Nish Kumar (Tasting Menu – Live at the Royal Albert Hall)

In our final live Tasting Menu episode from the Royal Albert Hall, BFF of the podcast Nish Kumar joins us to talk beef beefs, Ghostbusters reviews and who’s the boss of the Hindus. Thanks if you came along to any of the Royal Albert Hall shows. We had a lovely time! Nish Kumar is on tour with ‘Angry Humour From a Really Nice Guy’. Go to www.nishkumar.co.uk for dates and tickets Listen to Nish’s podcast, Pod Save The UK wherever you get your podcasts Follow Nish on Instagram @mrnishkumar https://www.instagram.com/mrnishkumar Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcast https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast Follow Off Menu on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/offmenuofficial and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@offmenuofficial: @offmenuofficial. And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk https://www.offmenupodcast.co.uk/ for a list of restaurants recommended on the show. Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster. Produced and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Recorded by Matt Mountford-Lister for Storm Productions Group live at the Royal Albert Hall. Video production by Ben Williams and Megan McCarthy for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Artwork by Paul Gilbey https://www.instagram.com/pushgilbey/ (photography and design). Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here https://youtu.be/ug7YEj14yFQ. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Hello, it's Ed here from the Off Menu podcast that you are listening to right now. You'll know that I'm doing a brand new stand-up comedy show on tour next year, fresh hell. And we are delighted to announce that we are doing two more shows at the London Palladium, Friday the 19th of March, Saturday the 20th of March. You've got to come to these shows, they're going to be great, they're on sale now. Edgamble.co.uk for ticket details.

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• 1:38Speaker 00

  It's the Off Menu podcast bonus live Royal Albert Hall episode, James.

• 1:43James Acaster?

  Bonus.

• 1:44Speaker 00

  It's a bonus, it's the final Royal Albert Hall show.

• 1:47James Acaster?

  It's the final one, I mean, we thought it would never end, the longest stretch in history that anyone's ever done at Royal Albert Hall, I think. But, you know, it was a pleasure to go on that journey with you, Ed.

• 1:57Speaker 00

  Yes, you too, mate.

• 1:58James Acaster?

  And our final guest, of course, was Nish Kumar.

• 2:03Speaker 00

  A Nish called Wanda.

• 2:04James Acaster?

  A Nish called Wanda, of course. Look, a fan favourite returning, getting the menu of another fan favourite, aka a tasting menu.

• 2:12Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 2:13James Acaster?

  And on the, you know, the naughtiest boy, I guess. You don't want to start with Nish, you kind of do have to, it has a bit, it's last day of school vibes, isn't it, when Nish comes in? So like, you know, we knew that that was the energy he'd bring.

• 2:27Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 2:28James Acaster?

  Sometimes he might refer to the first half and want to make sense, sometimes he might refer to stuff that happened before the first half, just in our lives.

• 2:34Speaker 00

  Yeah. Nish is a very naughty boy, this is audio, so just for those of you listening, Nish was wearing a propeller hat and he had a pea shooter with him.

• 2:44James Acaster?

  Yes, and little shorts that only just went below his willy.

• 2:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:48James Acaster?

  And nobbly knees.

• 2:52James Acaster?

  And very naughty.

• 2:54Speaker 00

  So gross, the word willy.

• 2:56James Acaster?

  I hate the word willy.

• 2:57Speaker 00

  It's awful.

• 2:58James Acaster?

  I'd say that would, that would be, like, that would end any, like, romantic, what would the word be? Sex.

• 3:09James Acaster?

  I was ever having with anyone would be if they said, now show me that willy.

• 3:13Speaker 00

  Yeah. Also, for me, willy can only be used for soft.

• 3:18James Acaster?

  Yeah, definitely.

• 3:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:21James Acaster?

  Yeah, I would not, I wouldn't want to hear it.

• 3:25Speaker 00

  I wouldn't want to hear it anyway, but.

• 3:27James Acaster?

  Anyway, but like.

• 3:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, it doesn't work for.

• 3:29James Acaster?

  It wouldn't make me feel like a sexy guy, so if they said, look at that willy. I'd be like, what?

• 3:35Speaker 00

  May as well call it a.

• 3:35James Acaster?

  I spent hours getting this hard.

• 3:38Speaker 00

  I spent hours on this.

• 3:39James Acaster?

  I spent hours getting as hard as a rock.

• 3:41Speaker 00

  I've got up early, isn't.

• 3:43James Acaster?

  I've been trying to get it hard for ages, you say it's still a willy?

• 3:47Speaker 00

  May as well call it a dinkle at this point.

• 3:50James Acaster?

  Call it my little, little pee pee.

• 3:51Speaker 00

  Yeah. Anyway, this is Nish Kumar at the Royal Albert Hall.

• 3:55James Acaster?

  Yep.

• 4:05Speaker 00

  It's off-menu love, baby!

• 4:07James Acaster?

  Second half, we're going to bring in our special guest, very excited. Ed, kick the second half off like only you can.

• 4:14Speaker 00

  Welcome to the Off Menu podcast and tonight, for one night only, it's a Morrison's Make Your Own Podcast Bar.

• 4:22Speaker 00

  Taking the mango, so sorry, of conversation, adding to it a bowl of flour of humour. And then pouring it all on top of the chode and the whole of conversation. It's the Off Menu podcast tasting menu!

• 4:45James Acaster?

  That is Ed Gamble, my name is James, they cast us together, we own a dream restaurant every single week. We invite the guests and ask them the favourite ever start and make us a side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week, on the tasting menu, please welcome, Nish Kumar!

• 5:16Speaker 00

  What have you made? What's this t-shirt that you've?

• 5:18Speaker 04

  I've made my own t-shirt.

• 5:22Speaker 04

  I decided to make a special t-shirt to commemorate the day, but I wanted to make it like off-brand merch, like you see outside concerts, where people are selling them off tarpaulins. And so you can't be sued, it's all slightly changed, so it's off-the-menu live.

• 5:40Speaker 00

  We can put it, we can put it on the big screen, Nish.

• 5:42Speaker 04

  We popped it on, it says Egg Hamble and Ham's Alabaster with Nish. And we're performing at the Prince Andrew Hall.

• 5:59Speaker 04

  Shout out to Prince Andrew, up there in the big jail in the sky.

• 6:07Speaker 04

  He's not a prince.

• 6:08Speaker 00

  Good point, thank you.

• 6:09Speaker 04

  Not the biggest problem with him.

• 6:14Speaker 00

  Not a prince, I think you'll find.

• 6:16Speaker 04

  And we've got, and I've got a photo of the three of us, where I'm doing an impression of James writing on his hand.

• 6:23Speaker 00

  And I've got a moustache.

• 6:24Speaker 04

  And you've got a moustache, and not as a joke, as we found out.

• 6:30James Acaster?

  It's a very nice t-shirt.

• 6:31Speaker 00

  A very nice t-shirt.

• 6:32Speaker 04

  Amy and Ed designed it for me.

• 6:33Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 6:35Speaker 04

  Shout out, Amy and Ed. Shout out to women.

• 6:39Speaker 04

  How about that?

• 6:42Speaker 00

  The creepiest thing you've ever done.

• 6:45James Acaster?

  Shout out to women.

• 6:45Speaker 04

  Can I just say before we start, shout out to women? Guys, can we just give a bit of a shout out to the women?

• 6:52Speaker 00

  For me, every day is International Women's Day.

• 6:54Speaker 04

  I call this podcast off-women, you.

• 7:00James Acaster?

  So we're off-women?

• 7:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:03Speaker 04

  I didn't think it through, Jimmy Bag!

• 7:06Speaker 00

  Okay. By the way, we found out, and we should have known, when I was on stage and read out Daniel Billingsh, the name Daniel Billingsh, and there was one squawk from the back of the Albert Hall, that was Nish.

• 7:20Speaker 04

  Billingsh, I'm sorry to tell you, your name is fucking stupid.

• 7:26Speaker 04

  It's a man called Daniel Billingsh, and Ed really hit the n sound, and I'm afraid to say it really made me giggle.

• 7:33Speaker 00

  And there were some people sat around Nish who were apparently quite annoyed by the squawk he did. But they're fine now, because he's on the stage now for the next, he's not sat next to you anymore, he's literally the rest of the show.

• 7:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, if you thought I was too loud when I didn't have a microphone that was going through the PA system, you're shit out of luck, cunt.

• 7:53Speaker 00

  Shout out to women.

• 7:58Speaker 04

  Shout out to women, sea bombs left and right.

• 8:02James Acaster?

  Shout out to all the women.

• 8:07Speaker 04

  Well, we've started fantastically.

• 8:09Speaker 00

  Yes, it's a good start from you, Nish, and James, we need to start properly now, because you're a genie.

• 8:15James Acaster?

  I need to get in the lamp, I need to do my proper beginning.

• 8:17Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, okay, here we go.

• 8:18Speaker 00

  No.

• 8:21James Acaster?

  It's a bit undignified, it's a big enough venue that when I do this, most people can still see me.

• 8:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. It's not very impressive from this angle, although it's a, it's a deep squat, Jimmy.

• 8:32James Acaster?

  Yeah, you've got a deep squat. I don't enjoy every night, there's always someone in this section who will wave at me and it's horrible. Every time someone does it, it's horrible.

• 8:40Speaker 00

  So it's just one person going, hello?

• 8:43Speaker 04

  Look at these absolute virgins.

• 8:47Speaker 00

  Yeah. You're wearing a homemade off-menu t-shirt.

• 8:51James Acaster?

  He is right, though, our audience are absolute virgins. We spoke to that guy over there who's not a fan, he's the only person who's got a photo of his own kids. On his phone. The only one who's had sex.

• 9:04Speaker 00

  Now, Nish, it's normally beholden on the guest to get the genie out of the lamp. It's your, it's your choice.

• 9:11Speaker 04

  Oh, am I rubbing the lamp?

• 9:12Speaker 00

  If you, that's how you want to get the genie out, sure.

• 9:14Speaker 04

  That's the only way to get the genie out is to wank off a lamp.

• 9:17James Acaster?

  Oh, no, don't wank it off, mate. Okay.

• 9:27Speaker 00

  Welcome, Nish Kumar, to the Dream Restaurant, we've been expecting you back for some time.

• 9:36Speaker 00

  Oh my god. I really want to see you actually find the magic lamp now because you're the only person who would run away from the genie. You ran so far from the genie.

• 9:46Speaker 04

  I got really scared of the genie. Yeah.

• 9:49Speaker 00

  Also, you had, you had your tongue out while you were wanking the lamp off, which gave me an insight I did not want.

• 9:57Speaker 04

  Shout out to women.

• 10:01James Acaster?

  That would be a funny scene in a, if my dad wrote a porno. If someone was wanking someone off and then when they're jizz, they run away from it.

• 10:11Speaker 04

  I just realised that this show finally has something in common with Aladdin, in that it started with a brown man rubbing a lamp and being scared by a big loud genie.

• 10:22James Acaster?

  I mean, we didn't think we'd fold that into the format from day one.

• 10:29Speaker 00

  Uh, Nish, we're going to give you someone else's menu today.

• 10:31Speaker 04

  Fantastic.

• 10:33Speaker 00

  Um, do you like when you don't choose the food and you just can give it up to, um, to chance?

• 10:39Speaker 04

  Well, sometimes, let's be honest, a lot of the time you and I hand over the ordering of food to Ed.

• 10:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:46Speaker 04

  Like, quite a lot of the time when we go out for dinners, I get, we get a lot of, me and Amy get a lot of free shit. Every time we go out for dinner with these two, no offence, cunts.

• 10:59Speaker 00

  None taken, none taken.

• 11:00Speaker 04

  We really feel like, um, Lorraine Bracco in Goodfellas, you know, where she's getting like led into the Copacabana by Riley Otter, because we, we, we come in and immediately five people are like, "Oh, thank you for coming, poppadoms or water?", like, they come straight out.

• 11:15Speaker 00

  Nish is a big fan of this podcast, by the way.

• 11:17Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, I love the off the menu. And then, uh, we get loads of free food and stuff, and often, very often, you will order for us.

• 11:25Speaker 00

  I did the other day, certainly, at my, my birthday lunch, um, I had the menus thrust in, thrust in my direction.

• 11:31Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 11:31Speaker 00

  And what'll happen is you say, "Just order what you want, Ed, we trust you", and then while I'm going through it, uh, every two seconds, James will go, "I've got my eye on this."

• 11:38Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 11:39Speaker 00

  And I'll go, "Actually, that sounds nice, I'd like that."

• 11:42Speaker 04

  And then I'll chime in with a few things. It's really like herding cats for Edward Gamble, when he has to order for us. That was a good meal, a lot of meat.

• 11:49Speaker 00

  A lot of meat, uh, and then there were a couple of, uh, gifts from the kitchen.

• 11:53Speaker 04

  That's it, there's always gifts from the kitchen. You people can't even believe what our lives are like.

• 12:00Speaker 04

  It's actually, you can't believe what my life is like, because I actually don't do anything to contribute to this podcast beyond occasionally slagging it off in interviews.

• 12:09Speaker 00

  But, uh, yeah, sometimes, you know, Nish does Pod Save the UK, his, his podcast, so, great podcast, so when we go to the Houses of Parliament with Nish, we'll, we'll occasionally, we'll get, we'll get some gifted long reads, uh, they'll come over there, we'll go, "A guardian from the back from the kitchen."

• 12:27James Acaster?

  Um, when we went for Ed's meal, uh, my partner and I were the first people to arrive, and they, they said, "Oh yes, we've got your table, um, Ed, Ed's been here for ages." Ed, Ed was outside an hour ago, just walking up, and he's been walking up and down the street all morning, Ed Gamble has, and Ed turned up and we went, "You've been here all morning?", he went, "No, I've only just got here."

• 12:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't know who that was, I've got a double gang of walking around outside the Quality Chop House.

• 12:56Speaker 04

  Yeah, man.

• 12:57Speaker 00

  But I like that when she said Ed's been here all morning walking up and down, you thought Ed would do that. Ed would scope it out an hour early.

• 13:04James Acaster?

  He doesn't want to be late, he wants to make sure he definitely gets his chops. So he's come down, he's walked up and down the street all morning, figured, "Oh, we get it." He said it was somebody who looked like you, and they were like, "Oh no, get the table ready, Ed Gamble's here."

• 13:16Speaker 00

  Nish, it's been ages since you've been on this podcast.

• 13:18Speaker 04

  It's been fucking, it's been, let's not be crass, millions of pounds ago for both of you.

• 13:29Speaker 04

  When you started this podcast, HelloFresh was just a man called John Fresh, who used to run around handing out dinners to people in their house.

• 13:37Speaker 00

  Just the ingredients, just, fucking hell, John's been over again, just strutting out of chilies through the window.

• 13:44Speaker 04

  Damn it, Johnny Fresh, this avocado doesn't go with this Yorkie bar at all. And now look at you, absolutely loaded.

• 13:54Speaker 00

  When you came on the podcast, Nish, you did your Christmas menu.

• 13:56Speaker 04

  I did indeed.

• 13:57Speaker 00

  And you did a whole Christmas menu, we've since changed the Christmas format, so it's people's dream menus and they just talk about their Christmas in the middle.

• 14:03Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 14:03Speaker 00

  So you've only ever done a Christmas, you've never done a proper episode of Off Menu with your dream meal, and here you are, on another twist on the format, and you still don't get to do your proper dream menu.

• 14:13Speaker 04

  That's because they know that you can't handle my dream meal. That's because they know my dream meal would blow people's minds out of their ear holes.

• 14:22James Acaster?

  Yeah, I mean...

• 14:26James Acaster?

  The last time you, you did it, it was on stage at the Royal Festival Hall, and you came on, and we mainly talked about how you once farted in a pie shop.

• 14:34Speaker 04

  Yeah, but you, you say that like I introduced the subject. I walked on, sat down, and he went, "You farted in a pie shop one time?"

• 14:41James Acaster?

  I think you introduced the subject when you farted in a pie shop.

• 14:46Speaker 00

  Listen, that was very much, very much the opening salvo to that conversation.

• 14:50James Acaster?

  Yeah, I didn't pluck it out of thin air. Disgusting air. But like, and we, we discovered, we, we, it was a Royal Festival Hall round Christmas, it was absolute mess, it was carnage, we'd talked about Nish's farts for most of the evening, and we came off going, "Man, that was such a mess." Uh, but hey, it was fun, well, it's fun for us, but like, I wouldn't want to be in the audience, that was an absolute mess. And then someone went, "Guess who was there tonight?", Tina Fey. We're like, "What?", "Oh no."

• 15:15Speaker 00

  Just all of our, all of our hero, just like, just a total hero.

• 15:19Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 15:19Speaker 00

  Never met her in the audience, watching Nish talk about his fucking guffs.

• 15:23Speaker 04

  None of us have made the cut for SNL UK.

• 15:28James Acaster?

  And didn't get the call for that, no. How about these three guys? Uh, they will talk about guffs every week.

• 15:35Speaker 00

  I can't have a neat Tina Fey now because I'd have to open with, "You saw me on stage talking about my friend's guffs, and also I did 30 Rock on Mastermind."

• 15:43James Acaster?

  Yeah, instant restraining order.

• 15:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:46James Acaster?

  Whose menu are you hoping for, Nish?

• 15:50Speaker 04

  I, I'm sort of, listen, I, I, I've listened to all of the tasting menu episodes, so I'm aware that this is going to go one of two ways. This is either a menu that you think that I will enjoy and that you're excited to stuff, I understand that I, my menu was given to Tim Key yesterday.

• 16:05Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 16:06Speaker 04

  And I, and I thought, when I heard that, that Tim Key would have enjoyed the kebabs that I talked about, and Tim Key would sort of broadly have enjoyed the Christmas meats. So that's one possibility. The other possibility is that you give me an absolute nightmare of a menu, and this isn't having dinner in the dream restaurant so much as it is having dinner at Guantanamo Bay, which mercifully you don't have to change the fucking orange colour scheme for.

• 16:30Speaker 00

  That's what we've always been going for, is Guantanamo orange.

• 16:35Speaker 04

  So, I'm either in for an evening of stimulating conversation, or you're about to describe one of the most disgusting meals of all time. Nick Mohammed's dinner was a fucking disgrace. It was an absolute, I thought Bridget Christie was going to punch one or both of you.

• 16:50Speaker 00

  Or it could be someone that you've got a personal connection to, this is another way of working it, so we had Nicola Cochrane on the other night.

• 16:55Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 16:56Speaker 00

  Uh, who was, who was doing Siobhan McSweeney's menu, and obviously they've worked, they've worked together a lot.

• 17:00Speaker 04

  I'll say there's one name that does bring to mind vis-à-vis me having a personal connection with them.

• 17:05Speaker 00

  Okay, don't want to say who that is?

• 17:06Speaker 04

  Well, I'm, Amy Annette would be the obvious one. My life partner in t-shirt design.

• 17:12James Acaster?

  Very close.

• 17:13Speaker 04

  Shout out to a woman.

• 17:15James Acaster?

  Very close.

• 17:16Speaker 04

  Uh-oh.

• 17:19James Acaster?

  Tonight, Nish, we'll be giving you the Off Menu menu.

• 17:22Speaker 00

  Of Greg Davis!

• 17:32Speaker 00

  Literally the only face he's ever made at Nish.

• 17:37Speaker 04

  Also, where I'm seated, in relation to the position of the screens, is accurate to our height difference.

• 17:45Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, that's not a picture, Greg's back there. That's a little window.

• 17:49Speaker 04

  Yeah, this is, this is one of the few pictures where it's actually smaller than the real life map. Fucking hell, Greg Davis's menu.

• 17:58Speaker 00

  Again, another very early episode of Off Menu.

• 18:00Speaker 04

  Yeah, I imagine this menu is going to be fucking disgusting.

• 18:04James Acaster?

  So you don't know anything about it?

• 18:05Speaker 04

  I, I heard it when it was released, but I can't remember the specifics of it.

• 18:09Speaker 00

  Okay, well, don't, don't try and guess them, because we'll be going through it right now, and let me tell you, this menu made me fucking livid.

• 18:17James Acaster?

  Well, you're probably not going to be as angry as Ed is just reliving this.

• 18:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm so annoyed already.

• 18:22Speaker 04

  All I remember is you being genuinely angry about it.

• 18:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, so angry, so angry, and he knew it was going to make me angry, but it was still genuinely what he wanted on his dream menu.

• 18:33Speaker 04

  He, he's responsible for, I would say, one of the key food slash drink phrases that I use most regularly, because, we, listen, Ed and I, what we enjoy doing is using phrases that will upset and annoy Ed's wife.

• 18:49Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 18:49Speaker 04

  We love to do this.

• 18:50James Acaster?

  Shout out to women.

• 18:52Speaker 04

  Shout out to women.

• 18:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, there's a reason that when I said to my wife today, "Oh, Nish is on Off Menu tonight at the Royal, Royal Albert Hall, are you coming?", and she went, "No".

• 19:08Speaker 04

  We, we were, we were on our way to a wedding, and when we were on our way to the wedding, I thought it would be really funny to say to Ed that we would have some sort of alcoholic drink when we got there, and the way that I said it was, "Ed, we'll have a few settlers when we arrive."

• 19:22Speaker 00

  Few settlers.

• 19:22Speaker 04

  Few settlers, she fucking hated settlers. The only thing she hated more than settlers was when we went to our Josh Widdecombe's wedding in Italy, and I thought it would be really funny to translate the phrase "Mamma mia", and so we spent the entire trip, every time we ate anything, going, "My mother."

• 19:44Speaker 00

  The problem is, Nish needs no encouragement to repeat the same thing over and over again if he thinks it's funny. But the mistake Charlie, my wife, makes all the time is she gets annoyed with it straight away and you can see Nish go Terminator mode, he's like, "Here we fucking go, target spotted, my mother, shall we have some settlers, let's have a few settlers." And the other phrase, which is a Greg Davis phrase, is when you think you're gonna have a few drinks that night, you just turn to your friend and go, "We're gonna have a look at it tonight, aren't we?" My wife hates that shit.

• 20:13Speaker 04

  The Taskmaster, the year I did Taskmaster, I saw Greg in the afternoon and he said, we were doing like some press thing and it was the rap party that night, and I said to him, he came to the rap party and he was like, "Uh, actually, no, mate, I've got quite a lot to do, I'm writing a TV show." And when I walked into the party, the first thing I saw was Greg at the bar and he just turned to me and went, "We'll have a little look at it tonight, Nish." And I'll be honest with you, we had too good a look at it. Do you remember what happened when you showed up?

• 20:44James Acaster?

  When I showed up?

• 20:45Speaker 04

  James joined the rap party and I was, I had stared at it.

• 20:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:50Speaker 04

  I hadn't had a look at it, I had stared at it like-

• 20:53Speaker 00

  You'd memorized it, haven't you?

• 20:54Speaker 04

  Oh, I was like clockwork orange, like I had my eyeballs pinned open and I was staring at it repeatedly.

• 21:00Speaker 00

  You had new trainers that you'd got.

• 21:02Speaker 04

  Yeah, I got the fei wei kung fu trainers and I said to James, well, I actually can't remember it.

• 21:08James Acaster?

  Well, you were at the top of the stairs and I was like, "Those are nice trainers." And you're like, "I got them and me and Joel went, uh..."

• 21:15Speaker 00

  Where did you go with Joel?

• 21:16Speaker 04

  The Shaolin Temple.

• 21:17James Acaster?

  We went to the Shaolin Temple.

• 21:18Speaker 00

  And then fell backwards down the stairs.

• 21:20Speaker 04

  I just like, I said to James, "I'm gonna do a, I'm gonna show you how to do some kung fu right now." I did a flying kick that somehow managed to propel myself backwards through saloon doors in the toilet that we were in and just straight down the stairs.

• 21:33James Acaster?

  Well, there he goes, I've just got here.

• 21:36Speaker 04

  Yeah. I absolutely had a look, there's two times I've had a look at it with Greg Davis, was one of the times was that time and the other time was at your wedding. And I will say, it is ill-advised to have a look at it with a man who is twice your height and weight. That is not someone you want to go drink for drink with. Me and Greg, when we walk around, it looks like one of those videos where like, a rhino is friends with a mouse, like it's like, it's like these two people are barely the same species. It's the exact height difference between Scooby Doo and Scrappy Doo.

• 22:12James Acaster?

  Yeah, when I arrived at that Taskmaster party, your series hadn't been out yet because it was the rap party.

• 22:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 22:18James Acaster?

  But as soon as you did that, I was like, "I think he comes last." Whatever task that was, he's failed.

• 22:25Speaker 04

  I think we're still the only two people that have been, I was about to say, I think one of these, no offence, geeks, will know, I think we're still the only two people-

• 22:36Speaker 00

  If only you were sat next to the person who hosts the Visualized Companion podcast.

• 22:40Speaker 04

  I forgot about the VCP. As host of the VCP, you'll be able to confirm this, are we still the only two people that have been escorted off the set for a telling off?

• 22:49Speaker 00

  Yes, you're the only people who Greg has had to have a word with in the shadows.

• 22:52James Acaster?

  Fair enough with you, I was being good. You were messing around and like-

• 22:58Speaker 00

  Well, Nish would, no, you called Greg a pussy-

• 23:01Speaker 04

  Yeah, you called him a pussy.

• 23:02Speaker 00

  For not being able to open a box and that's why you had to, because you were being naughty. Greg had a word with Nish because he was just being quite poor at the task.

• 23:11James Acaster?

  You done a Sudoku as one of your tasks.

• 23:13Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 23:14Speaker 04

  He said to me, people still say to me, "You're not a bad guy, Nish," which is what he said to me-

• 23:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:20Speaker 04

  -on the offset bollocking.

• 23:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:23Speaker 04

  "You're not a bad guy, Nish."

• 23:24James Acaster?

  I've just got, where the bloody hell did that come from?

• 23:29Speaker 04

  But he is like a full person taller than, he's taller than you and you're tall.

• 23:34James Acaster?

  Yeah, he held me upside down on that show.

• 23:36Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 23:37James Acaster?

  He's a tall man.

• 23:39Speaker 00

  You're the only person he's held upside down, I think.

• 23:41James Acaster?

  Thank you, thank you, VCP.

• 23:42Speaker 00

  No problem.

• 23:43Speaker 04

  VCP, shout out to the women.

• 23:45James Acaster?

  Um, Nish, when you came on the podcast, you wanted still water?

• 23:49Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 23:50James Acaster?

  Uh, it's Greg Davis's menu today, so we're gonna be bringing you sparkling water.

• 23:55Speaker 00

  The opposite of what you were saying.

• 23:57James Acaster?

  But it's only two options, so surely you like sparkling water?

• 24:00Speaker 04

  Yeah, you know what, since, I would say since I did the podcast, I've got a slightly more of an appreciation for sparkling water, because I'm trying to drink less fizzy drinks and so I've got these dashes, and I don't know if you've had a dash, but they are fucking horrible.

• 24:16Speaker 00

  Feel bad for whooping then?

• 24:19Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's basically like someone put water into a glass that had juice in it and hasn't been properly washed.

• 24:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, I hate that shit, where they're like, "Oh, it's flavored like that." It's not flavored, you put it near the fruit, you've whispered the name of the fruit into it.

• 24:34Speaker 04

  It's homeopathy. It's beverage-based homeopathy. It sort of has the loose memory of something that had taste that floats in it, but because I'm 40 years old, I was like, "I can't be drinking all this pop." So let's-

• 24:47Speaker 00

  You're 40 years old and you're using the word "pop." You're 40 years old now, Nish, you can't be drinking all this pop.

• 24:56Speaker 04

  I can't all be drinking all these soda pops. It was, so I've had a lot of them in the fridge and I've sort of acquired a taste for it. I don't think I enjoy it, I think I've just, um, like kind of trained my taste buds to drink it.

• 25:11Speaker 00

  By the way, when you were slagging off Dash, a little note came up on the screen there from Benito, he can send us messages, and he just said, "We've been sent loads of Dash, there's loads in the fridge at the studio." So I'd like to take this opportunity to say thank you to Dash.

• 25:22Speaker 04

  Yeah. Thanks to Dash, thanks to Dash, if you can't handle the taste of real juice anymore because you're worried about your receding gums, you need Dash.

• 25:32James Acaster?

  Sounds like you're worried about your receding gums, so you're continuing to drink carbonated water.

• 25:41Speaker 04

  If you're tired of flavour, Dash might be the drink for you. Pod Save the UK is brought to you by Dash.

• 25:53James Acaster?

  This one, you and Greg both agreed on, Popadoms or bread?

• 25:56Speaker 04

  Popadoms!

• 25:57James Acaster?

  Popadoms!

• 25:58Speaker 04

  Indians, Indians, Indi- oh, nothing from the whites of the off-menu crowd, is it? Well, well, well, god, oh, it is white as well, fuck me. The stalls of this fucking room looks like a reform rally.

• 26:14Speaker 00

  Can I just say, Nish, 23 minutes it's taken you to do that, that is the longest it's ever taken you to accuse the crowd of being racist. That is absolutely amazing.

• 26:24Speaker 04

  I love making things about race, race, race.

• 26:29James Acaster?

  Wanna talk us through that song?

• 26:33Speaker 04

  I love making things about race, race, race.

• 26:37Speaker 00

  You just sung it again.

• 26:38James Acaster?

  We've been singing a lot backstage because, um, we found a few songs today and the one that Ed found online that we've become obsessed with is the song Vintage by Michael Ball.

• 26:48Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 26:49James Acaster?

  And we put it on the playlists today, we snuck it in the playlist to pre-show. Um, so that's mainly what we've been singing and I did feel like what you sang there was a bit of a twist on vintage.

• 26:58Speaker 00

  It had a touch of the vintage to it. It's well worth looking up on your way home, it's a new single from Michael Ball, it's called Vintage, it's about how he's old, but that's not too bad. He's like a fine red wine, he just keeps on getting bitter.

• 27:10James Acaster?

  Really good. It's just him dancing amongst, I'd say there's two balloons.

• 27:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:19James Acaster?

  And he keeps on having to like vary up how he appears from behind you.

• 27:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:23James Acaster?

  So was it Michael Ball again? Yes, it is. Now, when Greg chose the Popadoms-

• 27:28Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 27:29James Acaster?

  -he, uh, mentioned that, uh, his local curry house had the best lime pickle and then they stopped doing it and he was angry about it. So then, because he said it on off-menu, they bought it back and it's Greg's lime pickle on the board.

• 27:43Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 27:44James Acaster?

  You had a similar experience when you came on the podcast, but it didn't work out very well for you.

• 27:47Speaker 04

  No, sorry, yeah, on, the exact opposite happened. I made mention of a cobbler, uh, that they served in Jackson and Rye, that they had stopped serving, and then we tried to bring back the cobbler and then Jackson and Rye closed. The entire restaurant shut.

• 28:09Speaker 00

  The chain, it was a chain, I think.

• 28:11Speaker 04

  Was it a chain? Entire chain, what?

• 28:13Speaker 00

  Entire chain shut down, it's like they saw one tweet from us going, "Bring back Nish's peach cobbler," and they went, "Yeah, just shut up shop, we're not doing it."

• 28:20Speaker 04

  They shut the entire chain of Jackson and Rye?

• 28:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:24Speaker 04

  Went under, but I should tell you, that in the sort of near, what, like eight years or something since I went on that show, people just make me, still make me cobblers.

• 28:32James Acaster?

  Oh, great.

• 28:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, and give them to me at shows and I do eat them, even though they are almost certainly full of jizz. They'll be laced with jizz.

• 28:41James Acaster?

  Absolutely laced with jizz.

• 28:42Speaker 04

  That's what gives them the flavour, my mother. I love the jizz.

• 28:49Speaker 00

  Can I just say, Nish, it's the most arrogant you've ever been that you've assumed that if someone makes you a cobbler, they've jizzed in it.

• 28:57Speaker 04

  All lady jizz, shout out to the ladies.

• 29:02James Acaster?

  Really a true ally.

• 29:03Speaker 04

  All ladies can jizz too, look it up.

• 29:12James Acaster?

  Okay. I love making things about jizz, jizz, jizz.

• 29:23Speaker 00

  It's really fun if no one, if everyone here has only seen Nish do his stand-up and not seen him like this, because the comparison is fucking wild.

• 29:31James Acaster?

  I do feel like, you know, if all the right-wing people who get angry at Nish's stand-up saw this kind of stuff Nish does, they'd chill out a bit and go, he's not as much of a threat as we thought.

• 29:45James Acaster?

  Don't think he is gonna end up.

• 29:47Speaker 00

  He's just said ladies can jizz too, look it up. I think we'll be all right.

• 29:51James Acaster?

  Look it up, Google it, Yahoo it, Bing it, ask Jeeves if you please.

• 29:57Speaker 00

  Zach Polanski sat in the back going, oh for fuck's sake.

• 30:00James Acaster?

  Oh no.

• 30:02Speaker 00

  This was the one guy we were relying on.

• 30:05James Acaster?

  Well, he got enough heat on me because of the hit no boobs.

• 30:11James Acaster?

  I don't need this lady jizz business on top of hit no boobs.

• 30:18James Acaster?

  By the way, if you want to show your allegiance to the Greens, uh, because you know, or reform a title, the flags, the lamppost, to show Polanski support him, tie a massive bra onto the lamp.

• 30:29James Acaster?

  Support him making everyone's boobs bigger.

• 30:33James Acaster?

  I feel like maybe not everyone in this room knows that news story.

• 30:42Speaker 00

  Today's episode of the Off Menu podcast is sponsored by Cozy, the home of possibilities, James.

• 30:48Speaker 04

  Oh man, Ed, Cozy has everything you need to make your home feel like it has a plan. Do you know what I mean?

• 30:53Speaker 00

  I know what you mean. Cozy is a wonderful furniture company. It makes furnishing your whole home easy. Sofers, dining, storage, rugs, bedroom, even outdoor, all designed to make your space feel put together without the usual furniture stress. And James, we talk about dream meals on this podcast, but you know what? We very rarely talk about where we want to eat this dream meal.

• 31:13Speaker 04

  Sure, yeah, I like it when it does come up. It is very important. It changes the whole meal, the setting, the vibe. And Cozy's modular customizable furniture for the whole home does just that.

• 31:24Speaker 00

  And the meal, James, doesn't necessarily end at dessert. We've often talked about wanting to take our maybe final course through to a comfy room. And I think this is where Cozy can really come in handy. Go and relax on the sofa, maybe even eat your meal at a lovely, beautiful cozy table, linger a little bit, move through with coffees and dessert to a lovely couch. But I know what you're like, James, you're a mucky pup.

• 31:45Speaker 04

  I'm gonna spill stuff everywhere. Is that gonna ruin the Cozy furniture?

• 31:49Speaker 00

  No, don't worry about that, James, because it's highly washable, James. It's sauce, wine, sparkling water, dessert crumbs, you telling one of your big stories and sloshing a coffee everywhere. Don't worry, you can pop it in the wash.

• 32:00Speaker 04

  Oh, so you're saying Cozy makes every day at home feel like my best day?

• 32:04Speaker 00

  Absolutely, that's exactly what I'm saying. And with Cozy, your home can grow with you, adapting to new spaces, new styles and every era of your life, James. I think it's so hard, especially when you move somewhere new, to immediately make that place feel like yours, that it's been put together well. And that's where Cozy comes in.

• 32:20Speaker 04

  And because it's Cozy, the furniture isn't just good-looking, but actually practical. Modular pieces, easy assembly, washable and interchangeable covers and free design consultations if you want help making the whole room work.

• 32:32Speaker 00

  And it's easy to order, ship and assemble and maintain, James. The only way is the Cozy way.

• 32:39Speaker 04

  Visit Cozy today, that's C-O-Z-E-Y dot com, and make yourself at home.

• 32:47Speaker 02

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• 33:16Speaker 05

  Welcome to 215 Maple Drive. We just put this property on the market.

• 33:22Speaker 06

  Love the crown molding.

• 33:23Speaker 05

  Oh, wait until you see the walk-in closets and the bathroom tile.

• 33:27Speaker 06

  Does it have Verizon FiOS? You know, 100% fiber internet?

• 33:31Speaker 05

  No FiOS, but it looks like it's got cable. Let's check out the kitchen.

• 33:34Speaker 06

  No FiOS? Yeah, no thank you.

• 33:38Speaker 05

  Don't you want to see the rest? Okay, bye-bye.

• 33:41Speaker 00

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• 33:45Speaker 01

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• 34:19James Acaster?

  Nish, you wanted a lamb kebab from Alan the Pussycat.

• 34:22Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's right.

• 34:23James Acaster?

  In the shack out the back.

• 34:24Speaker 04

  The shack out the back.

• 34:26James Acaster?

  Leicester, baby. A lot of you will know Greg Davis's starter, so let's say it together. One, two, three, pass. Pass.

• 34:36James Acaster?

  Here's where things get interesting.

• 34:38Speaker 04

  What the fuck?

• 34:40James Acaster?

  This is where Ed stopped having a nice time.

• 34:48James Acaster?

  When we recorded this.

• 34:49Speaker 00

  Pass.

• 34:51Speaker 04

  How could you pass on a starter?

• 34:53Speaker 00

  This is just, you're basically going through the script of what I said on the day, Nish.

• 34:57Speaker 04

  But what was, I can't, remind me, what was his reasoning? What was the rationale behind passing on a starter?

• 35:02Speaker 00

  Top reason, to get on my fucking tits.

• 35:05Speaker 04

  Oh yeah, Greg, yeah, this feels configured to upset you.

• 35:09Speaker 00

  No, he just said that he thought they were pointless. They were like mini, mini mains. They were just like mini versions of the meal.

• 35:14Speaker 04

  But in the context of a dream restaurant, where presumably like your appetite has no limit and time has no limit.

• 35:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:21Speaker 04

  Wouldn't you just then pick a second main? Why would you eschew the starter altogether? Why would you just say pass?

• 35:28Speaker 00

  Honestly, I don't know, Nish, and it's making me as angry as I did on the day right now.

• 35:32James Acaster?

  Well, they're not as nice starters. They're not really as nice as all of the Leicester meals.

• 35:36Speaker 04

  Don't you fucking start. I've seen you eat an all starter meal.

• 35:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:40James Acaster?

  It's tapas, man.

• 35:45Speaker 04

  Madre Mia?

• 35:48James Acaster?

  He went to Mexico last week.

• 35:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 35:51James Acaster?

  And he literally started saying madre mia.

• 35:53Speaker 04

  Madre Mia, the tortillas.

• 35:57Speaker 04

  Oh my god, the food was insane.

• 35:59James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 35:59Speaker 04

  Oh, I don't want to be sponsored by Dash, but I'd love to be sponsored by Mexico City.

• 36:02Speaker 00

  Yeah. I'm sure there are a few guys with some money who could sponsor you there. Welcome to Pod Save the UK, sponsored by the cartel.

• 36:13Speaker 00

  No, it looked amazing, man. You sent me loads of, loads of food pictures.

• 36:16Speaker 04

  It was, it was crazy, because we had all kinds of different meals. We had seven course tasting menus and we ate from like food shacks. I had, I think it's called a longaniza, it's like a, like Mexican chorizo. And it was a taco. The guy, there was, there was a stat, listen, I am a Hindu, but I did have to let some of that go. Because I was having a pork taco, but there was not a huge level of, shall we say, demarcation in the preparation of the pork from the beef.

• 36:48Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 36:49Speaker 04

  So it was essentially like, it was, it was in a plate that was designed to upset every possible religious belief.

• 36:57Speaker 04

  So you just got an all meat frying pan and they're just like, and he put the sausage on there, fried it, and then put it on this huge wooden chopping board. And then he got this kind of, sort of flat plane out with a sharp edge and just bang, bang, bang, bang, chopped all the way along it and put it in a taco. It was, oh, my mother, it was delicious. It was so, so delicious.

• 37:18Speaker 00

  But that's all right, a little bit of beef's okay, isn't it, now and again?

• 37:20Speaker 04

  Well, it wasn't, there wasn't any beef in it. It's just it was very much prepared. It was pork in beef juice.

• 37:25Speaker 00

  Yeah. Not even, not even the boss of the Hindus would mind you doing that, I reckon.

• 37:30Speaker 04

  No, it's fine. And now and again.

• 37:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:34Speaker 04

  I'd love to return to the boss of the Hindus at the end of this anecdote.

• 37:41Speaker 04

  I'd love to hear some speculation from Ed on who he thinks said boss is.

• 37:46Speaker 04

  And I will be pitching as a new TV show, undercover boss of the Hindus.

• 37:54Speaker 04

  Once we're done with this. Sorry, James, you were saying?

• 37:58James Acaster?

  Oh, a little bit of beef is fine. Anyway, main course is a fillet steak.

• 38:03Speaker 00

  Fillet steak, Nish, for your main.

• 38:16Speaker 04

  Yeah, you're right to boo.

• 38:19James Acaster?

  Now, bearing in mind that Greg didn't know you were gonna be eating this.

• 38:22Speaker 04

  Yeah, and so he didn't know he was inadvertently eight years later committing a hate crime.

• 38:30Speaker 04

  By trying to wham beef into Hindus' chops.

• 38:33James Acaster?

  Now, obviously, it's us who's decided to give you this, but in our defence, we didn't check with the boss of the Hindus.

• 38:42Speaker 04

  Again, would love to hear some names on who's on the shortlist for boss of the Hindus.

• 38:46James Acaster?

  Yeah, from the person who came up with it, please, and not just watch.

• 38:51Speaker 04

  Who's on the shortlist for Hindu boss?

• 38:53Speaker 00

  There must be, there must be one, right?

• 38:55James Acaster?

  Yes.

• 38:58James Acaster?

  There must be.

• 39:00Speaker 04

  There must be.

• 39:01Speaker 00

  All the religions have a boss, right?

• 39:03Speaker 04

  Okay, let's go through the religions.

• 39:05Speaker 00

  A boss in the, a boss in the, in the main, like, in the, in...

• 39:12James Acaster?

  Oh, this is great.

• 39:14Speaker 04

  Absolutely.

• 39:16Speaker 00

  When you die, there's a boss for your religion, and then when you're on earth, there's, there's, there's at least one person who's the boss.

• 39:22Speaker 04

  Assistant to the boss?

• 39:24Speaker 00

  Assistant to the boss, yeah.

• 39:27Speaker 04

  So who's the, who's the boss of the Christians? Who's the Crisoe boss?

• 39:31James Acaster?

  What, in, in heaven?

• 39:33Speaker 04

  Well, let's have, let's have...

• 39:34Speaker 00

  In heaven, it's, it's easy, right?

• 39:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, who is it?

• 39:37James Acaster?

  God.

• 39:37Speaker 04

  God. And who's on the earth?

• 39:39Speaker 00

  Well, Pope, the Pope.

• 39:40Speaker 04

  For Christians? Pope's the boss of all Christians, famously.

• 39:44Speaker 00

  Catholics.

• 39:45Speaker 04

  Pope's the boss of Catholics.

• 39:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:47Speaker 04

  Who's prod boss?

• 39:50James Acaster?

  Bear Grylls.

• 39:59Speaker 04

  Bear Grylls?

• 40:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:01Speaker 04

  Bear Grylls is the prod boss?

• 40:02James Acaster?

  Yeah, he baptised Russell Brand in the Thames.

• 40:06Speaker 04

  That was an interesting move, vis-à-vis being a Christian.

• 40:10James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 40:10Speaker 04

  I'll tell you who I'll baptise into my fa... I'll tell you who we'll welcome into the club. Russell Brand. And he goes into the Thames.

• 40:19Speaker 00

  He's definitely not panicking or anything and just deciding to convert to Christianity for any other reason, that he just believes it, he just believes it.

• 40:25Speaker 04

  Yeah, I just believe it, okay? I just, as far as I know, I think Prince Andrew might be next on the Bear Grylls baptism list.

• 40:31James Acaster?

  I think the more evil they are, the dirtier the water is they baptise them in.

• 40:37Speaker 00

  You know, you know Andrew in the car, right, and he's like that?

• 40:39Speaker 04

  What, where he looks fully dead?

• 40:41Speaker 00

  Yeah. I think it looks like a photo from Space Mountain.

• 40:51Speaker 00

  That's what he's gonna look like just before he's baptised, like, just...

• 40:55Speaker 04

  I don't understand. He's completely rigid in the backseat of that car. It's absolutely unbelievable. He looks as dead as that photo of, um, Philip. No, he looks, he, he, he looked like the old man, like, but the old man was about a hundred and fifty when they took that photo. There was a famous photo of him in the front seat of the car where he was sort of, he, he looked like the demon dog from Ghostbusters.

• 41:23James Acaster?

  That's my big boss.

• 41:26Speaker 04

  No way, man, I refuse to acknowledge that one. Not my Ghostbuster. My only Ghostbuster is Frozen Empire, starring my main man Lars Pimfield. Fuckaraka. Fuckaraka to the bowels of hell. That cold bastard didn't know what was gonna hit him. Lars Pimfield and Kamal's character.

• 41:44James Acaster?

  The firemaster.

• 41:47Speaker 04

  Anyway, I've...

• 41:48James Acaster?

  Of course, he was inaccurately called in a review, the firebender.

• 41:53Speaker 04

  And what, what were you called in that review?

• 41:55James Acaster?

  The blond-haired nerd.

• 41:59Speaker 04

  There was a review of Ghostbusters Frozen Empire that looks like it was written by ChatGPT, but in full 2001 meltdown, emotional meltdown mode. And for someone, and he, they called, they kept calling Kamal's character the firebender, and they referred to you only as the blond-haired nerd, and that is one of the things that you're called in my phone.

• 42:24James Acaster?

  I've called a lot of things in your phone.

• 42:26Speaker 04

  Yep. Squirrel Nutkin.

• 42:27James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 42:27Speaker 04

  AKA the Croc and Roll Star.

• 42:30James Acaster?

  I read the Squirrel Nutkin audiobook, and I did a music project where I dressed as an alligator, and The Guardian wrote an article about it that said, "Croc and Roll."

• 42:40James Acaster?

  Made his day.

• 42:41Speaker 04

  And your job is listed as being at Tuneful Nappies?

• 42:45James Acaster?

  Yes, when I was a little baby,

• 42:48James Acaster?

  there was an article about me in the local paper, because a nappy company came out with a little button that babies could put in their nappies, that if it got wet, it would play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and they needed a prototype baby for it, and that was me.

• 43:06James Acaster?

  And so...

• 43:08Speaker 04

  I didn't even know it was the prototype baby for Tuneful Nappies.

• 43:11James Acaster?

  Holding it up like that and smiling as a little baby, and it says Tuneful Nappies.

• 43:16Speaker 04

  And then there's a quote from your mum that is like, "This was not a good product."

• 43:21James Acaster?

  Yep, she says, "It does play a tune when it's wet, but often, because there's nothing to secure it in place, it can slip to where it's uncomfortable."

• 43:31James Acaster?

  And I guess that's gotta be up the butt.

• 43:33Speaker 00

  Yeah. Is there a chance you've still got a Twinkle Twinkle Little Star button up your ass?

• 43:37James Acaster?

  Yeah, I, I don't know if we ever, my parents ever found it, that would explain.

• 43:42Speaker 04

  When you shit yourself as an adult, does it play a song?

• 43:45James Acaster?

  Yeah, who let the dogs out?

• 43:52Speaker 04

  I'd say this show stayed on the rails longer than we all anticipated.

• 43:56James Acaster?

  Yeah, we all done very well, so we'll move on from the fillet steak, I think.

• 44:00Speaker 04

  Why did he, why did he say, "And I'll have no judgement from the waiter"?

• 44:03James Acaster?

  Because he wants it medium, cooked medium.

• 44:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think he would prefer well done, though. He, he just wants things, like, overcooked to the point of...

• 44:11Speaker 04

  But I imagine that must have got right up your butthole, Gambler.

• 44:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, it did. I was playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star all over the place when it did that.

• 44:19Speaker 04

  No starter and well-done steak?

• 44:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's, it's so offensive to me. I, I, I get it, I get people like what they like, but I don't know why you would like that.

• 44:31Speaker 00

  So I'm not here to yuck anyone's yums, but your yums are yucks.

• 44:36Speaker 00

  Does anyone, does anyone here like well-done steak?

• 44:39James Acaster?

  Probably not gonna admit to it after that.

• 44:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:42Speaker 04

  For fear that Gambler comes into the audience and punches them in the head. Why is well-done steak bad? As someone who's never eaten a steak?

• 44:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:49Speaker 04

  Why is it offensively bad?

• 44:51Speaker 00

  Destroys the flavour, destroys the texture, it makes it, like, tough as an old boot, you know, it's just not the way you should be cooking steak.

• 44:57Speaker 04

  Because I will say, as someone who predominantly, I consume is chicken, I'm very rarely looking for that rare.

• 45:05Speaker 04

  And very rarely am I saying, "I'd like that bloody..." If pos, if pos. "Blue, please, chef." Ah, chicken sushi, thank you.

• 45:16Speaker 00

  They do do that. In some, some places in Japan, you can get chicken sashimi, yeah.

• 45:19Speaker 04

  Really?

• 45:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. But there's, like, they know, I think it's, they go, "Oh, I know where the chicken came from." So, well, that's not gonna help.

• 45:28James Acaster?

  Where'd it come from?

• 45:32Speaker 04

  It's just, it's just fish, isn't it? Let's be honest.

• 45:35Speaker 00

  The provenance of the meat, so you know where it came from and who reared it, and what it's been fed on, and how it's been kept after it's been slaughtered and stuff, that's what. I didn't mean, like, oh, it's, it's from, you know...

• 45:45Speaker 04

  Teriyaki.

• 45:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:50Speaker 00

  It's from teriyaki, it's a wonderful chicken.

• 45:55Speaker 04

  Now, this next one, oh, Ed, you didn't say who the, the boss of the Hindus was?

• 46:00Speaker 00

  Oh, fuck.

• 46:02Speaker 04

  So we've got the Pope?

• 46:03Speaker 00

  Honestly, honestly sat here, racking my brains for ages, you moved on, I was like, great, I can get away with this, because the only name in my head is Apu from The Simpsons.

• 46:14James Acaster?

  Well, at least that's not a controversial character.

• 46:19Speaker 04

  You, you know some Indians. You could have literally said my dad. You know my dad.

• 46:25Speaker 00

  He's the boss.

• 46:26Speaker 04

  I do call my dad the boss.

• 46:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:28Speaker 04

  I worked for him, uh, uh, uh, on a summer, like, between, I think, university terms, and I started referring to him as the boss, and I, we still refer to him as the boss to this day.

• 46:37Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 46:37Speaker 04

  I call my mum Killer Bee, and she does not find it funny.

• 46:42Speaker 00

  Um, I went to see Nish's show.

• 46:43Speaker 04

  Who's the boss of the Muslims?

• 46:45Speaker 00

  Ah.

• 46:46Speaker 04

  Interesting question.

• 46:47James Acaster?

  Why have you gone into this?

• 46:49Speaker 04

  Well, I think, I think we have to say the boss of Buddhists.

• 46:52James Acaster?

  None of us are qualified to answer that.

• 46:58Speaker 04

  Who is the boss of the Buddhists?

• 46:59Speaker 00

  Don't ask the audience, you've already described us entirely white.

• 47:04Speaker 04

  We know, we know who the boss of atheists is. Ricky Gervais.

• 47:09James Acaster?

  Knew it was gonna be, knew it was gonna be Gervais.

• 47:14Speaker 00

  Anyway, who is the boss of the Muslims?

• 47:17James Acaster?

  Yeah, suddenly, that seems like a, quite an inviting question, no?

• 47:24Speaker 04

  This edit, this episode's gonna be a complicated edit for Bonito.

• 47:28Speaker 00

  Bonito, can you Google it and put it up on the screen? Let us know.

• 47:31James Acaster?

  The boss of each religion, please. On earth.

• 47:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:35Speaker 04

  The problem with a lot of the religions is, because, like, with Islam, there's Sunni and Shia.

• 47:40Speaker 04

  With Christians, there's Catholics and Protestants.

• 47:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 47:44Speaker 04

  There's a lot of dissent within all of these religions.

• 47:46Speaker 00

  A lot of flavours.

• 47:47Speaker 04

  There's a lot of flavours. There's a lot of flavours.

• 47:51Speaker 00

  You're a Christian? What flavour?

• 47:56James Acaster?

  Abortion's or not?

• 47:59Speaker 00

  Well, that's a, that's a good new pop-up on some bread.

• 48:03James Acaster?

  It's our new podcast.

• 48:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:05James Acaster?

  All about religion.

• 48:09Speaker 04

  Abortion's or not?

• 48:10Speaker 00

  Abortion's or not?

• 48:14Speaker 04

  Abortion's or not, Archbishop of Canterbury?

• 48:26Speaker 04

  Is this how you thought this was gonna go?

• 48:30James Acaster?

  The audience?

• 48:31Speaker 04

  You.

• 48:32James Acaster?

  Me?

• 48:32Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 48:35James Acaster?

  Sorry. You forget that I once saw you kung fu kick yourself backwards down a set of stairs. There's no way this would surprise me.

• 48:43Speaker 04

  Boy, oh, boy, had I had a look at it.

• 48:47James Acaster?

  Those kids were fast as lightning.

• 48:48Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 48:54Speaker 02

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• 49:21Speaker 01

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• 49:55James Acaster?

  Side dish. Now, a lot of you will remember there's a configuration for this side dish.

• 49:59Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 50:01James Acaster?

  Side dish is, get ready for this, Nish. Mac and cheese, onion rings, a jar of pesto with a spoon, red Thai curry and creamed spinach. Arranged like a demi-clock.

• 50:12Speaker 04

  See, this is where he started to get me back, I'll be honest with you. Now, I will say that Greg Davis and I do have some real common traits. I.e. disgusting. And so that actually sounds fucking amazing. Like, bear in mind, you're talking to a man who, like, my idea of a snack is I eat a tub of hummus with a spoon.

• 50:33James Acaster?

  Yes.

• 50:34Speaker 04

  Just raw dog the chickpea.

• 50:35James Acaster?

  Me and Nish lived together for a year, couple of years, for a decent amount of time. And I'd regularly come home and Nish would be stood at the fridge, the fridge was open, and he'd be eating a jar of hummus like a yogurt.

• 50:48Speaker 04

  Fantastic stuff.

• 50:50James Acaster?

  I can't remember the last time I visited you and there isn't a, like, a scraped, clean...

• 50:57Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 50:58James Acaster?

  But not washed pot of hummus on your coffee table with the spoon still in it.

• 51:03Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 51:04James Acaster?

  So just with, like, little rings of dried hummus around the outside.

• 51:08Speaker 04

  You can tell how long it's been there because hummus really changes colour over time, doesn't it?

• 51:13James Acaster?

  There's little crusty, just limes around it.

• 51:15Speaker 04

  It's fantastic. Try it yourself. You'll put hot sauce in it, though, right? I liked it. I will, I'm very into, there's a brand of hot sauce called Firefire, and it's, like, there's a Raja Bonnet hot sauce. I think the guy who makes them is from Brixton in South London, but it's called Raja Bonnet hot sauce. My mother. It is delicious. My mother, my mother...

• 51:42James Acaster?

  Hang on. Are you about to say that about your mother? Because this is very confusing now.

• 51:46Speaker 04

  I'm about to tell a story about my actual mother.

• 51:49James Acaster?

  Okay. But you're following it, you're saying my mother, because you enjoyed the sauce, and then you're going, immediately going into a story about your mother.

• 51:55Speaker 04

  It's reminded me of an anecdote involving my mother and chili.

• 51:58James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 51:58Speaker 04

  We, years ago, when Jamie's Italian was still in operation, I must have told you both this, we were at a Jamie's Italian.

• 52:05James Acaster?

  Oh, yes, I have been told the Jamie's Italian story.

• 52:08Speaker 04

  We were at a Jamie's Italian, I can't remember why, but we were there, and...

• 52:12James Acaster?

  I mean, got to have assumed for a meal.

• 52:17Speaker 04

  I forget why we were there.

• 52:19James Acaster?

  He's setting the scene, James, let him set the scene.

• 52:21Speaker 04

  Anyway, my mum tried to order a pizza that was one of the, like, hot pizzas, and the waitress was like, "That's really hot." And my mum went, "Uh, we're Indian."

• 52:32Speaker 04

  Couldn't eat the pizza.

• 52:35Speaker 04

  Couldn't eat the fucking pizza, had to send it back because it was too hot, because I imagine the waitress went in there and said, "Blow this woman's anus off."

• 52:48James Acaster?

  We've got another arrogant Indian in.

• 52:52James Acaster?

  She at the bottom of the Hindus.

• 52:56James Acaster?

  Get her.

• 52:58Speaker 04

  It's so funny. Uh, "We're Indian."

• 53:02Speaker 04

  Fuck me.

• 53:04Speaker 04

  Um, yeah, so I'd been putting Raja Bonnet hot sauce into my hummus and just eating it with a spoon. Absolutely delicious. So this selection...

• 53:12James Acaster?

  So the jar of pesto with a spoon is something you can really get on board with. And that's something I've done regularly in the past.

• 53:17Speaker 04

  So good.

• 53:18James Acaster?

  When I was a fat little boy at home, I would regularly go to the fridge when my mum wasn't looking, get a teaspoon and eat, eat the pesto from the jar.

• 53:25Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:26James Acaster?

  I loved it.

• 53:26Speaker 04

  I love every detail that I learned about you as a kid, and I didn't know that one before, I was adding it to the lore. Absolutely love it, of course you were doing that. You find it really funny, the idea of me and Ed just being younger. You laugh every time you go past Durham on the train.

• 53:41James Acaster?

  Yeah, because I imagine you two at Durham University with Tom Neenan, running around looking like Bogus Bunsen Bean.

• 53:53James Acaster?

  And jumping in the river together.

• 53:54Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:55James Acaster?

  Because you did jump in the river. Really makes me laugh that you all jumped in the river.

• 53:58Speaker 04

  We didn't mean to jump in the river. Well, we meant to jump in the river, we did not mean to, when we got into the river to jump off a boat that was moored, we did not mean to immediately sink that boat.

• 54:07James Acaster?

  Yes. That boat was compromised beyond belief. But every photo I've seen of you guys at uni is just really funny. It's like Ed with a thousand cigarettes in his mouth swearing at the camera.

• 54:19Speaker 04

  Yeah, there is, there is specifically a photo of Ed with loads of cigarettes just hanging out of his mouth. And Nick Mohammed's in that picture as well, because we've done a show with Nick. Nick looks, I would say, literally exactly the same.

• 54:30James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 54:32Speaker 04

  And I, my hair is completely, perfectly circular.

• 54:36James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 54:37Speaker 04

  It's just full, like, disco stew in The Simpsons. Just like, completely a perfect circle on my head.

• 54:45James Acaster?

  That's the great thing about all the photos, is that often Ed will be doing something like rock and roll or something, and Nish will always be there just like...

• 54:53James Acaster?

  He's so happy to be there with his friends. So he's just like, always like, peering over someone, he's never in the foreground. He's always over someone's shoulder, like...

• 55:04James Acaster?

  "What are we doing today, guys?"

• 55:07Speaker 04

  "Jumping in the river, shall they?"

• 55:11James Acaster?

  I love it. So, yeah, I love every time I'm in Durham, they were here running around once. That was funny. It was very good.

• 55:18Speaker 04

  Are you happy with all of, so Greg's having all of these sides? Remind me of all of the individual...

• 55:22James Acaster?

  Mac and cheese, onion rings.

• 55:24Speaker 04

  I'm happy with both of those.

• 55:25James Acaster?

  Red Thai curry, creamed spinach.

• 55:27Speaker 04

  Delicious.

• 55:27James Acaster?

  And, of course, the pesto with the spoon.

• 55:29Speaker 04

  But he's arranging them in a demi-clock, is how he described it. So he's sat at the table and they're arranged in a demi-clock.

• 55:35James Acaster?

  And a lot of people really resonated with that.

• 55:37Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:38James Acaster?

  People really liked the demi-clock idea.

• 55:40Speaker 04

  It's a smorgasbord. It's delicious.

• 55:42James Acaster?

  It's a demi-clock, Nish.

• 55:44Speaker 04

  Sorry, it's a demi-clock.

• 55:45James Acaster?

  Thank you.

• 55:46Speaker 04

  I do apologize.

• 55:46James Acaster?

  What does smorgasbord, um, translate as, do we know?

• 55:50Speaker 04

  Swedish lady?

• 55:51James Acaster?

  Swedish lady? Huh?

• 55:55Speaker 04

  Same thing.

• 55:56James Acaster?

  Demi, demi-clock.

• 55:57Speaker 04

  Right.

• 55:59James Acaster?

  Smorgasbord just translates to smorgasbord, it doesn't mean anything.

• 56:05Speaker 04

  There isn't a direct translation.

• 56:08James Acaster?

  These candies are crazy, man.

• 56:10Speaker 04

  I don't understand why that could be possible. It just is a smorgasbord.

• 56:14James Acaster?

  I guess that's why we say smorgasbord.

• 56:16Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 56:23Speaker 04

  Looks like we're, we found the king of the Swedes.

• 56:27Speaker 04

  Shout out, woman.

• 56:30James Acaster?

  King of the Swedes, is he? That's good.

• 56:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's, so the Thai curry, is that just Thai curry paste? Red curry paste?

• 56:38James Acaster?

  I don't think it's red curry paste. It's not just the paste.

• 56:40Speaker 04

  It's just a full red curry?

• 56:41James Acaster?

  A Thai, yeah, red Thai curry there.

• 56:43Speaker 04

  That's fucking genius, man. That, it's insane to me that he picked no starter and then as one of his sides has a full curry.

• 56:51James Acaster?

  It was doubly to annoy Ed.

• 56:53Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 56:53James Acaster?

  Because Ed was like, "Any one of these could have been your starter, what the fuck is your problem?"

• 56:57Speaker 04

  He could have had, if he'd had a jar of pesto with a spoon as a starter, I would have liked that, would have been on board with that. But no, pass on starter, and then 11 meals as the side dish. That is, it, it's, it does suggest Greg would have been frustratingly an excellently entertaining taskmaster contestant.

• 57:14James Acaster?

  Yes.

• 57:15Speaker 04

  If all he was trying to do was irritate the person in the chair.

• 57:18James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 57:18Speaker 04

  Which is him.

• 57:21James Acaster?

  Um, I think he wanted, so he wants the demi-clock so he can, like, have a bit of this, a bit of this, he can work his way around and constantly be eating all of it.

• 57:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 57:28James Acaster?

  Rather than eat one, then the other, then the other.

• 57:30Speaker 04

  No, that, that's fantastic. The guy's in fair, he deserves the money he has.

• 57:37James Acaster?

  You wanted a Malbec when you came on the pod.

• 57:39Speaker 04

  That's true, yes. I'm drinking a Malbec right now. I've had two sips of it. Delicious.

• 57:44James Acaster?

  That's what I imagine you were like at uni.

• 57:46Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 57:48Speaker 04

  What, counting my sips?

• 57:49James Acaster?

  I've had two sips of this. Hey, hey, Nick Mohammed. I've had two sips of this, delicious.

• 57:55James Acaster?

  Okay, good on you, Nish.

• 57:57Speaker 04

  I'm thinking about learning about politics.

• 58:01Speaker 04

  No way, man. I was too busy being the head of the kissing club.

• 58:05James Acaster?

  You were the head of the debating society.

• 58:07Speaker 00

  ...which you founded.

• 58:10Speaker 04

  No, James, that was at school.

• 58:13Speaker 00

  Oh, sorry, man. Didn't know that was when you were younger and cooler.

• 58:17Speaker 04

  By the time I got to university, I'd discovered something much more impressive to the chicaz. Sketch comedy.

• 58:26Speaker 00

  The chicaz. Oh, yeah, you both did sketch comedy together. Forgot about that.

• 58:30Speaker 04

  Pretty cool.

• 58:31Speaker 00

  Uh, tell them about one of your sketches?

• 58:33Speaker 04

  Nope, they are all too offensive.

• 58:39Speaker 00

  Every single one is too offensive or shit. Many both.

• 58:45Speaker 00

  You wanted the Malbec?

• 58:46Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, I forgot we were doing off menu.

• 58:50Speaker 04

  Greg Davis would like, is what you're gonna have today, a strawberry milkshake with bourbon. Fucking hell, man.

• 58:56Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 58:57Speaker 04

  That guy lives like a French king.

• 59:01Speaker 00

  Luckily, it's never gonna catch up with him.

• 59:06Speaker 00

  Surely you'd love that. That's up your street.

• 59:08Speaker 04

  A strawberry milkshake with bourbon does sound absolutely delicious. Like, it does sound, that does sound really, really good. Uh, is that what, is that the alcohol that's normally in hard shakes?

• 59:19Speaker 00

  Uh, it varies. I think it goes well in a hard shake because it's, it's, some of it's quite sweet naturally anyway.

• 59:26Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 59:26Speaker 00

  Um, we, uh, just after I'd moved into my house, you came over and we decided to have old fashions. Do you remember? My wife got back and we drunk an entire bottle of bourbon. That was, I genuinely do not remember any of that night. And you very happily just got the tube all the way home.

• 59:41Speaker 04

  What I discovered is the tube ride from Ed's house to my house, I'm not gonna dox us by telling Ed, any of you, let's face it, stalkers, where we live. But it's the exact, I got on the tube and started playing Rumours by Fleetwood Mac, fell asleep, and I got, I woke up as I was coming into my stop, and Rumours had completely finished. It was a perfect tube ride.

• 1:00:02Speaker 00

  I like that. There's probably at least one.

• 1:00:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:00:06Speaker 00

  Real, like, obsessive in here. Who is like, right, well, I guess I'm just riding every tube ride and listening to Rumours. Until I figure it out.

• 1:00:16Speaker 00

  I'll get out of every stop.

• 1:00:20Speaker 00

  Let's face it, we've got a lot of people in here who know the Tube map off by heart. Oh, yeah, definitely. Our fans know the Tube map off by heart. Know every word to Rumours. They can figure out where you guys live.

• 1:00:31Speaker 04

  Yeah, it was, uh, they were strong old fashions. Very strong old fashions.

• 1:00:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, I made them, sorry. Uh, by, by the, I very diligently made the first one. Um, you know, with the, with the sugar and the, and the bitters, and the whiskey, and the, I was getting like the orange peel perfectly and doing the twist of orange and spritzing it with the orange. Uh, and then I ran out of orange people, people.

• 1:00:54Speaker 04

  People?

• 1:00:54Speaker 00

  I ran out of.

• 1:00:55Speaker 04

  Oh, let's not gloss over that, the orange people. Ah, we're back to the boss of the Protestants.

• 1:01:06Speaker 00

  Anyway, I ran out of orange peel and by the end of the night, I was putting chunks of satsuma peel in there.

• 1:01:15Speaker 00

  Now, we'll just go straight on to the dessert, I think, Nish.

• 1:01:17Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:01:18Speaker 00

  Um, so you wanted the peach cobbler, of course, discontinue.

• 1:01:22Speaker 04

  Yeah, discontinue, R.I.P., forever in our hearts. And actually, the Idle Hands pie has changed recipes as well, the banana cream pie.

• 1:01:29Speaker 00

  It's better, though.

• 1:01:30Speaker 04

  It's really, I don't, it's as good.

• 1:01:33Speaker 00

  This delicious at Idle Hands, and Nish has shouted it out on the podcast before. This is in Manchester. And in Manchester, and I, you know, I'd had the banana cream pie there, delicious. And then one day I went in and it said brown butter banana cream pie, and I was like, oh, you've changed it. And they went, yeah, we were gonna do this ages ago, but Nish shouted it out, and then we couldn't change it because he'd shouted us out, so we've had to wait until we're in the clear and we can change it again. And then I had one mouth, I was like, well, that's infinitely better. I fucking hate Nish.

• 1:02:03Speaker 00

  For making me eat a worse pie for six months.

• 1:02:05Speaker 04

  They had a banana cream pie, they had artwork up in, uh, in the cafe, and they had a banana cream pie drawing, and that drawing was gifted to me by Dave and Lucy who run Idle Hands, and it's now up in my kitchen. And that was like, that was their way of saying goodbye to the old banana cream pie recipe. And every day, bye, bye, banana cream pie. Gave the poster to Nish.

• 1:02:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, it was, it, the new recipe is also delicious. It's a phenomenal, all of their pies are incredible. I start getting, like, dude, like Pavlov's dog. I start salivating as I pull into Manchester Piccadilly Station. Gets me in trouble with the police, I don't mind telling you. But, yeah, it's, they're, all of their pies are so delicious. And every time any of us goes, including all of our partners, anytime anyone is there, we all, everyone gets a round robin text of what the latest pies are at Idle Hands. It's fucking great.

• 1:03:06Speaker 00

  It's great, but sometimes it can, the only time it got confusing is around Christmas, I went in and, um, and there was like a, you could get by a whole pie, and my partner and I were thinking, it would be great if we could get like a pie for, for Christmas, and, uh, I tried to, there wasn't, there wasn't the one that I wanted. So I, I said, my partner's gonna be here in about a week, and she could pick up the pie if, if you're still around, if it's still open, and they went, no, we won't be able to do that. And I was like, okay, fine. I go away, next day, Nish texts me. Just come into Idle Hands, and the owner says he's heard that you've asked for the pie, and that they can't do it, so shall I put you in touch? I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that'd be great. I got put in touch with the guy, and he said, when do you want it? I said, next week, and he went, oh, yeah, I can't do that.

• 1:03:56Speaker 04

  Were you trying to get the cherry pie?

• 1:03:57Speaker 00

  No, I was trying to get, they did a Christmas one that was kind of like, um, a panettone.

• 1:04:03Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 1:04:04Speaker 00

  Cream pie, and it was so delicious.

• 1:04:06Speaker 04

  I was not in control of that noise. That was so involuntary. Just, oh.

• 1:04:14Speaker 00

  But it was good. Now and again, I do have to remind you that this is at the Royal Albert Hall. There's a moment where you guys are chatting and I was like, this is just like being in Nish's sitting room, quite frankly.

• 1:04:23Speaker 04

  Yeah, but that's the vibe that these guys love. This is the, exactly the sort of searing hot banter.

• 1:04:29Speaker 00

  That's not even half of them responding to that.

• 1:04:33Speaker 04

  That's the vibe these guys love.

• 1:04:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, all, all the Gevase fans left half an hour ago, mate.

• 1:04:39Speaker 04

  And what's Greg's dessert?

• 1:04:41Speaker 00

  You're gonna be eating Greg's Mum's lemon suet pudding. Which I think he told us is not nice.

• 1:04:54Speaker 00

  How'd you feel about Mum's lemon suet pudding?

• 1:04:56Speaker 04

  Now, suet?

• 1:04:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:58Speaker 04

  Is that fat?

• 1:05:01Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:05:02Speaker 04

  It's, I'll tell you what.

• 1:05:04Speaker 00

  You would make dumplings, you would, you would make dumplings with suet?

• 1:05:07Speaker 04

  It doesn't, it's not, it's not immediately appealing.

• 1:05:11Speaker 00

  No, so, I mean, I did, suet does sound very sort of like Victorian. It's very like, but it, suet pudding's a, suet is the raw hard fat of beef, lamb, or mutton, found around the loins and kidneys. Thank you, Benito, it's much more appealing now.

• 1:05:25Speaker 00

  But it does make fantastic, like, puddings, I think.

• 1:05:27Speaker 04

  Right, okay.

• 1:05:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, my grandma used to make a bacon pudding with suet, which was like.

• 1:05:31Speaker 04

  Bacon pudding? Is your grandma Heston Blumenthal? That's incredible. Uh, so what is the lemon suet pudding? Can you, I can't remember.

• 1:05:38Speaker 00

  Well, I'd imagine it'll be similar, or it'll be quite sort of thick textured, but almost like spongy as well. It'll, it'll have that sort of rich fatty taste to it, but with a lot of lemon in it. And a lot of sugar and bubbling. I think there was a lot of talk about it bub, the sugar bubbling away in there.

• 1:05:51Speaker 04

  Yeah, his mum never really nailed the recipe.

• 1:05:56Speaker 04

  But he has to tell her it's nice.

• 1:05:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:58Speaker 04

  One thing we know about Greg Davis, he will slag off his mum.

• 1:06:02Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:06:03Speaker 04

  That's the one thing we know about him, guaranteed.

• 1:06:04Speaker 00

  In an affectionate way, for sure.

• 1:06:06Speaker 04

  It sounds good.

• 1:06:08Speaker 00

  Would you like to, have you met Greg's mum?

• 1:06:10Speaker 04

  No, I don't think I've ever, oh.

• 1:06:12Speaker 00

  You get on with people's parents, don't you?

• 1:06:13Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'm a well, nice, well-brought-up boy.

• 1:06:15Speaker 00

  You're safe for that, I think. You know how you've got friends where you're like, they're a mum guy, but not too much of a mum guy?

• 1:06:22Speaker 04

  Not in a, not in a Stacey's mum has got it going on kind of way.

• 1:06:26Speaker 00

  Yeah. You can trust Nish to be like, introduce him to anyone's parents, there will be a full conversation going on.

• 1:06:31Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'd say that's true of all three of us. We're all.

• 1:06:34Speaker 00

  Absolutely not.

• 1:06:41Speaker 04

  Why would you not introduce James to people?

• 1:06:44Speaker 00

  I have.

• 1:06:44Speaker 04

  Yeah. And what did he do?

• 1:06:47Speaker 00

  Nothing, you, you're fine, but you just, you do refuse to change your personality in front of parents.

• 1:06:53Speaker 04

  Your dad doesn't change his personality either.

• 1:06:55Speaker 00

  Very true. I mean, you, you two meeting is a real, is a real clash of personalities. No, my parents love you, James. No, absolutely.

• 1:07:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, no, no, but Nish is like, you know, my dad had a conversation with Nish once about Bob Dylan.

• 1:07:09Speaker 00

  Mm.

• 1:07:10Speaker 04

  And, cause they both like Bob Dylan.

• 1:07:11Speaker 00

  Love Bob Dylan.

• 1:07:12Speaker 04

  And afterwards, my dad was like, that's the same to me, that was such a great conversation I had with Nish about Bob Dylan, I absolutely loved it. I was like, oh, good. And then the next day, we were having breakfast, and my dad was like, man.

• 1:07:29Speaker 04

  That conversation with Nish was so good.

• 1:07:32Speaker 04

  Okay, I'm glad you liked the conversation with Nish. And this, this was like, 10 years ago.

• 1:07:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:07:38Speaker 04

  Still to this day, if I ever chat with my dad about music, we'll talk about music for a while, and then it'll stop, and then there'll be a pause, and he went, I loved it when I talked to Nish about Bob Dylan. What, what is sort of loosely devastating about that is, your dad and I have had several conversations

• 1:07:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:07:56Speaker 04

  in the ensuing decade about music, but none of them has quite hit the spot for him in the way that that Dylan chat did. It was in our, it was in the flat we were living in in the Edinburgh Fringe.

• 1:08:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:08:05Speaker 04

  But we'd never quite managed to hit, I'm, it's like heroin, like the first hit was so pure, and he's been chasing the dragon ever since.

• 1:08:15Speaker 00

  But no one's, no one's reached those heights since. There's you, there's when he talked to Matthew Crosby about the Straubs.

• 1:08:23Speaker 00

  And then everyone else. Hey, man, what about me? When your dad came to see my Edinburgh show, and afterwards I said, did you enjoy it? And he went, I thought you were very leering.

• 1:08:34Speaker 04

  Yeah, my parents didn't approve of Ed's Edinburgh show.

• 1:08:37Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:08:37Speaker 04

  Uh, my dad said he was leering and came across very leering, and my mum was sitting next to me, who's a Christian, and, uh.

• 1:08:44Speaker 00

  Boss of the Christians?

• 1:08:45Speaker 04

  Boss, yeah. That's better, she, yeah, friends of bad girls. And Ed had a whole bit about Jesus, going like, oh, Jesus, he looks when he ripped on the cross, he looks, and all that, and my mum was going, oh. Like, sitting next to me, audibly going, whoa.

• 1:09:03Speaker 04

  And then Ed went like, Buddha's fat, and my mum went.

• 1:09:13James Acaster?

  Really loved it.

• 1:09:14Speaker 04

  I saw Bob Dylan in this room.

• 1:09:16Speaker 00

  So did I, very briefly.

• 1:09:18Speaker 04

  No, I, this is...

• 1:09:20James Acaster?

  No?

• 1:09:20Speaker 04

  No, this is...

• 1:09:21Speaker 00

  No, I didn't go, sorry.

• 1:09:22Speaker 04

  This is gonna really wind me up. This is gonna wind me up. This is my Greg Davis's dinner.

• 1:09:28Speaker 00

  Right. I was doing a... For a while, there was a gig that ran at the Royal Albert Hall, and they'd book you for the gig, and they'd say, "Oh, you're doing a gig at the Royal Albert Hall", and you'd go, "Fucking hell, that's amazing", I'm like, only a few years into my career, I get to do a gig at the Albert Hall. And then you arrive, and it turns out it was in the café.

• 1:09:43Speaker 04

  It wasn't even the café, it was in a function room.

• 1:09:45Speaker 00

  The Elgar Room, just up there. And you do the gig, and in between going on and coming off or whatever, you could, you could come into the Albert Hall and stand up there and watch whatever was on. And I came in, and I just saw the top of someone's head, and I didn't know what song they were singing, it was just sort of quite garbled and going...

• 1:10:05Speaker 00

  And then after watching it for about five minutes, the audience who were just completely shocked and silent, I just heard the words "blowing in the wind", and I was like, "Fuck me, that's Bob Dylan".

• 1:10:15Speaker 04

  I saw him here, and it was garbled, and it was nonsense, and it was the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life. I, I, it was, I saw him here recently, it was fucking amazing. And, but, I did that gig in 2015 after Edinburgh, and 2015 was like my first Edinburgh that had like, gone, not, I... It wasn't the first one that had gone well, but it was the first one that had gone really well. And like, I was like, "I'm feeling great, I've had a great month", and my first gig back was at the Royal Albert Hall, and I was like, "Fucking hell", I'm gonna be like Dylan in 65. There's a very famous gig that he does here in 1965, that is the culmination of the documentary film Don't Look Back. It's a very, very famous gig. And I was like, "Jesus Christ, this is amazing", go in, see the Elgar Room, think, "Well, this is not quite what I dreamed of".

• 1:10:58Speaker 04

  And now, I will say, this is one of the most extraordinary venues in the world, and it is a true honour for us to be here. That said, the soundproofing in some of the ancillary rooms is not optimum. And so, when you were doing the comedy gig, you could just hear the music gig, and you would just bomb, and it wasn't a bomb to silence, it was a bomb to whatever the music gig was. And the night I did it, it was Dave Gilmour, and I've never bombed so badly in my life and had the song comfortably numb. That, there is no bomb like that, like, you tell a joke, it completely bombs, and then you just hear, "There is no pain, you are receded",

• 1:11:40Speaker 04

  "Hello, is there anybody out there?".

• 1:11:45Speaker 00

  That, that was one of your lines though, right?

• 1:11:48Speaker 04

  "Just nod if you can hear me". It was fucking appalling. I've never been heckled by the venue.

• 1:11:58James Acaster?

  Well, what do you think of Greg Davis's menu then, Nish? You've, you've had a lovely tasting menu there.

• 1:12:03Speaker 04

  I think Greg Davis is a disgusting man. However, I am also a disgusting man. And so, there was quite a lot of his menu, so I, I think he was deliberately trying to irritate you. And I would say that if he was more honest about it, he would have put the demi-clock in as a starter. And if he puts the demi-clock in as a starter, I'm on board with a lot of it. Obviously, I'm not on board with the steak. And I've never fully seen the appeal of a steak. Like, I don't eat beef, I understand, I don't get it, but it just, when I think about meat that I enjoy, it tends to be seasoned or prepared in some way, it's very rarely just like, a slab of flavourless chicken.

• 1:12:45Speaker 04

  Apart from when we go to Nando's with James. But it's, but apart from the steak, I would actually say I enjoyed every element of that menu. I think the strawberry milkshake with bourbon sounds genuinely delicious. I think the demi-clock sounds delicious. I think the soup pudding sounds good. I would love for someone maybe other than his mum to cook it. By the sounds of things, she hasn't quite nailed the recipe. But apart from that, I thought the menu was fantastic. However, I will not be eating the steak, because I am, and we can exclusively reveal this now, the boss of the Hindus.

• 1:13:20Speaker 00

  The boss!

• 1:13:20James Acaster?

  Boss of the Hindus, baby!

• 1:13:25Speaker 00

  Give it up for the boss of the Hindus, Nish Kumar! Guys, thank you so much for coming to the final night at the Royal Albert Hall. If you've come to more than one show, thank you so much. You've been incredible audiences, thank you for coming out on a Monday. Goodnight!

• 1:13:56Speaker 00

  Well, there we are, the final Royal Albert Hall show done, and what a guest.

• 1:14:00James Acaster?

  It's Nish.

• 1:14:01Speaker 00

  It's Nish.

• 1:14:01James Acaster?

  Can't go wrong with Nish. Nishkumar.co.uk, of course.

• 1:14:06Speaker 00

  He's on tour.

• 1:14:06James Acaster?

  Every single website.

• 1:14:07Speaker 00

  Angry, Angry Humour, I'm gonna plug the thing that we're supposed to be plugging. And then, then people can go to the website. Angry Humour from a Really Nice Guy is Nish's latest tour. He hosts Pod Save the UK. He has a YouTube special, Nish Don't Kill My Vibe. There's, you can fill your days with Nish content.

• 1:14:25James Acaster?

  Yeah, there's so much. Nishkumar.co.uk. Uh, thank you, Nish. Um, anything else to add? I mean, I guess, you know, thanks to the Royal Albert Hall for having us on.

• 1:14:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:14:36James Acaster?

  For six shows in a row. That meant a lot, that you lowered yourself to that.

• 1:14:40Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:14:40James Acaster?

  Um, thanks to all the staff at the Royal Albert Hall, they're all amazing while we were there. Uh, let's have some lovely little drinks in the bar afterwards.

• 1:14:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, the bar's looking good, guys.

• 1:14:50James Acaster?

  Yeah, really appreciate that. Um, thank you to Ben and everyone at Plosive.

• 1:14:55Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:14:55James Acaster?

  Doing an amazing job.

• 1:14:57Speaker 00

  Benito.

• 1:14:58James Acaster?

  Benito. Um, and, uh, I guess also just thanks again to all of our guests who came on, and everyone who came, uh, to watch the show.

• 1:15:06Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:15:06James Acaster?

  The audience, you were all fantastic. Thanks to everyone who talked to us as well, um, during the first halves, and put up with us being rude to you.

• 1:15:15Speaker 00

  So rude, sorry.

• 1:15:16James Acaster?

  Yes. And of course, thank you to Charlie and the crew. Now, that's the whole, there's a big live team that puts up all of the... There's a whole like stage set we've got, like massive giant poppadoms, and massive giant like, I think like a cheesecake or whatever, and like...

• 1:15:35Speaker 00

  Oh, huge, and it was even bigger for this Royal Albert Hall run. There was like stuff in the choir section, and we put all that up, and then we released them in audio.

• 1:15:43James Acaster?

  Yes, but Charlie and the crew, you guys put them all up.

• 1:15:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:15:48James Acaster?

  Really appreciate that, you got to go around in a lorry.

• 1:15:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:15:52James Acaster?

  With, with our stage set.

• 1:15:53Speaker 00

  Because we make them after every show at the Royal Albert Hall, we made them pack it all up, drive around the block, and then put it all back up again.

• 1:15:58James Acaster?

  Every time.

• 1:15:58Speaker 00

  Yeah. Um... Thanks to Jilly.

• 1:16:01James Acaster?

  Thanks to Jilly, of course, who, uh, I mean, normally I'd say tour manager, but this wasn't a tour, so what does that mean?

• 1:16:07Speaker 00

  Stage manager, I guess.

• 1:16:08James Acaster?

  I think so, exceptional job.

• 1:16:10Speaker 00

  Great coffee.

• 1:16:11James Acaster?

  Great coffee, Jilly brought in the coffees. And today, by the way, and not to take away from Jilly, Benito's made us some really nice coffee, just like, just for doing these intros and outros that we've been recording. And, uh, to begin with, he didn't want to accept the compliment, we told him how good the coffee was.

• 1:16:26Speaker 00

  Well, it's difficult, I think, when you've made as many coffees for us as Benito has, to suddenly one day, about five years in, for us to go, "Oh, that's nice".

• 1:16:35James Acaster?

  Yeah, and he was like, "This is what I make on the time", he was so angry.

• 1:16:38Speaker 00

  "That's a new bag of beans, maybe it's a new bag of beans".

• 1:16:40James Acaster?

  Yeah, "Might, might be a new bag of beans maybe, but I make this for you every time, guys", and then he had a sip and went, "Oh, that is nice". Little sip, and he realised it was nice coffee. You couldn't deny it. Um, so, you know, but Jilly makes a nice cup every time.

• 1:16:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, and Jilly does many other things besides, by the way, I don't want to say that's not Jilly's job, that's actually Jilly just being nice.

• 1:17:01James Acaster?

  Above and beyond.

• 1:17:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:17:03James Acaster?

  Doesn't need to do that.

• 1:17:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:17:05James Acaster?

  Um, would also like, there was moments in the shows, like, any time that something suddenly appears out of nowhere that a guest has mentioned, that's because Jilly suddenly managed to get it, you know, delivered to the venue. Um, so, everyone played a blinder, I'd say.

• 1:17:19Speaker 00

  Yes, absolutely.

• 1:17:20James Acaster?

  So that was the off-menu live shows at the Royal Albert Hall.

• 1:17:25Speaker 00

  And thank you to the snitch.

• 1:17:26James Acaster?

  Oh, come on, the snitch was there taking photos, Paul Gilby.

• 1:17:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:17:30James Acaster?

  Snapping away, taking the photographs, you probably see him online.

• 1:17:34Speaker 00

  He's got a real talent, that guy. The snitch knows exactly where to be, and what angle to be at, to make me look disgusting. And I respect that.

• 1:17:41James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, I mean, luckily for me, I'm just jumping around all the time at the Royal Albert Hall or any live show, so it's just, I, I completely sign off on whatever. Like, I'm not gonna look good, I'm literally in mid-air.

• 1:17:55Speaker 00

  The snitch goes, "Can we...

• 1:17:56James Acaster?

  In my 40s.

• 1:17:57Speaker 00

  Can we turn the lights down a little bit to make Ed look like a sea hag?

• 1:18:00James Acaster?

  Yeah, that's what the snitch likes.

• 1:18:02Speaker 00

  Yeah. Thank you, bye-bye.

• 1:18:05James Acaster?

  Thank you.