Please Keep Me Anonymous - Best Of Part Five

On this week's Please Keep Me Anonymous Best Ofs, we're revisiting Chris and Rosie's chats with Rhys James, Suzi Ruffell, Mel Giedroyc, Greg James and Alice Levine! Mel tells all about her BAFTA wardrobe mishap, Rhys is missing a kidney, Suzi is crushing on Mel C and Alice and Greg delve deep into horse anatomy. All this with hilarious stories sent in by you and read by the guests! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [email protected] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:52Speaker 01

  My auntie! Oh my god, yes!

• 0:54Speaker 02

  Auntie Pam?

• 0:55Speaker 01

  He phoned me one morning when I was on tour. I forgot all about this. Go on, tell everyone.

• 0:59Speaker 02

  Well, I don't know this story.

• 1:00Speaker 01

  My auntie interrupted your comedy show.

• 1:02Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:02Speaker 01

  At Weymouth Pavilion.

• 1:03Speaker 02

  Weymouth Pavilion.

• 1:04Speaker 01

  And we got you on the radio the next day because she got up and did she drop some drinks?

• 1:08Speaker 02

  She was like, you know, the person who's... Well, she was working there, wasn't she?

• 1:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, she was working, yeah, yeah.

• 1:13Speaker 02

  Selling like the ice creams and stuff. She dropped a full tray of them.

• 1:15Speaker 03

  Oh!

• 1:15Speaker 02

  While I was on. And I was like, what the hell? And I was like, obviously, not nasty, but gave her a bit of grief. Well, I gave her a lot of grief, then I realised she was a nice lady who worked there.

• 1:24Speaker 01

  Lovely lady.

• 1:24Speaker 02

  So the grief got reined in quite a bit.

• 1:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:27Speaker 02

  And next morning Greg James is ringing us up on the...

• 1:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:29Speaker 02

  You've been shouting my auntie.

• 1:30Speaker 01

  It was Auntie Pam. All my cousins are like...

• 1:32Speaker 03

  Who are Auntie Pam?

• 1:33Speaker 01

  Chris Ramsey's had a go at Pam.

• 1:34Speaker 03

  I know! I also love the grief backpedal. Where you're like, what the... Hey, Belle!

• 1:40Speaker 02

  What, you work here?

• 1:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, tumble!

• 1:44Speaker 02

  Get my ice cream up before they...

• 1:46Speaker 03

  What are you like? Oh, get out of here!

• 1:49Speaker 01

  Oh, you look a bit like Greg James.

• 1:55Speaker 03

  Did she not say it on the... At the time?

• 1:57Speaker 02

  She didn't, she was very cool. But it was the phone call the next day.

• 1:59Speaker 03

  Imagine if she's just dropping your name.

• 2:01Speaker 02

  Imagine immediately she went, "Leave me alone, I'm Greg James's auntie. I will drop as much ice cream as I want. It's the goddamn breakfast toast of Radio 1." I can't remember, did someone get in touch with us or did you just ring us or message us off the bell?

• 2:11Speaker 01

  I think my cousins might have let me know and I messaged...

• 2:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, but I'm saying, I don't think my management got in touch. I think you just rang us off the bell.

• 2:18Speaker 01

  I rang you, yeah.

• 2:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:19Speaker 01

  Get me Ramsay.

• 2:19Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah. Not much content today. Ramsay being heckling me auntie.

• 2:23Speaker 01

  Are you joking? That is the content we all want.

• 2:26Speaker 03

  Yeah. Waking up to that is like the dream.

• 2:29Speaker 01

  Chris Ramsey's had a go at my auntie.

• 2:30Speaker 03

  You cleared the schedule.

• 2:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, we cancelled Timothy Chalamet.

• 2:33Speaker 02

  Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift back on your jets.

• 2:36Speaker 03

  Tell Margo it's done.

• 2:36Speaker 01

  There was no music that day. It was just that. It turned into Five Live.

• 2:44Speaker 03

  Last night, you were at the BAFTAs last night?

• 2:46Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 2:47Speaker 03

  Did you leave your backpack on?

• 2:49Speaker 04

  Yes, I did.

• 2:51Speaker 03

  To go and give the award to Mary Berry?

• 2:53Speaker 04

  Yes, I did.

• 2:53Speaker 02

  What do you mean?

• 2:55Speaker 04

  I've got a very... I've got a very light, little... It's like, you know, like a school gym bag.

• 3:02Speaker 03

  Drawstring.

• 3:03Speaker 02

  Like a G T Sports drawstring bag?

• 3:05Speaker 03

  Yes, that you get your trainers in, yeah.

• 3:07Speaker 04

  So my niece made it for me. I love my niece. Another niece, not the climbing wall niece.

• 3:12Speaker 03

  Oh, okay, different.

• 3:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, fuck her.

• 3:18Speaker 03

  You've never seen her.

• 3:18Speaker 02

  Dead to all of us. Yeah, carry on. Sorry.

• 3:23Speaker 04

  This niece, Rosie, is her name.

• 3:26Speaker 03

  Oh, nice, lovely.

• 3:27Speaker 04

  She's super talented. She made that bag for me when she was 14 years old.

• 3:31Speaker 03

  Oh, that's lovely, that's sweet.

• 3:33Speaker 04

  She's brilliant with a sewing machine, do you know what I mean? She's just got that talent.

• 3:36Speaker 03

  Love that.

• 3:36Speaker 04

  Anyway, so I always wear the backpack. It's just, it's part of life every day.

• 3:42Speaker 03

  Gorgeous.

• 3:42Speaker 04

  Anyway, you've been to these awards do's and they're delightful. They can be absolutely great, but it's like, it's mayhem, isn't it?

• 3:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's horrible.

• 3:52Speaker 04

  Thousands of people backstage, chaos. And I get a bit funny if I leave my stuff. I kind of think, will I find it again?

• 3:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:59Speaker 04

  I mean, it's really stupid. It'll get moved. When I get home, I've got my keys in there and there's actually something I'm trying to learn. There was just a piece of paper and I had to learn some words and I thought, well, I need... Yeah, anyway, blah, blah, blah. So I kept it with me at all times and then I just popped it on the back, forgot about it, went from, you know, pillar to post. And blow me down, literally Greg Davis went, "Duh, duh, duh, duh, and Mel and Sue." Two steps onto the stage and I thought, the backpack's on. I thought, I thought, yeah, it's too late.

• 4:27Speaker 03

  What were you wearing?

• 4:28Speaker 04

  A white suit.

• 4:31Speaker 04

  With feather trim.

• 4:34Speaker 02

  A fucking drawstring bag, man!

• 4:36Speaker 04

  And a drawstring bag. And I just thought, let's just, let's get on with this.

• 4:39Speaker 03

  Did you mention it at all?

• 4:40Speaker 04

  Yes, I did.

• 4:40Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 4:41Speaker 04

  Well, I got to the lectern and I thought, it's going to look really odd because there are two bits of quite dirty rope, just sort of...

• 4:49Speaker 03

  I need the watch. I haven't watched it yet.

• 4:52Speaker 04

  Across the pristine...

• 4:53Speaker 01

  We'll get the pictures up here as you're watching now on YouTube. We'll get this up, we'll get the images up. That's brilliant.

• 4:59Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 5:00Speaker 04

  Keeping it real. You're keeping it real.

• 5:02Speaker 03

  Do you know?

• 5:03Speaker 04

  Keeping it menopausal, I would say, Rosie. It's just that, anyway, sometimes you've just got to go with it, haven't you?

• 5:09Speaker 03

  Yeah. Do you know what? Humanise. Everyone's a human. Like, sometimes these things, they become where people aren't. And it's all sort of like...

• 5:18Speaker 04

  Gets a bit sanitised.

• 5:19Speaker 03

  Yeah. And I love that. I love that you just left your bag on, so what?

• 5:23Speaker 04

  I did, yeah. I sort of did think. I think Sue made a quip about a security alert or something. I can't remember, I was just... It's all a bit, it's all a bit fudgy. Anyway, the phone was on, everything. Phone was on.

• 5:35Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 5:36Speaker 04

  Anyway, all good.

• 5:38Speaker 03

  Also, just going back to your notes.

• 5:40Speaker 02

  Oh, I love your notes, like...

• 5:41Speaker 03

  These are really good. I don't know where you've said these things.

• 5:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:44Speaker 03

  You got, you had a kidney removed at 10?

• 5:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, just a bit.

• 5:50Speaker 02

  Just a bit?

• 5:51Speaker 03

  The whole thing?

• 5:52Speaker 01

  The whole kidney.

• 5:53Speaker 03

  Why?

• 5:54Speaker 01

  I just fancied it, you know? It didn't have anything interesting about me. Thought, get it out, get it out. I wanted to be able to go to the toilet whenever I wanted at school and to have a little water bottle on my table. Those are the only luxuries afforded to the single kidney people. It died, it shriveled up and died.

• 6:10Speaker 03

  Stop it.

• 6:11Speaker 01

  It was causing me some issues, i.e. pissing blood sometimes. Cheers. And...

• 6:18Speaker 03

  Couldn't have just got braces, couldn't you? Had to get your kidney removed.

• 6:21Speaker 01

  Got those as well, thank you. Don't worry.

• 6:23Speaker 02

  Couldn't just have a lazy eye like everyone else.

• 6:26Speaker 03

  That's wild.

• 6:26Speaker 02

  Wow. Oh, bless you, a 10! Oh, we've got a 10-year-old, that's horrible, that's terrifying.

• 6:31Speaker 03

  We'll be looking out for the... Nosebleeds.

• 6:34Speaker 02

  Dude.

• 6:35Speaker 03

  Huge at the minute, do you know that? 10-year-old boys.

• 6:37Speaker 01

  Huge at the minute or do you have a 10-year-old yet? Huge at the minute?

• 6:40Speaker 02

  I don't want to point fingers, yeah, but you look like you were a nosebleed kid.

• 6:43Speaker 01

  You were a nosebleed. Big time, absolutely, of course, big time. I heard all the tricks. It was like the sort of old wives tales of what fixes a nosebleed, what stops a nosebleed. Wet flannel on the back. What are you talking about? It's like when mums are like, conquers on the stairs gets rid of spiders. Like, these two things are not in any way connected. The blood's coming out my nose, maybe flannel on the nose?

• 7:03Speaker 02

  Rub a bit of meat on a wart, bury it in the garden. As the meat rots away, the wart disappears.

• 7:09Speaker 01

  Oh my god, is that real?

• 7:10Speaker 02

  You know that one?

• 7:11Speaker 03

  I've never ever heard that one.

• 7:12Speaker 02

  Shut up, man, really?

• 7:13Speaker 03

  Speaking as a woman with a current verruca, I could have known about that.

• 7:16Speaker 02

  Verruca, how 90s is that?

• 7:18Speaker 01

  You said that. The way you said that was like, we should like be doing like a drive for you, like a charity gig. Speaking as a woman with a current verruca. My god. Yeah, I've got, who hasn't got verrucas? I've got verrucas.

• 7:30Speaker 03

  Well, have you?

• 7:31Speaker 01

  Why not? I mean, it makes more sense for you to have, because you're presumably at swimming pools with children.

• 7:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:36Speaker 02

  Fuck off, you've never fucking been, you haven't been to a swimming pool for years.

• 7:39Speaker 03

  No, but the kids have, Robin sometimes has verrucas and you can just catch them from being around the house.

• 7:43Speaker 02

  Can you?

• 7:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, like genuinely, start wearing some socks because I've been verruca'd.

• 7:49Speaker 01

  Oh, you're a big hygiene guy, aren't you? You're a...

• 7:52Speaker 02

  Do you know what it is? I play fast and loose with it these days, Reece.

• 7:54Speaker 01

  Oh, do you? You were really OCD about it back in the day.

• 7:57Speaker 02

  I used to be when I didn't have kids, yeah.

• 7:58Speaker 01

  Ah, now it's impossible.

• 7:59Speaker 02

  I fast and loose with it, it's not impossible.

• 8:01Speaker 01

  You used to have a mat next to your bed that you'd scrape your feet on before you got into bed, is this correct?

• 8:04Speaker 02

  Yes, that was at the Edinburgh Fringe.

• 8:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 8:06Speaker 02

  Yes, that's because the, you know this.

• 8:09Speaker 03

  I don't know, no I don't.

• 8:10Speaker 01

  You're like, you're so obsessed with not any dirt on your feet being in the bed.

• 8:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, so that's because, right, so at the Edinburgh Fringe, I'm sure we spoke about this, Rosie.

• 8:18Speaker 03

  I don't know about the foot mat. I don't know anything about this.

• 8:22Speaker 02

  Do us a favour, Rosie, Reece is here, when I tell you about it, sexually control yourself. We've got a guest. We've got a guest.

• 8:29Speaker 01

  Don't do that for my benefit, I'd love to see it.

• 8:30Speaker 02

  When I tell you, please, don't throw yourself at us because, you know, wet floor sign. Listen, so I would have, we would, Edinburgh, we'd go to Edinburgh, every comedian, you go to the Edinburgh Fringe for the summer. And some of the houses were, you know, sort of terraced, big old, you'd love them, sort of old Edwardian Victorian Edinburgh houses with the floor, wooden floors.

• 8:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:52Speaker 02

  And you would walk around barefooted for the day and you'd, by the end of the day, you'd just have a look at the bottom of your foot and it was fucking scruffy, like your fucking chimney sweep. So I would have, by the side of my bed, whatever, would have towels, I'd have a hand towel on the floor and I would just use it like a doormat. I would wipe my feet like a little dog. You know when a dog's having a shit and it like scrapes its...

• 9:11Speaker 03

  Wipe and wash your feet!

• 9:12Speaker 02

  Because then I'd have to walk back through the...

• 9:14Speaker 01

  I think they've solved this. I think inventors have solved this issue. It's called socks.

• 9:18Speaker 03

  Socks of foot drops.

• 9:19Speaker 01

  When you said the phrase, and you'd walk around barefoot all day, I was like, well, I'll stop you there.

• 9:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:24Speaker 01

  No, you wouldn't. Who's doing that in Scotland? Scotland. Walking around barefoot all day on wooden floor in a student house in Scotland.

• 9:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah. So, yes, yes. I did. I used to have my little mat at the side of the bed and I would wipe it. Yeah, yeah. And I remember I think Jimmy McGee, so comedian friend of mine, Jimmy McGee saw that and told, told everyone.

• 9:44Speaker 01

  No, I don't think I heard it on the rumor mill. I think you told me. I think you explained it was.

• 9:49Speaker 02

  I might have been bragging about it.

• 9:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you, what was most likely happening is you were slagging off our mutual friend for being unhygienic about something possibly to do with his foot or something that led to you being like, mate, when I'm in this situation, I do this.

• 10:01Speaker 02

  Right.

• 10:02Speaker 01

  And then we were all like, you've come out of this more mad than whatever weird bolamaze he was dipping his toes in.

• 10:07Speaker 02

  Quite a lot in my life, yeah.

• 10:08Speaker 03

  I kind of don't mind it, though. I'd rather you were clean than scummy.

• 10:11Speaker 01

  Spreading the other way around, yeah.

• 10:11Speaker 03

  I did once catch scabies from an ex-boyfriend's house, so.

• 10:16Speaker 01

  What?

• 10:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, of course.

• 10:18Speaker 01

  How, do you know for sure that it was from his house?

• 10:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was a student house.

• 10:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's rough.

• 10:26Speaker 02

  A mate of mine called scabies off a sofa in a student house as well.

• 10:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, it might be off the sofa.

• 10:30Speaker 01

  Is it like, how do you, so how do you get scabies?

• 10:32Speaker 03

  They're just on stuff, I think.

• 10:33Speaker 02

  What is scabies? Sorry, I'm starting to think, scabies not like the lurgy? Is scabies a real one? Have we made that up?

• 10:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, what is it?

• 10:40Speaker 03

  No, you're thinking skin cheese.

• 10:41Speaker 02

  Oh, skin cheese.

• 10:42Speaker 03

  Skin cheese is where.

• 10:43Speaker 02

  Tapping on the window there.

• 10:44Speaker 03

  Skin cheese is when you don't want to be on, so you've got skin cheese.

• 10:47Speaker 02

  That's so you can't get scabies.

• 10:49Speaker 03

  You never heard of skin cheese? Like, skin cheese?

• 10:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, you know all the, so you're weird. Yeah, what do you call knock down ginger and fucking knock a door on?

• 10:58Speaker 02

  Do you know, I found out my last, I had a full tour, we're all over the place here. I had a full tour and I had a massive routine about knock a door run and knock down ginger, whatever you call it. You know, my last date, after I'd recorded it for a special and everything, the last date was in Belfast. Do you know what they call it in Belfast?

• 11:12Speaker 01

  No idea.

• 11:13Speaker 02

  Guess.

• 11:14Speaker 01

  And I'm not, actually, I'm not going to guess anything about Belfast. I will not fall into this trap. I'm not going to, I'm not going to make any assumptions about Belfast.

• 11:21Speaker 02

  You've said it.

• 11:22Speaker 01

  What?

• 11:23Speaker 02

  Belfast.

• 11:24Speaker 01

  No way. No, it's not. They've had you, they've absolutely had you on there. You've fallen for it. All of that crowd are still laughing at the fact they tricked you into thinking it was called Belfast. As if.

• 11:33Speaker 02

  I'm telling you.

• 11:34Speaker 01

  As if it's called Belfast.

• 11:36Speaker 02

  Belfast. I swear to God, full, full crowd were like, yeah, I was like, you call it Belfast?

• 11:39Speaker 03

  If that is, if that's true, that is next.

• 11:41Speaker 02

  I was like, this is the fucking last night of me tour and I've just recorded it and I've, you know.

• 11:46Speaker 01

  Oh, Belfast. I've done it in the Royal Variety.

• 11:51Speaker 01

  It would have been perfect. This would have been perfect.

• 11:53Speaker 02

  It was unbelievable. But yeah, so scabies, right. So shingles is.

• 11:56Speaker 01

  Is scabies like rash?

• 11:57Speaker 03

  It was like a rash, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 11:59Speaker 02

  So scabies is rash. What's shingles? Shingles is?

• 12:01Speaker 03

  Shingles is adult chicken pox.

• 12:03Speaker 01

  Oh, fuck, yeah.

• 12:04Speaker 03

  Make you really poorly, yeah.

• 12:06Speaker 01

  Right.

• 12:06Speaker 02

  Because you can get them through stress, can't you?

• 12:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think so, yeah.

• 12:09Speaker 02

  But you get scabies just off having sex with dirty students on sofas?

• 12:13Speaker 03

  Um.

• 12:13Speaker 02

  Specifically.

• 12:14Speaker 03

  Can't remember having sex on this sofa, if I'm honest. I think I just sat on it.

• 12:18Speaker 02

  Prude?

• 12:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:20Speaker 02

  Fucking frigid.

• 12:24Speaker 01

  Well, I hate to come on your podcast and call you frigid, but I will. If I have to, I will. I'll go on every podcast around the country and call the host frigid if I have to. Mate, I'll make that my mission. This is what I want to do from now on. I want to like have an annual, I don't have kids, right? So I actually have more time than I give myself credit for. So I now need an annual project, right?

• 12:42Speaker 03

  This should be it.

• 12:43Speaker 01

  And so if it's like learn a language or something like that, but actually it's going to be tick off as many podcast hosts that you can call frigid on their podcast as possible and see if anyone notices that you've been doing this everywhere.

• 12:52Speaker 03

  I quite enjoy it because I was anything but, so it's actually quite nice.

• 12:55Speaker 01

  There you go, yeah. Reputation will change.

• 12:57Speaker 02

  It really is.

• 12:57Speaker 01

  What's mumps, then?

• 12:59Speaker 03

  Oh, Jesus.

• 13:01Speaker 01

  Is that more serious? That's more.

• 13:03Speaker 03

  Yeah. Don't, don't we have vaccinations for mumps?

• 13:06Speaker 02

  Measles, mumps and M R.

• 13:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's the glass one where you.

• 13:10Speaker 02

  No, that's measles. If you've got measles, you rub a glass over it.

• 13:14Speaker 03

  I've never had mumps. Have you ever had foot and mouth? Hand, foot and mouth?

• 13:18Speaker 02

  She's not, sorry, that's out of sexual favour, doesn't it?

• 13:20Speaker 01

  You're not frigid at all, my gosh.

• 13:22Speaker 02

  She's not frigid at all, she's just off going to the toilet.

• 13:25Speaker 01

  Jesus, I haven't, but I'll try it.

• 13:29Speaker 01

  If it's available, yeah. Who said there wasn't a fee for this show? Wow. You really treat your guests better than off menu, let me tell you.

• 13:38Speaker 03

  I will not be called frigid.

• 13:41Speaker 02

  Not if I want. I will suck a man off in the toilet just to prove I am nothing, anything like a frigidness.

• 13:51Speaker 03

  It says on here, this really random fun fact.

• 13:54Speaker 02

  We've got some random facts that I'm very concerned about.

• 13:56Speaker 03

  What is this one? It says you embarrassed yourself in front of Mel C.

• 13:59Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, I did.

• 13:59Speaker 03

  What is that?

• 14:01Speaker 05

  That was in, that was in my last tour show in that I, so I had a crush on Mel C when I was growing up.

• 14:08Speaker 03

  Right.

• 14:08Speaker 01

  Didn't we all?

• 14:09Speaker 05

  Sure, right? And I thought she was gay in my like sort of 13 year old head because I was like, she's got tracksuit bottoms on.

• 14:14Speaker 03

  She's so gay.

• 14:15Speaker 05

  She can do a backwards walkover. I mean, I guess that means she's gay.

• 14:19Speaker 03

  Was she ever gay?

• 14:20Speaker 05

  No, she's always been free.

• 14:22Speaker 02

  Was she ever gay?

• 14:23Speaker 03

  No, but yeah, but you know.

• 14:25Speaker 05

  You know, I don't know the ins and outs.

• 14:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 14:27Speaker 05

  But she certainly has a slight vibe.

• 14:30Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 14:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:31Speaker 05

  You know, she's got the tattoo going around the arm. I mean, sure.

• 14:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:35Speaker 05

  Um, and I mean, if you've ever been to one of her gigs, I mean, it's Water Wall Dykes, but, um, honestly, not a sausage inside. It is just.

• 14:45Speaker 03

  So everyone else thought the same thing.

• 14:46Speaker 02

  Water Wall Dykes has an incredible review. Holy shit. I've never heard that phrase in my life.

• 14:53Speaker 05

  I don't, it's not really a phrase.

• 14:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, it is now.

• 14:56Speaker 05

  Yep. Take that on Dragon's Den.

• 14:58Speaker 03

  She needs to call her too, Water Wall Dykes.

• 14:59Speaker 05

  So, um, and so, so, so, yeah, so I had a bit of a crush on Mel C as I was growing up. And then not that long ago, I'd not long been opening on the road with Alan Carr, so I used to open for Alan quite a lot. And he knew I was a massive Spice Girls fan and like all music of kind of that era. And then Alan rang me one day and was like, I've got tickets to go and see All Saints. Do you want to come? And I was like, yeah, I definitely want to come. He was like, is it Coco? It's like a really small gig and I've got like a ticket for like the friends and family area. And I was like, yes, Alan, I will be there with you. So I went as ours plus one. And then, um, and then he was like, oh, Mel C's behind us. And I was like,

• 15:43Speaker 05

  and like I couldn't really believe it. And I, have you ever had that? Because I think, you know, sometimes we're doing our job, you meet other famous people that are like in your world. So we've, we've all met all the stand ups. Do you know what I mean? You've met all the, even the stand ups that you watched growing up.

• 15:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 15:57Speaker 05

  You know, like, you're like, oh my God, I sort of know Jack Dee, that's cool. Or, you know, you know, these people, I know Michael McIntyre, but that's weird. And then, um, but then with someone that's like.

• 16:06Speaker 03

  It's another level, isn't it?

• 16:07Speaker 05

  Yeah. And like, you know that fandom that you only really get when you don't have a life? Because you know when you're a kid?

• 16:13Speaker 03

  Oh God, I love the Spice Girls. I've seen them live, like, yeah, like.

• 16:17Speaker 05

  And like with the Spice Girls, I remember I used to think, oh God, I would love, like, I would have fantasies where I would think, God, I'd love it if the Spice Girls tour bus like broke down outside my house and I had to be like, come and have a cup of tea at my, like, I have these like mad dreams of that. Anyway.

• 16:34Speaker 03

  Because you're 10, you're 11, like, that's how we were.

• 16:36Speaker 05

  Yeah, exactly. And so Alan was like, oh, Suze. And he was like, oh, do you want to meet her? And I was like, yeah, yeah, I do. And then he took me over to her and she's, you know, really nice. She was like, oh, hi, I'm Mel. And I was like, and Alan was like, this is Suzie, she's a stand up, she opens me on tour. And she's like, oh, you're like Suzie, you're a stand up, that's cool. And I was like, and I, and I didn't, I couldn't speak.

• 17:01Speaker 03

  Stop it, you didn't say anything.

• 17:02Speaker 05

  It's the only time in my life that I've ever not been able to speak. I was like,

• 17:09Speaker 03

  Oh my gosh.

• 17:10Speaker 05

  And there was quite a lot of silence.

• 17:11Speaker 02

  Fucking revolting.

• 17:13Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's really gross. It's an ick for sure. And then, um, and then after a while, the only thing I managed to say was, you mean a lot to me and you always will.

• 17:24Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 17:25Speaker 02

  Shut the fuck up, man.

• 17:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, no. No, it's terrible, isn't it? And then Alan went, oh, she's gone weird, I'll take her away.

• 17:34Speaker 05

  It's terrible, isn't it? It was so embarrassing.

• 17:39Speaker 05

  I've met her again since and I was much cooler. And obviously she didn't remember meeting me because I imagine people do that to her every day because she's a Spice Girl. But yeah, I just, it was the only time I've ever been like.

• 17:50Speaker 03

  What did you say? I love you so much and you mean a lot to me.

• 17:53Speaker 05

  No, you mean a lot to me and you always will.

• 17:54Speaker 02

  And you always will.

• 17:56Speaker 05

  I mean, it was so.

• 17:56Speaker 01

  I've got to be honest with you, it's the always will that really puts the fucking stamp on that.

• 18:01Speaker 03

  And I always will.

• 18:02Speaker 05

  Yeah, I mean, the cute thing is, is that.

• 18:05Speaker 02

  It was Alan Carr. Sorry, catch it. I love that it was Alan Carr. Oh, she's gone all weird and talking weird. What a fucking belter.

• 18:09Speaker 05

  Oh, sorry, she's gone weird. Took me a while.

• 18:14Speaker 05

  But then the very sweet thing is that after my shows at the moment, I'm doing a signing because I've just done a book.

• 18:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:19Speaker 05

  And, um, a couple of people have said to me when they, when I'm signing a bit, they say, you mean a lot to me, you always will.

• 18:25Speaker 01

  That's nice.

• 18:26Speaker 05

  So they're letting me know they saw the last tour as well, which is really sweet.

• 18:29Speaker 03

  I love that.

• 18:30Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's really sweet. But yeah, I embarrassed myself in front of a Spice Girl.

• 18:32Speaker 03

  That's fine. I think you're allowed to, like, they're mega stars.

• 18:36Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's huge.

• 18:36Speaker 03

  Do you know what I mean? I don't even know what I would do. Like, I just.

• 18:39Speaker 05

  I was once opening for Joe Lycett and Mel B was in the audience.

• 18:43Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 18:44Speaker 05

  And then she came backstage afterwards. Sure.

• 18:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:47Speaker 05

  And we were chatting and then she put me on her Instagram and was like, oh, I saw this comedian, Suzie Ruff, she was so funny. And Flomation rang me and was like, like, we can carry on working, but is like, you might want to retire now. Like, I don't like, like in a funny way, like, I don't know if it'll ever get better. I mean, yeah, it was very cool.

• 19:05Speaker 02

  I met Mel, but I told you about Mel when I met Mel B. So I did, I did lip sync battle.

• 19:10Speaker 05

  Oh my God.

• 19:12Speaker 02

  Yeah. And she was the host, her and Pro Green were the hosts. And then afterwards, she was so cool and so lovely. And she was like, oh my God, you're so funny, blah, blah. And she was like, have you got, have you got a DVD? And I had my DVD with us, my first DVD. And she was like, oh, I'd love that. Can I have, can I? And I gave her it and I've never seen that since.

• 19:29Speaker 02

  I've never seen her since. I've never heard anything from her. I imagine she either lost it or watched it and hated it. In all honesty, I hope she's forgotten and I hope I never see her again. Because seeing a Spice Girl again years later and she and going, did you see my DVD? And her going, yeah.

• 19:45Speaker 03

  Hey, we're good on her for asking. That's really nice.

• 19:47Speaker 05

  That's nice though.

• 19:48Speaker 02

  Dead and resting, dead and rested, dead.

• 19:50Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 19:51Speaker 02

  Took me DVD and I was like, oh my god, now Beez just took me DVD. It's amazing.

• 19:54Speaker 03

  How long ago was this? DVDs?

• 19:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:57Speaker 03

  We were together. What the fuck?

• 19:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, it was mad.

• 19:59Speaker 03

  Oh god, that's gross.

• 20:02Speaker 02

  This episode is sponsored by TV Licensing. TV License covers you to watch over 400 TV channels and everything on BBC iPlayer. To find out more, go to tvl.co.uk/pod.

• 20:14Speaker 03

  One of my favourite programmes ever is back for a 16th series. It's a real tearjerker. I know you're not as big a fan as I am.

• 20:22Speaker 02

  You are. This is, I will walk in the room and you are crying and I go, oh my god, what's happened? Have you had some terrible news? No, you're just watching.

• 20:29Speaker 03

  Long lost family.

• 20:30Speaker 02

  There it is.

• 20:32Speaker 03

  Born Without a Trace, ITV, BAFTA award winning series.

• 20:36Speaker 02

  Of course.

• 20:36Speaker 03

  Hosted by Davina McCall and Nicky Campbell. It's just, I mean, you would have watched it, it's 16 series in, but it's just so emotional and it's just a fantastic programme.

• 20:47Speaker 02

  I don't know how they host it. It would kill me.

• 20:50Speaker 03

  I think that every episode.

• 20:52Speaker 02

  Yeah. I go, how do you do this job?

• 20:53Speaker 03

  They hold it together really, really well. And it's just beautifully, it's so well done. And it's, yeah, that's back for the 16 series, if you fancy it.

• 21:03Speaker 02

  Now, I tell you what else is back. Something I used to watch all the time and I'm buzzing that it's back this, this summer. Animal Park. Marking 25 years of Ben Fogel and Kate Humble at the heart of BBC's longest running, it's BBC's longest running daytime favourite. It's so, I just, I like, don't get us wrong. I love your sort of Attenborough nature things and your really in-depth things. But Animal Park, it's almost like just a little cosy little, I don't know, like a little cosy little zoo. It's like the day-to-day running of the place.

• 21:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:33Speaker 02

  It's just a really, a good show for all the family on iPlayer to watch whenever. And you're just sticking on when the kids are in and it's just a nice.

• 21:41Speaker 03

  Is it a bit of nostalgia as well?

• 21:42Speaker 02

  Oh, it's huge nostalgia for me. I love it. I mean, it's been running for 25 years. It's a heck of a show.

• 21:46Speaker 03

  And longly to far place.

• 21:47Speaker 02

  Brilliant.

• 21:48Speaker 03

  Kids love anything like that with animals and stuff.

• 21:51Speaker 02

  So do I.

• 21:54Speaker 02

  A TV License covers you to watch over 400 TV channels and everything on BBC iPlayer. To find out more, go to tvl.co.uk/pod.

• 22:06Speaker 06

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• 22:37Speaker 01

  There was a bit that was on the first episode, which Alice, what was it about the, well, you should explain it. It was your, it was your finding.

• 22:45Speaker 05

  The moment.

• 22:46Speaker 01

  The moment.

• 22:46Speaker 05

  My friend who's a doctor told me that horses' legs are their fingers. So through evolution, they have, they have turned into legs, but they are fingers and they're, they're...

• 22:59Speaker 03

  It's disgusting.

• 23:00Speaker 05

  It's disgusting.

• 23:00Speaker 01

  It is quite disgusting.

• 23:01Speaker 05

  It's chilling.

• 23:01Speaker 03

  That's so disgusting.

• 23:03Speaker 05

  And there's more to it than that and it's more complicated than that. Of course, we, we didn't realise that or do that. So now everybody on the internet's really mad at me and it's been clipped up and it's gone, it like wildfire. And I'm, I like every two to three years, I'll post something on Instagram. You know, like I'm, I'm a social media guru. And so the first thing that I've said on the internet since like 1994.

• 23:26Speaker 03

  It's gone mad.

• 23:27Speaker 05

  There's a pylon. There's a major pylon.

• 23:28Speaker 03

  What, are people not, they're not happy or something?

• 23:31Speaker 05

  I think there's...

• 23:32Speaker 01

  People aren't ever happy.

• 23:33Speaker 03

  What?

• 23:35Speaker 02

  I've got questions about this horse.

• 23:36Speaker 05

  Yeah, okay, sure, sure, sure. And I'm definitely the person to answer it.

• 23:39Speaker 01

  But the funny, the funniest comment that I saw, which I might even steal for the next episode without crediting the guy.

• 23:45Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 23:46Speaker 01

  Is that he was like, so that makes, so that essentially makes the entire horse a hand.

• 23:52Speaker 02

  Yeah. So my question is, is that four fingers or is that four legs where one finger's took over on each leg?

• 24:01Speaker 05

  Thank you for your question, Chris. So just to explain this in terms you'll understand, I don't know. I don't know. I'm so out of my depth. I don't know.

• 24:11Speaker 03

  Were they at one point, just like a carcass being dragged along with little nubbins?

• 24:15Speaker 01

  No, they used to roll them.

• 24:16Speaker 03

  Like, yeah, little nubs.

• 24:18Speaker 01

  Horses, it used to just roll horses.

• 24:19Speaker 05

  At one point there were a fist and then they just sort of...

• 24:25Speaker 02

  Who was this friend? Are they a doctor or a vet?

• 24:28Speaker 05

  This is the thing. The comments are like, your, your friend should be struck off.

• 24:32Speaker 03

  Stop it, god's sake.

• 24:33Speaker 05

  People are so angry. But what's really funny about it is...

• 24:37Speaker 01

  And he has been. He has been.

• 24:38Speaker 05

  We had so many chats on that.

• 24:40Speaker 02

  He's done his job. He's been arrested.

• 24:42Speaker 05

  He's in front of a tribunal, as he should be. But we said so many things on that episode and it's the stuff that you don't even think about, like that really catches people's imaginations. And people, my favourite comment was, you absolute Brit. And I didn't know that that was an insult, but people are, you absolute Brit, because a lot of Americans in the comments.

• 25:02Speaker 03

  Oh, really?

• 25:02Speaker 05

  Very livid. People just loving to have a sense of humour bypass about it as well because people are like, did she not learn this at school? I'm like, learn this, this is not my, this is...

• 25:11Speaker 03

  I didn't learn that about evolution.

• 25:13Speaker 01

  What lesson is that? What's that in?

• 25:14Speaker 03

  I learned about the...

• 25:15Speaker 02

  Just, yeah, don't pay no attention. Just give them the horse's leg.

• 25:19Speaker 01

  Exactly. Yeah. But that's the stuff. And also when...

• 25:24Speaker 05

  It's actually excellent.

• 25:25Speaker 02

  That's excellent.

• 25:28Speaker 01

  Actually, all four of us can make up a horse.

• 25:30Speaker 02

  There it is. Yeah. Yeah, I've got a horse on me own.

• 25:34Speaker 05

  Oh my god. Yeah. So now I'm never posting anything on the internet.

• 25:37Speaker 03

  No, well, I would stick away from like religion, evolution, all that kind of stuff.

• 25:41Speaker 05

  The big three, religion, evolution.

• 25:44Speaker 02

  Horses, equestrian legs. As soon as people, as soon as you put a different opinion on, on the internet, that's it. They're just like, wow, we're obviously fighting now. And you're like...

• 25:52Speaker 03

  But you know what my problem is though? I don't know whether it's because of where I was brought up or just, I just want to fight them.

• 25:58Speaker 05

  Sure.

• 25:59Speaker 03

  So part of me wants to go, all right then babe, come and let's come and we'll meet up and we'll have a fight. So that's why I can't, I can't look because I will message them and go, where do you live?

• 26:09Speaker 02

  That's why I find the traitors, I find the traitors amazing, but I find it to be a tough watch because I'm not from a place where you sit around a table telling people what you think of them and it doesn't end up in the fucking car park.

• 26:20Speaker 03

  Shouting that someone's a liar.

• 26:22Speaker 02

  Well, I think you're a liar and I think you're two-faced. Well, this table's getting flipped over and we're going in the fucking car park. Like, do you understand?

• 26:28Speaker 01

  I would love this. You just write on a little board and it just goes...

• 26:37Speaker 01

  I did once do a corporate gig where my, it was in the, in Proud Embankment and Proud Embankment were hosting the Young...

• 26:45Speaker 02

  What? Proud Embankment?

• 26:46Speaker 03

  I don't know what that is.

• 26:46Speaker 01

  Proud Embankment is this big sort of glamorous cabaret club. I don't think it's there anymore.

• 26:51Speaker 02

  Is it London?

• 26:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's, it was Proud Embankment, which is like, I think it's a big gay cabaret bar basically. And it was hosting on this night, the Young Pension Awards. Try and make sense of that. Because I certainly didn't have anything to say about it.

• 27:04Speaker 02

  The Young Pension Awards?

• 27:05Speaker 01

  Young pensions, please. Yeah. Don't know what that means. I think it's young people who work in pensions. I should know this by now, given the gig was 10 years ago. I still haven't done the research.

• 27:12Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 27:12Speaker 01

  But my dressing room was just like kind of this windowless tiny box room. And yeah, and that was it. And it was like, not one of those corporates where they put you up in a fancy hotel or anything like that. It was just like, just go in there for five hours and just wait. But when we did it, we did the rehearsal. For some reason, Arj from The Only Way It's Essex was in the venue because he was playing in the venue in like a month.

• 27:31Speaker 03

  Singing.

• 27:31Speaker 01

  He was like singing, doing a sound check.

• 27:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:33Speaker 01

  And then he just went and sat in my dressing room with like his entourage. But he wasn't even playing that night. He was just like, and he wouldn't get out. And so I had to get like staff from the venue to be like, can you leave? Because this is, I'd like ask and they were just like, no, we're just going to be here for a bit. And I was like, I can't believe I'm getting bullied by artists from The Only Way It's Essex. This is pathetic. So anyway, eventually he leaves, but this sort of starts the day off on quite a bad note. So then he leaves and then I'm sat in the dressing room and normally you would just like, I would just chill out in whatever they've got in the fancy hotel and just wait there. But because it was so, it was like, it was just a horrible tiny room. I went out for dinner and came back. And by the time I came back, in the room, there were like ring dancers suspended from the ceiling, like dancing in rings above the Young Pension Awards. Right? And they were like, they're like basically naked. They're just like in like bikini type clothes and they're just like floating around doing all

• 28:18Speaker 01

  this shit while they all have dinner below them. And I go into my dressing room and now, and I realised from all the feather boas and sushi that are around that I'm obviously sharing this dressing room with said ring dancers. So I sit there, it's tiny, this place. I'm sitting, I'm trying to write a set about Young Pensions or whatever. They eventually both come back in and they're just like, oh hi. And then they go and like sit over here and I'm just like in this bit like, yeah. And I'm like typing away. Then these two ring dancers loudly have a conversation about how they both currently have mumps.

• 28:48Speaker 03

  I had no, when you started talking, I was like, I thought you were talking about mumps.

• 28:52Speaker 01

  When will this become relevant?

• 28:53Speaker 03

  Right.

• 28:56Speaker 01

  That's what, and I'm, so I'm immediately texting my mum like, have I had the MMR vaccine? Because I'm in a windowless box room with two naked ring dancers who currently have mumps, who just by the way, performed suspended above an entire party.

• 29:09Speaker 03

  Only in your face then.

• 29:12Speaker 02

  Can I go warfare?

• 29:13Speaker 01

  Yeah. Release the ring dancers. These pensioners are getting too young.

• 29:18Speaker 02

  Oh my god.

• 29:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:20Speaker 03

  She'll be vulnerable.

• 29:21Speaker 01

  So I'm doing that, I can't get any signal because I'm in this.

• 29:23Speaker 02

  Oh my god.

• 29:24Speaker 01

  Airlocked room with these fucking, they eventually like pack up their feather boas and leave.

• 29:29Speaker 02

  That's awful.

• 29:30Speaker 01

  I then go into the, there's a little bathroom bit of this and I just go in there, then I'm going to come out, I've got to get changed into my suit and then go on.

• 29:35Speaker 02

  Do you find a mump?

• 29:37Speaker 01

  I wish. What happened when I came out is there was just someone, one of the patrons of the party, one of the people who was up for an award was just now in my dressing room breastfeeding.

• 29:47Speaker 01

  And I was like, don't do that in here, there's mumps in here. Of all the places, there's no way your baby's had a vaccination yet.

• 29:53Speaker 02

  There's not mumps in here.

• 29:54Speaker 01

  There's mumps in here. Absolutely dreadful, really awkward. They, I come out, she was like, they said I could do it in here.

• 30:01Speaker 03

  Did you tell her about the mumps? Do you not want to worry her?

• 30:04Speaker 01

  I'll be honest, the conversation we had was quite awkward already.

• 30:08Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 30:08Speaker 01

  Someone is openly breastfeeding that I've never met in front of me.

• 30:10Speaker 02

  Ah, I'm just going to put this out here, I don't think that was your dressing room pal. I'm going to say.

• 30:16Speaker 01

  It was Arge's.

• 30:17Speaker 02

  I don't think you had a dressing room.

• 30:18Speaker 03

  That is.

• 30:19Speaker 01

  No, do you think I didn't even have one?

• 30:21Speaker 02

  You had a communal area that they had told you for ego purposes that that was your dressing room.

• 30:26Speaker 03

  It's the green room.

• 30:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:28Speaker 02

  So.

• 30:28Speaker 03

  But what am I, I'm going to have to Google mumps after this.

• 30:30Speaker 01

  I didn't get mumps, so I must have, I must be vaccinated.

• 30:33Speaker 03

  I think you must have to be quite close.

• 30:35Speaker 01

  Right, I was quite close.

• 30:36Speaker 02

  Apologies to the mump community.

• 30:40Speaker 01

  No, actually, I don't apologise to the mump community.

• 30:43Speaker 02

  I mean, because of our ignorance towards mumps.

• 30:47Speaker 03

  Babadu babadu babadu ba.

• 30:48Speaker 02

  Once at the Edinburgh Festival, you did a wee in a bucket backstage after the performance was over. Then you ended up being covered in your own wee by the next performer who used the bucket for their show.

• 30:57Speaker 04

  She was a performance artist.

• 31:00Speaker 03

  What?

• 31:00Speaker 04

  Yeah, she was a performance artist and Sue and I had shared a dressing room with her. I think her name is Penny Solomon. Penny, if you're listening slash watching, I, I apologise from the bottom of my heart. So we were in that tiny venue in the Pleasance.

• 31:16Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 31:16Speaker 04

  I mean, there's loads of venues in the Pleasance now.

• 31:18Speaker 02

  Was it a hut or was it inside?

• 31:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, they've got the kind of like little garage things, haven't they? Like portable hut things. So you were inside.

• 31:25Speaker 04

  And it was blimming miles away from the nearest loo, like literally miles away. And we were on, you know, in 10 minutes and I thought, I'm not going to make it back for curtain up. I am freaking desperate.

• 31:38Speaker 03

  Desperate.

• 31:39Speaker 04

  Desperate. So I spotted out the corner of my eye, a fire bucket, thought brilliant. Let's, let's ju, let's just do the business.

• 31:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:48Speaker 04

  I'll sort it out. No one will know. I'll put a cloth over it. I'll put a little cloth over it. Sort that out when I finish. I said to Perks, this is what I'm doing, you know, anyway. Did the biz, did the gig, yay, did that. We had promised Penny Solomon, as you do in Edinburgh.

• 32:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:05Speaker 04

  To all your fellow performers.

• 32:07Speaker 03

  Right.

• 32:07Speaker 04

  I'll definitely catch your show. I'll definitely catch your show. I'll come and see your show, don't you?

• 32:11Speaker 02

  Wow, when you actually went, that's really not, you're, you're all the good ones. I've said that so many times and never went.

• 32:16Speaker 04

  No. And, and this was our last.

• 32:18Speaker 02

  Good chance.

• 32:18Speaker 03

  This is a nice lady.

• 32:20Speaker 04

  This was our last opportunity to go, might even have been her last perf. So I said to Perks, look, we've got to go and see Penny's show. It's quite heavy, it's performance art, we've got to go and see. So we were in the front row, a couple of our mates as well, literally strapping in. It was heavy.

• 32:36Speaker 03

  Right.

• 32:36Speaker 04

  It was not a comedy show, it was a brave, poignant piece of performance art. So we were very much just in the zone and she's in a white shift. I seem to remember some sort of long white muslin thing going on.

• 32:50Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 32:50Speaker 04

  And doing lots of stuff, you know, anyway, I think she was calling out for her mother possibly injecting herself, I don't know. Then she whipped off stage and she brought on the fire bucket. Then she reached for an enormous brush and started blessing the audience. Dip, bless, dip, bless. We were covered with my piss.

• 33:21Speaker 04

  The entirety of the 10 rows covered.

• 33:25Speaker 02

  Oh no.

• 33:26Speaker 04

  And we were, Sue and I, I don't think we've ever laughed so much.

• 33:32Speaker 03

  I'm still, I'm.

• 33:33Speaker 04

  It was genius.

• 33:34Speaker 02

  That is.

• 33:35Speaker 03

  Oh my god. Oh my god.

• 33:38Speaker 04

  It was genius. I'd of course forgotten about it, you know, in the kind of, oh darlings, oh thank you so, oh thank you so much, you know, all that stuff, totally forgot about it. Well luckily I didn't take it away because that was one of her key props, but.

• 33:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:52Speaker 04

  It was.

• 33:53Speaker 03

  Oh, that is fantastic.

• 33:54Speaker 04

  Oh, it was, it was genius.

• 33:55Speaker 03

  I love stuff like that though.

• 33:56Speaker 02

  I love that so much.

• 33:57Speaker 03

  That's like, oh.

• 33:59Speaker 04

  It's four in the afternoon, you're watching a performance artist and you're being covered with your own piss.

• 34:04Speaker 02

  That's amazing. And, and Sue knew.

• 34:07Speaker 04

  Sue knew.

• 34:08Speaker 02

  She knew.

• 34:08Speaker 04

  She knew. Well, you know that, you know when you laugh and you can't actually make any noise?

• 34:14Speaker 03

  You can't breathe, yeah.

• 34:15Speaker 04

  It's one of those.

• 34:16Speaker 02

  Like a detention laugh or a funeral laugh, yeah.

• 34:18Speaker 04

  Best ever.

• 34:19Speaker 02

  Can't laugh, not allowed to laugh, have to hold it in, can't make noise, unbelievable.

• 34:22Speaker 03

  That's like, it's stuff that would be in a sitcom.

• 34:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:25Speaker 03

  Like when real life happens stuff.

• 34:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:27Speaker 03

  That should be in a sitcom, it's just my favourite thing ever.

• 34:30Speaker 02

  Greatest note in the history of notes.

• 34:32Speaker 04

  But Penny, I feel for Penny though, because I don't, you know, Penny, I, I don't want, you know.

• 34:38Speaker 03

  Penny didn't know, she didn't realise.

• 34:40Speaker 04

  But she, I mean, she, she was slightly, you know, she was slightly doing that because there was, there was a lot of motion in the front row.

• 34:47Speaker 02

  Because you were laughing so much, yeah. Oh my god.

• 34:50Speaker 04

  But it was the size of the brush, you know, like a, you know, when you're wall, you know, you see a wall papering and you use a wide. A girthy wide brush, it was one of those. It was just woof, woof.

• 35:02Speaker 02

  Like a one where you're going, if you did like that on the ground, it would go like whack, like a whack and a, yeah, oh god.

• 35:08Speaker 03

  Beautiful, just beautiful.

• 35:09Speaker 04

  Fair play. The volume of water in that brush, it wasn't like a piddly, it was like a proper.

• 35:14Speaker 02

  It wasn't water though, that's the best bit.

• 35:17Speaker 05

  Dear Chris and Rosie.

• 35:18Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 35:19Speaker 05

  Please keep me anonymous.

• 35:20Speaker 03

  Always.

• 35:21Speaker 05

  I live in Sheffield and about 10 years ago, I was out celebrating my best friend's birthday. I was pregnant at the time and very sober. I'd popped at the toilet in the club for a wee. When I'd finished, I wiped with what was the last of the loo roll. As I opened the door of the cubicle, a girl flopped through the main door of the toilet. She'd obviously been on a particularly heavy session. She scrambled into an open cubicle, dropped trowel with the door wide open. So as I was standing in the basin, I could clearly see her in the reflection of the mirror. I washed my hands and was reapplying lipstick when I realised the girl had finished and was looking for toilet roll. I turned around to see if any other cubicles had toilet roll, but no joy.

• 36:01Speaker 05

  What happens next seemed to go in slow motion. As I turned back to tell her there wasn't any paper, she.

• 36:10Speaker 03

  Oh, oh my god, I don't know.

• 36:14Speaker 02

  This is very well written. I can see the place, it's extremely grim in my head.

• 36:18Speaker 03

  It's a nightclub.

• 36:19Speaker 05

  Yeah, it says, um, there's a little P S that says Chris Ramsey had a little area recorded on. So that helps.

• 36:27Speaker 02

  Sorry, not in Sheffield. I can do that in my hometown, not in Sheffield. There's no chance I'd get a VIP section in Sheffield.

• 36:33Speaker 03

  Long live dusk.

• 36:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, long live dusk. Rest in peace.

• 36:36Speaker 03

  Well, she's all pregnant on a nightclub.

• 36:37Speaker 02

  What's she done? Right, I am going to go on a limb here and I'm going to say she used her own dress to wipe her arse.

• 36:45Speaker 03

  I was going to say she shit herself, so yeah, maybe.

• 36:47Speaker 02

  I took her necks off and threw them down the thing, possibly. There's no toilet roll. What would you do if there's no toilet roll? You'd just be in the toilet, there's no toilet roll.

• 36:53Speaker 05

  Which presumably she's only had a wee.

• 36:55Speaker 03

  She's had a shake, I'd just shake that and roll.

• 36:58Speaker 05

  Yeah, if it's a wee, yeah.

• 36:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, if it's a wee, just give it a shake, possibly kind of wipe myself on my underwear.

• 37:04Speaker 02

  There it is.

• 37:06Speaker 03

  Goes in the wash, doesn't it?

• 37:07Speaker 05

  Of course. Wait, do you wash yours?

• 37:12Speaker 03

  Am I not meant to?

• 37:15Speaker 02

  No, I've got no idea.

• 37:16Speaker 05

  It's so much worse.

• 37:17Speaker 02

  No.

• 37:18Speaker 03

  Oh my god, is it?

• 37:18Speaker 05

  It's so much, it's, it, yeah, it's upset me. That's, that's, that's the truth. I feel upset by this. It's a pleasure to come and.

• 37:29Speaker 03

  What horrible do you have an happy time about? The Mel C thing and then this, right, okay. God, it's worse.

• 37:36Speaker 05

  Ready?

• 37:37Speaker 03

  Yes, am I?

• 37:38Speaker 05

  She had pulled out a used pad from the overflowing sanitary bin beside her and began to wipe.

• 37:47Speaker 02

  Go and get, no.

• 37:50Speaker 05

  My jaw dropped. She then, quick as a flash, placed it back in the bin, jumped up, pulled up her trousers and left the toilet, leaving me stood alone in the toilets to reflect on what I've witnessed.

• 38:04Speaker 02

  That is absolutely morose.

• 38:09Speaker 05

  That's unacceptable.

• 38:10Speaker 03

  Very really shook. That's horrible.

• 38:13Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 38:13Speaker 02

  That's ruined my day.

• 38:14Speaker 03

  Get a disease.

• 38:16Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 38:17Speaker 03

  Oh god. Oval. Okay.

• 38:20Speaker 05

  I mean.

• 38:21Speaker 03

  I'm really sad.

• 38:22Speaker 02

  That's really bad, that one.

• 38:23Speaker 03

  That's really upsetting, that one.

• 38:24Speaker 02

  I can hear them all laughing in the other room.

• 38:25Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's really.

• 38:25Speaker 02

  I've gone all cold.

• 38:27Speaker 03

  We've had a really nice time and that's.

• 38:28Speaker 05

  We've had a lovely time. I opened up to you about MLC.

• 38:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:31Speaker 05

  Told you about how much I love stand up.

• 38:32Speaker 03

  Yeah. I got deep about my mum and dad.

• 38:34Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 38:34Speaker 03

  And then some fucking disgusting bitch is waving a badge on it, used.

• 38:38Speaker 05

  Sanitary towel.

• 38:39Speaker 03

  Sanitary towel.

• 38:40Speaker 02

  I mean, that's like sharing a needle.

• 38:42Speaker 03

  God, that is bad.

• 38:45Speaker 05

  Do you know what I'm gonna say? I think it's worse than sharing a needle. I reckon, if you're at a start, like, I mean.

• 38:50Speaker 03

  There's something about period blood.

• 38:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:52Speaker 03

  Your own is fine, all right? Maybe somebody else who you really fucking love is all, but a stranger has period blood.

• 38:59Speaker 05

  Yeah, I mean, she's got Hep C.

• 39:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:01Speaker 05

  That's amazing, we've got.

• 39:02Speaker 03

  That's the, that's the least.

• 39:03Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 39:04Speaker 03

  What the fuck?

• 39:05Speaker 05

  Yeah. Anyway, this episode is in loving memory of that girl.

• 39:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:09Speaker 05

  Who didn't always make great choices, but now has to have a good night out.

• 39:12Speaker 02

  Which I followed through.

• 39:13Speaker 05

  She, well, I hope not.

• 39:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'll just use you, like, guys. Okay, go, go, I'm gonna have to go.

• 39:17Speaker 02

  So is a refuel. You mean so much to us and yours as well.

• 39:20Speaker 05

  Thank you very much. God, are we leaving on that?

• 39:22Speaker 03

  I know, I'm so sorry.

• 39:23Speaker 05

  Jesus.

• 39:24Speaker 02

  That is what we leave on.

• 39:25Speaker 05

  I haven't even told you about the, the fact that Chris was the first person I ever knew that had an iPad.

• 39:30Speaker 02

  What? Is that true?

• 39:31Speaker 05

  It's what I always think of when I think of you.

• 39:33Speaker 02

  No way!

• 39:34Speaker 03

  Please don't tell this story.

• 39:35Speaker 02

  This is amazing. I'm so proud.

• 39:37Speaker 03

  He's always been a spoilt brat.

• 39:40Speaker 05

  You were doing new material at a gig.

• 39:44Speaker 05

  I think in Newcastle. And, um, I was very green. I was quite new. You've been doing stand for a little bit longer than me. And you were like, you were closing, but you were trying new stuff and I was hosting. And you, you took an iPad on stage and I thought, God, he must be doing so well. He can afford an iPad. And I think that most times when I see you.

• 40:08Speaker 03

  It's fantastic.

• 40:10Speaker 05

  First person I ever met that had an iPad.

• 40:12Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 40:13Speaker 05

  And I remember you being like, yes, like, yes, just like, yeah. And I'd be like, oh, my God. And he's written up his material.

• 40:18Speaker 03

  And that's why I went out with you.

• 40:20Speaker 02

  That's it.

• 40:20Speaker 03

  Wasn't that?

• 40:21Speaker 05

  Velvet robes and one iPad.

• 40:23Speaker 03

  It was the iPad.

• 40:23Speaker 02

  My guest list for the velvet robe section was on an iPad.

• 40:26Speaker 05

  Yeah. And it just said your name.

• 40:29Speaker 03

  Isn't it funny what like, cause obviously what, what sticks, but that person never knows.

• 40:34Speaker 05

  Well, yeah, that's what, I thought of it as soon as they, like, do you want to do Chris Marais's podcast? I was like, yeah, I'd love to. And then I had.

• 40:40Speaker 02

  Do you know what it is? Do you know what's so awful about me? And this is why I'm a disgusting hypocrite. If I was at a gig now and someone went on with an iPad, I'd be like, look at that fucking wanker.

• 40:47Speaker 05

  Well, I mean, everyone did think that, but, um.

• 40:56Speaker 06

  Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lululemon fall drop. Because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it. Lululemon's fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces. So I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece and head out. Knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at lululemon.com.

• 41:27Speaker 04

  Dear Chris and Rosie.

• 41:28Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 41:29Speaker 04

  Please keep me anonymous.

• 41:30Speaker 03

  Will do.

• 41:31Speaker 04

  Recently on the podcast, Rosie mentioned she'd started pilates.

• 41:35Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 41:35Speaker 04

  And it reminded me of my very first reformer. Not reform, reformer pilates class.

• 41:44Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 41:45Speaker 04

  I walked in as a complete beginner to one of those classes where everyone else clearly knew exactly what they were doing. Determined not to look clueless, I lay flat on my back as instructed. And avoided constantly popping my head up to copy everyone else.

• 41:59Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 42:00Speaker 04

  I like that. Instead, I decided to just listen carefully and follow the instructor's directions. The problem was she kept referring to your carriage.

• 42:10Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 42:12Speaker 04

  Put your hands flat on your carriage.

• 42:13Speaker 03

  No, no.

• 42:14Speaker 04

  Move your feet onto your carriage. Now, knowing pilates is meant to be good for your pelvic floor, I naturally assumed carriage was just some cutesy pilates term for your fanny. You know, your undercarriage.

• 42:31Speaker 03

  Oh, God. Oh, God. No.

• 42:34Speaker 04

  So good.

• 42:35Speaker 02

  Oh, it's gorgeous.

• 42:36Speaker 04

  So for the first 20 minutes of the class, I was basically just touching myself.

• 42:46Speaker 04

  I did feel slightly self-conscious when the instructor said things like, grab your carriage and pull yourself along. But I assumed everyone else was simply far more experienced with this technique than I was.

• 43:01Speaker 02

  For me, right, for me, what we're not thinking about here is there are people, including the instructor, who could see everyone else doing it. And this other lady just literally just grabbing herself. Like, she came in, she didn't do any of the stuff, she just touched her fanny for like an hour, then she left, like, what the fuck? That's great.

• 43:17Speaker 04

  And then she pulled herself along.

• 43:18Speaker 03

  What?

• 43:19Speaker 02

  Like a dog with worms on a carpet.

• 43:22Speaker 03

  You didn't know what the carriage was there, did you?

• 43:24Speaker 02

  It's the thing, it's the sliding.

• 43:25Speaker 03

  You're on the bed, yeah. It's called the carriage, yeah.

• 43:27Speaker 04

  She goes on.

• 43:28Speaker 03

  Oh, God, love that.

• 43:29Speaker 04

  It was only when she announced, now put your tippy toes on your carriage, that I finally thought, hang on. This feels excessive. So I sat up to look around and discovered everyone else had their tippy toes perched on the moving bench with wheels that they were lying on, also known as the carriage.

• 43:47Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 43:47Speaker 03

  Wonderful.

• 43:48Speaker 04

  Absolutely genius.

• 43:50Speaker 02

  Gorgeous.

• 43:51Speaker 03

  Oh, I'd love that. God, love that.

• 43:53Speaker 04

  I mean, I, I've never done pilates, so I didn't even know that the carriage existed.

• 43:56Speaker 03

  The carriage does, it's really hard. It's hard.

• 43:59Speaker 04

  Is it, is it good though, pilates?

• 44:00Speaker 03

  It's good. Apparently it's very good for you. It's like strength training, but you're kind of like working. So the, what I got told just recently, which I didn't realise, the, there's like, they're on springs. And they are equivalent to sort of like weights. And the carriage is like you move, so it's, it's rate resistant. It's really good.

• 44:17Speaker 04

  Ah.

• 44:17Speaker 03

  It's good for when you get a bit older.

• 44:19Speaker 04

  Oh, well, I've got to start doing a bit of this. I've been down the road where I live. I got sort of suckered in by a little blackboard outside. Blast Fitness.

• 44:29Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 44:30Speaker 02

  Sounds very aggressive.

• 44:31Speaker 03

  Sounds very, it sounds bad for your knees. I don't like the sound of that. Oh, there's gonna be a lot of burpees.

• 44:36Speaker 04

  Blast Fitness.

• 44:36Speaker 03

  Do you like burpees? No.

• 44:39Speaker 04

  I've signed up though.

• 44:40Speaker 03

  Oh, God, that's a wish.

• 44:41Speaker 04

  Signed up. I always do that. I sign up.

• 44:43Speaker 02

  And I'll say it again, there's a reason that burpees rhymes with herpes.

• 44:48Speaker 02

  They burn.

• 44:48Speaker 03

  No.

• 44:49Speaker 04

  Burpees is, burpees is the one where you.

• 44:52Speaker 03

  Can't do them.

• 44:53Speaker 04

  You're down on the ground and then you flip out the back legs and then you come back up.

• 44:56Speaker 02

  And then you jump.

• 44:57Speaker 04

  Horrid.

• 44:57Speaker 03

  No.

• 44:58Speaker 02

  Horrendous.

• 44:58Speaker 04

  I've got my sex.

• 44:59Speaker 03

  Walk on an incline.

• 45:00Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:01Speaker 03

  Bit of running, bit of light jog and some reformer pilates.

• 45:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:04Speaker 03

  But go and let us know what it's like.

• 45:06Speaker 02

  So I can understand, sorry, I can understand weights for strength. I can understand running, cycling, all of that. Uh, if I'm getting chased by a fucking wolf, I'm not doing burpees.

• 45:17Speaker 03

  That is so good.

• 45:17Speaker 02

  They are not applicable to the real world. I didn't, I didn't want to say bear, cause bear sounds too much like burpees and it's, you know, comedy wise, you know? But yeah, if I'm getting chased by a wolf or a murderer, I'm not burping me way out of there.

• 45:29Speaker 03

  No, but that was a question that was on the internet a lot recently, wasn't it?

• 45:32Speaker 02

  What?

• 45:32Speaker 03

  The man or the bear?

• 45:33Speaker 02

  Oh, that was, yeah.

• 45:34Speaker 03

  I know, you didn't enjoy that, did you?

• 45:36Speaker 04

  What was that?

• 45:37Speaker 03

  Oh, it was whether, would you rather be chased in a wood by a man?

• 45:41Speaker 02

  A man or a bear.

• 45:41Speaker 03

  Or a bear.

• 45:42Speaker 04

  Is the man with weapon or is the man without weapon?

• 45:45Speaker 02

  I think the whole, the whole point was about the toxicity of men, of where so many women.

• 45:49Speaker 03

  Too many women chose the bear.

• 45:50Speaker 02

  I was upset. I was upset. I was upset.

• 45:53Speaker 04

  I think I, is it a brown bear or a black bear?

• 45:57Speaker 03

  Ooh.

• 45:58Speaker 04

  What, what? Because no, one is more vicious, isn't it?

• 46:01Speaker 03

  I think black bears are more vicious.

• 46:02Speaker 04

  Yeah, what, the, one is, is bigger and more vicious. Is that right?

• 46:07Speaker 03

  I don't, I don't actually know.

• 46:08Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 46:09Speaker 04

  I don't know. I need to know more detail.

• 46:11Speaker 03

  I called a polar bear a snow panda recently, so I've got nothing to.

• 46:13Speaker 02

  She did call it, she did call a polar bear a snow panda.

• 46:15Speaker 03

  Do you need to forget the name or something?

• 46:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, there was snow panda, wasn't it? Is that what you said? A snow panda? It's fucking bang on, to be fair, like.

• 46:21Speaker 03

  I'm losing my mind. Get me to that bear.

• 46:27Speaker 02

  Okay, dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous for the sake of my professional registration.

• 46:32Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 46:33Speaker 02

  And also because I never want this woman finding me again. I work in oral and maxillofacial surgery.

• 46:39Speaker 03

  Ooh.

• 46:40Speaker 02

  You heard of that?

• 46:40Speaker 03

  No.

• 46:41Speaker 02

  No. Maxillofacial.

• 46:43Speaker 03

  Is that when they put the fingers in your mouth?

• 46:45Speaker 02

  You're not frigid at all, my God, how dare I?

• 46:49Speaker 04

  Yeah, you picked.

• 46:49Speaker 03

  You're wrong slag.

• 46:53Speaker 02

  Here's a problem we've got, by the way. She says freely uses the word slag so much that sometimes I accidentally use it when I'm not with her and get some weird looks.

• 47:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, you're not allowed to slag.

• 47:02Speaker 01

  So slag out, is slag out?

• 47:03Speaker 03

  No, for women it is, but I don't think men are allowed to say slag.

• 47:04Speaker 02

  Women can see, I don't think men are supposed to. But now and then I'll be like, oh slag, and people look at us, I go, oh fuck, I'm not with Rosie. I kind of get a bye. Whenever I'm with Rosie, I get allowed to say it.

• 47:13Speaker 01

  You need a hall pass. My mum says I'm allowed to say slag, actually.

• 47:18Speaker 01

  Wow. Okay. So it says, so think facial trauma, abscesses and a staggering number of drunk people knocking their own teeth out.

• 47:25Speaker 03

  All right, okay, nice.

• 47:26Speaker 01

  But it is kind of what we've been discussing this whole episode.

• 47:28Speaker 02

  It's drugs.

• 47:28Speaker 03

  I knocked my tooth out, eighteen drunk.

• 47:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:31Speaker 03

  I did it twice, then I did it again when I was twenty four.

• 47:33Speaker 01

  And did you go, what happened?

• 47:34Speaker 03

  I just went to the dentist.

• 47:36Speaker 01

  And did you, they put that, was that tooth smashed or did they give you a fake?

• 47:39Speaker 03

  I got a filling. If you look really closely.

• 47:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:42Speaker 03

  You can tell.

• 47:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:44Speaker 03

  Look closely. I actually just went to the dentist the other day.

• 47:45Speaker 02

  When you're both in the toilet after this and she's giving you foot and mouth, you have a good look.

• 47:48Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, when I'm doing your hand foot mouth.

• 47:50Speaker 01

  When I'm doing your hand foot mouth. What a phrase, what a phrase, dude.

• 47:54Speaker 03

  I went to the dentist just the other day, literally the other day, and I had to have a nerve test because he's like, yeah, it's going a bit grey. I was like, great.

• 48:00Speaker 02

  They're grey.

• 48:01Speaker 03

  It's going a bit grey. It's still alive. It's still alive. No, it's still hanging in there. Two decades later.

• 48:07Speaker 01

  You can, it's when there's certain light, isn't there? If you're like in a nightclub and then it's like the.

• 48:11Speaker 02

  We'll not have to worry about that.

• 48:12Speaker 01

  The black, and you smile and then one of them's just like, they're all white and one of them's blanked out or whatever. All the other way around, I don't know.

• 48:18Speaker 03

  Right, sorry. Trauma, trauma.

• 48:21Speaker 01

  Anyway, yeah, after five years of blood, pus and chaos, I thought I'd seen it all. I had not. Last summer, I was running a clinic seeing new GP referrals. In walks this lovely lady and I start taking a history. She tells me she has a partial upper denture. Here we go. One where you still have some of your own teeth, so it just fills the gaps. So she's got that but hasn't seen a dentist in ages. During this time, one of her front teeth has fallen out. Now, most people in this situation have two options. Go to a dentist like a normal human being or accept the gap and do nothing about it.

• 48:55Speaker 02

  I've just done. But I know exactly what's happened here. This is horrible.

• 48:59Speaker 01

  This lady chose the secret third option and went for go feral and take matters into her own hands. She proudly tells me she sorted it herself and removes her denture to show me her handiwork. At this point, I'm expecting maybe a bit of dodgy glue, some chewing gum. No. She had, I'd like to invite guesses at this stage.

• 49:19Speaker 02

  Oh, well, that was me, that was me guess. I thought she'd glued it. I thought she'd glued the other tooth to the denture, but it's not glued, it's something else.

• 49:25Speaker 01

  Not glue, it's not chewing gum.

• 49:26Speaker 02

  Oh, so what she's done is, so she's got this palette, it's like a, like a braces palette, but it's got the tooth that was there by the dentist. Now she's knocked another tooth out. So my thought was, I went, she's just glued it to the thing, but she hasn't just glued it, she's done something else.

• 49:40Speaker 03

  But I think, has she put a bit of mug?

• 49:43Speaker 01

  What a great shout, that is. A bit of mug.

• 49:45Speaker 03

  Or like a bit, a little porcelain.

• 49:49Speaker 01

  But like with the logo on it. Knock the what?

• 49:54Speaker 01

  World's best.

• 49:56Speaker 02

  Happy Mother's Day.

• 49:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 49:58Speaker 03

  Dishwasher, see. Um.

• 50:00Speaker 02

  What a dishwasher. A little dishwasher, see, if I go.

• 50:05Speaker 01

  But am I wrong?

• 50:05Speaker 01

  Sports Direct. Fucking hell, it's a big tooth.

• 50:10Speaker 03

  So it's not that though, it's not that?

• 50:11Speaker 01

  It's not a bit of mug, no.

• 50:12Speaker 03

  Okay, okay, okay.

• 50:12Speaker 02

  What is it? Because I thought she just glued the extra tooth to it, she hasn't.

• 50:15Speaker 01

  This woman, you're gonna lose your mind especially. This woman had grown out one of her fingernails to tooth length.

• 50:24Speaker 02

  Oh, no.

• 50:25Speaker 01

  Cut it off and super glued it onto her denture to replace the missing tooth. She had made a nail tooth. Safe to say, I'll never complain about a slightly dodgy denture again.

• 50:35Speaker 02

  That.

• 50:36Speaker 03

  That's.

• 50:37Speaker 01

  That is so inconsistent though. Like, the feeling you get on your tongue of your tooth behind is like.

• 50:43Speaker 03

  That's just, she'd have been better off doing a mug.

• 50:45Speaker 02

  I was just gonna say, a mug would have been better.

• 50:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 50:48Speaker 02

  Just the handle, just the handle of a white mug.

• 50:50Speaker 03

  Holy shit.

• 50:51Speaker 02

  A little bit, yeah, a little bit, you know, a little bit of curve in it, a little bit of curve in it for you.

• 50:54Speaker 01

  I'm not going, I'm handling the most rogue shout I've heard in my fucking life.

• 50:58Speaker 03

  I was thinking a chip. That's disgusting.

• 51:00Speaker 01

  Handle's way too thick. Sorry, tooth is a full handle coming down. You know what I'm imagining now?

• 51:05Speaker 02

  Like one of them goats where the horn grows into their eye. That has upset me so much.

• 51:11Speaker 01

  What you're feeling in your mouth is, that must be.

• 51:13Speaker 03

  Just some nail.

• 51:14Speaker 02

  I wouldn't have been able to stop tonguing that. I would have ulcers on the end of my tongue.

• 51:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:17Speaker 01

  What if you bite your nails? Not only biting your own tooth off, with your tooth.

• 51:20Speaker 03

  With your teeth. We've had some wild stuff on here and that is, that's up there, that's crazy.

• 51:26Speaker 01

  You'd also, you'd definitely notice looking at the, when they smile.

• 51:28Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, but yellow.

• 51:30Speaker 02

  It's gonna look like a little cap, like a little peak of a cap.

• 51:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, right, so there's a white bit at the bottom, you mean? A white bit at the bottom.

• 51:36Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 51:37Speaker 03

  In their defence.

• 51:39Speaker 02

  White nail polish, oh?

• 51:40Speaker 03

  Well, it's part of their.

• 51:41Speaker 01

  It's gotta be, right, because it doesn't, it doesn't look, a nail doesn't look, I've never looked at my nails and gone and thought they look like teeth.

• 51:46Speaker 03

  No, mine are like yellow, they're disgusting.

• 51:48Speaker 02

  She's buzzing about it as well.

• 51:49Speaker 03

  Well, but it is part of our body, I suppose. She's thought, like, recycle, reuse, whatever.

• 51:53Speaker 01

  And you could paint it any colour as well. So if you want a red one that day.

• 51:56Speaker 03

  Gold.

• 51:57Speaker 02

  Christmas, yeah, New Year's Eve, put a gold or silver.

• 51:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, glitter for Christmas, yeah.

• 52:01Speaker 02

  I suppose mine must have metal grills, why? No, we can't defend this, I'm not having it. We're trying to be nice here, just in case.

• 52:08Speaker 05

  Dear Chris and Rosie.

• 52:09Speaker 03

  Hello.

• 52:10Speaker 05

  Please keep me anonymous.

• 52:11Speaker 03

  Always.

• 52:12Speaker 05

  Let's dox them now. I'm writing to you with a dilemma. My partner and I have always had a very adventurous sex life.

• 52:18Speaker 03

  Good, nice.

• 52:18Speaker 05

  All right, show off. And I've recently got into the lifestyle. For those that are unaware, it's swinging.

• 52:24Speaker 03

  Swinging. We get a lot of swingers writing in, defending swinging.

• 52:27Speaker 05

  They call it the lifestyle, yeah.

• 52:28Speaker 03

  Sounds like a leisure centre, doesn't it?

• 52:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's, it's a David Lloyd centre initiative. It's called the lifestyle. You do paddle, you do tennis, you do swimming, you do shagging.

• 52:38Speaker 03

  Dogging.

• 52:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, dogging, dogging and paddle. Doggy paddle.

• 52:42Speaker 05

  Including the heck of it.

• 52:43Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 52:44Speaker 03

  Well done.

• 52:44Speaker 05

  Oh, for goodness sake, very good.

• 52:45Speaker 03

  Sorry, right, okay, sorry, the lifestyle.

• 52:46Speaker 02

  Sorry, start again, start again, sorry.

• 52:47Speaker 03

  Start again. No, no, no, just from the lifestyle.

• 52:50Speaker 05

  We'll start on again. We're, from the, everything from the top.

• 52:54Speaker 02

  Let's do ten more minutes on the word lifestyle.

• 52:56Speaker 05

  And sit down. Greg and Alice, nice to see you. Okay. We both, we both enjoy watching the other person receive pleasure from others.

• 53:02Speaker 03

  Brilliant.

• 53:02Speaker 05

  It might sound strange.

• 53:04Speaker 03

  No.

• 53:04Speaker 05

  But it works for us and our relationship has dramatically improved since starting. There is a very popular website for those involved in the lifestyle and you can search for profiles near you, you can search for profiles near you. Imagine my shock horror when, whilst browsing the site, I saw someone with tattoos that I recognised. And in said photo, they're in, let's say, a compromising position with another person. Important to note that on this website, you can see the people who have viewed your profile. To be fair, to be clear, that says it here, I'm not just telling you that.

• 53:35Speaker 03

  So they've seen, people can view your profile, you can view theirs.

• 53:39Speaker 02

  Is that card blank?

• 53:40Speaker 03

  And then you see.

• 53:41Speaker 01

  This is actually an advert.

• 53:42Speaker 02

  Is that card blank?

• 53:44Speaker 05

  I'll just say, it's important to note that on the website, if you go on someone's profile, just for future reference, they can see you've been on it.

• 53:51Speaker 03

  Okay, they can see that you've been.

• 53:52Speaker 05

  Something about tattoos. Anyway, what would you do?

• 53:54Speaker 01

  Use the code Alice Levine for fifteen percent off.

• 53:57Speaker 05

  Alice twenty, hashtag. Yes. With this in mind and to limit any potential awkwardness, I didn't view the profile and scroll past it. So it's like sexy LinkedIn where if you click on them, they can, they can see that you've been there.

• 54:09Speaker 03

  Oh, they can see, okay, right.

• 54:14Speaker 03

  That would be a good name, sexy LinkedIn.

• 54:16Speaker 01

  I thought nothing of it until a few days later, I was going through photos on my phone and I saw a photo from a few years back of myself and my dad on holiday.

• 54:27Speaker 01

  My dad is shirtless in the photo.

• 54:29Speaker 05

  No.

• 54:30Speaker 01

  And, if you hadn't already guessed, we've already guessed, yes, the tattoos were on show. The, this is in capital letters, the same tattoos I saw in the profile on Alice Levine's website.

• 54:44Speaker 01

  Should have redacted that bit.

• 54:46Speaker 05

  I really regret typing this out at all. Yeah, go on.

• 54:48Speaker 01

  My parents split when I was young and I, and he hasn't had a relationship since. I was absolutely mortified and now I have no idea what to do. So I'm, guess what I'm asking is, what do I do? And how do I approach this situation? I'm pretty sure he hasn't viewed my partner and mine's profile. However, I'm scared he may come across this. It's obviously not some, it's obviously not something I want to discuss with my father. What should I do? Any advice you can give would be much appreciated.

• 55:13Speaker 02

  Leave the website.

• 55:14Speaker 01

  Leave the country.

• 55:15Speaker 03

  Why should you? She's having a nice time.

• 55:18Speaker 02

  First of all, first question.

• 55:19Speaker 03

  It's a website, she doesn't have to, like, do her dad.

• 55:22Speaker 02

  All right, but.

• 55:24Speaker 05

  I must make clear, she doesn't have to do her dad. That's one of the founding tenets of the website. You don't have to do your dad.

• 55:29Speaker 02

  Right, okay. So, first of all.

• 55:31Speaker 01

  Good podcast title.

• 55:32Speaker 05

  Yeah, you'd have to do your dad.

• 55:33Speaker 01

  Welcome.

• 55:34Speaker 05

  That's like a mashup of all of the podcasts.

• 55:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, that ever been made. Just remember, and remember, you don't have to do your dad. See you next week.

• 55:42Speaker 03

  We should do a podcast together. We should do another one together, call that.

• 55:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:46Speaker 05

  Just about.

• 55:47Speaker 01

  First of all. You don't have to do shag your dad doing a porn.

• 55:50Speaker 02

  It says that her dad, they broke up, the mom and dad broke up. So then it said the dad hasn't had a relationship since.

• 55:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:56Speaker 02

  So he's on a, had on, no, no, but he's on a swinger's website. How? Surely, do you not have to, this is gonna sound really bad, do you not have to bring?

• 56:04Speaker 03

  No, she's not had a relationship with him. No, he's not had a relationship.

• 56:07Speaker 02

  No, no, no, it says he had.

• 56:09Speaker 05

  But I think you can join. Some, a couple that swing.

• 56:11Speaker 01

  You're just a solo.

• 56:12Speaker 02

  Oh, you don't have to bring your own merchandise.

• 56:14Speaker 05

  I don't know if it's a team, if you have to be in a team.

• 56:17Speaker 03

  They've got names. Women are unicorns.

• 56:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:20Speaker 03

  Because there's not many single women.

• 56:21Speaker 02

  Oh, one of them got me shocked by strangers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, I believe that.

• 56:24Speaker 03

  And men, they've got a certain name and I've totally forgot. Something like, it's like cowboy or something. No.

• 56:29Speaker 02

  It's pigs. It's probably pigs.

• 56:30Speaker 01

  But, but so there's obviously like the couple. And then if you want to just be, you know, like a, a rogue, the plus one. You, that's what he, the dad might just be that. He might be sort of a gun for hire, a cock for hire.

• 56:43Speaker 05

  There are no stupid questions, Chris. This is a safe space. Yeah. Anything more, Chris? I'm just like, we're, we want you to feel comfortable.

• 56:50Speaker 02

  Are these all in the F A Qs on your website?

• 56:51Speaker 05

  They're all there. And we also offer a kind of one-to-one mentoring session before you, you know, proceed.

• 56:57Speaker 02

  Can I do a via Zoom?

• 56:58Speaker 05

  Enter the community. Absolutely.

• 56:59Speaker 02

  Good. Thank you. Yeah.

• 56:59Speaker 01

  Thing is with this, I would, I feel like they're all open-minded enough to just talk about it. Don't they?

• 57:06Speaker 02

  Fair.

• 57:07Speaker 03

  The swingers accept swingers, I think.

• 57:08Speaker 01

  I just feel like, you know, just say it.

• 57:10Speaker 05

  But all.

• 57:11Speaker 01

  Saw your profile, dad.

• 57:13Speaker 05

  I guess.

• 57:13Speaker 03

  Well, welcome to the community.

• 57:15Speaker 02

  I just feel like she's gonna be, if she's, if they're within the same sphere, she's gonna be looking over her shoulder. Quite literally.

• 57:20Speaker 01

  And hopefully he's not there.

• 57:21Speaker 05

  Oh, God.

• 57:22Speaker 03

  Oh, this has gone, this has got to rim.

• 57:24Speaker 05

  This one's gone south, so to speak. Here's my thing. You don't wanna, and obviously I've done a whole podcast about dads and pornography. You don't, and actually documentaries about swinging, but you never want to think about your parents having sex. I would say especially with your other parent. Like, I think that's worse than thinking your parent having sex with a stranger.

• 57:46Speaker 02

  Right.

• 57:47Speaker 05

  But you also have, no, I think it is, isn't it?

• 57:51Speaker 01

  I don't know. I think it's all quite bad.

• 57:52Speaker 05

  It's all quite bad. Everyone's thinking right now. Everyone's like, I don't know.

• 57:56Speaker 01

  Yeah. Does everyone listen now? Think about your parents having sex? Now swap out one of those parents for a stranger.

• 58:02Speaker 05

  The more I can.

• 58:03Speaker 01

  Please let Rosin Chris know. What's worse?

• 58:06Speaker 05

  But I do think on some weird level, you also want them to be happy and, right? You want them to be having a nice time. Is it just me?

• 58:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, no, that's absolutely.

• 58:16Speaker 03

  No, yeah, that's very, that is very open-minded of you. I love that. Very modern.

• 58:20Speaker 01

  Suddenly feels like we're on this morning.

• 58:21Speaker 03

  Very, you're so modern.

• 58:22Speaker 02

  It's why I should have founded this entire community.

• 58:23Speaker 05

  Have I lost everyone? I've lost the room.

• 58:25Speaker 03

  No, I think, no.

• 58:26Speaker 05

  I've lost the room and I feel very exposed.

• 58:29Speaker 03

  No, because parents deserve a good sex life too.

• 58:32Speaker 05

  I don't want to be on the same website as them.

• 58:34Speaker 03

  Well, yeah, that one of them's got, one of them's got to leave. End off. One of them's got to leave.

• 58:38Speaker 02

  Can you block people on this website?

• 58:39Speaker 03

  Maybe.

• 58:39Speaker 02

  That would be my suggestion.

• 58:41Speaker 05

  On a dating app?

• 58:42Speaker 02

  Right. My suggestion would be to block her father.

• 58:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:45Speaker 02

  Block him.

• 58:46Speaker 03

  Block him. Block him good and hard.

• 58:48Speaker 05

  But I'm kind of with what you're saying.

• 58:50Speaker 02

  Did not mean the good and hard.

• 58:51Speaker 03

  Sorry.

• 58:52Speaker 05

  Question, how don't you know what your dad's tattoos look like?

• 58:54Speaker 03

  That's weird, isn't it?

• 58:56Speaker 05

  I mean, that's the real troubling thing about this story, isn't it?

• 58:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, I guess. But you would, oh.

• 59:02Speaker 03

  You'd know them off by heart.

• 59:03Speaker 02

  Maybe if you saw them off, yeah.

• 59:05Speaker 03

  No, say moles. I could tell you where my dad's moles are.

• 59:07Speaker 02

  Could you? Where are they?

• 59:08Speaker 05

  Okay, wait. Weirder thing.

• 59:09Speaker 01

  Well, go on, give it. Map him. Let's draw him and we'll map him now.

• 59:12Speaker 05

  Sorry. Weirder than being on the same story.

• 59:14Speaker 02

  So, no, I didn't, I didn't think this would come up, but we actually don't ever play at kids' parties. We don't play, play in the tail on the donkey. We pay, put the mole on the dad.

• 59:22Speaker 05

  Put the mole on your dad.

• 59:24Speaker 03

  You know what I mean though?

• 59:25Speaker 02

  Just have a big photo, massive A3 photo of our dad's back and we all go and put moles on it. And then he comes out, takes his shirt off and he goes, and we see how many he's got, right?

• 59:32Speaker 05

  It's like the night sky. You know, there's the Big Dipper.

• 59:34Speaker 02

  Kids doing a, they're doing a dot to dot on his back. Yeah, yeah, it's great.

• 59:37Speaker 05

  Sorry. You think you know where all the moles are on your dad's back.

• 59:42Speaker 02

  Fucking weirdest thing anyone's ever said.

• 59:44Speaker 05

  You need to be arrested on the spot.

• 59:47Speaker 01

  Are you, are you moley?

• 59:48Speaker 03

  So, in my defence.

• 59:49Speaker 02

  I'm not moley.

• 59:50Speaker 01

  Not moley.

• 59:50Speaker 03

  Me dad used to get really hot. Do you know like Friday night dinner when the dad's always got the top off?

• 59:54Speaker 05

  You're not making it better. You're not making it better.

• 59:57Speaker 01

  So your dad's hot, yeah?

• 59:58Speaker 05

  Yeah, you don't, you think your dad's hot. You love it when his top's off. Go on.

• 1:00:00Speaker 01

  Come in moles. Let's have a look at those moles.

• 1:00:02Speaker 05

  In the summer, you'd look forward to it.

• 1:00:04Speaker 02

  You see what you've done yourself.

• 1:00:05Speaker 01

  Can I press them?

• 1:00:06Speaker 02

  You see what you've done?

• 1:00:07Speaker 05

  Dad, can I, can I track your moles again? Yeah.

• 1:00:09Speaker 03

  Oh, my God.

• 1:00:10Speaker 05

  How much?

• 1:00:10Speaker 02

  I don't even have to pile in.

• 1:00:11Speaker 05

  Honestly, how many photos in your camera roll are of your dad's back?

• 1:00:15Speaker 02

  There it is.

• 1:00:16Speaker 01

  Camera mole.

• 1:00:17Speaker 05

  Camera mole.

• 1:00:17Speaker 02

  Camera mole. Yeah.

• 1:00:19Speaker 03

  Listen, good luck with your podcast.

• 1:00:23Speaker 01

  Good luck with your mole mapping.

• 1:00:24Speaker 05

  Wrap this up, yeah. All right. Love you, dad.

• 1:00:47Speaker 00

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