gosh, it's happened, it's happened. Where, do you know where we are? We're the seventies?

• 28:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:45Speaker 01

  We're the fucking seventies.

• 28:46Speaker 00

  It's worse, this is worse than when, um, this is worse than when I saw that Xbox in that museum in Edinburgh. This is worse than I saw that Xbox.

• 28:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, because if you gave our children a videotape.

• 29:02Speaker 00

  They wouldn't know what the fuck was going on.

• 29:04Speaker 01

  What is this? Even a, a CD, they don't know what CDs are.

• 29:07Speaker 00

  I remember, I remember going to Blockbuster. I, I drove to Blockbuster. I had a car. So I'm seventeen, eighteen, nineteen. I'm driving to Blockbuster and renting videos and renting DVDs, sorry.

• 29:20Speaker 01

  One of the best days of my week was, well, I was a more of a global, global video girl.

• 29:24Speaker 00

  Eh, I was global for a bit. I was just a local one, dodgy local one, which I'm sure did porn if you asked. And then I was global and then I was Blockbuster.

• 29:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:32Speaker 00

  I like global because, can you remember, global used to do the fucking, them hard blue sleeves?

• 29:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, lush.

• 29:39Speaker 00

  Blue plastic. It felt really like.

• 29:41Speaker 01

  And then you could just drop it off in the little bit, in the little envelope thing at the front of the thing. And the popcorn was lovely.

• 29:47Speaker 00

  Yeah. But yeah, absolutely devastating.

• 29:50Speaker 01

  Good times.

• 29:52Speaker 00

  It's time for what's your beef?

• 29:55Speaker 01

  What's your beef with me bitch?

• 29:57Speaker 00

  Ladies first?

• 29:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, do you want me to do? It's actually not that bad. Um, I'm going to wait in London today for work. And it's just a bit upsetting and frustrating that when I go away for work, because you're also going away tomorrow, so we're going to be meeting each other in London. Um, I just, I just have to do everything.

• 30:21Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 30:21Speaker 01

  You just, you go to work, you don't do anything for the kids. Or like, you don't sort out the uniforms, the swimming kits, like make sure that everything's labelled, leaving notes for me mum to make sure everything's done, checking that home and like, it's just, I just do all of the, all of the admin.

• 30:42Speaker 00

  We've got our own jobs, we've said this before, we've got our own jobs, we've got our own things.

• 30:46Speaker 01

  Why do you look, you're looking, you're looking at us horribly.

• 30:48Speaker 00

  Because one happened yesterday, um, we were.

• 30:51Speaker 01

  That's what I'm saying, I don't, it's not that bad because, and but you, but okay, do you know, do you know what I find upsetting? You're very much the more hands-on. Like I know for a fact you're like, we've got our own jobs and you're like, I'll take Robin to the, like, maybe I want to do that. Maybe I want to be the hands-on one and you can do the mental, why don't we swap?

• 31:10Speaker 00

  So, so, no, so, so, so, um, a swap of that nature only can occur when both parties want to swap their thing. If you just want to do the driving and that, you just have to add that onto your pile if I don't want to take your stuff off you. That's just the rules, that's how it works, I'm afraid.

• 31:24Speaker 01

  The most stupidest, ridiculous thing they've ever said. Honestly, any woman, any mother, listen, will hate you now, so well done.

• 31:31Speaker 00

  Bring it on.

• 31:32Speaker 01

  Why don't we, no, let's swap, let's swap.

• 31:34Speaker 00

  Labels on shit?

• 31:34Speaker 01

  Let's swap for a month.

• 31:35Speaker 00

  No, I don't like doing stuff like that.

• 31:37Speaker 01

  Neither do I. Wait, I, I do not have, no.

• 31:41Speaker 00

  That little label thing that you do, the, you have joy on your face when I see you sticking a little label on a pair of little swimming shorts or something. I've never seen you happier. It's unbelievable.

• 31:51Speaker 01

  Chris, don't, the mental load, it's too much.

• 31:53Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 31:53Speaker 01

  It's not fair, but it's not fair that you get to go to work and just be like, bye, family, goodbye. I go to work and I'm like, have I done this? Have I done that? Have I emailed this? It's just.

• 32:04Speaker 00

  Yeah. We've got our jobs, we've got our jobs and they're just not my jobs, I'm afraid. I'm so sorry.

• 32:09Speaker 01

  Wow, okay.

• 32:10Speaker 00

  It's just nothing I can do. Honestly, I wish I could do something, but my hands are tied.

• 32:15Speaker 01

  Are you deliberately being?

• 32:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, deliberately being, yeah, I'm sorry. Listen, my beef with you is.

• 32:21Speaker 01

  We'll get back to that a little later, Dave, by the way, because I'm not.

• 32:24Speaker 00

  Great. You have, you have somehow, I don't know how you did it because I've resisted it for so long, but you've somehow got me on the true crime bandwagon of watching like horrific, horrific fucking things.

• 32:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:41Speaker 00

  For entertainment. Vile.

• 32:43Speaker 01

  You, you sit there, mouth agape.

• 32:46Speaker 00

  Honestly.

• 32:47Speaker 01

  Loving every second.

• 32:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, but it's, it's sometimes like, and I didn't even, we watched, so what, we watched, um, we watched a Mormon one.

• 32:55Speaker 01

  Oh, they're, they're, oh god.

• 32:56Speaker 00

  Sorry, apologies. It's not a, yeah, it's not a Mormon one, it's the fundamental, it's the fundamentalist Mormon one, it's not a Mormon one, it's a fundamentalist, the FLDS. Which by the way.

• 33:05Speaker 01

  I mean horrible.

• 33:05Speaker 00

  Whoever did the fucking acronym for that, it's the worst fucking acronym, acronym in the world. So they're called like fund, it's something like FLDS, but the F stands for six or seven words. And then, and then the LDS is Latter Day Saints. It's like fundamentalists. It's like, yeah, it's like fundamentalist followers of the church of Jesus Christ Latter Day Saints. So it's the worst acronym in the world, but I'll be honest with you, it's not the main problem with them. Um, anyway, we are watching, we, you had me watching the most disgusting, just awful, awful reports of these people having these, just horrible lives. And then it finished and yes, I did enjoy it before I even got a chance

• 33:50Speaker 00

  to ask what was going on, you just quickly put another one on and it was about someone who came into a room and murdered all these people.

• 33:57Speaker 01

  Oh, the Idaho massacre.

• 33:58Speaker 00

  Fucking hell, but it was like.

• 33:59Speaker 01

  It was actually quite recent.

• 34:00Speaker 00

  Yeah. And then we'll go to bed and you're like, Chris, have all the doors locked? And I'm like, ah, I wonder why you're terrified of all the doors not being locked? Because for fun, you watch fucking murder porn. You're a psycho.

• 34:13Speaker 01

  No, I'm aware and I'm, yeah, no, it's a massive red flag.

• 34:16Speaker 00

  It's a huge red flag.

• 34:17Speaker 01

  It's a psychopath trait.

• 34:18Speaker 00

  No, it's a red flag and they said recently, if, if you're dating someone and they're hot and they love true crime, it's a massive red flag. Um, but yeah.

• 34:26Speaker 01

  What, what are you going to do?

• 34:28Speaker 00

  I don't know, just maybe, honestly.

• 34:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, but okay, right, what would you, right, listen to this, okay? You know these people, we, we all know these people, okay, men and women who go about life just fucking no idea, don't know what's going on.

• 34:45Speaker 00

  Either would do that. Yeah, yeah.

• 34:47Speaker 01

  Dead.

• 34:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:48Speaker 01

  Dead. Dead. Me, you see me walking down the street, I'm not, I'm fucking, I'm not listening to you. I'm watching my surroundings, I've got my keys in my hand, ready to stab a bitch. Like, I'm sorry. No, I, you, I'm the one you want to be with. I'm keeping work alive. I know exactly what's going on at all times. And when I'm, when I'm around people who don't, I can't bear it.

• 35:16Speaker 00

  I know what you mean. People who aren't.

• 35:18Speaker 01

  Could you stop, shut up?

• 35:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:20Speaker 01

  Pay attention to the dangers around you, because I'm not, I'm saving myself, I'm not saving you.

• 35:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:26Speaker 01

  Away, be aware, I always watch me drink. You're, sometimes you're like, you know when I go out, you're like, be careful. And I'm like, mate, are you fucking, are you joking? I've been careful since I was 15 years old.

• 35:36Speaker 00

  But I mean, walking through London with you is hard fucking work. I can't answer my phone. I can't answer my phone, I can't look on a map. It's like, Chris, if you're going to look on a map, stand in the doorway with your back of the street and put your bag over your head and your coat under your chin.

• 35:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, because I ain't getting robbed. I ain't getting mugged. No. Sorry, it's not happening. So, yeah, so I watch them, I know what's going on, I'm very aware. So try it.

• 36:00Speaker 00

  Fine. Can't argue with that. Can't be arsed, can't be arsed to argue with that. No, I would just, I would just rather maybe watch, you know, something that isn't about killings and kidnappings all the time. Maybe just watch.

• 36:14Speaker 01

  Real Housewives, Summer House.

• 36:16Speaker 00

  Fair enough.

• 36:17Speaker 01

  Do you know, I watch it all.

• 36:18Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 36:19Speaker 01

  Below Deck, like dramatic, but in a very different way.

• 36:22Speaker 00

  Below Deck where they get the bodies.

• 36:26Speaker 01

  I love it, so I don't care.

• 36:30Speaker 00

  It's time for questions from the public.

• 36:35Speaker 00

  Public. As always, if you'd like to get in touch, it's [email protected] for an email or for a voice note, it's 07874 406650.

• 36:45Speaker 01

  Firstly, just want to say, everybody listening, we love you so much.

• 36:50Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 36:50Speaker 01

  Like, we introduced a new feature on this show. You want to know that everyone's getting in touch.

• 36:54Speaker 00

  Oh, amazing.

• 36:55Speaker 01

  Giving their bits, doing their stuff.

• 36:57Speaker 00

  Is this your new incredibly catchy titled, um, stuff that you say that's about, that sayings that's about other people that they don't know about?

• 37:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:06Speaker 01

  Yeah. Um, loads of people have sent them in, that's basically all we're going to do for questions in the public today. Now, had it, had it, I had a story about like a cum tissue and a dog, I'm not even doing it.

• 37:17Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 37:18Speaker 01

  I might do it at the end.

• 37:19Speaker 00

  Don't you? You've got that to look forward to.

• 37:21Speaker 01

  Um, speaking of dogs, do you remember, this is a saying that from our life, that we did for years, we haven't done for a while.

• 37:26Speaker 00

  Right.

• 37:27Speaker 01

  Do you remember, um, that better not be my dog?

• 37:32Speaker 00

  And you would remember some, that better not be my dog. To anyone who doesn't know, we were walking back from the pub once when we were, when we were single, didn't have kids. We'll walk back from the pub and, uh.

• 37:41Speaker 01

  Out, out a dog, you mean?

• 37:43Speaker 00

  Out a dog, yeah. And there was a lady walking, she was also walking back from the pub and, uh, her kids must have been in the house looking after the dog. And the dog ran out of the road, uh, and a car beeped at the dog and she just went, that better not be my dog. Fucking great.

• 37:58Speaker 01

  Stunning.

• 37:59Speaker 00

  She didn't look like she was going to sound like that. That was the funniest bit. She looked well, well dressed, dare I say, a quite an attractive lady. And she just went, that better not be my dog. Fucking great.

• 38:10Speaker 01

  Beautiful.

• 38:10Speaker 00

  Forgot about that.

• 38:11Speaker 01

  Um, okay, we've got a couple of voice notes. Daisy's starred these ones as a favourite.

• 38:16Speaker 00

  Come on, Daisy.

• 38:17Speaker 04

  Hello, I've got a, what do other people have sayings about people that they don't know for you? One time me and my husband were walking along the streets of Cambridge and laughing a bit about how posh everything is. And then these two lads were coming towards us looking like the most Cambridge stereotype boys you've ever seen in your life. Like it was Quentin and Tarquin, you know, the sort. And we just, as they passed us, we caught the tail end of their conversation. And one of them just goes to the other, mate, I have got so many ladybirds. I just wonder how many ladybirds that boy has got for the rest of my life. Where to keep his ladybirds? Where are the ladybirds? Why has he got so many ladybirds?

• 38:57Speaker 00

  Fucking great.

• 39:01Speaker 00

  So many ladybirds.

• 39:03Speaker 01

  So many ladybirds. Oh, that is beautiful. That's so weird. I just watched a clip from, uh, the new Saturday Night Live, the, the British one.

• 39:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:11Speaker 01

  And they did like a piss take of Made in Chelsea and it's so funny.

• 39:15Speaker 00

  Brilliant.

• 39:15Speaker 01

  It's really good. Um, and that, that would be good. I've got so many ladybirds.

• 39:20Speaker 00

  I've got so many ladybirds.

• 39:21Speaker 01

  Oh god, how the hell is that a flavour? Um, he's talking about women, isn't he?

• 39:26Speaker 00

  I'm not sure. He might be talking about actual ladybirds.

• 39:28Speaker 01

  Ladybirds.

• 39:29Speaker 00

  You don't know.

• 39:30Speaker 01

  Are they ladybirds or ladybugs?

• 39:31Speaker 00

  Ladybirds here, ladybugs in America.

• 39:33Speaker 01

  Okay, that, I've wanted to know that for years. Okay, ladybirds.

• 39:38Speaker 00

  So many ladybirds.

• 39:39Speaker 01

  So many ladybirds. Oh, that's one of my favourite ones.

• 39:42Speaker 00

  I love overhearing little bits of people's life. I've definitely told you about when Carl Hutchinson came out of Asda and there was two lads sitting eating donuts, you know that, don't you?

• 39:49Speaker 01

  I've, no, no, got, hang on, stop the press.

• 39:53Speaker 00

  You don't know this.

• 39:53Speaker 01

  The Carl Hutchinson story that I've never heard.

• 39:55Speaker 00

  Are you sure?

• 39:56Speaker 01

  I've, doesn't ring a bell. Come on, I'm, I'm ready.

• 39:59Speaker 00

  We talk about it all the time. So Carl's walking out of Asda, uh, one in Gosforth. He's walking out.

• 40:05Speaker 01

  It's a nice Asda.

• 40:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, and there's two lads sitting like, you know, like sort of, you know, tracksuits, caps, just sitting there on this little wall outside of it. And each of them have got like a whoopsie going out of day to day, pack of 12 donuts each.

• 40:22Speaker 01

  Amazing. Okay, I'm invested.

• 40:24Speaker 00

  And they're eating the donuts and they're both like eating them and Carl walks past and one of them goes to the other one.

• 40:35Speaker 00

  They're rank these like on the, and the other one goes, aye, just get them down you though.

• 40:49Speaker 00

  To this day, we don't know why, but they're just, I don't know, they're just eating. So they must have been like, you know, 25 pence each or something.

• 40:59Speaker 01

  Oh no, we're not one.

• 41:01Speaker 00

  They're just fucking scrannin' them. Ah nah, well they rank these, ah nah, just get them down you man. And they're just inexplicably shoveling rupsey donuts down the fit. And I remember he told us it, and it's one of them ones that I was annoyed that he told us. Cause I want to know so badly why they needed to eat them donuts. I think they either had loads to drink, or they'd had drugs and they needed something in them.

• 41:24Speaker 01

  Right, okay.

• 41:24Speaker 00

  Maybe.

• 41:25Speaker 01

  Just get them down you.

• 41:27Speaker 00

  Rank these like, ah nah, just get them down you.

• 41:30Speaker 01

  No, I've never heard that before. It's beautiful.

• 41:31Speaker 00

  Fucking throwing them down their necks. Just on the wall outside, just gutted.

• 41:38Speaker 01

  Oh, I enjoyed that a lot. Right, hang on. Right, we've got another, um, we've got another one here.

• 41:42Speaker 00

  Can I just say, I love the voice notes. Please keep them coming. It's so lovely to hear your voices.

• 41:46Speaker 01

  Um, summoning little bits.

• 41:49Speaker 05

  Hi Chris and Rosie, American here. I just finished listening to this week's episode where y'all were talking about

• 41:56Speaker 00

  Yo!

• 41:56Speaker 05

  sayings you have for other people that you say to each other, or whatever it's called. And, um, my partner and I were hiking in the desert one time. And this British man came up to us and he didn't have any water in the desert. And he said to us, do you have any water? I've got heat stroke. And my partner and I quote that to each other all the time. I've got heat stroke.

• 42:23Speaker 05

  Not to make fun of y'all's accents.

• 42:27Speaker 00

  Fucking, do you have any water? I've got heat stroke. Fucking Russell Brand.

• 42:39Speaker 00

  Governor, I've got heat stroke, governor.

• 42:43Speaker 01

  Oh god.

• 42:44Speaker 00

  That's great. That's fantastic.

• 42:46Speaker 01

  I've just remembered another one, an American one, years ago. Um, somebody, my old, like, group of friends when I was a kid that all went to uni at Leeds. And one of the girls, um, she was called Rendi. And she just introduced herself. She was like, my name's Rendi. It's like Wendy with an R.

• 43:04Speaker 00

  I've heard you say that loads of times. My name's Rendi. It's Wendy with an R.

• 43:09Speaker 01

  My name's Rendi. It's, uh, like Wendy with an R. I'm like, oh, Rendi. Funny. Oh god.

• 43:14Speaker 00

  I've got heat stroke. Fantastic. Fucking great. Thank you for them.

• 43:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:23Speaker 03

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• 43:54Speaker 01

  Hi Chris and Rosie, very long listener from back in the Covid days. First time messenger, hello.

• 43:59Speaker 00

  Hi.

• 44:00Speaker 01

  You asked about quotes that are in families that no one else would understand. That's actually quite a nice one.

• 44:04Speaker 00

  That's a nice, yeah.

• 44:06Speaker 01

  We'll come up with a name.

• 44:07Speaker 00

  Not using enough words for that title.

• 44:10Speaker 01

  Um, we were out in the car on our way to Col- Clomany. Cl- C L O M A N Y in, um, County Donegal in Ireland.

• 44:22Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 44:23Speaker 01

  Donegal. Sorry, I'm really sorry.

• 44:25Speaker 00

  Donegal. I do believe it's Donegal.

• 44:27Speaker 01

  Jesus Christ.

• 44:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:28Speaker 01

  Oh, I hate it when people mispronounce places. I'm so sorry.

• 44:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, sorry everyone.

• 44:31Speaker 01

  That was awful to listen to, to Irish listeners. Anyway, right, they're in Ireland. Um, they're down narrow country roads in our Dacia Duster. Dacia?

• 44:40Speaker 00

  Stop, just car, just say car.

• 44:42Speaker 01

  Why don't you, why don't you read them then? Right, in the car. Um, we met a woman, we met-

• 44:49Speaker 00

  Kind of cars?

• 44:50Speaker 01

  Well, you'll find out.

• 44:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:52Speaker 01

  We met a woman coming towards us in her big, brand new Range Rover and she could not drive.

• 44:57Speaker 00

  Right.

• 44:57Speaker 01

  Okay, bad driver. We pulled in and tried to let her pass, but she got very upset with us and rolled her window down and shouted at us, I paid for this car, you know?

• 45:10Speaker 01

  And drove off.

• 45:12Speaker 01

  Now, if we happen to come, um, come across road rage, our 10-year-old and 7-year-old roar from the back, we paid for this car, you know?

• 45:21Speaker 01

  And that's, uh, Sinead Finn, who are 10, and Ruby who's seven. Thank you so much for that.

• 45:27Speaker 00

  Wonderful.

• 45:27Speaker 01

  Um, but I actually, listen, as a Range Rover owner, thank you very much. And I always say this to you, don't I? Men

• 45:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:37Speaker 01

  hate me in my Range Rover. They fucking hate me because I-

• 45:41Speaker 00

  It's because they know what I bought you. It's your husband's.

• 45:43Speaker 01

  So I'm gonna actually, I'm gonna coin this phrase myself.

• 45:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:48Speaker 01

  The next man that gives me any shit while I'm driving my Range Rover, I'm gonna wind the window down and go, I paid for this car, you know?

• 45:54Speaker 00

  You're convinced that all men who give you any kind of look in the Range Rover think that I've, that you're just in your husband's car.

• 46:00Speaker 01

  I'm just some footballer's wife or something like that, or-

• 46:04Speaker 00

  Rosie.

• 46:06Speaker 00

  Come on.

• 46:06Speaker 01

  This-

• 46:07Speaker 00

  Retired footballer. Retired footballer's wife.

• 46:10Speaker 01

  Are you taking, no.

• 46:11Speaker 00

  You seen the football? Rosie, I drive past the Sunderland Academy man now and then, when I'm, when I'm up in our, in that neck of the woods. They're like fucking children, man. Some of them, one of them was pulling in in a sports car. He had dated, not old enough to drive.

• 46:23Speaker 01

  I know, they are, they are children.

• 46:25Speaker 00

  Unbelievable.

• 46:25Speaker 01

  All right then, well, not footballers, but they think, they basically think you-

• 46:28Speaker 00

  Football manager's wife.

• 46:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:30Speaker 00

  Football manager's wife.

• 46:32Speaker 01

  Sponsor.

• 46:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:33Speaker 01

  I married somebody who really invested and really worked hard with their few GCSEs that they had. And they now have this massive company and they sponsor them. I'm married to them.

• 46:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:45Speaker 01

  And I'm driving around in his Range Rover and everyone hates it.

• 46:47Speaker 00

  You were his first wife. You were his first wife and he's, he's, you're rinsing him in the divorce, but he's left him for much younger, much younger ago. Uh, someone who doesn't get called a grandma at weddings. He's left you, you're gone. Old news.

• 47:01Speaker 01

  Me Range Rover's 10 years old.

• 47:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:04Speaker 01

  But people still hate it. I got it in the divorce.

• 47:06Speaker 00

  It's yours.

• 47:06Speaker 01

  Yeah. But in real life-

• 47:08Speaker 00

  That's what people think.

• 47:09Speaker 01

  In real life, I bought my car with my money.

• 47:12Speaker 00

  I paid for this car, you know?

• 47:13Speaker 01

  I paid for this car, you know? So that's what I'm gonna start saying.

• 47:18Speaker 01

  Hi Rosie and Chris, an entry for the catchy new segment. In my-

• 47:24Speaker 01

  They forgot what it was called.

• 47:25Speaker 00

  Good.

• 47:25Speaker 01

  In my local pub, there was a regular that would prop up the bar drinking whiskey. And he gave me and a friend two sayings that we still use at least 10 years later. The guy has since passed, but coined two phrases that I'll never forget. Note that this pub is in Musselburgh, Burg. Musselburgh?

• 47:44Speaker 00

  Musselburgh.

• 47:45Speaker 01

  Musselburgh?

• 47:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 47:45Speaker 01

  So time for Rosie's Scottish accent. Hawkeye, ready?

• 47:52Speaker 01

  And you know what's really upsetting? Recently, I was at the Edinburgh Fringe, not one fucking Scottish person.

• 47:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:57Speaker 01

  Where were all the Scottish people?

• 47:58Speaker 00

  They'll fuck off. They go for the first, they go for the first weekend. You get all the Scottish in on the first weekend.

• 48:03Speaker 01

  Not one.

• 48:03Speaker 00

  Um, and then they just fucking leave. I just won't blame them.

• 48:06Speaker 01

  Okay. Right, ready? Once when I stood next to him at the urinal trough, he drunkenly said, nothing better than a piss.

• 48:16Speaker 01

  So of course we repeat that whenever going for a way in a pub.

• 48:27Speaker 01

  You've got a better, you do it in your Scottish accent?

• 48:29Speaker 00

  Uh, nothing better than a piss.

• 48:32Speaker 01

  Oh, oh god.

• 48:35Speaker 01

  Kevin, you're Kevin Bridges. You've just listened to Kevin Bridges for too long.

• 48:38Speaker 00

  It is, yeah, I just-

• 48:40Speaker 01

  Right, ready?

• 48:41Speaker 00

  And empty.

• 48:42Speaker 01

  And empty. He also once asked why we were sitting in a small town pub and said we should be up the turn chugging our way.

• 48:52Speaker 01

  Which has been repeated, repeated loads since whenever anyone is talking about having a big night out. Oh, I love that.

• 48:59Speaker 00

  I tell you what, right, in this, because I go on tour this week, in the spirit of going on tour, I'll give you a couple from the tour, actually.

• 49:05Speaker 01

  Okay, come on. Oh god, I'll know these.

• 49:07Speaker 00

  You will know them. I'm sure I've had them before.

• 49:10Speaker 01

  Do you think I could finish them?

• 49:11Speaker 00

  Oh, here we go, because I've told you them before. Okay, there we go. Right. Me and Carl are in a service station. We are walking into the service station toilets. Uh, there is a man, a man in work gear, walking out with his friend. He's quite distraught. He says this to his friend and we can't believe it.

• 49:29Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 49:30Speaker 00

  It's a complaint.

• 49:32Speaker 01

  I don't know that one. Oh no, I'm so upset.

• 49:34Speaker 00

  He's walking out with his mate and we just heard him go to his mate, I still can't piss.

• 49:41Speaker 01

  I don't know that one.

• 49:43Speaker 00

  Fucking lost it. We talked about it for days.

• 49:48Speaker 01

  Okay. I thought you were gonna do a more, there's loads of that ones. Come on.

• 49:53Speaker 00

  But yeah, I still, I still can't, that's what, he walked past on the way out and we were walking in, I still, I still can't piss. That's what he said. We fucking couldn't believe it. Um, okay. We are in a service station again. Um, there is a KFC.

• 50:07Speaker 01

  I don't want a pack of ham.

• 50:09Speaker 00

  No, that's a different one. That's a different one. That's what, that's what I said to Carl.

• 50:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:12Speaker 00

  Carl asked me at 3 o'clock in the morning if I wanted a pack of ham and I went, no, I don't want a pack of ham. And everyone said pack of ham. We are in a service station, the KFC, the shutters are down, half down on the KFC. The staff are in, it's not open yet. There was a man standing with his wife.

• 50:27Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 50:30Speaker 00

  What does he say?

• 50:31Speaker 01

  Should have went to Burger King.

• 50:33Speaker 00

  Close, very close.

• 50:35Speaker 01

  Oh no, this wouldn't happen at Burger King.

• 50:38Speaker 00

  He looked at the shutters and he looked at the sign that said what time it opened and he went, "Closed? It's half twelve." And he turned to his wife and he went, "I want Burger King."

• 50:56Speaker 00

  Fucking lost it.

• 50:57Speaker 01

  And he was speaking about Burger King. But one more.

• 51:00Speaker 00

  Do I have another one? I don't know if I've got another one, you know, off the top of my head.

• 51:05Speaker 01

  Fair enough.

• 51:05Speaker 00

  Oh, so once, you won't know this one, once we were trying to get a late checkout, sorry, and this bloke was standing there and we were like, "Is there any chance we could get..." And we said "late" and he knew and he went, "I can't, I can't." And he was shaking his head, "I can't." And we're going, "Well, is there anyone?" And he's like, "I can't, I can't." And he just wouldn't. So for ages, when someone asked you for something that you didn't want to get, you were just, "Carboclo, can you move that man?" I go, "I can't, I just can't, I can't." Fucking wanted to punch his head in. Right, carry on.

• 51:36Speaker 01

  Well, we did that for, we did that for years after we watched that, that programme about like Frankenstein. Yes.

• 51:44Speaker 00

  Or Penny Dreadful.

• 51:45Speaker 01

  Penny Dreadful. Yes.

• 51:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 51:48Speaker 01

  Anytime one of the characters said yes, he'd go, "Yes."

• 51:51Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 51:51Speaker 01

  And also, this has been our full marriage.

• 51:56Speaker 00

  Restaurant, oh, Gordon Ramsay, restaurant. Whenever I say restaurant.

• 52:00Speaker 01

  There's loads.

• 52:00Speaker 00

  Restaurant.

• 52:01Speaker 01

  There's loads.

• 52:02Speaker 00

  Great.

• 52:02Speaker 01

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, bah. Right, listen.

• 52:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:05Speaker 01

  A few months after my separation, I decided to delve into the world of online dating apps.

• 52:10Speaker 00

  Love, love one of these.

• 52:11Speaker 01

  Love this. And I feel really terrible. Do you know I went to see Jess Fuchs at Edinburgh? She's a stand-up comedian, so funny, Australian, absolutely brilliant, loved her show, it was really, really good. And she was talking about dating apps and she's obviously got like, she's thirty, so I'm ten years older.

• 52:31Speaker 00

  Right.

• 52:31Speaker 01

  And she was like, in the room, like, "Who's used dating apps?" People were like, "Yeah, who hasn't?" And I was like, "Woo." And she was like, "What do you mean, you've never used them?" And I was like, "Oh." And I, but I mean horribly, I went, "Oh, I'm married." She was like, "All right, fucking hell, show off." But I was like, "No, they weren't, when we got married, they weren't a big thing."

• 52:46Speaker 00

  When I was single, dating apps weren't a thing. It was a really odd thing, a dating app.

• 52:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, but they've obviously come a long way in the last twelve years.

• 52:53Speaker 00

  They're now just, they're now how it's done.

• 52:55Speaker 01

  Yeah. So, but I just was like, I sounded like such a dick.

• 52:57Speaker 00

  I'm really, really, really glad I missed the dating app thing.

• 53:01Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 53:01Speaker 00

  I'm really glad I missed it.

• 53:02Speaker 01

  Why?

• 53:03Speaker 00

  I don't know. I just feel, I just, I just don't think it would have been good for me.

• 53:08Speaker 01

  I, in a way though, I think they're better because the, the way you met people before was like having a kiss and then...

• 53:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, no, no.

• 53:16Speaker 01

  And then standing back and going, "Am I actually attracted to you?"

• 53:19Speaker 00

  Not saying they're bad for people, I'm just saying, I don't think it would have been good for me.

• 53:22Speaker 01

  Why?

• 53:23Speaker 00

  Don't know.

• 53:24Speaker 01

  Mental health wise.

• 53:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, I just think it would have been a bit like, it'd be like fucking Pokemon Go, man, I'd have got obsessed.

• 53:31Speaker 01

  Like finding people.

• 53:33Speaker 00

  Like swiping, "Oh, oh, he has a better one, swipe. Oh no, he has a better one."

• 53:36Speaker 01

  Jesus.

• 53:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, I just think.

• 53:37Speaker 01

  Oh, what, like women are commodities?

• 53:40Speaker 00

  Yeah. No, things, not commodities, things, possessions.

• 53:45Speaker 01

  I know you're joking.

• 53:46Speaker 00

  I'm kidding, everyone knows I'm kidding, I'm joking.

• 53:48Speaker 01

  You're so pussy whipped in this relationship. You come on here, it's the same when people are at the house.

• 53:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 53:53Speaker 01

  It's ridiculous the way you go on.

• 53:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 53:54Speaker 01

  You speak to me like a piece of shit and I'm like, I say to everyone, I'm like, "This is wild because you're crawling on my backside 24/7. As soon as you've got an audience, you're a dick."

• 54:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's kind of my brand.

• 54:05Speaker 01

  It's fucking, we hear this, but it's funny. Listen, shut up.

• 54:11Speaker 01

  She's delving into the words of dating apps.

• 54:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:14Speaker 01

  I was chatting with an, and I feel like this is something that would happen to me. I was chatting with a nice guy for a while and we came to a mutual agreement that we would meet up just for a bit of no strings fun, no drama.

• 54:25Speaker 00

  Mutual agreement for that?

• 54:26Speaker 01

  Mutual, adults.

• 54:27Speaker 00

  Bloody enjoy yourselves, kids.

• 54:29Speaker 01

  You know what I mean?

• 54:29Speaker 00

  Honestly.

• 54:30Speaker 01

  We'd been to my place a few times, but before our last meeting, he explained that he may have to cancel because his cat was ill. And the vet said she shouldn't be left alone. Now, listen, this may be ick-worthy, ick-worthy to many, but I was understanding. I'm an animal lover after all. So she's like, "I like cats, your cat's not very well. Like, you've got to, got to allow for some stuff."

• 54:56Speaker 00

  I don't believe it. I find it to be an excuse. I think cats are quite independent, but carry on.

• 55:00Speaker 01

  Who knows? He then suggested that I come to his house because the cat's not well.

• 55:04Speaker 00

  Oh, I couldn't see him, he said, "Cat, yeah, yeah, sexy."

• 55:07Speaker 01

  Cat cough all over you.

• 55:08Speaker 00

  Cat cough.

• 55:10Speaker 01

  That actually sounded like a cat coughing.

• 55:12Speaker 00

  Great. No, no, didn't.

• 55:14Speaker 01

  As I didn't drive, he offered to pick me up and said he would drop me off afterwards. It was nice. For context, he lived about twenty to thirty minutes' drive from me in a different city.

• 55:24Speaker 00

  Leaving the cat alone for an hour then?

• 55:27Speaker 01

  Is he?

• 55:28Speaker 00

  Oh, no. Oh, no.

• 55:31Speaker 01

  The time comes.

• 55:32Speaker 00

  Oh, God.

• 55:34Speaker 00

  Come on then.

• 55:34Speaker 01

  I still can't breathe.

• 55:36Speaker 00

  I still can't piss. Right, come on.

• 55:40Speaker 01

  The time comes and I get a text to say he's outside. I walk towards his car and notice something in the front seat. He'd brought the cat, Chris, comfortable in its cage in the front seat. So here I am, travelling down the road on our way to a booty call in the backseat of his car.

• 55:58Speaker 00

  No, no, he put her in the back.

• 56:01Speaker 01

  When I say this is an ick, it's me, I'm the ick. I'm a grown ass woman in her thirties, sat in the backseat of a three-door car, so I had to climb behind the driver's seat to get in while his cat... While his cat is pride of place next to him. And it's, it's just carried on. She says, "I have cats. I'm sure it would have been okay during that time. And I would have been perfectly okay with cancelling if he felt he couldn't be away from his precious kitty."

• 56:26Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 56:27Speaker 01

  And in case you're wondering, they're still shagged, she's still shagged him.

• 56:30Speaker 00

  Outrageous.

• 56:31Speaker 01

  After we finished the deed, he packed the cat, he packed the cat back up in a little cage, shot me in the back of his car and drove me home again. Didn't see him again after that.

• 56:40Speaker 00

  Fucking demoralising. That is so...

• 56:42Speaker 01

  Why couldn't the cat have gone in the back?

• 56:43Speaker 00

  Because it's a three-door and it's obviously a big cage.

• 56:45Speaker 01

  Why couldn't he have left the cat at home in the, in the cage?

• 56:47Speaker 00

  It's an hour, he's told, the vet said he can't. Look, it all checks out now. I'm, I'm sorry, I, I honestly, I doubted the guy. He's a hundred percent, he's, he's, he's telling the truth here, but you put the, my mate took me for...

• 56:58Speaker 01

  No, I've got, I've... Honestly?

• 57:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:01Speaker 01

  Okay. He really likes her.

• 57:04Speaker 00

  He did, but he's fucking ruined it, hasn't he?

• 57:06Speaker 01

  Kind of, but in, me, when I was single, I'd be like, "He really likes me because he's drove all this way with his cat."

• 57:13Speaker 00

  For a shag.

• 57:14Speaker 01

  That, yeah, yeah, okay.

• 57:17Speaker 00

  But my point, I went, my mate took us for a curry last night. We had a couple of beers and then he didn't drink, he took us for, and I had to climb in the back of the three-door. And it was, it's a fucking nightmare climbing in the back of a three-door. So you can't, if it's a big square case, big square cage, you're not built to get it in. So, yeah.

• 57:30Speaker 01

  But he like, he really likes her though.

• 57:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, but she sat in the back, she sat in the back while an ill cat, I mean, I can't imagine what smells or noises this cat was giving off on a thirty-minute drive for a shag and then packed the cat back up for thirty minutes.

• 57:42Speaker 01

  Why couldn't just stay over?

• 57:44Speaker 00

  Cat's not well.

• 57:48Speaker 00

  What if he's got to take the cat hospital in the middle of the night?

• 57:49Speaker 01

  Oh, no. I put, oh, do you want to hear something rogue? Are we going to lose listeners?

• 57:54Speaker 00

  Don't, don't, don't.

• 57:57Speaker 01

  What?

• 57:58Speaker 00

  Don't, because we know, we know, like, everyone...

• 58:00Speaker 01

  I wouldn't have gone out with someone who's got a cat.

• 58:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, someone, someone prefers cats or dogs. You, I haven't said this on here actually, you famously recently said, I wrote it down, I've never found a way to crowbar it in, but I'm going to crowbar it in now.

• 58:11Speaker 01

  No, am I going to get cancelled?

• 58:12Speaker 00

  No, no, it's, it's, it's, it's so stupid, it makes sense, which annoyed us. I hate it when you do this. I hate it when you say something so stupid that it makes sense. Obviously, everyone out there, some people prefer cats, some people prefer dogs, it's the fucking tail as old as time. Congratulations if you prefer cats or dogs.

• 58:27Speaker 01

  I would never treat that, like I'm saying, I would never wish ill will to a cat.

• 58:30Speaker 00

  Of course not.

• 58:30Speaker 01

  I just, I'm not a fan of them.

• 58:32Speaker 00

  And I, I, again, when we had Russell Kane on, please get me on, his fucking cats were incredible, the best cats I've ever met. And Carl's old cat was lovely.

• 58:39Speaker 01

  I've met some nice ones.

• 58:40Speaker 00

  I've met some lovely cats, but listen, right?

• 58:41Speaker 01

  Met some horrible ones.

• 58:42Speaker 00

  You said, we were talking about getting a dog or a cat. Can you remember why you said you wouldn't get a cat? And it wasn't that they'd climb all over your benches or that they, you know, they, they'd bring mice in or they'd just fuck off out of your house for a while. Can you remember the reason you gave? What I found so stupid, then it almost made sense a bit when I thought about it.

• 59:00Speaker 01

  No.

• 59:01Speaker 00

  Cats never smile.

• 59:05Speaker 01

  They don't?

• 59:07Speaker 01

  They never, they never look happy? How do you know a cat's happy?

• 59:11Speaker 01

  How do you know a cat's happy? Like, do they purr and that? I don't know.

• 59:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, they purr, yeah, yeah.

• 59:16Speaker 01

  No, I need, I need visual cues.

• 59:19Speaker 00

  Dogs don't smile, they're just...

• 59:20Speaker 01

  Oh, they're looking buzzing though. Oh, whatever. No, don't, no, no, no. And the tails, no, that's what I need. I can't do...

• 59:31Speaker 00

  I know what you mean.

• 59:32Speaker 01

  No, thank you. Like, don't...

• 59:34Speaker 00

  I don't think, I don't think your personality suits a cat.

• 59:36Speaker 01

  No.

• 59:37Speaker 00

  No.

• 59:37Speaker 01

  But can I tell you right now, if we got one, I would bloody love it. Like, this is the thing.

• 59:41Speaker 00

  Of course you would.

• 59:41Speaker 01

  I would, I'd become attached to things, but I just, I don't like how independent they are. I need some, I need to be needed. That's why I need a dog. I need a dog to be obsessed with us. I need my kids to need us.

• 59:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:52Speaker 01

  A cat would just be like, "Fuck you, you fat bitch." And I know it would, I know that's what they'd be thinking. I know they would, they would. You'd sit, you'd sit, the party bag of minstrels would be like, "You are a fucking fat bitch and I'm ashamed to be here in this house." That's what a cat would be thinking about me. And I'd go, and I'd see it and it'd smile with soulless eyes. And I'd go, "Damn it." Nah, so no, we're not getting a cat. It would hate me, it would hate me, like scratches when I'm asleep and that. Yeah, fat bitch, it would hate us. Unless I've got a fat cat, little Garfield.

• 1:00:28Speaker 00

  No, don't have fat animals, it's not fair, it's not fair on the animals.

• 1:00:31Speaker 01

  There's currently a thing on Real Housewives at the minute, I know I talk about Real Housewives, like, it's my life. One of the women on there of Real Housewives, Orange County, she's like crazy fit, like she's just super like muscly and amazing, right? She's got like an obese dog. You know when you're like, "How's he, how are you?" Your dog's fucking, over, like, taking the vets and I'm like, "It's really overweight." And it's like, "What the fuck?"

• 1:00:58Speaker 00

  Take on a fucking one.

• 1:00:59Speaker 01

  And the dog's like, "Why are you so thin and I'm fat as fuck?"

• 1:01:02Speaker 00

  That's the thing, you've got to monitor what they, they won't stop, they won't stop fucking eating. You could drop a block of cheese the size of a fucking Playstation five in front of your dog and it would squirm the entire thing.

• 1:01:10Speaker 01

  That's why I like my dogs.

• 1:01:13Speaker 00

  You see yourself in them.

• 1:01:14Speaker 01

  Because the dog would be like, hmm.

• 1:01:16Speaker 00

  The dog would be like, "Rosie, you enjoy them minstrels."

• 1:01:19Speaker 01

  It would, yeah, it would, it would.

• 1:01:21Speaker 00

  You enjoy them.

• 1:01:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, not a cat.

• 1:01:27Speaker 01

  I've had a bloody lovely time.

• 1:01:28Speaker 00

  I've had such a laugh.

• 1:01:29Speaker 01

  Love you.

• 1:01:29Speaker 00

  Such a laugh. Love you.

• 1:01:30Speaker 01

  Thank you for listening.

• 1:01:31Speaker 00

  Love all you guys listening, but not in the same way that I love me wife. But close, close.

• 1:01:35Speaker 01

  I'll share you.

• 1:01:36Speaker 00

  Great. Guys, thank you so much for listening. If you want to send in an email, it is [email protected], that's for a long form email. If you want to send a voice note to the WhatsApp, it's 07874 406650 and what? I hear you're on your phone. ChrisSamsiComedy.com and see you from in your area over the next few months and come and see us live.

• 1:01:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, please do.

• 1:01:57Speaker 00

  Back in years next week.

• 1:01:58Speaker 01

  Bye.

• 1:01:59Speaker 00

  Bye.