Kids Before Partners, Non-Negotiables, Catfishing & Amicable Splits

This week, Tony and Tobie weigh in on a heated internet debate: Should your kids come before your spouse in a marriage? Then, they introduce a brand-new segment, “Relation-Pop,” where they break down the latest relationship trends and pop culture headlines. From Megan Thee Stallion’s dating non-negotiables to messy breakups versus conscious uncoupling, they cover it all. Plus, they dive into the marital woes unfolding on this season of The Real Housewives of New York City. See omnystudio.com/listener https://omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 2:18Speaker 04

  What the fuck?

• 2:19Speaker 05

  You were so mad at me, and you had every right to be so mad at me. But like, also, I was like, very mad at you because you were just taking the little crumbs that I was feeding you and just going for them like a little rat. And I wanted to kill you.

• 2:31Speaker 04

  I was having some fun. I was having some fun.

• 2:33Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah? You were having some fun?

• 2:39Speaker 05

  Well, welcome, everybody, back to No Safe Words with October and Tony Gonzalez. It feels so weird when I introduce myself, like, so formally.

• 2:46Speaker 04

  No, it's okay.

• 2:47Speaker 05

  I usually don't do that. It's normal. It feels good? Okay, well, what's going on, Tony Gonzalez? How are you feeling today?

• 2:54Speaker 04

  I'm feeling good. Feeling good. Ready to rock, huh? Let's do this. We're doing this. Let's keep it going.

• 2:58Speaker 05

  I wanted to talk about how this weekend went, visiting your mom, who's just the best. I feel like it's so important to go down to Huntington Beach where your mom lives and spend time with her, now that she's getting older. She's gonna be 80 this year.

• 3:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 3:13Speaker 05

  And I feel like you've been really getting down there a lot.

• 3:15Speaker 04

  Yeah, later, the older my mother gets, the more I feel I want to keep going down there and seeing her more and more. Because we live about an hour and whatever.

• 3:25Speaker 05

  Not close.

• 3:26Speaker 04

  Hour and 15 minutes away. So it's not close, and she can't drive up to us because she doesn't drive the freeway like you, which is ridiculous.

• 3:33Speaker 05

  Come on, I know.

• 3:33Speaker 04

  Hey.

• 3:34Speaker 05

  I know.

• 3:34Speaker 04

  You marry your mother.

• 3:36Speaker 05

  So they say.

• 3:37Speaker 04

  So they say, at least in that part. But yeah, I think it's really, really important. She lives by herself.

• 3:42Speaker 05

  She does. Loves it.

• 3:44Speaker 04

  Loves it, doesn't want any... I even asked her. I was like, actually, I asked her this weekend. I said, "Hey, would you ever want to move in with us?" And she's like, "No, absolutely not."

• 3:55Speaker 05

  That's what she said?

• 3:56Speaker 04

  Yeah, well, does that surprise you?

• 3:57Speaker 05

  I'm not offended. No, no, no, no. Do you remember when I tried to set her up on a date? Like, online? I put her on like, a dating website, like, maybe like 10 years ago?

• 4:07Speaker 04

  Yeah, I thought it worked out too.

• 4:08Speaker 05

  It did. She got a boyfriend for a little while.

• 4:09Speaker 04

  She got a boyfriend.

• 4:10Speaker 05

  You guys, I highly recommend if your mother-in-law, or your mom, or whoever is single, and she hasn't been out lately, like, think about putting her on a website, like, a dating website, because it actually worked.

• 4:22Speaker 04

  And she didn't want to do this either, but when she did it, she was...

• 4:25Speaker 05

  She met such a, like, a wonderful man, who, by the way, she was very upfront with him. She was like, "I do not want to ever get married again. I don't ever want to live with someone again."

• 4:33Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 4:33Speaker 05

  "I just want to have somebody to do things with, that will keep me company and keep me company and have, you know, someone I can have a good time with."

• 4:39Speaker 04

  Yeah, and well, and that's... And that happened for a while. And she, by the way, I can, we can talk about my mom's relationships, because she doesn't give a damn.

• 4:46Speaker 05

  She's fine with this, yes.

• 4:47Speaker 04

  She wouldn't care.

• 4:48Speaker 05

  No.

• 4:48Speaker 04

  But anyway, yeah, she was dating the guy. I forgot his name, so...

• 4:52Speaker 05

  We don't need to talk, we don't need to name names.

• 4:54Speaker 04

  We'll call him Bill or something?

• 4:55Speaker 05

  Sure.

• 4:56Speaker 04

  Okay, Bill.

• 4:57Speaker 05

  My god, what if his name is really Bill? Anyway, go ahead.

• 4:59Speaker 04

  So, Bill and her started dating, and the same thing. She told him from the beginning, "Nothing serious. Let's go to the movies. Let's, you know, hold hands, go to the, you know..."

• 5:07Speaker 05

  I know, and then he fell in love, and he was like...

• 5:09Speaker 04

  And then he found love, and then he wanted to move in, he wanted her to move in, and all this other stuff, and she had to shut him down.

• 5:15Speaker 05

  So she's very happily, happy, living alone in her gorgeous little beach house, and she's just thriving.

• 5:21Speaker 04

  Yeah, but I don't, I don't think that's, that's healthy, though. I know the data says that when you get older, if you're alone, you die quicker.

• 5:31Speaker 05

  I know.

• 5:32Speaker 04

  Or, yeah, I think so. I don't want to look that quote up, or that, those numbers up. But I think I read something where, where, and I think it makes a lot of sense, too, like, being alone, being isolated.

• 5:42Speaker 05

  But is your mom really alone? She has your brother, like, two of your brothers really close by. I feel like she's, she keeps pretty busy, but I know, I get what you're saying.

• 5:49Speaker 04

  Yeah, don't, you don't want to be, I mean, if that happened, if I, if I croak early, would you...

• 5:54Speaker 05

  We all know, everyone knows my plan now.

• 5:56Speaker 04

  All right, we already know. Yeah, well, you'd move in with your friends and stuff like that, but you wouldn't, but the thing is, you wouldn't want to be alone.

• 6:01Speaker 05

  I would not want to be alone. And so I do, that's why I put her on the dating website to begin with, is because I thought to myself, like, I know she wants somebody to do life with. I mean, at the very least, not someone to, like, marry or anything, but someone to just have experience life with you again. You have so many great years left, why wouldn't you want to have somebody to experience it with?

• 6:21Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 6:21Speaker 05

  Is my feeling.

• 6:22Speaker 04

  But, you know, the thing is, after that broke up, her and Bill,

• 6:27Speaker 04

  she never, she never wanted to get back on that horse. She was like, "Uh-uh, not doing this anymore. I'm done," and just so content to be alone in the house.

• 6:34Speaker 05

  Totally.

• 6:34Speaker 04

  But, like you said, my brother Travis is down there a lot, and Cara, his girlfriend, and Donnie, and...

• 6:39Speaker 05

  Yeah, she's got a lot of love in her life.

• 6:41Speaker 04

  Yeah, there's people coming to visit all the time, and I wanted to be, I want to be more than what we have been.

• 6:47Speaker 05

  Yeah, and you've been, we've been really good about getting down there, I feel like.

• 6:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, I think it's real important. And also, too, we dropped our son off at boarding school, and we're gonna be empty nesters here pretty soon. And I was, I was telling Malia, our oldest daughter, the other day, she was, she was like, "Why are you going back down to see grandma's?" Because we had just, I had just been down there a week ago. And, by the way, I think once a week is pretty good. I don't think that's a bad thing.

• 7:08Speaker 05

  I think it's a wonderful thing.

• 7:08Speaker 04

  I would love to hear what people think, like...

• 7:10Speaker 05

  I mean, that's a lot, but it's, I think it's great.

• 7:12Speaker 04

  I think, yeah, but anyway, I told her, "Your grandma's getting older." And also, too, I hope you can come see us when we get that age, because just know...

• 7:20Speaker 05

  You're like, doing your karmic duty. You're like, "I'm doing this so that my kids will do this."

• 7:24Speaker 04

  It means so much. She did, so...

• 7:25Speaker 05

  Of course.

• 7:26Speaker 04

  She said, she said, meaning, she said she'll, she'll come visit us when she gets older, so I think it's good. But I think it's good for her health. I really believe that mom...

• 7:32Speaker 05

  Absolutely.

• 7:33Speaker 04

  Go see your, all you people out there right now, if you're feeling a little guilty right now, that means you're not seeing your parents enough.

• 7:38Speaker 05

  That little twinge you're feeling in your heart or your stomach, you're like, "Oh, god, I should go see my mom. I should go see my dad." Just do it. Do it. You'll feel so good afterwards. It's true.

• 7:47Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah. By the way, that reminds me of another, well, we won't talk about it today, but...

• 7:52Speaker 05

  Oh, okay.

• 7:52Speaker 04

  I was just talking to a friend of mine who doesn't, doesn't talk to their parents at all.

• 7:56Speaker 05

  That's heartbreaking.

• 7:57Speaker 04

  Yeah, but it's a different, different time, different subject. I want to see about what... But I think it's for good reason, though. They're like, "I don't talk to them," and I'm like, "Why?" And they start telling me the reason why, and I'm like, "Okay."

• 8:07Speaker 05

  Look, that's a whole other, a whole other Oprah, but it's true.

• 8:10Speaker 04

  Is it appropriate to cut off?

• 8:11Speaker 05

  Sometimes it is, yes.

• 8:13Speaker 04

  Yeah, we should talk about that.

• 8:13Speaker 05

  It's a lot of different circumstances that that could be appropriate, I believe. But I want to talk to you about something that's actually gone viral, that kind of was interesting to me. I want to know your take. There was a mom, I think on TikTok, I forget, I can never get my TikToks or my Instagram reels right, but somebody went viral for talking about how they, they think it's very important that you put your children before your husband. Like, I will, oh, she was like, "I will always put my kids before my husband."

• 8:41Speaker 04

  Who said this? You don't, you don't know?

• 8:42Speaker 05

  I don't know her name. It's just some woman, but it went viral, and people have a lot, lot to say about it, and I wanted to know, well, I have an opinion about it.

• 8:48Speaker 04

  Yeah, let me hear your opinion.

• 8:49Speaker 05

  Well, my opinion is, well, because, yeah, I just think that that's, for me, that does not, that does not ring true at all. I would never put my kids before my husband.

• 8:58Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 8:58Speaker 05

  In less case, I was remarried, and if I was remarried and it was their stepdad, my kids would always come before that man.

• 9:06Speaker 04

  Oh, okay, really?

• 9:06Speaker 05

  Because that's not the father of my children. I think if you're married to the father of your children, that man comes first. And the reason being is because if you got, if we are not good, our kids are not good.

• 9:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:17Speaker 05

  Like, it trickles down. Like, I'm not about to let my marriage go, because then slowly, my kids are gonna suffer. It's like, I'm, I feel like I'm simultaneously putting my kids first by putting my marriage first, if that makes sense.

• 9:29Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:29Speaker 05

  Like, truly, if we're not good, the kids are not going to be good.

• 9:33Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:33Speaker 05

  What do you think?

• 9:34Speaker 04

  Well, I think it's, you know me, I'm always like, case by case. I gotta hear, okay, what's the situation? What's going on? What do you mean, "Put them before your husband or your wife"? Is it, like... Instead of date night, we're gonna go to go to his football game or her volleyball game, stuff like that, or is it, what do you mean exactly that you're putting your kids before your spouse? What does that mean?

• 9:56Speaker 05

  I think it's just prioritizing, like I, this woman is saying she prioritizes her children before her husband. Like if her kids have something, she would say no to the husband before she says no to the kids. Where she, it's just, it's just she, they're at the top of the food chain. You know what I mean? This isn't like a 1950s, like dad gets the big slice of the chicken pot pie. Yeah, you know what I mean? It's like you, this is a different way of sort of approaching it, which-

• 10:20Speaker 04

  I think you're cruising for a bruising there, if you-

• 10:23Speaker 05

  Oh, cruising for a bruising? Why I oughta, what do we mean? What is it? What are you gonna, you gonna hit your wife?

• 10:28Speaker 04

  No, I'm not talking about that. To the moon.

• 10:31Speaker 05

  To the moon, Alice.

• 10:34Speaker 04

  No.

• 10:34Speaker 05

  This is 1953?

• 10:37Speaker 04

  No, no, I'm saying you're cruising for a bruising, meaning if you're the person doing that, picking your children over your spouse, and it's happening often, because there are special circumstances, you gotta be like, okay, we got, look, it's little Johnny's something, something, I gotta go take care of little Johnny. But if you keep doing that, eventually that person's gonna, you're gonna have distances gonna be created, and then eventually you're gonna look up and people are gonna feel resentful and unseen, like you don't see me, you know, that's a big-

• 11:07Speaker 05

  Right.

• 11:07Speaker 04

  -big thing. And then, and then you got a big divide, and then you gotta go to counseling, and hopefully-

• 11:12Speaker 05

  And then kablooey. Marriage is over. Cruising for a bruising. Lovely.

• 11:19Speaker 04

  That's an old school saying right there.

• 11:20Speaker 05

  Oh my gosh, don't ever say that again.

• 11:21Speaker 04

  I haven't said that in a while, I don't know where that came from.

• 11:22Speaker 05

  All right, guys, I have something that we're gonna start doing. It's called relationship pop. Tony, get into it, okay?

• 11:27Speaker 04

  Go ahead.

• 11:27Speaker 05

  All right, so we're gonna start a new segment where we're talking, we would talk about relationships, but we're gonna involve a little bit of pop culture, and we're gonna call it relationship pop, okay? So we'll talk about everything from celebrity news, dating trends, and we'll just be talking about anything that's like happening in pop culture, or anything that we're interested in.

• 11:45Speaker 04

  Cool.

• 11:46Speaker 05

  Okay, so one of those things I wanted to bring up, you know Meg Thee Stallion, Meg Thee Stallion, and she was with Klay Thompson, who, you know who that is?

• 11:55Speaker 04

  I do, I know, I know Klay.

• 11:56Speaker 05

  You know Klay Thompson, well, they are-

• 11:58Speaker 04

  Orange County baby.

• 11:59Speaker 05

  I know, they are currently split, and the reason for the split is-

• 12:04Speaker 04

  I didn't even know they were together, but go ahead.

• 12:06Speaker 05

  Of course you didn't, okay? I have to fill, you guys, I have to fill this guy in on pop culture on a regular basis, because it's not where he shines. You have your other gifts. So anyway, so Klay Thompson and Meg Thee Stallion have been together for a while.

• 12:18Speaker 04

  Sure.

• 12:18Speaker 05

  There has been infidelity, and that is a non-negotiable for her.

• 12:24Speaker 04

  On, oh, it's on his part?

• 12:25Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 12:26Speaker 04

  So according to, to her?

• 12:28Speaker 05

  Yes. I'm sure she wouldn't leave him if there, if she didn't have-

• 12:32Speaker 04

  Okay, okay, okay, you know, I don't wanna, you know, I don't wanna talk too much about somebody's relationship, and we don't know-

• 12:37Speaker 05

  We're not talking about their relationship in particular, we're talking about, you know, what does it mean, what are non-negotiables for a relationship?

• 12:44Speaker 04

  Sure.

• 12:44Speaker 05

  Do you believe that like, are there non-negotiables, or there should be like, across the board, black and white, non-negotiables for people?

• 12:51Speaker 04

  No, I think everything is case by case. I can't stand black and white thinking. I don't like that at all.

• 12:57Speaker 05

  I know, me too.

• 12:58Speaker 04

  So like even if you're married, whatever, if something happens, it's like, okay, if you do this, divorce. If you do this, separation. If you do this, I think that-

• 13:06Speaker 05

  But a lot of people feel that way.

• 13:07Speaker 04

  I know they do, and that's why a lot of, that's why divorce is so high, I think.

• 13:10Speaker 05

  Right.

• 13:11Speaker 04

  You can't just have a script. There can't be a script, I don't, I don't think, where you do this, we go here. I mean, I guess there's non-negotiables, so what are, what are some non-negotiables for you?

• 13:22Speaker 05

  Well, non-negotiables for me are-

• 13:24Speaker 04

  We, and we have rules.

• 13:25Speaker 05

  We know what they, yeah, of course, we have, but I think every, it goes relationship by relationship. My personal non-negotiable is addiction. I, I grew up in a house full of addiction, I'm highly triggered. Obviously, I wouldn't like leave you at the first signs of addiction, but like, it is one of those things where I am like-

• 13:40Speaker 04

  That's your number one non-negotiable?

• 13:41Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 13:42Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 13:42Speaker 05

  Number one.

• 13:43Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 13:44Speaker 05

  I mean, among other things, but it's just, there's certain things that I just cannot tolerate, and I'm highly sensitive to, which is addiction, because of, you know, the repercussions I've had to deal with in my family. So, yeah, I mean, I wouldn't just leave you right off the bat, like I said, but that would be-

• 14:01Speaker 04

  Yeah, but can we work through it first? Can you, can you give me a chance to get over it?

• 14:05Speaker 05

  You get, you get one shot of rehab, you know?

• 14:06Speaker 04

  Yeah, well, seriously.

• 14:10Speaker 05

  One, one rehab stint, and then you're out. Okay, and then to the moon, Alice.

• 14:14Speaker 04

  So much grace. I, I, I do, a non-negotiable would be, I think, cussing. We talked about this on one of our-

• 14:22Speaker 05

  Fighting dirty.

• 14:23Speaker 04

  Fighting dirty. I couldn't, I would not, that, that's not gonna work for me. Not gonna work.

• 14:30Speaker 05

  Talk fighting crazy.

• 14:31Speaker 04

  Yeah, entrapment too.

• 14:33Speaker 05

  Entrapment?

• 14:34Speaker 04

  Entrapment, where?

• 14:35Speaker 05

  Where, where you get set up?

• 14:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, where you, you did, we already talked about that too, but-

• 14:39Speaker 05

  I don't know if we talked about it.

• 14:40Speaker 04

  Yeah, we did.

• 14:41Speaker 05

  I've talked about it on my Tea with Toby from back in the day, but, no, yeah, I did try to catfish you. Early on in our relationship, you guys, the level of psychosis that I went through, I think I was still like postpartum. I had like had, had Malia, and I was like spiraling, because you were gone every single weekend during the football season. I'm stuck in Atlanta with like hardly any friends, with a newborn baby, and, you know, fat and ugly, and so my psychotic brain comes up with a horrible idea of creating a fake person and catfishing my husband while he's in Miami for a game. And this is the worst, the worst

• 15:24Speaker 05

  thing ever, because I sent him a text message from my girlfriend's phone number, and I'm like, hey, this is Claudia, do you remember me? We should meet up. I heard you're in Miami. And this fool, okay, just like every other stupid guy would probably do, was like, oh, who's this? Not like shut it down immediately, just like inquisitive, you know, which then sent me spiraling on another level.

• 15:45Speaker 04

  I did say, I don't know who you are, I don't know what you're talking about, but who is this?

• 15:49Speaker 05

  And so I sent this like provocative photo of some girl that looks like somebody he'd like, and he's like, oh, oh, yeah.

• 15:54Speaker 04

  I don't remember you.

• 15:55Speaker 05

  I don't remember you, uh, yeah, then like you just started asking her questions, like, like you're just starting a conversation.

• 16:01Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 16:02Speaker 05

  And it sort of didn't go anywhere from there, but then you called the number back, and it was my girlfriend's answering, voicemail, or whatever was her voicemail, and you're like, what are you doing, Toby?

• 16:12Speaker 04

  What the fuck?

• 16:14Speaker 05

  You were so mad at me, and you had every right to be so mad at me, but like also I was like very mad at you, because you were just taking little crumbs that I was feeding you, and just going for them like a little rat, and I wanted to kill you.

• 16:27Speaker 04

  I was having some fun, I was having some fun.

• 16:28Speaker 05

  So, oh, yeah, you were having some fun?

• 16:30Speaker 04

  Obviously, no, nothing's gonna happen.

• 16:32Speaker 05

  My god, I was-

• 16:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, but we did, the non-negotiable part, I did, we had a serious conversation after that.

• 16:38Speaker 05

  You were like, don't ever.

• 16:39Speaker 04

  And I was like, you can't ever do that again. That, that's not, you, you, you better be 100% sure, because if it's not, oof.

• 16:48Speaker 05

  If it's not what?

• 16:49Speaker 04

  If it's, yeah, I mean, if, if it's not, I'm not doing anything. So-

• 16:52Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 16:52Speaker 04

  If I was doing something, better make sure you got it, right? You can't just catfish people. First of all, that's no place, that's, the reason why too.

• 16:59Speaker 05

  You can't catfish. By the way, the takeaway is, you can't catfish people, okay?

• 17:02Speaker 04

  Can't catfish your husband, your wife. Why? What are we doing? We're like looking for shit, like you're looking for trouble.

• 17:08Speaker 05

  Guys, I was postpartum, I would, do not hold that against me, I was spiraling, like I said.

• 17:13Speaker 04

  That's, I think if people that, if you are doing that right now, stop it.

• 17:17Speaker 05

  Non-negotiable for Tony. Does not like to be catfished, okay, noted. I, yeah, that was bad. Apologies. I'm glad we've come out of that.

• 17:27Speaker 04

  That was long topic.

• 17:34Speaker 06

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• 20:55Speaker 05

  So there's been a few couples and you've known, I mean Gwyneth Paltrow sort of started it all. But what do you think about people that are splitting up amicably? And do you think that that like is real? I mean, like

• 21:06Speaker 04

  What do you mean? Oh, the conscious uncoupling?

• 21:08Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 21:08Speaker 04

  You talking about that?

• 21:09Speaker 05

  Yes, honey. Conscious uncoupling.

• 21:11Speaker 04

  Well, call it what it was. That's the name.

• 21:13Speaker 05

  It is. I think it's wonderful and I think it can be done. I'm just wondering like how it went from like, I mean, you remember like the eighties divorces? Like the divorces that happened between like the parents that we grew up around back in like the eighties and nineties? Where parents were like, they would just like shit on each other in front of like the whole neighborhood.

• 21:34Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 21:35Speaker 05

  I mean, like I knew what a piece of shit my girlfriend's dad was because her mom went around the neighborhood like shouting it from the rooftops.

• 21:42Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 21:43Speaker 05

  And like, there was no speaking. There was like dropping you off in front of the house, never coming in. There was like just insanity.

• 21:50Speaker 04

  What you're talking about, if you remember, you're talking about, that's, that's my parents.

• 21:54Speaker 05

  Well, your parents were

• 21:55Speaker 04

  That was the divorce that we had, uh, and we saw, and still to this day, to this day.

• 22:01Speaker 05

  To this day.

• 22:02Speaker 04

  Forty something years later.

• 22:03Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 22:03Speaker 04

  They cannot, they don't want to be in the same room with each other. They don't want to talk nice about each other.

• 22:07Speaker 05

  God.

• 22:07Speaker 04

  Never, uh, never talked. I think they were at, they saw each other when we had like the kids, like they see each other in the waiting room.

• 22:14Speaker 05

  And it's so awkward. They're like, hey, hey. Hey, you piece of shit, good for nothing.

• 22:19Speaker 04

  I'll never forget.

• 22:20Speaker 05

  But yeah, yeah.

• 22:21Speaker 04

  I'll never forget.

• 22:22Speaker 05

  I'll never forget.

• 22:23Speaker 04

  Uh, and it wasn't even like a bad breakup in the sense that it wasn't nothing too egregious. They just don't, didn't like each other.

• 22:30Speaker 05

  She's just like, I took my shit and I left. I didn't need anything from him.

• 22:34Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 22:34Speaker 05

  And I'm like, wow, mom.

• 22:36Speaker 04

  My mom was like, mm-mm, I don't want no child support. You can keep the house. I'm gone. Like that's, that was her thing. Obviously that's also very different than a lot of California divorces too. But they didn't, uh, they didn't, they, they still haven't talked. They didn't talk back then. I wish, uh, for sure that they could have consciously uncoupled. I mean, could have been friends because it's such a bad example to your children. That you can't even get along with the person that you made them with.

• 23:06Speaker 05

  I know. Did that make you feel really bad as a kid? Do you remember like feeling sad about that or weird about it?

• 23:12Speaker 04

  I, not so much. I think, and I'm not gonna put words in his mouth, but I think my, my brother, uh, Chris, uh, might have had trouble with, I don't know.

• 23:21Speaker 05

  Absorbed it differently.

• 23:22Speaker 04

  And every kid is different, how they absorb it. Uh, but it was also, we were, we were pretty young, so it was normal. That's what I'm saying. I think to have that example of you can cut off somebody completely.

• 23:34Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 23:34Speaker 04

  That you had love for before and created a family with, and now you can't even be in the same room. You can't even talk to him. You can't say anything nice about him. Uh, that's, that's, uh, that's, I, it's a poor example. It's a poor example.

• 23:49Speaker 05

  It's a poor example. So I mean, like it's kind of just so cool how far we've come from that. Because I feel like most people that I, that we know of, don't want to hate each other. Like making a conscious effort to try and not hate the person you're divorcing. It's like a real thing happening now and it's, it's pretty amazing.

• 24:08Speaker 04

  Well, shit has evolved too. I mean, people, the, the, the whole, you know, the whole thing is culturally, everything has been shaken up.

• 24:15Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 24:16Speaker 04

  Shaken up, shaken up, shaken up.

• 24:17Speaker 05

  Shaken up.

• 24:17Speaker 04

  Shaken up. Uh, and for, for better, I think.

• 24:20Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 24:20Speaker 04

  I mean, look at the, like the me too stuff, like that stuff needs to be called out.

• 24:24Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 24:24Speaker 04

  Stuff that went on, there, there's certain words that were from the eighties that you can't say anymore. Uh, you know what I mean? And it's just no more like bullying is a thing of the past. Like stuff was not, it's just really rare that, that you can be a bully anymore. And I, I got bullied. I got my ass bullied as a kid when I was in eighth grade.

• 24:41Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 24:42Speaker 04

  All the, all the football fans out there probably know that story, but

• 24:45Speaker 05

  There's still bullies out there. They just do it different ways. What do you mean? There's the more, there are so many more bullies now than there ever were before. Like all those like O'Doyle rules, like

• 24:54Speaker 04

  Yeah, but that's online bullying.

• 24:56Speaker 05

  Billy Madison friggin', you know, bullies from the nineties and eighties. It's, it's literally just so much worse now because everyone gets to hide behind a computer screen.

• 25:05Speaker 04

  It's a computer screen. I get, I don't know, maybe it, I'm from a different era. Like you can say whatever the hell you want. Like, right. Like even on our show, we did a couple, whatever, you were telling me somebody had something negative to say about me after I said something on the show here. And I'm like, I don't give a shit. Say whatever you want. I don't, I, I won't read it probably.

• 25:22Speaker 05

  I won't read it.

• 25:23Speaker 04

  And I don't care. I don't care. And I think

• 25:25Speaker 05

  That's a good way to be.

• 25:26Speaker 04

  That's what I try to tell my kids, but I guess it's harder for a little kid to, to understand that. But, but getting back to the conscious uncoupling.

• 25:32Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 25:33Speaker 04

  We have, we know some people, I don't know them. I've heard the story. A friend of ours told us about a friend of theirs that they had a conscious uncoupling ceremony.

• 25:44Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 25:45Speaker 04

  And they said it was, everybody was crying and it was the most beautiful thing, like the family and the kids.

• 25:49Speaker 05

  Right.

• 25:50Speaker 04

  And the now divorced couple were holding hands and talking about how much they loved each other and appreciate each other. And everybody in the crowd, they did it like a ceremony, like a fricking where they invited friends, the close friends.

• 26:02Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 26:02Speaker 04

  To conscious uncouple.

• 26:04Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 26:04Speaker 04

  And I thought that's some, I told my mom about that and she was like, what?

• 26:08Speaker 05

  Your mom is like, what the hell?

• 26:11Speaker 04

  Uh, I go, I go, mom, you wanna do one of them ceremonies with that, with my dad now?

• 26:16Speaker 05

  It's time. Forty years later, Judy, it's time to have a ceremony. Unbelievable.

• 26:21Speaker 04

  But I think that's a beautiful thing. I think it's a beautiful, don't you?

• 26:23Speaker 05

  I think it's a beautiful, I always told you, like if we ever split up in amicably a divorce, which of course we eventually, I'd probably like hate you for a second, but then I'd get over it, probably want to move five houses down and like come over for dinner every now and then.

• 26:35Speaker 04

  I'm all for it too. Cause my, uh, my grandmother, uh, and my grandpa, when I was a kid, my granddad, my granddad. They were friends. He'd be over at the house.

• 26:47Speaker 05

  Really?

• 26:48Speaker 04

  Uh, hanging and she was remarried to my other grandfather, Willie. And they would, they would all be there hanging out, telling jokes, being cool.

• 26:58Speaker 05

  I think that's great.

• 26:59Speaker 04

  So it was fine. And by the way

• 27:00Speaker 05

  It's great.

• 27:01Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 27:02Speaker 05

  And by the way, like gosh, how lucky are we that we get to have a blended family where everyone gets along?

• 27:06Speaker 04

  Sure.

• 27:06Speaker 05

  Like I'm like such good friends with Lauren and we, we get me, it all works out and all the kids are so happy. Like it's a win, win, win, win across the board.

• 27:15Speaker 04

  Absolutely. It makes it so much better for the kids.

• 27:20Speaker 04

  Nico, I don't want to put words in his mouth, but I think he was like, or, or I can tell, put it this way, that he appreciates it.

• 27:28Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 27:28Speaker 04

  That, hey, I can go somewhere with my mom and my dad and my stepmom and my stepdad.

• 27:36Speaker 05

  And we're like best friends. We're just all getting along.

• 27:38Speaker 04

  On vacations together. Like how cool for that kid.

• 27:40Speaker 05

  I know.

• 27:41Speaker 04

  Like it's such a good thing. And because that's, and I know that's rare. And I know a lot of people out there are probably like, that's some weird shit. Like you guys, I, I would never do anything like that. But it, it, I think each case by case.

• 27:52Speaker 05

  Case by case, but I think that like the kids are the ones who benefit the most, truly.

• 27:57Speaker 04

  Kids, it's for the kids. That's what it is. You selfish. I, I think it's incredibly selfish for a parent to do that. Unless something egregious like crazy happen, then yeah, cut them off. Don't talk to them ever again.

• 28:08Speaker 05

  Right. Unless this person is a

• 28:09Speaker 04

  If it's a normal divorce.

• 28:10Speaker 05

  A toxic human being. That's very different. Like if you're just a toxic person that all, and nothing like positive comes from your existence in my life, I can't, like, then it's a no. But other than that, I don't see why we couldn't like have a family dinner every now and then, or like when the kids are in town, like just all get together. Like that's, that's the effort that should be made when you have kids.

• 28:31Speaker 04

  Yeah. And I will say this about my mother with my father, my, my father was bitter. My mom's the one who wanted the divorce.

• 28:41Speaker 04

  So my father was bitter because I don't, he did not want a divorce. So he was more, more on the angry side. He was the one who would not talk shit, but he would, he would allude that she's not a very nice person or whatever it is in his own way. My mother never, my mom would say the same thing, actually probably more than him, but she was always very, yeah, very, very, you respect your father.

• 29:05Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 29:05Speaker 04

  You, you, you call your dad.

• 29:08Speaker 05

  That's great.

• 29:08Speaker 04

  Make sure he's okay, stuff like that. Uh, still to this day, she'll be like, have you talked to your dad? And I'm like, uh, no, I haven't talked to him in like a couple of weeks.

• 29:15Speaker 05

  That goes a long way. That goes a long way.

• 29:16Speaker 04

  So I think there's always main, if you're a divorced couple out there or divorced parent, um, you need to make sure that your children are respecting the other, your, your ex spouses. Person.

• 29:30Speaker 05

  Absolutely, absolutely.

• 29:32Speaker 04

  Non-negotiables that I had when we first started dating with you. I think everybody has non-negotiables. That's what it can be a little confusing.

• 29:43Speaker 05

  Well, you certainly didn't want to be with anybody as short as I I am.

• 29:47Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 29:48Speaker 05

  You guys, every time Tony sees like a tall athletic girl or like a professional athlete, a female professional athlete, he's always like, there she is. That's who I should have, that's who I should have bred with. And I'm always like, rude.

• 30:02Speaker 04

  Well, that's because my our son, River.

• 30:04Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 30:06Speaker 04

  Who is like, would you have, why did you have kids with her? She's so small, she's so small. And he's he's like five eleven, six foot, and I don't know if he's gonna get much taller than that. And and same thing with Nico, he's like maybe six foot. But he's still tall, but they were like.

• 30:19Speaker 05

  What a thing to say about your own mother. Guy, you wouldn't be here. So rude.

• 30:24Speaker 04

  I know, obviously, he's joking.

• 30:26Speaker 05

  So what are your non, what, do you have any different like kinds of non-negotiables that you had maybe back when you were dating that are kind of like you've let go now? When you met me, you were like, ah, that's sort of what I used to tell myself when I was young. I wasn't gonna date a girl like this, wasn't gonna date a girl like that.

• 30:40Speaker 04

  I know, I always told myself I was, I wanted like an, like a big athletic, I thought I'd get married to an athlete.

• 30:46Speaker 05

  Like a Serena Williams.

• 30:47Speaker 04

  Division one type, you know, basketball player or volleyball or whatever tennis, some, some.

• 30:53Speaker 05

  Like your high school girlfriend was.

• 30:54Speaker 04

  Yeah, like my high school girlfriend was. Like she was a D one basketball player.

• 30:57Speaker 05

  And then you had kids with two little Latina girls. Sorry.

• 31:02Speaker 04

  I know. Um, yeah, but as far as person, yeah, I guess there's, I I want somebody who's always, non-negotiable is, is someone that's always happy. I want somebody very, very bubbly, like, like in a good mood, like always down to do stuff. I don't, and the reason is you kind of want somebody that kind of can swing a little bit opposite. I, I think I could eas, no, I don't, actually, that's not true.

• 31:26Speaker 05

  What?

• 31:27Speaker 04

  You don't think I could, I could I easily be a homebody and stay home and not do anything? I don't.

• 31:31Speaker 05

  No, you'd be so sad.

• 31:32Speaker 04

  Yeah, I don't, I don't think that's my personality, but you know, sometimes you try to get somebody to balance you out, to take you out of your comfort zone.

• 31:40Speaker 05

  I think I do that.

• 31:41Speaker 04

  To fill in that other piece of you.

• 31:42Speaker 05

  I think that's the, that's how you find a good partner.

• 31:44Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 31:45Speaker 05

  But I think a non-negotiable is finding someone that like balances you out and is that a non-negotiable? I feel like a non-negotiable is more like something you don't put up with. Like I am not putting up with that. That's my non-negotiable. You're talking about like.

• 31:56Speaker 04

  Well, a negative attitude is a non-negotiable, like somebody doesn't take, take stuff too damn seriously too. Like, don't take yourself so damn seriously.

• 32:03Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 32:04Speaker 04

  Like you better be able to laugh at every, laugh at this thing called life because it's, it's funny. And it's the only way to get through it. It's the only way to get through it.

• 32:13Speaker 05

  Amen.

• 32:13Speaker 04

  And so you need somebody who's gonna be able to laugh easily and laugh at the situation, don't hold grudge, and stuff like that. I mean, not, non-negotiable.

• 32:20Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 32:21Speaker 04

  I need somebody who, who, yeah, who likes to travel. I mean, there's all this.

• 32:26Speaker 05

  You're, you're, you're non-negotiable is where she, she can't be like too serious, take herself too seriously. And she, and you weren't gonna be with somebody who was not flexible, not, not easy to sort of like go with the flow type person.

• 32:40Speaker 04

  I think, and I want to hear your non-negotiables before I ask this next question.

• 32:44Speaker 05

  Okay. Well, my, my non-negotiables were probably, again, addiction. That was like, you know, and uh, somebody I dated, turn, like ended up becoming an addict while I was with him. And so that was like, I had to, I knew I had to run as fast as I could.

• 33:00Speaker 04

  And you should run. That's good advice to anybody out there.

• 33:01Speaker 05

  Yeah, and so it was definitely that. And then it was also, I think, I didn't want to fight dirty because I also grew up with a lot of domestic violence. Like I, all the things that you could ever grow up with that were, are awful, I experienced and, and yet we somehow find ourselves in those exact predicaments because it's almost as if we like can't see them or like we're comfortable with people with symptoms of those things. So I had to sort of retrain my brain on like what I was going to set a very, draw a very, very serious line in the sand about. I was like, this is, I will not date someone like this. I will not date somebody that shows any signs of, you know, violence or addiction or, and you say that like obviously you wouldn't, but it,

• 33:46Speaker 05

  you gotta pay close attention when you grow up in a house full of those things. You gotta play, pay extra close attention. Because you tend to not notice it if you grew up with it around you and you're familiar with it.

• 33:57Speaker 04

  I think a lot of relationships, I mean, relationships percentage wise, ninety eight percent of them, you're gonna, you're gonna end up break, well, uh, you're gonna end up breaking up eventually, right?

• 34:09Speaker 05

  Yeah, what is the percentage of marriage and relationships and divorce?

• 34:13Speaker 04

  It's over half are gonna end in divorce and how many of those half are, are gonna actually be happy marriages. Uh, I think we've, I don't know, this is going off subject a little bit, but I think it relates to non-negotiables. I think people would avoid a lot of eventual divorce if you really stuck to your guns about what is a non-negotiable in the first place. I believe, and I believe there's always little signs you can see when you're dating somebody that you're like, oh shit.

• 34:44Speaker 05

  Yes, but again, if you grew up with it in your household, you tend not to notice them as easily. So you have to be so dialed in to like, okay, is this person showing any signs of X, Y, and Z? And when you're in love and you're just like in the moment, you just tend to sort of like.

• 35:00Speaker 04

  That's what I'm saying. You can't be blinded by the light. Don't be blinded by, by the love light.

• 35:04Speaker 05

  Or by, or be dickmatized.

• 35:06Speaker 04

  Or.

• 35:07Speaker 05

  Right, that happens.

• 35:09Speaker 04

  Okay, yeah, that too.

• 35:15Speaker 04

  I'll give you an example.

• 35:16Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 35:16Speaker 04

  I was uh, driving with a girl I was dating and she had uh, cut herself on an arm or something. I don't know what happened. Like a little, she's got a little tiny scab, nothing big or whatever.

• 35:25Speaker 05

  Not cut herself, but.

• 35:26Speaker 04

  No, it was a previous, like she, I don't know, she bumped into something on the wall, whatever, nail was sticking out or whatever. It's just a little, little scratch.

• 35:31Speaker 05

  This is the girl you're dating.

• 35:32Speaker 04

  This girl I'm dating. So we're driving down, we've been dating for a little bit. We're starting to, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend.

• 35:37Speaker 05

  God forbid.

• 35:39Speaker 04

  And uh, I was joking with her and she goes, oh yeah, it kind of hurts a little bit like that. And so I like touch it and she goes, no, don't do that, don't do that, like laughing a little bit. And I'm playing, now we're in play mode. And I'm like, okay, and I touch it again. I'm like, yeah, and I, and I touch the, the scab again. And she face goes numb and she freaks the damn hell out and goes, don't, what did I tell you? I told you not to touch it.

• 36:02Speaker 05

  Like.

• 36:02Speaker 04

  Listen to me when I tell you, no, stop doing that. And I'm like, okay, and I'm like, I would like, mental note, done. Like literally, it's over.

• 36:11Speaker 05

  You pulled out your checklist and you go, nope.

• 36:14Speaker 04

  No, literally, it's over. And I'm like, cause I'm like, whoa, you just took it way too serious. I, and I get, okay, maybe.

• 36:20Speaker 05

  Well, even if she, even if, but even if you were playing too much, she shouldn't have gone there. I was just like, oh shit, she's willing to go there in this scenario. Imagine if you actually pissed her off about something serious. It's like, what, what is she gonna do?

• 36:33Speaker 04

  And that's somebody like, so a non-negotiable to me is like stop taking that red flags. And I believe you gotta look for those red flags. I'm looking for them, actually. That's not with you. I was looking for them. Um, and maybe somebody will say that's the wrong way to go about a relationship, but I'm looking for a reason to get out of this.

• 36:52Speaker 05

  That's so fucked up, but.

• 36:54Speaker 04

  But I think it's a good way to look at it, no?

• 36:55Speaker 05

  I mean, I get what you're, you're doing or what you're trying to do and it obviously worked.

• 37:00Speaker 04

  So have your non-negotiables and stick to them. And when you see it, like you, like you gotta be able to take a mental note and go, okay, we've only been together for six months, eight months. Like what do you think's gonna happen five, six years from now?

• 37:12Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 37:13Speaker 04

  Or if you, like little stuff like uh, like exercise, somebody could be like, hey, I want somebody who's gonna be exercising, who's staying in shape, who's active, all that type of stuff. And if you see somebody who likes to, you know, week in and week out, they sitting around, you know, watching TV or would rather, you know, take the escalator instead of the stairs or something.

• 37:32Speaker 05

  Every time I'm in the goddamn airport and you look at me with the utter disgust while you take the stairs and I take the escalator, I want to wring your neck.

• 37:41Speaker 04

  It's just a, it's just a big speech though.

• 37:43Speaker 05

  No, no, no, this, you guys listening, this is dead ass. He will take the stairs and carry his carry on. Well, I also have a carry on and a duffel and he looks at me with utter disgust when I choose to take the escalator.

• 37:55Speaker 04

  Joking with you.

• 37:56Speaker 05

  Kind of joking, kind of serious, but you walk up those stairs with like a, I am better than you. And it is like a thing. And I'm like, get over yourself.

• 38:06Speaker 04

  Anyway, stick to your non-negotiable, throw the red flag, if, if, notice them. Okay, get out, you know, do yourself a favor. Do that future self a favor when you, when you see some stuff uh, that are non-negotiables, you gotta stick to them and go, okay, hey, we, this, this is not gonna work. I would love to hear some non-negotiables from people.

• 38:24Speaker 05

  I would love to hear some people's non-negotiables too.

• 38:26Speaker 04

  And, and have they stuck to them? Cause you would avoid a lot of heartache later, I think, if you can, and no relationships aren't perfect anyway. They're still gonna drive you crazy.

• 38:39Speaker 06

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• 39:09Speaker 02

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• 39:54Speaker 02

  Based on analysis by UCLA of Speedtest Intelligence Data 1H 2026.

• 40:00Speaker 01

  If you've been putting off car shopping because it sounds like a whole thing, I get it. Life moves quickly. There's already plenty to do. And personally, I really like when things are clear and easy. So here's a little tip. Buying your car online on AutoTrader makes the whole process way easier. I mean, really. And you don't have to choose between shopping online and going to the dealership. With AutoTrader, you can start online, then head to a dealer for a test drive and finish wherever works best for you. So flexible, so convenient, and honestly, so recommended. And your information stays with you, so you're not starting over every time you take the next step. Plus, you're working with local dealers,

• 40:44Speaker 01

  so there are real people there to help you when you need them. And when you're ready, you can pick up your car or have it delivered. Life just got easier. You're welcome. Buy your car online on AutoTrader. Really.

• 41:01Speaker 05

  So I just watched The Real Housewives. I've been watching The Real Housewives of...

• 41:06Speaker 04

  Oh, really?

• 41:07Speaker 05

  Shocker, I know. Yeah, everyone calm down. Nothing new here, nothing to see. The Real Housewives of New York, the season is back, okay? And they have a lot of the same girls, but some of them are new. And one of the new women, I'm curious to know your thoughts, has a, how do the French call it? A portegichet or portegichard? Anyway, she has a separate apartment in New York City from her husband. And in said apartment, she almost lives like this, like, second sort of life where she's allowed to date other women. So like, she has this lavender marriage. What are your thoughts on? And she's older, right? She'd probably been married for a long time.

• 41:51Speaker 05

  Maybe this is like a fun little second half of life situation. Like, what do you think of that? I'm not asking to do this, just FYI.

• 42:01Speaker 04

  You're trying to tell me something? What do you mean lavender? It's called a lavender relat...

• 42:06Speaker 05

  This is what they call it when people have sort of like a, I don't know, fluid marriage, if you will.

• 42:13Speaker 04

  Fluid?

• 42:13Speaker 05

  Yeah, where it's like anything sort of goes.

• 42:15Speaker 04

  Anything goes?

• 42:17Speaker 05

  Pretty much.

• 42:18Speaker 04

  It's a, it's a, like a, like a sex den? Like for...

• 42:22Speaker 05

  It's not a sex den. It's just like her own little apartment, not a sex den. Her own little place where she does her own little thing. And, you know, some people have their like,

• 42:33Speaker 05

  I don't know, like a place where only they go and they can still...

• 42:36Speaker 04

  I know, it sounds like some weird shit, but...

• 42:38Speaker 05

  Right.

• 42:39Speaker 04

  I know a lot of people out there are with me right now. They're like, what the hell?

• 42:41Speaker 05

  Right.

• 42:42Speaker 04

  What are we talking about here?

• 42:43Speaker 05

  So, so the answer is...

• 42:45Speaker 04

  It sounds crazy to me.

• 42:46Speaker 05

  You think it sounds absolutely insane. Right?

• 42:48Speaker 04

  Yeah, batshit crazy. Like, why? Nothing against the person to do it. I'm not familiar, it's foreign to me right now. So I, I don't, I don't understand that at all. Maybe she was married before and she's got a new husband and, and she's kind of like, this is what I'm gonna do the second time around so I can have my peace. And get away from people?

• 43:07Speaker 05

  As you say, Tony, it says, "Every lover needs a holiday." Right?

• 43:11Speaker 04

  Yeah, far away.

• 43:12Speaker 05

  Far away. And you always say that when we...

• 43:14Speaker 04

  Maybe she's on to something here. I don't know, is it working out though?

• 43:18Speaker 05

  She seems very happy.

• 43:19Speaker 04

  And he's okay with it?

• 43:20Speaker 05

  But she's like bringing dates out, like women out.

• 43:22Speaker 04

  Oh, she's also dating other people in it too.

• 43:24Speaker 05

  She's dating other women. But only women, I think.

• 43:26Speaker 04

  Only women?

• 43:27Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 43:29Speaker 04

  A little playhouse. Little...

• 43:32Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 43:33Speaker 04

  Little shack. Little love shack.

• 43:35Speaker 05

  Love shack.

• 43:36Speaker 04

  For the, for...

• 43:39Speaker 04

  Look.

• 43:40Speaker 05

  So...

• 43:41Speaker 04

  Different strokes.

• 43:42Speaker 05

  Right.

• 43:42Speaker 04

  For different folks.

• 43:43Speaker 05

  I think it's, I think it's absolutely insane.

• 43:46Speaker 04

  Yeah, it sounds crazy to me.

• 43:47Speaker 05

  And I think it could work for like 0.01% of people, but I see, she seems very happy and it seems to be working for her, so...

• 43:54Speaker 04

  Go for it then.

• 43:55Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 43:56Speaker 04

  But I think you got, that's something that's interesting too, like,

• 44:01Speaker 04

  we have, we have had situations, but I think this is different because you're talking about it's a place, is it specifically for dating? Or is it, or is dating just a small component of it? Or is it more like a place like I need, when I need a break, I need to get away? Because our relationship, we have that built in where I have my job and I'm on a plane and I leave for two, three days.

• 44:21Speaker 05

  And it's wonderful.

• 44:21Speaker 04

  And I go to a hotel.

• 44:22Speaker 05

  And you love it and I love it.

• 44:23Speaker 04

  And I love it.

• 44:24Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 44:24Speaker 04

  And you love it too, right? Yeah, because we need like, we need a little break. And you're like, look, I'm around your ass every single day.

• 44:29Speaker 05

  Right.

• 44:29Speaker 04

  And, and let's, let's keep it fresh and keep it brand new. If it's for that reason,

• 44:35Speaker 04

  then she might have beyond to something. Of course, that's the ultra, obviously she's got some cash.

• 44:40Speaker 05

  Yeah, she's definitely got some cash.

• 44:42Speaker 04

  Who's got an extra house in, in New York City?

• 44:44Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's the dating component that I think is like the weirdest, right? And, and not just like privately dating, like openly dating other women. Like, which I feel like would rub a lot of people the wrong way. Or your partner the wrong way.

• 44:56Speaker 04

  There's people out there, I mean, there's that sex. That's obviously not the normal way.

• 44:59Speaker 05

  There's someone for everyone.

• 45:00Speaker 04

  But people, yeah, I think like open relationships, um, people definitely do that. And it, and it works for some people.

• 45:07Speaker 05

  Great.

• 45:08Speaker 04

  Works for people.

• 45:09Speaker 05

  Well, there's another woman on the show who is currently going through divorce, which on a previous, on all her, her previous shows, where she's been a New York housewife for, I don't know, like three years or something, she's been like claiming how happy she is, how amazing her marriage is. We'll come to find out, her husband and her are split. They're separating. And it's because he doesn't make any money.

• 45:31Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 45:32Speaker 05

  Mm-hmm. That is a lot of people's non-negotiable.

• 45:36Speaker 04

  That's a non-negotiable.

• 45:37Speaker 05

  That's a non-negotiable.

• 45:39Speaker 04

  And I think that's a, if that's your non-negotiable, good for you. I, I, I hear it. You know?

• 45:45Speaker 05

  I can't, I can't...

• 45:47Speaker 04

  He doesn't make any money, well, he doesn't, the money that she wants, like, her lifestyle, she's like, I need to be rich, she wants to be rich, wealthy.

• 45:56Speaker 05

  I mean, who doesn't? But I just mean like she is saying that I think, I think she's just exhausted by carrying the family. And I can understand that. But I do know a lot of, I do know women, not a lot of women, but I do know women who are happy to be the ones that work and let the husband stay home. So, but like in her case, she's like, no. So that's like a sort of, I don't know. I think going into the relationship, well, going into our relationship, you knew you were gonna be bringing home the bacon.

• 46:22Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 46:22Speaker 05

  And I was gonna be cooking it.

• 46:24Speaker 04

  Sure. That's right. That's right.

• 46:28Speaker 05

  AKA spending it. I'm just kidding, no, I'm just kidding.

• 46:32Speaker 04

  No, she's not, no, she's not. And that's fine. I think as, that's the role I wanted to play anyway, though.

• 46:38Speaker 05

  But I think finances are something you have to discuss before getting into a relationship. And if like, it is understood that like, I'm the provider, I'm the one going to work every day, it's hard to switch those roles once you get like deeper into the relationship and then expect it to work out.

• 46:53Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 46:54Speaker 05

  So...

• 46:54Speaker 04

  Especially as a man too, I could see for most men where if it can be, it can be emasculating if the woman is making more money than you.

• 47:04Speaker 05

  You always tell me you, you can't wait for me to make more money than you.

• 47:07Speaker 04

  I would love it.

• 47:08Speaker 05

  You're like, get it, girl.

• 47:09Speaker 04

  Go for it.

• 47:10Speaker 05

  I know. I actually love that about you. It's like, I think if I did make more money than you, which, let's be honest, probably never happen, but I feel like you'd be like, get it. You'd be so happy for me.

• 47:20Speaker 04

  Go for it.

• 47:20Speaker 05

  I don't think it would emasculate you at all.

• 47:22Speaker 04

  We, we have a friend who, who had that situation and it's...

• 47:26Speaker 05

  And her husband's so dope and so cool.

• 47:28Speaker 04

  Dope, fine, and still masculine. And still the masculine one.

• 47:31Speaker 05

  Totally.

• 47:31Speaker 04

  Still controlling all the stuff.

• 47:32Speaker 05

  Yeah, so there's a way to do it.

• 47:33Speaker 04

  And she's okay with that. She's like, please, you're the, you're still the man.

• 47:38Speaker 05

  Totally, be the man.

• 47:39Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 47:40Speaker 05

  Yeah, I just think that's something that you have to like sort of figure out before you go into the relationship. And make sure you hold up your end of the bargain. Like if you, if it was decided and you went into it with being the breadwinner, then you should probably keep that going.

• 47:52Speaker 04

  Well, stuff happens too. We don't, I don't know this show.

• 47:55Speaker 05

  And stuff does happen.

• 47:55Speaker 04

  If you got fired or the stock market's not working anymore.

• 47:58Speaker 05

  It's hard to get a job.

• 47:59Speaker 04

  Interest rates and all that, yeah.

• 48:01Speaker 05

  I do think you owe it to your spouse to fight, fight for your relationship. And I think, you know, you owe it to fight for what, in whatever situation. You owe it to your kids, you owe it to each other. But like, once it's like sort of just... Sometimes you can just lose your attraction to someone too if they're not holding up their end of the bargain, not just financially, but in any way, like whether it be a love language, or just time spent, or whatever, you can sort of just drift apart. And then all of a sudden, you find yourself like wanting to separate.

• 48:30Speaker 04

  Yeah, and it's always small at the beginning.

• 48:31Speaker 05

  I know.

• 48:32Speaker 04

  Divorce, that's why it's so common. The marriage in general, it's just, it's the most difficult thing you could ever do.

• 48:38Speaker 05

  But what do you think about her hiding it with, like in front of all like her friends and everybody on the show? She wasn't talking about any troubles in her relationship.

• 48:46Speaker 04

  She was saying it was all good.

• 48:47Speaker 05

  She was kinda hating on other women, but you know, about their relationship. Meanwhile, she's like, I'm going through it myself, but you know, I think that happens a lot though, actually. When I think about it, I feel like it's just projection.

• 49:00Speaker 04

  Projection, yeah, you don't wanna look weak, you don't wanna look like you're, you don't wanna be embarrassed. It's embarrassing too. It would be absolutely, if you and I had to get a divorce, that would be, I would be, I'd be a little embarrassed.

• 49:13Speaker 05

  Totally.

• 49:14Speaker 04

  And I'd also feel like, oh, I couldn't make it work.

• 49:15Speaker 05

  A failure.

• 49:16Speaker 04

  And you wanna fight and make it work as long as you can.

• 49:19Speaker 05

  You do.

• 49:20Speaker 04

  And maybe they did fight, maybe, maybe she had been telling him for years, like, look, you don't, I need some, some money. Go get it. And he's saying no.

• 49:29Speaker 05

  She said.

• 49:29Speaker 04

  And I can't do it.

• 49:30Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 49:30Speaker 04

  And you lose respect.

• 49:32Speaker 05

  So I gotta go back to this woman who's in the lavender marriage. She is on national television, Real Housewives of New York City. And she tells this story, and this is probably why she's on the show, but she's telling a story about how she's hooking up with a woman. And she has these gigantic boobs. And she goes, and this woman with these gigantic tits, they're in my face and they're so big, she breaks my nose and I gotta go to the ER. And I'm dripping blood, all this stuff, and I'm like, she's telling the story openly at like a function, like a classy function. Like this woman is outrageous. I cannot wait to like, keep watching this woman. I mean, there's a reason why she's going to be a hit on this show.

• 50:12Speaker 04

  That's never happened to me and I don't, I don't know anybody.

• 50:14Speaker 05

  I'm actually shocked that's never happened to you.

• 50:19Speaker 04

  First of all, it's impossible.

• 50:20Speaker 05

  It's impossible.

• 50:21Speaker 04

  She chipped her tooth on the boob?

• 50:22Speaker 05

  Not chipped her tooth, broke her nose.

• 50:24Speaker 04

  Oh, broke her nose?

• 50:24Speaker 05

  Chipped her tooth. What the hell?

• 50:28Speaker 04

  She broke her nose.

• 50:31Speaker 04

  She's, that's exaggerating. It's not real.

• 50:33Speaker 05

  It's real.

• 50:34Speaker 04

  She's joking.

• 50:34Speaker 05

  No, she's dead ass.

• 50:35Speaker 04

  She can't be serious.

• 50:36Speaker 05

  I swear, she is. She's dead serious.

• 50:39Speaker 04

  That's a joke.

• 50:40Speaker 05

  Okay, to wrap up this episode, do not start yawning on me, I'll kill you. To wrap up this episode, I'm gonna ask you some questions. It's like a this or that sort of game. It's date night or family night sort of vibes, okay? So go with it.

• 50:53Speaker 04

  Okay, let's do it.

• 50:54Speaker 05

  Kids' activity or spouse's important event? This goes back to, do you put your spouse before your kids?

• 51:03Speaker 04

  Spouse's important event.

• 51:05Speaker 05

  That's right, you better say that.

• 51:06Speaker 04

  Right.

• 51:06Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 51:07Speaker 04

  Well, I think it's an easy, do we have an explanation or just go?

• 51:10Speaker 05

  By the way, who wants to go to a kids' activity? Eh, no. Okay, couples' trip without the kids, is it necessary or selfish?

• 51:18Speaker 04

  Uh, I think.

• 51:19Speaker 05

  You don't even have to think about it.

• 51:22Speaker 05

  Necessary.

• 51:22Speaker 04

  Can I, can I, can I answer?

• 51:24Speaker 05

  Sorry.

• 51:24Speaker 04

  Jeez.

• 51:25Speaker 05

  I'll just be answering for you. Necessary.

• 51:28Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 51:29Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 51:29Speaker 04

  He's gonna say necessary.

• 51:31Speaker 05

  He'd like to say necessary for a thousand, Alex will take it. Necessary for a thousand.

• 51:35Speaker 04

  Yes, necessary.

• 51:36Speaker 05

  Okay, family vacation or couples' vacation?

• 51:38Speaker 04

  What do I, what do I say? Okay, I'll answer it. A family vacation or couples' vacation?

• 51:44Speaker 05

  I say both.

• 51:45Speaker 04

  Both, yeah, equal. You gotta do both. They're both so worth it. But I wouldn't call it a family vacation.

• 51:50Speaker 05

  That's right, what is it called?

• 51:51Speaker 04

  It's a family trip. It's not a vacation.

• 51:53Speaker 05

  It sure is different.

• 51:54Speaker 04

  I talked to so many people, they come back with the kid, when you go, ugh.

• 51:58Speaker 05

  You need a vacation from your vacation. Yeah. Okay, kids in your bed? Uh, or protect your marital bed?

• 52:05Speaker 04

  Obviously when they're little kids.

• 52:09Speaker 04

  I think it depends on what night. If it's sexy time, it's, yeah, no, you're not coming in tonight. Go in your room. Lock the door.

• 52:15Speaker 05

  Well, look, I think newborn babies always in the bed. I love a co-sleep situation. I did it with my kids.

• 52:21Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 52:21Speaker 05

  Love it, love it when they're little, but I do think that's like a graduation into like, we always had the rule of putting the kids in bed, like you had, they had to start in their bed.

• 52:30Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 52:30Speaker 05

  And then if they like wanted to come in at any part of the night, I would already have like a little pallet made for them on the floor that I would pull out from underneath my bed that was already made, so they could like reach up and hold my hand, or like they felt like safer in my room, but never in the bed after.

• 52:43Speaker 04

  Never allowed in the bed, yeah, but never. They were, we never let our children in the bed, next to the bed, like you said. And I think that's good. I think that's how we evolved as human beings. We all slept together as a family, family unit. And I think it's ridiculous. And by the way, my mom did this to me. Like I was not allowed to go back in there, ever. Like it was like you stay in there. I remember being so damn scared as a little kid in my room by myself. So we were like, no, you guys can come in and trust me, they will not wanna be in your room that much longer.

• 53:12Speaker 05

  I know. And enjoy it while you can. We have older kids now and we.

• 53:15Speaker 04

  I liked waking up on a, especially on a weekend or something like that, and you see the kids lying next to you. You wake up, you look over, and they're asleep.

• 53:22Speaker 05

  I know, it's the best. Okay, um, close, oh yeah, same question. Okay, so weekly date night or weekly family night? Both?

• 53:30Speaker 04

  If you can, if you can do both, yeah. It gets harder when, especially as they get older.

• 53:33Speaker 05

  Yeah, it is. Okay. Your spouse disciplines the kids differently than you, would you back them up or step in? This is, this is one where we struggle with, cause.

• 53:45Speaker 04

  I think most couples, I would say 99%.

• 53:49Speaker 05

  Back up.

• 53:50Speaker 04

  Back up.

• 53:51Speaker 05

  Yeah, you should, we should always have each other's back. I think that's, and it's not that we always do,

• 53:55Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:55Speaker 05

  but we always should. That's always the goal.

• 53:57Speaker 04

  You should, and then if you're gonna, yeah, absolutely. I think it's, unless it's egregious like that, you know, somebody's getting beaten or something like that, but.

• 54:04Speaker 05

  Right.

• 54:05Speaker 04

  I think, uh, definitely you should wait until you're alone and be like, hey, I think we can handle it better.

• 54:11Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 54:11Speaker 04

  Uh, which is hard to do. And this is where you and I have had this, had this trouble, for sure. But I'm, like, I bet every couple out there who has children right now listening has probably had that trouble.

• 54:21Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 54:21Speaker 04

  I would think.

• 54:22Speaker 05

  All right, one last question. Marriage needs to be strong for the kids to thrive, or kids can thrive even when the marriage is struggling?

• 54:29Speaker 04

  I think it takes a special kid to thrive when the marriage is struggling.

• 54:32Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 54:32Speaker 04

  Otherwise, I am all on board, like happy parents, happy kids.

• 54:35Speaker 05

  This goes back to prioritizing your spouse.

• 54:38Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:39Speaker 05

  Before your kids, because if you are not taking care of each other, you cannot be good parents. I, I'm a firm believer in that.

• 54:47Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:47Speaker 05

  So, I don't care what that woman said. I think we should put each other first, as long as, you know, we're married.

• 54:55Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:55Speaker 05

  And then if you, if we have little kids and you wanted to marry another woman, you gotta put the kids first.

• 55:00Speaker 04

  Yeah, well, that ain't happening.

• 55:01Speaker 05

  Too late. Well, this was fun. Thanks for hanging out with me.

• 55:05Speaker 04

  Yeah, it was good.

• 55:06Speaker 05

  All right. See you guys next time on New Safe Birds with October and Taylor.

• 55:16Speaker 07

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• 55:39Speaker 07

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• 55:45Speaker 01

  If you've been putting off car shopping because it sounds like a whole thing, I get it. Life moves quickly and I really like when things are clear and easy. So here's a little tip. Buying your car online on AutoTrader makes the whole process way easier. Really. Start online, then head to the dealer for a test drive and finish wherever works best for you. Your information stays with you and you're working with local dealers, so real people are there to help. So flexible, so convenient, so recommended. Buy your car online on AutoTrader. Really.

• 56:20Speaker 06

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• 56:49Speaker 03

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