Pod Insights Personally Resurrection, Episode 7: Mustang Zero-One About this episode We share Daryl's play with the world.
The creation of this podcast was made possible thanks to the financial support of the Conseildes arts de Montréal, le Conseil des arts et des lettres du Québec, and the Canada Council for the Arts.
Transcript 7,896 words · 12 speakers
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0:31 Speaker 01 This is a CBC Podcast.
0:35 Speaker 02 Hey, everyone. Just a heads up. This is another episode about war. There are parts of it that are really intense. Violence, death, trauma. Just be aware of that when you listen. Welcome back to Resurrection. Have you ever destroyed something in an effort to save it? Maybe a plant. You saw it wilting, so you gave it water, not realizing that it was already drowning. Or maybe a relationship. A partner who needed more space, but all you could do was suffocate them with more love. I've been guilty of that one. Well, I think that's one of the best ways to describe what the United States did in Vietnam. Destroyed something in an effort to save it. Destroyed a country, a people, destroyed lives and families, destroyed its own young
1:20 Speaker 02 servicemen. Destroyed in an effort to save. Throughout this podcast, we've been uncovering the life story of one man who was deeply impacted by the Vietnam War. A playwright, Daryl Allen. He wrote plays about his time serving in Vietnam, but he passed away in 1991 before any of his plays were produced professionally. In this episode, we're going to change that. Daryl spent years of his life working on a play called Mustang 01. He wrote the final version of this play in 1991, the same year he died. This was one of the last plays he worked on. But I found Mustang mentioned years before this in a letter Daryl wrote to his then-wife, Janet Allen, in 1977.
2:03 Speaker 01 I plan to stay in Kansas for at least three weeks. It will take that long, I'm sure, to get the draft of the new play. It's all of what happened in Thailand. So strange. I thought all that was dead, but it's not.
2:16 Speaker 02 But of course, Daryl doesn't get his draft done in three weeks. I can actually track the progress of Mustang over the years through Daryl's letters.
2:24 Speaker 01 May 5, 1980. I sure would like to get a draft of Mustang out that I can peddle around.
2:29 Speaker 02 It takes Daryl way more than three weeks to get Mustang finished.
2:33 Speaker 01 April 6, 1981. I have started a new play, and of course, I still am working on Mustang.
2:40 Speaker 02 It takes more than five years for Daryl to finish his draft.
2:44 Speaker 01 March 5, 1982. Mustang is drafted. I am reading it publicly here in Albuquerque Sunday afternoon.
2:52 Speaker 02 Five years. It took five years to finish the first draft of Mustang. And Daryl wouldn't finish the final draft until nine more years had passed. In the last episode, we went through the first scene of Mustang 01. The play is set in the operations room of the radar site at Udorn Air Force Base in Thailand. It's exactly where Daryl was stationed during the Vietnam War in 1967. And we met a character from the play who's based off Daryl himself, Captain Robert McCarthy.
3:22 Speaker 01 God, Sarge. I hate it when they're in there.
3:24 Speaker 02 And we learned how much Robert cared for and protected the serviceman under his care.
3:30 Speaker 01 Yellow 2-1, you will immediately follow all orders given by my director at all times, or I'll get you on the ground.
3:36 Speaker 02 God, Robert, thanks.
3:38 Speaker 01 Let me know if there's any more trouble.
3:39 Speaker 02 But Robert's position as senior director of the brig and Bravo crew at the radar site at Udorn Air Force Base, it was brutally stressful.
3:47 Speaker 03 Mustang 01, hit by anti-aircraft fire.
3:50 Speaker 01 How bad?
3:50 Speaker 02 Robert was the person responsible for deciding which aircraft were allowed to land and in what order.
3:56 Speaker 01 Russ, Snake Wolf 03 back. You'll bring him in last instead.
3:59 Speaker 02 God damn it, Wolf will follow the fucking sky! And sometimes this meant that he had to turn away damaged aircraft, condemning them to crash. Captain, lost contact with Wolf 03. In this episode, we're gonna dive deeper into Daryl's play. We won't be going through the entire play. It was written for theater. This is a podcast. Doesn't always translate. But we're gonna focus in on one of the stories from the play that works. And just so happens to be my favorite kind of story.
4:27 Speaker 01 You asked when I was gonna write my gay play?
4:31 Speaker 01 This is it.
4:32 Speaker 02 The Gay Story. We're gonna meet the pilot behind the aircraft called Mustang 01. Today's episode is gonna be excerpts from Daryl's play, adapted for radio by me, with editorial support from Janet Allen and Dan Wiley. And we're gonna start with a scene that takes place a few hours after the first scene. After Wolf 03 goes down, Robert and the Brigham Bravo crew end up working late, running a rescap. A rescap is a rescue operation to retrieve the pilot who went down during their shift. After the rescap, Robert goes to the officer's club, a kind of bar. Maybe there's some music playing, where officers could wind down and have a few drinks after their shift. Or, in Robert's case, more than a few drinks, which quickly becomes apparent to his friend Julie,
5:17 Speaker 02 a nurse stationed at the base with him. Julie is at the officer's club, toasting champagne with another young man, when Robert interrupts.
5:25 Speaker 01 How are you, doll?
5:26 Speaker 04 Robert, where have you been lately?
5:28 Speaker 01 The goddamn rescaps have run so long, I haven't been able to get away until very, very late. But I somehow always find time for triple martinis.
5:35 Speaker 04 Triples?
5:37 Speaker 01 My wages for getting through the day, you see.
5:38 Speaker 04 My god, Robert. I never knew those were triples. Paul Carter, meet Robert McCarthy. Join us.
5:46 Speaker 01 Hello.
5:47 Speaker 04 Robert's with Brigham, senior director.
5:49 Speaker 01 Which crew?
5:50 Speaker 04 The grand and glorious Bravo crew, of course.
5:52 Speaker 01 So, at last, I get to meet the bastard!
5:56 Speaker 04 Paul!
5:56 Speaker 01 I beg your pardon? The bastard! Brigham, quite a reputation you have. Are you serious?
6:01 Speaker 04 Robert, honey, that's your nickname, among the pilots.
6:04 Speaker 01 Just what in the hell? Do you know who you directly ordered to turn in the Yellow tanker today? Some asshole. General Wright! Why is that old fart flying, anyway?
6:14 Speaker 04 What's happened now?
6:15 Speaker 05 I was in Mustang 01.
6:17 Speaker 01 You were that idiot? We couldn't get to the goddamn tanker?
6:19 Speaker 05 We were going on Yellow to refuel for a run back in.
6:22 Speaker 01 What's the matter? Couldn't take your snapshots the first time?
6:25 Speaker 04 Robert!
6:26 Speaker 05 We were just coming out, and you could tell the controller was getting shook. Nothing going right, our radios had gone out, but the tanker kept ignoring him. He kept telling Yellow to turn.
6:35 Speaker 01 He's just a kid.
6:35 Speaker 05 And all at once, this base voice comes over the radio. Yellow 2-1, this is Brigham Senior Director. I order you port 090 degrees now! Uh, Roger, turning port 090. Then, this voice of God again. Yellow 2-1, you will immediately follow all directions given from Brigham, or you'll hear from me! Ha, ha, ha, God! It was hilarious! We knew the old bastard was on duty, all right.
7:02 Speaker 01 I don't believe I care for your sense of humor.
7:03 Speaker 04 Robert, did you really do that?
7:06 Speaker 01 It's not my fault the major prerequisite of becoming a flying jock is to have no brains whatsoever.
7:10 Speaker 05 Don't take it so personal. Besides, we feel better if you're on. You're on a tight show.
7:15 Speaker 01 Tell my goddamn Colonel that.
7:17 Speaker 04 Are you and Colonel Marsh at it again?
7:19 Speaker 01 Hell, we never stop.
7:20 Speaker 04 Robert, love, you're awfully drunk tonight.
7:23 Speaker 01 I know, Julie.
7:26 Speaker 01 It's the only way.
7:28 Speaker 05 Only way?
7:29 Speaker 01 Do you, sir, like the war?
7:32 Speaker 05 What?
7:33 Speaker 01 Do you like this goddamn war?
7:38 Speaker 05 I haven't really...
7:39 Speaker 01 Isn't that just like a goddamn jock, Julie? You sense how much they love all this crap?
7:43 Speaker 04 Please, Robert, let's not get into it.
7:45 Speaker 01 Look around you, here in the club, the jocks are having a ball! They seem to enjoy putting their life on the line, time after time, for that magical 100. It only seems to bother the rest of us, the ones who are safe. The commies are too smart to attack Udon. They know we're doing such a lousy job without their help. And all the goddamn jocks are getting all the goddamn fun out of it!
8:06 Speaker 04 Robert, lower your voice. You're going to get into another fight.
8:09 Speaker 01 Maybe it would help if we were being shot at. Perhaps that would make it enjoyable. Then we would have some sort of reason for the whole fucking mess.
8:19 Speaker 05 Things have been... pretty rough, over there, haven't they? All the rest caps we've been having?
8:25 Speaker 01 Yesterday was the worst.
8:28 Speaker 01 I sat down at that goddamn place at 5 a.m. to get the briefing ready, and a fucking rest cap started at 5 o'clock in the morning. Before I knew it, it was 8 o'clock last night! I hadn't eaten. I hadn't even taken a goddamn piss. I had been so involved, I completely lost 15 hours of my life.
8:45 Speaker 05 That's not a loss to me. One of my best buddies was Packard.
8:51 Speaker 01 Sorry.
8:52 Speaker 04 Let's talk of something else besides this goddamned war. I get so much of it every day.
8:58 Speaker 01 What else is there? Our entire lives are eaten up by it. My crew? Would you believe I am the oldest person on my crew? Outside of the crew chief, who is older than God. And I'm supposed to take these young kids? I have Black Panthers, farm boys, young lieutenants. One lieutenant should be back in the States burning his goddamn draft card and marching off to Canada. What in the fuck is he doing on my crew? All these kids whose initiation into life is getting their first piece of ass buying it on Twenty-Bought Alley and catching the goddamn clap. Most of them are smoking dope trying to forget what goes on in that goddamn darkroom. And I just hope that's all they're on. And with those of us too pure to touch dope drinking ourselves into oblivion with triple martinis.
9:41 Speaker 01 We laugh at primitive tribes. Call their rights and their circumcisions uncivilized. Jesus Christ. Our idea of puberty is to tell them Santa Claus the Easter Bunny and the goddamn tooth fairy don't exist and ship them off to basic training to make a man out of them. Fuck!
9:58 Speaker 01 I apologize. Perhaps I'd better go.
10:00 Speaker 05 No.
10:01 Speaker 04 Stay right there. You just pick a fight with someone else and we're handling you, okay? You're on your Irish mat again, Robert. God save us from Irishmen. Perhaps some champagne would help? It's gotta be better for you than gin.
10:15 Speaker 01 Champagne? I didn't even notice. Goddamn, I'm intruding.
10:19 Speaker 05 I just made major under the zone.
10:21 Speaker 04 Isn't that incredible?
10:22 Speaker 01 Congratulations.
10:24 Speaker 04 Actually, Paul pinned them on two days ago. But I was on nights and we couldn't party together until now. I think this is much nicer than the big wingding.
10:32 Speaker 01 Better be on my.
10:33 Speaker 05 No. No, uh... Here's some champagne.
10:39 Speaker 05 We're gonna have champagne all night. And you're gonna stay right here with us. I mean, after all, what's a party without the bastard of Brigham?
10:44 Speaker 01 After all.
10:46 Speaker 04 I knew the two of you would hit it off. And I see you did.
10:51 Speaker 05 Hey. Are you upset?
10:53 Speaker 04 No. I guess not.
10:56 Speaker 05 I thought we'd catch the stripper at the Bangkok club.
11:00 Speaker 01 Hey, have you seen the new one? With the snake?
11:02 Speaker 04 Oh, snake?
11:04 Speaker 01 Yeah, she has this boa constrictor, and-
11:06 Speaker 04 God, I feel like the Three Musketeers. Mousketeers, dear.
11:11 Speaker 02 So, there you have it. The fateful meeting between the bastard of Brigham and the flying jock behind the controls of Mustang Zero One. Throughout the play, the action flips between different locations: the officers' club, bedrooms, the Colonel's office. But it always comes back to the Operations Room, with its rows of radar scopes and radios. As Daryl himself puts it, "The action is always pulled back."
11:32 Speaker 01 Into that crunching, ever-moving heartbeat of destruction that filled so much of our lives there.
11:38 Speaker 02 We're back in the Operations Room, and Robert's right-hand man-
11:42 Speaker 06 Brigham Bravo Crew Chief, Master Sergeant Clark, Sarge.
11:45 Speaker 02 Sarge is speaking to a technician on the crew, a black man from Oakland, California.
11:51 Speaker 06 Mike Cummings, Airman Second Class.
11:54 Speaker 02 Mike got into some trouble on the base the night before.
11:57 Speaker 06 You better be praying that the captain is making his points with the Colonel. Damn, that's all we needed. We're shorthanded enough, and you get into a stupid fight and wind up in the stockade. But, Sarge- Don't you think the captain has enough problems with having to bail you out? Yeah. I ain't seen him that mad before. Hell, he's furious. And if I were you, Cummings, I'd stay out of his way and keep my goddamn ass clean. Yeah.
12:24 Speaker 02 The action shifts, so we can hear the conversation Sarge mentions, between Robert and his superior officer, Colonel Marsh.
12:31 Speaker 01 So that's how it is, Colonel. How good of a tech is he? He's coming along. He'll be one of the best. But I can't let fighting just go by. Christ, Colonel, he's black. He grew up in East Oakland. Have you ever been to Oakland? Are you kidding? Well, I've seen it. He was a Black Panther when he arrived. Elkin Sergeant Tom have been working on him. He's doing alright. The white guys jumped him last night. Do you really believe that? I believe my crew.
13:04 Speaker 01 You're always so certain. You think no one in your almighty crew could lie to you. Anyone has trouble lying eye to eye. I don't know.
13:13 Speaker 01 I should make an example. The great air force example? For discipline! My crew needs him. If you take him out, what fucking good is that going to do? We aren't playing a game of tiddlywinks in there. But discipline is- I could care less about discipline. We've got the mission. Robert, I'm aware of your views on discipline. The way you run your crew, goddamn. So what if we blow off steam? Would you like a bunch of section eights? We're the best fucking crew you've got, and if it takes a few eruptions now and then, to hell with it. You give us short manning, the oldest radar in the world, scopes that won't stay up, radios that don't extend beyond your goddamn nose, and you talk of discipline? If I went with the book, your neck wouldn't last very long, Colonel.
13:59 Speaker 01 We hold you up in there. And if you take Mike away from me now, we just might not get it done. Damn it! I'll send Mike in after this morning's go, Colonel. Article fifteen him. Take some of his pay, even a stripe if you have to. But no court martial. What fucking good would it do? I'll decide that. We're shorthanded enough. They drive wild because of all the pent-up energy. Christ, Colonel. If you choose discipline over the mission, you may as well get in the dark room yourself and run the crew. I'll have to go on tech.
14:33 Speaker 02 As Robert and the Colonel finish, the action flips back to the operations room. Robert enters, spotting Mike on the other side of the room.
14:40 Speaker 01 Mike! Get your goddamn ass down here. Yes, sir. Now, listen to me very carefully. Yes, sir. After the morning's mission, you report to Colonel Marsh. I want you to sir the hell out of him and kiss ass. Like you've never done before, understand? I will, sir. If you're lucky, there won't be any court martial. The Colonel will hold off the base commander. At the least, you'll get an article fifteen, and that's what I want. I want you in here, working your butt off, so you won't have enough energy to fight off every goddamn white guy within two-mile radius. I'll do my best, Captain.
15:19 Speaker 07 Sarge said you might put me back on board.
15:23 Speaker 01 No. Same assignment. We need you on scope. But one more mistake and you'll never get off that goddamn board. Even a piss.
15:34 Speaker 07 Yes, sir.
15:36 Speaker 07 Thank you, sir.
15:38 Speaker 01 Mike, if it had been me, I would have fought too.
15:45 Speaker 02 The next scene shifts to the bedroom of Paul, the pilot behind Mustang Zero One. Paul shares his room with another guy, but the roommate isn't there. Robert is in Paul's bunk. It's hot. He's dressed only in his pants with his shirt and shoes and socks off. He's sipping a beer. Paul enters in his flight suit.
16:06 Speaker 05 Make yourself at home, please.
16:08 Speaker 01 I did.
16:09 Speaker 05 So I see.
16:12 Speaker 05 God, is it ever hot.
16:14 Speaker 01 Worst so far.
16:17 Speaker 05 When you were not the club, I'd hope you would be here.
16:24 Speaker 05 Super rough day, huh?
16:26 Speaker 01 We had a blow up on crew, Russ and me. Just didn't want to stick around the club with everyone.
16:31 Speaker 05 Bob told me. Serious?
16:34 Speaker 01 Just everyday goddamn shit.
16:38 Speaker 01 It will work out. It has to. Were you on rest cap?
16:42 Speaker 05 For a while.
16:44 Speaker 01 Who was it this time?
16:46 Speaker 05 Joe Banning and George Brownlee.
16:49 Speaker 01 Want a beer?
16:51 Speaker 05 Sure.
16:54 Speaker 01 Did we pick them up?
16:56 Speaker 05 Finally, Joe's in bad shape. Broken back, probably. The words.
17:04 Speaker 05 He came down in rough terrain.
17:08 Speaker 05 George is dead.
17:11 Speaker 05 Probably before he reached the ground.
17:16 Speaker 05 Have you got much flak from today?
17:19 Speaker 01 Probably will. I'll have to check later.
17:22 Speaker 02 I don't see why. Joe was screaming his head off all the way.
17:27 Speaker 01 So was Russ. Goddamn fucking war.
17:32 Speaker 02 Paul strips down with shorts and flight boots.
17:39 Speaker 05 There.
17:42 Speaker 05 That's much better.
17:45 Speaker 05 I think we need some music.
17:47 Speaker 08 If I could know what it takes to be your lover.
17:54 Speaker 05 I am glad you're here.
17:57 Speaker 05 It's been too long. You've been so... Removed.
18:03 Speaker 01 Sorry. Things have not been...
18:08 Speaker 01 good.
18:09 Speaker 05 And when I heard about today, I was worried about you.
18:13 Speaker 05 Afraid you wouldn't turn to me.
18:18 Speaker 01 I'm okay. I mean, the bastard has to be okay. After all.
18:28 Speaker 05 Hmm. Boy, does that ever sound good and soothing.
18:36 Speaker 01 Brings back some memories?
18:39 Speaker 05 Some.
18:44 Speaker 05 I've always liked to dance. Do you?
18:47 Speaker 01 Yes.
18:49 Speaker 01 Some.
18:51 Speaker 05 Dance with me.
18:53 Speaker 01 Paul!
18:53 Speaker 05 Don't... get that look.
18:57 Speaker 05 Chris has duty tonight. Until... two. Come on.
19:01 Speaker 01 My god, Paul.
19:02 Speaker 05 Shh, come on.
19:09 Speaker 01 I've never danced with a man before.
19:12 Speaker 05 Neither have I.
19:15 Speaker 05 Lead. Here, uh...
19:20 Speaker 01 This way will both lead.
19:22 Speaker 05 Don't step on my toes.
19:30 Speaker 05 I've missed you not coming.
19:34 Speaker 05 I got scared.
19:37 Speaker 05 I'm glad you're here.
19:40 Speaker 02 Paul moves his head a little, starts a long kiss as they dance.
19:45 Speaker 02 They continue kissing and dancing. Then Julie enters, with a bottle of gin. She's outside the room. She's bothered. She listens to the music for an instant.
19:57 Speaker 04 Paul?
20:00 Speaker 04 Are you there?
20:01 Speaker 02 The two men break. Robert is very nervous. He looks around quickly as if to hide. But Paul stops him, silently says no to him, and deliberately kisses him again before he goes to the door.
20:12 Speaker 04 Paul?
20:15 Speaker 04 Oh. You are here, thank God. And Robert. Sorry to barge in, but I need some company tonight. Those old majors and kernels can be too much. Besides, I need some help with this goddamn gin. I see you're dressed for the weather. Wish I could.
20:33 Speaker 05 Go ahead.
20:35 Speaker 04 You don't mind?
20:36 Speaker 05 No.
20:38 Speaker 02 Julie kicks off her shoes and strips down to her bra and panties. Even removes her socks.
20:44 Speaker 04 Oh. It's so goddamned hot.
20:47 Speaker 05 Shall I mix drinks?
20:48 Speaker 04 Would you? I'm thirsty.
20:53 Speaker 05 Is something wrong, Julie?
20:56 Speaker 04 Joe Banning didn't make it.
21:00 Speaker 04 And I need some company. It was very, very hard. He was on the table a long, long time. Let's not talk about that. We can talk about Joe tomorrow during the daylight. Right now, I just want to relax. And, and Robert?
21:17 Speaker 04 It looks like you need to.
21:18 Speaker 05 You are so right. Fuck you both.
21:21 Speaker 04 I know how you feel. Why is it some people are always relaxed? Like you, Paul, goddammit.
21:27 Speaker 05 Ah, no, I'm not always calm. I just sometimes don't show it.
21:33 Speaker 04 Say. It was so quiet when I walked up. I thought maybe you'd gone and left the radio on. It's not like the two of you being quiet, for Christ's sake. What were you doing, anyway?
21:46 Speaker 05 Dancing. What?
21:48 Speaker 04 I swear, Paul, you are something else.
21:50 Speaker 05 Yes, aren't I?
21:52 Speaker 04 When are the two of you gonna try to get me into bed again? I'm getting tired of waiting.
21:57 Speaker 05 Seems we both tried that before, didn't we? Without much result?
22:02 Speaker 04 Same thing doesn't necessarily have to happen twice, does it?
22:08 Speaker 04 I've been wondering lately. If something is wrong with me. The kernels and other old farts chase me like crazy, but guys like you.
22:18 Speaker 05 You are much too beautiful, Julie. Inside and out.
22:25 Speaker 04 Come on. Perhaps we should chug the gin and have a three-way. Have you ever been in a three-way?
22:34 Speaker 01 Once.
22:34 Speaker 05 What?
22:35 Speaker 04 What's it like?
22:37 Speaker 01 It was pretty much of a flop, I'm afraid.
22:39 Speaker 04 I've often wondered what would happen.
22:42 Speaker 05 That would depend on the threesome.
22:44 Speaker 04 And what do you suppose would happen in a threesome between us? Isn't it amazing what you talk about when you've hardly any clothes on? Don't mind me.
22:55 Speaker 05 We won't.
22:55 Speaker 04 I'm sure. Robert, are you all right?
23:03 Speaker 01 What do you mean?
23:04 Speaker 04 You've been sort of different lately.
23:07 Speaker 01 In what way?
23:08 Speaker 04 Not sure, really. Something's changed. The two of you. That's it. That's what's been different.
23:15 Speaker 05 Well, out with it. You can beat around the bush so goddamn much.
23:19 Speaker 04 That happens to be my Libra side.
23:21 Speaker 05 Fuck your Libra side.
23:22 Speaker 04 I certainly wish you would.
23:24 Speaker 05 Come on, what's bugging you?
23:26 Speaker 04 You guys don't look at each other. At least when I'm around. And when you think I'm not watching, you sneak glances. Now, fellows. That's very strange.
23:39 Speaker 01 You're exaggerating.
23:40 Speaker 04 No, I'm not. And I need another drink, please.
23:43 Speaker 05 I believe we all do.
23:47 Speaker 04 I've been noticing you guys lately, and you are definitely acting weird.
23:51 Speaker 01 Perhaps you're the weird one.
23:53 Speaker 04 Go fuck a duck.
23:54 Speaker 05 I tried that once, not too satisfying.
23:56 Speaker 04 So exhausted. That drink has hit. Woozy.
24:01 Speaker 05 You're naturally woozy.
24:03 Speaker 04 At least this day is behind me, thank God. You guys, you think you can pull something over on Julie? Don't be too sure about that.
24:11 Speaker 05 What are you talking about? I swear, you are drunk.
24:14 Speaker 04 Now, don't you two go getting mad at me or anything just because I'm opening my trap. You are about the only real friends I've got here. You let me blow off steam, like tonight when something like banning happens, and you can blow off steam to me. In this goddamn place, we need safety valves like that. And, believe me, I wouldn't want anything to jeopardize our relationships in any way, shape, or form.
24:38 Speaker 04 And I really do mean that, guys.
24:41 Speaker 05 We both love you, Julie.
24:43 Speaker 04 Yes.
24:46 Speaker 04 And I love you.
24:49 Speaker 04 It's difficult to speak of love sometimes in this way.
24:55 Speaker 04 For some, it is difficult to speak of love at all.
25:01 Speaker 04 There seems to be a cloud or something invisible hanging between us, and I'm just drunk enough to...
25:10 Speaker 05 Hey. You're really bothered.
25:13 Speaker 04 Paul...
25:14 Speaker 05 Here, let me fix you another.
25:19 Speaker 05 Come on, Julie, you can tell us. You know how you get when something is working on you and you won't ask. It drives me up the wall.
25:28 Speaker 04 Well, I feel pretty silly. But I grew up in California, and things were more open there. I've seen a lot of life, perhaps more than both of you put together. Now, I don't want you to get mad if I've made a mistake, but... Damn it, I've gotta know.
25:46 Speaker 05 Shoot.
25:47 Speaker 04 Are you two involved?
25:53 Speaker 05 Yes, love, we are. Paul! There's no need to hide from Julie. God damn it!
25:59 Speaker 04 It's okay, really, I think.
26:01 Speaker 05 Robert is having more problems with it than I am.
26:04 Speaker 04 How long?
26:05 Speaker 05 Started with my promotion party.
26:07 Speaker 04 Ah, yes, champagne.
26:09 Speaker 05 Are you okay?
26:11 Speaker 04 Sure. Is this the first time for you?
26:15 Speaker 05 To this extent. The others were very one-night deals, and the last ones were a long time ago for us both.
26:23 Speaker 04 What about the gals? Karen and Marge and me?
26:29 Speaker 05 Things are still the same, as far as I know.
26:31 Speaker 04 God, so hard to believe.
26:33 Speaker 05 They and you are still there, and we still love you all.
26:36 Speaker 04 Isn't life grand?
26:37 Speaker 05 With you, I guess it just wasn't the right time for us both. It...
26:42 Speaker 04 That's the story of my life. Listen, I've tried to make no judgment on this sort of thing, really. God knows there's enough judging going on in this goddamn world. Some of my best friends from way back are gay or bi. However, I feel it's going to be a little harder this time.
27:00 Speaker 05 My god, Julie, do we show that much?
27:03 Speaker 04 Not really. Remember, I've been around. After all, I did grow up in California.
27:08 Speaker 05 But so have other people.
27:09 Speaker 04 I guess so. You are two of the best-looking guys on base, and your reputations with the ladies. How's that for irony? Especially you, Robert.
27:19 Speaker 05 I hate reputation.
27:20 Speaker 04 We'll be thankful for the one you've got. And be careful, will you? Especially you, Paul, you're so damned honest. You know where this could lead. The discharges aren't very pretty.
27:32 Speaker 05 It isn't fair.
27:32 Speaker 04 Fair? Was life supposed to be fair? Here I fall for each of you, and when things didn't work out, I did a lot of soul-searching. You must admit, it is more than a little strange, you guys making it.
27:46 Speaker 05 I think we all need more gin.
27:47 Speaker 04 Besides...
27:48 Speaker 05 Goddamn, let's stop talking.
27:52 Speaker 04 It's all right. Really, it is.
27:56 Speaker 04 I shall always love you, no matter what. Besides, there's only one other thing I'm nosy enough to ask about.
28:03 Speaker 05 Yes?
28:05 Speaker 04 Just what in the hell do you two do? How do you do it?
28:12 Speaker 02 We'll be back with the rest of Mustang Zero One, right after this break.
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29:06 Speaker 00 I've literally been told by my district that I should not be teaching math. I should be facilitating math.
29:13 Speaker 09 I'm Emily Hanford. Go to your podcast app and follow Sold a Story.
29:19 Speaker 02 During the Vietnam War, pilots in the Air Force were allowed to end their tour of duty after they reached 100 flights over North Vietnam. For a lot of pilots, the 100 flights was seen as a badge of honor. Paul is very close to hitting his 100. But then he gets an offer from the Air Force. In this next scene, Paul and Robert are laying in bed together in Paul's room.
29:40 Speaker 05 I've been offered assistant wing ops if I extend.
29:43 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
29:45 Speaker 05 Quite an honor, really, being a new major.
29:49 Speaker 01 You're not staying.
29:51 Speaker 05 Haven't said yet. What do you think?
29:54 Speaker 01 I'll go home, please.
29:55 Speaker 05 There's so much going on inside me.
29:57 Speaker 01 There's the baby. Marge will need you. You belong there.
30:00 Speaker 05 It would be good for my career.
30:02 Speaker 01 Fuck your career, just because you like this shit.
30:04 Speaker 05 I don't.
30:05 Speaker 01 You love the excitement. You like facing death. Gives you some false... And that would be why you're extending, for more chances to prove yourself. Don't put those goddamn rationalizations on it. For once, tell yourself the fucking truth.
30:20 Speaker 05 I didn't think it would upset you this way.
30:22 Speaker 01 Do you think I like things the way they are?
30:25 Speaker 05 All right, Mr. Truth. The reason I would be extending is you.
30:30 Speaker 01 Oh, my God, no.
30:32 Speaker 05 I will make you come to grips with us. I will make you do it.
30:38 Speaker 05 We can't leave something like this hanging out somewhere.
30:44 Speaker 05 It would just explode someday, and then where are we? Shouldn't we decide now? Somehow, one way or the other?
30:53 Speaker 01 No.
30:55 Speaker 05 I know you're uptight about us.
31:01 Speaker 05 You're not uptight when we make love.
31:07 Speaker 05 Robert, you aren't uptight when you enter me or I enter you.
31:14 Speaker 05 You go outside yourself.
31:19 Speaker 05 You break away from all those barriers that you hide behind and you relax.
31:27 Speaker 05 Don't you understand? Your soul relaxes during a time your physical being is so excited. I see it in your eyes, Robert, that that moment you cross over.
31:45 Speaker 05 If we don't explore it, we would be denying ourselves and we can't do that.
31:49 Speaker 01 Yes, we can. We weren't raised to be this way. It's against all we have been taught. We are afraid, even now, and if you stay.
31:58 Speaker 05 I am staying. Whether you want to make love or not.
32:04 Speaker 01 You'll keep flying up there, won't you?
32:05 Speaker 05 Not as much.
32:06 Speaker 01 Bullshit. You'll go every time you can. I can't stand it. I've been waiting for your 100 so I wouldn't have to face that anymore. Don't you see what it is doing to me?
32:17 Speaker 05 Would it help if you didn't know what flight I have?
32:19 Speaker 01 That would be worse. Every flight from here that squawks Mayday would be you.
32:25 Speaker 01 Paul, I don't want you to die.
32:27 Speaker 05 I'm not planning on it.
32:28 Speaker 01 But the odds are there.
32:29 Speaker 05 Hey, the odds are there every time I fly, whether it's stateside or where.
32:32 Speaker 01 But...
32:36 Speaker 01 I've been having these dreams.
32:38 Speaker 05 Dreams?
32:40 Speaker 01 It's the same one, actually. It's coming more and more and it's trying to tell me something and I'm afraid of what it...
32:46 Speaker 05 Hey, hey. It's okay.
32:51 Speaker 05 Talk about it, get it out. What's the dream? What's bothering you?
32:55 Speaker 01 It's the same one.
32:58 Speaker 01 What happened so damn often now.
33:02 Speaker 05 Sometimes when you verbalize these things, they will stop.
33:08 Speaker 01 So silly.
33:10 Speaker 05 Something that upsetting is never silly.
33:15 Speaker 01 You and I are in bed, naked.
33:19 Speaker 01 We're in a bed that's in... A goddamn supermarket.
33:23 Speaker 05 What?
33:24 Speaker 01 A supermarket.
33:27 Speaker 01 We're between the frozen foods in the dairy section. And there are four cows in the dairy section.
33:32 Speaker 05 Cows?
33:33 Speaker 01 We are not surprised that the cows are there. The only thing you find surprising is that they never shit or piss and never go outside the store. From being raised on a farm, I can't understand why they're only milked once a day at 3 o'clock in the afternoon.
33:49 Speaker 01 Suddenly, I'm asleep, but you're not. And something starts to press down on me and starts to take over. Some force, and even though I am asleep, I'm frightened. And I call out for you to help me. You know what is going on, but you won't help. You say I'll have to do it myself. And the force gets stronger. It's overpowering me. And I start to claw my way trying to get out of the thing, and I start climbing into space. Inside of a spiral. A corkscrew, and the higher I climb, the more pressure there is on me. And my body is forced out of shape, and the pain is horrible. And I scream and cuss for you to help me, but you won't help. You just watch, and it gets tighter and tighter until...
34:34 Speaker 01 I'm trapped, and I cannot move in any direction, and I let out a terrible scream.
34:40 Speaker 01 Yes? At that moment, I always wake up.
34:46 Speaker 01 In a real life.
34:48 Speaker 01 And I have made no noise at all, and it shocks me.
34:53 Speaker 01 I feel frightened and...
34:56 Speaker 01 You cannot stay here. We cannot take the risk. Go home, go to Marge, go to your baby.
35:02 Speaker 05 And what will that get me?
35:05 Speaker 05 Nights of lying awake, thinking of you. Of your body.
35:13 Speaker 05 Remembering your touch.
35:17 Speaker 05 Our trouble is we haven't really experienced each other.
35:22 Speaker 05 We've been hiding.
35:25 Speaker 05 Been afraid. We haven't spent more than three or four hours at a stretch together, only snatching time when we can, peering over our shoulders, afraid someone
35:38 Speaker 05 will.
35:40 Speaker 05 Robert, we have to find out, and that's what we're going to do. No, Paul. Go home, goddammit. I know you are afraid.
35:51 Speaker 05 I am too. Way down deep. But I'm more afraid of not discovering who I really am. If what I am means going against all...
36:03 Speaker 05 Well, I will do so.
36:06 Speaker 05 There are many who would be horrified at what we do to each other. There are many who couldn't look us in the eye. There are many who, in the name of their religions, would hate and vilify us.
36:19 Speaker 05 There are those who would be so insecure with themselves that they would kill us, at the most, and rant and rave and call us names at the least.
36:31 Speaker 05 Yes, our families would probably turn away and feel ashamed and disgraced.
36:38 Speaker 05 And yes, someday I may have to face my child to explain what I am. But by God, when I feel toward you like I have never felt for any other human being,
36:52 Speaker 05 when I feel like I do when you are not near, when I feel so content and full and real and good after we've made love,
37:09 Speaker 05 those other people are damn wrong.
37:14 Speaker 05 And I would not turn away from you for all the persecution in the world.
37:24 Speaker 05 There is only one way. I'll go back.
37:31 Speaker 05 You've never said you love me like I have you. It seems to be more difficult for you.
37:38 Speaker 05 But, my Robert,
37:41 Speaker 05 you've never said you didn't love me either.
37:45 Speaker 05 If you can look directly at me and say, "You don't love me", I'll go home and we'll leave your life. That is the only way.
38:00 Speaker 05 I can't.
38:03 Speaker 05 Good. It's settled. And we're gonna start doing things a little differently. What do you mean? You deserve a break. You've only had one R and R since you got here. If you don't get away from that darkroom, you're gonna go crazy. As soon as I get my 100 flights, we're going off to Bangkok. And we're gonna stay in bed and order from room service. And we're gonna fuck and suck our brains out and make love on the hour and every hour until it saturates our beings.
38:35 Speaker 05 We haven't even slept together one single night.
38:40 Speaker 05 I don't know what you look like when you wake up, how you act, whether you're grumpy or sad or cheerful. You wouldn't believe. And we're going to tonight. What? Your place. You've lost your mind. Why not? You have the only bedroom downstairs. We both are up before anyone else. You have to get the briefing ready no one ever need know and what if they do?
39:08 Speaker 05 Well, we were out of the town. We both got so drunk and brought a whore to your place for a three-way. It's so, so very simple. And we're gonna do it.
39:22 Speaker 05 I love you, Robert McCarthy.
39:27 Speaker 02 Robert and Paul spend that one beautiful night together. And they make plans, soon after, to spend a week away from the base for vacation. A week together. A week where they can be with each other without any fear of being seen or heard. A week where maybe, just maybe, Robert will be able to find the courage to say, "I love you." First, Paul has just a few flights left before he hits his 100. The action flips back to the operations room. Brigham Bravo Crew is on duty and Robert is in charge.
39:59 Speaker 07 Bison 04, Mayday, coming direct in.
40:02 Speaker 06 Find out how bad.
40:03 Speaker 07 There's a Mayday Squawk, could be him.
40:04 Speaker 06 Art, stand by if you have to take Greg's green.
40:06 Speaker 07 Sure enough.
40:07 Speaker 06 Roger, Picard. Radio light and clear. Squawk 31. Roger. Have contact.
40:12 Speaker 07 Say again. This is Brigham. Say again. Cannot read you.
40:15 Speaker 05 Roger, Yellow 23. I understand you have contact with Bear, turning in. Bear emergency. Don't have contact. Yellow was talking to them and going in.
40:22 Speaker 07 Goddamn it! Jesus Christ, there's Mayday's all over the fucking scope. Aircraft calling Brigham. Say again. Cannot read you. New radio, Sarge. Need new radio for Scope 5. Goddamn. Try 341.9. Roger. 341.9. Roger. Red 21 cell, and all flights, contact Brigham 341.9. All flights, this frequency, contact Brigham 341.9 now.
40:43 Speaker 03 Roger, Mustang 02. Mustang 01? Must- Mustang 01? Mustang 02, emergency, coming straight in. Mustang 01 down. Mustang 01 down.
40:55 Speaker 07 No!
40:56 Speaker 03 At 015 degrees, 260 miles.
41:01 Speaker 03 Robert, I'm sorry. There's no beeper.
41:08 Speaker 07 No!
41:14 Speaker 02 The lights go down on the operations room.
41:17 Speaker 02 Slowly, the lights fade up on Paul's bedroom. Robert is inside the dimly lit room. He's sitting on the edge of Paul's bed. Julie knocks on the door.
41:27 Speaker 04 Are you in there?
41:31 Speaker 04 Robert, if you are, please answer. Please!
41:38 Speaker 04 Robert?
41:40 Speaker 04 I know you're there. You can't be alone.
41:46 Speaker 04 Robert, I'm here.
41:50 Speaker 04 Crew's about to go crazy. Robert.
41:57 Speaker 04 Here, I brought my trusty gin bottle. We need some.
42:03 Speaker 04 When I went to the club, there wasn't a single Bravo crew member there. I knew there wasn't a party planned. I knew something was wrong. The club seemed so subdued. And when I could get no information, I went to the NCO club. Can you imagine that gall? And none of your sergeants were there. They became very frightened and very bold and walked right into the airmen's club. Over in one corner, your crew has sort of a war table set up. Very secretive. I had to almost pull rank and threaten them before they would tell me what happened. They're searching the town and base looking for you.
42:40 Speaker 04 You know, Robert, that crew loves you. They'd do anything for you. Sarge told Colonel Marsh you came down with the trots and had to go home.
42:52 Speaker 04 Go ahead, drink. Perhaps it'll help.
42:59 Speaker 04 Have you given up hope, Robert?
43:04 Speaker 01 There is no hope.
43:07 Speaker 04 Are you sure?
43:09 Speaker 01 I ran to Wing Ops. I waited to talk to Mustang Zero Two. I hadn't given up hope then, Julie, not even I. Still knew it was all right, that it was a new horrible dream that I would wake up from.
43:25 Speaker 01 Mustang Zero Two had their cameras on. And there are a series of
43:33 Speaker 01 showing.
43:39 Speaker 01 You even see the SAM coming. And in sequence, the SAM explodes and Mustang 01 enters the fireball and comes out in pieces on the other side. About the biggest piece was the tail. Isn't that strange?
43:57 Speaker 01 Tail was almost whole.
44:00 Speaker 01 And now Mustang 01 is lying in pieces all over North Vietnam.
44:07 Speaker 04 Should we be here in Paul's room? Why don't we go to my room?
44:14 Speaker 01 They seem to know what opposite things were different.
44:18 Speaker 01 Between Paul and me? They didn't question. It's as if they knew... Something.
44:29 Speaker 01 Colonel Roberts asked if I wanted to be the summary courts officer and take care of Paul's things.
44:32 Speaker 04 Robert, can you...
44:34 Speaker 01 There are some... Incriminating things here. Must get rid of those, for Christ's sake. After all, we can't have perverts running around the goddamn air force.
44:43 Speaker 04 Please don't do this to yourself.
44:45 Speaker 01 And I get to write Marge. Dear Mrs. Carter, I was your husband-
44:51 Speaker 04 You must let me help. You cannot be alone now.
44:54 Speaker 01 Why not?
44:55 Speaker 04 Robert-
44:56 Speaker 01 I am alone. And Paul is all over North Vietnam. Isn't that a laugh?
45:03 Speaker 04 Will you let me help?
45:06 Speaker 01 What's there to do?
45:10 Speaker 04 Have you cried yet?
45:13 Speaker 04 The tears will have to come sometime. Better now if you're able. Seems to help somehow. I know, I've been through it. Found that... You have to go on living for the other person.
45:29 Speaker 01 I am dead.
45:33 Speaker 01 More than Paul.
45:36 Speaker 01 At least Paul lived. He laughed and faced things. He wasn't afraid. And I... Ran.
45:46 Speaker 01 From him. From me, from all, and... Now I'm the one who's dead, don't you see?
45:57 Speaker 01 What did my fear and shame earn me?
46:02 Speaker 01 All those nights I wouldn't because it wasn't right. It wasn't normal. Because I couldn't be a queer.
46:11 Speaker 01 What are the worth of those nights and those times when we would try and I would freak and back away?
46:19 Speaker 01 Oh, that must have hurt, but he never accused me.
46:24 Speaker 01 Never judged me for it.
46:29 Speaker 01 Where is my life now?
46:33 Speaker 01 What will it be?
46:48 Speaker 04 We cry for the living, not for the dead.
46:52 Speaker 04 For us who remain.
46:55 Speaker 04 The dead are all right. They have lived and it's now behind them. And they enter into...
47:03 Speaker 04 We cry for ourselves and for our hurt. And we remember all those times we failed to reach out and failed to speak and failed to forgive.
47:14 Speaker 04 But the dead know that.
47:17 Speaker 04 Paul knows that, Robert.
47:20 Speaker 02 We're going to begin to step away from Mustang 01 here. But I want you to listen carefully to the rest of this monologue.
47:30 Speaker 04 And you must cry. It'll help. You must let it out as if the world was breaking in half and a scream filled. We must cry together for ourselves because we still live and we still hurt.
47:47 Speaker 02 I have two versions of the script for Mustang Zero One. This whole episode, everything you've heard from Mustang, it's all been taken from Daryl's final version, the one written in 1991, just before he died. But I have another version of the play. It's the very first thing I ever read by Daryl. It's the script that Daryl gave to his boyfriend, Dan Wiley, in the early 80s. The script that Dan gave to me that inspired this entire podcast. And in this earlier version of the script, from the early 1980s, this monologue that you're listening to, it's not there. "We cry for the living, not for the dead."
48:29 Speaker 02 I can't know for sure, but I think Daryl wrote this monologue when he knew he had HIV. When he knew he was dying. I think he wrote this monologue for Janet, for Dan, and for Jonathan, his partner who was by his side when he died. I think he wrote it for everyone he left behind.
48:49 Speaker 04 Paul at least died doing what he loved, and being loved by the people around him, and being content with himself and with a situation that wasn't easy.
49:02 Speaker 04 What more successful life could he have had?
49:07 Speaker 04 "We cry for the living, not for the dead. For the dead are well and we are sick.
49:14 Speaker 04 Let it flow from you as if it's pouring rain, and eventually, a long time from now, you will find your own peace and your own world again.
49:26 Speaker 04 One day you will look around you, see the flowers are blooming once again, and the birds have returned, and the sun looks different in the sky."
49:39 Speaker 04 You must be yourself, Robert, no matter what that is. You must listen to what Paul was teaching you.
49:48 Speaker 04 And you must live for him, as we live for the dead who have gone before.
49:55 Speaker 04 We cry for the living, not for the dead.
49:58 Speaker 02 We cry for the living, not for the dead. I started this episode by asking if you've ever destroyed something in an effort to save it. If you're a queer person, like me, maybe you answer that question the same way I do. Yeah, of course I have.
50:17 Speaker 02 I destroyed a part of myself, just like Daryl did, just like Robert did. For years, shoved it deep down inside of me. I put it in a box and I would not let it out. I destroyed that part of my identity for years, but only to protect it. And who knows how that changed me? Who knows who I would be, who any of us queer people would be, if we grew up in a world that didn't require us to spend years hiding our sexualities, destroying them until it was safe to let them out?
50:48 Speaker 04 You must be yourself, Robert, no matter what that is.
50:53 Speaker 04 You must listen to what Paul was teaching you.
50:57 Speaker 04 And you must live for him, as we live for the dead who have gone before.
51:04 Speaker 04 We cry for the living, not for the dead.
51:13 Speaker 02 Be yourself. Daryl pushed each of his partners to grow into their truest selves. Dan, Janet, Jonathan. He's done it again with me. And I've done my best to thank him for that, by piecing together his life story from start to finish. But, there's one more chapter to this story. Okay. Take a breath. On we go.
51:41 Speaker 02 Do you remember a few episodes back when Janet mentioned she'd lost track of half the scripts Daryl wrote over his lifetime? When he died, Daryl left half of his scripts with her and half with Jonathan, his partner in Boston. Then Jonathan died in 2017.
51:58 Speaker 10 I mean, I had no idea Jonathan was going to go and die on me. I'm sorry. You know, it was like, well, I'll get to that soon. I'll find him soon and we'll pull together all the plays.
52:16 Speaker 02 And Janet doesn't know what Jonathan did with Daryl's scripts.
52:20 Speaker 10 Once Jonathan died two years ago, I'm guessing his family just, you know, anything they didn't have a connection to, they would have just tossed.
52:30 Speaker 02 But I did some internet stalking and tracked down Jonathan's twin brother, who is very much still alive. I feel like I'm on a roll. I might try to just call him today.
52:40 Speaker 05 Hey, Dane, this is Jeff Houston. I have found a box of materials. It's like typewritten plays. They're about 25 pounds worth.
52:58 Speaker 02 Next time on Resurrection: The Missing Box.
53:20 Speaker 11 The sound design and mixing for the radio play of Mustang 01 was by Corey Marie Green of Transducer Audio. Corey is amazing. If you're looking for an extremely skilled sound designer, check them out at transducer-audio.com. Matthew Rogers is our sound editor and wrote all the original music you heard in the radio play. The cast of Mustang 01 is Davide Kietseze as Robert McCarthy, Adam Capriolo as Paul, Rebecca Gibian as Julie, Matt LaCa as Sergeant Clark and Colonel Marsh, David Udon as Russ Burns, Vlad Alexis as Bob Fields and Mike Cummings, and Renee Hodgins as Art Walker. Davide Kietzezé is also the voice of Daryl's letters and scripts.
54:03 Speaker 11 Of course, the original script you heard for Mustang 01 was written by Daryl Allen. Hannah Song is our executive producer. Our outro track is called "Easy to Love," written for us by Clara Jones. Matthew Carriatzamary is the platonic love of my life and my co-producer. Resurrection is researched, written, and hosted by me, Dane Stewart. The creation of this podcast was made possible thanks to the financial support of the Conseil d'États de Montréal, the Conseil d'États de L'États de Québec, and the Canada Council for the Arts. Thanks for listening. See you next time.
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