Grief and Relationships | Sex PharmD

This episode explores how to navigate grief and how it can impact relationships including the one with yourself. Link to Hope Edelman's book "Motherless Daughters" https://www.hopeedelman.com/books Link to Emma Hemming Willis' book "The Unexpected Journey" https://emmahemingwillis.com/the-unexpected-journey/Link to Rx Meter Product Sleep Spray: https://myplusone.com/products/restful-sleep-magnesium-spray TzrIckmic7Yeigg0uagt

• 0:05Speaker 00

  You are listening to the global network of podcasters dedicated to the pharmacy profession. Welcome to the pharmacy podcast network.

• 0:37Speaker 01

  This is the Sex Farm D podcast with your host, Dr. Nadia Archimbal, licensed clinical pharmacist and certified sex therapist. With a focus on women's sexual health and wellness, Dr. A is here to cover important health topics and answer all of your questions about subjects that can be applied to pharmacy practice. And now here's Dr. A.

• 0:58Speaker 02

  Hello and welcome to another episode of Sex Farm D. I am your host, Dr. Nadia Archimbal. Today's episode is going to be about grief and relationships, and that can be with other people and the relationship you have with yourself. I wanted to do this episode since I recently lost my mom and I have been navigating my own grief. I've seen how grief can affect relationships and I feel it is very important to address this. I heard this quote that really resonated with me. Grief doesn't listen to time. It's always there. You just learn to live with it most days and then once in a while it knocks the wind out of you.

• 1:42Speaker 02

  And I feel like this resonated a lot with me. So, one big question is, how do we move on from a big loss? And thinking about that, it's, the answer is not really about moving on or forgetting, but it's really just more moving forward and how to incorporate and handle the grief into your day so you can still live a positive and meaningful life. I really think that's important. I think it's important to not try to forget or push away the feelings. During this journey I've been on with my mom being sick and losing her, I came across

• 2:27Speaker 02

  a book written by Hope Edelman. And she wrote this book called Motherless Daughters. And in this book, she talks about losing her mother at age 17. And it talks about why your age at the time of loss is the most defining factor in how your, the loss of your mother shapes you. So, basically, you know, she lost her mother at a young age. I was very lucky to have had my mom as long as I did now at age 44. So I've had her for 44 years. So everybody, you know, loses people at different times and stages of their lives and that

• 3:11Speaker 02

  can really be defining in your, in your personal growth. And in the book, she, she terms it crossing the silent threshold, which is when you begin to outlive your deceased parent. So, for example, my mom died at age 73. So when I am nearing that age of 73, if, if God willing, I can, I can make it that far, there's going to be what's called this whole mental shift that takes place.

• 3:53Speaker 02

  And when you experience this rite of passage or crossing that silent threshold, Edelman says, it's, it's normal to grow fearful about dying or experience like another new type of mourning when you're thinking about the age, when you are the age of when you lost, of when that person passed away. And she recommends that honoring this silent threshold by naming it and recognizing it when it comes is very, very important. And I actually had learned about this in my sex therapy training, which was very interesting

• 4:34Speaker 02

  because at first I was like, well, why, why, what does this have to do with sex therapy? Well, we studied, we had a case study of a male who had depression and sex addiction, and it all started around when he turned the age his father was when he died. So, for example, and I don't remember, it was like somewhere in his 50s. So, let's say his father died at 53, when he was turning, close to turning that age or turning that age is when that all started. So I thought that was very interesting. I never really thought about that before, and we talked about it in sex therapy.

• 5:12Speaker 02

  And, and once that patient was able to identify that and realize that with, working with his therapist, he was able to kind of move forward and start a healing process. Some people, you know, were calling it midlife crisis, but it was actually more that he was internalizing and grieving his dad all over again. And then also, I want to address that for women, grief during menopause is often unacknowledged.

• 5:53Speaker 02

  And this is a, this is a grief over the loss of youth, a sense of youth, a sense of fertility, a sense of identity. The emotional weight can be increased because we have our estrogen levels declining, brain chemicals can be altered, like your serotonin, and this lowers your, your body's physical ability to manage stress. And this is something that goes unrecognized also, and I think it's important for us to recognize it.

• 6:36Speaker 02

  I saw this whole, this whole term in Japan, in Japanese medicine, menopause is called, and I'm probably mispronouncing this, so if anyone knows how to pronounce it correctly, please let me know. It's called konneki, and they call it the years of renewal. And I thought that was really cool. So rather than treating it as a medical disease, menopause being a medical disease, Japanese culture views it as a natural life transition. And the women in Japanese culture typically manage this whole phase of their life through traditional diet, herbal medicines, and holistic lifestyle habits.

• 7:17Speaker 02

  And some of the goals in the diet to help this are ways to control blood sugar. So, you know, stopping, when you're stopping insulin spikes that lead to that belly fat storage, crashes in energy, another goal of that is to support gut health, supporting that gut microbiome, and that helps the body process shifting hormones like estrogen. And then diet to reduce inflammation, easing puffiness, that sluggishness you have after

• 7:59Speaker 02

  digesting food, mood swings, and you know, they focus on clean hydration, whole nutrients, real food. And I don't want to get too much into diet because this, this is about, this podcast is about grief, but when I was navigating this, I, I thought it was interesting where they have, and this can help you also, because if you're, if you're in a grieving time, your body's going through a lot of stress, so it is important to eliminate any type of triggers that will increase your blood sugar, so that will spike blood sugar. And it is often easy for people to turn to alcohol, processed foods, convenience foods,

• 8:43Speaker 02

  comfort foods, when they are grieving. So try as much as you can to cut out added sugars, those artificial sweeteners, things like that. You want to prioritize eating protein, high fiber, healthy fats, and other natural foods that, or probiotics, fermented foods that help with balancing the gut and supporting natural hormone production.

• 9:15Speaker 02

  And then, of course, during times of grief, it, you know, sleep is so hard.

• 9:22Speaker 02

  So that's another thing that's so, so important for people is to focus on sleep. Uh, moving, walking is a good one. Um, if you can, depending on where you live or what time of year it is with the weather, taking a walk outside is so helpful. I know that's been really helpful for me. I have a dog, so I'll walk my dog. When I'm going through a period where I'm really just getting very emotional about my mom and thinking about it. Um, it really helps to get outside. Um, and it doesn't have to be like rigorous exercise. I'm a, I'm a runner. I love running too, so that helps me.

• 10:05Speaker 02

  But walking can be really powerful, especially walking in nature. And then, of course, drinking a lot of water, staying hydrated. Um, I switch to herbal tea at night rather than a glass of wine or alcohol, and that helps my sleep a lot. So self-care is very important when you are grieving. And I think people forget about that too. They almost think it's selfish, um, to focus on them. You know, when they're trying to focus on the actual grieving that person, trying to get everything done. Um, there's a lot involved when you have loss,

• 10:46Speaker 02

  such as funeral preparation, making sure other people are being taken care of and your family. Um, so it is, self-care is really important and, and people should not feel guilty about that. Um, I've talked about this before in other podcast episodes where, you know, that whole, when you're on an airplane and the flight attendant, when the oxygen, if there's an emergency and the oxygen mask comes down, put the oxygen mask on you first before your, you know, ones that you're caring for, such as children or a parent or, or anyone like that, if you're a caretaker. Because if you're not the best version of yourself, they're not going to be okay. So I think that's really, that's really important too.

• 11:31Speaker 02

  You, you have to incorporate self-care and it's not selfish to take care of you also. Because if you can be the best version of you, then those that you're caring for will, will feel that energy also.

• 11:48Speaker 02

  So going back to different types of grief, it's also important to address,

• 11:57Speaker 02

  when, during menopause with women going through, um, that midlife grief that some people get. And, and this is also for males too. So for females, it's that loss of fertility. You know, you're closing a chapter of the reproductive stage of your life. Um, even if you didn't want more children or never wanted children, um, it's still, it's still a whole mental and physical change that you're going through. Um, for anybody, you're going through an identity shift. You're saying goodbye to your younger self, maybe some past roles that were tied to caregiving or, or, you know, on a physical level. And when you have a law, a loved one that maybe you've been caring for, for a long time, when they pass away,

• 12:42Speaker 02

  you're not only grieving that person, but you're no longer in that caretaker mode. And that's a whole shift also that needs to be recognized. Um, when you go through your physical changes, you know, you're adjusting to your body changing, your energy's lower. So these are all things that can affect, um, your, your grief, uh, that can affect your, your life. And then essentially that affects relationships too. Um, and again, you know, that brain chemistry for women, lower estrogen and progesterone levels that directly affects your mood regulating pathways in the nervous system.

• 13:25Speaker 02

  And you have also a, it's a reduced resilience to that everyday stress. When you think back like, wow, how did I get through, how did I get through college when I was younger? How did I do that? Because your body was different, your brain, brain chemistry was different. So things can, might start to feel slower, harder to carry, heavier to carry mentally and physically.

• 13:48Speaker 02

  Um, so I've worked with couples who have experienced loss or, and individuals who experienced loss. And

• 14:01Speaker 02

  that, you know, the first thing that I think is important is to name the loss, acknowledge that loss and sadness. Um, once you put a name on it, you can start addressing it. Um, again, prioritizing that self-care. Um, and I also, of course, recommend if someone were to come, you know, a friend were to come to me and they've just gone through this, I think it's very important to seek mental health, a, a mental health professional or medical support.

• 14:32Speaker 02

  And with couples, uh, I've seen a horrible profound grief of losing a child, miscarriage, um, losing a child after they're born as a baby, as at any, at any point, stage in the childhood. That is a whole other type of loss. And you, you know, you never get over any loss. Um, and I've seen people grow apart. Um, it can end up in divorce. Um, it can end up in a lot of hard times for couples. Um, because each individual grieves differently. So apart, partners may grieve differently. One may, you know, e- express that outward sorrow,

• 15:17Speaker 02

  while others maybe want more routine or internalize it and just want quiet and alone time. And it really is important to recognize, for partners to recognize that just because you grieve one way and the person grieves another way, does not mean it's a lack of care. So for example, uh, one person may, you know, just want alone time or they, they want quiet time. And the other person may want to just talk about it and cry openly. And they may think that that other person who wants the quiet time doesn't care. And that's not the case at all. And that, that happens more often than not. Um, and, and it's important to understand grieving styles.

• 16:01Speaker 02

  So again, some people have that. They want to express it outwardly. They want to talk about memories. They need constant verbal processing. Um, other people may throw, you know, if they're workaholics, they kind of distract themselves with work. They want quiet routines. Um, I'm kind of a little bit of both. I like my quiet time. Um, and, you know, some people might see that as that I'm withdrawing. But for me, I like to just sometimes be alone with my animals. And that makes, that can help me grieve and, and I can seek, I can, it kind of puts me in a routine uh, where getting that comfort from my animals, going to work.

• 16:46Speaker 02

  Um, that helps me stabilize my, my thoughts. Um, so, you know, it's, it's very important for partners to express their opinion of what the other person is going through in a therapy session. Um, and that may help them connect more. And, and this kind of goes back to the love languages where everyone has a different love language style. And just because you are a physical touch person and you're giving that person physical touch, doesn't mean that's their love language. So it's important to know that too with grieving style. It's the same kind of thing. Um, and then it's also important

• 17:28Speaker 02

  when couples are together, communication is so, so important. So you want to name, name what you're going through, say what you feel uh, in a session or with your partner. Always ask instead of assume, ask them if they want company, ask them if they want space. That's important too. You can offer small choices. So, uh, sometimes people suffer from what's called decision fatigue. That's definitely something that I have experienced where they can't even figure out what they want to eat for dinner. They can't even figure out what they're doing for the day.

• 18:09Speaker 02

  Um, you're planning the funeral and you can't figure out what time to have the services. So that's, that's a big thing too. So it's, it's nice to help someone with that. If you, if you have a loved one who's experiencing grieving or loss, or you're really good with that decision-making, um, process, definitely, you know, help that person or offer to help. Um, and it's important with couples, partners, um, to use I statement. So speak about your own overwhelm instead of blaming the other person. So instead of saying, um, this is crazy, this is too much, I don't know why you're doing this.

• 18:54Speaker 02

  Just you, it's, it's good to say, I am feeling overwhelmed because. So using the I statement is, is a good way to, to offset potential for an argument. Um, and with couples, setting boundaries or with family members, setting boundaries. Um, recognizing everyone's individual pain, accepting that everyone has their own way of coping. Um, I liked this wording that I saw. It said, um, accept that other people have their own unique relationship to the loss. And I thought relationship to the loss is very powerful. Everyone has their own relationship with it.

• 19:37Speaker 02

  Um, under, you know, you may definitely with setting boundaries, make sure that everyone feels like they're in a safe space. Um, it is no excuse for abuse, violent behavior and things like that. So know that that's not okay if someone is treating you like that.

• 19:56Speaker 02

  And you have to let go of perfection. So you have to accept that you're not, you're both not going to agree, or if there's multiple people involved in a family, there's not going to be 100% agreement on every memorial, every ritual, funeral service style, there's just gravestone that you're picking out, casket that you're picking out, if they want to be cremated, what, what, you know, all of those things. It's kind of like wedding planning and I've seen it literally destroy relationships. Sometimes it can like cause so much strain on the couples. It can cause so much strain on other people involved and it's just not worth it.

• 20:39Speaker 02

  So you have to sometimes just agree to disagree. So I think that's, those are some important things also that I've seen help during times of grief is that communication and setting boundaries are the, are the two really big ones. And again, not comparing one or the other. You know, if you're crying a lot, the other person isn't crying, doesn't mean that they're not upset, does not mean that at all. Another book I came across that really came into my life

• 21:19Speaker 02

  at a, at, at a very important time when my mom was getting sick, was Emma Hemming Willis, she's the wife of Bruce Willis, and she wrote a book called The Unexpected Journey. And you know, even though she's, you know, this is like celebrity status people, she really is just a regular person like everyone else. And she does admit that she has, you know, a lot more help, help and money and resources than some other people. But at the end of the day, she was treated a lot the same that everyone else is. She talked about how she left the doctor's office after so,

• 22:00Speaker 02

  just trying to figure out what Bruce Willis had, what was causing all these things. And he had, he ended up finally getting diagnosed with what's called frontal temporal dementia. And she left the doctor's office with a pamphlet. That was it. And she was on her own. And this is something that we need to address in our healthcare system where you're handed, you're literally given a specific amount of time to, you know, doctor may say, oh, you have about three months to live, you know, or you know, you're, you're given basically a death sentence with like

• 22:39Speaker 02

  a dementia type of slow, slow burn of, of a way to die. And you, you're given a pamphlet. And I, you know, that really hit me, you know, I, I couldn't believe it. But I could because we've all experienced it. There was no follow-up, you know, no, no real phone calls or, you know, here's a pamphlet with a website about dementia and some resources to go to. And that was it. And so she had to kind of navigate this on her own. And she talks about how it's okay to ask for help.

• 23:21Speaker 02

  You know, they have children and it's okay to have self-care. It's okay to take some time for yourself. And of course, she also says, you know, she has, you know, more time and money than some other people are, and she felt very fortunate for that. But for a while, she thought she had, she felt like she had to do everything herself or else she would feel very guilty. And I thought that was very interesting. So that's a good book. I'm going to put that in the show notes also. She also talks about how, she never even thought about this before.

• 24:03Speaker 02

  But when you're, you, you have someone who's lost a significant other, lost a loved one, and you ask, you know, let me know how you need anything, if you need anything, I'm here for you. You know, and those are great check-ins. But she was getting, she talks about how she was kind of getting sick of people saying like, how are you doing? Well, that's a pretty simple answer, not great. So it kind of made her realize, you know, wow, I actually usually ask that all the, you know, I, I've done that before. And she thought, you know, what would, something that would have been helpful for her would be if someone reached out to her and said, these are, these are three things I can do for you.

• 24:47Speaker 02

  Instead of saying, let me know if you need anything, saying, you know, like, I can come by with some food tomorrow around one o'clock. Or I would like to drop off some food for you. Maybe food isn't a helpful thing. Maybe it's just, hey, I was thinking I, I'd like, you know, to help you out and watch the kids for a few hours. Or feed the cat or whatever, you know? And I thought that was really interesting because I've done that too, where it's like, how are you feeling? Let me know if you need anything. And instead of just keeping it more and more open-ended question with, or statement where, hey, these are some ways I can help. How can, how can I help?

• 25:29Speaker 02

  So I liked that actually, I thought that was, that was really powerful. And it, I, I actually thought it was a very helpful book. And then I'll also put that book by Hope Edelman, who wrote Motherless Daughters, another really great book. So those are just some thoughts I had and I wanted to share with you all. I hope maybe some of you who are listening, there's maybe at least one thing that you can take away from this that you find helpful or useful because the grieving process is, is so, so hard. And it really affects relationships and it can affect relationships you have

• 26:14Speaker 02

  with other people and most importantly, with yourself. And know that it's okay to, to seek professional help. Seek outside help, ask for help. That's really important. And asking people directly what they need or your partner, instead of, you know, making people guess. So I think that's really important. On that note, I wanted to do our RX meter. And since when you are grieving, sleep is such a, such a hard thing to have,

• 26:57Speaker 02

  to get good sleep, you know, some people need prescription medication. I try to go the more natural route. And I've always loved magnesium. Taking a magnesium supplement at bedtime to help relax muscles, reduce anxiety. I suffer from restless legs, so that, that's helped me a lot. But I came across this spray and you spray it on your body. It's a body mist. And I, I'll put this in the notes. I found this one through, I actually found it original on Amazon. But then I found the company, it's called Plus One. And they have all types of wellness care.

• 27:41Speaker 02

  They have, they even have, they have massagers, they have sex toys. I mean, for men and women, it's, it's a really, I was like, wow, this is a pretty cool, pretty cool company. So I found this spray, it's called Restful Sleep Magnesium Body Spray, and it's $9.99. So it's really not that expensive, which is great. And it's, there's, and so there's no melatonin. And I can't do melatonin because I get really weird vivid dreams. I can't take a lot of those PM, over the counters, anything with Benadryl, like the diphenhydramine or anything like that. It just makes me groggy and everybody's different. Everybody's different. But this has magnesium.

• 28:25Speaker 02

  So that helps relax your muscles, helps reduce anxiety. It has lavender, which promotes relaxation and a sense of calm. Lavender is very popular and actually I know in Italy and also having been over to Portugal a lot, a lot of people use lavender. They put some lavender drops on their pillow or spray. And that helps promote relaxation. And then it also has ashwagandha, which can help regulate the body's stress response. So you basically spray this, I spray it like on my feet and my legs. It tells you like how many sprays to use, usually three to four sprays.

• 29:10Speaker 02

  You can just, sometimes I just missed it over my pillow. And I really like it. It's a clean formula. It has no parabens, doesn't have any, anything that's animal derived. Or, and it's, and I, I like it because I'm not ingesting it. It's just, it's a spray. It does get absorbed into the body, but it's just in a different way. So I will post that also so you can see the product. And if there's a way, I know they, they offer like a percentage off, like a 15 percentage off if you subscribe to it. So you get like a, I don't know if it, I don't, I think you can do delivery every month

• 29:54Speaker 02

  or every two months, so you do get a discount on that also. So I just wanted to share that. And on an RX meter, I would, I would say for me, it's a nine. It's not perfect, you know, I still have some nights where I can't sleep. But for me, it's, it's probably been the best thing I've tried as far as holistic approach. That's non-prescription route. So I'll post that in the show notes also. And I hope you all have a, a great day. I hope this podcast was able to provide you with something that you can take away with and that you find useful. And for those of you that are currently grieving the loss of a loved one,

• 30:37Speaker 02

  you are not alone. Just, just know that you're never alone. Have a beautiful day, everybody.