Amy Matthews

Superb stand-up, writer and podcaster Amy Matthews has a table booked this week. But does the Dream Restaurant have the perfect amount of twinkle? Amy Matthews is at the Edinburgh Fringe and on tour with her new show ‘Definitions of Toast’. Dates and tickets info here https://www.amymatthewscomedy.com/. Watch Amy’s special ‘I Feel Like I’m Made of Spiders’ on ITVX https://www.itv.com/watch/amy-matthews-i-feel-like-im-made-of-spiders/10a5836a0001B/10a5836a0001. Buy Amy’s vinyl ‘Commute With The Foxes’ on Monkey Barrel Records https://www.monkeybarrelrecords.com/product-page/amy-matthews-commute-with-the-foxes. Follow Amy on Instagram @amyfmatthews https://www.instagram.com/amyfmatthews/ Watch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast on Thu 5 Mar. Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcast https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast Follow Off Menu on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/offmenuofficial and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@offmenuofficial: @offmenuofficial. And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk https://www.offmenupodcast.co.uk/ for a list of restaurants recommended on the show. Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster. Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Artwork by Paul Gilbey https://www.instagram.com/pushgilbey/ (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:13Speaker 00

  Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the cream of conversation, adding the smashed up meringue of humour, the raspberries of friendship, mixing them all up in the big bowl of the internet and you've got yourselves an Eden Mess podcast.

• 0:26Speaker 01

  That is Ed Gamble, my name is James Acaster, together we own a dream restaurant every single week, we invite a guest, can we invite a guest?

• 0:31Speaker 00

  We invite in a guest every week.

• 0:33Speaker 01

  And we ask them the favour ever, start a main course, dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order, and this week, our guest is?

• 0:39Speaker 00

  Guest.

• 0:40Speaker 01

  Amy Matthews.

• 0:41Speaker 00

  Amy Matthews, by the way, I've definitely done Eden Mess before as an intro, sure.

• 0:45Speaker 01

  I didn't want to pick you up on it, man, because like, do you know what, they'll be on you enough across all social platforms, I don't want to add to your worries.

• 0:52Speaker 00

  What's your problem, Benita?

• 0:56Speaker 01

  For the listener, Ed was fiddling with his mic stand to the point where Benito gave him evils to want to get him to stop, and while he was giving Benito sass for it, he leant back on his chair and his chair tried to do a bucking bronco on him and sent him into the ceiling and startled him, it gave him quite a fright.

• 1:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, I'm sleepy today, man, but I feel wired, you know, when you're sleepy and wired.

• 1:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, and rightly so, because we've got a cork of an episode coming up, so you should feel wired.

• 1:23Speaker 00

  Yes, Amy Matthews is a brilliant comedian, very much looking forward to speaking to her about her journey.

• 1:28Speaker 01

  So funny, such a nod to have Amy on the pod.

• 1:31Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 1:32Speaker 01

  But listen, Amy, if you choose the secret ingredient, which we have deemed to be unacceptable, you will be kicked out of the dream restaurant.

• 1:39Speaker 00

  And this week, the secret ingredient is Bernard Matthews' turkey dinosaurs.

• 1:44Speaker 01

  Matthews. Amy's surname is Matthews, Bernard Matthews' surname is Matthews, turkey dinosaurs is their signature dish, his signature dish, the original Bernard Matthews.

• 1:54Speaker 00

  Yes, his signature dish.

• 1:56Speaker 01

  It's what he used to make when people came to visit him, Bernard Matthews, he would get a turkey, carve it up completely, carve them into dinosaur shapes, cover them in breadcrumbs, put them in the oven, and they'd say, Bernard, you've got to sell these.

• 2:08Speaker 00

  I think what, how he actually did it?

• 2:11Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 2:11Speaker 00

  Was, he got like a dinosaur cookie cutter?

• 2:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:16Speaker 00

  And just rammed it straight into a live turkey.

• 2:18Speaker 01

  Oh, just got it out that way.

• 2:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:21Speaker 01

  And then the turkeys is running around with like a triceratops hole in its side.

• 2:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:26Speaker 01

  Wow, Bernard Matthews.

• 2:28Speaker 00

  It's too much, man.

• 2:29Speaker 01

  But that's the thing. I mean, you don't build an empire like that without being a visionary.

• 2:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:34Speaker 01

  So congratulations to him.

• 2:35Speaker 00

  They should make a Succession style show for HBO about Bernard Matthews.

• 2:40Speaker 01

  Who wants to inherit the Bernard Matthews empire?

• 2:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, that would be good, actually.

• 2:45Speaker 00

  Would be good.

• 2:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, people would get quite, there'd be a lot of symbolism there with the dinosaurs.

• 2:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:51Speaker 01

  The turkeys as well.

• 2:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:52Speaker 01

  Both those things can have double meanings.

• 2:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:55Speaker 01

  Talking about the industry.

• 2:56Speaker 00

  That's good.

• 2:57Speaker 01

  Maybe Amy Matthews could be in it.

• 2:58Speaker 00

  Yes, Amy Matthews could be in it. Get Jesse Armstrong to write it.

• 3:02Speaker 01

  Obviously.

• 3:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:04Speaker 01

  I'll just give it to Sam Bain.

• 3:06Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, the other one.

• 3:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, because that'd be fun. Go like, look, we're putting you head to head now.

• 3:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:11Speaker 01

  You've got to go, you write, it's still got to be like Succession.

• 3:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:14Speaker 01

  But it's the Bird of Matthews Empire and you've got to write it.

• 3:17Speaker 00

  But I don't think Bain's agreeing to that, man.

• 3:19Speaker 01

  No, well, he knows that we've hobbled him from the start.

• 3:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's a very successful man, Sam Bain. He's not going to deliberately write another version of Succession about the Bird of Matthews Turkey Dinosaur Empire, go head to head with his friend and writing colleague.

• 3:33Speaker 01

  Sam, if you're listening, man, the challenge has been extended. And the challenge is extended to Amy Matthews this week to tell us her dream meal.

• 3:42Speaker 00

  This is the off my menu of Amy Matthews.

• 3:53Speaker 00

  Welcome, Amy, to the dream restaurant.

• 3:55Speaker 02

  Hello.

• 3:56Speaker 01

  Welcome, Amy Matthews, to the dream restaurant, but it's been a while for some time.

• 3:59Speaker 02

  Wowee, it's so nice to be here.

• 4:01Speaker 00

  Wowee.

• 4:02Speaker 01

  Wowee sounded a bit sarcastic.

• 4:05Speaker 02

  I have a really naturally sarcastic tone of voice and it's got me into trouble.

• 4:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't like it, but here we are.

• 4:11Speaker 00

  When was the last time it got you into trouble?

• 4:14Speaker 02

  Six seconds ago.

• 4:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we called you out for saying wowee.

• 4:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. What's wrong with wowee?

• 4:19Speaker 00

  No, I think it was the tone. I think it was the tone rather than the words because you saw a genie and you went, wowee.

• 4:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 4:28Speaker 00

  I think if you actually found a magic lamp and rubbed it and a genie came out and you said wow wee, the genie would go back into the lamp.

• 4:34Speaker 02

  Do you think?

• 4:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, go, what the, what was the point of that?

• 4:38Speaker 02

  Yeah. Well, how did that make you feel, genie?

• 4:41Speaker 01

  I mean, I'm quite used to it from guests. I mean, it's nicer to get wow wee, even if it's sarcastic, because most guests, you know.

• 4:49Speaker 00

  Ignore it.

• 4:49Speaker 01

  We get a lot of people who aren't comedians, who don't know me, who I do that. I just look at him going, can you ask me a question, please? Can we move on from whatever that guy just did? So it's quite nice to get wow wee.

• 5:00Speaker 00

  Because sometimes he'll spit as well when he does it. Yeah, yeah.

• 5:03Speaker 01

  You'll spit.

• 5:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:05Speaker 01

  And then they're just like, that guy's gross.

• 5:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, gross guy.

• 5:09Speaker 01

  Have you ever like, met a celeb and felt like they think you're gross?

• 5:13Speaker 02

  Honestly, you thought, you were gonna say, have you ever met a genie? Have I ever met?

• 5:16Speaker 01

  We have asked people that before, to be honest.

• 5:18Speaker 02

  Have I ever met a celeb and thought they were gross?

• 5:21Speaker 01

  And they thought you were gross?

• 5:22Speaker 02

  And they thought I was gross.

• 5:24Speaker 01

  I've had it a lot on here.

• 5:26Speaker 02

  Have you?

• 5:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:27Speaker 02

  I'm sorry, mate.

• 5:28Speaker 00

  I don't even think you're gross.

• 5:29Speaker 01

  I think I'm gross.

• 5:30Speaker 00

  I think you're weird, like a little alien, man.

• 5:31Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, sorry.

• 5:32Speaker 02

  That's great. That's what you, that's what you want?

• 5:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, for sure. Have I, has anyone ever thought I was gross?

• 5:40Speaker 00

  Are you now going back through every interaction?

• 5:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, I am actually. I really am. And there's some weird and wonderful ones have come to mind. My favourite celebrity interaction actually was, I was about 14, I was in London, and I said, apropos of nothing, oh, I really like, what's the guy's name who, what's the guy's name?

• 5:57Speaker 01

  Is this part?

• 5:59Speaker 02

  What's the guy's name who plays the dad in My Family?

• 6:02Speaker 01

  Robert Lindsay?

• 6:03Speaker 02

  Robert Lindsay. I went, I just really like Robert Lindsay. And I turned around and he walked across the road.

• 6:09Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 6:10Speaker 02

  Like, that's it, he's a genie.

• 6:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, Robert Lindsay's a genie.

• 6:13Speaker 02

  Honestly.

• 6:13Speaker 01

  Was he walking across the road towards you?

• 6:16Speaker 02

  Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was extraordinary.

• 6:18Speaker 00

  He's like Candyman.

• 6:20Speaker 02

  Absolutely. Yeah. It's just, it was nuts. So I don't know if he thought I was gross, but he might have thought I was magic.

• 6:26Speaker 01

  My friend sent me a photo of Robert Lindsay last week, holding a big feather. He was talking to him.

• 6:33Speaker 02

  Right.

• 6:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, we're doing like his book launch or something, and Robert Lindsay was, you know, waiting for the punters to arrive. We were just sitting talking, and a big, like, prop quill that was humongous, was just talking to my friend. And Pat Timm had sent it to me and goes, this is funny.

• 6:48Speaker 02

  Do we know why he was using the quill?

• 6:50Speaker 01

  I don't know. I think it was some like.

• 6:51Speaker 00

  Was it a book signing or something?

• 6:52Speaker 01

  A prop, yeah.

• 6:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, but not a book signing in the past.

• 6:57Speaker 00

  It's a bit of fun, those things get boring, why not bring a big quill?

• 7:00Speaker 02

  I've got a quill.

• 7:01Speaker 01

  I think he was just talking on stage about writing his book and what it did to be like, this will be funny if I've got a big, big old feather.

• 7:07Speaker 02

  Oh, that's nice. That's lovely. More Robert Lindsay chat in this podcast than I thought it was gonna be.

• 7:11Speaker 00

  We normally do a bit at the top. It might be cut out because it's sort of like our warm up.

• 7:14Speaker 01

  He always cuts it out.

• 7:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:16Speaker 01

  He always cuts out the Robert Lindsay stuff. It's very disappointing. Chris Marshall from My Family, I remember just thinking he was the funniest person.

• 7:26Speaker 00

  He was great in that show.

• 7:27Speaker 02

  I used, I used to love My Family when I was a kid and I used to write episodes of My Family in a little notebook in crayon.

• 7:36Speaker 00

  That's incredible.

• 7:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:37Speaker 00

  Spec, spec scripts for my fam- for my family.

• 7:40Speaker 01

  Do you remember any of them? Remember what the storylines were?

• 7:42Speaker 02

  There was one where, um, god, this is a deep dive. Um, there was one where Ben and Susan were in bed, um, reading as, as they do.

• 7:53Speaker 01

  Well, you don't have to remind me which one's Ben and Susan. Are they the mum and dad?

• 7:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 7:58Speaker 02

  And, uh, Robert Lindsay and, so I wanna make a, and, uh, they were in bed and they were, um, Robert Lindsay, Ben, was trying to, um, she was gonna try it on with his wife.

• 8:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:08Speaker 02

  And then.

• 8:09Speaker 01

  How old do you, when you write this in crayon?

• 8:12Speaker 00

  Do you use the phrase try it on?

• 8:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 8:15Speaker 00

  When, when they're married, when they're married in bed and reading?

• 8:18Speaker 02

  Have you seen 2000 sitcoms?

• 8:20Speaker 00

  He's trying it on with me.

• 8:21Speaker 02

  That's like the whole thing. The husband wants a bit, yeah, and, uh, she just wants to read.

• 8:25Speaker 00

  I think it's the phrase trying it on.

• 8:27Speaker 02

  Trying it on.

• 8:28Speaker 00

  To me suggests it's gonna be the first time.

• 8:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay, fair enough.

• 8:31Speaker 00

  Rather than, yeah.

• 8:32Speaker 02

  And, um, she just wanted to read and then when she finally goes, oh, go on then, um, Nick, Nick, the, who do you want to say?

• 8:40Speaker 01

  Chris Marshall.

• 8:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, Chris Marshall, comes out from under the bed and he's like, hi mum and dad, and it scuppered, it scuppered the moment.

• 8:47Speaker 00

  And that was your spec script?

• 8:48Speaker 02

  That was my spec script. It's good stuff.

• 8:51Speaker 00

  That would absolutely play perfectly in an episode of My Family.

• 8:53Speaker 02

  I've watched a lot of My Family. Why is he under the bed?

• 8:56Speaker 00

  Funny.

• 8:56Speaker 02

  That's why it's funny. Why would he be under the bed?

• 8:58Speaker 00

  He's a weird character.

• 8:59Speaker 02

  I think he was knitting as well, actually.

• 9:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:01Speaker 01

  Yes, he's just, hello.

• 9:03Speaker 00

  Hi mum and dad, I'm knitting.

• 9:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:04Speaker 01

  Hi mum and dad. Eat much of a foodie, Amy? You, you bought a lovely cookie, uh, what was it? A cookie dough croissant with you?

• 9:10Speaker 02

  It was a crokey, apparently. It was called a crokey. It was a, um, looked like muffin shaped thing, made of croissant, filled with, uh, chocolate cookie dough.

• 9:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:19Speaker 02

  How was it?

• 9:20Speaker 00

  Really good.

• 9:20Speaker 01

  Great.

• 9:21Speaker 02

  Was it?

• 9:21Speaker 00

  We had a little, we had a little slice each.

• 9:22Speaker 01

  Like a little pie.

• 9:23Speaker 00

  Delicious.

• 9:24Speaker 02

  That's so nice. I love food. I love food so much, like so much.

• 9:31Speaker 00

  Good. Have you always felt this way?

• 9:33Speaker 02

  Yes. Yeah, I have. I really, really love food. I think food's really important. I um, I think it's a language as well. You know, it's a language. Um, I, I genuinely really love food. I was, it's so, um, I realised the other day as well, cause I was helping someone with a eulogy, there was.

• 9:50Speaker 00

  Wow. Writing it in crayon in your book?

• 9:53Speaker 02

  Writing it in crayon. Uh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, people talk about food in eulogies so often.

• 10:01Speaker 00

  Ah.

• 10:02Speaker 02

  You know, like, oh, she used to make this thing for me. Or like, you know, it's like a, it's like a huge thing. And um, yeah, I just absolutely love, I love food so much. And I think you could be remembered for your food.

• 10:13Speaker 00

  I'm just gonna, this is quite a dark question, but when you die.

• 10:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:18Speaker 00

  What food do you think someone will write about in your eulogy?

• 10:22Speaker 02

  Oh, okay. I made a really, really criminal sandwich.

• 10:28Speaker 00

  Criminal sandwich?

• 10:29Speaker 02

  On Boxing Day, I made a white bread sandwich that had cranberry sauce and mashed potato in it.

• 10:37Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 10:37Speaker 01

  Hmm. And it's criminal good?

• 10:39Speaker 02

  You tell me.

• 10:41Speaker 01

  Well.

• 10:41Speaker 00

  It's breaking rules. It's breaking rules. It's breaking some laws.

• 10:43Speaker 02

  It's breaking so many rules.

• 10:45Speaker 01

  But is that all it had in it?

• 10:46Speaker 02

  Um, and a crisp.

• 10:50Speaker 00

  That's even more criminal. That's triple carbs.

• 10:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, cause it needed a bit of texture. You can't be having sauce mashed and like.

• 10:55Speaker 00

  That's a wet, that's a wet sandwich.

• 10:58Speaker 02

  White bread you could dam a river with, you know, the really, yeah.

• 11:01Speaker 01

  I'd worry that crisp wouldn't really add that much crunch, cause it's just something on it's like, yeah, like.

• 11:05Speaker 00

  One crisp.

• 11:06Speaker 02

  I think a big one.

• 11:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:08Speaker 01

  One big crisp.

• 11:09Speaker 02

  You know the one big crisp in a packet?

• 11:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, if you're a kid, I mean, I would, I hope everyone else would. When you're a kid, you find that, or you find a big chip and you go, it's the biggest crisp in the world. That's what we used to say.

• 11:21Speaker 02

  Did you?

• 11:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, if I found a big crisp, I would say to my friend, I found the biggest crisp in the world.

• 11:26Speaker 02

  Good.

• 11:27Speaker 00

  So no, you guys did?

• 11:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, probably. Well, I'd definitely show it to my mates.

• 11:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:33Speaker 01

  I mean, that was like, you're just eating it silently and not sharing it with people.

• 11:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:38Speaker 01

  Like, you do have to say, look at this, how big this crisp is. I don't think I'd always say it's the biggest crisp in the world.

• 11:43Speaker 02

  No, that's, yeah, it's a big statement out the gates, but I, um, yeah, maybe they'd mention that. That was quite bad.

• 11:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think, I think they would mention.

• 11:50Speaker 00

  So other people, other people saw you eating this, they saw you preparing it.

• 11:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:54Speaker 01

  It's awful.

• 11:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't think that's prime.

• 11:56Speaker 00

  Would you feel good about that, knowing in your eulogy is someone talking about your mashed potato sandwich with a big crisp in it?

• 12:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think so. I think that'd be fine. That would be all right, wouldn't it? It could be worse.

• 12:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, it could be.

• 12:09Speaker 02

  What would be in your eulogy?

• 12:11Speaker 00

  Food wise?

• 12:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:12Speaker 00

  Oh, so much. I think it would all be.

• 12:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, cause we, cause we do this.

• 12:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:17Speaker 01

  If anything, I'd just rather they miss that, miss that out. I, I don't want to be reduced to this. Actually, that, that depress me.

• 12:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:25Speaker 01

  That's depressing. Thinking that when I die, if someone does a eulogy, and look, I'm, I've had a great time on this podcast and God knows financially I've benefited, but.

• 12:40Speaker 00

  Are you stepping down, James?

• 12:42Speaker 01

  If someone gets up and says, the thought right now of someone get up and going, of course, he co-hosted the off-menu podcast when I'm fucking dead, makes me absolutely.

• 12:53Speaker 00

  Well, it's gonna happen, mate.

• 12:54Speaker 01

  It's so depressing.

• 12:55Speaker 00

  I don't think anyone's gonna say that. I think what Amy's asking is what foods will be mentioned, like personal foods, like.

• 13:02Speaker 01

  But then that's.

• 13:03Speaker 00

  I lean into it. I love it.

• 13:04Speaker 01

  Cause we do this, they're gonna say loads of stuff about, oh, they talked about this food on the off-menu podcast. Oh, fucking hell.

• 13:10Speaker 00

  I'm gonna request it.

• 13:12Speaker 01

  What a pathetic.

• 13:13Speaker 02

  What would you rather be remembered for, do you think?

• 13:14Speaker 00

  Someone leave a leg of lamb on top of the coffin as it goes into the.

• 13:18Speaker 02

  What would you rather be remembered for? Sweet Home Keteringa?

• 13:21Speaker 00

  Sweet Home Keteringa.

• 13:23Speaker 01

  Number one, Sweet Home Keteringa.

• 13:29Speaker 01

  Still a sparkling water, Amy?

• 13:30Speaker 02

  Oh, sparkling, definitely, but a fine mousse.

• 13:34Speaker 00

  Oh, lovely. Very rare that people bring the mousse.

• 13:36Speaker 02

  A fine mousse.

• 13:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:39Speaker 02

  Very important. I hate it when the bubbles feel like marbles. I want it to feel like fuzzy felt.

• 13:44Speaker 00

  This is good. Fuzzy felt in the mouth. James?

• 13:46Speaker 01

  What?

• 13:47Speaker 00

  Are you worried?

• 13:48Speaker 01

  A fine mousse?

• 13:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:53Speaker 01

  What are we talking about?

• 13:55Speaker 02

  A fine mousse, in anything sparkling, if the bubbles are very small but plentiful, it's a fine mousse. If you've got big bubbles and fewer of them, that's like a coarse mousse.

• 14:08Speaker 01

  What the? How's this never come up before?

• 14:11Speaker 00

  I don't know, actually.

• 14:11Speaker 01

  This on the podcast before.

• 14:13Speaker 00

  It's a pretty fancy thing to say.

• 14:14Speaker 02

  Is it?

• 14:15Speaker 01

  Yeah. When you said a fine mousse, I thought, are we skipping straight to dessert? Like, I don't, what the fuck is going on?

• 14:21Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no, like, yeah, a fine mousse of sparkle.

• 14:25Speaker 00

  People say that about champagne a lot. That's like a champagne tasting, no? It's the mousse.

• 14:29Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 14:30Speaker 01

  How's it spelt?

• 14:32Speaker 02

  Like, like mousse, because it's from the same, it's the same phenomenon, it's the bubbleness.

• 14:39Speaker 00

  Because mousse, like chocolate mousse is bubbles, isn't it?

• 14:41Speaker 01

  You're blowing my mind here. Yeah, it is like bubbles.

• 14:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:44Speaker 01

  So a chocolate, a chocolate mousse is a thick mousse?

• 14:47Speaker 02

  Yes, well, it can be.

• 14:49Speaker 01

  What do you mean?

• 14:52Speaker 00

  It depends on the chocolate mousse, isn't it?

• 14:53Speaker 01

  But I think no matter how, I mean.

• 14:56Speaker 00

  There's, no, there's chocolate mousse with bigger bubbles.

• 14:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:58Speaker 00

  Because some chocolate mousse is a barely mousy, because the bubbles are so small, right?

• 15:02Speaker 02

  Some mousse have a finer mousse than others.

• 15:03Speaker 01

  But it's so thick.

• 15:04Speaker 00

  But the mousse you get from like a supermarket.

• 15:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:07Speaker 00

  That's a chunky mousse.

• 15:08Speaker 02

  Yeah. Mousse now has stopped feeling like a word, hasn't it?

• 15:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:11Speaker 02

  But yeah, that's, you can, the bubble, like, would you prefer, we say bubbleness?

• 15:17Speaker 01

  No, don't change it for me. I'm trying to learn.

• 15:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, you are, you are, you're learning.

• 15:21Speaker 02

  Yeah. Beautiful.

• 15:23Speaker 00

  Fine mousse.

• 15:24Speaker 02

  So yeah, fine mousse.

• 15:24Speaker 00

  Do you have a specific sparkling water in mind when you discuss the fine mousse?

• 15:28Speaker 02

  Ooh, I had one in a hotel yesterday. It was pretty sweet.

• 15:33Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 15:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:34Speaker 01

  Amy's in a lot of hotels.

• 15:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, so, um, yeah, no, my life hasn't fallen apart. But yeah, I, uh, some kind of fine moose, sparkling water, nonspecific.

• 15:47Speaker 00

  Nonspecific, okay. We can find you the finest moose available.

• 15:50Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 15:51Speaker 01

  And even though I don't understand what it is, but like, yeah.

• 15:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay. What could help?

• 15:55Speaker 01

  Water.

• 15:56Speaker 00

  I mean, you understand what it is now, right? It's been explained to you.

• 15:58Speaker 01

  Tiny bubbles.

• 16:00Speaker 02

  Tiny bubbles.

• 16:01Speaker 01

  Lots of them.

• 16:01Speaker 02

  And lots of them.

• 16:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:03Speaker 02

  Yeah. So that would have like a slight, yeah, slightly more, um, a smoother texture.

• 16:09Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 16:10Speaker 02

  Than.

• 16:10Speaker 00

  A more pleasant mouth feel.

• 16:12Speaker 02

  A more pleasant mouth feel. Exactly right.

• 16:14Speaker 01

  You know, before we start the podcast, I talked about, uh, where I'm gonna burp.

• 16:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:19Speaker 01

  It just keeps.

• 16:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:21Speaker 01

  So like, I wanna shout poppums or bread at you, so I need to do that, but I'm worried.

• 16:25Speaker 02

  Go on, knock yourself out. I won't tell anyone.

• 16:26Speaker 01

  I wanna burp, you know?

• 16:28Speaker 02

  Go on.

• 16:29Speaker 01

  So I was just trying to think of like, uh, ask something else about the water to keep us here for a bit.

• 16:34Speaker 00

  Yeah. Um, ice and, ice and lemon in the sparkling water?

• 16:39Speaker 01

  Poppums or bread? Poppums or bread, Amy Matthews? Poppums or bread?

• 16:42Speaker 02

  Wowee. Um, I, again.

• 16:45Speaker 01

  Well, that was more convincing.

• 16:46Speaker 02

  That was a more convincing wowee.

• 16:48Speaker 00

  Did you burp?

• 16:49Speaker 01

  No.

• 16:49Speaker 02

  Do you wanna?

• 16:50Speaker 01

  No.

• 16:53Speaker 02

  Okay. Um, I, I'm going bread. I'm going bread, but a very specific bread, if I may.

• 17:00Speaker 00

  Of course you may. Fine moose.

• 17:02Speaker 02

  I would, I would like, there's a restaurant in Edinburgh called Noto. Um, it's owned by very talented chef Stuart Ralston. Does that name ring any bells, Ed?

• 17:13Speaker 00

  Yes, he did Great British Menu.

• 17:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:15Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 17:15Speaker 01

  Oh, good test. Threw that at him. Well done.

• 17:18Speaker 00

  I've heard it's a fantastic restaurant.

• 17:20Speaker 02

  It is a fantastic restaurant.

• 17:21Speaker 01

  Well done, Ed.

• 17:21Speaker 02

  Um, yeah, I think you voted him out in the semis, but, um, I, uh.

• 17:25Speaker 01

  Do you vote people out?

• 17:26Speaker 00

  It's not voting, it's ju- it's judging the dishes. I'm, I'm but one of the judges.

• 17:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, so Stuart Ralston has, um, a, well, he's got four restaurants in Edinburgh, but one is Noto. And they do a sourdough bread that comes with a melted crab butter.

• 17:45Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 17:46Speaker 02

  And you dip the bu- you dip the bread in the butter and it's still got little bits of like shredded crab in it. It's got parsley in it and it comes in a crab shell and you just, you dip your lovely bread in a little. Carcass and it's, oh my god, it's heaven. Absolutely heaven.

• 18:03Speaker 00

  I was with you until you used the word carcass.

• 18:05Speaker 02

  Carcass, I'm sorry.

• 18:06Speaker 00

  Nah, I'm still with you.

• 18:08Speaker 02

  So I would like that bread specific, is that okay to have it as, even though it's not counting as a dish?

• 18:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 18:13Speaker 01

  Of course, that's a bread course.

• 18:15Speaker 00

  In our episode 100, I picked the bread from Kudu in Peckham, which has a similar vibe where you get the bread. It's like more of a brioche bread, but then you get two pans of melted butter. One's got bacon in it and then one's got shrimp in it. And it's, it's just so good. It's a proper, that feels more luxurious than spreading butter on is dipping into melted butter.

• 18:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, particularly when it comes in a carcass.

• 18:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, when it's in a carcass.

• 18:39Speaker 02

  Like a medieval king.

• 18:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:40Speaker 02

  It's great.

• 18:41Speaker 01

  With the carcass there, would you do a eulogy for the crab?

• 18:44Speaker 02

  Would I do a eulogy for the crab?

• 18:45Speaker 01

  Talk about the, the food the crab liked, or would eat?

• 18:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:49Speaker 01

  Or make for people?

• 18:49Speaker 02

  Maybe. I, it comes on a little mountain of sea salt as well. So if you want, you can sort of.

• 18:57Speaker 00

  Put a bit of salt in the carcass, yeah.

• 19:00Speaker 02

  It's really extraordinary.

• 19:01Speaker 00

  Do you think it would put people off eating meat and fish if before they ate the meat, the waiter had to give a eulogy to the animal?

• 19:10Speaker 02

  I don't know. I mean, there's lots, there's lots of things where you have a sort of sense of ceremony before.

• 19:15Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 19:15Speaker 02

  Um, serving something. What's the, what, um, I mean, I'm going to really lose my Scotland credentials here as someone who's been a resident for seven years. But, um, what's it, is it addressing the haggis that you do on Burns night?

• 19:28Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. What do you, do you toast, do you toast the haggis?

• 19:31Speaker 02

  You toast it and you read some Robbie Burns. You read some Robbie Burns and then you don't set it on fire, do you? That's Christmas pudding.

• 19:39Speaker 00

  No, you can set it on fire, I think. I think so.

• 19:40Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 19:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:41Speaker 02

  Address to a haggis, there we go.

• 19:43Speaker 00

  Address to a haggis.

• 19:43Speaker 01

  Address to a haggis.

• 19:44Speaker 02

  I think that's not a eulogy, but it's as close as it comes. So you're sort of giving it a little poem before it's gobbled up.

• 19:49Speaker 00

  But you're, but you're, that's, you're speaking to the haggis there rather than the sheep.

• 19:54Speaker 02

  Rather than the life it had.

• 19:55Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, the life it had.

• 19:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay, that's fair enough.

• 19:57Speaker 00

  I nearly said cow, but it's sheep, isn't it?

• 19:59Speaker 02

  It is, yeah.

• 20:00Speaker 00

  Cow's stomach could be fucking massive.

• 20:03Speaker 02

  They've got, they've got two, haven't they?

• 20:04Speaker 00

  Have they?

• 20:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:06Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, cows have got multiple, yeah, so.

• 20:08Speaker 02

  They've got stomachs.

• 20:09Speaker 01

  You're asking for trouble.

• 20:10Speaker 02

  For days.

• 20:10Speaker 00

  Two for one.

• 20:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, they've got their little cud stomach.

• 20:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:15Speaker 01

  It's like a two for one, I mean.

• 20:17Speaker 00

  Two for one.

• 20:18Speaker 02

  You get a cud stomach and a, and a food, and a, what's the other one? Is it just two lots of stomachs?

• 20:23Speaker 01

  Is it? Yeah. I can't always say that.

• 20:25Speaker 00

  We've all got separate stomachs.

• 20:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, we've got that.

• 20:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm pretty sure there's two.

• 20:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:30Speaker 02

  I think so.

• 20:31Speaker 01

  Well, I think that bread sounds delicious.

• 20:32Speaker 02

  It's real good.

• 20:33Speaker 00

  I've not been tonight, so I'd absolutely love to go. I've heard it's incredible.

• 20:36Speaker 02

  It is incredible.

• 20:37Speaker 01

  You wouldn't be welcome there, man.

• 20:38Speaker 00

  No, that's true. What are his other places?

• 20:41Speaker 02

  Or what they might do is, um, send you out just before you get your dessert.

• 20:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 20:45Speaker 02

  When the end's in reaching.

• 20:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 20:50Speaker 02

  What was the question, sorry?

• 20:51Speaker 00

  What are his other places?

• 20:52Speaker 02

  His other places, he's got Lila, uh, which is a really, really beautiful, uh, fine dining restaurant, uh, near Carlton Hill. Um, Azle, which is the original, um, and that is also a tasting menu restaurant, absolutely superb. And, um, Tipo, which is the most recent, no, the second most recent one, which is all pasta and, um, Italian infused.

• 21:16Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 21:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, really, really good.

• 21:18Speaker 00

  Go to one of them at least.

• 21:19Speaker 02

  Really, really good. There's a whole bream in Tipo that I have eaten alone.

• 21:23Speaker 00

  Yes, eating a whole, how big, how big's a bream though?

• 21:27Speaker 02

  Too big for a person, but it's, uh, I mean, yeah.

• 21:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:31Speaker 01

  For the listener.

• 21:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, for the listener.

• 21:32Speaker 00

  That's quite big.

• 21:34Speaker 02

  That's a genie's lamp's worth.

• 21:36Speaker 01

  Is that, yeah, yeah, big as a genie's lamp?

• 21:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:41Speaker 01

  Your dream starter, your menu proper now.

• 21:43Speaker 02

  I'm going to upset people.

• 21:45Speaker 00

  Oh, great. This is what we like, cause some controversy.

• 21:48Speaker 01

  There we go, get ready listeners.

• 21:49Speaker 02

  Can I also say how nervous I am to say the forbidden ingredient?

• 21:54Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 21:55Speaker 02

  I've, I'm really of the school law school.

• 21:57Speaker 00

  We like our guests to be on edge.

• 21:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, you should be on edge.

• 22:00Speaker 02

  Particularly, but I've just got some mental ingredients coming up.

• 22:04Speaker 00

  Great.

• 22:05Speaker 02

  Okay, so starter, a traditional Scandinavian pickled herring platter.

• 22:11Speaker 01

  What the?

• 22:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, I know, I'm losing friends.

• 22:14Speaker 00

  This is, this sounds great to me. I don't know why you're worried about upsetting people.

• 22:17Speaker 01

  I'm not saying what the, like it's gross, I just like, did not.

• 22:20Speaker 02

  See that coming.

• 22:21Speaker 00

  Coming, yeah.

• 22:22Speaker 02

  So you can get quite often a trilogy of.

• 22:27Speaker 02

  Of pickled herring. There's usually some kind of clove vinaigrette herring. A mustard and something. And then like a cream and cucumber or horseradish and cucumber. So those three that comes with half a boiled egg. Some dill, a little bit of rye cracker. Yeah. Triumvirate of.

• 22:49Speaker 00

  I think stick with trilogy.

• 22:51Speaker 02

  Trilogy, a herring trilogy.

• 22:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:53Speaker 00

  What, if it's a trilogy. What's the first?

• 22:57Speaker 02

  The first one.

• 22:57Speaker 00

  Always go with the first one. Do they tell a story as they go through?

• 23:00Speaker 02

  Do they though?

• 23:03Speaker 02

  Clove first.

• 23:04Speaker 00

  Clove first, yeah. For the sort of astringent vinaigrette.

• 23:07Speaker 02

  I like my food to hurt. I do. I really like. I really like.

• 23:13Speaker 01

  Attack of the clothes.

• 23:14Speaker 02

  Attack of the clothes.

• 23:15Speaker 01

  Trilogy.

• 23:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:16Speaker 02

  That's nice. Let's see if we can keep going with this. How about, what have you, what have you got on whole grain mustard?

• 23:22Speaker 01

  That's a mustard.

• 23:25Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 23:29Speaker 02

  And yeah, so I think that is the order I'd do it in actually. I'd go clove mustard and then the sort of cream slash horseradishy. Somebody's got apple in as well.

• 23:39Speaker 00

  So you're sort of building to the richer one.

• 23:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, I think you want to go out.

• 23:44Speaker 00

  When you say you like your food to hurt.

• 23:46Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 23:47Speaker 00

  Speak more.

• 23:48Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 23:50Speaker 02

  I like really, really strong flavours. So something really astringent and acidic or something really spicy or something gruff. Do you know what I mean?

• 24:02Speaker 00

  Sort of do, but I want you to explain it.

• 24:04Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 24:05Speaker 02

  I want, I want it to, I want.

• 24:09Speaker 02

  Sometimes I want when I'm eating something for it to feel like I'm a like wood chipper.

• 24:15Speaker 00

  You're, you're the wood chipper.

• 24:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, do you know what I mean?

• 24:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, I want to have to put a shift in.

• 24:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, okay.

• 24:22Speaker 02

  To get through it.

• 24:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:23Speaker 02

  Yeah. So I either want it to be texturally.

• 24:26Speaker 00

  So like a raw carrot.

• 24:27Speaker 02

  Something to say. Love a raw carrot. Somebody asked me what my comfort food was the other day and I said raw carrot.

• 24:33Speaker 01

  Who asked you that? The eulogy person.

• 24:38Speaker 02

  So yeah, I either like it to be, have real heft when I'm eating it texturally, or the flavour to be, to be really saying something.

• 24:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, to like, you're there, you're in the room with the food.

• 24:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 24:51Speaker 01

  When did you get into heaven platters?

• 24:54Speaker 02

  I would say, I tell you what, I can, I know exactly what that is. I have Polish family and they eat a lot of pickled herring in Poland. So when I was a kid, I used to really love it over there and you could never get it in the UK. And then Lidl started stocking it.

• 25:08Speaker 00

  Of course.

• 25:09Speaker 02

  And I got very into it. And then in the last seven, eight years, I've been, I've spent a little bit of time in either Denmark or, where else have I been where they've done loads of herring? Just herring countries.

• 25:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 25:25Speaker 02

  The herring countries. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Scandinavia. And I just, I absolutely love it.

• 25:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:31Speaker 02

  I really, really love it. It's also crucial to me, can I stipulate the environment as well that I'm eating it?

• 25:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:37Speaker 02

  My adult life is increasingly becoming a sort of quest for the right amount of twinkle.

• 25:45Speaker 02

  Do you know, you know? In a, in a food and drink environment.

• 25:48Speaker 00

  This is interesting because a lot of the things you're saying, I immediately understand what, what you mean. And James is utterly baffled, which is that you're having the experience that everyone else has with you, James.

• 25:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:58Speaker 02

  Quite out weird, did you?

• 25:59Speaker 00

  No, because it's not weird what you're saying. But James has not keyed into it.

• 26:03Speaker 01

  A lot of people in apology.

• 26:05Speaker 00

  You want gruff food in a twinkly environment?

• 26:07Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 26:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:08Speaker 02

  So the, do you know what? I'm constantly trying to find a bar, pub or restaurant that has the exact amount of twinkle as the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.

• 26:20Speaker 01

  Okay, now, now I'm coming round a bit more.

• 26:24Speaker 02

  So you know?

• 26:24Speaker 00

  Benito's on board as well.

• 26:26Speaker 02

  You know the Pirates of the Caribbean ride?

• 26:27Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 26:28Speaker 02

  And it's so dark.

• 26:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:29Speaker 02

  And then it's got that lovely orangey twinkle. It's got the right amount of twinkle. That's what I want.

• 26:34Speaker 00

  You want that?

• 26:35Speaker 02

  That's what I want.

• 26:36Speaker 01

  So you want it to feel like night time?

• 26:39Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 26:40Speaker 01

  In a, in a town that is being taken over by pirates.

• 26:44Speaker 02

  In Tortuga.

• 26:46Speaker 01

  Tortuga. And they're running around like looking for treasure and fighting each other and stuff.

• 26:52Speaker 02

  Well, there's actually, there's a bit in that ride, isn't there? Where it, it merges with a cafe.

• 26:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:58Speaker 02

  There is a, you can do that.

• 27:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:00Speaker 00

  Well, it goes through a cafe.

• 27:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, but it always looks, it always looks better from the boat.

• 27:06Speaker 00

  Right.

• 27:06Speaker 02

  Than when you're in the cafe.

• 27:08Speaker 01

  Well, I went to.

• 27:09Speaker 00

  Is it a themed cafe or is it just like a leisure centre cafe?

• 27:12Speaker 02

  No, it's just Disney, yeah.

• 27:14Speaker 01

  You must have seen it. They're eating, they're eating up. So it depends which one you. I've only been on Pirates of the Caribbean in Florida and recently Tokyo.

• 27:23Speaker 02

  You've only been in those, yeah.

• 27:25Speaker 01

  Only been in those ones, okay?

• 27:26Speaker 00

  Only those two.

• 27:26Speaker 01

  I'm a novice.

• 27:27Speaker 00

  How many, how many others are there?

• 27:29Speaker 01

  There's one in Paris, but it says five immediately. Didn't need to Google it. He, he, he knows it as five Pirates of the Caribbean. But in the Florida one, that the cafe you're talking about is like up in the distance. So you kind of like, you see them up on a hill or something.

• 27:45Speaker 02

  I don't remember.

• 27:46Speaker 01

  And you're like, oh, there's a, there's, oh, and you realise, oh, they're not animatronics. That's real people up there and that's not part of the thing. In the Tokyo one, straight away, they're on the fucking bank. And you're like, whoa.

• 27:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 27:57Speaker 01

  What, they don't think the cafe be so close here?

• 27:59Speaker 02

  That's the same as the Paris one. So you go through it in a little, in your little pirate boat and you can see.

• 28:05Speaker 01

  I've never been through it.

• 28:06Speaker 02

  You've never been to Paris?

• 28:07Speaker 01

  So must be Paris is when you go through it. Cause like Tokyo, they're on that, you're right or whatever.

• 28:12Speaker 02

  I think the Paris one is actually like a peninsula.

• 28:14Speaker 00

  Right. So it goes through the middle of a cafe.

• 28:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you go, you sort of go round the cafe.

• 28:19Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 28:20Speaker 02

  It's never as good when you're in the cafe as when you're on the boat.

• 28:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:23Speaker 02

  It doesn't look as, yeah.

• 28:25Speaker 00

  Well, yeah, I mean, you're on a boat for a start. That's exciting.

• 28:28Speaker 02

  Yeah. Maybe, can I be in the boat?

• 28:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, you can be eating on the Pirates of the Caribbean boat.

• 28:33Speaker 01

  Pirates of the Caribbean. Yeah, that can be your whole meal.

• 28:34Speaker 02

  And then it's the perfect twinkle.

• 28:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:36Speaker 02

  That's so nice.

• 28:37Speaker 00

  I am, love the smell of theme park water.

• 28:40Speaker 02

  Me too.

• 28:41Speaker 00

  So I'd absolutely love to have a meal in it.

• 28:43Speaker 01

  I agree with that.

• 28:44Speaker 02

  Yeah. Oh, yeah. You can choose this. Um, do I want that to smell like theme park water? It's good.

• 28:49Speaker 00

  I came up with an idea to try and release a theme park water.

• 28:53Speaker 02

  Smell.

• 28:53Speaker 00

  Smell can, like a candle. But I think it does exist already.

• 28:57Speaker 02

  No, it doesn't.

• 28:57Speaker 00

  My wife's got really excited about it.

• 28:59Speaker 01

  He just whispered to himself.

• 29:02Speaker 00

  Because me and my wife got really excited about it. We were like, we should do, try and do a theme pot water candle. And then we looked it up and it's always the same with those things. You come up with an idea, you Google it, it's already happened.

• 29:12Speaker 02

  Have you ordered it?

• 29:13Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no. Because I think that is crazy that you haven't ordered it. But I think it'd be disappointing because I think, you know, if you hear, I hear about candles sometimes and then I smell them and they, they don't live up to what they're supposed to.

• 29:25Speaker 02

  You hear about them sometimes.

• 29:26Speaker 00

  I hear about them sometimes. But then, but then surely that should be your business. We've got one called Big Sarah After Rain and it's supposed to smell like petricor and it just doesn't, it just doesn't capture it. Although shout out to DS and Durgi, you make some wonderful fragrances. But can't you and your wife's candle company?

• 29:40Speaker 02

  Be the good one.

• 29:41Speaker 00

  Get it right? Yeah, that's true.

• 29:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:44Speaker 00

  But what, how would you feel about like perfume that smelled like theme pot water? If you were sat with someone and they smelled like theme pot water? Just see the dweeb nodding his head in my peripheral. Does that, is that? Go on.

• 29:55Speaker 02

  I, I would probably enjoy it.

• 29:58Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 29:59Speaker 02

  But I don't think I'm in a well populated group.

• 30:05Speaker 02

  I just, yeah, I think the theme pot water would be nice. I don't know if I'd want that around my food though. I'd maybe go for, can I have it smell like Rory soup? There's a, um, Rory's Rory soup.

• 30:16Speaker 00

  Rory soup?

• 30:17Speaker 02

  Rory soup. So, um, who is that? So at Haven Holiday Camp, they have a mascot called Rory and he's a tiger, Rory the tiger. And for kids, they have Rory soup.

• 30:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:29Speaker 02

  It's vegetable soup.

• 30:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:30Speaker 02

  But it's really specific smell. And when you went into the dining room, the whole place smelled like Rory soup. And sometimes I'll just be walking down the road. I'll be in, I don't know Plymouth and it will just Rory soup.

• 30:42Speaker 00

  Rory soup.

• 30:43Speaker 02

  So there we go. I'd like to be in a boat.

• 30:45Speaker 00

  Last thing I've ever been, right?

• 30:47Speaker 02

  On the Paris Caribbean ride in Paris with very twinkly lights.

• 30:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:50Speaker 02

  And it smells like Rory soup.

• 30:51Speaker 00

  It smells like Rory soup. So the boat's on a river of Rory soup essentially.

• 30:55Speaker 02

  No. No, don't be silly.

• 30:57Speaker 00

  Then how does it smell? How does it smell like it? We pump the smell in.

• 31:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, I'd like it to be smell. No, it's still, it needs to be theme pot water.

• 31:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:03Speaker 02

  Water.

• 31:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:04Speaker 02

  And it just smells, you know, like how subway pump out the smell of their thing? Or like lush, did they say?

• 31:10Speaker 00

  Or in your Viking experience, they, they pump the smells in. Of shit.

• 31:14Speaker 02

  Do they?

• 31:15Speaker 00

  Of like Viking times, yeah.

• 31:16Speaker 02

  Really?

• 31:17Speaker 00

  There you go.

• 31:18Speaker 02

  I saw an art installation once, I think it was Heather Phillipson did a, um, she recreated like far, like a dystopian farm in the Newcastle Baltic.

• 31:30Speaker 02

  Gallery and she pumped in the smell of manure.

• 31:34Speaker 01

  Right.

• 31:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:35Speaker 01

  Well, I think that's something I'd forgotten. All these smells are triggering a lot in me. I haven't thought about it before. The theme park water is a very specific smell. I liked, I liked that. And then you mentioned Jorvik Viking Centre and I know how much I hate how much the Jorvik Viking Centre stinks.

• 31:54Speaker 00

  Today's episode of the Off Menu podcast is sponsored by Cozy, the home of possibilities, James.

• 32:01Speaker 01

  Ah, man, Ed, Cozy has everything you need to make your home feel like it has a plan. Do you know what I mean?

• 32:06Speaker 00

  I know what you mean. Cozy is a wonderful furniture company. It makes furnishing your whole home easy. Sofers, dining, storage, rugs, bedroom, even outdoor, all designed to make your space feel put together without the usual furniture stress. And James, we talk about dream meals on this podcast, but you know what? We very rarely talk about where we want to eat this dream meal.

• 32:26Speaker 01

  Sure. Yeah. I like it when it does come up. It is very important. It changes the whole meal, the set in the vibe. And Cozy's modular customizable furniture for the whole home does just that.

• 32:36Speaker 00

  And the meal, James, doesn't necessarily end at dessert. We've often talked about wanting to take our maybe final course through to a comfy room. And I think this is where Cozy can really come in handy. Go and relax on the sofa. Maybe even eat your meal at a lovely, beautiful cozy table, linger a little bit, move through with coffees and dessert to a lovely couch. But I know what you're like, James. You're a mucky pup.

• 32:58Speaker 01

  I'm gonna spill stuff everywhere. Is that gonna ruin the Cozy furniture?

• 33:01Speaker 00

  No, don't worry about that, James, because it's highly washable, James. It's sauce, wine, sparkling water, dessert crumbs. You telling one of your big stories and sloshing a coffee everywhere. Don't worry, you can pop it in the wash.

• 33:13Speaker 01

  Oh, so you're saying Cozy makes every day at home feel like my best day?

• 33:17Speaker 00

  Absolutely. That's exactly what I'm saying. And with Cozy, your home can grow with you, adapting to new spaces, new styles and every era of your life, James. I think it's so hard, especially when you move somewhere new, to immediately make that place feel like yours, that it's been put together well. And that's where Cozy comes in.

• 33:33Speaker 01

  And because it's cozy, the furniture isn't just good looking, but actually practical. Modular pieces, easy assembly, washable and interchangeable. Covers and free design consultations if you want help making the whole room work.

• 33:45Speaker 00

  And it's easy to order, ship and assemble and maintain, James. The only way is the Cozy way.

• 33:51Speaker 01

  Visit Cozy today. That's C O Z E Y dot com and make yourself at home.

• 34:04Speaker 01

  Dream main course, Amy.

• 34:06Speaker 02

  Dream main.

• 34:07Speaker 01

  So we know where you are now. You're on this, you're on parts of the Caribbean.

• 34:09Speaker 00

  I mean, you can just, you could change the location per course if you wanted, because you are on a boat, remember?

• 34:14Speaker 02

  That's true.

• 34:15Speaker 00

  So you could, the boat could go somewhere else?

• 34:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, it could, couldn't it? Okay. I think, so I'm going to go for a sag paneer. Maybe specifically the one from Mother India.

• 34:25Speaker 00

  Yes, shout out to Mother India.

• 34:28Speaker 02

  In Edinburgh slash Glasgow. I think they're just in Edinburgh Glasgow, is that right?

• 34:31Speaker 00

  I think so, yeah.

• 34:32Speaker 02

  Yeah. A sag paneer, I just absolutely love a sag paneer. So I'd have a sag paneer with, I think, a roti. And I'm still on the boat. I think we just stay to the boat. I'm really enjoying being on the boat.

• 34:46Speaker 00

  And stay in the parts of the Caribbean ride because of the twinkle, I guess.

• 34:49Speaker 02

  If the twinkle's right, you're not going to get that twinkle. I've tried. And yeah, so I'd maybe have the, have that. There's, I've just thought as well, there was, do you ever have a sort of memory? And you're not sure if it's like a phantom memory or actually because it's so odd.

• 35:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 35:05Speaker 02

  I think I've seen, and I will need to check, I think I have watched Ivo Graham.

• 35:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:11Speaker 02

  Eat a sag paneer.

• 35:12Speaker 01

  Well, I'll stop you now.

• 35:16Speaker 00

  This happened.

• 35:19Speaker 02

  And he, I can't even say, so I'm pretty sure he seasoned it by opening a bag of skips and tipping it out.

• 35:27Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 35:28Speaker 02

  Onto the curry.

• 35:29Speaker 00

  Wow. I mean, that's, that's huge.

• 35:31Speaker 01

  That is huge.

• 35:32Speaker 02

  And I've thought about it quite a lot since.

• 35:34Speaker 00

  Yeah. It's, I'll tell you what would be really weird is if he absolutely didn't do it.

• 35:39Speaker 02

  And it was just like one of those dreams that feels really real, but it's insane. Yeah, ask him now.

• 35:44Speaker 01

  I'll ring him and ask him. I'll pass him, I'll pass him over to you.

• 35:46Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 35:47Speaker 01

  If he answers.

• 35:50Speaker 02

  Hi Ivo, it's Amy Matthews. How are you? Quick cue, I just wondered if it's a phantom memory of this is something you actually did. When we went for a curry in 2022 at the Fringe, you pulled a bag of skips out of your lap and tipped it onto a curry. And I'm wondering, because I think I know I've seen it, but like to say it feels insane. I don't know if it's just one of those dreams that happen, that just feel real when you're in them. You know, if you're sitting in your A-levels in a Rainforest Cafe or something and it's just normal. So I just wondered if that is something you've done or if I have dreamt that and if you're all right.

• 36:37Speaker 02

  Cool, bye.

• 36:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's good.

• 36:40Speaker 00

  Really funny that he's got a missed call from James and that's the message.

• 36:44Speaker 01

  He's gonna wonder what's happened there. Didn't give him the context that we're on the podcast.

• 36:49Speaker 00

  I think they'll work it out.

• 36:50Speaker 01

  He's got a, he's an educated man.

• 36:52Speaker 00

  You mentioned the Rainforest Cafe, that's something else that smells of theme park water.

• 36:55Speaker 02

  It does.

• 36:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:56Speaker 02

  It does.

• 36:57Speaker 01

  You love it.

• 36:57Speaker 02

  It does.

• 37:00Speaker 01

  You love it.

• 37:03Speaker 02

  So yeah, I think, and yeah, I'm intrigued, I don't know if I'd want it in my dream menu, but I'm intrigued to try it, crisps on a curry.

• 37:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:10Speaker 00

  I think, I mean, I guess like a lot of people break their poppadom up over their curry. To add texture, which I understand, I don't do it personally.

• 37:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, it's not got enough structural integrity to hold the crunch though, has it? Because the second you whisper a bit of liquid.

• 37:25Speaker 00

  It's got soggy.

• 37:26Speaker 02

  It's, yeah.

• 37:27Speaker 00

  Like ready salted crisps, I could maybe understand. Skips, a prawn cocktail, they're prawn cocktail.

• 37:33Speaker 01

  That's quite exciting, it's skips.

• 37:34Speaker 00

  Maybe in a prawn curry.

• 37:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, and I guess as well, they've got that sort of lenticular shape, they'll hold.

• 37:42Speaker 00

  But hang on, if we're talking about poppadoms not standing up to moisture, skips dissolve.

• 37:47Speaker 02

  Famously.

• 37:47Speaker 00

  They're not holding anything, they're just dissolving straight away.

• 37:50Speaker 01

  You've got so many words I don't know.

• 37:54Speaker 00

  Lenticular.

• 37:55Speaker 02

  Like, like a, um, like a, a convex, like a, like a, like a lens.

• 38:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, lens. Yeah.

• 38:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:02Speaker 00

  Amazing.

• 38:03Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 38:03Speaker 00

  Lenticular, mousse.

• 38:04Speaker 02

  Mousse. It's a spectrum.

• 38:07Speaker 00

  I'm learning them all. Let's talk more about saugpaner.

• 38:11Speaker 02

  Saugpaner. I like, uh, do you know what? Actually, in a saugpaner, I like a light spice. I don't like it to be overpowering, but I like there to be so much salt in it that I'm, I shrivel.

• 38:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 38:22Speaker 02

  I like, I really, really, really, I, I don't, sorry, James, I don't have a hugely sweet tooth.

• 38:26Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 38:28Speaker 02

  Um, but I crave salt all the time.

• 38:31Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 38:31Speaker 02

  I just absolutely love salt. So I want it to be really salty and I want to feel it for days.

• 38:37Speaker 00

  Also, the paner, you need to season the hell out of that thing, right?

• 38:39Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 38:40Speaker 00

  Cause it's a lovely, it's a great textural cheese.

• 38:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, it is.

• 38:43Speaker 00

  It's not bringing the flavour or something.

• 38:44Speaker 02

  The thinking mantelumi. It's just, it's not, it's, it's, I like that it's not, it's not got the squeak of a lumi.

• 38:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:50Speaker 02

  It's got the, the pillowy boing.

• 38:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:54Speaker 02

  Yeah. So, um, yeah, saugpaner, little roti. Maybe specifically actually the, the roti from Ting Tai Caravan.

• 39:02Speaker 00

  Oh, great. Yeah.

• 39:03Speaker 02

  I know we're going sort of, um, international there.

• 39:07Speaker 00

  We're going, but we're going. It's all in Edinburgh.

• 39:08Speaker 02

  It's all in Edinburgh, for sure. Um, but yeah, so I'd probably go, yeah, the roti from there. Cause it's like, the roti from there tastes like buttered toast.

• 39:16Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 39:16Speaker 02

  Specifically, you know, the first slice of buttered toast you eat after you've been sick?

• 39:23Speaker 00

  Hmm. Yeah. Big shout out to Ting Tai Caravan. Congratulations. Good luck keeping the queues down.

• 39:30Speaker 02

  No, but that's a huge compliment.

• 39:31Speaker 00

  Sometimes restaurants hear themselves mentioned on the podcast and they change the description on the menu. Yeah. Of what the thing is. So they're going to have to change it to.

• 39:40Speaker 02

  Post vom.

• 39:41Speaker 00

  Yeah. Post vomit, first slice of toast with butter. The off menu podcast.

• 39:45Speaker 02

  That's the greatest compliment of which I'm capable.

• 39:47Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah, yeah, well, in that case, congratulations to them. It is euphoric after you've got everything out and then you.

• 39:53Speaker 02

  And you suddenly, you suddenly have appetite again and nothing tastes like that first.

• 40:00Speaker 00

  Buttered slice of toast.

• 40:02Speaker 02

  So that's what I want.

• 40:03Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 40:03Speaker 02

  That roti.

• 40:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:05Speaker 02

  Um, and then maybe, we'll, we'll try it with skips, but not for the, not for the dream menu.

• 40:08Speaker 00

  You could, we'll give you a little extra bowl of sauerpapier and, uh, and some skips.

• 40:12Speaker 02

  A little chaser.

• 40:13Speaker 00

  You can have a little, a little taste of it.

• 40:15Speaker 02

  That's nice. Thank you.

• 40:16Speaker 00

  Experiment bowl.

• 40:16Speaker 02

  That's lovely.

• 40:17Speaker 00

  No worries.

• 40:18Speaker 02

  That's really nice.

• 40:18Speaker 01

  Can people get your herring platter in Edinburgh? Cause so far, a lot of us in Edinburgh, people could, you know, the average comedy fan, if they go to the fringe next year.

• 40:27Speaker 02

  They could just do, they could do the Matthews tour.

• 40:29Speaker 01

  The Amy Matthews.

• 40:29Speaker 00

  Big, good, Ting Tai caravan's an absolute bun fight during the fringe though.

• 40:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:35Speaker 00

  It's fucking crazy in there.

• 40:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:36Speaker 00

  So popular.

• 40:37Speaker 02

  It is.

• 40:38Speaker 00

  Not anymore after the whole. Yeah. You walk straight in now. Yeah, the whole puke roti.

• 40:45Speaker 02

  Post puke roti.

• 40:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:48Speaker 02

  Um, so could you go there? I don't actually know. There used to be a Scandinavian place, um, Hema. I don't know if it's still there.

• 40:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, I remember that place.

• 40:57Speaker 02

  Uh, but yeah, I'm not sure. Yeah. People in the UK are just not ready for pickled herring.

• 41:02Speaker 00

  Do you think?

• 41:03Speaker 02

  They're just not.

• 41:03Speaker 00

  Hmm. Well, that's odd because like traditionally, like a lot of UK food is, there's a lot of pick, there's a lot of pickled stuff.

• 41:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:10Speaker 00

  And people like used to eat eel and things like that.

• 41:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:14Speaker 00

  Jelly deal. You would have thought people were ready for pickled herring.

• 41:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think, I don't know if there's something off putting about it being pickled and fish.

• 41:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, maybe.

• 41:23Speaker 02

  That's too quite, you know.

• 41:25Speaker 00

  I love it. I love, I love any, any like pickled fish, any smoked fish, stuff like that. It's great.

• 41:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:31Speaker 01

  Would you allow it if people wanted to do the Amy Matthews menu during Edinburgh?

• 41:35Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 41:35Speaker 01

  Uh, if they can't find your starter, that they go and see Richard Herring?

• 41:44Speaker 02

  Uh, yeah, I would actually. Yeah. And he, well, yeah, he has to, maybe he has to put three different outfits on.

• 41:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'd have to have the trilogy.

• 41:53Speaker 02

  The richest, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be nice.

• 41:56Speaker 00

  He's in a pickle.

• 41:57Speaker 01

  The richest Herring.

• 41:57Speaker 02

  The richest Herring. Oh, lovely stuff. Um, but yeah, maybe, um. Yeah, maybe go and see Herring.

• 42:06Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 42:06Speaker 02

  Thrice.

• 42:07Speaker 00

  Thrice, yeah, three times. Yeah.

• 42:10Speaker 02

  He's probably doing three shows.

• 42:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, he will be. He's doing a podcast.

• 42:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:21Speaker 00

  Dream side dish, is that?

• 42:23Speaker 02

  It's commutable.

• 42:26Speaker 02

  You can commute to your side dish. Sylvan in Glasgow does a, they're like a small plates place. I mean, aren't they all?

• 42:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:38Speaker 02

  But it's a small plates place and they do a smoked tomato on a cream cheese yogurt with like a paprika chili oil drizzle. And there's no way I could describe it that could do it justice. I'll do my best, but it's really smoky.

• 42:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:58Speaker 02

  And it just, it tastes like what you'd want, like a cartoon tomato to taste like. Do you know, you know?

• 43:08Speaker 00

  Well, it's like the tomato is tomato, right?

• 43:11Speaker 02

  A hundred percent.

• 43:12Speaker 00

  Okay, okay.

• 43:12Speaker 02

  It's like not as.

• 43:14Speaker 00

  Translate for you again.

• 43:17Speaker 01

  Well, I know what a cartoon tomato is, but I'm just thinking like. What it tastes like. What do you mean cartoon? I can't, yeah, I reach into the cartoon. Well, usually in cartoons, tomatoes being thrown at people and splatting everywhere and not being eaten. So I was like, I don't really know what I'd wanna, I assume cartoon tomatoes are like rotten fruit that are getting thrown around.

• 43:36Speaker 02

  Did you?

• 43:38Speaker 00

  I think what Amy meant was just like the platonic ideal of a tomato, right? Like the dream tomato.

• 43:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, I suppose. I just, I can't, I don't know how to describe it, except tasting like.

• 43:50Speaker 00

  Cartoon tomato?

• 43:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:54Speaker 01

  But.

• 43:57Speaker 01

  But also I guess I'd imagine it without like any hard bits in it, you know?

• 44:02Speaker 02

  Oh, okay.

• 44:03Speaker 01

  A cartoon tomato, I'd imagine without, you know, the bits in the tomato that are like.

• 44:08Speaker 02

  Seeds.

• 44:09Speaker 01

  No, no, the structural bits.

• 44:11Speaker 02

  Isn't it all structural bits?

• 44:12Speaker 01

  Nah, the bits is not, you know, there's like.

• 44:14Speaker 00

  The chambers.

• 44:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, there's the seeds in all the goop.

• 44:17Speaker 02

  The little ventricles.

• 44:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:19Speaker 01

  There's the seeds in the goop, but then there's the little segmented bits that like the skeleton of the, there for structure.

• 44:24Speaker 02

  I do.

• 44:25Speaker 01

  I guess I would imagine.

• 44:26Speaker 00

  The skeleton of the tomato.

• 44:27Speaker 02

  The skeleton of the tomato.

• 44:28Speaker 01

  I would imagine a cartoon tomato. Yeah. I'd imagine a cartoon tomato to be the skin and the gloop.

• 44:35Speaker 00

  I know what you mean.

• 44:37Speaker 02

  Okay, yeah, okay, that's fair enough.

• 44:39Speaker 00

  So it's smoked, but then how cooked is it texturally?

• 44:43Speaker 02

  It's, she's pretty loose.

• 44:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:49Speaker 02

  She's, yeah, she's, she's baggy.

• 44:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:52Speaker 00

  Is she charred on the outside?

• 44:53Speaker 02

  She's very slightly, very, very slightly. And then, yeah, it's, it's, it's just like really, really deep smokey flavours with an intense tomato, like tomato-iness. And then the chili oil is on top with the yoghurt underneath.

• 45:09Speaker 00

  The yoghurt underneath, yeah.

• 45:10Speaker 02

  So you can sort of dip in as much of the yoghurt as you like. It's honestly, I think about it all the time.

• 45:15Speaker 00

  Are you saving a bit of bread maybe from the bread course?

• 45:18Speaker 02

  Well, I think it actually comes with a little flatbread, like a bouncy flatbread. But I don't want to, I don't want to sneak in extra bread.

• 45:27Speaker 01

  You can if it's part of the dish.

• 45:29Speaker 00

  You've already done that with, with your main.

• 45:31Speaker 02

  With my rosé, oh yeah. Oh, it's got me on a technicality there, yeah.

• 45:35Speaker 00

  I think you got rye bread with the starter as well, so.

• 45:39Speaker 02

  Okay, yeah, I have, I've something extra bread.

• 45:42Speaker 01

  You tricked me.

• 45:46Speaker 01

  I fell for it. Even when you said I don't want to sneak in extra bread, I was like, I'm a respectable woman.

• 45:52Speaker 01

  And then Ed's just cut along to all the bread you've been eating.

• 45:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, fair enough.

• 45:59Speaker 01

  But you, you're allowed all that bread, it's all fine.

• 46:02Speaker 00

  You know, you can have, you can have flatbread or you can just use some of the bread from one of the other three times you've had bread.

• 46:09Speaker 02

  Can I have a little rest in between each course? Maybe a little go on the ride?

• 46:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, wait.

• 46:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:14Speaker 01

  Are you already on the ride?

• 46:15Speaker 00

  Can I check, are you going round and round the Pirates of the Caribbean ride on this?

• 46:18Speaker 02

  No, I think.

• 46:18Speaker 00

  For this meal, because those rides, those sorts of rides, Pirates of the Caribbean is a little bit better. But anything where you're like on a boat going through and there's a song playing.

• 46:27Speaker 02

  You don't really munch it. It's a bit one of the most, yeah.

• 46:30Speaker 01

  It's a small world or whatever.

• 46:31Speaker 00

  Oh my god.

• 46:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's absolute horror film stuff, but I, no, I think I don't want to be, because also in every single one, there's that little surprise.

• 46:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, the drop.

• 46:40Speaker 02

  Drop at the end, you can't be, you can't be.

• 46:43Speaker 00

  You can't be eating while that's happening.

• 46:44Speaker 02

  You can't be munching and dropping.

• 46:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:45Speaker 01

  Not over and over.

• 46:46Speaker 00

  Especially not with a loose tomato on your plate.

• 46:49Speaker 02

  A baggy tomato. So yeah, no, I don't think I am. I think I'm floating.

• 46:54Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 46:54Speaker 02

  Yeah. That's quite a tragic image, actually.

• 46:56Speaker 01

  You're just bobbing. In one, in one place.

• 46:58Speaker 02

  Yeah. Can I, can I have a guest?

• 47:01Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Who do you want? Apart from the animatronic pirates.

• 47:05Speaker 02

  Apart from them.

• 47:06Speaker 01

  And ignore the fact that Ben is trying to telepathically get you to invite him. E- e- even in a dream, he wants to go to Pirates of the Caribbean and go to Disney.

• 47:15Speaker 02

  Um, Chris Packham. Can I, Chris Packham?

• 47:19Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah, why Packham?

• 47:20Speaker 02

  I love, I could just listen to him talk all day. I love it when someone has an intense interest in something, knows loads about it.

• 47:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:27Speaker 02

  And just wants to soliloquy at you.

• 47:29Speaker 01

  Just info dump.

• 47:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would like, yes.

• 47:32Speaker 01

  He's got, he's got a rep for being, and, and, and he is owned up to this himself. He's a bit of a communion, bit of quick and tankers. Might not want to speak to you. Might be like, why have you put me on this stupid ride?

• 47:42Speaker 02

  I think if I ask him about Badgers and then just off you go, he'd be fine.

• 47:45Speaker 01

  I think that's probably the key is just to. Ask him. Just stay in Packham's lane.

• 47:49Speaker 02

  No small talk, just ask him when he thinks about something he might want to chat about.

• 47:53Speaker 01

  Yeah. Saw him at a butterfly museum once and I was like.

• 47:56Speaker 02

  Did you?

• 47:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Uh, it was a butterfly, no, a butterfly park was being, do you know what? My memory of this is a bit fuzzy.

• 48:03Speaker 02

  Was it in Essex?

• 48:04Speaker 01

  He was there to open a butterfly thing at something else. I don't think it would have been a butterfly museum. A butterfly park or like greenhouse with butterflies and a butterfly farm.

• 48:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:18Speaker 01

  Butterfly house. A, a bigger thing.

• 48:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:20Speaker 01

  And he was, he was stood, I think, watching some other man at like some goats or something.

• 48:25Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 48:26Speaker 01

  And me and my dad went up to him and my dad tried to talk to him about, he knew that Chris Packham supported Southampton. So I was like, oh, you're doing pretty bad in the league this year, Chris. And it's my first time in my life can ever remember seeing a celebrity not want to talk to someone.

• 48:42Speaker 02

  Oh, dear.

• 48:42Speaker 01

  I was like, oh, okay, these people are different.

• 48:46Speaker 02

  And now here we are.

• 48:47Speaker 01

  They don't like this.

• 48:50Speaker 02

  I um, I actually, I, there was a butterfly farm called, in Wat Tyler Country Park in Essex, um, that I had to go to as a child because I had, I was really scared of butterflies as a kid. Like really scared, like the movement of butterflies.

• 49:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:04Speaker 02

  Um, and in a sort of lovely bit of nineties parenting, um, in an exposure therapy.

• 49:11Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 49:12Speaker 02

  Uh, my parents were like, we'll, we'll go to the butterfly farm and you'll be fine. Like it will show there's nothing. And I refused to go unless I could wear a balaclava.

• 49:22Speaker 02

  So I'm just a little kid cutting them out in a butterfly farm in a balaclava.

• 49:26Speaker 01

  Looking like you were robbing the joint.

• 49:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, petrified.

• 49:32Speaker 00

  Put the butterflies in the bag. It's not really gonna work out.

• 49:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was absolutely petrified of them.

• 49:39Speaker 00

  Did it work though, the exposure therapy? Cause you're not petrified of them now, right?

• 49:42Speaker 02

  No, I'm not petrified of them now. That's true, actually.

• 49:44Speaker 00

  So it must have worked.

• 49:45Speaker 01

  Did it take you back without the balaclava?

• 49:47Speaker 02

  I don't remember. I don't remember at all.

• 49:50Speaker 01

  Just wearing a little hat maybe? Just like?

• 49:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, I had to take off it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wear the little face mask.

• 49:55Speaker 00

  Have you been to a butterfly house since, since that?

• 49:58Speaker 02

  Have I? I don't think I have.

• 49:59Speaker 00

  No.

• 50:00Speaker 02

  Maybe I should.

• 50:01Speaker 00

  So you might, you might, you might still be scared.

• 50:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, I might actually. Yeah, gosh. Why are we talking about butterflies?

• 50:08Speaker 00

  Packham.

• 50:08Speaker 02

  Packham.

• 50:09Speaker 01

  You want Packham on the ride?

• 50:10Speaker 02

  Oh, I want Packham on the ride. Oh, Packham on the ride. So yeah, I think that would be nice. That would be less tragic.

• 50:14Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 50:15Speaker 02

  I think being on a boat eating with Chris Packham.

• 50:18Speaker 00

  Imagine if he just looked at you, you asked him a question, he just looked at you and he just slowly just got into the water and swam away.

• 50:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:25Speaker 02

  It'd smell great.

• 50:26Speaker 00

  Yeah. Oh God, come back Chris, give me a whiff.

• 50:28Speaker 01

  Joined the pirates, he just.

• 50:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:30Speaker 01

  He just turned into, he just dressed as a pirate and just.

• 50:33Speaker 02

  That would be scary.

• 50:35Speaker 00

  Stay completely still. Maybe she won't see me.

• 50:39Speaker 01

  Like when people run, like when, in Scooby Doo, when they run away from a villain.

• 50:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:43Speaker 02

  Oh dear. I am, yeah, so I'd have Chris on there with my, where are we? Side, side dish, yeah.

• 50:50Speaker 00

  Is Chris, is Chris Packham veggie, vegan?

• 50:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:53Speaker 02

  I'd imagine he's vegan, let's be honest.

• 50:55Speaker 01

  Otherwise, it's fucking rich.

• 51:01Speaker 01

  Gotta be.

• 51:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:02Speaker 01

  Packham's gotta be.

• 51:03Speaker 02

  He's got to be.

• 51:04Speaker 00

  Pull that up, Benito.

• 51:05Speaker 01

  Pull that up, Benito, but we don't even need to, because Packham definitely will be a vegan.

• 51:10Speaker 00

  So he's probably not eating the dairy products in your.

• 51:14Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 51:15Speaker 00

  You can have the tomato off the top.

• 51:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:19Speaker 01

  That's the point. There's a lot of stuff he's gonna, he's not gonna wanna go near that smoked herring platter you've got.

• 51:23Speaker 02

  No, he's not, is he?

• 51:24Speaker 00

  No.

• 51:24Speaker 02

  He is.

• 51:25Speaker 01

  It won't load.

• 51:26Speaker 00

  It won't load.

• 51:26Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 51:27Speaker 02

  I think we can quite confidently say, at least veggie.

• 51:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:32Speaker 02

  He's gotta be.

• 51:32Speaker 00

  Veggie min.

• 51:33Speaker 02

  Veggie min. But yeah, I love that, don't you? Like, you know when someone just really knows something?

• 51:38Speaker 00

  Depends what the thing is.

• 51:39Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 51:40Speaker 01

  Does depend what the thing is. And also, more broadly, um, no.

• 51:50Speaker 00

  No, never.

• 51:51Speaker 01

  I just want them to shut up.

• 51:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:53Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 51:53Speaker 01

  I've, I've, I've, I mean, yeah.

• 51:56Speaker 02

  What's happened there is you've just thought of an incident.

• 51:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:58Speaker 01

  No, actually, I, I, I think I would like to hear them.

• 52:01Speaker 00

  Imagine James saying that Chris Packham's famously a curmudgeon.

• 52:06Speaker 00

  Whilst he's sitting there with his own personality.

• 52:08Speaker 01

  I'm all right.

• 52:09Speaker 00

  And then going, and then, yeah, my dad spoke to Chris Packham, and Chris Packham was just really annoyed that someone just come up to speak to him.

• 52:15Speaker 01

  Yeah?

• 52:15Speaker 00

  Yeah. James in the background taking notes.

• 52:17Speaker 01

  Inspiration.

• 52:25Speaker 01

  Your dream drink, Amy.

• 52:27Speaker 02

  Oh, okay. Um, it's a twist on a paloma from, there's a bar and restaurant in Truro. So that's a heck of a commute.

• 52:36Speaker 01

  Love Truro.

• 52:37Speaker 00

  I'm going there soon.

• 52:38Speaker 02

  Right, go to Buster for Jones.

• 52:40Speaker 00

  Buster for Jones.

• 52:41Speaker 02

  Buster for Jones.

• 52:41Speaker 00

  I like the name.

• 52:42Speaker 02

  It's good, it's good stuff. And, um, they did a paloma that was mezcal instead of tequila.

• 52:48Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 52:48Speaker 02

  Uh, with pink grapefruit juice, I believe violet bitters and a Himalayan salt rim.

• 52:55Speaker 00

  Oof.

• 52:56Speaker 02

  And it was, honestly, it tastes like, you know, the smell of ashtrays.

• 53:03Speaker 01

  Amy, once again.

• 53:06Speaker 01

  It was all going well until you described it.

• 53:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 53:08Speaker 02

  No, it's.

• 53:09Speaker 00

  They should put that in a candle.

• 53:09Speaker 02

  The smell of ashtrays. The smell of ashtrays. I've got a tobacco candle, you know.

• 53:14Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 53:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's nice. Yeah, it tastes like the smell of ashtrays.

• 53:18Speaker 01

  Um, so just because some listeners might be thinking ashtrays smell disgusting.

• 53:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:26Speaker 00

  Which they do.

• 53:26Speaker 01

  What would you say to those people?

• 53:29Speaker 02

  When I ordered it, the person behind the bar actually came to the table.

• 53:34Speaker 00

  Yeah. And said, stop smoking.

• 53:36Speaker 02

  And just said, by the way, like, are you sure? There's something on their menu.

• 53:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 53:40Speaker 02

  They were like, we just need to give you a heads up because a lot of people order this not really knowing what they're letting themselves in for. Um, do you think you'll be all right with this? And I was like, I don't think I'll come. And it was great. It was absolutely extraordinary.

• 53:53Speaker 01

  Great.

• 53:53Speaker 02

  So, yeah, it tastes like, do you know, there's like a bitter ashiness in the bottom of an ashtray?

• 54:01Speaker 00

  I've never licked one.

• 54:02Speaker 01

  See, yeah, if you were saying it's got that smoky burnt flavour of like, maybe like if you saw like a campfire or.

• 54:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:11Speaker 01

  Or if I, I'd be like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The ashtray is what's throwing me.

• 54:15Speaker 00

  I imagine I'm sat in a pub garden and then it started to rain and the ashtray's wet and it stinks and it's brittle and I hate it.

• 54:21Speaker 02

  Now I imagine there's Himalayan salt.

• 54:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:24Speaker 02

  So, yeah, but I.

• 54:26Speaker 00

  So it's an ashtray with a salt rim, is it?

• 54:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, so because I think it's important to, the reason it's an ashtray, not a bonfire, is because there's a real acidity. And like, or like bitterness, actually, from the, um, from the pink grapefruit that I don't want to get missed.

• 54:42Speaker 00

  Yes. I think it's just the ashtray thing that's still a problem.

• 54:45Speaker 02

  Okay, yeah. Okay, well, then if I were to say to you, sake tastes like the smell of hot cars.

• 54:55Speaker 02

  Ed's like, it's gonna be sick.

• 54:57Speaker 00

  Well, you can say it or you like.

• 54:58Speaker 01

  The inside of a hot car.

• 54:59Speaker 02

  Does that make sense to you?

• 55:00Speaker 01

  No, not really. The inside of a hot car, the outside.

• 55:04Speaker 02

  Inside.

• 55:05Speaker 00

  You know how I was completely going along with everything you were saying before and I was having to tell James about it? Now you've lost me.

• 55:11Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 55:11Speaker 01

  Yeah. One of my favourite things in life.

• 55:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 55:14Speaker 01

  Is Ed talking to me like he isn't about to fall in the same hole as me.

• 55:20Speaker 01

  Many, many times. James, this is what it feels like to be talking to you. And he's in the pit for me, not knowing what the fuck is going on.

• 55:29Speaker 00

  I'm so sorry, James. I've broken my leg.

• 55:33Speaker 02

  But I just, yeah, I think, I can't think of a comparative taste that describes something as well as the smell of ashtrays.

• 55:41Speaker 00

  There's no way, there's no way Packham's staying on this boat.

• 55:45Speaker 02

  He doesn't have to talk to me about the food.

• 55:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, but of course, he's gonna be talking about badges, badges and stuff. And then you're gonna have a sip of that. Do you think it tastes like ashtrays? Splush.

• 55:57Speaker 02

  Do you know one thing that is quite nice?

• 56:01Speaker 02

  I often order the food or drink that everyone else finds repulsive, so I don't often have to share anything.

• 56:08Speaker 00

  I'm kind of similar. I will go for something that I think maybe looks a bit disgusting to everyone else.

• 56:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:13Speaker 00

  Shout out to mountain, my favourite dish on the, on the menu, the tripe.

• 56:17Speaker 02

  The tripe, a bit of tripe.

• 56:18Speaker 00

  But it's just called tripe. Gives no clues as to what they do with it, but they add so many like layers of flavour to it. There's like some pork cooked in there, some tomatoes. It's slow stewed. It's absolutely amazing.

• 56:29Speaker 01

  There's somewhere in Truro where I got a drink that was so good.

• 56:33Speaker 00

  I don't think I'm staying in Truro. I'm gonna have to stay.

• 56:35Speaker 01

  You've got to stay in Truro, man. It's the best place in the world.

• 56:39Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 56:40Speaker 00

  James loves Truro.

• 56:42Speaker 02

  Do you really love it that much? Um, have you seen the Wonky Cathedral?

• 56:45Speaker 01

  No, I didn't see that.

• 56:50Speaker 02

  Genuinely, they started building it and then they got two thirds of the way down and thought, oh bugger, we're gonna hit a tree. And it's always something like that. And instead of cutting it down or moving that out of the way, they just moved the cathedral.

• 57:04Speaker 00

  That's so true, Arma.

• 57:06Speaker 01

  What I will ask for that story is you said they got two thirds of the way down. Did they start building the cathedral from the top?

• 57:15Speaker 02

  No, no, no, from.

• 57:17Speaker 00

  From the front?

• 57:17Speaker 02

  From the front.

• 57:18Speaker 00

  I don't think that's how buildings work, is it? You don't start at the front and then I think you have to do the whole bottom first, don't you? You have to do the foundations.

• 57:26Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. So they must have got two thirds of the way across.

• 57:30Speaker 00

  Yeah. And then gone.

• 57:32Speaker 02

  Yeah. And shimmyed round.

• 57:34Speaker 01

  For some reason, my phone's not searching anything. But in Truro, sometimes, and Ed might find this as well because they're doing this podcast, people know you're from the pod, but they don't let you know. And then there's a telltale sign at some point where they, so they just treat like a normal customer. And then right at the end in this place in Truro, they were like, um, I said, can we have the chat, please? And I went, oh, uh, yeah. Uh, you not have a drink or anything at the end? I thought, uh, I don't think so. Hmm. And she pointed at this one on the menu and went, that tastes like boozy ice cream. I went, yeah, I'll have that. And I think she was like, I really wanted him to order that. I don't know if you'll like it. It's this drink and it was just like boozy ice cream.

• 58:14Speaker 02

  And what was in it? Do you remember?

• 58:15Speaker 01

  Nope. But it smelled delicious.

• 58:18Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 58:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:19Speaker 01

  It did not smell like a ashtray or anything. It smelled like a tub of ice cream that had had a load of booze poured into it. And it tasted exactly like that.

• 58:27Speaker 02

  That's delicious.

• 58:28Speaker 01

  Um, it was very good. I think it might have been vodka was the spirit that was in it, but it was, um, it was great.

• 58:33Speaker 02

  There was a speakeasy bar in my hometown when I was growing up called The Black Cat, now defunct. And they used to have, that, I tell you what, that was the perfect level of twinkle.

• 58:44Speaker 00

  Oh, there you go.

• 58:45Speaker 02

  Basically pitch black, except for tiny little lights. And the lights were the menus. So they just stapled the menus around the lights. So you'd have to go up to a light to look at the menu. And, uh, they used to have a cocktail called The Grasshopper. And it honestly tasted like liquefied vianetta.

• 59:07Speaker 01

  Your dream dessert now, now, so now we're getting into this and you've already said you don't really have a sweet tooth.

• 59:12Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 59:12Speaker 01

  But you did turn up here today with a croissant cookie dough pie.

• 59:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:17Speaker 01

  So, I mean, I'm crossing my fingers.

• 59:19Speaker 00

  You said you like the grasshopper cocktail, so.

• 59:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay, so my dessert is a lavender and tonka bean creme brulee.

• 59:28Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 59:29Speaker 00

  Is it from anywhere or is it just something you've made up in your head?

• 59:31Speaker 02

  I've had a tonka bean creme brulee.

• 59:32Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 59:33Speaker 02

  I've had a lavender creme brulee. I would like a lavender and tonka bean.

• 59:37Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 59:38Speaker 01

  Now, do you want it that the, the whole thing, like the flavours are just mixed together or do you want it like it's half and half?

• 59:44Speaker 02

  Ooh, now you're asking.

• 59:47Speaker 01

  Yeah. That's my job.

• 59:49Speaker 00

  Mine?

• 59:51Speaker 02

  No, I'm going combo. That's, I think.

• 59:54Speaker 01

  It's all mixed together. But that's a big swing because you don't know what that tastes like.

• 59:57Speaker 02

  I know, but I think it would be.

• 59:59Speaker 00

  But tonka bean is very, is basically vanilla flavours, right? So it's like fairly non-obtrusive as a flavour.

• 1:00:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, it would just give a sort of mellow sweetness underneath, I think.

• 1:00:10Speaker 00

  Whereas lavender is a, you know, it's coming out swinging lavender.

• 1:00:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:00:13Speaker 00

  It doesn't, it doesn't give a fuck.

• 1:00:15Speaker 01

  It doesn't give a fuck.

• 1:00:16Speaker 02

  Have you ever put lavender in your hot chocolate?

• 1:00:18Speaker 00

  No, I'm not a lavender guy. I really don't like lavender.

• 1:00:20Speaker 01

  I'm not a lavender guy either.

• 1:00:22Speaker 02

  You're a hot chocolate guy.

• 1:00:23Speaker 01

  I'm a hot chocolate guy.

• 1:00:24Speaker 00

  He's a hot chocolate guy.

• 1:00:25Speaker 01

  Pleased to meet you. But like, uh.

• 1:00:27Speaker 00

  I prefer smoky flavour, so I'd rather just tap a fag into my hot chocolate.

• 1:00:30Speaker 02

  A wooden wheel?

• 1:00:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:34Speaker 02

  Honestly, if you get, you know, you get like those little tea strainers. If you get dried lavender, bung that in your hot chocolate.

• 1:00:40Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:00:42Speaker 02

  Three minutes?

• 1:00:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:43Speaker 02

  Back out, smashing.

• 1:00:44Speaker 01

  I don't hate that idea actually. That does sound quite, now that you've described it, that's, that's a nice description.

• 1:00:49Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 1:00:51Speaker 00

  So you can do it?

• 1:00:52Speaker 01

  You can do it!

• 1:00:56Speaker 02

  That's not a description. That was instructions.

• 1:00:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's what James prefers that.

• 1:01:00Speaker 02

  Okay, fair enough.

• 1:01:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:02Speaker 01

  It put a nicer image in my head anyway.

• 1:01:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fair enough.

• 1:01:06Speaker 01

  I think Packham's gonna like this dessert.

• 1:01:08Speaker 02

  Do you?

• 1:01:09Speaker 01

  Tonka bean and lavender creme brulee. I think this is more like Packham Street.

• 1:01:12Speaker 00

  Nature, a lot of nature in there.

• 1:01:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:01:14Speaker 01

  Might not be vegan.

• 1:01:15Speaker 02

  It's a little, it's a little meadow, isn't it?

• 1:01:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:17Speaker 02

  Yeah. I, um, I, when a creme brulee's on a menu, I can't not order it.

• 1:01:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:23Speaker 02

  Like irrespective of what, what else is on it, I have to get a creme brulee.

• 1:01:27Speaker 01

  This is, and that's a thing as well. A lot of people have this.

• 1:01:31Speaker 02

  Really?

• 1:01:32Speaker 01

  Yeah. And specifically with creme brulees, where they, they, if, they can't not order it if it's on there. I don't know what it is about a creme brulee specifically. Maybe because the first time you have it.

• 1:01:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:01:43Speaker 01

  It is so, it's such a game changer that you're so attached to that memory that you wanna go back and have it again, but.

• 1:01:50Speaker 02

  And again, I suppose you're, it's, it's edible ash, isn't it?

• 1:01:55Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:01:55Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 1:01:56Speaker 02

  The, the burn, you know, the burny.

• 1:02:00Speaker 00

  It's not ash though.

• 1:02:01Speaker 02

  No, but it, it, but it is, you know?

• 1:02:04Speaker 00

  Caramel sort of.

• 1:02:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, the, the crack, it's the, the hard surface. It's all, well, it's bruleed, let's face it. And, uh.

• 1:02:12Speaker 02

  Yeah. I think there's something really novel about eating something that feels like you shouldn't be eating it.

• 1:02:17Speaker 01

  Hmm. Do you feel like you shouldn't be eating a creme brulee?

• 1:02:19Speaker 00

  Well, I guess if it's burny on top.

• 1:02:20Speaker 01

  They fuck it up on the top.

• 1:02:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like licking the bottom of a toaster, isn't it?

• 1:02:24Speaker 00

  Oh, licking the bottom of something again.

• 1:02:27Speaker 00

  It's the ashtray, it's the toaster.

• 1:02:28Speaker 01

  Licking the bottom of a toaster.

• 1:02:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:32Speaker 01

  Picture you just going around your balaclava and just licking the bottom of an ashtray, bottom of a toaster.

• 1:02:38Speaker 00

  There was a creme brulee on the menu of where we were last night.

• 1:02:40Speaker 02

  Where were you last night?

• 1:02:41Speaker 01

  Jay Sheeky.

• 1:02:41Speaker 00

  Jay Sheeky in, uh, in town. It's like, really like central town. It's like a very old seafood restaurant. It was nice. There was a salted caramel creme brulee on there. And I was like, my initial thought was, oh my God, that sounds great. And then my next thought was, that's gonna be too sweet.

• 1:02:58Speaker 01

  Well. Right.

• 1:02:59Speaker 00

  Did anyone have it?

• 1:03:00Speaker 01

  I, I, uh, Kieran had it, it was sitting next to me. He offered me a little bite.

• 1:03:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:04Speaker 01

  Uh, it was good.

• 1:03:06Speaker 02

  It was nice.

• 1:03:06Speaker 01

  It was very nice. And I don't think it was too sweet of it. And you would have loved the top. Actually, the top was very, had a burnt caramel flavour to it.

• 1:03:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:15Speaker 01

  Um, very, it wasn't, I get disappointed with creme brulees if the top is just a bit too nothingy.

• 1:03:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:22Speaker 01

  Cause they don't wanna go too big on the, the burnt flavour on, on the top. So they don't, if they think it'll put people off. But I want it to be that you get a proper crack when you hit it with a spoon.

• 1:03:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:32Speaker 01

  And that you get that burnt flavour to it.

• 1:03:35Speaker 02

  Absolutely. Do you know what? This is not gonna go down well. So, um, the noise that you want on a creme brulee.

• 1:03:42Speaker 01

  We go, what's this gonna be compared to?

• 1:03:45Speaker 00

  A bone, a bone breaking.

• 1:03:46Speaker 01

  Everyone pause the podcast as you're listening.

• 1:03:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:48Speaker 01

  Try and guess what Amy is gonna compare this to.

• 1:03:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:52Speaker 02

  So.

• 1:03:52Speaker 01

  And, and a little clue, it'll sound nothing like what it, what, what, what hit in the top of a creme brulee. That's what it's like.

• 1:04:00Speaker 02

  So, my sister was a big fan of the animated Barbie movies.

• 1:04:06Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:04:07Speaker 02

  There is a really specific sound that the Barbie's heels make on cobbles.

• 1:04:16Speaker 02

  If you're bouncing the spoon on a creme brulee, it needs to sound like animated.

• 1:04:21Speaker 00

  Before you crack it.

• 1:04:22Speaker 02

  Before, like, yeah, yeah, yeah, before you crack it. It's not, it's not a pop, actually. That was.

• 1:04:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:26Speaker 02

  So the sound of animated Barbie's heels.

• 1:04:30Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:04:30Speaker 02

  On a cobble.

• 1:04:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:32Speaker 02

  That's the sound you want on top of a creme brulee.

• 1:04:33Speaker 00

  Well, we can't verify that sadly.

• 1:04:35Speaker 01

  If you guessed that, then, um.

• 1:04:37Speaker 00

  You go to sign, sign chopping.

• 1:04:38Speaker 01

  You get a sign chopping board tweeting the podcast. Say, I, I guess the Barbie, animated Barbie's feet on the cobbles.

• 1:04:45Speaker 02

  It's a really specific sound.

• 1:04:46Speaker 00

  So does it remind you of the animated Barbie movies every time you have a creme brulee?

• 1:04:50Speaker 02

  It will now.

• 1:04:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:52Speaker 01

  When you saw the live action Barbie movie that came out last year, um, were you disappointed by the sounds of the?

• 1:04:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, there wasn't enough, um, creme brulee tapping action.

• 1:05:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:03Speaker 02

  Yeah. But, um, it's a really specific sound. Have you, have you got it?

• 1:05:08Speaker 01

  Has Ben, has Ben got the animated Barbie movie queued up?

• 1:05:11Speaker 02

  I'm gonna.

• 1:05:13Speaker 00

  Did you just think Benito might have somehow in the last, and we've not edited any of that. So within the last seven seconds, do you think Benito's found an animated Barbie walking down the street with the goggles, sorry goggles specifically?

• 1:05:26Speaker 01

  He's found it.

• 1:05:27Speaker 02

  Yeah. See, he's already come up. Barbie's heels on ground.

• 1:05:29Speaker 01

  Barbie's heels on ground.

• 1:05:30Speaker 02

  That's because that's what I think.

• 1:05:32Speaker 01

  That's what you searched.

• 1:05:33Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:05:34Speaker 01

  It's dropped down of your recent searches. Could you search it regularly?

• 1:05:38Speaker 02

  And I'm, oh, here we go.

• 1:05:39Speaker 01

  I regret I'm not getting back to us, of course.

• 1:05:45Speaker 02

  Wait, Barbie.

• 1:05:46Speaker 01

  It's like, whatever I hear from him. Oh, for the like of that. Just assume me and Amy are hanging out, talking about him dumping a packet of skips.

• 1:05:54Speaker 02

  I will find it and I will send it to you.

• 1:05:56Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:05:56Speaker 02

  But it's, yeah, it's a really specific noise.

• 1:05:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, but that's what you want the creme brulee to sound like.

• 1:06:01Speaker 02

  That's not what I like.

• 1:06:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:06:02Speaker 01

  When we hit it.

• 1:06:03Speaker 00

  Lavender and tonka bean creme brulee.

• 1:06:07Speaker 02

  We're obviously, we're wanting like a very smooth texture as well, but not wobbly. I don't like it when they're wobbly. You know, when they're slightly panna cotta-ry.

• 1:06:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:06:14Speaker 02

  None of that.

• 1:06:15Speaker 01

  The one last night was a bit panna cotta-ry, actually. I don't know if you would have approved.

• 1:06:18Speaker 00

  Probably because they just pulled it straight out of the fridge and done the, the thing.

• 1:06:22Speaker 01

  They just brule it, follow on.

• 1:06:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brule it straight away.

• 1:06:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, you can't always have both.

• 1:06:26Speaker 02

  You can't, actually.

• 1:06:28Speaker 01

  What's more important to you, the, the top or the bottom?

• 1:06:31Speaker 00

  What bread do you want with that?

• 1:06:34Speaker 02

  There was honestly a bit of me that was like, do I want a little lavender, um, shortbread with it?

• 1:06:39Speaker 00

  I would, normally creme brulee ends up coming with like a shortbread or some sort of biscuit.

• 1:06:43Speaker 02

  In which case can I have a lavender and Earl Grey shortbread?

• 1:06:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:06:45Speaker 02

  Great.

• 1:06:45Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:06:46Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 1:06:47Speaker 01

  That is.

• 1:06:48Speaker 02

  There we go. I've just, all of my food involves some kind of dipping.

• 1:06:52Speaker 00

  Dipping or mopping.

• 1:06:53Speaker 02

  Dipping or mopping.

• 1:06:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, it's, it's a fun thing to do.

• 1:06:55Speaker 02

  It is a fun thing to do. Yeah, I like a bit of, um, activity. Dip and mop, as they say.

• 1:07:02Speaker 01

  Going to read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it. You want sparkling water, fine mousse, poppings of bread, sourdough with melted crab butter from?

• 1:07:12Speaker 02

  Nato.

• 1:07:13Speaker 01

  Nato, yeah, in Edinburgh. Cause the way it was written here, I was like, it can't be called NATO.

• 1:07:21Speaker 01

  Start, you want a traditional Scandi pickled herring trilogy. Main course, Sarg Paner from Mother India with roti from Ting Tai Caravan that tastes like,

• 1:07:34Speaker 01

  side dish, smoked tomato with cream cheese, yogurt and chili oil from Sylvan in Glasgow. Drink, mezcal paloma from Bustafa Jones in Truro, shout out Truro. Dessert, lavender and tonka bean creme brulee of your own invention with a lavender and Earl Grey shortbread. How's that feel?

• 1:07:54Speaker 02

  That feels so good.

• 1:07:55Speaker 00

  That does sound really good.

• 1:07:57Speaker 02

  I'm really excited about it. We'd have to have some proper breaks in between each course, I think.

• 1:08:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, we're on the boat.

• 1:08:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, but there's no, like, it's, it's not, you know, it's not an orchestra, is it?

• 1:08:10Speaker 00

  We've had less cohesive menus.

• 1:08:12Speaker 02

  Have you?

• 1:08:13Speaker 01

  Easily. Yeah, I'd eat, I'd eat that over a lot of the fucking slop we have on it.

• 1:08:18Speaker 02

  It is the curve ball, yeah, for sure. No, I'm actually, I'm tough with that. That's smashing.

• 1:08:23Speaker 00

  Sounds delicious.

• 1:08:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:08:25Speaker 01

  Congratulations, Amy.

• 1:08:26Speaker 02

  Thank you so much.

• 1:08:27Speaker 00

  Amy, thank you for coming to the dream restaurant.

• 1:08:28Speaker 02

  My pleasure. Thank you for having me.

• 1:08:30Speaker 01

  Thank you, Amy.

• 1:08:36Speaker 00

  Thank you so much to Amy for coming on the podcast.

• 1:08:38Speaker 01

  Well.

• 1:08:39Speaker 00

  James, you were baffled for a lot of that. It was beautiful.

• 1:08:42Speaker 01

  Sensory overload.

• 1:08:43Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:08:43Speaker 01

  How things sound, how things smell, how things taste.

• 1:08:46Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 1:08:47Speaker 01

  But like, all described in ways I'd never heard before, some words I'd never heard before, some, uh, some visuals that in my head didn't marry up with what Amy was talking about, the dishes. It was crazy. I mean, I can't be the only one who felt upside down during that episode.

• 1:09:04Speaker 00

  Hey, look, it was a great episode. I loved Amy's descriptions.

• 1:09:08Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:09:08Speaker 00

  I don't think, you know, I think you can't have a go at someone for the way they describe the taste of something because taste is all so subjective. It's, it's all internal experience.

• 1:09:18Speaker 01

  Oh, that's fair.

• 1:09:20Speaker 00

  How do we know we're tasting the same thing as everyone else? How do we know we're seeing the same things as everyone else? You might see in black and white.

• 1:09:25Speaker 01

  I don't.

• 1:09:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, but, but how do I know that?

• 1:09:28Speaker 01

  I see him full colour.

• 1:09:29Speaker 00

  But how do I know that?

• 1:09:31Speaker 01

  I'm, I'm never lied to you.

• 1:09:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, but you might not be lying to me, but you might be saying you see in full colour. But what, how do I know what full colour means to you?

• 1:09:39Speaker 01

  Black and white's two colours. I can count at least six looking around right now.

• 1:09:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, but how do I know that you know what two colours is?

• 1:09:47Speaker 01

  I know, I, I.

• 1:09:48Speaker 00

  This is what I mean, we never know.

• 1:09:50Speaker 01

  This is classic.

• 1:09:51Speaker 00

  We never know if James Acaster could see him black and white or not.

• 1:09:53Speaker 01

  Durham boy thinking I don't know what two colours is.

• 1:09:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know what two colours is.

• 1:10:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. But how, how do we know? We're talking about the same thing when we talk about two colours.

• 1:10:04Speaker 01

  Are you kidding me? We've had loads of conversations about colours.

• 1:10:07Speaker 00

  I've got a two one in philosophy, mate, back off.

• 1:10:09Speaker 01

  How, how do I know that you know what a two one is?

• 1:10:11Speaker 00

  That's a good point. Sounds like my dad.

• 1:10:16Speaker 01

  But this compliment, I could pay someone.

• 1:10:19Speaker 01

  Thank you, Amy, so much for not saying the secret ingredient, the bird of Matthews, turkey dinosaurs.

• 1:10:24Speaker 00

  Yes, although now I do want a, a turkey dinosaur.

• 1:10:27Speaker 01

  Wouldn't mind one. Do you want some ketchup with it?

• 1:10:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, gotta.

• 1:10:31Speaker 00

  Gotta dip it.

• 1:10:32Speaker 01

  Any particular dinosaur?

• 1:10:34Speaker 00

  Uh, ooh, brontosaurus, I think.

• 1:10:37Speaker 01

  I think they should start doing the one, uh, where the things fan out from its neck and it spits poison at it.

• 1:10:44Speaker 01

  Better Matthew should do that.

• 1:10:45Speaker 00

  Yeah. The brontosaurus, I think is the best for dipping.

• 1:10:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:10:49Speaker 00

  Cause you get the head, then some of the neck and then a bit more neck and then you got the, basically got a nugget left.

• 1:10:55Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. You get to end with a nugget.

• 1:10:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:10:57Speaker 01

  That's more familiar.

• 1:10:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:58Speaker 01

  But you just say you do, you don't use the head and neck as a handle to dip the nugget in.

• 1:11:04Speaker 00

  Also, good idea. I'd go, no, I'd go head, gone, neck, gone, body, gone.

• 1:11:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:11:11Speaker 00

  Yeah. And then you're only with the big nugget bite at the end.

• 1:11:14Speaker 01

  Amy F Matthews across all social media platforms is where you can find Amy and keep up to date on her gigs that she's doing. Any more podcast appearances, TV appearances, you can be, uh, Amy F Matthews Stan.

• 1:11:28Speaker 00

  Yes, you can. And why don't follow Off Menu on social media?

• 1:11:31Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:11:32Speaker 00

  Off Menu Official.

• 1:11:33Speaker 01

  That's where you can tweet Benito directly for all your, all the chopping board competitions. That we launch on here. That's most of that is on social media and you just message Benito directly.

• 1:11:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:11:44Speaker 01

  He has been sneaky lately and he's added a little thing. I didn't know that there was like text that comes with the podcast that you can read.

• 1:11:52Speaker 00

  Show notes.

• 1:11:53Speaker 01

  Uh, the show notes and he's, he's added in that, um.

• 1:11:57Speaker 00

  A disclaimer.

• 1:11:57Speaker 01

  No one will get a chopping board. It's not going to happen. It's a joke those two have made up, but you've got to remember Benito doesn't know what he's doing. Uh, when he's writing those show notes, he's, he's drinking hooch.

• 1:12:09Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:12:10Speaker 01

  And moonshine.

• 1:12:10Speaker 00

  Oh my goodness.

• 1:12:11Speaker 01

  He doesn't know, he doesn't mean any of that. So if he doesn't send you a signed chopping board, you really should keep persisting and asking for one until he does it because.

• 1:12:20Speaker 00

  Cause he loves, he loves ripping you off.

• 1:12:22Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:12:23Speaker 00

  It Benito, he's all day. He just sits high on moonshine in his outside bath.

• 1:12:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:12:30Speaker 00

  Chuckling away.

• 1:12:31Speaker 01

  Scrubbing his back with a, with a brush, old wiry brush.

• 1:12:34Speaker 00

  Laughing so much with his one tooth glinting in the sun.

• 1:12:37Speaker 01

  And with the moon, in the light of the moon.

• 1:12:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:12:40Speaker 01

  With his banjo rested on the side of his wooden wreckety old porch and he loves ripping you off.

• 1:12:46Speaker 00

  He loves ripping you off and he gets out his bath and then the light of the moon glints off his pale buttocks.

• 1:12:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:12:52Speaker 00

  And he chuckles into the night sky, imagining all of you not getting your signed chopping boards.

• 1:12:56Speaker 01

  Yes. So you have to persist.

• 1:12:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:12:59Speaker 01

  And to go, remember you owe me a signed chopping board.

• 1:13:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:13:03Speaker 01

  And decide which competition it was for, because that is the only bit that I'll grant him is confusing for him is there's a number of competitions. Where the signed chopping board is the prize. So you really should remind him which one it was, which, which, which one of the many.

• 1:13:17Speaker 00

  Hashtag the monkeys are in charge of the bus.

• 1:13:19Speaker 01

  Hashtag the monkeys are in charge of the bus and any other hashtags we told you to attach.

• 1:13:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:13:25Speaker 01

  In the past.

• 1:13:27Speaker 00

  Thank you very much for listening. We'll see you next week.

• 1:13:30Speaker 01

  Goodbye.

• 1:13:30Speaker 00

  Bye.

• 1:13:41Speaker 03

  Hello there Amy, Ed, James, Benito and everyone else at Hoff Menu PLC. Sorry to miss your call, I was at Pilates. But I'm delighted to say that Amy's memory is not a false one. In fact, my skip sprinkled sag paneer was the crowning glory on what I would truly count as one of the lower end top 50 greatest days of my life. It was the Edinburgh Fringe 2022 and the sun was shining and Covid was over, sort of, and I was feeling a foolish optimism about my prospects. That day, I had gone with my friends Liam and Hannah to the Summer Hall to watch a lunchtime show of Hayley McGee's Ages Feeling, a theatre piece so moving I've spent most of the last three years ripping it off.

• 1:14:23Speaker 03

  Before the three of us day tripped to Portobello to swim in the sea and contaminate a Turkish bath. With our hearts full and our pores cleansed, we returned to the Pleasance, where I performed my well-written if abysmally titled stand-up show My Future My Cutter, which had a banana and a yoghurt on the poster specifically to appeal to fans of this podcast, and which I'm contractually obliged to say is still available to view on YouTube. I could have gone straight home happy after such a day, but what a thrill instead to receive a late call-up to Kismat Curry House to meet Amy Matthews and her delicately sauzled entourage. Kismat is the home of the iconic iron bruna, but I was not yet in my orange phase and had other fusions on my mind.

• 1:15:06Speaker 03

  Some of the finest pub podcasters and award sharers in the game watched with a mix of delight and impatience as I produced a bag of skips left over from my Portobello picnic and crushed them over my paneer, shouting, "Shall I be mother?", which broadly confused people because the Tim Key episode hadn't come out yet. It was a taste sensation for the ages and stands as a reminder to always take the path less travelled where possible. Popadums or bread? Why not prawn instead?