3 Ways to Know if You are Being Codependent & Why We Should Practice Forgiveness

Today, I will be sharing with you my conversation with Whitney Cummings from her Good For You podcast. In this conversation, we deep-dived into codependency and we also did the Vedic personality test from my book, Think Like A Monk, to help better understand yourself. If you want to pre-order the book, 8 Rules of Love, go to https://8rulesoflove.com/ Key Takeaways: 00:00:00 Intro 00:01:07 Codependency 00:02:52 Giving is selfish 00:04:17 When does self-care become selfish? 00:06:24 Friendship is not obligatory 00:09:28 We all want an answer 00:11:29 Why we choose familiar pain over unfamiliar pain 00:13:19 Vedic Personality Test 00:15:16 Question #1: Which of the following sounds most like what you’re about? 00:16:31 Question #2: What role do you play in your friend circle and family? 00:18:42 Question #3: What is most important to you in a partner? 00:20:52 Question #4: What do you watch most often on TV? 00:25:31 Question #5: What causes you the most pain? 00:29:13 Question #6: What is your favorite way of working? 00:33:51 Question #7: How would your ideal self spend/spare time? 00:36:49 Question #8: How would you describe yourself in 3 words? 00:37:22 Question #9: What type of environment do you work best? 00:38:41 Question #10: How do you prepare for a vacation? 00:40:33 Question #11: How do you feel if you make a mistake? 00:45:23 Question #12: What do you do when you have to make a big decision? 00:46:52 Question #13: Which best describes your daily routine? 00:49:23 Results Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally! Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/ If you want to order my book, Think Like A Monk, go to https://thinklikeamonkbook.com/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet,

• 0:44Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. This episode is brought to you by Vinted. Value can be found anywhere, even in the clothes sitting untouched in our closets. That's where Vinted comes in. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell clothes you no longer want and get more value out of them. Whether you're running out of space, moving, or simply updating your wardrobe. Listing items is a quick and simple process, and once something sells,

• 1:30Jay Shetty?

  Vinted creates a prepaid shipping label for you. And the best part, there are no seller fees, so you keep what you earn. It's a simple way to clear out your closet, be less wasteful, and maybe make some extra money along the way. And if you've been thinking about a wardrobe refresh, this can make it feel a little more worthwhile. You're not just letting go of clothes, you're getting more value from what you already have. Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep every dollar you earn. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating.

• 2:16Jay Shetty?

  And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet, AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and is clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1

• 2:59Jay Shetty?

  Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. Now, today's episode is a bit of a rewind. I had an amazing conversation with the incredible Whitney Cummings. She interviewed me, if you don't know, a phenomenal comedian. I know so many of you must be a fan. And the way she interviewed me was so smart. She actually asked me questions from my book, Think Like a Monk, from the Purpose chapter, and broke it down incredibly well.

• 3:43Jay Shetty?

  So if you want to hear a full-on entertaining, enlightening, and phenomenal conversation with the one and only Whitney Cummings, this episode is for you. What I love about this episode is how open I get, how reflective I get, and hopefully you get to learn a bit more about my journey, especially if you love the book, Think Like a Monk. I know you're gonna love this episode.

• 4:11Speaker 01

  Jay, Shetty, finally, you're here.

• 4:13Jay Shetty?

  I'm so happy to be here. Thank you, Whitney. I'm grateful to be here.

• 4:16Speaker 01

  The thing I really want to start with to frame this conversation with you is that so much of what you talk about is about compassion and kindness and service. And on this podcast, all of you that know me know that I am in recovery. For codependence and a big part of codependence is you give too much of yourself. You become a doormat. You have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. You martyr yourself for people. You know, in codependence, we do the three Ms. Martyr, micromanage, and mother. We rescue people. We self deprive. We give too much, right? Codependence breeds resentment, perfectionism. We're the people that cook a full meal for our whole family, but don't eat anything. And at the end, we're eating scraps over the kitchen sink, right?

• 5:00Speaker 01

  So we are too nice sometimes. And so as I was reading your book, I found myself going, I hope in this conversation, we can sort of talk about how to tell when your compassion and love and forgiveness and kindness, which you talk about so elegantly in your book, how we can develop the skill to delineate when it's codependence and when it's thinking like a monk.

• 5:22Jay Shetty?

  I love that. I'm totally with you on that. And that's such an important point because I think that's the difference. That I think a lot of these words now have become buzzwords.

• 5:31Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 5:32Jay Shetty?

  And they fly around. And because of that, we have a really beginner's understanding of these deep, essential qualities and values. And so we practice them at beginner's level. And at that level, they're still based on wanting validation. They're still based on wanting to fit in. They're still based on wanting to be a part of being dependent or being codependent.

• 5:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:54Jay Shetty?

  They're not coming from a place of internal purification and greatness. So I'm totally with you on that.

• 6:00Speaker 01

  It's about motives. It's really about motives. Like if you find yourself, and if someone were to ask me, like, you know, because I love that you talk about service in this book. It's such a big part of, I think, what is going to fix everything that's broken in our society is to be able to give. And I think people don't understand that giving is actually selfish. You know, I feel like I'm saying this in a way that's grosser, which is why my book probably wasn't the number one bestseller. And his was because I say I sound like a psychopath, which is like, when you give to others, it's selfish. You benefit when you give.

• 6:32Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 6:33Speaker 01

  It's like everybody wins.

• 6:34Jay Shetty?

  Absolutely.

• 6:34Speaker 01

  It's like forgiveness. We forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness, but because we deserve peace. Forgiveness is selfish.

• 6:41Jay Shetty?

  Absolutely, but the intention with which we give defines how deeply we feel it. So let's, let's take for example, two people who want to give in charity this year. One person wants to give it because they really believe that the kids deserve more food and better shelter and better support. The other person gives because they think it will be a good PR story, or they think that it would look good for them to give it.

• 7:00Speaker 01

  Yes, performative activists.

• 7:01Jay Shetty?

  Correct, there you go. So you've got two people, let's say they both give a million dollars each.

• 7:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:06Jay Shetty?

  It's obvious who's gonna feel more joy. Now, bear in mind, the kids benefit off the money either way. But the person giving only receives joy when they did it with the intention of actually serving.

• 7:16Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 7:17Jay Shetty?

  And that's the missing link around giving, because giving isn't just the act of time, money. It's the act of energy and presence and intention.

• 7:26Speaker 01

  And also just taking your mind off yourself. I mean, in 12-step programs, the reason we do service, like honestly, is to take the focus off yourself. Because the more we, and it's tricky, and I find myself struggling with the balance of this, like self-help, self-love, and self, self, self, self, self, self. And when it becomes selfish and when it's selfless, and you know, my brain, I just get so turned around in self-care. All I do is think about myself and take care of myself and myself, and it's just me, me, me, me, me ultimately.

• 7:54Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 7:54Speaker 01

  And when does self-care become selfish? And you do a really good job, I think, for anyone that is confused, laying it out in a way that it's not like. And also for people that, non-Hollywood people, the people that are buying your book, that we're actually, you know, talking to and not amongst, like, who are like, "I have three jobs. All I do is serve."

• 8:13Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah, exactly.

• 8:14Speaker 01

  "I have four kids."

• 8:15Jay Shetty?

  Exactly.

• 8:15Speaker 01

  "I actually need to do less service. I actually need to be less compassionate and take care of myself."

• 8:19Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 8:19Speaker 01

  Like finding that balance.

• 8:20Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, absolutely. And that's what I loved about the monk path that I chose, that the morning was all about the self.

• 8:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:27Jay Shetty?

  And then the rest of the day was about service. And that gives you a really good blueprint around how that works in the sense of, if you've not done something for yourself every day.

• 8:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:36Jay Shetty?

  If you've not taken your time to invest in yourself every day, and that isn't just a... You know, it's, it comes so much from understanding yourself. And understanding yourself comes from the place of knowing yourself and getting to know yourself. And most of us spend so much time codependency, trying to get to know someone else and what their needs are.

• 8:53Speaker 01

  And anticipate their needs and then shapeshift so that I can be what I think you want.

• 8:57Jay Shetty?

  Totally, evolve and.

• 8:59Speaker 01

  My twenties.

• 8:59Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, evolve and transmorph into this person that will be the best for them. But what about if you did that for yourself to start with? And so, most of us don't even know what we want to eat for dinner on a given day. Or like, what our favorite movies are. We struggle, we sit there for like hours trying to figure out what to watch. Because we haven't really got to know ourselves. And so, to me, getting to know yourself is very basic. After you eat a meal, ask yourself, did I enjoy that? What did I like about it? Did I feel great 24 hours after reading it? After watching a movie, what did I like about it? Why did I enjoy it? Those basic questions will give you a much deeper understanding of yourself.

• 9:33Speaker 01

  God, it's so important, Jay. I can't believe, like, it took me so long. I just turned 38. You're September 6th.

• 9:39Jay Shetty?

  I am.

• 9:40Speaker 01

  I'm September 4th.

• 9:40Jay Shetty?

  I know. Beyonce and many others.

• 9:44Speaker 01

  Virgo season. Because I can't believe how much of my life I have spent doing things that I didn't even really want to do and that I didn't. I didn't even know, someone would ask me to go for a hike and I'd be like, sure. Like, I just thought friendships felt obligatory. I just felt they kind of felt like work. I just felt like you kind of had to agree with things that you didn't want to agree with. I just felt like you kind of had to laugh at jokes that weren't funny. Like, I just thought that's what friendship was. Like, I didn't know, like. And reading this book, it really made me stop and go like, okay, I just hang out with that person. Did it fill me up? Do I feel depleted by that person? Do I, when they text me, do I get a pit in my stomach? Am I excited to respond? Or do I, can I just respond whenever I want? Because I had all these friendships that were like, oh, God, she texted me, I need to text her back or she'll be mad.

• 10:24Speaker 01

  That were all about keeping score and that were all about recreating my childhood circumstance of a borderline personality narcissist mother. And you, and I think so few of us just stop and go. Did I enjoy that meal?

• 10:36Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 10:36Speaker 01

  Do I even like these movies? Do I even like this person that I'm hanging out with every day?

• 10:41Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, and it all comes from confirmation bias. So we have this safety mechanism of it's more comfortable for the mind to feel we agree, then create a moment of conflict. So the mind will continuously confirm and surround ourselves with people that confirm our biases, or we confirm theirs for the feeling of comfort. So we feel better when it's like, you tell me you like that blood orange energy drink. So for me, to feel like we fit in and we're gonna get along and we're gonna have a friendship for a long time.

• 11:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:12Jay Shetty?

  I would feel like if I confirmed that bias, I've not tried it before. Then I would feel like I fit in with you. And that's kind of how we were trained as kids.

• 11:19Speaker 01

  We're wired to kind of for harmony.

• 11:21Jay Shetty?

  Correct, we're wired for harmony, but we look to harmonize over the wrong thing.

• 11:24Speaker 01

  We harm, and then what happens? This isn't our case, but then you say you like this, and I'm like, great, and then I like this, and now you just made a friend that you don't want.

• 11:30Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, totally.

• 11:31Speaker 01

  Stop it.

• 11:31Jay Shetty?

  And now every time I come here, you give me this drink.

• 11:33Speaker 01

  Yes, and now you have to drink it. It's just sort of like, it's dishonest. And I think that that served us really well in tribal times when we needed safety from the tribes before alarm systems and locks on doors, because we needed safety from everyone, right? But now, these are these like obsolete tools that are frankly liabilities. Like, to me, I see an epidemic of just being too nice.

• 11:55Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 11:55Speaker 01

  Creating harmony with toxic people does not benefit you.

• 11:59Jay Shetty?

  No, and over dishonest things, I think that's really important, that you can connect. And, and also, when you're looking at a thing, or an object, or a like, or a dislike to connect.

• 12:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:09Jay Shetty?

  It's a pretty, uh, it's pretty shallow ground to connect on, because you may change your mind about that drink tomorrow.

• 12:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:14Jay Shetty?

  And now we're talking about drinks, but you may change your mind on a hobby, you may change your mind on an interest, you may change your mind on an activity. But usually, people stay pretty grounded to values and qualities, and that's kind of, this confirmation bias has just created so many issues, because we also go around and look for people who confirm our biases. So then we get into this bubble and this cloud of thinking.

• 12:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:37Jay Shetty?

  That we can't break.

• 12:38Speaker 01

  You're making me realize something, I think that is just, we all can look at, we are, we love black and white thinking, because humans love, we want an answer, even if it's the wrong answer.

• 12:47Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it's so true.

• 12:48Speaker 01

  So that we have some semblance of control, and I'm in this new relationship. And I find myself wanting to, it's not a relationship, what am I saying? Black and white thinking, it's somewhere in between. We're not dating and we're not together. I want so badly to feel safe, my inner child needs an answer so bad. That I'm like, do you like to travel or do you not like to travel? And he'll be like, well, it depends on where I'm traveling. And I'm like, well, what's the, you know? And so do you cheat or do you not cheat? And he's like, well, it's different with me. None of these answers are going to apply to me because this is a new situation. But it's made me realize how anxious, you know, preoccupied and how much I perseverate and how much my inner child panics when she doesn't have an answer.

• 13:28Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 13:29Speaker 01

  And I think if we just acknowledge, like you talk about in this book and are being so elegant about it now. If we just acknowledge our need for the polarity, we can then release it. It's just like even the awareness of knowing.

• 13:41Jay Shetty?

  Totally, and we're all so much more proportions and percentages in different scenarios than we are one or the other. And it's the same thing I say to people when they're like, oh Jay, you know, I don't know if my intention is completely pure or if it's material or spiritual, I'm like, we're both.

• 13:54Speaker 01

  All of it.

• 13:55Jay Shetty?

  Like it's all of it, like me too, like we all are, like you're just, you're always trying to move in the right direction. The problem is we're addicted to a right decision, right? And that's the problem, like we're just trying to move into the right direction. We're just moving closer to that. And as long as you're moving closer in the right direction with someone, with yourself, with whatever it is that you're learning, don't give so much emphasis to the decision, that the direct answer, you know, the destination, all of that kind of. You're so right about what you just said about the child and so many of us not having had clarity as young people about where we stood with our parents or where we stood with our partners. And now we demand what we did or didn't get from our parents in our relationships.

• 14:36Speaker 01

  It's the unfinished business, you know? It's sort of like, it took me so long to stop recreating my childhood circumstances because I think we have this subconscious pull, obviously, to recreate the neurochemical cocktail that's comfortable for us. It's like when you see someone in a crazy relationship, you're like, how do they deal with that all day? They're in a cocoon, they are so comfortable doing it, that is all they know. It's like the devil, you know? And I find myself recreating my childhood. Circumstances and yes, trying to basically just heal that wound, heal that wound. Who's gonna heal it? Who's gonna fix it? And it's there, no one, you have to do it.

• 15:11Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, there's a beautiful statement that you reminded me of by a monk named Thich Nhat Hanh. He's incredible and he said that we choose familiar pain over unfamiliar pain. Every time we just repeat it because that familiar pain gives us a feeling of safety, of security, of like, I know what pain I'm going to feel. And I'd rather keep repeating it than maybe venture out into this new land of unfamiliar pain, which I don't know what it feels like.

• 15:39Speaker 01

  It's comfortable.

• 15:40Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it's comfortable.

• 15:40Speaker 01

  It's like that pair of heels that always gives you a blister. I got the Band-Aid. Like, it's amazing how, and I think that I'm glad that we're talking about this because we are so adaptable. Like, there's so many people that reach out to me and they're like, is it too late for me to change? Is it too late for me to go to Al-Anon meetings? Is it too late for me to stop being jealous and possessive and a love addict or a sex addict or whatever? And I'm like, dude, we think about how quickly you adjusted to those sandals that are giving you blisters. You were like, just put in a Band-Aid and I'm just gonna take them off after an hour at the wedding. Like, we actually can adjust so quickly.

• 16:12Jay Shetty?

  That is a great analogy. I'm gonna, I'm gonna share that now from now on. I love that one. I'm gonna be like, yeah, Whitney and me, we're like, yeah, this was, that is a brilliant analogy. I love it.

• 16:20Speaker 01

  You're gonna talk about blisters.

• 16:21Jay Shetty?

  I'm gonna talk about blisters and heels.

• 16:23Speaker 01

  Everyone's like, oh, okay.

• 16:24Jay Shetty?

  I'm checking on my shoes.

• 16:25Speaker 01

  When I wear heels, you'll really fit in in Hollywood. Okay, there's a Vedic personality test in your book. Will you tell me about it?

• 16:33Jay Shetty?

  So when I lived as a monk and we studied the Vedas, I came across this incredible concept named Dharma. And Dharma is very difficult to translate into English, but when you do it, the closest things are eternal purpose and inherent nature, or your natural inclination. And those are things, it's almost like, well, what is your natural, most effortless, flow-filled state?

• 16:57Jay Shetty?

  That you can live by, that you feel fulfilled in.

• 16:59Speaker 01

  Right.

• 16:59Jay Shetty?

  And so, when you break that down, you get, Dharma basically equates to an equation, which is passion plus strengths plus compassion. What is at the center of all of that? That is Dharma. And so, the personality test that I give is to help people, and I've loved. So first of all, there is no personality test or astrological chart that's gonna give you the answer that you need, but they're good indicators and signatures.

• 17:24Speaker 01

  Are you trying to say astrology is not a science, Jay?

• 17:28Jay Shetty?

  I mean, it is a science.

• 17:29Speaker 01

  Blasphemy!

• 17:30Jay Shetty?

  But I'm not sure how many people can do it properly. But this personality test was put in there to help people get closer to the answer. And that's what I think all of these tools do. It's just about moving you in the right direction.

• 17:39Speaker 01

  But you're making me realize, like, I wanna do a couple of these.

• 17:42Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, let's do it.

• 17:43Speaker 01

  Has anyone done this? Has anyone given you the Vedic personality test?

• 17:46Jay Shetty?

  I've done it on my own.

• 17:47Speaker 01

  But publicly?

• 17:47Jay Shetty?

  Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, great, oh, let's do it. Oh, great, oh, great, yeah, I love that.

• 17:51Speaker 01

  I, this is, I just love this book because it's like, it's real tools. I'm sorry, there's a lot of like, buy a crystal water bottle and your life will get better. Like, what are you talking about? Like, use charcoal toothpaste and you'll find your soulmate. Like, this is actual, like, how to rewire your brain, how to get to know yourself better with actual tools, instead of just like, random quotes that are always attributed to Oscar Wilde, even though he didn't say half that, and we know it. Okay, you're gonna answer these questions as who you believe you are at the core, beyond what friends, family, or society have made you choose. Which of the following sounds, and I want you guys to follow along and take this quiz with us.

• 18:24Jay Shetty?

  I like it.

• 18:25Speaker 01

  Which of the following sounds most like what you're about? Values and wisdom, integrity and perfection, work hard, play hard, or stability and balance?

• 18:34Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, so very important question. I'm gonna add a caveat to help everyone out as well, seeing as this is the first time everyone's doing it publicly with us.

• 18:40Speaker 01

  Yes, everyone's follow along, get your pen and paper.

• 18:42Jay Shetty?

  Is, is, you're not trying to answer it as what your job's made you, you're not trying to answer it as what you've become because of something. Like, sometimes we become something because we had to become it to be more successful. You wanna answer it at your core, and the closer you get, and that's hard, I get that, that's, that's not easy to do. But the more you keep asking yourself the question, sometimes they say to this, like, the first thing you think of is you. That's actually not true. It's, it's actually, you need more stillness, silence, and solitude, and space to actually slow down a bit and go, well, what am I really? And it's also not your ideal self. So that's the other mistake. See, extremes, again, we oscillate between our society self and our ideal self. So then people answer it as like, oh, yeah, that's the one I wanna be, so. This episode is brought to you by Indeed. I know how important every hire is for a business.

• 19:27Jay Shetty?

  If you need to make the right hire, this is a job for sponsored jobs. Indeed sponsored jobs helps find quality candidates when you need the most. You can reach who you need based on whatever criteria you're looking for, like skills, certifications, or location. In fact, people are finding quality hires on Indeed right now. In the minute I've been talking to you, companies like yours made 27 hires on Indeed, according to Indeed data worldwide. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit at indeed.com/podcast. That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs.

• 20:13Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Wayfair. Home should be a place that feels like a sanctuary, a space that truly reflects who you are. But it can be challenging to balance style, budget, and endless options. I was looking to create a dedicated calm space for my morning meditation and reading, but I was struggling to find pieces that felt grounding but could also stand up to daily use. I went on Wayfair and found a beautiful, solid wood accent chair and a bookshelf. Now that corner is my favorite place to anchor my day. The quality is incredible, it's built to last, and it completely shifted the energy of the room. Plus, you can shop with Wayfair Verified, where product specialists carefully vet items for quality and functionality, so you can shop with more confidence. And if putting it all together sounds like a headache,

• 20:58Jay Shetty?

  Wayfair can handle delivery, installation, and assembly. Join Wayfair Rewards today to get 5% back on every purchase and start saving on your next home upgrade. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods Market. If you're talking about quality food, you can't forget Whole Foods Market, who've been holding themselves to the highest standards since they opened in 1980. That means you'll see thousands of organic products across their stores, from the produce department to the aisles. It also means you'll never see certain ingredients. They've banned artificial sweeteners and colors,

• 21:43Jay Shetty?

  high fructose corn syrup and more, so you can shop with peace of mind. Shop Whole Foods Market in-store or online. It's not that either.

• 21:51Speaker 01

  As I'm looking at this, woo! I was like, well, this is what my dad would have wanted. My dad would have wanted work hard, play hard. And I was gonna pick work hard, play hard. It should be work hard, cry hard.

• 22:06Jay Shetty?

  That's a good one.

• 22:06Speaker 01

  But I think I'm values and wisdom.

• 22:09Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, and so I am too.

• 22:11Speaker 01

  Oh, this is a good one. What role do you play in your friend's circle and family? A, I am comfortable dealing with conflict and helping people find middle ground. My role is the mediator. B, I make sure everything and everyone is taken care of. My role is the protector. I feel like that might be me. I have, I help my family understand work ethic, hustle, and the value of having resources. My role is material support. I think I'm that now. Hit my Venmo. D, I focus on nurturing and wanting a healthy and content family. My role is emotional support.

• 22:41Jay Shetty?

  So I'll give it again, another, another side note for everyone who's watching and listening. You probably do all four of these.

• 22:47Speaker 01

  I was gonna say, I'm so glad we're doing this together because I picked five different ones and now that you're here.

• 22:52Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, we can talk about it, that's our point. So, so you're gonna feel, and especially when you read these, you're always going to feel like you're everything. And the reason for that is we've never really spent the time to think about who we really are.

• 23:03Speaker 01

  And also I shape-shift and I'm different based on who I'm with and who people want me to be.

• 23:07Jay Shetty?

  Correct. And so you wanna pull back again and go, I am all four, but in which order am I, right? So you wanna break it down and be like, well, which one do I prioritize the first? So I'll give an example. It's almost like if you were put into a situation where you had to make a choice, which one do you say, this is the first thing I think about, right? This is the first thing I think about when it comes to my family. So if you heard, if someone called you up and said, I wanna tell you something about your family, which is the first thing that you think of that comes to your mind?

• 23:36Speaker 01

  Would you mediate? Would you protect? Would you material support or emotional support?

• 23:39Jay Shetty?

  Correct. Like which one do you feel drawn to play as a role?

• 23:42Speaker 01

  First and most.

• 23:43Jay Shetty?

  Correct, first and most, because you are all of them, we all are.

• 23:46Speaker 01

  I think protector.

• 23:48Jay Shetty?

  Right.

• 23:48Speaker 01

  I'm, I'm like vicious about that.

• 23:50Jay Shetty?

  I'm the mediator.

• 23:51Speaker 01

  Really?

• 23:51Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I'm the mediator. I have been since I was a kid.

• 23:54Speaker 01

  You're Switzerland, you're neutral. Is that it? Like you're kind of-

• 23:57Jay Shetty?

  No, I wouldn't say I'm neutral. I would say that I'm, yeah, maybe, I guess that's the definition of neutral.

• 24:02Speaker 01

  Or nonjudgmental.

• 24:03Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 24:03Speaker 01

  You're the one that can see all sides.

• 24:05Jay Shetty?

  I try to, yeah. I've always been that way and that really annoys my family. Because people in my family would be like, "Well, why don't you see it from my side more than you see it from their side?"

• 24:12Speaker 01

  Oh, you must be a nightmare.

• 24:13Jay Shetty?

  I am a nightmare, I'm terrible. Terrible to have a family. Terrible to have a monk in the family.

• 24:17Speaker 01

  There's no way you can ever be right.

• 24:19Jay Shetty?

  Excommunicate me, yeah.

• 24:20Speaker 01

  I was gonna say, there's no way you can win a fight with a monk. What is most important to you in a partner? Number A, literacy. A, honest and smart. B, strong presence and power. C, fun and dynamic. D, reliable and respectful.

• 24:34Jay Shetty?

  E, all of the above. No, that's not-

• 24:36Speaker 01

  E, good credit.

• 24:37Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, that's not-

• 24:39Jay Shetty?

  Neither of them are on there. Again, you want all four.

• 24:43Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 24:43Jay Shetty?

  But again, and therefore, a lot of relationships come down into two areas.

• 24:47Speaker 01

  Where we get to the polygamy part of Jay's philosophy.

• 24:51Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, that's, that's chapter 13.

• 24:53Speaker 01

  Now we'll talk about Mormonism.

• 24:55Jay Shetty?

  Didn't make the book. But that's important because the two sides of that are, in a relationship, you have priorities and preferences. Right? There are things that you will prioritize that you really want in someone. And then there have to be preferences where you're like, "That's a bonus, I like that," but it's not all gonna be there.

• 25:11Speaker 01

  Would be nice.

• 25:12Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, would be nice. Exactly.

• 25:13Speaker 01

  Would be nice, not essential. I wanted to say A, honest and smart.

• 25:17Jay Shetty?

  Yep.

• 25:18Speaker 01

  And that is super important to me, but strong presence and power, I'm embarrassed to admit it and I'm ashamed, but I do lose attraction to people if they're not powerful. Like, I like to feel-

• 25:31Jay Shetty?

  You shouldn't be ashamed of that.

• 25:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:33Jay Shetty?

  You shouldn't be embarrassed about that at all.

• 25:34Speaker 01

  Okay. Tall.

• 25:35Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 25:36Speaker 01

  All I care about is tall. I'm shell.

• 25:37Jay Shetty?

  Sure. But you should-

• 25:38Speaker 01

  No, but I need, I do need someone who feels powerful, who I feel protected by. I'm just looking for a father.

• 25:44Jay Shetty?

  But that's, yeah, but- I get it, but you definitely shouldn't feel embarrassed about it.

• 25:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:50Jay Shetty?

  And I think that's partly what it is, is that when we do these activities, we kind of look for the one that makes us feel the most comfortable and happy, rather than the one that's actually true. And that's why we attract the wrong people into our life. And that's why we spend 10 years with someone and we're not sure they're the right person, but because they looked good on paper and Tinder and all the rest of it.

• 26:08Speaker 01

  As I'm taking this quiz, I'm trying to impress Jay with a good answer, instead of saying the truth.

• 26:14Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, and the truth impresses me more than the impressive answer.

• 26:18Speaker 01

  That's the irony, is that people like you so much more. Well, like, when you're trying to get validation from people, the irony is trying to get it and being unctuous is what's repellent.

• 26:25Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 26:26Speaker 01

  So just being honest is what makes people like you.

• 26:28Jay Shetty?

  And all...

• 26:29Speaker 01

  It took me so long to realize that.

• 26:30Jay Shetty?

  And all of these ideas have been planted in our minds.

• 26:32Speaker 01

  This is a good question that I struggled with answering. What do you watch most often on TV? A, documentaries, biographies, and human observations. B, entertainment, politics, current affairs. C, comedy, sport, drama, motivational stories. D, soap operas, reality TV, family gossip daytime shows.

• 26:46Jay Shetty?

  Mm-hmm.

• 26:47Speaker 01

  And I'm curious if the motive matters, because I definitely watch documentaries, biographies the most, but it's because I'm insecure about my intelligence. It's embarrassing to admit, but I watch TV as a way to try to get smarter, to try to get information, to try to be interesting, and to try, because my biggest fear in life is being boring.

• 27:04Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 27:04Speaker 01

  In a conversation, or not knowing something that someone else knows, and, or like, having the FOMO in a group where everyone's seen something and I haven't. So it's like, if everyone's watching a documentary, I'm like, I have to watch it, so that I'm not left out. So, does it matter that that's why I watch? Pick A?

• 27:19Jay Shetty?

  No, because it's mixed again. So what I heard in there is there was a lot of values and wisdom there. Like, you want to have more knowledge, you want to have more insight. Now, the reason you want to have it isn't perfect, but that's not bad. It's still a great, it's better to be informed than uninformed.

• 27:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:32Jay Shetty?

  So you're winning already, but I think all of us have to move in our values. So, I'll give it, this is going to sum it up really beautifully. In the Bhagavad Gita, there's three intentions behind everything. And they're either the mode of ignorance, the mode of passion, or the mode of goodness. So there are these three modes that any action, any habit, any intention can be done in. So the mode of ignorance is when you do things out of fear or anxiety. The mode of passion is when you do things for desire or result. And the mode of goodness is when you do things from love or compassion.

• 28:05Speaker 01

  Right.

• 28:06Jay Shetty?

  Or curiosity, like that, that kind of like love or thirst. And so in that, our, most of us, including me, our, our, our state of being is very mode of ignorance. We do most of what we do out of fear and anxiety. And the problem with that is, is that when you do something out of fear and anxiety, it doesn't suddenly transform into love and compassion, or joy, or meaning or purpose. It stays that way and continues to perpetuate that cycle of needing to get more of that fear and anxiety. So that's something that we can push and upgrade from. So next time you want to do something and you're watching a documentary, be like, all right, right now I'm starting this by doing it because I'm scared of not looking smart or not being conversationalist. But actually, you know what? This time, I'm going to intentionally change my intention to be, because I'm going to do it,

• 28:50Jay Shetty?

  because I just love being informed and I want to be informed so I can share this. And you literally do that intentionally and you will see how your experience changes. It's, it's that metaphysical, like literally sitting there and just literally walking yourself through it and changing your mindset around something can change your experience of it. As soon as you feel guilty or judge yourself or criticize yourself, you actually start losing energy to that. And that's the same energy that's going to help you get out of that. And so as, as monks, it was almost like you would laugh when you'd catch yourself letting the monkey mind go loose. And so in the beginning of the book, as we got the monkey mind and the monk mind, the monk mind almost laughs when it notices the monkey and goes, ah, okay, I saw you. I see you. I see you, my fear. I see ego. I see what you're trying to do there.

• 29:34Jay Shetty?

  And it's that kind of like fun, playful spotting. It's almost like you just saw your dog running around outside and you're like, I see you.

• 29:39Speaker 01

  I can't stay mad at you, you silly goose.

• 29:41Jay Shetty?

  Exactly.

• 29:42Speaker 01

  I love that. And that's something we do in twelve step programs is you befriend your character defects because they are trying to protect you. They're trying to help you. It's like when your dog goes out and barks at the mailman and you're like, you know, it's not a threat, but the dog is just trying to protect you, you know? And so.

• 29:58Jay Shetty?

  And the off chance that the dog's right when it isn't the mailman, like.

• 30:01Speaker 01

  Yes, because sometimes those, those tools worked really well and there were real threats back in the day. And those tools, weapons were very necessary, but they just, they're now obsolete. Like the war is over, right? As we say in program, the war is over, you lost. I love that, like, just sort of having levity around the, your negative inner monologue, or your negative thoughts, like, you don't have to take them seriously, they don't have to, it's like watching Star Wars, or it's, it's, it's just a, it's just a science fiction movie.

• 30:28Jay Shetty?

  Totally.

• 30:28Speaker 01

  I'm not good enough, he doesn't like me, I suck, I'm gonna be alone forever, like, you, they, those don't have to be true, it's like a, oh, those are just crazy thoughts and they're silly, and...

• 30:36Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 30:37Speaker 01

  I love that, and, and yeah, and what we do in, you know, program is if you have a character defect, sometimes you name them, like, your selfishness has a name, and you're like, hey, Bill, like, what are you doing here today? Oh, you wanna come say hi? Like, I don't need you today, I'm good, you know, you can sit back on the bench, like, don't need you in the game today, you know?

• 30:53Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I love that, I love that, yeah, and 12-step program's amazing, it's so well-designed from a human psychology point of view, and it's just, that naming people's voices in your head is brilliant.

• 31:03Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 31:04Jay Shetty?

  It's so important making them characters, because then, otherwise you think they're you, that's the point, that's the whole point of it, yeah.

• 31:09Speaker 01

  I love you. What causes you the most pain? A, feeling like I don't live up to my own expectations, B, the state of the world, C, a sense of rejection, D, feeling disconnected from friends and family?

• 31:20Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, that's a big one, repeat the first one again?

• 31:23Speaker 01

  Feeling like I don't live up to my own expectations.

• 31:26Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, is that the first one?

• 31:27Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 31:28Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah, that can be mine.

• 31:29Speaker 01

  That's yours, you think?

• 31:30Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, that's definitely mine.

• 31:31Speaker 01

  What causes you the most pain? This is a tricky one, being rejected by men I don't even like? Um, yeah.

• 31:41Jay Shetty?

  That one?

• 31:42Speaker 01

  Feeling like I don't live up to my own expectations.

• 31:44Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, that's definitely my one.

• 31:45Speaker 01

  But, but, my own expectations are outrageous. They're ridiculous.

• 31:51Jay Shetty?

  But that's why we shouldn't feel that bad.

• 31:53Speaker 01

  Uh, yeah, and, by the way, I've achieved most of them against all odds. I should just be, like, thinking I'm awesome.

• 32:01Jay Shetty?

  You should.

• 32:02Speaker 01

  And instead, I'm like, I achieved that impossible thing, but I was wearing the wrong shirt.

• 32:06Jay Shetty?

  Oh, yeah.

• 32:06Speaker 01

  And I had sweat stains.

• 32:08Jay Shetty?

  Gave a terrible speech.

• 32:09Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 32:10Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, gave a terrible speech.

• 32:11Speaker 01

  You get, or I'll go like, like, you killed with that speech, and then I'll be like, oh, God, how much attention do you need? How desperate, like, ugh.

• 32:18Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, we do that, like, constantly, and it's just like, it's just so...

• 32:21Speaker 01

  Roasting myself.

• 32:22Jay Shetty?

  Roasting yourself, you've just reminded me of one of my favorite stories that, that actually I didn't put in the book, it's, uh, it's a story told by the Buddha.

• 32:30Speaker 01

  I have a feeling you'll get another offer for a book, I have a feeling you'll have a sequel here.

• 32:34Jay Shetty?

  It's a, it's a story that the Buddha used to tell. And in this story, it's like this person comes across a river and it's a fast flowing river. And the person wants to get across to get to their destination. And so they're looking at it and going, okay, well, what do I do? What do I do? What do I do? And they start noticing that there's some bamboo sticks around, there's, they can find some robe, they can find some things to make a little raft. So they start gathering all of this stuff, laying it on top of each other, trying to tie it all up together. And they finally create this raft and then they create a little oar with a stick. And then they go onto the water and they get to the other side. And when they get to the other side, they go, this person says, oh, wow, this, this raft literally saved my life. Like this raft is amazing. Without this raft, I would never have crossed this river.

• 33:16Jay Shetty?

  And so what they do is they strap the raft to their, to their back because they're like, I have to take this raft with me because it's so important to me. And so they start walking, start walking, start walking. And now as they walk away, they now come to one of the most wooded lands in the world. So all these trees are in front of them. And they start trying to get through and they realize that they can't get through because this raft is strapped to their back. And they're trying to like maneuver and swish through. And then they come to a realization, the person realizes that actually this raft that got them here is not going to help them go through this. And they have to let go of the raft. They have to let go of the thing that actually saved them in the past or helped them get through the past because it's no longer relevant today. And, and the Buddha obviously goes on to tell us that that's our habits, that's our mindsets.

• 34:00Jay Shetty?

  That's even our skills and our strengths. We may have had something that saved us five years ago, 10 years ago. But don't hold on to it because you think it's still useful. Because actually it could make your life a living hell, like trying to get a raft through the wooded land would actually be a lot harder.

• 34:16Speaker 01

  But what if there's another river? Then you'll build another raft.

• 34:18Jay Shetty?

  Then you build another raft. That's the point.

• 34:19Speaker 01

  You'll cross that bridge.

• 34:20Jay Shetty?

  You'll figure it out again because you know you've done it before. So that you can always go back to, but sometimes you have to leave behind the tools or at least put them back in the toolkit for now. And learn another tool or learn another approach. And I think that's what 12 step is. That's what this is. That's, everything we're discussing is just us going. Oh, well, there may be a tool that I haven't yet got in my toolbox that's going to help me.

• 34:41Speaker 01

  Which is why we say one day at a time. Because you go, not yesterday, not tomorrow. What about just now?

• 34:45Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 34:46Speaker 01

  Right, you know, so stop trying to solve problems or anticipate problems from five days from now.

• 34:50Jay Shetty?

  Beautiful.

• 34:50Speaker 01

  And you can't stay clean on the shower you took yesterday. What is your favorite way of working? A, alone but with mentors and guides. B, in a team as a leader. C, independently but with a strong network. D, in a team as a member.

• 35:05Speaker 01

  See, I have this constitutional need to be special. And I'm like, none of these apply to me because I'm so special, which is mean.

• 35:12Jay Shetty?

  I'm glad you said that.

• 35:13Speaker 01

  Which is important. It's a big part of the addictive personality to go, no one understands me. No one knows the kind of pain I'm in. I'm so unique. No one will ever get me, which is why I need to do this addictive behavior. And I'm different. So I had, I'm having a little bit of that.

• 35:26Jay Shetty?

  That's good.

• 35:27Speaker 01

  I'm having a little bit of it come up right now. I would say, well, because I'm like, I do this weird job where I do stand up and it's. So I would say it would be independently, but with a strong network. Because I do what I do independently, but I couldn't do it without the fans and the audience. So.

• 35:41Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it's, this, this question is all about the energy that you thrive in. So a lot of people, for example, feel the pressure today to be leaders or entrepreneurs or CEOs, because almost like there's this influx of like excitement in the industry today of seeing more people be founders. And now everyone thinks they have to be a founder or everyone thinks they have to be a YouTuber, because that's the cool thing. And so, so it's like everyone wants to be the front of house.

• 36:05Speaker 01

  Interesting.

• 36:05Jay Shetty?

  When actually, a lot of us thrive being Steven Spielberg, right? Or a lot of us thrive being the person behind the camera. A lot of us thrive being the two wonderful people that we have here today.

• 36:15Speaker 01

  What we call worker bees. Like, that's what we call, that's what my therapist always says. She's like, be a worker bee. You don't always, you have my matchbox of bees?

• 36:22Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 36:22Speaker 01

  You don't always have to be the face or the hero of everything. Sometimes you're not the best qualified.

• 36:28Jay Shetty?

  Totally.

• 36:29Speaker 01

  Everyone is sort of the queen bee of their, of, there's, everyone's a. What did you say? Everyone's the singer.

• 36:36Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 36:36Speaker 01

  Just the band looks different, do you know what I mean?

• 36:38Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, that's interesting, yeah.

• 36:39Speaker 01

  Like, my producer's a singer, like, everyone's a singer, there's no background. It's just a different dynamic.

• 36:44Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, and I definitely see total value in that mindset. And then you see it the way that people can apply it to their life. So there's this great conversation between Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs. And they acted out in the movie that they made. And so Steve Wozniak, and I'm a big Steve Jobs fan. And if you haven't read Walter Isaacson's book on him, it's amazing.

• 37:02Speaker 01

  It's amazing.

• 37:03Jay Shetty?

  And so Steve Wozniak's looking at Steve Jobs and having an argument. And he says to Steve Jobs, he goes, "Well, what do you even do?" And imagine looking at Steve Jobs and going, "What do you even do?" And Steve Wozniak goes, "You're not an engineer, you're not a coder, you're not an artist, you're not a marketer," whatever he says, he says, "What do you even do?" And Steve Jobs says, "Musicians play their instruments, I play the orchestra."

• 37:24Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 37:24Jay Shetty?

  And it's that understanding of the unique strength of like, there may be the best violin player, or there may be the best string quartet there. But his role was not being good at any of those. He doesn't know how to play the violin, or the viola, or the whatever it is. He knows how to bring it together. And I think that's what we get confused by sometimes, is that we see the people on the front cover of magazines, or the front of the show, and we think, "That's who I need to be, to be happy or successful."

• 37:49Speaker 01

  It takes 50 people to make them that person. And you know, and it took me, you know, I made a movie. I kept thinking, "I'm directing a movie, I'm directing a movie, I'm starring in the movie." And you think, "I'm the most important person here." I have all this pressure on me. The most important person on a movie set is the sound engineer. Someone who they will never know his or her name necessarily. They are the most important person on a movie. You don't realize it till you get in post. You know? Costume, most important. So, you know, I think that we are, I'm so glad you brought that up, because we are in such like a me moment. I'm, everyone can, it's becoming more democratic.

• 38:27Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 38:27Speaker 01

  The fame and wealth and rising to fame. And yeah, everything's a team. And you have to be able to play well with others and respect other people's conversations.

• 38:35Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, and actually, as talent, you'll respect your team more, because you'll realize the value they bring. When you know your Vedic personality type and your Dharma.

• 38:43Speaker 01

  And by the way, we're seeing, sorry, more and more, the people who don't understand that are getting canceled.

• 38:49Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 38:50Speaker 01

  It's like, it's the jig is up.

• 38:51Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 38:51Speaker 01

  You know what I mean? Like, the people who are now, there's that human resources department will really get ya.

• 38:58Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I'm the top one again in this.

• 38:59Speaker 01

  You're alone but with mentors and guides.

• 39:01Jay Shetty?

  Correct. I, I function best when I have a lot of space, when I have a lot of stillness, when I'm alone, when I'm working with myself, and I can tap into like people who've really excelled in their fields. And by the way, for a long period of time, that was just books. Like, I grew up reading biographies and autobiographies because that's all I had access to growing up. So I loved reading about MLK and Malcolm X and Steve Jobs and David Beckham, who was the first autobiography I read. And it was just, yeah, and it's just, you know, I was, I was drawn towards real life stories because I couldn't ask them myself.

• 39:31Speaker 01

  How would your ideal self spend spare time? A, reading and deep discussion and reflecting. B, learning about issues and/or attending political events. Ooh. C, there's no such thing as spare time. Networking, connecting, working. That's mine. D, enjoying time with family and friends. Mine would be there's no such thing as spare time. Networking, connecting, working. That's mine. I have shame around it, but it's the truth.

• 39:55Jay Shetty?

  But there's no shame in it.

• 39:56Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 39:57Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, there's no shame in it. It's fine.

• 39:58Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 39:59Jay Shetty?

  It's who you are.

• 39:59Speaker 01

  You're right. You're right. The idea is to get to know your authentic self, not judge your authentic self.

• 40:04Jay Shetty?

  And then decide whether you want to.

• 40:06Speaker 01

  Then I can actually address it.

• 40:07Jay Shetty?

  Correct, yeah.

• 40:08Speaker 01

  Then.

• 40:09Jay Shetty?

  Otherwise, what we do is we make our intentional and ideal self feel like who we are, right? So what we do is we go, okay, that's the one I feel embarrassed about being?

• 40:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:20Jay Shetty?

  So I'm actually just gonna say I'm my ideal self in my heart because that's the one I'm really trying to be. So I'll give an example of what I mean by that. There's a, there's a really good study that I share in the book about the good Samaritans. So the good Samaritans, obviously trained to be good people and do good in the world and be kind of people. They're told that they have to give a speech on being a good Samaritan, and they have to go from their classroom in building A to the exam room in building B where they'll be tested and have to give this speech. But they're told literally like 15 minutes before they have to do it. So they're all stressing out. So they're stressing out, they're stressing out, they're stressing out. They run down the building, they're trying to run across to their exam room because they're told you've got 15 minutes, you've got to give this speech. They're practicing on the way and someone with a really hurt leg is lying on the floor.

• 41:05Jay Shetty?

  The decoy, it's not real.

• 41:06Speaker 01

  Right.

• 41:06Jay Shetty?

  And there's someone with a hurt leg lying on the floor and they found that over fifty percent of the good Samaritans ignored the person who is in pain on the floor to go and give a speech about being a good Samaritan. So they didn't actually do the act of being a good Samaritan. And that's what happens when our intention of being a higher self doesn't match with the action of being a higher self. And so when you address it and you say, actually, you know what? I should have stopped and taken care of that person and helped them up and, you know, been better to them and, okay, well, then I can change to become that. But if you just ignore it and go, oh, yeah, but I know what the value is. I know what the higher value is. Does that make sense?

• 41:41Speaker 01

  Yes, total sense. No, I was just, my comedian brain kicked in.

• 41:44Jay Shetty?

  Go on.

• 41:45Speaker 01

  And I was just like, how good of an actor was the person pretending to be in pain?

• 41:50Jay Shetty?

  Oh, you're like, they were terrible actor, yeah.

• 41:51Speaker 01

  Like, ow! I was like, what's that guy doing?

• 41:53Jay Shetty?

  Oh, true. They were just, you know, that is a really good point. I think, I think you should make sure that you go into these studies and make sure they pick good actors. If the casting was terrible.

• 42:03Speaker 01

  Oh, my leg! And everyone was like, I have to go make a speech. I'll come back later and do this weird long form improv with you.

• 42:10Jay Shetty?

  That is brilliant. That is brilliant. I love that. That is brilliant. I've never thought of that. All along, it was the bad acting.

• 42:18Speaker 01

  It's hard to pretend that you're in pain.

• 42:20Jay Shetty?

  It was the bad acting.

• 42:20Speaker 01

  Because when you're really in pain, you're just kind of quiet and sort of sit there.

• 42:24Jay Shetty?

  It was the bad acting.

• 42:25Speaker 01

  I was like, bye, leg!

• 42:26Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk a lot about intentional decision making and that extends to the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually works for your life. State Farm is there to meet you where you are and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state.

• 43:00Speaker 02

  Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid, and risked 350,000 Virginians' health care to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes, and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, the HouseMajorityPac.com. Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.

• 43:29Speaker 03

  Mr. President? My company told me of the explosion on our rig.

• 43:33Speaker 04

  On October 2nd.

• 43:34Speaker 03

  Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all heap the blame on me.

• 43:39Speaker 04

  Tom Cruise is. Digger got us into this mess, and Digger's gonna dig us out. From the director of Birdman and The Revenant.

• 43:46Speaker 05

  What would happen if I stopped drilling? You stop, you freeze to death, that's what.

• 43:50Speaker 04

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 43:54Speaker 05

  I'm not the first then.

• 43:55Speaker 04

  Digger. See the trailer online. Only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R. Under 17. Not a middle without parent.

• 44:00Speaker 01

  Hey!

• 44:00Jay Shetty?

  And the ketchup, and, yeah.

• 44:02Speaker 01

  How would you describe yourself in three words? A, idealistic, introverted, insightful. B, driven, dedicated, determined. C, passionate, motivated, friendly. D, caring, loving, loyal.

• 44:13Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 44:14Speaker 01

  I have to be honest. I want to be passionate, motivated, and friendly. And I think I am those things. But if I'm gonna be honest, I'm B, driven, dedicated, and determined.

• 44:23Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, me too.

• 44:23Speaker 01

  I wake up like, vroom!

• 44:25Jay Shetty?

  Me too.

• 44:25Speaker 01

  Gotta, gotta achieve something. Gotta do it.

• 44:29Jay Shetty?

  I'm with you on that.

• 44:30Speaker 01

  Gotta be passionate, motivated, and friendly, and caring, and loving, and loyal. It's like, I, you know? So I think it's C. In what type of environment do you work best? A, remote, still, silent, natural. B, a meeting room or gathering place. C, anywhere and everywhere. D, a specific, a space specific to my type of work. Home, office, laboratory. I think I work best in a meeting or gathering space. I do need to be accountable. I need, and I need to be a little bit competitive, if I'm gonna be honest. I need to see other people working. Even if it's a, if they're not even working, even if they're secretly on Facebook and I pretend they're working and I think I'm falling behind and it motivates me.

• 45:04Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. See, the reason why what you just did, and this is what I'm hoping everyone's gonna do when they read this part, is it's so important to know that because now you actually have a pattern that you can repeat until it's not true.

• 45:14Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 45:15Jay Shetty?

  And so most of us wake up in the morning and we go, I'm not motivated to work today. I don't like what I'm gonna do today. I'm not happy today, whatever it is. And it's like, well, have you created the right environments? Have you put yourself in the right spaces?

• 45:27Speaker 01

  Set yourself up to win.

• 45:28Jay Shetty?

  Have you? Exactly. That's all it is. And the only way you'll know that is if you answer that question and have the reflection you did and go, okay, well, if I go to a gathering place today, or if I go to this place and I'm around other people, let me see how I do. And then you'll go and you'll test it out and then you'll be like, okay, that didn't work. Let me try the other one. Right? And so if you're unsure, it's just about trying all of these options rather than just leaving it up to default.

• 45:48Speaker 01

  And also just in just surrendering to something not working, going, I guess this is the way it's always gonna be.

• 45:53Jay Shetty?

  Exactly. That's it.

• 45:54Speaker 01

  Easy.

• 45:54Jay Shetty?

  That's that one.

• 45:55Speaker 01

  How do you prepare for a vacation? Oh, no. A, by picking my reading material. B, having a focused plan of key sites to visit. C, with a list of the best bars, clubs and restaurants. D, with an easygoing attitude.

• 46:07Jay Shetty?

  B, for me.

• 46:08Speaker 01

  B, I'm, yeah, well, we're the same. I mean, we're both Virgo, September 4th and 6th, yeah. Having a focused plan of key sites to visit.

• 46:18Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, that's so me.

• 46:18Speaker 01

  I don't always have to do it, though. I am a person that I'll pre-plan, pre-plan, pre-plan, which I, I really encourage everyone to do this because I'm, I'm realizing that I need something to look forward to. Planning things to me is almost as good as doing them.

• 46:32Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just having it in the calendar. So I'm, I'm that person that, and I drive my wife crazy. I'm like, I need a schedule for the day to know what we want to achieve to do.

• 46:40Speaker 01

  The fact that your wife has the one man that makes the schedule and doesn't appreciate it. Her and I will have words.

• 46:47Jay Shetty?

  I'm like, I wanna schedule and even if we don't get to all of it, I'm okay with that. But I wanna know that we made a plan and that we were trying to get to all of it.

• 46:54Speaker 01

  Yes, we're designed, we need it.

• 46:55Jay Shetty?

  I wanna know what, what I'm gonna experience there. But see, here's where we start thinking people don't care about us. In the sense of, because our answer is B, we think that if someone cares. About me, then they will make a plan. But what we don't realize is that that's not how they're wired. So for them, how they feel loved and show love is easygoing, number D, uh, letter D. And that's where it gets so fragmented in relationships because we start. So I, I would be like that with my wife. I'd be like, well, you, you obviously don't love me enough because you're not organized about the schedule of the day. And she was just like, but I just don't think like that. Like my parents never, my parents always did all the planning and we just went along with what they did. And whereas my parents wanted me to plan and get involved.

• 47:39Jay Shetty?

  And so it's so interesting how we start looking at these things as gaps in our relationship. And that's not necessarily true.

• 47:47Speaker 01

  How do you feel if you make a mistake? A, I feel guilty and ashamed. Yes. B, I have to tell everyone. C, I want to hide it. D, I reach out to someone supportive. I feel guilty and ashamed.

• 48:00Jay Shetty?

  I feel guilty and ashamed first, and then I probably do D, which is reach out to someone that can kind of give me some context on it. Like kind of like reaching out to someone who I think holds me to higher standards and will be able to speak about it with me without judging me because I need to not judge myself.

• 48:15Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 48:15Jay Shetty?

  And sometimes I feel like we need someone else in our life who doesn't judge us for a mistake. And we go, oh, okay, I, I don't have to judge myself.

• 48:20Speaker 01

  And you might realize you didn't even make one.

• 48:22Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 48:22Speaker 01

  That's it. It might just be your perfectionist.

• 48:23Jay Shetty?

  Totally.

• 48:24Speaker 01

  My therapist always says, she's like, um, I have good news and bad news. Nobody cares.

• 48:30Speaker 01

  Like this huge mistake you think everyone's obsessing about, like you're not trending. No one cares.

• 48:34Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I love that one. And, and I think it's so important that people have different people, they call for different things. Because the mistake we make again, again, the opposite, is that we tell one person everything.

• 48:48Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 48:48Jay Shetty?

  Or we tell everyone everything. And both of those don't work because that one person gets completely drained and distanced from us because they can't deal with that level of overwhelm. And then when you tell everyone everything, we all know what that goes like.

• 49:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:01Jay Shetty?

  So it's so much more important to be like, okay, when I have a career challenge, this is the person I go to. When I have this, I go to this. And you may say, well, how do I start? It's important. Start building those relationships with people in your life that have different skills that they provide you and you provide something back to them too.

• 49:14Speaker 01

  And also don't go to the. For the solution. And I think I tend to

• 49:19Jay Shetty?

  That's nice.

• 49:20Speaker 01

  conflate that with, I need to be honest and authentic. So sometimes we conflate oversharing with, I'm going to be authentic and I'm going to set a boundary and I'm going to tell them how I feel and I'm going to be honest. That's not always healthy communication.

• 49:32Jay Shetty?

  Agreed.

• 49:32Speaker 01

  We say restraint of pen and tongue, like, you're like, if you're my problem, I'm not going to come to you and expect you to have the solution. You know, so I have a problem with my family, I might go to my friends or my program or my, you know, Jay Shetty book or whatever it is, or my podcast to get a solution. And then I'll bring that solution to the relationship and the solution might be to say nothing.

• 49:49Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 49:49Speaker 01

  And to have just dealt with, to forgive or to turn it over or to go for a run or take a nap or, you know, join a 12 step program or something. Chances are the person you have a conflict can't solve the conflict for you.

• 50:03Jay Shetty?

  Well said.

• 50:04Speaker 01

  Because that's their, the issue in the first.

• 50:06Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, you solve the conflict with them, but not, they're not going to solve it for you. One of my favorite tools in the relationships chapter is something that we had to do a lot as monks where you're very careful about the words you use. Because you realize how much power each word has. And so there's a great study by Harvard, which you can type in on Google, it's called the list of emotions. And I often refer to it as emotional vocabulary. So all of us have a very limited emotional vocabulary. We literally use five words, okay, good, bad, fine, hmm, right? So it's like, how's your week going? Okay. How's your day been? Good. And so this list of emotions by Harvard goes through each key word that we say most often. And breaks it down into like seven other words that actually define what it means. So when you say you're sad, are you actually offended?

• 50:49Jay Shetty?

  Are you irritated? Are you upset? And it gives you all of these synonyms. But it's helping you diagnose and articulate how you actually feel. So when you do approach someone, you're actually coming from a place of giving them clarity. Because half the time you diagnose yourself wrong. It's like you see a little rash and you try and diagnose yourself on Google and you got it all.

• 51:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:06Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, and you get it all wrong. So it's the same thing. So it's so important to use words where you've got really close to what you actually feel. That's the only way someone can actually help.

• 51:15Speaker 01

  And it's not the other person's job to decipher it. It's your job to be clear. It's your job to say it right. It's not their job to be psychic and figure it out. And you're an adult. It's your responsibility. To use the right words when you're in a conflict.

• 51:28Jay Shetty?

  And the positive words too, like it's defining also like, for example, when someone says, I love you, they might mean, I want to spend the night with you. And someone says, I love you, and they're like, I want to spend my life with you. Those are two very different, and so when you hear the word love, you're projecting your belief of the definition of the word love onto that person saying it, and you go, I love you too. And, and you've just-

• 51:50Speaker 01

  We have not agreed on the definition of this.

• 51:51Jay Shetty?

  Correct. And you've just projected your definition on what you said and they said, and you said that it meant in your head.

• 51:57Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 51:58Jay Shetty?

  Because your word definition was off, and I know that sounds crazy because when someone says, I love you, you're not gonna be like, well, let's define what you mean.

• 52:04Speaker 01

  I did a whole bit on, I love you and what it means.

• 52:07Jay Shetty?

  Oh, I love it.

• 52:08Speaker 01

  We have to agree on a common definition of love, and I think my definition of love is being willing to die for someone that you yourself want to kill.

• 52:17Speaker 01

  I think that's what it was. But it also, a lot of times, I love you means shut up, like, I love you, I love you. I mean, we use it to manipulate, we use it to tell someone to calm down. I love you, baby, I love you, okay, I love you, like, we use it a lot, it's thrown around a lot.

• 52:31Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 52:32Speaker 01

  You know?

• 52:33Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 52:33Speaker 01

  We've totally desecrated-

• 52:34Jay Shetty?

  I need to watch that.

• 52:35Speaker 01

  That, if you can find it, good luck. Um, what do you do when you have to make a big decision? A, I reflect privately, B, I ask my mentors and guides, C, I weigh the pros and cons, D, I talk to family and friends. I'm really bad at making big decisions, I get very overwhelmed, but I usually think, if it's not a hell yes, it's a no. Like, the answer's usually no, for any decision, for me. It's usually no, but it also depends on who, if it's an authority figure I have to tell, I'll sort of get scared that they're gonna be mad at me, and I have to sort of work through that. And then I'll ask mentors and guides, what do you think I should do? I'll outsource the decision to someone that's not emotional, because I get too emotional.

• 53:15Jay Shetty?

  Interesting. I go private, mine's the first one.

• 53:18Speaker 01

  I reflect privately.

• 53:19Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I need to like, I found that getting away from noise and everyone's opinions and expectations and messages, because then that starts messing with how I feel and now what I feel is made up of everyone else's feelings.

• 53:32Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 53:32Jay Shetty?

  And I don't like that.

• 53:33Speaker 01

  And then you've recruited a bunch of people and now they're invested in you executing what their advice.

• 53:38Jay Shetty?

  Correct. And so I don't enjoy that at all. And so I'm like, I want to take all the, my own responsibility, but that requires me to get away and make my mind up about something. And then I come back with my version and then I'll check in with mentors and guides.

• 53:50Speaker 01

  Because sometimes when you ask too many people and they give you their advice, you're like, oh, I don't want to not take their advice.

• 53:54Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 53:55Speaker 01

  They're gonna be mad at me when they see.

• 53:56Jay Shetty?

  And now you're like, I can't message them again because I'm taking their advice. They're gonna like judge me for like.

• 53:59Speaker 01

  Surprise, I spent an hour of your time and I'm not even taking your advice.

• 54:02Jay Shetty?

  And that's my worst nightmare. So I was like, no, definitely not doing that.

• 54:05Speaker 01

  Oh, that's interesting. Okay, last one. Which best describes your daily routine? A, it changes moment to moment. B, it's very focused and organized. C, I follow the best opportunity that comes up. D, it's simple and scheduled.

• 54:18Speaker 01

  Oh, I mean.

• 54:20Jay Shetty?

  I'm a D.

• 54:20Speaker 01

  You're a D. You're a simple and scheduled. That's the healthiest, I would say. I, uh, I'm gonna be honest, I wish it was simple and scheduled, but I do think it changes moment to moment because I'm so easily distracted and I can never figure out how to use Dropbox. So I spend, I think my day is scheduled and then I spend half of it trying to download a video.

• 54:38Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 54:38Speaker 01

  Um, and then I'm like, I need to fire everyone. Yeah, I think it's, it changes moment to moment and I, I would like to work on that because I'm delusional. I tell myself it's simple and scheduled, but it's not.

• 54:50Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. But that's great. So you accept it and then you go, okay, this is why I want, let's pave a way, rather than being like, oh yeah, it's simple and scheduled.

• 54:56Speaker 01

  You know how like people tell themselves things to try to convince themselves? Like, when people go, look, I'm not crazy. And you're like, that's literally what a crazy person says to try to prove to themselves that they're not crazy.

• 55:07Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 55:08Speaker 01

  And you just made me realize that I say things about myself, like, well, I'm just so organized and like I run a tight ship. And it's like, I'm, I say that, but it's not necessarily true.

• 55:18Jay Shetty?

  It's called, uh, in Steve Jobs' book, Walter Isaacson called it reality distortion field. And so you have the ability to distort reality based on how you want to see it. And so it can get as extreme as when it's said that when Steve Jobs denied having a child, for example, it was referred to as that, in the book at least. That's how far it can go, where if you want to remove something out of your memory or life, then you you just block it out.

• 55:44Speaker 01

  I do it with money, too.

• 55:45Jay Shetty?

  I think we all do it. Like, we all have it to some degree. We all practice it all the time. And I think having people who can catch you on those blind spots or doing activities and exercises that make you aware of those blind spots is useful.

• 55:56Speaker 01

  It's like people who are like, I hate drama. And you're like, you love drama. Oh, my God, you're obsessed with drama. You love it.

• 56:02Jay Shetty?

  Well, attachment and aversion in the Bhagavad Gita, it says, are two sides of the same coin. So when you say, I love something or I hate something, it's the same level of attachment. So in the sense of like, we were always trained as monks that like, being a monk, and and a lot of people get it wrong, and obviously there are female monks too. But a lot of people think, oh, if you're monks, then maybe you just don't want to be with women or you don't like women. Actually, that cannot be a reason for being a monk. You can't dislike women to be a monk. Like, hate or lust are almost two sides of the same coin.

• 56:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:32Jay Shetty?

  Where it's still that you're still completely wrapped up in it because that's still all you think about.

• 56:35Speaker 01

  Don't forget that, because I want to come back to that. But we should finish what, let's see, what, what did I win? What do I win for being so self-aware?

• 56:42Jay Shetty?

  We need to count.

• 56:42Speaker 01

  Answer key. Tally your answers now. The most selected letter reflects your Varna.

• 56:47Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 56:47Speaker 01

  I think I was a maker. So you can be a guide, a leader, creator, or maker. Can you just tell me what those mean real quick?

• 56:52Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. So a guide is someone that is, who absolutely loves dealing in thought, ideas, thinkers, ideators, people who are always like, basically on a very intellectual and mental level. Leaders are people who are always considering others, wanting to protect, wanting to provide. A good president would be a leader in in terms of a personality trait. They have the ability to think beyond themselves. Creators are people who just want to build, grow, make great entrepreneurs. Makers are talented people, artists, people who perform, people who also work great with their hands. They may even do arts and crafts. People are fantastic at invention. So there's a very quick versions of what they are, and there's deep ones in the book.

• 57:30Speaker 01

  I love this. I think you should, I think this is something you should do like every Like couple of months, do you know what I mean too?

• 57:36Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, see how you evolve.

• 57:37Speaker 01

  That's the other thing, because it's like, I think I'm big on growing and changing and like changing your mind and changing your opinions and you know, I think there's this like thing now where people are like, I'm this type of person. It's like, why would you want to stay

• 57:48Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 57:48Speaker 01

  that way? You know, why would you want to get new information and keep your former opinion?

• 57:54Jay Shetty?

  It's actually exhausting to try and stay the same. Because you're just constantly like trying to hold on to something that's trying to change.

• 58:02Speaker 01

  What are you gonna do? What's next? I have to let you go. You have nine, a hundred other podcasts today.

• 58:08Jay Shetty?

  No, I don't.

• 58:09Speaker 01

  You've been easily, easily the hardest person to schedule.

• 58:12Jay Shetty?

  Oh, really?

• 58:13Speaker 01

  Well, no, I just mean like, no, no, I don't mean that. I just mean you're, you're the man.

• 58:17Jay Shetty?

  No, no.

• 58:17Speaker 01

  It's a good thing.

• 58:18Jay Shetty?

  No, I, this was so much fun. First of all, we're friends now.

• 58:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:22Jay Shetty?

  I've been looking forward to this because I'm a huge fan and admirer and I watch you all the time and think you're hilarious. And when I saw that you liked my work, I was like, what? I was so like, when it comes to like my work, I was, I just never imagined that you would even care what I did. And so, so then I was just like, oh, this is so cool. And the way this conversation is going has shown me exactly why. Like, I really love how you went about this. And it excites me so much that I got to share what I do in a way that hopefully connects and resonates with everyone you connect and resonate with. And, and more importantly, that we've built a relationship through it. So when I saw you were looking at my work and stuff, because I've been just, everyone, and, and you're friends with everyone else that I follow and love and help. And I was just like, no way. Like, and so anyway, I

• 59:06Jay Shetty?

  was very, uh, I was very humbled and taken aback when you took an interest in my work.

• 59:10Speaker 01

  The universe has conspired to bring us together.

• 59:12Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 59:12Speaker 01

  And, um, my goal was to be able to maybe do something different.

• 59:16Jay Shetty?

  This was the most unique interview style and doing that, that was genius.

• 59:20Speaker 01

  Oh, good.

• 59:20Jay Shetty?

  And I'm glad because I literally, I don't think I said anything in this interview that I've said anywhere else. Like, yeah.

• 59:25Speaker 01

  I didn't want you to like go on autopilot.

• 59:26Jay Shetty?

  I'm so glad, yeah. I-

• 59:27Speaker 01

  Think like a monk. Anything else you want to, I end these very awkwardly.

• 59:32Jay Shetty?

  Perfect.

• 59:33Speaker 01

  Don't ride elephants, don't ride dolphins.

• 59:36Jay Shetty?

  This is great. I love it. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you so much for listening to that episode. Make sure you tag me on Instagram when you share it and pass it along to a friend who's a Whitney Cummings fan or a fan of learning about themselves. Thank you so much for being here again today and I'll see you again for another episode of On Purpose.

• 1:00:05Speaker 03

  Mr. President, my company foreme of the explosion on our rig.

• 1:00:09Speaker 04

  On October 2nd.

• 1:00:10Speaker 03

  Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all heap the blame on me.

• 1:00:15Speaker 04

  Tom Cruise is. Digger got us into this mess, and Digger's gonna dig us out. From the director of Birdman and The Revenant.

• 1:00:22Speaker 05

  What would happen if I stopped drilling? You stop, you freeze to death, that's what.

• 1:00:26Speaker 04

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 1:00:29Speaker 05

  I'm not the first nanny.

• 1:00:31Speaker 04

  Digger. See the trailer online. Only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R. Under 17. Not a minute without parent.