Mock the Week, Hotel Parties, and will Chris Weep or Faint?

On this week's Shagged Married Annoyed, Chris has returned home a very tired guy! He has some hotel party beef and could potentially either weep or faint... The couple discuss Rosie's exercise injury, Lynx Africa and there is a coffee cup dispute! Questions from the public cover some mystery liquid, an HP Sauce Bottle and a getting ready ick. There's also some voice notes that include a reverse ick and a weather app invention! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [email protected] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Coming up on this week's episode of Shag Maudenoid.

• 0:02Speaker 01

  Lots of us mourning about being old.

• 0:04Speaker 00

  We are doing some proper old person mourning.

• 0:07Speaker 01

  It's alright.

• 0:07Speaker 00

  We're gonna bloody pull the sticks out of our arses.

• 0:10Speaker 01

  Chris is very tired.

• 0:11Speaker 00

  I'm a tired little teddy bear, but Rosie has got me back for once.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  Mmm, you're welcome. Coffee beefs?

• 0:18Speaker 00

  Both coffee related beefs. Tells again, tells you where we are in life. And as always, questions and voice notes from you lovely lot. Enjoy.

• 0:27Speaker 02

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• 0:57Speaker 03

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• 1:27Speaker 01

  Hello, you are listening and watching Shag Maudenoid with me Rosie Ramsay, my husband Christopher Ramsay. Still married, still going strong.

• 1:34Speaker 00

  Yay.

• 1:34Speaker 01

  Bloody, bloody, bloody blah.

• 1:36Speaker 00

  Bloody, bloody, blah.

• 1:37Speaker 01

  Next month it'll be 12 years. Am I right? Yes. 2014?

• 1:42Speaker 00

  Uh, yes, 2014 we got married. So yes, next month.

• 1:46Speaker 01

  12 years. Eee, that's insane, isn't it?

• 1:49Speaker 00

  Well done.

• 1:49Speaker 01

  Well done to us.

• 1:50Speaker 00

  God. Hello everyone, by the way. Didn't you get a chance to say hello? Yeah, well done, well done. If you're knocking around the old 12 years as well, or even if one year, or even if you're not with anyone. Well done for everything you're doing. I'm proud of you.

• 2:00Speaker 01

  Yep. And neither of us, not that I know of, scratched that itch.

• 2:05Speaker 00

  No.

• 2:05Speaker 01

  That seven year itch.

• 2:06Speaker 00

  We didn't. The seven year itch was a thing, wasn't it?

• 2:08Speaker 01

  I mean, I was scratched. I was itchy, but I didn't scratch. I'm totally joking.

• 2:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was itchy. You need to get some cream, I've told you. Now, listen.

• 2:17Speaker 00

  We're gonna crack straight on and I'm gonna explain why.

• 2:19Speaker 01

  Yes, okay.

• 2:20Speaker 00

  Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for being here. Thank you for watching. If you're watching on YouTube, please consider subscribing. That would be lovely. I've got to catch Mr. Beast. He's on 500 million subscribers. Got to catch him.

• 2:30Speaker 01

  Well, good luck with that old social media ban.

• 2:33Speaker 00

  Catch him. Oh, yeah, good point.

• 2:35Speaker 01

  Goodbye, Mr. Beast.

• 2:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, no, I mean, I think he'll be fine. But listen, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor, this week's sponsor. It's why I feel groggy. It's why I'm tired. It's why I feel like a little bit like this is a dream and I want it to be over with, so I can go and have some sleep. It's this week's sponsor is, hi guys, party back at my hotel room after whatever fucking shithole we've been to. By the way, it's right next door to Chris Ramsey's hotel room and we'll just have our music blaring all night. Assholes.

• 3:05Speaker 01

  So bad.

• 3:05Speaker 00

  I'm raging. So I did a...

• 3:07Speaker 01

  Tell them, tell them.

• 3:08Speaker 00

  So I did Mock the Week yesterday. Mock the Week, by the way, if Mock the Week was the sponsor, Mock the Week would be, um, Mock the Week. Three days of panicking, three hours of laughter.

• 3:17Speaker 01

  I know, you are shitting your pants.

• 3:19Speaker 00

  Shitting my pants.

• 3:21Speaker 01

  It was really strange to witness.

• 3:23Speaker 00

  Do you know the last time, the last time I did Mock the Week, um, one of our friends, Michael, of Michael and Chloe, phoned me in the dressing room to tell me Chloe was pregnant with their first child.

• 3:34Speaker 01

  And how old is?

• 3:35Speaker 00

  She's 12.

• 3:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:36Speaker 00

  That's the, that's the last time I did Mock the Week.

• 3:38Speaker 01

  Well, it's not because the programme finished.

• 3:41Speaker 00

  No, no, no, it kept going for ages. I've upset someone or I was, I think I was a pain. I might have just been a pain in the arse. Or I might have just not been the right fit, like, you know, I don't know.

• 3:49Speaker 01

  I think you upset someone.

• 3:50Speaker 00

  Probably, but I'm back and all is forgiven and we had a lovely time. And if, as you're listening to this now, it'll have been on a Wednesday just before the England match, um, which is obviously tonight as we record this. But yeah, it's, um, it, three days of absolute panic.

• 4:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:03Speaker 00

  Absolute genuine fear. Um, I, I've never, so again, you know how, you know how I went and did the traders podcast, even though I hadn't seen traders? So I went and agreed to do Mock the Week, even though I legit haven't watched the news since 2020.

• 4:19Speaker 01

  You, can I tell them?

• 4:20Speaker 00

  No, yes, go on then.

• 4:22Speaker 01

  You said to me.

• 4:24Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 4:25Speaker 01

  Who's Andy Burnham?

• 4:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, because I kept getting emails of news stories about a guy called Andy Burnham and I was like, who the fuck's Once I saw his photo, I recognised him and it all clicked. I wasn't, I just wasn't aware of his name.

• 4:35Speaker 01

  No, I'm jealous, I'm jealous.

• 4:37Speaker 00

  I live under a fucking rock.

• 4:38Speaker 01

  But then I don't understand what you're upset about all the time. You don't know about anything. I get, I get myself wound up about politics and I have to like take a step back for a day or two.

• 4:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:47Speaker 01

  And then I get upset again, but you, you're just a bit angry sometimes.

• 4:51Speaker 00

  I'm just anxious.

• 4:52Speaker 01

  And I'm like, what about, like, you don't know anything about the world?

• 4:54Speaker 00

  I do know some stuff.

• 4:55Speaker 01

  Ah, man, you don't know much.

• 4:56Speaker 00

  I just specifically don't follow politics at all. I find it boring. I find it sad.

• 5:01Speaker 01

  So how did you cope? Did you just do a lot of smiling and nodding?

• 5:04Speaker 00

  Uh, no, I, I wrote jokes on what I had jokes on and what I didn't have jokes on. I just laughed at everyone else's jokes. Um, but I, I literally watched.

• 5:10Speaker 01

  But what if the?

• 5:11Speaker 00

  What?

• 5:12Speaker 01

  What if you didn't understand it and you weren't meant to laugh in the pant of you and you're like, ha, ha, ha, ha.

• 5:16Speaker 00

  Well, I didn't laugh on my own, I'm not a moron.

• 5:18Speaker 01

  Oh my god, he's laughing.

• 5:19Speaker 00

  No, but also everything.

• 5:19Speaker 01

  Cancel, cancel that man.

• 5:22Speaker 00

  Well, no, the thing is, the beautiful thing about, the, the reason I'm doing stand up again on my tour, uh, second leg on sale now for the autumn, September, October, November, December. Crosshams comedy dot com. Um, the, the reason I love doing stand up now again, and the reason I really enjoyed doing Mock the Week was on this podcast and on all podcasts, people take, the media and people take what you say as, oh, this is their opinion.

• 5:43Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 5:43Speaker 00

  Whereas on Mock the Week, you know it's a joke. I said some shit yesterday that I don't agree with at all, but it was a joke. Like, they're jokes. No, but they're just jokes. Do you know what I mean? But I stayed away from all the, I stayed away from all the political stuff. One, because I don't understand it. Two, because it makes us sad. Three, because I don't know who most of them are. Um, but you know, all the other stuff is fine. Anyway, listen, so I did Mock the Week. It was great fun. The cast was fantastic. Went to my hotel afterwards. Um, oh, Mr Ramsay, we've upgraded you.

• 6:09Speaker 00

  They never upgrade you when you're there for more than one night.

• 6:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:13Speaker 00

  You're there for one night. Oh, we've upgraded you to a massive suite with a balcony. Fucking pointless. I'm literally going straight to bed.

• 6:18Speaker 01

  Eleven o'clock.

• 6:19Speaker 00

  I got in at eleven o'clock. I went straight, I went, I went to sleep about midnight, uh, half two in the morning. I just hear a load of fucking people outside my room. So they're all piling into some guy's room. Um, right next door to mine, to the point where I thought they were so loud on the balcony with music, I thought they'd climbed onto my balcony. Cause this, it's got, this hotel's got a couple of, a couple of rooms with balconies. And I was just fucking lying there. And it's that thing of, I totally understand. Can you remember like Neighbours from hell and that?

• 6:44Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 6:44Speaker 00

  I understand fully when people would lose their fucking rag and go around with a baseball bat and smash their neighbours' windows in because they were just relentlessly getting tortured.

• 6:53Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 6:53Speaker 00

  Totally understand it. Don't condone it, but totally understand it.

• 6:56Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 6:56Speaker 00

  So I'm lying there in bed and I can hear them and I'm like, fuck, I can hear the music, I can hear them talking. There must have been 20 people in his room. It was crazy, right?

• 7:02Speaker 01

  How did you know it was a bloke?

• 7:04Speaker 00

  Because, I'll get to that. Um, well, I don't, I'm assuming. I'm assuming it was a bloke. I'm just assuming. Um, because of how, I'll tell you. So they were playing all these different music. The music, I was gonna lean over the balcony at one point and say two things. One, stop it. Two, can I have your playlist? Because it's genuinely good music.

• 7:22Speaker 01

  Oh, okay. So what, what kind of music was it?

• 7:24Speaker 00

  Loads of different music. At one point it was a, "There was a teenage wed and then the old folks wished them well."

• 7:29Speaker 01

  Okay, so, oh, I like them a little bit more now.

• 7:32Speaker 00

  Still, still a bunch of cunts.

• 7:34Speaker 01

  Still, sorry, didn't mean to drop the C-bomb. But yeah, I hate them. Hate them for you.

• 7:39Speaker 00

  So, thank you. Solidarity.

• 7:40Speaker 01

  Good, but good music. I thought it would have been like, umms.

• 7:43Speaker 00

  So it changed to that. Once everyone left and there was one person left on their own as I, so again, I'm skipping ahead because you're not letting us tell my story.

• 7:50Speaker 01

  I don't, well.

• 7:51Speaker 00

  So, I don't like, I phoned reception and I was like, the room next to us is making loads of noise. They're like, well, send someone. Nothing happened.

• 7:58Speaker 01

  Oh, God, honestly. Ick.

• 8:00Speaker 00

  And I'll tell you why. Yes, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu blue belt, probably should have knocked on the door and gave some hell. But the thing is, if you knock on the door, or if you hang over the balcony and say something, I get like a burst of adrenaline and I would never have slept again anyway. So I'm like, right, I've got to.

• 8:14Speaker 01

  And also not worth it. I told you about the video I watched the other day. Sometime, it was a police officer and they were just like, sometimes, even though you seem like an absolute pussy in the moment, sometimes just walking away from a confrontation is the safest thing to do because, you know what it is? Fight with this random stranger or die.

• 8:31Speaker 00

  I mean, I would never, I would have just went back to my room and shut the door.

• 8:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, but they could have stabbed you.

• 8:34Speaker 00

  Through the door, what they got?

• 8:35Speaker 01

  Could've opened the door, stabbed you really quick.

• 8:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:38Speaker 01

  Shived you right there and then.

• 8:39Speaker 00

  There it is.

• 8:39Speaker 01

  You're dead on the floor.

• 8:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:41Speaker 01

  And they're just like, well.

• 8:42Speaker 00

  Still dancing.

• 8:43Speaker 01

  Still.

• 8:44Speaker 00

  Still dancing about you. It was a teenage red and then we've just killed some bloke.

• 8:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've been in the news for three weeks and then.

• 8:52Speaker 00

  I doubt I'd get three weeks, there's a lot going on.

• 8:54Speaker 01

  Then it'd be done.

• 8:55Speaker 00

  So, um, I, uh, yeah, I just, I just sort of lay there. So from half two till basically half four.

• 9:03Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 9:03Speaker 00

  I just lay there gutted.

• 9:05Speaker 01

  Bastards.

• 9:05Speaker 00

  I had the half seven train booked and I thought, fuck this. And I went on the L and A R website and I just found that, I was like, uh, first train out of London's five forty eight. I was like, here we go. So I got up and as I left, I opened the balcony door and stuck my head out and someone on the balcony was chain smoking and the music had changed to like.

• 9:23Speaker 01

  So they were still up?

• 9:24Speaker 00

  At ten past five, that prick, it was definitely a bloke, was sitting on the balcony, smoking. Um, and yeah, I, obviously I took, I did me classic. I took his do not disturb sign off the door.

• 9:35Speaker 01

  Good.

• 9:35Speaker 00

  That's gone. So someone will knock him up at some point.

• 9:37Speaker 01

  We did think about calling the room.

• 9:39Speaker 00

  I was gonna, so I was, so I said on my way out, I said, can you call rooms from outside? And they went, yeah. And I went, right, okay. And I thought, I'm gonna ring them at like nine o'clock and be like.

• 9:47Speaker 01

  But you're better than that.

• 9:48Speaker 00

  Well, also they'll go, what's his name? And I'll, I'll go, hello, my, my friend is in room such and such. Can I, can you put us through? They'd go, what's his name? I'd go, I, I don't know, like.

• 9:58Speaker 01

  But like, do you know what blows my mind? Cause I'm, I'm, I'm sitting here being like five o'clock. I used to sit up till five o'clock in the morning.

• 10:05Speaker 00

  You still would if you got the chance. You still, you stay up till two or three.

• 10:07Speaker 01

  Well, we can, right? But that's in my own home. I'm not disturbing anyone. Cause I'm not an asshole.

• 10:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:12Speaker 01

  But like, that's a nice hotel. That's an expensive room.

• 10:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:16Speaker 01

  You're talking central London, right?

• 10:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:19Speaker 01

  For the smallest room in that hotel, it's about four hundred pound a night.

• 10:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy expensive.

• 10:24Speaker 01

  So these people.

• 10:25Speaker 00

  But they were all in the hotel, but they were all in the hotel as well because.

• 10:28Speaker 01

  They're all just privileged little bastards.

• 10:30Speaker 00

  Well, the Brady's fucking door shut at one point, your whole room shut. They all left. The Brady's door shut and they all went to their rooms. Crazy.

• 10:36Speaker 01

  Hate them. Well, do you wanna, honestly, if you're still listening, you're really upset, my lad. He's had no sleep. He's absolutely shattered. He'd had a really hard day at work, he was really stressed. So you know what it is? I fuck up, fuck you. And I hope, I really hope that something, I just hope you trip down the stairs.

• 10:55Speaker 00

  I hope you stand on a plug.

• 10:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, I hope you stand on a plug.

• 10:58Speaker 00

  I hope you get, I hope you get indigestion and you can't get rid of it all day.

• 11:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:01Speaker 00

  You lie down and it hurts.

• 11:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, I hope you got wind. I hope it goes up, travels up to your shoulder and you have to go to hospital.

• 11:06Speaker 00

  Oh, wow, that one, that one.

• 11:07Speaker 01

  Cause you've really upset my lad. So shame on you.

• 11:11Speaker 00

  And, and I fell asleep on the train on the way back and I hurt me neck.

• 11:15Speaker 01

  And he's hurt his neck.

• 11:16Speaker 00

  And, and I asked for a bacon sandwich on the train and they forgot it and I had to get off.

• 11:21Speaker 01

  And, and the people have forgot his bacon sandwich?

• 11:24Speaker 00

  That is getting pathetic now.

• 11:25Speaker 01

  I've got your back darling.

• 11:27Speaker 00

  I feel like I've took you down the street holding your hand to the, to the bully's house and you're standing on the drive.

• 11:30Speaker 01

  I'll do it for you.

• 11:31Speaker 00

  Thank you very much.

• 11:32Speaker 01

  I've got your back babe.

• 11:32Speaker 00

  Twelve years, he has to twelve more years.

• 11:34Speaker 01

  This is how we do it. Twelve years. But no, I feel your pain because it's just the worst thing.

• 11:39Speaker 00

  It's fucking, you're like, ah.

• 11:41Speaker 01

  Mine was when I did Comic Relief.

• 11:43Speaker 00

  Mm hmm. Like the rang your hotel room, didn't it?

• 11:45Speaker 01

  Hotel rang, is it? The fucking person from the room service rang, rang us at midnight. And she was like, was it the seeded bread? And I was like, what? I haven't ordered anything.

• 11:57Speaker 00

  I unplugged my phone.

• 11:58Speaker 01

  Well, well, now I do. And then I just didn't sleep. So I did Comic Relief on two hours sleep and I was so upset. Anyway, so I totally get it. But wankers who are just loud. But, so I've never been that person. I've always been annoyingly conscientious.

• 12:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 12:15Speaker 01

  To, to like, to a fault sometimes. Cause actually I think I was a bit of a twat when I was younger.

• 12:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 12:19Speaker 01

  And if people, my friends were being loud, I'd be like, guys, we should probably like, we should probably be quiet now.

• 12:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was the boy, yeah, yeah. I've left house parties because people in the, people in the, in the building have complained and my mates have refused to turn the music down and I've gone, right, I'm going, I can't be part of this.

• 12:31Speaker 01

  I follow the rules like.

• 12:32Speaker 00

  I just think when you read, like, I remember I was at a house party once and me mate was like.

• 12:36Speaker 01

  Paid for that room, like.

• 12:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, when I was at a house party once and me mate was like, the person from downstairs came upstairs and knocked and they were like, you're being really loud. And he was like, oh, you always knocks? And I went, well, you're always loud then? I wonder if he can hear you? He can hear you and you're loud? Like, and they've got kids? Like, what the fuck? So, yeah. Anyway, you know, I don't know. But it was, it was just, it was just one of them things where, and the thing is, I'm not. I'm not scared of knocking on the, I've, I was trying to explain this to you. I'm not scared of knocking on the door or leaning over the balcony and blokes being like, fuck off mate. Cause I can handle that if it was like fuck off mate and it was like an argument with a guy. I'm always just, I'm always, I don't know what it is, but I'm, I'm, it's like the schoolboy in us. I'm always frightened that I'm going to knock on the door and it's going to be women and they're going to go, oh, get a life man, you boring old twat.

• 13:18Speaker 01

  Is that what it is?

• 13:19Speaker 00

  It's worse if it's women. If it's men, at least it can have a shout back or maybe have a fucking scrap. But if it's women and they're like, oh, what? We're just listening to music. You're pathetic. Go away. I'd feel fucking microscopic.

• 13:30Speaker 01

  Annoyed, yes.

• 13:31Speaker 00

  My dick would go inside my body.

• 13:33Speaker 01

  Do you know what though? I think I would be fine with it up until about midnight.

• 13:37Speaker 00

  It was still playing music at ten past five this morning.

• 13:39Speaker 01

  Alright, fair enough. Everyone wants to have a nice time, but after midnight I'd be seething. Anyway.

• 13:44Speaker 00

  So Carl, this has happened to Carl before and Carl has a, and I tried, I was going to do it this morning, but I didn't bother. But Carl's before, he's turned his hotel TV on and he's put it full. No, he didn't turn his TV on. He had a Bluetooth speaker in the room and he hooked his phone up to it and he blasted some album. He went, he went out for breakfast and he came back and the album was still blasting. And I was like, it's great. You're getting that person back.

• 14:06Speaker 01

  But then it's not down the other person.

• 14:07Speaker 00

  There could be, there could be people above you, people below you. But anyway, look, all I'm saying is if you're in a hotel, first of all, hotels, stop giving. If I, when I walk in a hotel and I see that as standard, there's a Bluetooth speaker in the room, stupid fucking idea. Stupid idea. If I see by the side of the bed, there's earplugs, a lot of hotels do that. I already know, okay, I'm in a bad time here. I'm not coming back here. If you're in a hotel and you're having people back in your room, well, just, you know, keep the fucking noise down. Or maybe just stop at like one o'clock in the morning. That'd be nice.

• 14:34Speaker 01

  God, we're old as fuck.

• 14:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, we are old as fuck. Just enjoy yourself, kids. Fucking ignore me.

• 14:38Speaker 01

  Jesus Christ.

• 14:39Speaker 00

  Ignore me. Look, the bag's going to be nice, man. I look 85. Oh God.

• 14:45Speaker 00

  I need a Rennie.

• 15:08Speaker 01

  Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Marionoid.

• 15:11Speaker 00

  Hello.

• 15:12Speaker 01

  I did some arm exercises, two days in a row.

• 15:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:14Speaker 01

  Just a YouTube thing. This Irish lass, but with 5kg like weights.

• 15:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:20Speaker 01

  And it was just sort of like arm raises and all this kind of stuff. I swear to God, I can't move.

• 15:26Speaker 00

  Really?

• 15:26Speaker 01

  Like, it's ruined me day yesterday.

• 15:30Speaker 00

  Steven Bartlett, are you?

• 15:32Speaker 01

  Oh my God.

• 15:33Speaker 00

  Are you the opposite of Steven Bartlett? Not having three glasses, you did some exercise and it's ruined your day? Steven, we found it. You know in Unbreakable where Bruce Willis, where Samuel L Jackson's the guy who like can break his bones just by like sneezing? And Bruce Willis, and he has to find his opposite. You're Steven Bartlett's opposite?

• 15:50Speaker 01

  Because I did the exercise without no glasses of wine and now I can't move. No, honestly, yesterday I had such a bad day because I was just on, I was in agony. And then it's still not great today. I'm gonna have to do it again.

• 16:03Speaker 00

  Yes, so do it again with lighter weights.

• 16:05Speaker 01

  I do need lighter weights, they're far too heavy.

• 16:07Speaker 00

  So you need to do it again with lighter weights. So there's them ones on the back of the Peloton bike.

• 16:09Speaker 01

  She did it with a six.

• 16:11Speaker 00

  Because she's a professional YouTube exercise person.

• 16:13Speaker 01

  Do you want your leg?

• 16:14Speaker 00

  You need to stretch, you need to stretch afterwards.

• 16:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, I did stretch.

• 16:17Speaker 00

  Again, old bastards hate people partying in hotels, hashtag fossils. You need to stretch afterwards. Every single time I do jiu-jitsu, every single time I see them all on the mat stretching afterwards and I go, ah, I'll just go home, I'll be fine. I'm never fine. I can't move for days.

• 16:30Speaker 01

  I need to tell you something and it's been bugging me for years, but I think it's because I'm mentally ill, right? Do you know jiu-jitsu?

• 16:37Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 16:37Speaker 01

  Every time you say it, it really upsets us because it's spelt J-I-U, isn't it?

• 16:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:43Speaker 01

  So in my head, every time you say it, I say jiu, jiu-jitsu.

• 16:46Speaker 00

  In your head, jiu-jitsu.

• 16:47Speaker 01

  Because it's just like not, it should just be J-U, like ju, jitsu. It's just something that happens.

• 16:53Speaker 00

  I've stopped saying BJJ because people think it's BJ. I've stopped saying BJJ because people think it's BJ.

• 16:57Speaker 01

  Just BJ. Anyway, that's not important.

• 16:59Speaker 00

  I said jits for a bit and people didn't like seeing jits.

• 17:01Speaker 01

  Jits is disgusting. It just sounds like coming. It's just like jits.

• 17:05Speaker 00

  Look, I'm gonna be honest, it's very homosectionally charged, the entire thing from start to finish.

• 17:10Speaker 01

  So gay.

• 17:11Speaker 00

  Do you know there's a...

• 17:12Speaker 01

  That video you shared.

• 17:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:14Speaker 01

  That was gay porn.

• 17:16Speaker 00

  Yeah. Tell that to the guy underneath. Again, sounds even gayer. There's a, there's a, one of the best guys in the world called Craig Jones. He, he, he brought out a Rashgard, a t-shirt and you know, you know.

• 17:28Speaker 01

  What do you mean best guys in the world? Do you mean a jiu jitsu?

• 17:31Speaker 00

  Yeah. Oh, he's not like my best, he's not my favourite. He's not my favourite human.

• 17:34Speaker 01

  I hear you said it. One, one of the best guys in the world.

• 17:38Speaker 00

  He's one of the best, he's one of the best people ever. No, he's one of the best guys at jiu jitsu. He brought, you know, you know Mountain Dew, the, the drink? He, he's brought out a Rashgard and it's the, it's, it's the same colours, but instead of Mountain Dew, it says, it says Mountain Dudes. Because you mount, you mount them, mountain dudes. Yeah. Someone wore, someone wore one at our gym and got fucking torn to shreds. It's really funny.

• 18:00Speaker 01

  Oh, nice. Okay.

• 18:01Speaker 00

  Everyone was just like, ah!

• 18:02Speaker 01

  Bans, bans, bans.

• 18:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. Bans, bans, bans. Listen, speaking of, speaking of awfulness, another thing that really upset me yesterday.

• 18:10Speaker 01

  Oh, is it? Have we just turned, are we mourners now?

• 18:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, but listen to this though. But listen to this, because we've, we've encountered something like this before, but we were on, I was on the, god, stop stretching yourself. I was on the train yesterday and there was these two guys and they were sitting chatting to each other and I just heard one of them, I went nowhere, I just heard him go, Lynx Africa. And I had my headphones on, but I think the thing I was watching must have went quiet. Oh no, I was, I was writing jokes, I didn't, I wasn't, I wasn't watching anything. And I heard Lynx Africa. And I was like, right. I said, why? I thought, why has he said Lynx? I've never heard anyone say Lynx Africa for years.

• 18:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:44Speaker 00

  Big, back in the day, big fan of Lynx Africa. And.

• 18:47Speaker 01

  Oh, we're gonna reach the Lynx phase soon.

• 18:49Speaker 00

  Well, his mate went, Lynx Africa. And I was like, why are they saying Lynx Africa? And then I just heard.

• 18:58Speaker 00

  And I thought, surely not.

• 19:00Speaker 01

  They've sprayed it on the train.

• 19:01Speaker 00

  And then I saw through the gap, he handed it to his mate. He went, oh yeah. And the pair of them, on the train. Doused themselves.

• 19:09Speaker 01

  Absolutely not.

• 19:11Speaker 00

  Any smelling thing would be awful. I mean, I'll be honest with you, I hadn't smelled East Africa for some time. I got a lovely blast of nostalgia when I got hit by the first wave.

• 19:19Speaker 01

  I got that with impulse.

• 19:20Speaker 00

  When I got the first wave of it and then it took over the entire cat. But I just, and I got off and I walked past it and I wanted to go, we're getting off five minutes later. I want to go, could you not have gone and done that in the toilet? Or could you not do it on the floor? Why? Why am I being hotboxed? Why are you changing, turning this carriage into a teenage boy's bedroom? What are you doing?

• 19:38Speaker 01

  Because all the pricks have had kids who are now pricks.

• 19:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:42Speaker 01

  Everyone who you used to hang around with when you were younger, who would just do shit and you go, have you never been told off in your life?

• 19:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:48Speaker 01

  They've all had kids and they don't tell their kids off. And then they've had kids and they don't tell their kids off.

• 19:54Speaker 00

  Sorry, that's, that's.

• 19:55Speaker 01

  No, just everyone, just.

• 19:56Speaker 00

  You've gone too many, you've gone one generation in the future.

• 19:59Speaker 01

  Dicks have, dicks have kids.

• 20:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:01Speaker 01

  Dicks have kids and then, you know.

• 20:04Speaker 00

  Welcome to Biology with Rosie. I'll just do you a credit there. It's a dick and a vagina of kids.

• 20:08Speaker 01

  But then again, our kids then watch kids be dicks and then look at us and go, how come on, I'm not allowed to do that? And I'm like.

• 20:14Speaker 00

  Because that kid's a dick.

• 20:15Speaker 01

  Because I'm the strict mum.

• 20:17Speaker 00

  There it is. There it is.

• 20:19Speaker 01

  Babadu babadu babadu ba.

• 20:21Speaker 02

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• 20:51Speaker 03

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• 21:22Speaker 04

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• 21:53Speaker 00

  Speaking of our kid, Robyn said something the other day which irritated me, but I think it's gonna wind you up quite a lot.

• 22:02Speaker 01

  Was that not there?

• 22:03Speaker 00

  No, you weren't there. So, obviously, he's, you know, he watches things on telly and he sort of plays on computer games. Not loads, we're really sort of dialing back how much he goes on stuff. But obviously, you know, he inhabits his own little world. And he just said something the other day where I thought, you haven't even learnt the real... you're not even... Right, basically. We're talking about, he likes a bit of hip-hop now and then, and I put Kanye West on.

• 22:29Speaker 01

  He knows all the words to all the Eminem songs.

• 22:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Clean versions.

• 22:34Speaker 01

  And also, there was another song that he knew all the words to, and I actually had his friend in the back of the car, and I had to get him to turn it off because I was like, "You probably shouldn't know the words to these, but I don't want you..."

• 22:43Speaker 00

  It's "Stronger" by Kanye West.

• 22:45Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 22:46Speaker 00

  "Now don't kill me."

• 22:47Speaker 01

  He knows all the words, and it's not that appropriate for his age.

• 22:50Speaker 00

  So, the first verse has an F and two S's in, and then there's no swearing for the rest of it. Anyway, so then I put "Through the Wire" on, which was obviously Kanye West's first breakout song, which was when he had a car accident, and he rapped the whole thing because his jaw was wired up, and he does the whole thing through his jaw. And I paused it, I said, "Listen to the way he's talking, Robyn, like, he did this, he got his jaw broken, he did this whole thing." And he went, "Oh." He went, "So he was rapping while he had a broken jaw?" I went, "Yeah." He went, "Right." "When was this?" I went, "Well, this came out when I was in college." He went, "Right." He went, "So..." "So has it regenerated now?"

• 23:36Speaker 01

  What does he mean?

• 23:37Speaker 00

  I went, "What?" He went, "Has his jaw regenerated?" I went, "Do you mean healed?"

• 23:46Speaker 01

  Oh, fuck me.

• 23:49Speaker 00

  He went, yeah, I went, it's, it's here, I went, it doesn't reject, I went, it heals.

• 23:53Speaker 01

  He's living in a computer game.

• 23:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, fucking ready play, I won, yeah.

• 23:57Speaker 01

  Oh, fuck me.

• 23:57Speaker 00

  Has it regenerated?

• 23:58Speaker 01

  He stood under a-

• 23:59Speaker 00

  Doctor, doctor, will it regenerate?

• 24:01Speaker 01

  Stand under that beam of light.

• 24:02Speaker 00

  If you get enough points, it will.

• 24:04Speaker 01

  Fucking hell. Oh, that's grim, innit?

• 24:07Speaker 00

  I was like, oh god.

• 24:11Speaker 01

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, bah.

• 24:13Speaker 00

  So, I haven't told you this, I very rarely get triggered by things or get really upset by things. Something happened, there's two things recently, you know, when something goes through you like nails on a chalkboard.

• 24:24Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 24:25Speaker 00

  Like, two things recently went, oh god, even thinking about it, I'm messing on me hands. So, I was, when I was coming back from the golf trip, I must have been a bit tired, a little bit like, you know, a couple of days of drinking and we've been playing golf and been travelling. And something came up on my Instagram and I don't know what it was and I never want to search for it again, I never want to see it again. But it was like, it must have been AI.

• 24:45Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 24:46Speaker 00

  So you know, like, if you look over behind you there, anyone in the room, I'm pointing at, anyone on YouTube, you can't see it either. Basically, I'm pointing at the radiator valve, can you see the radiator valve? So like a pipe, that's like a right angled pipe valve, like with a screw either side, right? So just imagine a right angled L shaped bit of pipe.

• 25:07Speaker 01

  Right.

• 25:07Speaker 00

  There was a video of someone and they had their hands out, it was just their hands in front of them. And they had somehow, whether they were trick ones and they opened up like kinder eggs, but they had right angled pipes on each knuckle. So, it, all of their knuckles were at like a 90 degree angle.

• 25:26Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 25:27Speaker 00

  And they were moving them in front of the camera and I'm not kidding, I felt physically sick.

• 25:31Speaker 01

  I don't think that's real.

• 25:32Speaker 00

  A couple of days, it had us for a couple of days and I was like, I kept holding me hands, I kept, I was trying to go to bed at night and I was thinking about it and it was, it properly affected us, right? And there's one thing that went through was more than this and I don't know if you're aware that our son did this the other day.

• 25:46Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 25:46Speaker 00

  You're aware, he lost his tooth.

• 25:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:49Speaker 00

  He came out of school and he went, dad, he had a wobbly tooth, he came out of school, he went, dad, my tooth, I told you it would come out and I went, yeah, I told you it would come out today. And in front of us in the yard, you know how they're really sharp on the bottom?

• 25:58Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 25:59Speaker 00

  He fucking put it back. In his mouth.

• 26:02Speaker 01

  He did that to me as well.

• 26:04Speaker 00

  Oh my god. I literally was like, oh, Robert, oh, I was like, get it out. Oh, I was like, like, and his mate was going, what's the matter? And the mate's dad was going, what's the matter? I was going, he's put his, he's put his soup bag in it. Just because they're so sharp, they're like, like.

• 26:18Speaker 01

  That wouldn't have bothered me.

• 26:20Speaker 00

  I nearly left and they and drove home without them. It was horrendous. And I was just like, two things that just.

• 26:26Speaker 01

  I keep forgetting, he's got, he's getting little teeth that he's coming back. Um, you know what you would have hated? There was a girl I went to school with, a comp, and she did something rea-, I don't know what the fuck she did to her hand. Um, but she had like a, a cast on, a cast, but then her fingers, it had like string, there was like bits of string. On this thing, on like a machine, like a metal thing with loads of bits of string.

• 26:51Speaker 00

  Oh my god, so she's basically had like this, the hand reconstructed. So there'd be, there must have been pins and stuff in it and then stuff coming out.

• 26:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think so. It was so mad.

• 26:59Speaker 00

  Fucking mandolin.

• 27:00Speaker 01

  It was, it was insane. It was insane to look at. And I think she must have got sick of people because I was just like.

• 27:06Speaker 00

  Bless her. So her hand must have been like crushed or something.

• 27:08Speaker 01

  I don't know. I, I can't remember what happened. I think her name was Gemma.

• 27:13Speaker 00

  I would never have, I would, I would never, I would have asked that and I would never have forgot, never have forgotten what happened.

• 27:18Speaker 01

  No, I have no idea what happened to her, but I just remember when you were talking about the knuckle thing, I remember that her hand. And I, all I can see is me looking at it in her face, kind of like, uh.

• 27:29Speaker 00

  Stop looking. And you just did, you were the kid. Yeah.

• 27:33Speaker 01

  But then we've talked about him years ago, who ran in the warning, put his arms, he had to come in.

• 27:39Speaker 00

  I love him. Rugby goal. Love him. Yeah. Love him.

• 27:43Speaker 01

  Uh, so yeah, but yeah, bless you.

• 27:45Speaker 00

  Sorry, I, I genuinely, I never do a trick I wanna or whatever, or an apology for stuff like that, but if that goes right through you as well, and me talking about it was ruined your day. I apologize because I've ruined my own day and I'm dead tired. I could pass out.

• 27:55Speaker 01

  Oh darling.

• 27:56Speaker 00

  I could pass out.

• 28:00Speaker 00

  Stay tuned, I might pass out. Look at the fucking state of us on that YouTube, on that camera.

• 28:06Speaker 01

  I could have put some makeup on you, you know.

• 28:07Speaker 00

  You should have put some makeup. How dare you let me come in a public, on a public forum like this?

• 28:12Speaker 01

  You look lovely to me. I've got your back, man.

• 28:14Speaker 00

  To me.

• 28:14Speaker 01

  And you, whoever you were, keeping my lad up last night, I'm absolutely fuming.

• 28:20Speaker 00

  You tell them.

• 28:20Speaker 01

  I'm fuming with you. Better not cross my door, sunshine.

• 28:25Speaker 00

  He'll probably not be up yet.

• 28:26Speaker 01

  I'll fucking knock you out.

• 28:26Speaker 00

  He'll probably not be up yet, he's slept.

• 28:28Speaker 01

  Babadu babadu babadu ba.

• 28:30Speaker 00

  It's time for what's your beef?

• 28:32Speaker 01

  What's your beef? What's your beef? I'm gonna go canny, cause you're tired.

• 28:36Speaker 00

  Oh no, come on, that's fine. It's fine, you might jolt us out of it.

• 28:39Speaker 01

  It's a canny one anyway.

• 28:39Speaker 00

  Is it a nice one?

• 28:40Speaker 01

  It's canny. Okay, so my beef with you is, it's...

• 28:44Speaker 00

  Too good looking? Too understanding? Too much of a good listener? Too funny?

• 28:49Speaker 01

  No, none of them.

• 28:50Speaker 00

  Too, in too much good shape? Too athletic?

• 28:55Speaker 01

  Stop it darling, cause it's just awful.

• 28:57Speaker 00

  Everyone knows I'm kidding.

• 28:58Speaker 01

  You are just like...

• 29:02Speaker 01

  I don't even know how to describe it. You just can't get out your own way and you're irritating for being kind. Anyway, listen.

• 29:10Speaker 01

  I, I, I ground a coffee. So this is a big thing. I like a different coffee cup, right? From me morning coffee cup to me second morning coffee cup. It's been the same for a long, long time.

• 29:22Speaker 00

  No, the green one was in circulation for a while and you've changed it to the white one.

• 29:25Speaker 01

  Yeah. So once it changes, I don't go back. It's changed. Alright, so get with the programme. But, do you know what I mean? This, okay, so this is the bigger picture. You get so irritated, right, that I have different cups and you wind yourself up and you're literally like, oh for fuck's...

• 29:43Speaker 01

  I don't ask you to make that second coffee.

• 29:45Speaker 00

  Right. So this is...

• 29:47Speaker 01

  You get annoyed at me about changing me cup, about a cup of coffee that I haven't asked you to make.

• 29:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:52Speaker 01

  So I ground a coffee, I ground a coffee today, cause I was gonna make myself a coffee. And then Chris was at the machine and he went, "I'll do it." And I went, "Oh, thank you so much, that's really kind." And then he picked out me morning coffee cup and I went, "It's not that cup." And he went, "Oh, ha, ha, fuck."

• 30:12Speaker 01

  It's really sad getting told off for something that you didn't actually ask for in the first place.

• 30:17Speaker 00

  I might not have done that if I wasn't as tired.

• 30:18Speaker 01

  Okay, no, you do it quite often.

• 30:20Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 30:21Speaker 01

  Every time you have to get a different coffee cup, you're literally like, oh.

• 30:23Speaker 00

  It's just the rule, the weird rules. But I get it because I don't like a certain, I had to buy some new coffee cups the other day because I broke them.

• 30:31Speaker 01

  I hate them coffee cups.

• 30:32Speaker 00

  But they're the ones I drink all day.

• 30:34Speaker 01

  But I just don't like the colour of them and I thought we broke two of them, so I was like, these are going. These are going, then you've restocked.

• 30:41Speaker 00

  Wow, so you've been breaking them on purpose. I had a grey one and two green ones.

• 30:46Speaker 01

  There you go, grey, grey.

• 30:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I've bought a new one, your favourite colour now.

• 30:50Speaker 01

  The most disgusting colour in the land.

• 30:51Speaker 00

  I've bought your new favourite colour, mustard, got two mustard ones, they're nice. I'll get you burgundy, I'll get you burgundy ones, how about that, you love burgundy.

• 30:59Speaker 01

  I just like pastel, pastel.

• 31:02Speaker 00

  Listen, my beef with you is coffee related. On the same lines as things that upset us and go right through us. You have your coffee in the morning in a speckled cup, I know that one, speckled cup.

• 31:15Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 31:16Speaker 00

  And you sit with your little mangy little under eye patches on, your little gel under eye things.

• 31:22Speaker 01

  Hashtag self-care.

• 31:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, and then I go to get your coffee cup to put it in the dishwasher. So many times I don't realise you've took your mangy little eye things off and you've dropped them in the dregs of coffee that are left in the cup. And I put it into the dishwasher and it falls.

• 31:37Speaker 01

  Oh no, well that's upsetting, empty it first.

• 31:39Speaker 00

  I don't realise it's there sometimes is what I'm seeing.

• 31:41Speaker 01

  I do, every time, every time it's gonna be there.

• 31:43Speaker 00

  I know you do, yeah, so then I have to open the dishwasher and fish it out, like it's fucking, it's like I'm getting bits of skin out.

• 31:48Speaker 01

  Well.

• 31:48Speaker 00

  It's awful.

• 31:49Speaker 01

  Just pour the actual remnants down the sink.

• 31:52Speaker 00

  Still though, just seeing it in there, it's like, it just, it looks like you've gone, and just done a big horrible grammar into the cup. It's mingin'. And I can't pour the remnants down the sink because there's coffee in it, I can't pour, sorry, because the little squidgy pads are in it. And I can't pour it straight in the bin because there's coffee in it.

• 32:04Speaker 01

  So do you want us to stop putting them in the cup?

• 32:06Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 32:06Speaker 01

  Or can I keep putting them in the cup and just know that they're in, put them straight in the bin?

• 32:12Speaker 00

  That second one will never happen. Well, okay, okay, I'll choose. Okay, I'll choose. He has me choices and this is why none of these choices are real. The first one, you'll say, should I stop putting them in the cup? You'll stop putting them in the cup, but you'll just put them on the bench next to the cup and I'll still have to deal with them.

• 32:27Speaker 01

  Nobody is asking you to deal with any of this.

• 32:30Speaker 00

  If I didn't deal with them, there'd be a pile of them.

• 32:33Speaker 01

  No, they fucking wouldn't. This is what I, this is what I hate about being married. Stop putting time constraints on me life. Like, like, just let us do that and I will move that coffee cup. It's just not at the time that you want it moved.

• 32:49Speaker 00

  Okay. Okay.

• 32:51Speaker 01

  We've left today, you've left a glass on my dressing room floor.

• 32:55Speaker 00

  Uh huh.

• 32:56Speaker 01

  But do you feel bad about it?

• 32:57Speaker 00

  Honestly.

• 32:58Speaker 01

  Am I gonna make you feel terrible about it or will I just take that glass downstairs and never mention it again?

• 33:03Speaker 00

  One, you mentioned it twice now and two, I haven't stopped thinking about it.

• 33:09Speaker 01

  Nobody is asking you to do any of this. It's not like I'm literally like, wash out that coffee cup and get rid of me eye patches. Like, no, just let us live me life. It's like, it is like living with your parents again. Being, there you go, being married is like living with your parents.

• 33:26Speaker 00

  If I let you live your life and I didn't move them coffee cups, it would be like the end of signs where there's cups all over the place and then I realise that the reason you've left them is because the aliens are allergic to coffee and eye patches and I have to smash all the cups to get rid of the alien.

• 33:40Speaker 01

  Absolute bullshit. It's absolute bullshit.

• 33:42Speaker 00

  It's true. You all know it's true. You all know it's true.

• 33:44Speaker 01

  It's not true. It's not true.

• 33:46Speaker 00

  Pigsty.

• 33:47Speaker 01

  Bullshit. It's bull, bullshit. Hate it. Fucking hate it.

• 33:53Speaker 00

  Hate being married.

• 33:54Speaker 01

  Ah, I don't know. I just hate part of it. I just hate.

• 33:58Speaker 00

  12 years, next month.

• 34:03Speaker 00

  12 years of hate, it's coming.

• 34:08Speaker 00

  It's time for questions from the public. Why the gun effect?

• 34:13Speaker 01

  I don't know, I'm sorry. Are we allowed to do guns anymore? Are we allowed to say anything like?

• 34:18Speaker 00

  It was a Nerf gun. There we go.

• 34:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, there you go.

• 34:21Speaker 00

  Eh, sorted. Right, come on.

• 34:23Speaker 01

  Um, this first question.

• 34:24Speaker 00

  Oh no, hold on.

• 34:25Speaker 01

  What?

• 34:26Speaker 00

  Public, public announcement.

• 34:27Speaker 01

  What?

• 34:28Speaker 00

  As always, if you want to get in touch, it's [email protected]. And if you want to send a voice note, it is 07874 406650. All that information is on the Apple Podcast apps and possibly the Spotify one as well. I haven't checked it for a while.

• 34:43Speaker 01

  Lovely, thank you. This question, I have got voice notes, I'm gonna do them in a minute.

• 34:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:48Speaker 01

  This question, um, is gonna upset you.

• 34:51Speaker 00

  A question or a story?

• 34:52Speaker 01

  A story, sorry. It's gonna upset you, but that's fine.

• 34:54Speaker 00

  Great. I'm, I'm, I could weep. I'll weep. Do you want us to weep?

• 34:57Speaker 01

  I do, we'll see, we'll see.

• 34:59Speaker 00

  I'm on the precipice of weeping and faint. Will I weep or faint? Weep or faint?

• 35:02Speaker 01

  Maybe both.

• 35:03Speaker 00

  Welcome to Weep or Faint with Chris Ramsey. Da da, da da. Will he weep or faint? Da da. Why do we always do the blinded tune?

• 35:13Speaker 01

  I don't know, I miss blinded. Anyway. Hi Chris and Rosie. The, the highlight of my week is your podcast. That's so lovely, thank you. And all the disgusting stories that come with it, us two. Which in turn makes me feel a whole lot better and normal with this story.

• 35:28Speaker 00

  Can I just say, sorry?

• 35:28Speaker 01

  I'll stop you there, because this is not a normal story.

• 35:30Speaker 00

  Can I just say there as well, I shut my eyes and nodded there so much, it was, do you know how hard it was to open my eyes again?

• 35:36Speaker 01

  Are you okay, darling?

• 35:37Speaker 00

  I'm a mess.

• 35:38Speaker 01

  Oh babe.

• 35:38Speaker 00

  I'm a mess. Right, so they think this makes them feel normal, but it doesn't?

• 35:42Speaker 01

  You be the judge of it, okay? I've already judged. I don't mind about being anonymous, as this story is well shared.

• 35:48Speaker 00

  Just keep them anonymous.

• 35:50Speaker 01

  I've been with my partner for just under two years now. He's 45 and I'm 27. We both enjoyed the pub on a Saturday and not shy in having won too many pints.

• 36:01Speaker 00

  Fair.

• 36:03Speaker 01

  Over the last year, we have found two wet patches on the bedroom floor after nights out. Both of us blaming each other on who pissed on the floor.

• 36:17Speaker 00

  Wow, found the right person.

• 36:20Speaker 01

  Um, I know, soulmates.

• 36:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:23Speaker 01

  This debate made its way to family members. And is also a regular discussion around the pub table on the bi-weekly Saturday.

• 36:31Speaker 00

  Oh, right, okay. Who was it? Who's gonna piss the bed tonight? Piss the floor tonight, at least not in the bed. Oh god, as if I'm giving that as a positive.

• 36:41Speaker 01

  Uh, my partner obviously blames me.

• 36:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:43Speaker 01

  I blame him.

• 36:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:45Speaker 01

  Um, I'm a woman. Can women create such a perfect puddle of piss on the floor whilst drunk?

• 36:51Speaker 00

  So they, so they're each, right, so they, they're so blind drunk- That one of them is getting up and pissing onto the floor and they can't work out which one it is because neither of them can remember.

• 37:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:02Speaker 00

  Jesus Christ.

• 37:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:04Speaker 00

  They've got bigger problems, I'll be honest with you, than a wet floor. Fucking hell.

• 37:08Speaker 01

  Who, who is it? Is it carpeted? This is, I don't think it is, I think it's laminate. Um, his defence was weak and mine was that I am simply too lazy.

• 37:18Speaker 00

  Not as weak as his bladder, am I right kids?

• 37:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, you are. Uh, her defence is that I'm too lazy and I would just piss in the bed instead.

• 37:24Speaker 00

  What an incredible defence.

• 37:26Speaker 01

  So there you go.

• 37:26Speaker 00

  What an incredible defence.

• 37:29Speaker 01

  One morning, I woke up and had actually pissed the bed.

• 37:32Speaker 00

  Oh, fuck, the twits, the disgusting, these people, these are horrible people.

• 37:38Speaker 01

  And instead of feeling shame or guilt, I woke with pride. Aha, I told.

• 37:47Speaker 00

  Evidence, proof, proof that I would just stay in the bed and be all over myself. Wow.

• 37:54Speaker 01

  Um, I, I turned to my partner and boasted that I had wet the bed and the patches of piss on the floor was definitely him.

• 38:01Speaker 00

  Boasted? He's been.

• 38:04Speaker 01

  Hey, everyone, everyone lives a different life.

• 38:07Speaker 00

  That's funny.

• 38:07Speaker 01

  We can't shame.

• 38:08Speaker 00

  No, no, no.

• 38:09Speaker 01

  King shame.

• 38:09Speaker 00

  It's really funny.

• 38:11Speaker 01

  This also made it to the pub table that Saturday.

• 38:13Speaker 00

  Jesus.

• 38:14Speaker 01

  Decision made. It was definitely him who pissed on the floor. Uh, recently, we went out on the usual Saturday, pub quiz, et cetera. I awoke in the morning to yet another puddle.

• 38:25Speaker 00

  Pub whiz.

• 38:25Speaker 01

  Pub whiz. I awoke in the morning to another puddle of piss on the floor. By my side of the bed. I rolled over and see my partner grinning ear to ear, full of excitement and glee.

• 38:41Speaker 01

  I might, I think these two, before they go to bed pissed are like, have another bottle of water.

• 38:46Speaker 00

  Have another.

• 38:47Speaker 01

  Finish that glass of water, babe.

• 38:49Speaker 00

  Yeah. If you've got a water dispenser at the bottom of your bed.

• 38:54Speaker 01

  It's insane.

• 38:57Speaker 01

  He explained that he was not as drunk as I was and that I had woke in the night, stood by the bed, bent with elbows resting on the mattress, having a wee half stood. When asking what I was doing, my response was, I am waiting. Waiting for what? Who knows? But the joy it brought him that I was in fact the one who had been pissing on the floor.

• 39:17Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 39:18Speaker 01

  They've got to the bottom of it.

• 39:20Speaker 00

  See, that's the thing. I think her, her, her thing of weeing in the bed, I, I don't think that's evidence that you didn't do it. I think that's evidence that she does it every single time.

• 39:27Speaker 01

  It's evidence that she has the problem.

• 39:29Speaker 00

  Again, I've said this before, I've done, I'm not, I'm not being sexist here, but a, a, a lady, the position of a lady weeing is, is the position of, of, of a shit. You're already there.

• 39:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:41Speaker 00

  You're already at the station.

• 39:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:43Speaker 00

  She's playing with fire here.

• 39:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:45Speaker 00

  She's gonna shit on the floor. I'm telling you right now. Take my advice. You need to wear, you need to wear a nappy for bed. Oh, stop getting this piss. Why are you getting so drunk, like blind drunk every Saturday? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like a drink as much as the next guy, but I'm not pissing on the floor. What are you doing?

• 40:00Speaker 01

  I, I don't think I've ever pissed myself drunk, personally. I have vomited in my bed.

• 40:05Speaker 00

  Great. You had a little turn on the trampoline the other day, how did that go?

• 40:08Speaker 01

  Oh, every time I piss myself.

• 40:09Speaker 00

  Just had to run to the toilet, didn't you?

• 40:10Speaker 01

  Oh, I didn't, no, do you know what the, oh, I tell you what. That, so I was on my period and had period nickers on. So I just had to walk to the toilet whilst pissing myself. But it caught, it was caught in my period nickers, so well done me.

• 40:28Speaker 01

  Do you think they'd let me come back?

• 40:30Speaker 00

  You'd fit right in. You'd sleep at the bottom of the bed like a dog. Do I have to clean this trampoline? Do I have to give it a wipe?

• 40:36Speaker 01

  No, it's caught in my period nickers.

• 40:40Speaker 01

  And people get really upset because you shouldn't glamorise like pelvic floor stuff, but I do try to do my pelvic floor exercises, I'm just not very good at it.

• 40:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:50Speaker 01

  And I just had two massive kids and they've just fucked me, they've fucked us.

• 40:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:55Speaker 01

  Listen.

• 40:58Speaker 01

  Obviously, this made it to the lads group chat immediately.

• 41:02Speaker 00

  Brilliant.

• 41:03Speaker 01

  And he told the pub, including staff, that the mystery pisser was me, including showing them the position I was in whilst doing so.

• 41:09Speaker 00

  Oh for God's sake, I thought we shared a lot. Christ, these are worse than us.

• 41:13Speaker 01

  I know. I must say, I am less than embarrassed, probably more impressed that I managed to gaslight him and his friend for nearly two, and his friend, sorry, for nearly two years, that it was him with the problem and not me. I hope this makes, and this is, this is nice because this is for everyone, I hope this makes some bed wetters and floor pissers feel a bit better about themselves.

• 41:32Speaker 00

  Oh, do you know what? Fair enough.

• 41:35Speaker 01

  Fair play.

• 41:36Speaker 00

  Everyone's got their thing, like, you know, it's fine. Yes, I hope that does make them feel better. Yeah, you're not alone.

• 41:42Speaker 01

  And you and I alone.

• 41:44Speaker 00

  Yeah. Have you ever thought of puppy pads?

• 41:46Speaker 01

  Puppy pads, yeah. Or period pads, tenors, there's loads of stuff. Or just don't get that pissed.

• 41:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, just have, yeah. Ah, don't tell them how to live their lives. That's all good. At least they're not blaring their music and staying up with God knows when. They're just going to sleep and weeing on the floor.

• 42:03Speaker 01

  And do you know what?

• 42:03Speaker 00

  Not hurting anyone.

• 42:04Speaker 01

  It's brought them closer.

• 42:06Speaker 00

  Mm hmm. Yeah.

• 42:07Speaker 01

  To them. And they've got a funny story for the pub.

• 42:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:09Speaker 01

  I mean, they'll probably walk out and everyone goes, them two are fucking lifting.

• 42:13Speaker 00

  Clean the seats, clean, get the, get the fabreeze in here for that. Oh, they're what, on the fabric bench this time.

• 42:20Speaker 01

  Can we stop inviting them because they're just, so, but yeah, but they're.

• 42:25Speaker 00

  I guarantee, guys, you two who've, you who've written and listening and your partner, I guarantee in one of your friends' phone, you are saved as the pisser. I guarantee it.

• 42:35Speaker 01

  Good for them. Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba.

• 42:38Speaker 02

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• 43:08Speaker 03

  Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short and the tall. Peacemakers, risk takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 43:39Speaker 05

  Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lululemon fall drop because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it. Lululemon's fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces, so I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece and head out, knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at lululemon.com.

• 44:10Speaker 01

  Hi, Chris and Rosie. Listening to you talk on the podcast recently about how people these days are obsessed with drinking water and how with kids you don't remember drinking much at all. It sparked a memory in me. I'm 50, so my school days were in the 80s and I can still see and smell the square pink plastic lunchbox I ate from through all eight years of primary school.

• 44:33Speaker 00

  Good God.

• 44:33Speaker 01

  Wow. I don't think you meant to keep plastic that long.

• 44:37Speaker 00

  Got your money's worth out of that.

• 44:39Speaker 01

  My drink wasn't water. It was Robinson's barley water, but my mum sent me to school with a drink in... dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. An HP brown sauce bottle.

• 44:51Speaker 00

  No! No fucking doubt.

• 44:56Speaker 01

  The square glass one.

• 45:01Speaker 00

  That, that. Oh my god.

• 45:06Speaker 01

  I know.

• 45:07Speaker 00

  So she cleaned out and I'm sorry, right, the first

• 45:12Speaker 00

  five times, you're still tasting HP out of that.

• 45:15Speaker 01

  But to be, to be fair, they're bloody good bottles.

• 45:18Speaker 00

  I mean, yeah.

• 45:19Speaker 01

  I mean, probably wouldn't send our kids to school with a glass bottle.

• 45:22Speaker 00

  No, not at all, but 80s one at a different time, but like recycling.

• 45:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:27Speaker 00

  But yeah, that, that'll be the chunky glass fella as well.

• 45:29Speaker 01

  That's so funny. I wonder if they'd still have the.

• 45:31Speaker 00

  Do you think the teachers ever looked over and thought, what the fuck is going on in that house? Social services would be around if you did that now. If our kids went to school, if we sent one of our kids to school with a water bottle, it was a fucking Heinz ketchup bottle or an HP glass bottle, it would be like, get the parents in now, something's happening in that house.

• 45:48Speaker 01

  Do you think?

• 45:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:50Speaker 01

  I suppose back then though.

• 45:52Speaker 00

  Back then I didn't give a shit.

• 45:53Speaker 01

  Nah.

• 45:53Speaker 00

  Wow. Great. I would never guess that. Brilliant.

• 45:57Speaker 01

  I remember, this is so ridiculous, right, but it was just when you were young. And in water bottles, do you remember bottles of water weren't really a thing when we were kids? It was like a pure, if somebody had a bottle of water, it was like.

• 46:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, posh.

• 46:10Speaker 01

  Oh, like posh, like where, where did you get that from type thing? But I remember when people started using like old Robinson's fruit, like, you know, like blackcurrant.

• 46:20Speaker 00

  Lads would come to football.

• 46:21Speaker 01

  And they would fill it up with juice again or like water. And I remember seeing it and being like, that's genius.

• 46:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. Lads would come to football and it would be a big like Robinson's juice bottle and they'd waited until there was just like half an inch at the bottom and filled it all the way up and yeah.

• 46:35Speaker 01

  Clever though. I genuinely remember being blown away and I was like, that is so clever.

• 46:40Speaker 00

  Look at all that juice. I remember thinking, where's the rest of the cordial? Either that's really strong or where's the rest of the cordial?

• 46:49Speaker 01

  But simpler times, wasn't it?

• 46:51Speaker 00

  It really was.

• 46:51Speaker 01

  Pathetic. Another memory I had is of playing in the woods for hours and hours. We were given famous, we were giving famous five exploring vibes. Going home was too far away, but there was a church near the woods. So we would go in there and drink the water from the holy water font at the door.

• 47:11Speaker 00

  Eee, that is terrible.

• 47:14Speaker 01

  I should now think what bacteria and de- detrius?

• 47:19Speaker 00

  Detritus.

• 47:20Speaker 01

  Detritus. Stupid. We were consuming.

• 47:23Speaker 00

  So I was more, I'm more concerned about the absolute crimes against God.

• 47:27Speaker 01

  Well, no, God would have wanted you not to be thirsty.

• 47:31Speaker 00

  Fair enough.

• 47:32Speaker 01

  Feeding them the five thousand. I don't think you'd mind if you have a bit of water or shit. Um, so it was stagnant water. I mean, it's monkey water.

• 47:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:41Speaker 01

  It was stagnant water and everyone going to mass on Sunday would have dipped their fingers in it on the way out of church. Monkey.

• 47:45Speaker 00

  God.

• 47:46Speaker 01

  Smelly, out farmers sausage fingers. Do you know that the holy water from when the church that I used to go into, um, it was just, it was like this lush kind of like thing, like, but it was just a bowl of, it was just like in a plastic thing.

• 48:01Speaker 00

  Sorry. So there was a big massive metal ornate ball, but within that there was a plastic dishwashing bowl with water in.

• 48:07Speaker 01

  Pretty much. Just like a little bowl. Yeah.

• 48:11Speaker 00

  That's so like, ah, just, it cheapens the whole thing. So from a distance, you're telling me it's like a Game of Thrones goblet.

• 48:22Speaker 01

  Beautiful. Yeah. Yeah.

• 48:23Speaker 00

  So it's again, it's like having a lovely sink, but you've got that plastic thing in the inside.

• 48:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:28Speaker 00

  Oh, God. Oh, half holy water, almost holy water, whole water.

• 48:38Speaker 01

  Babadu babadu babadu ba.

• 48:41Speaker 06

  I've got a quick reverse it for you. Sorry if you can hear my dog crunching his food. Um.

• 48:46Speaker 00

  I can.

• 48:47Speaker 06

  Bit rogue, do you know if everyone will get it, but I just love it when they've got roof bars on the car.

• 48:55Speaker 06

  I'm just like, you do what? That man has his shit together. Where are we going? Grab the top box.

• 49:03Speaker 00

  Absolutely love it.

• 49:05Speaker 01

  All right. Okay.

• 49:06Speaker 00

  Absolutely love it.

• 49:07Speaker 01

  Screams to me, family.

• 49:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:10Speaker 01

  Like if you're single and you're eyeing up a guy with roof bars, you're gonna break up a family.

• 49:15Speaker 00

  Right, okay.

• 49:16Speaker 01

  That man, that man's married with kids.

• 49:19Speaker 00

  Right, okay. You think that?

• 49:20Speaker 01

  Uh, maybe I might be completely wrong, but it just screams, it screams family to me.

• 49:25Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, maybe, yeah, maybe that's what she's after. I'm not sure.

• 49:28Speaker 01

  Who knows? But it's pretty cool because you, you know, straight away like, oh, they're active.

• 49:33Speaker 00

  He's got his shit together. Get the roof box where we're going. Fantastic. Fantastic.

• 49:40Speaker 00

  God be still my beaten heart, he's got a set of ladders on it, oh! I've got Kim!

• 49:45Speaker 01

  Imagine a roof, roof bars and a bike rack.

• 49:48Speaker 00

  Bike rack on the back, roof bars on the top. Goodness, great. A trailer?

• 49:54Speaker 01

  Have you thought any more about the caravan idea?

• 49:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, not happening. Not happening.

• 50:00Speaker 06

  Oh my god, Chris, I have had to pull over, I'm driving home from work, but I've had to pull over to send this voice note because I'm just catching up on the last couple of episodes of the podcast and I could not agree more about the weather apps.

• 50:11Speaker 00

  Yes!

• 50:12Speaker 06

  Honestly, I've got the best idea for this, right? What I don't understand is why they can't put a circle where the weather icon currently is and divide that circle into four and each quarter of the circle represents a different time of day. So obviously if it's got four sunshines on it, you know it's going to be sunny all day. But if it was like sun and then cloud and then rain cloud and then sun, you would know that sort of like three quarters of the way through the day, there might be a bit of rain. So at a glance, you're not going to like cry if it's got a massive thunderstorm icon. But the thunderstorm literally has nothing to do with anything you're doing in that location at that time. I don't know who we need to get this out to, but can we please get this to someone who is in charge of these things?

• 50:54Speaker 00

  Couldn't agree more.

• 50:54Speaker 06

  So that we can all just rest a bit easier when checking the weather. Are you with me?

• 50:58Speaker 00

  I am so with you.

• 51:00Speaker 01

  We're with you.

• 51:00Speaker 00

  Now, listen, because I'm so up on political affairs here, Keir Starmer is looking like he's on his way out. Andy Burnham is going to make an attempt to be the leader of the Labour Party. Get this lady in, in front of them two fellas, because she is going places.

• 51:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:18Speaker 00

  That is the greatest thing I've ever heard. Separate that one icon into four different icons.

• 51:22Speaker 01

  Do you know you could get in-

• 51:22Speaker 00

  Even three icons, sorry, didn't interrupt there. Even two, morning, afternoon, just so you know.

• 51:26Speaker 01

  Why don't you make a new app? A new weather app? Get in touch with her, because you're going to have to give her some money, because it is her idea.

• 51:33Speaker 00

  Absolutely not. No chance.

• 51:34Speaker 01

  And then-

• 51:34Speaker 00

  I'm already out.

• 51:35Speaker 01

  Do a new app. Do a weather app.

• 51:38Speaker 00

  She gave this idea on a public forum. It's not her idea, it's in the ether now, it's everyone's. Someone do it, I can't be arsed, someone do it.

• 51:43Speaker 01

  No, you can't be arsed. You haven't got a business mind, have you?

• 51:46Speaker 00

  No, it can't be bothered. I just do this when I've had enough sleep. I had a great idea. Like I say, even two, or even three, morning, afternoon, evening, you know, fantastic. Oh!

• 51:59Speaker 01

  Well done, well done.

• 52:01Speaker 00

  Round of applause, that lady.

• 52:01Speaker 01

  What do you think she's called? Julia, I think. Julie.

• 52:05Speaker 00

  Julie.

• 52:07Speaker 01

  Hi Rosie and Chris. Long time listener, first time emailer. I found a new ick last night with my partner of 13 years.

• 52:14Speaker 00

  13 years.

• 52:15Speaker 01

  Similar to us, right?

• 52:16Speaker 00

  Come on then.

• 52:17Speaker 01

  He gets up at 3am for work and tries his best to be quiet and not wake me up. However, sometimes he fails. Early hours of this morning, I woke up to him standing in front of his chest of drawers, trying to work out which way round his kegs go by the light of his phone torch.

• 52:37Speaker 01

  He took, in my opinion, far too long to satisfy himself as to whether they were the right way and put the bugger's on. Gave me the proper ick at 3am in the morning while he thought I was in fact still asleep.

• 52:47Speaker 00

  Fucking brilliant. Oh, poor guy.

• 52:49Speaker 01

  No, but no, we've talked about this before. Put your clothes somewhere else.

• 52:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:55Speaker 01

  Get up, get out.

• 52:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, if he knows he's doing it every day, stick them on, stick them on a chair downstairs or stick them, pile them up in the hallway.

• 53:02Speaker 01

  I'd be so upset if you were getting ready in the room.

• 53:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 53:05Speaker 01

  And I was still asleep.

• 53:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, I get it, I get it.

• 53:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, it's not, it's not happening like.

• 53:09Speaker 00

  I just imagine, I imagine I just tossing and turning and just looking over and just looks and he's just trying to find the label and he's got his phone, maybe phone might be in his mouth.

• 53:16Speaker 01

  Probably.

• 53:17Speaker 00

  And he's struggling, his kegs on, he's just gone, oh.

• 53:22Speaker 01

  Disgusting.

• 53:24Speaker 00

  I just, I will never get sick of icks.

• 53:27Speaker 01

  I know, I know.

• 53:28Speaker 00

  Ever get sick of them. They're just such a window into the sort of, the, what's the word? Like the sort of fallibility and how like delicate fancying someone is and how easily it can be fucking shattered. Oh, it's just, I love it. I love them. It's made me so happy that. And I can see him, I can see him just like, you know, I have to do it. When I put me kegs on, I have to, and I've never done it by a torchlight, but.

• 53:56Speaker 01

  Awful, awful.

• 53:58Speaker 00

  Poor bugger, he's only trying to get out and go to work, man.

• 54:04Speaker 01

  As always, thank you so much for listening and watching this week's episode of Shagmound and all. We'd bloody love having you. And that's, yes.

• 54:14Speaker 00

  How sincere.

• 54:15Speaker 01

  You know, because I always know you do a bit after. I was just going to finish it all off myself.

• 54:19Speaker 00

  Go on, look, I'm, I'm not even speaking.

• 54:21Speaker 01

  Okay. Come and catch us next week. Same time, same place. We'll see you then. Thank you.

• 54:25Speaker 00

  Bye.

• 54:26Speaker 01

  You get yourself a nap.

• 54:27Speaker 00

  I will, bye.

• 54:27Speaker 01

  All right, bye.

• 54:39Speaker 03

  Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short, and the tall. Peacemakers, risk-takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long-distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Take out some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 55:09Speaker 04

  When fall comes back around, there's a sense of a reset. And new pieces from Lululemon's Fall Drop are an inspiration to push your goals and elevate your routines. As your calendar fills, easy-to-layer styles meet the demands of your day. And as you challenge yourself to try even more, versatile sets transition with you. The Lululemon Fall Lineup brings new levels of comfort and confidence. Whether you're starting something fresh or starting something over. Check out the latest arrivals in-store and on lululemon.com now.

• 55:39Speaker 03

  Ugh, I hate Mondays.

• 55:41Speaker 00

  King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Swirl Bite?

• 55:42Speaker 03

  Uh, Taylor Hansen? Sure, I'll try one. Mmm.

• 55:48Speaker 07

  Hey, let's get back to work, please.

• 55:49Speaker 03

  But Taylor Hansen's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites.

• 55:54Speaker 07

  Taylor Hansen? Nice.

• 55:56Speaker 00

  Try one.

• 55:57Speaker 07

  Mmm.

• 56:01Speaker 03

  King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites. There's nothing like it.