Michelle de Swarte, Sonic The Hedgehog & Vote Vogue!

If you haven't tuned in to see Vogue in the jungle yet, you have to... She's amazing in there! Meanwhile, in the studio - there's a podcast to be made - so Joanne invited the fabulous Michelle de Swarte to come in! Expect brutal honesty, tales from behind the scenes on I'm A Celeb and huge concern over skincare aimed at kids... If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [email protected] Please review Global's Privacy Policy: https://global.com/legal/privacy-policy/ For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.com https://www.mytherapistghostedme.com/ Joanne's comedy gigs: www.joannemcnally.com https://www.joannemcnally.com/ This episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Observe. The North American Dad. 50s. Great polo collection. He enters his vehicle information on Carvana. An offer appears in minutes. Remarkable. He squints, reads it again, smiles and says, "Dang, that's a good offer." The highest form of approval. No haggling, no hassle. No one called him "boss." He's still on the couch. Astonishing. Sell your car today on carvana.com. Pickup fees may apply.

• 0:32Speaker 01

  This is a Global Player original podcast.

• 0:45Speaker 02

  Welcome to My Therapist Goes to Me with me, Joanne McNally, and our stand-in special guest, because Vogue's off, soaking off parrots in the jungle. Michelle Swarte.

• 0:55Speaker 03

  Hello.

• 0:56Speaker 02

  Hello. Now, this is, we've never worked together before. Michelle's one of our best friends. No, we haven't. Michelle's one of our best friends and she's an amazing stand-up comedian. Yeah, but do you know what? And writer. How weird was it, yeah, when we had to do a gig together and we were like, wait, what? Obviously, we met in stand-up, but like... It's weird bringing friends, when your friends outside of work and then suddenly you're in a work environment, you're like, oh, hello.

• 1:21Speaker 03

  Do you remember when?

• 1:22Speaker 02

  How are you?

• 1:23Speaker 03

  We were going to both do a gig in Manchester and I'd seen you on the train and I blanked you because I thought, I can't, I hate sitting on trains with anybody. Like, I just don't like the full situation of it. And even me and Joanne live moments away from each other's houses, have slept in the same bed many a time. I saw you on the train, I was like, no fucking way. Anyway, then the train breaks.

• 1:43Speaker 04

  That's what she would have wanted.

• 1:44Speaker 03

  Yes. So that's what happened, right? So then the train breaks down, like a couple of stops from Manchester and then I text Joanne from the train, I was like, hey, listen, man, I'm on the same train as you. I saw you on the train, but I thought, and you texted back, you went, thank God, this is why we're friends. I was like, we're on the same train, I didn't want to say hello because it's brutal, but now the train's broken down, we might have to get an Uber, we should probably do that together.

• 2:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, I know, we're like, we're in work mode now, Michelle, how does this work? Do you know what I mean?

• 2:11Speaker 03

  And then we got to the gig and pretty much blanked each other, like we were just talking to other people. But then I remember coming back on the train, I saw you and I went, hey, and you went, no, not until we're in Clapham.

• 2:22Speaker 02

  But that's because we have our own friendship outside of work, do you know what I mean? And then it puts a different dynamic on it. But I will say, you're like, I know I can be a bit of a hermit at times, but I'm very good now. I'd be like, I would sit, I'd be in your orbit, but not chatting. Like, I'm comfortable enough with you now that I'd be like, sitting, I'd sit on the same carriage as you, but not beside you.

• 2:44Speaker 03

  No, thanks.

• 2:45Speaker 02

  That's enough, yeah.

• 2:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's, that's real friendship.

• 2:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, it is.

• 2:48Speaker 03

  I do this now, like, I'll be, you know, if I leave a gig and I'm with someone, I'll just tell them straight. I'm like, this is good, you see when we get on this train, we have to sit separately. I can't bear the idea of us having to chat for this whole journey. And normally the person's like, thank fuck for that.

• 3:03Speaker 02

  I know.

• 3:04Speaker 03

  I'm like, yeah.

• 3:05Speaker 02

  I know.

• 3:05Speaker 03

  I've released you.

• 3:06Speaker 02

  Like, I remember when I started a gig and, and, um, it still happens, but it's more, it's a different vibe now. And you'd car share to gigs.

• 3:14Speaker 03

  No.

• 3:14Speaker 02

  Which, I know, we're, we're kind of over that now. Well, I still car share with Garode and whatever, the tour manager and stuff.

• 3:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, but that's different.

• 3:21Speaker 02

  It is different, it's different now, it is different.

• 3:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:23Speaker 02

  But me and Garode have a rule on the road, Garode has a rule on the road, that we don't speak at breakfast. So we're like, we just pass each other like two shits in the night at the buffet.

• 3:33Speaker 03

  You've got to have that.

• 3:34Speaker 02

  Don't even look at me, don't even look at me.

• 3:35Speaker 03

  You've got to have that, it's important.

• 3:37Speaker 02

  It is.

• 3:37Speaker 03

  Even, even like lifts and stuff, like, I mean, Joe, I don't know how you felt, but when you came to get me at reception, that moment while we waited for the lift, I was like, I can't talk, I can't talk. Because this is excruciating, this is so awkward.

• 3:50Speaker 04

  I complimented Michelle on her body of work.

• 3:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, you would.

• 3:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:54Speaker 02

  It's an intense body.

• 3:55Speaker 03

  And then we were like, yeah, this is brutal.

• 3:58Speaker 04

  Was that me, were you doing me?

• 4:00Speaker 03

  No, of course not.

• 4:01Speaker 04

  That sounded like you were doing me.

• 4:02Speaker 02

  But Sandra, I like him, so I'm guessing it was him.

• 4:05Speaker 03

  I was, um, I, I was, I was doing some, like, one of those comedy festival things, and, um, it was in the morning, and we were at the hotel, and I'd had breakfast, and then this commissioner, who I love, was, stood at the elevator, or the lift, sorry, and he goes, um, he was like, after you, and I was like, you know what, John, I'm sorry, mate, I can't get in this lift with you. It's just too awkward, and he was like, oh, okay, you go first, and I was like, thanks. I was just like, this is too brutal. And then he sent me an email after, he was like, solid work, I really respect that. I was like, yeah, thanks. Because you know what I don't want to do, after a night of being on the piss and pretending you're networking, is then in the morning, in the cold light of day, being a lift with you for up to fifty seconds. No way.

• 4:45Speaker 02

  No.

• 4:46Speaker 03

  No, thanks.

• 4:47Speaker 02

  You have, you have a very good ability to, like, say, say what you really think without offending anyone. It's, it's, it's a wild ability.

• 4:59Speaker 03

  I don't think, it's not, I wouldn't say without offending anyone, but I feel like it is, uh, like, I have an inability not to say sort of what's going on in my mind in real time.

• 5:11Speaker 02

  You're, you're less of a people pleaser than I am. I think I'm more of a people pleaser than you. I think you're just like, it is what it is.

• 5:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm not great. Not great in them situations. I'm not great. Do you know what, last night, right, I went to this, um, it was like, uh, it was like a work mixer thing for like writers and creatives and whatever. And so I got this email from this like lovely woman, um, called Madeleine, I think her name is. And she'd arranged last year, she did like, black women, um, uh, that, that, that write scripts and stuff, so like showrunners and all of that. And it was like this big get together at BBC. I think I came to your house after, actually. So it was there. And so when she sent me the message, I thought, oh, it's the year of that, like that's coming up again. So I said, yeah, I'd love to come. And she was like, intimate dinner at, um, Mildred's. And I was like, oh, amazing. I walked in the room and I was like, it's just like loads of white men. I was like, what's, wait, what's going on?

• 6:02Speaker 03

  And she was like, oh, Michelle, so nice to have you. I went, this ain't what I thought it was. I thought this was black women in scripted TV. And she was like, yeah, no, well, there are some black people. Yeah, no, like, obviously, I'm happy to be here, but, and she went, yeah, you wouldn't. I said, yeah, this is not, this is not what I thought it was. And then every person I spoke to for, through dinner was like, hey, why are you here? I was like, well, because I thought it was something completely different. But I'm happy to be here. But yeah, I just can't say it. It's so bad.

• 6:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, especially when, I mean, that's a, that's a pretty big disappointment. That's a proper pivot.

• 6:36Speaker 03

  It ended up, it ended up being a lovely evening.

• 6:43Speaker 03

  Can I tell you about my full circle moment? Please. With I'm a Celeb. So, when I was a humble TV presenter, before I started stand up, I did some random show, right? And, um, and then, so, I got a phone call saying, Jack Osborne was meant to be on the panel for I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here Now, after, after, whatever the fuck it was, right? Yeah. And, but he's got swine flu. Oh, fancy. And we're looking for a last minute replacement, and because I was modelling at the time, I could get visas really quickly, so they shipped me in to, to be his replacement on the panel to talk after. And, um, and I just think, in a weird, a weird circle, obviously I'm fucking reaching here, but now Vogue is in the jungle with Jack Osborne and I'm filling. That is, that is weird. I'm another filler. That is weird though, yeah.

• 7:28Speaker 03

  But let me tell you something, right? So even when I went there, even though it was years ago, you know what? And they spoke about it last night when, um, they did their challenge. So if you didn't see it, the challenge was that the four contestants had to be in a giant cot while they, um, had to tell the rest of the camp clues about a bedtime story they'd got. So let's say it's Rapunzel, but they couldn't say Rapunzel, they couldn't say hair, they couldn't say, do you know what I mean? Like oral charades. Exactly, right? So they're doing that while bugs are being dumped on them, and they mentioned it last night, is that, like, the smell. So when I went into the jungle, they get to show you, they show you like where they keep the critters and this and that, and like, the jungle, like the kind of compound, I guess, is what you call it. Yeah.

• 8:11Speaker 03

  When I say the stench of where they keep, it fucking stinks. It stinks. And you know me, spectrum, spectrum, that, there's no, I mean. Would you never do it? Would you ever, no? Listen, I'm, I'm about to move into a place and get a mortgage, so at this point, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not confidently saying I wouldn't do anything. Yeah, I know, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Of course. You, you see what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The, the self-employed fear is real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, right now, no. No one's asking, but right now, no. Yeah. Don't you love to be when no one's asked you and you're like, I want to do that? No, like, no one's fucking asking you babes. But it stinks. And plus they're chucked, and they're, oh, it was, the amount of shit they chucked on her,

• 8:55Speaker 03

  and she was still talk, I would have. I'm very proud of her, she's doing very, very well. One suite for the camp.

• 9:02Speaker 02

  One what?

• 9:02Speaker 03

  One sweets candy for the rest of the camp.

• 9:05Speaker 02

  She won sweets for the camp, she did, yeah.

• 9:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, you know what I was thinking as well, right? Because Spencer, Spencer's running around.

• 9:11Speaker 02

  I know.

• 9:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:13Speaker 02

  Candy art.

• 9:13Speaker 03

  Like, never, never has a more literal meaning for that word, be more calming, I guess, for any person who's like, got their lover. Running around, literally running around.

• 9:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:22Speaker 03

  And she's in the jungle and you're just like, what? You know, like, as you're, you're a kid, you get older, what are you gonna do?

• 9:29Speaker 02

  I know.

• 9:29Speaker 03

  What are you going to do? Oh, when my parents were this age, one was doing a marathon in each country over seven days and my mum was, do you know what I mean? Just getting crap dumped on her.

• 9:40Speaker 02

  Their ambition and drive makes me wanna, like, take a nap between the two of them. Like, and look, don't get me wrong, I'm ambitious, you're ambitious, we have drive.

• 9:48Speaker 03

  No, not like that.

• 9:49Speaker 02

  No, not like that.

• 9:50Speaker 03

  No.

• 9:51Speaker 02

  We're not like that now, we're not.

• 9:53Speaker 03

  No.

• 9:53Speaker 02

  No, but she is, like, I think she's so suited to this TV show. She's sound, she's a team player.

• 10:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:00Speaker 02

  She's competitive, she has the right mix for it. But like, because obviously I've been watching her in there, I forgot how full on it, like, like, the shit they're making them eat and all. Like, I actually forgot how intense it is. Like, you're not just going in fanning around in a campsite, you're properly.

• 10:20Speaker 03

  I'll tell you what, though, she's in.

• 10:21Speaker 04

  That gagging, that gagging with Kelly Brook.

• 10:23Speaker 02

  Gagging.

• 10:24Speaker 04

  That, that went through me.

• 10:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:27Speaker 03

  And if you don't think that is gonna turn up on some questionable.

• 10:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:31Speaker 03

  Websites. Kelly Brook gagging.

• 10:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:34Speaker 03

  Yeah. The guac guac.

• 10:36Speaker 02

  Vogue squat, did you see, there was a really cute video, Vogue, because Vogue's squatting in the jungle, she's, because she's built an ass for herself and she's trying to keep it. And they asked, someone asked.

• 10:44Speaker 03

  I thought you meant like squatting, taking a shit or something, I was like, wow, there's cameras everywhere.

• 10:50Speaker 02

  She, they got a vote, they asked Gigi, they were like, her daughter, they're like, what do you think she'll be doing in the jungle? And Gigi started squatting. She's, I know, she's like mimicking, I know, she's so cute.

• 10:59Speaker 03

  I mean, look, I'll say, I'll say this, they got, they got a good group in there. Eddie Cadd is in there, fellow comedian, he is, have you worked with Eddie?

• 11:07Speaker 02

  No.

• 11:07Speaker 03

  He's a dream.

• 11:08Speaker 02

  Is he?

• 11:09Speaker 03

  He is an absolute dream. Ruby Wax is in there.

• 11:12Speaker 02

  She's killing it, isn't she?

• 11:12Speaker 03

  Come on.

• 11:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:13Speaker 03

  Like, lover.

• 11:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:15Speaker 03

  In my mind, I feel like it would be Vogue and Ruby.

• 11:18Speaker 02

  Do you reckon?

• 11:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:19Speaker 02

  That'd be fantastic.

• 11:20Speaker 03

  Wouldn't it?

• 11:21Speaker 02

  I hope so, yeah. My only concern is Ireland can't vote. So I'm trying to arrange a bus to get the whole country to go up to Belfast for the day. So we can all dial in. Ireland can't vote. Very racist.

• 11:30Speaker 04

  People are talking about VPNs.

• 11:32Speaker 02

  Are they? That's a great idea, yeah.

• 11:34Speaker 04

  I don't know if I'm allowed to say that.

• 11:36Speaker 02

  I have a VPN.

• 11:37Speaker 04

  What do you mean?

• 11:38Speaker 02

  How do you vote?

• 11:38Speaker 03

  Do you phone in? No one phones in anymore.

• 11:40Speaker 02

  So you can vote on the app and you can vote online as well?

• 11:43Speaker 04

  And I'm just saying VPNs.

• 11:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, let's throw a VPN in the mix.

• 11:47Speaker 04

  I'm not saying that attached to anything. I don't know if it's naughty or not. I am just saying for no reason whatsoever, VPNs.

• 11:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:54Speaker 04

  Ireland.

• 11:55Speaker 02

  Yeah. Or, or take a day trip up to Belfast. Girls' Day out. Yeah, great city.

• 12:00Speaker 03

  Keep, keep in mind, Vogue, she's in there getting shit chucked on her. Vote for her.

• 12:06Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 12:07Speaker 03

  Do you know what I mean? Just vote for her.

• 12:08Speaker 02

  She deserves it, yeah.

• 12:09Speaker 03

  Yeah. Like, make it happen.

• 12:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:13Speaker 05

  You're listening to a quick ad. You know what else is quick? Selling your car on Carvana. Just put in your vehicle information and we'll give you an offer. Done. No hassle, no negotiation, no guy from an online listing lowballing you. Which means by the time I'm done explaining this, you could have basically done it.

• 12:37Speaker 05

  Still haven't started? Hey, better late than ever. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pickup fees may apply.

• 12:45Speaker 03

  Joe, is that you?

• 12:46Speaker 02

  She takes calls in here and all. I don't give a flying shit what we're doing. Sometimes he just disappears off the Zoom. We're like, hello. Because me and Vogue have this ongoing situation where when he's not watching us, we kind of, we tone it down. It's like we're basically performing for Joe. Yeah, we're like, daddy, look, look, look daddy.

• 13:04Speaker 02

  Do you know what I was thinking this morning? And even though, I don't know if your surname is Swarte or Swarte.

• 13:10Speaker 03

  It's De Swarte.

• 13:11Speaker 02

  De Swarte.

• 13:12Speaker 03

  But you know what?

• 13:12Speaker 02

  I say De Swarte.

• 13:13Speaker 03

  You're still in my phone as Joanna.

• 13:16Speaker 02

  Am I?

• 13:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:17Speaker 02

  Oh, that's cute.

• 13:18Speaker 03

  Even though you was like, stop calling me that.

• 13:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:20Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 13:21Speaker 02

  Yeah. And you can't, I, you know, it's so funny, it gets to a point where like, I don't even, I don't, it doesn't matter why I pronounce your name. It doesn't matter at this point.

• 13:28Speaker 03

  Why would you say my last name?

• 13:29Speaker 02

  Michelle Disworth, cause you're, do you think that you're Madonna, we could just say Michelle?

• 13:32Speaker 03

  No, but I'm, but I imagine that like.

• 13:34Speaker 02

  Oh, for me?

• 13:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:35Speaker 02

  Sorry, I thought you meant the listeners.

• 13:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 13:37Speaker 02

  Michelle.

• 13:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, Michelle Obama, take the bloody seat, babes, cause I'm going by the, by the uncommon name of Michelle.

• 13:45Speaker 02

  It's like when Kylie tried to take Kylie, she tried to trademark her own name off Kylie Minogue. Kylie's like, no.

• 13:50Speaker 03

  But also I love that Kylie just came back and was like, uh, excuse me, no girl.

• 13:55Speaker 02

  But I think.

• 13:56Speaker 03

  One lip gloss, you think that's gonna.

• 13:57Speaker 02

  I know.

• 13:58Speaker 03

  You think that is gonna overtake, I'm spinning, I'm spinning around.

• 14:01Speaker 02

  I know, but she has her wine, but she, but you, uh, I think, I think they had to go to court over it.

• 14:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, they did.

• 14:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:08Speaker 03

  Because Kylie, lip lady, hold on, Jenner.

• 14:12Speaker 02

  Kylie Jenner.

• 14:13Speaker 03

  Kylie Jenner was like, who?

• 14:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:15Speaker 03

  And all of us millennials.

• 14:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:18Speaker 03

  And Gen Xs were like, who are you? How dare you?

• 14:22Speaker 02

  But I think Kylie Jenner would be more, like, bigger than Kylie Minogue at this point. Just for, if you're, it was, was that a terrible thing to say? Not for us, but for the young, like, there's a difference in numbers of like TikTok numbers and stuff.

• 14:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 14:36Speaker 02

  Anyway, they're cheeky bitch, you know, they're like, Kris Jenner trademarked momager.

• 14:40Speaker 03

  Do you know what? Which brings me to, yeah, so you know the new skincare, the new skincare for the kids?

• 14:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, so I, me and Michelle, I, we were sending, we were, we, we swap, we're, we're, we're great meat, we've swapped a lot of memes, but I sent you the photo of, there's a skincare business that have made face masks for babies.

• 15:02Speaker 03

  For five year olds.

• 15:04Speaker 02

  For five year olds.

• 15:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, starting range, so you can, so you can, uh, so you can also, uh, detox and, and recuperate with mummy. Are you all right?

• 15:12Speaker 02

  I know.

• 15:12Speaker 03

  Is everyone all right? But anyway, so when that first came out, you know Kris Jenner was kicking herself.

• 15:18Speaker 02

  You reckon?

• 15:19Speaker 03

  Oh, she's looking at all of her grandkids and she's like, you lot are sleeping on the job.

• 15:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:23Speaker 03

  You're not making me any money.

• 15:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:25Speaker 03

  You just know that she was like, how did I not think of this?

• 15:29Speaker 02

  I actually went right about it. It's basically like giving them, they're gonna be giving them little fake Ozempic pads at some stage so they can shoot up like mummy does. There's actual products in the face. They're not just wet. There's products in the face masks. It makes no sense.

• 15:43Speaker 03

  Well, all right, this is what I think's worrying about it.

• 15:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:46Speaker 03

  It's like, it's one thing, you know, we kind of all realised when that whole toddlers and tiara franchise was out, that's like, we probably shouldn't be putting kids in makeup. Do you know what I mean? Like, they're too young, they're too young. But like, you know, you're trying to get a bit of nail polish, whatever. But this isn't about that. This is about self-care.

• 16:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:03Speaker 03

  And retaining your youth, which at five years old, yeah, if you're like, I must keep my skin like, like, baby.

• 16:13Speaker 02

  I know.

• 16:13Speaker 03

  Literally.

• 16:14Speaker 02

  I know.

• 16:15Speaker 03

  This is, like, your skin's never gonna look like this again.

• 16:19Speaker 02

  I know, you've got the skin that we're all trying to get. Why are you doing anything to us?

• 16:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, but, yeah, but also just to be seeing yourself, think of yourself as aging at that age. Because you know, like, all the tweens are already going Space and K and they're getting Drunk Elephant and all of these brands that I'm like, I was gassed when they put quarter moisturiser in a bar of Dove. I was like, oh, me, self-care. But like, are we all right?

• 16:40Speaker 02

  I know. But also what's happening is it's ruining their, so there's all the, I love, look, I love, I follow loads of dermatologists. I'm a board certified dermatologist. You know these ones that, I'm sure you're obviously bad in as well. We love skin. Me and Michelle, we love, same with, obviously me and Voty too, but we fucking love you.

• 16:57Speaker 03

  I live for it.

• 16:57Speaker 02

  Ah, it's a hobby at this point.

• 16:59Speaker 03

  I'm telling you, yeah.

• 17:00Speaker 02

  I love it.

• 17:01Speaker 03

  I panic buy skincare routines and like just stuff and like, oh, I'll get a bit of filler, I'm feeling a bit damp.

• 17:09Speaker 03

  Like someone would buy shoes.

• 17:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:11Speaker 03

  Do you know what I mean? Like, I'm like, ah, I feel sad.

• 17:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:15Speaker 03

  Oh, maybe I could fill the void with filler.

• 17:18Speaker 02

  I know.

• 17:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:19Speaker 02

  That's our generation's problem. When we were younger, we'd buy hoop earrings. Now we get tit lifts. Because we can. And we're being sold this shit all the time. But the photo they used of the girl, the little girl, what age was she, like, seven?

• 17:31Speaker 03

  Barely.

• 17:32Speaker 02

  She looked.

• 17:33Speaker 03

  She looked rough as fuck. She did need that.

• 17:37Speaker 03

  She didn't need that face mask to be found.

• 17:38Speaker 02

  This girl's been on the piss.

• 17:40Speaker 03

  Someone's been up all night.

• 17:41Speaker 02

  She, um, her eyes, she looked, she looked frightened.

• 17:45Speaker 03

  At first glance, yeah, when you see that picture, cause what she's got is like a collagen mask on her face.

• 17:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:51Speaker 03

  But, cause you're not used to seeing a child that age do like what is self-care. You look at it and you're like, is this kid got cling film on her face? Like, what's going on?

• 17:58Speaker 02

  I know.

• 17:59Speaker 03

  I just, I just, I'm just like, it's like the self-care and the recuperation of it. And you just kinda go, as a kid, when did self-care become staying in? And relaxing from your hard day's graft at school? Do you know what I mean? Like, I just feel like self-care is increasingly becoming being stagnant and not doing anything. Like, I was chatting to Ashley Storey the other day and she was like, she goes, oh, um, she was like, I've been in for a couple of days. And I was like, and she's like, I need to wash. And I was like, do you know what? I do the same, right? I think a me day is not washing my fanny. You know what I mean? Just staying in and like.

• 18:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, rushing.

• 18:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:36Speaker 02

  But we're also in our 40s now.

• 18:38Speaker 03

  Wash your fucking minj. Do you know what I mean?

• 18:40Speaker 02

  That is important. That is, that is important. And I've always been saying, so sometimes.

• 18:44Speaker 03

  I've always been saying, wash your minj every day.

• 18:47Speaker 02

  I'm always bringing it, reminding it.

• 18:49Speaker 03

  Nothing says self-care more than washing your fanny.

• 18:52Speaker 02

  The 8 a.m. call to Michelle, you're washing your minj today, name Michelle, come on. You know it's good for morale.

• 18:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm like, nah, I'm having a me day, babe. Nothing, nothing says me than lying in bed, shoving a finger down my pants and having a sniff. I'm like, that's marinated lovely.

• 19:06Speaker 02

  Fucking gross. I did, uh, I did big fat quiz last night. It was, it was actually, it was actually really good crack. But I'm, I was on a team with Judy Love and as the camera came up, she was making me sniff her fingers. Cause she said that she's, she was like, they smell of kebab. So the opening shot is me literally leaning in, smelling her fingers.

• 19:23Speaker 03

  Can we talk Judy Love?

• 19:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:26Speaker 03

  She'd give bloody value, wouldn't she?

• 19:27Speaker 02

  Oh, she's fantastic.

• 19:28Speaker 03

  I just filmed a TV show with her over summer and she was so funny, cause I think it was her first acting job.

• 19:34Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 19:34Speaker 03

  And so she was just looking at me. We were like the stand-up comics on the show. And it's called School, it'll be out in Channel 4 in the spring. But, um.

• 19:42Speaker 02

  Is this your, were you filming, were you in it with her?

• 19:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I was just hanging around. You all right, J D? Ayah! Nah, um, but, uh, but, but she just kept on looking at me like, are we doing this again? I was like, yeah babes, from every angle. And she was like, it's not like stand up, is it? But she was so fun to work with.

• 19:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, she's great crack.

• 19:59Speaker 03

  I love her.

• 20:00Speaker 02

  I find, like, I haven't, I haven't done that much acting, but I do find that the, the days are so long. It is, it's fucking boring.

• 20:08Speaker 03

  It, it is.

• 20:09Speaker 02

  It's boring.

• 20:10Speaker 03

  To go from doing a TV show to back to doing stand up, I feel like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. I'm like, I'm a one man band, look at me go, go do the sound check, testing, testing, ta ta.

• 20:21Speaker 02

  You've done the sitcom thing. Like, I get asked to go, like, I get asked, you know, people are like, are you gonna do the sitcom? I'm like, I don't really, like, maybe, I know how hard they are, you know how hard they are, to get off the ground. And then the length of time that you have to spend writing it, she's, I know how hard you worked on spent.

• 20:35Speaker 03

  It's, it's monotonous.

• 20:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:37Speaker 03

  And, like, the truth is, I think there's just, like, a lot of pressure to, like, oh, you know, like, you feel like you're meant to be writing, like, Kerry Bradshaw. And it's like, you're not, do you know what I mean?

• 20:46Speaker 02

  I'd say of an hour a day.

• 20:47Speaker 03

  I, I've got an hour and a walk.

• 20:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:49Speaker 03

  An hour and a walk, an hour and, like, let me text some people. And, you know, you know, you know you procrastinate when you start calling your mates, like, you all right, I just wanna check in.

• 20:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:59Speaker 03

  It's been on my mind, it's like, no.

• 21:01Speaker 02

  Ringing your mom and all that.

• 21:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 21:06Speaker 02

  Sorry, Pat, I love you.

• 21:08Speaker 03

  What you up to?

• 21:09Speaker 02

  I'm like, what are you planning for the weekend, mum? She's like, what is this? And like, my mum's rea-, like, she's good on the phone, but she's also, she's a, she, she's quick to let you go. Like, and I love, I love a quick phone call, you know me, I love, I love a voice note, I'm a bit of a phone dodger, as Michelle knows. Sometimes we're like twenty voice notes in and I'll just ring Michelle and Michelle'll ring me, be like, look, this, we need to take this live, we need to road dog this new.

• 21:30Speaker 03

  But we, but we definitely limber up to it. Do you know what, do you know what, uh, my mum does? Uh, she just hangs up and then pretends that something was wrong.

• 21:40Speaker 03

  But she always makes sure it's mid sentence, but it's like, listen Helen, the jig is up. You've been doing this for years, right?

• 21:47Speaker 02

  That's so funny.

• 21:47Speaker 03

  She will, she will just be like, yeah, cause, and then it'll just go dead. And then I'll try and call her back and then she'll WhatsApp me and go, my phone died. Oh, really? Cause you're WhatsApping me? What, do you think this is a letter? You don't, you don't think I don't know that they're connected?

• 22:03Speaker 02

  She's doing the Irish goodbye on the phone. That is hilarious.

• 22:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:07Speaker 02

  That's a good one. Patch's goes, look, I'll let you go. And I'm like, I've literally, I haven't even, we barely said hello. And she's like, I'll let you go, I'll let you go.

• 22:13Speaker 03

  I never heard the expression of the Irish goodbye until I was in America.

• 22:17Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 22:17Speaker 03

  And then I was like, oh, is, should we be?

• 22:21Speaker 02

  Is it appropriate? I know. No, I think Irish goodbye is still fine. Things like Chinese whispers and stuff has gone now, hasn't it?

• 22:29Speaker 04

  Probably, I think.

• 22:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:31Speaker 04

  But. To be clear, an Irish goodbye is just leaving and not saying anything.

• 22:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, which is what Helen's doing to you on the phone, basically.

• 22:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, no, well, not, yeah.

• 22:38Speaker 02

  Do you know how many, I remember reading this article once and it was talking about the amount of time, like, there was some, I'm, I'm saying, now that I'm about to say it aloud, it's probably one of my, it's probably completely made up. But they were saying.

• 22:49Speaker 03

  But push on.

• 22:50Speaker 02

  But anyway. We don't fact check here.

• 22:53Speaker 03

  Completely, completely made up. As I was saying.

• 22:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, factually. How are we not on Global Newsagent at this point? Um, that the amount of, they were saying something like, you'll save four years off your life by not saying goodbye at house parties or something like this. Do you know the way, and I do, I hate, I do hate saying goodbye.

• 23:11Speaker 03

  Oh, no, I'd just go.

• 23:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, because.

• 23:13Speaker 02

  You're an absolute, you're gone.

• 23:15Speaker 03

  Bye.

• 23:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:15Speaker 03

  Ta ta.

• 23:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm like, but shelly, all right. And she's gone out the door, down the road, out the gate.

• 23:19Speaker 03

  Well, cause I know if, especially with you, if I get caught up in any kind of chat, I'm waking up in your bed.

• 23:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 23:25Speaker 03

  Do you know what I mean?

• 23:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 23:26Speaker 03

  And you won't be there.

• 23:27Speaker 02

  Yeah. I know, we go hard.

• 23:30Speaker 03

  It always feels like a one night stand. I wake up and I'm like, where is she? And I open up my phone, I'm at, I'm at, I was.

• 23:37Speaker 02

  Just leave a little toothbrush out for you and all.

• 23:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:39Speaker 02

  Like, don't contact me for a week.

• 23:40Speaker 03

  I'm at Megan's, pass by if you want. I'm like, oh God, no. Where is she? I thought we had fun, we connected.

• 23:51Speaker 00

  Observe. The North American dad. 50s. Great polo collection. He enters his vehicle information on Carvana. An offer appears in minutes. Remarkable. He squints, reads it again, smiles and says, "Dang, that's a good offer." The highest form of approval. No haggling, no hassle. No one called him "boss." He's still on the couch. Astonishing. Sell your car today on carvana.com. Pickup fees may apply.

• 24:22Speaker 03

  This is what I was gonna say to you. Judy loves fingers smell like kebab.

• 24:25Speaker 02

  Well, I said, Judy, I'll be honest. There is a little, there is a little odor. But only when you're really, like, she practically fingers up my nose.

• 24:33Speaker 03

  I'm gonna suck them.

• 24:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna eat them. So I, um, I fucking love Mr. Blobby.

• 24:42Speaker 03

  Oh, I saw that post.

• 24:43Speaker 02

  Now, I know. I bet you don't like Mr. Blobby.

• 24:45Speaker 03

  I, oh.

• 24:46Speaker 02

  Michelle was very against my LaBubu stage.

• 24:49Speaker 03

  No, do not put...

• 24:51Speaker 02

  You were against him. You didn't want one.

• 24:52Speaker 03

  Hey, man, relax with the gaslighting. Because let's not put these two in the same, in the, even in the same category. Mr. Blobby, when was Mr. Blobby out? How old was you, Joanne McNally?

• 25:06Speaker 03

  It's so long ago, you can barely remember. 10, maybe, when Mr. Blobby came onto the scene. When did LaBubu come onto the scene?

• 25:14Speaker 02

  A week ago.

• 25:15Speaker 03

  Yeah. All right, you, grown woman, walking around with your LaBubus.

• 25:19Speaker 02

  Several, actually. I bought loads.

• 25:20Speaker 03

  It was, I remember when you called me and you was like, "I'm gonna get you a LaBubu." And I was like, "Don't you fucking dare. We are grown women and I will not be dragged down your little LaBubu face." It's pathetic.

• 25:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 25:33Speaker 03

  But Mr. Blobby, Mr. Blobby, Mr. Blobby. Yeah, cool.

• 25:37Speaker 02

  He's so funny. He's so funny. I didn't know he was coming out last night.

• 25:41Speaker 03

  Oh, you think it's the same person in the... It's Mr. Blobby, isn't it, in the...

• 25:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:46Speaker 03

  It's weird that every, it's weird that...

• 25:48Speaker 02

  It's me, it's Joanne.

• 25:49Speaker 03

  How do the, how do the Minnie Mouses get to, how does that one Minnie Mouse get to all of the Disney world?

• 25:54Speaker 02

  I did interior design masters with the blind bear. With the fucking.

• 25:59Speaker 03

  Pudsey.

• 26:00Speaker 02

  Pudsey. And it was like ro- this this lad in there and it was like a billion degrees, but there was loads of kids around so he couldn't take the thing off. You know, you can't.

• 26:09Speaker 03

  Do you know what, right? I used to work just around the corner from here when I was a teenager in Trocadero. And I used to work in this place called Sega World, right? In the nineties. And and the mascot.

• 26:20Speaker 02

  Like the computer.

• 26:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, the mascot was um uh Sonic the Hedgehog, right? And thank the Lord, I was a giant as a kid because I was too big to go in this outfit. But I'd have to escort Sonic round Piccadilly Circus, yeah? And so and it would always be this like like shortish girl in there. And so she'd be in the big and it stunk in there because people are just sweating. But like loads of kids would just like run past and like punch Sonic in the head. It was brutal, mate. It was so brutal. I remember one time she fell on her back like a bug and like the hat came off and it was just like. Bunch of like little worried boys just walking past her like Sonic, ba ba ba and it would run off.

• 27:02Speaker 03

  She had her back, she had the Sonic shoes on, ah, no, thank you.

• 27:10Speaker 03

  Last night.

• 27:11Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 27:11Speaker 03

  Um, I I and I just wanna say, you know, like, because I've got guy friends, I've had friends for ages, yeah? And sometimes you forget, like, you know, guy friends can be a bit shit. And I've realised you have to give them clear instructions of what you want and then they will show up as your friends.

• 27:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:26Speaker 03

  But like not in the way that women do, like we're like, oh, I get a feeling, I'm checking in and blah blah blah. So anyway, I bought this table and a desk in Hastings, yeah? And I was down there with my mum and I saw this table and I was like, oh, I want it, but how am I gonna get it? Like, we can't drive. My mum's like, oh, just ask Marcus. And I was like, oh, I don't wanna burden him. She was like, no, he'll do it. Ask him. And so I asked my mate, he lives down there, and he was like, oh, yeah, I'll pick it up, no worries.

• 27:50Speaker 02

  What?

• 27:51Speaker 03

  Picked it up for me, then took it to his house and then I was like, he goes, I'm sure I've got to drop it off now. And I was like, this, it's been in his house for months, right? And I was like, oh, thanks. And I was like, do I need to come down? He goes, no, no, me and Marco bring it up. And they just brought it up and I was like, you know what? You gotta, you gotta give them clear instructions. Because sometimes you'll be in the mindset. Like me and my mate Amy were chatting and she was like talking about a mutual friend of ours and she was like. Yeah, I just don't think he turns up and he can be a bit shit and this and that. And I was like, if you called him now. At one A M and said, come pick up some stuff for me, do you think he would do it? Yeah, he definitely would do it. I said, well, there you go.

• 28:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:23Speaker 03

  They're just.

• 28:24Speaker 02

  I got.

• 28:24Speaker 03

  They need clear, ask your male friends to do shit for you.

• 28:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's fair. That's good advice.

• 28:29Speaker 03

  Oh, my god, do you know what else? Then he said, so he came over and he was like, okay, moving, because I was like, how do I do my bills and stuff? I need help. And he was like, do you know what we need to do is a digital clean out? And I was like, a digital clean out? And he was like, yeah, I said, what does that even mean? And he was like. Like, you've got loads of subscriptions, you've got loads of this.

• 28:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:46Speaker 03

  And then, do you know what I realised? I was like, oh, mate, I need help. I'm still paying the insurance on the phone. That I got stolen when we were together in the pub.

• 28:55Speaker 02

  No.

• 28:56Speaker 03

  I was like, I'm still paying for the insurance for it. A stolen phone, which, by the way, can I tell you, Jo, this is. I I moved back to Clapham or back to South London. I was giving Joanne some long speech about gentrification. How I'm from the ends.

• 29:11Speaker 02

  I was, I I were blowing, basically, yeah.

• 29:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Joanne's lived there for a few years. I've been in New York for nearly twenty years, yeah. I've come back, I'm like, yeah, the thing is, yeah, we meet at the pub, I'm like, oh, this is my gaff. Like, I'm from round here. I've worked in every pub up and down these streets, babes. You see this pub, I used to come here with my money. You're like, I'm giving her all that chat. And as that happens, this guy comes in and he's like, uh, selling a magazine and he's like, and I was like, oh, no, no, no, no, just take the money. I'm talking to Joanne. Embarrassing her about her white privilege.

• 29:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, shaming me.

• 29:41Speaker 03

  Talking to her about how I'm from the ends, giving her this top boy's speech. And then Joanne just was, excuse me, one moment, um, I think he took your phone. I was like. Went running down the street, come back, she's like, where is it? I'm like, ah, it's gone. And then we just went on the piss. Yeah.

• 29:53Speaker 04

  But did you use the insurance policy? Did you claim for the phone?

• 29:56Speaker 03

  Well, I'd only had the phone for ten days, they hadn't kicked in yet, so I had to go buy a new phone. And then like a month later, I forgot about it because I bought a new phone. A month later, or two months later, the phone turns up in Dubai, isn't it, on a beach?

• 30:07Speaker 02

  Dennis!

• 30:07Speaker 03

  Yeah. I opened up my laptop and it was like, oh, your phone's been found. And I was like, my phone is chilling on a beach in Dubai.

• 30:14Speaker 02

  Living its best life.

• 30:15Speaker 03

  Anyway, I'm still paying.

• 30:16Speaker 02

  That is, I, but I, I, when I say, I cannot, I cannot explain how much money I've wasted on, on direct habits. On all this shit. Like, I paid for two phone bills for two years because I could not figure out, there was some, they were like, you need to get a SIM and blah, and I was like.

• 30:34Speaker 03

  Boring.

• 30:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, boring.

• 30:35Speaker 03

  Do you know what? I do this as well. Like, every time it gets to my VATs and my accounts, like, give me all your receipts. I'm like, yeah, but I think I would pay good money to not have to do this admin. Which is what I end up doing. You know what I mean? This isn't for me. I'm not creative. I waft around.

• 30:52Speaker 02

  It's not our job.

• 30:52Speaker 03

  No.

• 30:53Speaker 02

  I got a Uber this morning, right? And do you know the way sometimes Uber drivers, I have a huge suitcase because I'm going somewhere after. And also, I have like a load of luggage with me. And he didn't get out of the car to help me. And I was thinking in my head, I was like, I bet if I, I bet if he was attracted to me, he would have. Do you know what I mean? I just, you know what men are like, they did some big poll, they did some, again, not factually checked at all, some TikTok. You know, these videos where they kind of prank people on the street. And this woman was going along with her luggage and she was struggling, but she was like, she wasn't, they didn't have her dressed up nicely. And she wasn't like, you know, she wasn't glowing as such. And like, none of the lads helped her. And then they put her in like a fucking tank top with no bra. And when I say, they were all running to help her. Do you know what I mean?

• 31:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's a thing.

• 31:39Speaker 03

  Look, do you know what? It is that like, I, I have this sometimes when I get out of Ubers and it is like, you know what, you're doing loads of trips. And I think, you know what I'm saying? You can't be asked to get out of your car. It's freezing as well. It's colder than a witch's tit. Like, what are you doing? You're getting out to help me. You don't know if I'm gonna tip or not. You don't know if you're gonna get any stars. Do you know what I mean?

• 32:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:00Speaker 03

  Like, whatevs. I, I tip all my Uber drivers, but I begrudgingly do it when they haven't helped me with my bag.

• 32:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 32:07Speaker 03

  And I like to feel righteous, so.

• 32:09Speaker 02

  But I agree.

• 32:10Speaker 03

  Worth the free pound tip.

• 32:11Speaker 02

  I agree. I, sometimes I'm like, how, what happened? Like, I can't, I don't, I don't care if they get out or not, is the truth. I really don't. I don't expect it that much. I'm actually surprised so many of them do get out. But I was just thinking today, for some reason, because it's really, really heavy. And actually, it would have been the one time I would have liked some help getting it in, but I'd never ask him.

• 32:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:30Speaker 02

  But yeah, I was like, I would, I bet now if I was his type. He would have jumped out, because he was kind of a young guy. There you go, I'm obviously too ugly to take out help with my suitcase.

• 32:38Speaker 03

  You are, you should work on that.

• 32:40Speaker 02

  I'm disgusting, idiot.

• 32:41Speaker 03

  It's gross.

• 32:46Speaker 03

  By the way, you said that you were doing a press, what did you say? You're gonna do a press junket or something?

• 32:51Speaker 02

  A junket, it's a very American term, I should have said press call.

• 32:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, cool, whatevs. What for?

• 32:58Speaker 02

  I'm doing, I put on a three arena in Dublin.

• 33:01Speaker 03

  Fucking hell, Joanne! This is massive, you know that, innit?

• 33:05Speaker 02

  So, I, I think.

• 33:07Speaker 03

  First, first woman to ever do this, right?

• 33:09Speaker 02

  Well, no, so, I, I know, look, I know how the press thing goes, and you always need an angle.

• 33:14Speaker 03

  Who's the other woman?

• 33:15Speaker 02

  Amy Schumer did it.

• 33:16Speaker 03

  Fuck Amy Schumer!

• 33:17Speaker 02

  I know!

• 33:17Speaker 03

  Listen! First Irish woman. Irish woman, first Irish woman!

• 33:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, I know, it's pretty cool, isn't it?

• 33:24Speaker 03

  It's more than cool, mate!

• 33:25Speaker 02

  So, please, if you're listening to this podcast, feel free to join me. I'm, I'm, I, it's so, do you know when you're talking about yourself all day? Like, I'm still sick of my own-

• 33:36Speaker 03

  Joanne, we've been friends for a while, and I think you do it with ease.

• 33:41Speaker 03

  I'm like, oh, you struggle, we're talking about you!

• 33:44Speaker 02

  Do you know, do you know what I was thinking about? Did you see the Kate Beckinsale interview on Jimmy Kimmel? Where she ta- so, Kate Beckinsale, it was, it's going around at the moment, she's promoting a film at the moment, and she was on Jimmy Kimmel Live, and she was telling a story, so, the reason I'm telling this is, I'm, I'm kind of bored of my own story now, because of so, you know the way you're doing the interviews and you're talking about the adoption, and blah, blah, blah, blah. And, uh, she told a story about her child, you should watch it, it's really funny, her daughter's boyfriend, um-

• 34:16Speaker 03

  She's got a daughter?

• 34:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:17Speaker 03

  Oh, wow!

• 34:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, she's got a daughter, Michael Sheen.

• 34:21Speaker 03

  Okay, so go on.

• 34:22Speaker 02

  And the daughter's like 25 or something.

• 34:23Speaker 03

  So she's telling this story?

• 34:24Speaker 02

  How her-

• 34:27Speaker 02

  Daughter's boyfriend laid an egg. So she's telling this story, like it's a completely true story, the internet's going mad over it. So the clips are completely viral. She is one of the best storytellers I've ever seen. And she saw, and then he laid a different egg and they cracked it open and it was, it was a boiled egg and all that. You can, the whole, even Jimmy Kimmel's like, what, where the fuck is this interview going?

• 34:47Speaker 03

  Laid an egg.

• 34:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:48Speaker 03

  What like?

• 34:49Speaker 02

  She's just making shit up, but she's telling it like it's real. It's funny, it's entertaining. I was like, this is what I need. I need some fake news stories to go on chat shows with me.

• 34:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. I, I would like to see you go on a chat show and ping a boiled egg, fire it out of your fanny and go, you know what?

• 35:05Speaker 02

  Why not? Nature's pockets, we might as well make more use of it. I remember going to a sex show in Bangkok once. And one of the girls on stage, she poured water up herself.

• 35:18Speaker 03

  Solid.

• 35:19Speaker 02

  And then kind of squatted over a Coca-Cola bottle and the liquid that came back out of her vagina was like the colour of cola. And then she handed it to an audience member and he drank it.

• 35:31Speaker 03

  Well, you know what, right? I had, I had a bit of problem a few, maybe, when did I last go Thailand? I think I was like thirty and I got really obsessed with going to these strip clubs.

• 35:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:43Speaker 03

  With the trans girls and I was like, I, I, I, I was like an old, I was like an old man. Like I was, ah, that's so beautiful. Yeah, I was going to the cash point. I was like pulling out loads of money. I was like, oh, they love me. I don't like. Yeah. And then I remember my mate came out, um, I had some friends then came out and met me and, cause I was on my own at first. Ha, ha, ha. Anyways, and then I had some friends come out and met me and I remember me and my mate Simon just being like, yeah, should we go to the, should we go to the strip clubs? And then one of them offered us like a soapy bath. He's like, should we go and have a so, and I was like, yeah. And I was like, no, no, wait.

• 36:16Speaker 02

  What did they offer?

• 36:17Speaker 03

  Get back in.

• 36:17Speaker 02

  Who offered you a soapy bath?

• 36:19Speaker 03

  Um, one of the dancers. It was like, you can, there's another place in the back where you can have a soapy bath. And then I was like, Michelle's time. It's time, it's time to stop.

• 36:29Speaker 02

  I would pay.

• 36:30Speaker 03

  Time to leave these clubs, stop spending your money.

• 36:32Speaker 02

  I would pay good money to watch you go to a soapy bath off a dancer.

• 36:35Speaker 03

  Well, so would I. That was the problem. I was like, I'm gonna pay good money to do that.

• 36:39Speaker 02

  Lowered into the bath by all these gorgeous women and just getting soaked up. That sounds really sexy.

• 36:44Speaker 04

  There's a trouble documentary in that.

• 36:46Speaker 02

  There is.

• 36:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm dirty and I need to be washed clean.

• 36:56Speaker 05

  You're listening to a quick ad. You know what else is quick? Selling your car on Carvana. Just put in your vehicle information and we'll give you an offer. Done. No hassle, no negotiation, no guy from an online listing lowballing you. Which means by the time I'm done explaining this, you could have basically done it.

• 37:20Speaker 05

  Still haven't started? Hey, better late than ever. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pickup fees may apply.

• 37:28Speaker 03

  I'm really bad with faces, man. So like sometimes I'll be like, try to like recalibrate in the moment and hope that they don't notice. And they're looking at you like, you don't know.

• 37:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, I know.

• 37:37Speaker 03

  Who the fuck am I?

• 37:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:38Speaker 03

  You've just got to call everyone babe and keep it moving.

• 37:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:41Speaker 03

  Do you know what I mean? I once did a gig of my, my, my.

• 37:45Speaker 02

  Babe, babe. Michelle, my, my dear friend, do you mind if I blow a smoke up your hell for a second?

• 37:52Speaker 03

  I would love you to.

• 37:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, I thought you would.

• 37:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:55Speaker 02

  You are one of the best stand-ups I've ever seen in my life.

• 37:57Speaker 03

  Keep it coming.

• 37:58Speaker 02

  You are so talented.

• 37:59Speaker 03

  Nice.

• 38:00Speaker 02

  I'm not even going to talk about your looks because they're the least interesting thing about you.

• 38:03Speaker 03

  But go on.

• 38:04Speaker 02

  But you're a fucking knockout.

• 38:05Speaker 03

  Thanks, mate.

• 38:06Speaker 02

  Remember that guy we were with that night?

• 38:08Speaker 03

  Is it awkward being in my company?

• 38:09Speaker 02

  It is a bit. It is. It is. Yeah, I don't, I mean.

• 38:14Speaker 03

  Not me coming on, me coming on your podcast, I'm like, so what else? But let me find my light, Joe, if you could get the wind machine going, that'd be amazing. Thanks.

• 38:25Speaker 02

  I just, but you're in a different league and we don't, your looks, we don't even talk about your looks. We've, we've moved on. You're, you're, there, as a man once said to me, and it was the nicest compliment I've ever had in my life. It breaks my heart because I've never had anything as nice said to me before. He said, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever met, but it's the least interesting thing about you.

• 38:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's what men say when they're. Yeah, that's, that's, that's some, that is hinge day 101.

• 38:48Speaker 02

  No, we were in love.

• 38:49Speaker 03

  Oh, sorry.

• 38:50Speaker 02

  I mean, if it was Hinge Day 101, I'd be like, that's a bit much. No, this was an act back when I used to actually take on men full time in relationships. Now I kind of microdose. But, my point is, you're on tour at the moment.

• 39:02Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 39:02Speaker 02

  And you are a fucking joy to watch.

• 39:05Speaker 03

  Joanne McNally, thank you, because I, I think it's so funny, like, we're, we're both on tour and we're chatting. And you'll be like, oh god, I'm trying to sell out this arena. I'm like, just did a hundred seater in Southend, mate. And let me tell you something, I'll rip the roof off it. Um, so, these are my dates that I've got coming up. For the love of fucking god, right? I know, no one can fill up a room with white women more than you.

• 39:30Speaker 02

  It's true, it's, sometimes it does look like a rally.

• 39:32Speaker 03

  It is. Oh my god, Jo, I remember the first time I saw you at the Palladium. I was like, I didn't know there was this many white women in London, let alone in the Palladium. I was shooketh. Anyway, um, please, if any of you want to wander on over to me, I would love that. I'm doing, starting from next year, Oxford, yeah? Swindon, Exeter, Southampton, Brighton, Bristol, you [BLEEP]. Nottingham, Liverpool, Southend, again, shit, alright? Farnham, where the fuck is that?

• 40:02Speaker 02

  Where's Farnham?

• 40:03Speaker 03

  Do you know what I mean? Oh, great. Maidenstone, there you go, have some of that, please come.

• 40:10Speaker 02

  Is Swindon your Winnipeg?

• 40:12Speaker 03

  Mate, do you know what? They all are, to be honest, because, you know, the first dates sold out so quickly. And then these dates, I've done fuck all to promote them, as you know. But you've got such a good, you're so good with that. Like, I always am like, how, if I could talk into the camera at home?

• 40:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:28Speaker 03

  The way you do.

• 40:29Speaker 02

  Well, you can. You just choose not to.

• 40:32Speaker 04

  It takes an edit, Michelle, she's not doing that.

• 40:34Speaker 03

  She ain't doing it off the bat. That's, that, that, that, that's the seventh take, innit?

• 40:38Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 40:38Speaker 03

  She's like, go on now.

• 40:40Speaker 02

  Possibly the 12th.

• 40:41Speaker 04

  The best sell that Joanne does for her tours is when Vogue does it for her.

• 40:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, I stored her on Fama on the dates.

• 40:47Speaker 03

  Now, let's have a little chat, because I am, and also, I'd just like to say, as someone who really loves the format, if I was listening to Ghosted now and I heard my voice, I'd be like, wait, what? Do you know what I mean? Because I'm, I'm, I'm a sucker for a format. I like everything to stay the same, so. I am. Anyway, as a long time listener, first time guest, I think it's so, what I love, yeah, is like, I remember in the early days of you doing Ghosted, the way you would be like, oh, just the adverts, oh my god, me doing the adverts, Michelle, it's so cringe. And now, when I listen to you on Ghosted, it cracks me up because Vogue will be chatting and without missing a beat, you'll be like, well, yeah, exactly, I like drinking water and there's

• 41:28Speaker 03

  nothing better to hydrate with than, and I'm like, ow, someone is deep in, you're like, Vogue, what are you doing for Christmas? Because you know there's nowhere better to shop for for parties. And I'm like, hey, it's like seeing your little girl grow up, do you know what I mean? You go from like, I feel so awkward. And you're like, you know what's great for awkwardness? Is BetterHelp. I'm like, uh huh.

• 41:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, do you know what's so funny? But like, isn't it, Jo? Do you remember her in the early days? Yeah, at the start, I was terrible. And now she's like, croaked. But at the start, I was all about like, the creative journey of it all. And I am still massively. But I can tell you, as I age, and like you with the mortgage and all, you get more, I'm more business minded now. Even on this peanut fat tour, like Prosecco, I don't think I ever looked at a single statement, settlement, I didn't know how much my ticket price, I knew nothing, I knew nothing. There was money coming into the account. I just, that's all I knew. Whereas this time, I'm like, okay, let's, let's be a little more business savvy this time around. Like, who's that person on the settlement?

• 42:26Speaker 03

  Look at it, girl, you can ride there, but also be on time.

• 42:30Speaker 02

  You're on a bike, yeah, you're getting easier to take around.

• 42:36Speaker 02

  That's it for this week. Thanks so much for listening. You can follow Michelle at?

• 42:39Speaker 03

  You can follow me on Instagram or TikTok. It's my name, Michelle Deswol. You see how shit I am at it?

• 42:46Speaker 02

  I know, it's really hard.

• 42:47Speaker 03

  It's pathetic, isn't it?

• 42:48Speaker 02

  It's so hard.

• 42:48Speaker 03

  Joanne McNally, thanks for having me. I'm a massive fan of the show, have been since day dot. So to be sat with you is nothing short of underwhelming.