90's Parenting, a Golf Trip, and the start of Rosie's Caravan Campaign

On this week's podcast Chris and Rosie discuss Chris's Golf Trip, 90's parenting, the importance of boredom and why Rosie loves slagging of Chris to the kids... There's Beefs, QFTP's, shopping substitutions and a camping toilet story! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [email protected] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Coming up on this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed.

• 0:03Speaker 01

  Chris has finally found a way to watch horror films.

• 0:06Speaker 00

  I'm so excited. I give you updates on my lads golf break.

• 0:10Speaker 01

  Yes, very nice. I get a little bit toxic.

• 0:12Speaker 00

  Rosie gets toxic. Tune in for that.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  The taste of your lips.

• 0:16Speaker 00

  We've got beefs.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  And you lovely lot get in touch about supermarket substitutions and camping trips.

• 0:22Speaker 00

  I love camping.

• 0:23Speaker 01

  No, you don't.

• 0:24Speaker 00

  No, I don't.

• 0:27Speaker 02

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• 0:56Speaker 03

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• 1:26Speaker 01

  Hello, you lovely lot you are listening and watching. Shagged Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsay, and my husband, Christopher Ramsay.

• 1:33Speaker 00

  Hello, hello, hello.

• 1:35Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 1:36Speaker 00

  Right, let's, quick as we can, get this over with. I've got me clubs mastin downstairs. Need to get down, give them a scrub, get them all sorted.

• 1:43Speaker 01

  What, so basically mastin?

• 1:45Speaker 00

  Mastin.

• 1:46Speaker 01

  Sounds sexual. It does. I don't care what you say.

• 1:49Speaker 00

  So I'd never heard it until my mate Jordan said that his mum says, "When you put the teabag in the water, don't put the milk in straight away. Don't take the teabag out too early. Let it mast."

• 1:59Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:59Speaker 00

  Let it mast. And he said it at, what, a soft play?

• 2:02Speaker 01

  I mean, soak's better. Seep.

• 2:04Speaker 00

  Soak, seep, yeah, stew. But mast is a very odd word, but now whenever we clean my golf clubs, I say, I'm just mastin, mastin me.

• 2:12Speaker 01

  So you put them in soapy water? Are they muddy?

• 2:14Speaker 00

  They're a little bit muddy off me golf trip. It was great, thank you.

• 2:17Speaker 01

  We haven't done the podcast since your golf trip.

• 2:18Speaker 00

  Thank you for asking. It was fantastic golf trip. More about that later. It was very, very good. Yeah, all good. What you been up to while I've been golfing?

• 2:26Speaker 01

  Ah, just had the kids.

• 2:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:27Speaker 01

  Just had the kids.

• 2:28Speaker 00

  Good fun?

• 2:29Speaker 01

  No. No, I know, obviously, they're lush and it's getting a lot better, but for some reason, and I don't know why I do this to myself, I go nineties.

• 2:39Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 2:40Speaker 01

  And it's like I'm torturing myself, but at the same time, I'm really clamping down on like technology and I-

• 2:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, explain to people what you mean. It doesn't mean that you're sort of, you're wearing shell suit and you're blasting.

• 2:49Speaker 01

  I've started hitting them with slippers. Um, I've started just swearing and smoking around them.

• 2:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:54Speaker 01

  Blowing it in the face, do you know what I mean?

• 2:56Speaker 00

  Oasis, Travis Blur, yeah, Britpop.

• 2:59Speaker 01

  We're all right from our childhood. Why are we so pathetic as parents now?

• 3:02Speaker 00

  Ah, I don't know.

• 3:03Speaker 01

  Like, what the fuck? Sometimes I just wanna give them a smack. I do. I just wanna-

• 3:08Speaker 00

  You still haven't explained what you meant. You're joking. You still haven't explained what you meant. You mean, you go, you don't let them go on iPads, you don't let them go on games.

• 3:16Speaker 01

  Boredom. I just let them be bored.

• 3:18Speaker 00

  You want them to be bored.

• 3:18Speaker 01

  But it's horrible because they don't leave us alone and they just constantly say that they're bored. And I'm like, but boredom's very good for you. And it is-

• 3:24Speaker 00

  I think it's important to be bored. I think it's really, really important to be bored sometimes as a child, definitely.

• 3:29Speaker 01

  Because then, and I've noticed, the minute that they're bored is when they start doing other stuff, like drawing and getting stuff out that they haven't played with for ages. Rafe got his Play-Doh out the other day and he played with it for like a solid forty minutes. And I just sat and I, do you know, I was doing the washing and I didn't actually leave the utility room for ten or fifteen minutes. I just sat on the floor and listened to a podcast because, I know, it's so sad.

• 3:52Speaker 00

  It's Rosie's mental breakdown.

• 3:54Speaker 01

  No, because the minute I go in to the room where he is, he wants something. So I just thought, I'm just blanking here.

• 4:00Speaker 00

  Oh, there's a waiter over there. Excuse me, can we get some, can we get some juice and some snacks, please?

• 4:05Speaker 01

  The ice has melted in my juice, bitch.

• 4:08Speaker 00

  Can you?

• 4:09Speaker 01

  So, yeah, so, no, but it's good. It's, I think it's good for them. And I'm just having a whole breakdown about just technology.

• 4:17Speaker 00

  Being a parent with technology.

• 4:18Speaker 01

  I just, it's such, I fucking hate it.

• 4:21Speaker 00

  It's dead hard.

• 4:22Speaker 01

  And I just don't, I'll-

• 4:25Speaker 00

  I think there's a lot of people listening will be going through the same thing.

• 4:27Speaker 01

  I'm the strict mum and I hate it. I hate that I'm the strict mum. And Robin is really upset with this at the minute because I'm the strict mum and I'm really upset about it.

• 4:35Speaker 00

  I think it comes from the right place. They literally have just said that they're gonna, the government have said that they're possibly gonna ban social media for under 16s. They're not doing that on a fucking whim, like they're doing it because children shouldn't have smartphones on social media. It's far too much.

• 4:48Speaker 01

  And I feel, I said this this morning to you, didn't I? I said, I feel really sorry for the children who've been exposed to it and their parents, because I genuinely don't think it's their fault.

• 4:56Speaker 00

  Like, when it, like, yeah, so the kids who are like 16 and that now, who, when it all came out and it was like, oh, he has an iPad, he has YouTube, just fucking smash that from four years old. Why not? No boundaries on it whatsoever. Yeah, yeah, because they're like fully in it now.

• 5:08Speaker 01

  Because I just feel like, come with, everybody works really hard. Everyone's really busy, right? And like, there's a government in place and there's all these people in place getting paid money to run the country and to keep work in check. But when nobody is, it's just not fair.

• 5:23Speaker 00

  Like, so you mean like they should have been like, maybe, well, Steve, didn't Steve Jobs say, Steve Jobs said he would, iPad, not for kids. He was like, I would never give me kids this.

• 5:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, but they're making so much money off our kids and it really fucks us off.

• 5:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:36Speaker 01

  Because they don't give a shit. Like, I didn't tell you about the really sad video I seen.

• 5:40Speaker 00

  Ah, yes, so, so.

• 5:41Speaker 01

  Okay, well, let's just carry on then.

• 5:43Speaker 00

  No, no, come on. Do you want to tell, right, so guys, everyone, right, we've been making, I've been making a joke for a few weeks about Rosie's trying to kill comedy.

• 5:48Speaker 01

  I'm not.

• 5:49Speaker 00

  But literally this morning, like, you did your best to make me not be in the mood for this podcast. You hit me from all fucking angles. I swear down.

• 5:56Speaker 01

  Well, okay then, let's just carry on because we're trying to, no, we're here to cheer people up. I don't want to bring everyone down.

• 6:01Speaker 00

  Cheer people up, we're here to take people's minds off it, right? Listen, I have had a breakthrough, right? First of all, thank you for listening. Thank you for being here.

• 6:07Speaker 01

  Can I tell you really quickly about my sad video?

• 6:08Speaker 00

  Oh, very quickly.

• 6:11Speaker 01

  A lady who works in Silicon Valley was talking to other people who work in Silicon Valley about AI and about.

• 6:18Speaker 00

  Is that where they do all the boob jobs?

• 6:21Speaker 01

  It's not, you know exactly what Silicon Valley is.

• 6:23Speaker 00

  Just a bit, just a bit like just peppering, peppering a couple of dad jokes in here. Just to try and, just to keep it light. So everyone remember that, that's your little, that's your little, you know, when you're on a marathon and you've got the little table to hand the water out. Arm that on the journey of sadness that you're trying to take everyone on. Arm the little tables of happiness halfway. So that was it. That was, that was your one mile mark.

• 6:40Speaker 01

  And you are what keeps us in the comedy charts rather than the serious politics.

• 6:43Speaker 00

  Cry and, yeah, cry and sad. Yeah. Not, we'd never get into politics, but maybe cry, sad, sad cry, sad cry charts.

• 6:49Speaker 01

  Um, so she was saying that they were talking about AI, how amazing it is, but how bad it is for like, you know, the world and everything. But, and then she was like, so what can we do to like, stop that? And they were like, why would we? We're making millions.

• 7:06Speaker 00

  Yeah. And we've all got cracking tits.

• 7:09Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 7:09Speaker 00

  Cause we live in the valley where they do the tits. Should be called, should be called Silicon cleavage. They've missed a trick there.

• 7:18Speaker 00

  This doing anything for you?

• 7:19Speaker 01

  No, because I was trying to just make a point about how the world is going to shit because a small amount of people are making billions and billions of pounds. But it's all gonna go to shit.

• 7:29Speaker 00

  And I believe I've accidentally, I've accidentally made a really good point as well during that, which is, but look at them tits.

• 7:36Speaker 01

  Yeah. I'm gonna come, I'm gonna go over there for a minute. You're gonna do your next bit and I'm gonna leave all of my shit in the badness of the world and how upset, upset I am about everything at the minute. I'm gonna leave it all over there and I'm gonna come back and we're gonna talk about piss and shit and, and coming in on tits and, and we're gonna, honestly.

• 7:54Speaker 00

  Don't you, don't you threaten me with a good time.

• 7:57Speaker 01

  Let's get back to business. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. But technology just really upsets us.

• 8:02Speaker 00

  Sometimes what I like to do is I like to empty me face, right? So I hold like that and I empty all of the sadness. Like, um, you know, in the Green Mile, when he sucks the badness out and he goes, and he blows it out.

• 8:09Speaker 01

  John Coffin.

• 8:10Speaker 00

  So I go like, coffee. So.

• 8:12Speaker 01

  That's what I said. I did it with an accent. John Coffin.

• 8:15Speaker 00

  Not his accent, but an accent nonetheless. Um, so I blip, like that. And I sort of like, like, you know Cyclops off X-Men, I put all my badness, I Cyclops it into my hands like that.

• 8:25Speaker 01

  That's, I wouldn't thank you for that one.

• 8:26Speaker 00

  And then I, two seconds, and then I roll it up and then I throw it away. Right back to that. You wouldn't thank for Cyclops as well.

• 8:31Speaker 01

  Oh, I can't look at anyone.

• 8:32Speaker 00

  Well, he can when he's got his special glasses on.

• 8:34Speaker 01

  But imagine, imagine if you had a kid and you forgot to put your little glasses on and you just fucking killed your kid.

• 8:39Speaker 00

  I do believe you'd remember, but yes.

• 8:41Speaker 01

  You might not.

• 8:42Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm. But the kid might have the same thing. The baby might be born and they might go, oh my God, it's a boy. I wonder what colour his eyes are.

• 8:49Speaker 01

  Well, there you go, exactly. It's just one I would never thank you for. I just don't think it's a good one.

• 8:52Speaker 00

  Apparently Cyclops is in the next X-Men film, uh, next Avengers film. All the X-Men are gonna be in it.

• 8:57Speaker 01

  Oh, well, that's.

• 8:58Speaker 00

  You're not seeing the fucking cast list for the new Avengers Doomsday?

• 9:00Speaker 01

  No.

• 9:00Speaker 00

  It's unbelievable.

• 9:01Speaker 01

  Is it?

• 9:02Speaker 00

  Unbelievable.

• 9:03Speaker 01

  We've got a couple of cinema trips coming up. Toy Story 5's coming out.

• 9:06Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 9:06Speaker 01

  Which I'm excited about.

• 9:07Speaker 00

  That was quick, by the way.

• 9:09Speaker 01

  I just made, this is just how life works now. The older you get, the faster time goes.

• 9:13Speaker 00

  Like, I literally, only a couple of months ago, it was like, oh, the new, they're gonna be Toy Story, they're gonna, it's gonna be an iPad, you're gonna love it. It's an iPad against the toys, you're gonna be there, team toy.

• 9:20Speaker 01

  And I'm gonna be sitting looking at the kids going, yeah, what do you think of that? What do you think of that?

• 9:25Speaker 00

  Kids, you've made Woody cry. You've made Woody cry. He's going bald.

• 9:29Speaker 01

  I'm gonna do me thing. We're very, shall we calm down a bit?

• 9:32Speaker 00

  Nah, I refuse.

• 9:33Speaker 01

  Just to take a minute.

• 9:34Speaker 00

  It's you, man. I'm on my edge, because you're always trying to, don't, right, careful, you've got a wire, you've got a wire, you've got your dog lead on, right, just gone over there.

• 9:42Speaker 00

  Right? You look like you're having a shit. On the long camera, on the wide camera there, you look like you're sitting having a shit. But they were going, your back. Hello.

• 9:49Speaker 01

  What's your favourite kind of crisps?

• 9:51Speaker 00

  And we're back in the room. Listen, guys, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for watching. If you are, please subscribe on YouTube, that would be wonderful. And without further ado, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Again, this isn't the real sponsor, so don't skip it. Um, lucrative, lucrative sponsor, right? Lucrative sponsor.

• 10:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:09Speaker 00

  Uh, I've had a breakthrough.

• 10:10Speaker 01

  I thought you were gonna say breakdown, I was gonna say.

• 10:12Speaker 00

  Oh, of course, I've been having a breakdown for years. Uh, just mates with it now. It's just, just with us, just part of us. Um.

• 10:18Speaker 01

  You let the elephant in.

• 10:20Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm riding the elephant. Um, not in a sexual way. This week's sponsor is watching horror films on the train.

• 10:29Speaker 01

  Ah.

• 10:30Speaker 00

  I fucking cracked it. I've cracked it. You know, I've always, I've said it in me stand-up, I've always said it, I am, like, I'm obsessed with horror films, but I'm too scared to watch them. I'll watch the advert, or I'll listen to the premise of it, and I go, and it's the, it's the mystery that I like, it's the, oh, I wonder what that is, I wonder how they're sorted out, do you know what I mean? That's what I'm buzzing about, but I'm always too scared to watch them. I had a thought, we've just started watching that Widows Bay on Apple TV. We're only about four or five episodes in, fucking great. Weird as fuck, funny as fuck, bit scary, great. And I thought, you know what? I think I can handle horrors now. And I, I watched a horror film on the train yesterday. Was I scared? Yes. Did I cover me eyes a couple of times? Sort of, but I made it look like I was scratching me head.

• 11:11Speaker 01

  What did you watch?

• 11:12Speaker 00

  Weapons.

• 11:13Speaker 01

  Oh, okay, never heard of it.

• 11:14Speaker 00

  It's the one where all the kids run away in the middle of the night with their arms out like that, like a little airplane.

• 11:17Speaker 01

  Oh, God, no.

• 11:19Speaker 00

  So two seventeen, what happens is, and I'm not going to spoil it for everyone, but at two seventeen one night, all the children, bar one, from a kid that got from a, from a class, a school class, all run out their front doors and fuck off into the night and no one knows where they are. And it's, it, it's scary. There's loads of jumps. But I was, so I was doing this a lot. You'll have to watch this on the video. So I was doing this a lot on the, on the thing. Yeah. So I had me right arm across me eyes, because I was covering my eyes because I was scared watching it. But I didn't want anyone. Oh, yeah. But it's good because you're watching a horror film on the train. But I'm in public and there's people there and I'm safe. So you can't get into it too much. And every now and then the bloke comes and goes, do you want a cup of tea? And I'm like, no, I'm fine. Back into it.

• 11:56Speaker 01

  Would I like it?

• 11:57Speaker 00

  Weapons. Yes.

• 11:59Speaker 01

  Is it ghosty or is it murdery or is it?

• 12:02Speaker 00

  Uh, it's sci fi. No, none of the above. It's witchcrafty.

• 12:08Speaker 01

  Oh, ooh.

• 12:09Speaker 00

  It's great. I really enjoyed it. I really, really enjoyed it.

• 12:12Speaker 01

  I might watch that.

• 12:13Speaker 00

  But I've got, I've got them all lined up. All the ones I've been obsessed with and thought about. Babadook, I'm going to watch that on the train. It, you've just, you've never seen it. You've just said that, haven't you? You've never seen it. You've just said Babadook in a weird voice. Never seen it. Great. So just, you just like the word.

• 12:27Speaker 01

  No, we talked about it years ago. Isn't it a bit like seeing Candyman in the mirror?

• 12:31Speaker 00

  I don't know. I think I already know the twist in that one. But that, it, I've never watched any of the it's or Welcome to Derry. Too scared. Trains. Honestly. When I go down in a lot of weeks next week.

• 12:40Speaker 01

  Film, it's where you're going to watch it.

• 12:42Speaker 00

  What, Derry?

• 12:43Speaker 01

  No, you said trains. I was like, what's trains?

• 12:45Speaker 00

  Oh, no, I'm watching all of them on the trains. Yeah, very excited. So yeah, if you're all the same as me, do it. Watch on a train.

• 12:50Speaker 01

  I've been watching a few sexy things that you can't watch.

• 12:52Speaker 00

  Can't watch sexy things on the train. I remember.

• 12:53Speaker 01

  I've missed dialogue, you know?

• 12:55Speaker 00

  Oh, Game of Thrones. I remember when Game of Thrones first came out, first series, very sex heavy. I remember minimizing, this was the day, I just used to download them. I used to torrent them and put them on my screen because the screen, streaming wasn't as, no, you know, you couldn't tether to your phone back in the day when I was doing all that. This was all fields. Um, I remember I had to minimize the screen to sort, like to the size of a fucking postage stamp in the top corner of my screen. Because I was like, people are going to think I'm watching porn on the train.

• 13:18Speaker 01

  I know. I've just, I've been having to fast forward stuff. But I, but they do dialogue while they're doing it.

• 13:23Speaker 00

  Right.

• 13:23Speaker 01

  And I'm like, I'm missing, missing full chunks.

• 13:26Speaker 00

  Brightness. Turn your brightness down. And you can still hear the dialogue. Or just flick up so it's still playing. Flick up on your iPad. Flick, like they're flicking each other's.

• 13:34Speaker 01

  But then part of his thinks, I'm a grown up, I'm allowed to watch sex. So how about you all just deal with it and maybe I might just get me kicks by thinking, look at me screen.

• 13:42Speaker 00

  There's a photo that went viral years ago of an old man sitting on the train and he's facing.

• 13:48Speaker 01

  Watching porn.

• 13:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, so he's like, he's got his back to the, he's got his back to the window and he's watching an iPad. And he doesn't realise it's dark outside and someone took a photo of him and you can see his iPad and he's full on on Pornhub on his iPad on a train.

• 14:00Speaker 01

  I still haven't watched porn.

• 14:01Speaker 00

  Never.

• 14:02Speaker 01

  It's been about a year.

• 14:03Speaker 00

  Oh, since the wanted year. Details.

• 14:04Speaker 01

  Since the wanted me detail. And honestly.

• 14:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:07Speaker 01

  I think I'm be-, I think I'm better for it.

• 14:09Speaker 00

  So tell that to the 10 minute conversation we had before this podcast started about everything that's bad in the world. Tell you what, I'll sign you up. Get yourself a porn subscription. Fucking cheer your bracket up. Swear to God.

• 14:22Speaker 00

  I think I'm better for it. You just had to sit in the corner and take a photo. What do you think? You think you're better for it? Porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn.

• 14:31Speaker 01

  No, but, but, but I haven't been watching porn, but I've been watching sex on the train. So, you know, whatever.

• 14:36Speaker 00

  Sex on the train.

• 14:37Speaker 01

  Come on, move your body. Sex on the train.

• 14:41Speaker 00

  Very good.

• 14:41Speaker 01

  No, come on, let's sing. Oh, can't be arsed.

• 14:45Speaker 00

  You really are.

• 14:47Speaker 01

  Broke.

• 14:48Speaker 00

  Look at all that that just happened there, man. The fucking.

• 14:50Speaker 01

  I think I've got.

• 14:51Speaker 00

  The roller coaster of emotions.

• 14:53Speaker 01

  Like me head now, I feel like I could explode.

• 14:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:56Speaker 01

  With, I don't know if I'm happy or excited or if I'm sad or overwhelmed. I don't know. Just feel, it all feels a bit fuzzy.

• 15:01Speaker 00

  I think you're missing porn. That's what it is. You're missing porn.

• 15:04Speaker 01

  I'm not missing porn because I could never get away with it.

• 15:07Speaker 00

  No.

• 15:07Speaker 01

  I could, I'd just seen through them. I just saw through their eyes. I just can't find something sexy when they don't want to be there. And honestly, sometimes.

• 15:17Speaker 00

  I'm not seeing cock, I'm seeing clock. A lot of clock watching.

• 15:20Speaker 01

  Oh, it's never the men. It's not the men. The men are all very much enjoying it. It's just the women changing positions and whilst they're doing it going, right.

• 15:31Speaker 01

  Ah, ah, ah, ah. And then change it again.

• 15:37Speaker 00

  I've had enough.

• 15:38Speaker 01

  Ah, ah, ah, again.

• 15:42Speaker 00

  You've done the same one, you've done the same one.

• 15:44Speaker 01

  Well, because they've probably just done it twice, but I can't, I can't, I can't do it.

• 15:49Speaker 00

  She just wants to go and have a bath. She wants to go and have a bath.

• 15:51Speaker 01

  None of them wanna be there.

• 15:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:53Speaker 01

  And it's, I can't find, I don't find it sexy. Whereas in the movies, they're all very good at acting.

• 15:58Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 15:59Speaker 01

  And it makes it, you know, it's much better.

• 16:01Speaker 00

  Yeah. And they've all got their little pieces on so their bits aren't touching.

• 16:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, but sometimes in my head I like to think, I bet they're all.

• 16:07Speaker 00

  Yeah. They did it afterwards just to make, yeah, okay, fair enough. Strictly the same.

• 16:42Speaker 01

  Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag My Night.

• 16:46Speaker 00

  Hello, hello. Now, as promised, golf trip update. Golf trip. I had a lovely time. Thanks for asking. It was fantastic. Gonna make it an annual thing. Absolutely fantastic.

• 16:58Speaker 01

  Over my dead body, well, that's fine.

• 16:59Speaker 00

  Loved it, loved it, loved it, loved it. A lot less depressing being shit at golf when you're in a sunny place. Lot less depressing.

• 17:05Speaker 01

  I think anything's better in the sun.

• 17:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 17:09Speaker 01

  That's why I think this couldn't, no.

• 17:12Speaker 00

  Oh, here it is.

• 17:13Speaker 01

  No, I think there's just a lot of sadness and upset in this country.

• 17:15Speaker 00

  Especially in the north, because we don't get the weather.

• 17:17Speaker 01

  We don't get the bloody weather. No, we don't get, we'd never get nice weather.

• 17:20Speaker 00

  I take three vitamin D tablets a day. I was down to one.

• 17:22Speaker 01

  That's too many.

• 17:23Speaker 00

  It's not, man.

• 17:23Speaker 01

  It is, that's too, it is too many.

• 17:25Speaker 00

  Ah.

• 17:25Speaker 01

  Chris.

• 17:26Speaker 00

  What?

• 17:26Speaker 01

  That's too many?

• 17:27Speaker 00

  You just poo it out, man. You poo it out.

• 17:29Speaker 01

  In the summer, you go down to one, in the winter, you're a bit of two. Good.

• 17:33Speaker 00

  Because I was in the sun.

• 17:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:35Speaker 00

  I'm on one.

• 17:35Speaker 01

  But in general, you don't need three vitamin D tablets.

• 17:38Speaker 00

  I'm gonna take four just to prove you wrong.

• 17:39Speaker 01

  Why do you do everything, why can't I do everything at excess?

• 17:41Speaker 00

  Because I heard vitamin D was good, so I was like, well, I'll have more of it then. More's good.

• 17:44Speaker 01

  But too much.

• 17:45Speaker 00

  Same with everything, innit? Come on.

• 17:47Speaker 01

  You look yellow.

• 17:48Speaker 00

  I was really worried. After you slagged off me watch, Tan, I was really worried I was gonna have a glove, Tan. I don't think I've got one.

• 17:56Speaker 01

  No, you haven't.

• 17:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think the same, yeah. I was, I think I was gonna get that. But, um, so, eh, as we all know, eh, Carl Hudson, friend of the podcast, came with us eh, on the golf trip.

• 18:06Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 18:06Speaker 00

  Eh, but he, he didn't, doesn't play golf. So he just, he just waited for, he just had a little holiday on his own and had a drink. And then we all, I mean, we were done, we were done at like, one o'clock in the afternoon, which is when, you know, we saw him then. Um, so Carl, when we got back, so we'd be playing golf on the morning, right? And then we'd be texting, we'd be like, well, you'd be like, he's coming back. We'd be like, yeah, we're on my way back. We'll get back. And he'd already be around the pool waiting for her. The excitement on his little face and how he went on when we came back, it was like, and this, I'm not exaggerating here. Have you seen the videos of people who've lost their dogs and they go and find their dog?

• 18:41Speaker 00

  And the dog is like, it can't control itself. It's like, it's on them and it's like fucking wagging his tail so much, its whole body's moving. He was exactly like that when we got back. He's like, you all right? Hey, I've done this and I've watered the thing and I went down there and I've got these sunbeds for her and it was like, buzzing, right? But however, however, um, Carl discovered, and I didn't know this was a thing, Carl discovered the level before, the level of pissed before I need carried home. Cause he was a big lad, I wouldn't be happy having to carry him home. He discovered the level, there's a level under I need carried home. So you're drunk, you're tipsy, you know, you're tipsy, you're pissed, you're hammered, you need carried home.

• 19:21Speaker 00

  In between hammered and need carried home, there is a, there's a state that Carl discovered and I didn't know it was a thing. We were walking home one night and Carl was a little bit worse for wear and he just turned to one of the lads.

• 19:36Speaker 01

  What?

• 19:38Speaker 00

  Can I hold your hand?

• 19:44Speaker 00

  Shaun went, "What?" He went, "If I just hold your hand while we're walking." And Shaun went, "You had no bother? I've got multiple photos of me phone."

• 19:55Speaker 01

  Just to keep them upright?

• 19:56Speaker 00

  Just to keep them. Like, "I don't need carried, but can I just hold your hand?" The weirdest bit was, they didn't hold hands like school trip holding hands. They held proper

• 20:06Speaker 01

  Oh, that's so nice.

• 20:08Speaker 00

  Married couple holding hands.

• 20:10Speaker 01

  And why shouldn't yours?

• 20:11Speaker 00

  To be fair, Shaun, I think Shaun swapped at one point with Jordan, but Shaun and Jordan held his hand all the way home, all the way home. And then I took him up to his room

• 20:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:21Speaker 00

  And I put him to bed.

• 20:22Speaker 01

  Because you love him, he's your friend.

• 20:23Speaker 00

  Loved him a bit. I took him up, I took him up to his room and he's, you're a pleasant drunk, but he is the most pleasant drunk in the world.

• 20:29Speaker 01

  Oh, that's, well then, then when people are pleasant drunks, you don't mind looking after them when they're drunk.

• 20:34Speaker 00

  Unbelievable. Like laughing his head off, just loves, loves everything, loves life. And he said the next morning, he's like, "This is why, everyone was saying you're such a nice drunk." And he's like, "This is why I never get beer for you." He was like, "I never get beer for you because I know I've never upset or offended anyone because he's great." Yeah. I took him to his bedroom and he just fell face forward onto the bed.

• 20:52Speaker 01

  Was he more drunk than everyone else because he'd been drinking while yous were at golf?

• 20:55Speaker 00

  I would imagine so.

• 20:56Speaker 01

  Right.

• 20:56Speaker 00

  He fell face forward onto the bed, right? And I've got a photo on me phone that I'll have to show you. It's a photo of him just lying face forward, face, face down on the bed. And I texted it to the group with the caption, "Your package has been delivered."

• 21:11Speaker 01

  Oh, well, at least he had a good time. He's also trenches.

• 21:14Speaker 00

  He's trenches with young, young, young, young children. They are.

• 21:17Speaker 01

  They're trenches.

• 21:18Speaker 00

  They're in the trenches with very young children. And again, it gets easier. I tell them all the time, it gets easier. But when you're cutting loose, when you're away, you are cutting loose. And that's what he did.

• 21:27Speaker 01

  You've, you've done it before.

• 21:28Speaker 00

  Oh, God, yeah.

• 21:28Speaker 01

  Oh, you've lost days.

• 21:30Speaker 00

  Oh, when you're so hungover and hot, you put a lie on the bathroom floor for the tiles.

• 21:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:34Speaker 00

  Oh, I've been there.

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• 23:40Speaker 00

  So another thing that happened, um, I, this would not have been as funny if it wasn't in a Scottish accent, right? Uh, went for a meal one night and we went to, uh, uh, uh, went to a curry place, right? And we went, uh, I went to the bathroom during said curry and a lady had already ran past our table, holding like a four-year-old, a four or five-year-old little girl.

• 24:06Speaker 01

  Right.

• 24:06Speaker 00

  Ran, like sprinted, holding the girl.

• 24:09Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 24:10Speaker 00

  We all know why they're sprinting to the to- we all know why they're sprinting to the toilet.

• 24:13Speaker 01

  For a week.

• 24:13Speaker 00

  Well, there's an accident on the horizon.

• 24:15Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 24:15Speaker 00

  Okay. So she runs past and we go, oh, you know, and we, what was mad was we're all dads. So in a really, not a horrible way, but in a really like, I don't know, uh, like, uh, trying to enjoy ourselves as much as possible way. Whenever we saw anyone around the pool or anywhere having a bit of bother with their kids or on the flight, we all were just like, ah, not us. This is great.

• 24:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 24:35Speaker 00

  Do you know what I mean?

• 24:35Speaker 01

  But also probably, I'm guessing, understanding.

• 24:38Speaker 00

  Very understa- oh, kids flying on, kids crying on flights, couldn't give a shit.

• 24:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:42Speaker 00

  Stick a screaming kid, my kid, I'm devastated. Before I had kids, I was raging.

• 24:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:47Speaker 00

  Stick a screaming kid next to me for the full flight. I couldn't give a shit because I don't have to help. I'm like, fuck you.

• 24:51Speaker 01

  Well, I mean.

• 24:52Speaker 00

  Like, no, but you know what I mean?

• 24:53Speaker 01

  Be nice if you helped.

• 24:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, but it's, I could, but it's not my issue is my problem. It's not my, so I'm like, okay, kids crying.

• 24:57Speaker 01

  I really thought you were gonna take a different angle.

• 24:59Speaker 00

  No, no, I'm like, ah, it's not my problem.

• 25:00Speaker 01

  No, but I thought you were gonna say, oh, you understand because our kids have done it.

• 25:04Speaker 00

  Oh, I understand. It's my point is I understand, but I'm like, it's not.

• 25:06Speaker 01

  I feel I've just remembered something.

• 25:08Speaker 00

  It's not my burden, should I say.

• 25:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 25:11Speaker 00

  Anyway, listen to this, right? What?

• 25:13Speaker 01

  I'm just writing something down.

• 25:14Speaker 00

  Okay. What, for the beefs?

• 25:16Speaker 01

  Maybe.

• 25:16Speaker 00

  Wow. She's doing her research in front of us live on the podcast.

• 25:21Speaker 01

  Wasn't gonna mention it, but I will.

• 25:22Speaker 00

  Great. So, so, uh, this lady runs to the toilet. She's in the toilet for quite some time. I end up needing the toilet. So I go and it's one of them toilets where it's got the sink, uh, area is communal and then off to the right is the ladies and off to the left is the mans.

• 25:37Speaker 01

  Awful.

• 25:38Speaker 00

  Yeah. So I walk in and the little girl is standing next to the sink and the mom is. Looks at me and turns her back, she's clearly cleaning something in the sink. I kinda know what's going on, but I'm not bothered. And I saw it looking, I go, oh, which ones, the men's, which ones, which goes, oh, it's there. And I went, oh, and she goes, are you off the, you're off the telly? And I was like, oh, yeah. And she was like, oh, right, yeah. And I went, yeah, and I went to the toilet and I came back out and I'm waiting to use the sink. And she went, and she realises I know what's happened, right? And she kinda went, oh, two seconds, um, we just, we've just had a little bit of an incident like that. And the little girl looked up at us, right, until her mum's horror. And it wouldn't have been funny if it wasn't in this accent, in this accent, she'd looked at us and just went,

• 26:22Speaker 00

  I done a jobbie.

• 26:30Speaker 00

  And the mum just went, oh, yeah, and I fucking lost it.

• 26:34Speaker 01

  Oh, my god.

• 26:35Speaker 00

  I done a jobbie.

• 26:37Speaker 01

  Oh, bless her.

• 26:38Speaker 00

  It was absolute, if anyone doesn't know what jobbie means to shit, oh, my god.

• 26:42Speaker 01

  I'm gonna see there's been a murder.

• 26:43Speaker 00

  I literally, I went, I went, well, well done. I went, congratulations, me darling, lay at, and she like smiled and the mum was just like shaking her head. Oh, it was fucking delicious. It was so good.

• 26:53Speaker 01

  Oh, the canny man, I've done a jobbie.

• 26:56Speaker 00

  I've done a jobbie. And the mum just looked right up at us and told us.

• 27:00Speaker 01

  Our kids would go, shit me pants.

• 27:01Speaker 00

  Poo me pants. God, it was fun. The mum was devil, I knew, if, if the mum's listening, I already knew what had happened. I get it, like, and it's fine, but it was, god, it was funny.

• 27:11Speaker 01

  Cute. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. One thing of note that happened whilst you were away, that I haven't actually got to speak to you about. Um, one day, there was, somebody knocked on the door, no, so the gate was open. And somebody came to the door, very smartly dressed man, like, like he'd had a suit on all day, but he took his suit jacket off.

• 27:33Speaker 00

  Right.

• 27:34Speaker 01

  Um, with a delivery saying, oh, I'm going, I'm going out shortly, so I just wanted to drop these off. Oh, I'm like, this delivery guy is going above and beyond.

• 27:45Speaker 00

  Right.

• 27:46Speaker 01

  He's literally going out and on his round, he's dropping off our parcel. Who is he? Not my normal guy, so kind of him. So I'm literally like, thank you so much, like, you didn't, you didn't have to do that, bloody blah. Didn't realise till he like, he's a neighbour.

• 28:00Speaker 00

  I knew you were gonna say that.

• 28:01Speaker 01

  Who is he?

• 28:01Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 28:02Speaker 01

  I, I was like, I've not seen this guy before. It wasn't like, I don't think he's peripheral.

• 28:07Speaker 00

  Right.

• 28:09Speaker 00

  You don't think he's an immediate neighbour? So you thought he was a delivery guy, but he was dropping something, so somebody's been dropping it at his house?

• 28:13Speaker 01

  Until he left, I spoke to him like he was a delivery guy.

• 28:17Speaker 00

  Brilliant.

• 28:17Speaker 01

  Who'd, who must know where, on his rounds and did, wanted to drop it off before he went on holiday or something. And I was just like, what is happening?

• 28:25Speaker 00

  That shows how ingratiated we are in the local community. Don't even know who the fucking neighbours are.

• 28:29Speaker 01

  I, I thought we did though.

• 28:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:31Speaker 01

  I thought we knew all the neighbours.

• 28:32Speaker 00

  You might have just moved in, you never, sometimes you know if they'll knock, if they, they'll knock to try and, cause that's that whole thing in it where if they don't deliver it, they get bollocked.

• 28:38Speaker 01

  I know.

• 28:39Speaker 00

  So sometimes they'll knock and if everyone's out, they'll go fucking miles down the street.

• 28:42Speaker 01

  Right, okay. Well, he mu, they must have gone pretty far, cause I was like, I don't think I've seen this guy before.

• 28:46Speaker 00

  You didn't see anything awful.

• 28:48Speaker 01

  No, I didn't. I was just like, oh wow, thank you. Like.

• 28:51Speaker 00

  Right.

• 28:51Speaker 01

  So actually, he's probably tucking his me going, thank you for taking that in, I really appreciate it.

• 28:55Speaker 00

  Whereas you thought he was.

• 28:56Speaker 01

  I just thought this delivery guy is.

• 28:58Speaker 00

  On his way to a wedding.

• 28:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:59Speaker 00

  But he was gonna.

• 29:00Speaker 01

  I have to get this parcel to you.

• 29:02Speaker 00

  This is so important.

• 29:03Speaker 01

  Absolutely have to get this to you.

• 29:04Speaker 00

  Like the parcel at the end of Cast Away.

• 29:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:07Speaker 00

  And he keeps the whole time, so he's got a purpose to get home. Yeah.

• 29:10Speaker 01

  Oh my god, that is such a good film.

• 29:11Speaker 00

  Incredible film.

• 29:12Speaker 01

  Isn't it?

• 29:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:13Speaker 01

  I might watch it again, actually.

• 29:14Speaker 00

  You know, that is six month gap, so you get into shape.

• 29:17Speaker 01

  For when they come back?

• 29:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, the dedication.

• 29:20Speaker 00

  That is six months, so he, you know, he, he's quite, he's just like normal body shape and then the crash and they do all the first bits and then they have like a six month gap and he gets shredded and then they start filming again.

• 29:30Speaker 01

  Because, well surely they had to do it while they were doing the filming?

• 29:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, but he had a, it's like, there's, there's a gap in filming.

• 29:35Speaker 01

  While he's there, he's lost all the weight.

• 29:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, of course, cause there's that one where it fades, I think he knocks his tooth out and then it fades away to nothing and the next one, there's, there's, there's a fish and a fucking spear lands in the fish.

• 29:44Speaker 01

  And then he's like.

• 29:45Speaker 00

  And then the wide shot is him just on a rock, just fucking ripped to bits.

• 29:48Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 29:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:49Speaker 01

  Love that.

• 29:50Speaker 00

  So there you go.

• 29:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay. So sorry, sorry to the gentleman.

• 29:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:55Speaker 01

  He was a gentleman.

• 29:56Speaker 00

  It's good. So I'm just glad, I'm glad you didn't say like, you know, I wanna take a photo of it like you normally do or something like that. That would have been painful.

• 30:03Speaker 01

  I got away with it, I think.

• 30:03Speaker 00

  That would have been painful. Right, good, good, good.

• 30:06Speaker 00

  It's time for what's your beef?

• 30:09Speaker 01

  What is beef? What, what, what? What's your beef?

• 30:11Speaker 00

  Right, so you wrote something down earlier, was that beef?

• 30:14Speaker 01

  Yes, it is beef.

• 30:15Speaker 00

  And this is the new one that you've just remembered?

• 30:17Speaker 01

  I didn't just remember it, I just hadn't wrote it down at the time, but it's just, I think it's a, I think as all mothers, we can agree that this is something, well, okay, all right, well.

• 30:27Speaker 00

  As a woman, as a mother, I know I'm about to get a load of shit, come on then.

• 30:30Speaker 01

  So, something happened with the kids while you were away? Just like Robyn was misbehaving type thing and bloody blah, and I told you about it, because I had to, I had to implement some rules.

• 30:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:40Speaker 01

  He wasn't allowed to play out for a couple of nights and bloody, bloody, blah. Anyway, it's all sorted, don't worry about it. But, it was kind of plaguing us and I wanted to talk to you about it because you were away, and I spoke to you about it, and then the next day, I said like, have you thought about what we were chatting about yesterday? And you said to me, I'm on holiday, no.

• 31:02Speaker 01

  And I just, I ju- no, no, no, no, but I just, I also have been on holiday without the kids, but I can tell you right now, I don't like, stop thinking about them and stop thinking about stuff, just because I'm not with them, I still think about everything and possibly might even be awake in the night thinking about stuff.

• 31:20Speaker 00

  This might be why you said earlier on that your head feels like it's about to explode, because I did just switch off. Um, but.

• 31:27Speaker 01

  It's just a luxury that I'm not, I'm not afforded.

• 31:30Speaker 00

  Well, no, because it's got something to do with the fact that I know that when they're with you, they are in the best hands possible.

• 31:35Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 31:35Speaker 00

  You know that when they're with me, they're with second best.

• 31:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know, I just don't ever switch off from them and thinking about them and thinking about stuff. I know, I was just, honestly?

• 31:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:46Speaker 01

  I was just a bit shocked. I was a bit shocked that you were literally like, oh, I haven't given it a second thought.

• 31:50Speaker 00

  Well, I mean, I shouldn't have told you. I should have, I should have, I should have went, yeah, I've been thinking about it all night.

• 31:53Speaker 01

  I mean, that, that would have been better.

• 31:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, I should have, yeah.

• 31:56Speaker 01

  Honestly, for a minute I went, I went, I kind of did just go, I'm in this alone, aren't I?

• 32:05Speaker 01

  I did? I'm not even joking, I genuinely, for a second I was like, oh, it's, it's just all up to me, which is fine. And I, I like to know where I stand. And like, you do, you, you know, you take them to school and stuff and you'll take them to the scooter.

• 32:19Speaker 00

  I should have started out, if I had my time again, if I had my time again, I should have went, yeah, I know, honestly, Rosie, I haven't stopped thinking about it. Whereas honestly, as soon as I hung up, it was like none of you existed until you rang again.

• 32:34Speaker 01

  How, how do you?

• 32:35Speaker 00

  I need, I needed.

• 32:37Speaker 01

  How, how do you do it though?

• 32:39Speaker 00

  I just needed, golf's a, golf's an all encompassing game, you know. You can't really think about anything else while you're playing golf, to be honest with you.

• 32:45Speaker 01

  What, but, sorry, the bad dad game? The bad dad club, that's what he's all.

• 32:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, it is the bad dad club.

• 32:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, in future, in future, just pretend.

• 32:53Speaker 00

  I should have.

• 32:54Speaker 01

  Although I know now, I'll fucking know, I'll know, I'll be like, you haven't thought about this once. It's just mad, but that's just how different males and females are because on a girl's trip, like yous'll have just talked about other stuff, but on a girl's trip, we would have talked about.

• 33:09Speaker 00

  About the issue, I told them about the issue, obviously.

• 33:12Speaker 01

  We're making it sound like it's really, it's genuinely not that.

• 33:14Speaker 00

  It was actually really fucking funny as well, to be fair, and, and quite, it was one of the things where, you know, when your kid does a thing where it's naughty, but you go, fuck me, that's impressive, like, I can't tell you how much, like, that, that is millimeters away from a high five, what you've done.

• 33:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you have to pretend.

• 33:28Speaker 00

  Getting a bollocking for it, but I'm telling you right now, that's millimeters away from a high five. Yeah, so, it is, yeah, I told them about, we talked about, we laughed about it, and then I just, you know, got another beer.

• 33:39Speaker 01

  Nice, I'm just jealous.

• 33:40Speaker 00

  I know you are.

• 33:41Speaker 01

  I'm just jealous.

• 33:41Speaker 00

  I know you are, and honestly, green's not a good colour, are you?

• 33:45Speaker 01

  I know, I just don't sleep. I don't sleep worrying about me kids, and I hate that, I hate that about, I really just wanna be, shit, I wanna be laid back, I wanna be like, go with it and, oh, well, everything will be fine. I lose sleep.

• 34:00Speaker 00

  Yes, and that's why you're a brilliant mum, and they'll thank you for it when they're, I, no.

• 34:04Speaker 01

  I don't wanna be brilliant, I wanna be.

• 34:05Speaker 00

  That's about, in fact, in fact, get it in your head now, they will not thank you for it.

• 34:10Speaker 01

  So why do I bother?

• 34:10Speaker 00

  Because you know it's the best, you know it's what's best for them, you know it's what's best for them.

• 34:14Speaker 01

  Well, I know, but I'm, I'm very aware, I said this to me mum yesterday, Robert, me and Robin are gonna have a hard time because I am, I'm the strict mum.

• 34:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:26Speaker 01

  And he hates it. And he, I sometimes think he hates me and it's just dead. It's really upsetting. He do- no, he does honestly, sometimes he fucking hates us because he's like.

• 34:35Speaker 00

  Well, no, it's the other way around because he was asking me for something last night and I said no and he went, well, where's ma'am? I'll ask ma'am. So no, no, he's, he, he will play off against each other.

• 34:45Speaker 01

  I know.

• 34:46Speaker 00

  Yeah. I love saying no. That's the difference. Can I have this? Nah. Can I have one of them? Nah. He tried to get a pack, he tried to get a pack of chili heat with Doritos at eight o'clock last night.

• 34:55Speaker 01

  Why do you keep calling it Doritos? There's only one O. I fucking hate it when you call it Dor-. Every time you call it Doritos. Fucking, it's Doritos.

• 35:04Speaker 00

  People had a go at me on holiday for that.

• 35:06Speaker 01

  Oh, oh God, were you saying it around your mates?

• 35:08Speaker 00

  I say it around everyone. I thought I say Doritos.

• 35:10Speaker 01

  Doritos. There's one O.

• 35:13Speaker 00

  Well, that would be Do-itos, you fucking.

• 35:15Speaker 01

  No, Do, D O O R. If there was two Os, it would be Doritos.

• 35:20Speaker 00

  Ah, right.

• 35:21Speaker 01

  It's Do- it's Doritos.

• 35:23Speaker 00

  So the O's silent.

• 35:24Speaker 01

  Pretty much.

• 35:25Speaker 00

  Who told you this?

• 35:25Speaker 01

  Or Doritos. It's not Doritos.

• 35:30Speaker 01

  So fucking pack it in.

• 35:31Speaker 00

  So hold on. So you're saying it's Dura the Explorer?

• 35:37Speaker 00

  Is it Dura the Explorer or is it?

• 35:39Speaker 01

  Dora.

• 35:39Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 35:46Speaker 01

  Touche, touche. But it's not Doritos. But fine, go on, no, you can carry on calling.

• 35:51Speaker 00

  Doritos the Exploritos.

• 35:57Speaker 00

  Listen, my beef with you, right?

• 35:58Speaker 01

  I hate it when he say, sorry everyone, he says Doritos all the time. I'm really upset.

• 36:04Speaker 00

  Do you want to tell everyone about the?

• 36:05Speaker 01

  But why wouldn't you let him have any Doritos?

• 36:07Speaker 00

  It was eight o'clock.

• 36:08Speaker 01

  At night?

• 36:09Speaker 00

  Aye. And he went and got them. He got a, he got a chocolate bar and a packet of Doritos. And I was like, what the hell's going on here? I went, put them back. He went, where's ma'am? I went, did we give him a zat? I was just a G and S. I went, go and put them back. Can you phone her and ask if I can have some? I went, no, I can't phone her and ask if I can have some Doritos. I went and put them back.

• 36:26Speaker 01

  You should have.

• 36:27Speaker 00

  Open the cupboard door and put them Doritos back in the Dorito cupboard. Now close the door. There you go. Listen, my beef with you.

• 36:36Speaker 01

  No, you can't have one. I'm really sensitive. Me can't hate this.

• 36:39Speaker 00

  I don't want to hate you. My beef with you is.

• 36:42Speaker 01

  What?

• 36:44Speaker 00

  The, you always whinge about this house being a bit like messy and there being shit everywhere and like not tidying up and stuff. Yet today, just this morning, I went to throw away a, some kind of cardboard mask on a straw.

• 37:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:01Speaker 00

  That Reeve got from McDonald's that I saw him use once yesterday. I went to put in the recycle bin and you went, oh, don't let him keep it.

• 37:08Speaker 01

  Give it a week.

• 37:08Speaker 00

  I went, a week?

• 37:09Speaker 01

  Just a week.

• 37:10Speaker 00

  But then, but then you go, why is this house a tip? It's because you let him keep bits of shit for a week.

• 37:14Speaker 01

  I throw them after, I throw them away after a week. Just let them have them for a week. You only got it yesterday. You can't chuck it away. Let him have it for a week and then throw it away? What's wrong with you?

• 37:24Speaker 00

  I'm not having it. I'm not having it. Straight in the bin. If it's recyclable, it's gone. It's gone the journey. It'll get wrecked, man. It'll get wrecked. You'll rip it up in tiny pieces. The pieces will be all over. I'm not picking it up. You're gonna have to get rid of that. I'm not getting rid of that. I tried. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. The amount of like, like a party bag shit that just hangs around. Oh, God.

• 37:43Speaker 01

  I know. I hate it.

• 37:45Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 37:45Speaker 01

  But just, you can't, he's a person. You can't just throw away stuff.

• 37:49Speaker 00

  He's not a person. No one's a person.

• 37:50Speaker 01

  He is. You can't throw away their things. You have to like ask them.

• 37:54Speaker 00

  Right. But if I asked them, would never get rid of anything.

• 37:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, but then just note how long.

• 37:59Speaker 00

  Fucking flush their shits away if you asked them.

• 38:01Speaker 01

  Note how long they haven't played with it and then get rid of it. Can't just throw it, because then, because, because what'll happen?

• 38:07Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 38:07Speaker 01

  What'll happen?

• 38:09Speaker 00

  You go, where's that mask?

• 38:09Speaker 01

  You go, where's that thing?

• 38:11Speaker 00

  And I'll go, mammy threw it away.

• 38:13Speaker 01

  No, and then what I've got to do is be horrible about you, which I love. Oh, God. Do you know they say you shouldn't do it? But I fucking love it. I know it's the most toxic thing ever and I know it's shocking and I know the red flag guy would hate us, but I fucking love saying to them kids, well, your dad hasn't done this.

• 38:35Speaker 01

  Well, you'll have to go and ask your dad about that because actually your dad said, ah, and when you're there, oh, God. Oh, I've never felt more alive.

• 38:49Speaker 00

  Dreadful but very funny, well done.

• 38:50Speaker 01

  Do you not love it though?

• 38:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't, yeah, I don't.

• 38:53Speaker 01

  Oh, it's pure red flag shit, I fucking love it.

• 38:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, I say I don't do that at all.

• 38:57Speaker 01

  Yes, you do, you do.

• 38:59Speaker 00

  You name a time I've done that.

• 39:02Speaker 00

  I've never done it. I won't do it. I won't.

• 39:05Speaker 01

  Do you get upset when I do it?

• 39:07Speaker 00

  Well, you know what it is, actually, we've got two boys, so I'll give you, I'll give you it, because we've got two boys. But I'm not gonna say like negative things about them.

• 39:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, you want, you want them to grow up knowing that women are in charge. I just think it's healthier.

• 39:23Speaker 01

  I'm sorry, I do, I think it's healthy. I didn't ask my dad for shit growing up.

• 39:27Speaker 00

  I know what you mean.

• 39:27Speaker 01

  He was great, amazing dad, love him, love him to death, but I, me mum ruled the house. And I think most healthy houses, the women rule. And I, I want my boys to marry women who are really strong and, and they run the house.

• 39:46Speaker 00

  Not stronger than you though.

• 39:47Speaker 01

  They can fuck off.

• 39:53Speaker 01

  There's a hierarchy here.

• 39:54Speaker 00

  There it is.

• 39:55Speaker 01

  And you need to know.

• 39:56Speaker 00

  There it is, oh god.

• 39:58Speaker 01

  Oh no, stop it, I'm, I'm doing this, I'm joking, I'm totally joking. But I do love slagging you off in front of the kids.

• 40:05Speaker 00

  Fair enough, I've got thick skin, I can take it.

• 40:07Speaker 01

  I know, and then I know when I leave the room, I'm not stupid, I know that when I leave the room, you go.

• 40:12Speaker 00

  Just go, lads, she's on her period or something. She's on her period or something girly, you know what they're like, yeah?

• 40:19Speaker 01

  So it all balances out.

• 40:20Speaker 00

  And then we all watch Andrew Tate, so it's all good.

• 40:23Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 40:23Speaker 00

  It's all good.

• 40:25Speaker 01

  Oh my god, ew. Babadu babadu babadu ba.

• 41:07Speaker 04

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• 41:16Speaker 05

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• 41:53Speaker 04

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• 42:00Speaker 02

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• 42:31Speaker 00

  It's time for questions from the public.

• 42:35Speaker 00

  You've done it different there. As always, if you want to get in touch, it's [email protected]. If you would like to send a long form written correspondence or if you'd like to send a voice note to the WhatsApp, it's 07874 406650. All of those content articles can be found on your podcast page.

• 42:51Speaker 01

  Oh, well done. That sounded very professional.

• 42:53Speaker 00

  It's good, that one. I was like, blue Peter, please send a self addressed envelope if you want me to send your tatty bits of shitty art that you've done back.

• 43:01Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 43:02Speaker 00

  Don't expect all the bits of macaroni to still be stuck on the fucking cardboard.

• 43:05Speaker 01

  Very true. I've got two here. I haven't listened to them. Daisy sent them last week. One's called No Low Roll and one's called Toilet Roll Substitution. Which one would you like?

• 43:16Speaker 00

  I'll have Toilet Roll Substitution, please.

• 43:17Speaker 01

  Right, okay.

• 43:19Speaker 06

  Hi Chris, hi Rosie.

• 43:21Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 43:21Speaker 06

  I was listening to your podcast and heard the rose bush substitution. So I thought I'd tell you about a substitution that I had of my own.

• 43:32Speaker 01

  What's, what's the rose bush substitution?

• 43:34Speaker 00

  Wasn't that someone gave someone a rose bush as a present?

• 43:39Speaker 00

  Didn't it?

• 43:39Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 43:40Speaker 00

  Someone gave someone a rose bush as a present, I'm sure.

• 43:42Speaker 01

  It'll become clear, but I can't remember. I'm now thinking, wiping it of?

• 43:47Speaker 00

  No, no, no, it wasn't. No, no, no, no, no. No, it was nothing to do with that.

• 43:51Speaker 01

  Alright.

• 43:52Speaker 06

  Pre-COVID, so the substitution that I received for toilet paper was even more.

• 43:59Speaker 01

  It's on a shop.

• 44:00Speaker 00

  The, someone got, wanted a bouquet of flowers for someone and the substitution that the online shopping did was literally a plant, a rose plant, if I remember rightly. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 44:09Speaker 01

  I got a rogue one the other day.

• 44:11Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 44:12Speaker 01

  I ordered the pre-made pancakes for Rafe. He loves, he hates my pancakes. He's horrible. It's awful. So I ordered the pre-made pancakes. It's really upsetting. No, it's really upsetting. But then, but he snuffled them down the other morning.

• 44:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 44:28Speaker 01

  Anyway, just does it, who says? Do you know what the substitute was?

• 44:33Speaker 00

  What?

• 44:34Speaker 01

  A cheesecake? A brownie cheesecake?

• 44:36Speaker 00

  I was wondering why that cheesecake was in the fridge.

• 44:38Speaker 01

  And the guy, because I didn't get time to check and he was like, is that okay? I was like, yes.

• 44:42Speaker 00

  So instead of pancakes, crepes, many ready-made crepes, they gave you that?

• 44:47Speaker 01

  A brownie cheesecake?

• 44:50Speaker 00

  It's a bit much of a breakfast, isn't it?

• 44:51Speaker 01

  What's happening here?

• 44:52Speaker 00

  I saw it in the fridge. I was like, why should I buy that? It's, oh, you know, I thought you'd got it for me as a little gift.

• 44:57Speaker 01

  Oh, no, sorry. Was it nice?

• 45:02Speaker 00

  I haven't had any of it.

• 45:02Speaker 01

  It looked amazing, but I was just like.

• 45:04Speaker 00

  Someone's been eating it. Someone's been eating it. Sandra's been eating it.

• 45:07Speaker 01

  Um, did you throw out that veg that you left?

• 45:10Speaker 00

  No, I put it in the fridge.

• 45:11Speaker 01

  Good, because she texted, she texted saying, don't let Chris throw it away.

• 45:15Speaker 00

  She left a bag of vegetables on the, on the bench. I.

• 45:18Speaker 01

  Well, she said, do you know how much sprouts are nowadays? That's why she doesn't want it thrown away.

• 45:22Speaker 00

  She looked like she was going to a farm to feed the rabbits. It's just a bag of random bits of bread.

• 45:29Speaker 00

  So weird.

• 45:30Speaker 01

  It's our little bag of stir fry that she takes everywhere. And she takes it back home. She takes it back home with her, like, as if we're not worthy of our leftover veg.

• 45:40Speaker 01

  It's so weird. It's so weird that she just carries, she comes and stays out of our house and just brings like, yeah, you're right. It's, it looks like the, the stuff that you give to your rabbit.

• 45:49Speaker 00

  Can you remember Roker Park, where there was rabbits at Roker Park? It looks like it's going to Roker Park to give the rabbits. That's sorry, that's a, that was a park in Sunderland near us, by the way, years ago.

• 45:57Speaker 01

  So weird. Anyway, ready? So this is about supermarket substitutions.

• 46:02Speaker 00

  Substitutions, yeah.

• 46:03Speaker 06

  There was no shortage at the time.

• 46:05Speaker 00

  Of toilet roll.

• 46:06Speaker 06

  I had been pre-warned that my toilet paper was not in stock, so they were going to replace it. Fine, I thought I'd just have a different brand, maybe a different colour.

• 46:18Speaker 00

  What is it?

• 46:19Speaker 06

  When my shopping arrived, my toilet paper had been substituted for a ream of A4 printer paper.

• 46:30Speaker 06

  It's the most ridiculous substitution I've ever had. And no, I did not use it.

• 46:37Speaker 00

  Fucking amazing.

• 46:38Speaker 01

  That, what?

• 46:39Speaker 00

  I would not have guessed. I would not have, I was gonna go kitchen roll, cloths, sponges.

• 46:45Speaker 01

  That's hilarious.

• 46:48Speaker 00

  A4 printer paper.

• 46:51Speaker 01

  Are they not allowed to just say that they don't have it?

• 46:54Speaker 00

  I don't know, but that is absolutely phenomenal.

• 46:57Speaker 01

  That's hilarious.

• 46:58Speaker 00

  Oh, imagine wiping your arse.

• 47:00Speaker 01

  Wipe your arse with this as a pandemic.

• 47:02Speaker 00

  No, this was before the pandemic. She's saying this was before, it wasn't even a shortage of toilet roll. That's what she's saying. It was just they didn't have her brand. So, oh, look, we haven't got, you know, I don't know, Andrex Extra Soft. Show us, give her, um, Charmin. No, I will not. Let's give her.

• 47:16Speaker 01

  Do you know what though?

• 47:17Speaker 00

  A4 fucking laser jet paper.

• 47:19Speaker 01

  This, so this is what I find with, like, do you know when you go to a coffee shop? And it's a, and I'm, I'm not slating young people. I love young people. I was young once myself as well. And I used to work in a coffee shop and I didn't drink tea and I didn't drink coffee. And honestly. Abysmal.

• 47:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:34Speaker 01

  Probably everything I made was disgusting, right?

• 47:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 47:36Speaker 01

  But all I'm saying is, it's, it's like when you go to a cafe and the people serving the cafe coffees, don't drink coffee and they're shit and you go, what, what is this like vile anyway?

• 47:47Speaker 00

  All you've seen the person who substituted it has never wiped their arse before.

• 47:50Speaker 01

  I feel like the person who substituted it is a 16 year old boy who's probably never, ever done the shopping.

• 47:57Speaker 00

  Right.

• 47:57Speaker 01

  No, like he's, he's probably just like, not, I don't know.

• 48:01Speaker 00

  I think, I think there's been, I think there's been either, it's been either a computer or there's been a really quick glance and an error. They've seen paper.

• 48:08Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 48:09Speaker 00

  They've not seen anything else.

• 48:11Speaker 01

  All right, okay.

• 48:11Speaker 00

  And they've gone boom. So it's either the, the computer's done it before, because you see them on their little pads.

• 48:16Speaker 01

  No, it's not. That's not how it works. That's the person who drops it off. That's who's packed his shopping.

• 48:20Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 48:21Speaker 01

  It's all the same person.

• 48:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, but you see them on the pads going around the supermarket doing it. So either before it got to the screen of the pad, paper for paper has been, or they've been in a fucking frantic rush. They've looked, they've seen paper, oh, there's, oh, paper and they've just got paper by it. But that is so good.

• 48:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, fair enough.

• 48:36Speaker 00

  That is, can you imagine how upsetting it would be wiping your arse with a crisp sheet of printer paper? Oh, God.

• 48:44Speaker 01

  Wouldn't pick anything off, would it?

• 48:47Speaker 00

  No, it would just slide. It would, it'd be a, it would just be like a butter knife.

• 48:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:52Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 48:53Speaker 01

  I was thinking about thonged bikinis this morning.

• 48:55Speaker 00

  Great.

• 48:56Speaker 01

  Cause I've got a little spot on my bum.

• 48:59Speaker 00

  Congratulations.

• 49:00Speaker 01

  I'd seen it this morning. I thought, I could never wear one.

• 49:03Speaker 00

  No.

• 49:04Speaker 01

  We've had this conversation before.

• 49:05Speaker 00

  Again, people still wear them on holiday. I find it upsetting. I find it upsetting.

• 49:10Speaker 01

  Why?

• 49:10Speaker 00

  Just find it upsetting.

• 49:12Speaker 01

  Hmm. You just don't want to see someone's full arse on holiday, do you?

• 49:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, there's just no part of us that wants to see someone's full arse. And again, I'm like, that's fucking, that's right up your arse crack, that.

• 49:21Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 49:21Speaker 00

  How much of a tan do you want?

• 49:23Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 49:23Speaker 00

  Come on, man. Stop it.

• 49:26Speaker 01

  They're just fashionable now, I think. That's the crack. Literally.

• 49:30Speaker 00

  That's the crack.

• 49:30Speaker 01

  But it's upsetting for us, the rest of the world who don't want to wear thonged bikinis, because now all the bikinis are just getting smaller and smaller. Like.

• 49:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:40Speaker 01

  I wear massive niggas, you know, and I love them.

• 49:43Speaker 00

  I know.

• 49:43Speaker 01

  You, oh.

• 49:46Speaker 00

  You take them off, the room goes dark. Blot out all the light.

• 49:53Speaker 00

  So we'll put a ten up in here.

• 49:55Speaker 01

  We don't need black or blinds on holiday.

• 49:59Speaker 01

  So, but to find a full, I should actually make bikinis, a full coverage arse bikini because they are rare nowadays.

• 50:06Speaker 00

  Really?

• 50:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:07Speaker 00

  To get like a stylish one as well.

• 50:09Speaker 01

  They're just getting smaller and smaller and they just cover half your arse and it's like, I don't want to constantly be picking out a wedgie on holiday.

• 50:15Speaker 00

  You can't pick it out, otherwise everyone can see your arse.

• 50:17Speaker 01

  I would like the arse to be covered.

• 50:19Speaker 00

  There's no picking out, it lives there.

• 50:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's weird. Yeah.

• 50:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:22Speaker 01

  Weird, anyway.

• 50:23Speaker 00

  Odd.

• 50:25Speaker 01

  Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous.

• 50:27Speaker 00

  Always.

• 50:27Speaker 01

  I have a story from when I went camping back when we lived in New Zealand with my auntie and uncle when I was about 13 and my siblings nine and seven.

• 50:35Speaker 00

  Wow, you've had a good life. That just sounds really adventurous and cool.

• 50:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, it sounds nice. I'd love to go to New Zealand, you know?

• 50:40Speaker 00

  Same.

• 50:41Speaker 01

  Yeah. Put it on my list.

• 50:43Speaker 00

  Fucking miles away, it's like days away, like time, it's like time away, isn't it?

• 50:48Speaker 01

  I know.

• 50:49Speaker 00

  And I hate coming back. I hate flying back so much, honestly. Like, I can't describe how much. I think the key is to, you know, sometimes if we go on a little road trip with the kids round the country, you know, that awful summer where we had that motorhome, where we'll go like, you know, you hop, so you go like.

• 51:08Speaker 01

  I still want another one, by the way.

• 51:09Speaker 00

  So you go like, we'll go to North Yorkshire, right, and then we'll go further down, and then we'll go bum, then we'll go south coast.

• 51:14Speaker 01

  You didn't enjoy that?

• 51:15Speaker 00

  Back up, no, and then we'll go back up and then, you know, we're back up North Yorkshire and then we're gone, so.

• 51:19Speaker 01

  You honestly, hand on heart, did not enjoy that?

• 51:22Speaker 00

  Nope.

• 51:22Speaker 01

  It was only because it was COVID you didn't enjoy it. If we did it now, you would love it.

• 51:25Speaker 00

  The only good thing about having a motorhome is you have your own toilet on the motorway. That's it. That's it. You go, I need to piss, I'll just pull over and I'm pissing in, I'm pissing in my vehicle. Eee, isn't that cool? But, you know, Pringles tin sorts that out. Not for long though, it does get soggy. I didn't enjoy it at all and I'll refuse to get another one.

• 51:43Speaker 01

  Man, I loved it.

• 51:43Speaker 00

  Point blank refused to get in that one.

• 51:46Speaker 01

  Loved it.

• 51:47Speaker 00

  Hated it. And the one we had was weird. It was French. So the door was on the other side.

• 51:51Speaker 01

  I'd rather that. I wouldn't get a motorhome again. I just want a caravan.

• 51:54Speaker 00

  Hmm. The door was on the other side. So we had to pull up the other way because

• 51:58Speaker 01

  Well, that was an error.

• 51:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, they're all on the same side, the door. So you open, we opened our door, you could see in everyone else's fucking toilet slash cupboard slash bed slash living room slash kitchen.

• 52:06Speaker 01

  Would you not get just a good lush caravan?

• 52:09Speaker 00

  No. Cause do you know what? They exist all over the country. They're called hotels. You literally said the other day, I wouldn't ever stay in a hotel. That's worse than me house. But you want to stay in a fucking tin of farts on wheels?

• 52:19Speaker 01

  I'm sorry. You think my caravan would be a tin of farts?

• 52:22Speaker 00

  All caravans are tin of farts.

• 52:23Speaker 01

  No, they're not. They'll be, it'll be lush. It'll be absolutely nip and clean and lush. I really want one. And then we can, we can just clamp it up. The kids are bigger now. We don't have to worry so much.

• 52:35Speaker 00

  They're dangerous to drive as well. The most crashes on motorways are, caravans are involved.

• 52:40Speaker 01

  Are they?

• 52:40Speaker 00

  Yeah. Na- ninety-eight percent, I read.

• 52:42Speaker 01

  No, is that bullshit?

• 52:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, I made, I just made that up.

• 52:45Speaker 01

  I've never drove past an accident on the road where there's a caravan. I have never.

• 52:48Speaker 00

  Loads of caravans.

• 52:49Speaker 01

  Never. No, don't Google it. Don't. I'm already upset. Why are you, why are you trying to ruin my life?

• 52:57Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 52:58Speaker 01

  What?

• 52:59Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 53:00Speaker 01

  It's tiny, isn't it?

• 53:02Speaker 00

  Wow, that's.

• 53:03Speaker 01

  Minuscule. What is it? Four percent? No, don't you dare swipe that off. Put, let me see. Let me see. Let me see, do not.

• 53:10Speaker 00

  Less than two point six percent.

• 53:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm really sorry. I got, I've got over height.

• 53:20Speaker 00

  What's the matter with you?

• 53:21Speaker 01

  I, I am due on.

• 53:23Speaker 00

  Right, okay, there it is. Right.

• 53:24Speaker 01

  Oh, it all makes sense.

• 53:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, always. All makes sense. But the thing you forget.

• 53:27Speaker 01

  Do you know what? I'm, I'm gonna get cancelled because I'm due on.

• 53:30Speaker 00

  You forget though. You do this all the time. You go, yeah, I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm this, I'm that, I'm this, I'm that. Oh, I'm due on. Every, but every month it's like you forget you have a period.

• 53:38Speaker 01

  I know. I think that's what they want me to do.

• 53:41Speaker 00

  Right.

• 53:41Speaker 01

  I think that's the whole point.

• 53:42Speaker 00

  You think periods want you to forget you have periods?

• 53:44Speaker 01

  No, I think it were biologically sort of programmed to forget.

• 53:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, okay. That makes sense. Oh, I read about this scruff in their stupid shithole caravan.

• 53:52Speaker 01

  I seen something the other day though, it's just camping, it's actually worse. Um, where it was like, um, you know how periods and women's sort of internal organs have been, um, they've done the least amount of research on them. Bearing in mind, the uterus literally is the only human organ that monthly sort of like refreshes itself, like gets rid of it, all of the coating and lining and then regenerates. It's the only human organ that regenerates monthly and they've hardly done any research on it whatsoever.

• 54:27Speaker 00

  Really?

• 54:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:29Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 54:30Speaker 01

  The, the, men have never, because men have all, you know, as, as far as it goes back in time, have always been in charge, they've never bothered to do research on the women, on

• 54:41Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 54:42Speaker 01

  the menstrual cycle.

• 54:45Speaker 00

  I don't know what to say to that.

• 54:47Speaker 01

  I think you should be ashamed of yourself, actually.

• 54:48Speaker 00

  Oh, sorry. Do you want us to get me, do you want us to get back in the lab?

• 54:50Speaker 01

  I think you should go back in time and you should have a chat with the lads and say, I think we probably need to look at this a bit more and they'll go, eh, why?

• 54:57Speaker 00

  What lads do you think I can talk to back in time? You think I can just get all the, all the?

• 55:02Speaker 01

  All the big, all the clever lads?

• 55:04Speaker 00

  All the biologists, yeah?

• 55:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, they were too busy looking at how to, eh, maintain erections and making medication for it.

• 55:11Speaker 00

  Mm hmm. Is that true?

• 55:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, of course it is. They've probably done more research on Viagra and stiffies than they have the, the female organs.

• 55:25Speaker 00

  Do you know 0.2%, 2.6% of accidents?

• 55:28Speaker 01

  Do you know what would make us feel better?

• 55:29Speaker 00

  What?

• 55:29Speaker 01

  If we bought a caravan?

• 55:31Speaker 00

  Right, okay. No.

• 55:33Speaker 01

  I forgive you. Shall we do this?

• 55:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, let's do it.

• 55:35Speaker 01

  Sorry, I'm sorry. Guys, I'm sorry. What the fuck? What the fuck? I am broke.

• 55:41Speaker 00

  And I don't know if them.

• 55:42Speaker 01

  I'm broke?

• 55:43Speaker 00

  I don't know if that.

• 55:43Speaker 01

  I'm angry, I'm broke and I'm, I'm, I can't be fixed.

• 55:47Speaker 00

  Until a week's time where you go, eh, I'm not on anymore. It's great. Caravans are shit, aren't they?

• 55:52Speaker 01

  I could cry, I'm literally gonna cry. I'm gonna cry.

• 55:55Speaker 00

  Don't cry.

• 55:56Speaker 01

  I'm just, I can't bear it, Chris.

• 55:57Speaker 00

  What?

• 55:58Speaker 01

  Just how much I'm, I'm a

• 56:01Speaker 01

  mess?

• 56:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, when you do one, I know, darling. But I understand. I understand. And you're still funny, you can still do your job. You're all good.

• 56:08Speaker 01

  Do you know what I've just remembered?

• 56:09Speaker 00

  What?

• 56:09Speaker 01

  I bought Time Out the other day. I'm gonna have one when we get in.

• 56:14Speaker 01

  There's none left.

• 56:17Speaker 00

  Rob, that's the chocolate bar Robert had last night, he had the last one. Oh fucking hell, I shouldn't have told her, I should have waited till after.

• 56:29Speaker 00

  She's, she's gone.

• 56:33Speaker 00

  She's actually crying, oh god. Listen, as soon as we finish this, I'll send the files off to Daisy, I'll run to the shop and I'll get you a time out. I'll get you one with two fingers in it, because you're like two fingers, didn't you?

• 56:46Speaker 00

  She's back in the room.

• 56:55Speaker 00

  Two fingers in the back of a caravan sums you up, right?

• 56:58Speaker 01

  Honestly, so easily pleased.

• 57:02Speaker 00

  Come on then, finish the story.

• 57:05Speaker 00

  Go on camping in New Zealand with their, when they lived there with their auntie and uncle and their siblings, go.

• 57:10Speaker 01

  We were camping in almost the middle of Norway. If, I would rather have a Tofu Chris.

• 57:18Speaker 01

  Just because I had thought I had them.

• 57:20Speaker 00

  As soon as I don't, I'll go straight to the shop, I promise.

• 57:24Speaker 01

  You might have to go to B and M because I don't think they do them, I think you have to buy them in big packets. They don't do them singularly in the shops anymore, but whatever, thank you, love you mate, okay. We were camping in almost the middle of Norway, so we had.

• 57:36Speaker 00

  I've just remembered, I've just remembered my clubs, I'm asking, can I quickly finish, clean my clubs? I'll get them out of the sink and then I'll go.

• 57:42Speaker 01

  We had to bring our own camping toilet, which we managed.

• 57:46Speaker 00

  Oh, glamorous.

• 57:47Speaker 01

  Despite forgetting we needed a tent to go with it. We then had to improvise with a normal tent, which was quite notably shorter than one normally used.

• 57:56Speaker 00

  Sorry, so, right, so they've brought a camping toilet, gross. Um, and then you need, the camping toilet needs to go in its own tent.

• 58:04Speaker 01

  Yes, apparently so.

• 58:05Speaker 00

  Delicious, um, so they've instead.

• 58:11Speaker 00

  So. I'm only just learning it. So.

• 58:16Speaker 01

  But it's shorter.

• 58:17Speaker 00

  Right. So they've done a normal one, which obviously you can't sit up in on a toilet.

• 58:21Speaker 01

  I'm guessing, yeah.

• 58:22Speaker 00

  Oh, God, and this is a fucking holiday. Stop it.

• 58:27Speaker 01

  All is well. My sister and I are playing catch with a frisbee not far from the spot in which we were camping. My sister throws the frisbee too far, so I go to retrieve it. As I'm going to retrieve it, I happen to look in the direction of the toilet. I then, to my horror, see my uncle pantless outside the toilet tent wiping his arse out in the oven.

• 58:55Speaker 00

  We're all going on a summer holiday. There's your uncle wiping his arse crack. You forgot the bog pencil will shit in the normal one for a week or two. It'll stink of poo. Awful.

• 59:15Speaker 00

  What a horrible way to live.

• 59:17Speaker 01

  I, I unfortunately saw his bare backside as well as my younger sister. Our auntie then lures us away as we hear her yell at him in the distance. I assume the reasoning behind his behaviour was because he was simply too tall to wipe inside the tent.

• 59:36Speaker 00

  Oh, God.

• 59:37Speaker 01

  But I still don't understand why he did it in round eight, about eight kids. Our cousins were also there. Uh, you might be a bit. Um, this image is still embedded into mine and my sister's to this day. And we still joke about it every now and again.

• 59:50Speaker 00

  See him now. I can see him. Big, white, pale arse, standing outside of the tent that he's just like crawled out. So he's shat in it. He's crawled out of it with a shitty arse and he's standing outside of it. How can his arse crack and then put it? God almighty, going staying at B and B? Oh, for fu- honestly, I refuse to holiday anywhere where there isn't actual plumbing.

• 1:00:17Speaker 00

  I refuse, I'll only, I'll only just go to Greece where you've got to put it in the bin, where you've got to put the bog roll in the bin next to toilet, that's upsetting. Um, I, I am not, I am not spending my free time anywhere where I'm not shitting into work and plumbing. And I'm, and I'm not going back on that.

• 1:00:32Speaker 01

  But the irony is, on most camp sites, there is toilets, there is plumbing and toilets.

• 1:00:35Speaker 00

  Oh, great, yeah, the communal toilet, yeah, definitely, aye, alright, yeah, a hundred percent. Yeah, alright, then, okay.

• 1:00:40Speaker 01

  Don't sack them off, because honestly, some of them are really lovely, you can't, I think, um...

• 1:00:44Speaker 00

  It's personal preference, it's personal preference.

• 1:00:45Speaker 01

  Okay, but I, alright, well, we'll disagree on that, because I think camping in a caravan's like mint, I think it's class. And I think kids love it, but this is grim, this is upsetting.

• 1:00:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:53Speaker 01

  The, the camping toilet in the tent that's too big for the uncle is very upsetting. And I would be really upset if I'd gone to catch me little frisbee when I was nine and I saw me uncle wiping his arse, that would really upset me.

• 1:01:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's ruined my day and I'm not even related to the man.

• 1:01:05Speaker 01

  It's awful. It's really bad. And, and you know, and he probably has a job in that and he probably, you know, he's probably paid to go there.

• 1:01:14Speaker 00

  My point is, these places are filled with people who will happily wipe their arse out in the open, and that's me issue, and I'm not going.

• 1:01:20Speaker 01

  Fair enough.

• 1:01:21Speaker 00

  There you go.

• 1:01:21Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:01:22Speaker 00

  There you go.

• 1:01:23Speaker 01

  Would you have just bent down in the tent?

• 1:01:24Speaker 00

  I wouldn't have gone.

• 1:01:25Speaker 01

  Well, okay, but you, alright, you have to have gone.

• 1:01:27Speaker 00

  Did I went, Uncle Chris, are you coming on holiday? And I went, where? Did I went, camping, we're taking a ca- stop you there, stop you there, I'm not coming.

• 1:01:36Speaker 01

  And then everyone would have slyly gone, oh, get in.

• 1:01:39Speaker 00

  Good, yeah, yeah. And they come back and they go, oh, we forgot the tent for the toilet, I go, class, you know what I did? I shat in me toilet in the house, it's great.

• 1:01:48Speaker 01

  You're such a miserable bastard.

• 1:01:50Speaker 00

  I'm not, I'm not doing it.

• 1:01:50Speaker 01

  Oh, you're a snob, you're a snob?

• 1:01:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:53Speaker 00

  Hundred percent.

• 1:01:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:54Speaker 00

  Hundred percent.

• 1:01:55Speaker 01

  Just glad that everyone knows.

• 1:01:56Speaker 00

  Yeah. Oh, oh, oh, Chris Ramsey showed his true colours, one shit in a, one shit in a small tent that you've got to squat into the middle of the field and wipe your arse with all nature to see. Oh, snob, yeah, full snob. If that's being a snob, I, call me a snob.

• 1:02:11Speaker 01

  You've always been a snob, actually, you've never, yeah.

• 1:02:12Speaker 00

  Monkey, monkey, camping toilet, oh god, someone's got to clean that, someone's got to clean that.

• 1:02:19Speaker 01

  Probably him.

• 1:02:21Speaker 00

  Ah.

• 1:02:23Speaker 01

  Babadu babadu babadu.

• 1:02:27Speaker 01

  Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode. I'm sorry, I'm a bit emotional. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know what's going on.

• 1:02:34Speaker 00

  Let them all know that you're actually okay, you're just a little annoyed.

• 1:02:36Speaker 01

  I'm fine, I'm absolutely fine.

• 1:02:37Speaker 00

  I'm gonna go and get your toffee crisp now.

• 1:02:37Speaker 01

  Yes, thank you darling.

• 1:02:38Speaker 00

  Everything's gonna be good. Yeah, so there we go. Guys, my tour is on sale now. I'm going out September, October, November. And I think a little bit of the beginning of December as well.

• 1:02:49Speaker 01

  Can't remember.

• 1:02:50Speaker 00

  All over the UK, places I've been before, places I've never been. They're all on my website, chrisramseycomedy.com.

• 1:02:55Speaker 01

  It's really good.

• 1:02:56Speaker 00

  Thank you very much.

• 1:02:57Speaker 01

  And I've got J and S next week.

• 1:02:58Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:02:59Speaker 01

  So if you like the theatre and you're in South Shields, if you wanna come, you can come.

• 1:03:03Speaker 00

  Mainly, but mainly chrisramseycomedy.com for tickets for September. And save your money, save your money. Don't worry about the J and S. You've heard the saying on here, go to the Chris Ramsey Club. I'm drunk.

• 1:03:14Speaker 01

  It's called Hey Mister Composer, it's at the Custos House in South Shields.

• 1:03:17Speaker 00

  I'll be going with the D and it'll be good.

• 1:03:18Speaker 01

  You will?

• 1:03:18Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:03:19Speaker 01

  Yeah. No, it's amateur, it's amateur dramatics. It's not, it's not gonna blow your mind.

• 1:03:23Speaker 00

  Again, mine is professional.

• 1:03:24Speaker 01

  It's very lovely and it's supporting local theatre.

• 1:03:26Speaker 00

  Professional top flight comedy supporting a local lad.

• 1:03:28Speaker 01

  It's not a competition. There's months between them.

• 1:03:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, just in case.

• 1:03:32Speaker 01

  Great.

• 1:03:32Speaker 00

  Just in case you put them all off.

• 1:03:34Speaker 01

  Great.

• 1:03:34Speaker 00

  Here's singing. Do sad songs, I bet you do.

• 1:03:37Speaker 01

  Loads of sad songs.

• 1:03:38Speaker 00

  Guys, we'll be back in your ears next week.

• 1:03:40Speaker 01

  Bye.

• 1:03:43Speaker 07

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• 1:04:43Speaker 05

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