Please Keep Me Anonymous with Rachel Parris

We are back! After delivering you some of our best bits throughout the summer we are back with a brand new 'Please Keep Me Anonymous'. This week joining Chris and Rosie is British comedian and writer, Rachel Parris! The trio discuss period dramas and how you can tell your age by which Mr Darcy you fancy, they talk about getting emotional on stage and they even touch on politics - by accident! All of this plus a brilliant story from a listener. *TRIGGER WARNING* This episode contains a very brief discussion around miscarriage. You can catch Rachel in her show 'The Rachel Parris Songbook' for tickets visit rachelparris.co.uk If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [email protected] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:30Speaker 01

  Hello, you are listening to Shag Married Annoyed. Please keep me anonymous.

• 0:32Speaker 02

  Part of the Shag Married Annoyed Extended Universe. This week, we are joined by the very, very funny Rachel Parris.

• 0:41Speaker 01

  Very funny and very clever.

• 0:42Speaker 02

  Yes, and Rachel is on promoting her new tour, The Rachel Parris Songbook, which starts November 4th at the Old Rep in Birmingham. And dare I say it, as I always say it, but we had a bloody lovely chat.

• 0:54Speaker 01

  We did. I loved giving this.

• 0:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  I love these chats so much.

• 0:57Speaker 02

  You're sick of talking to just me, though. That's being...

• 1:00Speaker 01

  I still kind of enjoy that. This is just...

• 1:02Speaker 02

  Jack Russell terrier in here, just looking at when you were just talking to the dog and just ignoring me. You would love it, wouldn't you?

• 1:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, I would love that.

• 1:07Speaker 02

  There it is. But Rachel Parris, lot more funny, lot more interesting, lot cleverer than a Jack Russell terrier.

• 1:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:12Speaker 02

  You heard it here first.

• 1:29Speaker 02

  I do like a period drama, to be fair.

• 1:33Speaker 01

  You like a new period drama.

• 1:36Speaker 02

  God, sorry, am I being period drama ashamed here?

• 1:38Speaker 01

  No, this is...

• 1:38Speaker 02

  You're like, so you're like the cool ones that we like. You like a new one?

• 1:42Speaker 03

  There's room here for all kinds of...

• 1:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, all period dramas. You like the old ones, I think. Was... Oh, what's the one that Kate Winslet was in, really young?

• 1:49Speaker 03

  Sense and Sensibility, which was on recently. Alan Rickman.

• 1:54Speaker 01

  Yes. Oh, yes. Gorgeous. And the... What's the other guy? In Succession. He's in...

• 2:01Speaker 03

  Matthew MacFadden.

• 2:02Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 2:02Speaker 03

  Pride and Prejudice 2005, directed by Joe Wright.

• 2:05Speaker 01

  Right. I've just watched that one recently as well. So there's so many of them.

• 2:09Speaker 03

  He is Gen Z's Mr. Darcy.

• 2:11Speaker 02

  Right.

• 2:12Speaker 03

  Or younger millennials' Mr. Darcy. But as a geriatric millennial, I'm still...

• 2:16Speaker 02

  Sorry. Is that a phrase?

• 2:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:19Speaker 02

  Geriatric millennial.

• 2:21Speaker 03

  Yeah. What are you, guys?

• 2:22Speaker 02

  I don't know if I want to say it.

• 2:23Speaker 01

  We are four... We've just turned 40.

• 2:25Speaker 02

  No, we haven't. We... When this goes out, we've just turned 40.

• 2:28Speaker 01

  Get with it, Chris.

• 2:29Speaker 02

  Sorry. We've just... We've just turned 40, Rosie's right.

• 2:32Speaker 01

  You've just turned 40. Are we geriatric millennials?

• 2:33Speaker 03

  I think you're general millen... You're like solid, solidly in the count of millennials.

• 2:37Speaker 01

  Are you sure? When were you born?

• 2:39Speaker 03

  Maybe which Darcy is your preferred Darcy decides. Not necessarily for you.

• 2:44Speaker 02

  Converse.

• 2:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:45Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 2:46Speaker 03

  You might be a geriatric millennial, then.

• 2:47Speaker 02

  I mean, the other one. I mean, what?

• 2:49Speaker 03

  Matthew MacFadden.

• 2:50Speaker 02

  I mean, what are you talking about?

• 2:51Speaker 01

  No, we're definite.

• 2:52Speaker 02

  I mean, Bad Bunny and all that.

• 2:56Speaker 03

  There's no way you win.

• 2:56Speaker 02

  That's me. Yeah.

• 2:57Speaker 01

  Bad Bunny.

• 2:58Speaker 02

  Who else is in the thing?

• 3:00Speaker 03

  Bad Bunny would make a fierce Mr. Darcy.

• 3:02Speaker 01

  He would be an amazing Mr. Darcy.

• 3:04Speaker 02

  He's the guy who does the backflips. I like that one as well. Benson Boone. There we go. He's my Mr. Darcy. What does that mean to me? Five years old?

• 3:11Speaker 03

  I feel like Benson Boone was America's Harry Styles, anyway.

• 3:16Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 3:17Speaker 03

  So would Harry Styles?

• 3:18Speaker 01

  He's super talented. Have you ever seen him?

• 3:20Speaker 02

  Harry Styles. Harry Styles would make a good Mr. Darcy.

• 3:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:24Speaker 01

  No, have you seen the film he was in?

• 3:25Speaker 03

  He's too young, eh?

• 3:26Speaker 02

  Which film was he in?

• 3:26Speaker 01

  The film he did.

• 3:27Speaker 03

  I have seen that.

• 3:28Speaker 02

  The man in the war one. He was amazing in the war one.

• 3:30Speaker 03

  Was he trying... No. Oh, yeah, he was.

• 3:32Speaker 02

  Don't care. He's unreal.

• 3:34Speaker 03

  He did another one.

• 3:35Speaker 02

  Right.

• 3:35Speaker 03

  With Florence Pugh.

• 3:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:38Speaker 03

  And his accent... Mainly his accent bothered me. I was like, are you trying to be American or not?

• 3:42Speaker 01

  It wasn't great. And that's not me. I think Harry Styles is unbelievable.

• 3:46Speaker 03

  Me too. I think he's an amazing performer.

• 3:47Speaker 01

  He's sensational. I think he'd... I don't think it was his role.

• 3:50Speaker 02

  Right, okay.

• 3:51Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 3:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:52Speaker 02

  He also cameoed at the end of The Eternals.

• 3:55Speaker 03

  Did he?

• 3:56Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 3:56Speaker 03

  Didn't Bret Goldstein do that?

• 3:58Speaker 02

  Bret was at the end of Thor: Love and Thunder. He's Hercules.

• 4:03Speaker 01

  Bret Goldstein's like the British comedian?

• 4:05Speaker 02

  Bret Goldstein is possibly our biggest British comedian export since... I want to say like Ricky Gervais.

• 4:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 4:13Speaker 02

  He's huge.

• 4:14Speaker 01

  He's in a film with them, Jennifer Lawrence.

• 4:16Speaker 02

  Yeah. He's massive over there now. He's writing stuff.

• 4:19Speaker 03

  It's like, me and Nish were talking the other day, like, it feels like a break in space-time continuing for like a British comic that we just all gigged with. On the normal circuit.

• 4:29Speaker 02

  Like, I did 99 Club with him in London last...

• 4:33Speaker 03

  Exactly. Exactly. Like, we've all... We watched him in like the 70-seaters in The Pleasance Courtyard for years. And now he's like starring opposite J Lo in the film he wrote for her.

• 4:41Speaker 01

  Crazy, isn't it?

• 4:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:43Speaker 03

  It's not right.

• 4:44Speaker 02

  It's like someone's gone back in time and changed something.

• 4:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly. This is the alternative timeline. Yeah.

• 4:50Speaker 02

  But bloody good form. Fantastic.

• 4:51Speaker 01

  I listen to loads of American podcasts, much more than British, which I hate. I hate that about myself, but I just enjoy it. But obviously, he... The film had come out and loads of them were talking about that, just kept getting his name wrong every single time.

• 5:04Speaker 03

  What did they call him?

• 5:05Speaker 01

  Just sort of like Mark Goldstein and Bret Gold...

• 5:08Speaker 03

  Goldman.

• 5:09Speaker 01

  Stuff, kind of, yeah. But they never, ever corrected it. They never like looked at the form to check that it was right.

• 5:15Speaker 02

  Say the Stinna Snobbery. This is even worse than the... This is the Atlantic Divide. This is worse than the North-South Divide.

• 5:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, and I was getting annoyed because I was like...

• 5:22Speaker 02

  On his behalf.

• 5:23Speaker 01

  And it was on about three different podcasts where they were chatting about it. And they weren't in their... They weren't interviewing him. They were just talking about the film and about J Lo. They're like very gossipy.

• 5:31Speaker 03

  It's not like his name's like Benedict Cumberbatch. He's not like one of those like offensively English names, like ridiculous.

• 5:38Speaker 01

  They all got it wrong.

• 5:39Speaker 03

  Bret Goldstein could be American. Like, it sounds like American.

• 5:42Speaker 02

  He could hugely read an American name, yeah.

• 5:43Speaker 01

  They all got it wrong and they all didn't care that they'd got it wrong. And I was kind of like, it's going to bite you in the arse.

• 5:48Speaker 02

  I think that just says more about the kind of dickhead podcasts you listen to.

• 5:52Speaker 01

  Oh, crap. Like, I'm talking...

• 5:54Speaker 03

  So...

• 5:55Speaker 01

  They're so horrible.

• 5:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:56Speaker 01

  They're horrible. And I need to stop, though, because in America, they're so less like bothered about stuff than in England.

• 6:03Speaker 02

  They do not sense themselves, aren't they?

• 6:04Speaker 01

  So they don't give a shit. So sometimes when we come to do our podcast, I say something, Chris is like, you can't say that. And I'm like, why?

• 6:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:12Speaker 01

  And then I go, oh, yeah, that's why.

• 6:14Speaker 02

  Sometimes Rosie thinks she's an American shock jock. We have to get stuff taken out of the podcast so regularly because it's like...

• 6:21Speaker 03

  I said what I said.

• 6:22Speaker 01

  I fucking... I'll claim it. I own it. I don't give a shit.

• 6:24Speaker 02

  That would be fine on the one I listen to, but yeah.

• 6:26Speaker 01

  I know. I need to stop that, don't I? Because I've just lost all concept of like British humour.

• 6:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'll keep you right.

• 6:32Speaker 01

  Okay, good.

• 6:33Speaker 02

  I'll keep you right. I'm, you know, I'm...

• 6:34Speaker 03

  I feel like that's what marriage is all about.

• 6:36Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 6:37Speaker 03

  Every so often, mutually a hand on the arm and a...

• 6:42Speaker 01

  Oh, my god, yeah.

• 6:44Speaker 02

  That's terrifying, please.

• 6:46Speaker 01

  And you're all... You're... Obviously, there's two comedians in your life.

• 6:49Speaker 03

  So we do the same job for each other. Stop listening to those shit podcasts.

• 6:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:54Speaker 03

  Don't out yourself with your terrible views publicly. They're worse than you think.

• 7:00Speaker 01

  Keep them for the kitchen table.

• 7:02Speaker 03

  Keep them for the kitchen table.

• 7:03Speaker 01

  Yes, I know.

• 7:04Speaker 02

  So many times Rosie will say, I'll tell her something I've done. And she'll go, you represent both of us.

• 7:10Speaker 03

  That... I say that to Marcus all the time.

• 7:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:13Speaker 01

  Do you worry about that? Do you worry he's ever going to cancel you?

• 7:15Speaker 03

  He'll bring me down. He'll bring me down.

• 7:18Speaker 02

  He's a very... You're in safer hands with Marcus than she is with me. Let's be honest here. I think Mark's a very clever guy. I think he's very, you know...

• 7:26Speaker 03

  I think what it is, is that Marcus comes from a tradition... Because of the age in comedy that he is, he started so young. And so he's really come through that generation where, like, it was a bit about shock and it was a bit about political, like saying everything politically. And a little bit shocking people... That was shocking people was part of the comedy.

• 7:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:47Speaker 03

  And so I don't think that's true anymore. I think that... And he knows that. And he's a naturally very like kind, empathetic person. But I think in his comedy, when he switches on a switch sometimes, that I think of his like stand-up switch. And I'm like, you've gone into a different mode than like the you I really know.

• 8:04Speaker 01

  It's a performance at the end of the day, isn't it?

• 8:06Speaker 03

  It's a performance. And sometimes I'm like, I think... I sometimes I'm like, I think you'll do better to be in like the mode of stand-up that you do more often now, which is like less about like, yeah, I'll just say it.

• 8:18Speaker 01

  I know. And that's really... But that's grown up as well, isn't it? Don't you think?

• 8:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 8:22Speaker 02

  I just think you get to the point where you can't be arsed anymore. I used to say stuff and think, yeah, I've said it. So what? Now I'm like, oh, who's going to...

• 8:27Speaker 03

  Oh, my god.

• 8:28Speaker 02

  Who's going to fucking email about that? I can't be bothered, man.

• 8:30Speaker 03

  Everyone... Yeah, that's the thing, like, you just... Like, even if you say it on an incredibly like niche throwaway.

• 8:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 8:37Speaker 03

  On a podcast like no one listens to or in the column of an article of the most like obscure magazine, someone will find it.

• 8:46Speaker 01

  Someone's going to find it. I know.

• 8:47Speaker 02

  And you'll see it. Because I think, inherently, I think most people aren't complete assholes.

• 8:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 8:51Speaker 02

  So if you know you've ruined someone's day, you're like, oh, fucking ruined their day. I don't know what you're fucking about.

• 8:55Speaker 01

  But are you not... I'm also, though, at the point now, we've done it so much and we've upset so many people for not meaning to at all. But people get upset that I'm now at the point where I'm like, I just want to fucking watch the world burn.

• 9:09Speaker 01

  Me and my friends do that all the time. We're like, I want to watch the world burn. It's a song out of Me and Girl, the Musical.

• 9:14Speaker 02

  Great.

• 9:15Speaker 01

  But yeah, I'm just like, I don't give a shit.

• 9:17Speaker 03

  I did like... I did a podcast recently that is... It's Amy Hoggart. It's a... It is a political podcast.

• 9:24Speaker 01

  Right.

• 9:25Speaker 03

  I didn't hugely pay attention before doing it to what the podcast was. And she was like, well, this is where you really go to town exploring exactly where you fall politically.

• 9:33Speaker 02

  Fuck that.

• 9:35Speaker 01

  Oh, it depends what... Depends what day it is for me.

• 9:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:38Speaker 03

  And maybe because my... Because like I was doing comedy, not very political comedy, for years before The Mash Report started.

• 9:44Speaker 01

  I was going to say, The Mash Report was pretty...

• 9:46Speaker 03

  Yeah. And then I got that job. And I really got that job as an actress, playing a silly character who was just like a news reporter, actually, at first. In a wig and everything. Not even my name.

• 9:56Speaker 01

  I remember it, yeah.

• 9:57Speaker 03

  And then it changed. And they sort of liked that so much, they were like, no, we'll call her Rachel Parris. And I started writing on it. And we started doing proper political...

• 10:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:05Speaker 03

  But still, obviously, stupid, funny stuff. And so that...

• 10:10Speaker 03

  That became what I was like more known for for quite a few years. And then when that finished going, I tried to like go back to what I was doing before and people really didn't want me to. And I was like, I don't, unlike Nish, you know, Nish got that job because he lives that like.

• 10:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:26Speaker 03

  He, all of those political beliefs are like on his sleeve. Whether he's on stage or off it, he's talking about that.

• 10:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:33Speaker 03

  And.

• 10:33Speaker 02

  Lives and breathes it.

• 10:34Speaker 03

  Lives and breathes it, so passionate about it, about campaigning, about his activism. And I'm like a little bit, I want a bit of a quieter life. I don't like, I have my beliefs, but I don't love arguing with people. I sort of, I'm a bit more like those, you know, my beliefs are for me, apart from, I will absolutely, I'll march, I'll sign a petition if it's a thing I'm really gunning for. I do feel like.

• 10:55Speaker 01

  But I think that's okay. I'm really similar as well.

• 10:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:58Speaker 01

  And I think, don't get me wrong, but my views change all the time. That's the problem.

• 11:02Speaker 03

  Thing as well, like, I get persuaded.

• 11:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:05Speaker 02

  Hundred percent. Plus you've got kids as well, by the way.

• 11:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:07Speaker 02

  When Nish has kids, I doubt you're gonna, if he, if he ends up having kids, he's not gonna be, he's not.

• 11:10Speaker 03

  Going on these marches.

• 11:11Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That, that shit'll pop in the second year.

• 11:13Speaker 03

  Oh, I bet he will. I bet he will. I bet he'll be one of the ones that takes them.

• 11:17Speaker 02

  Baby carrier.

• 11:17Speaker 01

  But it's good that we've got people like that.

• 11:19Speaker 03

  We need them.

• 11:20Speaker 01

  We need people like that to be able to fight the good fight.

• 11:23Speaker 03

  And you need them in your friendship group. You need to be like the one who like, oh, if I was a little bit better.

• 11:29Speaker 02

  You need people like that. So people like me can just go, good on you.

• 11:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:33Speaker 02

  Go on, get your cell away.

• 11:34Speaker 03

  You go.

• 11:35Speaker 02

  Good on you. See you next week.

• 11:36Speaker 01

  But I don't think it's a bad thing. I, I'm really envious of like life kind of before all of this.

• 11:45Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 11:46Speaker 01

  Do you know what I mean?

• 11:46Speaker 03

  Where you weren't expected to have a.

• 11:49Speaker 01

  Really passionate views.

• 11:50Speaker 03

  View on everything like.

• 11:52Speaker 01

  Why now? Do, why now? And, and if you disagree with something, either way, either way, it might fall right, left, whatever. It's like, yeah, and you.

• 12:02Speaker 03

  I know.

• 12:03Speaker 01

  What the?

• 12:03Speaker 03

  I know. Also, I feel like I have to say on this podcast that this whole discussion for the last 10 minutes makes it sound as though I'm like an oil supporting racist. Who is like killing children in my spare time and.

• 12:16Speaker 02

  Sorry, that's what my notes, that's exactly what my notes say.

• 12:19Speaker 01

  Is that not what you knew two was about?

• 12:22Speaker 02

  We were here, you're here to promote your oil.

• 12:25Speaker 03

  Don't take go Farage and clip that.

• 12:27Speaker 01

  No. But do you know what's really hard? You've got, we, we live in the northeast of England and, you know, there's people with loads of different views. People of our family, people of our friends.

• 12:37Speaker 03

  Same with me, my family, yeah.

• 12:38Speaker 01

  Always aligning with everybody else, but you have to find, you have to find an equilibrium. So there's a lot of times where we've been in situations, family, whatever, and politics come up and it's like, no, we're not.

• 12:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 12:50Speaker 01

  I'm not falling out with people over politics.

• 12:53Speaker 02

  I always say, don't fall out with your friends and family about them because they wouldn't do that for you.

• 12:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 12:58Speaker 02

  They wouldn't all, they wouldn't do, you know, any politician, they wouldn't fuck, they wouldn't have your back in any kind of way whatsoever. So why are you not speaking to your brother? Because, do you know what I mean?

• 13:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:07Speaker 01

  A blog murdered his daughter in America. All about Trump.

• 13:12Speaker 03

  I think I read about that.

• 13:14Speaker 02

  Explain this.

• 13:14Speaker 01

  See, Chris, I do know loads of stuff, mostly about America. Yeah, you shot her because she didn't like Trump.

• 13:23Speaker 03

  Shut up.

• 13:23Speaker 02

  See, see, Chris, I do know stuff. Shut up. Don't speak to him like that. We just thank you. I feel seen.

• 13:31Speaker 03

  She's batting the character from the.

• 13:33Speaker 01

  No, he did, because she didn't like Trump. He shot her.

• 13:36Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 13:36Speaker 01

  This is so, I just think.

• 13:37Speaker 03

  So that's what we don't want.

• 13:39Speaker 01

  We just need to chill out a bit.

• 13:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:40Speaker 01

  And I worry that social media.

• 13:42Speaker 02

  The line.

• 13:42Speaker 01

  Ramp us all up.

• 13:43Speaker 02

  Let's all, yeah, we all work back from there.

• 13:46Speaker 01

  But social media's ramped everybody up.

• 13:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:48Speaker 01

  And I quite like that Chris and I don't really put out our views publicly because we never have. Because obviously, like I say, I could change, depending who's in power or depending on what's going on, I change my view. And but, yeah, and I quite like that I don't have to talk about it, so.

• 14:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 14:05Speaker 02

  But annoyingly, you were basically forced into doing it for a bit.

• 14:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's irritating when they think that that's your.

• 14:09Speaker 03

  But it was easier then because those, those specific years were those, it was, it was after Cameron. It was after Brexit. It was before Labour.

• 14:18Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 14:19Speaker 03

  So it was the worst, it was even after, I think it was Theresa May just in when we started, I can't remember. But like, it was just those years of the worst examples of the Tory party, doing really shit stuff.

• 14:30Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 14:30Speaker 03

  So like politically, we, it wasn't, it didn't need to be very nuanced.

• 14:35Speaker 01

  Yep, yep, yep.

• 14:36Speaker 03

  They were doing such a bad job.

• 14:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:38Speaker 03

  Even for Tories, they were doing a really bad job.

• 14:41Speaker 02

  But you did say it didn't need to be nuanced. The only thing that popped in my head was that picture you just put on of, of, uh, Piers Morgan and Trump.

• 14:50Speaker 03

  Oh, my God.

• 14:50Speaker 02

  Where he basically eating his asshole out.

• 14:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 14:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, that was, yeah. And it was like, it was a whole thing of like, how they got away with this. Like Piers Morgan was kicking off about it. It was.

• 14:59Speaker 03

  I don't know how we got away with it, you know.

• 15:01Speaker 02

  It was a drawing, wasn't it?

• 15:02Speaker 03

  It was a drawing, which obviously I didn't do.

• 15:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:04Speaker 03

  I had less to do with that week. There were bits, there were bits, there were weeks.

• 15:07Speaker 02

  You've immediately distanced yourself from it. Google it, guys, Google it. If you're listening now, just go, it's a draw and just Mash Report Trump.

• 15:14Speaker 03

  Showing me the picture and they're like, so you're going to be standing in front of a massive screen of this, of Piers Morgan rimming Donald Trump. And, um, and yeah, that was a good example of you can't win. And Piers Morgan, his response to it was that it was homophobic, that I was homophobic. And I was like.

• 15:33Speaker 02

  That's a clever, that's really clever.

• 15:34Speaker 03

  That's a take. I think that's quite a stretch.

• 15:36Speaker 01

  If anything, though, you're actually advertising rimming.

• 15:39Speaker 03

  Well, exactly. And also, as I said, Piers Morgan, I was like, not just the gays do rimming.

• 15:43Speaker 01

  Well, exactly.

• 15:44Speaker 03

  Um, so, yeah, I do think.

• 15:48Speaker 02

  That's just, that's a really clever way of arguing. He is a, oh, I think you'll find that hasn't just offended me, that's offended the entire community, I think.

• 15:56Speaker 01

  He knows what he's doing.

• 15:57Speaker 02

  Very good.

• 15:58Speaker 03

  He also retweeted it to high heaven. Like, he knew exactly what he was doing. The attention wasn't bad.

• 16:03Speaker 01

  Oh, well, you see, and he's got his own podcast, doesn't he? So there you go. Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba.

• 16:10Speaker 04

  Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lululemon fall drop because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it. Lululemon's fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces. So I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece and head out, knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at lululemon.com.

• 16:39Speaker 01

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba. Anyway, can we stop talking about politics?

• 16:43Speaker 02

  Let's stop. Listen, you're not, you are not talking about politics in your new tour, the Rachel Parris Song Group, which starts November 4th at the old rep in Birmingham. Beautiful room, that.

• 16:53Speaker 03

  I don't think I've played it before.

• 16:55Speaker 02

  I think, and I don't mean, I don't mean to brag here, but I worked out once that over the years, I think I've played every room in Birmingham.

• 17:01Speaker 03

  Really?

• 17:02Speaker 02

  Not like living rooms and bathrooms and that. I think I've played every comedy room in Birmingham, from like Glee Club up.

• 17:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:09Speaker 02

  From the Glee Club studio, all the way up to the, to the arena.

• 17:12Speaker 03

  There's things like that, isn't there? Where there's like loads of different things.

• 17:15Speaker 02

  There's loads.

• 17:16Speaker 03

  Manchester as well.

• 17:17Speaker 02

  Got loads of venues.

• 17:19Speaker 03

  Really nice venues.

• 17:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:22Speaker 02

  So, um, this is songs and stand up.

• 17:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:25Speaker 02

  Sort of like a best of, isn't it?

• 17:26Speaker 03

  It's a best of.

• 17:27Speaker 02

  Very good.

• 17:28Speaker 03

  It's a best of.

• 17:28Speaker 01

  Are you doing some singing?

• 17:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'll be doing my songs. I'll be doing, because I, so I've been doing like musical comedy was my way into comedy.

• 17:35Speaker 02

  Nice.

• 17:35Speaker 03

  And I've done it all the way through, but there's still a few people who don't really know that. Like, um, I've never done a tour show without it being half songs, half stand up. But, um, during the Mash Report years, I'd do quite a lot of satire, you know, woven in.

• 17:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:50Speaker 03

  Um, there will be probably a little bit of politics in there, but mostly it's just songs about like normal life. I've got songs about, um, the, trying to, over the years, about like, uh, taking the make out of the X Factor song. That it got one called I Am Amazing. There's one.

• 18:07Speaker 01

  Take the claim.

• 18:08Speaker 03

  The Greatest Showman song, uh, that's like, it's like a mashup of every song on The Greatest Showman called Something, um, Something Uplifting and Something Profound.

• 18:18Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 18:18Speaker 03

  Um, you know, I've got songs about being a mum, songs about when you do some exercise, having to tell someone that you've done some exercise.

• 18:25Speaker 01

  You've got to put that Strava link on you.

• 18:27Speaker 02

  It doesn't count if you don't tell people.

• 18:29Speaker 03

  I've got.

• 18:29Speaker 01

  I walk around my gym gear, even if I haven't been in the gym.

• 18:32Speaker 03

  This is it. You've got to just slip it into conversation, haven't you?

• 18:35Speaker 02

  Rosie will go to the gym, have a shower after the gym, put clean gym gear on, just to mention that you've been in the gym.

• 18:40Speaker 03

  I would, you're so, yeah. I mean, you're sort of the subject of my songs. Yeah.

• 18:44Speaker 01

  Put a picture of us up if you mind. I don't mind. Go, go running my gym gear, lunges up the steps.

• 18:50Speaker 03

  I've got, I've got, um, this is the most obscure bit. I've got like, um, what's it called? Um, parody of Easy Lover, but it's Speedy Border. It's about being a speedy border.

• 19:02Speaker 02

  On a plane?

• 19:03Speaker 03

  On a plane.

• 19:04Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 19:05Speaker 03

  And how it's, it's, it has almost no advantages at all. Get on two minutes earlier than everyone else. And not than everyone else as well, two minutes earlier than some other people. But by no means at the front, actually. Um, so, yeah, it's just, it's, it's pretty relatable, sometimes surreal, sometimes niche. But like, I feel like there's something for everyone. And the thing I like about doing a best of is if you know the songs, if you followed me for like the last 15 years, you'll enjoy hearing them again. You'll be like, I know this one. I can sing along. Obviously don't sing along. And, um, if you don't know them, then they're new to you.

• 19:42Speaker 01

  Then they're enjoyable. Listen, and I love that.

• 19:44Speaker 02

  Music, I've always been really, really, really jealous.

• 19:47Speaker 01

  So jealous.

• 19:47Speaker 03

  You do get to do it again.

• 19:49Speaker 02

  Here's this one. And you go, yeah.

• 19:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, they don't mind.

• 19:52Speaker 02

  You've only done a 15 minute set tonight, haven't you, mate?

• 19:56Speaker 01

  You could put songs in, you just, you would be very good at singing.

• 19:59Speaker 02

  Can't sing.

• 20:00Speaker 01

  You're good, you, you could write a, you could write a good song. You're a good writer.

• 20:03Speaker 02

  Maybe.

• 20:04Speaker 01

  Yeah. Oh, the nice egg was, aren't I going back there? Speaking of writing.

• 20:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:08Speaker 01

  Tell us about your book.

• 20:09Speaker 03

  Oh, thanks. Um, I've written a book. I've written a novel. It came out last November.

• 20:14Speaker 01

  Proper book, Chris, not like our kids.

• 20:17Speaker 02

  Introducing Mrs Collins.

• 20:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:19Speaker 02

  The paperback on the eighth of October.

• 20:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's, it's a Jane Austen spin off. It's a Pride and Prejudice sequel, essentially.

• 20:24Speaker 02

  Nice.

• 20:24Speaker 03

  Cause I love, you'll know from Austentatious, like obviously I love Jane Austen.

• 20:28Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 20:28Speaker 03

  And I had this idea about, there's this character who's Lizzie Bennet's best friend, who she says she's not romantic and she agrees to marry the awful, like absurd, offensive vicar character because he's like, secure and he's got a house and you know. Um, and it follows her story. Cause I was like, well, what, what happens afterwards? Uh, she's kind of written out of Pride and Prejudice, you know, at the end, she's just married to him and you presume she has, you know, a pretty shit life. Um, and I was like, well, what, what could happen there over the next few years? So it follows her for the next few years.

• 21:04Speaker 01

  Oh, I love that.

• 21:04Speaker 03

  And let's just say maybe she is romantic.

• 21:06Speaker 02

  Nice.

• 21:07Speaker 03

  If she meets the right person.

• 21:09Speaker 01

  She having an affair? Don't tell us. Yeah, she is.

• 21:11Speaker 03

  I won't give spoilers.

• 21:12Speaker 01

  I'm gonna read that. That sounds really, really good.

• 21:14Speaker 03

  Read it. It was really nice to write. Um, and it's been, yeah, me starting off writing novels. So I'm kind of getting into novel writing now.

• 21:22Speaker 02

  Nice.

• 21:23Speaker 01

  Oh, well done.

• 21:23Speaker 03

  Pulling a Mark Watson and trying to keep that thread going a bit.

• 21:27Speaker 01

  You got, I'd say comedians to me are some of the cleverest people I've ever met in my life. I think to do what you guys do, no, I know, I, what?

• 21:36Speaker 02

  Present company, I accept it.

• 21:37Speaker 01

  No, I think it's really, no, it's, it's clever and it's, you've got to have, you've got to have a big brain.

• 21:44Speaker 02

  But I think as well, comedians, like we can quite, on the whole, quite easily turn my hands to other stuff.

• 21:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:51Speaker 02

  Comedians become actors, comedians become writers, like you, you, you just go out to dip your toe in that pond now. And some people are wildly successful when they do.

• 21:59Speaker 01

  I wish you would write more.

• 22:00Speaker 03

  You've got a lot of transferable skills as a comedian. I do think that. And people get really cross, I think, when you try and do other things. They're like.

• 22:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:07Speaker 03

  Like Rob Brydon recently has written a kid's book and quite a lot of authors, kids, authors are like, oh, I suppose you can do, and of course that's not.

• 22:15Speaker 02

  We got that as well.

• 22:16Speaker 01

  We did a kids.

• 22:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 22:17Speaker 03

  Like, I, I do realize there is like inequality, having the name does help you get published, but also like you, he, you, like, if you're a comedian, you're a writer.

• 22:27Speaker 01

  Mm hmm. That's what I'm, that's what I mean. Yeah, you're already writing.

• 22:29Speaker 02

  And you're an actor as well, in my opinion, because you're acting it out. Every night I'm acting it out. The stuff I've written, I'm acting it out.

• 22:34Speaker 01

  I totally agree.

• 22:35Speaker 02

  Yeah. A hundred percent.

• 22:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, I totally agree.

• 22:37Speaker 02

  Yeah. Speaking of on stage though, I've got your naughty, all right? Um, you passed out mid show once.

• 22:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:42Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 22:43Speaker 02

  What happened there?

• 22:44Speaker 03

  You know, in Edinburgh, um, at the Edinburgh Fringe in August, it's freezing outside, but you're performing in these little like lecture halls, aren't you? So like 50 seaters. There's no air con.

• 22:55Speaker 02

  Awful.

• 22:56Speaker 03

  It's very unglamorous.

• 22:57Speaker 02

  To the point of when there is air con, sorry, when there is air con, people put it on their flyer.

• 23:02Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 23:03Speaker 02

  If you happen, back in my day, if you had an air conditioned venue, you would put it on your flyer. It was a selling point.

• 23:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, a big drawer to have an air con room.

• 23:11Speaker 02

  Big drawer.

• 23:12Speaker 03

  So these tiny, low ceiling little rooms and you're there in spotlights. Um, the year that I passed out, did I think I had costume changes as well?

• 23:21Speaker 02

  Oh my god.

• 23:22Speaker 03

  And basically you're just up there for an hour and it was, um, it was a real like heatwave, considering it's Edinburgh, it was a bit of a heatwave.

• 23:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:28Speaker 03

  And yeah, the room was just boiling hot and I started to sway. I was at the keyboard. I remember leaning on the keyboard and going, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to leave. So I got, I got off, I walked like up the stairs to the back. Um, and then passed out in the, um, I had a lovely technician at the time.

• 23:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:48Speaker 03

  I passed it in like the backstage room and he like came down and was like, fuck. And he sort of like made sure I was okay, but then went out to the audience and said, um.

• 23:57Speaker 01

  She's dead.

• 23:57Speaker 03

  He didn't, yeah.

• 24:00Speaker 02

  No refunds.

• 24:01Speaker 03

  Blessings. He didn't know whether to say, stay here or go.

• 24:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:04Speaker 03

  Like, what are called, I think he said just.

• 24:06Speaker 02

  This is such a comedian's thing to ask. How far into the, two questions. How far into the show were you?

• 24:11Speaker 03

  About half, halfway.

• 24:13Speaker 02

  Was it going well?

• 24:15Speaker 03

  I can't remember, but I carried on. I think it must've been going all right.

• 24:18Speaker 02

  Shit, really?

• 24:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, I carried on.

• 24:19Speaker 02

  You passed out and went back out?

• 24:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:21Speaker 01

  No way, did you really? Gosh, that's, that's impressive.

• 24:24Speaker 03

  I don't make the most of that audience, man.

• 24:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, true. The man who wanted refunds, imagine. Oh god.

• 24:30Speaker 02

  I'm amazed that you did. So the, the only time this is, anything similar has happened to me, I've spoken about before, you rang us, I was in Aberdeen and Rosie rang and just said, I've got norovirus, the Ben's, the kid's being sick, I'm being sick, it's in the post. And I immediately, me still went, and I went, oh no.

• 24:44Speaker 03

  I've never heard the phrase, it's in the post before.

• 24:47Speaker 02

  It's in the post.

• 24:47Speaker 03

  I love that. I'm gonna steal it.

• 24:49Speaker 02

  You never heard that? Yeah.

• 24:51Speaker 01

  The illness, no, it's in the post. If our kids are ill, we're very much, it's in the post.

• 24:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:56Speaker 02

  We used to, I don't know if we've talked about this, we, I think I have, we used to, if the kids were ill.

• 25:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:01Speaker 02

  The kids had some kind of sickness bug, we used to eat, it was like, right, take away tonight then, because it doesn't count.

• 25:09Speaker 03

  Nice, because it's coming.

• 25:10Speaker 02

  Pizza, curry, whatever you want. Cause it's coming.

• 25:12Speaker 01

  I think you're talking about, I've never done that.

• 25:14Speaker 02

  We've definitely done that before. I wrote it down once.

• 25:15Speaker 03

  And was it, was it in the post?

• 25:16Speaker 02

  It was in the post. So I happened, I was on stage, Aberdeen Music Hall, I was on stage and, uh, I, uh, I was literally, every, every punchline I would finish, I'd go, oh, like, and the crowd were like, oh, they were fully on board with it. And I had a flight case next to us on the floor and I was like, and I, like so many times on it, and it was right at the end, I'm talking two minutes left. And I was gonna be sick on stage. I said to them, I said, look, I'll just be sick in front of yous. And then I got this fear of like, I can't be sick in front of you. So I just kicked the flight case and it skidded into the wings and I chased it into the wings and I was.

• 25:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, you kept your mic on.

• 25:48Speaker 02

  I put the mic in the, in the flight case with us. I'm so sorry. I put it in the flight, I was like, bah. And, uh, yeah, me too, my manager had to go out and say, sorry, but no one asked for a refund. And not only that, they bought, um, they bought programmes on the way out.

• 26:01Speaker 03

  Cause I was there for the chunder, the chunder one.

• 26:04Speaker 02

  He was literally like, he came with loads of cash. He was like, they bought programmes on the way? Was it the mental? I was like, why have they done that? So weird.

• 26:10Speaker 01

  That's weird.

• 26:11Speaker 02

  So weird.

• 26:12Speaker 03

  My friend Anna Morris, I don't know if you'd have met Anna Morris. She's more of a like, she does like character comedy, which is amazing. Um, she used to do a character called, uh, Georgina the Bride. Um, and it went a bit viral. She did live shows and everything. And she performed in a glistening white puffy wedding dress for all of her shows. Uh, and she got, uh, food poisoning and it came on just before one of her shows. And she was like putting on like extra pants, like doing anything she could. She was like, you know, can I, I just can't shit myself on a stage. Like it's gonna show so visibly. And she said she literally just sweated and clenched her way through the show.

• 26:56Speaker 03

  And then literally the minute she stepped off, um, and in like a few months later, I was getting ready to do, I can't remember, it was a big gig, maybe it was like Live at the Apollo or something. And she was, I was really bricking it.

• 27:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:09Speaker 03

  And she said, if I can get through, if I can get through not shitting myself in a wedding dress.

• 27:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, you can do it. But why do, as performers, why do we do this? I was performing. I know, but sometimes you look back and think, what? I wasn't getting paid, you know, I was performing in a five star hotel in Greece. I used to do the entertainment thing. And I did like a high kick and I went over on my ankle and I think, like I did it in really badly. And I remember being stood at the back of the stage and there was tears, you know, like when you automatically cry when you hurt yourself. And I turned around and I kept going. But then you go, why, and looking back, I'm like, why did I keep going? There was absolutely no need. People were just on the holidays, watching a show. I could have just gone off.

• 27:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:55Speaker 01

  But I did the full show.

• 27:56Speaker 03

  You do though, don't you? It's weird.

• 27:58Speaker 02

  Let's go on.

• 27:59Speaker 01

  It was.

• 28:00Speaker 03

  Do you know what else? Have you found this? And I mean, this sort of like goes against your microphone in the chunder suitcase, but people.

• 28:05Speaker 02

  Chunder suitcase.

• 28:06Speaker 03

  People don't care. The stand, like stand up audiences, I would think definitely like what you're that performing, people do not care if you're. I always think, when I'm really ill and I've got through it, I always feel like, well, I'll mention it and it'll be a bit funny.

• 28:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:21Speaker 03

  You know, if you're like really ill, you've got some, some interesting illness, you know, like not a catching one, just something that's a bit unusual or like, a story about how hard it was to get here, like capers on the way. They never care. They're always just like, can you get on?

• 28:34Speaker 01

  Shut up.

• 28:34Speaker 03

  Can you get on with the show?

• 28:35Speaker 01

  Shut up and crack on.

• 28:36Speaker 03

  They care about your health, like.

• 28:38Speaker 01

  You're right, actually.

• 28:43Speaker 00

  Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lululemon fall drop because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it. Lululemon's fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces, so I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece and head out, knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at lululemon.com.

• 29:14Speaker 03

  I'm self-editing before I tell this story because I can't say who it was and I don't want it to be super clear from the story, but I did a gig years ago and it didn't help that I was shit. Like I do, I was, I was doing, trying for a year, I tried character comedy for a year and it's not my thing.

• 29:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 29:29Speaker 03

  I tried that, so I died on my ass anyway.

• 29:32Speaker 01

  Well done it.

• 29:32Speaker 03

  And this comic kind of didn't really have a set and got up and kind of had a bit of a breakdown on stage and started crying and the audience just loved it and were like whooping and cheering and like, I'll tell you more about this afterwards, but like-

• 29:55Speaker 01

  Can't wait.

• 29:55Speaker 02

  Oh, we always do this, sorry guys.

• 29:57Speaker 03

  I was just side of stage and I was just watching and I was like, you haven't told a joke, you haven't told any, you haven't said anything funny and the audience were just going, wah, yeah. And I was like, why did I bother writing anything? I'm trying so hard.

• 30:12Speaker 01

  Was that their show? Did they then, did you want to do in that show?

• 30:15Speaker 02

  Wow. Was this new act night, new material night?

• 30:18Speaker 03

  No, very, quite, quite experienced.

• 30:20Speaker 02

  Shut up, man.

• 30:21Speaker 03

  You'll know who it is.

• 30:22Speaker 02

  Wow. And a full breakdown on stage and that was it and ripped the fucking arse out of the place.

• 30:27Speaker 03

  It was sort of one of those like, I mean, they've done it a few times.

• 30:30Speaker 02

  No.

• 30:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, but like-

• 30:32Speaker 02

  Right, so do you know what I hate?

• 30:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:34Speaker 02

  I hate pretending they're drunk.

• 30:36Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 30:36Speaker 02

  I hate act, but there's a few do, I'll not mention names, but there's a few I know who do it and they go on, but oh, oh God, I'm drunk. And I'm like, what the fuck is this? Like, oh, I'm drunk, hmm, why is everyone, why is everyone think that's great? Everyone's been drunk, that's not funny. And laughing while on stage, just doing a daft laugh to get a daft laugh.

• 30:55Speaker 03

  Oh, I hate that, I hate a fake laugh.

• 30:57Speaker 02

  A daft laugh.

• 30:58Speaker 03

  At your own. Just mucking around having a daft laugh, like-

• 31:01Speaker 02

  Fucking say something, I hate you. Yeah.

• 31:07Speaker 02

  Again, I'll have to say who that is afterwards.

• 31:09Speaker 01

  Oh God, sorry guys, people are gonna be listening, they do that in the American podcasts I listen to all the time. They talk about people, they go, oh my God, tell me after and I'm like, damn it, no.

• 31:17Speaker 02

  The problem is that the comedy scene is, it's extremely bitchy, extremely bitchy.

• 31:22Speaker 01

  It really is, I love it.

• 31:23Speaker 02

  The best advice I ever got when I first started comedy was someone said, it was another comedian said, and remember what happens on the circuit? And I went, oh, stairs on the circuit? He went, no, everyone tells everyone about it. Everyone tells everyone about it forever. I was like, that is the best advice I've ever had.

• 31:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, they'll remember.

• 31:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, they remember, they tell everyone.

• 31:42Speaker 03

  They might even say it on stage, they'll certainly say it backstage.

• 31:44Speaker 01

  This is amazing.

• 31:45Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 31:46Speaker 03

  Got a promoter friend who's like, there's, I think a comic like let them down twice in like 10 years, but twice in a row.

• 31:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:56Speaker 03

  And they're like-

• 31:57Speaker 02

  That's it.

• 31:57Speaker 01

  Hold it against them.

• 31:58Speaker 03

  And they tell everyone, like, can't trust that person. It's really a person.

• 32:02Speaker 02

  Right, so I've had that of promoters, like I'm talking small time promoters in Sheffield have been like, Russell Lavois is supposed to come in and do new material and now he's pulled, he'll never work for us again. I'm like, will he not? Will Russell Lavois not work for you again? Is he? Yeah, God, are you sure, are you sure you can do that amount of damage to his mental health? I don't think that's fair.

• 32:23Speaker 02

  Like genuinely someone said that exact, them exact words to us.

• 32:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:26Speaker 02

  He'll never play here again.

• 32:27Speaker 01

  So bitter of it.

• 32:28Speaker 02

  In this pub? Will he not?

• 32:31Speaker 01

  You've got a story to read for us, please, Rachel? That'd be lovely.

• 32:35Speaker 02

  Comedy gossip, you know?

• 32:36Speaker 01

  I know, it's great.

• 32:37Speaker 02

  It's because I'm out of it as well, you know?

• 32:38Speaker 03

  Now I want the podcast to end so I can tell you about it.

• 32:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know.

• 32:41Speaker 03

  And you can tell me about, right.

• 32:44Speaker 03

  Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. A while back, I was having some health problems and I was referred for a pelvic exam. I'm not great with medical stuff, so I took my sister along for moral support.

• 32:55Speaker 02

  Sorry, what's a pelvic exam?

• 32:56Speaker 01

  Pelvis.

• 32:57Speaker 03

  That's your pelvis there.

• 32:58Speaker 02

  Just down here, all around the bottom of the hips.

• 32:59Speaker 01

  Funny that men don't know where the pelvis is, isn't it?

• 33:02Speaker 02

  Oh, check your privilege. Oh, sexist.

• 33:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, you, men have got pelvis.

• 33:07Speaker 03

  Smaller one.

• 33:08Speaker 01

  Have they?

• 33:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:08Speaker 02

  Oh, that's-

• 33:11Speaker 01

  You've got such a face.

• 33:14Speaker 01

  Oh God, he does do this.

• 33:16Speaker 02

  Sometimes, not very often.

• 33:17Speaker 01

  There you go.

• 33:20Speaker 03

  Right, don't think about pelvises, Rachel. Right, I assumed it was just an ultrasound, like when you have a baby, so when the sonographer asked if some students could be present, I agreed. The ultrasound was finished and then to my surprise, the sonographer asked me to remove the bottom half of my clothing for the internal exam. Okay, I thought, this is a good thing and the NHS are being thorough.

• 33:44Speaker 02

  The inter, sorry, I don't think-

• 33:46Speaker 01

  There must be a camera for the inside of our pelvis.

• 33:48Speaker 02

  I don't think men have got a pelvis.

• 33:50Speaker 01

  You have.

• 33:50Speaker 02

  You definitely can't look at the inside of it.

• 33:52Speaker 03

  They, they can, they can and they will.

• 33:54Speaker 02

  Right.

• 33:55Speaker 03

  I removed my clothing in private and then when I was ready, with the huge piece of blue paper over my lower half, the curtain was pulled back and there's the sonographer with the students in tow. Before the internal exam started, the small pen-like camera device was put under the paper ta, why bother with the paper towel at this stage?

• 34:13Speaker 01

  At this point.

• 34:14Speaker 03

  While the sonographer talked the students through the process, I heard a familiar noise, which I realised was my sister trying to stifle her laughter. I stared at her telepathically, telling her to shut up, shut up, shut up.

• 34:27Speaker 01

  You.

• 34:28Speaker 02

  I genuinely thought it was that.

• 34:29Speaker 03

  But then she nodded towards the huge screen that they show the images on. The sonographer hadn't realised that he'd turned on the camera and while he talked in depth to the students, my entire vagina was on display.

• 34:41Speaker 02

  Oh my God.

• 34:45Speaker 02

  On the, just on the screen, so like a corso.

• 34:48Speaker 03

  Does she mean the inside of it?

• 34:49Speaker 02

  No.

• 34:49Speaker 01

  No, I think they're not there. I think the sonographer, whatever, it's just a pelvic and he's just going, oh, we're just gonna do this, but yeah.

• 34:55Speaker 02

  In a moment, I'm gonna push this inside, but for now, here is a up close, external view on a screen of this vagina, if I want to say.

• 35:04Speaker 01

  They won't have thought anything of it though, because they've just seen so many of them.

• 35:06Speaker 03

  She says, just to finish, I was absolutely mortified, but the true Brit that I am, I didn't say a word, I just nodded along while my full genitalia was on display.

• 35:14Speaker 02

  See, see, um, no, like I'm not brash or like, you know, I try not to be awful or rude as, as much as I can. When I've had a drink, I am, but if I was in that situation and they said, can the students be here? And I was like, because I assumed, I had to go for medical the other day for a thing and they, they push on you.

• 35:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:32Speaker 02

  They just pushed on us and said, is it, I assumed that was a pelvic exam. Absolutely fine, scan, fine, the students can be there. The second they said internal, I'd go, sorry, what, you're gonna be arsed? Can you get the fuck, can you four, can you four get out?

• 35:45Speaker 01

  I've got, they've got to learn.

• 35:46Speaker 02

  They're not learning on me.

• 35:48Speaker 01

  I had them in, I had them in for something quite intense, might have been like birth.

• 35:53Speaker 02

  Did you?

• 35:53Speaker 01

  There was, there was, there was, I got asked during something quite intense.

• 35:57Speaker 02

  Some birth, I was there for both the births, there were some students there.

• 36:00Speaker 01

  Was it, I don't, I don't wanna get grim, was it miscarriage times? There was a time-

• 36:07Speaker 03

  I've never thought about that, yeah.

• 36:07Speaker 01

  There was a time when they said, can the student come in? And I was like, well, yeah.

• 36:11Speaker 02

  Might have been miscarriage.

• 36:12Speaker 01

  I think it was, we had a, there's a lot of funny goings on at that time, wasn't there? Do you remember the cleaner?

• 36:17Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 36:18Speaker 01

  Oh God. Oh no, it's-

• 36:20Speaker 02

  We were-

• 36:21Speaker 01

  We laughed, it's such-

• 36:22Speaker 03

  We've all been there.

• 36:23Speaker 01

  It was such a horrible, no, because I think you, I was off my tits, but it was such a horrible time, but also-

• 36:29Speaker 02

  Holding each other's hands and crying and I kissed her forehead and we had, we're touching foreheads and we're literally like, it's gonna be okay.

• 36:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:36Speaker 02

  You'll be fine, we'll try again, we'll, we'll build, have another baby, it'll be amazing, we had this, I love you, I love you too. And then the door swung open and this woman went-

• 36:46Speaker 01

  She was about four foot eleven.

• 36:47Speaker 02

  Four foot odd, and she, the door swung open and she just went, I'm just crazy hoover in here, in the loudest fucking hoover, like the loudest, most unbel, like a fucking jet engine.

• 36:59Speaker 03

  Oh my God.

• 37:01Speaker 02

  You're all right, then, I use, and we just started laughing my heads off.

• 37:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, so it was, it was like-

• 37:06Speaker 02

  Remember the stu, the student nurse who came in with the-

• 37:08Speaker 01

  Paracetamol.

• 37:09Speaker 02

  The student nurse who came in with some paracetamol, just same time this is all happening for the pain, and he came in with them and he held them and he literally was like, we've got these painkillers, um, are these, are these for, do you need water or are they for?

• 37:23Speaker 01

  Don't do that, Josh.

• 37:25Speaker 02

  He did the up there with his fingers and I nearly fucking died. So, yeah.

• 37:30Speaker 01

  So it turned a horrible day into quite a funny day for us.

• 37:33Speaker 03

  I remember that, I think I wrote them down on my phone at the time, like funny, funny little things kept happening because it was such an awful time.

• 37:40Speaker 01

  An awful time, yeah.

• 37:41Speaker 03

  But funny things happened and I was so, I think it was to tell Mark, because it was during Covid.

• 37:46Speaker 01

  Right.

• 37:47Speaker 03

  He couldn't be there the whole time.

• 37:48Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 37:48Speaker 03

  So like, I was like, I must remember to tell Marcus this, like-

• 37:52Speaker 01

  It is.

• 37:53Speaker 03

  But there were, there was plenty of like funny stuff and my, the horror.

• 37:56Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 37:57Speaker 01

  I know.

• 37:57Speaker 02

  That's life, isn't it?

• 37:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:58Speaker 01

  Tis life.

• 37:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:59Speaker 01

  Thank you so much for joining us today.

• 38:01Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 38:01Speaker 01

  This has been so lovely.

• 38:02Speaker 02

  So lovely, thank you so much. Good luck with the tour.

• 38:05Speaker 03

  Thank you, I'm gonna tell you now who it was.

• 38:20Speaker 00

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