The luteal phase, a mistaken death and is there a new podcast pending?!

On the podcast this week Rosie joins us from her luteal phase and has some beef with her period tracking app! Chris has got himself a new catchphrase (which isn't approved) and they have had correspondence from a listener whose group chat caused some serious googling about the whereabouts of Chris Ramsey. Beefs include raw dogging supplements and some questionable vaping advice. All of this plus some QFTPs and a tube ick! Enjoy... If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [email protected] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Coming up on this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed.

• 0:02Speaker 01

  I'm gonna be talking about my period app.

• 0:04Speaker 00

  Very excited for that.

• 0:05Speaker 01

  Supermarket queues.

• 0:07Speaker 00

  Rosie names her new podcast.

• 0:09Speaker 01

  Don't, it's not real. Doesn't exist yet.

• 0:11Speaker 00

  Ah, you'll do it one day.

• 0:13Speaker 01

  Chris has got a new catchphrase and an apology.

• 0:15Speaker 00

  I genuinely can't believe it's took you this long to hate this catchphrase so much. I've got away with murder.

• 0:20Speaker 01

  As always, we've got beefs, questions, icks and reverse icks.

• 0:23Speaker 00

  Enjoy.

• 0:25Speaker 02

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• 0:55Speaker 01

  Hello, you are listening and possibly watching Shagged Married Annoyed.

• 0:59Speaker 00

  It's better be, you bloody better be.

• 1:03Speaker 01

  And Chris.

• 1:04Speaker 00

  It's fine. Look, you consume this however you want to consume it. I'm not bothered at all. If you are, we're waving at you now if you're watching it. If you do watch it, please subscribe on YouTube. And if you do listen, just bloody.

• 1:13Speaker 01

  People who are watching it, I get a lot of messages saying people actually enjoy watching it.

• 1:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:17Speaker 01

  Because you get to see the facial expressions and all that kind of stuff.

• 1:20Speaker 00

  And you put a lot of work into this studio behind us. You did all of this.

• 1:24Speaker 01

  I'm more of a listener, me, you know.

• 1:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:25Speaker 01

  Just because I like to listen to a podcast while I'm doing loads of other stuff.

• 1:29Speaker 00

  I know what you mean. There's too many things to watch at the minute. Like, there's too much. It's crazy. I can't, I just don't have time to watch things.

• 1:34Speaker 01

  Telly is good at the minute, isn't it?

• 1:35Speaker 00

  So good. So good.

• 1:36Speaker 01

  We just finished Tiptoe.

• 1:39Speaker 00

  Tiptoe was great.

• 1:39Speaker 01

  Ayy.

• 1:41Speaker 00

  Great.

• 1:41Speaker 01

  So good. We need to watch next. But I don't think you're ready for it.

• 1:47Speaker 00

  I fucking do. Is this reverse psychology?

• 1:50Speaker 01

  No, it's a sin. You haven't seen, I've seen it.

• 1:52Speaker 00

  Well, I'll definitely watch it.

• 1:53Speaker 01

  You're gonna, no, you're gonna cry.

• 1:55Speaker 00

  I had on, is this a spunky bath? Is this where he drinks his spunk? Or the bath?

• 1:59Speaker 01

  No, that's Saltburn. You're all right for that.

• 2:01Speaker 00

  Right, okay.

• 2:02Speaker 01

  I mean, you watch it if you want. It is good.

• 2:03Speaker 00

  I just, if I start watching people drinking smoke out of baths, it's gonna take the fun out of me hobby, which is drinking smoke out of baths. There's just, I can't watch other people live my dream.

• 2:13Speaker 01

  He also shags the grave, which is awful.

• 2:16Speaker 00

  He wasn't shagging, was he? So he took it, he listened to the song Kissed by a Rose on the Grave, and he took it to the next level and he shagged the grave.

• 2:23Speaker 01

  God, that's a good song.

• 2:25Speaker 00

  I think it's grey.

• 2:26Speaker 01

  Kissed by a rose on the grave. Ooh, you're one of my, my, my, angel of fury, yeah.

• 2:32Speaker 00

  You sound like fucking Vic Reeves. You sound like Vic Reeves in Shooting Stars. I think that's a song during the start of a 1950s club singer.

• 2:43Speaker 00

  For 10 points, for 10, for 10 Chris points, listen.

• 2:47Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 2:47Speaker 00

  For 10 Chris points, play along at home. What movie was that the title soundtrack of?

• 2:56Speaker 00

  You've got five seconds left.

• 2:57Speaker 01

  What years? 90s?

• 2:59Speaker 00

  You've got five seconds left.

• 3:00Speaker 01

  80s? 90s?

• 3:01Speaker 00

  You've still got five seconds left.

• 3:01Speaker 01

  No, hang on. Crow. The Crow?

• 3:04Speaker 00

  No, close. Very close.

• 3:05Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 3:05Speaker 00

  No.

• 3:06Speaker 01

  Edward Scissorhands?

• 3:07Speaker 00

  No.

• 3:08Speaker 01

  Don't know.

• 3:09Speaker 00

  It was Kissed by a Rose on the Grave, the Johnny Depp film. I'm kidding, it was Batman Forever. Uh, Batman Forever.

• 3:15Speaker 01

  Right, apologies to everybody already. Chris is in one of them really fucking irritating moods where he just tries to make a joke out of everything.

• 3:23Speaker 00

  Excuse me, everyone. I'm Luteal. I am Luteal.

• 3:25Speaker 01

  No, I'm Luteal.

• 3:25Speaker 00

  I'll thank you, I'll thank you to not bother me because I'm Luteal.

• 3:29Speaker 01

  I'm Luteal, so don't you dare.

• 3:30Speaker 00

  You don't even know what it means. We were coming upstairs. We were coming upstairs and I went to give you a cuddle and you went, don't touch us, I'm Luteal.

• 3:35Speaker 01

  No, we weren't coming up the stairs because he's in one of them horrible, awful, tries to be funny moods. He was chasing me up the stairs trying to touch me legs and I said, I don't want to be touched, I'm Luteal.

• 3:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, and then I said, what does Luteal mean? And you said?

• 3:46Speaker 01

  I don't really fully know what it means, but it means, it's like a part of...

• 3:49Speaker 00

  Just throw it around.

• 3:50Speaker 01

  I'm due on next week and I think the week before is Luteal.

• 3:54Speaker 00

  Can I give you a compliment first?

• 3:55Speaker 01

  You can always give me a compliment, but when I'm Luteal, I won't take it well.

• 3:57Speaker 00

  I was walking behind you up the stairs.

• 3:59Speaker 01

  Oh, just snort.

• 4:00Speaker 00

  Great. I was walking behind, in spite of the snort, I was walking behind you up the stairs and your bum looked fantastic, so in my opinion, you're boot-ial.

• 4:07Speaker 01

  You're right. That's great. Thank you. I need to tell you this.

• 4:11Speaker 00

  Just gonna cut this short now. I'm gonna head off. You can just finish up the podcast. I think I've peaked. I don't think I can get better than that.

• 4:17Speaker 01

  I, you know me Flow app, which I told you about. I just ignored everything you said for the last five seconds. Sometimes, it crops up every time you go on it. Listen, every time you go on it.

• 4:27Speaker 00

  She ignored that as well.

• 4:28Speaker 01

  Well, you was a listener. I don't have to listen.

• 4:30Speaker 00

  I said five years. Go on.

• 4:32Speaker 01

  Stop looking at me tits. You just looked at my tits. I caught you. You did.

• 4:35Speaker 00

  I looked at the microphone, but fair enough. I look at your tits when I want. They're my tits. I paid, paid good money for them tits.

• 4:42Speaker 01

  You paid nothing for these tits. Listen, sometimes it asks you, oh, this was at 10 past 2 in the morning.

• 4:47Speaker 00

  Your Flow app asked you a question at 10 past 2 in the morning.

• 4:49Speaker 01

  It kind of like comes up sometimes with like, how are you feeling? And I normally don't say anything. And I'm, it's stupid. I pay for this app and it's just like, tells us when I'm due on.

• 4:58Speaker 00

  The woman who used to slag me off for getting the, the thing that you talked to on the phone, I'm not gonna say its name because we've got fucking a million Apple things in the room and it'll kick off. It used to tell me off for setting alarms on it. Now you're not only setting alarms every three seconds on yours and using it for everything. Get to delete things and put things in your calendar. Now you're having a full on relationship with your Flow app. You pathetic.

• 5:15Speaker 01

  Well, me Flow app doesn't give a shit. Listen, got it. Log your symptoms and moods now to track your health patterns. First, select your symptoms. So it was like, select your symptoms. How do you feel? So I put insomnia, because I was over 10 past 2. Now select your moods. I put anxious and feeling guilty. That's just how I felt at that time, right? And then, do you know what its reply was?

• 5:35Speaker 00

  Cool story, bro.

• 5:36Speaker 01

  No, to me saying anxious and feeling guilty, you went, today we'll chat about vaginal discharge.

• 5:44Speaker 01

  So I put okay. Doesn't give a shit.

• 5:49Speaker 01

  Flaunting itself as an app that cares how you feel during your period. It couldn't give, just totally, right, great. You feel anxious and guilty. Let's talk about your vag discharge.

• 5:57Speaker 00

  Oh, you feel anxious and you feel guilty. Wow.

• 6:00Speaker 01

  Anxious and guilty. Today we'll talk about vaginal discharge.

• 6:02Speaker 00

  So then you said okay. Sorry.

• 6:04Speaker 01

  Well, I meant okay's in like, okay. And then I turned it off.

• 6:07Speaker 00

  Then it said your vaginal discharge can change during the luteal phase of your cycle because the hormones.

• 6:13Speaker 00

  Present.

• 6:15Speaker 01

  Present. Oh, God, Chris.

• 6:17Speaker 00

  Progester- Pro-

• 6:18Speaker 01

  No.

• 6:18Speaker 00

  Proclaim us.

• 6:19Speaker 01

  Oh, your hormones.

• 6:20Speaker 00

  I will walk 500 vaginas.

• 6:22Speaker 01

  You should know this word.

• 6:23Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 6:24Speaker 01

  Your vaginal discharge can change during the luteal phase of your cycle because the hormones progester- drone.

• 6:30Speaker 00

  There it is. Slag me off. Progest- Progestrogen.

• 6:33Speaker 01

  Progester- progesterone and estrogen.

• 6:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:36Speaker 01

  Fluctuate. Of course they do. Mine's at the fucking rock bottom.

• 6:39Speaker 00

  Brilliant. Right. Well, that was all horrible. Um, guys.

• 6:42Speaker 01

  And I've shaved my bikini lines, so I've got an itchy vag.

• 6:45Speaker 00

  Anything else you wanna?

• 6:46Speaker 01

  No.

• 6:47Speaker 00

  No?

• 6:47Speaker 01

  But how rude is that? Oh, you're anxious and feeling guilty. Oh.

• 6:51Speaker 00

  Let's talk about discharge.

• 6:53Speaker 01

  How's your discharge?

• 6:55Speaker 00

  Nah, you know what'll cheer you up?

• 6:56Speaker 01

  Is it AI?

• 6:57Speaker 00

  You know what'll cheer you up? A nice little chinwag about discharge. Get a cover. Let's have a little, forget about the anxiety then. Let's talk about your fanny juice.

• 7:05Speaker 01

  Discharge.

• 7:06Speaker 00

  Listen, uh, this episode is sponsored by Fanny Juice. No, uh, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for watching. If you are, like I say, if you could subscribe on YouTube, that would be amazing. Still fucking miles away from that, uh, 100,000 subscribers plaque.

• 7:17Speaker 01

  We're millennials. We're never gonna get.

• 7:19Speaker 00

  We're getting quicker. We're getting closer.

• 7:20Speaker 01

  We're not gonna get them.

• 7:21Speaker 00

  You don't even have to watch it. Just fucking subscribe and we'll get the plaque and it'll be, uh, me, me, you know, me children will be impressed by us for once. Um, thank you for listening. If you do, uh, listen on your podcast apps, subscribe and all that stuff and like and rate and all that. Thank you so much. Uh, thank you for being here. And without further ado, it's time for this week's all lucrative, all lucrative sponsor.

• 7:37Speaker 01

  Can't believe you still do this.

• 7:38Speaker 00

  This week's, but still gotta do it.

• 7:39Speaker 01

  Seven years.

• 7:40Speaker 00

  We're well past throwing enough shit in some sticks. We're well past it. But now and then I say something, basically, right? It turned out, at first I was doing jokey sponsors. I'm sure I picked the sun and, you know, breathing and stuff.

• 7:50Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 7:51Speaker 00

  Air, water, stuff like that. You know, the big, the big four. Um, and then it's-

• 7:55Speaker 01

  Captain Planet.

• 7:57Speaker 00

  Then it's moved on. Then it's moved on. Um, just little things that I see where I think, I've noticed something. That's a bit of stand-up. That won't be stand-up. That isn't good enough to be stand-up. So I just, you know.

• 8:06Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, then just do it on our podcast. Why not?

• 8:08Speaker 00

  I just shovel it into here. Just, you know, just to make the time up. Listen, it is this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor is the fury of shoppers having a queue when there's only one checkout on.

• 8:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:20Speaker 00

  Oh, hey. Okay, Rosie.

• 8:23Speaker 01

  I've got something to tell you and then I'm gonna, no, but I'm gonna just put it right down because I'll forget.

• 8:27Speaker 00

  Is it on that topic?

• 8:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's about supermarkets.

• 8:31Speaker 00

  Go for it.

• 8:32Speaker 01

  Do you not want to finish your, I don't, I, listen, I don't want to interrupt.

• 8:34Speaker 00

  Listen, you already have.

• 8:35Speaker 01

  Professionalism.

• 8:36Speaker 00

  No, this is different. So now and then when I get sent to sponsors, some of them are scripted, some of them are just little thoughts. All I'm saying is, the other day, I was in a queue, right? I was about the fourth one in the queue. And then it got to the point where you can tell people are freaking out because you had a queue down the aisle. So people are like halfway down the aisle and people are coming to queue and they go, oh, now the queue's down there, they're going down the aisle.

• 8:53Speaker 01

  But then you've got to leave a bit of space for the path.

• 8:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:55Speaker 01

  So you've got to go stand in the thing and then you're like.

• 8:57Speaker 00

  Have a guess how many people joined the queue and said, it's only one, they said, as if there's only one till on.

• 9:05Speaker 01

  I'm gonna.

• 9:05Speaker 00

  Have a guess how many.

• 9:06Speaker 01

  Okay, I'm also gonna tell you what supermarket it was.

• 9:09Speaker 00

  Right. Don't ruin it. Don't go like a million or a hundred thousand people or something stupid.

• 9:13Speaker 01

  I wouldn't do that. I'm not a dick.

• 9:14Speaker 00

  Right.

• 9:14Speaker 01

  Like you.

• 9:15Speaker 00

  Because obviously it wasn't busy enough to have more than one till on. It was quite quiet. Very close. It was seven.

• 9:19Speaker 01

  Seven people.

• 9:20Speaker 00

  Seven people. And I was laughing.

• 9:21Speaker 01

  And it was the big Tesco at Sunderland, wasn't it? Next to the stadium. Told you.

• 9:24Speaker 00

  It was the big Tesco at Sunderland. Every single, I mean, they put another till on immediately. It was, but the seven lots of people. It's bloody ridiculous, isn't it? What, you're fucking shopping during the day? You're retired, you've got nothing to do? Shut up.

• 9:38Speaker 01

  I love a whinge. That big Tesco is so big that I think they underestimate how many people are in the shop at one time.

• 9:45Speaker 00

  Good point.

• 9:45Speaker 01

  And then they're like, eh? And you go, yeah, it's massive. No.

• 9:49Speaker 00

  It's a beast of a Tesco.

• 9:50Speaker 01

  I.

• 9:50Speaker 00

  It used to be a bowling alley.

• 9:52Speaker 01

  It did?

• 9:53Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 9:54Speaker 01

  Oh, God, I miss it. I went to Asbury Bolden.

• 9:57Speaker 00

  Congratulations.

• 9:58Speaker 01

  Just to name another supermarket. We're going to them all, aren't we, don't you?

• 10:00Speaker 00

  Other supermarkets are available. Oh, I've got them all. I've got the Nectars. I've got the Tesco Club cards.

• 10:05Speaker 01

  Um, One Stop even gets a bloody look in.

• 10:08Speaker 00

  I do. I go everywhere, me. I go, there's a premiere I go to to change me kegs.

• 10:11Speaker 01

  Oh, the kids love the, what the fuck is that premiere?

• 10:14Speaker 00

  Beer kegs.

• 10:14Speaker 01

  Why do the kids love that premiere so much? It's got good sweets.

• 10:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, so they sell local cakes made by a local shop for local people.

• 10:21Speaker 01

  Local people.

• 10:22Speaker 00

  Um.

• 10:22Speaker 01

  They love that. Every time I come home from school, they're like, I'm gonna go to the premiere.

• 10:25Speaker 00

  That was the one where Robin was like, there's a new premiere open, as if it was a fucking nightclub.

• 10:30Speaker 01

  So I was at Asda bowling the other day and I only bought a few things. So I didn't have a basket or anything. And it was all the self-serving things. I had about four items and I kept putting them down and it was like, take unexpected bag. And I was just, I was kicking off. I went on six different tills.

• 10:48Speaker 00

  You're such a fucking, you shit itself to check out.

• 10:50Speaker 01

  I went on six different tills. Nobody was coming and I was just like, what? Cause normally when I go to Asda, I do a big shop and I do the gun, the shop and go. So it's been a long time since I've used the scales.

• 11:01Speaker 00

  The scanner?

• 11:02Speaker 01

  I, the shop and go. I do that. So then it's a different till.

• 11:05Speaker 00

  The gun and shop and go is robbing the place, but carry on.

• 11:08Speaker 01

  Well, there you go. I don't do that. So no, so it turns out, and it was Robin who ended up telling us, six times, I'd put me stuff on the wrong side of the till. So I'd put them on the scales. And you know when you're like,

• 11:22Speaker 00

  I hate people who can't, I hate people who can't do a self-checkout.

• 11:25Speaker 01

  Asda, it wasn't clear enough. It didn't say basket here. And I'm not being stu-, I'm not, I'm not thick.

• 11:35Speaker 00

  Really?

• 11:36Speaker 01

  I'm not, okay. All right, then. All right. In the South Tyneside area, I'm not the thickest person who lives here.

• 11:44Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 11:45Speaker 01

  So how's everyone else doing it?

• 11:46Speaker 00

  So it used to be a lot easier to work out when they used to hang the bags next to the bit where you're supposed to bag.

• 11:53Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 11:53Speaker 00

  But if you notice now, the bags aren't hanging there.

• 11:55Speaker 01

  There's no bags.

• 11:55Speaker 00

  Because the people are nicking them and not declaring their bags. And now you've got to ask the man for a bag.

• 12:00Speaker 01

  Or a woman sexist pig.

• 12:02Speaker 00

  It's always a matter, I refuse to ask the women. I have to, it has to be the man.

• 12:05Speaker 01

  Oh my God, shut up. You're going to need to stop saying things like that.

• 12:07Speaker 00

  I'm totally joking. I obviously said it wrong. I'm taking the piss.

• 12:10Speaker 01

  All right, but you know, if it's a ship, then I'll go down with you, won't we? Go down together. Actually, I don't want to do this anymore. Shall we just cancel ourselves?

• 12:18Speaker 00

  You just said you're clever and then you've just said a bunch of words.

• 12:21Speaker 01

  I never said I was clever. I said I'm not the thickest person in South Tyneside.

• 12:24Speaker 00

  A bunch of words muddled together there that if anyone listening, go back and try and make sense of whatever the fuck that going down with the ship sentence was. That was gobbledygook.

• 12:31Speaker 01

  I will go down with this ship.

• 12:34Speaker 00

  Listen.

• 12:35Speaker 01

  And I will put my hands up.

• 12:36Speaker 00

  Can you remember, just before we start, Rosie, can you remember, just before we start this podcast, we said, let's do a short intro?

• 12:43Speaker 01

  We said, let's do a short episode today because we've got shit to do, but here we are, 12 and a half minutes later.

• 12:49Speaker 00

  We never do a short episode. You always get your value for money, so don't worry about that. You saw 11.11?

• 12:53Speaker 01

  I saw 11.11. Anyone who watches the podcast will know that I often dart me eyes off because I can see the time and I always look for 11.11 and then I look for 22.22.

• 13:03Speaker 00

  That's not 11.11, that was just 1 minute 11 seconds.

• 13:05Speaker 01

  Doesn't matter where.

• 13:06Speaker 00

  11 minutes 11 seconds.

• 13:08Speaker 01

  It's been on already.

• 13:09Speaker 00

  Brilliant.

• 13:10Speaker 01

  You've missed it. It's been 11 minutes and 11 seconds.

• 13:12Speaker 00

  No wonder you're not listening, you're looking at the fucking timer to see 11.11. You're ill, you're ill, you are ill.

• 13:16Speaker 01

  I'm not, I'm just, I'm spiritually gifted.

• 13:19Speaker 00

  Brilliant.

• 13:20Speaker 01

  The angels are looking down on me.

• 13:37Speaker 01

  Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Marinode. Right, I'm going to take a breath.

• 13:40Speaker 00

  Right.

• 13:41Speaker 01

  And I'm going to calm down because I feel like we're talking over each other.

• 13:43Speaker 00

  It's because we're both lutile, lutile?

• 13:46Speaker 01

  You can't say that, you're lutile.

• 13:47Speaker 00

  I can say I'm lutile.

• 13:48Speaker 01

  It's like, you can't, you're not allowed.

• 13:51Speaker 00

  Why not?

• 13:51Speaker 01

  Because you're a man. You don't have a womb.

• 13:54Speaker 00

  Right.

• 13:54Speaker 01

  You're not lutile.

• 13:55Speaker 00

  Maybe I'm doing it, you know what, like a sympathy, maybe I'm sympathetically lutile.

• 13:59Speaker 01

  You can't not like, no, you can't not, do you remember that time? I can't believe I actually stayed on the podcast when you were literally like, I've got PMS.

• 14:07Speaker 00

  Because I was synchronising with you. I do, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm an empath, that's the problem.

• 14:11Speaker 01

  You what, Chris, I can tell you right now, you are not an empath.

• 14:14Speaker 00

  I couldn't give two fucks about it.

• 14:15Speaker 01

  You're not an empath.

• 14:15Speaker 00

  Listen.

• 14:16Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 14:17Speaker 00

  So the, it's been, I can't believe it's took you this long to flag this on the podcast. My favourite catchphrase, oh you're fuuuuck.

• 14:25Speaker 01

  I hate it.

• 14:26Speaker 00

  It's terrible pattern, but that's why it's so fun.

• 14:28Speaker 01

  I've never slagged it off too much because I think you and your mates do it.

• 14:31Speaker 00

  We do it all the time.

• 14:32Speaker 01

  And I think it's, okay, listen, let me, let me open this up.

• 14:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:36Speaker 01

  It's shit crack.

• 14:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, it is.

• 14:38Speaker 01

  It is the most unfunny thing I've ever heard in my entire life, but I know yous all do it and I didn't want to insult anyone.

• 14:44Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 14:45Speaker 01

  But you should be embarrassed because you professionally.

• 14:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:48Speaker 01

  You just got paid for your last tour.

• 14:50Speaker 00

  Did I fuuuuck?

• 14:53Speaker 00

  Keep going, keep talking. I'll show you how adaptable it is for every single scenario.

• 14:57Speaker 01

  It's awful. It's the worst crack ever. You just got paid and you did alright. Honestly, congratulations. Thank you.

• 15:02Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 15:03Speaker 01

  Book it in again. Oh, you have? Okay, well, do another one in a couple of years, because that's nice, right? You should be ashamed of yourself.

• 15:11Speaker 00

  Should I? Fuck.

• 15:13Speaker 01

  I hate it.

• 15:14Speaker 00

  It's good fun though. So the thing is, you can just throw it everywhere, right?

• 15:17Speaker 01

  It's not funny at all.

• 15:19Speaker 00

  I'll be honest with you, Rosie. Me and the lads do it just to annoy each other, right? So it'll literally be like, you know, oh, we're just talking. It's just like blokes just shit on each other for no reason.

• 15:28Speaker 01

  I don't have this with my friends. I don't understand.

• 15:31Speaker 00

  No, you don't. Blokes have it. You've got two sons and they're going to do it with their friends as well. But it'll literally be like, hey, I got a promoter to work today. Did you fuck? Like, it's just like, it's just fun, right? I know it's shitcrack. Like, I know it is, but it's fun, right?

• 15:44Speaker 01

  Okay, just keep it to your friends.

• 15:46Speaker 00

  Right. Well, here's the problem.

• 15:47Speaker 01

  That's what I find upsetting.

• 15:48Speaker 00

  Here's the problem. I have to issue an apology. And I haven't told you this. I forgot to say it the other day. When I was on a stag do in Dublin, me and Jordan been to a pub, I think. The rest of them went back to their lodgings to get changed. And we stayed in the pub a bit longer. And then we went to meet them at the place near where the lodgings was. And I say lodgings because they stayed in the student halls. They're fucking psychopaths. And we walked around the corner, right? And I was, you're just putting lip stuff on while we're talking?

• 16:12Speaker 01

  I'm listening.

• 16:13Speaker 00

  All right, okay.

• 16:16Speaker 01

  I can do it while I'm listening. Chris, I can do it while I'm driving. I can do it while I'm listening to you.

• 16:21Speaker 00

  Do it while you're driving. Don't say that on here.

• 16:23Speaker 01

  Do a fuck. See?

• 16:25Speaker 00

  Yes. I'll take a drink. I got so excited. So I walked around the corner, right?

• 16:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:30Speaker 00

  And I was pissed, right? I walked down, rounded the sunshine. My glasses on, my mates. I was pissed. And we walked past these people and they were sort of standing in a doorway. And one of them was like a lady. And she looked and she went, she went, eh, eh, my god, you, you? And I looked, she went, you're, you're famous?

• 16:52Speaker 00

  All together, what did I say? I'm a fuck and I kept walking and me mate, Jordan was dying and then I spent the rest of the day

• 17:00Speaker 01

  That's a Reddit feed now.

• 17:02Speaker 00

  Full on anxiety. So I apologise to that lady if she listens. You can't listen though because you're saying you're famous. You've got no fucking clue who I am. But um.

• 17:10Speaker 01

  Why'd you do that? Why have you done that?

• 17:12Speaker 00

  It's just, it's just fun.

• 17:14Speaker 01

  Like.

• 17:15Speaker 00

  I've had anxiety for the rest of the day for it.

• 17:17Speaker 01

  Good?

• 17:17Speaker 00

  Yeah. But uh, if you know that lady, uh, I apologise. Um, but it was, it was funny. I did enjoy it. Ah, yeah, just dead. Just slot in your life. Just say, I'm a fuck. Are you fuck? Is it fuck? Did the fuck?

• 17:31Speaker 01

  It's just really, it's like aggressive.

• 17:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's shite, innit?

• 17:34Speaker 01

  It's really shit.

• 17:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:35Speaker 01

  Don't do it to me ever again.

• 17:36Speaker 00

  I try not to. So sometimes it slips out and I realise and I go, oh, and I quit because you hate it.

• 17:40Speaker 01

  Because you see me face when you do it. It's awful.

• 17:43Speaker 00

  Shut the fuck up. It's the worst crack ever.

• 17:44Speaker 01

  I hate it. It makes us not fancy it at all. Like I literally go, no, genuinely, it makes us go, I've married the man who just keeps saying this and it's fucking awful. I know, but then that's marriage though, isn't it? I can't pick. Certainly it can't be perfect. No, listen, I've compromised.

• 18:03Speaker 00

  Do you want to talk about vaginal discharge?

• 18:05Speaker 01

  I'd always talk about vaginal discharge. I've told you, I want to do a period about, I want to do a period.

• 18:09Speaker 00

  A period about podcasts?

• 18:10Speaker 01

  About periods, I'll talk about vagina. I want, I've told you, I want to do a podcast about periods and true crime.

• 18:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, it is. What if there was ones where?

• 18:21Speaker 01

  And Real Housewives. I knew there was another one.

• 18:23Speaker 00

  What about some true crime where they catch them because they were on their period? That's never the woman, is it? It's always a man.

• 18:28Speaker 01

  I mean, no, they're, no, I mean, sometimes the women crimes are worse. Do you remember that Netflix documentary when she was just trolling her daughter?

• 18:35Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, she was good. She was good crack.

• 18:37Speaker 01

  Ew.

• 18:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:38Speaker 01

  No, listen, yeah, some women are mingin'. I just watched another documentary about a woman who killed and stole a baby and also killed the baby. From a pregnant woman. Yeah. See Chris, you've got no idea what goes on. Yeah. Pretended she was pregnant, lasted 10 months by the way. She just couldn't, she was literally like, what am I gonna do? Uh, the husband never like asked to say her stomach. All of his family were like, she is not pregnant. Like what's going on? And then she stole someone's baby, literally cut it out of her on the kitchen, on the kitchen floor. So women are also awful. She was on death row.

• 19:14Speaker 00

  I've heard, ah, you told me about this. I remember because she wasn't shown at all, but she told her husband she was pregnant. Do you know what he said? Are you f-

• 19:27Speaker 01

  And this is why you'll never get invited on my new podcast.

• 19:34Speaker 03

  Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lululemon fall drop. Because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it. Lululemon's fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces. So I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece and head out. Knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at lululemon.com.

• 20:04Speaker 01

  I may have come up with a name for my new podcast.

• 20:06Speaker 00

  Just while we were babadu babadu babbin' and there was probably a few adverts on.

• 20:09Speaker 01

  So it's going to be about like true crime, periods, Real Housewives, like makeup. Maybe it's a bit of fitness advice, clothes and stuff, like just stuff that are basically just everything. Food, drink, blood, sweat and tears.

• 20:24Speaker 00

  That's really good.

• 20:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's really good. Yeah. Yeah.

• 20:30Speaker 01

  I'm, I've got shit to do.

• 20:34Speaker 01

  So I'll just, just get Jason to do something. Get Cole.

• 20:38Speaker 00

  Get Cole and Jason. They're already doing their own podcast.

• 20:40Speaker 01

  They do their own. Oh, well, they might let you join in.

• 20:42Speaker 00

  I haven't been invited to play. I haven't been invited to play.

• 20:44Speaker 01

  No, I'll finish this.

• 20:45Speaker 00

  You'll finish this one.

• 20:46Speaker 01

  I'll finish this one.

• 20:46Speaker 00

  Okay, put your laptop back down.

• 20:47Speaker 01

  I've got, I've got to send some emails. I've got to get some guests. No tidlers allowed. I would have to let them in at some point.

• 20:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:55Speaker 01

  Blood, sweat and tears with Rosie Ramsey.

• 20:57Speaker 00

  Does anyone ever get shot in the ones that you're in the, in the podcast that you listen to?

• 21:01Speaker 01

  What do you mean?

• 21:01Speaker 00

  Do I get shot in the murder crime podcast, murder podcast?

• 21:05Speaker 01

  Lord, why? What are you talking about?

• 21:06Speaker 00

  So the thing you put in a gun is called a magazine, like a mag.

• 21:09Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 21:09Speaker 00

  So I think you should call it, because it's going to be about the housewives, murder podcasts and periods.

• 21:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:14Speaker 00

  I think you should call it wags, mags and rags.

• 21:18Speaker 01

  Mags, wags and rags.

• 21:20Speaker 00

  Wags, mags and rags.

• 21:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, but not, anybody else knows that they're called magazines.

• 21:26Speaker 00

  Mags.

• 21:27Speaker 01

  And I'm not promoting magazines, like gossip magazines. Oh my god, Holly Willoughby, right?

• 21:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:33Speaker 01

  Poor Holly Willoughby. The woman hasn't been on telly for a while, right?

• 21:38Speaker 00

  And they've still got on the front of that fucking...

• 21:40Speaker 01

  Every magazine. I was like, what? Eh? Make it make sense?

• 21:44Speaker 00

  It's fucking, them magazines are insane. Everywhere, I remember every week.

• 21:47Speaker 01

  It's like Holly, Holly's going through, and I didn't even read it, it was just like woes and I thought, Jesus, leave the woman alone.

• 21:54Speaker 00

  They used to put her on the front of, I remember when I was like doing Sleppy Juice and I like knew I would see her nearly every week and I know her husband well and it would be like, divorce, fear. And I'm like, they're fucking fine, I saw them the other day.

• 22:07Speaker 01

  It's, they're such a load of bollocks, it's insane.

• 22:10Speaker 00

  Crazy.

• 22:10Speaker 01

  Insane.

• 22:13Speaker 00

  It's time for what's your beef?

• 22:14Speaker 01

  What's your beef?

• 22:17Speaker 00

  My fingers are still hurting, I'll be honest with you. Right, ladies first.

• 22:21Speaker 01

  Why?

• 22:22Speaker 00

  Why is my finger hurting?

• 22:23Speaker 01

  I went first last time.

• 22:24Speaker 00

  Okay, I'll go first.

• 22:25Speaker 01

  You go first.

• 22:25Speaker 00

  You told our child, Robin, and all of his friends the other night while we're having a meal inadvertently, that you used to smoke.

• 22:36Speaker 01

  I did.

• 22:36Speaker 00

  Because you were loudly busy telling our friend's 14 or 15 year old daughter that she shouldn't smoke, that she shouldn't vape ever, she might as well just smoke.

• 22:49Speaker 01

  Yeah. In my head, it sounded like good advice.

• 22:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, it wasn't, no, it wasn't.

• 22:54Speaker 01

  Well, just because I heard.

• 22:54Speaker 00

  So that was all happening. You were telling the 14 year old to take up smoking, even though she is not considering vaping or smoking, which is great.

• 23:00Speaker 01

  She said that some, she was just talking about vaping and how young kids vape and I was like, I've heard so many bad things about vaping.

• 23:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:06Speaker 01

  I literally was like, don't vape, just smoke.

• 23:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:11Speaker 01

  If you're gonna do either, smoke. But obviously, don't smoke because it's vile.

• 23:15Speaker 00

  The point being, she wasn't considering either, because you just told her to smoke and then you loudly declared to the entire table in the restaurant, I used to smoke and our son looked up from his menu or whatever and went, ma'am, you used to smoke. So that was just the kind of thing that I would be strung up for, but I just left it.

• 23:29Speaker 01

  Well, honesty is the best policy.

• 23:32Speaker 00

  Right, what's your beef then?

• 23:33Speaker 01

  Okay, my beef with you, and it's, it's pretty obvious, but it's getting out of hand.

• 23:40Speaker 01

  And people who've been listening to this podcast for a long time will know that this is Chris's personality, but sometimes-

• 23:44Speaker 00

  Two seconds, I'm just gonna whet me whistle so I can deal with this adequately.

• 23:50Speaker 00

  There's no water in that, it's just vaginal dish, John.

• 23:53Speaker 01

  It wouldn't go up the straw.

• 23:54Speaker 00

  I don't know how I found enough to fill a Stanley, but there you go. Right.

• 23:59Speaker 01

  You just constantly need us to watch you do things.

• 24:04Speaker 01

  The other day-

• 24:05Speaker 00

  Explain yourself.

• 24:06Speaker 01

  The other day you took a handful of tablets. You had about five tablets. And you were like, Rosie, look, look, look.

• 24:11Speaker 00

  Sorry guys, sorry.

• 24:12Speaker 01

  And you just took all your tablets. I thought-

• 24:13Speaker 00

  It was all me supplements, by the way. I wasn't fucking... Jesus, that's honest.

• 24:21Speaker 00

  The other day you took a handful of tablets, we were like, Rosie, look. I'm not looking, just do it. Get it over with.

• 24:25Speaker 01

  Just fuck off already.

• 24:26Speaker 00

  It was-

• 24:27Speaker 01

  It was your supplements.

• 24:28Speaker 00

  It was my supplements. Can I tell everyone, I took them, right? Sometimes I do it dry.

• 24:30Speaker 01

  No, see, this is what I mean. No, why nobody gets it?

• 24:33Speaker 00

  Dead impressive. Three creatine, which are fucking massive. They're like little bars of soap.

• 24:36Speaker 01

  Are you taking creatine?

• 24:37Speaker 00

  Damn right, I'm taking creatine. And a friend of ours the other day said that I look really good. Creatine. Taking creatine, three creatine, two cod liver oil, two vitamin D and two collagen. Boom. All in one go.

• 24:52Speaker 01

  Why two collagen? Why two? You don't need two.

• 24:55Speaker 00

  You take one and I want to look prettier. So I take two.

• 24:59Speaker 01

  Crack the fuck on. Take everything you want because honestly, it's gonna come a cropper.

• 25:03Speaker 00

  I'm bigger than you. So if you take one, I'll take two.

• 25:07Speaker 01

  It's... You're such a-

• 25:09Speaker 00

  Any one you can take, I can take two of.

• 25:11Speaker 01

  He's such a gullible.

• 25:12Speaker 00

  I can take two of more things than you. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Yes, I can.

• 25:17Speaker 01

  Yes, I can. Don't start singing in the middle of theatre because I will sing you over. No, it's just the way that you need to be watched. It's everything. Rosie, look, look, look at this, Rosie. It's like, genuinely, I've got three kids. Everyone's like, would you ever have another kid? And I always go, no, I just, no, I don't want it. And I think, what, what? And let Chris be left out. How could he survive? You would be taking real tablets then, if I didn't look at you.

• 25:41Speaker 00

  I also take ibuprofen with no water, just straight in dry, so.

• 25:47Speaker 00

  Don't act like you're not impressed. Everyone listening, I know you're impressed. I know everyone's impressed.

• 25:51Speaker 01

  I think people who can take dry tablets have got psychopath tendencies.

• 25:56Speaker 00

  Guilty.

• 25:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, I do. I think you're a bit of a nut if you take just dry tablets. Wouldn't even cross my mind.

• 26:02Speaker 00

  Can't be arsed to go and get a glass of water.

• 26:03Speaker 01

  That's it, that's it. That is a tendency of it, isn't it?

• 26:07Speaker 00

  What, not being arsed to get water?

• 26:08Speaker 01

  Ah, just weird, just weird.

• 26:10Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 26:11Speaker 01

  Just take it two seconds.

• 26:12Speaker 00

  Watch your back. Watch your back.

• 26:14Speaker 04

  Babadu babadu babadu ba.

• 26:16Speaker 00

  It's time for questions from the public.

• 26:18Speaker 01

  Questions from the public, public.

• 26:19Speaker 00

  Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa. Public. You did it right. Thank you very much. As always, if you'd like to get in touch at shagbaridode at gmail dot com or if you'd like to send a voice note, it is zero seven eight seven four four zero six six five zero. Getting that number tattooed on myself at some point, so I don't have to keep looking for it.

• 26:34Speaker 01

  Okay. Hi Rosie and Chris.

• 26:36Speaker 00

  Hi.

• 26:36Speaker 01

  I've just listened to this week's pod where Chris was talking about going on the stag do to Dublin.

• 26:40Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 26:41Speaker 01

  And I had to write in to tell you a funny story about how we all thought Chris had died.

• 26:46Speaker 00

  What?

• 26:47Speaker 01

  In brackets, we are from and are living in Dublin.

• 26:51Speaker 00

  What?

• 26:51Speaker 01

  Listen to this. On Friday of last week, this was the Friday Chris would have been in Dublin on the stag do. So a couple of weeks ago, me and my partner were sitting out in our back garden after finishing work, enjoying the lovely sunshine with a cold beer in hand. When all of a sudden, my friend Eleanor messaged into my girls group. Did anyone hear Chris Ramsey just passed away?

• 27:16Speaker 01

  There are six of us in this group chat.

• 27:17Speaker 00

  What the hell?

• 27:18Speaker 01

  And we've all been friends since our teenage years now in our 40s. Cue 10 minutes of us Googling frantically to see if there was anything on any of the news websites about Chris's passing. My sister lives in the Midlands in the UK, so I was even messaging her to see if she'd heard anything over there. She was shocked. Odds.

• 27:35Speaker 00

  Oh, I'm, I'm quite touched that they were all checking and not just like, oh, who? Oh, good.

• 27:41Speaker 01

  Some people think you're all right.

• 27:45Speaker 01

  Or they're just nosy fuckers.

• 27:48Speaker 00

  What a fucking compliment. Some people think you're all right.

• 27:53Speaker 01

  And they hadn't heard anything either. She also started Googling and trolling the news websites. We were even looking at Rosie's Instagram and we noticed she hadn't posted in five hours.

• 28:04Speaker 00

  Fucking hell. Got problems much?

• 28:08Speaker 01

  We were like, what the fuck? This better not be true. After a panicked 10 minutes or so, we found nothing. So we asked Eleanor, are you sure? Where did you hear this? She replied and said her cousin had texted her the news and that she would ring her now to find out what she heard. A few minutes later, the following message just appears in our group chat. Oh, I'm an idiot. She passed Chris in the street.

• 28:37Speaker 00

  We see the woman actually went, I'm a fuck too. He's fucking dead to me, him.

• 28:41Speaker 01

  Do you feel like it's all coming together? Maybe this was the woman?

• 28:44Speaker 00

  Hey, you're famous, you are my fuck, right prick? You're dead to me. Hey, I just bumped into Chris Ramsey, what a prick, dead to me. Oh, he's dead? No, I passed him in the street, he was an asshole. Yeah. And I'm not an asshole, I'm, I'm, I'm nice, but I was too, listen, just to go back to the I'm a fuck thing, I was too pissed. If she'd said, eh, Chris Ramsey, I'm a big fan, I'd have been fine, but you're famous. I'm fucking six or seven pints of Guinness deep. I'm not going over to play a game of this is your life. I, I can't, I just, so I just had to leave. I can't do that because the go, but you know, sometimes where do I know you from? And then you've got to read your CV out and they go, it's none of them. And you go, I'm six Guinnesses deep, man, please.

• 29:19Speaker 01

  I know, but I'm crippled with kindness and Catholic guilt. So, you know, I could be.

• 29:25Speaker 00

  Proper Catholic, I was there as well.

• 29:26Speaker 01

  Exact, exactly. I could be four bottles of wine deep and I'd have a 20 minute conversation with her, but that's just me.

• 29:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:31Speaker 01

  You're not like that. Anyway, it all makes sense now that we know Chris was over here in Dublin on his stag. Poor Eleanor had misunderstood him passing by with passing away.

• 29:39Speaker 00

  Fantastic.

• 29:39Speaker 01

  So there you go. Um, we're all very happy that Chris passed Eleanor's cousin in the street and is still very much alive.

• 29:44Speaker 00

  Brilliant. Um, can I just say from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much. The fact that, I could cry, the fact that they were all like frantically Googling and making sure I was okay is so nice. Thank you.

• 29:53Speaker 01

  I know, but so did people when they thought that Jeffrey Epstein was like dead in prison. So I wouldn't, people are just curious.

• 30:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, fair enough.

• 30:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:04Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 30:05Speaker 01

  I don't think it's like a we'll love you thing. I think it's just like, fuck, is he dead? You know what I mean? Even bad people, people want to know if they're dead. I don't know. You know what I mean?

• 30:17Speaker 01

  She's very dead.

• 30:19Speaker 00

  Very good.

• 30:21Speaker 01

  Oh, right. Listen to this, right? See what you think of this. Hi Rosie and Chris, please keep me anonymous. I don't think anyone involved would listen, but just in case. On a recent episode, I think it was your PKM with Alice Levine, you discussed email about cuckolding.

• 30:36Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 30:36Speaker 01

  Cuck- do you know where that come from?

• 30:38Speaker 00

  No.

• 30:39Speaker 01

  Okay, I'll tell you right now because I've got it on a note. Me mum told us that when we were in Verona, there was a cuckoo bird. You could hear a cuckoo bird and apparently that's where it comes from because cuckoos would steal.

• 30:51Speaker 00

  A nest.

• 30:52Speaker 01

  The eggs out of other nests.

• 30:54Speaker 00

  They steal nests as well, don't they?

• 30:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, so they would like sit and watch. So that's where like cuckolding comes from.

• 31:00Speaker 00

  Right.

• 31:00Speaker 01

  Apparently.

• 31:01Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 31:02Speaker 01

  I might be wrong.

• 31:03Speaker 00

  Well, I'm not going to Google it, so.

• 31:05Speaker 01

  And it made me think of my grandad's friend.

• 31:08Speaker 00

  What the fuck is going on here?

• 31:09Speaker 01

  Cuckolding. Let's call him Randy. If anyone.

• 31:14Speaker 01

  It's very upsetting.

• 31:19Speaker 00

  She done that on Verus, that's fantastic.

• 31:21Speaker 01

  But for anyone listening who doesn't know what cuckolding is, it's when there's like a person who sits in the corner, usually a man watching while.

• 31:28Speaker 00

  Usually the husband or the partner of the man watching while a stranger or someone, I don't know, like, I, well, it does happen. I know for a fact it happens. Again, a mate of mine told us about a man who, just, just, just if this is your first episode, just a little, little tidbit for you. A man who gets people around to have sex with his wife on the bed. He climbs into the wardrobe. In the wardrobe, there is a little stool. He stands on the stool, puts his head through a hole in the top of the wardrobe. On top of said wardrobe is affixed to the wardrobe, a bicycle helmet, motorbike helmet. Hence, he is nicknamed the Stig. Just great.

• 32:01Speaker 01

  It's just awful.

• 32:02Speaker 00

  Just a gift that keeps on giving.

• 32:03Speaker 01

  I'm going to kill comedy a little bit here, but only momentarily. I've just listened to a really good podcast by BBC Sounds called Swingers. If you want to, if you want to listen to the dark side of swinging, have a listen to that. Anyway, listen, I'm not sure about Randy's age, but I wouldn't say he's any more than 15 years younger than my grandad, if that. My grandad will be 79 this year.

• 32:26Speaker 00

  Cool.

• 32:27Speaker 01

  Randy is flown out to Spain every year to shag his mate's wife while his mate watches.

• 32:36Speaker 01

  This guy, the guy who is wanting Randy to come and shag his wife, pays for his flights and accommodation and takes photo of the two of them mid shag, which I have seen.

• 32:47Speaker 00

  Not that Randy, if it's only once a year, is he?

• 32:50Speaker 01

  He's in some of them, also naked, sitting to the side. I assume they have sort of a tripod set up. And others is just Randy and this guy's wife. They all seem quite happy and the backgrounds are usually quite picturesque, but I could have quite happily lived out the rest of my days without these image in this garden in my brain. So more questions than answers.

• 33:08Speaker 00

  Again, so many questions. One, why has this fucking pervert showed you the picture? Don't like that he's showing people that picture. Feels a bit gross that that picture's being shown around. A bit upset that you know this. This doesn't seem like something I would want anyone to know, but he's obviously proud of it.

• 33:26Speaker 01

  Yeah. They need to get a new guy. They need to get a new guy because this guy's telling people.

• 33:31Speaker 00

  Yeah. Again, I just can't get me head around it. Who pays for the flight?

• 33:39Speaker 01

  The guy who's married.

• 33:41Speaker 00

  It's an all expensive paid trip, all expenses paid trip to shag his wife. Can you imagine getting there and going, he has me receipt for the taxi, by the way, I got a taxi at the airport, mate. You alright on that money back in me bank?

• 33:51Speaker 01

  He's a prostitute.

• 33:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's a prostitute.

• 33:54Speaker 01

  That's what I'd say to him. I'd say, you are a prostitute. Randy, you're a prostitute.

• 33:59Speaker 00

  Yeah. How many other wives is he doing this to, do you think?

• 34:01Speaker 01

  It might be a business.

• 34:03Speaker 00

  Bloody hell. I just, I just wanted to think he's ever sat on the plane and someone said, where are you off to? And he's gone, well, I'm going to such and such. All right, you've been before. I'll go every year. Just on your own? Well, sort of. He's got a fucking, you've, you're five questions away from him, I'm telling you. I hate him.

• 34:26Speaker 03

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• 34:55Speaker 05

  Kayak searches and compares hundreds of travel sites. But unless I repeat the word kayak, Kayak thinks you won't remember that. So Kayak asked me to say kayak as many times as possible. Kayak. Kayak. Kayak. Kayak. Kayak, kayak, kayak. Kayak. Search and compare travel deals with Kayak. Got that right. Honey, that flu keeping you up?

• 35:18Speaker 04

  Yeah, I don't got this. You need Nyquil Intense Flu. Undo your flu symptoms with Nyquil Intense Flu. The nighttime sniffling, aching, aching fever, best sleep with a flu medicine. You do got this. Uses directed, keep out of reach of children.

• 35:32Speaker 01

  Hi Chris and Rosie. And please keep me anonymous. I am a nurse and have been qualified for almost five years.

• 35:38Speaker 00

  Congratulations.

• 35:41Speaker 01

  So that means I was doing my training during the C word time.

• 35:44Speaker 00

  Ah, okay.

• 35:45Speaker 01

  One of my last placements. Yep, was in the busy A and E department. One night shift, we had a particularly traumatizing night in Rhesus. So the night after the charge nurse let me work in triage with my mentor. As a third year student and therefore qualifying in a few months, I was only being observed. I looked at the computer and read the patient's complaint. Foreign body in.

• 36:09Speaker 00

  Rectum. Rectum, foreign body in rectum. Ding ding ding ding. What do we have for a journey?

• 36:14Speaker 01

  Welcome back.

• 36:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:15Speaker 01

  Welcome back. It's been a while.

• 36:16Speaker 00

  Great.

• 36:17Speaker 01

  It's been a while. And the four, the four words that will make any nurse wake up and start guessing. I went to the waiting room, which was quite quiet, but there was one man standing.

• 36:28Speaker 00

  Of course he was.

• 36:28Speaker 01

  I wonder who my patient was?

• 36:32Speaker 01

  I called him in.

• 36:37Speaker 00

  It was one man squatting and leaning against the vending machine and crying.

• 36:42Speaker 01

  I called him in and saw him try to not waddle.

• 36:47Speaker 00

  I did not waddle.

• 36:48Speaker 01

  When he got in, I asked what he was in for tonight. He said, I'm not gonna like you, son. I was having a wank and got carried away.

• 36:54Speaker 00

  Oh, well, do you know what? I commend your, I commend your honesty, sir. I commend it.

• 37:01Speaker 01

  This person said, praise for his honesty.

• 37:03Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 37:03Speaker 01

  Yep. I asked what it was and it turned out to be.

• 37:06Speaker 00

  Oh, so getting carried, okay. Getting carried away, so.

• 37:10Speaker 01

  Cliche.

• 37:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, but so getting carried away.

• 37:13Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 37:13Speaker 00

  For me, means it's not something planned. It me, you know, it's not like, oh, it was me, it was me thing that I always stick up there. He just grabbed something close by.

• 37:22Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 37:22Speaker 00

  Because the C word has been mentioned, I am gonna say it's a bottle of hand sanitizer.

• 37:28Speaker 01

  No, it's not.

• 37:29Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 37:30Speaker 01

  It's a cucumber.

• 37:31Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 37:32Speaker 01

  Just old school.

• 37:34Speaker 00

  Wanking in the kitchen then.

• 37:36Speaker 01

  Did the jo, why am I took her to another room?

• 37:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I was wanking and I got carried away. So what, so like that, I'm saying that implies to me, like you went and got, but he's, he's literally got the produce. You know.

• 37:47Speaker 01

  Poor cucumber.

• 37:48Speaker 00

  Clever, no, clever swan, they come in their own condom, don't they? They've got the plastic on them.

• 37:52Speaker 01

  Well, okay.

• 37:52Speaker 00

  Give it a wipe.

• 37:53Speaker 01

  It's, not all of them do, you can buy them raw now.

• 37:56Speaker 00

  Right.

• 37:56Speaker 01

  Without, without.

• 37:57Speaker 00

  You don't mean they're all raw, but.

• 37:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:58Speaker 00

  Fuck me, can you cook? You can't cook cucumber, just water would disappear.

• 38:01Speaker 01

  I don't think he meant, I've never cooked cucumber.

• 38:03Speaker 00

  No.

• 38:04Speaker 01

  Upon examination, I saw a clear thing sticking out. He, he had kindly wrapped it in a condom.

• 38:09Speaker 00

  Oh, there we go.

• 38:09Speaker 01

  For ease, I imagine.

• 38:10Speaker 00

  You don't want your cucumber babies. Give birth to little pickles.

• 38:14Speaker 01

  Oh my God, I would love the little pickle baby. After chatting with the doctor in charge, I told him he had two options. Take him to theatre and put him to sleep.

• 38:22Speaker 00

  Or make a salad.

• 38:27Speaker 00

  You've got two, you've got two options, mate. Chicken salad or ham salad. There's your options.

• 38:32Speaker 01

  Or take him to recess area, give him a little muscle relaxant and just pull. He chose the latter, stating that his wife didn't know he was there.

• 38:39Speaker 00

  Brilliant, of course she didn't. She's at home trying to make the dinner. If you.

• 38:45Speaker 01

  If I got a phone call, tellin' me.

• 38:50Speaker 01

  That you had a cucumber stuck up your arse because you were having an exotic wank. I would be so annoyed.

• 39:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:02Speaker 01

  I literally would be like, nah.

• 39:04Speaker 00

  That would be the end of us, I think. I do believe that would be the end.

• 39:07Speaker 01

  I mean, you can't, you can't leave someone for wanking with a cucumber at their arse. I don't know if that's grounds for. But I would just be like, are you fucking, are you kidding me?

• 39:17Speaker 00

  I just, I, I, I don't think.

• 39:20Speaker 01

  Get in the car.

• 39:21Speaker 00

  I just, had he tried a hot bath?

• 39:24Speaker 01

  Had he tried to like, honestly, stick a fork in you and pull? Like.

• 39:28Speaker 00

  Oh god, woman.

• 39:30Speaker 01

  Do you know what I mean though?

• 39:32Speaker 00

  Jesus Christ, I was nearly sick there.

• 39:33Speaker 01

  It's poking out a bit.

• 39:34Speaker 00

  Is it poking out though?

• 39:35Speaker 01

  How far did he put it in? How slippery are his hands? There's so many questions. How did it, how?

• 39:40Speaker 00

  So it must, right, okay, so let, right, okay, let's, let's, let's get into this as it will, right? There must be some kicking, sticking out because they've said muscle relaxant and pull.

• 39:47Speaker 01

  They said there's a little bit poking out.

• 39:49Speaker 00

  Right, okay. So yeah, I'm just, all I'm saying is.

• 39:52Speaker 01

  So upsetting.

• 39:52Speaker 00

  Hot bath. Get a hot bath, right? Hot bath, loads of soap, bloody loads of soap.

• 39:57Speaker 01

  Drive her too?

• 39:58Speaker 00

  Yeah. Like what's happened? Why have you gone to the hospital? I don't understand. I understand if it's disappeared. We've all put, we've all put a suppository up and there's a.

• 40:06Speaker 01

  Suppositories are that big? They're the size of a little bullet.

• 40:09Speaker 00

  There's the moment where your.

• 40:09Speaker 01

  But they meant to.

• 40:10Speaker 00

  Yes, but there's the moment in it where your bug goes, nope, nope, nope, nope, gives it here.

• 40:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:14Speaker 00

  Yeah. So, yeah, I.

• 40:17Speaker 01

  I would just be like, are you?

• 40:18Speaker 00

  I just couldn't. I, I don't want to get too dark here, but I would probably just go and jump in front of a train if I couldn't get it out.

• 40:25Speaker 01

  That's really grim.

• 40:26Speaker 00

  Because I couldn't jump off the cliffs because it would be, well, you were found at the bottom. By the way, there was a cucumber up his arse. Do you think someone put that there when they found his body? Or do you think that was already there? I'd have to get disintegrated into a million pieces so no one ever found out.

• 40:37Speaker 01

  Well, here's a question, or here's a solution. Okay. If you as a man have worked out that you like things up your anus.

• 40:45Speaker 00

  Couldn't think of anything worse. Carry on.

• 40:46Speaker 01

  Well, that's you personally though.

• 40:48Speaker 00

  I'm just, I'm just stating it.

• 40:49Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 40:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:50Speaker 01

  Um, then buy things. There was things you can buy. Buy a dildo.

• 40:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:55Speaker 01

  I think, no, but.

• 40:56Speaker 00

  But that's the worry though, isn't it? Because the secretiveness of it. It's like, well, I'm only buying a cucumber. Like, you know what I mean? You, you can't, you can't.

• 41:05Speaker 01

  Apparently, listen, there's a full, the gay community would beg to differ that things up your arse are actually quite nice.

• 41:10Speaker 00

  Right.

• 41:11Speaker 01

  So he's obviously enjoying himself.

• 41:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm not saying it's not that. Okay. Every, you know, what's it, causes for causes each to their own. Like, I'm just saying, no thanks. Especially not a cucumber, Jesus. Um.

• 41:24Speaker 01

  I think carrot would be better. Harder, sti- like stiffer.

• 41:29Speaker 01

  Who are cucumbers? Get a, they get a-

• 41:31Speaker 00

  Fucking big, big way to start, like, big way to start. Have you tried a finger? It's not like a cucumber. It's fucking massive.

• 41:37Speaker 01

  I know. There's always the stuff you could have done instead of a cucumber. You could have used a spatula. And then at least the bit on the end wouldn't have sucked up. Do you know what I mean?

• 41:47Speaker 00

  Something, guys, use something with a wide base. Use something with a wide base. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. Yeah.

• 41:53Speaker 01

  We're just trying to help you out. Anyway, do you want to find out what happened?

• 41:55Speaker 00

  Uh, he died, I think.

• 41:57Speaker 01

  A cucumber the length of my forearm.

• 41:59Speaker 00

  Shut, see, see, see.

• 42:02Speaker 01

  This is not his first rodeo.

• 42:03Speaker 00

  No, this my, he's got, he's been before.

• 42:05Speaker 01

  He's been doing, he's been doing this for years. Oh my god. And then do you think he watches his family eat the cucumbers and he's like?

• 42:11Speaker 00

  Oh god, I've gone dark. Oh, I've gone dark.

• 42:13Speaker 01

  I've gone really dark.

• 42:15Speaker 00

  No cucumber for me, love.

• 42:16Speaker 01

  Yeah. Oh, oh, no, I have, he's allergic to cucumber. Can't eat it. Never had it in his life.

• 42:22Speaker 00

  Orally. Can't eat it orally.

• 42:23Speaker 01

  Yeah. Takes it up his arse though, doesn't he? Dirty bastard. Um.

• 42:28Speaker 00

  You, you're the reason I've got to have one cucumber on this salad every single time. I'm sick of it.

• 42:34Speaker 01

  My manager told me the perfect saying for nurses. He said, you can have a couple giving birth to their gorgeous baby and in the room next door is a man with a cucumber up his arse. That's, that's hospital.

• 42:45Speaker 00

  That's the light and shade of the medical profession. And, and can we just say to all medical professionals out there, thank you very much.

• 42:54Speaker 01

  Thank you. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba.

• 42:57Speaker 06

  I have an ick for you both. I was in London on the tube. Someone was gripping the handle, like as if they were gonna fall over at any moment. I looked behind me briefly, only to notice he was holding on with another hand. Both hands holding on on the tube. Disgusting. If that was my partner, we could have to end it.

• 43:26Speaker 01

  I'm confused. What was it? I didn't hear that. What was he holding on to?

• 43:29Speaker 00

  He was holding on with both hands.

• 43:32Speaker 00

  He was on the tube and he was holding on to the pole or whatever with both hands. He's fucking furious. That's such a good it.

• 43:44Speaker 00

  That is one of the best dicks we've had for a long time, holding on with both hands. He's holding on the tube with both hands. Oh, it's great.

• 43:53Speaker 01

  Um, reverse ick here, right?

• 43:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:55Speaker 01

  And this is, this is for all the roofers out there.

• 43:58Speaker 00

  Right.

• 43:58Speaker 01

  Big love to the roofers.

• 43:59Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 44:00Speaker 01

  Um, hiya, please keep me anonymous. It's not sure if my husband will appreciate this one. Reverse ick for you. Driving into work this morning, I saw a group of roofers going about their business. But as I watched, I could see one of the roofers throwing tiles to the other so he could put them into formation in like a chain, if that makes sense.

• 44:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 44:19Speaker 01

  The skill, the strength, the accuracy. Whoa.

• 44:27Speaker 00

  I know exactly. Have, have you ever seen the ones?

• 44:30Speaker 01

  So impressive.

• 44:30Speaker 00

  Have you ever seen the videos online of builders doing it?

• 44:34Speaker 01

  Mm, I watch them all the time.

• 44:35Speaker 00

  Where they're literally getting like a shovel full of the cement and they're just flinging it from one spade. And the guy up the scaffold is just catching it on another spit.

• 44:45Speaker 01

  Yes, please.

• 44:46Speaker 00

  Wonderful.

• 44:47Speaker 01

  Yes, please. Um, not sure if it's because I'm ovulating.

• 44:50Speaker 00

  Brilliant.

• 44:50Speaker 01

  The fact they had arms made from marble and brought it seemingly, or the sunshine, but God, horniest thing I've seen for a while. So there you go. Big up the roofers.

• 44:59Speaker 00

  Pretend you're a roofer, Dave. Pretend you're a roofer, throwing tiles to another roofer while you're shagging us, Dave. Pretend. Fucking amazing.

• 45:06Speaker 01

  Oh, fun. Love it.

• 45:08Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 45:09Speaker 01

  Baba do, baba do, baba do ba.

• 45:13Speaker 01

  As always, thank you so much for listening and watching. If you are shagmoanoid, uh, love you.

• 45:19Speaker 00

  Yes, we do indeed. Thank you so, so much. Uh, obviously if you're watching on YouTube, please subscribe. And if you're listening on your podcast shops, please subscribe as well. That'd be fantastic. And while you're at it, chrisramseycomedy.com. Me tour kicks off in September, September, October, November, December. Getting away from the old family for another stint. Gotta be fun.

• 45:37Speaker 01

  Oh, dark nights.

• 45:38Speaker 00

  Dark nights, bright days. I'll be awake. Can I still take my golf clubs? I reckon for the first couple of months I can take my golf clubs. I'll be all right, won't I? Yeah, she cares. She cares massively.

• 45:48Speaker 01

  Do I fuck?

• 45:51Speaker 00

  Nice, doesn't it? Feels nice, doesn't it?

• 45:53Speaker 01

  No, I hate it every second of it. Bye! Bye!

• 45:57Speaker 02

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