I like a thin cheese

More adventures in parenting and beyond with Rob and Josh... This ep it's a bit of inbox correspondence from the listeners and some of the best bits from our guests this series while we take a short break. Back very soon with series 13!!! 1. John Bishop 2. Kamille 3. Harry Hill 4. Emma Doran Listen and / or watch the full episodes on Spotify. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Parenting Hell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ is a Spotify Podcast, new video episodes available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please subscribe and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xxx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [email protected] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [email protected] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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• 1:58Speaker 03

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• 2:34Speaker 03

  Hello, you're listening to Parent in Hell with.

• 2:37Speaker 05

  Sophie, can you see Rob Beckett?

• 2:42Speaker 05

  Can you see Josh Widdicombe?

• 2:47Speaker 05

  Good job.

• 2:48Speaker 03

  Sounds like a drunk old man.

• 2:51Speaker 05

  What, can you see Rob Beckett?

• 2:56Speaker 05

  Can you see Josh Widdicombe?

• 3:01Speaker 05

  Good job.

• 3:02Speaker 04

  There we go. It's my 23 months year old Sophie from Ayrshire, Scotland, having a couple of attempts to names with a cheese string in her mouth, might I add.

• 3:12Speaker 03

  No, makes sense.

• 3:13Speaker 04

  Longtime listener since lockdown where we had the stress of four different wedding dates originally meant to be getting married in March 2020, eventually December 2021. Call Me Mad going to enter the three kids under four club in November. Oldest being additional needs to add to the crazy of our non-stop dairy farm with 300 cows.

• 3:34Speaker 03

  Cheese, cheese strings. I think you're a fan.

• 3:38Speaker 04

  Was in the day. I can't see myself eating one now.

• 3:41Speaker 03

  No, I think eating a cheese string as an adult is, I'd say there's other more accessible. I think the problem with cheese for a child is cutting it with a knife. As an adult, you should be allowed to do a grater or a sharp knife.

• 3:53Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 3:54Speaker 03

  I think the cheese string really excels with children like the baby bell. They can peel, chomp and.

• 3:59Speaker 04

  I'm not a baby bell fan. Too claggy for my tastes.

• 4:03Speaker 03

  Primula.

• 4:03Speaker 04

  Too thick. I like a thin cheese.

• 4:05Speaker 03

  Okay. Well, what if the, what if the baby bell was cut into thin slices?

• 4:10Speaker 04

  I could deal with that, but I've never seen someone cut up a baby bell. There you go. I've said it.

• 4:15Speaker 03

  But then, so, but you always has to be thin.

• 4:18Speaker 04

  I don't like it in a sandwich when you get like a, like a big chunk of cheese in a sandwich.

• 4:23Speaker 03

  Mature, do you like mature?

• 4:25Speaker 04

  I like mature, I like a strong cheese.

• 4:26Speaker 03

  I'm gonna throw something out, your pilgrim's choice.

• 4:29Speaker 04

  Well, of course.

• 4:31Speaker 03

  Course you love it. Cut you and you bleed yellow and green and white and red, obviously. Shall we do a quick bit of correspondence before we do?

• 4:38Speaker 04

  Let's have a quick bit of correspondence, Rob. Hit me with a quick bit of correspondence.

• 4:42Speaker 03

  On the topic of snogging your partner.

• 4:44Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 4:45Speaker 03

  Dear relatable Rob and Josh, recently on a podcast you asked if there was anyone who still snogged their partners for no reason other than the kiss. Me and my hubby have been married for 10 years and have three young children. We are still very much in the trenches of an eight-year-old, a four-year-old and a one-year-old. We have basically had a baby for eight years. This means our time alone is very rare and home life is chaotic. Sometimes me and the hub, how do you feel about being referred to as a hub, me and the hub?

• 5:12Speaker 04

  Didn't like it.

• 5:13Speaker 03

  I sort of forget I'm a husband, not in a bad way.

• 5:16Speaker 04

  Well, I know, I've seen you all the night out, Rob. Put that wedding ring in your pocket and before you know it.

• 5:21Speaker 03

  This is a problem for me. I reject anything and I still don't know why I reject anything that makes me labelled. I hate a label when someone says you're a member of our club or you're a husband. I think it's weird. I don't know what it is.

• 5:33Speaker 04

  You're from Kent.

• 5:34Speaker 03

  Cantonian. This means our time alone is very rare. Sometimes me and the hub manage to get the same tube to work in the mornings. This is 30 minutes we get alone together with hundreds of other Londoners, but hey ho, this is mental.

• 5:48Speaker 04

  No.

• 5:49Speaker 03

  So, we snog on any escalator we ride together on the Tube network, sometimes two to three snoggos before we reach the bottom top of the stairs.

• 6:00Speaker 04

  Oh my god.

• 6:01Speaker 03

  The snogs don't lead anywhere. Well, they do at the end of the circle line.

• 6:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, of course, eh?

• 6:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:06Speaker 04

  I do, the circle line's the anus.

• 6:08Speaker 03

  The Bakerloo, that's the anus. The circle line's vagina. The Bakerloo and then the cock fosters is the fucking ramrod cock. The snogs don't lead anywhere for obvious reasons, but we feel like cheeky schoolchildren. Bring back snogging. Well, I, I.

• 6:22Speaker 04

  Hashtag bring back snogging. Hashtag bring back snogging.

• 6:25Speaker 03

  I find it awkward, but I feel like I'm in the wrong. I don't want to snog in the morning.

• 6:29Speaker 04

  When you, when you were up at 4.45am with Lou, did you go, shall we have a snog?

• 6:33Speaker 03

  I went, do you want, shall we have? Soon as we've got three, I went, we've got three hours. Shall we snog? No, let's just sit with our coffees, face away from each other, scroll till they wake up.

• 6:45Speaker 03

  Oh, by the way as well, um, the, the, the solidarity or solid Karen, we should be, should it be called parenting help or parenting hell from Laura?

• 6:53Speaker 04

  Oh, that's much nicer.

• 6:54Speaker 03

  Shall we do the best of?

• 6:55Speaker 04

  Yeah, there we go.

• 6:56Speaker 03

  We're having a little break for summer holidays because we're too busy with the kids. And Michael's at the World Cup, so we're having a little couple of week break. Here are some of the best offs.

• 7:07Speaker 04

  John Bishop, hello.

• 7:09Speaker 03

  Hey, lads, how are you? How, look, this is quite exciting for us because you're, we see, we've seen you in another world now. You're the John Bishop from comedy that we, we know and love. But now you've got your foot in the, the right hand lane of Hollywood and you're doing press for like a big Hollywood movie. Where normally it would be your stand up. Who have we got today? Have we got the Hollywood John Bishop or have we got comedy John Bishop?

• 7:33Speaker 06

  Comedy John Bishop wouldn't be here, let's be honest.

• 7:35Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 7:36Speaker 06

  New one there, yeah. We've done 600 shows I've never been on.

• 7:42Speaker 03

  We've been asked.

• 7:42Speaker 06

  We've never asked me.

• 7:44Speaker 03

  There we am, I've got the text.

• 7:45Speaker 06

  When you sent me a text? I bet you haven't. I bet you haven't got a text.

• 7:50Speaker 03

  I bet we have, John, we have definitely.

• 7:51Speaker 06

  Asking me.

• 7:52Speaker 03

  Oh, because we had a lot of requests as well after your documentary, someone out, a lot of requests we had asked before then and after. But let's face it, you don't need any help selling tickets.

• 8:00Speaker 04

  You wouldn't believe this. You wouldn't believe this.

• 8:02Speaker 03

  Have you been lying?

• 8:03Speaker 04

  No, look, this isn't even a lie. This is mad.

• 8:08Speaker 03

  What's it say?

• 8:09Speaker 04

  Look at the bottom thing. I've sent it. When?

• 8:12Speaker 03

  Hey mate, um, I hope you're well. Would you fancy coming on the podcast I do with Beckett about parenting? It's an easy 45 minute chat, complaining about being a parent and of course you'd be a perfect guest. We've had to Michael Sheen, Robbie Williams, Jonathan Ross, et cetera. So it isn't shit and you can promote or anything you want or.

• 8:27Speaker 04

  It hasn't sent.

• 8:29Speaker 03

  No.

• 8:29Speaker 06

  It hasn't sent, sir.

• 8:30Speaker 03

  Oh, Josh.

• 8:32Speaker 06

  Can you see it? I never got delivered. Oh, I'm so fucking happy from the 2nd of June 2023.

• 8:43Speaker 06

  And you never tried twice.

• 8:46Speaker 04

  I thought you were right.

• 8:48Speaker 03

  Was that 21?

• 8:48Speaker 04

  23.

• 8:49Speaker 03

  21 or 23?

• 8:50Speaker 06

  23 still.

• 8:51Speaker 03

  21.

• 8:52Speaker 06

  21. 2021.

• 8:53Speaker 03

  So it's only a year in?

• 8:54Speaker 06

  Yeah, only a year in, only a year in and now, now.

• 8:58Speaker 03

  And now you're gracious with your, I imagine contractual obligations.

• 9:05Speaker 06

  I went, listen, them twats have never asked me. They don't want me on. They don't want me on.

• 9:11Speaker 04

  I've been saying to Beckett, Bishop's ghosted me. Bishop's absolutely ghosted. Didn't reply to texts.

• 9:16Speaker 06

  That is so funny, isn't it?

• 9:18Speaker 03

  Oh, that's really put us on the bad foot now.

• 9:20Speaker 06

  You know what? Because it is funny, because obviously with my stand-up, I've spoke, as you have, about having kids and all that stuff. And I've listened to this a few times and I've thought, they've obviously just not bothered.

• 9:37Speaker 03

  Oh, at least we could put that to bed then.

• 9:39Speaker 04

  That's the best thing that could have happened. We don't look bad. You don't look bad.

• 9:43Speaker 06

  I don't look bad.

• 9:44Speaker 03

  I feel great now.

• 9:45Speaker 06

  The thing is, me and him bumped into each other, glanced and braced. I was going, hi Josh, that's you twat.

• 9:51Speaker 03

  So we thought you'd ghosted us, but we'd actually not ghosted. Well, not ghosted.

• 9:56Speaker 06

  No, you're just not invited.

• 9:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, sorry.

• 9:58Speaker 06

  But it never got there.

• 9:59Speaker 03

  We did, we wanted you. We thought we'd had a five-year beef, but now let's be fair.

• 10:04Speaker 06

  This feels, yeah, this feels like we've settled something, doesn't it?

• 10:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 10:08Speaker 03

  How many kids you got, John? Let's get that out of the way first. Three ages?

• 10:12Speaker 06

  Joe's 31.

• 10:13Speaker 03

  31?

• 10:15Speaker 06

  Luke's 29 and Daniel's 28.

• 10:20Speaker 03

  Don't start licking your arse now. We know that we don't all hate each other, but you look good.

• 10:25Speaker 04

  What's your skincare regime, John?

• 10:27Speaker 06

  My skincare regime? I got asked that on another podcast what my skincare regime was.

• 10:32Speaker 04

  One that actually invited you.

• 10:34Speaker 03

  Joe's on the Ben Shepard.

• 10:35Speaker 06

  Yeah, they've rolled over it. This is true, this. I haven't washed my face for years. I don't use soap and I found I was allergic to soap when I was younger, so most days, if I wash my face at all, it's just with water. And then, but I've always moisturised.

• 10:56Speaker 03

  Right, okay.

• 10:57Speaker 06

  Always moisturised, but I don't use all of this scrubs and all that. I don't really get into all of that.

• 11:03Speaker 03

  What moisturiser are you using?

• 11:05Speaker 06

  What am I using at the moment? Whatever's there. Like a Kiehl's thing.

• 11:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, but I did that.

• 11:11Speaker 06

  No, hang on. Let me think of a brand who might send some shit.

• 11:14Speaker 03

  Kiehl's is a fucking brand. I use some of my wife's moisturiser, but you've got to be careful because some of it has like the tanning in.

• 11:21Speaker 06

  Yeah, the tinting.

• 11:22Speaker 03

  The tinting and you, I started going, I look well and then it etabliques into your phumphumphumphum.

• 11:27Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 11:28Speaker 03

  Okay, so water and moisturiser.

• 11:30Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, that's, that's it to be honest.

• 11:31Speaker 04

  And so your kids.

• 11:32Speaker 06

  But also, the other thing is, I've never smoked.

• 11:36Speaker 04

  Yep.

• 11:36Speaker 06

  And I don't eat meat. I haven't eaten meat for 40 years.

• 11:39Speaker 03

  Does meat make your face go?

• 11:41Speaker 06

  I don't know, but some, some, no, some people have said that, that, that eating meat can, can atrophy your skin. I don't know why.

• 11:49Speaker 03

  Do you drink?

• 11:50Speaker 06

  Uh, yep. Yeah, you know what I mean, I'm not good at everything.

• 11:55Speaker 03

  We had an interview with Ray Bradshaw, I'm not sure it's gone out yet, who did your tour support.

• 11:59Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 11:59Speaker 03

  And he, he said he supported Frankie Boyle for weeks and he sort of just took him to the gig, brought him back and then went, bye Frankie. And then the first gig he went, do you want to go pub? Anyway, I drank a little bit, yeah. And he said how generous you are and you looked after him and all his mates and took him out till five in the morning.

• 12:14Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, Ray's a great lad, a great lad. And his mum and dad are so funny. Ray's dad is so funny. Because I went to his death club.

• 12:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 12:26Speaker 06

  Uh, so for people who don't know, Ray's mum and dad are deaf. And so Ray's first language is sign language. And, um, he, he took me to his dad's death club in, in Glasgow. Thinking I'd know enough sign language to be able to get by. Jesus Christ. Because they, their, their generation, Ray's, Ray's dad's generation, they don't sign, they spell. Everything's, they spell really fast. And the problem is I can't spell in my head because I'm, that's my form of dyslexia, I can't spell. So when I do sign language, anytime someone's, I'm going, I can't spell it, you'll have to write that bit down. I can't fucking, I can't spell in my head.

• 13:08Speaker 06

  But, but he took me to his deaf club, his dad, and it's so funny being in a room full of older deaf people, do you know what I mean? Like being in a room with your grandads, but they're signing, and no one's making them go.

• 13:33Speaker 06

  He's so funny, but his dad's got a really dry sense of humour.

• 13:37Speaker 03

  Amazing.

• 13:38Speaker 04

  He did this incredible documentary, which I did text you about.

• 13:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:42Speaker 06

  Did that go through?

• 13:43Speaker 04

  Yeah, that did go through, about your son, which was just one of the best documentaries I've seen in years.

• 13:48Speaker 06

  Oh, thank you.

• 13:49Speaker 04

  I loved it. So your son is going deaf, or he's...

• 13:53Speaker 06

  My son Joe lost his hearing when he was about fifteen, sixteen, and it fluctuated, so he didn't go deaf. It fluctuated over a period of time, which was difficult because he was a teenager.

• 14:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 14:11Speaker 06

  And so, you know, you think your teenagers aren't listening to you anyway. And he wasn't because he couldn't hear me, but also when he was speaking, he'd speak loud because he couldn't hear his own voice. So it sounded like he was shouting at us all the time. So, and we went through this awful, awful period. And it was an awful period of, as a parent, I did what men do. I thought, we'll fix this.

• 14:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 14:39Speaker 06

  And really, if I look back on it, if I could have any period of my life again, it would be that period. Where I think I would be a better dad, because I didn't just put my arms around him. I didn't, I didn't really, I thought I did, but I don't think I always asked him how he was. I just thought, all right, well, that's not working, let's fix that. So we went through the process of trying to find... The reason for it etcetera and and and he ended up being diagnosed with a with a rare autoimmune condition and whether that diagnosis was completely right or what you you'd never know but

• 15:24Speaker 06

  in the end his hearing is stabilised to about seventy five percent loss so with hearing aids he can hear conversations and and he's brilliant at lip reading and you know if an alarm went off he wouldn't hear it but but so he's within the band of conversation or he's got eh but it meant for a period of time as as a family it was difficult because you know you don't know anyone of that world you don't know eh and and because if he was deaf you'd say okay well he was a deaf person but he wasn't deaf he could hear but he couldn't but he couldn't go to

• 16:06Speaker 06

  Glasdenbury he wouldn't go to Glasdenbury he wouldn't go to a nightclub so you see you're in this thing that took us a long time I think to to resolve but one of the things that I thought might be a way of I don't know communicating better would would be and also because of his eh his eh hearing loss may become clip complete because we don't really know why it started eh and that's again that's an anxiety that I've perhaps not always understood that he's he's lived thinking that one day he might wake up and be completely deaf

• 16:45Speaker 04

  Yeah yeah

• 16:46Speaker 06

  That's that's tough for anyone to take eh and that's at times like he he's he's always he's a brilliant mimic and he'd be a brilliant actor but he's always held off because he's all whatever can't hear what's being said and and thankfully he's now embracing that he's gonna start going forward and doing stuff like that he's just sort of gained his confidence over time but it's took time and and but we did this documentary and the documentary the premise of the documentary would be that I would learn enough sign language to do a gig to a deaf audience

• 17:23Speaker 04

  Yeah

• 17:23Speaker 06

  And and when we were making it he said well you need to explain why you've got this interest because I was trying to do it to I suppose learn about that community and maybe show him that there was a community out there. So we got involved in it and it became a thing where we both were learning sign language at the same time. It was tough. It was our documentary because, you know, as a father and a son, we've not always been able to talk and then doing it via the documentary.

• 17:57Speaker 04

  That's why it was such a good documentary as well.

• 17:59Speaker 03

  It felt real, you know.

• 18:00Speaker 04

  It felt so, like, I was really impressed by how much you exposed of your relationship and yourself. And like, you know, I thought you both came across so brilliantly in it because you're showing that kind of regret or fallibility or dealing with that situation and then.

• 18:16Speaker 06

  It's tough. Being a parent is so hard because you wanna be so good at something you don't know how to do.

• 18:27Speaker 03

  Yeah. It took us five years to get that, that's exactly.

• 18:31Speaker 04

  If only that text had got through five years ago.

• 18:35Speaker 06

  Exactly. Just thinking the lessons you could think, you could have had the older appearance and gone five years. No, you are. And also, we're all parenting in a world we didn't live in.

• 18:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:47Speaker 06

  You know what I mean?

• 18:48Speaker 03

  The social media and algorithms.

• 18:49Speaker 06

  Social media, algorithms, noise, expectation, body image, all of these things. And, you know, I'm, I'm thinking, you know, I'm thinking, yeah, I'm gonna look at him, you gotta wear it and he's, for him, like, as a teenage boy, all of a sudden he fucking stands out and he's massively different and, and I just, I just, and I'm also older. You know what I mean? Like, how old are you?

• 19:13Speaker 03

  I'm forty now.

• 19:14Speaker 06

  And how old are your kids?

• 19:15Speaker 03

  Uh, eight and ten.

• 19:17Speaker 06

  And.

• 19:18Speaker 04

  Forty-two and, um, eight and four.

• 19:20Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah. So, no, no, I was twenty-seven when Joe was born. You know what I mean? I was thirty-one by the time we had three.

• 19:28Speaker 03

  God.

• 19:29Speaker 06

  Yeah, I'm fifty-nine now and so, and, and when you're fifty-nine, you'll be a better version of yourself because that's the, you just know more.

• 19:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:39Speaker 06

  And you're, you're softer and I, and I think, it's not that you love more, you, you can't love more, but you, you understand a little bit what the language of it is.

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• 21:57Speaker 04

  Let's talk about your kids.

• 21:59Speaker 02

  Okay, yes.

• 22:00Speaker 03

  Two kids.

• 22:00Speaker 02

  I have two.

• 22:01Speaker 03

  The Wikipedia wasn't updated.

• 22:03Speaker 02

  Yeah. I don't know why. Do you know what? Wikipedia's weird. Like, some of the things that are on there, I'm like-

• 22:07Speaker 03

  They're getting a bit aggy because of AI now.

• 22:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:09Speaker 04

  You've got a strong Wikipedia.

• 22:10Speaker 02

  I don't know who's updating that. Who updates it?

• 22:13Speaker 04

  Well, at points-

• 22:14Speaker 02

  The people.

• 22:15Speaker 03

  Fans.

• 22:16Speaker 02

  Fans.

• 22:17Speaker 04

  So, it was so good, your Wikipedia at points, that I thought-

• 22:20Speaker 02

  My gosh.

• 22:21Speaker 04

  She's written her own Wikipedia.

• 22:22Speaker 02

  I swear to God I have not talked to it.

• 22:24Speaker 04

  Well, obviously, because you write the right amount of kids.

• 22:25Speaker 02

  Exactly true. True. That's proof. There you go.

• 22:28Speaker 03

  It's hard to remember two kids when you've got thirty two songs in a little mix.

• 22:31Speaker 04

  You've got really extreme fans.

• 22:32Speaker 02

  I do. They're, they're, I'm on a Telegram with them, actually. We have a Telegram account.

• 22:36Speaker 04

  And then she won her first Grammy.

• 22:36Speaker 03

  You're on a Telegram? Josh, I don't know what that means.

• 22:38Speaker 02

  Do you know what Telegram is?

• 22:39Speaker 04

  Um, it's a social media.

• 22:44Speaker 02

  So, Josh, it's a group where you can connect with fans on a deeper level.

• 22:47Speaker 04

  Like a WhatsApp group?

• 22:49Speaker 02

  Very much so, but with not so personal.

• 22:51Speaker 04

  But not so personal.

• 22:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, because you can't see numbers on Telegram.

• 22:53Speaker 03

  Can they reply?

• 22:54Speaker 02

  They can. Yeah, yeah. It's like a proper, like, chat group.

• 22:55Speaker 04

  And do they know it's you?

• 22:56Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, they know. It's me. I can voice chat, pictures.

• 22:58Speaker 04

  So they can see who each person is?

• 22:59Speaker 02

  We just chat rubbish, to be honest with you.

• 23:01Speaker 03

  We should get a Telegram.

• 23:02Speaker 02

  You should.

• 23:03Speaker 03

  Parenting hell Telegram.

• 23:04Speaker 02

  Yeah. I do feel like your followers might be quite unhinged, though. I think I'd be a bit worried.

• 23:09Speaker 03

  Anything to do with parenting, there's a waste of five percent are quite intense, either way.

• 23:13Speaker 02

  That's the thing with parenting as well. I feel like when it's in a public forum, someone's always got something to say. That really does annoy me. Like, if you're on TikTok and it's like a parenting video or something-

• 23:22Speaker 03

  Oh my God, they just-

• 23:23Speaker 04

  Oh my God.

• 23:24Speaker 03

  They're awful. The comments.

• 23:25Speaker 02

  I'm like, they're the worst trolls of all, I think. A lot of them are like, you know, know-it-all parents.

• 23:29Speaker 03

  And you'll, but you'll get grief for like, say for example, if I went on TikTok and said, "Oh, I took my daughter to the park, went on the side, she only slipped off and, like, hit her head," and someone will go, "Terrible parenting."

• 23:38Speaker 02

  It's ridiculous.

• 23:39Speaker 03

  Or they will go, "Oh, pandering." What you, you, you can't remember when she cried.

• 23:43Speaker 02

  Do you know what really triggers people? No, don't get, don't get a Telegram.

• 23:47Speaker 03

  I'm getting a Telegram, actually.

• 23:47Speaker 02

  I think the thing that triggers people the most is seeing mums do the cry-out method. Like, if you're letting your child cry-

• 23:53Speaker 03

  Yes, that is a big-

• 23:53Speaker 02

  That is triggering.

• 23:55Speaker 03

  So how old are you? You've got eight months old?

• 23:56Speaker 02

  Sorry, yeah, back to my children. I have an eight-month-old.

• 23:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, and a-

• 23:59Speaker 02

  Tari, my daughter.

• 24:00Speaker 03

  A three-year-old?

• 24:01Speaker 02

  And a two-year-old.

• 24:02Speaker 03

  Two-year-old.

• 24:03Speaker 02

  TJ.

• 24:03Speaker 04

  So, where are they at this moment?

• 24:04Speaker 02

  Right now, TJ's at nursery and- Tari's at home with her dad.

• 24:08Speaker 03

  Oh wow. Yeah.

• 24:10Speaker 02

  Mum stay out.

• 24:10Speaker 03

  So how are you splitting the work?

• 24:12Speaker 02

  I love it.

• 24:13Speaker 04

  No wonder you're so pleased to be here.

• 24:14Speaker 02

  I'm so happy to be here. I got the call, I was like, yeah. See you later guys, I'm off to work.

• 24:19Speaker 03

  So who would be the default parent? Are you splitting it 50 50?

• 24:22Speaker 02

  To be fair, we split everything. Because we both kind of work from home. My husband is like a car content creator. He's incredible. He's a really famous TikToker. Like, when we're in the street, people push me out of the way.

• 24:32Speaker 03

  Oh really?

• 24:32Speaker 02

  You know, seriously.

• 24:33Speaker 03

  What's his name?

• 24:34Speaker 02

  Tommy. Tommy Alto.

• 24:36Speaker 04

  So.

• 24:37Speaker 02

  We digress, sorry.

• 24:37Speaker 04

  You mix, you combine your parenting because you're both working from home.

• 24:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:41Speaker 04

  With your job then, if you're writing songs and stuff or producing.

• 24:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:45Speaker 04

  Is that not one of those things where you need to like disappear into it?

• 24:49Speaker 02

  Oh my god, 100%. It's really hard. There's different elements to what I do. If I'm finishing a song, tweaking it, then my kids can be in the room. Like, my daughter Tari is so growly though. Like, she's

• 25:01Speaker 02

  she growls all the time.

• 25:02Speaker 03

  You sampling her?

• 25:03Speaker 02

  I actually have. I really, really have. I don't get why she's so growly. She's a cute little she's just been growling since birth. That's just her vibe.

• 25:10Speaker 03

  So my brother Joe was always like

• 25:12Speaker 04

  That's what growly means.

• 25:13Speaker 03

  She growls. But he was like always like miserable, like quite a miserable child.

• 25:17Speaker 02

  Really?

• 25:18Speaker 03

  Like my mum would say, like, he was always like, oh. Yeah, like quite chilled.

• 25:21Speaker 02

  Some kids are just on their own energy. She's really happy though, but she just growls. In happiness, she growls. She's just like

• 25:27Speaker 04

  Have you seen

• 25:28Speaker 02

  That's really weird.

• 25:29Speaker 04

  Get Back, the Beatles film where they're making Let It Be. And there's a bit where they're listening back and Linda McCartney's son, or daughter, I think it is, daughter.

• 25:39Speaker 03

  I think Linda McCartney's sausages was

• 25:40Speaker 04

  Linda McCartney's sausages are silly now. I can't hear anything, Linda.

• 25:45Speaker 03

  Shut the door. It'll never take off.

• 25:48Speaker 02

  I can't deal with it.

• 25:48Speaker 04

  Linda's daughter's in the mixing room, just playing around them. And I just thought, that must be so

• 25:54Speaker 02

  Do you know what? It's not one of those jobs where I think you can bring kids to work very easily. Like, it's just not that kind of vibe. You do need to kind of be in the zone and focus and be able to like have wonderful melodies come into your head without your child screaming at you. Yeah, that's, that's quite hard. But I tend to work out of the house if I'm going to a session. So if I'm with an artist in the room, I'll go to like where I am now, like a studio.

• 26:15Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 26:16Speaker 02

  But if I'm at home, it's because I'm in my own zone and I'm

• 26:18Speaker 03

  This is a bit like laying down a track.

• 26:19Speaker 02

  It is.

• 26:21Speaker 07

  It is. Can you lay something down for me now?

• 26:23Speaker 03

  But the beat's love.

• 26:24Speaker 07

  You're going to sing something for us?

• 26:25Speaker 03

  No, no, I can only talk. But it's difficult, though, if you are a comedian.

• 26:29Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 26:30Speaker 03

  Because if you're introduced to the world as a comedian, you can't do anything that's serious.

• 26:36Speaker 04

  The greatest album of all time, right? I still don't think if I released it now.

• 26:41Speaker 07

  We wouldn't take you seriously.

• 26:42Speaker 04

  No.

• 26:42Speaker 03

  No, even if it was pound for pound the best.

• 26:44Speaker 07

  We wouldn't.

• 26:45Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 26:45Speaker 07

  That's actually really sad, isn't it?

• 26:47Speaker 04

  I know, it's my absolute trauma, because you should see the songs I'm singing on.

• 26:51Speaker 07

  I feel like it's kind of like Harry Potter. I feel like Daniel Radcliffe could never be anything else.

• 26:55Speaker 04

  Exactly, yeah.

• 26:57Speaker 03

  And he didn't really shoot up enough to be Harry Potter, did he? That's the elephant in the room, isn't it? He's too little.

• 27:02Speaker 07

  I thought he meant that as well.

• 27:03Speaker 03

  What did you mean?

• 27:04Speaker 07

  I missed, I missed on.

• 27:05Speaker 03

  He didn't do enough heroin?

• 27:06Speaker 04

  I thought, I thought Beck is not.

• 27:08Speaker 07

  This is so dark.

• 27:10Speaker 04

  I thought it was like a child star thing.

• 27:12Speaker 03

  In the books, Harry Potter turns into a six foot three tall, dark, mysterious drunk. And he's not.

• 27:18Speaker 07

  That's what he meant by shit.

• 27:19Speaker 03

  He's a lovely little, lovely little fellow.

• 27:21Speaker 04

  Lovely little guy. So, talk to me about having an eight month old.

• 27:26Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 27:26Speaker 04

  What's your day like at the moment?

• 27:28Speaker 07

  You know what? I think, because this is our second child, it's chill. Like, because I know who I am now.

• 27:35Speaker 03

  You're experienced or you care less?

• 27:37Speaker 07

  I care less. I really just have stopped caring.

• 27:42Speaker 03

  Not in a bad way, though, but you're not overly worried. That's what we were like.

• 27:44Speaker 07

  No. And the key for me was with her. I sleep trained her.

• 27:48Speaker 03

  Oh, really?

• 27:50Speaker 07

  My gosh.

• 27:51Speaker 03

  So, right, before we get into this, can you tell me what you did with the first one? And then what you did with the second one?

• 27:55Speaker 07

  Poor TJ. He was just kind of, we were so cautious about everything. Everything was life on day. Oh my gosh, he's got a rash. Oh my god, we're going to go to A and E. Like, we were ridiculous.

• 28:05Speaker 04

  Oh yeah, we were that.

• 28:06Speaker 07

  You can't touch him. You can't touch the baby like that. I was literally like obsessed.

• 28:10Speaker 03

  Oh, really?

• 28:11Speaker 07

  Yeah, it was so, so stupid. And when I look back, I'm like, oh my god, what was I doing? It was my first time. You don't know any difference. If my parents came to the house and I washed their hands, I would brief fire on them, like, how dare you touch this child?

• 28:22Speaker 04

  What were your parents' reaction to that? Were they like?

• 28:24Speaker 07

  Just rolling their eyes at me constantly.

• 28:25Speaker 04

  Because their generation would be like.

• 28:27Speaker 07

  And Tommy's even worse than me. My husband is even worse than me. He is like a hypochondriac, literally, like, so, yeah.

• 28:33Speaker 04

  How clean is your car?

• 28:34Speaker 07

  They're supremely clean. He gets them cleaned like once every four days, three, four days.

• 28:38Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 28:39Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 28:39Speaker 03

  Josh's is an absolute shitter.

• 28:41Speaker 04

  Yes, fucking stink.

• 28:42Speaker 07

  It's okay.

• 28:45Speaker 04

  When we got our cat cremated, our cat died and they gave us the form. The food was costing us too much and it was two levels of fee. One was ashes and the other was the ashes of your specific cat. So some people who can't afford it are just paying, all the cats are going in and then you just get a bit of that.

• 29:07Speaker 06

  Just generic cat ashes.

• 29:08Speaker 04

  Just get some generic cat ashes.

• 29:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, I've got a story about a dog.

• 29:14Speaker 06

  We had a dog, it's a very sweet dog, it was my wife's dog originally. And she had diabetes and so you had to give these, you know, insulin and it was quite a responsibility. And we went on holiday and we were nervous about going on holiday, so we left it with the breeder, this lady that knew the dog really well. And we went away, we came back, we went to go and pick the dog up. And she said, I'm afraid the dog died, didn't want to phone you because they didn't want to spoil your holiday, but your dog died. And she handed us the receipt to go and pick up the ashes from the vet's. And charged us for the kenneling.

• 29:53Speaker 03

  Not the whole duration, no, up till death.

• 29:58Speaker 03

  No. And was it a diabetes death? Was it her fault for not being on top of them?

• 30:03Speaker 06

  We haven't had the results of the inquiry yet.

• 30:09Speaker 06

  I don't even think, the vet equivalent of Quincy coming, turning up, right? Or, you know, CSI, whatever it is, you know.

• 30:17Speaker 04

  So, Harry, how many kids have you got?

• 30:19Speaker 03

  And have you got a dog?

• 30:20Speaker 06

  Well, one at a time, guys.

• 30:22Speaker 03

  Sorry, we're new.

• 30:22Speaker 06

  What have you learned over the last four years? Last time I was here.

• 30:26Speaker 03

  Well, it's the first time I've done it in person, we did it on Zoom before and you was in your office.

• 30:29Speaker 06

  I was listening to it on the way in because I was trying to remember what I'd talked about.

• 30:33Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 30:33Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 30:34Speaker 04

  So you've got three children, there's something you said that always sticks with me.

• 30:37Speaker 06

  Oh, I've got, before you say anything, I've got a message for you from my wife. She said to me, what are you doing? I said, oh, I'm, well, she said, why are you in the outfit?

• 30:47Speaker 03

  Oh no.

• 30:49Speaker 06

  And she said, I thought that was over. I said, no, there's still some.

• 30:53Speaker 03

  Are you tempted to drop the outfit though? Or is it, will it forever be the outfit? Cause.

• 30:58Speaker 06

  It's just easier, isn't it? It's easier to put it on.

• 31:00Speaker 03

  Is it?

• 31:01Speaker 06

  Anyway, she said, I said, I'm doing that parenting hell thing. She said, yeah, I got a message for those two. She said, parenting hell, she said, any wife of a comedian will know who does the parenting. It's not the comedians.

• 31:13Speaker 04

  Oh my word.

• 31:14Speaker 03

  Well, I tell you what.

• 31:15Speaker 04

  That comes from grim firsthand experience, doesn't it?

• 31:17Speaker 03

  She'd like to buy Lou Beckett's book called Lessons From A Default Parent. And she's written a book very much about that.

• 31:23Speaker 06

  Oh really?

• 31:24Speaker 03

  About being the one that does all the parenting.

• 31:25Speaker 04

  And do you feel that's fair on you, Harry?

• 31:27Speaker 06

  The comedy widow. Uh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.

• 31:32Speaker 03

  Baby, do you feel like you've done more parenting now that you're older and the kids are older?

• 31:36Speaker 06

  Well, I've stopped parenting now.

• 31:38Speaker 03

  Oh, have you?

• 31:38Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 31:39Speaker 04

  How old are your kids?

• 31:40Speaker 06

  I had a cutoff. I said, you know, we stopped parenting at twenty, I think it's twenty one, isn't it? You come of age and you're on your own.

• 31:46Speaker 03

  Your kids in their twenties?

• 31:47Speaker 06

  I'm kidding, but.

• 31:48Speaker 03

  No, I don't think you are really. I think you have, actually you've drawn on a imaginary line and if they come home and go, dad, this has gone in, you're like, yeah, well, good for you.

• 31:56Speaker 06

  Yeah, my wife, they, cause our kids live near, near us.

• 31:59Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 32:00Speaker 06

  Like, we see a lot of them.

• 32:01Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 32:02Speaker 06

  And she said, oh, I should be coming around again tonight.

• 32:08Speaker 03

  So how, how old are they?

• 32:10Speaker 06

  Uh, twenty eight, twenty seven and twenty one.

• 32:15Speaker 04

  So this is what I remember vividly of the first one. I don't know why it stuck with me, was you saying that you weren't sure about having a third child.

• 32:23Speaker 06

  That's right, yeah.

• 32:25Speaker 04

  But then it was the best decision you ever made.

• 32:28Speaker 06

  Oh, why are you thinking about?

• 32:30Speaker 04

  No, but there's something that stuck with me about that. I tell you what it was. It's very rare that you see into the soul of Harry Hill, the person. Do you know what I mean? It felt like a genuine moment of deep emotion from you.

• 32:43Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, um.

• 32:47Speaker 06

  Yeah, it was a blur that, because we had two, you know, we had the Irish twins thing, the year between them, and it was just like, uh, absolute, uh, absolute, you know, you had that double pram.

• 32:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, we had the double pram.

• 33:00Speaker 06

  Trying to get that into the, you know, an automatic door.

• 33:03Speaker 03

  Watching your wife trying to move that in through a doorway.

• 33:06Speaker 06

  You approach the door, you know, with the double pram, and you've got to sort of manoeuvre it in, and the door shuts, or you've got to get it.

• 33:11Speaker 04

  So was it, so was it, sorry, driver and passenger or front and back?

• 33:16Speaker 06

  What?

• 33:17Speaker 04

  The double pram, is it front and back?

• 33:18Speaker 03

  Side by side.

• 33:19Speaker 04

  Side by side?

• 33:19Speaker 06

  Yeah, side by side, yeah.

• 33:20Speaker 04

  Side by side.

• 33:21Speaker 06

  Yeah, the double decker came in, I think, after we.

• 33:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, that, but also it's unfair for the undercarriage child.

• 33:26Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 33:27Speaker 03

  Just looking at the arse, like, the back, it's not very nice.

• 33:30Speaker 06

  Can't see anything.

• 33:31Speaker 03

  No.

• 33:31Speaker 04

  The back of a pantomime horse situation.

• 33:33Speaker 06

  Briefly, there's the buggy board, remember the buggy board?

• 33:35Speaker 03

  We had a buggy board, that was fun.

• 33:36Speaker 06

  But they don't really want to go on that off the first couple of runs. They want to go in the pram.

• 33:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:41Speaker 04

  Yeah, because it's, it's, it stops picking a lot up very quickly.

• 33:44Speaker 06

  Yeah, and it's, obviously, it's much easier if they're in a pram.

• 33:47Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 33:47Speaker 06

  But you do see, I think it's always funny, you see those kids, you sort of wander around Bluewater or something, and, uh, there's like a great big kid in the pram.

• 33:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:56Speaker 06

  Like a seven-year-old or something. A dummy and.

• 34:00Speaker 03

  Did you ever go to Disney, you see, there is so much walking, you do get eleven-year-olds in the pram still, because they're so tired.

• 34:05Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 34:06Speaker 04

  So I went to your show at Shepherd's Bush.

• 34:08Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 34:09Speaker 04

  I briefly dropped into the after drinks, but you didn't show.

• 34:12Speaker 06

  I was there.

• 34:13Speaker 04

  I know, but I.

• 34:14Speaker 06

  You went, you ran off, you mean?

• 34:15Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I.

• 34:16Speaker 06

  Yeah, because I remember coming around.

• 34:18Speaker 03

  You didn't wait long enough for him?

• 34:19Speaker 04

  I gave it twenty minutes, and I was like, he's obviously giving some kind of producer a roasting backstage for a missed cue.

• 34:25Speaker 06

  Yeah, you get this thing where, uh, you know, people come, friends come to see the show, and then the speed with which they find their way backstage is a, is a bit of a wind-up to me. You come off, you're drenched in sweat, you just want a breather, knock, knock, knock on the door.

• 34:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:41Speaker 06

  Oh, hello, you know.

• 34:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, the reason I bring this up is your daughter was there.

• 34:45Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 34:46Speaker 04

  And I thought, what's it like?

• 34:48Speaker 06

  They were all there, all three of them.

• 34:49Speaker 04

  All three of them?

• 34:50Speaker 06

  One was dressed as Stufa, one was dressed as Gary, and one was dressed as the ice cream.

• 34:54Speaker 04

  Oh, wow, so they all took part in the show?

• 34:57Speaker 06

  Yeah, they're at the end, they come on as the, um.

• 34:59Speaker 04

  Oh, so, and what's that like? Is that a very?

• 35:01Speaker 06

  It's been brilliant.

• 35:02Speaker 04

  Yeah, so have they done the whole tour?

• 35:04Speaker 06

  No, they, no, they're not, they're not at such a loose end as that.

• 35:09Speaker 03

  Because your wife could go on stage as well.

• 35:11Speaker 06

  My wife wouldn't, she doesn't like coming to see the show, let alone. Learn being in it.

• 35:18Speaker 06

  She goes, where are you going? So I've got Sheba's Bush tonight.

• 35:25Speaker 06

  Why aren't you in the outfit? I changed into it when I get there. No, because, you know, like I said before, I always sort of discouraged them coming along, the kids.

• 35:34Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 35:35Speaker 06

  And this time, because they're older, they came along and it was just great because they're, because you can't see their face. So there's, you know, Winnie's in the, in the, she's twenty seven, she's in the Stufa costume.

• 35:47Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 35:47Speaker 06

  She can see me, but I can't see her face. But somehow, just by the way she's dancing, I know it's her.

• 35:53Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 35:54Speaker 06

  And I, and I would always kind of forget because they would come, maybe, you know, maybe the youngest did more, maybe did about two weeks of it on and off.

• 36:04Speaker 04

  And I paid?

• 36:05Speaker 06

  I think I did say I was gonna pay them.

• 36:08Speaker 06

  But I didn't. And then Freddie would come on as Gary. So she's got the thing and Gary's head sticking out the top, so you can't see it. And she would come and she said, and she said to me, I'll, I'll come on and I'll maybe do a little dance with you. I thought, yeah, okay. She comes on and of course they're her hands.

• 36:22Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 36:23Speaker 06

  But they look like Gary's hands. And, and she just takes my hand and I, and you just, I just know, it's Freddie's hand.

• 36:29Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 36:30Speaker 06

  It's like a real, actually really affecting and sweet.

• 36:32Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 36:32Speaker 06

  And it's the first time I thought, oh, maybe, you know, it'd be great if one of them did go into it, but, um.

• 36:37Speaker 04

  None of them gone into performing?

• 36:38Speaker 06

  No. They're all funny, but I mean, I think everyone's kids are funny, aren't they?

• 36:43Speaker 04

  I don't think we talked about this last time because I don't think I realised it, but you've got hell of a kind of kid following through Junior Bake Off.

• 36:52Speaker 06

  Yes, yeah. Well, I had kids following me from You've Been Framed.

• 36:57Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 36:57Speaker 06

  And TV Burb, you know, so it's funny, on this last tour, because I hadn't, didn't tour regularly for a while.

• 37:04Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 37:05Speaker 06

  And I get these guys coming, they're twenty five year olds and they're going, Harry, you were in my, you were in my childhood. And they wanna hug, can I hug you?

• 37:15Speaker 04

  Oh, really?

• 37:16Speaker 06

  Yeah. They're like twenty five, late twenties maybe.

• 37:19Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 37:20Speaker 06

  And then you get these, you know, little, little ones, sort of ten year olds.

• 37:23Speaker 04

  Oh, wow.

• 37:24Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 37:25Speaker 04

  Because you, you did a podcast sort of aimed at younger kids. Now you've got a new podcast coming out that's still family friendly.

• 37:30Speaker 06

  I love the way he's.

• 37:31Speaker 04

  He's good, isn't he?

• 37:32Speaker 06

  He's very good.

• 37:32Speaker 04

  He did a great one the other day. What was that one? That was really good. Oh, Prince Nazeem Hamad. It's, it's so easy for me. I don't like doing it all the time.

• 37:42Speaker 06

  Well, let me jump on that. Yeah, I've got a new podcast.

• 37:46Speaker 04

  Are you gonna go down the barrel for this?

• 37:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, straight down the bazar.

• 37:49Speaker 06

  Is that my barrel? I've got a new podcast out. It's called The Harry Hill Show. We're video, you know, like everyone's videoing.

• 37:56Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 37:57Speaker 06

  And I basically-

• 37:58Speaker 03

  It's a TV show now, mate. You've got your all control over it.

• 38:01Speaker 06

  It's basically cheap TV. But it's, it's sort of repeating history. So, you know, once upon a time there was radio. And then someone said, oh, we could film it. And that was TV. And now it's, then it was podcast. So, hey, we could film it.

• 38:16Speaker 06

  Come on, guys, wake up. And, um-

• 38:20Speaker 03

  We're already doing this.

• 38:22Speaker 06

  So, I mean, we'll just fall in. We'll just fall in and do it. Oh, you've got a video? Yeah, all right, we'll video it. And, uh, cause you were doing it from home before. This is a real drag for you, right?

• 38:33Speaker 04

  Well, I live in Devon now as well. But actually, the interviews are a lot more fun.

• 38:38Speaker 03

  We're loving the face-to-face interviews.

• 38:39Speaker 06

  Well, you say that.

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• 40:17Speaker 02

  I was a teenager.

• 40:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:18Speaker 02

  You know what I mean?

• 40:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:19Speaker 02

  So, I mean, come on.

• 40:20Speaker 03

  How old were you?

• 40:21Speaker 02

  I was eighteen.

• 40:22Speaker 03

  Eighteen, yeah.

• 40:23Speaker 02

  Yeah. Still in school.

• 40:25Speaker 04

  Still in school. Fair play.

• 40:27Speaker 02

  In school.

• 40:28Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 40:29Speaker 02

  What, that having the baby or getting pregnant?

• 40:32Speaker 04

  Both.

• 40:32Speaker 02

  Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 40:34Speaker 04

  I respect it.

• 40:35Speaker 03

  I definitely wasn't getting anyone pregnant.

• 40:38Speaker 02

  Well, I mean, I was shocked. I was very shocked. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 40:43Speaker 03

  So it wasn't as such sort of a planned family at that point?

• 40:46Speaker 02

  No, it was not. And I told people, I actually had heard tell of a girl who was like nineteen, who had a baby, was with the boyfriend and she was planning another one. I was like, she needs to be committed. I was like, she's insane. I was like, that's, you know, I was giving it all the big wah, wah, wah. And then sure, it was me the following week.

• 41:06Speaker 04

  Oh, my word.

• 41:07Speaker 02

  Yeah. Not on the cards at all.

• 41:09Speaker 03

  So what was your plan before the baby arrived? Was you gonna study more or did you wanna go into comedy? Or did you know what was going on?

• 41:18Speaker 02

  My plan was I was gonna live at large. I had things to do.

• 41:21Speaker 04

  You've never lived at large?

• 41:22Speaker 02

  I had two, I had two months.

• 41:24Speaker 04

  You had two months?

• 41:25Speaker 02

  I had two months there where I went hell for leather. I just lost my mind because my parents were quite strict.

• 41:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 41:31Speaker 02

  So I had a summer away.

• 41:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:33Speaker 02

  And I went baloo, like I went balooas.

• 41:37Speaker 03

  Do you think them being strict sort of was counterproductive?

• 41:40Speaker 02

  Yes. It was. Although they were strict on my brothers as well and it worked out with them. But my mom said that I definitely was the hardest because when they say, well, obviously I got pregnant, but before that, I was the hardest. Because they would say, you know, you can't, you're not doing that or whatever. I would then come down and present a case of why I should. Be allowed, why, you know, they said that I would never, I would never let it go. And I just can't cease to lie to them. They thought I was like professional bowling equator. I mean, I was, the amount of films I was supposedly seeing, like I was drinking in fields the whole time. I just had all these made up friends, all these places I was going and I was just drinking in fields, having a great time. So the plan was just to have.

• 42:24Speaker 04

  Just drinking in fields?

• 42:27Speaker 02

  That's what happens when you're drinking in fields. But the plan was, there was no plan, but I definitely wasn't gonna, like, yeah, probably go to college, but probably go to London.

• 42:35Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 42:36Speaker 02

  Get the London look. The London look was big at the time. No one really knows what the London look was. You know, like on the Rimmel ad with Kate Moss.

• 42:41Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 42:43Speaker 03

  Was quite aspirational to go London.

• 42:44Speaker 02

  Let's go to London. And, um, no, it didn't happen. So like into that, very early into that school term. So I got pregnant in the August, then in the September. So it's like your big final year, you're gonna do a state exam. Everything rides on that state exam in terms of like what college university course you can get.

• 43:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 43:05Speaker 02

  It's a, like a big, huge thing. And then I'm pregnant that year.

• 43:09Speaker 04

  Oh, my word.

• 43:10Speaker 02

  So I'm pregnant, all girls school, pregnant.

• 43:13Speaker 04

  So who could it have been?

• 43:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, I know. But that was the other thing. When I say to my, when I had to tell my mother I'm pregnant, I also had to say, like, I've had sex. That was actually a bigger thing.

• 43:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, I don't think she was waiting for that part.

• 43:27Speaker 02

  No, but I was, I was embarrassed about that. Cause she's like, who? You know what I mean?

• 43:32Speaker 04

  What?

• 43:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:34Speaker 03

  Wow. And was it, was it like a boyfriend?

• 43:36Speaker 02

  It was like a summer.

• 43:37Speaker 03

  If this is too invasive question.

• 43:39Speaker 02

  No, no, it's like a summer. Cause you see, this is what happens. If you have a child young.

• 43:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:43Speaker 02

  You have to be, you have to learn to be quite open about it.

• 43:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:47Speaker 02

  Because everyone wants to know.

• 43:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:49Speaker 02

  Because everyone thinks of that could have been me, whether it was like in their twenties or whatever, or that happened to my friend Sarah. Or my brother John had a kid when he, you know.

• 43:59Speaker 03

  Well, everyone knows that a girl at school that that's all happened to or in the area.

• 44:02Speaker 02

  Yeah. So everyone always wants to know. So you kind of, you, you get very comfortable with telling everyone your story. So he was like a summer kind of dalliance. So like very into him, but like not.

• 44:15Speaker 04

  You're not, you're not pushing through that as a relationship, are you?

• 44:18Speaker 02

  Come on. There's only so much you can do.

• 44:22Speaker 03

  Was he, was he what, at school at the time?

• 44:24Speaker 02

  He was like, uh, I think he had just finished and he was, yeah, he was going to go to college.

• 44:30Speaker 03

  Right, yeah.

• 44:30Speaker 02

  So I met him, I was, gosh, I'm working in a chipper.

• 44:36Speaker 03

  What's a chipper?

• 44:37Speaker 04

  Chip shop.

• 44:37Speaker 03

  Chip shop?

• 44:37Speaker 02

  Chip shop, yeah. And it's the night he's getting his exam results.

• 44:42Speaker 03

  Oh, the lucky devil.

• 44:44Speaker 02

  So I'm saying salt and vinegar and then.

• 44:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:48Speaker 02

  But we were seeing each other for a while while I was there. Yeah, yeah, hello, all that. So I seen him for a while, living in, sorry, I'm just actually remembering the story.

• 44:57Speaker 03

  This is great.

• 44:57Speaker 02

  Living in a mobile home.

• 44:59Speaker 03

  He was living in a mobile home?

• 45:00Speaker 02

  No, I was.

• 45:00Speaker 03

  You was?

• 45:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 45:02Speaker 03

  What, near your parents' house or your own place?

• 45:04Speaker 02

  No, so my friend's parents had, in Wexford, you know, like by the sea.

• 45:08Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 45:08Speaker 02

  Have like a caravan or whatever. So me and my friend were living in that, working. Look, you turn up to be church mentioned.

• 45:15Speaker 03

  No, I'm not, I'm just trying to, it feels like a pitch for a sitcom idea.

• 45:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, so.

• 45:19Speaker 03

  But it's your, it's your actual life and I need to remember to be respectful. Because I'm really trying my best not to say something bad.

• 45:27Speaker 02

  You're like, okay, okay.

• 45:29Speaker 03

  I'm not very good poker face.

• 45:30Speaker 02

  So me and my friend are living in the mobile home, the caravan.

• 45:34Speaker 03

  You're in a caravan in Wexford, you work in a chip shop, this child walks in who's getting his grades, results.

• 45:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's.

• 45:40Speaker 03

  And you two are loving each other.

• 45:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, and so.

• 45:43Speaker 04

  And does he move into the mobile home?

• 45:45Speaker 02

  No, he doesn't move in, but we see each other. No, no, it's not that ridiculous, come on. I see, I'm kind of seeing him a bit while I'm down there.

• 45:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:52Speaker 02

  But I have to go home because I'm not finished school yet.

• 45:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:54Speaker 02

  So at the end of the summer I have to go home.

• 45:56Speaker 03

  And how far's home, was it?

• 45:57Speaker 02

  Oh, like, it's like an hour and a half, you know what I mean? Like, we're just down, like, like, you know, seaside town. We go, I go back home and then very quickly, I'm back at school.

• 46:05Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 46:05Speaker 02

  And I find out very quickly, I'm pregnant.

• 46:07Speaker 04

  Oh, and so how do you tell him?

• 46:10Speaker 02

  I told him, uh, cause I felt, I think from watching like films or something, I was like, okay, you have to tell the dad, he's the next person that needs to kind of know.

• 46:19Speaker 04

  Before your mum.

• 46:20Speaker 02

  Before my mum. So my friend who I was with knew.

• 46:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 46:23Speaker 02

  So this poor friend of mine.

• 46:25Speaker 03

  Reading it in the newspaper, the chip shop.

• 46:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, this poor friend of mine, I mean, I told her everything, you know what I mean? So she's my confidant. She was there, like, I mean, she wasn't in the room, but she basically would have been like, there's no soundproof.

• 46:35Speaker 04

  It's a caravan.

• 46:36Speaker 03

  And she knows.

• 46:37Speaker 02

  So she knows, right?

• 46:38Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 46:38Speaker 02

  She was with his friend.

• 46:40Speaker 04

  She was with his friend?

• 46:41Speaker 02

  Oh, this actually, will I tell you this bit? This is the funny bit. So we're in the mobile home the night I got pregnant, right? So I'd seen him before, whatever. And we are kind of like pair, oh, Jesus Christ, we're pairing off, right? But it's only one condom, right?

• 46:56Speaker 04

  Oh, my God.

• 46:57Speaker 02

  We kind of say who's gonna get it. So me and him get it. She doesn't get it.

• 47:01Speaker 04

  Oh, my God.

• 47:02Speaker 02

  Right? We get it.

• 47:04Speaker 04

  But it doesn't work. Oh, my word.

• 47:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:08Speaker 03

  Oh, wow.

• 47:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:09Speaker 04

  Only one condom.

• 47:11Speaker 03

  And you got it and still got pregnant?

• 47:13Speaker 04

  Still got pregnant.

• 47:13Speaker 03

  Jesus, what's this guy got using as a nut?

• 47:15Speaker 02

  I know. Powerful stuff. So she knew the whole story, right? And of course, she's like you, she's trying not to sit there and kind of just go, oh, fucking escape that one.

• 47:26Speaker 03

  Sorry, I'm smiling too much, aren't I?

• 47:28Speaker 02

  No, she's like, that could have been me.

• 47:29Speaker 04

  The condom, the faulty condom is giving you an air of over-security that she didn't have.

• 47:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:36Speaker 04

  So she's got lucky by not having the faulty condom.

• 47:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 47:39Speaker 03

  How fa- what, what is it, faulty?

• 47:41Speaker 02

  I think he put it, I think he made a faulty, I think.

• 47:44Speaker 03

  He put it on wrong?

• 47:44Speaker 02

  I think so.

• 47:45Speaker 04

  He put it on his head.

• 47:45Speaker 03

  He had it on his nose.

• 47:46Speaker 02

  Because in my room, in the mo- in the mobile home, the light didn't work, so it was pitch black.

• 47:51Speaker 04

  So he didn't know where his penis was.

• 47:54Speaker 03

  I've not been funny ever. In the dark, I know where my dick is. I've ne- I've never lost it once.

• 48:00Speaker 02

  All these years I've been sticking up for him. That's how long I am.

• 48:03Speaker 03

  In his defence, it was dark in.

• 48:14Speaker 03

  Oh wow.

• 48:15Speaker 02

  So, yes.

• 48:16Speaker 03

  Well, he was a kid as well, he's not experienced in condoms.

• 48:20Speaker 02

  I've got no clue. You know the way on TV, do you ever see that thing?

• 48:23Speaker 03

  I'm still not 100% convinced I know what to do.

• 48:25Speaker 02

  You know on Degrassi Junior High, they constantly put condoms and bananas. I was like, when are we gonna do that in school? I think we should know that.

• 48:31Speaker 03

  A condom and a banana in daylight, it's a lot different to a dick in the dark in Wexford.

• 48:35Speaker 04

  In the school, and now we're gonna turn the lights off for the next lesson.

• 48:40Speaker 03

  Out in the field.

• 48:42Speaker 02

  With the lights off, try and do it with the lights off.

• 48:43Speaker 04

  So how did he take it?

• 48:45Speaker 02

  So I phoned him and very, it's actually now, not funny at the time, it's very funny now to look back at it, obviously.

• 48:54Speaker 02

  Chris Rock does a bit that I then later discovered years later, when a woman rings a man to tell him that she's pregnant, if the guy's response is, "What are you gonna do?"

• 49:04Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 49:04Speaker 02

  You know, we have fucked. And that's what he said to me. He was like, "What are you gonna do?"

• 49:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:09Speaker 02

  I was like, "Well, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Like, I don't know. I'm gonna have, I was like, I'm gonna have the baby or whatever."

• 49:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:15Speaker 02

  And he was like, "Okay." And that was kinda it, like. Cause he was like, "Are you coming down?" I think he was like, you know, cause we were still in touch actually, we were still in touch and trying to think of ways to meet up. And I was like, "Oh, like, I'm pregnant." And then just this big silence. And I was like, "He's still there?"

• 49:32Speaker 04

  Oh my god.

• 49:33Speaker 02

  And he's like, "Yeah, so what are you gonna do?"

• 49:36Speaker 04

  Oh my god. Oh my word.

• 49:40Speaker 02

  And I was trying to be very grown up, like, thinking, "Oh, well, message him, I'll phone him."

• 49:44Speaker 04

  It doesn't help that he's the first person you've spoken to, so you haven't even kind of spoken to your parents at this point.

• 49:48Speaker 02

  No, no, no. And I don't have a plan. Nobody knows. The school don't know. My parents don't know. Nobody knows.

• 49:55Speaker 04

  Oh my word.

• 49:55Speaker 02

  What I'm telling him is if he's, if he doesn't know.

• 49:58Speaker 03

  Obviously it's been a long time, we're laughing about it now, but you might, would you completely devastated and panicked and like?

• 50:04Speaker 02

  Big star panicked, yeah. Oh, like panicked.

• 50:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:08Speaker 02

  Panicked, like.

• 50:11Speaker 02

  Like I just was on autopilot for like all that time. Like when I was growing up, like all girls go, you would chat about it. I was like, oh my God, what would you do if you got pregnant?

• 50:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:22Speaker 02

  What would you do if you got pregnant? I'm gonna kill myself. So will I. Oh my God. Do you know what I mean? Like, we were like, that is the worst thing that this is like, you know, no, she's, there was no, like abortion wasn't available in Ireland.

• 50:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, Ireland as well. It's a, it's a level up island, I think, with that kind of thing.

• 50:39Speaker 02

  You see, and as well, we wouldn't have, we would have had like laundries up until the nineties. So now I don't know anyone who went to a laundry, but you know what I mean? Like that takes.

• 50:48Speaker 03

  What's a laundry? Sorry, I've quite good.

• 50:50Speaker 02

  Laundries are, do you ever hear of like the Magdalen laundries? It would have been a thing where back in the day in like Catholic Ireland, if a woman had gotten pregnant.

• 50:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:00Speaker 02

  She would go to a laundry to work, to be put to work. So it was run by nuns. She would go there to work in a laundry, you know, like.

• 51:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, in a laundry, laundry.

• 51:10Speaker 02

  Bed sheets and all that. And then her baby would be adopted through the laundry.

• 51:15Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 51:16Speaker 02

  So that would happen, women who say were from like very poor backgrounds or they had been abandoned. So their parent, their family was like.

• 51:24Speaker 03

  It's the only place they could go.

• 51:25Speaker 02

  There you go.

• 51:26Speaker 03

  And they'd have no choice. They'd have to give up the baby.

• 51:27Speaker 02

  They'd have to give up the baby.

• 51:28Speaker 03

  Oh God.

• 51:29Speaker 02

  Or like, so say, and this would be like, you know, all sorts of women would say, if it happened to a young girl.

• 51:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:36Speaker 02

  And if the family, if the family didn't have the money to maybe send her off somewhere, you know, like say maybe to an aunt somewhere else.

• 51:45Speaker 03

  Oh my gosh.

• 51:46Speaker 02

  That she could hide away for a while.

• 51:47Speaker 03

  Was that to stop sort of family shame as.

• 51:49Speaker 02

  Family shame, to do something with the baby. So now there was only, I think, it's like, it had all been winding, winding down. But you know, like that building was, there was still one in Dublin.

• 51:59Speaker 03

  Yeah. And you would still know people that that was their life experience.

• 52:03Speaker 02

  Stories from your own mom of, you know, friends that had gone away. You know, there'd be lots of stor, lots of adoption stories or that women had gone away. You know, may not have been in a laundry, but would have gone away to like, say, I think it would have been quite common to go to like a kind of a nursing home.

• 52:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:22Speaker 02

  Stay there, have the baby, come back. I was away.

• 52:26Speaker 03

  Work, yeah.

• 52:27Speaker 04

  Jeez.

• 52:28Speaker 02

  You know.

• 52:28Speaker 03

  God.

• 52:29Speaker 02

  So that, I'm not saying that was happening when I was growing up.

• 52:31Speaker 03

  They still, you've got to tell your mum and dad about it. This, this was a thing that happened and you're a eighteen year old kid.

• 52:38Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 52:39Speaker 03

  So how did they take it?

• 52:40Speaker 02

  They were actually great.

• 52:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:42Speaker 02

  They were great. So I, like, now I knew it wasn't going to be because they were going to kick me out or they were going to feel shame. I just, I knew that they would feel like, oh, like everything's going to be so much harder for her now.

• 52:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:54Speaker 02

  You know, it's going to really, it's going to really change everything. My mum took it really well. I wrote her a letter and I like left the letter and ran out the door. And then she came and found me. I'd just had gone to my friend's house across the road, like, and she just came over, you know what I mean?

• 53:12Speaker 04

  I ran away.

• 53:13Speaker 02

  Like a child.

• 53:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:14Speaker 02

  What could you mean? I ran, I ran away to the end of the road, like, kind of thing. And she came and found me and she just said, she gave me a big hug and she was like, come home when you're ready. And my friend was like, what's going on here? And then my dad, she rang my dad and I'm like, oh god, because I'm the only girl and I say, oh god, he's going to flip. You know, and he'd been at, like, would have been like one of those dads, like, close the door, you know, those dads, dad's going to knock. But he was like, oh, I quite like the idea of being a grandad. So they were really nice about it, but then, once I told them, they went into like action mode. Right, what do we have to do? We have to tell the school, we have to go to the doctor, we have to, you know, and I'm just worried about my final exam in school. Because I want to, I want to get that done. So it's like.

• 53:56Speaker 03

  Because if you get that done, it does give you options in a couple of years' time, doesn't it, to defer.

• 54:00Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 54:01Speaker 03

  Studying when the baby's older.

• 54:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, you can, you can do all that then. Like, you need to have that to move on to third level education. So I want to get that done. But the dates are very tight.

• 54:12Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 54:12Speaker 02

  So the, I think at the end, I was basically, I had my daughter and then thirteen days later, I start the exams.

• 54:20Speaker 04

  Oh, fucking Nora.

• 54:22Speaker 02

  To do those exams, like, English paper one happens on the Monday morning at nine o'clock. You have to sit that exam then.

• 54:29Speaker 03

  Right.

• 54:30Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:30Speaker 02

  There's, I don't know, I still don't think there is.

• 54:32Speaker 04

  Because it's the same exam, so obviously.

• 54:34Speaker 02

  It's the same exam and it's locked in a case and, you know, all that kind of stuff.

• 54:38Speaker 03

  There's no dispensation for someone that's just had a baby?

• 54:40Speaker 02

  No, and I, actually, when I went to the maternity hospital, like, when I was doing my checkups and it was getting really close.

• 54:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:46Speaker 02

  And I was worried about.

• 54:48Speaker 04

  So you were going to do the exam?

• 54:49Speaker 02

  Oh yeah, doing the exam. So say originally with her, her due dates, I would have had four extra dates.

• 54:56Speaker 04

  Hmm, yeah.

• 54:57Speaker 02

  So say she was due on the eighteenth, but she ended up being born on the twenty second. So I'm going in for appointment on the eighteenth, I think.

• 55:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:06Speaker 02

  And it's my due date. So I'm like, okay, well, they're gonna tell me to stay.

• 55:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:09Speaker 02

  She's due today and I have an exam to do. And I was like, they just did the exam. Yeah, everything great, fantastic. I'm like, sorry, it's my due day today. What's going on? And she's like, no, it's fine. Like, this is totally normal. And I was like, yeah, no, but I have to do my leaving cert. And she was like, don't worry. She's like, plenty of girls have done their leaving cert in here. And I was like, I was like, I'm not doing my leaving cert in the maternity, on the maternity ward.

• 55:35Speaker 04

  My word.

• 55:36Speaker 02

  I was like, no. So I started freaking, I started freaking out at them. Not freaking out, I was like, ah. But then, so four days later, I had her. So I had her enough time to get back in and do the exams.

• 55:48Speaker 04

  Where was the baby when you were doing the exam?

• 55:52Speaker 02

  Yes, the baby, my little baby. I have, had my baby.

• 55:57Speaker 03

  Also, most people are juggling, I might miss that head and do if I'm pregnant then. You're trying to get an exam in.

• 56:02Speaker 02

  I wanna get that exam in, cause I wanna move on with my life.

• 56:05Speaker 04

  One exam?

• 56:06Speaker 02

  No.

• 56:06Speaker 03

  I wanna move on with my life.

• 56:08Speaker 02

  I want to, cause I don't want to be a grown up then still in school.

• 56:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 56:13Speaker 02

  Do you know what I mean? I was just like, oh no, this is too much. No, it's a load of exams. So you have two, you have two exams in English. Uh, you've like your Irish, basically everyone does.

• 56:25Speaker 04

  Is this equivalent of A levels?

• 56:27Speaker 02

  Yes. So you do six, seven subjects. Every, everyone does six, you take the marks from, but most people do seven.

• 56:34Speaker 04

  Right.

• 56:34Speaker 02

  So you have like your language, some, you might have like a science subject.

• 56:39Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 56:40Speaker 02

  You know, loads.

• 56:41Speaker 04

  And you're eighteen?

• 56:42Speaker 02

  You're eighteen. Yeah, yours is like seventeen, eighteen. I'm eighteen.

• 56:44Speaker 03

  So this, so this is so much you to sort of like deal with. Do you think, when your daughter, you know, who's older than that age now, she's twenty two. When you saw her eighteen, did it sort of give you these mad flashbacks of like, oh my god? Cause when you're eighteen, you feel like the old, cause you are the oldest you've ever been.

• 57:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 57:01Speaker 03

  You feel like you're old. If I wanna go back and do uni gigs and I see eighteen year olds, I thought they'll all be rowdy. They're not, they're scared little boys and girls.

• 57:08Speaker 02

  They're babies.

• 57:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:09Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 57:09Speaker 02

  Oh, real well, I tell you this. Not only when she's eighteen, yeah, she's in my old school.

• 57:17Speaker 02

  So she's in my old school, in the exact same uniform. She's got red hair as well. Loads of my teachers that I had then had her. I go back for a parent teacher meeting for the big year, you know, the exam year. And one of my old teachers says to me, they all know me, like, they all know me. Do you know what I mean? And they, they are all the people that saw the bump and then they're teaching this bump. And one of the teachers said to me, he's like, um, he's like, be honest with me. Did you cheat in that history test that time? I was like, am I getting slack? For stuff that, for homework I didn't hand in 22 years ago. I was like, are you for real?

• 57:58Speaker 04

  That's it for this episode of Parenting Hell.

• 58:08Speaker 01

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• 58:35Speaker 05

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