MFM Minisode 499

This week’s hometowns include grandma's vape secret and a baby race at the mall. For our sources, please visit https://www.myfavoritemurder.com/episodes. Support this podcast by shopping our latest sponsor deals and promotions at this link: https://bit.ly/3UFCn1g. Head to social media to share your favorite moments from this episode. Instagram: instagram.com/myfavoritemurder http://instagram.com/myfavoritemurder Facebook: facebook.com/myfavoritemurder http://facebook.com/myfavoritemurder TikTok: tiktok.com/@my_favorite_murder http://tiktok.com/@my_favorite_murder Send your hometown stories to [email protected] mailto:[email protected]. Join the Fan Cult to access ad-free episodes of My Favorite Murder. Members also receive merch store discounts, exclusive audio and video content and more! Visit www.fancult.supercast.com http://www.fancult.supercast.com/ to join. Shop for My Favorite Murder and other Exactly Right merchandise here: www.exactlyrightstore.com https://www.exactlyrightstore.com. Rate, review and follow My Favorite Murder on the iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you like to listen. See omnystudio.com/listener https://omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This is exactly right.

• 0:07Speaker 00

  911, what's your emergency?

• 0:10Speaker 01

  Please help us. They're everywhere. We think they're murder hornets. 911 Nashville returns.

• 0:17Speaker 02

  It's a homicide detective down here.

• 0:19Speaker 03

  Three bodies on the ground.

• 0:20Speaker 01

  With emergencies of biblical proportions.

• 0:23Speaker 03

  Hell, since swarms upon you and upon your people.

• 0:26Speaker 02

  That's one of the plagues of the Bible.

• 0:27Speaker 03

  And somebody's unleashing them on Nashville.

• 0:30Speaker 01

  Brian Phillippe, 911 Nashville. All new Thursdays on ABC, next day on Hulu.

• 0:37Speaker 00

  Whether you're buying, renting, or selling, Zillow can help make your someday today. To help find a home that fits where you are in life, or that apartment that's a little closer to where you want to be. Zillow has the right information, tools, and support to help turn your future home into a reality. Because someday starts today. Visit zillow.com/today to get started.

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• 1:48Georgia Hardstark?

  Hello and welcome.

• 1:50Karen Kilgariff?

  To my favorite murder.

• 1:51Georgia Hardstark?

  The mini-soad.

• 1:52Karen Kilgariff?

  We read you your stories and?

• 1:55Georgia Hardstark?

  What?

• 1:57Karen Kilgariff?

  And have summertime fun.

• 1:58Georgia Hardstark?

  Yay, you go first.

• 2:00Karen Kilgariff?

  That really got serious for a second. Okay, this is a good way to kick this off.

• 2:04Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah.

• 2:07Karen Kilgariff?

  The subject line of this email is "The Were Pig." "I grew up on a farm..." We just get right into it. There's not even a hello.

• 2:13Georgia Hardstark?

  Good.

• 2:15Karen Kilgariff?

  "I grew up on a farm in rural North Georgia. Think big pastures broken up by dense forests of pine trees. Well, during the summer and after school most days, my eight cousins and I would be kept by my sweet grandmother, who instead of having eight elementary school children in her house from 2:30 to 8:00 PM, would kick us out to play outside. Now, this was in the early 2000s, so she could have just plopped us in front of the TV with some SpongeBob and a popsicle and called it a day, but we're glad she didn't let us rot our brains." Instead, yeah, because she didn't want you in the house. "Instead, we would go play outside in the woods and the cow pastures until the sun went down. And boy, do I have stories about being chased by bulls, physically attacked by a black swan, and falling into literal quicksand of cow shit." Because she couldn't keep a close eye on us,

• 3:01Karen Kilgariff?

  she called in the help of the were pig. "The were pig was a werewolf-like pig that lived in the woods and would watch us to make sure that we were being good, and if we were bad, would eat us, just like he did the neighbor kid."

• 3:15Georgia Hardstark?

  A threat with an imaginary, like beast.

• 3:19Karen Kilgariff?

  Crypto, crypto, yeah.

• 3:21Georgia Hardstark?

  Cryptoid. That's killed before.

• 3:23Karen Kilgariff?

  That's killed children before. And then it says, "This might sound bad, but what's worse is all of our parents, my five uncles, and my dad adopted the were pig to do their bidding."

• 3:33Georgia Hardstark?

  Oh, my God.

• 3:35Karen Kilgariff?

  "When we were in our early teens, one of my uncles actually dressed up like the were pig and scared the shit out of us while we were playing flashlight tag in the woods."

• 3:44Georgia Hardstark?

  Oh, I would pay a lot for that video.

• 3:47Karen Kilgariff?

  The screaming, the sharp... The screaming, then the crying, and then the, "Oh, come on."

• 3:53Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:54Karen Kilgariff?

  It was after Thanksgiving. "Needless to say, we were all traumatized by the were pig and kept a close eye on the woods. Years later, we were all joking at a family dinner and found out that our grandmother and our parents had a family meeting to discuss what to do about our behavior when we were kids. Thus, the were pig was born." That's how bad they were.

• 4:14Georgia Hardstark?

  It's like a cult, kind of.

• 4:16Karen Kilgariff?

  "Here's the agreed lie."

• 4:17Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah.

• 4:18Karen Kilgariff?

  "Tell the children."

• 4:19Georgia Hardstark?

  I think the movie "Hereditary" is based on that.

• 4:22Karen Kilgariff?

  It's a real, by any means necessary, way of raising children.

• 4:24Georgia Hardstark?

  It sounds like it works.

• 4:25Karen Kilgariff?

  I think so. And it says, "Stay sexy and watch out for the were pig, Maddie."

• 4:30Georgia Hardstark?

  Were pig.

• 4:32Karen Kilgariff?

  And also, it's a pig that's watching you.

• 4:34Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah.

• 4:34Karen Kilgariff?

  That's pretty creepy.

• 4:35Georgia Hardstark?

  And kills children. Most importantly.

• 4:38Karen Kilgariff?

  Just eat some right up.

• 4:38Georgia Hardstark?

  Kills children.

• 4:39Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah. "Did you like your bacon yesterday morning at breakfast? Well, now I'm here to eat you." Revenge.

• 4:51Georgia Hardstark?

  Okay, years later, my confession. It's called, it's very funny.

• 4:57Georgia Hardstark?

  And then I have to do this. "What's up, dudes and dudettes? First off, thank you both for everything you do. You've been my comfort podcast since the summer of 2016, when I was 15."

• 5:09Karen Kilgariff?

  Wow.

• 5:10Georgia Hardstark?

  Now, for my confession. "In 2018, when I was 17, my grandmother passed away due to the long-term effects of smoking. That detail becomes important later. Our entire family gathered at her retirement community to celebrate her life. There were so many friends there, which honestly surprised me because, let's just say, Grandma wasn't exactly known for her warm and fuzzy personality. Not with kids, at least. After the celebration, the immediate family went back to her apartment to pack up her belongings. When my mom was cleaning, she suddenly held something up off the floor. What's this? My vape." That's, she didn't say it, but it's her vape. "The same vape I'd gotten caught with about a month earlier. Apparently, I dropped it during one of my visits.

• 5:55Georgia Hardstark?

  Immediately, my brain went into survival mode. Without missing a beat, I gasped, 'Grandma, vapes?'"

• 6:03Georgia Hardstark?

  The room erupted. No way, seriously? I had no idea. While everyone was busy processing this shocking revelation, I realized I had one chance to save myself. If Grandma owned a vape, she'd probably have a charger too. I casually walked over to my backpack, pulled out my vape charger, slipped it into my pocket, waited for everyone to get distracted again, and quietly tucked it into her nightstand drawer."

• 6:26Karen Kilgariff?

  Evil.

• 6:26Georgia Hardstark?

  Like doubling down on evil.

• 6:28Karen Kilgariff?

  Just being like, well, I have to, I really have to send this home.

• 6:31Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah.

• 6:31Karen Kilgariff?

  This is like...

• 6:32Georgia Hardstark?

  Someone's gonna say, like, as if anyone who doesn't have a vape knows that you have to charge it.

• 6:37Karen Kilgariff?

  It's your grandmother. She, oh, yeah.

• 6:40Georgia Hardstark?

  She smoked.

• 6:41Karen Kilgariff?

  She likes sweet apple vape.

• 6:43Georgia Hardstark?

  No, no, she smoked cigarettes. She wasn't particularly warm and fuzzy.

• 6:46Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah, that's true, but vaping is like a step beyond. She's not a fucking kid on the corner with a very small BMX bike.

• 6:53Georgia Hardstark?

  No. Tucked into her nightstand drawer. Mission accomplished. A few hours later, my dad opened the drawer. "Guys, I found the charger." Hooked line sinker. She's 17.

• 7:03Karen Kilgariff?

  Okay.

• 7:03Georgia Hardstark?

  Which is like what you're supposed to do when you're 17.

• 7:04Karen Kilgariff?

  No, that's fine.

• 7:06Georgia Hardstark?

  My mom spent the rest of the weekend telling everyone that apparently Grandma had secretly switched from cigarettes to vaping.

• 7:12Karen Kilgariff?

  Gossip.

• 7:13Georgia Hardstark?

  Meanwhile, I stood there nodding along like I was hearing this groundbreaking information for the first time.

• 7:18Karen Kilgariff?

  What a little shit.

• 7:20Georgia Hardstark?

  That is a little shit.

• 7:21Karen Kilgariff?

  Can you believe it?

• 7:23Georgia Hardstark?

  But I love it. Unfortunately, my parents threw both the vape and charger into the apartment dumpster, which meant I had to recover the evidence.

• 7:33Georgia Hardstark?

  This could have ended here.

• 7:34Karen Kilgariff?

  Yes.

• 7:35Georgia Hardstark?

  "That night, I put on my best gloves, fashioned a trash bag into what can only be described as a dumpster-diving poncho, and climbed into the dumpster to rescue my vape. I still have it. It's been sitting on my nightstand for the past seven years as a trophy commemorating the greatest cover-up of my teenage years."

• 7:54Karen Kilgariff?

  So, it went down, like, people just believed that? And that's, that's...

• 7:58Georgia Hardstark?

  I'm 25 now, and as far as I know, no one has ever figured it out.

• 8:03Karen Kilgariff?

  That's insane. But I mean, then it's almost worse. It's like...

• 8:06Georgia Hardstark?

  Play, she has to play this for them.

• 8:08Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah.

• 8:08Georgia Hardstark?

  Oh, it's Z. Sorry. He has to play this for them.

• 8:11Karen Kilgariff?

  I mean, but so good.

• 8:13Georgia Hardstark?

  It's so good. Every now and then, when my family's all together, I'll casually say, "Remember when we found out Grandma vaped?" Everyone nods, I smile, and absolutely no one suspects a thing. I'd like to think my grandmother would have appreciated the commitment to the bit. She had a mischievous streak herself. "Stay sexy and don't, or do, frame your dead grandmother." Z, he, him.

• 8:36Karen Kilgariff?

  I love that story.

• 8:38Georgia Hardstark?

  So good.

• 8:39Karen Kilgariff?

  I also love the idea that maybe he's suggesting that his grandma would have bought into the, like, "Oh, it's fine. Tell them whatever you want."

• 8:47Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah, yeah. Oh, yep, that's my vape.

• 8:49Karen Kilgariff?

  That's my vape. No one else did it.

• 8:50Georgia Hardstark?

  Who cares?

• 8:51Karen Kilgariff?

  And my charger's in the drawer.

• 8:53Georgia Hardstark?

  Z, you have to play this for your family, like, at Christmas.

• 8:56Karen Kilgariff?

  Gather everyone around.

• 8:57Georgia Hardstark?

  Get everyone around.

• 8:58Karen Kilgariff?

  We'll edit out all the fucks in this, and such, so you can do it at a holiday.

• 9:11Speaker 01

  We think they're murder warnings. 911 Nashville returns.

• 9:16Speaker 02

  What's a homicide detective doing here?

• 9:18Speaker 03

  Three bodies on the ground.

• 9:19Speaker 01

  With emergencies of biblical proportions.

• 9:22Speaker 03

  Hell, since swarms upon you and upon your people.

• 9:24Speaker 02

  That's one of the plagues of the Bible.

• 9:26Speaker 03

  And somebody's unleashing them on Nashville.

• 9:29Speaker 01

  Brian Phillippe joins 911 Nashville. All new Thursdays on ABC, next day on Hulu.

• 9:36Speaker 00

  Whether you're buying, renting, or selling, Zillow can help make your someday today. To help find a home that fits where you are in life, or that apartment that's a little closer to where you want to be. Zillow has the right information, tools, and support to help turn your future home into a reality. Because someday starts today. Visit zillow.com/today to get started.

• 10:02Karen Kilgariff?

  Okay, here's my next one. The subject line is "I dated a con artist." And it says, "Hello, beautiful people. I was recently talking to a couple of friends, and a story I had repressed for a while came up, and I thought, what better way to deal with this than to write into a murder podcast? When I was about 19, I'd recently come out of a serious relationship and was pretty naive in the way the world worked. And that's when I met Brad. He was a very charismatic person, well-dressed, full of great stories, hubris, and he was the king of flattery. He was also a doctor, working at a hospital nearby as a surgeon, and we'd often meet after his work with him still wearing his medical scrubs. Overall, I really liked the guy. You can get scrubs at CVS, everybody. Looking back, there were a couple of warning signs that didn't add up,

• 10:47Karen Kilgariff?

  like him living in a tiny house with a roommate he constantly complained about, even though he was on a surgeon's salary and should easily be able to move out. Or that he changed his luxury car every couple of weeks without ever worrying about parking fines. I found out a few months into the relationship why this was when I was awoken at his place one Saturday morning with very loud knocks at the door. It was a police raid. I had absolutely no idea what was happening when they took Brad away in handcuffs along with laptops, electronics, and documents. As much as I begged the police, they wouldn't tell me anything for privacy reasons. After putting on my detective hat and doing some digging, I realized he wasn't a surgeon. He wasn't even working at the hospital. The man I'd been dating for months was a con man.

• 11:30Karen Kilgariff?

  His MO was to meet people selling their cars online dressed as a surgeon, give them a check. Sorry. It's so good when there's costumes.

• 11:40Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah, sell it. You gotta sell it.

• 11:42Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah, anything to make, trick people into trusting him.

• 11:44Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah.

• 11:45Karen Kilgariff?

  Give them a check or false proof of payment transfer, and then take their car. He would then sell or swap the latest vehicle and continue on his way. His charisma would allow him to trick others into handing him large amounts of cash that they would never see again. He was eventually let out on bail and fled across the country where he did similar things to many others before being caught and sent to prison for a few years. I wanted to just let everyone listening know that this kind of thing can happen to anyone, and that it doesn't make you stupid or worth less than anyone else. These people are good at what they do, and we can just be more aware and put our stories out there in the hope that it can help others. Thank you for all you do and keeping me sane during trying times. Stay sexy and be wary of surgeons. Callum.

• 12:31Georgia Hardstark?

  Be wary of overly flattering people. Like, as much as I wish Vince would tell me how great I look every time I dress up, which I have to remind him to do. If he did it, I wouldn't believe him. I'd be like, what's wrong? Why are you doing that?

• 12:42Karen Kilgariff?

  You're like, stop it.

• 12:43Georgia Hardstark?

  What did you do?

• 12:44Karen Kilgariff?

  Yes. The flattery, and I think the kind of like, it's one thing to show up in scrubs because you're just like a surgeon that's working your ass off. But then it's like the cars, it's like the levels. I feel like a lot of times scammers don't know when to stop.

• 12:58Georgia Hardstark?

  Right.

• 12:59Karen Kilgariff?

  They don't keep it real.

• 13:00Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah, like surgeons, let us know. Like, do you wear your scrubs, like, on your way home?

• 13:04Karen Kilgariff?

  Do you love to just meet people at a wine bar in scrubs just to see if people will love it?

• 13:09Georgia Hardstark?

  That's kind of gross. Like, the amount of, like, a biohazard issue.

• 13:12Karen Kilgariff?

  Old blood.

• 13:13Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah. Puss.

• 13:15Karen Kilgariff?

  If you're a, if you're a medical student or a surgeon, and you can tell us about bloody scrub stories.

• 13:21Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah. Tell us your best scrub stories.

• 13:23Karen Kilgariff?

  Tell us your, I told you, I know I've told you. This is like a 2016 Pat story.

• 13:27Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah.

• 13:28Karen Kilgariff?

  Driving to work in her whites, car accident in front of her on the 101.

• 13:32Georgia Hardstark?

  Yes.

• 13:33Karen Kilgariff?

  She goes and leans on the thing, and so she gets blood on the front because she's talking to the guy who has a glass in his forehead. And then she turns to walk back to her car with blood on her whites. And then a friend of ours from Petaluma drives by and thinks it's my mom wandering on the side of the road.

• 13:46Georgia Hardstark?

  Oh, my God.

• 13:49Karen Kilgariff?

  Just a total shit show.

• 13:51Georgia Hardstark?

  So that's the story. Karen just gave you a great example.

• 13:53Karen Kilgariff?

  If you can't beat that, then stay home.

• 13:56Georgia Hardstark?

  Okay. Last episode, we had a bunch of good scammer stories, and there were so many leftover that I deserve.

• 14:02Karen Kilgariff?

  We just love them so much.

• 14:04Georgia Hardstark?

  They're so good.

• 14:05Karen Kilgariff?

  Please send in yours. Especially, I am enjoying the take-home part of, this happened to me, don't let it happen to you.

• 14:11Georgia Hardstark?

  That, and also, I was the scammer. Those are great, too.

• 14:14Karen Kilgariff?

  Especially if you were, like, seven years old.

• 14:15Georgia Hardstark?

  Totally, exactly. So, okay, this is called Scammer Fangirl Summer. And this sounds like it would have happened to me when I was 19, so I love it. Hello, wonderful ladies and crew. I listened to the Anna Delvey episode and heard you asking for more scammer stories, so I figured I'd share mine. Back in 2014, a young adult me was a huge fan of a pop-rock boy band that was starting to get pretty big. And then no name. Like, we have to know.

• 14:40Karen Kilgariff?

  Don't be ashamed of loving, who could it have been?

• 14:43Georgia Hardstark?

  2014? I wasn't, I don't fucking know.

• 14:45Karen Kilgariff?

  A boy band in 2014?

• 14:47Georgia Hardstark?

  It's gotta be a K-pop band?

• 14:49Karen Kilgariff?

  Oh, maybe, yeah. Were there any?

• 14:52Georgia Hardstark?

  I don't know.

• 14:53Karen Kilgariff?

  I mean, just continuing to love One Direction through chill 2014?

• 14:57Georgia Hardstark?

  It could be, yeah. None of my friends were into them, so I often went to concerts alone and made friends there, which I love.

• 15:03Karen Kilgariff?

  How?

• 15:04Georgia Hardstark?

  I know. One girl, let's call her Abby, and I quickly became close. Abby suggested we follow the band's 2015 summer tour through Vegas, San Diego, and LA. The deal was that she'd pay for the flights and I'd cover the hotels. The catch: she lived in the middle of nowhere, so I had to take a five-hour bus ride to her hometown and fly out with her.

• 15:24Karen Kilgariff?

  No.

• 15:25Georgia Hardstark?

  Already sketch.

• 15:25Karen Kilgariff?

  Incorrect.

• 15:26Georgia Hardstark?

  The first half of the trip was great. The second half is when I started noticing Abby's scammer tendencies. She claimed she had lost her only debit card, so I supposedly needed to cover all our food and gas expenses. That story fell apart when I caught her using the card to buy a drink. She also showed her crazy side by getting obscenely drunk at one of the concerts and started hysterically sobbing that the drummer might be dating a model. Then, on the last day of the trip, she informed me that she couldn't drive me home from the tiny airport we'd fly back into. There were no buses available for two days back to my home city. So she was stuck in the small town with Abby still.

• 16:03Karen Kilgariff?

  Fuck.

• 16:05Georgia Hardstark?

  Young, inexperienced, broke from the trip, and panicking, I called my dad from our Detroit layover. He booked me a separate flight home from there. The problem was that my checked luggage would continue to Abby's airport. Abby happily offered to pick up my bag and ship it to me. The vibes were terrible, but I didn't have another option. When you just want to be home from a trip.

• 16:26Karen Kilgariff?

  But also, can't the option be that you just have the airline do it for you? And just like, no one else has to touch it?

• 16:31Georgia Hardstark?

  I think not when you're a kid, you know?

• 16:34Karen Kilgariff?

  Can't we go back and fix this luggage issue?

• 16:37Georgia Hardstark?

  Once we got, it gets worse. Once we got home, Abby claimed my luggage had been lost, and even gave me a baggage claim number. When I checked with the-

• 16:44Karen Kilgariff?

  48297?

• 16:45Georgia Hardstark?

  Exactly. When I checked with the airline, the claim didn't exist. Airport security and the police got involved, which is so surprising. And sure enough, surveillance footage showed Abby taking my suitcase. She doubled down and claimed she thought it was my bag, then said it turned out not to be, and brought it back. She did not. Airport security zoomed in on the footage, and my name tag was clearly visible the entire time.

• 17:08Karen Kilgariff?

  It's the airports.

• 17:10Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah, right.

• 17:11Karen Kilgariff?

  You're not sneaking in and sneaking out and doing your own thing.

• 17:14Georgia Hardstark?

  No. The police told Abby that if she returned everything to the airport, no charges would be filed. About a week later, I finally got my luggage back minus a bag I'd bought in LA. At that point, I was willing to eat the $100 loss just to be done with her. Then Abby blocked me and all my friends on social media.

• 17:30Karen Kilgariff?

  That's how you do it.

• 17:31Georgia Hardstark?

  When I started warning other fans online, my DMs filled up with stories from girls she'd scammed. One said Abby took her for over $1,000 for concert tickets that never existed. The worst was a girl who had originally planned to go with us on the tour. She gave Abby $700 for the trip, then backed out. Abby kept the money. That $700, it paid for both of our flights. Imagine my guilt when I realized I'd spent the entire trip on that poor girl's dime. Fast forward to 2022, I discovered Abby had become a fangirl of another boy band. She was now selling counterfeit merch, still going scammer strong.

• 18:09Karen Kilgariff?

  Wow.

• 18:09Georgia Hardstark?

  Anyway, stay sexy and don't go on trips with crazy delulu fangirls, especially the ones who genuinely believe they're going to date the drummer. Anonymous.

• 18:18Karen Kilgariff?

  It's so embarrassing to think, because when you're drunk, that stuff comes out.

• 18:23Georgia Hardstark?

  And you start crying.

• 18:23Karen Kilgariff?

  And you're just like, have you ever done that? Where you're so shitfaced and you come to, and you're like, what am I crying about right now? This is really weird.

• 18:29Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah.

• 18:30Karen Kilgariff?

  And it's like, because the drummer doesn't like you.

• 18:32Georgia Hardstark?

  The drummer we never met is dating a model.

• 18:37Speaker 07

  911, what's your emergency? Help us, they're everywhere. We think they're murder hornets.

• 18:45Speaker 01

  911 Nashville returns.

• 18:47Speaker 02

  What's a homicide detective doing here?

• 18:49Speaker 03

  Three bodies on the ground.

• 18:51Speaker 01

  With emergencies of biblical proportions.

• 18:53Speaker 03

  Hell, since swarms upon you and upon your people.

• 18:56Speaker 02

  That's one of the plagues of the Bible.

• 18:58Speaker 03

  And somebody's unleashing them on Nashville.

• 19:00Speaker 01

  Brian Phillippe joins 911 Nashville. All new Thursdays on ABC, next day on Hulu.

• 19:07Speaker 00

  Whether you're buying, renting, or selling, Zillow can help make your someday today. To help find a home that fits where you are in life, or that apartment that's a little closer to where you want to be. Zillow has the right information, tools, and support to help turn your future home into a reality. Because someday starts today. Visit zillow.com/today to get started.

• 19:34Karen Kilgariff?

  All right, see, uh, this is, this is kind of random, but I, I just really loved it. Okay, I won't read you the subject line. It says, hello, picture it, 1987, downtown Salem, Oregon. The drive-through divorce is open, and the sweet chemical smell of salon perms is in the air. I am one year old, riding in my stroller for another day of errands with my mom and pre-teen sisters. We enter Nordstrom's. Are we here to browse cool, cool clothes at the Brass Plum? No. The Brass Plum, I spent so much time there. No, we turn to the children's shoes section across the aisle. Before you know it, I'm on my feet with a collection of toddlers, and a path has been cleared. A bell rings. My family is cheering me on,

• 20:17Karen Kilgariff?

  and I run as fast as my little chubby legs will go. What could possibly be happening right now? A baby race at the mall?

• 20:24Georgia Hardstark?

  Yes, baby race.

• 20:26Karen Kilgariff?

  Baby race.

• 20:26Georgia Hardstark?

  Hell, yeah. I would fucking, I would put money down on that one.

• 20:30Karen Kilgariff?

  And then it says, one that I most definitely did not sign up for. That's right, there's no consent.

• 20:35Georgia Hardstark?

  No.

• 20:36Karen Kilgariff?

  As luck would have it, I won. I left those other babies in my wake and was awarded a bright white pair of Wii box.

• 20:43Georgia Hardstark?

  Oh.

• 20:44Karen Kilgariff?

  And then it says, you read that correctly. Thus concludes my one and only athletic achievement to date. In subsequent years, I found my true calling, coloring contests. I didn't have an allowance, so I entered them all, winning cookies, gift certificates, one hamster.

• 20:59Georgia Hardstark?

  Wow.

• 21:00Karen Kilgariff?

  And my first real bike. Stay sexy and collect prizes.

• 21:04Georgia Hardstark?

  Damn.

• 21:04Karen Kilgariff?

  Leslie, I know, I love it. P.S., one day, I will find an email, my second grade essay response to what's your favorite movie? Mine was The Fugitive. I watched it with my parents, I was eight, but Karen's right, it is a perfect movie.

• 21:19Georgia Hardstark?

  Okay, I'll watch it. Please send us your, like, contest-winning stories.

• 21:24Karen Kilgariff?

  As a child?

• 21:24Georgia Hardstark?

  As a child, was your mom, like, obsessed with sending in the con? You know, there's like, I love those people who just win contests because that's all they fucking do with their free time?

• 21:32Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah.

• 21:32Georgia Hardstark?

  Is like, enter contests?

• 21:33Karen Kilgariff?

  Or like, did you win your school?

• 21:36Georgia Hardstark?

  Yes.

• 21:36Karen Kilgariff?

  Or regional spelling bee?

• 21:37Georgia Hardstark?

  Or your, like, mall modeling contest?

• 21:40Karen Kilgariff?

  Did you? Anything, we want to know.

• 21:43Georgia Hardstark?

  I love those, I want to hear them. Okay, one more. Okay, this is like, basically a trash child story.

• 21:49Karen Kilgariff?

  Okay.

• 21:49Georgia Hardstark?

  I was a child extortionist. Hey, team, so I was about eight years old. My aunt was having a house party, and none of the attendees, including my mother, bothered to get a babysitter. Of course not, there's so many adults there. I pay for fucking another adult to be there.

• 22:04Karen Kilgariff?

  Sorry, the 80s?

• 22:06Georgia Hardstark?

  90s.

• 22:06Karen Kilgariff?

  The 90s.

• 22:07Georgia Hardstark?

  So in classic 90s fashion, they sent me and three other children, including my little cousin, to the playroom, declaring that I was the oldest and therefore in charge. She's eight.

• 22:17Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah.

• 22:18Georgia Hardstark?

  I was the high queen of benevolent ruler, and they were all welcome for being in my cool, big kid presence. I led multiple expeditions to spy on the adults before we were chased back into the playroom. And finally, we were told that if we didn't stay upstairs, we'd have to go to bed early. That was their ultimate mistake, they let us stay awake.

• 22:37Karen Kilgariff?

  Also, what were they doing down there?

• 22:39Georgia Hardstark?

  Fucking having adult.

• 22:40Karen Kilgariff?

  Adult time.

• 22:41Georgia Hardstark?

  Shit, man, whatever it is, smoking indoors.

• 22:44Karen Kilgariff?

  Yes, bitchin'.

• 22:45Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah. There were two bathrooms, one that was only accessible by walking through my aunt and uncle's bedroom, and one at the top of the stairs. My six-year-old cousin and I worked out that only family would use the downstairs bathroom, and therefore, they were unlikely to see what we were doing in front of the other. We locked arms and formed a child blockade at the top of the stairs, then waited until all the drunk adults at the party started stumbling up the stairs to try to use the bathroom. They were basically met with the tiniest mob bosses this side of upstate New York. At first, we accepted quarters for bathroom entry, but then one of the adults negotiated four bathroom trips for a whole dollar. Some drunk fucking dude's like, listen, I don't want to have to keep giving you guys quarters.

• 23:28Karen Kilgariff?

  I'm buying myself the night.

• 23:30Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah. Work got around, but not to our parents, and a very sweaty 20-something climbed the stairs slowly, holding out a $20 for full access all night.

• 23:40Karen Kilgariff?

  Yes.

• 23:40Georgia Hardstark?

  We were in business.

• 23:42Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah.

• 23:43Georgia Hardstark?

  The party went late, and the other two kids went home with their parents. So it was just my little cousin and I, happily asleep at the top of the stairs, when our parents found out how we had been spending the evening. My aunt had her friend, who had worked out the four-trip deal with us, demand that we give his dollar back. Fuck that shit.

• 23:59Karen Kilgariff?

  No.

• 23:59Georgia Hardstark?

  Parents were. We did, but I guess no one else snitched because we walked away with?

• 24:05Karen Kilgariff?

  20?

• 24:06Georgia Hardstark?

  $45 that night.

• 24:08Karen Kilgariff?

  Jesus Christ.

• 24:10Georgia Hardstark?

  We had told some of the folks we scammed that we were donating the money to an animal shelter. And after a couple of days of secret candy, we felt guilty enough that we put the rest, about $25, in the jar at our downtown ASPCA.

• 24:24Karen Kilgariff?

  Oh.

• 24:25Georgia Hardstark?

  Love everything you do, stay sexy, and don't just leave your kids to be supervised by an eight-year-old at a house party, or do, and watch them become the mob. Kate, with a C.

• 24:35Karen Kilgariff?

  The amount of times we got locked into another room and then started to play a game that was like, basically like, climb the shelves or whatever, like, a dangerous, insane game that when the adults would be, hey, what the hell's going on?

• 24:48Georgia Hardstark?

  You, you left them alone. Like, that's the other, like, this isn't on the kids.

• 24:52Karen Kilgariff?

  Yes, we had, at, at the Anton Giovanni's, there was one time where we, they ran along the tops of the, of the couches. This amazing huge leather sectional. And it was like, all the kids running like it was a racetrack.

• 25:04Georgia Hardstark?

  You have to go faster, you're gonna fall. Oh, my God.

• 25:07Karen Kilgariff?

  It was the most fun, and of course.

• 25:08Georgia Hardstark?

  That is a cracked skull, right there.

• 25:11Karen Kilgariff?

  Yes, it's like, coffee tables everywhere, and shit you can fall down on, and just like, and we're all running as fast as we can.

• 25:17Georgia Hardstark?

  But do you think you could win today?

• 25:18Karen Kilgariff?

  Oh, yeah.

• 25:18Georgia Hardstark?

  You could win.

• 25:20Karen Kilgariff?

  You have to really keep your, your knees up.

• 25:22Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah.

• 25:22Karen Kilgariff?

  Because the, the cushion part is different than the, like, armchair part.

• 25:26Georgia Hardstark?

  Keep go, and just keep going.

• 25:27Karen Kilgariff?

  And just keep.

• 25:28Georgia Hardstark?

  And look up, don't look down.

• 25:30Karen Kilgariff?

  Keep up and just stay positive.

• 25:31Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah. And that's what we want you to do, Van Cult. Tell us the insane games you played as a kid, and keep, stay po, keep your knees up and stay positive.

• 25:41Karen Kilgariff?

  And stay sexy.

• 25:41Georgia Hardstark?

  And don't get murdered. Goodbye.

• 25:45Karen Kilgariff?

  Elvis, do you want a cookie?

• 25:54Karen Kilgariff?

  This has been an Exactly Right Production.

• 25:56Georgia Hardstark?

  Our senior producer is Molly Smith, and our associate producer is Tessa Hughes.

• 25:59Karen Kilgariff?

  Our editor is Aristotle Lassaveto.

• 26:01Georgia Hardstark?

  This episode was mixed by Leona Scolacci.

• 26:04Karen Kilgariff?

  Our researchers are Mary McGlashan and Ali Elkin.

• 26:06Georgia Hardstark?

  Email your hometowns to [email protected].

• 26:09Karen Kilgariff?

  And follow the show on Instagram at MyFavoriteMurder.

• 26:12Georgia Hardstark?

  Listen to My Favorite Murder on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

• 26:17Karen Kilgariff?

  And now you can watch My Favorite Murder on Netflix.

• 26:19Georgia Hardstark?

  And when you're there, hit the double thumbs up and the remind me buttons. That's the best way you can support our show.

• 26:25Karen Kilgariff?

  Goodbye.

• 26:29Karen Kilgariff?

  Calling all amateur detectives and podcast obsessives.

• 26:33Georgia Hardstark?

  Virgin Voyages' second True Crime Voyage sets sail March 20th, 2027, for a five-night escape to Grand Turk and the Beach Club at Bimini.

• 26:41Karen Kilgariff?

  As part of the On Air at Sea collection, this immersive sailing brings together fan favorite podcasts, including Disgrace Land, Buried Bones, and Wise Crack, for live recordings, behind-the-scenes access, exclusive meet and greets, and crime-themed programming that you won't find anywhere else.

• 26:58Georgia Hardstark?

  All aboard our award-winning, kid-free ships.

• 27:00Karen Kilgariff?

  Head over to virginvoyages.com/truecrime to secure your spot. Goodbye.

• 27:06Speaker 00

  Okay, laundry stinks, literally. I mean, you could just keep buying new underwear. Not that I've ever done that. Or maybe sort your clothes into piles based on how re-wearable or filthy they are. Or just use Arm & Hammer Deep Clean. It's made for real-life stinks and stains. So even if you don't do laundry the, quote, "right way", Deep Clean will knock it out. I mean, it is from the number-one liquid detergent brand that tackles more loads than any other. Come clean with Arm & Hammer Deep Clean. Number one claim based on total wash loads sold.

• 27:42Speaker 07

  I'm Lacey Mosley, author, actor, stand-up comedian, creator, and host of Scam Goddess Podcast, the true crime comedy podcast all about robbery, fraud, and those who practice it. Each week, I bring on an amazing guest. Ooh, I scammed them. What? I could talk to you for an hour. You're a generational yapper, like me. That's why I had to make yapping a job. And now you can catch full episodes of my show on YouTube. Start listening to Scam Goddess on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.