Rob Auton

Comedian, poet, author and award-winning podcast Rob Auton is this week’s dream diner. We better get a bigger restaurant – we need room for a lot of sofas. Rob Auton is on tour with his new show ‘Jupiter’. For dates and tickets go to robauton.co.uk https://www.robauton.co.uk/ Listen to Rob’s podcast, ‘The Rob Auton Daily Podcast https://podfollow.com/1488899890’, wherever you get your podcasts. Follow Rob on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/robauton and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@robauton @robauton Watch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast. Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcast https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast Follow Off Menu on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/offmenuofficial and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@offmenuofficial: @offmenuofficial. And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk https://www.offmenupodcast.co.uk/ for a list of restaurants recommended on the show. Ed Gamble is on tour in 2027 with ‘Fresh Hell’. For dates and tickets go to edgamble.co.uk https://edgamble.co.uk/ Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster. Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Video production by Ben Williams and Megan McCarthy for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Artwork by Paul Gilbey https://www.instagram.com/pushgilbey/ (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 1:28Speaker 03

  Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the Cocoa Pops of chat, pouring over the milk of conversation and watching the conversation turn chocolatey brown.

• 1:38James Acaster?

  That is a gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together, we own a secret restaurant.

• 1:45James Acaster?

  A magical restaurant, a dream restaurant. And every single week, we invite guests and we ask their favorite ever start and main course is that cider champagne drink, not in that order. And this week, our guest is Rob Orton. Rob Orton.

• 1:57Speaker 03

  Wonderful comedian, wonderful poet, wonderful man, James. I always feel very calm in the presence of Rob Orton.

• 2:03James Acaster?

  I feel calm and I feel like Rob has a very special place in people's hearts. If you're a fan of Rob Orton, you'll know what I'm talking about. He means a lot to a lot of people.

• 2:13Speaker 03

  Fan for life.

• 2:14James Acaster?

  Yeah, fan for life, absolutely. Very excited to have him on the pod. Ben's told me to warn the people who are watching this on YouTube that for some reason, the footage will only start when we ask Rob, "Still or sparkling water?", because Ben pressed record, but it didn't start recording.

• 2:32Speaker 03

  I don't know how he knows that because we haven't done it yet.

• 2:35James Acaster?

  We haven't even done it yet. We're very excited to speak to Rob, but if there's a secret ingredient, we will kick him out of the dream restaurant. And the secret ingredient this week is hair. It's hair because he did a hair show.

• 2:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, Rob's done loads of shows that relate to very specific things.

• 2:49James Acaster?

  Yeah, and no one likes hair in them. You know, if you get a hair in your soup, for example.

• 2:55Speaker 03

  You don't want that. You don't want a big bowl of hair.

• 2:58James Acaster?

  No.

• 2:58Speaker 03

  You don't want hairy crackling.

• 3:01James Acaster?

  Yeah, we've dealt with that before on the pod.

• 3:03Speaker 03

  It's dealt with.

• 3:05James Acaster?

  Yeah, it's dealt with. There's very little we haven't dealt with at this point, but we're happy to go back over it.

• 3:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:11James Acaster?

  So hair.

• 3:12Speaker 03

  Rob is touring his new show Jupiter, so go and watch that.

• 3:16James Acaster?

  Yeah, go and watch that. It'll be fantastic comedy, poetry, Rob Orton.

• 3:21Speaker 03

  He also has a podcast, The Rob Orton Daily Podcast, which is part of the Plosive family.

• 3:25James Acaster?

  Yeah, absolutely brilliant. Thank you so much to Rob for coming on. Now, let's speak to him about what meals he wants.

• 3:31Speaker 03

  This is the Off Menu menu of Rob Orton.

• 3:43Speaker 03

  Welcome, Rob, to the Dream Restaurant.

• 3:46Speaker 05

  Hello.

• 3:46James Acaster?

  Welcome, Rob Orton, to the Dream Restaurant. Been expecting you for some time.

• 3:50Speaker 05

  Thank you for having me.

• 3:51Speaker 03

  Now, just because I don't know when this one's going out in terms of other episodes where James had to do this. James lost his voice recently, so he's not doing any shouting today, just so you know, because he's worried that he's going to blow his voice out.

• 4:03Speaker 05

  Really?

• 4:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, so that's why you didn't get the normal sort of big explosion and genie introduction.

• 4:08Speaker 05

  Yeah, no.

• 4:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 4:09James Acaster?

  Yeah, it's one of those. I could probably still go, "Pshh", actually, I should have done that.

• 4:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, you should have done that.

• 4:14James Acaster?

  "Pshh, welcome, Rob Orton, to the Dream Restaurant. Been expecting you for some time."

• 4:17Speaker 03

  He's a chilled-out genie.

• 4:18Speaker 05

  How did you lose your voice?

• 4:20James Acaster?

  Just doing too many of these bloody things for one. A lot of gigs, you know? And then it just ebbed away. I thought I was out of the woods and then it took an absolute nosedive. And I've, you know, I've got to record some singing soon, Rob.

• 4:34Speaker 05

  Have you?

• 4:35James Acaster?

  So that's why I'm looking after it.

• 4:37Speaker 03

  What are you on about?

• 4:38James Acaster?

  I've got to record some singing.

• 4:39Speaker 03

  For what?

• 4:40James Acaster?

  For film.

• 4:41Speaker 05

  Amazing.

• 4:42Speaker 03

  Yeah. Cinderella 2?

• 4:43James Acaster?

  You heard it here first.

• 4:47James Acaster?

  Don't the mouse's back, baby?

• 4:52Speaker 03

  So that's what I'm saying. I'm saying that it's a chilled-out genie today.

• 4:55Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 4:55Speaker 03

  But I feel like that fits your personality. I can't imagine you interacting with a really over-the-top genie.

• 5:01Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's someone who's a bit chilled out, but has got really good powers, you know?

• 5:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 5:07Speaker 05

  So underplays the magical ability, but can really deliver.

• 5:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 5:14James Acaster?

  What's really good powers in your eyes? What does really good powers include?

• 5:19Speaker 05

  Just, I don't know, being on time.

• 5:21James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 5:22Speaker 05

  Can turn up, does the job, and just is able to meet all my needs, really, within the Dream Restaurant.

• 5:31Speaker 03

  Yes, well, we'll definitely meet all your needs within the Dream Restaurant. I don't think there's many things that we'd say no to.

• 5:36Speaker 05

  No.

• 5:37Speaker 03

  I guess we stick within.

• 5:38James Acaster?

  When the secret ingredient, you get kicked out.

• 5:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, so if you pick the secret ingredient, you get kicked out. But I'd say broadly, the Dream Restaurant also sticks within the human legal system.

• 5:49James Acaster?

  Broadly.

• 5:49Speaker 03

  Broadly, I'd say.

• 5:51Speaker 05

  I was worried last night. I started worrying last night about the secret ingredient.

• 5:55James Acaster?

  Did you?

• 5:55Speaker 03

  Did you?

• 5:55Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 5:56Speaker 03

  What are you worried it might be?

• 5:58Speaker 05

  Well, I've put a lot of work into my notes and I thought, "I don't want to get kicked out within two minutes."

• 6:03Speaker 03

  For those of you just listening in the audio format, Rob has brought in, I mean, fairly extensive notes, I'd say. They're very densely written notes.

• 6:13James Acaster?

  In an A4 notebook.

• 6:14Speaker 03

  In an A4 notebook.

• 6:15Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 6:16James Acaster?

  He's got it on his lap, open on his lap.

• 6:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:18James Acaster?

  Every single square inch of that page is covered with writing, and he's wearing a suit.

• 6:24Speaker 03

  And he's wearing a suit. You look very smart, Rob.

• 6:26James Acaster?

  Yes.

• 6:27Speaker 03

  And just before we started recording, you said, "Oh, I probably won't even look at these notes. You're going to look at them. They're on your lap, mate."

• 6:34Speaker 05

  Yeah, okay.

• 6:38James Acaster?

  You're definitely going to look at them.

• 6:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, and I want you to look at them because you've put in a lot of work there, clearly.

• 6:44Speaker 05

  Well, we'll see. We'll start with the notes and if it's, if they're not doing me justice, I'll bin them off.

• 6:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, all right. Well, that's going to be a big moment if you bin them off later.

• 6:54Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 6:55James Acaster?

  Do all your notes rhyme?

• 6:56Speaker 05

  No.

• 6:57James Acaster?

  Or your poems rhyme?

• 6:58Speaker 05

  Nope.

• 6:58James Acaster?

  Yeah, every single one of your poems rhymes.

• 7:01Speaker 05

  "If I have a son, his name will be Dad, after my dad." No rhymes, just the same word.

• 7:09Speaker 03

  That's technically a rhyme, though, is it?

• 7:11Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, same, just same word over and over again.

• 7:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 7:16Speaker 05

  Francis Bacon and Kevin Bacon are the rushes from a very talented pig. Bacon again.

• 7:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's bacon again, yeah.

• 7:23Speaker 05

  Bacon, bacon.

• 7:25Speaker 03

  Wouldn't work with anything else, though. Rob, do you like food?

• 7:28Speaker 05

  Funny you ask that. If someone said to me, "You can press this button, right, and never eat again, and you'll have a balanced diet and your desired physique", and they're like, "Oh, think of all the money you've saved. Why don't you just press this button?" The only catch is you're the only one who isn't allowed to eat and everyone else can. I'd say, "No, I want to keep eating."

• 7:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:52Speaker 05

  Because all my friends and family will be eating. And I'd be like, "Nah, I can't. I'll just sit there." So I love food, yeah.

• 7:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:00Speaker 05

  And just before I came here, I was in, am I allowed to say Costa Coffee?

• 8:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:05Speaker 05

  They do a sausage sandwich that might not sound like much, but it's flipping awesome.

• 8:12James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 8:12Speaker 03

  Because very rarely do we get a positive shout-out for Costa Coffee sausage sandwich.

• 8:16Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 8:17Speaker 03

  Or Costa Coffee in general.

• 8:17James Acaster?

  I'd say it's the first time.

• 8:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:19Speaker 05

  Well, I don't know.

• 8:21James Acaster?

  Very rare.

• 8:23Speaker 05

  You know, when you're doing gigs and like you get, you're looking for safe, stable.

• 8:26Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 8:26Speaker 05

  Thing, like go-tos, aren't you?

• 8:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:29Speaker 05

  And I'm not eating sausage sandwiches all the time, but it's great bread. Three small sausages. Ketchup. They know how to heat a bread bun, I'll tell you that for nothing.

• 8:39James Acaster?

  Oh, yeah?

• 8:40Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 8:41Speaker 03

  Microwave?

• 8:42Speaker 05

  Probably.

• 8:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:46James Acaster?

  But you love it.

• 8:47Speaker 05

  Yeah, even I've never heard a ding in a Costa review.

• 8:51Speaker 03

  I don't think I have heard a ding in a Costa.

• 8:53Speaker 05

  No, it's not.

• 8:54Speaker 03

  Maybe they have a different sound, so people don't know it's a microwave.

• 8:57Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 8:58Speaker 03

  Maybe it's like a honk or something.

• 9:00Speaker 05

  Yeah, maybe.

• 9:00James Acaster?

  Could I just go over the rules of this button that if you press it.

• 9:06Speaker 03

  You've been thinking about the buttons, the button, yeah.

• 9:08James Acaster?

  Yeah, so what are the rules? If you press the button.

• 9:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 9:11James Acaster?

  You'll never have to eat again, but you'll still be, have all the nutrition you ever would need.

• 9:17Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 9:17James Acaster?

  And be fit and healthy.

• 9:20Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 9:21James Acaster?

  But everyone else will be eating. Was there any other rules?

• 9:24Speaker 05

  No.

• 9:25James Acaster?

  That was it.

• 9:26Speaker 05

  You're trying to get tips from the bottom for your genie?

• 9:29James Acaster?

  No, just, I was unclear.

• 9:32Speaker 05

  Well.

• 9:32James Acaster?

  Initially, what the.

• 9:33Speaker 03

  I don't know who, who would pick the button, though. Who are these people who are picking the button?

• 9:38Speaker 05

  Well, I guess busy people.

• 9:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:40Speaker 05

  I, I talked about that because you asked me if I liked food and I hope it demonstrates how much I like food because I was queuing up for that sausage sandwich and I was like, it's good every time, just eating.

• 9:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:53Speaker 05

  And I'm so pleased that we have to do it.

• 9:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, oh, God, it's the highlight of my day.

• 9:57Speaker 05

  Yeah, every, every day.

• 9:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, every day.

• 9:59Speaker 05

  You're like, oh, great, I'm looking forward to this musically.

• 10:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, at least three times a day, it's the highlight of my day.

• 10:04Speaker 05

  Yeah, and everyone's got that in common, I think.

• 10:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:07Speaker 05

  I mean, it's, is it a trial for some people? Ah, Jesus Christ, really gonna do this again?

• 10:12James Acaster?

  There are some people.

• 10:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:14James Acaster?

  But I bet all the billionaires, I bet Bezos doesn't like eating, I bet, I bet Bezos would push the button.

• 10:18Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 10:19James Acaster?

  Zuckerberg would push, push the button.

• 10:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, Zuckerberg is pushing that button.

• 10:23James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 10:24Speaker 05

  But, you know, it's such a social thing, isn't it? What's he gonna be doing when, when everyone else is eating? It's just, well, maybe he's gonna be talking, maybe he's gonna be thinking of something else.

• 10:32James Acaster?

  Making money.

• 10:33Speaker 03

  Steve Jobs would have pushed the button.

• 10:35James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 10:35Speaker 03

  Because, you know, he had the same outfit, didn't he? He had, you know, the same outfit in multiples, so he didn't have to think about what he was wearing in the morning.

• 10:42Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 10:42Speaker 03

  So he's definitely getting up, pushing the button, putting on his black t-shirt or whatever.

• 10:46James Acaster?

  Yeah, hundred percent.

• 10:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:47Speaker 05

  Levi's.

• 10:49Speaker 03

  Levi's.

• 10:49Speaker 05

  White shoes.

• 10:51Speaker 03

  I mean, it was a good outfit, but, you know, for me, a joy is picking a little outfit as well in the morning. What am I gonna wear? You put the suit on today, but you felt good when you put the suit on.

• 10:59Speaker 05

  Yeah, do you know what? It was the first time in a long time where I thought about what I was gonna wear. Normally, I don't really think about clothes too much.

• 11:06Speaker 03

  You press the button normally, you press the clothes button.

• 11:09Speaker 05

  Pretty much.

• 11:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 11:10James Acaster?

  Would you press the clothes button if you pressed it and you didn't have to think about what you wear anymore? Just every day, you get up and there's just a brand new outfit. It's the same.

• 11:22Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 11:22James Acaster?

  This is clean, waiting for you, ironed.

• 11:26Speaker 05

  I'm more, I think I'm more likely to press that.

• 11:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:29James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 11:29Speaker 05

  But I do like variety and like, you know, going out for a nice meal. Is that a similar feeling as to like putting on some clothes you've never worn before? Maybe, just being like, I wonder how this is gonna make me feel.

• 11:44James Acaster?

  Yeah. Can you remember like a favourite t-shirt you ever had that you used to really look forward to wearing? Still love it?

• 11:50Speaker 05

  Um.

• 11:51Speaker 03

  Lovely question, mate.

• 11:52Speaker 05

  Pardon?

• 11:53Speaker 03

  So just saying it's a lovely question.

• 11:55Speaker 05

  Um.

• 11:56Speaker 03

  I think there's a spin-off podcast here.

• 11:58James Acaster?

  Could be.

• 11:58Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah. I've got a Radiohead t-shirt from, hmm, two thousand and three, I think.

• 12:07James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 12:07Speaker 05

  I really like. And, oh, no, my favourite one is Primal Scream Exterminator.

• 12:13James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 12:13Speaker 05

  Artwork that I absolutely love. It's just black and it's faded and I got it from Leeds two thousand.

• 12:20James Acaster?

  Oh, wow.

• 12:21Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 12:21Speaker 03

  And you still got it?

• 12:22Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 12:23Speaker 03

  Oh, respect.

• 12:24James Acaster?

  I went to Red in two thousand.

• 12:25Speaker 05

  Did you?

• 12:26James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 12:26Speaker 05

  Good lineup.

• 12:27James Acaster?

  Good lineup.

• 12:28Speaker 03

  I was at Leeds two thousand, I think, for a day.

• 12:30Speaker 05

  We, yeah, what, the Rage, Rage Day?

• 12:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, I was there for the Rage Day, yeah.

• 12:34Speaker 05

  With Daphne and Celeste.

• 12:36James Acaster?

  I saw Daphne and Celeste, I was at the, I was at the one where we bottled them.

• 12:39Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 12:40James Acaster?

  It's being reappraised now, we're the bad guys apparently.

• 12:43Speaker 03

  Who would have thought the people throwing piss were the bad guys?

• 12:46James Acaster?

  Sorry.

• 12:47Speaker 05

  I went to V99 before that, that was my first festival.

• 12:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 12:51Speaker 05

  And they had a pot noodle van there with a huge pot noodle on the top of it.

• 12:56James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 12:56Speaker 05

  And such a good van to have at a festival.

• 12:59James Acaster?

  Wow.

• 12:59Speaker 05

  It was, it was very affordable.

• 13:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:02James Acaster?

  And did you go, did you go into the pot noodle itself?

• 13:04Speaker 05

  No.

• 13:05James Acaster?

  And you couldn't walk into the pot noodle?

• 13:07Speaker 05

  No, it was just like a big plastic.

• 13:09James Acaster?

  That's what it used to be.

• 13:11Speaker 05

  Really?

• 13:11James Acaster?

  Before that.

• 13:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:13James Acaster?

  Yeah, if going further back, it was just a giant pot noodle and you would walk into the pot noodle.

• 13:19Speaker 03

  And buy a, buy a lot of.

• 13:20James Acaster?

  And buy a pot noodle.

• 13:21Speaker 05

  Really?

• 13:22James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 13:22Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 13:23James Acaster?

  What do you think about that?

• 13:24Speaker 05

  I think that's pretty good. Where would, where, would you see that?

• 13:27James Acaster?

  Festivals.

• 13:28Speaker 03

  Well, we, we've never seen it.

• 13:29James Acaster?

  We've never seen it.

• 13:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:30James Acaster?

  But Chris McCollum's seen it.

• 13:32Speaker 03

  That's wild, isn't it? That today, for listeners, the episode we recorded before, Rob's, was the Christmas special with Chris McCollum.

• 13:41James Acaster?

  Chris McCollum.

• 13:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, and he talked about being at a festival when he was nineteen and buying a pot noodle from inside a big pot noodle. And then you've come here and you've said you bought a pot noodle at V99.

• 13:52James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 13:53Speaker 03

  That's, that's mad.

• 13:54James Acaster?

  If the listeners don't believe it, this is on the same day, my trousers are still stained like, like, like they were with Chris. You can see that on the camera there.

• 14:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, and James isn't the sort of idiot who would spill something on his trousers twice in his life.

• 14:07James Acaster?

  And I'm not wearing the same outfit every day like Steve Jobs. And not even bothering to, to wash it.

• 14:15James Acaster?

  Still a sparkling water, Rob?

• 14:16Speaker 05

  Still, yeah, big fan of water, safer. I think sparkling water, there's too much, bit too much drama in it for me.

• 14:24James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 14:25Speaker 05

  Um, I like the stillness.

• 14:27James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 14:28Speaker 05

  Yeah, I wrote a show about water.

• 14:30Speaker 03

  You did.

• 14:30James Acaster?

  You did, called?

• 14:32Speaker 05

  The Water Show.

• 14:33Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 14:33Speaker 05

  What is water? Water is the smell of a pint of orange cordial before you've added the cordial.

• 14:39Speaker 05

  Water, the opposite of pastry, soup for people who don't like ingredients.

• 14:46Speaker 05

  I've got, in my notes, I've got some stuff written down before that, though.

• 14:50Speaker 03

  Did you think about calling it Wat- Water Brilliant Show?

• 14:53Speaker 05

  Well, I've got, there's a bit in the show that is water, what is it good for? Absolutely loads of stuff, so that's kind of, that's kind of similar, isn't it?

• 15:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 15:02James Acaster?

  I remember that bit goes on for a long time as well. It's really funny. You get the audi- the audience to sing along.

• 15:09Speaker 05

  Yeah, big time.

• 15:10James Acaster?

  Are you into stuff like, god.

• 15:12Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 15:14James Acaster?

  Um, you said you got stuff written before this thing, so clearly you wanna say that first, I can tell.

• 15:19Speaker 03

  So I absolutely love that it was, I'm gonna get rid of the, I'm not even gonna look at my notes. And now you're going, hang on, I've got stuff before this, I can go back.

• 15:26James Acaster?

  You've moved me on to water, but I've actually got other stuff that I wanted to say.

• 15:32Speaker 05

  The name of my, so it's the Dream Restaurant, but subtitle.

• 15:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:35Speaker 05

  Um, the meal of my life, right?

• 15:38Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 15:39Speaker 05

  So I'd just like to talk briefly about when you walk in, what there is.

• 15:42Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 15:43James Acaster?

  Yeah, go on.

• 15:44Speaker 05

  So there's a lounge area, right?

• 15:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:47Speaker 05

  And it's got my mum and dad's fireplace in it from where I grew up.

• 15:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:51Speaker 05

  I'm like, ah, yes, that's great. And then.

• 15:54James Acaster?

  And where, where did you grow up for the listener?

• 15:56Speaker 05

  Um, a small village just outside of York.

• 15:59James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 15:59Speaker 05

  And then there's loads of settees everywhere and I'm like, oh, they look a bit weird and mismatched. What are they? And they're all the sofas from the houses and flats I've ever lived in.

• 16:10Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 16:10Speaker 05

  Right, so they're all there, loads of different ones from my parents. I was common room at sixth form college, university sofa, first flat in London. I've lived in nine different places in London, right? And they're all there, I'm like, oh, look at all these together.

• 16:25Speaker 03

  And you liked those sofas then, that's why.

• 16:27Speaker 05

  I like old sofas.

• 16:28Speaker 03

  But short, like, I'm thinking, common room in sixth form college.

• 16:32Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 16:33Speaker 03

  That sofa's gonna be gross as hell, isn't it?

• 16:35Speaker 05

  Yeah, but it's, it's more about the idea.

• 16:38Speaker 03

  Okay, so it's the idea of a sofa rather than, it doesn't have all the like.

• 16:41James Acaster?

  Will you feel nostalgic when you go into the sofa room and you see all the sofas from your life?

• 16:46Speaker 05

  I think so.

• 16:47James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 16:47Speaker 05

  I've got some memories from sitting on the sofas at university, sitting around in, in, in those flats and just vegetating there and just.

• 16:56Speaker 03

  Do you have a favourite sofa? If you, because obviously when you go for your meal, you're not gonna be able to sit on all the sofas for a long time.

• 17:01Speaker 05

  No, no, this is just the entrance.

• 17:03Speaker 03

  Oh, so you're not even gonna sit on them?

• 17:04Speaker 05

  No.

• 17:05Speaker 03

  No, you just have a look?

• 17:06Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 17:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, fair enough.

• 17:07Speaker 05

  Well, waited to be seated, you know?

• 17:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:09Speaker 05

  Um, and I'm like, oh, it's a bit dark in here, so I switch the lights on. Hanging from the ceiling is every light from every house I've ever lived in. Looks a bit funky, but then you've got bathroom lights next to kitchen lights, all that. It's well lit and the fire you walk through and it's like, and there's ta- tables from my life everywhere. All the lamps from my life, turtle's lamp, thundercat's lamp.

• 17:33Speaker 03

  Oh, yes.

• 17:34Speaker 05

  Cloud's lamp, you know, all that. And then we're in.

• 17:40Speaker 05

  All the placemats are there, all the cutlery is from different parts of my life, different plates, all that stuff, you know.

• 17:48James Acaster?

  All the chairs.

• 17:49Speaker 05

  All the chairs.

• 17:50James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 17:50Speaker 03

  So it's quite a busy restaurant, you would say. It's not one of these sort of like fancy sparse looking restaurants. There's stuff everywhere.

• 17:57Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 17:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, nice.

• 17:58Speaker 05

  Yeah, there's stuff everywhere, but it's all very considered and the food's good.

• 18:04Speaker 03

  Mm hmm. Yeah, we'll get on to that.

• 18:07James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 18:07Speaker 05

  Yeah. Easter egg mugs is what I wanted to talk about.

• 18:11James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 18:11Speaker 05

  Um, do you remember?

• 18:13James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 18:14Speaker 05

  Why don't they?

• 18:14James Acaster?

  Great.

• 18:15Speaker 05

  Is that still a thing?

• 18:16James Acaster?

  I think it's still a thing. What they, I don't know, I've not seen an uh, an Easter egg that comes with a mug.

• 18:22Speaker 05

  Ah, love that brown.

• 18:23James Acaster?

  For ages, but yeah, it used to be a regular thing. Yeah, the Smarties one.

• 18:27Speaker 03

  It was a way of them making Easter eggs smaller, right? So in the box, they would sit them in the mug.

• 18:32James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 18:33Speaker 03

  And the mug would be in there.

• 18:35Speaker 05

  Is that right? You think even back in the day?

• 18:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, and I think they might, they might start to make the mugs bigger so they can make the Easter eggs even smaller. Although I don't know what the economics of that is to sell a bigger mug and a smaller Easter egg. Probably actually cheaper to make, give me more chocolate.

• 18:48James Acaster?

  I think you have to make the mug smaller to make the Easter eggs smaller.

• 18:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's down to an egg cup, which is actually more appropriate.

• 18:54James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, it'd make more sense actually.

• 18:56Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 18:56James Acaster?

  Weird that they didn't do egg cups straight away.

• 18:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:59James Acaster?

  They did a mug. That must have been what went wrong. It's that someone was like, oh, we should do egg cups.

• 19:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:05James Acaster?

  But couldn't think of the word for it. And we're like, you know, like an egg mug.

• 19:10Speaker 03

  Egg mug, yeah, yeah.

• 19:11James Acaster?

  Yeah, I never liked.

• 19:12Speaker 03

  Put the egg in the mug.

• 19:13James Acaster?

  Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Show them the Smarties mug, oh fuck.

• 19:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:17James Acaster?

  Well, this won't make any sense, but hopefully people won't like it anyway. Everyone in York's going up crazy for it.

• 19:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:24James Acaster?

  And York, do you eat a lot of Yorkies?

• 19:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, well, my um, nan had a Roundtree's card. It used to be called Joseph Roundtree's, the factory that made after eights, fruit pastels, fruit gums, and um, we always used to get the uh, miss shapes.

• 19:44James Acaster?

  Oh.

• 19:44Speaker 05

  So I've got memories of like big bags of toffees and fudge and

• 19:48James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 19:49Speaker 05

  um, strangely shaped fruit gums. Like one of my happiest memories probably is watching um, World Cup Battalion ninety.

• 19:56James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 19:57Speaker 05

  And on the sofa with these bags of sweets that we used to get and

• 20:01James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 20:01Speaker 05

  And York, certain part of York, always used to smell of um, like minty chocolate from the, from the after eights.

• 20:10Speaker 03

  That's a good smell for a city to have.

• 20:12Speaker 05

  Yeah, I never, I mean, I, I used to appreciate it a bit, but not as much as I should have done.

• 20:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, when you, when you leave, when you leave that area and then you come to like, you come to London or you go to Edinburgh and it stinks of hops or whatever.

• 20:24Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 20:25Speaker 03

  You're like, I wish I was back in York for the minty chocolate smell. What does Kettering smell of?

• 20:29James Acaster?

  Wait, it's, yeah, it's the Waiter Bix factory, what's over there?

• 20:32Speaker 03

  Well, I grew up in Wimbledon, it smells of tennis balls.

• 20:35Speaker 03

  The whole place.

• 20:36James Acaster?

  I'll tell for that. Um, still water then?

• 20:38Speaker 05

  Yes, but a specific type of still water. So sometimes you have water and it's like water times ten, you know? Mainly when you're thirsty.

• 20:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:50Speaker 05

  And me and my university friends every year go to Blacklock in Soho.

• 20:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:57James Acaster?

  Uh huh.

• 20:57Speaker 05

  And we do that thing where it's just all in and you have all the meat.

• 21:03Speaker 03

  It's piles of chops.

• 21:04Speaker 05

  Piles of chops and, and then loads of beers obviously, and then you

• 21:09Speaker 03

  Legend.

• 21:09Speaker 05

  And

• 21:12Speaker 05

  cut that, loads of beers obviously a bit.

• 21:13James Acaster?

  No, no, keep that in.

• 21:15Speaker 03

  Loads of beers.

• 21:16James Acaster?

  Don't, don't make, don't even make a note, but you've got, this is, this is who he is.

• 21:20Speaker 05

  Loads of beers, obviously.

• 21:21James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 21:21Speaker 05

  Loads of beers.

• 21:22James Acaster?

  He's a lad at heart.

• 21:23Speaker 05

  And um, but without fail, wake up at two o'clock or three o'clock in the morning.

• 21:30James Acaster?

  Ooh.

• 21:30Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 21:35James Acaster?

  For another beer?

• 21:36Speaker 05

  Obviously, wake up, wake up at two or three, obviously. Um, but the thirst of that is ridiculous, you know? You're like, oh my god, what am I gonna do? And you think, oh. Then you suddenly remember being like, oh, water. And that, that is, that for me is like water times ten when you have that. So I would like every glass of water to possess that power.

• 21:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:59Speaker 05

  In that restaurant. So people are going in, they don't even think they're thirsty, but then you're like, whoa, oh my god. Yeah. This feels great.

• 22:08Speaker 03

  So that's interesting. So do you, do you wanna, cause I would say that that water is delicious because you feel really bad.

• 22:15Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 22:15Speaker 03

  And you feel really dehydrated and you feel a bit hungover.

• 22:18Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 22:19Speaker 03

  So do you wanna feel quite bad before every glass of water in the dream restaurant?

• 22:23Speaker 05

  No, this is where it kind of falls apart.

• 22:25Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 22:26Speaker 05

  Because to get that feeling from the water, you need to feel horrific.

• 22:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:32Speaker 05

  But I don't wanna feel horrific in a dream restaurant.

• 22:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:34James Acaster?

  Hmm.

• 22:35Speaker 05

  But I want to experience, maybe it's like um, it's a, a fifteen second blast of feeling horrific and then you have the water.

• 22:44James Acaster?

  And you have the water. But how about like, you know, we take, like, say, say that horrific feeling you have before you have the water times ten.

• 22:50Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 22:50James Acaster?

  And then how good you feel when you have the water times ten.

• 22:52Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 22:53James Acaster?

  How about we move all that up so that we move the horrific feeling to you feeling just normal, good?

• 22:58Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 22:58James Acaster?

  And then the water times ten feeling moves up the same degree.

• 23:01Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 23:02James Acaster?

  So you have that and you still feel that same increase, that same jump.

• 23:06Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 23:07James Acaster?

  But you don't have to feel horrific.

• 23:08Speaker 05

  That sounds good. That's why.

• 23:10James Acaster?

  Dealt with.

• 23:11Speaker 05

  The genie is doing his thing.

• 23:15James Acaster?

  I should have done it then.

• 23:17Speaker 05

  What?

• 23:19James Acaster?

  I've got to do poppums or bread, Rob, but I keep forgetting. Do you know what?

• 23:24Speaker 03

  And I could feel, I could feel his beady little eyes in my head, like, ah, he's not done it, he's not done it. But I was just enjoying the chat, that's what I'm here for, it was a lovely chat and I liked all that water chat.

• 23:34Speaker 05

  Yeah, well, you know.

• 23:35Speaker 03

  James did that and there was a moment there where I felt I should have done it, but because of the, the B L E's, the beady little eyes, I

• 23:42James Acaster?

  I weren't looking at you. I was looking at Rob and then you look, I, I felt you look at me and that's what made me laugh.

• 23:46Speaker 03

  Cause I knew I could be, you weren't, when I said beady little eyes are figurative, you don't have to be looking at me for them to be boring into me.

• 23:52James Acaster?

  Fair enough.

• 23:52Speaker 03

  It's the whole atmosphere coming off here stinks. The atmosphere stinks.

• 23:57James Acaster?

  This is, this is very defensive because it's, you know, I think

• 24:01Speaker 03

  I don't normally have to do this, it's three hundred something episodes. I did it, I've done it maybe the last couple we've recorded.

• 24:06James Acaster?

  Yeah, I think everyone could appreciate, you know, actually how half my job is on this podcast now. But Ed, dropping the ball is constantly.

• 24:15Speaker 03

  Well, cause I'm normally there facilitating the chat, I'm translating you for the guest, I'm doing all of that.

• 24:20James Acaster?

  Yeah, don't eat it today, don't eat it.

• 24:21Speaker 03

  Don't eat it today.

• 24:22James Acaster?

  If anything.

• 24:22Speaker 03

  No, no, no, I don't.

• 24:24James Acaster?

  You're the one who's at sea. Me and Rob, either side of you.

• 24:27Speaker 03

  Same page, same page these guys.

• 24:28James Acaster?

  Yeah, we know what each other's saying.

• 24:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 24:30James Acaster?

  Good luck to you, mate.

• 24:31Speaker 03

  No, I just wanna fill these silences so bad. You two, it's like you two are in love.

• 24:36Speaker 05

  What silences?

• 24:40Speaker 03

  It's just the

• 24:41Speaker 05

  Get that on a t-shirt.

• 24:41Speaker 03

  Very slow.

• 24:44Speaker 03

  Like slow, considered chat between the two of you and it's lovely, but god, I wanna get in there.

• 24:48Speaker 05

  What, really?

• 24:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 24:50Speaker 05

  I thought we were all doing all right.

• 24:51Speaker 03

  I thought, I think we are doing wonderfully. I think it's great.

• 24:54Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 24:54Speaker 03

  But I've been worried about having to say poppums or bread.

• 24:56James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 24:57Speaker 05

  All right, yeah, get that done then.

• 24:58James Acaster?

  Do you know what I saw on a t-shirt in, in, on Venice Beach, it's a mannequin, poppums or bread, Rob Orton, poppums or bread? Made him jump, that was good, he did jump.

• 25:08Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 25:09James Acaster?

  It said, who ate all the pussy?

• 25:16Speaker 03

  So hang on, was, does the t-shirt suggest that the guy wearing the t-shirt has eaten it?

• 25:21James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 25:21Speaker 03

  Or is it, or is he genuinely like, who has eaten all the pussy?

• 25:25James Acaster?

  It was, it was unclear, but it really made me laugh and it made my partner laugh.

• 25:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:29James Acaster?

  And then she went to a, uh, this really like fancy, like bear making workshop, not build a bear, like a, like a fancy one. And you had to decide in advance what you were gonna sow on the paw. And she said to me, watch the, and I said, you're gonna, you're gonna have, who ate all the pussy? And she was like, I'm not putting that on it. Everyone else, this is a very like

• 25:49Speaker 03

  You can't do that in a workshop.

• 25:50James Acaster?

  Well regarded, like Victorian era bears. I'm not gonna, everyone else is like, writing all fancy stuff on there.

• 25:57Speaker 03

  Augustus or something.

• 25:58James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, writing like philosophical quotes on there.

• 26:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, it wasn't the name of the bear, it was you could write whatever you wanted.

• 26:04James Acaster?

  You liked.

• 26:05Speaker 03

  Yeah. Do you wanna who ate all the pussy on there? That's

• 26:08James Acaster?

  Yeah, that's what I kept on saying. I was like, I'm not gonna suggest anything else, stop asking me.

• 26:11Speaker 03

  Yeah. Any ideas on who ate all the pussy?

• 26:14Speaker 05

  No.

• 26:17James Acaster?

  If we told you in advance, you could have written it, you know, you, you, you would have done something in there.

• 26:22Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 26:22Speaker 03

  Poppums or bread, Rob Orton?

• 26:24Speaker 05

  Uh, bread, yes, for me. And the bread I would like is bread from the hotel that my mum used to work in. Cause we lived in this village, my parents lived there. And uh, there was a hotel and my mum got a job there as a waitress. And she started making the bread for the whole hotel.

• 26:49James Acaster?

  That's cool.

• 26:50Speaker 05

  So she was always making bread buns um, before her shifts. And it was one of those things that I never really thought about when I was growing up. I was just like, yeah, the house stinks of bread.

• 27:01James Acaster?

  Stinks.

• 27:02Speaker 05

  Like, and I should have appreciated it, but I was, yeah, it smelled lovely.

• 27:08Speaker 03

  Same with it, so you've got bread smell in your house, you've got mint chocolate outside your house and you're not appreciating it.

• 27:14Speaker 05

  No, no, take me back.

• 27:15Speaker 03

  In a wonderland, Rob. Yeah.

• 27:18Speaker 05

  But no, it was, it was, you know, I should have appreciated it more. And the house wasn't even up for sale and it was just smelt of bread everywhere. But I often think about that. I'm like, did they say to her, we need someone to make some bread?

• 27:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:32Speaker 05

  Or we should like, oh, I can make some bread buns if you want.

• 27:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:36Speaker 05

  All right, well, bring them in, we'll see what they're like. And then um, she'd take them in, oh, these are nice actually. And then um, sometimes when um, she said to the customers, do you want, you want any, takes bread buns out, it's like, oh, these are nice. She'd say, well, I made them. You know what I mean? So that's the bread that I would like.

• 27:59James Acaster?

  Yeah, was it white bread, brown bread?

• 28:01Speaker 05

  It was uh, white.

• 28:02James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 28:03Speaker 05

  And when I first got the email about doing this podcast.

• 28:06James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 28:07Speaker 05

  I thought, I'm gonna get my mum to come down. And at this moment, she'd walk in with some of those bread buns. But the episode came around quicker than I thought.

• 28:19Speaker 05

  So, sorry lads.

• 28:20Speaker 03

  If, just so you know, if that had happened, it'd be the greatest moment of my life.

• 28:24James Acaster?

  It's not, I'd laugh.

• 28:25Speaker 03

  If you, if we didn't know your mum was here.

• 28:27James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 28:27Speaker 03

  And you said.

• 28:29James Acaster?

  And here's my mum now.

• 28:30Speaker 03

  Yeah. And she came in with bread buns.

• 28:31James Acaster?

  She gave me some, I made them.

• 28:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:33Speaker 05

  Yeah, it would have been a clip, wouldn't it?

• 28:35James Acaster?

  Do you like them?

• 28:35Speaker 03

  It would have been a clip, yeah.

• 28:37James Acaster?

  It would have been.

• 28:37Speaker 03

  Although, actually, the camera's not really set up for someone to walk into shop. It would have been a really weird clip of your mum's arse.

• 28:43Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 28:44James Acaster?

  Wouldn't it better see, yeah, like the woman in Tom and Jerry?

• 28:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:47James Acaster?

  Wouldn't it better see your mum's face?

• 28:49Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 28:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:51Speaker 05

  So that's the bread that I'd like.

• 28:52Speaker 03

  Delicious. And with butter, do you, would you have butter with that or are they something?

• 28:56Speaker 05

  Yeah, butter, I mean, I've really been getting into, uh, salt in butter and also on cookies, you know?

• 29:05James Acaster?

  Yeah, salted cookies are great, aren't they?

• 29:07Speaker 05

  Fantastic.

• 29:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:08Speaker 05

  I'm only, yeah, I was like, what? But, um, yeah, I'm into it.

• 29:15James Acaster?

  Your dream starter, Rob?

• 29:17Speaker 05

  Just before I go on to that, can I just say?

• 29:19James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 29:20Speaker 05

  That the mood that I'm going into this restaurant in is, um, at school, I don't know if you guys had this, but at our school, different years had different days for them to have first dinners.

• 29:32James Acaster?

  Okay.

• 29:33Speaker 05

  Where it's like, when you're on first dinners, you run up and you're like, aye, we're on first dinners, this is everything.

• 29:40James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 29:41Speaker 05

  And then on the last one.

• 29:42James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 29:42Speaker 05

  Ah, cut that.

• 29:44James Acaster?

  What? What do you mean? You're, you're, you're the mood to be when it's your first, turn to first dinners?

• 29:49Speaker 03

  First dinner mood.

• 29:50Speaker 05

  Yeah, so it's, so, yeah, you're running up, you're like, oh, come on, we're on first dinners, this is everything, eh?

• 29:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 29:55James Acaster?

  I think that's great, don't cut that.

• 29:56Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 29:58James Acaster?

  I think it's a great, it's a great mood to go into the restaurant.

• 30:00Speaker 05

  Starters, right.

• 30:01James Acaster?

  First dinners.

• 30:02Speaker 05

  Me and my friends used to do this thing at Christmas when everyone would bring a dish and we'd end up with this massive meal.

• 30:08James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 30:09Speaker 05

  So it's a Christmas dinner, but everyone's put so much effort into their own thing. And I'd like to do that, but everyone who I've known in my life brings something.

• 30:21James Acaster?

  Yes.

• 30:22Speaker 05

  So it's ma, it's massive.

• 30:23James Acaster?

  Huge.

• 30:24Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's absolutely huge. So my mum's there, she's brought her bread, next, so for my starter, my dad comes into the restaurant. Now, whenever, when I was little and whenever he was carving the meat.

• 30:36James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 30:37Speaker 05

  He'd always cut off a tiny bit, like the nicest bit, and go, here you go, try that. So me and my sister.

• 30:45James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 30:45Speaker 05

  So I think for the, it'd be a very small starter, but that would just be like a small selection of those meats.

• 30:54Speaker 03

  The bit, anything your dad's carved.

• 30:55Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 30:57Speaker 03

  It's first dinners and it's first slice, basically.

• 30:59Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 30:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:00Speaker 05

  And that would be lamb, I think.

• 31:02Speaker 03

  Lamb?

• 31:03Speaker 05

  Because that's my favourite type of, like, meat edge, I guess.

• 31:08Speaker 03

  Uh huh. Okay.

• 31:09Speaker 05

  I just love that.

• 31:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:11Speaker 05

  It's like, the, hard bits of lamb are great.

• 31:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:14James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 31:14Speaker 05

  Um, I mean, pork's a close contender, isn't it?

• 31:18Speaker 03

  Well, crackling, I guess, is, is technically meat edge and that's pretty, that's pretty good.

• 31:22Speaker 05

  Yeah, it takes a bit of beating, doesn't it?

• 31:24Speaker 03

  Chicken skin.

• 31:25James Acaster?

  If you're a starter, I think you could get away with, you know, a platter.

• 31:28Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 31:29James Acaster?

  Line them all up.

• 31:30Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 31:31James Acaster?

  Little bit your dad's cut off and given to you and your sister.

• 31:33Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, let's go with that.

• 31:35Speaker 03

  That's lovely as well, because you, you're sat there and your dad's got, like, all of these, got like a chicken, a turkey, a.

• 31:41Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 31:42Speaker 03

  He's got everything and he just goes along the line.

• 31:44Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 31:45James Acaster?

  And then bit of beef.

• 31:46Speaker 03

  Hands it to you, pops it in your mouth for you. Just hands it, I think.

• 31:50James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 31:50Speaker 03

  That's weird.

• 31:51James Acaster?

  Is that what used to happen? You'd just hand it to you?

• 31:52Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 31:53James Acaster?

  You'd say, try that?

• 31:54Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 31:55James Acaster?

  And what would you say when you ate it? Would you go, dad, that's delicious?

• 31:58Speaker 05

  Well, I think it's another thing that I always took for granted, really.

• 32:01James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 32:02Speaker 05

  Like, when you're a kid.

• 32:04James Acaster?

  Entitled little kid, weren't you?

• 32:06Speaker 05

  I just didn't, I didn't, probably didn't realise how good I had it, really.

• 32:09James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 32:10Speaker 05

  You know, when you start to get a bit distanced from being a kid, you're like, wow, so I feel pretty lucky.

• 32:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, when you're sort of sat there going, doesn't smell of bread in here. It doesn't smell of mint choc chip when I go outside.

• 32:24James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 32:24Speaker 03

  No one's giving me little, little bits and scraps of meat, like I'm a little bird.

• 32:29James Acaster?

  But the best bit.

• 32:30Speaker 03

  The best bit, best bit every time, lamb edge.

• 32:32Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 32:33Speaker 03

  Then you start to think, oh.

• 32:34Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 32:35Speaker 03

  They put a shift in here.

• 32:36James Acaster?

  Yeah, being an adult isn't all it's cracked up to be.

• 32:39Speaker 03

  Yeah. And also, you could do all those things for yourself, but it's not the same, is it?

• 32:43Speaker 05

  No.

• 32:44Speaker 03

  If you make the house smell like bread and then, you know, you're, you're carving meat and then giving yourself the edge.

• 32:50James Acaster?

  Um, but very hard to make the outside world smell like after eights.

• 32:54Speaker 03

  That's hard. I'll, I'll let you off that one.

• 32:57James Acaster?

  Yeah, that's difficult.

• 32:58Speaker 03

  You could pop a after eight up each nostril, I suppose, to remind you of home?

• 33:02James Acaster?

  Yes, you could walk around, you could melt some after eights and just smear it on the inside of your nostrils and then walk around all day feeling like you were back in York.

• 33:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:13Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 33:13Speaker 03

  That'd be lovely, that. I think you'd be a local character, maybe.

• 33:17Speaker 05

  Yeah, maybe.

• 33:18James Acaster?

  Have you seen that guy with after eight up his nose?

• 33:20Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 33:20James Acaster?

  The guy's got the after eights.

• 33:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, keeps offering me the edge of a lamb.

• 33:23James Acaster?

  Yeah, he keeps, keeps getting one of those, uh.

• 33:28Speaker 05

  Well, it's mint, mint, like.

• 33:30Speaker 03

  Perfect.

• 33:30James Acaster?

  Mint as well, yeah.

• 33:33Speaker 05

  Has anyone ever done that? Like lamb, but with after eights instead of mince, surely, I mean, that would be like a Heston Blumenthal type thing.

• 33:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, that'd be absolutely crazy.

• 33:42James Acaster?

  Guy to do it.

• 33:43Speaker 03

  Yeah. Today's episode of the Off Menu Podcast is sponsored by Cozy, the home of possibilities, James.

• 33:50James Acaster?

  Ah, man, Ed, Cozy has everything you need to make your home feel like it has a plan, do you know what I mean?

• 33:55Speaker 03

  I know what you mean. Cozy is a wonderful furniture company. It makes furnishing your whole home easy. Sofers, dining, storage, rugs, bedroom, even outdoor, all designed to make your space feel put together without the usual furniture stress. And James, we talk about dream meals on this podcast, but you know what? We very rarely talk about where we want to eat this dream meal.

• 34:15James Acaster?

  Sure, yeah, I like it when it does come up.

• 34:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:17James Acaster?

  It is very important. It changes the whole meal, the setting, the vibe, and Cozy's modular, customisable furniture for the whole home does just that.

• 34:26Speaker 03

  And the meal, James, doesn't necessarily end at dessert. We've often talked about wanting to take our maybe final course through to a comfy room. And I think this is where Cozy can really come in handy. Go and relax on the sofa, maybe even eat your meal at a lovely, beautiful, cosy table, linger a little bit, move through with coffees and dessert to a lovely couch. But I know what you're like, James, you're a mucky pup.

• 34:47James Acaster?

  I'm gonna spill stuff everywhere. Is that gonna ruin the Cozy furniture?

• 34:51Speaker 03

  No, don't worry about that, James, because it's highly washable, James. It's sauce, wine, sparkling water, dessert crumbs, you telling one of your big stories and sloshing a coffee everywhere, don't worry, you can pop it in the wash.

• 35:02James Acaster?

  Oh, so you're saying Cozy makes every day at home feel like my best day?

• 35:06Speaker 03

  Absolutely, that's exactly what I'm saying. And with Cozy, your home can grow with you, adapting to new spaces, new styles and every era of your life, James. I think it's so hard, especially when you move somewhere new, to immediately make that place feel like yours, that it's been put together well, and that's where Cozy comes in.

• 35:22James Acaster?

  And because it's Cozy, the furniture isn't just good looking, but actually practical. Modular pieces, easy assembly, washable and interchangeable covers and free design consultations if you want help making the whole room work.

• 35:34Speaker 03

  And it's easy to order, ship and assemble and maintain, James. The only way is the Cozy way.

• 35:40James Acaster?

  Visit Cozy today, that's C O Z E Y dot com and make yourself at home.

• 35:49Speaker 00

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• 35:54Speaker 03

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• 36:10Speaker 06

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• 36:15Speaker 00

  Watch Hydrojug's story at advertising dot amazon dot com slash rising dash stars.

• 36:28James Acaster?

  Your dream main course, Rob? A lovely nostalgic starter there. Your mum's been in, your dad's been in. I wonder who we've got round the corner now?

• 36:37Speaker 05

  Well, everyone basically arrived.

• 36:39James Acaster?

  Everyone you've ever met.

• 36:40Speaker 05

  Too many to mention.

• 36:41James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 36:41Speaker 05

  But.

• 36:42James Acaster?

  Everyone you've ever met.

• 36:42Speaker 05

  A couple, a couple, a couple of shout outs.

• 36:45James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 36:45Speaker 05

  So, uh, like, well, look at all this, well, I'm like, wow, guys, look at all this stuff you brought, there's so much food here.

• 36:53Speaker 05

  Not gonna be able to get through this in time.

• 36:54James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 36:54Speaker 05

  And then, but there's a particular couple who walk in, and I'm like, I recognise you two, where do I know you from? And it's this couple called Pete and Vanessa.

• 37:05James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 37:05Speaker 05

  Right? Who were from Burnley and we met them in Crete in nineteen ninety six. And, um, it was one of those where you're on holiday and then you kind of click with another family.

• 37:19James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 37:20Speaker 05

  And we were in Crete and we decided to go out for a Chinese meal.

• 37:25James Acaster?

  Fantastic.

• 37:26Speaker 05

  In Greece and in Chinese restaurants.

• 37:28Speaker 03

  And why, and why wouldn't you?

• 37:29Speaker 05

  And I'd never been to Chinese before.

• 37:31James Acaster?

  Uh.

• 37:33Speaker 05

  And.

• 37:33Speaker 03

  They do say your first experience of Chinese food should be in Greece.

• 37:38Speaker 05

  They, in their hands, they have the sweet and sour chicken that I tasted that night for the first time.

• 37:45James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 37:45Speaker 05

  And it absolutely blew my socks off.

• 37:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:48Speaker 05

  I was like, I didn't know main courses could be sweets, you know?

• 37:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:52Speaker 05

  Or like meat could be like this.

• 37:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:56Speaker 05

  And, um, they're like, do you remember the first time you ever tasted sweet and sour chicken? I'm like, uh, yeah. They said, well, we've got that for you here. This is that meat. I'm like, oh my god.

• 38:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:07Speaker 05

  Yes, please. And then my granny walks in with her roast potatoes. I'm like.

• 38:12Speaker 03

  Is this all, hang on, is this all starter, by the way?

• 38:15James Acaster?

  This is main course now.

• 38:16Speaker 03

  Oh, this is main course, yeah.

• 38:17James Acaster?

  Starter was just the little bits of meat.

• 38:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 38:19James Acaster?

  It's the main course where everyone's showing up.

• 38:21Speaker 03

  At everyone.

• 38:22James Acaster?

  Pete and Vanessa, the granny.

• 38:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:24Speaker 05

  Yeah, so I'm like, mm.

• 38:26Speaker 03

  The granny.

• 38:26Speaker 05

  My, my gran, the gran.

• 38:29Speaker 05

  My granny used to make the amazing roast potatoes, right?

• 38:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:34Speaker 05

  And she's, she's there, she's like, I'll buy you some roast potatoes. I'm like, mm mm. Do you think they'll go with the sweet and sour chicken? Uh, just a bit.

• 38:44Speaker 03

  So.

• 38:47James Acaster?

  I honestly wanna see at the end of this, how much of this is written down for Baeum.

• 38:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:54James Acaster?

  I would put money on just a bit, uh, just a bit being written there in the notepad. Yeah, just a bit. There it is. He's underlined it for us. He's got it written down.

• 39:04Speaker 03

  I love it.

• 39:05James Acaster?

  Yeah, great.

• 39:06Speaker 03

  Sweet and sour chicken, I've never been on board with. I don't know why.

• 39:10James Acaster?

  I know why, because it's not an Ed Gamble thing at all. That is not an Ed Gamble thing. No, you don't like, we, we've spoken on the podcast before. You don't like sweet sauces, sweet chili sauce, you absolutely hate it. I would be shocked if sweet and sour chicken was something that you enjoyed. It's in the same ballpark.

• 39:27Speaker 03

  Pineapple, innit?

• 39:29James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 39:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, see, it's just not, it's not for me. I think maybe a lot of it is tied to being type one diabetic and not wanting to have too much sugar in things that should be savoury.

• 39:39James Acaster?

  Fair.

• 39:39Speaker 03

  Perhaps, but also just don't necessarily enjoy the flavour of it. And the chicken, is the chicken like deep fried and then the sauce goes on? If you can remember what they, how they.

• 39:49Speaker 05

  Yeah, kind of lightly fried, yeah. It's not sweet, it's all chicken balls.

• 39:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah.

• 39:54Speaker 05

  It's lightly fried, yeah.

• 39:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:56Speaker 05

  And then I just got, I was thinking, that was such a vivid memory of

• 40:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:03Speaker 05

  food just absolutely blowing me away.

• 40:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, if you've not had that before and then you have sweet and sour chicken, that is like, just like having your head punched off.

• 40:11James Acaster?

  Yeah, so good.

• 40:12Speaker 05

  And I was young, you know.

• 40:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:14James Acaster?

  Yeah. Yeah, first time you have Chinese food, like a Chinese takeaway, first time you have an Indian takeaway. First time I had KFC, all those things completely change your life.

• 40:25Speaker 03

  The three great nations of cuisine, of course.

• 40:29Speaker 03

  Chinese, Indian, KFC.

• 40:30James Acaster?

  Yeah. Kentucky. China, India and Kentucky.

• 40:38Speaker 05

  Can I say that there's a stage in this restaurant?

• 40:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:42Speaker 05

  Right, so there's a stage.

• 40:44Speaker 03

  You're doing a show. Is it every stage you've ever performed on?

• 40:46Speaker 05

  No, it's not.

• 40:48Speaker 03

  Is it every comedian you've ever seen?

• 40:49Speaker 05

  No, it's my heroes though.

• 40:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:51Speaker 05

  Performing, but doing their food stuff. So John Lennon is doing Strawberry Fields forever.

• 40:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:59Speaker 05

  Mitch Hedberg is doing his, um.

• 41:01James Acaster?

  Donut routine? We seek for the donut?

• 41:04Speaker 05

  I like, yeah, all that stuff. My, my favourite one is, I wrote it down, I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want to eat two thousand or something.

• 41:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, so good.

• 41:13Speaker 05

  Just, you know, all those ones. Radiohead are there doing their sardine song. Flaming Lips, You Don't Need Jelly, all that stuff.

• 41:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:21Speaker 05

  And I'm like, oh, I'm loving this.

• 41:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, you would be loving that. That's a good, that's a good line up. That's a great bill.

• 41:27James Acaster?

  Do you want me to hop up and do my ready to eat apricots routine?

• 41:29Speaker 05

  Yeah, I actually think about that line a lot.

• 41:31James Acaster?

  Yeah, thanks.

• 41:32Speaker 03

  Do you want me to do my hotel breakfast stuff?

• 41:35Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 41:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:36Speaker 05

  Yes, please.

• 41:36James Acaster?

  Pan, pan and chocolate, very funny.

• 41:38Speaker 03

  Do you want to see my Hului stuff? It was less well considered.

• 41:41Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 41:42Speaker 03

  I'll do it anyway. I've not done it for a while, but I still probably punch it up a bit, but it was about what's the liquid in the packet? It might be pre-cum.

• 41:52Speaker 03

  Can we see that bit?

• 41:53James Acaster?

  Absolutely. It's quite easy there.

• 41:57Speaker 03

  Peter Veneza will be on board, surely.

• 41:59James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, I love it.

• 42:00Speaker 03

  Do you see, do you see Peter Veneza at all? No, it was just that holiday.

• 42:05Speaker 05

  I mean, this is a big podcast. A daughter might listen to this. I mean, never, never even, you know, saw them probably once in nineteen ninety seven.

• 42:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:15Speaker 05

  Same, came to our house and I think it was a Vauxhall Tigra. Is that a car?

• 42:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think so.

• 42:22Speaker 05

  Something like that.

• 42:24Speaker 03

  Okay, so everyone's performing on the stage.

• 42:26Speaker 05

  Yeah, and there's plants as well, but a specific type of plant and that plant is.

• 42:31Speaker 03

  Do you mean in the audience for?

• 42:33Speaker 05

  No, I mean, the greenery is avocado plants, but specifically, this is the dream restaurant, so I can, you can go into the future, whatever kind you. So I've seen loads of videos on, online on Instagram about how to grow an avocado plant from an avocado stone and it always involves like cocktail sticks. Putting it above water and all that crap.

• 42:58Speaker 05

  And I, um, we've got a compost heap at the back bottom of our garden. And I put, uh, must have thrown an avocado stone in there and I went down and there was an avocado plant growing in the compost heap. And it was absolutely awesome. I was like, oh my god.

• 43:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:16Speaker 05

  I think that's an avocado plant. And I put my hand down into the compost and I felt the stone. I was like, oh, come on. And I pulled it up. And then I planted it just in a plant pot. We got it in the kitchen and now it's really growing. And it takes years for those to, uh, fruit avocados.

• 43:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:35Speaker 05

  So I would just like there to be loads of avocado plants everywhere.

• 43:38Speaker 03

  From that, from that plant?

• 43:40Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 43:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:41Speaker 05

  With the avocado, because I love avocados.

• 43:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:44Speaker 05

  Is it like nature's butter almost? Feel like you should be able to, you can spread it on top.

• 43:48Speaker 03

  When it's ripe enough, yeah, you can, you can spread it.

• 43:52Speaker 05

  Yeah, I love avocados with balsamic and olive oil.

• 43:56Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 43:57Speaker 05

  For that whole lot.

• 43:58Speaker 03

  Yeah. So in this restaurant, you're just gonna be able to pluck an avocado off your avocado plant. You're gonna be like, I grew this in my compost heap.

• 44:04Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 44:05Speaker 03

  And then you can just spread it, put some balsamic on top.

• 44:08Speaker 05

  Have that, John Lennon.

• 44:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:10James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, that is there, of course.

• 44:12Speaker 03

  Avocados would blow John Lennon's mind.

• 44:14James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 44:15Speaker 05

  Were they out after the Beatles?

• 44:18Speaker 03

  I think they came out after the Beatles.

• 44:20Speaker 05

  Flipping heck.

• 44:21James Acaster?

  And the Beatles led to avocados. That's how influential the Beatles are.

• 44:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:25Speaker 05

  So Paul McCartney has tasted an avocado and John Lennon hasn't.

• 44:28James Acaster?

  Oh gosh.

• 44:29Speaker 03

  I reckon so.

• 44:30Speaker 05

  I mean.

• 44:31James Acaster?

  I don't know.

• 44:32Speaker 03

  You don't know?

• 44:33James Acaster?

  Lennon died when he was forty, I think.

• 44:35Speaker 03

  I just think when he died, avocados were not a staple such as they are now. And I really don't think he was knocking around with any avocado people.

• 44:47Speaker 05

  Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I know what you mean by avocado.

• 44:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:51James Acaster?

  It could be, yeah, I mean.

• 44:54Speaker 03

  I guess he travelled quite a lot.

• 44:56Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 44:56Speaker 03

  But maybe he did have an avocado and there's no way of knowing.

• 44:59James Acaster?

  Also, like if I picture Yoko in that era with an avocado, doesn't seem weird.

• 45:04Speaker 03

  No, that makes sense to me, yeah, but she probably just held it.

• 45:08James Acaster?

  Yeah, didn't tell them.

• 45:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:11James Acaster?

  You meant to eat this.

• 45:18James Acaster?

  So you got the sweet and sour chicken, you got the roast potatoes.

• 45:22Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 45:22James Acaster?

  Is that it for the main?

• 45:23Speaker 05

  They're the ones I'd like to mention, I think.

• 45:26Speaker 03

  So this is your nan's roast potatoes and they're like.

• 45:28Speaker 05

  Yeah, granny, yeah.

• 45:29James Acaster?

  And is that your side dish? Is you've got granny's roast potatoes? Was that part of the main?

• 45:33Speaker 05

  No, side dish, it's a bit of a smorgasbord really.

• 45:37James Acaster?

  Yes.

• 45:37Speaker 05

  With the side dish, so there's loads of sides, but there's one that I'd like to mention is that my auntie introduced me to, uh, devils on horseback. Yeah. They stuffed with goat's cheese wrapped in palm ham. And, um, she's walking around with them.

• 45:53James Acaster?

  Your auntie's there.

• 45:54Speaker 05

  And, uh, I just absolutely loved them. Uh, Jamie Oliver's there walking around with his plank, you know.

• 46:02Speaker 03

  Have you met Jamie Oliver?

• 46:04Speaker 05

  Uh, no.

• 46:05Speaker 03

  So we're sort of going outside because we've got the stage where people are performing and you haven't met them, but everyone else in the restaurant so far has been everyone you've met in your life.

• 46:12Speaker 05

  Yeah, but I've had a good experience from Jamie Oliver through Ministry of Food.

• 46:18James Acaster?

  Which he bought with you.

• 46:19Speaker 03

  Which he bought with you.

• 46:19James Acaster?

  Which is in your backpack.

• 46:20Speaker 05

  It's in my backpack.

• 46:22James Acaster?

  You decided to leave it in your backpack.

• 46:23Speaker 05

  Well, I forgot it, but I wanted to show you the dirtiest page in the, um, cookbook. I think that's always a thing, isn't it?

• 46:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:30Speaker 05

  Dirtiest page in the cookbook and that is, um.

• 46:32Speaker 03

  That's as in you've spilled things on it because you use it so much rather than just really like rude, rude recipe.

• 46:38James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 46:38Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 46:39James Acaster?

  Stir it with your dick.

• 46:43Speaker 05

  Also, there's, there's, there's pictures of people in that cookbook.

• 46:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:48James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 46:48Speaker 05

  And I'm sure I saw one of them in the street.

• 46:53Speaker 05

  And I was like trying to place him for ages. Like, where do, where do I know you from?

• 46:57James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 46:58Speaker 05

  And then I was looking around, it was the guy from the, he's holding a hot pot.

• 47:04Speaker 03

  Who are, who are the people in cookbooks? A lot of the time they're just, are they just like models who just look like regular people?

• 47:10Speaker 05

  That I think in Ministry of Food, it is regular people.

• 47:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:14Speaker 05

  Yeah, it seemed like that. But, but yeah, the, it was the lasagna page that was.

• 47:19Speaker 03

  That's the dirty one.

• 47:20Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 47:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:21Speaker 05

  Yeah, made it, made, yeah, went for a stage of cooking out all the time and.

• 47:26Speaker 03

  So is Jamie walking around with that particular lasagna then?

• 47:29Speaker 05

  No, the, um, it's, it's the, uh, my, I, I love the cricket.

• 47:38James Acaster?

  Rob didn't like that. Benito Coft.

• 47:41Speaker 05

  I love the cricket.

• 47:43Speaker 03

  Can we clip that up?

• 47:45James Acaster?

  Yeah, the look that you got there.

• 47:47Speaker 03

  Benito Coft and Rob looked at you like he wanted to kill you.

• 47:50James Acaster?

  Yeah, like Christian Bale on the set of that Terminator film. It was just like.

• 47:55Speaker 05

  It was the, um, it was the, uh, you know, the planks you used to have in Jamie's Italian.

• 48:02Speaker 03

  Yeah. I don't think I ever went to a Jamie's Italian.

• 48:04James Acaster?

  Yeah, people complained about it. I only went there once with Milton Jones.

• 48:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:08James Acaster?

  To a Jamie's Italian.

• 48:09Speaker 05

  Really?

• 48:09James Acaster?

  Uh, but yeah, people hated the planks.

• 48:12Speaker 05

  Oh, no, I loved them. But they, they used to have, um, those frozen olives. Did you ever used to have them?

• 48:17Speaker 03

  No.

• 48:19Speaker 05

  Not frozen olives on ice.

• 48:21Speaker 03

  Okay, yeah, yeah.

• 48:22Speaker 05

  So, so it's that, it's the green, it's a specific type of olive that is so buttery and. Uh, anyway, he has them and there's all sorts of meats on them. So he's walking around with those and got a specific memory of being in Jamie's Italian with, uh, my mum. Whenever she'd come down to visit me in London, we'd go to Jamie's Italian in Covent Garden. And, um, one time I went to the toilet and, um, I came back and she was like, oh, you, you okay? I said, yeah, yeah. She went, oh, you've got some, um, white powder on your nerves. And I was like, what do you mean? She's like, well, what have you been doing in the toilet? I thought, nothing.

• 49:06Speaker 05

  And then I, I don't know what it was. It must have just been some dry skin or something. She thought I'd been snorting lines.

• 49:13James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 49:14Speaker 05

  In Jamie's Italian.

• 49:17Speaker 05

  And, um, I hadn't.

• 49:18Speaker 03

  That's gonna be the sad, that would be the saddest spiral into drug addiction is you end up snorting lines in Jamie's Italian when you're having lunch with your mum. That's, that would be absolutely awful. Mind you. Planks? That'd be pretty good for that.

• 49:30James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 49:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:31James Acaster?

  Couple on.

• 49:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rack up a line on a plank in Jamie's Italian.

• 49:35James Acaster?

  So your auntie's brought out the devils on horseback.

• 49:38Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 49:38James Acaster?

  What's your auntie like as a person?

• 49:41Speaker 05

  Uh, very nice, yeah. Um, I've got two.

• 49:45James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 49:46Speaker 03

  Show off.

• 49:46Speaker 05

  How many answers have you got?

• 49:48Speaker 03

  I'm gonna have to think about this.

• 49:49James Acaster?

  I've got, I've got two.

• 49:50Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 49:51James Acaster?

  Count it up with his fingers.

• 49:53Speaker 03

  Pretty sure it's four.

• 49:55Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 49:56Speaker 03

  Pretty sure when we're looking at four.

• 49:59Speaker 05

  Where are they coming from?

• 50:00Speaker 03

  Politically?

• 50:01Speaker 05

  No.

• 50:04Speaker 03

  Um, my dad's got a sister.

• 50:06Speaker 05

  What's her name?

• 50:07Speaker 03

  Caroline.

• 50:08Speaker 05

  Auntie Caroline?

• 50:09Speaker 03

  Yeah. My mum's got, my mum's got a sister.

• 50:12Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 50:13Speaker 03

  My dad's got a brother. Though he's got a wife and my mum's got a brother who's got a wife. That's four aunties.

• 50:18Speaker 05

  Yeah. So you get more presents than me?

• 50:21Speaker 03

  No, we we don't really. I don't know. There aren't many presents flying around anymore because I'm I'm nearly forty. I'm not getting a present off my auntie. Are you?

• 50:31Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 50:34James Acaster?

  Wow.

• 50:38Speaker 03

  Talk me through it. What are you getting? What's all?

• 50:40James Acaster?

  He's looking back at his book. He doesn't wanna.

• 50:42Speaker 03

  Look at me, Rob. Don't look at the book. What's your auntie buying you for Christmas?

• 50:46Speaker 05

  Just giving you some money.

• 50:47Speaker 03

  Cashage?

• 50:48Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 50:49Speaker 03

  How much are you getting from your auntie? Is it in a card or is it a bank transfer or a cheque?

• 50:54Speaker 05

  Bank transfer, ten grand last month.

• 50:59Speaker 03

  Nothing says Christmas like a ten grand backs. From your auntie, from the devil on horseback.

• 51:06Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 51:06Speaker 03

  Can I say the devil? Are you writing that in now? Because you said it.

• 51:09Speaker 05

  No.

• 51:10James Acaster?

  You do you do something? What did you do?

• 51:13Speaker 05

  I just went over the Cayenne drink.

• 51:16James Acaster?

  Oh, yeah. Because you're ready to move on to drink.

• 51:20Speaker 03

  I but I wanted to say devil on horseback. I've never heard that recipe for devil on horseback before. I, in my mind, devil on horseback is a prune wrapped in bacon.

• 51:29Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 51:30Speaker 03

  I've not heard date with blue cheese and pomegranate. That sounds absolutely delicious and I'm gonna try that.

• 51:35Speaker 05

  Oh, it is. Yeah. And you can put jalapeno in there as well.

• 51:39Speaker 03

  Oh, yes, I will.

• 51:40Speaker 05

  They go down really well. You can take them to a Christmas party in the Tupperware.

• 51:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:45Speaker 05

  And they go down really well.

• 51:46James Acaster?

  Did you bring them to the close of Christmas?

• 51:48Speaker 05

  Do you know what? Yes, I will.

• 51:49James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 51:50Speaker 03

  I think if I took them to a party in a Tupperware, I'd have those on the tube. I'd turn up with an empty Tupperware, stinking of blue cheese.

• 51:57Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 51:58Speaker 03

  As I always, as I always do.

• 52:00Speaker 05

  I normally do it with goat's cheese, but is I'll do some with Stilton as well.

• 52:04Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. Sorry. So you did say goat's cheese. Yeah, but yeah, why not? Mix it up.

• 52:07Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 52:08Speaker 03

  What time are you arriving? Because I want to make sure they're not all gone.

• 52:10Speaker 05

  Man, that good. Last time I came to that, I think you guys rocked up after being on a lash. At like.

• 52:17James Acaster?

  Sounds like us, doesn't it?

• 52:20James Acaster?

  Yeah. Yeah, probably.

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• 53:31Speaker 03

  Dream drink. Well.

• 53:32Speaker 05

  When I go to Glastonbury, I always take scrumpy Jack as four cans. Just to be like, that's what I'm gonna have when I put my tent down.

• 53:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:42Speaker 05

  You know, the foot, I never drink in the queue.

• 53:45Speaker 03

  Put your tent down.

• 53:46Speaker 05

  Put my tent up.

• 53:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:48Speaker 05

  Got it the wrong way around.

• 53:50Speaker 03

  You say, I guess you do have to put it down at some point.

• 53:52Speaker 05

  You gotta put it down and then put it up.

• 53:54James Acaster?

  Yeah, I I was quite like, I really admired that when you said, take it, you know, put it down. I thought, oh, wow, he's like, he's taken four cans of him. And he's saving them until he has to take his tent down.

• 54:05Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 54:06James Acaster?

  Knowing that that's like, you know, you're gonna be the most knackered and all of that is a little treat. For while you're taking your tent down. That's very restrained of him and disciplined. And what a good idea. But actually, it's nice. You're putting your tent up.

• 54:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:21James Acaster?

  While drinking four cans of cider.

• 54:23Speaker 05

  Yeah. So you see people just getting on it straight away, don't you? Like in the queue on the bus, whatever. And I always like to get the tent up, get everything sorted and then have a can of scrumpy Jack. And that that again is a specific feeling and I would like to experience that feeling.

• 54:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:44Speaker 05

  Of the hell of getting into Glastonbury.

• 54:47James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 54:49Speaker 05

  So experience that for a tiny bit and then, ah, the sweet. I don't know. I just want it. I want that. I want that experience in a can of like the relief of getting in and getting through and.

• 55:01Speaker 03

  Yeah. You sit down, you find, I've had, I've not been to Glastonbury, but we've had that at festivals where you just sit down.

• 55:07Speaker 05

  Just at the festival, yeah.

• 55:07Speaker 03

  Your first drink. But it's different because I guess Glastonbury is way more difficult to get into and, you know, get everything. Set up and finding a spot and all of that. So it's just the more release. But that that's that feeling of like the first first sip of whatever you're drinking at a festival and you're like completely relaxed.

• 55:24Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 55:24Speaker 03

  It's lovely. The same thing at heavy metal festivals when the first riff hits. When the first big riff kicks in and I've normally got a beer by that point, I'm like, this is, this is life. This is all that matters now.

• 55:39James Acaster?

  Can you remember any of the bands who played the first big riff?

• 55:42Speaker 03

  No, because they're often the smaller bands.

• 55:43James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 55:44Speaker 03

  So although actually Bloodstock a couple of years ago, we got there early on the Thursday or Friday, whatever it was. To see Green Lung at noon. So getting onto the in the front of the main stage with a beer, then Green Lung come on. Kick into that first riff.

• 56:00James Acaster?

  Uh huh.

• 56:00Speaker 03

  Oh, boy. I bottle that feeling.

• 56:03James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 56:04Speaker 03

  In terms of what do you want to hear when you're drinking this? So if you're drinking the cider. And you can hear a band like sound checking or playing their first song, what do you want to hear drifting over in the distance? Because we can probably get them on at your restaurant you got to stage.

• 56:17James Acaster?

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 56:18Speaker 05

  Well, actually, I put a thing on Instagram recently asking for suggestions of heavy metal music to run to.

• 56:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 56:25Speaker 05

  And Ed came back with a few and someone sent me this band called. Master Boot Record. Never heard of it.

• 56:35James Acaster?

  Oh, yes. Yeah, I love them.

• 56:36Speaker 05

  Never heard of it.

• 56:37James Acaster?

  Really good. Yeah, yeah. I can't believe that this is getting a shout out. I I don't know anyone else who knows this band. This is like the only other person I've ever, I only know this, this, I mean, I don't even know if it's a band. I think it's one person. Because I bought eight hundred albums from one year and that was one of the albums that I found on Bandcamp. Like with like five people that listened to it or something. And suddenly, I actually can't believe I'm hearing this.

• 57:04Speaker 05

  Well.

• 57:04James Acaster?

  It's great.

• 57:05Speaker 05

  Give them a, give them a Google. They are, it's really good music to run to that.

• 57:09James Acaster?

  Great.

• 57:10Speaker 03

  Do you want to put your tent up in the restaurant at this point before you have the drink?

• 57:14James Acaster?

  First time I met you, you were in a tent.

• 57:16Speaker 05

  Where was that?

• 57:16James Acaster?

  On the Royal Mile.

• 57:18Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 57:18Speaker 03

  What?

• 57:19James Acaster?

  Oh, I was walking down the Royal Mile in Edinburgh. It was obviously rammed.

• 57:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:23James Acaster?

  I don't even know why I was walking down it. And there was a tent, a yellow tent, dome tent. He comes out of it. Walks up to me. He knows my name, so I must have done a solo show or something by that point. And gives me a CD. I think it was a CD.

• 57:38Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 57:38James Acaster?

  Of poems.

• 57:40Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 57:41Speaker 03

  In a tent?

• 57:42James Acaster?

  And.

• 57:43Speaker 05

  We did a gig together in, it was a poetry competition.

• 57:48James Acaster?

  Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 57:49Speaker 05

  And you were doing comedy?

• 57:50James Acaster?

  Yes. It was, I was just doing gigs wherever. Richard Tyrone Jones put her on a poetry competition. It's called Utter. I went on and did, and I was told it was comedians could enter as well, just doing stand up. I was the only stand up there.

• 58:01Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 58:02James Acaster?

  So you're like, okay.

• 58:03Speaker 03

  Died in your ass?

• 58:04James Acaster?

  Oh, what? I won.

• 58:05Speaker 03

  What?

• 58:05James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 58:06Speaker 03

  Now, as a poet, how did that make you feel, Rob? That a comedian came and won it without doing a poem?

• 58:12Speaker 05

  Yeah. I didn't feel encouraged.

• 58:17Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 58:18Speaker 03

  Fair enough.

• 58:19Speaker 05

  Yeah. But you were doing stuff about tally charts and.

• 58:23James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 58:23Speaker 05

  In prison.

• 58:24James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah. Early days. Yeah, yeah.

• 58:27Speaker 03

  And now I've got a tattoo, a tally chart tattoo.

• 58:31James Acaster?

  Done by me?

• 58:31Speaker 03

  Done by James.

• 58:32Speaker 05

  Really?

• 58:32James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah. I tally charted his leg.

• 58:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:35James Acaster?

  Inked him.

• 58:36Speaker 05

  Come on.

• 58:36James Acaster?

  For life.

• 58:38Speaker 05

  That's good.

• 58:38James Acaster?

  Would you let me give you a tattoo?

• 58:40Speaker 05

  Uh, probably not.

• 58:42James Acaster?

  You sure?

• 58:43Speaker 05

  Yeah. I don't have any tattoos.

• 58:45James Acaster?

  Yeah, but I'll give you a nice, give you a nice tattoo.

• 58:49Speaker 05

  I was thinking about.

• 58:50James Acaster?

  Death on horseback.

• 58:52Speaker 05

  After every big achievement in my life, like just getting a dot.

• 58:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:56Speaker 05

  A small dot.

• 58:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:57Speaker 05

  Yeah. So then people say, if you've got any tattoos, you're like, yeah, I've got shed loads. Like, well, I can't see them. Yeah, they're only very small. I've got one there, one there.

• 59:06James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 59:06Speaker 03

  But then if you keep achieving stuff, you know, you've achieved a lot in your life already, Rob. If you keep achieving stuff at the same rate, you're gonna look like you're frakely.

• 59:14Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 59:14Speaker 03

  You're gonna have so many because you have loads of dots. Then eventually they'll build up.

• 59:17Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 59:18Speaker 03

  So that'd be, that'd be good.

• 59:23Speaker 05

  Yeah. Can you imagine me on like a panel show?

• 59:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, I can imagine it. I'd love it.

• 59:33Speaker 05

  Anyway. So that, what was that band called?

• 59:38Speaker 03

  Master Boot Record.

• 59:39Speaker 05

  Master Boot Record. So those riffs are coming through.

• 59:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, they're coming through. You're having a scrumpy Jack.

• 59:43Speaker 05

  They're coming through, but the scrumpy Jacks are there, but when Victoria and I were getting, just before we got married.

• 59:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 59:51Speaker 05

  Yeah. We had the wedding in her parents' back garden. And one of my favourite memories from organising that wedding is one afternoon, we had a lemon cello. Is it lemon cello or limoncello?

• 1:00:04Speaker 03

  Lemon, limoncello, I say, but I don't know.

• 1:00:08Speaker 03

  We know what you mean.

• 1:00:10Speaker 05

  We had a limoncello tasting afternoon. So the parents went out, bought loads of bottles of different limoncello. And we were tasting it and it was just one of the best things ever. I just loved it. Cause I like that drink anyway. You know, when you get it in an Italian restaurant, you're like, oh, come on.

• 1:00:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:00:30Speaker 05

  So there's basically loads of limoncello everywhere and we had it at the wedding and like, just seeing pretty much all the people I know getting hammered on limoncello was a big moment.

• 1:00:42Speaker 03

  Joyous.

• 1:00:43Speaker 05

  It's such a sugar rush.

• 1:00:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, I don't have it enough really. It is so good. What were you looking for with all the different limoncellos? Was there like something you were looking for particularly with the one that you chose?

• 1:00:53Speaker 05

  I think just a really good mix of bitter and sweetness and just like something that is just gonna kick things off.

• 1:00:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:01:01Speaker 05

  And I don't know if there's a better drink for that.

• 1:01:03Speaker 03

  No, I think it's the sugar content as well, isn't it? It's the sugar content and the booze and the lemon. You're just like, wow.

• 1:01:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:01:11Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 1:01:12James Acaster?

  Thank you for throwing that in there for me.

• 1:01:15James Acaster?

  He knows a lot of that kind of stuff. I really like those.

• 1:01:20Speaker 05

  So do you know, do you know what else I'll bring to the closer of Christmas part? I'll bring some of those and a bottle of limoncello.

• 1:01:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:01:29Speaker 03

  You treat dessert, Rob.

• 1:01:30Speaker 05

  This is something that we got into during the pandemic, which was um, apple strudel from Lidl.

• 1:01:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:01:38Speaker 05

  And um, it's so cheap.

• 1:01:41Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 1:01:41Speaker 05

  It's a big log. It was like one pound fifty and that with some ice cream. It was such, obviously such a strange and horrific time, the pandemic. But that was kind of something that uh, I don't know, it felt like a safe space that I, I think, you know, comfort food.

• 1:01:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:02:00Speaker 05

  And that apple strudel was, you know, going in there being like, all right, should we get another one? Yeah.

• 1:02:06Speaker 03

  Yeah. How many strudels were you working your way through a week, would you say?

• 1:02:09Speaker 05

  Oh, I don't know. I reckon I've done like a, a good few metres of strudel.

• 1:02:15Speaker 03

  You have to, you have to measure it in metres.

• 1:02:17Speaker 05

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 1:02:19Speaker 03

  So if this is, if this whole meal's everything you've, you know, people you've met in your life, all the sofas are from your life.

• 1:02:24Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:02:25Speaker 03

  Do you think we should get the equivalent amount of apple strudel that you ate during the pandemic and line it up on a long table?

• 1:02:30Speaker 05

  Oh, that's a good idea.

• 1:02:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:02:31James Acaster?

  Yeah, should do.

• 1:02:32Speaker 05

  Definitely.

• 1:02:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, that'd be nice, wouldn't it?

• 1:02:34Speaker 05

  But yeah, big shout out to those um.

• 1:02:36James Acaster?

  After you warm it, warm it up.

• 1:02:38Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:02:38James Acaster?

  Having it hot.

• 1:02:39Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's, it's hot, yeah.

• 1:02:40James Acaster?

  The ice cream.

• 1:02:41Speaker 05

  Yeah. But that was, yeah, I love, I, yeah, warm apples go a long way, don't they?

• 1:02:46Speaker 03

  Trying to think if we had anything like that in the pandemic that we just kept going back to. I'm not sure if we did.

• 1:02:50James Acaster?

  I didn't.

• 1:02:51Speaker 03

  No.

• 1:02:53Speaker 03

  No. You didn't cook the same thing ever?

• 1:02:57James Acaster?

  I don't think so.

• 1:02:57Speaker 03

  No, I don't think so. I don't know. You tried something different every night, didn't you?

• 1:03:02James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:03:02James Acaster?

  Make most of it.

• 1:03:03Speaker 05

  So that would be the uh, pudding, but then this, there'll be a goodie bag. Is that possible?

• 1:03:10James Acaster?

  Yeah. Oh, yeah. We don't, this is the first goodie bag, I think we've had on the.

• 1:03:13Speaker 03

  Like a party bag?

• 1:03:14Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:03:15Speaker 03

  Oh, fantastic.

• 1:03:16James Acaster?

  So if we can go away with a, with a goodie bag.

• 1:03:17Speaker 05

  Yeah. You know, sometimes you go to gigs and there's, someone's laid out just like some bags of crisps and sweets and stuff.

• 1:03:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:03:26Speaker 05

  Now, when you first.

• 1:03:26James Acaster?

  Backstage.

• 1:03:27Speaker 05

  Backstage, yeah. When you first start and that's a real treat, isn't it? You're like, oh my God. Can I have these crisps?

• 1:03:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:03:36Speaker 05

  Can I have this, some of these Haribo? And um, on tour, that doesn't really happen, you know, for me.

• 1:03:43Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:03:44Speaker 05

  But when it did happen was when I would do gigs in York.

• 1:03:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:03:50Speaker 05

  And Al Greaves, the promoter, always put out such a good spread.

• 1:03:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:03:56Speaker 05

  I was being to the supermarket. I was like, this is awesome. And he'd like, he'd always get like, just really good cereal bars and crisps and drinks. And he was like, you take them home if you want them, like bars of dairy milk. And he passed away this year and I was just like, oh, what? So no one do gigs in York. It's like, it's a different experience. So the party bag will be that.

• 1:04:25James Acaster?

  I'm seeing that Al would buy.

• 1:04:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:04:26Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:04:27James Acaster?

  And he used to do, when I, when I first did a gig with Al, his act was he, he had a carrier bag with him.

• 1:04:31Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:04:32James Acaster?

  He'd go on stage with a carrier bag that was full of like, props to cue his jokes. So you could have it in an Al Greaves

• 1:04:38Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 1:04:38James Acaster?

  carrier bag.

• 1:04:39Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:04:39James Acaster?

  To take away with you.

• 1:04:41Speaker 03

  It's so, it's so rare, isn't it? Where you arrive at a gig and it's like they're excited to see you and they've laid stuff out.

• 1:04:47James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:48Speaker 03

  Yeah. I, I've got Chorley is the one.

• 1:04:50Speaker 05

  Chorley, Chorley.

• 1:04:51James Acaster?

  Chorley Little Theatre.

• 1:04:51Speaker 05

  Unbelievable.

• 1:04:52Speaker 03

  I don't think, I must have done it with the double act, but I don't think I've done it recently.

• 1:04:56James Acaster?

  Chorley Little Theatre, you go in there, there's a hilarious photo from Kieran Hodgson's latest tour. Cause it's like they've got every bag of crisps in the world just lined up, just like that, like more than anyone could eat in a year.

• 1:05:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:05:11James Acaster?

  All their cakes and stuff. I'm really looking forward to go, I'm at Chorley Little Theatre this Sunday.

• 1:05:15Speaker 03

  I should be over the novelty of it now, but when those things, there's like, they've actually left an axe out and stuff. This, and it feels disrespectful, but I will now and again load my bag up. If it's good enough stuff. But is that all right to do? I do it with um, the promoter, Will Briggs quite a lot.

• 1:05:34James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:34Speaker 03

  Uh, the Greenwich Comedy Garden, he does the Comedy Garden gigs and I do it in front of him because I know I'm normally on the first night of the whole festival and he's bought them for the whole festival. Over multiple days and then I'm basically emptying a bowl of wafer, caramel wafers into my bag. All the crisps are going in there.

• 1:05:50James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:50Speaker 03

  And then I eat like a king for like a, you know.

• 1:05:53James Acaster?

  Yeah, it's funny you do that to Will, cause you know, people who don't know him, he laughs at everything, but.

• 1:05:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:05:58James Acaster?

  Also will be upset that you're doing that.

• 1:05:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:06:00James Acaster?

  So.

• 1:06:00Speaker 03

  Also shout out to, while we're doing this, Middlesbrough Town Hall, who lay on a shark's reboard.

• 1:06:07James Acaster?

  Oh, yes.

• 1:06:07Speaker 05

  Really?

• 1:06:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, but they know what they're doing. They're buttering you up before you absolutely die on your arse.

• 1:06:13James Acaster?

  Yeah. I did, I did a gig once in Newcastle and uh, they got me a bunch of ice cream and they said, Ed had been in the week before or something and got a cheese board.

• 1:06:21Speaker 03

  Got loads of cheese, yeah.

• 1:06:22James Acaster?

  So, you know, full respect. I mean, you've been on the pod now. You're, you're gonna be turning up at these places.

• 1:06:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:06:28James Acaster?

  And the backstage will be.

• 1:06:30Speaker 03

  Everyone you've ever met.

• 1:06:31James Acaster?

  Devils on horseback, everyone you've ever met.

• 1:06:35Speaker 05

  Yeah, they uh, they give you, they give you an Eccles cake, don't they? And uh.

• 1:06:39James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:40Speaker 05

  And that.

• 1:06:41James Acaster?

  Well, a Chorley cake in Chorley.

• 1:06:42Speaker 05

  Chorley cake, that's it.

• 1:06:43James Acaster?

  The Chorley cake.

• 1:06:44Speaker 05

  Yeah, Chorley cake. And um.

• 1:06:46Speaker 03

  You won't get that again now you said that.

• 1:06:47James Acaster?

  Yeah. Good, good like booking yourself in Eccles on your next tour.

• 1:06:52Speaker 03

  I love this strudel. It's attached to a nice memory.

• 1:06:55James Acaster?

  I think it's great that you've got the strudel. And your wife will be there.

• 1:06:58Speaker 05

  Yeah, bringing out the strudel. Yeah.

• 1:07:01Speaker 03

  She's bringing out the strudel.

• 1:07:03Speaker 05

  Absolutely.

• 1:07:03James Acaster?

  So she's not having a meal with you?

• 1:07:06Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah. Well, and everyone's there.

• 1:07:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, everyone's there.

• 1:07:10James Acaster?

  Oh, but they take it in turns to bring out.

• 1:07:11Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:07:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:07:13James Acaster?

  Okay, yeah.

• 1:07:14Speaker 03

  Apart from Jamie's the only one walking around.

• 1:07:16James Acaster?

  Yeah, Jamie's just mingling, walking around.

• 1:07:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, with the plank.

• 1:07:20James Acaster?

  Chatting to people, got his planks.

• 1:07:21Speaker 05

  Yeah, Forrest Gump is there.

• 1:07:23James Acaster?

  Why is Forrest Gump there?

• 1:07:25Speaker 05

  Favorite film.

• 1:07:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, he's got to be there. All the characters from Forrest Gump or just Forrest?

• 1:07:32Speaker 05

  I think just Forrest, you know.

• 1:07:34Speaker 03

  Baba, come on.

• 1:07:35Speaker 05

  Nah.

• 1:07:35Speaker 03

  Not Baba?

• 1:07:36Speaker 05

  Baba's not there? Eating shrimp?

• 1:07:38James Acaster?

  Any particular era, any particular era of Forrest Gump you're, you're a fan of, of his life?

• 1:07:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:07:44Speaker 05

  I.

• 1:07:44James Acaster?

  Maybe that you, you like his look or.

• 1:07:47Speaker 05

  Well, yeah, when he's running.

• 1:07:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:07:48Speaker 05

  But I think it's my fav, some of my favourite use of CGI in any film ever is when he's meeting like John Lennon and.

• 1:07:57Speaker 03

  So he'll get to do it for real at your restaurant though.

• 1:08:00Speaker 05

  Absolutely.

• 1:08:01Speaker 03

  It's pretty cool.

• 1:08:02Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's pretty cool, yeah.

• 1:08:03James Acaster?

  You can actually see Forrest Gump meet John Lennon.

• 1:08:05Speaker 05

  Yeah. I'm a big Tom Hanks fan and I think that's his uh, it's my favourite of his work, you know. Um, just been on holiday and um, coming back on a plane, Saving Private Ryan was an option.

• 1:08:18James Acaster?

  Yes.

• 1:08:19Speaker 05

  And I thought, I can't put that on. There was like a kid sitting there like diagonally.

• 1:08:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:23Speaker 05

  Yeah. Can't have that on.

• 1:08:25James Acaster?

  It's a great film though. Saving Private Ryan's one of his best.

• 1:08:28Speaker 05

  Absolutely.

• 1:08:29Speaker 03

  You've got to be careful about what you watch on planes, I think.

• 1:08:32James Acaster?

  Ed's watched some, you watched the last Jackass film on a plane.

• 1:08:35Speaker 03

  I watched the last Jackass film and every time the uh, the cabin crew came around to offer me a drink, there was a dick on the screen. A full close up of a dick.

• 1:08:44James Acaster?

  And Ed laughing his head off.

• 1:08:45Speaker 03

  Yeah. Cause they'd be like, would you like it? I'd go, sorry, pause it.

• 1:08:49James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:50Speaker 03

  And look back around. Full dick.

• 1:08:53James Acaster?

  I'll read you your menu now, Rob. See how you feel about it.

• 1:08:55Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 1:08:57James Acaster?

  You would like still water at three AM after a meal and loads of beers, obviously, at Blackrock.

• 1:09:05James Acaster?

  Papa Doms or bread? Bread from the hotel that your mum used to work in with salted butter.

• 1:09:09Speaker 03

  That, that is mum made.

• 1:09:10James Acaster?

  That your mum made as well.

• 1:09:11Speaker 03

  Properly.

• 1:09:12James Acaster?

  Starter, you want the first bits of carved lamb and pork by your dad. Main course, dishes from everyone you've ever met, including sweet and sour chicken from the Chinese restaurant in Greece with Pete and Vanessa and your granny's roast potatoes. Side dish, you want your auntie's devils on horseback. Drink, you want four cans of scrumpy Jack after putting up your tent at Glastonbury. And you would like loads of limoncello. Dessert, the little apple strudel with ice cream and a party bag of Al Greaves' spread.

• 1:09:42Speaker 03

  Beautiful.

• 1:09:42James Acaster?

  How do you feel about that, Rob?

• 1:09:43Speaker 05

  I feel pretty good. I feel like that'd be a good night.

• 1:09:47Speaker 03

  It'd be a fantastic night. I mean, we got great entertainment there as well. It's, you know, a lot of people there. You've hit on a new loophole in the dream restaurant, which is where you said a dish from everyone you've ever met is bringing a dish and you just told us two of them.

• 1:10:00Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:10:00Speaker 03

  Which is a great loophole.

• 1:10:02Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:10:02Speaker 03

  So now basically you've got more food than anyone's ever ordered in the dream restaurant.

• 1:10:06James Acaster?

  And you know them, but we don't.

• 1:10:07Speaker 03

  Yeah. Rob, thank you so much for coming to the dream restaurants.

• 1:10:10Speaker 05

  Thank you for having me.

• 1:10:11James Acaster?

  Thank you, Rob.

• 1:10:12Speaker 03

  You've been a dream. Might start ending it like that.

• 1:10:21Speaker 03

  Thank you so much to Rob for coming on the pod.

• 1:10:24James Acaster?

  First guests to write down verbatim what they want to say and stick to that script.

• 1:10:29Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:10:29James Acaster?

  And if we tried to move him away from that, he wouldn't have any of it. He didn't like it.

• 1:10:34Speaker 03

  I don't think it would work for a lot of guests. So if you're a future guest, don't be thinking you'd write down that verbatim. It worked for Rob because of who he is.

• 1:10:40James Acaster?

  Yeah, I would, I'd very much recommend if you're just listening to this on audio, if you're able to watch the video on YouTube, do do it because uh, it's funny watching Rob's face when we try and like ask him stuff that he's not got written down.

• 1:10:54Speaker 03

  And we just kind of look for this. And when we spot that he's written it all down.

• 1:10:57James Acaster?

  Yeah. He really, he, he looks at us not happy sometimes. It's, it's a good little glare that he gives us.

• 1:11:04Speaker 03

  Little glare.

• 1:11:05James Acaster?

  You should go and see Rob do his show Jupiter. He's touring it now. And of course, the Rob Orton Daily Podcast, part of the Plosive family. You can listen to so many episodes of that wherever you get your podcasts.

• 1:11:15Speaker 03

  Thank you very much. Goodbye.

• 1:11:17James Acaster?

  Goodbye.

• 1:11:33Speaker 02

  Welcome to two fifteen Maple Drive. We just put this property on the market.

• 1:11:38Speaker 03

  Love the crown molding.

• 1:11:40Speaker 02

  Oh, wait until you see the walk-in closets and the bathroom tile.

• 1:11:44Speaker 03

  Does it have Verizon FiOS? You know, one hundred percent fibre internet.

• 1:11:48Speaker 02

  No FiOS, but it looks like it's got cable. Let's check out the kitchen.

• 1:11:51Speaker 03

  No FiOS? Yeah. No, thank you.

• 1:11:54Speaker 02

  Don't you want to see the rest? Okay. Bye bye. Get Verizon FiOS because when you're moving, it's one hundred percent or nothing.

• 1:12:02Speaker 03

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