Pod Insights On Purpose with Jay Shetty 5 Ways To Prepare For A Marriage and Not Just a Wedding (Even If You’re Married) About this episode Wedding season has officially begun! I’ve been invited to four weddings in the last three weeks and my social media channels have been flooded with all wedding pictures. Weddings mark the beginning of your relationship but it’s very easy to get caught up in all the festivities and forget to focus on your actual marriage. The truth is, we all want to have a marriage more beautiful than our wedding, but our investment is in the wrong place. Remember this: it's better to have a small wedding and a big marriage, than a big wedding and a small marriage. On this episode of On Purpose, I give you 5 ways to prepare for a marriage and not just a wedding, even if you’re already married.
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2:01 Jay Shetty? This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised to yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet,
2:45 Jay Shetty? AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and is clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. We all want to have a marriage more beautiful than our wedding, but our investment is often the wrong way around. It's better to have a small wedding and a big marriage than to have a big wedding and a small marriage.
3:27 Jay Shetty? Hey everyone, welcome to On Purpose. My name's Jay Shetty and I'm so, so happy that you're here. You're incredible, you're amazing, because you're choosing to learn, you're choosing to grow, you're choosing to live the life you deserve. Thank you for taking that step. Thank you for making that commitment. Thank you for trusting me by listening to me, taking this time out every single week for 30 minutes. I'm so, so happy to have you here with me right now. It's wedding season, right? It's wedding season. I've been invited to around four weddings in the last three weeks and I've only made it to one because of my travel schedule, but we're in wedding season. And I've heard so many different things from so many different people.
4:10 Jay Shetty? Some people don't like weddings, some people absolutely love weddings, some people hate weddings. I'm someone that, when it's someone that's close to me, when it's someone that's really special to me, those weddings are really, really powerful and important. So recently, I literally went to London for around four days for one of my closest friend's weddings. He's been a little brother to me for probably the last 10 to 12 years. And he married this incredible girl. I'm so, so happy that they're together. And being at their wedding was one of the most memorable weekends of my life because I was around people that I consider my closest family, even though they're not family by blood.
4:52 Jay Shetty? And I say this often, that there are friends and there are family and there are friends that become family. That weekend was full of all of my friends that have become family in my life. We all have the same spiritual values, we all have the same goals, we've grown together, we've made mistakes together, we've failed together, we've served together, we've dreamt up plans to change the world together. Like, it's been such an incredible journey over the past, you know, 10 to 15 years that we've all known each other. And being there to celebrate one of our friends' weddings was just so, so, so exciting. And it was brilliant because all the jokes were jokes that all of us could laugh to.
5:36 Jay Shetty? Everyone who was invited to the wedding were close to us. The wedding decoration was absolutely stunning. It was absolutely beautiful. So, as you can tell, being a romantic, I, I love weddings. I enjoy people being in love. I enjoy people getting married and committing to each other. I enjoy seeing that process. And today's podcast is inspired by that because it's wedding season, because I know so many weddings are happening right now. And there are a few weddings that I couldn't get out to as well. I was invited to my good friend's wedding abroad that I couldn't get to, which, which I was gutted about. But the reason why I was talking about my friends recently that are getting married
6:16 Jay Shetty? is because they had beautiful weddings, but I know they're going to have even more beautiful marriages.
6:25 Jay Shetty? Right? Listen carefully about what I'm saying here. They had beautiful weddings, but I know that they're going to have even more beautiful marriages. And this is why today's podcast is called Five Ways to Prepare for a Marriage and Not Just a Wedding. In brackets, even if you're married, right? Even if you're married, this is still applying to you, right? Five Ways to Prepare for a Marriage and Not Just a Wedding. And even if you're married already and you've been married for five years and you're like, Jay, I'm not preparing anymore. Well, guess what? We're always preparing, we're always learning, we're always growing. Whether you've been married for five years, for 10 years, for 15 years, for 25 years, this podcast still applies to you.
7:06 Jay Shetty? If you're divorced, it still applies to you because it's something that can be used to learn and grow from. And if you're dating or you're about to propose and you're thinking about that moment that you're going to propose, right? It applies to every single one of us. Now, we see this all the time, viral videos, right? Videos that go super viral when people are proposing or getting married. We all love weddings, but I want you to recognize that there's a big difference between having an incredible wedding and having an incredible marriage. So let's take a look at some of the stats around marriages. Over 2 million people get proposed to in the United States every single year. If you're one of those people this year, then congratulations, if you said yes, of course.
7:49 Jay Shetty? But over 2 million people get proposed to, right? And we all know how that story goes. Someone asks, will you marry me? The response is yes or no. If it's a yes, we get excited about our wedding day. But often what I find is that there's so much excitement around the wedding day, but there's not as much planning for the actual marriage. So the definition of a wedding is a ceremony, usually with its accompanying festivities. The definition of a marriage is the state of being united as spouses. Look at the difference between a ceremony and being united. The difference between festivities and being united, right?
8:33 Jay Shetty? There's a big difference and we put so much energy and effort into the ceremony and festivities. But how much focus do we put on being truly united? And I just want to raise this as a topic of conversation today. Because I know that so many of our challenges would disappear if we were to invest our energy correctly. And if we thought about which one are we prepared for? Right? Are we prepared for our wedding? Or are we prepared for our marriage? This is one of the reasons why so many people get cold feet on their wedding day. Right? They're not scared about their wedding. The wedding's a party. They're not scared about being with their friends and drinking and partying. No one's scared about that. You're scared about what's coming after that, right?
9:17 Jay Shetty? And that's a really good indicator as to are we ready for a wedding? Or are we ready for a marriage? Right? A wedding is a beaut- of course, it's a beautiful ceremony. It's a sacred ceremony. But what I'm saying is that the experience of it is a day. And this is actually one of the crazy things. When me and my wife got married, the Vedic weddings are actually seven days long. There's so many different events. If anyone's ever been to an Indian wedding, there are so many different events. And the reason for that is actually to help us realize the gravity of the commitment we're about to make. See, when something ends in one or two hours, it's sometimes hard for us, unless we're really tuned in, some of us are. But it can be quite challenging for us
10:02 Jay Shetty? to really deeply embody and understand what a big commitment we're making. But when something's seven days and different rituals or different ceremonies have different meanings to them, that meaning takes time to settle in. And then by the end of it, you're like, wow, this is what I've just committed to. Like, this is what I'm getting myself involved in. And that preparation is so key. I know for a fact that when I got married to my wife, I look back and I always give this advice to other people. I'm just like, really, like, I want you to value this moment. I want you to experience it fully. Like, your wedding time goes too fast. Like, it was one of the best days of my life. Like, I wish I could relive it again because it was so beautiful and it was so amazing to be there. And I always say that to people that I know that are getting married, I'm just like,
10:46 Jay Shetty? really experience it, savor it. And if you're listening right now and you're thinking, Jay, well, my wedding's gone, or whatever it may be, then, then you can savor the moments you spend together. But let's look at the money behind a wedding, right? The amount of time and energy that gets invested and money gets invested into a wedding. Seventy-two billion dollars every single year are spent on weddings. The average wedding in the US is about twenty-five thousand, two hundred dollars. That is a ton of money, right? That could be enough to get a mortgage on a place. It could be someone's, you know, rent for a year, or even rent for two years, depending on where you live, or whatever it may be. But it's a lot of money.
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14:01 Jay Shetty? One thousand and sixteen dollars is the average cost of wedding rings for the bride and groom. Right? And I know a lot of people end up spending more on that. And I have a really interesting story about that, actually, because so many of us spend two to three months' salary. And recently I was at a conference where I was speaking about how media impacts action and then becomes culture. Right? Listen to that carefully. Media impacts action and then that action becomes culture. So when I was buying my ring for my wife, my engagement ring before we were married, I was told that you spend two to three months' salary of whatever you earn at the time on your engagement ring. So I was like, okay, cool. That's just, and then I was thinking.
14:46 Jay Shetty? I thought about that. I was like, where did that rule come from? Like, who came up with that? Like, did that come up from someone's dad? Or was it someone's uncle who threw that out there? Or was that, you know, was there a girl that came up with it? Was it a guy that came up with, like, who came up with that number? Like, why is it two or three? Why is it not one? Why is it not seven? Why is it not eight? And the incredible thing when I did the research was that I found there's actually a commercial. It's the De Beers, A Diamond Is Forever commercial of 1997. And the text only appears after 23 seconds of a 30-second advert. And it says, how else could two months' salary last forever? Right? How could two months' salary last forever? And then it says, a diamond is forever.
15:30 Jay Shetty? It's amazing how that became cultural, right? Now, it may be different in your town. It may be different with your friends, but you get the point I'm making. Now, $19 billion a year are spent on wedding gifts. You're lucky if you got some of those. $8 billion are spent on honeymoons. The average honeymoon costs $3,657. Now, interesting fact, when I got married, that's around the time when I first started creating videos. And so me and my wife actually moved to New York a few weeks after we got married. And so our honeymoon actually became looking for apartments and settling in and moving and trying to figure everything out. So we're actually going on a proper honeymoon three years later. And she's, my wife is incredible, right?
16:14 Jay Shetty? She just has stuck with me. She's been through with me. She's grown. She's been doing amazing. But it was just, I feel so lucky that she was there to stick with me through that time. And now we're actually going to go and have an incredible honeymoon this year. So the decorations, the outfits, the food, right? We want to have amazing weddings. And there's nothing wrong with that. But how much are we investing into having an amazing marriage? They're two different things, right? Just because you spent an X amount of money on your wedding, that does not guarantee anything to do with your marriage, right? It makes no difference whether you spent $10,000, $20,000, $100,000, $2 million, $200 million. It does not matter.
17:00 Jay Shetty? It will not define the quality. The quantity you spend on your wedding does not decide the quality of experience in your marriage. It just does not correlate. Now, the most expensive wedding of all time, right, of all time, was Prince Charles and Lady Diana. The bill was forty-eight million dollars in nineteen eighty-one. And just if you adjust that for inflation, that's a hundred and ten million dollars today. The wedding took place at the beautiful St Paul's Cathedral, it was attended by dozens of royals.
17:39 Jay Shetty? Two million people attended, like, real life around the space in St Paul's Cathedral. The TV audience was about seven hundred and fifty million people. And, and get this, right, there were twenty-seven wedding cakes. And the five-foot-tall main cake supposedly took around fourteen weeks to make. I have no idea how you keep something fresh for that long, or how it still tastes good, but that's insane. And there was a duplicate cake made in case of any accidents or mishaps. Can you imagine? Can you imagine making a cake for fourteen weeks and then it falling apart? But, again, the reason why I'm raising this, the reason I'm talking about this is not because I don't want you to have a big wedding. The reason I'm talking about this is very, very simple.
18:23 Jay Shetty? You can see the amount of energy and effort that goes into a wedding. How much energy and effort are we putting into our marriage? And this could be, if you've been married for a few years, the same questions apply. How much energy and effort did you put into dating? How much energy and effort did you put into proposal? How much energy and effort did you put into your wedding? And how much now are you renewing into your marriage? We all want to have a marriage more beautiful than our wedding, but our investment is often the wrong way around.
18:56 Jay Shetty? It's better to have a small wedding and a big marriage than to have a big wedding and a small marriage, right? It's better to have both beautiful and that's ultimately what we want. But here's how I want you to think about it. These are the five ways to prepare for an incredible marriage and these apply even if you're married already. I take this advice in my life all the time and I highly, highly recommend it for you. I really hope that this is going to have a big impact in your life. I really hope it's going to make a big difference in your life and I'm really, really excited to share this with you. Here's tip number one. When we're having a wedding, when we're planning our wedding, often people will have wedding planners. Now, those wedding planners can often be your friends. Sometimes they're hired, sometimes they're a friend of a friend, but we believe in having a wedding planner. Now,
19:41 Jay Shetty? every wedding plan is different. I know some people that are super, super organized and they have like Excel spreadsheets and I've seen it. I got scared when I was getting married, I had friends at work sending me their Excel spreadsheets that they planned to plan their wedding and I was like, wow, I don't even know how to use Excel at work, let alone using Excel, you know, for my planning my wedding. But you have those organized wedding planners and then you have wedding planners that just make things happen, right? The point is, you have someone who's in charge of making sure the wedding goes well. Now, when it comes to a marriage, how does this apply to a marriage? When it comes to a marriage, it's your job to make sure it goes well, right? And same with the wedding, it's your job to make sure it goes
20:23 Jay Shetty? well. But just as we have wedding planners, we need marriage mentors. We genuinely do. We need people in our life who are role models for us, people that we admire, people that we know are not perfect, but they're real. People who have a genuine, loving, trusting relationship with each other and keep reminding us of what worked for them, what didn't work for them, what challenges they've had. And you can preempt so much, right? I've got so many friends and remember, a marriage mentor isn't someone who sits down with you and says, okay, here's class number one, right? Here is class number two. Like, that's, that's not necessarily a marriage mentor. A marriage mentor is also learning from someone who's been married for
21:05 Jay Shetty? a bit longer than you, who you can learn with through hindsight. I've got so many people in my life, so many of my friends who got married before me and them sharing their real challenges and experiences with marriage have helped me so much. They've made such an impact for me, right? They've made such a difference for me. So having people in your life who are slightly further ahead on the journey to actually guide you, to tell you what were the biggest challenges and hurdles when they first got married? What was the biggest challenge when they moved home? What was the biggest challenge when they first had kids? What was the biggest challenge when they moved country? Like, having people in your life who can just give you some of the answers to those questions is such a big part of mentorship.
21:48 Jay Shetty? And so many of us don't have that. And we don't have it in a way that just gives us hindsight or foresight. Like, what we often hear it as is, oh, my God, your life's gonna fall apart when this happens to you, right? And that's not mentorship, that's just being pessimistic. What we need is people who think ahead. So it's really, really interesting and really important to think about who in your life is a marriage mentor, who are the people that you're accountable to? Who are the people that are inspiring you to have an incredible wedding? And ideally, they need to be people close to you, right? It's not just good to have people out there in the world that you don't know. It's good to have people in your locality, people who grew up in the same area as you, people around you. And if you're struggling to find them, look for them deeper because you need it.
22:32 Jay Shetty? You need good role models in order to keep that energy and spark up for yourself. I was at a birthday party recently. And at the birthday party, like, hearing my friend talk about how much he loves his wife, like, when I heard my friend talk about how much he loves his wife, it inspired me, right? It made such a big difference. When I was sitting at my friend's wedding in London recently, I was messaging my wife at the same time, saying, I'm so glad we took these vows together. I'm repeating them to myself right now. Like, for some of you, maybe that may be cheesy or cliché, but my point is, when you're around that energy, you get to reiterate that feeling, you get to relive that emotion, right? You don't need to wait 10 years to renew your vows when you're
23:17 Jay Shetty? at a fancy yacht or a fancy party or whatever it may be. You can renew your vows every time you turn up to a wedding and re-embodied that feeling of what it was like on your wedding day, right? So you continue to build that in your life, right? Weddings need planning, marriages require commitment, right? Weddings need planning, marriages require commitment. Weddings need organization. Marriages require adaptability, right? Weddings need planning and organization. Marriages require adaptability and flexibility. Weddings need a date. Marriages require a lifetime. This is the challenge, right? Weddings need a date. You need to find a date and that might be hard. But trust me, it's a lot harder when you're trying to spend a lifetime together.
24:02 Jay Shetty? And within that, we need to have marriage mentors, people that inspire us, people that are real, people that are not portraying themselves as perfect and having it figured out. But people who can really open up with their biggest challenges. I know that so many of the challenges in my life have been avoided because I've had amazing friends who are honest with me about their own challenges. Now, another thing we need for a wedding is a guest list, right? We all need a guest list. And anyone who's ever had to build a guest list for a wedding knows this for sure. It's hard work. You're like, who do I leave out? Who do we invite? Which event do we invite people to do? Is anyone gonna get offended? Especially anyone who's ever been to an Indian wedding, you know exactly what this is like. It's like, oh my God, you gotta invite your family members, family members, family members.
24:47 Jay Shetty? You gotta invite this random dad's cousin's mom's daughter because they once invited you to an event, right? It's always a complicated affair. Like so often, finding out the guest list for your wedding is one of the most taxing things that you can do. And then don't even get me started on the table seeing. It's like, is this person gonna get offended if I put them next to this person? What about if this person's ex is sitting on that table? What about if this person, you know, whatever it is, like guest lists and table seeings get tough. Now, how does that apply to your marriage? Selecting your guest list is important for your wedding. But selecting your tribe, your community for your marriage is so important. Not just the marriage mentors that are around, but the peers that you wanna grow with, couples that you spend time with, right?
25:32 Jay Shetty? It's so important. We spend so much time curating our table plan. We spend so much time curating our guest list, but we don't even curate often the couples we spend most time with. And you have to realize that so much of couples' connection is contagious, right? It's so contagious.
25:51 Jay Shetty? So studies show that the divorce of a friend or a close relative actually increase the chances that you two will divorce, right? So listen to this correctly. One degree of separation, 75% more likely to divorce. Two degrees of separation, 33% more likely than other couples to divorce, right? Now, what I'm not saying here is, I'm not telling you to not spend time with your friends who are breaking up or divorced. That's not what I'm saying at all. But what I'm saying is that you've got to look at the energy of who's surrounding you. You've got to look at what's around you. It's just more likely to happen. And you've got to look at what you want, of course. If that's what you want, that's great, but it's like, what are you really trying to build? And this is true for so many other things as well, right? So listen to this carefully.
26:36 Jay Shetty? So we also realized in a 2006 paper titled, "Is Having Babies Contagious?", that brothers and sisters are significantly more likely to have a child soon after a sibling gives birth, right? So there's a lot of correlations between these activities and who we're surrounded by. So it's so important that we focus on surrounding ourselves with couples that mirror what we're willing to value and employ and embody in our lives as well. And like I said, we spend so much time, energy and money curating things when it comes to dinners and guest lists and all of that, but how much are we doing that in our lives? This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods Market. If you're talking about quality food, you can't forget Whole Foods Market, who've been
27:20 Jay Shetty? holding themselves to the highest standards since they opened in 1980. That means you'll see thousands of organic products across their stores, from the produce department to the aisles. It also means you'll never see certain ingredients. They've banned artificial sweeteners and colors, high fructose corn syrup and more, so you can shop with peace of mind. Shop Whole Foods Market in-store or online.
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28:16 Jay Shetty? Now, this third one that I wanted to talk to you about.
28:21 Jay Shetty? This is a really interesting one. So weddings need vows. Most people read the vows that you're told to do. Some people write their own vows and you have personal vows, which can be really, really beautiful. But marriages are different. Marriages don't need vows. They need us to follow the vows, right? They don't need us to make promises. They need us to keep promises. They don't need a one-off attempt at saying you feel a certain way. They need consistent gratitude. Weddings need words. Marriages require action. Weddings need a wedding outfit. Marriages require complete transparency, right? So the marriage is demanding more of us. And it's so important that we figure out the ways
29:05 Jay Shetty? in which our partner really likes to be appreciated, really likes to be seen, really likes to be recognized, really likes to be acknowledged. And when we do that, we switch from this living in this world of weddings need vows to recognizing consistent gratitude and thinking about what that truly is, right? And it's so important that we make that a daily habit. Like, how can you make your partner happy on a daily basis? You may have read the most beautiful vows out at your wedding, but what is actually required on a daily basis to make that person feel that you're living up to those vows? Now, that doesn't mean you need to go out and buy a beautiful car every day or like these big gifts or come home with a bunch of roses every day,
29:50 Jay Shetty? like a bouquet of flowers. Like, that's not the, you know, that's not what I'm saying. But it's figuring out what that is, right? Figuring out what that is. And because it's so important, because most people don't take the time to figure out what it is that's needed on a daily basis with their partners, that that's actually one of the biggest struggles that they experience in their life. Now, number four.
30:14 Jay Shetty? Number four is often the boring stuff and the parts that we don't think about. But this really is things like our daily routine, chores and all of that kind of stuff. Now, I remember when I lived as a monk, we actually had a rotor for cleaning services, whether it was the ashram, the monastery, the whether it was the toilets, whether it was the grounds, whether it was being with the animals, whatever it was, it's like there was, you know, there were rotors for everyone. Now, the funny thing is, is that when you move in with someone for the first time, or when you get married to someone, or whatever it may be, have you really figured that kind of stuff out? Like, what household chores
30:56 Jay Shetty? are being split? What time of the day do you like to do different things? Are you expecting to sleep at the same time? Do you both have different ways of going to sleep? Remember, two people are coming from totally different backgrounds, which means you bring two totally different cultures. And the biggest challenge is we feel our culture is right, like the way our parents is right, and the others is wrong. And the truth is, there may be things that are objectively right, but most things are so subjective. The way people eat, the way people talk, the way people think, where people sit, all of these things are so different. And it's so important that we find out what's going to make things work together. This is so often a missed part of building a marriage. See, when it
31:37 Jay Shetty? comes to a wedding, we don't have to think about that wedding, you just hire cleaners and get it all done. But when you're getting married, you've got to do all that stuff yourself, right? So it's so important that you figure that out. You know, which, which country do you live in? Which city do you want to live in? You know, what are your goals about where you want to live? That kind of stuff. It's so important that you clarify that. And the fifth and final thing to think about, which is so important, and I'm going to ask you this question. Besides love, what is your main reason for marrying your partner? Because just love will get you through your wedding day, but just love will not get you through your marriage. Right? It can't just be love. Think about that today.
32:22 Jay Shetty? Besides love, what is your main reason for marrying your partner? And actually, even if you're not married, but you've been in a long-term relationship, you've been dating someone for a while. I want you to pull out your phone. And once you write this out, I want you to message. Actually, what I mean, pull out your phone. You're on your phone while you're listening to this most likely. But I want you to write this message out and I want you to tell them what it is that you love about them. Right? And what apart from love is your reason? It's so important that we really think about that and let the other person know that as well. Because a real relationship is one where we share the same higher goals and the same intention. If two trains are moving in opposite directions, no matter how beautiful they may look when they pass, they're going in opposite directions.
33:06 Jay Shetty? Right? Listen to that carefully. If two trains are moving in opposite directions, no matter how beautiful they may look when they pass, they're going in opposite directions. And so often, we don't know what direction someone's going in. We make the decision to get married or to be with someone without knowing the direction that they want to walk in. That is an integral part of figuring it out. Right? It's so, so integral that we're able to figure that out. I hope this podcast was useful. Like I said, it was inspired by lots of weddings, wedding season. I really think it's an important topic to discuss. I really believe that it's important for all of us, whether in long-term relationships, marriages, or whatever it is.
33:50 Jay Shetty? There are so many simple things that we can do to truly rejuvenate and refuel our relationships. I hope you're gonna try some of these out. Remember, all I want you to do is pick one and try it out for the next week. It will make a huge difference in your life. Thank you so much for listening. My name's Jay Shetty. This is On Purpose. You're amazing.
34:12 Jay Shetty? Thank you so much for listening through to the end of that episode. I hope you're gonna share this all across social media. Let people know that you're subscribed to On Purpose. Let me know, post it, tell me what a difference it's making in your life. I would love to see your thoughts. I can't wait for this incredibly conscious community we're creating of purposeful people. You're now a part of the tribe, a part of the squad. Thank you for being here. I can't wait to share the next episode with you.
34:57 Speaker 01 Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid, and risked 350,000 Virginians' health care to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes, and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, theHouseMajorityPac.com. Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.
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