441: Celtic folklore: Deerly Beloved

🗡️If at first you don't succeed, die, die again. Ian's had a hard life. That life gets even more difficult when he falls in love with a woman who is (not-so-secretly) a deer. And who makes him eat her earwax. 😈 The Creature: The Charles Mill Lake Monster This week, the state of Ohio flexes its greatest (super)natural resource: quirky cryptids. --- 📖 The Book! Myths and Legends has our first book coming out on December 1st! FOR THE KING is a comprehensive retelling of Arthurian legend, focused on humanity and written for the modern age. If you like the podcast, you'll love the book, and preorders are a massive help to us. Check it out here: https://myths.link/preorder 🔗 Links: Disclaimer: https://myths.link/441 Membership: https://www.mythpodcast.com/membership Source: https://myths.link/source Myths and Legends YouTube:https://myths.link/youtube 💬 Social: Discord: https://myths.link/discord Instagram: https://myths.link/instagram Bluesky: https://myths.link/bluesky --- 📢 Sponsors Quince: Upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers, or go to https://quince.com/legends. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK, too. Home Chef: For a limited time, Home Chef is offering my listeners 50% off and free shipping for your first box PLUS free dessert for life! Go to https://homechef.com/legends Vinted: Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep everything you earn. Mint Mobile: To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to https://mintmobile.com/legends. --- 🎵 Music Credits Salmony by Blue Dot Sessions Another Love Song from the Corner by Breakmaster Cylinder 8Bit Sadventure Time by Breakmaster Cylinder Nightwatch Beetles by Breakmaster Cylinder Sadly Here We Are Again by Breakmaster Cylinder Lessita by Blue Dot Sessions

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Quick disclaimer, this episode contains a brief depiction of domestic violence early on. Also, there's more violence in the form of kind of a lot of stabbings. Please see the post on mythpodcast.com for more info. This week, on Myths and Legends, it's a story from Celtic folklore, where we'll see that deer earwax is the cure for what ails you, if what ails you is not being alive, and that if you're on an epic quest, you might want to check your pockets, especially if you have a witch's creepy son watching you sleep. On the Creature of the Week, it's an epic showdown of Ohio cryptids, between a swamp thing that doesn't have arms and an off-brand, orange-eyed Bigfoot.

• 0:49Speaker 00

  This is Myths and Legends, episode 441, "Dearly Beloved."

• 0:58Speaker 00

  This is a podcast where we tell stories from mythology and folklore. Some are incredibly popular tales you might think you know, but with surprising origins. Others are stories that might be new to you, but are definitely worth a listen. Today, like I said, we're in Celtic folklore, Irish to be specific, but not that specific, because it's more of a fairy tale, and the story doesn't concern itself with time, place, or history of any type. We'll jump in with a young man, Ian, meeting a stranger on the road, a stranger with a curious offer that Ian probably should not accept.

• 1:47Speaker 00

  When a strange man appears out of nowhere, puts his hand on your shoulder, and offers to buy your horse for a bizarre assortment of items, you don't sell him your horse. What, just because a stranger asks for something? He might be magic, or maybe he's not magic and you just weren't paying attention? Whatever it is, don't sell your horse, especially when it isn't your horse to sell. But Ian, the son of the fisherman, who, in the months since his father drowned, had seen his mother struggle, looked up at the stranger. Each day and each month had been a slow descent into destitution. Here was something different. Here was a guy with a dog and a hawk, holding a gun, which yes, does give the negotiations

• 2:32Speaker 00

  an uncomfortable vibe, but Ian turned those negotiations on their head by offering a trade. Would the man part with his gun, dog, and hawk for the horse? "Deal," the man said, and unlooped the gun from his shoulder.

• 2:48Speaker 00

  So, yeah, Ian smiled with his mom back at their cottage later on that evening. Now we have a gun, a dog, and a hawk. Ian's mom looked at the young man. Okay, she was wondering if he thought about this at all. Did he know how to use a gun? Ian shook his head, but that was a good thing. He could learn. And you can make rounds, gunpowder too, the mother asked. Also, do you know how to hunt with a hawk? How do you know that this thing, once you take that hood off, won't immediately go for our eyes? Ian was silent, and then he said, "Well, we got a dog, too?" "Oh, those things that are everywhere, and you only need to leave a little food waste for a stray, and then

• 3:32Speaker 00

  you basically can't get them to leave?" Ian said he was sorry. "Oh, you'll be sorry, all right," the mother said, and picked up the stick.

• 3:55Speaker 00

  Ian felt the teeth in his mouth, avoiding his bulbous lip as he lay staring at the thatched roof of his home. At the very least, they were all there, the teeth, that is, and none of them were loose. His mother snored a few feet away. He was just trying to help, but Ian knew he messed up, that his mother took out her grief over his father, her rage at the world over their circumstances, and her despair over her future on his face and hands and back. But that only brought more pain into the world, not less. They were in this together, but if he was gonna make things worse with his mistakes, and she was going to make things worse with her reactions to them, then maybe they were better off

• 4:38Speaker 00

  apart. He was just trying to do something. Hope, even foolish hope, that the stranger was magic and the dog could talk and the gun could hit anything it shot and the hawk would return with gold and jewels was better than the wretchedness in which she wallowed. The dog slept on her bed, and the hawk sat hooded in the corner. Ian didn't need the dog, and he would let her figure out the hawk. As she made so clear, the gun was more a burden than a boon, so Ian looped it over his shoulder. It would be three days down the road before Ian, the swelling on his face finally retreating, realized that he

• 5:18Speaker 00

  didn't even look back on the night that he left. He also realized that he had no idea how to survive in the wild. He hadn't eaten for three days. Imagining that he had traveled far enough that the farmhouse ahead wouldn't know him or his mother, Ian approached and knocked. Hospitality was different back then. I mean, they had to be, because gun-toting strangers could knock on your door and you could let them in without a second thought. The farmer couple begged Ian to come in and share their breakfast, and while he inhaled whatever was put in front of him, the farmer made small talk. Pointing to the gun in the corner that Ian had left, the farmer said he couldn't help but notice the young man had a gun. This was fortunate indeed.

• 5:59Speaker 00

  "Oh," Ian said through a mouthful of food. "We have a deer that comes and eats my wheat, and I cannot catch it," the farmer said. "Bummer. I mean, you are in the woods, though," Ian said before guzzling the milk. The couple just looked at him. "Oh, you want me to shoot it, because I have a gun? Yes, that is something I know how to do. Mm-hmm," Ian said. "He would need to wait until night, though, so two more meals."

• 6:40Speaker 00

  "Are you sure you know how to load that thing?" the husband farmer asked. "Absolutely. Why would I have a gun if I didn't know how to load it? I'm not a failure," Ian said. All right, he tapped everything out of the muzzle. He was sure this time. It was powder first, greased cloth, and then pushed the round in with the little stick thing. "When you say 'this time,'" the man said, but decided to drop it. When everything was in, Ian pulled back the hammer and laughed. Boom. Take that, mom! The farmer and his wife looked at one another. Hmm, seemed like there was some stuff this kid needed to work through, but first, he needed to work to earn those three fairly

• 7:22Speaker 00

  expansive meals that he ate. So, that night, Ian found himself out by the man's wheat fields. Well, fields was generous. It was barely a plot, which actually made the deer's nightly incursions all that more devastating. Sometime around midnight, the wheat awash in moonlight, Ian heard leaves crunching on the forest's edge. He looked up, and it was the deer, presumably. I mean, how was he supposed to tell one deer apart from every other deer? But what he did know was that no deer was allowed here. He pulled back the hammer before remembering that he actually did, back in the house, and he had been waving a loaded, cocked gun around for hours. Maybe he really didn't know how to use this thing.

• 8:05Speaker 00

  Steady in his hand on a rock, he looked down the barrel at the woman, and wait, there, the deer. In its place, as soon as Ian aimed the gun, it was not a deer anymore, but a woman. She stood, her face glowing and framed by long, black hair, and her eyes looking right at him. Ian sat up, and she was, once again, a deer, and a deer that did what deer do. It dashed off into the woods. Flinging himself to his feet, Ian looped the gun around his shoulder and took off after her.

• 8:55Speaker 00

  As the gun bounced along Ian's back, he might have thought that there was a loaded gun bouncing along his back. But there was no time. He could barely keep up with her. Sometimes he had to simply follow the sounds of the deer. She slowed, though. As she came to a clearing and, in the moonlight, Ian saw her leap to the top of a cottage thatched with heather, sitting there among the treetops. Wind carried the whispers from the roof. And Ian heard, in the woman's voice, "Go in, Fisher's son, and eat and drink while you may." Having gotten used to eating again, Ian was actually kind of liking eating. So sure, yeah, he was feeling a little peckish. He didn't intend on shooting the deer now,

• 9:40Speaker 00

  so he may as well listen to her. He knocked on the door, but seeing as he had been invited in by the talking deer on the roof, he didn't see any issue with opening it, especially because it wasn't locked. A banked fire roared back to life when Ian piled the kindling, and it illuminated the house. Stacked with beds in the back and a wide desk against the far wall, the cottage looked like it could hold two dozen people. There was a hatch that led down to the cellar, but what interested him the most was dinner. Wine, bread, salted meat, a stew that had been heated earlier but whose pot over the fire was still hot to the touch. Ian gulped down as much food as he could and then packed in a little bit more.

• 10:24Speaker 00

  Reclining in the chair, he heard voices at the edge of the forest. "I don't know, the way I see it, we have kings, but how did a king earn the right to take stuff from us? Well, he was born to the right parents. Meanwhile, I was born to cobblers, but I'm allergic to shoes. And what am I supposed to do? Die? That's why I steal. It's a protest against society." One voice said. "Oh, not me," another guy said. "I like, I just like stealing. Killing, too, it's just so much fun." "I mean, okay, it's, I'm not so much down for the killing. What about, like, their families?" The first voice said. "Are they there? Can I kill them, too? That's my response to that objection," the second voice replied. "Oh, I just, hmm.

• 11:05Speaker 00

  I hope you're in the minority here and that we're more high-minded than that." The boss, presumably, shouted that they were not. They were all about killing and stealing for the pure thrill, and any additional reason or justifications were up to the individual thief and not required or encouraged. The first voice, just outside the door now, said that the only thing that made him feel like killing would be if someone ate his dinner. He got dangerously hangry and... The door opened, and the 20 men looked on the dinner table, bereft of food, save a few bread crusts and overly chewy fatty pieces of meat. With all the talk of killing outside, Ian had the good sense to hide. But not the good sense to hide well.

• 11:50Speaker 00

  He had ditched the chair and rolled behind a nearby cask, but it was just a cask. The fire burned and illuminated the whole of the cottage and projected the shadow of a guy huddled behind a cask. "Get him," the leader yelled, and four men stepped forward. Ian raised his gun and it clicked. It clicked and didn't fire. Oh, it turns out he didn't know how to load it. He caught a punch to the face and dropped to the floor. Still a little dazed, he heard the orders. The four men were to take him to the edge of the forest and kill him. They had an early morning the next morning with all the stealing and killing, so don't make a show of it, just get it done. They dragged Ian out to the trees,

• 12:34Speaker 00

  and the young man looked up to the roof, where the deer had sat. She was gone. This wasn't how stories ended. There was a fairy, or one of the robbers had a change of heart, or... That thought was interrupted when the robber threw Ian down hard on the ground. And, in that instant, sword out and glinting in the moonlight, Ian could see that this was how some stories ended. This was how his story would end. He wouldn't find his fortune. He wouldn't marry a princess. He was a lost young man, jumping from tragedy to tragedy while the ground crumbled beneath him, and he would die here.

• 13:17Speaker 00

  Not a hero with a grand destiny, but a nobody with nothing. The robber in front stabbed him in the chest, and pain rippled throughout Ian's body. He would have screamed, but something happened with his lungs and no sound came out. As he writhed on the ground and his vision slowly darkened, the robbers looked at him. "Did I get him? I should, should I do it again? I don't want to do it again," the stabbing robber said. "It looks like you got him. He's writhing and closing his eyes and stuff." Another one said, "That's what they do, right? You're probably good." "Probably" does not mean dead, the stabbing robber said.

• 13:59Speaker 00

  "If this guy crawled out to be revived at like a mill or something, they would be out here the following night." "Well, then, do it again," the second guy said. "Why don't you do it?" "Yeah, okay, I can't," the second guy replied. "Babies, the lot of you, I'll do it," one of the guys said, and stepped forward. Ian, through his wincing and wordless screams, could see the man grimace, but glance over his shoulder at his compatriots. He lined up the sword with where he thought Ian's heart was. Being a medieval Irish robber, his anatomy knowledge was basically where he had seen other people get stabbed and die the fastest, mouthing an "I'm sorry."

• 14:41Speaker 00

  The robber closed his eyes and extended his arm. To Ian's horror slash relief, that was the spot. The son of the Fisher died a few moments later, killed by the robbers on the edge of the forest.

• 15:07Speaker 00

  And that's it for the story. We're just all gonna sit quietly for the next several minutes and, um, just like free period now. Just whatever you have to do, just hang out and do it. It's like study hall. But that will be right after this. Everyone talks about how challenging it is to raise kids, but what about protecting them? Outlet covers, kitchen cabinet locks, baby gates? Where do you even start? Well, protecting your home and auto is a great place to start. Progressive offers customized coverage options so you can be sure you have the right coverage for you and your loved ones. They're basically the outlet covers, kitchen cabinet locks, and baby gates of insurance. Don't wait. Get your quote today at progressive.com.

• 15:52Speaker 00

  Progressive Casualty Insurance Company, affiliates, and other insurers. Not available in all states.

• 15:58Speaker 01

  Hey, I'm Niall Rogers, producer, songwriter, guitarist, and co-founder of the group Sheik. A great song has a way of defining a moment, a moment of joy, heartbreak, or anything in between. This fall, I'll be driving across the country, dropping in on some of the coolest, most fascinating artists working today. We'll go deep into their lives and careers and hear what it was like before the moment that made them. From hitmakers like Miguel...

• 16:32Speaker 02

  That last year, finishing that record was the hardest experience of my life, regardless of how everyone else buys into this. I believe in this, and I'm gonna push.

• 16:43Speaker 01

  To rising stars like Alex Warren.

• 16:46Speaker 03

  You know, a song is a story, and the verse is setting the scene. And for me, at least, it's allowing me to be personal and vulnerable with the audience, whether it's about my wife and I'm being vulnerable about her, or it's about, you know, my parents and I'm being vulnerable to them. And it's almost like a cinematic piece in a way where each song tells that beautiful story.

• 17:05Speaker 01

  It's gonna be one hell of a trip. Experience Before the Moment, a Lincoln Original Series on the iHeartRadio app, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

• 17:17Speaker 04

  This is Shirley Straberry from the Steve Harvey Morning Show. Buy smart, drive for less, and trade for more. That's Toyota affordability. And it starts with a great deal on an all-wheel-drive Camry, Corolla Cross, or a Corolla sedan with the latest features and tech. Or test drive a spacious Grand Highlander or adventure-ready RAV4. And with so many hybrid models available, you can enjoy longer trips without all the stops. While Toyota's legendary resale value means you could get more at trade-in, get a great deal today and a great value tomorrow. Shop toyota.com for deals and details. Toyota, let's go places.

• 17:58Speaker 05

  Come on and get happy with Happy GLP. At just $99 a month, Happy GLP gives you one set price every month. No tiers, no tricks. Getting started with Happy GLP is fast, convenient, and happens virtually with a licensed provider. Check it out for yourself at happylp.com. That's happylp.com. A happy price for a happier you. Compounded medications are not FDA-approved. Eligibility required and determined by a licensed provider. Individual results may vary. See website for details.

• 18:39Speaker 00

  Ian awoke with a gasp. The iron taste in his mouth was nearly matched with bitterness? The deer was above him, shaking her head, dripping her earwax? I'm gonna say deerwax into his open mouth? "You're gonna wanna eat all of that," she said, standing up straight. Ian was reluctant, but noticed that the deerwax did make him feel less stabbed, which was nice. Then he sat up. Wait, he died? He checked his chest. There was a slice in his shirt, but the skin underneath was unbroken. The deerwax had healed him. "They've gone out to do their evil deeds," the deer said.

• 19:24Speaker 00

  "Trust me, and eat as you did before, and no harm shall happen to you." With that, she bounced off into the forest. Ian had two options: leave and still be lost in the dark forest, but without the protection of the deer that had brought him back to life? Or two: go eat and trust the deer. Being dead apparently helps you to work up an appetite. Because Ian made his way back to the house in the cool of the morning. Now, Ian did trust the deer, but he wasn't a fool. After he ate as much as he could and drank even more, he dragged himself behind the cask he used to hide the night before, because that worked so well, and went to sleep.

• 20:07Speaker 00

  "Again?" he heard when he awoke to the door slamming on the far wall. "Why does this keep happening?" one of the robbers said. "We worked really hard for that food, and it was not that person's food to take. It didn't belong to them. I feel powerless and angry and, oh my gosh, is this what we've been doing to people?" Still groggy and yeah, probably hungover, Ian saw the form of a robber standing over him. "It's that kid again," the man growled. Ian sat up and gave him a little head nod. The leader of the robbers turned around and looked at the four men from the night before, remarking that they said they had killed that kid. "I got better," Ian laughed, pretty confident in the deer's promise

• 20:52Speaker 00

  that he would not come to harm. The robber sighed. "Okay, well, here's what they were gonna do." He pointed to four of the men, four different men than the night before. "They were going to go kill this kid." They grabbed Ian's shoulders and began dragging him out. The robber pointed to the four from the previous night. "As punishment, they were now on the planning committee." Yeah, they had to plan out that farm that all the robbers were gonna buy and live on together. Pointing to a third set of four men, the leader said that they were gonna go out and take notes on the plan for the farm. This confused everyone, except for a few of the men in that third set of the four. And Ian, as he was dragged out to the edge of the forest,

• 21:37Speaker 00

  to nearly the same spot as the night before, heard the assassins from the previous night talking about the farm and all the cows and chickens they were gonna buy. Things got real quiet after they talked about the rabbits eating alfalfa or something. But Ian had other things to focus on. "Hey, I'm sorry in advance for what's gonna happen," Ian smirked. "Your boss isn't gonna be too happy when I don't die. I have an pretty good authority that no harm..." Ian didn't understand what was happening when, on the first plunge of the dagger, the robber and, yeah, now murderer, found Ian's heart. Unable to scream or even speak, Ian struggled for a bit before going limp.

• 22:22Speaker 00

  The son of the fisher died a few moments later, killed by robbers on the edge of the forest. Again.

• 22:44Speaker 00

  Ian gagged on the wax as life returned to his eyes. Still, he choked it down because it beat being dead. Sitting up and looking at his twice sliced shirt, Ian glared at the deer. "You and I have very different understandings of the phrase 'no harm shall happen to you,'" Ian shouted. "Trust me and eat as you did before, and no harm shall come to you," the deer said again, and bounded off again. "Like actually no harm, or what happened last night?" "Deer? Deer?" Ian called out and sighed. Facing the same choice as the night before, Ian reasoned that he was still in the same state that he had been in the previous morning.

• 23:28Speaker 00

  So technically, no harm had come to him? Except for all the dying? So again, he walked in and ate breakfast and lunch and an early light dinner and a second heavy dinner. "Will someone tell me why the food is gone again? And why this kid is alive again?" Ian heard when he awoke that night. The bandit leader rubbed his face with his hand. "Okay," he pointed to four guys. "You four, take him out and kill him, for real this time." He pointed to a different four. "They should take the four from the previous night and do the farm thing." As Ian was led out to the now too familiar spot at the forest's edge, the guys who had murdered him the previous night

• 24:11Speaker 00

  asked how far this farm was, because the guys from the other night still weren't back. It was then that a yell went up from inside the cottage. "This is all the food we have left? It's mine!" followed by a crash. The four men with Ian looked at one another before bolting back to secure whatever food and treasure they could for themselves. And the other eight guys were rushing back too. Ian sat down. Sixteen angry murderers in a mad dash for food in their formerly shared treasure hoard. Well, after some literal backstabbing and a lot of frontstabbing too, the cottage grew quieter. Then, one man limped out, clutching an arm full of gold and jewels. Ian stood.

• 24:55Speaker 00

  Just as the man's eyes found Ian in the darkness, something emerged from his chest, a sword point. As the first man dropped, the man standing behind him glowered at Ian. It was the bandit leader. "This, all this, was this kid's fault." He threw it on his sword and raised his flintlock pistol, cocked it, and then two gunshots. The man fell over. Behind him, a severely bloodied bandit, holding a pistol of his own, dropped. Ian felt a warmth in his chest. Maybe the deer was right. Maybe he could trust her and, oh. The warmth was blood. He had been shot.

• 25:37Speaker 00

  With a loud "Seriously?" Ian dropped to the ground. Dead. Again.

• 25:56Speaker 00

  Choking to life on deerwax, Ian sat up and looked at the quiet cottage. He rose to go eat, but realized that it wasn't the next morning. In fact, the sun was still setting. He had only been dead for a few minutes. "Follow me," she said, and took off. With a groan, Ian, taking a few steps back to pocket as much gold as he could and leaving the cottage full of dead bandits, followed the deer into the forest. "Here I must leave you," the deer said, when they reached the white cottage that glowed in the darkness of night. "But tomorrow, meet me at midday in the church that is yonder." As she jumped across the stream and disappeared into the forest, Ian couldn't help but notice that her voice seemed lighter, happier.

• 26:41Speaker 00

  And Ian legitimately did not know how to spend the night. Most of the nights on his journey so far, he had spent dead, so this felt weird. Taking a deep breath and knocking on the door of the white cottage, Ian winced as it opened, waiting for a stab in the heart. "Hello?" a wizened and hunched woman asked. "Oh, hi," Ian replied. "I'm not sure if you're supposed to kill me, but if not, can I sleep here tonight?" She wasn't supposed to kill him, at least not to her knowledge. She was happy to let him stay the night. If he didn't mind sharing a bed with her son. He didn't mind. This was a different time. Think like how in Moby Dick, Ishmael and Queequeg didn't mind sharing a bed and also doing some platonic spooning.

• 27:24Speaker 00

  And actually, some quick research for this little throwaway illusion seems to indicate that it's a little more nuanced than that between the two. It was not for Ian, though. And not just because the woman's son was a thin, sickly young man about Ian's age. Or that he kept a consistent moistness about his face and body and intense stares. Or that he didn't say one word to Ian the whole night, as Ian ate and told the story about the deer and his multiple deaths in the church the next morning. The next morning, Ian awoke to the young man watching him. After getting up and dressing, Ian called around for the woman, but she was apparently gone. Since she left breakfast, if not a note, all well and good, actually, because Ian couldn't read anyway,

• 28:09Speaker 00

  he ate and left. It didn't surprise him that the thin, sickly young man watched him eat and then followed at a still creepy distance, ducking behind rocks and trees anytime Ian turned around, but still watching. Always watching.

• 28:38Speaker 00

  The last thing Ian remembered was scratching his leg on the doorway to the church. That was at noon. Why was it now dark? Sitting up and still apparently young enough where he could sleep on the floor and wake up without aches and pains that remind him of his own mortality, Ian looked around. Did he miss her? Why did he miss her? Then he heard breathing, like six inches away from his ear. He turned around and that weird, sickly lad was right there. He just sidled up next to him. Ian shrieked and jumped back. "I saw her," he half said, half breathed to Ian. "You-- she was here? What do you mean you saw her?" "She walked in. She was beautiful. Sad and beautiful.

• 29:22Speaker 00

  She tried to rouse you, but you wouldn't wake, so she had to go." The words flowed from his mouth, not unlike a fistful of live slugs. He kept looking at Ian's armpit and snickering. Ian didn't understand. Why would he sleep so easily? It didn't make sense. "My mother left a spike of hurt in the doorway to put you to sleep. I think she wanted me to speak to the beautiful woman and marry her. The beautiful woman will be back tomorrow," the creepy lad said. "Wait, what?" Ian looked up. The sickly lad neither confirmed nor denied anything, nor did he say another word that day, simply staying out of striking distance from Ian, but definitely within a distance so that Ian could hear him breathing.

• 30:04Speaker 00

  Above all, he was watching. Always watching. Ian had some money from the bandits, so he could afford to sleep in front of a fire at a local inn. Regardless, he would not be going back to the house of the elderly woman. The sickly lad, thankfully, was tossed out of the inn after ordering two waters over the course of six hours and just being a weird dude. But no one cared to stop him from staring through the windows all night. By this point, Ian was used to it. Ian woke the following day and went to church. At 7:00 PM that night, Ian woke up again on the floor of the church. Wait, again? He was careful to avoid scratching himself on the doorway, but something had pricked his hand?

• 30:47Speaker 00

  The creepy dude, likely as much of a sadist as his mother, but more low-key about it, only chuckled, saying that the woman remarked that she could come but one more time. Ian, to his credit, did try to avoid any possible, quote, "spikes have hurt," the following day. Either the elderly woman had a near prophetic understanding of human behavior, or the entryway to that church must have been mostly spikes that would put people to sleep with a touch, because Ian woke up once again at sunset. "Hi," the priest said to Ian. "I have been so lenient with you sleeping on the floor here the past few days, but your friend here has just been staring at you and laughing for like four hours now."

• 31:31Speaker 00

  "He's not my friend," Ian sat up, despairing. "I have lost her, but no, I will search the world over until I find her." "That's... okay, great," the priest said. "I don't have the history or context to understand that. And these are the Middle Ages. We all have weird, dangerous stuff going on. As long as you searching means you two leaving, then yeah, proud of you. You go to her," or whatever. The sickly lad followed Ian, laughing, until he got tired and a little hungry, which was even sooner than you'd think. And Ian was left alone, sleeping off the road that night. He thought about where to go. The world was big. But he wouldn't see her again by staying here.

• 32:16Speaker 00

  The next morning, he just chose a direction and started walking.

• 32:34Speaker 00

  "All hail Fisher's son," said she. "I know what you are seeking. Enter in and rest and eat. And tomorrow I will give you what help I can and send you on your way." Ian squinted. Who-- what? Did he know she? Her? Ah, he was so tired and hungry. "You're not like evil, are you?" Ian asked. But honestly, he could handle a little evil if it meant eating for the first time in almost a week. His feet were a bloody mess, too. He didn't know how long he had been walking, but it was long enough that Ian had completely worn through his shoes. He didn't have the money to buy more. He was pretty close to selling the gun when the strange old woman waved him down in the woods, almost calling him by name.

• 33:19Speaker 00

  "If you're evil, I'll have you know..." "I don't even care anymore," Ian said as he walked into her house. If the food was poisoned, it would at least be nice to die with a full stomach. And if the bed did a Theseus thing where it was too small and the witch cut off his head, well, closing his eyes on a feather pillow where he couldn't hear the howls of wolves seemed like a fair trade. But none of those things happened. He ate his fill, eyeing the woman with a scowl while he did so, and his exhaustion didn't tarry long enough before pulling him into oblivion for him to notice if the woman did make an attempt on his life. She didn't, and he woke up the following morning of the following morning, having slept for a day straight.

• 34:02Speaker 00

  Once again famished, he looked down at the woman rubbing his feet. "It's a salve. I don't have a thing. Well, I do, but it's not this," the woman informed him. "Oh," Ian wiggled his toes. "They actually felt way better." "I'm sorry, I was half-dead when I got here the other day. I had a bad experience with a spike that put me to sleep. I thought you were a witch," Ian said as she finished up. "Oh, I am," the witch said. "I mean, magic foot cream. I knew your identity and quest when you were walking down the road." "Oh," Ian said. "You're not gonna like eat me, are you?" "Look, witches are people. Like, people can be all over the alignment chart.

• 34:45Speaker 00

  So it goes with witches. Also, eat you? Don't be gross. You're a person, an adult, human." "We only eat lost children," the witch said, standing. Ian laughed. She didn't. After breakfast, the witch pointed toward the crossroads. If he went east there, that road would take him to the next stop on his journey: her sister's house. Rising, Ian looked around. Wait, where were his shoes? Calling what Ian had been wearing shoes was charitable at best. It was like a Batman Halloween costume where the boots just go over the tops of your feet. She had these.

• 35:25Speaker 00

  So the story tells us about the magic shoes, old brown shoes with holes all over them. And when I think about comfortable shoes with holes all over them that look like they could be cursed witch shoes-- look, I feel like the comparison to Crocs here is not unwarranted. But these Crocs were special. No, they still looked like Crocs. But Ian could pull it off. He was that age where like kids wear it and it's cool, but if I wear Crocs, I'm the dorkiest dad in Kroger. Anyway, when he made it to the witch's sister's house, he only needed to shake off the Crocs, turn the toes back towards her, and they would find their own way home. Gotta wonder if she had a power sprayer or something, though, because if you've ever worn Crocs without the socks on a long walk,

• 36:09Speaker 00

  you know, they really lock in the juices. The walk should have taken a year and a day, but Ian made it in a few hours with the magic Crocs. When he knocked on the sister's door and she answered, he took off the shoes, turned the toes back toward the first witch, and went inside.

• 36:38Speaker 00

  We'll see what Ian finds down the road, but that will, once again, be right after this. Everyone talks about how challenging it is to raise kids, but what about protecting them? Outlet covers, kitchen cabinet locks, baby gates? Where do you even start? Well, protecting your home and auto is a great place to start. Progressive offers customized coverage options, so you can be sure you have the right coverage for you and your loved ones. They're basically the outlet covers, kitchen cabinet locks, and baby gates of insurance. Don't wait. Get your quote today at progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company, affiliates, and other insurers. Not available in all states.

• 37:20Speaker 01

  Hey, I'm Niall Rogers, producer, songwriter, guitarist, and co-founder of the group Sheik. A great song has a way of defining a moment: a moment of joy, heartbreak, or anything in between.

• 37:37Speaker 01

  This fall, I'll be driving across the country, dropping in on some of the coolest, most fascinating artists working today. We'll go deep into their lives and careers and hear what it was like before the moment that made them. From hitmakers like Miguel--

• 37:54Speaker 02

  That last year, finishing that record was the hardest experience of my life, regardless of how everyone else buys into this. I believe in this, and I'm gonna push.

• 38:06Speaker 01

  To rising stars like Alex Warren--

• 38:09Speaker 03

  You know, a song is a story, and the verse is setting the scene. And for me, at least, it's allowing me to be personal and vulnerable with the audience, whether it's about my wife and I'm being vulnerable about her, or it's about, you know, my parents and I'm being vulnerable to them. And it's almost like a cinematic piece in a way where each song tells that beautiful story.

• 38:27Speaker 01

  It's gonna be one hell of a trip. Experience Before the Moment, a Lincoln Original Series on the iHeartRadio app, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

• 38:39Speaker 06

  This is Stugatz from Stugatz and Company Live. Buy smart, drive for less, and trade for more. That's Toyota affordability. And it all starts with a great deal on an all-wheel-drive Camry, Corolla Cross, or a Corolla sedan with the latest features N-Tech, or test drive a spacious Grand Highlander or adventure-ready RAV4. And with so many hybrid models available, you can enjoy longer trips without all the stops, while Toyota's legendary resale value means you can get more at TradeIn. Get a great deal today and a great value tomorrow. Shop toyota.com for deals and details. Toyota, let's go places.

• 39:17Speaker 07

  Come on and get happy with Happy GLP. Just $99 a month. Happy GLP gives you one set prices every month. No tears, no tricks. Getting started with Happy GLP is fast, convenient, and happens virtually with a license provider. Check it out for yourself at happyglp.com. Again, that's happyglp.com. A happy price for a happier you. Compounded medications are not FDA-approved. Eligibility required to determine by a licensed provider. Individual results may vary. See website for details.

• 40:01Speaker 00

  At the house of the third witch, because this is a fairy tale and, I mean, it's really followed so far that they're a three of everything. Ian took those crocs off and, once again, pointed them back the way he came. The third witch's sister invited him in, and he sat down for dinner. "Can I rub your feet?" she asked. Ian looked down, actually, he was all healed up and those gross-looking shoes were so comfortable. "Healed, yes, that's why I asked. Good," she said in a tone that did not imply it was, in fact, "good." She, the third sister, had a son, and the man came back from a hunt to sit down for dinner, as Ian shared what was going on. Like the two women before her, the third sister had no idea where Ian could find his dear, dear beloved.

• 40:46Speaker 00

  "Oh, I know who that is," the young man said. Both Ian and his mother turned. "What?" "Yeah, I'm the Keeper of Birds. I make all birds go to sleep at night. Of course I know weird stuff about, like, where deer women live." "She lives in the Kingdom Under the Waves. I can actually take you there, if you want." Ian could almost weep, he was so happy. After months on the road and many false starts and even being killed a few times, he finally knew where to go. The process for getting there was strange. The Keeper of the Birds said it involved killing a cow and making a bag from its skin, but as Ian helped him through the hours of butchering, skinning, and tanning,

• 41:29Speaker 00

  he thought that maybe this guy just wanted a steak dinner. A few days later, the bag was complete, and, while the Keeper of the Birds was doing a reverse sear on a couple of bone-in ribeyes, he told Ian to get in the bag. Ian looked at the bag. "Okay." He didn't mean to make this weird, but the Keeper of the Birds wasn't evil, was he? Ian hadn't asked in a while, and frankly, his aunt's response when he asked her if she ate children was not heartening. "Oh, she's trying to quit, if that's helpful," the mother chimed in. "It's not, no," Ian said. "Get in the bag, don't get in the bag, it doesn't matter much to me. You can do whatever you want, since you have so many options to get to the Kingdom

• 42:14Speaker 00

  Under the Waves that you definitely knew existed before I told you about it," the Keeper of Birds said. Ian looked at the bag. The man was right. "Okay." One foot, then another, entered the bag, and Ian looped the string in after him, cinching the top. Now, the Keeper of the Birds is not evil. He's not exactly lawful good, either, because I feel like when you tell someone to cinch themselves into a bag, there's something of an unspoken contract that you're gonna hold up your side of the bargain pretty immediately. I feel bad making people wait in the car for a few minutes if I have to run back in and find my wallet and phone. That being said, maybe Ian could have read the room a bit and realized that the Keeper

• 42:57Speaker 00

  of Birds, who still had to sear his steak and then let it sit and lock in the juices -- and I know I've used that phrase twice this episode in very different contexts -- anyway, maybe Ian could have waited. It was that same preoccupation with the steak that led the Keeper of Birds to completely miss that one of his own birds, an eagle, hopped in, grabbed the top of the bag, and took off with it. After the most amazing, freshest, most perfectly cooked steak the Keeper of Birds had ever eaten, the man looked at the door. There was something he was supposed to do after dinner. The third sister, his mother, pointed to where the bag sat. "Yeah, I've been trying to tell you, an eagle..."

• 43:41Speaker 00

  "Mom, please, oh my gosh, I'm trying to remember what I was supposed to do, I can't even think in this house," the Keeper of Birds said, and stormed out.

• 44:01Speaker 00

  Ian got away from the eagle pretty easily, when the bird realized he wasn't a big bag of meat and that he would fight back. So Ian found himself on an island. For the first time in almost a year, he knew where he needed to go, but he felt farther away than ever. Then, he heard the knocking. Now, I know we're in a story where women apparently turn into deer. Deer wax brings people back to life, and the nephew of two witches and the son of a third tells the birds to go to sleep at night. Suspension of disbelief is important in stories like this, but so is internal consistency. Ian seems reasonably intelligent, aware, and curious, so it's kinda hard to believe

• 44:44Speaker 00

  that he would somehow either not be aware that his beloved had slipped a box into his pocket way back in the church, when he was knocked out, or, if he was aware, that he wouldn't have opened this strange box he found on his person until he had absolutely nothing else to do, abandoned on an island. The knocking was more taps, but Ian inspected the carved wooden box, shrugged, and opened it. Three little birds hopped out, flying and flapping their wings, and Ian closed the box. Seeing as he had previously been the only living thing on this island, he was surprised to hear voices. "Good master, is there anything we can do for you?" Ian blinked. "Um, hi."

• 45:28Speaker 00

  "Hi," the bird said. It didn't have facial expressions, but seemed chipper enough. "I suppose it's hard to not seem chipper if you're a tiny chirping bird." "You serve me?" Ian asked. "Wow, is that not what 'good master' and 'is there anything we can do for thee' means?" the birds asked. "No, it's just, I..." "Then maybe stop asking stupid questions and start telling us what we should be doing, so we can get on with our lives, unless you'd like to spend some time in a box called a coffin." "Hey, did you tell him that we'd mess him up if he doesn't tell us what to do?" the second bird asked. "The first chirp that he had conveyed the message in no uncertain terms, but based on this kid's apparent intelligence, it would be sometime around February until it

• 46:12Speaker 00

  worked his way through his head." Ian marveled that the birds apparently could be not chipper, and asked if they knew where the Kingdom Under the Waves was. After several minutes of exaggerated laughter, them asking, "Oh, he's serious?" Several more minutes, two flapped up to his shoulders, and one grabbed his collar. If Ian had known the birds could lift him bodily and carry him into the sky, he might have taken their threats a little more seriously. And yeah, it's like Cinderella, the movie version, not the real one where the stepmothers and sisters have to cut off parts of their feet and have their eyes pecked out. But instead of little birds lifting Ian's clothes, they lifted his clothes and him

• 46:54Speaker 00

  up, over, and then into the sea. Ian panicked a bit, with the lack of air and all, but soon they broke through another barrier, and he landed hard on the street. Looking up at the birds above him, he said that, since they lifted him through air, they couldn't set him down gently on the ground here? "Oh, no, we could have," the bird said, hopped down, popped open the box, jumped back inside, and closed it behind them. There are a lot of stories where, just under a fjord, like in the Scandinavian tale we told a few months back, under the ocean, like in the story of Yoroshu Mataro from Japanese folklore, or under a lake, like Avalon in the King Arthur stories.

• 47:37Speaker 00

  For the King, the podcast's first book comes out December 1st, preorder is available now, there exists a whole world underwater. And I'm not joking, no one ever attempts to explain any of it. Humans easily go down there and can breathe and walk. In English major analysis talk, it obviously marks the boundary between the known and the unknown, civilization in the wilds or something. But if I could go back in time and talk to one of these storytellers, "How does the underwater world work?" know seriously, like, what are the mechanics of it, would be in my top five questions, especially because water creatures are so prevalent, people could very easily drown in things. Anyway, that being said, in Ian's time and today, there are many things about the world

• 48:20Speaker 00

  we don't understand but just have to roll with it. And if I think about it, I honestly couldn't explain electricity or gravity in enough detail to be satisfying to anyone, yet voluntarily and involuntarily, respectively, use both. So, maybe I can't fault Ian for just rolling with it, or the storyteller for just hand-waving it and moving on, like we're gonna do. Ian, not curious about how there was light down there, wandered the streets until someone shouted at him. Accepting help from strangers was roughly 60% effective. The first woman delayed his quest by months for her creepy son, the three witches helped him, and the third witch's son let him get stolen by an eagle, so that the guy could get a nice Myard effect on the outside of his steak.

• 49:04Speaker 00

  Ian didn't think about any of this, though, when he answered the weaver's invitation, that Ian, the obvious stranger in the land, come in and eat at his table. By coming in and eating at the stranger's table. Also by sleeping in the bed at the corner of the house. Ian thought that this was a little too convenient, but then thought about why the weaver might have an extra bed, and a desire to help out a young man wandering by, and thought that maybe they could help each other. The next day, the weaver told him about the race. Ian looked up from breakfast. "Race?" "Oh, yeah, that's right, you're a stranger in this land, the king is having a race. Whoever wins can marry his daughter."

• 49:48Speaker 00

  Weird criteria for choosing who joins your family and rules your eventual kingdom, but what else are you gonna do? Choose based on personality and compatibility, or even just baseline ability to rule? Nope, just who can make an animal run the fastest. What a time to be alive. The weaver couldn't accompany him, presumably had a lot of weaving to do, but Ian, as he felt the box in his pocket, said he was okay with that. Which way was the race?

• 50:31Speaker 00

  Oh, great. It's you. You know, our box prison is the stuff of nightmares, but we vastly prefer it to even one moment spent looking at your face. The birds that lived in the box in Ian's pocket said. I need the finest horse that was ever seen, the grandest dress, and glass shoes, Ian said. Not wasting time. They brought all those things, though the shirt, pants, coat, and shoes were either slightly too big or slightly too small, whichever would be the most humiliating and/or uncomfortable. Ian didn't care, though. He never had clothes that fit well, anyway. He was a little rusty. The last horse he rode on, he sold for a gun, which started this whole mess slash his destiny. So he brushed up on things before the race.

• 51:15Speaker 00

  And he absolutely crushed it. He won. The king and the princess waited for him to ride up, but no one arrived. Instead, he rushed back to the weaver's house after changing and asking the birds to put some gold in his pockets, which he gave to the weaver. I'll be real. I honestly do not know what Ian's game is here. The woman he's been seeking for nearly a year at this point is there and waiting to marry him for multiple reasons, which, according to the rules of the kingdom, he can do. Yet, instead of a wedding, the following day, they threw another race. And Ian won and took off. When he did it the third time, the king was officially angry.

• 52:00Speaker 00

  Some people, though, had seen his face. And those people, after a number of days, were tasked with going after him and making sure he claimed his prize, the princess who, yes, contrary to Disney niceties, was a prize to be won. And I'm kind of getting the impression that the storyteller just threw everything at the wall here and tried to see what stuck. Because there was also maybe a serial killer on the loose? The story only tells us that there was a robber that went around and, quote, "murdered ever so many people." So, when they found a kid who matched the description of the winner in the house of the weaver, but this kid was dirty and smelly, well, being dirty and smelly was apparently enough

• 52:45Speaker 00

  to put him away from murdering ever so many people. It made sense, too, why the winner didn't want to come forward. He would be identified as the killer and arrested. And by "put him away," they mean in the ground, because Ian was going to hang. I bet he wished he just came forward and accepted the princess's hand or went to go talk to her or anything else. So, the headsman led Ian up to the gallows, where he was encouraged to make a speech for the people who were assembled because public executions were a form of entertainment in those days, even in the Kingdom Under the Waves. But Ian remarked that he did not fear death. He had died three times already for the one he loved and would die many more times if necessary.

• 53:30Speaker 00

  It wasn't necessary, but for multiple reasons. The first of which being that he could have just said something after any of the races, but we already mentioned that. The second reason was because the princess, when he was unconscious that last day in the church, had left something behind. The creepy, sickly dude never told him about it, because he was a budding sadist himself. But the princess had written a message to the prince, marking him in the event that he ever came to her, was arrested for being a serial killer, and then gestured wildly on the gallows, calling out his last words. On the inside of his arm, just under his armpit, she had written, "The daughter of the king of the town under the waves." The princess called out to stop the execution.

• 54:28Speaker 00

  Ian, as he sat down with the king in his betrothed, wondered how this was possible. Was this like in that Ambrose Beer story where the man manages to escape home from his execution and goes to his family and live in freedom, only to have that be the last imagined thought he had between dropping and dying? Ian looked around. This didn't feel imaginary. The princess rose to address the audience in a magnificent room in the castle, next to a washed and frankly handsome Ian. The room was packed with men. She said, "By dying three times for her, Ian had freed her from the curse. And she marked him should he ever come look for her.

• 55:10Speaker 00

  She told his creepy friend to pass along the message about where she was and the box that she had slipped into his coat." Sorry about the birds, by the way. They can be a bit much. There was an outcry from the assembled princes and kings. "This was the son of a fisherman. They were princes. They could say more, but they shouldn't have to." The princess turned and, with one look, quieted them. "Oh, kings, if one of you were killed today, the rest would fly. But this man put his trust in me. And he was killed three times. Because he has done this, I will marry him rather than one of you, whose greatest achievement was who you were born to." With that, she turned and didn't say another word to them.

• 55:55Speaker 00

  Most of them took the hint and left. Ian, though, stayed and was accepted by the king, married the princess he had not only risked his life for, but given up his life for multiple times. And though the story ends with her chastising the assembled kings for not being as brave or as selfless as Ian, we can assume they lived happily ever after in the Kingdom Under the Waves. Or, at the very least, Ian didn't have to walk until his feet were bloody and then get murdered by robbers again. But if he did, there was always his wife's earwax to make him feel better.

• 56:41Speaker 00

  This was an interesting story. One of the things I actually liked was that Ian never went home. The physical abuse of the parent had consequences, and it's not like he felt any need to bring her to his castle. I also like how this somewhat subverts the principle of Chekhov's gun. It's the idea that everything in the story should have a purpose. And the writer Anton Chekhov says something to the effect that if you have a gun hanging on the wall in the first chapter of the story, it must go off later. And if it's not going to go off, it shouldn't be hanging there. I say it somewhat subverts the idea because the gun did have a purpose in the story. That purpose, though, just wasn't what anyone thought it was. Finally, the ending of the story was bananas.

• 57:24Speaker 00

  And I really hope they ended up catching that killer. Next week, we're back in our increasingly inaccurately-named monthly Olympian stories, where we are getting around to Poseidon, who, despite his excellent PR, might be just as bad as his younger brother. As you might know, Myths and Legends has its first book coming out this year. And for less than the price of an adult shark blanket hoodie onesie, you can preorder the book. And the book, for the king, is a lot of things, like the first installment of a faithful, comprehensive retelling of the King Arthur legend that breathes new life into the old stories. But it won't make people think you have a big, sad shark hanging around your house, like that onesie will. Sorry about that. We couldn't do everything.

• 58:07Speaker 00

  Links to preorder the book in the show notes. Thank you so much for your support.

• 58:18Speaker 00

  The creature this time is the Charles Mill Lake Monster from Mifflin, Ohio, just outside of Mansfield. What the state of Ohio lacks in natural beauty, walkable cities, public transportation, and control over aggressive gerrymandering, it makes up for encripteds. We have the Loveland Frogman from my hometown of Loveland, Ohio. The Ohio Grassman, Crosswick Monster, the Lake Erie Monster, the Melonheads, the Minerva Monster, and more. Someone who never cracks even a list of the top 10, though, is the Charles Mill Lake Monster. And that might be deserved. So, the Charles Mill Reservoir was made

• 58:59Speaker 00

  when they dammed up the Black Fork of the Mohican River in 1935. I'm not sure if these names mean anything to anyone listening. They certainly don't to me. But I'm mentioning them because sometimes, when you mess with nature, nature messes back in the form of an armless swamp thing that scares teens. One time, 24 years later, Denny Patterson, Wayne Armstrong, and Michael Lane were hanging out by the reservoir on March 28, 1959. Before you start to think that they're up to something. As a once-in-future and also current Ohio resident, I can say that hanging out by stuff

• 59:42Speaker 00

  is basically our state's official pastime. It was after dark when the teens saw it, the Lake Monster. It rose from the water, over seven feet tall. It had green, presumably glowing eyes, because how else could you tell the color of the eyes, and massive webbed feet. The most noteworthy thing about it, though, was that it did not have arms. The boys scrambled off in terror and allegedly got the sheriff to come, who didn't see the monster, but only the tracks left behind. Tracks that looked like regular-sized flippers that you wear, like when you're diving. And that's it.

• 1:00:24Speaker 00

  Apparently, being seen by some teens once at night was enough for a legend to grow. There was another possible sighting four years later in 1963, but that was later clarified to be something else. You see, hoping to escape the big city and after being driven from its home in the Cleveland sewers, a Bigfoot-like creature with orange eyes, named Orange Eyes, took up residence in the Charles Mill Reservoir. It had glowing orange eyes and seems to have slightly eclipsed the Charles Mill Lake Monster. I'm not sure how the Charles Mill Lake Monster feels about this interloper in its swamp. And once again, as an Ohio resident, I'll let you know if there's ever a showdown

• 1:01:09Speaker 00

  between the Charles Mill Lake Monster and Orange Eyes. Sort of a great value version of Godzilla versus King Kong.

• 1:01:24Speaker 00

  That's it for this week. Myths and Legends is by Jason and Carissa Weiser. Our theme song is by Broke for Free. And The Creature of the Week music is by Steve Colmes. There's a list of the other music we used in the show notes. Thank you so much for listening, and we'll see you next time.

• 1:01:42Speaker 07

  Hey, it's Covino and Rich Davis from Covino and Rich. Buy smart, drive for less, and trade for more. That's Toyota affordability. And it starts with a great deal on an off-road ready Tacoma or half-ton Tundra, two of Toyota's most capable and longest-lasting trucks. Combining power for work, tech for adventures, and style in between. Built on reputation for quality and reliability. Toyota trucks are known for holding their value, which can mean big savings when it's time for your next Toyota. So get a great deal today and great value tomorrow. Shop toyota.com for more. Toyota, let's go places. Come on and get happy with Happy GLP. Just $99 a month. Happy GLP gives you one set prices every month. No tears, no tricks.

• 1:02:26Speaker 07

  Getting started with Happy GLP is fast, convenient, and happens virtually with a license provider. Check it out for yourself at happyglp.com. Again, that's happyglp.com. A happy price for a happier you. Compounded medications are not FDA-approved. Eligibility required to determine by a licensed provider. Individual results may vary. See website for details.