S13 EP10: I wouldn't change a thing

More adventures in parenting (and life) from Rob and Josh... ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Parenting Hell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ is a Spotify Podcast, new video episodes available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please subscribe and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xxx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [email protected] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [email protected] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 1:37Speaker 04

  Hello, you're listening to Parent in Hell with...

• 1:40Speaker 06

  Baby who?

• 1:42Speaker 04

  Baby's done a poo. Olive. Say, Rob Beckett.

• 1:48Speaker 06

  Rob Beckett.

• 1:50Speaker 04

  Say, Josh Widdicombe.

• 1:52Speaker 06

  That's me.

• 1:54Speaker 04

  That is a funny name. Well done, Olive.

• 1:56Speaker 05

  What? What? What?

• 1:58Speaker 04

  Kids think your name's funny because I think it's like Willie.

• 2:01Speaker 05

  I think they're just, they know comedy. They know comedy.

• 2:04Speaker 04

  Josh Willie Come is still, that still makes me laugh. Because Willie's funny and then Willie Coming and it's all one name that's real.

• 2:12Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:13Speaker 04

  Did you have Willie Come at school? I used to draw Jizz and Cox at school.

• 2:16Speaker 05

  Yeah, but she's 21 months old, Olive.

• 2:19Speaker 04

  Well, she's not at school yet. When she gets there.

• 2:22Speaker 05

  Hi, you excellent humans. This is 21th month old Olive. Very late. Three in two days.

• 2:28Speaker 04

  Oh, wow. Oh, she's three in two days.

• 2:30Speaker 05

  Yeah. Saying your names and stumbling over the hilarity of Widdicombe. Sorry, Josh. She has two older sisters, Nina and Martha, so basically never stops talking. My girls fit tightly into their family position stereotype. That's Olive is wild. We wouldn't change a thing. Sending this from Normandy.

• 2:46Speaker 04

  I think when people say we wouldn't change a thing implies that they have thought about changing a thing.

• 2:51Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 2:52Speaker 04

  Because I've never in my life, the only time I've ever said never change a thing is if something's a slight problem.

• 2:57Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 2:58Speaker 04

  I've never gone, oh, we've bought a house, so we live in Bromley. Wouldn't change a thing. Well, I wouldn't even, because it's, anything that's just normal.

• 3:06Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 3:06Speaker 04

  I met Lou, we got married. I did comedy. Now she's an author. Wouldn't change a thing.

• 3:11Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 3:13Speaker 04

  Have you ever said wouldn't change a thing? I say wouldn't change a thing sometimes where I go, yeah, George the second dog's a bit of a nightmare. It was a lot easier with the first dog. He's really calm and well behaved, but I wouldn't change a thing. If I'm honest, I would.

• 3:26Speaker 05

  I would. I'd make him easier.

• 3:30Speaker 04

  Yeah. I'd change it. So he was either easier or I just had one dog.

• 3:33Speaker 05

  Fluffball's got bad legs. Wouldn't change a thing. No, I would.

• 3:39Speaker 04

  I'd quite like a cat that his legs are fine.

• 3:42Speaker 05

  I suppose I wouldn't change Fluffball. If they offered me a different cat, I'd keep Fluffball.

• 3:47Speaker 04

  But if they offered you a different cat than Fluffball, they'd know what you know now.

• 3:50Speaker 05

  Fluffball with legs that worked, I'd take that.

• 3:54Speaker 04

  Is Dean's legs all right?

• 3:55Speaker 05

  Yeah. Sending this from Normandy where we are on holiday for my 40th.

• 3:59Speaker 04

  Wouldn't change a thing.

• 4:01Speaker 05

  The next sentence is a pure wouldn't change a thing.

• 4:05Speaker 05

  Visited a cheese museum this morning. Wouldn't change a thing.

• 4:09Speaker 04

  Did she say? And she's not saying what you're saying.

• 4:11Speaker 05

  The kids did not appreciate the smell of maturing camembert. Stay lovely and relatable, Rachel. Forty in 10 days. So it's like 12, so that's like 12 times 40, 480 months from Stockport.

• 4:22Speaker 04

  Well, why is she telling us his birthday's in, why wouldn't you just say three and, I'll just go three and four. Sorry, I feel like me and, I'm really having a go at Rachel.

• 4:30Speaker 05

  Yeah, I don't know why you've gone so hard on Rachel.

• 4:32Speaker 04

  I just think it's unnecessary information. Three in two, like, just say three, just say 40.

• 4:37Speaker 05

  Yeah, well, there we go.

• 4:38Speaker 04

  I'm too direct though, aren't I? Some people like to have a little bit of like extra information and sort of, I'm not very aesthetic.

• 4:45Speaker 05

  You're not a man for bedside manner.

• 4:48Speaker 04

  No, I'm not. I'm not a, I'm not a smooth it over with floral language guy. I'm quite direct.

• 4:54Speaker 05

  You're not a shit sandwich. You're pure shit.

• 4:56Speaker 04

  Yeah, just give me a handful of shit and I'll eat it and deal with it.

• 4:59Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 4:59Speaker 04

  And go, where's the bread? Don't need bread. I've got it down me. What's next?

• 5:02Speaker 05

  Exactly, yeah.

• 5:03Speaker 04

  Wouldn't change a thing. Lovely shit sandwich.

• 5:06Speaker 05

  How are you, Rob?

• 5:06Speaker 04

  I'm good. It's summer holidays. So yeah, it's good actually. Busy. Kids are off doing stuff, but I'm not working as much. I did, I did have to do a fest, not have to do. Well, I did have to do because I agreed to do it, but I did a festival gig at the weekend that I'd agreed to do and then sort of realised, oh God, I haven't gigged for like three months.

• 5:27Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 5:28Speaker 04

  When it came around, I was like, oh my God, I've got a proper 40-minute show.

• 5:31Speaker 05

  Did you warm up for it?

• 5:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, so I did a gig in Islington, the Bill Murray gig.

• 5:37Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 5:37Speaker 04

  Which is, was sold all off their mailing list. And you basically just get local, sort of quite middle-class people that live in Islington.

• 5:46Speaker 05

  I warmed up my last tour at about four different gigs entirely and the Bill Murray was one of them. It's really nice, but it is a comedy crowd. Sorry.

• 5:55Speaker 04

  Bless you.

• 5:56Speaker 05

  No, I mean, it's a, it's a, it's a very comedy fan crowd, isn't it?

• 6:01Speaker 04

  Yeah, all of the audience are very similar to one another. It's very similar little vibes. So I said like, give me a cheer if you're a scaffolder. Obviously silence. Then I said, give me a cheer if you've ever directly spoken to a scaffolder. And then they all pissed themselves. No, I just speak to whoever the project manager is. So I went there, did that, and then the next day I went to the festival. It was a music festival in a, it was quite a good festival actually, Hackfield House. Shaun Walsh was on before me, but he was on during Dizzy Rascal.

• 6:31Speaker 05

  Oh, no.

• 6:33Speaker 04

  And Fix Up, Look Sharp come on and Shaun actually stopped. I was like, we're gonna have to address this. It's one of the catchiest, loudest songs of all time. But I did the gig. The gig was all good, but it was funny. I did well. But it's, the hardest thing, we're not gigging for a while.

• 6:49Speaker 05

  It is weird, isn't it?

• 6:50Speaker 04

  It's the flow. I know I can be funny, but to put a show together, you need to be well-practiced so that it flows. So I'm doing bits. It was funny. And then all of a sudden my brain was like, you have nothing in there. And then you're, only is a half a second, but it feels like an eternity on stage. But it's good fun though. It's a nice crowd.

• 7:09Speaker 05

  I know exactly what you mean. It's, it's that, it's fine if, if you've got a good following wind because you've got those laughs to think.

• 7:18Speaker 04

  Yes. And the more practised you are, the less time you need to think because you just know what the next bit is.

• 7:24Speaker 05

  Exactly. I did, I did a few of those Comedy Garden festivals over the summer and I enjoyed them, but it is weird when you're in a period where you've basically aren't really doing stand-up and then you suddenly do stand-up. It is an odd thing.

• 7:41Speaker 04

  It makes you really scared. It's a nice feeling though, but like, I'm in the mood, not yet, but in autumn. I think when the kids, probably October time, I'll be in the mood to go and do like 10 minutes at comedy clubs with new material. I've really got a thirst.

• 7:55Speaker 05

  The tour is being announced. The tour.

• 7:57Speaker 04

  No, it's not. It's not.

• 7:59Speaker 05

  It's being programmed at the moment. If you're listening at our agency off the curb, I'd start penciling the dates.

• 8:06Speaker 04

  Well, yeah, maybe pencil the dates. It's good to have options, isn't it, for next year?

• 8:11Speaker 04

  Let's not announce anything. But I've got nothing to say. I don't know what to say on stand-up.

• 8:15Speaker 05

  Well, it's not stopped you for the last 20 years.

• 8:22Speaker 04

  The only thing I've noticed different though now is because I think I've done a lot of work on myself to not, I used to be so negative about myself that I'd need an audience to laugh at me and like me to make myself feel better because I was so negative.

• 8:38Speaker 05

  Yeah, I don't know if that's completely gone.

• 8:40Speaker 04

  No, but it's a lot less. So I've, I used to have to giggle the time for sort of a morale boost, but I can sort of do that by other more chilled-in-door things now. So it's good though because that was more a toxic way of performing where now I'm just gonna think of something funny to say and then say it, but later on in the year when I want to, when it's not so hot outside.

• 9:00Speaker 05

  Yeah. I've, I've got various notes and I'm in London a bit. I've got evenings free in London coming up.

• 9:08Speaker 04

  No, Josh. No. You, I'm gonna tell you now, you're autumn. You have to enforce rest time.

• 9:18Speaker 05

  I just find.

• 9:19Speaker 04

  Don't book other stuff in when you're, you've already got too much in. You need to find something you do that is relaxing and restorative that isn't work or obviously you used to be boozing.

• 9:30Speaker 05

  All right, I'm gonna do photography.

• 9:33Speaker 04

  Photography. Yeah, but then, but like also make it, but what else did it help? Cinema on your own?

• 9:38Speaker 05

  I don't really enjoy the cinema.

• 9:40Speaker 04

  No?

• 9:41Speaker 05

  No.

• 9:42Speaker 04

  What about a gym? Join a gym in London. So when you're in London.

• 9:45Speaker 05

  I do hotels and gyms, but I don't like going to the gym in the evening.

• 9:49Speaker 04

  Why is that?

• 9:50Speaker 05

  Why don't I like going to the gym in the evening?

• 9:53Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah. I can ask you again if you want.

• 9:59Speaker 05

  Sorry, it's all this Duolingo.

• 10:01Speaker 04

  We're stalling for time, isn't it?

• 10:03Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 10:03Speaker 04

  Je ne bouge pas.

• 10:05Speaker 05

  Yeah, look, I like the idea of the gym in the evening. No, I don't like the idea of the gym in the evening.

• 10:10Speaker 04

  But you famously said that you used to go to the gym in the evening here. You said you used to go on the.

• 10:15Speaker 05

  Um, it's not for me.

• 10:17Speaker 04

  So why don't you like, why don't you like the gym in the evening? So you keep evading the question here.

• 10:20Speaker 05

  Buzzing, you don't feel like, I feel like it's a thing that drives my day rather than a thing that.

• 10:26Speaker 04

  Can I ask a question?

• 10:27Speaker 05

  Brings me in.

• 10:28Speaker 04

  Is it because you don't like having a shower before bed?

• 10:32Speaker 05

  No, it's not because I don't like having a shower before bed.

• 10:34Speaker 04

  You don't like having a shower before bed though, do you?

• 10:36Speaker 05

  No, I don't know.

• 10:37Speaker 04

  No, you don't.

• 10:38Speaker 05

  It wakes me up.

• 10:39Speaker 04

  It wakes you up?

• 10:40Speaker 05

  I like to do things in the evening that bring me down.

• 10:43Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 10:45Speaker 04

  Like what, what, what? If you had the whole house to yourself, what would bring you down?

• 10:48Speaker 05

  Watch TV or read a book.

• 10:50Speaker 04

  And why can't you do that when you're in London or you go mad in a hotel room doing that?

• 10:54Speaker 05

  No, I don't go mad. I just think, oh, fucking hell, I'm having a.

• 10:57Speaker 04

  Why don't, why don't you do this?

• 10:58Speaker 05

  I don't know what hacker on my own on a bed while I watch.

• 11:01Speaker 04

  Why don't you do this, Josh? Why don't you?

• 11:03Speaker 05

  TV that I can't quite get good TV because it's a hotel TV. So I haven't got Netflix. So my choice is something I don't want to watch on a big screen or Netflix on a laptop and I don't like watching on a laptop.

• 11:15Speaker 04

  Do um, screen sharing, can't you?

• 11:16Speaker 05

  I've never known how to do screen sharing.

• 11:19Speaker 04

  It is hard.

• 11:23Speaker 04

  Why don't, I tell you what you should get. You should get like a new iPad or a device thing so you can watch films on it and be like a big one. You take up.

• 11:33Speaker 05

  I'm gonna go out and take photos of it over the evening in London.

• 11:36Speaker 04

  Well, in the dark and cold, no one's shouting at you. Why is, why is it?

• 11:39Speaker 05

  Why would they be shouting at me?

• 11:40Speaker 04

  Because you're on the telly.

• 11:42Speaker 05

  No, put on a hat, no one knows who I am.

• 11:44Speaker 04

  Really?

• 11:45Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 11:46Speaker 04

  I swear I'm like, I think my, I'm too loud and my head's too big.

• 11:49Speaker 05

  No, Rob, your audience is much more front foot.

• 11:53Speaker 04

  Is that joking? What it is?

• 11:55Speaker 05

  Scaffolders aren't interested in the last leg.

• 11:57Speaker 04

  I, I get a lot of builders shouting at me off building sites and I just.

• 12:00Speaker 05

  Of course, of course.

• 12:02Speaker 04

  But I come, I come back hard at them.

• 12:04Speaker 05

  Of course you do, Rob.

• 12:05Speaker 04

  When someone went, oh, where are you going, Beckett? Woo. And I went, what are you doing there? You putting it up or you taking it down?

• 12:12Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 12:12Speaker 04

  I don't even know what that means, but it feels like I've put them in the hot seat.

• 12:16Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 12:16Speaker 04

  And then whatever they say, I'll go, well, wave away, get a fucking move on you. I don't always shout. Depends on the location.

• 12:23Speaker 05

  Not ideal, but that's.

• 12:24Speaker 04

  But if it's a quiet location, no family.

• 12:26Speaker 05

  You get the audience you deserve.

• 12:33Speaker 04

  Um, yeah, why don't you do this then, Josh? You've got spare evenings in London.

• 12:37Speaker 05

  Why you, why, what? Can't I just go and take some photos?

• 12:40Speaker 04

  No, because I don't think you'll be happy with that. I think I'm trying, I'm trying.

• 12:42Speaker 05

  I will, I love it.

• 12:43Speaker 04

  No, you're like, you're like.

• 12:44Speaker 05

  It's, let me do what? Let me be me.

• 12:47Speaker 04

  No, because you're already worried about it and gonna put in a gig in panic.

• 12:49Speaker 05

  Worrying about it.

• 12:50Speaker 04

  Then it'll go, what I'll do is I'll, I'll do, I'll do the photos for the photography book. And then I'll do it on the way to a comedy club and then I'll do the gig and then on the way back, then I'll wake up in the morning and then I'll do strictly, then I'll do last leg, then I'll be tired, buffer, buffer, buffer. I think you should maybe message friends that live in London or nearby and save one. And go for a bit of dinner with them.

• 13:08Speaker 05

  Oh, fuck that.

• 13:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, but you don't want to whack her alone.

• 13:12Speaker 05

  No, I'm fine. I'm gonna, gonna walk the streets. The streets is my.

• 13:17Speaker 04

  No, but why were you, you were saying before, you've got time alone in London. You don't like being alone in hotel rooms.

• 13:21Speaker 05

  I know, and I've found a solution.

• 13:23Speaker 04

  Wander the streets for a camera?

• 13:25Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 13:25Speaker 04

  And that when it's cold and rainy?

• 13:28Speaker 05

  More dramatic.

• 13:34Speaker 04

  Okay, okay, just saying, I just think. I just worry about you, want to make sure you don't feel lonely.

• 13:39Speaker 05

  I'm just not gonna do stand up.

• 13:40Speaker 04

  Don't do the stand up.

• 13:41Speaker 05

  No.

• 13:42Speaker 04

  Um, should we do some correspondence?

• 13:44Speaker 05

  Oh yeah, do you not want to hear about Duolingo?

• 13:46Speaker 04

  Well, you're just learning French and Duolingo.

• 13:48Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's not very interesting.

• 13:51Speaker 04

  Yeah, but I don't know what else to say or ask, anything you want to share.

• 13:54Speaker 05

  Well, I could, I, you could ask if I've got a brother or sister, but that's about it.

• 13:58Speaker 04

  Have you got a brother or sister?

• 13:59Speaker 05

  Je, uh, or maybe you couldn't actually, I'm not quite there yet. Frère and so.

• 14:05Speaker 04

  Frère and so. What level are you on?

• 14:08Speaker 05

  Three. It's like a computer game.

• 14:11Speaker 04

  If Duolingo was the top of France, how far have you gone down France, would you say at this point?

• 14:17Speaker 05

  I'm in walking distance to Norway.

• 14:21Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 14:24Speaker 05

  Um, should we do thingy?

• 14:26Speaker 04

  What, some correspondence?

• 14:28Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 14:28Speaker 04

  Oh, the only thing I need to talk about is my kids have got into this YouTuber called Jordan Matter. He's like this big, massive ginger haired bloke and his daughter who's like 16 called Salish. And they do these mental videos, everyone's screaming and like, ah, yeah. And like, because I let him watch this Moira Elizabeth who's like quite, she basically does squishies where she like paints them or repairs them or sets up stuff. And obviously it's not aimed at me, but it's really well done. She's very charming, very funny. The editing's quite clever and slick. But this other one is just like pure, just like screaming like, oh my God, ah. And it's like utter shit.

• 15:05Speaker 04

  And I just, and I don't want to be like the dad who don't like the kid, but I like, it jazzes them up as well. It's almost like it's been designed to just hit their dopamine at every point from the analytics of the YouTube video. And it's like, this is hara, it's like a fever dream of hell. And then my kids were struggling to go to sleep last night. So Jordan Matter, but like these videos have had like a hundred and twenty eight million views.

• 15:25Speaker 05

  How are you spelling it?

• 15:27Speaker 04

  Jordan, as in like Katie Price or the Middle East, big up our E M E A listeners.

• 15:33Speaker 05

  And then Matter as in Juan Matter.

• 15:35Speaker 04

  No, M A T T E R. They seem like nice people. Like I've got nothing against them personally, but like the videos, they're just so intense, but it feels like it's all designed.

• 15:43Speaker 05

  Jordan Matter has an estimated net worth of between sixteen and thirty one million dollars.

• 15:49Speaker 04

  Hmm, I think it'd be more than that. Um, but it's, um, I can't deal with it. I can't have it on in the house.

• 15:54Speaker 05

  He's a YouTuber and photographer. Maybe we could, uh.

• 15:57Speaker 04

  Yeah, I think so. He got big as a photographer, so I've not seen that content. I think that might be quite, but this content is, is him and his kids doing like challenges. It's like no rules for the day in the house and.

• 16:06Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 16:06Speaker 04

  It's chaos.

• 16:07Speaker 05

  I hate stuff like that.

• 16:09Speaker 04

  It's really hard watch, so I'm gonna try and wean the kids off it. If anyone's got any YouTuber recommendations, because I don't want to be that old person goes, oh, YouTube's bad because it isn't. But if there's YouTube stuff for kids that you'd recommend, a bit like Moira Elizabeth, please send them in so I can.

• 16:24Speaker 05

  Just fucking, I built a dream restaurant and hid it from my dad, Jordan Matter. Twenty two million views.

• 16:30Speaker 04

  And it's all like, feels like staged and fake. Do you know what I mean?

• 16:36Speaker 05

  Five hours to build a top tier restaurant from scratch. This is not going to be an easy challenge. Oh, fuck me. I can imagine my kids watching this.

• 16:44Speaker 04

  Um, but yeah, if you've got any recommendations of good YouTubers that I think are decent and also are creating good content, not just doing stuff that makes children want to watch, because I feel like they're getting addicted to sort of mad shit.

• 16:57Speaker 05

  Surprising my daughter with a dream vacation, thirty two million views. Fucking hell, not my scene.

• 17:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, you would, I'm struggling. You would honestly, it'd send you mental.

• 17:08Speaker 05

  No, thank you.

• 17:09Speaker 04

  Okay, Josh, some correspondence.

• 17:11Speaker 05

  More my pace, bit of correspondence from some middle aged people.

• 17:14Speaker 04

  Food theft story. Hello, Rob, Josh and Michael. Listening to your episode with Rob's holiday toast thief, which reminded me of a time I was a victim of a similar crime in London.

• 17:23Speaker 05

  Oh, that's your manner as well. Could have been you.

• 17:26Speaker 04

  Last summer, me and my, well, we've not heard back from the people that accused me. So if they come back, Michael, please send them to my direct email so I can mention that in the pod.

• 17:36Speaker 05

  It's [email protected] if anyone wants it.

• 17:39Speaker 04

  It used to be [email protected], but with P H A T.

• 17:43Speaker 05

  Oh, did it?

• 17:44Speaker 04

  Yeah. I don't know if it still exists. Last summer, me and my partner went to London to watch a show in the West End. Before we went out for a pizza in Covent Garden, one of these posh pizza places where seating outside often backs onto an adjacent restaurant's outdoor seating area. Okay, as well as.

• 18:01Speaker 05

  Sorry, what?

• 18:02Speaker 04

  So I think it's like.

• 18:04Speaker 05

  It's Covent Garden.

• 18:05Speaker 04

  These are people from Wiltshire that are panicking because there's another restaurant next to a restaurant.

• 18:10Speaker 05

  Right, okay, yeah.

• 18:11Speaker 04

  So basically, I think what you're saying is, you know, when you have a restaurant, but there's another, another table next to your tables that's from a different restaurant.

• 18:16Speaker 05

  Right, fine, yeah, yeah, fine.

• 18:17Speaker 04

  And it's not part of the restaurant and because it, they're called Alex and Ellie from Malesbury in Wiltshire. These are, they're struggling in the big smoke. That's what I think's happening. Anyway, one of these posh pizza places where the outside seating often backs onto an adjacent restaurant's outdoor seating. All's well until a group of middle aged, well to do American ladies came and sat behind us. The restaurant next door was a fish restaurant and my chair was back to back with this new arrival. Anyway, I love it when people from the countryside go to London and they just cannot deal with how close everyone is.

• 18:47Speaker 05

  I, yeah, that's me these days.

• 18:51Speaker 04

  Anyway, anyway, our food arrives. We've both gone for a pizza and as we love carbohydrates, we've got a bowl of chips to share too.

• 18:58Speaker 05

  Lovely.

• 18:58Speaker 04

  We're now having a lovely time and all of a sudden a dangling arm stretches across over my shoulder into our bowl of chips.

• 19:05Speaker 05

  That is, that is mental. That is fucking mental.

• 19:10Speaker 04

  Standing in shock as to what was happening. I turned around, flipped my elbow like I was swatting a seagull away and I said, what the fuck are you doing?

• 19:18Speaker 05

  Yeah, I'd say she's blended in with London perfectly there.

• 19:22Speaker 04

  This is what happens, this is why people from London are so direct. The more I think about it, the more I think how wild it is to take a chip of someone else's face.

• 19:29Speaker 05

  Insane.

• 19:30Speaker 04

  Let alone from a stranger sat at a different restaurant.

• 19:34Speaker 05

  That is mad.

• 19:37Speaker 04

  Even the lady's friends were a bit confused by their friend's confident thief behaviour. All she said in reply was, sorry, they just look so good and we're yet to order and I'm starving.

• 19:48Speaker 05

  That is absolutely mental.

• 19:52Speaker 04

  Am I out of order or do you agree this is mental?

• 19:54Speaker 05

  You're not out of order.

• 19:55Speaker 04

  Totally, that is totally okay to say what the fuck you're doing.

• 19:59Speaker 05

  The extra detail of it being a different restaurant is so, adds so much to it.

• 20:05Speaker 04

  Yeah, I mean, like, because, because she's stolen from another restaurant, which when you're from not.

• 20:11Speaker 05

  So she can't even say, I've ordered some myself, you can have one of mine.

• 20:15Speaker 04

  No, she's just, no, yeah, like, it's not like, oh, I thought, I thought she was gonna say, take them and go, I've ordered chips. And the argument would be, well, no, you obviously haven't because that's a different restaurant. Not just leaning and take it. I'm gonna Google Malesbury. Because I've never heard of it and this is where they're from. I mean, it is absolutely picturesque, beautiful little market town. Yeah. I'll bet there, there's no restaurants backing onto each other there.

• 20:40Speaker 05

  Wow, that is mental, isn't it?

• 20:41Speaker 04

  Right, what do you want here? What we've got? Getting Alfred by an in-law, weird and interesting things your kids are obsessed with.

• 20:47Speaker 05

  Yeah, I like Alfred.

• 20:48Speaker 04

  Food confessions?

• 20:49Speaker 05

  Let's do Alfred by, you do food confessions and then I'll do Alfred by an in-law.

• 20:53Speaker 04

  Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. No point asking to be anonymous because this one is quite niche. My food confession is that when I was younger, if we had, if we had frozen chips for dinner, I would take a couple out the bag and eat them frozen.

• 21:10Speaker 04

  Basically a frozen chip lolly.

• 21:15Speaker 04

  And she's just moved on from that, nothing else. My husband and his family have a very strange food confession. They enjoy salad cream on toast. And unfortunately it spreads to the next generation. My daughter and niece and nephews all enjoy it too. Liz Suffolk, age four nine two.

• 21:30Speaker 05

  Oh, no, thank you.

• 21:32Speaker 04

  Months, not years.

• 21:33Speaker 05

  Months. Hello, Rob, Josh and Michael. Please keep me anon to save my husband's pride and honour. You asked for stories about for dad, prospective father-in-law, and this reminded me of when our daughter, aged fifteen. She's now thirty-three. Had a boyfriend aged fifteen, but he was the size of a rugby player.

• 21:50Speaker 04

  So start again, how old's his daughter?

• 21:53Speaker 05

  The daughter and boyfriend are both fifteen, but she is now thirty-three. This is an old story.

• 21:57Speaker 04

  Okay, both fifteen, fine.

• 21:59Speaker 05

  My husband, clearly hating every second of their new relationship. Lost his head and challenged the boy to an arm wrestle. Pathetic.

• 22:07Speaker 04

  Oh, no, there's, there's no win there. You either beat a child at an arm wrestle or you lose to a child.

• 22:14Speaker 05

  I actually thought my husband's Fred head was going to explode during it. Every vein in his arm and head was visible.

• 22:25Speaker 04

  So they got married, they stayed together.

• 22:27Speaker 05

  Was obviously terrified of the grunting sweaty mess in front of him, and I think let my husband win.

• 22:32Speaker 04

  Oh, so this is, oh, so this is her husband now. So I thought she was talking as the girlfriend, right.

• 22:39Speaker 05

  This is the mum.

• 22:40Speaker 04

  The mum, oh.

• 22:41Speaker 05

  I'm staying anonymous, my husband was heartbroken if he knew we all thought that. For the relationship only lasted a few months and my husband went back to being the only man in my daughter's life for a while. Love the pod, anon.

• 22:54Speaker 04

  I've got big, I've got big issues with this.

• 22:56Speaker 05

  Ah, by the way, it's anon from Essex, which doesn't surprise me at all.

• 22:59Speaker 04

  Sounds like that could be someone's name.

• 23:03Speaker 04

  Anon from Essex. I, I think she needs to have a conversation with him about that.

• 23:09Speaker 05

  Eighteen years on.

• 23:11Speaker 04

  Is this eighteen years on?

• 23:12Speaker 05

  Yeah, bloody hell, Rob.

• 23:14Speaker 04

  I'm sorry, I've not got used to this sort of stuff.

• 23:16Speaker 05

  The kids were fifteen at the time, but they're now thirteen. The daughter was fifteen at the time, so was the boyfriend. The daughter is now thirty-three. This is the mum.

• 23:24Speaker 04

  Yeah, saying still, don't mention it to him.

• 23:27Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 23:28Speaker 04

  I think, one, if you can't mention it to him at the time, there's issues because the communication barriers are not okay. And it's quite toxic. If, two, you can't even have a laugh about it now, what kind of pathetic fragile ego is this? That you can't have a laugh and go, God, what was I thinking? Yeah. And I really tried, but I just beat him. Isn't that funny? What's the alternative? Dad, do you remember when you arm wrestled my, shut up?

• 23:53Speaker 04

  No. What? No, didn't happen. No.

• 24:02Speaker 04

  I just think it's so, I think you've, I, me and Lou. Talk about everything and share everything, I think, which like, but I remember the only time I've ever said, don't tell people about this. Was when I microwaved every single key we owned.

• 24:17Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 24:18Speaker 04

  Because I was embarrassed. But then I told everyone within four hours.

• 24:21Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 24:22Speaker 04

  But I was, I was thinking about keeper. I just don't think it's good. I think if you say it out loud, it takes the pressure off. And then also you can learn from it slightly.

• 24:31Speaker 05

  Yes, yes.

• 24:32Speaker 04

  Can't be arm resting fifteen-year-old children and also not be able to be speaking about it in case you're embarrassed.

• 24:42Speaker 05

  This episode is brought to you by Hollyoaks on Channel Four, which we can't discuss without bringing up Mr. Rob Beckett's performance on the show. Tell me about it, Rob.

• 24:50Speaker 04

  I played Sunshine.

• 24:52Speaker 05

  Is that the guy that helped Warren Fox escape prison in twenty twenty-four?

• 24:56Speaker 04

  Yes, it is. So basically, we did it for Rob and Ramesh, stunt trains. I did a stunt.

• 25:01Speaker 05

  Honestly, Rob, when I was a teenager, the thought of being in Hollyoaks, that was different level. You have lived that experience, Rob.

• 25:10Speaker 04

  You've got, when you're next on tour, you've got to go in, it's amazing.

• 25:13Speaker 05

  Hollyoaks is one of the great British institutions, isn't it, Rob?

• 25:17Speaker 04

  Now, Josh, I don't want to be too sort of arrogant, but I thought it would be impossible for them to top my storyline.

• 25:24Speaker 05

  I don't think they can do it, Rob. I don't think they can do it.

• 25:25Speaker 04

  I'm going to stop you there. They're really going for it this summer. You've got a wild Dee Dee Hutchinson storyline where she falls deeper into substance abuse. And then gets sent to rehab by her very concerned dad, Tony.

• 25:36Speaker 05

  Plus legendary Cindy Cunningham's back and causing chaos already. Falling out with her niece Beth over a shocked surrogacy secret reveal. Ooh, that's just a taste of all the chaos, drama and shocking revelations. Hollyoaks always delivers. Get involved, you won't regret it.

• 25:51Speaker 04

  Also, do you know what? What? Sunshine didn't die. I can always come back.

• 25:56Speaker 05

  Oh, stream new episodes of Hollyoaks every Monday to Wednesday on Channel Four.

• 26:00Speaker 01

  From the studio that brought you WandaVision.

• 26:02Speaker 02

  I was an Avenger, but I'm not a hero anymore.

• 26:08Speaker 01

  The Vision returns for the final chapter of the groundbreaking trilogy. That family wasn't real.

• 26:13Speaker 03

  You sure about that? I had a father called Vision. How is this possible?

• 26:19Speaker 01

  Don't miss the two-episode premiere of Marvel Television's Vision Quest. Nothing bonds a family together quite like Mortal Jeopardy. Now streaming on Disney Plus.

• 26:32Speaker 06

  Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress, a hoodie slips beneath a blazer. An old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season. You create it layer by layer until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.

• 27:04Speaker 04

  My dad used to rip open Yellow Pages, rip Yellow Pages apart.

• 27:07Speaker 05

  He liked Jeff Capes.

• 27:08Speaker 04

  As a party trick, yeah.

• 27:09Speaker 05

  So how many Yellow Pages would he have?

• 27:12Speaker 04

  He'd do one Yellow Pages.

• 27:13Speaker 05

  Yeah, and then you'd need a new Yellow Pages.

• 27:16Speaker 04

  No, but yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You just, the Yellow Pages would be enough. I remember actually looking for it once, just reading the top half and a piece at the bottom because we kept it.

• 27:24Speaker 05

  Oh, he'd do it horizontally?

• 27:26Speaker 04

  Yeah, you have to do it that way, yeah.

• 27:28Speaker 05

  Yeah, wow.

• 27:29Speaker 04

  So like break, so to unrip the spine at the end.

• 27:31Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 27:32Speaker 04

  But luckily, he's always been able to do it because.

• 27:35Speaker 05

  Easier these days, isn't it?

• 27:36Speaker 04

  Well, exactly, as he's aged, the Yellow Pages has become more manageable.

• 27:42Speaker 04

  But in his head, he's still.

• 27:44Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's good.

• 27:45Speaker 04

  He's got balls still, has got big hands. He's not, you know, he's not been amputated or dead, but he's always had big hands, big, strong hands for a little fella.

• 27:53Speaker 05

  Weird and interesting things your kids are obsessed with?

• 27:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 27:57Speaker 05

  Hi, Rob and Josh. My seven-year-old son has been obsessed with gas tanks and canisters for the last year. The flow gas Cala type, Cala gas type ones that you get in caravans off a barbecue.

• 28:10Speaker 04

  Now, I should point out here, as someone that did a Cala Gas Corpora, two separate companies, very much competitors. Flow gas, Cala gas, separate entities.

• 28:18Speaker 05

  The Pepsi and Coke of gas canisters.

• 28:21Speaker 04

  And I've told you this when they asked me to do material about gas.

• 28:25Speaker 05

  No.

• 28:25Speaker 04

  Have you ever mentioned this?

• 28:26Speaker 05

  Well, maybe.

• 28:27Speaker 04

  Just before I go on stage at the Cala Gas Corpora.

• 28:30Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 28:30Speaker 04

  If you could do some material about gas, that'd be great. I was just like. I mean, that's a, because if you say like, it's an IT company or a travel company, you can sort of do an holiday thing or.

• 28:41Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 28:41Speaker 04

  Computer says, nah, gas.

• 28:44Speaker 05

  Well, the other thing is, I, I think if you've got IT, you've probably, you've got some. You've got some crossover material in your back pocket.

• 28:53Speaker 04

  Absolutely, yeah.

• 28:55Speaker 05

  The, the chances they're implying there are, you have material on gas.

• 29:00Speaker 04

  But it's time.

• 29:02Speaker 05

  But up until this point, you weren't thinking of using it for the Cala Gas Corpora.

• 29:06Speaker 04

  Oh, thanks for reminding me. I've got my, I did an hour show at Edinburgh on gas, didn't I? Is that why you booked me? But then all I did was I just went on and slagged off the competitor.

• 29:17Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 29:18Speaker 04

  And they loved that. In one year, I did Domino's and Papa John's and slagged off either of them or each other's.

• 29:24Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 29:24Speaker 04

  I felt great.

• 29:25Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 29:25Speaker 04

  Felt like Robin Hood.

• 29:28Speaker 05

  Okay. One of his favourite weekend activities is going to the petrol station to look at the ones they keep in the cages outside. For a while, we had to find YouTube videos of people installing the tanks into their caravans. Or explaining the pros and cons of propane and butane in certain temperatures.

• 29:44Speaker 04

  Jesus.

• 29:45Speaker 05

  Our friends kept giving us their old helium tanks for him to pretend with. At one stage, I think we had about seven of them in our living room. Seems like he may be moving on to street sweepers now, so we'll see what the high end tells.

• 29:56Speaker 04

  So he didn't like, like it, the flame or using it, he just liked the shape of it.

• 30:01Speaker 05

  All learning a lot, as you can imagine, Jenny, sorry.

• 30:03Speaker 04

  No, but so, so it was like just the shape and the actual canister as opposed to the contents.

• 30:08Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 30:09Speaker 04

  Because he's like, you know, because the obvious progression there is.

• 30:11Speaker 05

  Fascinating, isn't it? What is the psychology of what you just get into and why it.

• 30:19Speaker 05

  Why it triggers something in your mind that you're like, that is the thing I really like. Do you know what I mean?

• 30:26Speaker 04

  Well, I, so I've looked into this slightly with, I don't know about as children, but as adults. So I'm obsessed with football shirts. But I remember not being able to afford football shirts because they're very expensive as a kid. And then I remember my, I needed a football kit for school and my mum got me an England kit from the market. But she didn't realise that the badge had to be sewn on.

• 30:49Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 30:50Speaker 04

  So I got it out the bag and as I lifted it, I remember in the changing room, the badge fell off. And that, and I was like, all the kids saw, which is quite funny, but when you're eight, it's like your whole world just swivels up. So now obviously I'm obsessed with bits, trying to get what I couldn't have when I was younger.

• 31:07Speaker 05

  Yeah. But when you're a seven-year-old.

• 31:10Speaker 04

  My mum and dad did get me an Arsenal shirt for Christmas, but they let me have it early because I was so upset. So that was very nice of them. But then that sparked a thing. I think Jonathan Ross is the same with toys.

• 31:19Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 31:19Speaker 04

  He collects toys.

• 31:21Speaker 05

  But that, that, that's fine. And I get that. And you can see that in loads of things. I mean, that's a lot of kind of midlife crises, which yours isn't. But are people trying to make up for things they felt they kind of, do you know what I mean? Like having a fast car or whatever.

• 31:39Speaker 04

  No, I think that's different though, isn't it? That's more like a.

• 31:43Speaker 04

  I don't know. Well, is it midlife crisis to just get a nice car if you've got the money?

• 31:46Speaker 05

  No, but, no, no, I, but you know, like midlife crisis stuff, like, you know, I can do this now. This thing I always didn't have and always wanted. I can now take up karate or whatever.

• 32:01Speaker 04

  Also, go on.

• 32:04Speaker 05

  But with kids, it's it's not a reaction to anything. So.

• 32:10Speaker 04

  They just love it.

• 32:11Speaker 05

  Why does a kid like, you know, I, it's the kind of weird thing when you see people getting their kids into stuff. I always find that so fucking weird.

• 32:24Speaker 04

  Just let them like what they like.

• 32:25Speaker 05

  Just let them like what they like. They might not like football. So don't put them in the kit and take them to the game and say, this is your first game and this is big for you and blah, blah. Do you know what I mean?

• 32:35Speaker 04

  Well, imagine Francis, you know, Francis Bourgeois.

• 32:38Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 32:38Speaker 04

  The train guy. He's now like the new grand tour, Top Gear presenter, right? Lovely guy. Really like, imagine him being put in a football kit and he stood there going, I just wanna go to the train station again, mum.

• 32:49Speaker 05

  And and it's this kind of thing of, oh, maybe I should like this because my parents like it. Do you know what I mean?

• 32:54Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 32:55Speaker 05

  Or.

• 32:56Speaker 04

  But my dad hates football, doesn't hate football, no interest in football whatsoever. He loved cars. Me and my brothers could not give a shit about cars.

• 33:04Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 33:04Speaker 04

  No interest in it whatsoever.

• 33:05Speaker 05

  He needed me. He needed me with my bloody petrol head knowledge.

• 33:09Speaker 04

  All your car stuff.

• 33:11Speaker 05

  Yeah, but.

• 33:12Speaker 04

  We just love football growing up and and could do games.

• 33:15Speaker 05

  Exactly.

• 33:16Speaker 04

  And having a good laugh, right?

• 33:19Speaker 05

  It was just banter then, wasn't it? It was just good, honest banter.

• 33:22Speaker 04

  Toxic banter.

• 33:24Speaker 05

  Quite toxic, you know, toxic, quite banter that will stick with you forever.

• 33:29Speaker 04

  Yeah, with sort of borderline, you know, misogynistic kind of terms of phrase.

• 33:35Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 33:36Speaker 04

  Um, but that was, that was the nineties.

• 33:38Speaker 05

  That was the nineties. It was a great time. First week of university fails. Hi, Rob and Josh. Love the show, Mum and Two.

• 33:45Speaker 05

  I have a story about my first week at uni and a fail through sheer embarrassment that never left me my entire uni career. Please keep me anonymous so I don't have to drive embarrassment all over again. I arrived in my uni halls on my first day, eager to make some friends like most people. I knew no one. My friends, specifically my dad, helped me carry in my new stuff from the car to move it into my new room. My dad walked into the bedroom, which was quite dated and looked like it could do with a lick of paint. He smiled, looked at me. As one of my potential new friends came into the room and said, I remember this from. For context, I went to the same uni where my parents met and had chosen to live in the same halls that they did.

• 34:28Speaker 04

  Oh, no, no, no.

• 34:30Speaker 05

  My dad then went on to explain that in his uni days, prior to meeting my mum, he'd been quite the lad and had a few one night stands, including one in this very room I was now gonna call my own.

• 34:42Speaker 04

  Why is he saying? Just don't mention it. Why mention it?

• 34:46Speaker 05

  I assumed that at least they'd changed the mattresses since the eighties. I shriveled up in embarrassment. My new friend thought it was absolutely the funniest thing ever and continued to piss out of me for months. I had to spend the years sleeping in the same bed that I knew my dad, as a twenty something year old student, had had sex in. Safe to say, this image scarred me for an incredibly long time, even if it did help break the ice with my new uni flatmates from anon.

• 35:13Speaker 04

  Uh, this, it's mainly, it's not, it's, it's not all women. It's not mainly, it's more men than women that do this. Can I just say, as a message to sort of dads, it's not about you anymore. Let it be the kids' first weekend at uni. Who in their right mind walks in and goes, I used to fuck in this room?

• 35:31Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 35:32Speaker 04

  Night night, daughter.

• 35:33Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 35:33Speaker 04

  Bye. Just shut up.

• 35:39Speaker 05

  Oh, God.

• 35:40Speaker 04

  He says that as a man who's on a podcast twice a week talking about what he's been up to, but.

• 35:44Speaker 05

  You know, you don't, you don't broadcast it at your daughter's halls.

• 35:49Speaker 04

  No, I don't podcast live from the mess room.

• 35:53Speaker 05

  Coming live from the University of Durham, or whatever.

• 35:58Speaker 04

  Why would you say that, though? Right, let's go something else. Let's move away from that. Right, do we got, um, parent, oh, solid, we got parenting help or parenting hell? Do you wanna hear it?

• 36:07Speaker 05

  Yeah, go on.

• 36:09Speaker 04

  So long and strap in. Hello, thoughts on how I handled this situation that occurred to me recently? Whilst on holiday, my wife and two young kids on a Spanish island, we went to a restaurant for lunch. The restaurant overlooked the beach and was fairly empty, with maybe two or three of the tables next to the windows taken out of about fifteen. We sat down at a table away from the other guests, ordered some traditional local chicken nuggets and chips.

• 36:33Speaker 05

  Classic.

• 36:34Speaker 04

  And started our meal. Just as our food arrived, a couple who were probably in their late fifties or early sixties came and sat on the table directly behind us, despite there being plenty of other empty tables. He immediately lit a cigarette. The direction of the wind coming in from the window meant all the smoke blew away from him and all over our table. Annoying, but I thought it'd only last a minute or two. However, the moment his first cigarette was finished, he lit another. As before, all the smoke came across the table. Again, annoying, but assumed that would be it. As before, as soon as the cigarette was over, he lit another. I thought perhaps he didn't realise his smoke was blowing all over the family behind him. I tapped him on the shoulder and politely asked if we could stop or move to the table on the other side of us.

• 37:18Speaker 04

  We were still in the middle of eating our meal and their drinks had not been delivered, so it wouldn't have been a problem for them to move to the other table that was exactly the same. He glanced up at me, looking at me like I was a piece of shit. He then just simply gestured to all the empty tables and told me to move if it bothered me. I again politely explained we were in the middle of eating and his smoke was blowing all over my children. His reaction to me politely requesting him not to smoke over children was to turn to my son, a five year old child, and take a big pull of his cigarette and blow smoke directly into his face.

• 37:53Speaker 05

  Fucking hell. Awful to say it.

• 37:56Speaker 04

  But legend.

• 38:00Speaker 04

  I think I picked my side. It's absolutely.

• 38:06Speaker 04

  He blew smoke directly into the face of a child. I genuinely think I might physically attack someone if they did that to my kids.

• 38:12Speaker 05

  Of course, it's mad.

• 38:14Speaker 04

  I've never felt rage flood over me like that before. However, as much as I wanted to throw him out the window, I think, I thought that might not be the best example to my kids, or maybe it would have. So I went to the waiter, asked for the bill and said we need to leave. By the time the waiter arrived with the bill and asked if there was a problem, my new friend had lit yet another cigarette, purposely blowing smoke in our direction, and had moved his chair back closer to the table to ensure the smoke had less distance to travel before wafting over my children.

• 38:41Speaker 05

  That's his mantle.

• 38:43Speaker 04

  I explained the problem loudly, using some choice words to describe the other customer

• 38:48Speaker 04

  to the waiter. I paid the bill and went to leave. However, this nice gentleman moved his chair so far back, my son had barely room to get out from under the table. As I moved his chair back as far as I could, it touched old Smokey, causing him to flail around like Rivaldo at the two thousand and two World Cup.

• 39:05Speaker 05

  Great reference.

• 39:06Speaker 04

  Before protesting to the waiter like after a penalty. The waiter looked confused and his wife looked like she was about to die from embarrassment. As we were leaving the restaurant, I was worried I'd handled the situation with too much maturity. So as we were about to exit, I caught his eye. Mime some expletives at him and gave him the middle finger. I missed his reactions, we disappeared around the corner and I heard the screech of tables and chairs moving as he tried to get up quickly, him yelling something at me and saw waiters rush over to calm him down. Was I being a coward or are you with me in solidarity?

• 39:38Speaker 05

  Yeah, he's awful.

• 39:40Speaker 04

  He's an awful, awful man.

• 39:42Speaker 05

  Yeah, you should have done more, to be honest.

• 39:44Speaker 04

  I would, yeah, I, I genuinely think.

• 39:46Speaker 05

  Well, no, you should have. You, you handled it very well. You had every right, I should say, to have done more.

• 39:52Speaker 04

  I think I would have done more and I'm very impressed with how he dealt with that.

• 39:55Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 39:56Speaker 04

  What would you have done, Josh, in that situation?

• 39:59Speaker 05

  I think I wouldn't have got the bill and left. I'd have got the waiter and complained and said, he need, you need to do something about this guy.

• 40:05Speaker 04

  Yeah, I think I might have done that, but if I, if I was leaving, I think I would have walked over to the waiter, put, moved the kids in the car and said to the waiter, I'm gonna go up to this man and get as close to his face as I can and call him a dirty little [BLEEP]. And you might wanna be there to sort of break it up because it probably will kick off.

• 40:25Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 40:26Speaker 04

  In a way to make me look quite scary and hard, but also know that, that they could break it up in case.

• 40:30Speaker 05

  I think I'd have ordered the hottest liquid they had.

• 40:35Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 40:36Speaker 05

  Ideally, they'd have done custard as the pudding.

• 40:41Speaker 04

  No, that's not the hottest liquid.

• 40:44Speaker 05

  What's the hottest liquid?

• 40:45Speaker 04

  Just boiling water, isn't it? With sugar in it.

• 40:47Speaker 05

  Yeah, but I couldn't have said, but the thing custard is, I say it's stick or stick.

• 40:51Speaker 04

  Creme anglaise. I've been doing Duolingo. Do you have any floating island or creme?

• 40:57Speaker 04

  So you've got hot custard, yeah?

• 40:59Speaker 05

  Yeah, and I'd have splattered it in his face.

• 41:02Speaker 04

  Do you know what? What I might have done is, that, that, I tell you what, I think hot is, that is like GBH. You could like go to prison for assault. What I would do, I think actually on reflection, rather than do the swear wordy stuff, buy a cornetto.

• 41:17Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 41:18Speaker 04

  Eat all the chocolate bit of the tom, of the top, lick it so it's sweat and walk up behind him. Because I imagine this old bloke's bald and just squash it on his head.

• 41:28Speaker 05

  Like he's a unicorn.

• 41:29Speaker 04

  Yeah. Really.

• 41:31Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 41:32Speaker 04

  Do you reckon he was Spanish and, um, didn't like tourists, maybe?

• 41:37Speaker 05

  Where were they? Spain?

• 41:38Speaker 04

  Spain.

• 41:39Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 41:39Speaker 04

  Because he didn't say if he was English or Spanish. He might be.

• 41:42Speaker 05

  He was Spanish. He doesn't, surely.

• 41:45Speaker 04

  I reckon they're Spanish and that's his table. He sits there every day and he was annoyed kids were there, so he thought, I'll just keep smoking until they move.

• 41:53Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 41:54Speaker 04

  I don't know. Anyway, he was horrible. I'm on your side, Si.

• 43:04Speaker 05

  Boomer grandpounding, Rob.

• 43:06Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 43:07Speaker 05

  Hi, Josh, Rob and Michael. Your Beyond Boomer story reminded me of a story my auntie loves to tell from when she was a girl in the late 60s. The family lived in the town of the Yorkshire Dales and my grandparents also owned a house in the nearby countryside. Pretty basic with no electricity, water, et cetera. Pretty basic.

• 43:28Speaker 05

  My auntie, aged 12, and her friend were, who was the same age, loved to have an adventure by going to camp out in the house overnight on their own. One night, my grandad dropped them both off in the Land Rover, telling them he'd be back in the morning. On leaving, he gave my auntie a shotgun. Being a country girl, she knew how to shoot and told her that if anyone came up to the house that she could shoot them. Jesus wept. Off we went to the pub and the girls had a lovely evening chilling out. When it got dark, they heard a car approaching and both started to get a bit freaked out. On orders, they looked out of the window trembling with the shotgun, wondering what on earth they should do.

• 44:12Speaker 05

  They saw the car pull up and someone get out. My auntie was terrified, but as per orders, she readied the gun, only to hear my pissed grandad saying, "Don't shoot, don't shoot." He decided to check on the girls on his way back from the pub.

• 44:26Speaker 04

  Oh, God.

• 44:27Speaker 05

  Drunk driving presumably as well. No harm to die, but unimaginable today. My auntie does like to remind us that all of the day she nearly shot her dad. Stay sexy and relatable, Laura at near Oxford.

• 44:41Speaker 04

  So was she 12?

• 44:42Speaker 05

  Yeah. Different world, Rob. It was a different world.

• 44:46Speaker 04

  Pretty basic, just a gun, no running water or electricity.

• 44:49Speaker 05

  Just, just a gun.

• 44:51Speaker 04

  Doesn't sound like a fun place to stay.

• 44:52Speaker 05

  No, it doesn't sound fun if you're taking a shotgun just in case.

• 44:57Speaker 04

  Um, right. Shall we do another one?

• 44:59Speaker 05

  One more, one more.

• 45:00Speaker 04

  One more, one more. Okay, Josh, we've got a couple of normal people with famous names here. 10 years ago, I went to high school with a boy called Spike Lee.

• 45:09Speaker 05

  That is mad.

• 45:10Speaker 04

  Obviously, as young teenagers, none of us tweaked the correlation, but only as I've gotten older, I've realised how weird it was for our Spike to be the pale blonde white boy with glasses.

• 45:19Speaker 05

  So was he called Spike or had people called him Spike?

• 45:22Speaker 04

  Well, everyone had called him Spike Lee. Maybe Spike was a nickname. That was from Lois.

• 45:27Speaker 05

  That's good.

• 45:28Speaker 04

  Oh, hello, yeah. Josh's one. Hi there. Just wanted to say a big thanks to Rob Beckett. It's always nice to finish an episode. Been thankful to me. Me and my partner were trying for a baby for six months with no success. It wasn't until we saw Rob's giraffe show in Dublin on the 27th of September 2025 that we conceived our baby girl, April, who was born a few weeks ago. I guess talking about cleaning hamster vaginas was the kit we needed.

• 45:55Speaker 05

  Oh, my word.

• 45:57Speaker 04

  Happy to be of assistance.

• 46:00Speaker 05

  There you go, Rob. No one. Thank God you're back on the stand-up circuit come this autumn if people.

• 46:05Speaker 04

  Who knew my mirth could make people horny and happy? And fertile.

• 46:12Speaker 05

  Right, Rob. Michael sent me an email just for me.

• 46:16Speaker 04

  Okay, that's interesting.

• 46:18Speaker 05

  Dear Rob.

• 46:20Speaker 04

  Hmm, just to Rob?

• 46:22Speaker 05

  Yeah. You have denied stealing Fraser's toast.

• 46:25Speaker 04

  Okay, okay.

• 46:27Speaker 05

  Here we go, here we go.

• 46:29Speaker 04

  Let's lock in.

• 46:31Speaker 05

  Uh, Fraser's toast went in Greece. Um, you called Fraser a little prick and told me to go fuck myself.

• 46:39Speaker 04

  Yep, I did.

• 46:40Speaker 05

  One might suggest this isn't the response of an innocent man.

• 46:51Speaker 05

  Uh, Fraser tells me he has nothing to hide and is happy to answer the questions you posed as part of your defence to his accusation.

• 46:57Speaker 04

  I can't.

• 46:57Speaker 05

  Question one.

• 46:58Speaker 04

  Go on.

• 46:59Speaker 05

  Did Fraser choose sourdough toast? Answer: Probably not because he was six at the time.

• 47:06Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 47:06Speaker 05

  His story was that you were at the toast with one of your children. He wonders if the normal white toast might have been for them.

• 47:11Speaker 04

  Oh, here we go. Here we go. It's all changing, is it?

• 47:15Speaker 05

  Did your kids only eat sourdough in 2022?

• 47:18Speaker 04

  My child. So my child stole your child's toast, not me. There we go. Thank you.

• 47:24Speaker 05

  You were making, you were making toast for your children.

• 47:28Speaker 04

  No, I didn't. I can't. I've stolen toast. What? My child would have put that on their plate and walked away with it. I've not stolen toast. My child has. Here we go. It all falls apart because the anecdote, the anecdote is not quite as interesting, is it?

• 47:41Speaker 05

  No, no, Rob. So you've taken the toast. You've been seen taking the toast.

• 47:47Speaker 04

  No, no, I still don't even know if that's true. No, but what I'm telling is it definitely wasn't. I definitely wouldn't take white. White toast gives me the shits.

• 47:54Speaker 05

  So you refused to take the toast for your child. If your child said, Daddy, could you make me a slice? How old was your youngest daughter in 2022?

• 48:02Speaker 04

  What, what is it now? Four years ago. So they would have been six and four.

• 48:07Speaker 05

  Yeah. So there's every chance you were taking toast for your four-year-old. You weren't making her.

• 48:12Speaker 04

  And there's every chance I wasn't.

• 48:14Speaker 05

  Yeah. Next question.

• 48:16Speaker 04

  Beyond reasonable doubt, remember? Beyond reasonable doubt.

• 48:19Speaker 05

  Next question. Was Fraser lying? You did accuse his son of being a liar.

• 48:23Speaker 04

  And called him a little prick.

• 48:25Speaker 05

  Like many six-year-olds, Fraser's relationship with the truth is generally self-serving. However, he tells me he had no interest in fabricating anecdotes for future workplace icebreakers.

• 48:44Speaker 05

  He points out that he can do bat flips and he has met Eden Hazard. Both of which are pretty cool.

• 48:51Speaker 04

  Yep, I'd say they would definitely be icebreakers beyond the toast. Yeah.

• 48:57Speaker 05

  I would mention that Fraser accused you.

• 48:58Speaker 04

  Eden Hazard at the buffet. Right.

• 49:04Speaker 05

  I would mention that Fraser accused you to your face later in the holiday. You were kind enough to push him and your children on a rope swing roundabout at the hotel play park and he shouted, "You stole my toast."

• 49:17Speaker 04

  Look at this. Look, so now, so now, look, it's all, so all this is coming out.

• 49:21Speaker 05

  So he was either doubling down on a lie or demonstrating the honesty of youth.

• 49:26Speaker 04

  See, all this, all this.

• 49:28Speaker 05

  To be fair, denied it then as well, but of course you did.

• 49:33Speaker 04

  Of course I did. I'm not, I don't eat white bread.

• 49:36Speaker 05

  I'm afraid that Fraser, uh, is unconvinced of your defence. You remain known as a toast thief in our house.

• 49:43Speaker 04

  Yeah. And do you know what Fraser's known as in our house? A little backflipping prick. Yeah. So why don't he backflip over to Eden Hazard for a slice of hovis? And get out of my life with his accusatory bollocks. Anyway, I hope he's all right. Oh, is he six? Should I stop? I need to stop having podcast beef with him. Oh, he's 10. Don't fuck yourself, Fraser. You're basically 15.

• 50:07Speaker 04

  I'll arm wrestle him. I'll tell you what, why don't I arm wrestle him for the truth?

• 50:17Speaker 05

  Oh, that's you from Glasgow.

• 50:19Speaker 04

  So potentially my child stole the toast. And I pushed him on a park because I'm such a great guy.

• 50:26Speaker 05

  She's such a great guy.

• 50:27Speaker 04

  That wasn't in the original email, was it? It was all negative.

• 50:30Speaker 05

  No, exactly. Oh, Rob. I went to a park yesterday.

• 50:34Speaker 04

  A park, yeah. It's not like you.

• 50:36Speaker 05

  Well, it's not anymore. We're at the beach and then we had some friends from London down. Obviously, they, they smelt the park. They know, they know which side their bread's buttered. I went in the park. I was like, this is fucking shite.

• 50:53Speaker 04

  I, I think the parks are nice.

• 50:56Speaker 05

  Play parks are shit.

• 50:58Speaker 04

  I don't mind a play park when they're big enough to, when they're big enough to go around on their own. I think it's quite nice to watch them play.

• 51:04Speaker 05

  Yeah, but I just don't enjoy it. Do you know what it was, Rob? PTSD from all those fucking parks.

• 51:11Speaker 04

  You did do Victoria Park too much, I think.

• 51:13Speaker 05

  That awful, I'm gonna say it, that awful park in Victoria Park with the big slide.

• 51:19Speaker 04

  You're such a little turncoat, you are.

• 51:20Speaker 05

  I am.

• 51:21Speaker 04

  Because you're all over it. You love it.

• 51:23Speaker 05

  Throwing stones down the slide to make it more slidy, sand and stones, pushing to go down the slide. Awful. Anyway.

• 51:34Speaker 04

  But you don't like parks anymore?

• 51:35Speaker 05

  No.

• 51:36Speaker 04

  No, it's over. Right, small business?

• 51:39Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 51:39Speaker 04

  There we go. Hello, you sexy, relatable beasts. I would like to give a small business shout out to Outfit Ready. My friend Theresa used to spend ages organising outfits, only for her three children to either grab whatever they found and mornings were stressful. Panic no more. She's created the cutest little zip bags to organise outfits by day, making packing for little ones an absolute breeze. Whether it's any upcoming holidays, sleepovers or trips to the grandparents, there's no more stress or mismatched clothes and parents can get ready in peace. It also helps children to have some independence in the morning and know what to wear each day. Um, the bags are designed with neurodiverse families in mind who thrive on structure and they're also reusable, recyclable and compostable.

• 52:22Speaker 04

  Compostable, yeah. Because tiny clothes shouldn't cause big headaches. Bag and outfit ready on Instagram. So it's search bag and outfit ready. B A G A N O U T F I T. Ready, R E A D Y. Probably the easiest word you could ever spell. Um, thank you, boys, from Sonara. There you go.

• 52:42Speaker 05

  Hi, Rob and Josh. By the way, if you want any of these links, they go up on our Instagram on Small Business Sundays.

• 52:50Speaker 04

  On the Instagram's Parenting Hell, isn't it?

• 52:53Speaker 05

  Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. But our Small Business Sundays on the Parenting Hell Instagram. I'd love to ask for a small business shout out for my son, Brandon. Brandon is 13. Since he was just two years old, he's been completely obsessed with vacuum cleaners, cleaning them, collecting them and watching endless YouTube videos about them. Last August, Brandon asked if I'd post on Facebook offering his services cleaning people's vacuum uh, cleaners over the summer holidays so he could turn his passion into a bit of pocket money. Brilliant.

• 53:20Speaker 04

  Good lad.

• 53:21Speaker 05

  He had no idea how much it would take off or how supportive people would be. Since then, he's built a thriving little business cleaning and servicing vacuums. This is the best one ever.

• 53:30Speaker 04

  How old is he?

• 53:31Speaker 05

  13.

• 53:32Speaker 04

  Oh, wow.

• 53:33Speaker 05

  And he's constantly learning how to repair different issues too. Brandon is such a kind soul. Everyone who meets him comment on how polite, thoughtful and bright he is and I honestly couldn't be prouder. We're based in a small village just outside Norwich and even just giving his Facebook or Instagram would mean the absolute world to him. He actually joked while I was listening to Parenting Hell, "Wouldn't it be funny if they gave my vacuum business a shout out?" So here I am trying to make that little dream come true. You can find him on both Facebook and Instagram at Brandon's Vacuum Cleaning Services. That's Brandon D O N at the end. Just to add, Brandon isn't on social media himself. All messages and content are managed by me and his dad. Thank you so much and please keep doing what you're doing. I've been listening since the very beginning.

• 54:15Speaker 05

  Now I have a second child, Brody, in June 2020 while working in our local hospital. Laura, no idea how, how many months. I'm 33.

• 54:25Speaker 04

  Brandon, good lad. That's such a lovely story. I almost want to break my vacuum cleaner driving to Norwich so he can fix it.

• 54:32Speaker 05

  That is straight into the, um, Small Business Hall of Fame alongside Jimmy Chippilata.

• 54:41Speaker 04

  Josh, I'll see you next time.

• 54:42Speaker 05

  There we go. See you next time.

• 54:45Speaker 04

  Do that when you're not listening. If you're distracted, you go, there we go.

• 54:51Speaker 05

  I know. It's really, um, do you know what? It's really radio host trying to queue up the next track while listening to a caller or a guy.

• 55:00Speaker 04

  There we go. Muse newborn. It's, uh, 9:52 on XF Radio X.

• 55:09Speaker 04

  All right. See you next time.

• 55:10Speaker 05

  Bye.

• 55:15Speaker 01

  From the studio that brought you WandaVision.

• 55:17Speaker 02

  I was an Avenger, but I'm not a hero anymore.

• 55:23Speaker 01

  The Vision returns for the final chapter of the groundbreaking trilogy. That family wasn't real.

• 55:28Speaker 03

  You sure about that? I had a father called Vision. How is this possible?

• 55:34Speaker 01

  Don't miss the two-episode premiere of Marvel Television's Vision Quest. Nothing bonds a family together quite like Mortal Jeopardy. Now streaming on your Disney+.

• 55:47Speaker 06

  Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly, the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress, a hoodie slips beneath a blazer, an old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season. You create it, layer by layer, until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.