Ahir Shah

Edinburgh Comedy Award-winning stand-up and Netflix star Ahir Shah is this week’s guest diner. Sparkling bum gun, anyone? Ahir Shah is going to be touring across the UK with a brand new show, ‘Golden’, tickets on sale now at www.ahirshah.com https://www.ahirshah.com/ Follow Ahir on Instagram @ahirshah https://www.instagram.com/ahirshah Watch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast on Thu 12 Mar. Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcast https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast Follow Off Menu on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/offmenuofficial and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@offmenuofficial: @offmenuofficial. And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk https://www.offmenupodcast.co.uk/ for a list of restaurants recommended on the show. Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster. Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Artwork by Paul Gilbey https://www.instagram.com/pushgilbey/ (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  Welcome to 215 Maple Drive. We just put this property on the market.

• 0:06Speaker 01

  Love the crown molding.

• 0:08Speaker 00

  Oh, wait until you see the walk-in closets and the bathroom tile.

• 0:12Speaker 01

  Does it have Verizon FiOS? You know, 100% fiber internet.

• 0:16Speaker 00

  No FiOS, but it looks like it's got cable. Let's check out the kitchen.

• 0:19Speaker 01

  No FiOS? Yeah... no thank you.

• 0:22Speaker 00

  Don't you want to see the rest? Okay, bye-bye.

• 0:25Speaker 02

  Get Verizon FiOS, because when you're moving, it's 100% or nothing.

• 0:45Speaker 03

  Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the gin of conversation, adding the ice of humor, pouring in the tonic water of friendship, and adding a little slice of giggle-giggling lime.

• 0:59Speaker 04

  Listen, most people have just gone just the gin and the tonic and been lazy.

• 1:02Speaker 03

  You've got to have the lime.

• 1:03Speaker 04

  He included the lime and the ice, full respect.

• 1:06Speaker 03

  I ain't drinking a gin and tonic without ice and lime.

• 1:09Speaker 04

  That is a gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant.

• 1:12Speaker 03

  You know what I mean, Benito.

• 1:13Speaker 04

  And every single week, we invite in a guest.

• 1:15Speaker 03

  He'll probably feel like an alcoholic if you're just drinking.

• 1:17Speaker 04

  Start a main course, dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order. And this week, our guest is Aheer Shah.

• 1:25Speaker 03

  A wonderful comedian, the brilliant Aheer Shah.

• 1:28Speaker 04

  Yes, an award-winning comedian as well.

• 1:30Speaker 03

  Yes, he won the Edinburgh Comedy Awards, James.

• 1:33Speaker 04

  Yes, second time he was nominated, I believe.

• 1:35Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:36Speaker 04

  Yes, to and done.

• 1:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, he didn't like being...

• 1:39Speaker 04

  Oh, Benito's... he doesn't think it.

• 1:41Speaker 03

  Third, maybe.

• 1:42Speaker 04

  He doesn't think it. Third? No, still.

• 1:45Speaker 03

  Third. Three's enough, isn't it? I think if you're nominated three times.

• 1:47Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, some of us can only dream of the blessed relief of winning the third time.

• 1:54Speaker 03

  You're five, you're five and, five and out the running, right?

• 1:57Speaker 04

  Five and, five and presumably out the running and, uh, and never won.

• 2:02Speaker 03

  Is anyone, are you, are you the record?

• 2:03Speaker 04

  Yes. Yes, that's the record. No one's been nominated five times before. Three for our here. There you go.

• 2:09Speaker 03

  Yeah. So you won it on the fourth time?

• 2:12Speaker 04

  No.

• 2:12Speaker 03

  He won it on the third time?

• 2:13Speaker 04

  No, huh?

• 2:14Speaker 03

  He won it on the third.

• 2:15Speaker 04

  He won it on the third time, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:17Speaker 03

  And you did five and didn't win it?

• 2:18Speaker 04

  I did five and never won.

• 2:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:19Speaker 04

  Yeah. Which means, you know, at least.

• 2:21Speaker 03

  I mean, I know there's people sat at home going, well, how many times have you nominated, Ed? Well, none, but that became clear very early on. So.

• 2:28Speaker 04

  But loads of people.

• 2:29Speaker 03

  I just got to laugh at James every year.

• 2:30Speaker 04

  There's loads of brilliant comedians who've never been nominated.

• 2:33Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 2:33Speaker 04

  Um, you know, mine is the ultimate joke.

• 2:36Speaker 03

  Yes. How many times has Al Murray nominated?

• 2:39Speaker 04

  Uh, four and one on the fourth time.

• 2:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's good. That's really good. That would have been brilliant for you.

• 2:44Speaker 04

  Also exciting news, our here's show that won the award, Ends, is available to stream on Netflix now.

• 2:50Speaker 03

  Very exciting. Yes. You can, you can, you can get it on Netflix.

• 2:54Speaker 04

  If he mentions a secret ingredient, an ingredient which we would take to be acceptable, we will kick him out of the dream restaurant. And this week, our secret ingredient is burnt ends.

• 3:02Speaker 03

  Because of ends.

• 3:03Speaker 04

  I'm sorry. I came up with this. I'm really proud of it.

• 3:05Speaker 03

  Very clever.

• 3:06Speaker 04

  Um, Ed's told me how clever it is a number of times.

• 3:09Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 3:09Speaker 04

  Um, so that feels good.

• 3:11Speaker 03

  I love burnt ends.

• 3:13Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah. Delicious at the barbecue.

• 3:15Speaker 03

  Yes. It's the brisket. It's the ends of the brisket.

• 3:18Speaker 04

  The end of the brisket. They've got a, did they, I mean, is it just what happens anyway to the, or do they?

• 3:23Speaker 03

  I think so. And then, no, I think, I think they might scorch some extra after, put them in sauce and do all of that. Yeah, yeah.

• 3:31Speaker 03

  Like meat butter, man.

• 3:32Speaker 04

  Meat butter, yeah.

• 3:34Speaker 03

  Melting the mouth, baby.

• 3:35Speaker 04

  Meat butter is like, that's an Ed Gamble show title.

• 3:38Speaker 03

  Meat butter.

• 3:39Speaker 04

  Yeah. You go out and do a tour show called Meat Butter.

• 3:42Speaker 03

  Or a travel show called Ed Gamble Meats Butter.

• 3:44Speaker 04

  Where you go look into the dairy industry, dairy farming?

• 3:48Speaker 03

  Just go and check it. Yeah. But not in like a, ooh, isn't the dairy industry bad?

• 3:52Speaker 04

  No, what, what, who needs that?

• 3:53Speaker 03

  Like as in.

• 3:54Speaker 04

  Who needs that right now?

• 3:55Speaker 03

  A lovely rosy-cheeked farmer.

• 3:57Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 3:57Speaker 03

  Try some butter with a spoon. And that's that. That's that. And then we're on to the next week.

• 4:01Speaker 04

  A rosy-cheeked farmer?

• 4:03Speaker 03

  Yeah. Hmm, maybe a buxom milkmaid.

• 4:08Speaker 04

  Oh dear, oh dear listeners. It's, it's very quickly turned his butter travel show into looking at boobies. That's a huge shame.

• 4:18Speaker 03

  Well, I, I don't think the dairy industry would be where, where it is today without boobies, James.

• 4:23Speaker 04

  Unarguable. This is the off-menu menu of Aisha.

• 4:37Speaker 04

  Welcome, Aisha, to the dream restaurant.

• 4:39Speaker 05

  Hello.

• 4:41Speaker 04

  Welcome, Aisha, to the dream restaurant, but it's been for some time.

• 4:44Speaker 05

  Yeah, do you know what? Um, no one can ever prepare you for what that's gonna feel like.

• 4:49Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 4:51Speaker 04

  Felt good? How did it feel?

• 4:52Speaker 05

  Yeah, it felt really, quite overwhelming, actually. I mean, like, you know, with this, coming here to the dream restaurant, doing this, I mean, obviously, I've known the pair of you for more than 15 years, probably, uh, now. And, you know, this podcast starts a long time ago, and I'm thinking, it's gonna be my time, it's gonna be my time. Podcast takes off in a way that, let's be fair, my career didn't.

• 5:13Speaker 05

  And all of a sudden, I'm refreshing my feed, and it's like, oh, they've got fucking Buzz Aldrin on this week. Not gonna be able to compete with that.

• 5:19Speaker 03

  We should get Buzz Aldrin on it.

• 5:21Speaker 04

  Buzz Aldrin?

• 5:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 5:23Speaker 05

  Guy talking about his goddamn space snacks.

• 5:25Speaker 04

  Man, we haven't had space snacks on the pod.

• 5:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 5:28Speaker 05

  Would you, would you? Until today.

• 5:30Speaker 04

  Would you try some space snacks if you?

• 5:31Speaker 05

  I feel like I'd give some space snacks a go.

• 5:33Speaker 04

  Yeah. Yeah. Is it all powdered stuff you add water to?

• 5:36Speaker 03

  No, I don't think so. I think it's dried stuff. I don't think you have to add water to it, because that'd be a nightmare in zero G, wouldn't it?

• 5:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, as soon as I said it, I thought.

• 5:44Speaker 03

  Trying to pour the water into it, the water's going up.

• 5:46Speaker 04

  Yeah, how you doing that?

• 5:47Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's, and this is one of those things that really makes you think, and that's why I won't go to space.

• 5:54Speaker 05

  Not any of the other.

• 5:56Speaker 03

  It's been offered to you multiple times, hasn't it? It was part of the Edinburgh Comedy Awards.

• 6:00Speaker 05

  Part of the Edinburgh Comedy Award, Buzz got on the blower to me. It was like, dude, I heard you, I heard you hang out with Adam James pretty soon, uh, afterwards. Do you want me to come pick you up in the, uh, spacecraft? That's what he calls it.

• 6:15Speaker 03

  That's what happens, we come on the spacecraft. Bridget Christie had a great time. All of the winners went up to space with Buzz Aldrin.

• 6:22Speaker 04

  Every time I was on the launch pad.

• 6:25Speaker 04

  Five times in a row.

• 6:27Speaker 05

  Just there yelling, God.

• 6:31Speaker 04

  I always think of, yeah.

• 6:32Speaker 03

  God in the spacecraft, be like, finally, somewhere she can't get.

• 6:39Speaker 04

  Another little spacecraft following him.

• 6:43Speaker 05

  My aunt's just taking the gift of, this is the one thing we didn't want to happen.

• 6:49Speaker 03

  He turns around and she's sat there, oh no.

• 6:54Speaker 05

  Are you a foodie out here?

• 6:57Speaker 04

  You much of a foodie, Ray?

• 6:58Speaker 05

  Yes, I am. I didn't used to be, but sort of it transformed over a couple of things. So firstly, the first time of many times that I quit smoking. Because you're like, well, I need something to do with my face and I need something to do with my hands. The entire time. So I just started cooking like five, six meals a day. And so that was the first time that I properly got into like cooking and everything, just because it's like, if I'm chopping onions, I'm not thinking about the fact that I wish I was smoking 20 cigarettes right now. And God, what a thing to remind yourself that it doesn't matter how much time there's been. Even me saying this is being like, yeah, but that sounds great.

• 7:34Speaker 04

  Yeah, that sounds good.

• 7:35Speaker 05

  I would love to be smoking 20 cigarettes.

• 7:38Speaker 04

  You both like love cigarettes, don't you?

• 7:40Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 7:41Speaker 05

  And that's why we got to have them.

• 7:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:43Speaker 04

  Yeah. There's a photo, famous photo of Ed back in uni where he's got, how many cigarettes in your mouth at once?

• 7:47Speaker 03

  Five.

• 7:48Speaker 04

  Five.

• 7:48Speaker 05

  Like the file photo of Homer Simpson.

• 7:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Five, five cigarettes in my mouth.

• 7:53Speaker 04

  He's loving it and he's flipping the bird to the camera, I think, as well.

• 7:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's me at my truest form, I think. Yeah. And I got really long hair that's all bunching up around the back like a big curly mullet.

• 8:03Speaker 04

  Disgusting as hell.

• 8:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's gross.

• 8:04Speaker 05

  I remember you in those days.

• 8:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. You remember me, my big, big mullet, five, six days.

• 8:11Speaker 05

  Swearing at everyone constantly. Not the nice cheeky boy that you think of now.

• 8:15Speaker 03

  No, exactly. No, I was a legend back then.

• 8:17Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 8:18Speaker 04

  So that was when you got into food, was it? Where you quit smoking?

• 8:20Speaker 05

  So started cooking loads as a result and then more. So for quite a while I lived quite near Borough Market, see lots of sort of very, very swish stalls there. There was very nice restaurants and so occasionally, you know, a couple of. Yeah, every now and then you'd be like, oh, do you know what? I'm gonna treat myself to some fancy veg. What the hell is that? That squash looks like it's alien. I'm gonna get that. How does that work? Uh, and so, yeah, like being able to, uh, sort of live near somewhere like that and do stuff like that.

• 8:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:52Speaker 05

  That sort of.

• 8:53Speaker 03

  Was there any, were there any dishes that you discovered that you could make then that you still return to now?

• 8:59Speaker 05

  Well, I think that everything that I really wanted to get good at, and I'm nowhere near as good at, was all of the food that I grew up eating. Uh, which was, so I'm vegetarian and this is all like Gujarati vegetarian food. And I, I love the fact that sort of every sort of individual like dining culture from around the world has basically come up with whatever sort of dietary restrictions there might be or requirements. It's like you're still getting a balanced meal all on the same plate.

• 9:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:25Speaker 05

  Because through thousands of years of trial and error, people have ended up in this situation. I'm like, wow, I wanna be able to do that, you know, and not feel that. I'm going to a restaurant and, yeah, everyone around me is having, uh, steak and then, you know, what's it? We have the portobello mushroom period, a dark time, uh, for the community.

• 9:45Speaker 03

  But he's shaking his head. He's making Benito's language.

• 9:48Speaker 05

  It's got replaced, uh, but I thought that we were through the beetroot period. We seem to be re-entering the beetroot period. And the problem is, is that if you go somewhere and eat a lot of beetroot and the following day you forget that you have eaten lots of beetroot.

• 10:04Speaker 03

  Set an alarm.

• 10:05Speaker 05

  You wake up and you go to the loo and you're like, well, I guess I need to text my family.

• 10:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:13Speaker 05

  That this is it.

• 10:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, we, we've mentioned this before on the podcast. I, I, I am in favor of setting an alarm for eight hours time that just says you've had beetroot.

• 10:23Speaker 03

  Cause you need, you need that. Cause when you, you go toilet and then the alarm goes off, you're like, thank God for that. But honestly, yeah, that's a scary moment.

• 10:31Speaker 04

  I checked on a friend once. A friend, a friend of mine, a friend of mine had beetroot. Used the toilet.

• 10:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:38Speaker 04

  I went in after him. I was like.

• 10:40Speaker 03

  Didn't flush?

• 10:40Speaker 04

  Well, there was, I think he'd flushed, but there was still.

• 10:43Speaker 03

  Remnants.

• 10:44Speaker 04

  It's red.

• 10:44Speaker 05

  So it's like Ribena.

• 10:46Speaker 04

  Yeah. Oh, my God.

• 10:51Speaker 04

  I, I always said to him, dude, are you? Are you okay? And he went, ah, beetroot.

• 11:00Speaker 05

  So that was the stuff and I'm sort of nowhere near as good at making any of that stuff as the sort of people who made it for me when I was growing up. And I remember when I was trying to learn this conversation with my mum, where it's like, I've been doing this for a while now, and it's just like, I just feel like I'm not getting the same sort of results. Like, is there anything? And she's just like, oh, here, it's just a matter of time. In about five, and this is after a couple of months, I'm thinking she's gonna say five months, just after about five years, you'll be able to, who's got time for this?

• 11:31Speaker 03

  Same thing every day for five years, and it will eventually taste nice.

• 11:35Speaker 05

  Yeah. And I'm operating on a comparatively easy mode in doing all of this. So, I'm a story of when my maternal grandmother, the day after she got married, and she's, this is 1955, it's an arranged marriage in India, she finds herself in this like new family's house, and everything, everyone's out for the day, and she's like 19 years old, making dough for the rudleys, the chapatis for later that evening, and monkey leapt in through the window and stole the dough and ran off with the dough.

• 12:06Speaker 04

  So up her street.

• 12:07Speaker 05

  So she's just there.

• 12:09Speaker 04

  You're gonna have to slow the story down now, because it's too much for him, that a monkey jumped through the window and stole the dough.

• 12:17Speaker 03

  Is your grandmother like nervous because she's in a new house?

• 12:20Speaker 05

  That's basically a child.

• 12:21Speaker 03

  I've gotta, I've gotta make this dough, I gotta make it perfect for my new family.

• 12:25Speaker 05

  Wow!

• 12:26Speaker 03

  Monkey comes in, nicks it, fucks off really quickly, that is perfect.

• 12:30Speaker 05

  Yeah. And being taught this story, and I was just there being like, I'm like the worst wife ever, this goddamn monkey is taken away.

• 12:40Speaker 03

  Because wives should learn how to punch monkeys, as we all know.

• 12:45Speaker 05

  Exactly, exactly. But when you're that new to the game, you don't like, like yesterday was my first wedding anniversary.

• 12:52Speaker 03

  Happy anniversary.

• 12:54Speaker 05

  After, yeah, my wife punched three monkeys yesterday.

• 12:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 12:58Speaker 05

  No, no, one, give it a ladder box, trying to steal our dough.

• 13:05Speaker 04

  If the monkey knew that, when the monkey got back to its mates, think them, it was like, I stole this off the, she's about to get married, she's so nervous.

• 13:13Speaker 04

  Nineteen.

• 13:14Speaker 03

  The other monkeys are going, you stole the dough, man. You've got to wait until it's cooked.

• 13:18Speaker 04

  Yeah, you stupid monkey in the gang.

• 13:20Speaker 03

  Go back and steal a pan.

• 13:21Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 13:23Speaker 05

  Yeah, and there's actually now a very successful restaurant in that village, uh, run by the monkeys.

• 13:27Speaker 03

  Run by the monkeys, yeah, yeah.

• 13:29Speaker 04

  All of it stolen from new brides.

• 13:31Speaker 03

  I think there is, I think there is a monkey restaurant somewhere.

• 13:34Speaker 04

  Oh, the monkeys do make stuff.

• 13:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, there's a monkey restaurant in, in Japan, apparently, yeah.

• 13:38Speaker 04

  What?

• 13:38Speaker 03

  I'm not sure if they make the food, they bring you the food. Yeah.

• 13:42Speaker 04

  Hmm. Right. Pennants.

• 13:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:46Speaker 04

  For, for their thievery in the past.

• 13:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:49Speaker 05

  This is what, I, I hope that this is now what's happening in heaven to my grandmother.

• 13:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, every day she just sits down and monkeys bring her, bring her food.

• 13:59Speaker 05

  Yeah, exactly.

• 14:01Speaker 04

  All of it's raw, though. It's all raw.

• 14:02Speaker 03

  It's all raw, yeah, yeah. She's still got to cook it.

• 14:05Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, that's on account of her sins.

• 14:09Speaker 04

  The balance is out.

• 14:10Speaker 05

  She wasn't a perfect baby angel.

• 14:13Speaker 05

  Then it'd have been cooked food.

• 14:15Speaker 04

  Your show ends, it's hit Netflix, very exciting stuff. What can you tell people who haven't seen the show about the show?

• 14:22Speaker 05

  Yeah, so, uh, this is the stand-up show that I first did in twenty twenty-three, uh, and came out on Netflix September twenty twenty-four. And, yeah, this is a show that basically started when I was engaged, uh, and was just thinking about, I think, when you go through, like, big life shifts, uh, into a new role, you're naturally like, well, who are my examples to learn by, right? Uh, I was thinking, right, the longest marriage in my family that I can think of was the one between my mum's parents, uh, right, which started off with the dough being stolen by the monkey. That's not, that's not even mentioned in the show.

• 15:00Speaker 04

  That's not even mentioned in the show. Imagine that. Imagine having a monkey jumping through a window.

• 15:07Speaker 03

  That's the, that's the whole show, if, if I'm writing it.

• 15:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 15:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, of course it is.

• 15:11Speaker 03

  I'm dressed as a monkey on the poster.

• 15:15Speaker 05

  Like an underground won't let that happen. Yeah, they make you dress like a cucumber instead. Yeah, there he is, a cucumber again. This guy loves cucumbers.

• 15:22Speaker 03

  We can't advertise carbohydrates on the tube. Give the monkeys some cucumbers.

• 15:27Speaker 05

  Monkey's holding the dog, gotta change that.

• 15:30Speaker 05

  Yeah, so it started just thinking about them and their lives really. Uh, and particularly given that that was a generation whose, they were very small in number. Uh, the stories weren't really told and were kept to themselves, even within families. It was often very, very difficult to find out the sort of reality of what happened, like drill down into their experiences and their younger lives. Yeah, but I think like it sort of all came from trying to appreciate these people from a previous generation as like the young people when they were my age, right? Rather than just like this image that you have of them as, well, that's the oldest man and oldest woman in the world. Uh, but obviously you weren't always. Yeah, yeah.

• 16:12Speaker 05

  To try and, yeah, to try and get some sense of connection between these generations and what it shows for what's changed in this country and in the world, uh, over time. Nice. I tried to, uh, connect to my granddad, um, towards the end of his life, probably in his eighties or something. And I, and I went, went to visit him for the day and I was, well, I'm, I'm going to talk to him about, you know, just his life and discover, you know, learn things that I don't know about him. And, uh, like getting blood out of a stone. And, uh, at one point I was like, what was like the most, you know, like, what was like the best, if you look back at your life, what was like the best bit, like the best era of your life? And you thought for a bit and you went, I went on a nice bike ride once.

• 17:27Speaker 04

  Okay, and that was it. Okay, I guess so. Then I went back and said to my dad and I was like, he said he wanted a nice bike ride and that's it. And my dad was like, yeah, he cycled to France and went all over France and back again and all over the Alps. I was like, well, why didn't he fucking tell me that? Just tell me you went on a nice bike ride.

• 17:46Speaker 03

  You should have delved more into the bike ride. Tell me more about this bike. He's not just gonna give it up for you, man.

• 17:51Speaker 04

  And then follow up questions, yeah.

• 17:53Speaker 05

  Yeah, I would love for him then to have been like, no, if I'd meant that bike ride, I'd have said that bike ride. What I mean is that I cycled to Tesco one time and it was just particularly nice.

• 18:06Speaker 04

  The weather was perfect.

• 18:07Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 18:07Speaker 03

  I could never, my, my grand and my dad's dad just used to make shit up, so. Yeah, he used to claim he was the Northern Ireland junior champion for washing up. And I believed that until I was like fifteen. Yeah. And he said he shared his sandwiches with Richard Attenborough on the way back from the war and I don't know if that's true.

• 18:25Speaker 04

  You don't know?

• 18:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, and he said he had, he had a friend called Hooky who could, uh, who could fly, he was in the flying planes for the Navy and he could recognise where he was in Britain from the roofs of the pubs.

• 18:37Speaker 03

  And then Hooky died in a Ken Dodd gig.

• 18:40Speaker 04

  That's pretty long, those kids.

• 18:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:43Speaker 05

  That's the only part of that I can completely relate to.

• 18:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, the roofs of the pubs thing blew my mind though.

• 18:49Speaker 04

  Of course it did.

• 18:50Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 18:51Speaker 03

  Do you think he could do that?

• 18:52Speaker 05

  Uh, no, I think that that's why it blew your mind. It's like, that's basically you just going, God, that's unbelievable.

• 18:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, probably not true, yeah.

• 19:02Speaker 04

  I mean, we really should get into your menu really, but like, um, that just reminded me that uh, the other day, it's like a friend of mine, their kid, I think they're about twelve, but has gone through a stage absolutely obsessed with if they could get on the roof of any building. So like, wa- walking through London with them, and this kid just kept on seeing a building with like, do you reckon I could get on the roof of that building? And I'll be like, I don't think so. But I bet I could. And then he'd kind of make up the interior of the building in his head to allow him to get onto the top of the, on the roof. And then as soon as he got on the roof in his imagination, he would panic genuinely. So he couldn't get down again. And he would be like, how the hell am I gonna get off this roof? And I was like, mate, you're not on the roof. You're just thinking about, could you get on the roof of that building? Cause you're obsessed with getting on the roofs of buildings at the minute. He was like, but how am I even gonna?

• 19:47Speaker 05

  Get down from here. Really reminds me of, you ever watch those videos where an octopus gets stuck in a jar, but then gets itself out of a jar? And it can somehow get itself out of a jar? Uh, and my wife got incredibly concerned that if she were trapped in a very large jar, she doesn't have the same sort of like appendages as an octopus.

• 20:05Speaker 03

  She doesn't like suckers and stuff, yeah.

• 20:07Speaker 05

  From the jar. And then it became a real question of like, what would I be willing to do?

• 20:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:13Speaker 05

  In order to get her out of the jar?

• 20:15Speaker 03

  Out of the jar?

• 20:16Speaker 05

  Yeah, uh, no, no, no, but.

• 20:18Speaker 03

  It's so big.

• 20:19Speaker 05

  The, the, um, the jar cannot just be opened. It's that I would have to be willing to put myself through certain trials, uh, in order to.

• 20:27Speaker 03

  Oh, that she's invented?

• 20:28Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 20:28Speaker 03

  Yes, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not just opening a jar.

• 20:31Speaker 05

  No, no, no. What would you be willing to go through to free me from a jar that does not exist?

• 20:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 20:36Speaker 04

  Uh, but what was it? What, what, what was the most you were willing?

• 20:39Speaker 03

  At any point, did you draw the line and go, no, I'm just leaving you in the jar?

• 20:43Speaker 04

  You stayed in the jar at that point.

• 20:46Speaker 05

  Yeah, that was, um, that was not taken to be within the spirit of the game.

• 20:49Speaker 03

  Right, yeah, yeah.

• 20:50Speaker 05

  Which, and fair enough.

• 20:51Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, fair enough. You're never gonna have to do it. So you may as well say, yeah, I'd do that.

• 20:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. You know, you know, deep down, there's some things you wouldn't do to let your wife out of a jar.

• 20:59Speaker 04

  Yeah, like, I'm not doing that.

• 21:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, obviously.

• 21:02Speaker 05

  Like a certain list of demands are given, it's just like, yeah, just poke some holes in the top for her, yeah, you'll be fine.

• 21:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, pop you on the shelf. Hope a monkey doesn't come and skip.

• 21:11Speaker 04

  Gets in the hole.

• 21:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:16Speaker 04

  Still a sparkling water?

• 21:18Speaker 05

  Uh, I'm gonna go with sparkling water, but I've heard a bad thing about sparkling water.

• 21:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, go on.

• 21:25Speaker 05

  So, a friend of mine had to go to the dentist recently. And they were like, you have no enamel left on your teeth.

• 21:34Speaker 03

  Wow, what?

• 21:35Speaker 05

  Uh, or whatever, it's, it's all worn down.

• 21:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:38Speaker 05

  What have you been doing? And it's because he only drinks sparkling water.

• 21:43Speaker 03

  Only?

• 21:43Speaker 05

  He drinks like, yeah, exclusively sparkling. Well, I don't know if that's what he's brushing his teeth with, or whatever.

• 21:49Speaker 03

  But that's surely not advised by any dentist. You know how, you know, it's like eight out of 10 dentists recommend this toothpaste? You always think about the two don't. Are they the two are like, brush your teeth with sparkling water?

• 21:59Speaker 04

  Yeah, who gives a shit?

• 22:02Speaker 05

  And that's who he'd been seeing previously.

• 22:04Speaker 03

  He'd been seeing one of the two.

• 22:05Speaker 05

  Yeah, but so I I had no idea, because you're just like, that's just water with some bubbles in it.

• 22:10Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 22:10Speaker 05

  How could that be? That's gonna, if anything, it might not be. It might be better for you than regular water.

• 22:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, fancy.

• 22:16Speaker 05

  Yeah, exactly.

• 22:17Speaker 03

  But I do think drinking it more than still water does feel inherently like a bad idea.

• 22:23Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 22:23Speaker 03

  Because it is still fizzy.

• 22:25Speaker 04

  I don't see how you do it. Anyway, e- e- even like beyond that.

• 22:29Speaker 03

  He might have it coming out as taps. You can get the taps.

• 22:31Speaker 04

  Does Fend have it coming out?

• 22:32Speaker 05

  He has it coming out.

• 22:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:33Speaker 04

  There you go.

• 22:34Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah. He's the first person I'd ever seen who had it coming out of a tap.

• 22:39Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 22:39Speaker 05

  And I was like, you know, like in the like in the 16th century, when everyone would like marvel at the king because he had gout. And it's like, well, how how rich do you have to be in order to have this like terrible condition? I don't think. I was like, got no teeth left because sparkling water comes out of my tap.

• 22:59Speaker 05

  And then he's just putting on like six fur coats.

• 23:01Speaker 03

  He's smiled at his teeth are worn down to little nubs.

• 23:04Speaker 05

  That is the fanciest guy in the world.

• 23:06Speaker 04

  That must be loaded. He might be brushing his teeth with it then, yeah. This guy.

• 23:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, you could if it's coming out of the tap.

• 23:12Speaker 04

  Showering.

• 23:13Speaker 05

  Showering.

• 23:14Speaker 04

  Yeah, loving it.

• 23:16Speaker 05

  They even fill it just like tiny bullets.

• 23:21Speaker 05

  Fuck.

• 23:22Speaker 03

  Bolling his pasta in it and stuff. Yeah.

• 23:25Speaker 04

  You can't even tell when it's come to the boil.

• 23:28Speaker 03

  Yeah. I would do that, actually. For a week, I'd do everything with sparkling water, I think.

• 23:33Speaker 04

  You're trying to do that?

• 23:34Speaker 03

  What? And I'd just walk around the house going, I'm living a sparkling life.

• 23:37Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, a little sparkling life.

• 23:39Speaker 05

  You got like, like, um, you know, like a bum gun?

• 23:43Speaker 03

  A bum gun?

• 23:43Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 23:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 23:44Speaker 05

  Have you had that next to the lip?

• 23:45Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 23:46Speaker 05

  Intriguing.

• 23:46Speaker 03

  Sparkling bum gun.

• 23:48Speaker 04

  I would love the sparkling bum gun.

• 23:50Speaker 05

  It's actually, it's actually my rap name.

• 23:51Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, it's gotta be. Sparkling bum gun.

• 23:55Speaker 03

  Sparkling bum gun. Imagine. I don't know if I'd like it or not.

• 23:58Speaker 04

  I would love it.

• 23:59Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 24:00Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah. I mean, the three of us, um, I'm talking about Benito as well, uh, have all been to Japan this year. And what a highlight that is.

• 24:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:08Speaker 04

  The, uh, the the toilets there.

• 24:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:11Speaker 04

  Absolutely loved them every single time.

• 24:13Speaker 05

  But do you think that they would have been aided by sparkling water?

• 24:16Speaker 03

  Sparkling water, I think so.

• 24:17Speaker 04

  If I was your rich friend with no teeth. I would I would get a Japanese toilet and fill it with sparkling water.

• 24:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 24:25Speaker 04

  And never leave the house.

• 24:28Speaker 04

  Never leave the toilet.

• 24:31Speaker 03

  I don't think they fill the toilets with water to shoot up your butt. I think they're connected to the water supply.

• 24:36Speaker 05

  What have you been doing?

• 24:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:39Speaker 04

  I just opened the system and

• 24:42Speaker 04

  put my butt in there.

• 24:45Speaker 04

  Slosh it around.

• 24:48Speaker 04

  Not supposed to do that?

• 24:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, scream Arigato at the top of your voice and and leave the restaurant with a soaking wet butt.

• 24:57Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 25:01Speaker 05

  This sparkling water you're having, are you gonna be able to get it out of your head that it's just drawing your teeth? Are you gonna be able to have this in a relaxed way? Well, I think that that's fine. Surely one of the things in a dream restaurant has to be like, there are no like, consequences of like, it's not like, oh, and the following morning after I came out of the dream restaurant, I had serious enamel issues.

• 25:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 25:24Speaker 04

  Sure, sure, sure.

• 25:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think so. And also, you're not drinking sparkling, you don't have it coming out your taps.

• 25:29Speaker 05

  Yeah, exactly. It's a special treat.

• 25:31Speaker 03

  It's a special treat. Having it as a special treat, you're not like, oh god, it's killing my teeth.

• 25:34Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 25:35Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 25:35Speaker 05

  It's like, there's all sorts of situations, like, I might be allergic to Genies, I don't know, I've not had one yet, but let's not add that into the fantasy of this situation, is like, we need to yes and this.

• 25:47Speaker 04

  Yes, oh, I'm yes and it, I'm just worried that you might be, you know, you might be drinking it thinking, oh, my teeth are fucked.

• 25:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:53Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 25:53Speaker 03

  But it's like, with most foods that are nice, you can't be thinking about, oh god, what's this doing to my insides? Because it's a nice treat, right?

• 26:01Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 26:01Speaker 05

  Exactly. It's like, if you, um, like, we were away for the weekend, uh, recently for our anniversary, and we had lots of very nice meals, uh, and there was a period at the end of it on the Sunday, where I feel a bit, ah, I've basically just eaten butter and salt

• 26:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 26:18Speaker 05

  for the last seventy two hours. That'll probably do it.

• 26:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's good that you felt that, because that proves that that's not what you're doing all of the time.

• 26:25Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 26:27Speaker 03

  If you were like, got to the end of that and you were like, well, just another day.

• 26:30Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 26:31Speaker 03

  That would be worrying, right?

• 26:32Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 26:32Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 26:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:35Speaker 05

  Pop it on a hair shower, pop it on some bread. Again, you think you're ready and you're not.

• 26:39Speaker 04

  You weren't ready for that. I'm trying consciously to time them better now. I used to do it, I used to do it to surprise people. And then I just got it, I just, I let the conversation naturally find an end and start doing it again. I was like, why aren't people jumping anymore?

• 26:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:54Speaker 04

  So I'm trying.

• 26:54Speaker 03

  Now is you let me trail off on a point.

• 26:59Speaker 03

  And every time I think, God, I said something really boring because James hasn't picked up, picked up the thread here. And then he does pop it on some bread and they're like, okay. Well, maybe I wasn't being that boring.

• 27:09Speaker 04

  No.

• 27:09Speaker 03

  James was just waiting to find a moment. So he wasn't really listening to what I was saying.

• 27:12Speaker 04

  I know what you're just saying before that, before I shout it, pop it on some bread. I have no idea. The point about the monkey again?

• 27:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was, oh, I was thinking about the monkey, sure.

• 27:21Speaker 05

  I like that this is, it's almost like, um, James is respawning when he yells pop it on some bread. Like, everything before is gone.

• 27:28Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 27:29Speaker 03

  He's a new genie now.

• 27:30Speaker 05

  Yeah, new genie, full HP.

• 27:33Speaker 03

  I was thinking about the monkey drinking directly from the sparkling water tap.

• 27:37Speaker 03

  Be like, what the fuck?

• 27:38Speaker 04

  I love it. Every time I pressure the monkey.

• 27:40Speaker 05

  It's the newer, we're all in the gutter, but some of us are monkeys drinking the sparkling water tap.

• 27:46Speaker 03

  The old quote, the old classic.

• 27:48Speaker 05

  Drink from the tap you want.

• 27:52Speaker 04

  Do you have a preference?

• 27:53Speaker 05

  Uh, as in out of pop or bread?

• 27:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 27:56Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 27:56Speaker 04

  Yeah, pop, I'm sorry. Cindy V picked me up on that.

• 28:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, she always picks us up on that, but we've never changed it.

• 28:04Speaker 04

  Well, it's good, luckily for her, Nishkumar's mother then disagreed with her and I was like, well, I'm doing my penis.

• 28:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 28:11Speaker 04

  Bad luck.

• 28:12Speaker 03

  Been as the boss.

• 28:15Speaker 05

  Yes. Yeah, so I'm gonna go with, uh, bar bread, uh, but I'm gonna go with, and I think that this is probably a thing that we'll get into, uh, heaps over this, which is that basically until I was, pretty much like until I was at university, I'd never tried what in most of the UK is thought of as like an Indian restaurant.

• 28:39Speaker 03

  Right.

• 28:39Speaker 05

  Indian food.

• 28:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:40Speaker 05

  Uh, right, because that's A, what we were eating at home. We pretty much never went to restaurants when I was growing up. Anyway, on the few instances that we did, sometimes we would go to what I considered to be Indian restaurants, but because I grew up in like, I grew up in Wembley, North West London, and my grandmother and grandfather were in Alpertown. And there's this long Ealing Road and Wembley Howard, there's lots of those, there's big sort of particularly Gujarati community there, particularly at the time. Right, so we would go to, you know, restaurants that I would consider Indian restaurants, but it's because it was sort of regional Gujarati.

• 29:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:19Speaker 05

  Uh, stuff, right? Uh, and so it would be identifiable therefore.

• 29:23Speaker 03

  To be more like the stuff that you were having.

• 29:25Speaker 05

  Exactly. And so when I started going to places and they were like, do you want papadoms? And it's this like stack of deep fried things. I was just like, well, like it's very delicious, but what is this?

• 29:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 29:38Speaker 05

  Right? Because I was used to sort of uh, stuff that was roasted over a fire, which is really lovely. And that's what I would rather

• 29:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:45Speaker 05

  Uh, have. But it's, yeah, it's just this interesting thing of, and I think that it's because when sort of Indian restaurants started becoming a major thing uh, in the UK, lots of the people who were founding these restaurants were uh, from Silet in Bangladesh, or what is now Bangladesh at the time, uh, but it's still been East Pakistan. And I gather that historically, it was just these families being like, well, let's just, people know the word Indian more.

• 30:13Speaker 03

  Right. Yeah, yeah.

• 30:14Speaker 05

  So we'll put that name like on it. And these became what were understood in the popular consciousness as Indian restaurants. Uh, and so when I was, I was like, oh, cool. We're all going to an Indian restaurant. And then it was incredibly different from everything. But it sort of strikes me as being similar to, you know, if someone were to go to a, like a Spanish person going to a European restaurant and suddenly being served Swedish food.

• 30:39Speaker 03

  Right.

• 30:40Speaker 05

  Or whatever. Like technically, uh, it's like, well, it's the same continent, man. It's like, well, yeah.

• 30:46Speaker 03

  It's wildly different. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's interesting. But yeah, because I think British Indian food to me is like Indian restaurants in Britain are so specific. Like the taste of everything and it's so nostalgic, I think for us just to like sit down and eat a curry.

• 31:02Speaker 04

  I love like obviously.

• 31:04Speaker 03

  In an almost deserted restaurant, that's what it is to be.

• 31:07Speaker 05

  But it's like a, it's like if you've ever had, so because these things very naturally will then go towards the sort of palate of the country and the customers that uh they're in. And like, have you ever had like Pizza Hut or McDonald's in like, I don't know, like somewhere in Asia? Uh right, like something that you really associate with being a western thing.

• 31:30Speaker 03

  I've had, I've had McDonald's in Japan once, which is great. They do a prawn burger. I've had McDonald's in Bahrain Airport. Love that, a chicken pita. That was good.

• 31:41Speaker 04

  I'm enjoying this segment of the, of the show. Where has Ed had McDonald's in the world?

• 31:45Speaker 03

  Hmm. I think that might be it, you know, cause then I, I, then I think I was like, what, what am I doing?

• 31:51Speaker 03

  Why, why am I doing this?

• 31:53Speaker 05

  But like, on, on the one hand, yeah, I don't want to be, it's, it's really, really great to experience as many different things uh as you want and like, you know, like I recently for the first time I went to like a Georgian restaurant, right? I'd never had that before. I don't know if that's quote unquote, if there are Georgian food snobs who would turn their nose up to the specific, but it was great and I had a wonderful experience and I'd never tried that uh stuff before. Lovely. Uh right. So definitely want to encourage people to do as much of that stuff uh as possible. But I guess the point is it becomes kind of like, because it's just that bit removed from what you're used to. Uh if you're growing up with it being done in a very particular style, it's sort of like when, when I've had like pizza in India and just being like,

• 32:38Speaker 05

  oh, this just feels a bit different, you know, slightly like uncanny valley uh situation.

• 32:43Speaker 03

  It's interesting though, isn't it? The way that, yeah, different, different nations will tw- twist certain classic things and then that becomes what they're used to. And if they went to Italy and had pizza, they'd be like, nothing like that.

• 32:54Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 32:56Speaker 04

  This isn't pizza, mate.

• 32:57Speaker 05

  Yeah. Uh well, uh there's a Indian stand-up uh Kanan Gill, he's got a really good bit about this of going to Italy and having pizza and just being like, where are the chilies? Where's the money? And of course, of course.

• 33:12Speaker 04

  So you would like the puffer that you grew up eating that was roasted over a fire?

• 33:17Speaker 05

  Roasted over a fire and I would like uh some of it raw as well. I would like to be able to eat as much of it raw.

• 33:23Speaker 04

  You know who you're tempting?

• 33:24Speaker 05

  Uh who am I tempting?

• 33:25Speaker 04

  You that monkey's gonna come in and he's still.

• 33:28Speaker 04

  If you've got if you've got a raw, you're knocking about.

• 33:30Speaker 05

  No, and do you know what?

• 33:32Speaker 04

  The window.

• 33:32Speaker 05

  I wa- no, no, no. The windows are open. I'm just brave.

• 33:39Speaker 05

  Eating a lot of the raw because you get like, you know, it's like uh all of the stuff that you get told by your parents when you're a kid. Of like, oh, then the tree will grow in your belly and like all of this uh sort of thing. Alright, but you know when they try and pull that shit on you when you're in your thirties? Whatever. I'm just there like snacking on some lovely raw thing and my mother is insisting that in some sort of spurious way, this is bad for me. I I don't believe you at all.

• 34:04Speaker 04

  I've lasted a long time.

• 34:05Speaker 05

  I've lasted a long time. I was eating this raw all the time and I was sneaking in.

• 34:12Speaker 05

  I'm doing this constantly. Literally, if it were a death sentence, I'd be dead already, so.

• 34:17Speaker 04

  So ratio of raw stuff to uh the roasted stuff, what what what are you having for your dream meal? Are you having like more raw than the roasted?

• 34:25Speaker 03

  Is it raw while you wait?

• 34:26Speaker 05

  Yeah, so like have one that I'm not.

• 34:28Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 34:28Speaker 05

  Like one's one's on the fire while I'm having a raw.

• 34:30Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, nice. I like that. So it's about fifty fifty?

• 34:33Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 34:34Speaker 04

  Yeah, you're constantly go doing that.

• 34:36Speaker 03

  Or do you want a a fifty fifty one, where half of it's been roasted in the fire and half's left raw?

• 34:42Speaker 05

  Oh, that's actually a really good idea.

• 34:43Speaker 04

  And then you could be breaking different bits off, putting them together to see what it's like together.

• 34:47Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 34:48Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:48Speaker 05

  I like that idea a lot.

• 34:50Speaker 03

  Today's episode of the Off Menu Podcast is sponsored by Cozy, the home of possibilities, James.

• 34:57Speaker 04

  Oh man, Ed, Cozy has everything you need to make your home feel like it has a plan. Do you know what I mean?

• 35:02Speaker 03

  I know what you mean. Cozy is a wonderful furniture company. It makes furnishing your whole home easy. Sofas, dining, storage, rugs, bedroom, even outdoor, all designed to make your space feel put together without the usual furniture stress. And James, we talk about dream meals on this podcast, but you know what? We very rarely talk about where we want to eat this dream meal.

• 35:22Speaker 04

  Sure, yeah, I like it when it does come up. It is very important. It changes the whole meal, the setting, the vibe. And Cozy's modular customisable furniture for the whole home does just that.

• 35:32Speaker 03

  And the meal, James, doesn't necessarily end at dessert. We've often talked about wanting to take our maybe final course through to a comfy room. And I think this is where Cozy can really come in handy. Go and relax on the sofa, maybe even eat your meal at a lovely, beautiful Cozy table, linger a little bit, move through with coffees and dessert to a lovely couch. But I know what you're like, James, you're a mucky pup.

• 35:54Speaker 04

  I'm gonna spill stuff everywhere. Is that gonna ruin the Cozy furniture?

• 35:58Speaker 03

  No, don't worry about that, James, because it's highly washable, James. It's sauce, wine, sparkling water, dessert crumbs. You telling one of your big stories and sloshing a coffee everywhere. Don't worry, you can pop it in the wash.

• 36:09Speaker 04

  Oh, so you're saying Cozy makes every day at home feel like my best day?

• 36:13Speaker 03

  Absolutely, that's exactly what I'm saying. And with Cozy, your home can grow with you, adapting to new spaces, new styles and every era of your life, James. I think it's so hard, especially when you move somewhere new, to immediately make that place feel like yours, that it's been put together well. And that's where Cozy comes in.

• 36:29Speaker 04

  And because it's Cozy, the furniture isn't just good looking, but actually practical. Modular pieces, easy assembly, washable and interchangeable covers and free design consultations if you want help making the whole room work.

• 36:41Speaker 03

  And it's easy to order, ship and assemble and maintain, James. The only way is the Cozy way.

• 36:47Speaker 04

  Visit Cozy today, that's C O Z E Y dot com and make yourself at home.

• 36:57Speaker 00

  Welcome to 215 Maple Drive. We just put this property on the market.

• 37:03Speaker 01

  Love the crown moulding.

• 37:05Speaker 00

  Oh, wait until you see the walk-in closets and the bathroom tile.

• 37:08Speaker 01

  Does it have Verizon FiOS? You know, 100% fibre internet.

• 37:12Speaker 00

  No FiOS, but it looks like it's got cable. Let's check out the kitchen.

• 37:16Speaker 01

  No FiOS? Yeah, no thank you.

• 37:19Speaker 00

  Don't you wanna see the rest? Okay, bye bye.

• 37:22Speaker 02

  Get Verizon FiOS because when you're moving, it's 100% or nothing.

• 37:31Speaker 04

  What was your dream starter?

• 37:33Speaker 05

  My dream starter, so I'm gonna go with banyburi, which I A, adore, B, you can basically have infinity banyburi.

• 37:42Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 37:42Speaker 05

  Um, the idea of banyburi now always makes me laugh because uh, so my wife's Irish and knows a few words of Gujarati uh, that she sort of uh, picked up over time and at one stage not realising that it sounded exactly like this, looked at me and said, uh, bani means water and buri means burri and it was exactly like mono means one and rail means rail.

• 38:08Speaker 05

  So I just don't imagine that, like was it Lal Langley? Who at the chalkboard convincing a town in order to con everyone by banyburi. Which was uh, very, for those um, who have not had uh, banyburi before, so it's like little uh, crisp sort of puffs of uh, dough. Again, you've protected it from the monkeys.

• 38:28Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can get that.

• 38:30Speaker 05

  Deep right there, they've been sort of puffed up almost into little spheres. Uh, once I, I don't know what magic they're able to do in order to make this happen, but one side of the sphere is sort of somehow thicker than the other and you can like poke the thinner one with your finger. You can put, you have some like boiled chickpeas in there, some potato in there, some uh, sort of mung beans you can have there, like all sorts of things. And then you top it off with uh, water that's like uh, got uh, coriander chili like uh, sort of spiced water.

• 38:57Speaker 04

  Yeah, we all know what your friend's doing.

• 38:59Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 39:00Speaker 04

  Sparkling water straight on banyburi.

• 39:02Speaker 05

  Oh my god, yeah, I've tried one sparkling, for sure.

• 39:05Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 39:06Speaker 05

  Sparkling banyburi, this is what's known as fusion cuisine.

• 39:09Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, that's what we're talking about. Sparkling banyburi, man.

• 39:15Speaker 05

  Yeah, uh, so I mean, you, you must both be, both be fans.

• 39:18Speaker 04

  Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Apart, apart from the one I had in Rome. In Rome? Yeah, in Roma. Well, this is another example of. Yeah, there you go, yeah, yeah, cause I hear, have you ever had one that um, the water is uh, mint flavoured?

• 39:31Speaker 05

  Not like solely mint, mint in it for sure.

• 39:33Speaker 04

  It was bad, it was like mouthwash.

• 39:35Speaker 05

  Just mint.

• 39:35Speaker 04

  Yeah, the whole meal was like the worst meal I've ever had. It was a real bad meal. Uh, I've spoken about on the podcast before.

• 39:41Speaker 05

  Bunny Boy with Listerine.

• 39:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, it was basically that. And, and then I had a cocktail that was made with the same thing that was definitely in the panny boy. So it's like, well, this guy's now done that.

• 39:49Speaker 05

  Creme de menthe.

• 39:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, it was, it was so gross. And, uh, I, I've spoken about on the podcast before, but he, he came up to me and I'd finished my main course and went, oh, you finished it? That's cool. So like, that was like, that was like, the guy, no one ever did that. Yeah. So that is the only time I've had it, but it's been bad. Everywhere else is always brilliant.

• 40:08Speaker 05

  Like, do you think that you were being pranked during this meal?

• 40:11Speaker 04

  I, I was starting to think, is it gonna be like something that this is like a fake, a fake restaurant?

• 40:16Speaker 03

  It's Michael McIntyre's big show.

• 40:17Speaker 04

  Yeah, Michael McIntyre's, cause they come out. Do you ever get those texts?

• 40:22Speaker 04

  When, when, when Michael McIntyre has a comedian on and does text to all, if you ever receive them?

• 40:26Speaker 05

  I've not received a Michael McIntyre text to all.

• 40:29Speaker 04

  I used to fall for them all the time.

• 40:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, James, James would fall for them the whole time.

• 40:32Speaker 04

  Every time I get a text.

• 40:33Speaker 03

  I fell for one from Tom Allen. I got it as well. And then James was like, oh man, I didn't want to put this on a text group. But Tom Allen's just sent me a really funny text. I went, man, that's Michael McIntyre's thing.

• 40:43Speaker 04

  Yeah, got me on it. But then I got wise to it. I, and like Catherine Ryan went on it. And I got a text from Catherine Ryan on WhatsApp that was like, hey, I'm, I'm doing a routine about you in my new show. I hope you don't mind. It's about how weird you were when we first met. Let me know if you'd like some money when I do it on Graham Norton's suit or something like that.

• 41:01Speaker 03

  To be fair, that is the only one that you should have believed.

• 41:03Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 41:07Speaker 04

  I saw that and I thought, oh, don't, I checked with these guys. And I was like, have you got this text? And they were like, yeah. I was like, right. I'm not falling for that again. So I replied, my wife has died.

• 41:24Speaker 03

  It didn't make the edit, I don't think.

• 41:25Speaker 04

  It didn't make the edit.

• 41:26Speaker 03

  You did one the other day. You responded with a picture of Michael McIntyre, didn't you?

• 41:29Speaker 04

  Yeah, Judy, Judy Love, we got one from Judy Love the other day saying, I'm going to get a Brazilian butt lift. Don't tell anyone.

• 41:36Speaker 04

  But they, they wanted, they wanted photos of butts that I thought looked nice. I've always thought you've got a peachy butt. Can you send me a photo of your butt? I went, yeah, one second. And they went, uh, it took a while, but I figured it came out really well. Here's my butt. Photo of Michael McIntyre.

• 41:52Speaker 05

  And you just, sorry, we're just looking for a photo, but like, what's a part that you really like? And you just respond with, uh, well, my favorite was always my wife's, but as you know, she's dead.

• 42:05Speaker 04

  Makes you rest in peace. Nice part. I should have kept it going, my wife was dead, actually. I regret that now.

• 42:13Speaker 05

  I just did the idea, and so you had, you had bad banyburi in Rome.

• 42:17Speaker 04

  Yeah, that was great.

• 42:18Speaker 05

  Yeah, I had some bad banyburi in Portugal, uh, in the, yeah. But I didn't want to believe, like, you want to believe, like, that, all right, just because, I mean, it's a vegetarian restaurant in Portugal and everyone's white, uh, looking at, I shouldn't be like, turning my nose up, oh, they've got banyburi on the menu, that's not gonna be any good.

• 42:41Speaker 04

  Sure, yeah, yeah.

• 42:42Speaker 05

  Is it? So, sure, I'm gonna get that, that's probably, it's gonna be really great. Good for you, Eduardo. Give it a go.

• 42:49Speaker 04

  Eduardo's easy ordering it, he's shitting himself in the kitchen. No, I think you're talking to Ed.

• 42:57Speaker 05

  Eduardo, Hamas, thank you.

• 43:00Speaker 05

  Eduardo and Hamas.

• 43:03Speaker 04

  Might as well change our names to that, yeah. Uh, it was bad, it was, it was the worst. Well, now, now you know, you should just go in with that, you should just go like, fuck that, that's gonna be shit. And like, just, just adopt that attitude.

• 43:14Speaker 05

  Yeah, that was, the best banyburi I've ever had is on Ealing Road, about a year ago. I was, uh, walking up to visit my grandma and there was a shop, you know, those shops which like, seem like they'd be so upsetting to, because they're blaring out the same thing on repeat out to the street. And it was just like blaring out an advert for their own banyburi. Onto the street.

• 43:38Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 43:39Speaker 05

  But equally, it was the first time I'd heard it, so I was like, well, I'm gonna get some of this.

• 43:43Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 43:44Speaker 05

  And then, as I was waiting, it's like, okay, this is maddening. And then, the second that I ate one, it's like, I'm staying here longer.

• 43:54Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 43:55Speaker 05

  And ordering more, and it's almost like, that, it then became almost meditative.

• 44:02Speaker 04

  Because you were connecting it with that taste, and yeah, yeah.

• 44:05Speaker 05

  Again and again, I was like the winter soldier.

• 44:06Speaker 04

  I think they've, they've, they've. Well, were you jet-lagged and love pranks?

• 44:14Speaker 03

  The idea of only doing one thing as a food vendor is very appealing to me. I think if someone does one thing, you're like, that's gotta be good.

• 44:21Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 44:22Speaker 03

  And if they're blaring an advert out for it over and over again, you're like, that's double gotta be good.

• 44:26Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 44:26Speaker 03

  Imagine if you'd got them and they were rubbish.

• 44:28Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 44:29Speaker 03

  You're like, guys, what are you doing?

• 44:31Speaker 05

  What would be your one thing?

• 44:33Speaker 03

  If I was.

• 44:33Speaker 05

  If you're a food vendor with one thing.

• 44:35Speaker 03

  Oh, that's good. Something, something simple, I think, because I can't, I don't trust myself to cook anything too fancy. And also you want something that's good on the go. This is, this is like that, that show about fairgrounds.

• 44:48Speaker 05

  Deep fried masters.

• 44:49Speaker 03

  Deep fried masters, yeah. You've got to get something that's good on the go.

• 44:52Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 44:53Speaker 03

  But there may be like a, just a really good cheese toastie or something. Is that boring?

• 44:56Speaker 05

  No, I think that's fine.

• 44:58Speaker 03

  I'm thinking about the scale as well.

• 44:59Speaker 05

  If, if it's like the best cheese toastie anyone's ever had, they're all gonna, everyone's gonna love it.

• 45:03Speaker 03

  I'm thinking about the margins.

• 45:08Speaker 05

  My brain made, I literally thought you said I'm thinking about the margarine.

• 45:14Speaker 03

  Using margarine.

• 45:15Speaker 05

  I was like, yeah, that's a bit of cheese toastie.

• 45:19Speaker 03

  Can you remember what this place was called?

• 45:20Speaker 05

  The, which, the place on Ealing Road.

• 45:22Speaker 03

  Cause everyone's gonna wanna know.

• 45:23Speaker 05

  It is Recky Pannybury, uh, is the, uh, top one. Which, yeah, which I now recall because I heard it 700 times.

• 45:34Speaker 03

  That is funny that you initially didn't recall it.

• 45:36Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 45:37Speaker 03

  I don't know what that place was called.

• 45:40Speaker 03

  Constantly. Yeah, they're building the entire Pannybury and then just giving you the tray of them. So they're putting in the water, you're not customizing it yourself or anything.

• 45:47Speaker 05

  They made, they made a little tray.

• 45:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're gonna have to go there.

• 45:51Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 45:52Speaker 03

  And you're doing them in one?

• 45:53Speaker 05

  I'm doing them in one, yeah.

• 45:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. It may, that's the sort of food that makes me think of you.

• 45:58Speaker 05

  Yeah, because of the hand gesture.

• 45:59Speaker 03

  In the hand gesture.

• 46:00Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 46:00Speaker 03

  James loves just throwing things in his mouth, one after another, walking down the street normally. So you can do that in Ealing.

• 46:07Speaker 05

  Yeah, I can. Yeah, I, I love this sort of thing though, like it's something that you don't really get in the UK. And I suppose like different cities and places have it in different ways. Like your slice of pizza in New York or the, is it Chiketti or Chichetti or however it's pronounced in Venice and everything where you've just got like, you get like a thing and put it in your mouth and then it's done.

• 46:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:28Speaker 05

  Yeah. But we don't really have that in London.

• 46:31Speaker 03

  No, I guess we don't. No, I'm trying to think of something. Sausage roll.

• 46:37Speaker 05

  Maybe, I guess that's.

• 46:38Speaker 03

  Keep all this and keep, keep it.

• 46:41Speaker 05

  And thinking about stuff you could eat and walk around.

• 46:44Speaker 03

  Sausage roll.

• 46:47Speaker 05

  Yeah, no, you're right.

• 46:48Speaker 03

  But that's not in and done, is it? That's a few bites, you know?

• 46:51Speaker 05

  There's the Colonel's popcorn chicken.

• 46:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, I wouldn't necessarily say that's a London thing.

• 46:58Speaker 04

  We've got it in London.

• 46:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, we do have it in London, yeah. We've got the paddy purry in London as well, but we're not saying that it's British food. Kentucky Fried Chicken, man. Sausage roll.

• 47:10Speaker 03

  That paddy purry sounds great. And that's the one you want from there.

• 47:13Speaker 04

  That's what you want for your dream meal.

• 47:15Speaker 03

  Do you want, as you eat it, do you want the advert blaring into the dream restaurant as well?

• 47:19Speaker 05

  Actually, that would be very nice.

• 47:23Speaker 05

  Yeah, for it to become like a meditative hum in the background. It's the, it's the, it's the oom of paddy purry.

• 47:30Speaker 04

  I mean, because it's your off-menu dream meal, Ed and I, because Ed and I do adverts all the time on this podcast, we're very good at it. If you'd like, we could record a special one for that, for that place.

• 47:40Speaker 05

  We could, I think that we should, yeah, see if we can, see if we can find what it sounds like.

• 47:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 47:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, we can replicate that.

• 47:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:46Speaker 04

  We're really good at those.

• 47:47Speaker 03

  To a, to a certain extent, we can replicate.

• 47:50Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 47:54Speaker 04

  Depends, I'll do every bar here.

• 47:57Speaker 04

  If it gets them out of a jar.

• 48:08Speaker 05

  Your dream main course. I think that for the dream main course, I would really like a very, very well-done Thai. And have a bunch of different, sort of small portions of a bunch of different vegetarian caris. Everything, have something a bit sweet, like to have everything all at once and be able to have a bunch of things, I think would be my favourite. And I think that, but the style, I think that I specifically want this in is that often when you go to like events, right? Like, um, like, just like family events, like a lot of things have been put on. It doesn't like, it could be a sad thing or a happy thing or whatever, but a very common thing would you make of?

• 48:50Speaker 05

  Encountered is these like segmented plastic plates that are all like stacked on top of one another. Everyone like takes a like one of these plastic plates that has like and you just construct a tie for yourself. Uh, out of all of these things, uh, and sort of whether the event is sort of happy or sad or whatever it might be. I always associate like the specific image of that style of plate. With and everyone like for whatever reason, everyone I love is here. Uh, we're, we're together and something's happening and we're all eating in this way. Um, with like this really like thin napkin and a, a plastic spoon and our hands.

• 49:33Speaker 03

  It's nice to associate that plate with family and all being together, cause I think most white people would associate that tray with prison.

• 49:44Speaker 03

  First, first thing I thought of, oh, oh, a prison tray.

• 49:49Speaker 03

  I've seen those in Orange is the New Black.

• 49:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, to be fair, they're with everyone they love. They already get on in Orange is the New Black.

• 49:57Speaker 05

  Some of them really get on.

• 49:58Speaker 04

  Yeah, they get on well, so it's quite nice.

• 50:03Speaker 05

  Yeah, I, I really realised as I, as I moved through this, uh, I really realised that increasingly what I'm going to be describing. Is a meal I could have on any given day.

• 50:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:16Speaker 05

  In a style you associate with being locked up.

• 50:21Speaker 05

  And it's like, so it's on the one hand, something I have complete freedom to do. And on the other, the most total restriction of freedom imaginable.

• 50:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, for us, it's for us. No, this, this sounds great though, so I think you should take us through, how many segments are there normally on the tray, would you say?

• 50:39Speaker 05

  There's, you can, there are a variety of styles. For this, you know, it's not such, it's, they're not provided by Serco.

• 50:47Speaker 05

  There's not a tremendous markup, there's not, a PFI contract does not mean that we are paying twelve pounds per segmented plastic plate. To this day because it was kept off book in two thousand and three.

• 51:00Speaker 05

  It'll be all right. But there'll be maybe like eight. Let's call it eight.

• 51:07Speaker 04

  Oh, that's good.

• 51:08Speaker 03

  Here's my question. Do you ever get to the point where you're like, I wish there was one segment that was way bigger? Because there's one thing you like more of and you're putting it in the segment. You're like, oh, now I'm gonna have to breach.

• 51:19Speaker 05

  You can keep stuff coming though.

• 51:21Speaker 03

  I'm gonna have to double the go double segment.

• 51:23Speaker 04

  Sure, yeah. He wouldn't like that.

• 51:24Speaker 03

  I'm stressing out about it.

• 51:25Speaker 04

  I wouldn't like that. I wouldn't like going double seg. He'd want a different thing in every.

• 51:29Speaker 03

  Bigger segment for like for rice.

• 51:31Speaker 05

  Yes, yes, there is.

• 51:32Speaker 03

  So I'm gonna use that for my favorite curry.

• 51:34Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 51:36Speaker 04

  He's happy now.

• 51:36Speaker 03

  And I'm gonna use a small.

• 51:37Speaker 04

  He's happy now.

• 51:38Speaker 03

  A small segment for rice.

• 51:39Speaker 04

  His whole demeanor has changed. He's really happy now that he's realized he can do that.

• 51:43Speaker 05

  Again, and this is the freedom that you have.

• 51:44Speaker 03

  Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but what if the prison guard sees?

• 51:50Speaker 04

  What if porn stash sees it?

• 51:54Speaker 03

  Take us through something. Take us through what's going in.

• 51:57Speaker 05

  Uh, yeah, so probably, uh, well, you would have sort of some sort of, uh, bread, be that like roti or chapati, uh, or, uh, puri. And this is I probably want a puri.

• 52:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:09Speaker 05

  Uh, right. Um, you would have your rice. Rice you might sort of add to stuff at the end to sort of help you mop stuff up. But you'd have something for dal and, uh, gudratida tends to be like, it's not like, you know, like the thick makhne da and stuff that you, uh, get like, you know, your classic dishu and black dal, uh, which is very sort of like thick and rich and buttery. Um, and absolutely delicious. Don't get me wrong. Like I'm trying to make it at home, felt miserably, very upset.

• 52:37Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's insane that dal.

• 52:38Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 52:38Speaker 03

  It's dangerous.

• 52:39Speaker 04

  Five months.

• 52:40Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 52:41Speaker 03

  You'll get there in the end.

• 52:43Speaker 05

  Um, but so the it tends to be a bit like, um, a bit thinner. It's more like a soup. Um, right, then you might have, uh, maybe some curry, which is like, uh, soup that you make, uh, with, uh, yogurt, gram flour, uh, sort of cumin, ginger, garlic, chili, uh, water, uh, everything is a sort of like a yogurt tea, uh, soup as well. Um, might have a few curries made with different vegetables. Um, so.

• 53:10Speaker 05

  And like what I really love about this is that basically because it's all based on spice mixes and the way that you're doing things on that end, then the ingredient that you then put in to carry that you know, can matter and you're doing different things for different reasons and you won't necessarily use exactly the same spice blend uh for anything, but it makes it a bit like, oh, what have I got around? All right, well, I can make that all of a sudden. Did I say, oh crap, all I've got is a tin of butter beans in the house. Well, that can be delicious in fifteen minutes.

• 53:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, nice.

• 53:44Speaker 05

  Uh, and it's hot oil, aspartame, turmeric, some sort of whole spice. Then bit later in the thing, you might have chili powder, coriander powder, cumin powder. And just the way that you can like build and layer things and make meals that are incredibly cheap and feed like a large number of people for not very much money, uh which is yeah, the sort of stuff that you grow up eating. Um, and I think that that's such a lovely.

• 54:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's like you've got those, the basic sort of building blocks for it.

• 54:13Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 54:13Speaker 03

  You can add whatever you like into it.

• 54:14Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 54:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:15Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 54:16Speaker 03

  I'm really hungry now. Put that out there.

• 54:18Speaker 04

  Would you like this to be a particular for your main course? And you're having this, these plates and you're having all these different things. Would you like it to be a certain specific family occasion?

• 54:29Speaker 03

  Good question.

• 54:30Speaker 05

  Hmm, I would like.

• 54:31Speaker 03

  Proud of yourself, aren't you?

• 54:33Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:34Speaker 05

  So we, we used to have these uh things when I was a kid. Um, where occasionally my dad was mates with like a few musicians and stuff in uh India. And when they would come over to the UK, uh and they needed somewhere to stay, like they were performing a show in the UK. Uh, but they needed somewhere to stay. And there was sort of this deal that was worked out where the musician would stay at our family home. And then as like a thanks for being able to stay with us while they were doing that show, would put on like a really small concert in the living room.

• 55:10Speaker 03

  Oh, nice.

• 55:11Speaker 05

  Uh, just and like family and friends would come around.

• 55:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:14Speaker 05

  Uh, and so you'd have go with the harmonium, go with the doubler, uh in the living room. This like really, really beautiful music and these concerts that would tend to be like almost discursive, right? Like there would be a piece of music and then pause and the guy would just be like twiddling around on the harmonium but recite a bit of poetry while doing that, yeah. And everyone's just there like eating out of these plates, uh, this lovely food and listening to this music. Everything. So this is, we're also building a soundscape for the dream restaurant. We've had a Rekni Bani Buri.

• 55:50Speaker 05

  Seven million times and then that transitions into.

• 55:54Speaker 04

  Does it need to transition? Because maybe the guy on the harmonium could be doing a version of the Rekni Bani Buri.

• 55:58Speaker 05

  I want there to be like a button, like you know how on like Fire in the Booth, Charlie Sloth will press a button and it'll just do the big boo boo boo. Everything. Uh, perfect. Uh, yeah. So I want every sort of the, the harmonium's going, the tubular's going, there's sort of singing this poetry, everything. And every so often Charlie Sloth is pressing a button.

• 56:20Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 56:20Speaker 05

  That makes the speakers Blair Rekni Bani Buri.

• 56:23Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love that. Have you ever stayed at someone's house as a comedian? Just stayed over because you had a gig and then you stayed over at their house?

• 56:32Speaker 05

  Yeah, but I've not then like done a gig in their living room.

• 56:35Speaker 04

  Yeah, that was my next question.

• 56:45Speaker 04

  Dream side dish then. Now, before we started the podcast today, you said that on the way here, you remembered, oh shit, I've got to do a side dish as well. So I can see why you would think that because you've got so many components on this, on this main course and this plate, choosing the side is a bit tricky.

• 57:00Speaker 05

  Yeah. Well, so that's why this is going, uh, entirely different and it's, uh, cheesy garlic bread from Pizza Hut.

• 57:07Speaker 04

  Yes, yes, yes, yes. What country's the pizza hurting?

• 57:13Speaker 03

  I love the sharp left turn. And the thing is, people would look at that and go, why, why are you doing that? That's madness. But I think that works.

• 57:20Speaker 04

  I think it'd be delicious with the, with the main course.

• 57:22Speaker 05

  And it's because I, I remembered when I was walking here of like, so the only sort of other restaurants that we ever like, we would go to like, Sigourney's once a year on Ealing Road or whatever. And the other one would be maybe you would go to Pizza Hut on Wembley High Road. Yeah. When it existed. And this was to place it in time. So I remember this is like the first experience that I'd have a restaurant and someone asking whether you wanted the smoking area or the non-smoking area. Right. Just like, just every element of it was aggressively nice.

• 57:57Speaker 05

  Right. It's like, we're in Pizza Hut on a high road and I'm giving cancer to a child.

• 58:04Speaker 05

  I do not care.

• 58:08Speaker 05

  That's good. And we, and we would sit in the not smoking area because.

• 58:13Speaker 03

  But that never made a difference.

• 58:15Speaker 05

  Yeah, because you know how like.

• 58:16Speaker 03

  You could be in a chair.

• 58:17Speaker 05

  You know how gas works, right?

• 58:19Speaker 04

  I always think about Lee Evans for that. Lee Evans did a whole thing about how, how, how does the smoke know?

• 58:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:26Speaker 04

  And then would do an act out of, of the smoke, go, go across this and move his whole body really fluidly. And then go, oh no, we're not allowed. And I do like that mime kind of thing of like, I'm miming the wall and then move along. He's, he's, he's fucking good.

• 58:42Speaker 05

  Yeah. I remember like, you know how when you're a child and you don't really have any conception of how money works?

• 58:49Speaker 04

  Sure.

• 58:50Speaker 05

  Is your, and at the time, maybe it was two pounds, the cheesy garlic bread at Pizza Hut. I mean, now it's probably about four fifty five pounds, something like that.

• 58:59Speaker 04

  Forty, forty eight pounds.

• 59:01Speaker 05

  Yeah. Who's doing any of this without a voucher?

• 59:04Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 59:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, sure.

• 59:07Speaker 05

  But when you're in the restaurant, and it is a restaurant.

• 59:09Speaker 03

  Yeah. It's a restaurant.

• 59:11Speaker 05

  Yeah, and I really remember thinking, uh, when I was a child, once thinking, if I had a really amazing job one day, like.

• 59:22Speaker 03

  How old are you when you think of this? How old are you?

• 59:24Speaker 05

  I'm like ten.

• 59:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, great. If I'd have any amazing job.

• 59:27Speaker 05

  If I, if I, if when I was growing up, I had like an amazing, like incredibly well-paid job. I could have specifically a portion of cheesy garlic bread from Pizza Hut every day if I wanted to.

• 59:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 59:42Speaker 05

  Uh, and it's, and it was like those things of when you're a kid and you're like, and sometimes you can't get an ice cream from the ice cream van.

• 59:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 59:51Speaker 05

  Or whatever. Well, when I'm a grown up, every time I see an ice cream van, I'm gonna get an ice cream. And then obviously you don't.

• 59:56Speaker 03

  Obviously don't.

• 59:57Speaker 05

  Uh, right. Um, but like the realisation occasionally when you walk past one and you're like, I could do this.

• 1:00:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:00:05Speaker 05

  I could do, no one, no one can tell me.

• 1:00:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:00:09Speaker 05

  No one can tell me, apart from a strong genetic history of diabetes, that I cannot or must not do this. So I'm gonna do it. Would I like some syrup? Yes.

• 1:00:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, cheesy garlic bread. That's, that's good stuff, man.

• 1:00:25Speaker 05

  It's next level.

• 1:00:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:00:27Speaker 05

  What is that cheese? It's not cheese.

• 1:00:28Speaker 03

  It's some sort of Pizza Hut mix, some sort of like branded Pizza Hut mix. It's good stuff. You get it, when you get it on delivery and it comes in the little box and it's all greasy on the bottom.

• 1:00:40Speaker 05

  What, like a special little garlic bread box?

• 1:00:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like a small pizza box.

• 1:00:43Speaker 05

  Don't act like you don't know.

• 1:00:46Speaker 03

  I've not had Pizza Hut in years. I think I'm gonna get Pizza Hut.

• 1:00:49Speaker 05

  Yeah, I can tell you're gonna get Pizza Hut.

• 1:00:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:00:51Speaker 05

  I think you're gonna get Pizza Hut tonight.

• 1:00:53Speaker 03

  Hmm. I'm in Dartford tonight.

• 1:00:55Speaker 05

  Hmm. When's the last time you had a PHB? Pizza Hut buffet?

• 1:00:59Speaker 03

  Oh, God, it'll be twen-, it'll be twenty years, I think. Yeah.

• 1:01:02Speaker 05

  It's never too late to go back. Just when you thought you were out, they pull you back in.

• 1:01:06Speaker 03

  Probably back in the five cigs in the mouth day, days back then. Yeah, I got those from a cigarette buffet. They always used to go hard.

• 1:01:14Speaker 05

  No prizes for guessing what my favourite part of the Pizza Hut was?

• 1:01:17Speaker 03

  Uh, Ice Cream Factory.

• 1:01:18Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:01:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, easy.

• 1:01:20Speaker 05

  And that was when I was at the age where I realised I could do whatever. I was late teens. I'm going there with my mates now.

• 1:01:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:01:27Speaker 05

  I can have that, whatever I like. I can make as many trips as I want. Shit, that nearly, nearly ended my life.

• 1:01:38Speaker 00

  Welcome to 215 Maple Drive. We just put this property on the market.

• 1:01:44Speaker 01

  Love the crown molding.

• 1:01:46Speaker 00

  Oh, wait until you see the walk-in closets and the bathroom tile.

• 1:01:49Speaker 01

  Does it have Verizon FiOS? You know, 100% fiber internet.

• 1:01:53Speaker 00

  No FiOS, but it looks like it's got cable. Let's check out the kitchen.

• 1:01:57Speaker 01

  No FiOS? Yeah, no, thank you.

• 1:02:00Speaker 00

  Don't you want to see the rest? Okay, bye-bye.

• 1:02:03Speaker 02

  Get Verizon FiOS, because when you're moving, it's 100% or nothing.

• 1:02:14Speaker 04

  Dream drink.

• 1:02:15Speaker 05

  So is it, well, I suppose the thing is like, is this something that I have to drink throughout the meal? That changes the situation?

• 1:02:21Speaker 04

  It's up to you. We've had people choose multiple drinks in the past and have like drinks that they have throughout the meal, drinks that they have for each course, or just one drink that is their dream drink. Well, you're cool.

• 1:02:32Speaker 05

  I think that at the, so at the beginning, I think of this because this is, so three years ago today, in the afternoon, I went to a bar at, there's a hotel in St. James's called Duke's, very like swish place, and they have a bar there that they sell gin martinis, and they're very known for the gin martinis at Duke's. And what the guy does, it's like, this guy comes around with like a bar cart that looks like 200 years old. He puts like a drop of vermouth in it and then like chucks away the vermouth like it insulted his mother.

• 1:03:10Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:03:11Speaker 05

  Puts it back on, then puts like, what I would perhaps like a tsunami of gin into the thing, and then like a cursory twist of a lemon.

• 1:03:19Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:03:20Speaker 05

  And then you get that, and it's amazing.

• 1:03:23Speaker 04

  Yes, we've had people talk about this before, and we always plan on going. We've still never been. Joe Quinn said we'd go together and he lied. Florence Pugh said we'd go together and she lied. Yeah, but to be fair, when she said it to us, we went, you're lying.

• 1:03:36Speaker 03

  If there was any chance that Florence Bue took us for a cocktail, that was it gone.

• 1:03:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, we weren't.

• 1:03:43Speaker 03

  When we immediately went, you're lying, Pew.

• 1:03:45Speaker 04

  You're a liar.

• 1:03:46Speaker 05

  Well, I I accept that. Unfortunately, others have raised this.

• 1:03:50Speaker 03

  I think we're more like, we're more likely to go with you.

• 1:03:53Speaker 05

  You're more likely to go with me. The reason.

• 1:03:55Speaker 03

  More direct access.

• 1:03:56Speaker 05

  The reason that I would like to do this is that, yeah, and late afternoon, three years ago today, I went for that, that martini with a woman who I'd been going out with for five weeks at that stage. And a few hours later, we were engaged and we've now been married for a year.

• 1:04:15Speaker 03

  Maybe we shouldn't go.

• 1:04:16Speaker 05

  Yeah. So I was, it's a drink with, I've not been since.

• 1:04:21Speaker 03

  It's a strong drink.

• 1:04:23Speaker 05

  It's a drink with a wonderful memory of a wonderful day. And you're like, something, you have this drink and you're like, something amazing might happen.

• 1:04:30Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:04:30Speaker 05

  And then it did.

• 1:04:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:04:31Speaker 05

  And now, and I had to tell that story because it was the only way to get her out of the jar she's currently trapped in.

• 1:04:37Speaker 04

  But remember.

• 1:04:38Speaker 03

  This is the place you're only allowed to buy two as well.

• 1:04:41Speaker 05

  Yeah, I, well, it's, I don't know whether it's a hard and fast rule that you're only allowed to buy two, but you definitely can't have more than two.

• 1:04:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:49Speaker 05

  Because of the whole death.

• 1:04:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, because you will die. Yeah. But will it be as good as I imagine it? Because it's still up there with my things I think about quite a lot.

• 1:04:57Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:04:58Speaker 03

  We tried to go for your birthday once.

• 1:05:00Speaker 04

  We did. So it was, but I didn't know that. So it was a surprise. My girlfriend had sorted it out. And she said, but she told me, like, you know, tonight, we're going to go to Dukes. And in my head, I was like, oh, man, I meant to be going to Dukes with Ed. I'd like.

• 1:05:16Speaker 03

  You've got to lay the law down.

• 1:05:17Speaker 04

  I might, I might be in trouble here, but whatever. He, he won't find out. He won't find out. But I didn't know that she had secretly organised that Ed and Nish and people would be coming. But it turned out on the way there, you guys had gone already to Dukes.

• 1:05:30Speaker 03

  We tried to go ahead and get, because you can't book or anything. So.

• 1:05:33Speaker 04

  So they'd said, no, you can't come. It's fully booked. So then you guys had found another place, the Conor.

• 1:05:38Speaker 03

  The Conor, but.

• 1:05:39Speaker 04

  You were there. But I still didn't realise what was going on. So we went to the Conor, but I, I, I was thinking, this is Dukes in my head, because I've been told we're going to Dukes. So we go into the Conor. So I think I'm in Dukes. I see Ed and Nish and like, fuck, we've got to hide.

• 1:05:58Speaker 04

  I'm supposed to go to the jukes with Ed. He's gonna fucking see us. We've got to get the fuck out of here. This is the fucking worst thing that could have happened. It's just like, they are here for you. It is your birthday.

• 1:06:06Speaker 03

  Also, in your head, why would you not be annoyed with me for going to jukes without you? You thought I was in jukes.

• 1:06:13Speaker 04

  Oh, you needn't think, you needn't think I didn't prep that. If he has a go at me, I'm gonna go, were you fucking here without me?

• 1:06:21Speaker 03

  Anyway, we, I think we drank seven martinis.

• 1:06:25Speaker 04

  Yes, it's.

• 1:06:26Speaker 03

  That's too many.

• 1:06:27Speaker 04

  That's, yeah. It's the only time where we've tried to order more and the waitress has gone, you've been here for ages. That's what she said. You've been here for ages.

• 1:06:36Speaker 03

  But they brought, they brought olives and little crispy snacks with every round.

• 1:06:40Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 1:06:40Speaker 03

  We ate too many olives.

• 1:06:41Speaker 04

  Yeah, well, we all had too many olives.

• 1:06:44Speaker 03

  Some, some of us saw them the next day, let's put it that way.

• 1:06:47Speaker 04

  Yeah, I saw, I saw my partner's olives the next day. If you're, if you're part of the expression.

• 1:06:55Speaker 03

  But that's a lovely story though. That's a lovely, a lovely memory for you. Do you, do you go back there? Are you gonna go back there for like anniversaries and things like that?

• 1:07:01Speaker 05

  Yeah, I think that we, our, our anniversary was, um, was on a Monday this, uh, we said that seemed like a catastrophic idea.

• 1:07:09Speaker 03

  Come on, man, you're a comedian. That's all right.

• 1:07:11Speaker 05

  She's a civil servant.

• 1:07:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, but she, just bring her along for the ride. Civil servants are drinking in the week, surely.

• 1:07:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:07:19Speaker 05

  How old the business of government, she's in the office right now.

• 1:07:23Speaker 05

  Taking the, uh, taking the government's, uh, insistence to heart. Uh, yeah.

• 1:07:27Speaker 04

  So you want that at the beginning?

• 1:07:28Speaker 05

  I like that at the beginning and then, and fair play to, like, I've got a lot of time for, and I know that it's extraordinarily difficult in the restaurant business to make money when you're not like being able to upsell booze in quite a big way.

• 1:07:44Speaker 04

  Mm hmm.

• 1:07:44Speaker 05

  Um, and so I know that with a lot of, I think it's really cool that there are, uh, more sort of, quite, quite like high-end Indian restaurants, uh, now like JKS have done amazing stuff, uh, with that. And you just feel as though, like, I get why they wanna push, like, really swish wine.

• 1:08:04Speaker 04

  Mm hmm.

• 1:08:04Speaker 05

  Uh, with that sort of, because. You've got to make money, uh, right. But in my opinion, it doesn't really go together.

• 1:08:11Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 1:08:12Speaker 05

  Um, so Alan, if that's the sort of food that I'm having, like, if it were a different meal, then I'd have some nice wine, but with this sort of, I mean, it doesn't really make sense. Um, so I would like a properly thick mango lassi.

• 1:08:24Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 1:08:25Speaker 05

  I think that the best one I've ever had was in a restaurant in Manchester, uh, with, I was with, uh, our friend Pierre Naveli.

• 1:08:32Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 1:08:32Speaker 05

  Uh, and we have, and it was like so thick that we basically had to eat it with spoons.

• 1:08:36Speaker 03

  Fantastic.

• 1:08:37Speaker 05

  Uh, and it was brilliant. And I'm really gutted because I can't remember the name of that restaurant. It was many years ago now. Um, but there are other places that do, uh, great ones. If you're in the north of England, there's a small chain called Bundabast.

• 1:08:51Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 1:08:51Speaker 05

  Uh, which you may well have been to since, I think, like Manchester, Liverpool, Leeds now.

• 1:08:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:56Speaker 05

  Be in some more places as well. And I go there like anytime I'm in one of those cities.

• 1:09:01Speaker 03

  It's all veggie as well, isn't it?

• 1:09:02Speaker 05

  All veggie, like, and it's, uh, yeah, like Gujarati street food largely, and it's really, really like high quality, uh, stuff and just enjoyable and they're more like, this goes well with pints. We're going to have a bunch of pints that this might go well with, uh, but whenever I'm there, because I tend to go before shows or whatever, uh, to get a big old, big old mango lassi.

• 1:09:27Speaker 03

  Nice.

• 1:09:28Speaker 05

  It's all wonderful.

• 1:09:29Speaker 03

  Great. Uh, well, so that'd be your, that's your dream drink, the lassi. But at the start, you've got the martini.

• 1:09:35Speaker 05

  At the start.

• 1:09:35Speaker 03

  Great.

• 1:09:35Speaker 05

  Martini, brilliant.

• 1:09:37Speaker 03

  Lovely. That's good because the martini's like a bit of rocket fuel at the start of the meal, but then you're not like getting smashed throughout the whole thing. You're, you're bringing yourself back with the lassi.

• 1:09:45Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's like, you know, you're starting out, you've got a hyperbolically boozy gin martini.

• 1:09:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:09:51Speaker 05

  You're eating an infinity of bunny burry, some of which have sparkling water in there. There's a sort of thumping baseline of the Recky Bunnybury mix going on.

• 1:10:03Speaker 03

  Going on a harmonium as well.

• 1:10:04Speaker 05

  You're, you're feeling, you're feeling like you're going crazy. Like this is it for you. Uh, everything. Then everything just chills out with your, uh, with your segmented plastic plate and your, uh.

• 1:10:13Speaker 03

  Do you want Pierre to join you for the lassi?

• 1:10:16Speaker 05

  I guess I would like to have Pierre there with the lassi, yeah.

• 1:10:18Speaker 03

  It, it would bring the spoons.

• 1:10:19Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:10:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:10:24Speaker 03

  We arrive at your dream dessert.

• 1:10:25Speaker 05

  Mm hmm.

• 1:10:26Speaker 03

  What we talking?

• 1:10:27Speaker 05

  Well, so quite often, uh, there would have been like with the main or go out, there would have been a bit of a sweet with that.

• 1:10:36Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:10:36Speaker 05

  Right. So, uh, quite often with your, you know, your shark or so with your curries and the bread and the, you'd also have something sweet. So you've got like this rust, like a mango pulp, uh, that you'd often have.

• 1:10:51Speaker 03

  Is that going in one of the segments?

• 1:10:53Speaker 05

  Yeah. So you could have that along with, um, or you might have gore, which I think is called, uh, jaggery is like sugarcane, uh, stuff that you occasionally have. And then loads of other, uh, things that people might know. If you've ever been to a shop like Ambala or whatever, you might've seen like, you know, Rasmali, Jalebi, uh, Gulab jamun, uh, these sorts of things, like all.

• 1:11:13Speaker 03

  The diabetics forbid an Indian cabinet. I stare through, press my nose up against the glass, have a look at all those things.

• 1:11:20Speaker 05

  Yeah. And, uh, you know, then you, uh, see sort of older generations of your family wondering why these diagnoses have happened to them.

• 1:11:29Speaker 05

  Absolutely fun all this stuff.

• 1:11:32Speaker 03

  Every year on, uh, uh, on the Radio X show that I do with Matthew Crosby, our producer Vin, uh, brings in like a selection of Indian sweets once a year. And I try them on air and I'm like, right, that's, that's enough for me. Just little bites. Matthew then takes all of the rest of them home and eats them on the way home and we get texts from him that don't make sense. Like he is, he is high as hell. He's going mad. When he used to drive back from the studio, we used to worry about him because he put them on the car seat. Then he'd be driving back just like popping all the sweets in his mouth, just like fucking buzzing off his head. So sweet.

• 1:12:09Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah. I remember the first time I had those as a kid and just being like, I'm in heaven. This is the best. I'm, I'm, I'm converting. I, I went and had them, I think at a mosque and I was like, this is the best fucking thing in the world. I, I, I go ahead and tell my family it's not a question anymore.

• 1:12:25Speaker 03

  Great.

• 1:12:28Speaker 05

  But I feel as though that's almost like, it's a bit cheating, right, to say that as part of the main course, you've got a nice sweet thing on the side. And so I was like, right, well, I've got to come up with dessert and I am almost literally having my cake and eating it in this situation, right? So I've got to come up.

• 1:12:44Speaker 03

  Also, like, it's part of the thing, right? It's like traditionally what you would get.

• 1:12:47Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:12:48Speaker 03

  And also even if it's not, you can just make up anything and say it's a tradition. We'll have to just, we'll just have to go, oh, how wonderful.

• 1:12:54Speaker 05

  Yeah, there's this bit at the end where, at the end of each meal, like, two white guys each give you 20 quid.

• 1:13:01Speaker 03

  Oh, that's such a wonderful tradition.

• 1:13:02Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:13:03Speaker 04

  Man, you could have made up any figure of money.

• 1:13:08Speaker 04

  You got over 40 quid.

• 1:13:12Speaker 05

  So I was like, right, there should be something different, and not just sort of in keeping with all of the rest of the meal, for dessert, and it would be ideally something that would make at least one of you furious.

• 1:13:28Speaker 05

  Just like your face did something absolutely fascinating then. I think, and it is not conventionally thought of as a dessert, but we're quite near there at the moment.

• 1:13:40Speaker 03

  Here we go.

• 1:13:40Speaker 05

  At Jose on Bermondsey Street.

• 1:13:43Speaker 03

  Fantastic restaurant.

• 1:13:44Speaker 05

  In South London, fantastic restaurant. Very much recommend the tortilla in particular is my favorite thing that they do there.

• 1:13:49Speaker 03

  Very, very good, yeah. We had a nice meal there, didn't we?

• 1:13:51Speaker 04

  Okay, happened, yeah.

• 1:13:52Speaker 05

  And it's not, it's not a dessert, but if you order it, it will come last. They do fried goat's cheese with honey on it.

• 1:13:59Speaker 04

  Okay, I'm, I.

• 1:14:02Speaker 03

  Are you all right with that? I think you might be all right with that.

• 1:14:04Speaker 04

  Because I think I tried some of that and it is very sweet and delicious.

• 1:14:07Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:14:08Speaker 04

  And I would say does work as a dessert. So I feel okay about that.

• 1:14:13Speaker 03

  And it works for me as a cheese board as well. I think you might have found the perfect centrist.

• 1:14:18Speaker 04

  That's all we needed.

• 1:14:19Speaker 05

  This is bringing people together.

• 1:14:20Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:14:21Speaker 03

  Because that's such a good choice.

• 1:14:22Speaker 05

  I'm really taking centrism to a whole new level.

• 1:14:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, and that honey's so good as well, like proper nice honey.

• 1:14:31Speaker 05

  It's amazing. And because like, well, one of the things that you have, if you're getting any sort of meal that's just like little bits, right? Then you're like, oh, well, I've had all of these things, but I'm not particularly full.

• 1:14:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:14:43Speaker 05

  Right? And you feel, and then this goat's cheese is put in front of you. And if it's, say, it's just two of you there and you have half of it each. And then all of a sudden you go from, well, I could have had like four more things to, if anyone is to suggest that I eat in the next twenty four hours.

• 1:15:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:15:04Speaker 05

  I'm going to explode.

• 1:15:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's a definitive end to the meal.

• 1:15:08Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:15:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:15:09Speaker 04

  And you're just eating that with a spoon. You're not dipping anything in it. There's nothing, you're just eating that like a yogurt.

• 1:15:15Speaker 05

  I mean, it's got this like, and it's, I can't really describe the texture. I wish I was like.

• 1:15:19Speaker 03

  Depends what sort of goat's cheese it is, I guess.

• 1:15:22Speaker 05

  Hmm. Well, there's like, there's a softness to, I would say like the main, but then because it's fried like the, almost the outer edges become crispy. Uh, as a result, uh, so you've got this real softness and warmth with the real crispiness and the sweetness of the honey. Uh, and it's really, yeah, it's really remarkable.

• 1:15:44Speaker 03

  I want it.

• 1:15:45Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's hard to be angry about it because I know that it's delicious. I know that I would love it. I mean, personally, I'd like it as a bridge from the main course to the dessert.

• 1:15:52Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:15:52Speaker 04

  And it happens after this. That would be my favorite way of doing this, but it is so good that I can't, I can't go, oh, I've got to get angry because it's cheese for the dessert. Because like.

• 1:16:02Speaker 03

  It's honey and honey's like the sweetest thing on the planet.

• 1:16:05Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's the original sweet thing.

• 1:16:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:16:08Speaker 04

  Shout out bees.

• 1:16:12Speaker 04

  And read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it. You would like sparked in water. You would like puffed fifty fifty raw and roasted over a fire. Start a pani puri from recti pani puri. Main course, veggie tali. Side dish pizza hut cheesy garlic bread. Drink gin martini from the, from Duke's at the top of the meal. Thick mango lassi with piano belly with a spoons later on. Also, I've missed out so many details here. You've got the band playing in the room. You've got the, the specific plates. You've got the advert playing. You've got Charlie Sloth.

• 1:16:44Speaker 04

  Does a fried goat's cheese with honey from Jose.

• 1:16:47Speaker 03

  Delicious.

• 1:16:48Speaker 04

  That sounds great, I hear. That's a really delicious meal, I think. Uh, is there any particular bit in that that makes you feel that you want to eat it immediately?

• 1:16:56Speaker 05

  What I, what I feel especially happy about with this is that with the possible exception of the presence of Charlie Slough, I think I could make all of this happen.

• 1:17:05Speaker 04

  Yeah, Charlie Slough would do it.

• 1:17:07Speaker 05

  Yeah, just be like, email him, just be like, Charlie, there's only one thing standing between me and my dream.

• 1:17:16Speaker 05

  I'll even make the custom button and sound effect.

• 1:17:20Speaker 03

  When, so all of that is there, what are you most annoyed if the monkey comes?

• 1:17:26Speaker 04

  I do have the last of the monkey.

• 1:17:28Speaker 03

  What are you most annoyed if the monkey takes?

• 1:17:30Speaker 05

  Yeah, no, I would, I would like, given that, um, the monkey caused so many problems at the beginning of a meal.

• 1:17:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:17:39Speaker 05

  Uh, in nineteen fifty-five, I would like in the present day for at the end, everyone's plates and glasses and everything to be cleared away by the monkey. And so, by the way, this monkey is still alive, this monkey is.

• 1:17:55Speaker 03

  I like to imagine the monkey is a really old man.

• 1:18:00Speaker 05

  Very busy, he's had time to reflect.

• 1:18:04Speaker 05

  And yeah, so, uh, that monkey at the end, and somehow he's moved from Nakor in Gujarat to London. Intervening time, uh, but yeah, he jumps in through the, uh, through the open window at the end of the meal and tidies everything away.

• 1:18:20Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:18:21Speaker 04

  I'm imagining that he's got like, like Chippendales, like a collar and a bow tie.

• 1:18:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, but he's really old, so he's got tidy little reading glasses.

• 1:18:30Speaker 05

  No, he's got a little medal that says Northern Ireland Washing Up.

• 1:18:35Speaker 05

  Cause he's been robbing you.

• 1:18:39Speaker 03

  Oh, I'm happy that monkey, uh, comes back to help.

• 1:18:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'm very happy the monkey came back to help. Yeah, good on it.

• 1:18:48Speaker 03

  Thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant.

• 1:18:50Speaker 04

  My pleasure, thank you for having me.

• 1:18:57Speaker 03

  Well, there we are, James. A wonderful episode with Aheer Shah.

• 1:18:59Speaker 04

  Forgot that Aheer is a vegetarian, so therefore was never going to choose burnt ends.

• 1:19:03Speaker 03

  Wasn't going to choose burnt ends, no.

• 1:19:05Speaker 04

  So we didn't have to kick him out. That was nice.

• 1:19:07Speaker 03

  He could have said, "Oh, I love, there's like these aubergine burnt ends." What would he have said to that?

• 1:19:13Speaker 04

  Oh, well, that would have been, we would have had to kick him out.

• 1:19:15Speaker 03

  Vegetable style burnt ends.

• 1:19:17Speaker 04

  We didn't say beef burnt ends.

• 1:19:18Speaker 03

  No, we didn't. We said burnt ends.

• 1:19:20Speaker 04

  So, yeah, but it didn't happen.

• 1:19:22Speaker 03

  The poppadums might have been burnt on the end if you're doing them over a fire. Oh, we should have kicked them out.

• 1:19:28Speaker 04

  I think it was burnt on the end. We're harsh. Delicious menu. I'd like to eat pretty much all of that, I think, so.

• 1:19:35Speaker 03

  Really good. I mean, it's wrong that the main thing I've taken away from that is I really want to eat some pizza, garlic, bread with cheese, isn't it?

• 1:19:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, that is pretty wrong, but I think the main thing you've taken away from it is the monkey.

• 1:19:46Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, the monkey, yeah.

• 1:19:47Speaker 04

  You love the monkey. Yeah, yeah. I liked what he did, the monkey impression he did, the kind of.

• 1:19:50Speaker 03

  Have you seen Chimp Crazy yet?

• 1:19:52Speaker 04

  No, what's that?

• 1:19:54Speaker 03

  Man, it's a document, it's a documentary series. It's from the makers of Tiger King. It's about a lady who's obsessed with monkeys.

• 1:20:00Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, that sounds good.

• 1:20:01Speaker 03

  It's brilliant.

• 1:20:02Speaker 04

  Oh, it's a documentary about the Zodiac Killer the other day. It's great. Yeah, yeah, really good. Definitely know who did it.

• 1:20:08Speaker 03

  Ends is also available to stream on Netflix now. There is no excuse for you to not watch this show.

• 1:20:14Speaker 04

  Zero excuse.

• 1:20:16Speaker 03

  Yes. Well, thank you very much. I'm starving now.

• 1:20:18Speaker 04

  I'm absolutely famished.

• 1:20:20Speaker 03

  Goodbye.

• 1:20:21Speaker 04

  Bye.

• 1:20:35Speaker 00

  Welcome to 215 Maple Drive. We just put this property on the market.

• 1:20:41Speaker 01

  Love the crown molding.

• 1:20:43Speaker 00

  Oh, wait until you see the walk-in closets and the bathroom tile.

• 1:20:47Speaker 01

  Does it have Verizon FiOS? You know, 100% fiber internet?

• 1:20:50Speaker 00

  No FiOS, but it looks like it's got cable. Let's check out the kitchen.

• 1:20:54Speaker 01

  No FiOS? Yeah, no, thank you.

• 1:20:57Speaker 00

  Don't you want to see the rest? Okay, bye-bye.

• 1:21:00Speaker 02

  Get Verizon FiOS, because when you're moving, it's 100% or nothing.