Modern Vulnerability is a Scam | FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

In this episode of Friday Field Notes, Ryan Michler breaks down why the popular concept of "vulnerability" is being misconstrued in modern culture . By definition, vulnerability means susceptibility to harm and weakness - traits that undermine a man's core responsibility to protect, provide, and preside . Rather than glorifying weakness for sympathy, men should replace vulnerability with humility, honesty, and discernment . Ryan explains how to identify weaknesses to shore them up, share truthful struggles only with trusted brothers who have earned your trust, and avoid the twin traps of total isolation or emotional leaking . Plus, learn details about the upcoming Order of Man War Room event focused on overcoming five foundational fears every man faces . SHOW HIGHLIGHTS 00:00 - Introduction: The Problem with "Vulnerability" 02:19 - Defining Vulnerability: Why It Means Weakness 03:10 - The Castle Analogy: Shoring Up Defenses 04:46 - What to Use Instead: Humility and Honesty 07:00 - The Dopamine Trap of Modern Vulnerability 08:00 - Applying Humility in Real Life 10:00 - Living in Honesty and Dealing in Reality 15:36 - Discernment: Who Has Earned Your Trust? 19:12 - Protecting the Skeleton Key 21:00 - The Two Dangers: Walled Off vs. Leaking 26:40 - Order of Man War Room Invitation Battle Planners: Pick yours up today! https://store.orderofman.com/products/order-of-man-annual-battle-planner Order Ryan's new book, The Masculinity Manifesto https://www.amazon.com/Masculinity-Manifesto-Establishes-Influence-Credibility/dp/1684513316/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1665048672&sr=8-1. For more information on the Iron Council brotherhood https://orderofman.link/iron-council. Want maximum health, wealth, relationships, and abundance in your life? Sign up for our free course, 30 Days to Battle Ready https://orderofman.link/battle-ready-0

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Imagine a dam. What is the job of a dam? To hold water. That's it. If a dam is good, it's holding the water. If it's not good, it's not. There are leaks everywhere. It's a problem. Well, that's you. You're the dam. You're the protector. You're the provider. You're the presider. And if you just blab everything that you're going through to anyone who will potentially listen to you, there's all sorts of leaks in your ability to protect and provide and preside. And primarily, most people will begin to think less of you. I don't want you to leak. I don't want you to be a dam that can't do its job, which is to hold up water. Guys, what's going on today? I want to talk with you about a controversial term. It should not be.

• 0:45Speaker 00

  It's well-defined. But it's a word that conjures up images of, you know, the ideal, the pinnacle of masculinity. But at the same breath, it also conjures up ideas of somebody who's kind of weak and timid and cowardly and pathetic. And I can't help but wonder why this one word is able to conjure up both sides of the aisle. And that word is vulnerability. Now, if you've been following us for any amount of time, you know that that is not one of my favorite words, because it actually has a definition. But, but as it usually goes, you know, the marketers get a hold of the word and, and tell us it means this when it actually means something else.

• 1:30Speaker 00

  And then it gets conflated. It gets misconstrued. It often tends to get over-feminized and we start to embrace the idea of just being weak for weaknesses' sake. So today, I'm going to talk with you about the word vulnerability. It's the wrong word. It's, it's not the right word to use. And look, you might say, well, Ryan, you're debating semantics. Yes, I am a little, but I'm also debating concepts. I want to debate with you ideas. And we use words to convey ideas. So let's either get on the same page about what the word means, or let's at least get to the root of what the actual issue is.

• 2:10Speaker 00

  Because at its core, the way that a lot of people talk about vulnerability is not wrong. But when you start hearing from so many people who start talking about being vulnerable for the sake of being vulnerable, it actually inhibits your ability to lead, to provide, to protect, to preside over and for the people that you're called to do so. So we're going to talk about what vulnerability actually means by definition. But we're actually also going to talk about what better words we can use instead of vulnerability. And then we're going to talk about the ways that you can use the concept of vulnerability as either something that will serve you and the people you're called to lead, or potentially

• 2:55Speaker 00

  to inhibit you, to undermine trust and to make your life harder than it needs to be. So let's first and foremost, break this down. Again, vulnerability is, is the wrong word to use. Okay? Vulnerability by definition means that, it means weakness. That, that, period. Vulnerability by definition means weakness. Susceptible to threat, susceptible to injury, susceptible to loss. And what a lot of people say is this, this idea of like, oh, men need to be vulnerable. Who needs to be susceptible to loss? Who, what man needs to be weak?

• 3:37Speaker 00

  That's not actually what they mean, but they're using that word because it's been co-opted to mean something virtuous. And vulnerability has never been virtuous. It is not a virtuous thing to be vulnerable. I want you to imagine, here's the analogy I've used. Imagine that you are responsible for guarding an ancient castle. You're, you're the king of the kingdom. And you've got this beautiful kingdom. This stone-built kingdom, it's, it's surrounded by 50-foot walls of stone and impenetrable defenses and fortresses around. What you're going to do is if you know that there's threats from the outside world to

• 4:19Speaker 00

  your kingdom, you are going to look for vulnerabilities so that you can shore those up. You're not trying to actually be vulnerable. You're trying to be the antithesis of vulnerable. You're only looking for those weaknesses so that you can shore them up. And if you're using the word vulnerable as a way to shore up your weaknesses, I support that. I can get behind that. If you're using it as a way to gain empathy, to gain sympathy, to gain pity, to gain attention, to gain some sort of being, being noticed, you're, you're doing it wrong. And people will say, well, you know, nobody's using it like that. I beg to differ.

• 5:04Speaker 00

  I beg to differ. Look how many people on social media will blab about everything. They'll literally set up a camera and they'll cry on film in front of a camera about some of life's woes in order to garner attention. They're, they're manufacturing weakness not to be strong, but to get sympathy. And that's antithetical to strength. Now, what is, what is a better way to describe vulnerability? My friend, Jack Donovan, often makes the case that it's simply humility and honesty.

• 5:46Speaker 00

  That is the core of what many people say they're, they're doing when they express vulnerability, is it's just simply humility and just simply being honest. But the distinction is, is it has to be with purpose. Right? If I'm just blabbing all of my bull crap on you about woe is me and life is hard and this is what I've gone through and this is what's happened to me, how does that serve you? Honestly, guys, how does that serve you? It doesn't. Now, if you're being honest, for example, about what life has dealt you, if you're being humble about the things that you don't know, so that you can shore those things

• 6:29Speaker 00

  up, I wouldn't say you're being vulnerable. I actually think you're being strong. Vulnerability does not require strength and it doesn't even require courage. It doesn't require courage or strength to point out where you're weak. And that's where modern culture gets it wrong. It doesn't. Okay? We're, we're problem-solving machines. We as men are always looking for something that's wrong. I can have a conversation today. I can have a discussion with a friend. I can look at my bank account. I can look at my, my body composition. It doesn't take courage to point out the obvious, that maybe I'm, I'm not as strong

• 7:10Speaker 00

  as I need to be, or maybe I have a few extra pounds I could shed, or maybe I have some vices that I can address. That doesn't require courage. You know what requires courage? Doing something about it. That's where the courage comes in. But everybody says, oh, just being vulnerable is where courage lies. No. Doing something about it is where courage lies. There was an interesting study and they showed that those individuals who talk about great future accomplishments on social media actually receive similar dopamine levels and hits as those who actually accomplish the thing. So if I jump on, on Facebook and I say, hey, guys, I'm going to run a marathon this

• 7:53Speaker 00

  year, the overwhelming majority of people on my feed are going to say, good job, Ryan. Way to go. You're amazing. You're incredible. Oh, you're so talented. And yet I haven't even done anything yet. And so we get the praise and the accolades. And the same thing is true of vulnerability. I had such a hard day today. And what do people do? Oh, it's okay. You can be strong. I believe in you. You're, you're the best. And then you start buying into that narrative? You don't actually need to do anything about it because you got everybody to tell you how wonderful you were for not doing anything.

• 8:34Speaker 00

  But where the rubber really meets the road is starting to be humble and starting to be honest. So let's talk about humility first. Humility is just acknowledging that you don't have all the answers. And I would also suggest that humility says that you are required to fill in the blanks. So if I don't know how to run new technology with our podcast studio, then that's okay. Like, that doesn't make me weak. That doesn't make me a loser. That doesn't make me pathetic. That doesn't make me incapable or incompetent. It just means I don't know how to do this yet. And when we're humble about not knowing what we need to do, then we can very simply reach out to somebody who's more qualified

• 9:17Speaker 00

  to address the things that we're trying to address. So if it's the technology that I'm dealing with and I'm like, "Man, I don't know how to hook up this system or work this camera." I mean, this podcast studio that we just built is a great example of that. I could not have done this on my own and I knew that. So what do I do? Just wallow in it and tell people how pathetic I am and how sorry I am for myself and why I can't get ahead and why the good luck goes to all the other people and why you need money to do? No, I'm not going to do that. That's what modern vulnerability would tell you to do. Just cry about it, complain about it. When what I'm here to suggest is that we just be humble. I don't know how to do this. So can I find somebody? Whether it's a friend, a family member, an acquaintance, a network connection,

• 10:02Speaker 00

  or potentially somebody I need to hire to help me do this. And that's what I did. I hired Lauren Laredi, Hassel Laredi, and she does an amazing job of designing studios and interior design. So I hired her to help me with this and here's, you know, the result. That's just humility. I don't have it all figured out, guys. And you don't have it all figured out. And it's okay. It doesn't make you weak. It's just a starting point for what you're going to do next. And then the second point is honesty. And honesty is just being truthful with people. I know it can be hard. I know it can be challenging. I'm not here to tell you that I'm always telling 100% of the truth 100% of the time because it is, it is scary, right?

• 10:46Speaker 00

  It does pose a risk. Risk of relationship alienation, risk of relationship loss, risk of financial loss. But we do need to be honest because I think it's important that we operate within the realms of relationship, whether it's platonic, romantic, professional. And we allow people to make the decisions that they want to make based on all of the information that they can have. Because wouldn't you want that? If you're in a business partnership and the potential partner you're going into business with has been indicted for fraud,

• 11:28Speaker 00

  I'd want to know that before I start to get into business with this individual. If you're in a romantic relationship and you've been unfaithful in the past, I think I would want to know that so I can make that decision as to whether or not I want to engage in a relationship with you. That's a fair request. That's a human request. It's a fair request to ask that people be honest with you, which means that if you want them to be honest with you about these important topics, then you need to be honest with them. And you also need to be honest with yourself. Where are you falling short? Where are you weak? Where could you use some areas of improvement?

• 12:12Speaker 00

  Where could you shore your life up? You know, I know, I know guys who won't even, they literally won't jump on a, on a scale because they know how overweight they are. I, I understand the desire not to jump on the scale. But I would argue that if you don't deal in reality, you can't really improve. I know men who won't pull up their bank account statements because they're worried about how far in the black they are or in the red they are, excuse me. Okay, that, that's a problem. You have to deal in reality. And that's where courage comes in. Okay, again, it doesn't take courage to blab all your crap

• 12:56Speaker 00

  because everybody around you is going to pat you on the back and tell you how wonderful they are. There's no alienation in vulnerability anymore. I mean, it used to be that we had guilt and we had shame and we didn't always feel like we were living up to our ideals and we had accountability. I mean, I remember that growing up in the 90s and, and late 80s. I remember being on a, on a football team or a baseball team and missing an assignment or missing a block or missing a play and getting reamed by my, my fellow players. Not in hate or hostility, but come on, like we expect the best of you. But that attitude of expecting the best from you has gone by the wayside and been replaced with,

• 13:41Speaker 00

  "It's okay. I know you're going through a hard time. I know you're struggling with these things. I know you're dealing with this. I know you're dealing with that." And many of the men's movements that have sprouted up all over the place, and, and I've actually kind of done a deep dive into this lately. There's a lot of very popular men's movements, but when you actually dive deep into these men's movements, they're primarily supported not by men, but by women. It's very interesting. You can go look a lot, a lot of viral clips and see that there's a lot of these men's movements and women are the only ones supporting them. And I'm, I've, I've made posts over the past several weeks about Lindsay Clancy and about this Cornell 7. And whenever people dissent,

• 14:27Speaker 00

  it's either very effeminate men or women who are, are making the case against what I'm saying, which is interesting because the real men that they're claiming that they want to either be or be with are not resonating with the language. Because it is weak. It is timid. It is cowardly. It is justification, rationalization for underperformance. And we as men who want to be the best, won't do it. Now, look, I'm not here to tell you that you can't express where you're weak and inadequate. Again, that's, this, this is the nuance. And I know people are going to pull out snippets and quotes. I had a guy do this the other day. He pulled out one little cherry pick quote and told me that I contradicted myself.

• 15:12Speaker 00

  Number one, I do all the time because I'm a human being and we have new thoughts that pop into our head based on new information. So if I never contradicted myself, that would be weird. And number two, if you don't look at the nuance of the situation, then it's easy to say, well, those are contradictory terms. But you got to look at the nuance. So I'm not telling you that you shouldn't be aware of where you're inadequate, but I'm telling you that you should not do it for the sake of doing it. Because I don't want to pat you on the back as some virtuous noble action of just blabbing and crying about all the things that you're dealing with. I want you to be humble, as I do.

• 15:55Speaker 00

  I want you to be honest, as I do want to be honest as well. So what's the distinction between the two? Well, the distinction is simply discernment. It's discernment. If I jump on social media and I post to my literally hundreds of thousands of followers on YouTube and Instagram and Facebook and TikTok and all the places, I could garner a lot of attention, a lot of attention. "Brian, you're doing a great job. You're doing well. You got this, brother. We believe in you." And yet that doesn't move me to being the better man that I want to be and that I'm capable of becoming. Discernment, on the other hand, is that I'm going to be humble when I realize there's opportunities for growth and I'm also going to be honest with the people who have deserved,

• 16:40Speaker 00

  who deserve and who have earned the right to my honesty. These are the people who are closest to you. It's your wife. It's your kids. It's business partners. It's clients. And I ask myself two very simple questions. Number one, does this person care about me? If they don't pass that test, I don't need to move any further. Because anything they say, whether it's true or not, anything they say will always be taken with a grain of salt. The question is, does this person care about me deeply? Do they want me to win? If they pass that test, I go to the second question. Are they right?

• 17:25Speaker 00

  Objectively, is that true? I had a, a close friend who said to me, "Hey, Ryan, you have a reputation for being one of these guys who just chases bright and shiny objects." Which in some context is, is right. In some context, it's not. But the first litmus test is, is this, does this person care about me? The answer was absolutely. This has been an individual who's been with me for almost 10 years. He's been an outspoken advocate of the work we're doing with Order of Man. He's challenged me in frustrating, but often productive ways. But this is an individual who cares about me. So he passed the first test. The second test, is he right? Now, on the surface, I might say, "Well, I'm not, I don't do that

• 18:09Speaker 00

  because look at all these other things I did where I'm not doing that." But if I stood and examined it for a minute, I was like, "Yeah, that, that's actually a fair critique in certain aspects of my life." And so that's an individual that I can be a little more discerning with, that I can, that I can talk about my humility, where I need to learn new things, what I, what I need to figure out, that I can be honest about the things I'm struggling with, the things I'm dealing with. Because that's a person who will stand by you. It's a brother in arms. And that's what men need more, I think, than anything else in life that we are severely lacking is a brother in arms. Somebody who's also wearing armor, somebody who's also engaged in the battle of life,

• 18:54Speaker 00

  somebody who's raising kids and building a family and starting a business and paying taxes, paying off debt, doing all the things that we do as men. And yet, when we're alone, we can take the armor off for a minute and say, "Hey, bro, how are you? How was the day? What did you deal with? What happened? What are you struggling with? Hey, how can I help you in that, in that area? Let's go train. Let's go do this. Let's learn new skills. Let me pour into you." Those are the kind of people that you should express, if we're going to use the term vulnerability with. Not just every rando on the street or any random person on Facebook because A, number one, they don't care about you.

• 19:34Speaker 00

  And number two, you have no way to tell whether or not what they're saying is true. So if we're going to express humility and honesty, then the first step is exercising discernment.

• 19:51Speaker 00

  And in order to achieve discernment, or in order to allow them access to your world, and that's essentially what we're doing. We're giving people the skeleton key to our deepest secrets. All your vices, your inadequacies, your incompetencies, and you're saying here, I trust you with this key. Guard it with your life. Now, if that individual, if you think that individual is going to take that key and go down to the local Ace Hardware store and make clones of the key and give it to every random person on the street, you probably wouldn't share your treasure. But if you give it to a person and you know, hey, this is a person who loves me.

• 20:36Speaker 00

  They care about me. They have my best interest at heart. They're going to be honest with me. They've proven time and time again. They've built trust with me. They've been credible. They've been there when I've needed them. And so I trust them with this key. And that's a beautiful thing because now we have two people to protect the treasure. Right? We have ourselves. I have to protect the treasure that I offer. And then we have another person who says, hey, look, here's... And I'm using the word vulnerability in the truest sense of the word. A person might come to you and say, hey, Joe, you're lacking in this department. You're vulnerable, dare I say, vulnerable in that department. And so let's fix this, this, this, this, and this. That's somebody who's earned my trust.

• 21:20Speaker 00

  And you have to earn my trust before you get access to what's inside. So the alternative, guys, is that it's not that we won't be vulnerable in the way that people mean it. Again, you might say I'm just debating semantics. Yes, it is just a potential word choice. You might listen to this podcast and say, well, Ryan, you're just talking about the way I define vulnerability. Cool. No problem. I have no issue with that. You're just choosing to use a different word than I do. Or I'm choosing to use a different word or two words to explain what you mean. And that's fine. I have no issue with that. But what I do want to say,

• 22:05Speaker 00

  whether you use the word vulnerable or humility and honesty, is that if you don't, if you don't do this properly, there's one of two things that are going to happen. And this is the biggest danger. It's the threat to you. It's the threat to your family, your kids, your wife, your colleagues, your coworkers, our communities. One of two things happen if we don't do this properly. This is the most important thing I want you to take away from this. Number one is we will isolate ourselves. We'll wall ourselves off. We'll put ourselves on an island. We'll pretend like we're special or unique or different, that nobody else understands us, that nobody else gets us. I did this when I went through my divorce.

• 22:50Speaker 00

  And I acted as if I was the first person in history to go through a divorce, to lose my family. That's crazy. Millions and millions of men have gone through the exact same experience that I have. And yet I told myself that I was unique or I was different or I was special. And no one would get it. No one would understand. No one was on my side. Well, that wasn't true. And because I was not willing to be humble with the right people using discernment and honest about my situation, I walled myself off to opportunities. I walled myself off to growth.

• 23:34Speaker 00

  I walled myself off to insight that would have been very advantageous as I was on my own self-development and growth journey over the past three and a half, now almost four years. And I made myself weaker, more vulnerable, by not expressing myself to those people who had earned the trust required to express myself. So that's scenario number one, if you don't do this right, is that you just wall yourself off. Scenario number two is you just leak everywhere. Everywhere. Imagine a dam. What is the job of a dam? To hold water. That's it. If a dam is good, it's holding the water.

• 24:19Speaker 00

  If it's not good, it's not. And there are leaks everywhere and it creates a problem. Well, that's you. You're the dam. You're the protector. You're the provider. You're the presider. And if you just blab everything that you're going through to anyone who will potentially listen to you, there's all sorts of leaks in your ability to protect and provide and preside. And primarily, most people will begin to think less of you. I know men who I care for. I want them to win. But they will crumble, literally crum... disintegrate at the slightest sign of adversity. I don't want them to do that.

• 25:04Speaker 00

  I want them to be strong. I want them to be resilient. I want them to be tough. I want them to figure out how to deal with all of life's woes, whether it's just a hard day at the office or a wife who might be upset or kids who are dealing with something or financial hardship or a lawsuit or a medical diagnosis. I mean, I've been an advocate for men standing up and holding frame for 11 years. I don't want you to leak. I don't want you to be a dam that can't do its job, which is to hold up water. And I don't want you to be the kind of man whose kids can't look at him with a level of respect. I don't want you to be the man whose wife continues to look at him and then gets involved in some sort of other

• 25:48Speaker 00

  emotionally charged relationship with another man because she doesn't feel connected to you because you're just blabbing and crying all the time about what's going on. Now, I'm not saying you being vulnerable necessarily leads to that, but I'm saying it could. It could. If you start to believe, as modern culture would tell you, that you just have to tell everybody all of your life's problems. No, you don't. You have to share those things with the people you trust, the people who would tell you the truth, and the people who will offer insight and resources to help you overcome those things. That's my take on vulnerability. I'm a little softer on the word than I was in the past

• 26:33Speaker 00

  because I know what a lot of people mean. But there's still a large contingent of individuals who believe that vulnerability as a virtue means you just blab everything to everybody. That's not what it means. It never has and never will. I choose to use instead the words humility and honesty. Now, if you say those mean the same thing to me, cool. No problem. We're on the same page. Use that word all you want. But what I really wanted to do is I wanted to get to the root of what we're talking about here, which is humility and honesty. And if you're doing those things with discernment, building trust with those you love, those who care about you and those who want to serve you, then I think you're doing it right. And you can use whatever word you want to use. Doesn't matter to me.

• 27:18Speaker 00

  Now, guys, the reason I bring a lot of this up is because we're doing an Order of Man War Room. And a war room is us getting together on Wednesday, October 14th, at 8:00 PM Eastern. And we're talking about concepts like this where you'll be able to ask questions. We bring in guest experts. We talk about particular issues. And it's all free. All you have to do is get registered. It's all free. If you go to orderofman.com/warroom, we're going to be talking about five fears that you need to overcome as a man in your life. And we talk about vulnerability in a kind of a different way. So there's some more nuance to what I'm going to share with you on October 14th.

• 28:01Speaker 00

  But we're also going to be talking about the feeling of being powerless, the feeling of being irrelevant, the feeling of being exposed. That's where vulnerability comes in. So we're going to be talking about these five fears that every man is dealing with and what specifically he can do to overcome the feelings that he's having so that he can charge forward in hope and optimism and growth, not scarcity and falling behind. So if you want to check that out, head over to war... excuse me. Orderofman.com/warroom, all one word. Orderofman.com/warroom. Get registered. There's a video that explains what we're going to be talking about.

• 28:46Speaker 00

  Again, it's entirely free. And I would love to have hundreds and hundreds of guys there. I think our last one, we had about 130 guys on the call. Would love to have 1,300 guys on the call. So if you want to go to orderofman.com/warroom, you can check it out. And if you disagree with what I'm saying, again, I don't want to debate semantics. If you say, well, Ryan, that's what I mean by vulnerability, fine. We have nothing to discuss. We're on the same page. Cool. But if you have a differing opinion, perspective, idea, insight, great. Let me know. And let's have a healthy, honest discussion about the concepts of vulnerability, humility, and honesty. Guys, I appreciate you tuning in. Appreciate the work you're doing in your homes. You lead and inspire me every day. And then make sure, of course, to check out the War Room,

• 29:31Speaker 00

  orderofman.com/warroom. You can check that out again October 14th, 8:00 PM Eastern. And we'll plan on seeing you there. All right, guys. Until next week for our podcast interview, go out there, take action, be humble, be honest, and become the man you are meant to be.

• 29:51Speaker 01

  Thank you for listening to the Order of Man Podcast. You ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you are meant to be? We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.