Please Keep Me Anonymous – Best of Part One

Welcome to the first of a bumper crop of Best Ofs episode of Please Keep Me Anonymous, featuring some of the most hilarious moments with Chris and Rosie's guests! This episode features Sam Ryder, Jordan Stevens, Joanne McNally and Bridget Christie, chatting all things foxes, farm labour and zombie apocalypses, alongside some juicy stories sent in by you! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [email protected] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:51Speaker 01

  How long into that rendition were you cringing?

• 0:53Speaker 02

  Just dry as sticks.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  Dry as sticks.

• 0:58Speaker 02

  Dry as sticks.

• 0:59Speaker 01

  Literally, there's Rosie, there's an image of Rosie's vagina now in the back there, all that wood, all that kiln-dried firewood.

• 1:06Speaker 02

  I'm just happy as I've got something to enjoy.

• 1:09Speaker 01

  That's me, John, I've got nothing else, Rosie, you can do the rest of this.

• 1:11Speaker 02

  No, that's great, that was great.

• 1:13Speaker 01

  Your social guys out there, looking for the cut down, they just got that straight away. They've just fucked off, their workday's done.

• 1:43Speaker 01

  It's Sam Ryder, everyone.

• 1:44Speaker 03

  Hello. What's up, guys? How's it going?

• 1:46Speaker 02

  Chris, you were meant to do a full-on intro to Sam.

• 1:48Speaker 01

  Do you know what it is, right? I just wanna start talking. I just wanna start talking. Because what do I say? I mean, you are possibly our most, as a nation, our most successful Eurovision guy ever. Would that be fair to say?

• 2:00Speaker 03

  I can't, I can't say. I'm just buzzing a beer.

• 2:03Speaker 01

  Or have we actually won it before?

• 2:04Speaker 03

  I'm gonna straddle the fence hard.

• 2:05Speaker 02

  We have won it before.

• 2:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, to be fair, but the mania, I was just, we've been sitting here for a while, waiting for this to start recording, the mania that week that you came back from Eurovision.

• 2:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:15Speaker 01

  It was crazy. And we happened to be promoting a TV show at the same time.

• 2:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, I remember that, I remember that.

• 2:20Speaker 01

  We were on the same shows. We saw each other about five times in one day.

• 2:24Speaker 03

  We were doing the...

• 2:25Speaker 01

  The rounds.

• 2:26Speaker 02

  You might not remember, but it was on BBC Radio 2, it was Zoe Ball's morning show. You, I don't think you'd slept, because you'd done Eurovision the night before.

• 2:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:35Speaker 02

  And did you try, you must have come back, or was it the day before?

• 2:38Speaker 03

  I remember, no, no, no. Because I remember, as soon as I flew home, the record, I could tell the record label were buzzing, because they let me stay at the Langham, never stepped through their front door before in my life.

• 2:47Speaker 02

  Nice.

• 2:48Speaker 03

  And I was just like, you know Jack on the Titanic, when he gets to go to the, like, the big room with the buffet?

• 2:53Speaker 01

  That's a nice hotel.

• 2:54Speaker 03

  It actually wasn't a buffet, was it? That gives me away even there. And when he gets to put the tuxedo on that don't belong to him.

• 2:59Speaker 02

  So that serviceman, it was a bloody blown set of teeth, yeah, yeah.

• 3:01Speaker 03

  And then I think we went to go on radio the next day, and I was just, yeah.

• 3:06Speaker 02

  Well, that's where we saw you.

• 3:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's crazy.

• 3:08Speaker 02

  And you were like, I remember, I mean, it's nice to see you not as hyped, you were like buzzed, you were so buzzed, in a brilliant way.

• 3:16Speaker 01

  But the energy coming off you was unbelievable. You, I hate PR, I hate doing all them interviews, and we met you in the morning, and you literally gave a jab in the arm that lasted the entire day of just positivity.

• 3:25Speaker 03

  Oh, mate.

• 3:26Speaker 01

  And just, I was just buzzing.

• 3:27Speaker 03

  Well, life looks like it's been treating you guys well, you're looking glowing and healthy and happy and lovely.

• 3:31Speaker 02

  Do you know what, I thank you for saying that. We've genuinely been looking after ourselves.

• 3:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 3:35Speaker 02

  Like, do you know, you're just, how old are you, if you don't mind my asking?

• 3:38Speaker 03

  I'm 36, and I've just been doing the same thing. I've just recently stopped washing my face with Carex. So I'm also trying to take care of myself.

• 3:49Speaker 01

  What do you mean? I just didn't realise you shouldn't do it.

• 3:52Speaker 02

  He's washing his face with hand soap, that's goddammit.

• 3:54Speaker 03

  And I used to wash my hair with, well, literally, my mum would only buy, bless her, she'd only buy the, like, the shampoo from Tesco's that would let you know what flavour it was by putting a picture of the fruit on top, like the apple.

• 4:08Speaker 02

  Right, okay, yes, yeah, yeah.

• 4:10Speaker 03

  And I just, it was body wash, I think.

• 4:11Speaker 01

  Are we talking like Christmas Stockton level shampoo here?

• 4:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, just, but it was massive.

• 4:15Speaker 01

  Brilliant.

• 4:16Speaker 03

  The sort of thing that's, like, you'd get at Costco.

• 4:18Speaker 02

  Forty-nine pence. So you've stepped your game up.

• 4:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, I've stepped my game up.

• 4:21Speaker 02

  You can tell, actually, because you do look lovely.

• 4:23Speaker 03

  Thank you very much.

• 4:24Speaker 02

  I would never have been able to guess your age, you're like ageless, I don't know.

• 4:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, 300.

• 4:28Speaker 02

  Honestly, is this gonna sound awful? If you'd have said like 50 odd, I'd have gone, right, he looks amazing. But if you'd have said 25, I'd have gone, yeah, like, you, yeah.

• 4:36Speaker 01

  No, yeah, he looks like a man. He looks rough.

• 4:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 4:39Speaker 01

  28.

• 4:41Speaker 01

  What the hell is that beard hiding?

• 4:44Speaker 01

  26 years of washing your face with Carex, man crawled in here.

• 4:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 4:51Speaker 01

  It's George Stevens, everyone.

• 4:54Speaker 04

  Thanks, guys.

• 4:55Speaker 02

  Some bangers back there, mate.

• 4:56Speaker 01

  Do that first album.

• 4:57Speaker 02

  Thank you for coming on.

• 4:58Speaker 04

  Thank you, I mean, it was too after, but it's, so.

• 5:00Speaker 01

  The most recent one, love it, me mate had it on the other day. We listened to it, we literally sat drinking, and we listened to the whole album the whole night, it was fantastic.

• 5:07Speaker 04

  I am...

• 5:08Speaker 01

  Big fan.

• 5:08Speaker 04

  Lost for words there, Chris, I really wasn't expecting that, and thank you.

• 5:11Speaker 01

  Gotta be honest, no, gotta be honest, I do apologise, don't know all the words, yet, but the first album, do know all the words.

• 5:16Speaker 04

  To every song?

• 5:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:17Speaker 02

  Just ask him, because genuinely...

• 5:19Speaker 04

  That is something I never knew of you, and I appreciate that, and you know what, it was a decent album.

• 5:23Speaker 01

  Even the one, can you remember when we met?

• 5:25Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 5:25Speaker 01

  One of the first things I asked you?

• 5:27Speaker 04

  No.

• 5:28Speaker 01

  We met, and we literally, it was years ago, and we're virtually famous, and I literally went, well, chatted, we said a few things, I thought, like, in my head, I was like, don't ask them straight away. But then I was like, what is Little Goody Two Shoes Glue Play Models? And I went, what was that, what is that line on that? And he went, oh, yeah, it's Little Goody, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 5:42Speaker 04

  Wow, that's some deep, you know what?

• 5:45Speaker 02

  It's genuine, you're a fan.

• 5:46Speaker 04

  I, thank you, I feel warm inside, and I actually feel a little bit uncomfortable, because I don't know how to take compliments.

• 5:51Speaker 02

  Can you not?

• 5:52Speaker 04

  It's just bizarre to me.

• 5:53Speaker 01

  I can't take compliments, and I don't like people thanking us too much.

• 5:56Speaker 04

  And I crave this. I, at home, in my moments of anxiety, I think, wouldn't it be great if I went on a podcast and, you know, immediately one of the presenters said to me how much they loved my music? Wouldn't that be great? And it gets to it now, and I'm just like, can we move on?

• 6:06Speaker 02

  But you know, like, you've just got to say it, thank you. I want us now saying something, it's okay.

• 6:14Speaker 01

  And what's real, what's up with the...

• 6:15Speaker 04

  We met before virtually famous, a couple of times.

• 6:17Speaker 01

  We did, so we met, we met in some odd junctures of life.

• 6:23Speaker 02

  Ooh, come on then, pray tell.

• 6:25Speaker 01

  FHM 100 Sexiest Women.

• 6:27Speaker 04

  I knew you were gonna say that, let's move on from that.

• 6:28Speaker 01

  We met there.

• 6:29Speaker 02

  Oh, that's a bone of contention for me.

• 6:31Speaker 01

  Yeah?

• 6:32Speaker 02

  Yeah. We'd only been together, we'd only been together about six months, I think, we got engaged after six months, right? We'd been newly engaged.

• 6:40Speaker 01

  And you know, you know.

• 6:41Speaker 02

  And then Chris was literally like, oh, I'm going to this award show, I was like, oh, right, what is it?

• 6:45Speaker 04

  Wait, what, back then?

• 6:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:48Speaker 04

  I was peak drugs then.

• 6:50Speaker 02

  Were you?

• 6:51Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 6:51Speaker 02

  What was your favourite?

• 6:58Speaker 02

  Is that not something you ask?

• 7:00Speaker 04

  It's everyone's favourite. My favourite is everyone's.

• 7:03Speaker 02

  Okay, all right, all right.

• 7:04Speaker 04

  It's London's favourite.

• 7:06Speaker 02

  Right, I know what you're talking about.

• 7:07Speaker 04

  It's, you know, Martin, Columbia Martin.

• 7:10Speaker 02

  I've never ever tried it.

• 7:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:13Speaker 02

  Never ever.

• 7:13Speaker 01

  She's never tried a drug, never tried a drug.

• 7:15Speaker 02

  I used to smoke dope, but then we nearly set a kitchen on fire, so I stopped that. Luckily, this is, luckily me friend hadn't emptied our bath, and we put a dressing gown in the bath.

• 7:26Speaker 01

  So you set a dress, oh.

• 7:27Speaker 02

  Put it over the oven, because the oven set on fire.

• 7:29Speaker 01

  What were you doing?

• 7:30Speaker 04

  She made it damp first, it was a told in an odd order.

• 7:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, we made, so we made, we wet the dressing gown, and then we put it over the oven.

• 7:38Speaker 04

  And then put it over the fire.

• 7:38Speaker 01

  What oven? Oh, you, do you mean the hob?

• 7:41Speaker 04

  Also, why was, what's that got to do with smoking weed?

• 7:43Speaker 02

  I was, I was just...

• 7:46Speaker 04

  I was just fucking stoned.

• 7:48Speaker 02

  So I was just like, oh.

• 7:49Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 7:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, anyway, that's the hardest drugs I've ever done.

• 7:51Speaker 04

  I was doing drugs, I was on drugs at that party.

• 7:53Speaker 02

  Okay, good.

• 7:54Speaker 01

  Well.

• 7:54Speaker 04

  Yeah, but I just, I know what you're gonna say.

• 7:57Speaker 01

  What?

• 7:58Speaker 04

  I know, don't worry.

• 7:59Speaker 01

  What am I gonna say?

• 8:00Speaker 02

  What's the story?

• 8:00Speaker 01

  No, no, no, I'm not gonna, it was, you were genuinely charming, we had a lovely chat.

• 8:05Speaker 04

  Thank you, sir.

• 8:06Speaker 01

  That FHM 100 Sexiest Women awards was extremely odd, because it was, I was hosting it, you were a guest, no, no, it was easily 300 men.

• 8:15Speaker 02

  You hosted it?

• 8:16Speaker 01

  I hosted it.

• 8:16Speaker 04

  I came to the after-party, actually, I was just there, I was just chatting up with one of the guys who works there.

• 8:21Speaker 01

  It was easily 300 men wondering where the 100 sexy women were. There was honestly four women there. All from Hollyoaks, really odd.

• 8:30Speaker 02

  So there was none of the women there?

• 8:31Speaker 04

  No, you're, you're, you're forgetting then.

• 8:35Speaker 01

  Wait, what am I forgetting?

• 8:36Speaker 04

  Anyway, we'll leave this for...

• 8:38Speaker 01

  I mean, I'm not forgetting, but I don't know if I wanna say it on the podcast, but it was, it's still one of the coolest things I've ever seen.

• 8:41Speaker 04

  Okay, good, as long as you know.

• 8:42Speaker 01

  It's still one of the coolest things I've ever seen.

• 8:44Speaker 04

  It's a personal thing, Chris witnessed, contextually to that part of my life, like, a quite, a quite good bragging rights moment.

• 8:51Speaker 01

  It was incredible.

• 8:52Speaker 02

  Who did you get with?

• 8:53Speaker 04

  The woman who won, what, did she win?

• 8:55Speaker 01

  She won one of the awards.

• 8:56Speaker 04

  She won, yeah.

• 8:58Speaker 01

  I remember I thought, or from posters in all of me friends' bedrooms over younger.

• 9:02Speaker 04

  Including me, probably.

• 9:05Speaker 01

  Begging for his fucking number, like nothing I've ever seen.

• 9:08Speaker 04

  But Rosie, listen, this is the maddest thing about it, yeah? I was so shocked by this, because all my life, yeah, it really doesn't happen that often. I freaked out and tried to be really cool about it.

• 9:18Speaker 01

  It worked.

• 9:18Speaker 04

  And so I didn't, yeah, but I didn't tell you the next part that happened after. So I just was like, I gave, basically gave my number over. And was just like, cool, didn't ask for theirs. And then was just waiting for the, for a week for the text, and it just never came. And I was devastated, because I would have liked to have texted her. And then, but then I was like, why was it so fucking cool, man? I could just go like, let's swap numbers. Because I was next to Chris, I was just chilling, I was just like, yeah, there you are.

• 9:47Speaker 01

  I remember telling people, I was going, my mate's like, you didn't give a fuck?

• 9:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was playing, I was playing cool, but then, but...

• 9:52Speaker 01

  You can play, it is possible to play it too cool.

• 9:54Speaker 04

  Yeah, but listen, check this out, the next week, and I'm sat next to someone, yeah? And we're chatting, and I'll be like, oh, yeah, da-da-da-da, I think we know a few people, in fact, I think you met my girlfriend the other night.

• 10:04Speaker 02

  Babadu babadu babadu ba. We were talking about this the other day. If you ever found yourself in a scenario of a zombie apocalypse.

• 10:12Speaker 01

  Oh, love.

• 10:13Speaker 02

  Would you want to survive, or would you die?

• 10:16Speaker 01

  Would surviving mean that I'm a zombie, or would surviving mean I'm 28 days later on the run?

• 10:21Speaker 02

  On the run.

• 10:21Speaker 01

  Oh, I'd go on the run, yeah.

• 10:23Speaker 02

  Would you?

• 10:23Speaker 01

  But I wouldn't survive, I know that about myself, I've thought about it.

• 10:26Speaker 02

  Okay, I would kill myself the minute it was announced.

• 10:29Speaker 01

  So the point is...

• 10:30Speaker 02

  On the radio, if they said, they're at the door, I'd literally...

• 10:34Speaker 01

  Sorry, the zombies presenting this radio show.

• 10:38Speaker 01

  Oh, they're not here. Holy fuck, they got Greg James, they got him.

• 10:41Speaker 05

  Are you saying, so is the option that you have to, you're living as a fugitive then?

• 10:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, can I just clarify?

• 10:48Speaker 05

  Yeah, what are the, what's the?

• 10:49Speaker 01

  So, you know, when you watch Walking Dead, or you watch any of these zombie things, and their fucking life's miserable, and the people are trying to kill them, the zombies are trying to kill them, they're hiding in a fucking hole. And you go, what are you, this isn't gonna come back. Fucking Westfield's not gonna open again, you're not gonna be able to go shopping again.

• 11:04Speaker 02

  There's no joy, no.

• 11:05Speaker 01

  Would you persevere is the question?

• 11:07Speaker 02

  I would.

• 11:08Speaker 01

  Or would you just fucking go in? Because Rosie would literally offer herself to the zombies immediately.

• 11:11Speaker 02

  And I'd kill my kids as well at the same time.

• 11:13Speaker 05

  Yeah, no, and I, I could, I could totally understand why you would do that and say that.

• 11:17Speaker 02

  I would kill us all.

• 11:17Speaker 05

  Yeah. But don't kill me if I just happen to be in yours.

• 11:21Speaker 02

  If you want to survive.

• 11:22Speaker 05

  Then I want to give it a go.

• 11:24Speaker 02

  Would you try and get to help us?

• 11:25Speaker 01

  No, no, no, sorry, McNally, McNally.

• 11:27Speaker 05

  To kill you.

• 11:28Speaker 02

  No, would you, would you be like, no, come with us, come on?

• 11:30Speaker 05

  Yeah, but.

• 11:31Speaker 02

  I might be talking.

• 11:32Speaker 05

  But not now, because I know you're weak.

• 11:34Speaker 01

  When society falls, when society falls, the farmers will come straight for you. Soon as society falls, as soon as the police are gone.

• 11:41Speaker 05

  Give us a saltpen. They were like, no.

• 11:44Speaker 02

  No, listen, maybe, right?

• 11:46Speaker 05

  Now I know you'd hold us back, so no, I wouldn't.

• 11:48Speaker 02

  No, that's the thing, once I'm in it, I would do it. It's like, I'm not, are you competitive?

• 11:53Speaker 05

  Uh, depends.

• 11:54Speaker 02

  See, if I'm good at it, I'll do, I'll be competitive and I'll wanna win. But if I'm shit, I'll be like, no, right, guys, no, fuck this.

• 12:01Speaker 05

  I totally know what you're saying, and I do feel like in a zombie apocalypse, I would very much be a supporting actor rather than a main lead character.

• 12:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, I wouldn't be at the front.

• 12:08Speaker 05

  No, I wouldn't be. Um, but I'd probably give it a go, because what else is there? At least in the zombie apocalypse, you can take someone's house, watch reruns of Loose Women, you know.

• 12:17Speaker 01

  There's no electricity.

• 12:19Speaker 05

  Why not?

• 12:20Speaker 01

  Because it's gone.

• 12:20Speaker 05

  No, that's just, that's worst case scenario.

• 12:23Speaker 02

  There sometimes is.

• 12:24Speaker 05

  That's just to add, there could be, there could be electricity. This negative attitude isn't gonna help us keep her alive.

• 12:30Speaker 01

  She's gone, man, it's just me and you now, she's gone. And I'm telling you right now, unless there's a generator, there's a generator to watch you swimming, right? But that better be saved somewhere, and as soon as you turn that generator on, the zombies are coming.

• 12:40Speaker 05

  Why does, why does the electricity automatically go, though?

• 12:43Speaker 01

  Because, so do you think? It doesn't just come out the ground like fucking grass, there's people maintaining electricity plants and power plants that pump electricity through.

• 12:50Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 12:50Speaker 01

  Got it. You thought it just came out like wind?

• 12:53Speaker 05

  Yeah, like grass.

• 12:55Speaker 02

  It'll go for a while, though.

• 12:56Speaker 05

  Is there some lad like churn and some lad like?

• 12:58Speaker 01

  A few lads, a few lads, and honestly, cause controversially, a few lasses as well.

• 13:04Speaker 05

  I kind of fancy, um, electricians.

• 13:07Speaker 02

  All right, okay.

• 13:08Speaker 05

  I've always had a thing for them, yeah?

• 13:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:09Speaker 05

  Any trade, snicker pants, anything like that.

• 13:11Speaker 02

  Nah, yeah, I think it's attractive when a man can do stuff.

• 13:14Speaker 05

  So do I, yeah.

• 13:15Speaker 02

  You know what I mean? Rather than, I've never gone for like intelligent men.

• 13:18Speaker 05

  No, that's clear.

• 13:23Speaker 05

  I wasn't gonna say it, but that was what I was gonna say.

• 13:25Speaker 01

  That was a rollercoaster of emotions, because you said it's attractive when a man can do stuff, and I kinda looked at the camera thinking, I can't really do anything.

• 13:32Speaker 02

  No, you can do it.

• 13:33Speaker 01

  And then you hit us with, I never go for intelligent men, I got double fucked up there.

• 13:36Speaker 02

  No, you're funny, no, that was your thing, that was the talent, the talent.

• 13:39Speaker 05

  Funny wins every time.

• 13:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 13:41Speaker 05

  I've been laughed into bed by gargoyles.

• 13:45Speaker 05

  I swear to God.

• 13:47Speaker 01

  That is an autobiography title.

• 13:49Speaker 05

  Isn't it?

• 13:49Speaker 01

  Copyright that.

• 13:50Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 13:50Speaker 01

  Laughed into bed by gargoyles.

• 13:52Speaker 05

  One knock, knock joke away.

• 13:53Speaker 02

  Oh my God, I love that.

• 13:55Speaker 05

  I do, every, funny always wins.

• 14:02Speaker 05

  Every woman I know, it's the same.

• 14:03Speaker 02

  It is the same, funny, funny wins.

• 14:05Speaker 05

  I think women are very much drawn to personality.

• 14:09Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 14:10Speaker 01

  Here's an interesting thing, I saw a clip of a podcast recently, and it was Jimmy Carr talking to someone else, it just popped up on my Instagram. And I've never thought about this in my life, but he said that men on a one night stand lower their standards. Did you see this?

• 14:24Speaker 05

  I saw it too.

• 14:24Speaker 01

  And women raise their standards on a one night stand. Is that true?

• 14:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, I see, I don't know, because men are such a, they're such fascinating little ferrets, that I don't know what goes through your head when you're trying to get a one night stand. I feel like men would just ride anything.

• 14:38Speaker 02

  They'd do whatever.

• 14:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, so they lower their standards. But it said that women raise their standards for a one night stand.

• 14:43Speaker 02

  I haven't had a one night stand for a long time.

• 14:45Speaker 05

  Oh, neither have I, sadly.

• 14:47Speaker 02

  Have you not?

• 14:47Speaker 05

  It's been a while.

• 14:48Speaker 02

  I have, I can tell this right now, when I was single, I was just constantly looking for love.

• 14:53Speaker 05

  Sorry, sorry, that was a terrible, I'm sorry to interrupt you there.

• 14:58Speaker 01

  What the fuck was that?

• 15:00Speaker 02

  I am opening my door.

• 15:02Speaker 05

  Two ADHD women trying to have a conversation.

• 15:04Speaker 01

  That's what this is, that's what I tried to interrupt you both beforehand. I tried to interrupt you both beforehand, to put a joke in, and it was like trying to cross a six lane motorway.

• 15:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, just shut up then.

• 15:12Speaker 01

  I'm gonna.

• 15:13Speaker 02

  Just shut up. No, go on, sorry, go on.

• 15:15Speaker 05

  No, go on, you're saying you're looking for love.

• 15:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, but the spirits just spoke to you, what was that?

• 15:18Speaker 05

  Because I, I suddenly realised what Jimmy's saying, and it's exactly what you're saying as well. It's like, I, I think the casual sex scene is very much veered towards male enjoyment.

• 15:28Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 15:29Speaker 05

  Exactly, like, you know, unless you, like, it's very, how many women are having, like, swinging from the rafters on a one night stand?

• 15:35Speaker 02

  No.

• 15:36Speaker 05

  I don't know him, maybe there are lads.

• 15:37Speaker 02

  I wanted to cuddle.

• 15:38Speaker 05

  Exactly, so we go for, we're looking for something else, so there's no point us riding an ugly lad, we're like, we're not getting any out of it.

• 15:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, that is, that is true, yeah, because you're not, you're not just wanting sex, you're just like, oh my gosh, you're attractive and you're lovely, and we could get married.

• 15:53Speaker 05

  You just wanna ejaculate.

• 15:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:55Speaker 05

  Into a jar that has hands and eyes.

• 15:59Speaker 02

  A warm, nice jar.

• 16:00Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 16:01Speaker 01

  That is my first thought every morning, yes, okay, great.

• 16:03Speaker 05

  Where's my jar?

• 16:05Speaker 01

  Jar, jar.

• 16:09Speaker 01

  Whoa, whoa, I don't fucking count that high, nah, a couple.

• 16:13Speaker 05

  Yeah, I mean.

• 16:14Speaker 01

  Why is this the only time you two fuck has it been quiet?

• 16:17Speaker 05

  I'm like, oh, he's opening up, get more wine into him there.

• 16:20Speaker 02

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba.

• 16:23Speaker 06

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• 16:52Speaker 02

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba. You know all about this stuff, don't you? Do you got some relation to a farm?

• 16:58Speaker 07

  Rosie, no, I worked on a farm for two days. And it was the hardest, worst two days of my most stressful, more stressful than giving birth.

• 17:10Speaker 02

  What?

• 17:11Speaker 07

  Getting married, getting divorced, like, the, if you, if, okay, do you want me to tell you?

• 17:18Speaker 02

  Well, I want to know all about these horrible two days.

• 17:22Speaker 07

  I, well, I left school very young, 15, and I got a job in an office, and I was just like, oh, there's got to be more to life than this, and, you know, going into an office. And I, I thought, what I'll do is I'll work on a farm, you know, it can be out in the, because I love the countryside.

• 17:39Speaker 01

  So you played a game of opposites there, is what you did. You went indoor, electric, outdoor, no electric, go.

• 17:46Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 17:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:46Speaker 02

  Where are you from the country, where are you from?

• 17:48Speaker 07

  Well, no, I'm from Gloucester.

• 17:50Speaker 02

  Is that not the countryside?

• 17:52Speaker 07

  It's surrounded by the countryside, but it's a town.

• 17:54Speaker 01

  It's a lovely town.

• 17:55Speaker 07

  I've just always loved nature and things like this, not thinking that, I mean, I don't know what I thought I would be doing, sat on a, you know, bay hale, reading a book or something, but it was not that. So, um, I saw this advert in the Gloucester Citizen of like a farmhand, and I was like, it's gonna be just amazing. I'm gonna be out, first thing was, get there at six o'clock to milk the cows.

• 18:21Speaker 01

  How old were you?

• 18:23Speaker 07

  Fifteen, sixteen.

• 18:24Speaker 01

  Oh, no, no, no.

• 18:24Speaker 07

  No. On my motorbike, I had an RS250.

• 18:27Speaker 02

  Of course you did.

• 18:28Speaker 07

  So actually, I must have been 16, I think. Got my overalls, my penknife, like a few little tools.

• 18:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 18:37Speaker 07

  I dressed up, like, planned dress up. To the farm. Oh my God. Got there, the farmer and his wife, every single job was the most stressful, like, I, I would rather die dressed as an ant in front of 5,000 people, which I did do, and that is not stressful for me at all.

• 19:00Speaker 01

  Stage die, die on stage.

• 19:01Speaker 07

  Stage die, die on stage.

• 19:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, so she's not in her second life and she wasn't an insect, she's mad, she's not that mad.

• 19:08Speaker 07

  They'll never do any, right, so I got there, oh, can you milk the cows? Uh, yeah. Well, then I was walked into this huge, like, um, hangar type building, you know, like a huge barn.

• 19:20Speaker 01

  It's called a barn.

• 19:21Speaker 07

  Yeah, but like, okay, a very big one. No, but when you say barn, you know, you think of like a wooden.

• 19:25Speaker 01

  I know what you mean.

• 19:26Speaker 02

  You've really, you've really, like, what's the word, luxurious, there's in your mind.

• 19:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, you've romanticised it.

• 19:32Speaker 02

  You've romanticised it.

• 19:32Speaker 07

  Yeah, you know Babe, the film?

• 19:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:38Speaker 02

  Come pig.

• 19:41Speaker 01

  This pig doesn't talk. This isn't a real fox.

• 19:43Speaker 07

  Yeah. Why are these spiders so like facey?

• 19:48Speaker 07

  So, and there's, there's these cows in there. And I'm like, oh my God. So, and all these machines, I'm quite scared by machinery anyway. I mean, farming, don't laugh.

• 20:00Speaker 01

  This is really funny because you rode there on a motorbike, but you're scared of machinery.

• 20:04Speaker 07

  Yeah, but riding a bike isn't the same as.

• 20:07Speaker 02

  The big, the big old machine. I know what you mean.

• 20:10Speaker 07

  This is the 1980s. You weren't even born, I don't expect. And, you know, you're in, so it's like a, a swimming pool that has no water in it. You stand in that bit. The, the, the cow's feet are at your eye level.

• 20:24Speaker 02

  Oh God.

• 20:25Speaker 07

  And then you have to get the, these big, long, like something out of bloody 1984.

• 20:32Speaker 02

  Oh, and put them on the teats.

• 20:34Speaker 07

  Put them on the teats.

• 20:35Speaker 02

  Right, I've reminiscised it.

• 20:37Speaker 07

  I thought, I would be like a young Swiss girl doing that.

• 20:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, with the metal.

• 20:42Speaker 07

  You did have to get their muck off their teats with your hand first. And I'm squeamish as well. Like, I don't like giving blood or no genitals or anything like that. So I've had to get like.

• 20:56Speaker 02

  Oh God, what do they smell like? What are the others? What do they smell?

• 21:00Speaker 07

  But the smell was the last thing on my, on my mind. You know, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm doing this, like. You know, and then I'm having to get these huge.

• 21:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, I've seen them before.

• 21:12Speaker 07

  That are on pipes, like something out of a horror film.

• 21:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:15Speaker 07

  Onto them.

• 21:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:17Speaker 02

  Modern day farming, isn't it?

• 21:18Speaker 07

  With them not really being given any, like, training.

• 21:23Speaker 01

  Oh my God.

• 21:23Speaker 07

  Because I think they thought that the best way to train people is to throw them in literally at the deep end. You know, that's what I was in. And then, well, then what happened, because the cows knew that I was new by my touch. Well, they would just wee and poo on me.

• 21:41Speaker 07

  And, and I.

• 21:45Speaker 07

  No, I'm sorry. I haven't told you the worst bit yet.

• 21:49Speaker 01

  I just love the idea that cows are like, oh Derek, did you shit on the new girl? I pissed on her, pissed on the new girl.

• 21:54Speaker 07

  But they did. That's what they did.

• 21:56Speaker 01

  No, that's not, I think they knew you were new, so they were like, screw you.

• 21:59Speaker 07

  Have a bit of a, and because you're down concentrating, you don't see the tail go up or anything like that.

• 22:05Speaker 01

  Oh no.

• 22:05Speaker 07

  But this, this will make you laugh even more.

• 22:09Speaker 07

  So I was in my brand new overalls.

• 22:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:12Speaker 07

  You know, playing at being a farmhand.

• 22:16Speaker 07

  Might have put like plaits in or something as well. And then, he said, oh, his name was Richard, the farmer. Don't worry, I'll hose you down. And I was like, hose me down? Okay. Yeah. But I mean, I needed to be hosed down. So went into the courtyard of the farm and where he got this hose and then was literally hosing me down with cold water. And it was in the winter and I was like spizzle, and I was really small and weak anyway, like when I was that.

• 22:45Speaker 07

  And then I just looked up, like traumatised and I just saw his wife literally dying of laughter in the kitchen. Looking at, yeah. I mean, it's probably, it is probably quite funny to see the new person.

• 22:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's.

• 22:59Speaker 07

  Everything I did was either wrong or terrifying. I'm scared of heights and I had to climb up this ladder to throw the bales of hay down onto like a truck or something. So I was going up the ladder like this, oh God, and then climbed to this huge, and do you know how heavy a, like a bale of hay is?

• 23:19Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 23:19Speaker 02

  I can't even imagine.

• 23:20Speaker 01

  Are we talking the, the square ones?

• 23:23Speaker 07

  I mean, there's nothing in here big enough, but.

• 23:25Speaker 01

  But they're not the round ones, but the square ones.

• 23:27Speaker 02

  That people sit on at weddings.

• 23:29Speaker 07

  Block of hay.

• 23:33Speaker 07

  I fed the cows gravel instead of their feed.

• 23:37Speaker 01

  I didn't want to know what pissed on you.

• 23:39Speaker 07

  Well, that was after.

• 23:41Speaker 01

  Gravel.

• 23:43Speaker 07

  Well, it looked similar.

• 23:46Speaker 07

  Everything was in these massive sacks. I don't bloody know what.

• 23:50Speaker 02

  What made you, so what did you, you went to bed that night and did you think, because you, two days?

• 23:56Speaker 07

  I haven't told you the worst.

• 23:57Speaker 02

  Oh my God, what's worse than getting hosed down?

• 23:59Speaker 07

  There's two more things.

• 24:01Speaker 02

  Right.

• 24:01Speaker 07

  The one thing was bringing the cows in. Oh my God. It is. I would actually rather be kidnapped.

• 24:14Speaker 07

  And held at gunpoint. And that is not an invitation for anyone who might be listening, by the way.

• 24:22Speaker 07

  I would be because I think I'd be able to get my head around that.

• 24:25Speaker 02

  Right.

• 24:25Speaker 07

  Picture the scene. Have you met a cow?

• 24:29Speaker 02

  I'm terrified of cows.

• 24:31Speaker 07

  No, Chris, do you, no, do you know how big they are?

• 24:34Speaker 02

  They're massive.

• 24:35Speaker 07

  Because of their personality.

• 24:37Speaker 01

  You must have asked me if I've met a cow.

• 24:39Speaker 07

  They are enormous.

• 24:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm terrified of them.

• 24:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, they're huge.

• 24:43Speaker 07

  Huge.

• 24:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:45Speaker 07

  And even though they're not naturally aggressive animals.

• 24:48Speaker 02

  They can be though.

• 24:49Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 24:49Speaker 02

  If a cow ran at me, I'd shit my pants.

• 24:51Speaker 07

  Yeah. Well, let me ask you something, seeing as this is such fun. You're 15. You've been told to bring the cows in. What does that mean? I don't know if you gave me a tiny stick or something. Shows you where they are in a field, which is a long way away. It's not like next to the farmhouse. So you go out and it might be a frosty morning. I think it was the winter that I, anyway, so you go out, there's nobody else around.

• 25:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:19Speaker 07

  You have to get 20 cows to follow you. So I'm going, A, they're huge. B, I'm like going, come, please come in. Please follow me. Like, like prodding them a bit.

• 25:35Speaker 02

  Oh my God.

• 25:36Speaker 07

  Like, I haven't got a, like, I mean, what would I do with a dog, you know?

• 25:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:39Speaker 07

  Because dogs get sheep anyway, but I don't know.

• 25:41Speaker 01

  I know what you mean, right? Yeah.

• 25:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:43Speaker 07

  So you're trying to, you know, you open the gate and actually fair play, God bless them.

• 25:49Speaker 02

  Did they go?

• 25:50Speaker 07

  After a while, they did, did, did sort of, you know, I'd be going, come on, please.

• 25:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:56Speaker 07

  You know, I think I cried the whole two days. Cause I was like crying, going up the ladder, crying. Oh my, I've just remembered something. So the two things, the one is, he said, have you driven a tractor before? I was like, no. And he was like, okay. So we jumped on a tractor and he was like, this is how you change gear, blah, blah, blah. Went across two fields. And then he said, we'll just go through some fields and then we'll drive back to the barn. On our way back, I was talking to him, they're really noisy as well. And I was like, oh, he's not really answering. He had jumped off and I hadn't realised. And I was talking to him, oh, how do you stop it? And he's not on the tractor. He's like a field back, like waving at me.

• 26:42Speaker 07

  So I just, I didn't know how to stop it. So I sort of drove around for a bit and then sort of drove into like the side of a, like an outbuilding.

• 26:51Speaker 02

  This is wild.

• 26:53Speaker 07

  It's not the worst thing.

• 26:54Speaker 02

  What do you mean?

• 26:55Speaker 01

  Oh my God, this, what is this worst thing?

• 26:57Speaker 07

  The worst thing that made me cry the most and took the longest. And the only thing I can relate it to is, well, I had to get a newborn calf, which was covered in all, like the yellow stuff.

• 27:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:10Speaker 07

  From a pen into a cage on the back of the tractor.

• 27:17Speaker 01

  Oh my God.

• 27:18Speaker 02

  And this is just in two days.

• 27:19Speaker 01

  Oh my God.

• 27:20Speaker 02

  Like, was it not, like, this is crazy.

• 27:23Speaker 01

  How did you do that?

• 27:24Speaker 07

  I, well, I obviously didn't.

• 27:25Speaker 01

  It must have been like trying to pick up something that's been buttered.

• 27:29Speaker 07

  But it's not like a puppy size.

• 27:31Speaker 01

  No, they're massive.

• 27:32Speaker 02

  Oh God, they're huge.

• 27:33Speaker 07

  A calf is big, upset because it's like gonna be taken away from its mum. I was upset about that. It's not, can't really stand properly. So its legs are like falling out from underneath it. In the end, I just stood there crying.

• 27:51Speaker 02

  Yeah. No, I would do the same. I think you've got to be hard to work on a farm, don't you? Like tough.

• 27:56Speaker 07

  You've got to be tough. No, you've got to be born into it.

• 27:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:00Speaker 07

  Or a psychopath.

• 28:02Speaker 02

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba.

• 28:04Speaker 04

  My favourite animal is, one of my favourite animals is a fox. I'm really down for, I'm, listen Rosie. I'm down for animals that have bad reps because I like rooting for the underdog.

• 28:14Speaker 02

  Okay. Well, wait till you own a house with a garden.

• 28:17Speaker 04

  I have a house with a garden. They're all right. We've got a couple of dogs, so they don't bother us.

• 28:21Speaker 01

  Right, yeah. Well, we, we got them in our garden and you just think, one night when my kids are out, are they gonna come and take one of my kids' faces off?

• 28:28Speaker 02

  No, right, okay, that's.

• 28:28Speaker 01

  Eat your kid?

• 28:30Speaker 02

  That happens where we live.

• 28:31Speaker 01

  That's happened, man.

• 28:32Speaker 02

  A fox got in someone's house and went to the baby's cot and like bit the baby.

• 28:38Speaker 04

  That's very rare, Rosie.

• 28:39Speaker 02

  Well, it happens.

• 28:40Speaker 01

  But had it happened?

• 28:41Speaker 04

  Also, oh, but that happens with dogs.

• 28:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, I haven't got one of them either.

• 28:45Speaker 02

  No.

• 28:46Speaker 04

  Jordan, do you not understand? No dogs, no foxes.

• 28:48Speaker 02

  Can I tell you why? And it's not, I think, I think foxes are so cute and I think they are gorgeous. And sometimes when we see the little baby ones, I'm like, oh my God. The reason I didn't like it is because this fox, these foxes that were in our garden kept waking the kids up at four o'clock in the morning.

• 29:01Speaker 04

  No, listen, the way they sound at night is a fucking joke. They're crying baby shit when they're having sex and that, mad.

• 29:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, it sounds like, it sounds like underage orgy happening in your garden. It's the worst.

• 29:08Speaker 04

  Someone was asleep when they were making up the animals for that.

• 29:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, they were waking the kids up.

• 29:12Speaker 01

  I was right, we, I'm sure I talked about this on the podcast, but when Rafe was getting up and our youngest was getting really early.

• 29:17Speaker 02

  They're shitting in the garden.

• 29:18Speaker 01

  Shit, unbelievable. The shit fucking burns the grass.

• 29:21Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're, they're wild.

• 29:23Speaker 02

  But they're all cute.

• 29:24Speaker 01

  They are. But, but one morning, it must have been about half five, maybe earlier. And Rafe was getting up really early. And I'd like, I don't like lying in bed. If, if I'm up, I'm up. So I'll just go downstairs. I remember I stood at the, at the window and I was just watching and this fox was just walking down the patio. And it was just like that, getting it large.

• 29:40Speaker 04

  They're getting braver.

• 29:41Speaker 01

  No, it saw me and it went, and it like started running. It was running on the spot. And I could see there was part of its brain going, fox, what are you doing up at this time? Like, why are you at half five?

• 29:52Speaker 04

  Yeah, bro, that's your, your in his time.

• 29:54Speaker 01

  I literally remember turning, Rafe was like three at the time. I remember going, I shouldn't have seen that. I should be asleep.

• 29:59Speaker 04

  Yeah, foxes, they roam. So the mad thing is, I, I remember there was one day, right? Where like I was with, like, this is like an old, old girlfriend. And it was like, you know, I've, I've been very public. I'm always, I've got loads of fox mugs. I've got a fox tattoo. Anyway.

• 30:14Speaker 02

  Oh, you really like foxes then?

• 30:15Speaker 04

  I was a bit sad, I was a bit sad that day. And I remember, um, they saw a fox and they went, oh, look. It's a fox, Jordan, in the middle of the street. And I was like, oh, it is. But obviously I know a little bit about foxes. I'm like, if this fox is alone in the daytime, this isn't a good sign, right?

• 30:31Speaker 01

  Really?

• 30:32Speaker 04

  So we like walk up and the fox isn't even running, right? It's just, it's just chilling. It's like, oh, this is so sweet. As in like, this would cheer you up. And I'm like, I don't think this fox is okay. And I kind of get near it. And then it kind of like hobbled into a bush. I went and got some food, some water, left it out, was barely going near it. Rung the RSPCA, the woman's come down in the van and she went, oh yeah, you know, this is typical around this time of, of, you've done the right thing. And I'm like, what do you mean?

• 31:00Speaker 01

  Boss, she gets her thing out the car and she went, look, this is the, this is the most humane thing to do. And they literally, in front of me, but it's my favourite animal and I was already sad.

• 31:13Speaker 01

  But listen, this is, this was so mad. I was like, what do you mean? She went, this fox is injured. It's been left by its pack. It's out in the day because it's gonna die slowly over two weeks. The most humane thing to do is to kill it now. And I went, oh my God, I've just, I've just called, I've called for the assassination of this fucking fox. And then, this is the bit that killed me the most. She went, look, it'll be over in a second. She opened the back of the van and another dead fox fell out.

• 31:40Speaker 01

  And she went, oh, sorry.

• 31:44Speaker 01

  I was like, stood on the side of the road.

• 31:48Speaker 01

  I stood on the side of the road in floods of tears, where I was sobbing my eyes out. And she went, you can, you guys can carry on now. And then.

• 31:55Speaker 04

  Oh my God.

• 31:56Speaker 01

  And the next was like, maybe it's not a sign.

• 32:00Speaker 04

  Oh my God.

• 32:01Speaker 02

  I did not think you were gonna say another dead fox came out.

• 32:04Speaker 01

  She had killed about four that day. This woman was going round, cause that's what it is apparently.

• 32:11Speaker 02

  You still got a number, can you say?

• 32:13Speaker 01

  No.

• 32:16Speaker 05

  Hi Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. A fellow veterinary, this is the homeopathy again. Do you know what's so ghastly as well? Because I'm not in school anymore, and rightly so. I, it would be inappropriate if I still turn it up. They'd be like, let it go bitch. Um, I, I do find it, I, I feel like I'm losing my spelling a bit, cause I don't write. Like, you know when in class you're always writing?

• 32:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 32:42Speaker 05

  Anyway, that's just, that's just an excuse if I completely.

• 32:45Speaker 02

  There's no judgement here, Joanne.

• 32:46Speaker 01

  No judgement here on how shit you're reading.

• 32:47Speaker 02

  We know you can't see it when we pass the veterinary.

• 32:49Speaker 05

  A fellow veterinary coworker, let's call him Chris, told me this story and knowing he's as straight as they call him, I just know it will be true.

• 32:57Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 32:58Speaker 05

  Chris lived with a much lesser paid colleague who was a veterinary intern. Long hours, weekends, nights and on call for one of the lowest paid wages in the hospital.

• 33:07Speaker 02

  Oh my God.

• 33:08Speaker 05

  Remember, have you seen the man who puts on the prosthetic legs on the, is it Super Vet? No.

• 33:14Speaker 02

  No.

• 33:14Speaker 05

  And he puts like prosthetic legs on animals and all.

• 33:17Speaker 02

  Oh, okay.

• 33:17Speaker 05

  It's deadly. Anyway, we'll continue.

• 33:19Speaker 02

  Nice.

• 33:20Speaker 05

  One weekend at home and his housemate working, he was, I don't know, one weekend, something, housemate working. Chris was looking through his chest freezer, looking for dinner inspirations. At the bottom of the freezer, he noticed some sealed cardboard boxes with no labels or hints of what was inside. He decided to open one and have a look.

• 33:37Speaker 01

  Oh God, no, it's bits, no, it's bits of animal.

• 33:39Speaker 05

  Inside were, oh, I'd like some guesses.

• 33:43Speaker 02

  Do you want some, oh guesses, um.

• 33:45Speaker 01

  Bits, bits of animal.

• 33:46Speaker 02

  Right, no, could it be dead mice to feed to a snake? Cause it eats frozen mice.

• 33:51Speaker 05

  It's a great recommendation, but.

• 33:55Speaker 01

  This is a full, this is fucking, oh.

• 33:57Speaker 05

  You should put buzzers in.

• 33:58Speaker 02

  It's X, Y, F.

• 33:59Speaker 01

  No, it's bits of, it's bits of dog or bits of cat or something. It's horrible. This is horrible. Go on.

• 34:04Speaker 02

  Pigeon?

• 34:05Speaker 01

  I feel ill.

• 34:06Speaker 05

  Pigeon? Yes.

• 34:08Speaker 01

  No.

• 34:10Speaker 05

  Your eyes? Oh my God, they lit up. That was so cute.

• 34:18Speaker 02

  I will look you in the top of your pocket, I'm telling you. I'm happy now.

• 34:21Speaker 05

  Well, I tell you.

• 34:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:23Speaker 05

  A self sealed plastic bag zipped shut, each individually containing a big fat frozen poop. Exclamation point.

• 34:31Speaker 01

  In the free, in the fucking communal freezer?

• 34:34Speaker 05

  It's in a sandwich bag. Let's not be germaphobes. When the housemate returned, Chris decided to open the conversation with, so I was looking for food in the freezer and came across, oh, you found my boxes, the housemate replied. No shock, no lies, just a plain admission that they were his.

• 34:50Speaker 01

  File.

• 34:51Speaker 05

  Turns out he had an arrangement with a colonically challenged internet customer who'd agreed to buy his poop so that he could replace his gut flora and improve his ever problematic digestive system with the contents from my housemate's seemingly balanced bowel.

• 35:07Speaker 01

  So he says it's got fuck all to do with being a vet, he's selling his shit online.

• 35:11Speaker 05

  I think that's what I'm reading. But, yeah, they would meet in a service station and the poop would be.

• 35:21Speaker 01

  Sorry, well, sorry.

• 35:22Speaker 05

  Hand it over in exchange for, can you guess how much?

• 35:26Speaker 02

  Money or?

• 35:26Speaker 01

  Five, five of a poo?

• 35:28Speaker 02

  Money.

• 35:28Speaker 01

  No, it's gonna be more than that. You got travel and that.

• 35:29Speaker 05

  Now he's shitting in a bag for a fiver.

• 35:31Speaker 01

  Fifty quid.

• 35:32Speaker 05

  Yes, bang on the money.

• 35:33Speaker 01

  Fifty quid a poo?

• 35:33Speaker 02

  How do you know that?

• 35:34Speaker 01

  Listen, now I'd rather not comment, I'll be honest with you.

• 35:36Speaker 05

  Suspiciously bang on there, Chris.

• 35:37Speaker 01

  It was a complete guess. It was a complete guess. And obviously, um, you know, those who has, anyone listening who does want poo, it has gone up.

• 35:42Speaker 05

  Suspicious.

• 35:43Speaker 02

  Fifty pound a shit? That's actually not too bad.

• 35:45Speaker 05

  Like some fecal drug deal. I have so many questions.

• 35:49Speaker 01

  So do I.

• 35:51Speaker 05

  Did the customer put the poop directly into his butt? Or was it treated in some way as a cocktail formulated for him to drink?

• 35:58Speaker 01

  That was my first question.

• 35:59Speaker 05

  Really?

• 36:00Speaker 01

  Tick.

• 36:01Speaker 02

  He's ingesting it.

• 36:02Speaker 05

  He's ingesting it, yeah.

• 36:03Speaker 02

  For sure.

• 36:03Speaker 05

  It's like when a woman eats her Charles placenta. Sounds pagan, but it's actually really good for your insides.

• 36:08Speaker 02

  I know. I do, do you know, it's just not what, I'm not, nothing against anyone. I just wasn't at that, I didn't think about that.

• 36:14Speaker 05

  I have a lot of friends who got it turned into supplements and yeah, that kind of jazz. But do you know what? Actually, one of them was saying recently, she goes, I wouldn't be bothered with that again. I think it can get swept up in a lot of shit, I was gonna say, but you know what I mean?

• 36:24Speaker 02

  Literally. That's what I'm saying. At that point in time, I just wasn't thinking about eating any placenta.

• 36:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, you're getting on with us.

• 36:28Speaker 02

  It's like, I've got shit to do.

• 36:29Speaker 05

  Getting on with raising your kid, yeah.

• 36:30Speaker 02

  Couldn't breastfeed to her, I was just.

• 36:32Speaker 05

  Yeah, that was more a concern. Yeah. Um, but I know, I've heard of this, fecal people eating their own shit.

• 36:39Speaker 01

  What do you mean?

• 36:40Speaker 05

  Huh?

• 36:40Speaker 02

  Why?

• 36:40Speaker 01

  What do you mean?

• 36:41Speaker 05

  It's like the new thing.

• 36:43Speaker 02

  What?

• 36:44Speaker 01

  It's a fucking new thing. I hate everyone.

• 36:46Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's like, it's basically very bougie botox. From what I know, it's all very woman circle I beat that. That's the, I, that's my understanding.

• 36:53Speaker 01

  Right, fuck mate.

• 36:54Speaker 05

  Like I say, Kate Moss is eating her own shit, if I was to guess, allegedly. It's, it's up there.

• 36:59Speaker 02

  I love how you just throw.

• 37:00Speaker 01

  You just don't give two shits about anyone.

• 37:03Speaker 05

  But you know what I mean? It feels very.

• 37:05Speaker 02

  Right, right, okay. Like salmon sperm injections.

• 37:08Speaker 01

  That's a like meal, isn't it?

• 37:09Speaker 02

  Have you had that?

• 37:09Speaker 05

  Are you?

• 37:10Speaker 02

  No, I haven't ever.

• 37:11Speaker 05

  Taking the piss? Oh, I've had a, there's a lot of sperm in my face.

• 37:16Speaker 02

  They're all laughing at this. Like.

• 37:18Speaker 05

  I'm surprised there's a fish left. Yeah. Chris, they're not, I'm not wanking them. They're wanked somewhere else and then put in my face.

• 37:28Speaker 01

  Oh, so you're not even, you're not even putting it there?

• 37:29Speaker 05

  I'm not engaging with the animals myself.

• 37:31Speaker 01

  Really? You're just, well, it's, if anything, that's disgraceful. That's worse.

• 37:34Speaker 05

  I know it is actually, isn't it?

• 37:35Speaker 02

  How many salmons does it take to get sperm? Because they're like.

• 37:39Speaker 05

  I don't know, I don't meet them. It's not like we, there's no arrangements.

• 37:42Speaker 01

  Wow. She's got a guy, she's got a guy.

• 37:43Speaker 05

  I'm watching me in a car to the back of a petrol station, paying fifty quid for sperm.

• 37:48Speaker 01

  Are they showing the salmon porn? I don't understand what's happening.

• 37:50Speaker 05

  I know, it's so cute.

• 37:52Speaker 02

  We'll never know.

• 37:53Speaker 05

  We'll never know. But it's, it's so, but that's like legitimate.

• 37:56Speaker 02

  That's actually happening, that's real.

• 37:57Speaker 05

  And look, I'm not gonna lie. If I thought it would knock a ear off me, would I eat my own?

• 38:03Speaker 02

  You'd eat your own shit. Would you?

• 38:05Speaker 01

  Bad at this. This person is literally eating a stranger's shit.

• 38:08Speaker 05

  I eat cheese strings. What could be worse than that? Honestly, what could be worse than that?

• 38:13Speaker 01

  I want to have a bad word said about cheese strings.

• 38:15Speaker 05

  Really?

• 38:15Speaker 01

  When cheese, when we had children. My question is, why do you have all these children things in your fridge when you don't have kids? But they're in our fridge because we've got kids now.

• 38:22Speaker 05

  Cause I've the palate of a four year old.

• 38:25Speaker 02

  Are you a foodie either?

• 38:27Speaker 05

  No, I'm not. I'm, I, I ha, I could eat the same thing over and over and over again. I could eat waffles and beans. I could eat.

• 38:33Speaker 02

  Nice.

• 38:34Speaker 05

  I, my palate just never, I'm not a foodie at all.

• 38:37Speaker 02

  Right.

• 38:38Speaker 05

  At all. I love eating, but like.

• 38:40Speaker 01

  Do you ever, do you ever push the beans into the holes of the waffles?

• 38:44Speaker 05

  No, cause there's so, I put so much butter on them, they're all floating around. They couldn't stick even if I tried.

• 38:48Speaker 02

  Do you butter on the waffles?

• 38:49Speaker 01

  You butter your waffles? You have a waffle and you butter, you butter a bird's eye potato waffle?

• 38:55Speaker 02

  Stop it, you butter the waffles.

• 38:55Speaker 05

  Of all the cultural differences between Ireland and the UK, I didn't expect it to be butter on a waffle.

• 38:59Speaker 02

  I've never buttered a waffle.

• 39:00Speaker 05

  What? What do you do with them?

• 39:02Speaker 01

  You fucking eat them, cook them and eat them.

• 39:05Speaker 05

  How do you mo, how do you make them moist?

• 39:07Speaker 01

  I don't, my saliva sort of handles that.

• 39:09Speaker 05

  Oh no. And mine are like, they're basically mashed potatoes.

• 39:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:12Speaker 01

  Right, so you butter.

• 39:13Speaker 02

  It makes sense though, cause I put butter on jack potato. Why wouldn't I put it on a waffle?

• 39:16Speaker 05

  Two waffles, take them out and then put easy, easy singles in the middle of them.

• 39:21Speaker 01

  What's that? What's that? Cheese?

• 39:22Speaker 05

  Easy singles, cheese, the plastic cheese.

• 39:23Speaker 02

  The plastic cheese, yeah.

• 39:25Speaker 05

  Um, and then butter it all and like let it swim around in its own grease.

• 39:28Speaker 02

  It makes sense.

• 39:29Speaker 05

  And a glass of pinot.

• 39:30Speaker 02

  Oh, nice. Perfect.

• 39:32Speaker 01

  Pairs well, pairs well with the cheese.

• 39:37Speaker 06

  Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lululemon fall drop because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it. Lululemon's fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces, so I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece and head out, knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at lululemon.com.

• 40:08Speaker 03

  Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous.

• 40:11Speaker 01

  Always.

• 40:11Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 40:12Speaker 03

  Me and my husband were on our long walk one weekend. We'd had a lovely pub lunch and we were on our way across country to get home. My husband is a bit of an exercise guy, so he loves to be active at the weekends. And after our own heart there.

• 40:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, there he is.

• 40:27Speaker 03

  Wonder if he washes his face with carex.

• 40:31Speaker 03

  It was when we were in the middle of a field that he was caught short by the dairy in his lasagna and told me that he needed to go immediately. Immediately is in.

• 40:41Speaker 01

  So when I heard long walk and pub lunch, you heard me go, mm.

• 40:46Speaker 03

  You're at that age in life now.

• 40:48Speaker 01

  I know the brand and I am at that, I, I get it, I get it. Although I'm telling you right now, I will not, I, I will not shit outside my own house, even by accident. You will never catch me so. Nah, you will never catch me short.

• 40:57Speaker 02

  There's a question, personal question. Can you poo in public toilets?

• 41:01Speaker 03

  My, my dad is an absolute mate. I can, I'll, I'll tell you the story of my dad after this.

• 41:05Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 41:06Speaker 03

  But anyway.

• 41:07Speaker 01

  I will only poo in a hotel that I'm staying out of my own house. Nothing else.

• 41:09Speaker 03

  Hotel, oh, nice.

• 41:13Speaker 01

  Just loves hotels.

• 41:16Speaker 03

  Right. He needed to go immediately.

• 41:19Speaker 02

  Right.

• 41:20Speaker 03

  To be fair, there was no one around, so off he went to squat behind a tree.

• 41:24Speaker 01

  Animal, disgusting, lock him up.

• 41:26Speaker 03

  Feral.

• 41:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:28Speaker 03

  We'd been here before.

• 41:31Speaker 03

  What, that location? Is that a dog going back to the same place? So I wasn't surprised by his need for a nature shit. Okay. He came back from behind the tree and we carried on walking. After a few minutes, I started to smell something.

• 41:48Speaker 01

  No.

• 41:50Speaker 03

  Turns out, he had tied his shorts up too tight and didn't get them down in time, thus shitting himself in his boxers. This guy's gone out for a lasagna and hammacked his pants.

• 42:02Speaker 05

  Hammacked his pants.

• 42:05Speaker 01

  Havoc, havoc, is that a thing? Have you just made that up?

• 42:09Speaker 02

  Is that a natural thing?

• 42:10Speaker 03

  Always makes me think of that, just that sort of swinging about.

• 42:13Speaker 02

  And he's quitter.

• 42:14Speaker 01

  He's good at it.

• 42:15Speaker 02

  Oh god.

• 42:16Speaker 01

  He's hammock his quitters.

• 42:18Speaker 02

  Sam, you're gonna have a podcast next.

• 42:19Speaker 01

  That's it.

• 42:20Speaker 03

  But you refuse to throw them away.

• 42:22Speaker 01

  No, nah.

• 42:23Speaker 03

  I understa- if they're a nice set of Patagonias or something like that.

• 42:26Speaker 01

  Oh, shut up, man, no way.

• 42:28Speaker 03

  And also, they're probably made of just like plastic, so you just.

• 42:32Speaker 01

  He no, he's not ecolog- he's not being ecologically minded here, he's just being a s- eh, he would rather walk home kicking his own feces than just buying a pair of pants.

• 42:40Speaker 03

  Snapping the tabloids.

• 42:43Speaker 02

  He could have got rid of it.

• 42:44Speaker 03

  Gone.

• 42:44Speaker 02

  Oh, this is gross.

• 42:45Speaker 03

  Just refused to frown away. He said they were his technical pants.

• 42:50Speaker 02

  Oh, these are very precious.

• 42:52Speaker 03

  That he liked to wear when he exercises and he didn't wanna sacrifice them.

• 42:59Speaker 03

  Safe to say, I walked the rest of the way 10 steps ahead of him.

• 43:03Speaker 01

  Step in your head.

• 43:03Speaker 03

  Very much staying upwind. Gross. Out of interest, do either of you own your own technical pants?

• 43:12Speaker 01

  Now, I, first of all, awful, eh, second of all, the fact that he just didn't, I couldn't, how embarrassing.

• 43:20Speaker 02

  What?

• 43:20Speaker 01

  I couldn't walk home with it. What if you say someone you know?

• 43:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's disgusting.

• 43:25Speaker 03

  And you're not walking normal as well with that.

• 43:26Speaker 01

  No, it's John Wayne and shit, no, that, eh, yeah, 100%.

• 43:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's disgusting.

• 43:30Speaker 01

  I've got, I only, actually, I'm a wife front guy now, I've got to, I'll be honest with you.

• 43:33Speaker 03

  All my friends have gone wife front and I feel like an actual, so it's, it's funny, isn't it? I'm 36.

• 43:39Speaker 01

  Ah, two years.

• 43:39Speaker 03

  So I'm still wearing, eh, like surf shorts, doing like longboard shorts. Which isn't a good, well, actually, no, to be fair, they're not like down here, they're, they're there, so they've got a, they're slightly European.

• 43:51Speaker 01

  Right.

• 43:51Speaker 02

  Bad for your balls, you know?

• 43:52Speaker 03

  They're better, yeah, yeah.

• 43:54Speaker 02

  No, bad.

• 43:54Speaker 03

  They're bad?

• 43:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, you need some support.

• 43:56Speaker 02

  You've got to keep them supported.

• 43:57Speaker 03

  Oh, I thought you just let them.

• 43:58Speaker 01

  No, you're taking that hamm-.

• 43:59Speaker 02

  No, it's actually bad for them.

• 44:00Speaker 03

  I wonder if my balls are long.

• 44:01Speaker 02

  Well, there you go, you've got to keep them in.

• 44:04Speaker 03

  Right, okay. So, um.

• 44:07Speaker 01

  My name's, eh, my name's, my name's Sam Ratawala, Wembley, this next one's called My Balls Are Long.

• 44:11Speaker 03

  Oh, long balls.

• 44:12Speaker 02

  My balls are long.

• 44:15Speaker 01

  My balls are long, man.

• 44:17Speaker 03

  But yeah, you, you start feeling like a, a bit immature when you're hanging out with your mates when they're all wearing wife fronts.

• 44:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, Christie, you do look very mature, it's very sort of like, oh, why did I think of Christine Bale in bloody, in American Psycho?

• 44:31Speaker 01

  Wow, thank you for that, yeah, that's great.

• 44:32Speaker 02

  It is a bit that.

• 44:33Speaker 01

  But I, um, I, I, I started wearing wife fronts for exercise because I was on, I think I was on an exercise bike and there was, you know, there were dropping each side of the, of the seat.

• 44:44Speaker 03

  Like sitting on walnuts.

• 44:45Speaker 01

  And the fa- and the fact that we haven't, the fact that, aside note, the fact that we haven't redesigned the bike seat.

• 44:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 44:51Speaker 01

  I don't know what's going on, but anyway, um, so I started wearing wife fronts for, eh, for exercising and then one day I was just popping in the shop and I didn't have any of the boxer briefs clean and I thought, I'll put the wife fronts on. New man.

• 45:01Speaker 03

  Really?

• 45:02Speaker 01

  I felt taller, I felt, I felt swift, I was, I felt I was fucking ice skating to that shop, it was unbelievable.

• 45:07Speaker 02

  I think they look quite, they'll make your bum look quite nice.

• 45:10Speaker 01

  Thank you, but then again.

• 45:11Speaker 03

  What brand do you get? I'm gonna go and get some now.

• 45:12Speaker 01

  Eh, Puma or Bam, the bamboo ones.

• 45:15Speaker 03

  Oh, I've heard a lot about bamboo stuff.

• 45:17Speaker 01

  Very nice.

• 45:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, alright.

• 45:18Speaker 01

  However, if I'm around the pool on holiday and there was a man in Speedos, I want to physically hurt him.

• 45:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 45:25Speaker 02

  Oh yeah, they're not for public consumption.

• 45:27Speaker 01

  No, I'm, I'm to- shorter around the pool.

• 45:29Speaker 03

  The swimwear, right, because this is the thing, a lot of my mates have started wearing like the swimwear version, so when you go for a little sea swim all together as a group. I feel like an actual teenager.

• 45:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:41Speaker 03

  With my Vulcan shorts on and everyone's wearing Speedos and I'm like.

• 45:44Speaker 02

  I get it.

• 45:45Speaker 03

  Exactly, it's, it's got a sort of vibe of wearing DCs, there's a, there's a cut off point.

• 45:49Speaker 01

  Quicksilver.

• 45:52Speaker 02

  I think, honestly, Chris, I think you're about eight years away from wearing Speedos on the beach.

• 45:56Speaker 01

  I swear to god, if I wear Speed- if you catch me wearing Speedos on the beach, remind us of this and I will walk into the sea and never come back.

• 46:02Speaker 02

  Right, okay, oh.

• 46:04Speaker 01

  Oh, you're excited for that?

• 46:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 46:07Speaker 03

  Tell about your dad, you were gonna tell a story about your dad and the pool and not in all that. Oh, yeah, yeah, my dad, my dad is one of those guys and he, we always joke, because when I used to work with him on building sites and stuff where sometimes there'd just be no toilet and sometimes you'd work around like a posh person's house and they'd lock every door.

• 46:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:23Speaker 03

  You weren't allowed to, you couldn't even think about having a shit in their toilet, they just weren't allowed.

• 46:27Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 46:28Speaker 03

  And, um, yeah, that's what they did.

• 46:29Speaker 01

  No, no, yeah, yeah, 100%.

• 46:30Speaker 03

  It's true, it's true.

• 46:31Speaker 01

  Oh, the day that, like, no, you know, I'll always make the builder's cups of tea and stuff, but the day the builder asks to use my toilet for a shit, I'm well upset.

• 46:37Speaker 02

  No, you see, my brother's a plasterer, so I'm very on, like, I, I think it's a shame, isn't it? But they, we, we got told, we offer, I offered quite a lot to people who've worked in our house, but then we found out that they've just got a bucket in the van.

• 46:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, they're told they're not allowed.

• 46:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, this is why.

• 46:50Speaker 02

  A bucket in the van.

• 46:51Speaker 03

  Well, my dad's been driving before and his phrase is almost, oh, I must go, that, that's it, it's always, oh, I must go. And me and my mate Gary, we used to work with him, like putting up, like we were doing all stud work and ceilings in this, eh, like, you know, opposite the Tate Lisle factory on the Thames, like in Woolwich area.

• 47:09Speaker 02

  Alright, yeah.

• 47:10Speaker 03

  They had all these old buildings that they converted in studios and me, me, my dad and my friend Gary, we did all that together, but.

• 47:16Speaker 01

  I love hearing a lot of past lives.

• 47:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was like, there'd be this plastering bucket in the van and, yeah.

• 47:23Speaker 02

  You shit in there.

• 47:23Speaker 03

  Not me, not a chance.

• 47:25Speaker 01

  Nah.

• 47:26Speaker 03

  But the people of a certain age in the trades, they've been through.

• 47:31Speaker 01

  They don't care.

• 47:32Speaker 03

  They don't care, they've been through it all and they just gotta go.

• 47:35Speaker 01

  And the end, and.

• 47:36Speaker 03

  As my dad says, I must go.

• 47:37Speaker 01

  And, yeah, and the, the apprentice keeps the buckets, so it's been win.

• 47:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, actually, yeah, in, in the end, I ended up sort of having to do it.

• 47:46Speaker 01

  No way.

• 47:47Speaker 03

  No, not such a, no way, I wanna make that clear, my dad did not force me to clean shit out of his plastering bucket.

• 47:53Speaker 02

  I'm honestly not, I can go anywhere, me.

• 47:55Speaker 01

  Nah.

• 47:56Speaker 03

  Really?

• 47:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, creep up on me though, you know?

• 47:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:58Speaker 02

  I think I've got HBS, I just, I just don't wanna give, I don't wanna cut anything out, so my, proper, like, literally, I'll be, I'll be fine and then it's like, oh.

• 48:05Speaker 03

  I must go.

• 48:06Speaker 02

  So I'm just, I'm just like, yeah, whatever.

• 48:07Speaker 01

  A must go is lovely, it's quite a middle class way of saying it.

• 48:10Speaker 03

  Well, yeah, but the way he did it wasn't because he was John Waning or, I've been in with, like, him while he's listening to the radio, driving home and his legs are doing this, oh, oh, I must go and the traffic's getting worse and you can see him stressing.

• 48:21Speaker 02

  No, I love him.

• 48:22Speaker 03

  And I'll just be sat next to him howling, laughing, because I can see, he's like, just, I can see this man losing his will to live, do you know what I mean? And I'm fine, my bowels are empty and you feel free as a bird, innit? And knowing that you don't have that concern, because everyone knows what it feels like when.

• 48:38Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, it's the worst.

• 48:40Speaker 03

  It's one of the most sort of pathetic feelings, you feel so vulnerable.

• 48:44Speaker 01

  Either time, if you're just, you're like, oh my god, I need some more.

• 48:47Speaker 03

  Like a hedgehog without spikes, just.

• 48:48Speaker 01

  Even if I'm like, if I'm in the tour van and we're on to, well, you know, if I'm going to a, we're going to a gig or if I'm just in the car or anything and I need a wee even, there's something in your brain that goes, I will feel like this forever, this will never go. This desperation is gonna be with me forever and then you go tight and you can't believe it, you're like, I've been, it's gone.

• 49:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, you feel amazing.

• 49:07Speaker 01

  You come out like Carlton from The Fresh Prince.

• 49:11Speaker 03

  Every time.

• 49:12Speaker 01

  Mate, it's so true.

• 49:13Speaker 03

  Never gets old.

• 49:14Speaker 01

  The purest freedom from concern exists is that.

• 49:18Speaker 02

  Why is it that no matter where we are, who we're talking to, we always end up talking about shit? Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba.

• 49:24Speaker 07

  Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me in on it. I am mum to five kids, well done, and to clarify, yes, it's chaos. My husband and I had our 10 year anniversary this year. My mum flew over from the UK to look after the kids so we could go on a special kid free holiday to the Maldives.

• 49:42Speaker 02

  Oh, nice.

• 49:43Speaker 07

  With no one to ruin my clothes, I decided I'd start my holiday in style with a classy yet relaxed white linen co-ord.

• 49:52Speaker 02

  Nice.

• 49:53Speaker 07

  I felt like a different woman.

• 49:56Speaker 07

  Now, before boarding, we had a few beers, as you do, a meal and enjoyed the relaxing experience of kid free travel. Until we get to the flight.

• 50:08Speaker 01

  I'm upset, I'm already upset, as soon as you said white, long bells run.

• 50:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, this is.

• 50:12Speaker 07

  As we all sat with the seatbelt, by the way, if there's any casting directors watching, please. As we're all sat with the seatbelt light on, my stomach was churning.

• 50:21Speaker 02

  Oh, Jesus.

• 50:23Speaker 07

  When the light finally turned off, I ran down the aisle, literally pushed past the other passengers waiting for the toilet and ran, ran in, sorry, the second someone came out, it was too late. My beautiful new white linen pants were ruined.

• 50:42Speaker 02

  Oh no, no.

• 50:44Speaker 07

  I sat on the toilet crying.

• 50:47Speaker 07

  Well, I know what that's like.

• 50:48Speaker 03

  So much crying on this podcast.

• 50:50Speaker 07

  With the start of food poisoning. I was in there so long, the air hostess knocked on the door to check on me, I was so scared to open the door and face a plane full of passengers, of strangers. My husband slept the whole time and didn't know what had happened. Luckily and out of habit, I had a change of clothes in my carry on, but I couldn't relax a second of the 16 hours of travel. I felt so ill and was constantly heading back to the toilets, avoiding all eye contact.

• 51:14Speaker 02

  Oh no.

• 51:16Speaker 07

  Looking forward to travelling with the kids again next time, as being covered in kids' mess is much less embarrassing than my own.

• 51:23Speaker 02

  Than your own feces.

• 51:24Speaker 01

  Don't wear white on a flight.

• 51:26Speaker 02

  This is the thing, don't wear white, don't wear white in general, I think.

• 51:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, white pants is bald.

• 51:31Speaker 02

  White trousers is a bald, bald way to live.

• 51:34Speaker 07

  I haven't got any white pants.

• 51:35Speaker 01

  I haven't got any white pants.

• 51:36Speaker 02

  I think I've got one pair of white jeans and I don't wear them.

• 51:38Speaker 07

  No.

• 51:39Speaker 02

  Because I, because I think.

• 51:40Speaker 01

  Because that's the thing, you think, I've never in my life shat me pants as an adult, but I will do it if I wear them, kind of thing.

• 51:45Speaker 02

  Well, one week of the month, I can't wear them anyway, because that's dangerous.

• 51:49Speaker 07

  God, it must be, yeah, I, that's, she's, yes, I think you have to be confident when things like that happen though.

• 51:57Speaker 01

  Own it.

• 51:58Speaker 07

  Own it.

• 51:58Speaker 01

  Waddle down that aisle.

• 51:59Speaker 07

  You know, we are, what are we, we're just bits of meat that make noises and smells.

• 52:07Speaker 07

  And if I.

• 52:08Speaker 02

  It is, it is.

• 52:09Speaker 01

  What a beautiful sentiment to end on.

• 52:12Speaker 07

  I'm not going to do online dating, but if I did, that would be my.

• 52:15Speaker 02

  Your bio.

• 52:16Speaker 01

  I'm just a, a piece of meat that makes noises and smells.

• 52:19Speaker 07

  Yeah, come and get me.

• 52:22Speaker 02

  I'm ready.

• 52:24Speaker 05

  Can I tell you a story that is, seems kind of relevant? And you could decide what to do with it, if you will?

• 52:31Speaker 02

  Yeah?

• 52:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:32Speaker 05

  I, it's going back a long time, but there was, how will I tell this without litigation? A friend of a friend.

• 52:40Speaker 02

  Say allegedly.

• 52:41Speaker 05

  Allegedly. A friend of a friend was going out with a guy and he was behaving, she thought he was kind of cheating on her. And we were chatting about it and then she said, I should have known when I found the shildo in the freezer.

• 53:00Speaker 01

  Shildo?

• 53:01Speaker 02

  Shildo? What's a shildo? Should I know what it is?

• 53:04Speaker 05

  No, I pray that you do not.

• 53:06Speaker 02

  All right, okay. Is it a female dildo?

• 53:08Speaker 05

  No, it's basically, and I'm only saying this because you, you brought up poop in the freezer.

• 53:15Speaker 05

  Her fellow shot in a, shot in a, I can't even say it.

• 53:19Speaker 02

  Shot in a condom?

• 53:19Speaker 05

  Shot in a condom and froze it.

• 53:21Speaker 02

  And uses it as a dildo?

• 53:22Speaker 05

  To himself.

• 53:23Speaker 02

  Oh, fucking hell.

• 53:25Speaker 05

  Anyway, it's so nice to meet you guys.

• 53:26Speaker 02

  This has been.

• 53:28Speaker 05

  I'd love to come over again.

• 53:30Speaker 02

  Come back again.

• 53:33Speaker 02

  And you know what the art is called when you do that?

• 53:36Speaker 05

  The art, are we calling it arse?

• 53:40Speaker 05

  Abstract?

• 53:44Speaker 01

  He's an artist, darling.

• 53:45Speaker 05

  Picasso, my love.

• 53:47Speaker 02

  I think it's called zumin. Or is that, yeah, zumin is when you masturbate. No, zumin is when you masturbate with the frozen shit dildo.

• 53:57Speaker 01

  No.

• 53:57Speaker 05

  I did not expect you to, I did not expect you to clap back my shildo story with something even worse.

• 54:02Speaker 02

  I know. Well, I missed that step. I didn't know it was called shildo.

• 54:06Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 54:07Speaker 02

  Oh, shit dildo!

• 54:08Speaker 05

  Shit dildo.

• 54:10Speaker 01

  You just went that way.

• 54:10Speaker 05

  Chris, you need to do better and educate yourself. You've nothing to contribute to the shildo, zumin situation.

• 54:15Speaker 02

  Should I tell you about felchun?

• 54:17Speaker 01

  Can we just, no, can we just, can we call it a day now?

• 54:19Speaker 05

  What is it?

• 54:20Speaker 02

  It's when somebody, a man ejaculates inside of your asshole and then you suck it out with a straw.

• 54:26Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah. Right. That's Sunday afternoon. God, if I had a penny for every felchun, every time I was felchun, flat eight felchun. Yeah, it's a hobby.

• 54:36Speaker 01

  Ties a lot of butter on it.

• 54:39Speaker 02

  Two of them are just felched out.

• 54:40Speaker 05

  Honey, grab the shildo.

• 54:42Speaker 01

  Shildo has upset me.

• 54:43Speaker 05

  And let's rock strictly for the evening and just relax.

• 54:45Speaker 01

  Shildo has really, really upset me, something rotten. How do they get it in the condom? There's my question.

• 54:49Speaker 05

  The felchun now, I have to say, that's kind of fucking made me feel a bit.

• 54:53Speaker 01

  Worst sausage factory ever.

• 54:55Speaker 01

  Putting shit, I can't, I can't even describe how bad that would be, a day of trying to put my own shit into a condom. What are you doing?

• 55:03Speaker 05

  Oh, well, you're not, Chris, think outside the box now. You're not shitting, you're not trying to.

• 55:08Speaker 01

  I know, I'm not fucking, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but there's going to be a moment where you're opening a condom and you're trying to put your. Is there not a moment where these people are doing this and they think, what have I done with me, like?

• 55:17Speaker 02

  No, people love it. People love it. And they're not hurting anyone.

• 55:21Speaker 01

  You can't even see what's going up your arse. Just use a normal dildo. Why's it got to be a bit of shit?

• 55:25Speaker 05

  So dark in their head. They're like, this is gross. Look how gross I am.

• 55:30Speaker 01

  And I'll say it again, and I believe we should hold hands and really, really try and get it to come.

• 55:33Speaker 05

  Can I hold hands?

• 55:34Speaker 01

  You can hold your hand as well.

• 55:35Speaker 02

  Come on.

• 55:36Speaker 01

  I'm going to say it out loud. Send the asteroid.

• 55:39Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, I know what you mean.

• 55:41Speaker 01

  Send the asteroid. Send it now.

• 55:43Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 55:43Speaker 02

  Let it get me first.

• 55:45Speaker 05

  Straight to Rosie first. She'll be out there kind of trying to catch it in her face.

• 55:50Speaker 02

  Don't let me live here. Because the baddies always survive, that's the thing.

• 55:54Speaker 01

  The baddies always survive.

• 55:54Speaker 02

  The baddies always survive and I don't want to live in it.

• 55:56Speaker 01

  Freezing each other's shit. At least if there's a zombie apocalypse, there'll be no electricity to run the freezers to freeze the shit in condos. And I think that is where we leave this. I think that's where we leave this.

• 56:06Speaker 05

  I agree.

• 56:07Speaker 01

  It's been, it's been, you know, hasn't it?

• 56:22Speaker 00

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