Pod Insights Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe S12 EP41: Imagine This About this episode In this episode we go through some more of your amazing playground shaggers stories. Keep them coming in we love these hilarious tales of infidelity and mischief....
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Transcript 10,228 words · 7 speakers
0:01 Speaker 00 Low energy, unfocused, foggy? You might be dehydrated. Whether it's hot yoga, over 100 degree weather, or too much sun. Gator Light, with a specialized blend of five electrolytes, was scientifically designed to help move fluids into the body faster for rapid rehydration. Shop now at retailers nationwide. Gator Light: Hydrates Faster Than Water. Is it in you? Symptoms noted are signs of mild to moderate dehydration. Consult a healthcare professional if symptoms persist.
0:30 Speaker 01 Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lululemon Fall Drop, because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it. Lululemon's Fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces, so I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece, and head out, knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at lululemon.com.
1:00 Speaker 02 Ugh, I hate Mondays.
1:01 Speaker 03 King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Swirl Bite?
1:03 Speaker 02 Uh, Taylor Hansen? Sure, I'll try one. Mmm.
1:09 Speaker 04 Hey, let's get back to work, please.
1:10 Speaker 02 But Taylor Hansen's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites.
1:15 Speaker 04 Taylor Hansen? Nice.
1:17 Speaker 03 Try one.
1:18 Speaker 04 Mmm.
1:22 Speaker 04 King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites.
1:24 Speaker 05 There's nothing like it.
1:29 Speaker 05 This episode's brought to you by Pizza Express. School holiday heroes are back at Pizza Express to save half term. Order a full price main for yourself in one of their pizzerias before the 28th of May and they'll make the price of a piccolo meal disappear. So, super kids, eat free.
1:46 Speaker 04 Plus, mega teens can enjoy a classic pizza and soft drink for just £12. Incredible. Josh, school holiday heroes, what are we talking?
1:54 Speaker 05 Oh, do you know what?
1:55 Speaker 04 Yeah.
1:56 Speaker 05 I absolutely love for school holiday heroes. Is now we live in the country.
2:02 Speaker 04 Yeah.
2:03 Speaker 05 Opening the back door.
2:04 Speaker 04 Yeah.
2:04 Speaker 05 We've got a trampoline. That's my school holiday hero. That gets us through hours of school holiday. What about you?
2:10 Speaker 04 Can I prove upon your trampoline?
2:12 Speaker 05 Yeah.
2:12 Speaker 04 Heatwave, bit hot, twenty five degrees, maybe twenty two degrees, sprinkler.
2:16 Speaker 05 Oh.
2:16 Speaker 04 Running the sprinkler, jumping it. Wetting the sprinkler, drying the trampoline.
2:20 Speaker 05 Beautiful, beautiful times.
2:22 Speaker 04 School holidays can be a juggle, but Pizza Express holiday heroes help keep everyone happy.
2:27 Speaker 05 Download your code at pizzaexpress.com or redeem within the app.
2:34 Speaker 04 Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with.
2:37 Speaker 06 Finn, can you say Rob Becky?
2:42 Speaker 06 And can you say Josh Widdicombe?
2:47 Speaker 06 Over that.
2:48 Speaker 05 There we go.
2:49 Speaker 04 That's very cute.
2:50 Speaker 05 Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. Love the pod. Been listening since before we had kids. This is my little boy Finn, saying your name's aged two point five, uh, two and a half. He's now nearly three and has been joined by his not so little baby brother Ted in March this year, weighing, whoa, zzz, ten pounds, five ounces.
3:11 Speaker 04 Oh, that's a whopper, innit?
3:12 Speaker 05 That's a whopper. I'm originally from Cockermouth, come on.
3:15 Speaker 04 Go on.
3:16 Speaker 05 Uh, but now live in Kendal and we were at Rob's infamous Kendal gig.
3:23 Speaker 04 I, I feel harsh at the Kendall gig because I do slag it off a little bit, but.
3:26 Speaker 05 We enjoyed it despite the knobhead heckler. Thanks, Hannah.
3:29 Speaker 04 Was there a knobhead heckler? I can't remember.
3:31 Speaker 05 Don't know.
3:31 Speaker 04 It was Sunday night in a leisure centre and then someone was having a go.
3:34 Speaker 05 I, that Kendall Leisure Centre is hilarious because you can see the basketball hoops while you're performing.
3:39 Speaker 04 Yeah, and like.
3:42 Speaker 04 I just think when I'm performing, I see basketball hoops. I just don't know if I'm in the right place.
3:47 Speaker 05 I know, it's wild.
3:48 Speaker 04 You know what I mean?
3:48 Speaker 05 It's wild. Rob.
3:50 Speaker 04 Yeah.
3:51 Speaker 05 We don't do enough correspondence. We always discuss this.
3:54 Speaker 04 Yeah. Also, I'm wearing a. France shirt, because I'm excited about the World Cup.
3:57 Speaker 05 Beautiful, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. So are you going?
4:00 Speaker 04 No, I'm working and it's Lou's birthday, so we're busy with that kind of stuff. But no World Cup matches for me, but I've got the sticker book.
4:09 Speaker 05 How are you going to approach the World Cup as a dad?
4:12 Speaker 04 Yeah.
4:12 Speaker 05 Right? Because let's keep it on brand. So from what I'm aware, and I haven't looked into it deeply, correct me if I'm wrong, the kick-offs are from 9pm to 2am, something like that?
4:22 Speaker 04 Yeah, so it's a bit difficult because back in the day, this would be perfect for me as a jobbing comedian because
4:27 Speaker 05 Yes.
4:27 Speaker 04 you basically finish work, I'd go on, if I want touring.
4:30 Speaker 05 But 9pm is my bedtime now.
4:33 Speaker 04 Yeah, well, 10 o'clock's mine. So there's games on at like silly o'clock. That one's 3am and 8 o'clock. So there's games late, but I think I'm going to do it on a game by game basis. Because sure, you know, like Netherlands, Japan, 9 o'clock. I'm all over that, Josh. I don't know about you. I'm like bang up for that. But in certain games, and you know, you shouldn't have favourites.
4:52 Speaker 05 Take me through the first five games.
4:53 Speaker 04 Well, I'll be honest with you. Am I staying up till 3am to watch Canada play Qatar?
4:59 Speaker 04 No. If I wanted to watch that level of football, then I'd just go to Goals in Elmer's End.
5:04 Speaker 05 Do you know what? I'd step to 3am to watch Johnny Marr play guitar, but certainly not Canada play guitar.
5:09 Speaker 04 So first game is Mexico, South Africa in Mexico at 8 o'clock on Thursday, 11th of June.
5:15 Speaker 05 Count me in.
5:15 Speaker 04 Yes, please. And then after that, I think there's Korea, Czech Republic at 3am.
5:20 Speaker 05 Count me out.
5:21 Speaker 04 Count me out, yeah. 8 o'clock next day, Canada, Bosnia, Herzegovina.
5:25 Speaker 05 I mean, why not?
5:26 Speaker 04 Let's not get bogged down by this and let's fuck in the playground.
5:30 Speaker 05 Okay, yeah.
5:30 Speaker 04 Let's shag on the monkey bars.
5:32 Speaker 05 Oh, let's do it in the big tractor tyre.
5:36 Speaker 04 Yeah, let's suck in the swing.
5:38 Speaker 05 Let's hump on the hopscotch.
5:40 Speaker 04 Let's make out on the merry-go-round.
5:42 Speaker 05 Exactly.
5:42 Speaker 04 What are the other ones? What's the one that goes at seesaw?
5:45 Speaker 05 Oh, so you're thinking of that kind of playground.
5:47 Speaker 04 Let's get your arse sore on the seesaw.
5:49 Speaker 05 Surely the playground is the school playground, isn't it?
5:53 Speaker 04 Here we go. This is a playground shagger special. If you're new to this, it's basically.
5:58 Speaker 05 And you've probably left.
6:03 Speaker 05 Be honest, you're not still here.
6:05 Speaker 04 You're gone.
6:06 Speaker 05 It's been an awful opening.
6:08 Speaker 04 Yeah.
6:09 Speaker 05 Oh, talking about an awful opening.
6:10 Speaker 04 Yeah, oh, Michael, I'm sure Michael had tied it up. Anyway, this is basically stories from school playgrounds where parents and teachers and stuff have got too close. Hey, lads, I went to school slash college with a boy, let's call him Dean. During high school, his dad had an affair with Dean's mum's mum.
6:31 Speaker 05 Sorry, sorry, say that again, so sorry. It's always so difficult, this, isn't it?
6:35 Speaker 04 You're shagging Rose's mum.
6:37 Speaker 05 Yeah, I know, but can we get on with the show?
6:38 Speaker 04 Oh, there we go, there we go. Lovely stuff, there we go.
6:43 Speaker 05 So the dad is shagging his mum.
6:45 Speaker 04 Yes, so Dean's nan became his step mum. No way, at parents' evening, all three of them would turn up.
6:52 Speaker 05 Well, they got together.
6:53 Speaker 04 Yeah.
6:54 Speaker 05 Oh, no, oh, no.
6:55 Speaker 04 Not just like a pump and dump, this was a lay and stay.
6:58 Speaker 05 Oh, my word.
6:59 Speaker 04 At parents' evening, all three of them would turn up like the extremely dysfunctional family they were.
7:04 Speaker 05 Why does the mother-in-law, I need to come to that, the step mum, and this isn't to have a go at stepparents, but I think if you have got together with your daughter's partner.
7:14 Speaker 04 Yeah.
7:14 Speaker 05 It's bare minimum polite to just let, just not turn up at parents' evening.
7:19 Speaker 04 Keep your nose out the curriculum and shove it up your daughter's ex-husband's arsehole, is that what you're saying?
7:26 Speaker 05 Not, not in so many words.
7:31 Speaker 04 That's what you're saying, Josh, if that's what you're saying, that's what you're saying, yeah?
7:34 Speaker 05 If that's what I'm saying, that's what I'm saying.
7:36 Speaker 04 Mr. Saturday night, can't do any of that, no, I've got to be the edge one, edge one.
7:39 Speaker 05 Yeah, the tabloids, you can quote me on that.
7:42 Speaker 04 Beckett, rude, tell you what, there's going to be loads of crude retort stuff, aren't they, now that you're going?
7:47 Speaker 05 Oh, my word, Rob, we're going to be misquoted every week of our lives forever. But do you know what, if it drives listeners, I don't care.
7:56 Speaker 04 If that converts into streams, fucking kerching, quote me as much as you fucking want, I'd sniff anyone's arsehole for a few more dollar.
8:03 Speaker 05 I think if you have an affair with someone and then get together with them.
8:08 Speaker 04 Yeah.
8:08 Speaker 05 You know, what the heart wants, the heart wants, right? But I think you've got to go, okay, what's the least awkward way of approaching this? Do you know what I mean?
8:17 Speaker 04 I just think there's other women out there that aren't my mother in law.
8:21 Speaker 05 Yeah, exactly. That's what you say to, that's what you've said to her every time.
8:25 Speaker 04 I say, Theresa, back off babe. You're a wonderful woman, but I just don't shit where you're fucking eat, sleep and drink.
8:34 Speaker 05 Oh my word. Imagine this. This is hot off the press.
8:38 Speaker 04 Imagine it. Sounds like your new podcast. Welcome to Imagine This by Josh Whittaker.
8:45 Speaker 05 A badger, but it's human size and it's riding a bicycle. Imagine this.
8:52 Speaker 04 Thank you. That's the end of Imagine This for this week. See you next week. That's quite a good idea for a TikTok channel.
9:00 Speaker 04 Cause in my head, the badger's really hunched and got tiny little arms.
9:06 Speaker 04 But quite aerodynamic because he snaps that one of the helmets.
9:09 Speaker 05 So you could all, you say, imagine this, then four people would discuss how they're imagining it.
9:13 Speaker 04 Yeah.
9:13 Speaker 05 Like I, I'm.
9:14 Speaker 04 And then you draw it.
9:15 Speaker 05 Yeah, that he's got a basket and he's kind of like a kind of Frenchman delivering bread. That's how I'm imagining it.
9:21 Speaker 04 My one's like proper. He's trying to go as fast as he can.
9:24 Speaker 05 He's doing the Tour de France.
9:25 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah. He's really, and he's got a really tight green, yellow jacket on.
9:29 Speaker 05 Yeah.
9:29 Speaker 04 Like he's leading.
9:30 Speaker 05 Imagine that. How do you imagine it, Michael?
9:36 Speaker 04 For the record, Michael, it's a, it's a false, it's a human sized badger riding a bicycle. Is that it, Josh?
9:41 Speaker 05 Yeah, I think there was another detail. I can't remember.
9:44 Speaker 04 Mine had Lycra, like, like racing Lycra, but it had, do you remember the massive tuft top helmets that you've got in middle school and early on? They were like polystyrene. You had a sort of disproportionately large one of those. So he looked like Toad from Mario. So we're all imagining it, aren't we? So where was your, I don't want to get bogged down by this, but I'm gonna. Mine's in the countryside. Where's your fella?
10:07 Speaker 05 Yeah, mine's going past like a kind of village green.
10:09 Speaker 04 Mine didn't have a background, but he was.
10:11 Speaker 03 Like I was imagining a sketch on paper.
10:14 Speaker 04 Ah, arty, imagine this.
10:17 Speaker 05 Send us in your imagine thises.
10:20 Speaker 04 Send us in your imagine.
10:22 Speaker 03 You know, like a garage forecourt birthday card, that sort of type of like really mad sketches.
10:27 Speaker 05 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a golfer kind of ticking, teeing off.
10:31 Speaker 04 Love. Yeah. Send in your more imagine thises and we'll imagine it for you.
10:35 Speaker 05 We'll imagine them for you. Right.
10:36 Speaker 04 And we'll just quickly imagine them for you in the middle.
10:41 Speaker 04 But Michael, what happens when you talk for the video, by the way, because I obviously haven't watched it back because I'm not fucking insane.
10:47 Speaker 05 It's just us, isn't it, listening?
10:49 Speaker 03 I was actually going to film a series of cutaways of me sat there, but with like differing masks and helmets on. So you never get to see my face, but one time I've got a Daft Punk helmet.
10:59 Speaker 05 I'm like Daft Punk. Yeah, yeah, that's nice.
11:03 Speaker 04 But at the moment, is it just us talking and listening while you talk back?
11:07 Speaker 03 If it's in the studio, then it's as wide shot. So it looks less weird. And if it's like this, I'll cut between whoever looks less weird out of you two listening.
11:18 Speaker 04 So Josh.
11:19 Speaker 05 Yeah. I tell you what is a question.
11:22 Speaker 04 Imagine this.
11:22 Speaker 05 If we were pouring the money into the socials in a kind of, we, we, those pictures would have been drawn on the screen as we were saying them. Do you know what I mean? They'd be like coming up.
11:33 Speaker 04 Yeah.
11:33 Speaker 05 And we'd be like, go onto our Spotify now because that, that's coming up and I can see it now. And it'd be coming out of our mind in a kind of thought bubble, but we're not doing that. Right. I, Rob and Josh. Literally last night, my, imagine this, my wife and I witnessed two playground shaggers being exposed at a school quiz night.
11:53 Speaker 04 No.
11:54 Speaker 05 Oh my God. Also, this is signed anon. Let's be honest, that is, they're gonna know, they're gonna know. During the interval, one of the school mums on the table next to us went to the loo. Oh no. Her husband clearly thought she'd be gone for a few minutes and started texting one of the other mums who was also at the quiz. This feels needless from him. I guess the loser all occupied or maybe she wanted to catch him out. No, that's not going to surely is occupied. As the wife came straight back, stood behind him and read the text messages over his shoulder.
12:26 Speaker 04 Oh my god.
12:27 Speaker 05 Jesus fucking Christ.
12:29 Speaker 04 So it feels like the wife is sort of aware that he may be messaging someone else. So
12:33 Speaker 05 Yeah.
12:33 Speaker 04 ducked out, came straight back to check.
12:35 Speaker 05 I think she's probably got a hunch and then she's come back. I think she's come back and she's seen her opportunity. I don't think she's thought, I'll lure him in with the toilet chat and then catch him. If I wanted to read someone's text messages, I wouldn't creep up behind them. I think, I presume, I know Rose's password. I could easily look at all of her text messages. Presumably you could do the same with Lou.
12:54 Speaker 04 Yeah, I can and I do.
12:56 Speaker 05 Exactly, exactly.
12:57 Speaker 04 Then you've got nothing to worry about if you read them all. Sometimes I reply as a...
13:02 Speaker 05 Yeah.
13:03 Speaker 04 Just helps get her admin down.
13:04 Speaker 05 Exactly. So you reply stuff like, I think we should call this quits. It's been a lovely month together in the hotel rooms, but I think...
13:11 Speaker 04 Stuff like that.
13:11 Speaker 05 Yeah, right. I guess the loser all... It absolutely kicked off. She snatched the phone out of his hand and went absolutely ballistic. Oh my god. She started screaming at him and at the other mum who was on the other side of the room.
13:23 Speaker 04 No, I'm in the room!
13:25 Speaker 05 Yeah, she was on the other side of the room looking panicked, stern. The husband tried to grab his phone back, needless.
13:31 Speaker 04 Your phone's gone.
13:32 Speaker 05 The horse has bolted. You can't get the genie back in the bottle. But she wrestled it off him, ran up to the husband of the other woman and showed him the screen, yelling that they were having an affair and that she'd suspected for ages.
13:44 Speaker 04 Oh, so the other husband's there as well. So it's not a single woman. She's married as well. The...
13:47 Speaker 05 Yeah.
13:48 Speaker 04 Oh, it's disgusting, isn't it?
13:49 Speaker 05 The woman he'd been cheating with ran out of the room crying and the other mum chased her, followed by a load of her mum friends who were trying to calm her down.
13:57 Speaker 04 Do you know what's the best about these situations? If you're really close to it, it's obviously very sad and horrible because there's two people that you know that are having a terrible time. But if you're a few, don't really know them that well, maybe your kid's in a different year, you're sat there with a pint going, this is the best school quiz night I've ever been to.
14:12 Speaker 05 Of course.
14:13 Speaker 04 Raising money for the PTA and this level of drama is absolutely first class.
14:18 Speaker 05 Of course, I'll chuck it.
14:20 Speaker 04 Quick, they're crying. She's crying. Look, and the mates are chasing.
14:22 Speaker 05 Do you know what? I'll chuck another tenner in. The two husbands then started squaring up to each other.
14:28 Speaker 04 Oh.
14:29 Speaker 05 I think if, once again, if you're the guy having the affair, I don't think you can square up to the other guy. You've got to go.
14:34 Speaker 04 No, my greatest fear is confronting someone that's fucking my wife and then them beating me up.
14:42 Speaker 04 That's the, I think we've spoken about this before, but that is-
14:45 Speaker 05 That's the most emasculating day of your life.
14:47 Speaker 04 Yeah, someone fucked your wife, then fucked you up.
14:51 Speaker 05 Two guys were squared up to each other, so me and other dads had to step in and break them up. Eventually, the cheaters and the cheetees all left the quiz. And what do you think they did, Rob? What would you have done in this situation?
15:03 Speaker 04 If all the four people involved, they completely left?
15:06 Speaker 05 Yeah.
15:07 Speaker 04 I'd have a quick look at the sheet, answer sheet.
15:09 Speaker 05 They declared the quiz a write-off.
15:11 Speaker 04 I think that's unfair. I think the quiz master agreed to do it and didn't really want to do it and saw a way out.
15:16 Speaker 05 Yeah.
15:18 Speaker 04 Do you know what I mean? There's still other people doing the quiz.
15:20 Speaker 05 Most of us stayed on for a drink at the bar and gossip about what we'd all just witnessed. I have no idea how this is all going to play out at the school gates, but I do worry about the children involved. Doesn't sound it.
15:29 Speaker 04 Nah, you don't give a fuck. You've just put that in there to look human.
15:32 Speaker 05 Well, he's added, but I'm not going to lie, it was brilliant.
15:36 Speaker 04 Yeah, perfect. Good. Good guy.
15:38 Speaker 05 As soon as we left, my wife and I turned to each other and said, "We've got to tell Rob and Josh about this."
15:51 Speaker 05 This episode is brought to you by Expedia and Visit Scotland. Some places you don't just visit, they shape the stories you carry long after you've left.
15:59 Speaker 04 Start your story in Scotland this spring and surround yourself with blooming scenery, fresh air-
16:03 Speaker 05 And farm animals making their grand debut.
16:05 Speaker 04 Josh, can I tell you something I love about Scotland?
16:07 Speaker 05 Please do.
16:08 Speaker 04 And it's going to shock you.
16:09 Speaker 05 Go on.
16:09 Speaker 04 We know how beautiful it is. We know the people are great.
16:11 Speaker 05 Oh, it's glorious.
16:12 Speaker 04 I'm into the food.
16:13 Speaker 05 Are you? Talk to me.
16:14 Speaker 04 You don't think of it straight away, but when I was in Glasgow and Edinburgh, yeah, they do all the Scottish stuff, obviously. However, they also do the curry like nowhere else I've been.
16:23 Speaker 05 I'd say it's the foodiest country in the UK.
16:26 Speaker 04 It's so good in Scotland.
16:27 Speaker 05 I think about this a lot. I went to Loch Ness. How serene I felt on the edge of Loch Ness.
16:33 Speaker 04 Yeah.
16:33 Speaker 05 I love the Highlands, Rob. It's beautiful. It's beautiful, Rob. Pick a home base and explore from there. Deep dive into the local food scene. Explore striking landscapes and discover deep history around every corner.
16:46 Speaker 04 It's easy to get to, easy to navigate and full of warm people who'll make you feel right at home. Start planning your own Scottish holiday today at expedia.co.uk/visitsscotland.
16:58 Speaker 00 Low energy, unfocused, foggy, you might be dehydrated. Gatorade Zero powders have been scientifically designed to help improve hydration balance in the body. With a clinically proven electrolyte blend and no artificial colours or flavours. Great tasting hydration, no matter where you're going. Shop now online or at retailers nationwide. Gatorade, hydrates better than water. Is it in you? Symptoms noted are signs of mild to moderate dehydration. Consult a healthcare professional if symptoms persist.
17:28 Speaker 01 Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lululemon fall drop because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it. Lululemon's fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces, so I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece and head out, knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at lululemon.com.
18:00 Speaker 05 There we go. Do you want to do the next one, Rob?
18:02 Speaker 04 Yeah, that was great. I love these. Thank you for sending them in. Hello. "Please keep me anonymous. I grew up in the 70s slash 80s, back when every estate had its own cast of characters. And as it turns out, the occasional scandal worthy of a soap opera. And I was involved, the Avon lady and the football pools man." Well, that's taken me back. Did you have the football pools?
18:22 Speaker 05 We didn't have a guy coming round, no. We had a village lottery syndicate, but we didn't have a-
18:27 Speaker 04 Sorry, I didn't know you was in a twee ITV drama. "The syndicate. Where ordinary folk have an extraordinary day."
18:37 Speaker 05 Yeah, and-
18:38 Speaker 04 "What shall we do with the millions, Arthur? Well, the pot plants could do the refresh, couldn't they?" "Where friendship and community means more than money." ITV this summer.
18:50 Speaker 05 Yeah, and then one of them gets murdered.
18:51 Speaker 04 Yeah, for the money. Yeah, my mum was an Avon lady and then we had the football pools man and there was a Cand- the Candice man.
18:59 Speaker 05 Candy man? You said his name three times.
19:01 Speaker 04 No, was it the Candice magazine? Around your Candice magazine, am I making this up?
19:06 Speaker 05 I don't know.
19:07 Speaker 04 Michael, who used to come around your house with stuff? He had the Pauls man, Avon lady, the Candice man.
19:11 Speaker 03 We had like what became Littlewoods, but it was the sort of catalogue guy that came around. Or we had the guy that would come around and collect the 50Ps from the gas and electricity meter in your house. The sort of wine dial up meter.
19:22 Speaker 04 Yeah, I ca- well, we had the Candice magazine, a magazine of Candice club, published monthly, a membership focused on health and family living. Food, gardening, travel, it's like a magazine subscription, but they'd come and deliver it to you and you'd pay for it. We had a geezer that used to come around with a van full of videos we'd rent.
19:37 Speaker 05 Yeah, we, we had a mobile library as well and we had, um, we had a milkman, did you have a milkman?
19:42 Speaker 04 Yeah, milkman.
19:43 Speaker 05 Um, but milkman, I don't even know if we had paper round.
19:46 Speaker 04 We didn't have a paper round, anyway, sorry. Let me carry on. Um, so anyway, so this scandal involves the Avon lady and the football Pauls man. Respectable enough on the surface, she with her catalogues of perfumes and bath sets, he with his weekly rounds collecting slips and hopeful pound notes. They were both married, both lived just a few doors apart and both seemed to bump into each other rather more often than just coincidence. At the time, most people just raised an eyebrow and carried on, but behind the scenes, the system was inventive.
20:16 Speaker 05 Yeah.
20:16 Speaker 04 They were used to envelopes for orders, money, scribble notes being passed back and forth. So they took advantage of it. Their own kids and a handful of other children from the estate became unwitting couriers.
20:29 Speaker 05 Oh, there we go.
20:30 Speaker 04 Ferrying sealed envelopes between the two as part of the usual comings and goings. No one thought much of it, it all looked perfectly ordinary. Obviously, this is seventies and eighties where there's no phone, mobiles.
20:41 Speaker 05 Of course, of course, Rob.
20:43 Speaker 04 It's all a written message. It was all normal until one day it wasn't.
20:48 Speaker 05 Great.
20:49 Speaker 04 One curious child, nosy little prick as they're known, expecting the usual, maybe a pound note, maybe an order for some bubble bath. Decided to have a peek inside the envelope marked from Pauls to Avon.
21:02 Speaker 05 So why are the Pauls and Avon interacting?
21:05 Speaker 04 I think what is happening is they'd get the Kids to go, oh, give that letter to number fifty seven. That's their slip for their pools.
21:12 Speaker 05 Oh, I see.
21:13 Speaker 04 Can you give that to this person? Cause that's the receipt or they've got so.
21:17 Speaker 05 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:17 Speaker 04 Stuff was getting dropped off all the time and kids love a little job. So I can, that's what I'm, I'm imagining.
21:22 Speaker 05 I get it.
21:23 Speaker 04 Anyway, so one curious child had a peek inside an envelope marked from Paul's to Avon.
21:30 Speaker 05 It's not nutty picks, is it?
21:32 Speaker 04 What they found instead was not.
21:33 Speaker 05 Lacy underwear.
21:34 Speaker 04 Not what anyone would call standard correspondence. It was a handwritten poem.
21:39 Speaker 05 Oh, no.
21:39 Speaker 04 Enthusiastic, unfiltered and very much not meant for young eyes.
21:45 Speaker 05 Oh, no.
21:46 Speaker 04 Describing one of their recent rather less than subtle al fresco rendezvous.
21:52 Speaker 05 Oh, my word.
21:52 Speaker 04 That child understandably shocked and fascinated in equal measure, did what children do best, told everyone and showed them. The secret didn't stand a chance. Within what felt like minutes, the whole estate knew the accidental meetings, the suspicious timing of the envelopes. It all clicked into place. What had been quite speculation had turned into full blown revelation. And the ending, almost as bold as the story itself, not long after the truth came out, both of them left their respective partners and set up home together.
22:20 Speaker 05 Of course.
22:21 Speaker 04 Scandalous, yes, but in its own strange way, oddly straightforward. The Avon lady and the Paul's man stopped pretending.
22:27 Speaker 05 Such a seventies, eighties story, isn't it? I love it.
22:29 Speaker 04 And the estate got a story it would be telling for decades.
22:32 Speaker 05 Oh, lovely.
22:33 Speaker 04 They were like little local legends to Paul's man on the Avon. Also so gender types, Paul's man, Avon lady, I'm not fucking about with perfumes.
22:40 Speaker 05 So what's Avon? Is that like perfumes and cosmetics?
22:44 Speaker 04 But in a magazine that you order.
22:46 Speaker 05 Right. Okay. Yeah.
22:47 Speaker 04 The M and M catalogue was a big deal when that used to get delivered to the house.
22:50 Speaker 05 We've got like a, a neighbourhood magazine. It's great.
22:53 Speaker 04 Oh, have you?
22:54 Speaker 05 Yeah. Saw it when I got home. Yeah. Talking about the news.
22:57 Speaker 04 Local resident Josh Widdicombe, new host of Strictly Come Dancing.
23:01 Speaker 05 Oh, I'll tell you what, there's like a quiz in it and stuff like, why was this person? It was like, there was one where it was like, why was Nigel Mansell seen at this bus stop in the late nineties?
23:12 Speaker 04 What, in the area? So it's a quiz about the area?
23:14 Speaker 05 Yeah. And it was like, oh, he was looking at one of the schools to see whether his daughter should go there. It was like incredible. How am I going to know that? Brilliant.
23:23 Speaker 04 That is a good quiz though, if you want to be aware of the local area.
23:26 Speaker 05 Yeah.
23:27 Speaker 04 How are you finding life in Exeter? You've been there not that much, have you really, recently?
23:31 Speaker 05 No, exactly. No, I am here now. This is it. I love it.
23:34 Speaker 04 For a month?
23:35 Speaker 05 Yeah, I really, really love life in Exeter. It's going well. I'm looking forward to having the house finished.
23:45 Speaker 04 I bet you are, because then once it's finished, you can start doing it again.
23:48 Speaker 05 Exactly, we can move. We can move further, further away from London.
23:51 Speaker 04 When's it going to be finished?
23:52 Speaker 05 Midsummer, I'd say.
23:54 Speaker 04 Can I give a little prediction?
23:55 Speaker 05 House versus Strictly, I suppose, is the big race.
24:00 Speaker 04 Yeah, what's going to be done first? The first episode of Strictly or the house? I think Strictly wins that. Do you want to bet on it?
24:07 Speaker 05 Yeah, I'll bet you.
24:09 Speaker 04 If your building work's not done, you've got to give me a shout out in the first episode of Strictly.
24:13 Speaker 05 Okay, and if it is done, you've got to come and do the terms and conditions one week.
24:17 Speaker 04 Deal.
24:22 Speaker 04 Sold to the man in the, in the, in the ballroom.
24:25 Speaker 05 In the ballroom.
24:26 Speaker 04 Do you want to do the next one? Do you want me to do it?
24:27 Speaker 05 I can do it. Please keep me anonymous, exclamation mark. I was the manager of a pub and made friends with some of the staff similar to my age. One of my friends was a couple. He was the chef and she worked front of house. She was also my assistant manager. I hope this isn't the guy saying that he's the shagger. By the way, we'll accept emails from the playground shagger themselves. We've never had that.
24:51 Speaker 04 Would love to hear it from the horse's mouth, the big horny horse.
24:54 Speaker 05 Particularly if you feel like your story has been told unfairly, feel free to, to give your side.
25:00 Speaker 04 And if you did do something mental, say you were Dean, you know, Dean and then Dean's dad starts shagging Dean's nan, let us know why. How fit we talking?
25:09 Speaker 05 Exactly. Now, this chef has a reputation for being a bit of a flirt, but since he met his girlfriend, he's calmed down and seemed happy.
25:16 Speaker 04 So this is the owner of the pub, yeah?
25:18 Speaker 05 Uh, no, manager, manager of the pub.
25:19 Speaker 04 Manager, yeah.
25:20 Speaker 05 He didn't like working the early mornings, but seemingly been swapping his shifts to do so, which was a bit peculiar. It was also noticed that my assistant manager had asked to swap her shifts too. Oh, they're not a couple?
25:32 Speaker 04 No, I don't think they're a couple. I think they're just two staff members.
25:36 Speaker 05 One of my friends was a couple. He was the chef and she was the front of house. So they've both been swapping.
25:40 Speaker 04 Front of house?
25:41 Speaker 05 House.
25:42 Speaker 04 House?
25:44 Speaker 05 Not poking two and two together, I just said, fine, yeah, fine, win, win for me not getting up in the morning to open up. On one particular shift, the chef had gone to get dressed to go on his split shift and one of my bar staff had gone up the stairs. And she found some love notes in his scrawny handwriting. So we knew they were his. Professing his love to someone and that he couldn't wait for them to be able to be out in the open. Thinking it was all a bit weird, the bar staff ran downstairs and showed us. Meanwhile, my assistant manager, looking absolutely shell shocked and was trying to redirect the conversation. We put the note down on the side to go and show someone else, only to find when we came back, it had gone and nobody could find it.
26:26 Speaker 04 At this stage, if they're not in relationships, it's just two people getting off at work, isn't it?
26:30 Speaker 05 Exactly. Fast forward a week later, my friend who worked front of house, who was also the chef's girlfriend, no. So he's, he's going out with a front of house person.
26:39 Speaker 04 Right.
26:39 Speaker 05 The assistant manager, sorry, isn't the front of house person.
26:43 Speaker 04 Right. So there's a front of house person is the chef's girlfriend.
26:45 Speaker 05 No, no.
26:46 Speaker 04 Right.
26:46 Speaker 05 He was a chef and she worked front of house. She was also my assistant manager.
26:50 Speaker 04 I feel like this has been written by some sort of fucking virgin that's never seen two people get off of each other at work. Am I wrong?
26:56 Speaker 05 Well, let's carry on. Fast forward a week later, my friend who, I don't understand what's going on. Can you pick it out? My friend who worked front of house, who was also the chef's girlfriend, approached me, saying she had a weird feeling that her boyfriend was out somewhere. He shouldn't have been as he didn't appear home for a couple of hours. He just said he got caught in traffic. I quickly said, don't be silly. You know, if he had to pop into town, town could be hectic. Well, two days passed and I had a phone call from my neighbour saying some weird cars had pulled up on my drive. And had accessed my house and they wanted to show me the CCTV. What's going on? I don't understand what's going on.
27:33 Speaker 04 I don't know. Maybe, oh, the chef is shagging someone else isn't his partner at the, the manager's house.
27:41 Speaker 05 Yeah. Thinking nothing of it. I turned up to my neighbours to check the CCTV. To see my assistant manager's car parked out front as she was puppy sitting, ah. To then, then see the chef's car pull up at my house and waltz in there. They were alone for an hour and a half in my house.
28:00 Speaker 04 Right. Okay.
28:01 Speaker 05 Once I got this footage, I was livid. I rang his girlfriend and explained everything.
28:05 Speaker 04 Oh, right. Oh, so he's got a girlfriend that doesn't work at the.
28:10 Speaker 05 No, she works there. She works there as well.
28:11 Speaker 04 At the moment, I feel like I'm trying to explain to my dad how Chat GPT works.
28:14 Speaker 05 So chef is dating front of house woman, assistant manager also works there, assistant manager's puppy sitting.
28:22 Speaker 04 He's gone around there to have an affair with the assistant manager at the manager of the pub's house whilst his girlfriend works at the bar.
28:30 Speaker 05 Yeah. Once I got this footage, I was livid. I rang his girlfriend and explained everything. He denied anything ever happened and the couple are still together.
28:38 Speaker 04 Oh.
28:39 Speaker 05 If only my dog could talk, she's the only one who truly knows what happened. Great point. Please keep me anonymous. Keep up the great work. You've been my ride or die podcast since day one and I am new mum and soon to be having another. Only 18 months apart, 202, what have I done? From anon. There we go.
28:57 Speaker 04 Well, that makes sense. That's why she can't fucking put an email together. It's all over the place.
29:01 Speaker 05 It's all over the place. Great email, though.
29:03 Speaker 04 No, I think we got it in the end. Maybe it's just us not being a bit simple.
29:07 Speaker 05 Yeah.
29:07 Speaker 04 There we go. Hi, Rob and Josh. Love the podcast. Day one listener, never miss an episode. Bullshit, but I'll take that back if it's true. I absolutely love knowing I'm not the only one who hasn't got a clue what he's doing and just wings it and hopes for the best. And some always seems to work out all right at the end. Is that what they've taken from this podcast?
29:24 Speaker 05 Yeah, that's exactly what they've taken from this podcast.
29:27 Speaker 04 Not that, you know, we play these sort of like compromised characters, but actually we really sort of switched on intelligent and use this chaos as actually a market employer to push our own economic and egotistical goals forward.
29:39 Speaker 05 No, they've not taken that.
29:40 Speaker 04 No, no, fair enough. They've, they've, they've taken the truth.
29:44 Speaker 05 The jig continues.
29:46 Speaker 04 The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world it didn't exist, right?
29:51 Speaker 05 Exactly. The greatest trick the devil ever played was starting a podcast.
29:57 Speaker 04 Anyway, I've got a playground shagger story for you that still lives in my head rent free. This goes back to when I was in year nine. Our maths block was one long corridor. A mid lesson, we suddenly heard absolute chaos kicking off outside. Not the usual someone's being pushed into a locker type noise. This was proper commotion. Naturally, the less interested of the class immediately get up and leave, running outside to see what the commotion is. We step out onto the corridor and it's like the Colosseum. Kids everywhere, crowding round in a full circle, chanting, "Fight, fight, fight!", like we're at a pay-per-view boxing event. You've got one lad commentating like it's match of the day, someone else shouting, "Smash his head in!", like she's in the UFC, and everyone's absolutely buzzing to see this exclusive event right in the corridor.
30:41 Speaker 05 Oh my word.
30:42 Speaker 04 And in the middle of all of it, one of our teachers, let's call her Miss Smith, she was actually a maths teacher but also helped out in PE, which in hindsight makes this whole thing even more fitting. She was already known for being a bit emotionally fragile. I mean, this woman cried in lessons. Not like end of term emotional speech crying, just like full-on Tuesday afternoon breakdowns. Anyway, she absolutely lost it. She's got the new PE teacher, Mr Mallard, backed into a corner outside the canteen and she's absolutely battering him with a blue plastic cricket bat.
31:18 Speaker 04 So, Mr Mallard's getting smashed by Mrs Smith, full-on whacking him like a gangster who's owed money. Teachers eventually pile in to break it up. Miss Smith is in absolute hysterics, sobbing, screaming the works. Mr Mallard looks completely shell-shocked, like he'd just come out of the trenches. Then both of them disappear. A couple of days go by, no sign of either. Rumours start flying. Obviously, when Mr Mallard comes back, it turns out Miss Smith had been having an affair with him. Not only that, she left her husband thinking they were going to ride off in the sunset together. Romance, passion, a shared love of sports halls.
31:52 Speaker 05 Oh no, oh no.
31:53 Speaker 04 Except, Mr Mallard had other ideas.
31:57 Speaker 05 Oh, Mr Mallard.
31:58 Speaker 04 Fucking duck-faced prick. He basically told her, "Yeah, this isn't going to work", and broke things off. To be fair, he was in his twenties, she was in her early thirties, married, and things had clearly escalated way beyond a casual fling. After blowing up her entire life for this bloke, she understandably, but also wildly snapped and went full gladiator with a plastic cricket bat in the middle of school.
32:19 Speaker 05 Oh god.
32:20 Speaker 04 We never saw Miss Smith again.
32:22 Speaker 05 Oh no.
32:25 Speaker 04 On teaching PE like nothing had happened.
32:27 Speaker 05 The cheek of Mr Mallard.
32:28 Speaker 04 The cheek of it. Mate, he couldn't do cricket. He'd go, I'm gonna have to tap out of cricket just from PTSD. Can't hold that blue bat. Um, pretty much every lad in our PE class used to give him banter about Miss Smith every lesson. And all he'd do was smirk and laugh, not say a word. Everyone I ever told this story to that wasn't there doesn't believe me. But the school we went to had so many stories like this, it actually got knocked down 12 months later. And when we left, it reopened under a completely new name to try and shake their reputation. I still managed to get an education.
32:58 Speaker 05 What, Mr Mallard?
33:00 Speaker 04 I think the school was a
33:01 Speaker 05 Yeah, yeah.
33:02 Speaker 04 In a bad way. And they basically knocked it down, started again.
33:05 Speaker 05 I think at my school, you'd have got into trouble for taking the piss out of a PE teacher about the fact he'd had an affair.
33:14 Speaker 04 I think it's the way you're doing it.
33:16 Speaker 05 I don't think my PE teacher would have just laughed it off.
33:18 Speaker 04 But like, so you're Mr Mallard, okay?
33:21 Speaker 05 Yeah, okay.
33:21 Speaker 04 You're teaching cricket. Tell me how to hold the bat.
33:24 Speaker 05 Okay, so are you left or right-handed?
33:25 Speaker 04 Right-handed, sir.
33:26 Speaker 05 Right-handed. So put your left hand at the top of the, uh, the bit at the top. And then your right hand at the bottom. Keep them close together than you might naturally think.
33:34 Speaker 04 Cool. And Mr Mallard, when I, when I saw Miss Smith using it, she sort of was hitting it over onto you as opposed to under. Is that how you hit a cricket bat?
33:42 Speaker 05 Why don't you shut up, you little
33:47 Speaker 04 Quack, quack.
33:52 Speaker 04 Mr Mallard.
33:53 Speaker 05 Mr Mallard.
33:54 Speaker 04 Well, that's Miss Smith, Mr Mallard. Quack, quack.
33:57 Speaker 05 Quack, quack.
33:58 Speaker 04 Poor Miss Smith.
33:59 Speaker 05 Poor Miss Smith.
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34:34 Speaker 01 Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lululemon fall drop, because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it. Lululemon's fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces, so I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece and head out, knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at lululemon.com.
35:03 Speaker 02 Ugh, I hate Mondays.
35:05 Speaker 03 King's Hawaiian cinnamon swirl bite?
35:06 Speaker 02 Uh, Taylor Hansen? Sure, I'll try one. Mmm.
35:12 Speaker 02 Hey, let's get back to work, please. But Taylor Hansen's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian cinnamon bites. Taylor Hansen? Nice.
35:20 Speaker 03 Try one.
35:21 Speaker 02 Mmm.
35:25 Speaker 02 King's Hawaiian cinnamon bites.
35:28 Speaker 05 There's nothing like it.
35:37 Speaker 05 Right. Hi, both. I've been listening to you since I found out I was pregnant with my first, who is now 18 months old. Please keep me anonymous, as this is about me.
35:48 Speaker 04 Oh, well, we are getting it from the horse's mouth.
35:50 Speaker 05 Yeah, too right. When I was around the age of 21, I worked in a pharmacy in a supermarket chain in a small university town outside Liverpool.
35:58 Speaker 04 Okay, let's guess where that is.
36:00 Speaker 05 What is a small university town outside Liverpool? I don't know really what that means.
36:04 Speaker 04 So should I Google "small university town outside Liverpool"?
36:07 Speaker 05 Yeah, with supermarket that's got a chemist in it.
36:12 Speaker 04 Okay, there's quite a lot to type in.
36:13 Speaker 05 This was 2019, when COVID was all the rage. So we hired a delivery driver.
36:19 Speaker 04 Because she's so young then, really.
36:20 Speaker 05 Yeah.
36:21 Speaker 04 The most prominent small university town just outside Liverpool is Ormskirk.
36:25 Speaker 05 Right, okay.
36:26 Speaker 04 Ormskirk. Sounds like something sex, isn't it?
36:29 Speaker 05 Do you think?
36:30 Speaker 04 I've got Ormskirk. Last night.
36:31 Speaker 05 I don't know if it does, Rob. I don't know what you and Lou are up to, but I don't think I've ever been alms.
36:36 Speaker 04 If it's a finger up the bum and a slap round the cheeks.
36:39 Speaker 05 Yeah, I've never been alms curd.
36:40 Speaker 04 I've got alms curd last night. Do you want to be alms curd? I'd hate to be alms curd.
36:43 Speaker 05 No, I'd hate to be alms curd. It'd be awful.
36:46 Speaker 04 Not both at the same time. I'd rather be almsed, little break, then curd.
36:50 Speaker 05 Which bits alms and which bits curd?
36:51 Speaker 04 Fingers, alms, curd and slap.
36:53 Speaker 05 So you'd prefer to be almsed?
36:55 Speaker 04 No, I'd prefer to be curd, but if I had to do both, I'd probably do alms first then followed by curd.
37:00 Speaker 05 Is it with the same hand though? Cause if, in which case I might be curd before I go alms.
37:04 Speaker 04 No, no, I'd have to, I'd have to request separate hands because the slap will be too near the nose. And as much as I clean it down there, within minutes, it goes back to the stench. You cannot keep an arsehole clean for longer than the 30 seconds of air drying it out the shower. And then your body's straight back at producing stench. And that's everyone's arse. That's not just me. That's, I'm not even going to go at you if you've got a smelly arse. That's just, you know, flesh on flesh without much air. And that's just science.
37:31 Speaker 05 You can change your pants after as many gigs as you want, but you're fighting and losing though.
37:35 Speaker 04 You could have sun spells, Under Armour or Tom Ford. You're arseholes gonna stink and we're all just hiding it.
37:39 Speaker 05 This was 2019 when COVID was all the rage. So we hired a delivery driver to get prescriptions out to patients.
37:44 Speaker 04 Oh yeah, you couldn't, you can't alms curd with social distancing. So let's rule that out.
37:49 Speaker 05 I was very single at this point. I was told by the hiring manager that they're going to hire a delivery driver for me in the hopes that I wouldn't be very single anymore. What?
37:59 Speaker 04 So they were trying to find a delivery driver that she'd like. Okay.
38:02 Speaker 05 Flash forward a few weeks and they had hired a new delivery driver and the manager had me teach him the ropes. I will admit that we hit it off like a house on fire, exchanged numbers, ready for when he would start delivering. Oh my word. The exchange of numbers led to a lot of late night texts and flirting when back in work. Flash forward a few weeks, next door to the pharmacy was our storage room, which we could lock from the inside.
38:27 Speaker 04 Yes.
38:28 Speaker 05 And I had to tidy in there to be able to get stock to bring into the pharmacy. The lad had been sent into the room to help me move things around. Oh yeah.
38:36 Speaker 04 I bet he has.
38:37 Speaker 05 Yeah. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex there in the middle of the work day. The door was locked. No one could come in and there were no cameras. Bear in mind, three paragraphs ago, she was talking about the spread of COVID.
38:52 Speaker 04 She's just like jizz on all everyone's fucking cough medicine, getting dished there.
38:56 Speaker 05 On their masks.
39:00 Speaker 04 They were getting thrush off their fucking P P E.
39:03 Speaker 05 After the deed was done.
39:04 Speaker 04 Yeah.
39:05 Speaker 05 I made myself look more presentable and took some things back into the pharmacy. And all eyes were on me. I was wondering why everyone was looking at me until a few minutes later. I heard what I could describe as a noise that made my stomach drop. The delivery driver had put his music on low in the room next door whilst he was working. What I didn't realise, that there was a vent in the roof of the storage room. That led to the vent in the pharmacy.
39:31 Speaker 04 Oh, so they heard it.
39:33 Speaker 05 The noise travelled very well through and the wall that we had just had sex on was paper thin. This meant that every single person that was standing in this dispensary, the pharmacy, had just heard me and the delivery driver.
39:47 Speaker 04 Oh my god.
39:49 Speaker 05 Having sex the last 15 minutes, fair play.
39:54 Speaker 04 15 minutes.
39:55 Speaker 05 And this was why they were looking at me like I had three heads. When I realised this, I ran out of the pharmacy. I'm back next door to our delivery driver for a second helping, no, not for a second.
40:08 Speaker 04 I was gonna say, it makes sense why it takes so long to get a prescription at the chemist if that's happening.
40:12 Speaker 05 Next door to our delivery driver to tell him what everyone just heard and that I needed some more support in the pharmacy. He laughed at me and went back to work. We kept doing the deed the entire time he worked at the pharmacy. And a year or so, well, in the thing.
40:26 Speaker 04 Oh no, they must be not doing it in the cupboard, yeah, but they've just been getting it.
40:30 Speaker 05 And a year or so later, after he left, we're still friends to this day and we laugh about what everyone must have heard through the vent that day, anonymous.
40:37 Speaker 04 Love it. Is that a storage shagger's?
40:39 Speaker 05 Storage shagger's.
40:40 Speaker 04 Good on her. But if anyone is in Ormskirk and they know a supermarket with a pharmacy, just have a little look for some vents. Might be a little, like, loving up your next big shot.
40:50 Speaker 05 Do you want another one?
40:51 Speaker 04 I'll do it. Yeah, I'll give you another one. That was actually from the shagger's mouth. Hello, you sexy relatable trio. Please keep me anonymous. My mum is on, I mean, the relatable thing's really for, Michael's having to really carry the relatable stuff where you're the host of Strictly and I've just done Traitors.
41:07 Speaker 05 Yeah.
41:08 Speaker 04 It's not your normal dads at the school gates at the moment, but you know, our careers will sort of fizzle out at some point. It's just, everything's momentary, isn't it? Please keep me anonymous. My mum is on the senior leadership team at an inner city secondary school, meaning some of the stories she tells are absolute corkers. However, one particular story that she rang and told me the other day had me thinking of this pod immediately, and I had to share.
41:31 Speaker 05 Here we go.
41:32 Speaker 04 One day, a supply teacher covered a year eight science lesson, and one of the girls left sobbing at the beginning of the class, stating she refused to go back in, thinking it was peer-related or something had happened in a previous lesson. The girl was referred to her head of year, who was the one who ended up feeding it back to my mum. Turns out, this girl knew this supply teacher. This is year eight, by the way. This is worrying. She knew this supply teacher. Now, this supply teacher mostly did work as a private tutor, and had previously tutored this particular girl and her brother at their house, which the school was fully aware of, as anyone who works in a school has to disclose if they have any prior or existing relationships with any of the children. However, what had failed to be disclosed was this tutor had been doing a bit more than tutoring.
42:17 Speaker 05 Oh no.
42:18 Speaker 04 Please don't be a pedo. I can't.
42:21 Speaker 05 That doesn't count as playground shaggers, by the way. Don't, we don't want those.
42:24 Speaker 04 Yeah, that was just.
42:25 Speaker 05 We're not looking for that kind of story.
42:27 Speaker 04 No. He had had an affair with the mum of this girl. Thank God.
42:32 Speaker 05 Yeah, good on him.
42:33 Speaker 04 Yeah, good man, good lad.
42:35 Speaker 05 Good, normal bloke.
42:40 Speaker 04 Anyway, which resulted in the splitting of her parents. Oh, actually, sorry about that. We went early on that, actually. Sorry. Sorry, all. Sorry, everyone. This part had obviously not been told to the school. As flash forward to the present day, they now had an inconsolable girl and a very angry dad to deal with.
42:58 Speaker 05 Oh no.
42:59 Speaker 04 Who was rightfully fuming. His daughter had been put in a classroom with a man that had broke up their family.
43:03 Speaker 05 Oh my god.
43:04 Speaker 04 That is awful.
43:05 Speaker 05 Yeah.
43:05 Speaker 04 It will not come to be a surprise that the man is no longer one of the supply teachers at the school, and many apologies were made. That is, yeah, I think we trivialise that a little bit too much. Quite a horrific story on paper, but positive, no pedo.
43:19 Speaker 05 No pedo is always positive.
43:20 Speaker 04 Another broken home.
43:21 Speaker 05 Exactly.
43:23 Speaker 04 Thanks.
43:23 Speaker 05 Another broken home.
43:24 Speaker 04 Tell you what, Anon should be on a revenue split for this show. The man, the man Anon sent him.
43:29 Speaker 05 Oh, yeah, Anon.
43:30 Speaker 04 What a great guy, Anon is. Fucking loose-lipped, Anon.
43:33 Speaker 05 Yeah, what a life he's lived.
43:35 Speaker 04 Loose, Anon. Do you know what I love to go to night out with, Anon? The stories Anon's got.
43:39 Speaker 05 The stories.
43:40 Speaker 04 Great guy. Loose-lipped bitch.
43:43 Speaker 05 Here we go. Around 15 years ago, at the start of September, a day before I started year 11, my dad came home early from work. He was a teacher at a high school I attended. He came back early from the teacher training day to talk to me. He sat me down, told me that he and my mum were getting divorced, but were still friends and were going to try and stick out living together until my final year at school was done. He was only telling me now, as the other teachers at school knew, so he wanted to tell me before I went back the next day.
44:12 Speaker 04 That's all fine, that's all normal.
44:13 Speaker 05 Fast forward to the springtime. The following year, and one afternoon before leaving school, one of the other teachers, Miss Smith, not a real name, not her again.
44:20 Speaker 04 Oh, it's not Miss Smith again, poor old cow.
44:22 Speaker 05 Fucking hell.
44:23 Speaker 04 Cricket batting hat.
44:26 Speaker 04 Sorry, Miss Smith.
44:27 Speaker 05 She was walking back to the staff room with a big bunch of roses. She doesn't learn. She does not learn.
44:33 Speaker 04 Oh, that poor woman. She was trying to get that duck tattoo retouched up and covered up.
44:40 Speaker 04 Mr. Malaud for life.
44:41 Speaker 05 She was a teacher that had the reputation of being quite mean, and not many people liked her, so everyone was very shocked, including myself. When school had finished that day, while in the car on the way home, I said to my dad, did you see the roses Miss Smith had today? I wonder who sent them. We're shocked someone likes her enough to send them roses. My dad, not being the romantic type at all, said he hadn't seen them, and that was the end of that. Nothing out of the ordinary there. He was a very laid-back man, and he probably genuinely couldn't have given a shit. Or so I thought.
45:13 Speaker 04 Oh.
45:14 Speaker 05 A few months went by, and nothing else of note had happened at school, when my dad ended up moving out. After he moved out a few weeks later, he admitted that those roses were in fact from him to Miss Smith, and they were now together.
45:26 Speaker 04 Hmm. Not Miss Smith.
45:29 Speaker 05 Not Miss Smith. My dad was now dating my geography teacher.
45:32 Speaker 04 Oh, that's the worst, isn't it? Art or drama you'd take, but fucking geography.
45:37 Speaker 05 It's bad enough going to the school your parents work at, let alone them being with another teacher, and that teacher being a teacher nobody likes. The gossip went round, and eventually everyone got over it and moved on. The following year, in sixth form, I took geography as an A-level subject.
45:53 Speaker 04 Oh, no.
45:54 Speaker 05 And who should the teacher be? Of course, my, my new step mum. I, I think in a school.
45:59 Speaker 04 Yeah, you should not teach your, the new stepchildren.
46:04 Speaker 05 I don't think that's a total surprise. Cause how many geography teachers are in a school? Three or four? Do you know what I mean? It's not like.
46:10 Speaker 04 Yeah, they're, they're dying off. Who wants to be a geography teacher? Do you know what I mean?
46:13 Speaker 05 Exactly.
46:14 Speaker 04 Least sexy of all the subjects?
46:16 Speaker 05 Least sexy of all the subjects. Geography's up there, isn't it?
46:19 Speaker 04 Biology.
46:20 Speaker 05 Biology is sexy.
46:21 Speaker 04 Sexiest, yeah.
46:22 Speaker 05 I think RE, because there's something quite kind of.
46:24 Speaker 04 Sweet about that.
46:25 Speaker 05 Other world. No, but like, there's a, there's a spark, isn't there? Like an old testament, like.
46:30 Speaker 04 If when it comes to religion, they don't mind shagging, do they?
46:32 Speaker 05 Exactly. There's a, there's a sex to RE, I think.
46:35 Speaker 04 Yeah. Um, a frisson. PE, they're normally sexy. They're, they're, they're sex people.
46:40 Speaker 05 They're sex people.
46:41 Speaker 04 Um, geography's down the bottom. Music, they're pretty cool. Art, drama, a bit like, they're a bit funky.
46:45 Speaker 05 Music, art, art, they could just, you know.
46:48 Speaker 04 Yeah, they'd probably have a spliff and wank someone off, wouldn't they?
46:51 Speaker 05 French. Oh my word.
46:53 Speaker 04 Oh yeah. Sexy, sexy, sexy.
46:55 Speaker 05 Oh my word. Je t'aime.
46:57 Speaker 04 German teacher? Maybe not.
46:59 Speaker 05 Maybe not. And then you get into your geography, your maths, your dusties. Do you know what I mean?
47:06 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah. But yeah, maths, yeah, maybe maths, but then it's sort of, at least you get, yeah, geography. I don't know.
47:12 Speaker 05 All the technology's quite unsexy, I'd say.
47:15 Speaker 04 Yes. Yeah. IT support. Yeah.
47:17 Speaker 05 I don't even know what they do these days. Do they do like woodwork and stuff? My daughter's never said she's doing woodwork.
47:24 Speaker 04 I don't know. Woodwork. Got woodwork. Got woodwork today?
47:27 Speaker 05 We have woodwork.
47:29 Speaker 04 Maybe secondary school, they do woodwork.
47:30 Speaker 05 Yeah, yeah, we had it in secondary.
47:31 Speaker 04 Not primary.
47:32 Speaker 05 While setting my exam, there was, much to my delight, a fire alarm. The exam wasn't going well, but this gave me an opportunity to escape. When returning back to the hall and they said, we have an extra half an hour added on, I decided I was going to make a break and leave. Upon leaving, I was greeted by Miss Smith shouting and me to get back in the room. I refused and swiftly made my way to my dad's classroom. He called me later that evening to tell me Miss Smith had called him and broken up with him because she said he had taken my side and couldn't be with him because of this incident.
48:06 Speaker 04 Oh, Miss Smith can piss off.
48:09 Speaker 05 My dad sounded very laid back about the situation, even found it quite funny and said something along the lines of she won't mean it. Safe to say his instincts were right and 15 years on, they're still together and we do go on very well.
48:19 Speaker 04 Oh, okay. Well, not fuck Miss Smith.
48:21 Speaker 05 Uh, thank you for keeping me sane while looking after a four-year-old and a feral one-year-old and on. There you go, you're.
48:28 Speaker 04 And on.
48:29 Speaker 05 If you want to use Miss Smith for all of your anonymous female teachers, I wouldn't, uh, I wouldn't regret it.
48:36 Speaker 04 I feel sorry for Miss Smith. And please send more in play guys, we love them.
48:39 Speaker 05 And also imagine this, imagine this.
48:41 Speaker 04 Imagine this.
48:42 Speaker 05 Sending you imagine this.
48:43 Speaker 04 And we want your food confessions, we mentioned before. Okay. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. After a tough start to 2026 with us sadly experiencing a miscarriage and both needing some time away from work to process it. Cool. That was a gear shift I wasn't expecting to do.
48:56 Speaker 05 Yes, that is a gear shift.
48:57 Speaker 04 That was quite the one show there, but I, I haven't pre-read the script or I've just gone straight in. Sorry if I started that too jolly. Um, now Shannon has shown incredible strength through this miscarriage. She's used this time to focus her energy on something positive and has launched a new business venture. Shannon's Home Cleaning Services. If you are based in the Greater Manchester area and are looking for a reliable, high-quality cleaner, she'd love to hear from you. You can find her on Instagram at Shannon's Home Cleaning, where you also see the attached price list. Thanks very much for taking the time to read this. Best regards, Luke. There you go. You're a good man, Luke. And Shannon, good luck with your new venture. If you're in the Greater Manchester area, I mean, if you want to spread out to the Greater Liverpool area,
49:40 Speaker 04 there are some stock rooms near Ormskirk that need a good fucking scrub. So maybe you could clear that up as well, Shannon. Good luck with a new venture.
49:49 Speaker 05 Good luck with a new venture, Shannon. Hello, you section relatable trio. I'm an OG listener of the podcast and I am now a huge fan of Lou, already well into audiobook, loving it. And though I have a husband like Rob who is completely involved and gets it, I feel validated. Thank you, Lou.
50:06 Speaker 04 Yeah, well done, Lou.
50:07 Speaker 05 I'd like to shout out my primary age tutoring business. So many children now struggling with mainstream setting, whether through an SEND diagnosis or becoming overwhelmed in the classroom. I have 17 years of experience working with children, all sorts of background, with a broad range of needs. I'm Sheffield based and offer children and family support academically or work on social and life skills, tailoring sessions to individual needs, available on Monday and Tuesday day, time and evenings through the week. Email me at wonder years tutoring, wonder years tutoring at gmail.com. As I am sure I can help your child. Brilliant work, Alice. Thank you, guys.
50:48 Speaker 04 I just put some socks on and I forget we filmed this. Is that normal?
50:52 Speaker 05 No, I like it. I like it.
50:53 Speaker 04 Just put my socks back on because I've got cold. Thanks for listening, guys. I enjoyed that.
50:57 Speaker 05 Thank you.
50:58 Speaker 04 Bye.
51:04 Speaker 01 Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lululemon fall drop because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it. Lululemon's fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces, so I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece and head out, knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at lululemon.com.
51:34 Speaker 02 Ugh, I hate Mondays. King's Hawaiian cinnamon swirl bite? Uh, Taylor Hansen? Sure, I'll try one. Mmm.
51:43 Speaker 04 Hey, let's get back to work, please.
51:44 Speaker 02 But Taylor Hansen's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian cinnamon bites.
51:49 Speaker 04 Taylor Hansen? Nice.
51:51 Speaker 02 Try one.
51:52 Speaker 04 Mmm.
51:56 Speaker 02 King's Hawaiian cinnamon bites. There's nothing like it.
Previous S12 EP40: Josh is the new co-host of Strictly Come Dancing!! Next S12 EP42: Tinie Tempah Page updated October 30, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated