How to Stop Overcommitting and Focus on What Matters | John R. Miles - EP 846

In Episode 846 of Passion Struck, John R. Miles explores why we instinctively add more instead of subtracting what no longer serves us, and how the belief that our worth depends on our usefulness quietly drains our energy, attention, and capacity.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00John R. Miles?

  Coming up next on Passion Struck. When was the last time you said yes to something you didn't want to do? Not because you owed it, not because you loved it, because saying no felt like telling someone you weren't useful. If you've got a full calendar and a quiet sense that none of it is the thing you actually care about, I don't think you have a time problem. I think you're paying a tax. Today, we'll figure out what it is and what to cut. Hey, it's your friend John, and welcome to Passion Struck. I'm so glad you're here. Whether you're a longtime listener or someone who just discovered the show, thank you for pressing play today.

• 0:45John R. Miles?

  Maybe you've built the life you were supposed to want, but you've quietly wondered why it still doesn't feel like enough. If that's you, you're in the right place. Every week, I sit down with the world's top scientists, researchers, and thinkers to uncover what it actually takes to build an intentional life that matters. Thanks for joining me. Let's get into it. Welcome to episode 846 of Passion Struck. We're continuing our November series, The Art of a Life Well-Lived, where we explore how we nourish ourselves, discover what matters, and build lives guided by purpose.

• 1:29John R. Miles?

  Earlier this week, I had two conversations that fit together better than I expected. On Tuesday, I was joined by Major General Charles Bolden, the former NASA Administrator and four-time Space Shuttle astronaut, who told me what it takes to keep a crew safe. He described a list of flight rules that have stood the test of time. When somebody wants to do something because it feels expedient, the answer is no. We talk to the ground and we do what we've already figured out is right. And when all else fails, he said, what has always worked for him is to focus on the people. And then, on Thursday, I was joined by Dr.

• 2:13John R. Miles?

  Kristin Holmes, a performance scientist at WHOOP, and author of the new book Aligned, who talked to me about building capacity. She told me that if you're not building capacity on purpose, you slowly adapt to a lower level of functioning, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Both conversations point at the same problem. If you want a reserve, and if you want the clarity of a flight crew, you can't treat your life like an infinite container. And here's the objection I'd expect after episode 843. "John, I found what I can't ignore. I can see where my presence helps, but my calendar is completely full.

• 2:57John R. Miles?

  Where am I supposed to find the room?" Back in episode 570, I called this the mirage of more. The belief that relief and significance are one more accomplishment, one more project, one more promotion away. Like the Bible story of Naomi in the land of Moab, the mirage never quenches the thirst. By the end of this episode, you'll have a simple tool I call the subtraction ledger. All you need is a piece of paper and about 20 minutes. It will help you look at everything that's taking your time, see what I call the mattering tax, and cut the commitments that aren't bearing fruit.

• 3:41John R. Miles?

  Before we dive in, if this conversation has you rethinking how you measure your worth, that is the heart of my new book, The Mattering Effect: Creating a Life of Meaning and Worth. You can find it in the show notes or at matteringeffect.com. Now, let's get into it. Thank you for choosing Passion Struck and choosing me to be your host and guide on your journey to creating an intentional life that matters. Now, let that journey begin. Apple growers do something that looks wrong the first time you see it. In late spring, a tree sets far more little apples than it can possibly finish.

• 4:23John R. Miles?

  If you leave them alone, the tree tries. It pours itself into every single one, and you end up with a heavy crop of small, mediocre fruit. And here's the part that gets me. The tree is so worn out from feeding all of them that it often skips the next year. So growers do the opposite of what you'd expect. They go down the row and pull off most of the young apples on purpose, healthy ones, gone. That way, the apples that stay can grow full, and the tree has something left for next year.

• 5:05John R. Miles?

  I keep thinking about that tree because I honestly think a lot of us are that tree. And I want you to hold on to that image. The tree, the shears, and the fruit that stays. We're going to keep coming back to it throughout today's episode. So why don't we then in our own lives? Why does adding feel so natural and taking away feel so wrong? Dr. Lydie Klotz, who I interviewed in episode 794 about his book, In a Good Place, is also the author of a book called Subtract.

• 5:46John R. Miles?

  He and his colleagues ran a series of experiments, published in the journal Nature, where people were asked to improve something, like a Lego structure. People overwhelmingly reached for adding, even when taking away would have worked just as well or better. We tend to equate progress with accumulation, more habits, more projects, more commitments. And going back to the tree, the one that keeps every apple isn't being generous, it just can't choose. Now take that built-in habit of adding and put it in a culture that keeps score.

• 6:29John R. Miles?

  In episode 837, we talked about scorecards. In episode 843, we talked about how easy it is to feel like you don't count unless you're exceptional. If you live in a place that tells you your worth depends on your usefulness, saying no feels dangerous. Picture it's Monday night. Someone has asked you to join a committee, or cover a shift, or take on one more project you don't want to, but you say yes anyway. Not because you owe it, or you love it, but because saying no feels like telling them you're not useful.

• 7:13John R. Miles?

  Years ago, when I was serving as a corporate CIO, an executive steering committee asked me to sponsor an enterprise restructuring task force. At the time, I had zero bandwidth. My direct team was already redlining, and deep down, I knew this initiative was politically performative. But in that environment, saying no felt like declaring I couldn't handle the load, or worse, that my presence didn't matter in the room. I took it on, burned the midnight oil for six months, and paid for it with my sleep, my health, and my presence at home. This is what I call the mattering tax, the invisible cost of living in systems that

• 7:58John R. Miles?

  drain your significance without returning it. And notice what that mattering tax does to your calendar. You can't fix it with a better app because the calendar isn't the problem. The belief is, the tree can't tell which apples matter, so it feeds them all. And if your sense of worth depends on being needed, every request looks like fruit worth keeping. On the podcast yesterday, Kristin Holmes told me she spent years chasing external measures of success, and she called them exhausting and unfulfilling.

• 8:37John R. Miles?

  She also told me that going into a hard moment, already depleted, is where we get hurt. A parent gets sick, and you've got nothing left to give. That's the tree that skips next year. You can't be there for what matters if you've spent everything proving you do. And here is one of the most important lessons from today's episode. Before you say yes to anything, ask yourself, am I saying yes because I want to, because I owe it, or because I'm afraid of what no says about me? Hold on to those three answers.

• 9:19John R. Miles?

  They're about to become three columns. So far, we have been looking at why our first instinct is always to add, and how the mattering tax keeps us tired in the name of feeling significant. Before we continue, I have a quick favor to ask. If you're finding something useful in Passion Struck, take a moment to follow or subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you listen. It helps more people find the show. And if you know someone whose calendar is crushing them, someone who can't say no, send them this episode. It might give them the permission they need to step back. Thank you for listening, for sharing, and for being part of this community.

• 10:03John R. Miles?

  When we return, a deli in Michigan that said no to Disney, and the subtraction ledger step by step. Now, a quick break for our sponsors. Thank you for supporting those who support the show. We'll be right back.

• 10:19Speaker 01

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• 10:50John R. Miles?

  You're listening to Passion Struck on the Passion Struck Network. Welcome back.

• 10:56John R. Miles?

  If adding more only deepens the exhaustion, how do we start taking things away?

• 11:02John R. Miles?

  We start by noticing that people have been wrestling with this for a very long time. Roughly 2,000 years ago, Marcus Aurelius wrote in Book Four of his Meditations that if you want tranquility, you should do less. Then he refined it. Do only what's essential. And he added that when you cut the inessential, you get a double benefit because you do the essential things better. It's an old idea that we keep having to relearn. In episode 728, I talked with Daniel Coyle, the author of The Talent Code and The Culture Code, about his book Flourish.

• 11:45John R. Miles?

  Dan told me about a low point in his mid-50s when he came across a famous quote from Barry Swartz, the psychologist who wrote The Paradox of Choice. Barry said, "People mistakenly think life is a treasure hunt, and it's more like a treasure creation."

• 12:04John R. Miles?

  However, in our conversation, Dan had a different way of saying it that really stuck with me. "Life is not a game to win," he told me. "It's a garden you grow." Dan then told me that we're taught to see life as a giant machine. Machines are great for some things, like prepping your meals for the week. But a machine runs on inputs and outputs, and a garden doesn't. A garden depends on you clearing a space and cultivating what's in it. A machine, on the other hand, gets judged by how much it produces before it breaks. If you run your life like you're a machine, you start treating yourself as an input.

• 12:49John R. Miles?

  That's what the grower with the plentiful apple tree knows. Clearing a space isn't a loss. It's what makes growth possible.

• 13:02John R. Miles?

  Then Dan told me about a place that understands this better than almost any business he's seen. Zingerman's, the deli in Ann Arbor, Michigan. It started in 1982 as a single building, run by people who had very little experience. About 10 years in, people started copying them. So the founder sat down and asked what they actually wanted to be. They landed on a community of businesses, all rooted in Ann Arbor, connected by the Zingerman's ethos. A coffee shop, a bakery, a roadhouse, a catalog business. Dan described it as a roughly 90 million community of businesses.

• 13:47John R. Miles?

  Then he told me a story I loved. Dan said there was a time when Disney offered Zingerman's $50 million to partner because they wanted the best deli in America in their parks. But Zingerman's took about 15 minutes to think about it and said, "No, thanks." Here's where it gets interesting. Because Disney didn't get it. Zingerman's told them if they ever opened a Walt Disney World in Ann Arbor, they'd partner with them. When Dan asked Ari Weinswig, the co-founder, why he'd said no to Disney, Ari didn't give him a business lecture. Instead, he pointed at Dan's wedding ring and asked,

• 14:30John R. Miles?

  "Dan, do you take every opportunity that comes along?" Dan sat there and thought about it. And it occurred to him that what Ari was trying to tell him is commitment is where the good stuff is. And I want you to think about that. Zingerman's thinned the fruit. They turned down a huge crop so that the rest of the tree could grow. This leads to the second important lesson from today's episode. You can't protect what's sacred if you're not willing to prune what's secondary.

• 15:09John R. Miles?

  So how do we do this in real life? Let me be clear about something. I'm not telling you to quit your job, walk away from your family, or move to a mountaintop. If you've got bills to pay, an aging parent to care for, or kids who depend on you, you can't just drop everything. That's why just say no falls flat. So here's a tool that works for real life. I call it the subtraction ledger. It takes about 20 minutes, and you're going to need a notebook and an honest look at your calendar. Now, I know many of you might be doing housework, or you could be driving or on a walk.

• 15:52John R. Miles?

  So you might have to come back to this a little bit later on. But for those who have the notebook in front of you, I want you to draw three columns. And I want you to think back to what I was talking about a few minutes ago when I said, "Because I want to, because I owe it, and because I'm afraid of what no says about me." Those three things become the tops of the three columns. I want you to label them chosen, owed, and proven. Then I want you to think about every recurring commitment that you have. Every meeting, favor, volunteer role, household routine, and social obligation,

• 16:35John R. Miles?

  and put them in one of those columns. So let's go through these one by one. Column one, chosen.

• 16:45John R. Miles?

  These are the commitments you'd pick again. They line up with your values. Feed your relationships or the work you can't ignore. These are things like the family dinner you protect, the morning walk you can't do without, the project that makes you feel alive, the mentoring conversation you look forward to. Your strategy for column one is simple. Protect it. This is the fruit that stays. Now I want you to go to column two. These are the things that you feel are owed. Think of these as the non-negotiables of adult life. You owe your employer honest work.

• 17:29John R. Miles?

  You owe your kids care and safety. You owe an aging parent support. You can't drop any of these without real harm. The strategy here isn't to quit. It's to redesign. Ask yourself how you can carry these things without letting them use up your whole reserve. Think about where you are bringing perfectionism to something you simply owe. Can you set one small boundary, like no work email after 6:30 at night? Sharing the caregiving with a sibling, or automating a chore? You can't always eliminate what you owe, but you can stop martyring yourself while you do it.

• 18:14John R. Miles?

  Obligation is taking care of what you owe. Martyrdom is believing that suffering is the only way to prove you care.

• 18:25John R. Miles?

  And this leads us to column three. Proven. This is where the matter and tax hides. These are the things you said yes to, not out of love, duty, or values, but to prove that you're capable, reliable, or indispensable. These are things like the extra committee you joined so that people wouldn't judge you. The group chat you check obsessively because you're afraid of missing out. The favor you agreed to while quietly clenching your teeth. I want you to look hard at this column. Every item in it exists to buy a little reassurance that you count.

• 19:10John R. Miles?

  Your strategy is to prune it because these are the young apples that need to come off first.

• 19:20John R. Miles?

  So here's your assignment. I want you to go back and listen to this part of the episode. Write out your three columns. Pick one recurring commitment in the proven column. Step down from it with simple, polite clarity. And you don't need to give a speech. You can say something like, "I've realized that I don't have the capacity to give this the attention it deserves, so I need to step back." That's it. When you let go, you may notice your hands feel lighter. And that brings us to the most important question of today's episode. What do you do with the space you just opened?

• 20:04John R. Miles?

  When you clear something off your calendar, the culture will rush in to fill the gap. The moment you free up Tuesday evening, you'll want to schedule another meeting, run another errand, or pick up your phone and scroll. Don't. The point of subtraction isn't to make you a more efficient machine. It's to return your attention to what you care about. So take the time you freed from the proven column and hand it to three things. First, give it to what you find hard to ignore. From the three clues in episode 843. Sit with the problem in your community or your work that you can't stop caring about.

• 20:48John R. Miles?

  Second, give it unhurried presence. Don't rush through dinner or check your inbox while someone you love is talking. Be there. Third, and this one comes from Kristin Holmes. Leave some of it empty. That's your availability reserve. Part of the margin you create isn't for a new project. It's the buffer that means when life throws you a curve, you're not already depleted. And here's one more idea from Major General Bolden. His space crews don't make every decision in the moment because a good decision can feel like a bad one when you're under pressure.

• 21:31John R. Miles?

  Astronauts have flight rules, decided in advance, that have stood the test of time. You can do something just like the astronauts do. Before the next request comes in, decide on a rule. Maybe it's that you sleep on every new commitment before you answer. Maybe it's that nothing goes on the calendar without asking whether it belongs in column A, chosen, column B, owed, or column C, proven. Because a rule made in advance makes saying no a lot easier. Then, one more time, I want you to picture the tree.

• 22:14John R. Miles?

  An apple tree doesn't grow better by trying harder. It grows better because someone had the courage to take off healthy fruit so the rest could become what it was meant to be. And I think a lot of us are afraid that if we let something go, we'll be less. Less needed, less valuable, less important. But the tree that tries to feed every apple isn't the generous one. It's the one that ends up with small fruit and a lot less to give next year. You don't matter because of how much you carry. You matter because of who you are to the people you love.

• 22:56John R. Miles?

  And you can't show up for them if you've spent everything proving it. And that brings us to our next conversation. What happens when you achieve almost everything you've ever set out to accomplish, but still find yourself searching for something more? In episode 847, I'm joined by Pat Croce. He's been an entrepreneur, sports medicine pioneer, bestselling author, martial artist, adventurer, and owner and president of the Philadelphia 76ers. But behind all those accomplishments is a deeply personal story about discovering that

• 23:38John R. Miles?

  external success doesn't necessarily lead to lasting happiness. In his new book, Enjoy Yourself Now, Pat shares the shifts that helped him move from chasing the next achievement to discovering a deeper understanding of himself, happiness, and the present moment. It's a fascinating conversation about the difference between changing your circumstances and transforming the way you see yourself and the world. I hope you'll join us. Take a quick listen.

• 24:10Speaker 02

  When people say "myself" or "yourself," they just think it's the mask you talked about, the persona. No, this self is your spiritual self, your divine self, the self that you and I share. We share this self. We don't share the mind, we don't share the body. I can't read your thoughts, and our bodies are definitely separate. But that which is aware, the self that is aware, as Ramana Maharshi said, "God, self, and guru are one," that's the self. We are, and that's what I want people to be able to enjoy because once you recognize your true self, once you...

• 24:52Speaker 02

  even Socrates in the Temple of Apollo, the "know thyself," that's a prophetic statement of those two words.

• 24:59John R. Miles?

  Lastly, if you're an organization looking for speakers who can bring meaningful conversations about purpose, leadership, human potential, and intentional living to your audience, I invite you to explore Passion Struck Speakers. We work with thought leaders and experts who help people and organizations think differently about how they live, lead, and work. You can find more at passionstruckspeakers.com. Until next time, I'm John Miles, and as always, stay curious, stay intentional, and stay passion struck.