The 1 Toxic Mistake That's Damaging Your Relationships & The 4 Steps To Never Repeat it Again

There’s one habit that could be ruining your relationships. In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty reminds us that sharing close quarters with someone can quickly result in stress & strain on our relationships. It’s all too easy to fall into the dangerous habit of keeping score. Keeping score is easy, but it's a destructive habit. You'll learn Jay Shetty’s four steps (D-E-A-L) to break the habit of scorekeeping so your relationships can thrive. Text Jay Shetty 310-997-4177 See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet,

• 0:44Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. This episode is brought to you by Vinted. Value can be found anywhere, even in the clothes sitting untouched in our closets. That's where Vinted comes in. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell clothes you no longer want and get more value out of them. Whether you're running out of space, moving, or simply updating your wardrobe. Listing items is a quick and simple process, and once something sells,

• 1:30Jay Shetty?

  Vinted creates a prepaid shipping label for you. And the best part, there are no seller fees, so you keep what you earn. It's a simple way to clear out your closet, be less wasteful, and maybe make some extra money along the way. And if you've been thinking about a wardrobe refresh, this can make it feel a little more worthwhile. You're not just letting go of clothes, you're getting more value from what you already have. Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep every dollar you earn. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating.

• 2:16Jay Shetty?

  And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet, AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and is clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1

• 2:59Jay Shetty?

  Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. If you're counting every time that you win and you get something right, and if you're counting every time someone else loses and makes a mistake, you're always going to feel like they're not right for you.

• 3:30Jay Shetty?

  Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I just want to start off by saying a big thank you to each and every one of you that's listening right now and each and every one of you that subscribe to the podcast and also written a review. The reviews make a huge difference. Thank you so much. I want to give a big shout out to someone who wrote this review last week. It says, "Never disappointed. Jay is so current and his content is life changing. His guests are amazing." Yes, they are. "And the way he steers his interviews makes for time well spent." Thank you so much for listening. It means so much to me. Now, this is another one. "This is the first podcast I've ever listened to. Your interviews and the way you communicate things has helped me so much. Thank you so much. These reviews are amazing."

• 4:15Jay Shetty?

  If you get a chance, please leave a review on the podcast. It makes a huge difference to new listeners. It makes a huge difference to people that can work with us, connect with us, and communicate with us, and the guests that we get. If you get value from this podcast, please leave a review. It will make the biggest difference to me and I really appreciate it. I can't wait to read out more as we continue to do this. Now, whether you're walking the dog, whether you're, you know, doing some household chores, whether you're cooking, or commuting, or working, or whatever you're up to, I just want to say thank you for investing in yourself. Thank you for committing to yourself. It's the best investment you can make, but it is the rarest investment that we make. And I just want to take a moment to acknowledge

• 5:00Jay Shetty?

  and recognize how powerful it is. Now, today, we're talking about the one habit that could be ruining your relationships and the four steps to stopping it. Now, I realized I haven't spoken about relationships for a while, but I do realize that during the pandemic lockdown, COVID, relationships have been the most tested. And it's fascinating because people have been alone and missing being around people. And then people have been surrounded by their family, their partners, their kids, and wanting to find alone time and space. It's incredible how we always crave what we don't have. And it's really interesting to think about, what are the habits?

• 5:45Jay Shetty?

  What are the default modes that are ruining our relationship? And how can we drastically improve them? Now, ask yourself this question. Does it often seem like people just don't measure up? Like, do you have a friend who always lets you down? Right? Does your boyfriend or girlfriend or your spouse have a behavior they seem to do over and over and over again? That idiosyncrasy, that behavior trait that just irritates the heck out of you and always makes you angry? You can visualize them doing it to you right now, right? Like, you can see it. Whatever it is, everyone has one of those. Right now, lots of us are experiencing stress in our relationships in different ways. Maybe we're spending lots more time in close quarters with our partners, or maybe we're feeling strained

• 6:30Jay Shetty?

  because we're restricted to texting and Zoom calls when we'd really like to see and spend face-to-face time with our family and friends. But it's not everyone who's experiencing relationship stress. Julian Redwood is a marriage and family therapist who runs the website fullfrontalfatherhood.com. He says that during this time, people who have strong relationships overall are doing fine and are viewing one another as a team who can get through this together. For those who are Struggling, what this time of stress and restriction is doing is underscoring and amplifying issues that already exist in their relationship. So think about that.

• 7:12Jay Shetty?

  Are you someone who's kind of, you know, you're putting it together, you're pushing through, you're working hard on it? Or are you both realizing that you're seeing things come out from the cracks? And by the way, neither is good or bad. It's just learning from that situation. So how can we resolve these issues? I wanted to talk about one extremely common thing so many of us do that causes stress and strain in our relationships. It's a behavior that if we learn to identify with and understand why it's so problematic, we can stop. We can shift it and we can make our relationships, whether with boyfriends or girlfriends, family or friends, so much stronger as a result.

• 7:57Jay Shetty?

  I'm going to tell you the one habit that could be wrecking your relationships and the four steps to breaking that habit. So you and those who you love can appreciate and enjoy one another more. Here's the one habit that may be causing you stress and strain in your relationship that doesn't need to be there. Are you ready for it? Keeping score. How many of you out there are scorekeepers? I'm not talking about sports, I'm talking about in your relationships. Are you a scorekeeper? Do you keep track of the times people irritate you, disappoint you, or let you down? And keep score of how many times you're going out of your way and being the bigger person and doing the right thing?

• 8:42Jay Shetty?

  How many of you ask your partner or your parent to do something? Or you create setups where you have an expectation or hope that the person will do or say something particular? In other words, how many of you test people to see whether they measure up? Now be honest with yourself, because again, if we can identify this problematic behavior, we can change it. This isn't about being hard on yourself. It's not about criticism. It's about creating something better for ourselves and those we love. So let's say the person you're dating is usually late. You put a time out there to meet and they're late and you get angry. You mark it down in the books, right? He was late again.

• 9:27Jay Shetty?

  He might even spoil your whole night. Maybe you fight about it or you just sit there and steam about it, right? How many of us do that? And every time it happens, you think, here we go again. It's like you're mentally putting another tally in the late column. Here's why that and all scorekeeping is a problem. It doesn't help. I mean, I know that sounds really simple, but think about it. It's not constructive. It doesn't solve anything. When you keep score, you're just getting frustrated with the person and you end up unhappy and resentful or whatever else it is that you're feeling. Or maybe it's that your friend has the habit of every time you share something, they don't listen.

• 10:11Jay Shetty?

  Instead, they make it about themselves. Like you say, hey, I'm really struggling right now. My child is having nightmares and isn't sleeping and so I feel bad for him and also we're all tired. And your friend jumps in and says, oh yeah, I remember when our youngest went through that, it was awful. I had such a hard time. And you think, there she goes again, making it about her. And maybe that is an unhelpful habit she has, turning the conversation back to herself. Yet how long has she been doing this? If you think, there she goes again, then you know she has this habit. Here's the question. Why are you surprised? That's the big question. Now, I know we do this.

• 10:55Jay Shetty?

  We keep going back to the same people over and over, hoping they will be or do something different. But in some cases, that's just who they are. Or that's where they are in their lives. There's a quote that's attributed to Einstein, which says that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. And we do this the most with people. If you're just going to sit there and keep score when your boyfriend is late or your friend doesn't listen and hold this as a tally against him, that's a choice you're making and it doesn't support healthy relationships. It just gets you frustrated and angry and resentful. And often, we keep score for so long that we don't even notice

• 11:39Jay Shetty?

  the other wonderful things the person does. Instead, we focus on what they don't do. We also sometimes get to the point that we so expect them to do these things that irritate us, that it's almost like some sort of part of us enjoys it, like getting that validation of being right, of being able to say, "I knew they'd do that again, right? I predicted it, you know, I told you so." And even if in some way that validation feels good in the moment, it's like eating sugar, right? It's great in those first moments, but then it lets us down. It's not nutritious, it's not healthy. So, here are the four things you can do to stop keeping score and how these four things will impact you and your relationships for the better.

• 12:24Jay Shetty?

  Now, I want you to remember this. Deal. D E A L. Deal? Here we go. We'll start with D. The first thing is this. Ask yourself this question. Is this a deal breaker? Is this behavior something that is so triggering or disrespectful or abusive or manipulative that if this person continues this, I don't want them in my life anymore? It's your responsibility to identify that. If you want to have wonderful, healthy, fulfilling relationships, you need to know what your deal breakers are. And hopefully, it's not stuff like leaving the cap off the toothpaste, right?

• 13:09Jay Shetty?

  That might be a bit unreasonable. You know, that's the kind of thing that might be more about you than the other person. But you need to have boundaries. Like if someone insults you, they tell you that you don't look good. They don't like your style, that you're not as intelligent as they are. That's a deal breaker, right? That's fundamentally disrespectful to you. But what about the person who's late? Is that a deal breaker? Maybe it is for you. But ask yourself this. Is the person trying to be disrespectful? And maybe they are, that's their choice, you know, that's that chance. But could it also be that they have a different relationship with time than you do? That they don't understand how long things truly take?

• 13:53Jay Shetty?

  Like getting across town in traffic? And they need to do some work on their planning and scheduling? And that's not about you. They do that across the board. And that's the real indicator there is, are they like that with everyone? Or are they like that just with you? That's a great indicator and thing to look out for. And what about your friend? Is her not listening a deal breaker? Maybe it is again. Maybe you decide that this isn't a relationship you can stay in, that it's not good for you. And that's okay. Boundaries are beautiful. Boundaries are healthy. You have to advocate for yourself. But be honest with yourself. Is this behavior truly a deal breaker? So that was the D in deal.

• 14:38Jay Shetty?

  Step number two is E for embrace it. A way to stop scorekeeping is to embrace your friend, your boyfriend, your family member anyway. And this applies if you decide that the behavior is not a deal breaker. Maybe it's something that irritates you, but it's so ingrained in who they are that it would be like asking a leopard to change its spots, right? You've heard that statement before. Or in the bigger scheme of things, maybe it's pretty minor, like loading the dishwasher away that bothers you. Look, none of us are perfect. My wife and I work on our relationship and we do loads of healthy things, but we still have little things that we do differently from the other person. But we embrace those things as part of the person we love.

• 15:23Jay Shetty?

  We don't keep score. Well, I used to, but I realized how detrimental it was. We don't hold those things against one another because that would just cause strain and resentment between us. Sometimes we can even laugh about these things in one another. These are our quirks. Mind you, we're not laughing at one another or making fun of one another, but laughing together at these things. Like, maybe your boyfriend leaves the toilet seat up or your girlfriend often forgets and leaves her gym bag at home when she goes to exercise. When we truly love and value someone, we can now learn to laugh at these things together. And by the way, so many fights in couples are caused by domestic things that just need to be done.

• 16:02Jay Shetty?

  So a study and an article that I read by Karen Frati on rompa.com said arguing over chores leads couples to divorce. And this is the interesting part. A study out of Harvard Business School looking at 3,000 couples found that 25% of couples divorced listed disagreements about housework as the top reason for splitting up, as reported by the New York Times, right? It's crazy that it is such a common thing and that's why I'm talking about it and giving it so much importance. So that was E. The first D was ask yourself if the behavior is a deal breaker. The second E was consider whether you can learn to embrace this thing that right now irritates you.

• 16:47Jay Shetty?

  Can you let it go? Can you release it? Recognizing that it's just a part of this person you love and there may be smarter ways to find a way to not argue about this thing that irritates you so much. Now, the third step to stop scorekeeping is A for ask. Have you had that conversation? Have you told the person? I want to be in this relationship with you, but here's what's happening. I feel like the fact that you're so often late or that you tend to make things about yourself when I share something is disrespectful or it hurts my feelings or makes me feel like I don't matter to you. And have you brought it up and asked them about it? Asked them to change the behaviour or to discuss why they do that?

• 17:31Jay Shetty?

  They may have a completely different perception or perspective. They may have no idea. They may say, "Oh, that's such a bad habit I have. I've been working on it." Or, "I had no idea. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. I'll try to do that better." You may even discover that it's a trauma response that they struggle with. You won't discover any of this unless you ask. And if the person expresses openness to changing the behaviour, then your job is to wipe the slate clean. To stop keeping score, resist the temptation. Because if you just sit there and wait and look for them to do it again, what's going to happen? It might turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. There's an interesting phenomenon.

• 18:15Jay Shetty?

  I heard this from a body worker, a massage therapist and teacher. He told me that when he's teaching his students, who are going to become massage therapists, when he's teaching them hands-on work, he teaches them all of the techniques to get muscles to relax and soften. But then says, "And if all that doesn't work, if the muscles don't soften and relax, and you can't figure out what's going on, take a deep breath and relax your own body." More often than not, when you do that, the client will relax. Their muscles will relax. If you're holding tension in your own body, and even in your own mind, they will feel that in some way, even if they're not aware of it.

• 19:00Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods Market. If you're talking about quality food, you can't forget Whole Foods Market, who've been holding themselves to the highest standards since they opened in 1980. That means you'll see thousands of organic products across their stores, from the produce department to the aisles. It also means you'll never see certain ingredients. They've banned artificial sweetness and colours, high fructose corn syrup and more, so you can shop with peace of mind. Shop Whole Foods Market in-store or online. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk a lot about intentional decision making, and that extends to the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually works for your life.

• 19:44Jay Shetty?

  State Farm is there to meet you where you are, and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state, coverage options are selected by the customer, availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state. This episode is brought to you by Wayfair. Home should be a place that feels like a sanctuary, a space that truly reflects who you are, but it can be challenging to balance style, budget, and endless options. I was looking to create a dedicated, calm space for my morning meditation and reading, but I was struggling to find pieces that felt grounding but could also stand up to daily use.

• 20:29Jay Shetty?

  I went on Wayfair and found a beautiful, solid wood accent chair and a bookshelf. Now that corner is my favorite place to anchor my day. The quality is incredible, it's built to last, and it completely shifted the energy of the room. Plus, you can shop with Wayfair Verified, where product specialists carefully vet items for quality and functionality, so you can shop with more confidence. And if putting it all together sounds like a headache, Wayfair can handle delivery, installation, and assembly. Join Wayfair Rewards today to get 5% back on every purchase and start saving on your next home upgrade. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home.

• 21:13Jay Shetty?

  There was this amazing experiment where scientists took two Petri dishes, and in each one, they put some cardiac muscle fibers, muscle fibers from the heart. Something that's really cool is that these muscle fibers from the heart can keep beating outside of the body. So, each set of muscle fibers in each dish, and they were beating separately. The researchers took the Petri dishes and placed them right next to one another on the counter. In just a short amount of time, the fibers started beating in rhythm with one another. They synced up. That's a phenomenon called entrainment. We perceive one another. We can sync up with one another. You've experienced that when your partner is angry or your child is sad.

• 21:58Jay Shetty?

  You feel that. If you're rigid against someone and you expect them to let you down, in some way, they feel that. If you can breathe and relax and let it go and instead, hold that person in a space of love, they will feel that too. So step three is ask. Ask them about the behavior. Discuss it with them. Then if they're willing to try and change it, if it feels like something they want to change, give them a chance to do it. Wipe the scoreboard clean. Resist the urge to test them. And when you do that, you'll be amazed at how much better you feel. Because you're not looking for that next misstep they're gonna make.

• 22:39Jay Shetty?

  The last step to scorekeeping is L for love yourself. Some of our relationships, we can't choose, right? I'm talking about our families. If your mother or your father or your sibling continually upsets you with their political views, with their lack of acknowledgement of your accomplishments or whatever it is that our families just bug us with over and over again, choose to love yourself. And what I mean by that is, don't allow them to have control over your feelings and your experience of life. If your mother or father or sister or brother or cousin or aunt drives you crazy,

• 23:22Jay Shetty?

  that is actually you allowing them to control how you feel. By saying that someone drives you crazy, it means they're in the driving seat and you're in the passenger seat. You're letting someone drive you crazy. Now, think about it. Would you ever let a crazy person drive your car? If someone in your family was having a bad day and being overly emotional and struggling with something, would you let them drive your car? You wouldn't. So why would you let them drive your mind? Why would you let them drive your emotion? Why would you put them in the driver's seat when you know that they're not in the right condition right now? Why do we let that happen? And you can change that.

• 24:06Jay Shetty?

  That's one of the things meditation is so good for. Especially meditating on compassion and mindfulness meditation to help your routine a calm center. Do all of the first three things with your family. Decide if it's a deal breaker and you need to do something as extreme as cut off communication with them, which in some cases might be what you choose. See if you can embrace this as you're not favorite part of a person you otherwise love and adore and want an active relationship with. And ask them about the behavior. Identify it. Maybe they're not even aware of it. But beyond all of that,

• 24:52Jay Shetty?

  if you're going to be at a holiday meal with the person, if you're going to be talking to them regularly and there's a reasonable expectation that they will do this thing, decide to love yourself by diffusing its impact on you. Get some perspective. Step back and say, this is not worth my happiness. I'm going to love myself and let it go. Now again, if they're being abusive to you, that's another matter. But if it's something that irritates you, that's inconsiderate or maybe mildly rude, you can choose to diffuse it, to diminish its effect on you. One of the things I want to share about scorekeeping overall is

• 25:35Jay Shetty?

  If you're counting every time that you win and you get something right, and if you're counting every time someone else loses and makes a mistake, you're always going to feel like they're not right for you. When what I've learned is to realize that actually there are some areas, and this is why scorekeeping doesn't work, but needs to be looked at broadly. There are some areas in your life where you'll carry your partner, and there are other areas in your life where your partner carries you. And the point is to look at both simultaneously. So we make two mistakes in relationships. We either only look at what we do,

• 26:19Jay Shetty?

  and that way you'll always feel like you're giving more. And the other mistake is we only notice the good that the other person does. And that way we ignore the bad, and this is very common in relationships. We ignore the bad, we ignore the red flags, we ignore the alarms and the alerts and everything telling us to leave because we only notice the good they do. And that is why it is so important to not score keep and see if you reciprocate in the same areas, but to see if there is reciprocation in approach in different areas. I'll give you an example of what I mean. Let's say my wife finds it annoying that sometimes when I'm working really hard, I'm reading a lot of books, I'll leave all my books out.

• 27:04Jay Shetty?

  But she also knows that I always try and help her with something when she needs help and needs support. So it's not that I don't want to support, it's not that I don't want to help her, it's just that I have this habit when I get really in the zone to leave my stuff in a mess. And then she may realize in her life that when she's busy cooking or whatever it may be, she may be messy or busy or whatever it is, but she's also willing to help me in any other areas. So we realize that we both have a different space in our life where we're unorganized and unfocused, but we also have a space in our life where we're trying to support each other and trying to help each other as well. And that's one way to realize that so many of our lives Are more like this than they are in any other way where people are supporting us

• 27:49Jay Shetty?

  in ways we don't support them and we're supporting them in ways they don't support us. And that's how a relationship works. Whereas when you're expecting them to support you in exactly the same ways you support them in the same spaces and places, that's not a relationship. That's scorekeeping and really, really unlikely.

• 28:11Speaker 01

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• 28:41Speaker 02

  Mr. President, my company told me of the explosion on our rig on October 2nd. Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all keep the blame on me.

• 28:50Speaker 03

  Tom Cruise is. Digger got us into this mess and Digger's gonna dig us up. From the director of Birdman and the Revenant.

• 28:57Speaker 04

  What would happen if I stopped doing it? You stall, you freeze to death, that's what.

• 29:01Speaker 03

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 29:05Speaker 04

  I'm not the first daddy.

• 29:06Speaker 03

  Digger. See the trailer online. Only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R. Under 17. Not admitted without parent.

• 29:12Jay Shetty?

  So those are the four steps you can take to stop scorekeeping. D E A L. Step one, decide if it's truly a deal breaker. Step two, decide whether the behavior is something you can embrace as just a quirk or bad habit that the other person has that you can't get past or maybe even laugh it off together. And come on, I'm sure you have your own quirks as well, right? We all have them. Me and Ravi just put out this video that came out a few days ago, a couple of days ago, which was us putting a piece of furniture together and you get to see all our quirks. You get to see the competitive nature. You get to see the laziness. You get to see the proactivity.

• 29:57Jay Shetty?

  You get to see everything. And we made that video just to show how real relationships can fall apart over such basic things. And that's why I'm making this podcast is that I see more. Couples and relationships arguing about petty insignificant things than they do about real things. And I'm not saying what you don't like about your partner is not real. It can be, but that often it's not a deal breaker, right? And maybe we can embrace it. Step three is ask. Identify the behavior to the other person and ask where it come from. Do they know they're doing it? Are they willing to try and change it? And if so,

• 30:38Jay Shetty?

  wipe the slate clean. Give them a chance to change it. Remember, if you're hard and rigid towards someone, they're more likely to be hard and rigid back. Create an opportunity and space for change. And step four, love yourself. Don't let that irritant, that childhood nickname they insist on calling you that minimizing your choice of career. Don't let those external things that yes, they may be insensitive, but don't let them steal your happiness and influence how you experience your life. That's what compassion is about to others and compassion to yourself. Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose. Let me know which of these principles

• 31:21Jay Shetty?

  stand out to you that you're going to test, that you're going to experiment with. Try to stop keeping score, everyone. It will make a huge difference. Please share your insights on Instagram. I love reading them. I love sharing them. And please leave a review for On Purpose on the podcast app that you listen to. Thanks for listening, everyone. I will see you again next week with an exciting guest and another exciting theme. Thank you so much.

• 31:53Speaker 02

  Mr. President, my company told me of the explosion on our rig on October 2nd. Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all heap the blame on me.

• 32:02Speaker 03

  Tom Cruise is. Digger got us into this mess and Digger's gonna dig us out. From the director of Birdman and the Rappin' It.

• 32:09Speaker 04

  What would happen if I stopped going? You stall, you freeze in there. That's what.

• 32:13Speaker 03

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 32:17Speaker 04

  I'm not the first daddy.

• 32:18Speaker 03

  Digger. See the trailer online. Only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R. Under seventeen