⚽ El Snapico: Jose Mourinho and the Real Madrid printer ⚽

This week we discuss the latest Jose Mourinho circus - including him bringing printed pictures of referee decisions to his post match press conference. Big news elsewhere as Andros Townsend somehow gets run over by a pitch steam roller?!? And is it too ealry to be Carrick out? Michael went to the game at Craven Cottage at the weekend and gives us his verdict. And Bill's upbeat approach to live as a Spurs fan gets tested... Enjoy! If you want to get in touch with the show you can; Email us: [email protected] And follow us on Instagram and Tiktok: @footballinghell FPL team -⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ join the Footballing / Parenting Hell mini league ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ LEAGUE CODE: 1a5fc7 Leave us a 5* review and subscribe to the podcast please. You know the score by now. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Footballing Hell ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠is a Spotify Podcast, new video episodes available everywhere every Monday (don't worry - it's business as usual on Tuesday and Friday with the usual Parenting Hell episodes) A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [email protected] (N) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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• 2:12Speaker 03

  Hello, welcome to Footballing How. We haven't got an intro. We haven't got an intro. We're still looking for an intro.

• 2:18Speaker 04

  We just sat there in silence, looking at each other going.

• 2:21Speaker 03

  How do we start?

• 2:22Speaker 04

  We haven't got an intro.

• 2:23Speaker 03

  Most people don't have that intro we have for Parenting How. That's a little bonus.

• 2:27Speaker 04

  That's a little bonus. So, but this is different. This is Footballing How. I'm just getting my notes up from the football. Josh, what shirt are you wearing? Let's go through that first. I don't know what that is.

• 2:34Speaker 03

  I'm wearing West Kirby United.

• 2:36Speaker 04

  West Kirby? I'm more of an East Kirby suck.

• 2:39Speaker 03

  I know.

• 2:40Speaker 04

  Who are West Kirby?

• 2:41Speaker 03

  So it's near Liverpool, but that, one of my musicians I like is Bill Ryder Jones, who sponsored them. So I bought it. Yeah, he's from West Kirby. And what are you wearing? Notts County?

• 2:52Speaker 04

  No, this is a Terengganu shirt. It's a Malaysian football team that I bought when I was in Malaysia filming Tempting Fortune that is on TV tomorrow night, nine o'clock, Channel 4.

• 3:05Speaker 03

  Oh my word. This guy knows what he's doing.

• 3:09Speaker 04

  This guy's on top of things.

• 3:10Speaker 03

  This guy's on top of things.

• 3:11Speaker 04

  I nearly wore my Ivory Coast shirt, but I thought, no, wait till international break next week.

• 3:16Speaker 03

  Well, I almost wore my Brazil, old Brazil shirt that I got when I did that thing where you go around the retro football shirt shop, classic football shirts.

• 3:25Speaker 04

  Oh, well, you did that shop that, that's with Ellis.

• 3:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:28Speaker 04

  Is it Ellis Platten?

• 3:29Speaker 03

  And I got it out today to wear it.

• 3:32Speaker 04

  Yep.

• 3:33Speaker 03

  And I realised it's still got the security tag in.

• 3:36Speaker 04

  Oh, so you can't wear it?

• 3:37Speaker 03

  Well, I could, but I'd have a security tag under my armpit.

• 3:39Speaker 04

  Oh, that's a shame.

• 3:41Speaker 03

  That is a shame.

• 3:42Speaker 04

  I'm just looking here at the Malaysian Super League.

• 3:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, of course you are.

• 3:45Speaker 04

  I think they finished their season.

• 3:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:49Speaker 04

  So Terengganu FC, which I'm wearing.

• 3:52Speaker 03

  You're beloved.

• 3:53Speaker 04

  Finished fifth.

• 3:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, European places.

• 3:55Speaker 04

  Fourth place was Kuala Lumpur City FC.

• 3:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:58Speaker 04

  You know, and then there was Selangor FC, Kuching City, you know, sort of.

• 4:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 4:04Speaker 04

  Normal, like football club names you'd have for Malaysian Super League. Do you know, finished in sixth.

• 4:10Speaker 03

  Who?

• 4:11Speaker 04

  Immigration FC.

• 4:14Speaker 04

  What the fuck is Immigration FC?

• 4:16Speaker 03

  That would be a great shirt to get. Immigration FC. You could burn it on one of your marches, Rob.

• 4:28Speaker 04

  The away colours are black, so I could wear all black with a hood up and a mask. Makes me feel sick, the people who do that. Anyway, the club was founded by the Immigration Department of Malaysia.

• 4:38Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 4:38Speaker 04

  But now they're called Star City FC, formerly known as Immigration Football Club. Yeah, Immigration Football Club's a mad name, isn't it?

• 4:45Speaker 03

  While we're on Asian football, I know we'll probably return to it.

• 4:50Speaker 04

  Do you know what, though? Asian football, I think, I think Asian covers too much.

• 4:55Speaker 03

  I stumbled on when I said that because I was like.

• 4:57Speaker 04

  You panicked?

• 4:58Speaker 03

  Is, have I got the right? I'm, I'm never sure.

• 5:01Speaker 04

  No, because it's like, you would, you would describe like Romesh as Asian, like British Asian, and then Phil Wang.

• 5:07Speaker 03

  No, I'd describe him as just Asian.

• 5:15Speaker 03

  But each to their own.

• 5:15Speaker 04

  Fair enough, fair enough. Each to their own, actually. Covers too much, Asia. And then Australasia.

• 5:20Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 5:21Speaker 04

  What does Asia mean?

• 5:22Speaker 03

  Well, Australasia is Australia and New Zealand.

• 5:24Speaker 04

  But why has it got Asia at the end?

• 5:26Speaker 03

  I don't know, Rob.

• 5:28Speaker 04

  Okay, let's, let's not get bogged down.

• 5:30Speaker 03

  But here we go. Here's a good question for you, actually, before I get onto my Asian football point. Which continents do you like to support in the World Cup? Because I really like, I do really like Japan and Korea.

• 5:43Speaker 04

  Just Europe and North America for me.

• 5:47Speaker 04

  And that's it.

• 5:50Speaker 04

  You're rolling the dice of Australasia. I don't really know what that encompasses.

• 5:56Speaker 04

  No, I love, I love any sort of underdog teams.

• 6:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:00Speaker 04

  I wanna love the South American teams, Argentina, but they hate us so much. It's quite hard.

• 6:05Speaker 03

  And Brazil are too big. Brazil are basically like supporting Man City, isn't it?

• 6:09Speaker 04

  I love supporting, was it Peru for Soul Arts and Alberto Solano?

• 6:14Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 6:14Speaker 04

  Is he Peruvian?

• 6:15Speaker 03

  Peru, yeah. And they've got a great shirt of a white shirt with just a red stripe across.

• 6:21Speaker 04

  Obviously Japan, South Korea. Would you support North Korea?

• 6:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, because I think it'd be funny.

• 6:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 6:29Speaker 03

  It's not the players' fault.

• 6:30Speaker 04

  I don't feel like, have, have North Korea got the up with Britain?

• 6:33Speaker 03

  I think with the least of their problems.

• 6:35Speaker 04

  There's something going on with North Korea, but I don't think it involves us.

• 6:38Speaker 03

  I don't think there's any point when Andy Burnham's gonna need a policy on North Korea. Do you know what I mean?

• 6:43Speaker 04

  Where's the best place to live, do you think, where there's zero ag?

• 6:48Speaker 03

  Well, you would have said.

• 6:48Speaker 04

  Australia's got to be up there, and you think it's so far away, and no one's got the up with Australia. Have they?

• 6:53Speaker 03

  But there's so many scary animals, you're basically at war with nature. You would have said like Denmark, but then suddenly they're gonna be invaded to lose Greenland. You're like, come on.

• 7:02Speaker 04

  So let's not get bogged down to who owns what.

• 7:05Speaker 03

  Faroe Islands?

• 7:06Speaker 04

  Where are the Faroe Islands?

• 7:08Speaker 03

  I don't know, but in the 90s, their goalie used to wear a bobble hat, which I always liked.

• 7:12Speaker 04

  Fair enough. Let's see.

• 7:13Speaker 03

  Here's my Asian football thing we need to talk about.

• 7:15Speaker 04

  Yeah, go on, sorry.

• 7:16Speaker 03

  Andros Townsend in Thailand.

• 7:18Speaker 04

  Oh, is this an Asian special?

• 7:19Speaker 03

  It is an Asian special, yeah.

• 7:21Speaker 04

  Lovely. Okay, let's talk about Andros Townsend in Thailand getting rolled over by a tarmac in machine.

• 7:30Speaker 04

  It's insane. I thought it was AI.

• 7:34Speaker 03

  It's so wild.

• 7:36Speaker 04

  I didn't even know Andros Townsend was in Thai football. I thought he was just eating raw steak, being a commentator, doing stretches, sculling back eggs.

• 7:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:46Speaker 04

  Then he's doing keep your uppies. And then also, the kid on the roller. Two things. The speed he's going at is mental. I didn't even know they went that fast.

• 7:57Speaker 03

  Is he going through from road to road? He needs to do one road on one side of the pitch and the other, so I'll just nip across the pitch. Because I've never seen a football pitch rolled.

• 8:06Speaker 04

  No, I mean, I imagine they do do it like in the preparation of the pitch, not during warm-up. They do have a whole week.

• 8:15Speaker 04

  You know what I mean? Like, what has happened the rest of that week?

• 8:20Speaker 03

  Because you get it in cricket, because they've got the wicket that's like so important that is flat and hard.

• 8:26Speaker 04

  Yeah, I mean, yeah.

• 8:27Speaker 03

  As lawn, essentially.

• 8:29Speaker 04

  You should do, you should cut it shorter.

• 8:31Speaker 03

  If it's not flat now, it's not, it's too late.

• 8:34Speaker 04

  But it's not, it's not great optics when the only non-Tai player is mowed down. If that, imagine if there was one Thai player in the English league and then an English boat just drove over him. Hit and run. Oh, isn't it? Faroe Islands is between Scotland and Iceland.

• 8:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:51Speaker 04

  So bobble, bobble hat zone.

• 8:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, real bobble hat zone.

• 8:54Speaker 04

  He said something funny about easier than, what was it? Is Townsend, Townsend said about that?

• 8:58Speaker 03

  He had previously put up a post of him like, I didn't know this, obviously. I, full disclosure, I don't follow Andros Townsend on the socials, not because I, not for any reason other than it hasn't come up.

• 9:10Speaker 04

  But he creeps into my algorithm.

• 9:12Speaker 03

  Does he?

• 9:12Speaker 04

  He does yoga and he eats mad raw food. Have you not seen his videos?

• 9:16Speaker 03

  But he, he also, he's, he's against sunglasses, isn't he?

• 9:20Speaker 04

  He's against sunglasses?

• 9:21Speaker 03

  Are you not aware of this?

• 9:23Speaker 04

  No.

• 9:23Speaker 03

  Andros Townsend doesn't believe in sunglasses.

• 9:27Speaker 04

  No. Why not? What, why?

• 9:30Speaker 03

  So he thinks that your eyes need to let in light to tell your skin that it's, your body will then react to the sun in the correct way. And so if you're wearing sunglasses.

• 9:46Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:46Speaker 03

  Your eyes aren't passing on the messages that it's sunny to your skin.

• 9:50Speaker 04

  I met Carl Froch in Dubai. And he was there at the same time as me, and he doesn't believe in sun cream.

• 9:56Speaker 03

  Yes, I know.

• 9:56Speaker 04

  He thinks sun cream gives you cancer.

• 9:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, which I'd say feels counterintuitive. I'd say, I'm gonna say it.

• 10:06Speaker 04

  Go.

• 10:06Speaker 03

  Of all the products, medical products I've used, sun cream is the one that I can feel works.

• 10:14Speaker 03

  You know what I mean?

• 10:15Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 10:16Speaker 03

  You, you, if you said to me toothpaste doesn't work, I'd go, well, I actually haven't.

• 10:19Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 10:20Speaker 03

  Done a ten, but sun cream, I know works.

• 10:24Speaker 04

  Well, it's like flat earthers. It's very easy to do a quick test. Basically put cream on half your face.

• 10:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:29Speaker 04

  But don't put cream on the other side and lay in the sun.

• 10:32Speaker 03

  But it can't be that they don't think it's stoppage turning. It must be something else. But anyway.

• 10:36Speaker 04

  Someone, someone that's spent 20 years getting punched in the head. Now, I'm very much aware. I don't want to start a beef with Carl Froch.

• 10:43Speaker 03

  No.

• 10:43Speaker 04

  Andros Townsend, I'll take my chances.

• 10:45Speaker 03

  I like Andros Townsend. He seems like a quirk. Do you know what I mean? He seems interesting, like more interesting than your average footballer.

• 10:52Speaker 04

  But how can you be scared of cream if you get punched in the head for a living? Sure, that's more dangerous than, anyway, side point. Andros Townsend, so eyes, this is what I was talking about. So have you seen the clip of Anthony Gordon arriving for training when it's sunny?

• 11:05Speaker 03

  No.

• 11:06Speaker 04

  Right. So basically blonde people, um, if you're really blonde and got the right gene, your, your eyes are weaker in the sun.

• 11:14Speaker 03

  All right.

• 11:14Speaker 04

  Cause of some sort of pigment thing, right?

• 11:17Speaker 03

  This is the anti Townsend view.

• 11:18Speaker 04

  Well.

• 11:19Speaker 03

  This is the opposite of Andros Townsend.

• 11:21Speaker 04

  Well, this is what an optician told me was that like your eyes are more sensitive to light if you have this pigment, if you're blonde and you're light skinned. Um, now my daughter's got it as well, so she really struggles and has to have sunglasses. But I'm just sending you this on Instagram, Josh. Are you on Instagram?

• 11:36Speaker 03

  I've deleted it for obvious reasons this week.

• 11:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, Instagram's not a place to be for the new presenters of anything.

• 11:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, for my own mental health, but I shouldn't be on Instagram for the next few weeks.

• 11:53Speaker 04

  If I send it to your WhatsApp, you might be able to open it anyway.

• 11:55Speaker 03

  Screen record, could you screen?

• 11:57Speaker 04

  Oh my God, I feel like I'm sending a clip to my fucking nanny. I tell you what, you FaceTime me, I'll FaceTime you on the iPad, then I'll show you the video. You might be able to just watch it without going on to like.

• 12:08Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 12:08Speaker 04

  So basically, um, I think Rafinha arrives at training and he's just walking through the sun, loving it. Anthony Gordon walks in and his eyes are burnt to a cinder.

• 12:17Speaker 03

  I can't look at it because it says people under 13 can't see this content.

• 12:21Speaker 04

  You can't see someone squinting in the sun. These, these under 13 year olds are too woke.

• 12:26Speaker 03

  You sent me, you absolute.

• 12:28Speaker 04

  You know what? I'm gonna have to screen record it, aren't I? I'm gonna have to do this live. I mean, I've explained what happens in it, but here we go. Ah, I just one, two, three, and screen record, just swipe up. Now just, I'm gonna have to let the video play out. Rafinha's walking along in the sun. All that's gonna happen is I'm gonna send this to you, go, oh yeah, he does squint, didn't he? But it's happened now. I, I thought we could keep the, the energy up with the.

• 12:50Speaker 03

  Sorry, sorry.

• 12:51Speaker 04

  No, no, it's fine. Look, it's, I think it's better for you to be off Instagram, I imagine, couldn't possibly tell you why, than to, um, be on it this week, just for an Anthony Gordon clip.

• 12:59Speaker 03

  Oh, Michael's done it.

• 13:01Speaker 04

  Oh, oh, how did you do that, Michael?

• 13:02Speaker 03

  Oh my God, oh my God. Why is it, what's happening? Why is it?

• 13:06Speaker 04

  Cause of the blonde pigment in his eyes.

• 13:09Speaker 03

  Why is he not wearing sunglasses?

• 13:10Speaker 04

  He's probably played with Andros Townsend and he's trying to make his skin react.

• 13:18Speaker 03

  The week before he moved to Barcelona from Newcastle, Andros said, this is gonna be big for your skin. Okay, I'm just telling you now. Don't pack his way bands, Anthony.

• 13:29Speaker 04

  There we go. Blonde people are more sensitive to sunlight because they typically have lower levels of melanin, the pigment that provides natural protection against ultraviolet radiation. There you go.

• 13:38Speaker 03

  Can we stick on Spanish football?

• 13:40Speaker 04

  Uh, yeah.

• 13:41Speaker 03

  Barcelona are good now. They've won six out of six.

• 13:44Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 13:44Speaker 03

  Real Madrid have already lost two, or they've won, no, they've won six, seven out of seven.

• 13:49Speaker 04

  Is Mourinho shit now?

• 13:50Speaker 03

  It's really funny, isn't it? He, he lost the Madrid Derby. Now, full disclosure, I didn't see it.

• 13:57Speaker 04

  I missed it too, but there was controversy, wasn't there?

• 14:00Speaker 03

  Yeah. So Madrid had a player sent off and then Mourinho came to the press conference and said, well, we don't need a press conference. This is all you need to know. And produced a printed piece of paper with two pictures on it. Have you seen this press conference?

• 14:15Speaker 04

  Yes, he's holding it up like a boomer trying to check in with a printed off boarding pass.

• 14:23Speaker 04

  Holding it up at the gate. I've got it on A4.

• 14:28Speaker 04

  Stand me.

• 14:29Speaker 03

  I don't think a picture, unless it's maybe of a handball, I don't know what the incidents were actually.

• 14:36Speaker 04

  Foul, I think.

• 14:37Speaker 03

  Contend whether something's a foul.

• 14:39Speaker 04

  But you've taken away all the context of a tackle if it's still.

• 14:41Speaker 03

  And also there was two pictures on one A4. He didn't do two, he did two pictures on one A4. You know, like when you, you've got a Word doc and you add, add the two pictures and you kind of align them.

• 14:51Speaker 04

  You think he's done that himself or told someone to print that off?

• 14:54Speaker 03

  And have they used the Atletico Madrid printing facilities or do they bring their own printer in case of this situation?

• 15:00Speaker 04

  I think they've got to be travelling with their printer. Or that, is it away there? Well, what, someone could, is that?

• 15:05Speaker 03

  It's an away game. I mean, they could have gone back to the Bernabeu.

• 15:08Speaker 04

  Someone's nipped back across town to the Bernabeu. Sorry guys, gonna nip back to the Santiago Bernabeu because I've, I've got to jump on the HP printer.

• 15:18Speaker 03

  When you're the Real Madrid away, you're not setting up a printer. It's difficult enough in your own house, let alone in the dressing room.

• 15:25Speaker 04

  Well, with the advancement of printers, you could potentially print that off from Atletico Madrid stadium and then get a personal assistant to bring it over.

• 15:34Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, that's what you might have done.

• 15:35Speaker 04

  To save time.

• 15:36Speaker 03

  He might live near. I don't know where, I don't, if you live in Madrid, could you answer what the geography of it is?

• 15:42Speaker 04

  Well, Josh, we can do that now. You keep talking, I'll Google it. Or Michael, can you, can you find out how far away the, uh, two stadiums are, please?

• 15:49Speaker 03

  Here's a question, because he's not finished, he's got to the end of the match, right? So how long is there between the end of the match and the press conference or during the match, as he said?

• 15:58Speaker 04

  Half an hour, 40 minutes, you reckon?

• 15:59Speaker 03

  Or has he bought himself some time and 70 minutes into the match, he said, I'm gonna need someone to print out.

• 16:04Speaker 04

  I'm printing it off, I'm gonna use it in the press conference. Now, go. We've still got half an hour left. I don't care. I'm one of the subs. I don't mind. I don't care. Fuck off, whoever you are.

• 16:13Speaker 03

  He's gonna warm up, but he runs down the touchline and just keeps running.

• 16:17Speaker 04

  Sub off Mbappe, he's quick, he can run back. Get Cucurella on a Vespa, now.

• 16:25Speaker 04

  Vamos Cucurella on his Vespa, bit of paper flapping in the wind. Also, he looks so sad at this press conference, Mourinho. I mean, this guy has done it all. Worth probably a hundred million pound. Fucking hell, what a, he can't be enjoying life. Look at him.

• 16:43Speaker 03

  Stop.

• 16:43Speaker 04

  He looks like someone looking for a missing dog.

• 16:46Speaker 03

  Delete Instagram, Jose. It's not doing you any good.

• 16:49Speaker 05

  It's, it's an 18 minute drive apparently.

• 16:51Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 16:52Speaker 03

  Even on a match day though, because you're going against.

• 16:55Speaker 05

  I was gonna say 40 minutes on match.

• 16:56Speaker 04

  Yeah, he's dragged out the, the chat in the dressing room and then someone's gone there. But that's.

• 17:00Speaker 03

  No, because they'll be somewhere already at the Bernabeu. It's not like empty on a match.

• 17:03Speaker 04

  Michael, Google if there's a snappy snaps next to the stadium, because someone could have gone there.

• 17:09Speaker 03

  What do you think, Michael? Do you think they've got their own printer or do you think they?

• 17:12Speaker 05

  I think they've said to someone, low level at Atletico Madrid, oh, would you mind printing this out for me? But that person has no idea what's happening. They haven't.

• 17:20Speaker 04

  I think they travel.

• 17:20Speaker 05

  No, they haven't travelled. Like, it would be a nightmare.

• 17:23Speaker 04

  They will travel with a printer, a hundred percent. My tour manager used to travel with a printer. I never asked him to print off anything in my life, but he always had it with him.

• 17:30Speaker 03

  You'd always at the end of part, start of part two, you'd come out with a picture of two people not laughing. You two.

• 17:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 17:36Speaker 03

  I need, I'm not starting the second half. This is the problem. This woman in C4 and this man in H8.

• 17:44Speaker 04

  And you here, look, in J7, your Apple watch is reflected on your face and it's distracting. Please put it into theatre mode.

• 17:53Speaker 04

  Right, let's carry on. I find athletes embarrassing. You know, these people that really want to win. Oh God, it's draining. Fucking hell.

• 18:01Speaker 03

  Really tiring, isn't it?

• 18:02Speaker 04

  Grow up.

• 18:03Speaker 05

  There is a sort of Spanish snappy snaps about seven minutes from the stadium.

• 18:07Speaker 04

  There we go, there we go.

• 18:09Speaker 03

  But wait a minute, they were playing on a Sunday evening, Michael. Could you check its opening hours?

• 18:16Speaker 04

  What's, what's a Spanish snappy snaps called?

• 18:18Speaker 03

  Do you know what they should call this match, Rob? El Snapico.

• 18:24Speaker 05

  It's called Fo- Photo Cuado, Photo Quad.

• 18:27Speaker 04

  Photo Cuado, big up.

• 18:29Speaker 03

  Could you just check his opening hours?

• 18:30Speaker 04

  Yeah, so I don't, can't see him being open on a Sunday, not on a match day, but.

• 18:33Speaker 03

  But then you've got, they've got a lot of footfall.

• 18:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 18:36Speaker 03

  It's worth opening if you've got the Madrid Derby, although you might be worried about people smashing up your window, particularly after, if they think, if the Atletico Madrid fans think you're Jose's printer.

• 18:46Speaker 05

  Looks like it's closed all day Sunday.

• 18:48Speaker 03

  Oh.

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  He must have broken in. Check any burglary reports.

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  Sorry.

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• 20:28Speaker 07

  Blowing ad budget on metrics that look great till the CFO sees them, that's bull spend and marketers are calling it out in Dashboard Confessions.

• 20:38Speaker 02

  I remember telling my boss, it'll be good for the brand when leads were slow. Yeah, it, it wasn't.

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• 21:03Speaker 04

  Before we go into Premier League, I tried to check my fantasy Premier League.

• 21:06Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, how am I doing?

• 21:07Speaker 04

  Well, it's logged me out and I don't know what my login is.

• 21:10Speaker 03

  Michael, how are we all doing?

• 21:11Speaker 04

  You login.

• 21:12Speaker 03

  I haven't got that much internet. How much? So when they get to a ground.

• 21:16Speaker 04

  Go.

• 21:17Speaker 03

  So when I was at Argavie Extra, when I was sat behind Neil Warnock. Did I tell you I was in front of the two Plymouth guys with iPads that were talking about tactics and stats and looking at stuff on iPads?

• 21:31Speaker 04

  No, go on.

• 21:32Speaker 03

  And it was really fascinating to hear.

• 21:35Speaker 04

  What were they saying?

• 21:36Speaker 03

  They had a coach that they were radioing to. So they weren't radioing directly to Tom Cleverly.

• 21:42Speaker 04

  No.

• 21:42Speaker 03

  They were.

• 21:43Speaker 04

  Tom Cleverly.

• 21:44Speaker 03

  But.

• 21:44Speaker 04

  That just makes me laugh that Tom Cleverly is your coach. What they've doing, go, yeah, we've worked it out. Basically, what we need them to do, they can't do because they're shitting in League One, so just sort of lump it up there and hope for the best.

• 21:54Speaker 03

  We're third.

• 21:55Speaker 04

  In League One?

• 21:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:57Speaker 04

  Fair enough.

• 21:57Speaker 03

  But it does, when you get to a ground, do you think you have like a setup where you've got all your computers and you've got, you know, like.

• 22:04Speaker 04

  Hundred percent a printer in Mourinho's Teams bag. A hundred percent a printer. And because also they print out Teams and stuff like that, they can put up in the dressing room.

• 22:14Speaker 03

  Yeah. And also you want to print out, you know, and my, one of my favourite things managers do, and I hope, I hope it is real. Put that on the dressing room wall. Put those quotes on the dressing room wall. I love it. If I was that manager, I'd be doing that all the time.

• 22:29Speaker 04

  Do you know what? Do you know they used to like overly water the pitch or turn the heating up in the dressing room as old school tactics? I think new tactics should be give the away team a shit internet connection.

• 22:41Speaker 04

  Like go, oh yeah, you can have the wifi. Don't worry. And it's like crap. Yeah, you've got to plug it in. It's a 56K modem. Just stick that in. You'll be all right, mate. You're not allowed to go in it after six when it's free. Because otherwise, why give them, unless they're travelling with their own, their own G, their own 5G?

• 22:57Speaker 03

  How does it work? Because they've got those players have got things on, right? That are constantly feeding.

• 23:02Speaker 04

  I couldn't. Those little bras. Too much. How can you concentrate playing in the Premier League with a crop top on that tight? It looks horribly uncomfortable.

• 23:12Speaker 03

  I think I'd rather have my dick out. I honestly do.

• 23:15Speaker 04

  Look, because as a heavy chested man, okay?

• 23:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, but you wouldn't be if you were playing at the Premier League.

• 23:19Speaker 04

  Yeah, I know I wouldn't be, but even, I think, I just feel like I've got a bra on and it's really, I can't get my, my confidence is through the floor.

• 23:27Speaker 03

  Well, I'd get, I tell you the problem I'd get because I've got a concave chest.

• 23:32Speaker 04

  Yeah. How did you get that? Have you always had that? Or was it just?

• 23:34Speaker 03

  I've always had that, yeah.

• 23:35Speaker 04

  It looks like a big punch from a superhero.

• 23:37Speaker 03

  I was run over by a steamroller in Thailand. The bra would go over the concave. So anything attached to the centre of my chest.

• 23:44Speaker 04

  Would just bounce around.

• 23:45Speaker 03

  Bouncing around, yeah. I don't know where, I don't know where they attach their reader.

• 23:49Speaker 04

  I've got a similar problem, but I've got a concave of my own making from Lager, where my tits have got bigger. So there's a nice gap.

• 23:57Speaker 03

  Why do they need a bra? Because.

• 23:59Speaker 04

  Can't they just put it in their sock or something?

• 24:01Speaker 03

  When I go on TV, I have a, we have a bigger thing. I know they're going, they're doing more movement.

• 24:07Speaker 04

  I don't know. I saw you on Strictly, mate. Those hips are getting thrown around like a left winger.

• 24:10Speaker 03

  You don't have your pack.

• 24:12Speaker 04

  On your tits.

• 24:13Speaker 03

  You don't have to wear a bra.

• 24:14Speaker 04

  Yeah. Also as well, I'm trying to make us not look like old men here. The problem's not wearing a bra.

• 24:20Speaker 03

  No, no, no, no, no.

• 24:21Speaker 04

  An incredibly tight bit of elastic around your chest while you're doing sport.

• 24:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly.

• 24:25Speaker 04

  But they monitor how far they've run and if they're tired, if they should come off. Because I think it's all done on an equation. That's why I'm, and I, do you know what? I think it is used by managers and coaches as a bit of, well, it's not my, they sort of go, okay, let's adopt this system. So that when they sub someone, they've got something to blame, which is the equation. So that when they go, why did you take them off? Go, well, I had to because it said his, he was in the stress zone or whatever it tells you.

• 24:49Speaker 03

  Do you watch cricket? You don't watch cricket, Rob. Are you aware this happens?

• 24:52Speaker 04

  There's no stress zone in cricket.

• 24:54Speaker 03

  But no, well, this is the exact opposite. Sometimes when you're watching like The Hundred or something, not like a test, but like someone who's fielding will be mic'd up with an earpiece in and they'll interview them.

• 25:08Speaker 04

  As they're fielding.

• 25:09Speaker 03

  As they're fielding. It's the exact opposite. So they'll be like.

• 25:14Speaker 04

  In an actual game, not a charity game.

• 25:15Speaker 03

  During the game.

• 25:17Speaker 04

  No.

• 25:17Speaker 03

  They'll be interviewing and then it'll be like, you know, you'd be fielding. They wouldn't be like the, the wicket keeper on the slip. They'd be a third man or whatever and they'd go, how do you think it's going? And they'd be like, well, we just, you know, those early wickets were good and we're just trying to keep the run rate down. And then they kind of stop because their ball would come and then they'd go. And so actually, you know, I think the change of bowler will, will help or whatever.

• 25:43Speaker 04

  I would love that in football.

• 25:44Speaker 03

  That'd be great, wouldn't it?

• 25:45Speaker 04

  I quite like Ref Cam. It's like Blair Witch.

• 25:47Speaker 03

  Oh, it's so weird, Ref Cam, isn't it?

• 25:49Speaker 04

  I love Ref Cam.

• 25:50Speaker 03

  I want to see it during the, during the half time. That's what I want to see Ref Cam.

• 25:54Speaker 04

  Oh, imagine all sat there with those little sandwiches going, we did well, didn't we?

• 25:59Speaker 04

  We did really, I mean, I don't like ref bashing, but to want to be a ref, it's like wanting to be a politician. There's got to be something wrong with you. Some sort of thing happened to you where now you crave power and responsibility and nothing will hold you back from being in charge.

• 26:15Speaker 03

  Clattenburg.

• 26:16Speaker 04

  What about Clattenburg?

• 26:17Speaker 03

  Are you aware of?

• 26:18Speaker 04

  I worked with him on Gladiators.

• 26:20Speaker 03

  Of course you have. Yeah. He's got a tattoo, hasn't he of?

• 26:23Speaker 04

  He strikes me of, I'm one of the boys. And you're like, no, you're not. You're a ref.

• 26:28Speaker 03

  Do you know what I should ask? You know, I'm, I'm pals with Darren Can.

• 26:35Speaker 04

  Who?

• 26:38Speaker 03

  He was Howard Webb's assistant.

• 26:41Speaker 04

  So these are your new showbiz mates now you're on Strictly?

• 26:46Speaker 04

  Oh, you've changed.

• 26:47Speaker 03

  Falling out of the Met Ball with Darren Can.

• 26:49Speaker 04

  Robbing shoulders, falling out of the PGMOOL canteen with Howard Can. What's his name?

• 26:55Speaker 03

  Darren Can. Sorry. He comes to see me on tour. He's a, he's a Joshua Lickham mega fan.

• 27:00Speaker 04

  I love him.

• 27:00Speaker 03

  He is the guy that does the, he sits with the pundits on Match of the Day.

• 27:06Speaker 04

  Oh, okay, yeah.

• 27:07Speaker 03

  Like talks to them.

• 27:08Speaker 04

  And just basically lies and backs up all his mates whilst the pundits lie and back up all the mates.

• 27:13Speaker 03

  There we go. There we go.

• 27:14Speaker 04

  I think Michael Carrick needs more time. I think the refs made a really good decision. Stop wanking each other off and tell us the truth. You big green screen bastards.

• 27:24Speaker 04

  You're all tired and sad in Manchester. You've been there 14 hours.

• 27:29Speaker 03

  Can we get on to Michael Carrick?

• 27:32Speaker 04

  Again, let's save the Spurs bashing until later on because it is hilarious. I don't want to do it. Arsenal lost as well. So, you know, fair.

• 27:39Speaker 03

  Did we go too early when we decided Arsenal were going to win the league the Friday night of the first weekend?

• 27:44Speaker 04

  Absolutely not. Everyone has a bad day at the office. Brighton are a good side, but apparently Arsenal were dog shit. Absolute dog shit.

• 27:51Speaker 03

  What do you think of those Brighton shirts?

• 27:53Speaker 04

  I like them. It's nice.

• 27:54Speaker 03

  I like, I like an anniversary shirt.

• 27:56Speaker 04

  Why don't you get one for Rose?

• 27:58Speaker 03

  It is our anniversary today.

• 27:59Speaker 04

  Is it?

• 28:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, seven years.

• 28:02Speaker 04

  What are you going to get her?

• 28:03Speaker 03

  We're going for dinner tonight.

• 28:04Speaker 04

  No, have you bought her anything?

• 28:06Speaker 03

  Well, can I be honest? It's been quite a stressful week for both of us, which we'll cover.

• 28:10Speaker 04

  In parenting hell.

• 28:12Speaker 03

  Okay. I got her a card, but I forgot to write in it and she forgot to get me a card.

• 28:16Speaker 04

  Fucking hell. Well, yeah, there's a lot's gone on this week then, isn't it? That's like the story of two people in an old people's home at 87.

• 28:24Speaker 03

  We'll cover it.

• 28:25Speaker 04

  We both tried.

• 28:26Speaker 03

  We'll cover it in parenting hell.

• 28:29Speaker 04

  Right. So what we're talking about.

• 28:30Speaker 03

  Can I say where I think I am with Michael Carrick?

• 28:33Speaker 04

  Well, we're talking about Darren Can for a little bit. You're just, you're just friends with him.

• 28:35Speaker 03

  But we've moved into Michael Carrick. No, but if we ever need to talk to a ref, I've got Darren Can on speed dial.

• 28:41Speaker 04

  I didn't watch any football on Sunday. I watched Tottenham on Saturday.

• 28:45Speaker 03

  Manchester United v Fulham second half.

• 28:47Speaker 04

  I avoided Match of the Day because, so this is my problem with football, right?

• 28:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:51Speaker 04

  When Arsenal win, I'll watch Match of the Day.

• 28:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, of course.

• 28:55Speaker 04

  If Tottenham or Man United or Chelsea lose, I'll watch Match of the Day. If Arsenal lose and then Man City and like teams that I don't like win, I just don't watch Match of the Day. So.

• 29:05Speaker 03

  I can't believe people that watch highlights of games that didn't go the way they wanted.

• 29:09Speaker 04

  Oh, it's insane. I don't know. Yeah, we lost, let's just forget about it and move on.

• 29:13Speaker 03

  You might as well, you know, read a bad review. Do you know what I mean? Of yourself.

• 29:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 29:17Speaker 03

  I don't know where that's come from in my head.

• 29:19Speaker 04

  We're covering, we'll cover that in parenting hell.

• 29:21Speaker 03

  We'll cover that in parenting, yeah.

• 29:23Speaker 04

  Let's go back to Michael Carrick.

• 29:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, let's go back to Michael Carrick, a man who, to be fair, is getting the, the press I imagined I'd get.

• 29:31Speaker 03

  Michael Carrick would be going, this is unbelievable. Oh good, this is gone.

• 29:36Speaker 04

  Let's have a look at the league then. So Michael Carrick, apparently they were terrible and then got really lucky with a, with a win. Is that right?

• 29:42Speaker 03

  Gary Neville said the 15 minutes before Fulham scored.

• 29:46Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 29:47Speaker 03

  Was the worst he's seen Manchester United play since he started supporting them at the age of five.

• 29:52Speaker 04

  Man, I mean, and he's saying that about a mate. Can you imagine, imagine if I said, look, I watched, I watched Ramesh on Weekly's link. The first five questions were the worst display of quiz mastery I've seen since I was five years. Ramesh would ring me going, what the fuck are you on, mate? Shut up. Who can't fucking leave me alone, you nutcase? What is wrong with you? You're insane. I know it's football, it's a quiz, it's work, but I'm your mate.

• 30:27Speaker 03

  Well, this is my theory. Well, I don't know this.

• 30:31Speaker 04

  They're not mates.

• 30:32Speaker 03

  I think what's clear is that Gary Neville was definitely closer to Ollie Ginnis' old skill than Michael Carrick. I think.

• 30:41Speaker 03

  I think that is coming out. I'm not saying they're not mates, but he's not got, I think with Solzhenko, they were like really close, weren't they?

• 30:49Speaker 04

  So that's like me having to go Ed Gamble.

• 30:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly.

• 30:52Speaker 04

  Yeah, I know him, but he's not, you know.

• 30:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. How much did they cross over, Michael? Was Neville in that? I don't think he was. He wasn't in that team that won the Champions League in 2009, was he?

• 31:03Speaker 04

  No.

• 31:03Speaker 03

  No. So that's the team I imagine Carrick being in.

• 31:07Speaker 04

  He's not won the Champions League twice.

• 31:08Speaker 05

  Neville did win the Champions League twice. He was in that team.

• 31:11Speaker 04

  Fuck! Respect. Take that back. Fair play, Artie. Well done, Gina. Carrick, how was it? Is it bad?

• 31:19Speaker 03

  This is my thing with Carrick. And I've realised, this is the third time I've lived this. I did it with Solzhenko and I did it with, what's the Portuguese guys, Amarin?

• 31:30Speaker 04

  Ralph Ragnick? Well, he was fun. I liked him for a bit.

• 31:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, I liked him. I liked him.

• 31:34Speaker 04

  He reminded me of someone that would pick your mate's dad that would pick you up from a night out.

• 31:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:41Speaker 04

  Oh, he's nice, isn't he? I'll get him, boys. Wanna go drive through McDonald's? Yeah, a bit of fun.

• 31:45Speaker 03

  I invented pressing. What?

• 31:48Speaker 04

  Oh, this is mad bastard.

• 31:49Speaker 03

  When Man U equalised, and I say this as someone who, I don't like Man U because I grew up and they won everything, right? I've reached that point where I was quite relieved they equalised.

• 31:59Speaker 04

  Because it drags it out.

• 32:01Speaker 03

  Because it drags it out. And the same with Solzhenko and I had the same with Amarin. I just want them to get the odd win. I don't want them to keep losing because I fear them. I don't want them to sack him.

• 32:13Speaker 04

  You sort of want lose, draw, lose, draw, lose, draw. So they slip down the table, but they're going to stay in to keep the drama going.

• 32:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:21Speaker 04

  With Dzerbi, the fun could be over too soon.

• 32:25Speaker 03

  I know, exactly. We need a couple of Spurs wins. Michael, how are you feeling about Man U?

• 32:30Speaker 05

  Well, I went to that game.

• 32:32Speaker 03

  Fulham Man U?

• 32:33Speaker 05

  Yeah, I went to the game yesterday.

• 32:34Speaker 03

  Was it the worst 15 minutes of Man U you've ever seen?

• 32:38Speaker 05

  It was pretty bad. Like, we were really, really poor. Not to sort of drift into tactical analysis, but...

• 32:45Speaker 04

  Come on, give it to me.

• 32:46Speaker 05

  Well, I was coming back from visiting the in-laws in Birmingham and there was no trains to Euston, so I had to go to Marybone and I was like, oh, it's Fulham.

• 32:52Speaker 04

  I meant the tactics for the game, not your journey.

• 32:56Speaker 03

  This is our tactical analysis, Michael, to go to Marybone. I'm not, I'm sorry, I didn't realise we'd booked Jonathan Wilson. What's going on here, Michael?

• 33:04Speaker 04

  Francis Bourgeois, mate. I don't care about the trains. Let's talk football.

• 33:07Speaker 05

  Yeah, I was going to write a book on inverting Chiltern Railways. Because I've never been to Craven Cottage, I thought, oh, I'll go to the game and then when we chat about it tomorrow.

• 33:15Speaker 03

  Lovely Craven Cottage.

• 33:16Speaker 05

  Oh, it's lovely. Absolutely beautiful.

• 33:18Speaker 04

  I've never been actually. Is it good?

• 33:19Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's great. On the river, you're right on the river, like sunset over London, tidal mania.

• 33:24Speaker 04

  I might support them. I might move there and support them.

• 33:26Speaker 05

  We were absolutely dreadful. Like, just zero ideas. Like, we were so poor and so lucky. But I had to sit in the home end because I couldn't get tickets in the way end. So I was sort of a covert Man United fan. And Fulham don't really have a reputation as a militant club, but I saw three different sets of Manchester United fans be removed from the home stand. One of them was a family with two young kids because they were just not allowed, you're not allowed to be in the home end with the home fans. So I then had to become a covert Fulham fan. So when Man United conceded that own goal, I had to clap my own team scoring. It's such a weird sensation. It's sort of like muted, like.

• 34:03Speaker 03

  Did you vocalise it? Because I don't think clapping's enough. If I'm a Fulham fan and we.

• 34:08Speaker 05

  I stood up and I clapped.

• 34:10Speaker 03

  You stood up and you, yeah, because I think if I'm a Fulham fan, we haven't won this season, we've scored against Man United, that would be at least a, come on!

• 34:20Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:20Speaker 03

  Come on, you Lily Whites, or whatever they're called.

• 34:23Speaker 04

  Show us what you did, Michael. The goal goes in and then how did you react?

• 34:27Speaker 05

  I stood up, but I was sort of late standing up because I realised, obviously, it's not my muscle memory to go cheer the opposing team. And I just clapped and sort of nodded approvingly. And then when Manchester United scored an incredibly lucky goal, I just shook my head sort of performatively. Oh, God, terrible.

• 34:44Speaker 03

  But was that part of that was you thinking, oh, God, you can live that because you're like, actually, that's bad for Manchester United, the football club that we scored there? Because that's another three weeks of this hell.

• 34:55Speaker 05

  I was on that meta. I was sort of living, I was in survival mode. I was just trying to not get kicked out of the game.

• 35:00Speaker 04

  No one's an actual Fulham fan, are they? They're just rich people that live nearby, aren't they?

• 35:03Speaker 05

  It was 100% that.

• 35:04Speaker 03

  Richard Osman, isn't it?

• 35:06Speaker 05

  Well, it was.

• 35:06Speaker 03

  Rich Osman and Lily Allen are the famous Fulham fans.

• 35:09Speaker 05

  Lot of Egyptians, a lot of sort of.

• 35:12Speaker 03

  What, because of Mohamed Al Fayed?

• 35:13Speaker 05

  Well, that's what I wondered. I didn't chat to them because I didn't want to expose myself, but around me, it was that there were a lot of Egyptians.

• 35:20Speaker 04

  How did you know they were Egyptian?

• 35:21Speaker 05

  Because I speak Egyptian.

• 35:23Speaker 04

  Do you?

• 35:24Speaker 05

  No.

• 35:26Speaker 03

  Why? How did you know they were Egyptian?

• 35:28Speaker 04

  The way they walks up the stairs.

• 35:33Speaker 04

  Wow, they really do, all that, yeah. Barney! Thought it was just a song.

• 35:40Speaker 03

  That's why Mo Salah was always running because if he broke into a wall.

• 35:50Speaker 04

  Or keep it at a jog so you can maintain balance.

• 35:59Speaker 02

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• 36:26Speaker 07

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• 36:36Speaker 02

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• 36:58Speaker 07

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• 37:29Speaker 03

  Rob, we've got to phone Bill, haven't we?

• 37:31Speaker 04

  Yeah, I've got, so basically.

• 37:32Speaker 03

  People love Bill, the Tottenham fan.

• 37:34Speaker 04

  Okay, so Tottenham lost 3-2. They scored their first time in the Premier League, but they'd given up the game by then, Villa. But let's ring Bill. Because I keep thinking, oh, the international, what do you think about this, Michael? Everyone sort of says, oh, the international break's coming. That'll be good because then they can get a handle on the team. But then I'd sort of think, well.

• 37:50Speaker 03

  What does that mean?

• 37:51Speaker 04

  You can't know because.

• 37:52Speaker 03

  They're all away.

• 37:53Speaker 04

  They've all left to go and play for, in some cases, in a better team with a better manager.

• 37:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:59Speaker 04

  So that's not going to help, is it, to go back to a worse team with a worse manager?

• 38:02Speaker 03

  They're all in a situation where you haven't really got control of them. So they could quite easily be like texting each other, going, this guy's a fucking child. Like, do you know what I mean? There's no way. You've lost control.

• 38:15Speaker 04

  Someone like Mickey Van de Ven, who I think is a brilliant player, he's definitely going to want to leave at some point if this 17th position keeps going. There'll be all his teammates in his ear and his agent can meet up with him and organise, like, here's a plan to get out.

• 38:27Speaker 03

  If you think of the Man U team that he's going to, you know, turn around during the international break, presumably, Lamens, he's off, right? He's got Luke Shaw, he can stay. Or is he in the England squad? Maguire's staying. Beyond that, Martinez will be at Argentina. All those midfielders are playing for their countries. Those three attackers are playing for their countries. You've literally got Harry Maguire.

• 38:53Speaker 04

  Oh, God, and he's aggy. He's getting aggy in his old age, isn't he? You know, it used to be a bit of a laugh when he played for England. Now he's right, angry boy. He's always kicking off. I just sort of think as well, no one needs the international break at this stage. I don't want to see international football anymore, not for a good six months. And the players, we don't want to get injured to start the season. Anyway, let's ring, should we ring Bill? What do you think to Tottenham?

• 39:12Speaker 03

  He must be waiting for this. He must be waiting for this. I think we need to buy Bill a proper mic.

• 39:18Speaker 04

  Yeah, we need to get him so you can ask him questions as well. I think he might duck out this one. He was in a really low place when I messaged him on Saturday. He's just looking at his phone. Oh.

• 39:31Speaker 01

  Hello?

• 39:32Speaker 04

  Hello, Bill. It's Rob and Josh. Oh, yeah.

• 39:35Speaker 01

  Hi, Rob. And Josh. Um, how are you?

• 39:40Speaker 03

  Can you tell him, can you just boost it by saying, we're getting incredible feedback?

• 39:44Speaker 04

  Bill, people love you on this, by the way. People love you as a person. They love your laugh. They love your positivity. They love, you've got good knowledge about football when you said that Arsenal players run more, stuff like that, which I'm not taking a piss, actually does happen.

• 39:57Speaker 03

  Rob's agent messaged us to say how good Bill was. So if he's looking for representation.

• 40:03Speaker 04

  We can get you a mic if you want and you can just ring him properly.

• 40:08Speaker 01

  Right. How am I feeling about Spurs, yeah?

• 40:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, basically. Come on.

• 40:12Speaker 01

  It's as bad as, I mean, the only bit worse from my memory is 2.8 games. Remember then Harry Redknapp came in and we were.

• 40:22Speaker 04

  Was that Juan Ramos left?

• 40:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, we won the Carling Cup.

• 40:26Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 40:27Speaker 01

  He got 2.8 games and we were bottom. And we're rock bottom now.

• 40:33Speaker 04

  Are you bottom of the league now?

• 40:34Speaker 03

  No, you're not, are you?

• 40:36Speaker 01

  The thing is with this, right?

• 40:37Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 40:38Speaker 01

  And you know this, it's a bit of where it's like, oh my God, I'm worried now. It's just in us.

• 40:43Speaker 04

  They're bottom. You're bottom of the league. They're bottom.

• 40:46Speaker 01

  Bottom, yeah, because Fulham drew.

• 40:48Speaker 04

  Because Fulham drew.

• 40:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, we are rock bottom. We're no one's worst.

• 40:53Speaker 04

  Coventry won as well.

• 40:55Speaker 01

  Yeah. So we, we're the worst team in the league. We spent over £300 million. That's what, that's, do you know what? I'll say something, which I know you said you wouldn't like me because of my positivity, but the worry.

• 41:07Speaker 05

  Is there's so many people usually, you know, when your team's not doing well.

• 41:11Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 41:11Speaker 05

  Your, your fans, I mean, you know, the problem, we need a new striker, it's a striker, it's the manager, it's the left back, they know the problem. Most people go like, what, where do we go from here? Most people are just going, I don't know what the, I don't know what the problem is now, because it used to be our owners didn't spend any money. We've spent loads of money.

• 41:29Speaker 04

  You know what it's like, Bill, it's a bit.

• 41:30Speaker 05

  We're worse.

• 41:31Speaker 04

  But it's like, you know, like when someone's ill a lot and they can't work out what it is. And then it takes two years of different doctors and, and it comes back and it's basically like Lyme disease when you've been bitten by a tick and they've actually then they've got to work backwards from that to work out what's gone on. It feels like it's, you can't really diagnose what it is.

• 41:49Speaker 05

  We need a specialist, we need someone who is a specialist.

• 41:52Speaker 03

  What would happen is they'd go, if you went to the doctor in that situation, have you made any big lifestyle changes in the last couple of years? Is it the ground?

• 42:00Speaker 04

  Is it the ground, Bill?

• 42:02Speaker 03

  I, I watched an interview with Robert Green, um, on, because my algorithm is such. And he said he loved going to the Emirates because it was so nice. And so you've got the nicest ground. So is it a joy for teams to come?

• 42:16Speaker 05

  No, no, because it's really, it is a good ground. I'll tell you a story once, right? And I think, oh, I don't know, maybe, but we, you know what, there's something we've done this year. We've actually made the away dressing room worse. So basically both dressing rooms were really nice.

• 42:34Speaker 04

  Would you put some of your players in then?

• 42:39Speaker 03

  That's, that's the joke of the day.

• 42:44Speaker 04

  Fucking Mamouche, you're saying it. We ain't got a player, have we?

• 42:49Speaker 05

  And, and well, look, we made that worse. But then there was this one, it is a really nice, do you know, I remember one time I was at this game. We were two nil, it was Wolves, we were two nil down at half time. And so then I, and I was like, I can't go back out, I don't want to go in there. So then I went to the brewery in the pizzeria. And it was really not, I was actually, I was like, that was a far better top, you know, footballing experience. I was like, and it was actually, it was a really nice kind of, and yet they're. I, maybe.

• 43:16Speaker 03

  Can I ask about, can I just ask about making the away dressing room worse? Because we were discussing. We were literally discussing teams doing that earlier. What does he mean they've made the away dressing room worse? And do, does he think the away team gets a printer?

• 43:28Speaker 04

  What have they done to make the away dressing room worse, Bill?

• 43:31Speaker 05

  Google it. I can't explain it really. It's just sort of like a bit more basic. You know, the modern ones are really nice.

• 43:37Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 43:37Speaker 05

  Room. You know, it just made it really basic, like, and I think they put like a, I always remember, like, you always put a table in the middle of the room. That's bad for like.

• 43:47Speaker 03

  Is it?

• 43:47Speaker 05

  Bad for teams. I don't know why a table in the middle of the room is bad for teams, but I think that is bad for talking to people, with a table in the middle.

• 43:55Speaker 04

  All right. So you've, so you're bottom of the league, so you've put a table in the middle of the away dressing room?

• 44:00Speaker 04

  And do you reckon, well, this is a side point, because Mourinho was printing off pictures. Do you reckon they have a printer in there? Or do you reckon they bring their own printer?

• 44:09Speaker 05

  Do you know, Rob, the thing is, right, you know, we're in a, I know, you know, Josh knows this, but we're in a group called NBA.

• 44:16Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 44:16Speaker 05

  Basically, and it's this thing where usually when your team's not doing very well.

• 44:21Speaker 04

  So it's me and Bill with Jack Shalaka, one of the other producers on Rob and Ramesh when he started, and Ramesh, that's us four, two Tottenham, two Arsenal.

• 44:28Speaker 05

  Yeah, but for years it was our safe place where like, you could just, we basically went and did one where we went and we fell in like a basketball, didn't we?

• 44:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 44:36Speaker 05

  And so when your team's not doing very well, you sort of like start following.

• 44:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 44:40Speaker 05

  Basketball. And the worst thing about this at the minute, Rob, is that the basketball season has not even started yet. That's how early we're bad.

• 44:49Speaker 05

  Usually, you know, we can turn to it, like.

• 44:51Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 44:51Speaker 05

  It's, it's, it starts in October, we're bottom before October.

• 44:55Speaker 04

  Well, you've got three weeks, Bill, you've got three weeks international break. Unfortunately for you and Jack, when me and Ramesh meet you for dinner in a couple of weeks, it will still be the break and you'll still be bottom of the league. But where do you go from here to any Spurs fan that needs to?

• 45:07Speaker 05

  I said, that was my point, Rob. Where do we go from here? Nobody knows. Nobody knows.

• 45:12Speaker 03

  Is he aware what his next fixture is?

• 45:14Speaker 05

  We've got Man United away.

• 45:15Speaker 04

  Man United away. Oh, El Sacio.

• 45:19Speaker 03

  So good. And then they've got Coventry. Come on now.

• 45:22Speaker 04

  If you lose to Coventry, Deserby goes, I think.

• 45:25Speaker 05

  Yeah, 100%. We don't lose to Coventry.

• 45:27Speaker 04

  I think get rid of Deserby and get Emery.

• 45:29Speaker 03

  He's not going to do that.

• 45:31Speaker 04

  He'll go to a club that's got money.

• 45:33Speaker 05

  I, Rob, I know this is so bad to say this, and I, you do see this with like, Kundy and like, you know, R and they're talking about, I know a fan said this. But I do, we've got to scratch the Pochage just to get over it.

• 45:43Speaker 04

  You can't get Poch back. I feel like I'm talking to a mate in a nightclub trying to get with his ex because he's having no luck. You cannot go back. Poch is not the man anymore. He had that moment, it's gone.

• 45:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:55Speaker 05

  Yeah, but we need to just.

• 45:56Speaker 04

  Do you know, all right, do you know, all right, Bill, honestly, I think you need a little bit of heart, you need to get the fans back on side, Ryan Mason.

• 46:05Speaker 04

  And just go from there.

• 46:07Speaker 05

  David Pleak, Mason Pleak together.

• 46:09Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 46:10Speaker 03

  Could I just say, Michael's done some research.

• 46:13Speaker 04

  So just weeks ago, it was reported that the dressing rooms luxury molten brown toiletries had been removed.

• 46:19Speaker 05

  Lovely, see?

• 46:20Speaker 04

  There you go.

• 46:20Speaker 03

  So does he think that's going to make a difference?

• 46:22Speaker 04

  So they stink like shit and they're beating you.

• 46:27Speaker 04

  When do I smell like dog shit that whips it in top corner? You, you've got to sort of pink scout his shit, innit?

• 46:33Speaker 05

  Do you know what's worse? Like, I'm watching like Juve highlights and Pat Matasas like bossing the midfield at Juve.

• 46:38Speaker 04

  And also, is that a centre back at Brighton? Is it a centre back that you've got rid of? He's better than Van Hepp.

• 46:43Speaker 05

  Best player in the league, best, he's winning man of the match every week.

• 46:46Speaker 03

  Oh dear.

• 46:47Speaker 05

  Best player in the league. We sold, we, we, we sold, we sold the good ones. We bought, we spent 300 million on worse players.

• 46:55Speaker 04

  Um, right, I don't want to feel like this is a part of, but any positivity, Bill, would be great. But Josh, have you got a final question for Bill before I let him go back to?

• 47:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, this Molton Brown thing, famously players are holding wash bags when they get off the.

• 47:09Speaker 04

  Yeah, they're not using the Molton Brown.

• 47:11Speaker 03

  No.

• 47:12Speaker 04

  Also, Molton Brown sounds like a panic buy and they're trying to turn it like that. We've got Molton Brown at left back, that's fine, we're 50 million, it's just loaded toilet.

• 47:19Speaker 03

  He's injured.

• 47:20Speaker 04

  He's injured. Um, he had a slip in the shower.

• 47:23Speaker 03

  We'll speak to him in three weeks.

• 47:25Speaker 04

  Any parting words for Tottenham fans out there?

• 47:28Speaker 05

  Um, well, it will get better because the only way is up from the bottom.

• 47:34Speaker 04

  Of course.

• 47:34Speaker 03

  Can I ask one last question?

• 47:36Speaker 04

  What's the lowest points tally ever?

• 47:39Speaker 03

  Derby, innit?

• 47:40Speaker 05

  Come on, we're not doing a derby, it's Derby.

• 47:43Speaker 03

  I've got a friend who's a West Ham fan and he's having the time of his life because they're winning games, they're scoring goals. Does part of him think it would be really joyful to just go down and then come back up having scored, got 100 points?

• 47:59Speaker 05

  Sure, that's, it's such a, I've, so, DC, he, he's a Southampton fan. He said that, um, his happiest he's been as a Southampton fan was when they were in the Championship, because they're winning every week.

• 48:11Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 48:12Speaker 05

  And they're top of the league.

• 48:12Speaker 04

  With a hat on, a mac and a pair of sunglasses and a newspaper in front of him.

• 48:17Speaker 04

  Having a snoop about.

• 48:21Speaker 05

  So I, I think that's a really good point, because the West Ham fans, I think, actually, you ask Tom, is Tom enjoying it?

• 48:27Speaker 04

  Big Tom.

• 48:29Speaker 05

  Yeah, big Tom, is he enjoying it? That's what you should find out, whether he's enjoying, because I think that there's moments where.

• 48:35Speaker 04

  It can't be any worse than what you're going through, can it?

• 48:37Speaker 03

  No.

• 48:38Speaker 05

  And they, they were at Millwall, didn't they?

• 48:40Speaker 03

  Well, I tell you, I tell you what, I'll give you an example of this, Bill.

• 48:43Speaker 05

  They did, I, I think they were top last week.

• 48:45Speaker 04

  Yeah, well, they're doing well.

• 48:46Speaker 03

  I had a terrible time when Plymouth were in the Championship and we get every week you're playing billionaires. We're third in League One and I'm having the time of my life.

• 48:54Speaker 04

  Josh is having the time of his life at Plymouth in League One.

• 48:56Speaker 03

  We won at Blackpool. We would never have won if we were playing Southampton.

• 49:00Speaker 04

  He's strictly just reading the back pages.

• 49:02Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 49:05Speaker 04

  Bill, I hope it gets better for you.

• 49:11Speaker 03

  All right.

• 49:12Speaker 05

  I like that.

• 49:17Speaker 04

  Bill, I thought that laugh was never going to end. Right, Bill, we'll speak to you soon, mate. International break, you've got time to get the squad together, you'll be fine.

• 49:25Speaker 05

  Yeah, rest up.

• 49:26Speaker 04

  Have you booked the cafe in Egypt to watch Mamouche's first goal yet?

• 49:30Speaker 05

  No, he's out there. He's in Alex at the minute. I was thinking I was going to go over in October, but, I mean, I thought he said I can't go there for a nil-nil.

• 49:37Speaker 04

  No.

• 49:38Speaker 05

  He needs to find a bit of sleep before going to Cairo for a cafe.

• 49:40Speaker 03

  If he does, can he report back about their walking, Rob?

• 49:44Speaker 04

  All right, cheers, Bill. See you later. Cheers, bye bye. Oh, that was funny, report. We need a system where Josh can talk to Bill.

• 49:53Speaker 03

  I quite like it because what I can do, I realise that I can slightly slam him and he won't hear it.

• 49:58Speaker 04

  Yeah. His laugh's amazing. He just loves life. Oh, poor bloke, that was horrible.

• 50:05Speaker 03

  He'll have an agent by then, three weeks' time when we speak to him.

• 50:07Speaker 04

  When Tottenham conceded the first two goals, I actually like, I know it's funny, but it was the first time I felt, this isn't actually funny anymore. There's people in that stadium, there's families are absolutely distraught.

• 50:17Speaker 03

  But Villa needed it, Villa needed it, Rob.

• 50:20Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, they needed it. So Tottenham are bottom of the league because Fulham got a point.

• 50:24Speaker 03

  It's a shame Fulham didn't win because then Tottenham would be bottom of the league, not just on goal difference.

• 50:29Speaker 04

  I know.

• 50:30Speaker 03

  Tottenham v Man U, I cannot wait.

• 50:33Speaker 04

  What, what day is that on?

• 50:35Speaker 03

  That is on October the 10th.

• 50:37Speaker 04

  Fuck, it's ages away. And at what time?

• 50:39Speaker 03

  It's movie week. It's show, it's show two, Rob. It's the first elimination of Strictly. It's at 5.30.

• 50:46Speaker 04

  So is there a Strictly this week?

• 50:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, show one. It's not that long, it's not that far.

• 50:51Speaker 04

  No, it's not.

• 50:52Speaker 03

  It's show three.

• 50:53Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 50:53Speaker 03

  It's show three. Jeez.

• 50:55Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, because it's three weeks away.

• 50:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:58Speaker 04

  So what time is that 5.30 game?

• 51:00Speaker 03

  It's a 5.30 on October the 10th.

• 51:02Speaker 04

  Yes, please. Oh, come on, I'm putting that in my diary.

• 51:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, you're going to love that.

• 51:06Speaker 04

  Feet up, watch that, watch you on Strictly, what a fucking night.

• 51:09Speaker 03

  Oh, my word.

• 51:10Speaker 04

  Get a pizza. Because whatever happens, that's a great game. If they both draw.

• 51:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:14Speaker 04

  They're shit.

• 51:15Speaker 03

  What, what do you want to happen in that game?

• 51:17Speaker 04

  I want Man United to win because I'm finding the Tottenham bottom of the league thing really funny and I want to, and I, and I.

• 51:24Speaker 03

  I don't believe Man U will get good if they beat Tottenham.

• 51:26Speaker 04

  No, and I, and I want the, the Carrick thing to drag on.

• 51:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:30Speaker 04

  So I think a top Man United win will be funnier.

• 51:32Speaker 03

  Can we end by asking Michael?

• 51:34Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 51:34Speaker 03

  If he thinks.

• 51:35Speaker 04

  Do you want to talk about any of the other games?

• 51:37Speaker 03

  No.

• 51:38Speaker 04

  They do, but.

• 51:42Speaker 05

  Go on, Michael.

• 51:43Speaker 03

  Are you hoping, man, you lose games now? Or you, do you believe Carrick can turn it around?

• 51:48Speaker 05

  Well, I've been very clear about my feelings on Carrick. He shouldn't have got the job in the first place. I would rather they sacked him now and replaced him, which won't happen. I think it's too embarrassing and about turned. So I would like us to lose as many games as possible, as quickly as possible to replace Michael Carrick. Because he's not and has never been the solution.

• 52:07Speaker 04

  Strong words there from Michael.

• 52:08Speaker 03

  And we're going to end, Rob, with some massive bastards.

• 52:11Speaker 04

  Oh, we've got some massive bastards?

• 52:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:13Speaker 04

  Give me your massive bastards.

• 52:14Speaker 03

  Hi, guys. Love both shows. Shout out for massive bastards. Ricardo Santos, Sheffield Wednesday and Cape Verde centre half, absolute unit, six foot five inch. Ed Sheffield Wednesday fan.

• 52:27Speaker 04

  Love it. Right. I'll have a look at him. Oh, he's a big old lump, he is.

• 52:31Speaker 03

  You have an him?

• 52:32Speaker 04

  I am. Yeah, he's got some big old shoulders on him. It's hard. You sort of need, it's hard to Google them. You need to see them running around the pitch. But yeah, I think he's definitely in that territory. The shoulders on it.

• 52:43Speaker 03

  This one's got a bit of explanation, right? Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. I'm a Peterborough fan and thought I'd throw a player into the ring. I'm not sure if this is allowed, but I think it's too good not to ask. As Exodus Giohagen retired in 2024.

• 52:58Speaker 04

  Ex, how do you spell his name?

• 53:00Speaker 03

  Exodus, as in the

• 53:03Speaker 03

  Gio, G E O, H A G, H O N.

• 53:06Speaker 04

  So how big's he? Oh my God, he's got a massive head. Yeah, he is an absolute massive bastard.

• 53:12Speaker 03

  Right. He retired in 2024, following an illustrious career, playing for 25 teams in 25 years.

• 53:19Speaker 04

  Try and list the teams. I've got them here.

• 53:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:21Speaker 04

  Sutton Coldfield, Bromsgrove Rovers, Regent United, Kettering Town, Peterbury United, Rotherham, Shrewsbury, Port Vale, Barnet, Darlington, Dagenham and Redwood, Mansfield Town, Kidderminster Harriers, Mansfield Town, Worcester City, Braintree, Solihull Moors, Nuneaton Town, White Hawks, Stourbridge, Torquay, Nuneaton, Stafford, Nuneaton, Howells Owen, Barwell, Highgate United, Grizzly and Shepherd's Shepshed Dynamo, certified massive bastard.

• 53:47Speaker 03

  So we'll induct one massive bastard a week. He's the one. Let me tell you why. Never has a footballer had so little value placed on his feet and so much on his hands. He could throw the ball into the box from the halfway line.

• 53:59Speaker 04

  Yes, that is peak massive bastard.

• 54:02Speaker 03

  If you've got a team of massive bastards, the team that he played for would cheer like they had a corner at almost any part.

• 54:09Speaker 04

  Yes, I love him. I fucking love him.

• 54:12Speaker 03

  You won't be disappointed. Luke, season ticket holder at the posh for 222 months, aged 390 months.

• 54:17Speaker 04

  Yes, please. Giohagen. Oh, I've got, I've got, I'm going to watch one of his videos.

• 54:22Speaker 03

  I don't know what, how your office is set up. Could you plot out, find out where he plays? Plot out our two massive bastards on the pitch so we know where they play.

• 54:29Speaker 04

  There's actually a YouTube compilation.

• 54:32Speaker 03

  Of his throws?

• 54:33Speaker 04

  It's Exodus Giohagen, the greatest.

• 54:39Speaker 04

  Exodus was the best striker ever, man. And judging by his career, I was his manager for the longest time.

• 54:44Speaker 03

  He was a striker.

• 54:45Speaker 04

  He's a striker, yeah.

• 54:46Speaker 03

  So he was taking throws from the halfway line.

• 54:48Speaker 04

  Oh my, and he was six foot five, but the throw-ins are mental.

• 54:53Speaker 04

  Big X, they call him. Oh my, these throw-ins are unbelievable.

• 54:57Speaker 03

  Send him more, you massive bastards, or anything you want, think we might want to hear. If you're aware, whether football teams bring print.

• 55:04Speaker 04

  No, he's a defender.

• 55:05Speaker 03

  He's a defender.

• 55:06Speaker 04

  Massive bastard. There he goes. Huge.

• 55:08Speaker 03

  And we'll continue to do our massive bastards teams. What's the longest you've wanted a team to keep winning so they keep their shit manager? Anything you think would be interesting. Have you ever been run over by a steamroller? Keep them. I didn't even get to watch the Andalus Townsend thing. We'll save it for international week.

• 55:23Speaker 04

  Also, I want to talk about Jimmy Floyd Hasselbank's fitness regime. I think I'm going to copy him to get ripped. He's trying to lose 10 kilos, so I'm going to do the Hasselbank training.

• 55:30Speaker 03

  Okay, great.

• 55:31Speaker 04

  We'll talk about that next time.

• 55:32Speaker 03

  Hasselbank's tip to Sean Wright Phillips on Strictly is don't count. Unbelievable.

• 55:37Speaker 04

  Is that what he said? Don't count?

• 55:39Speaker 03

  Don't bother counting.

• 55:40Speaker 04

  What, for the, what does that mean in dance?

• 55:42Speaker 03

  Well, that's, the whole thing is counting.

• 55:44Speaker 04

  He said, don't bother counting. Fair enough.

• 55:46Speaker 03

  See you later.

• 55:47Speaker 04

  Bye.

• 55:59Speaker 02

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