Ep 566 - Destroying The Ark

Support the D. A. W. G. Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Yes. Shang blessed the podiums. How great is our God. Please enjoy. Have a great rest of your week. Other hour will be on the paytch. God Bless. This video is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/MSSP Get DUDE Wipes at Amazon and retailers nationwide. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Wow, wow, Wes.

• 0:02Matt McCusker?

  Yo, what the fuck is up, dude?

• 0:04Speaker 00

  Hey.

• 0:05Matt McCusker?

  What the hell? This is crazy.

• 0:06Speaker 00

  What's going on?

• 0:07Matt McCusker?

  Chilling, dude. Just chilling, nothing.

• 0:09Speaker 00

  What is all this shit?

• 0:10Matt McCusker?

  It's just absolutely just...

• 0:11Speaker 00

  The fuck is this shit?

• 0:13Matt McCusker?

  This is my stuff. This is my setup. This was the boat. While you were gone, I had to construct the ark. This is the ark. It's the ark, dude.

• 0:20Speaker 00

  Shit.

• 0:25Matt McCusker?

  This was the ark.

• 0:26Speaker 00

  What are you doing down here?

• 0:27Matt McCusker?

  Dude, the podcast flooded. The podcast flooded, dude.

• 0:33Matt McCusker?

  Yank it, bro. That's what he wants to do to his penis right now so bad, but he can't.

• 0:36Speaker 00

  Have you guys discussed your testicles? Would you like to keep your medicals?

• 0:40Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, Sean, can you talk about? You should raise awareness about your swollen epididymis. You think it has to do with your giant dick banging against it?

• 0:48Speaker 00

  I don't know. It obviously does have a giant dick. But we can put the rest, we can put to rest the idea that TSA scans you if you have a big dick. Because I got scanned.

• 0:59Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 1:00Speaker 00

  Full penis.

• 1:02Matt McCusker?

  So far, the only people I know that happened to are you, Nate, and Shannon Sharp, so...

• 1:07Speaker 00

  I've seen Guard Dog get it, and Nate and Sean both have world-renowned giant hogs.

• 1:14Matt McCusker?

  It could have just been your aura. Your aura might have been crazy that day.

• 1:17Speaker 00

  It is uncomfortable. I've never had the guy do the back of the hands thing, and they really do it.

• 1:21Matt McCusker?

  Yo!

• 1:22Speaker 00

  They really stroke you.

• 1:24Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 1:25Speaker 00

  It's fucked up.

• 1:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, thank you. That would have hurt if it happened to me right now. My testicles are so swollen and tender.

• 1:32Matt McCusker?

  That would have sucked. Whenever I go, when I have TSA pre-checks, I don't have to go through the scanner, but I would walk out of the scanner and they go, "Have a good day, ma'am," and I'd be like, "What the fuck?"

• 1:40Speaker 00

  We all just saw your pussy.

• 1:42Matt McCusker?

  We saw your pussy in the scanner.

• 1:45Speaker 02

  The ultrasound was nice, though.

• 1:47Speaker 00

  I've had it.

• 1:47Speaker 02

  You had that, right?

• 1:48Speaker 00

  I've had a testicular ultrasound once, yeah.

• 1:50Matt McCusker?

  Warm jelly?

• 1:51Speaker 00

  It's, yeah. The guy was a nurse, and I was joking the whole time, and he did not like it. He was wearing a Steelers bandana. I remember that. I was just wondering, he was wearing a Steelers bandana and rubbing gel on my nuts.

• 2:01Matt McCusker?

  Oh!

• 2:02Speaker 00

  And I was like, "Steelers look good this year, right?"

• 2:05Speaker 00

  He was like, "Just be quiet during the procedure."

• 2:07Matt McCusker?

  Are you serious?

• 2:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, he was, he was like, he was one word dismissive answers.

• 2:11Matt McCusker?

  That sucks.

• 2:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:13Matt McCusker?

  But he warmed the jelly for you. That's kind of weird.

• 2:15Speaker 00

  It wasn't, it wasn't warm.

• 2:17Matt McCusker?

  Oh, you got cold jelly?

• 2:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, I got regular jelly.

• 2:19Matt McCusker?

  He had a voluptuous...

• 2:20Speaker 02

  Mine was warm and sensual, and there was low lighting and candles lit and nice music playing the whole time.

• 2:26Speaker 00

  I was in the basement of a hospital.

• 2:28Speaker 02

  What you had?

• 2:29Speaker 00

  It turns out nothing.

• 2:30Speaker 02

  Uh, mine was just at a ultrasound place, like a CAT scan ultrasound.

• 2:34Speaker 00

  It was just you and pregnant ladies? Like a baby place. That's why it was like that.

• 2:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, maybe. I kept my dad kept.

• 2:39Speaker 00

  It wasn't for your balls. It was for women.

• 2:41Speaker 02

  Well, they did it on my balls. Turns out they're twins.

• 2:46Speaker 00

  How, how are your balls?

• 2:48Speaker 02

  Uh, they're okay. I am suffering from epididymitis. I'm suffering from epididymitis right now, which seems to be more common than I thought it was. Um, but just not a lot of people are vocal about it. So I'm happy to be vocal about it and say that I'm struggling with it right now. Raise awareness for epididymitis. I'm almost done with my antibiotics and it still kinda hurts. So that makes me nervous.

• 3:11Matt McCusker?

  Shit. That sucks.

• 3:13Speaker 02

  I tried to be sexually active this morning and the pain came right back.

• 3:20Speaker 02

  So.

• 3:20Matt McCusker?

  When you said you tried, how far did you get in the process?

• 3:24Speaker 02

  I was, well, I don't wanna be graphic or anything. I had a boner and I, I started, um.

• 3:31Matt McCusker?

  Outercourse?

• 3:32Speaker 02

  No, intercourse.

• 3:33Speaker 00

  Was it, did you start with petting at first?

• 3:34Speaker 02

  With a partner. There was some heavy petting and then I was with my partner.

• 3:40Speaker 00

  You were aroused during heavy petting?

• 3:42Speaker 02

  Yes. So then I was like, hell, hell, what, you know, I feel pretty good now. Why not just give it a shot? And then I was like, oh, we have to stop right now.

• 3:51Matt McCusker?

  So you made sure she was on board for sexual penetration? You're like, hey, I'm gonna penetrate you. Are you okay with this?

• 3:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's, yes, I made sure everything was okay.

• 3:59Speaker 00

  It's fucking podiums. Just looking over at you with that dumb ass shit going, I'm gonna penetrate you.

• 4:13Matt McCusker?

  I mean, it's truly, it's definitely when the Roman Empire was like falling apart and they would like throw a giant festivus just to keep it together.

• 4:22Speaker 00

  It was trot out some bullshit.

• 4:25Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I was reading about the, uh, well, I'm glad you're, but you wanna continue it? What happened though? So you were in your, your.

• 4:31Speaker 02

  Oh, well, I, we don't have to continue.

• 4:32Matt McCusker?

  No, I wanna hear, I wanna hear. You're tearing up.

• 4:35Speaker 00

  You were in the throes of petting.

• 4:36Speaker 02

  I was in the throes of petting and then turned to passion. Then then turn.

• 4:43Speaker 02

  Turning penetration.

• 4:44Speaker 00

  It's nice when petting leads to passion. It usually does. But when it doesn't and all you did was pet a little.

• 4:49Speaker 02

  Then you get angry.

• 4:50Speaker 00

  Disastrous.

• 4:51Speaker 02

  Well, that's how I am right. I'm, I'm very charged up right now because.

• 4:56Speaker 02

  I engaged in sexual, a sexual act, but I didn't get to finish the sexual act. So now I'm sort of just angry and in pain in my test scores.

• 5:03Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I'm telling you, I've been there.

• 5:05Speaker 02

  I'm sorry, that's TMI.

• 5:06Speaker 00

  Have you taken to the bottle at all?

• 5:08Speaker 02

  No, because the probiotics, I'm a week off of booze right now, which is a lot, a pretty long time for me.

• 5:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's good.

• 5:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, so that feels good.

• 5:16Speaker 00

  I just did a week and it sucked.

• 5:18Speaker 02

  Why?

• 5:18Speaker 00

  It was like two weeks, I hated it.

• 5:19Speaker 02

  Really? That whole time you were gone, you didn't drink?

• 5:22Speaker 00

  I got the one night in.

• 5:25Speaker 02

  And you hated it?

• 5:26Speaker 00

  I hated not drinking. Yeah, it was fucking boring, dude. You wake up at 6 a.m. and work.

• 5:29Matt McCusker?

  You feel so good.

• 5:31Speaker 00

  Not when you're working. I was just so tired. I was just going home and sleeping.

• 5:34Matt McCusker?

  True. You guys should be hungover. If I'm gonna be suffering, I shouldn't be. Kind of is pointless suffering if you're not hungover. You're like, I could just be hungover and feel bad.

• 5:41Speaker 00

  I did have probably the best break in the sobriety, though. I worked for a week and then the one night I had off, went to a bar in Atlanta, was sitting upstairs and they were like, hey, Charles Barkley just got here. And I was like, I'm gonna have to, I gotta say hi to him before we leave.

• 5:55Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 5:56Speaker 00

  It's like, there's no way he knows who I am. Got down, he was like, hey, tires. I was like, let's go. And then me and Charles Barkley got fucked up.

• 6:02Speaker 02

  That's so awesome.

• 6:04Speaker 00

  For like two hours. It was awesome.

• 6:05Matt McCusker?

  That's awesome. That's, that's the drinking gods rewarding you.

• 6:07Speaker 00

  It was honestly, yeah, it was the blue night. The blue night laid him a penalty. Yeah, it was, uh, I was thinking about it. If I could pick one person to go get fucked up with, it probably would have been Charles Barkley.

• 6:18Matt McCusker?

  For sure.

• 6:19Speaker 02

  Was he as awesome as he seems?

• 6:20Speaker 00

  He was the fucking man.

• 6:22Matt McCusker?

  One of my friends did electrical work in his house like years ago and was like, he's the coolest dude.

• 6:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's the coolest dude.

• 6:28Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 6:28Speaker 00

  He was like, let's talk about race. I was like, let's fucking do it, Chuck.

• 6:32Speaker 02

  Oh, really?

• 6:33Speaker 00

  Let's do it.

• 6:34Matt McCusker?

  Do anything you want, Chuck.

• 6:36Speaker 00

  Turns out made him agree on a lot.

• 6:43Matt McCusker?

  That's awesome.

• 6:44Speaker 00

  So that was a good, yeah, that was a good night.

• 6:46Speaker 02

  Hell yeah.

• 6:47Speaker 00

  But you penetrated a little this morning and then.

• 6:49Speaker 02

  And I had to give up because it just hurt so bad and I felt so much shame. I kind of. I felt like less of a man because I couldn't continue.

• 6:57Speaker 00

  That happens.

• 6:58Speaker 02

  I felt like.

• 7:00Speaker 00

  That happens. The blue night give us the blue night take it away.

• 7:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, you feel less of a man. It's the worst when the girl's like, that's okay. You go shut the fuck up.

• 7:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's kind of well.

• 7:11Speaker 00

  It was your fault.

• 7:12Speaker 02

  So I got out an ice pack. Like I was like, I had to stop and then get an ice pack and sit by myself.

• 7:19Matt McCusker?

  Did she get to nurse you or did you had to nurse yourself?

• 7:21Speaker 02

  I didn't want to be nursed. I was kind of just ashamed of myself. So I just sat on the couch and iced my testicle.

• 7:28Matt McCusker?

  This episode is brought to you by Viori.

• 7:30Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 7:31Matt McCusker?

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• 7:37Speaker 00

  Well, I know you do.

• 7:37Matt McCusker?

  Well, they're soft, lightweight and have four-way stretch so they can move with you with no restriction. They're technically workout clothes, so you can train in them, but they don't look like workout clothes. You can wear them out and people will think you've got your life together. Honestly, they're comfier than whatever you're wearing right now, unless you're already wearing Viori, in which case, respect.

• 8:01Speaker 00

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• 8:26Speaker 02

  I didn't even lose the boner. It was just my nut hurt really bad.

• 8:29Matt McCusker?

  You were icing your giant dick on the couch?

• 8:34Speaker 02

  No, my testicle, not my penis.

• 8:36Matt McCusker?

  I just had to ice my giant hard dick on the couch.

• 8:39Speaker 02

  No, no, no. It wasn't hard at the time of the icing.

• 8:41Matt McCusker?

  I was just hot giant soft sick.

• 8:44Speaker 00

  Fucking piece of shit.

• 8:48Speaker 02

  I'm embarrassed.

• 8:49Matt McCusker?

  My languorous genitals.

• 8:50Speaker 02

  I'm embarrassed, but I am happy. I don't have to suffer in silence anymore.

• 8:54Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 8:54Speaker 02

  I'm happy to get the word out.

• 8:56Matt McCusker?

  You must feel better. I'm 11 days in. I mean, I get that people don't want to hear about this anymore.

• 8:59Speaker 02

  I couldn't do it.

• 9:00Matt McCusker?

  Days in right now, just rocking.

• 9:02Speaker 02

  I'd rather chop it off.

• 9:03Speaker 00

  11 days without a come. Nice.

• 9:06Matt McCusker?

  Just rocking. There's no big deal. I don't give a fuck. I was talking to my, uh.

• 9:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, that sucks.

• 9:10Matt McCusker?

  I do. I'm telling you, flip switched. I'm like every day.

• 9:13Speaker 00

  You like it?

• 9:14Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I'm just charged up and I know it's coming. So it's like, it'll come eventually. I just don't, I'm just like unburdened myself from thinking about it all the time. But my, uh, I won't say who this was, but I, I have an ally in my, you know, kind of my chastity. And, uh, it was not full chastity.

• 9:29Speaker 02

  I see, I see.

• 9:30Matt McCusker?

  But he was saying if he sees an attractive woman, he just stops and goes, thank you for the energy boost. And he just keeps it moving.

• 9:35Speaker 00

  Good lord.

• 9:37Speaker 00

  Yeah. I mean, if I had to guess, James.

• 9:40Matt McCusker?

  My brother.

• 9:41Speaker 02

  No, I think it was Egan. There's a lot of suspects.

• 9:44Speaker 00

  There's a lot of weird fucking guys.

• 9:46Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 9:46Speaker 00

  There's a lot of weirdos out there.

• 9:49Speaker 00

  You say Egan?

• 9:50Speaker 02

  Egan.

• 9:50Speaker 00

  Oh, I was gonna say Egan.

• 9:52Speaker 02

  Egan's, Egan, well, we already talked about this. This is his business, not mine.

• 9:56Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, Egan's on like a hundred days again.

• 9:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's easy.

• 10:01Speaker 02

  I hope he's not lying though. If it turns out he's lying, that would really hurt me.

• 10:05Matt McCusker?

  I thought about that. If you lie about.

• 10:07Speaker 02

  He does go to confession every week.

• 10:08Matt McCusker?

  It could be, I'm lying about no fat.

• 10:11Speaker 02

  I masturbated against him.

• 10:12Matt McCusker?

  If you lie about no fat, that's how you end up like smoking meth with little boys at a youth camp. Once you start lying about sex stuff, it just, I feel like the wheels come off.

• 10:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:21Speaker 00

  Yeah. If you, you gotta give up lying about sex stuff, probably freshman year at high school.

• 10:25Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 10:25Speaker 00

  That's when you're, everyone's at their peak. They're like, yeah, dude, I fucking titty fucked her. I had one friend that lied about titty fucking a girl. It was awesome. What a great lie. Yeah, we didn't, we didn't have sex, but we, I titty fucked her.

• 10:38Matt McCusker?

  I've always admired those guys.

• 10:39Speaker 00

  And we were all friends. We were like, did he titty fuck you? She was like, no.

• 10:44Matt McCusker?

  That's such a sick move. It never occurred to me to just lie about having sex with a lady. It's never my move.

• 10:50Speaker 02

  I never, I remember I used to lie about saying, there was a stretch of time where everybody I grew up with would be like, nah, I don't masturbate. That's weird.

• 10:57Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 10:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, and like.

• 10:58Speaker 00

  And my boys were on some other shit.

• 11:00Speaker 02

  Well, no.

• 11:01Matt McCusker?

  You guys are different.

• 11:02Speaker 00

  On some other shit.

• 11:03Speaker 02

  I was too eventually, but there was like about a year when we were like 13 or 12 where everyone was like, nah, that's, that's lame or gay or whatever. We don't do that.

• 11:12Matt McCusker?

  That's crazy.

• 11:13Speaker 02

  But then we all started.

• 11:14Speaker 00

  Was it the wrestling buddies?

• 11:16Speaker 02

  No, just buddies buddies.

• 11:18Matt McCusker?

  Just sodomizing wrestling buddies. I thought you were talking about the, like the pillow wrestling buddies.

• 11:23Speaker 02

  Oh, no.

• 11:25Speaker 00

  I took a knife to my wrestling buddy once.

• 11:27Matt McCusker?

  Well, for what?

• 11:28Speaker 00

  All alone. Stabbed Hulk Hogan.

• 11:29Matt McCusker?

  What? I hung a teddy bear from a tree.

• 11:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, my parents were very.

• 11:34Matt McCusker?

  They're upset.

• 11:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 11:36Speaker 00

  What was you doing in your room last night?

• 11:38Matt McCusker?

  I murdered Hulk Hogan. Yeah, I ripped the stuffing out of a teddy bear and hung it from a tree when I was little and my parents were similarly like, what the fuck are you doing? I'm like, it's funny. They're like, that's not funny at all. It's disturbing. I was like, whatever. I was done with it.

• 11:51Speaker 00

  They shouldn't have gave me a pocket knife.

• 11:53Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 11:53Speaker 00

  You know?

• 11:54Matt McCusker?

  He poked up, it was your cell. He poked up, he poked up your cell.

• 12:00Matt McCusker?

  Hit Hulk Hogan with the fucking hawk.

• 12:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, he kept taking bottom bunk. I was getting bitched by him, just me and him.

• 12:06Matt McCusker?

  You go up top.

• 12:08Speaker 00

  Fine.

• 12:10Matt McCusker?

  You're getting humped by a wrestling pillow? Fuck. Fuck Hulk.

• 12:14Speaker 00

  One night I said enough is enough.

• 12:18Speaker 00

  Took a Swiss army to the gun.

• 12:19Matt McCusker?

  You're one of Hulk's boys, dude, in the cell.

• 12:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, he hit a whole stable. My dad, my dad, you get my dad at night. He was like a chucky dog, except he was, he would rape me, my dad.

• 12:30Matt McCusker?

  Your dad was shot calling on the yard.

• 12:32Speaker 00

  He was trying to shot call. He was tough.

• 12:35Matt McCusker?

  There's no way Hulk would.

• 12:37Speaker 00

  Take Hulk out. Yeah, me and my dad were Aryan brothers.

• 12:42Speaker 02

  Hulk might be too.

• 12:44Speaker 00

  Hulk mania, yeah, he's definitely an Aryan brother. He's an Aryan brother.

• 12:52Matt McCusker?

  That'd be nice watching like WWE with like the Aryan Brotherhood and like a white wrestler wins. They're probably like.

• 12:58Speaker 00

  They're probably going nuts during the DX versus Nation of Domination days. I know I was. I know I was. That got me. That stirred some racism. I didn't know I had yet. DX all did blackface. I was like, yeah.

• 13:11Matt McCusker?

  Dad, what is this feeling? When I see, when I see the nation, I get so upset.

• 13:16Speaker 00

  You're growing up, son.

• 13:19Matt McCusker?

  Let's take a walk, son. Oh, fudge.

• 13:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's the birds and the bees combo.

• 13:25Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 13:26Speaker 00

  They're different. This episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast is brought to you by Dude Wipes.

• 13:35Matt McCusker?

  Have you left poop streaks in someone else's toilet? Yeah, every time.

• 13:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, every single time.

• 13:40Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I did it all week.

• 13:41Speaker 00

  Fucking disaster.

• 13:41Matt McCusker?

  I left a, I mean, I literally painted my bowl this morning.

• 13:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:45Matt McCusker?

  It was crazy.

• 13:46Speaker 00

  There's nothing wrong with that.

• 13:47Matt McCusker?

  No, it was.

• 13:47Speaker 00

  Little paint job. Do you ever pack extra underwear when you travel? How much extra? Do you ever need it?

• 13:54Matt McCusker?

  Pretty much an extra pair per day.

• 13:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, I always bring extra underwear. Yeah.

• 13:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yes.

• 13:58Speaker 00

  Not because I'm fucking shitting my pants constantly.

• 14:00Matt McCusker?

  I used to probably work it out.

• 14:02Speaker 00

  Fuck you guys getting at here? Do you wipe standing or sitting down? Does it make a difference? What is going on, dude? How horny are these people? What do they want to know?

• 14:11Matt McCusker?

  There's got to be something about standing up, though. Like, I'm a stand-up wiper, honestly. Sitting down, I just smears everything. I don't know. I can't do it.

• 14:18Speaker 00

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• 14:50Matt McCusker?

  Nice. Dude, I was, uh, I was reading about the Aztecs last night before I went to bed. And I didn't, they had a game, you know, like all those places, they, all those like places have like a sacred game they would play. I didn't, like I, I've like heard of it mentioned. I never, I like looked it up. Like what exactly was it? They used to play kind of those like soccer mixed with basketball where it was like.

• 15:11Speaker 00

  Human head.

• 15:12Matt McCusker?

  No, no, no.

• 15:13Speaker 02

  That's what I heard too.

• 15:14Matt McCusker?

  No, they were playing with a, actually a giant rubber. It was a 15 pound bouncy ball. The size of a soccer ball and you couldn't touch it with your hands or feet and they would just, they would put it in play. They would throw it down like it was like a stone courtyard with like stone walls. And you had to just like run and just fucking hit it with your hip or your elbows or your shoulders and dudes would like break their bones on it. And you had to try to like bounce it without using your hands or feet, get it through a net that was, or a hoop 10 feet above.

• 15:41Speaker 02

  I think I might've seen like a modern version of this on Instagram or something.

• 15:45Matt McCusker?

  That's fucking insane.

• 15:46Speaker 02

  I think they're still doing.

• 15:47Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you just, you hit the ball, shoulder it and then you can hit like little like targets on the wall. But then if like the losers would, a lot of times he'd sacrifice if it was like an important game.

• 15:57Matt McCusker?

  But yeah, it was fucking nuts.

• 15:58Speaker 02

  That is nuts.

• 15:59Matt McCusker?

  Cortez was none too pleased. He saw it.

• 16:01Speaker 00

  He said, shut this down. It's time for you guys to play football.

• 16:04Matt McCusker?

  Well, it was funny because I was reading it. It was like, they're like, dude, the Aztecs were arguably just as advanced as the Spaniards, like the city.

• 16:11Speaker 00

  I think we found out.

• 16:12Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, well, they were too darn nice.

• 16:15Speaker 00

  That's what keeps happening. All these, everybody that's ever been conquered was just too nice.

• 16:19Matt McCusker?

  Too nice, man. They were too.

• 16:20Speaker 00

  It's crazy.

• 16:21Matt McCusker?

  Even the, uh, who, who are the people that, uh, on Hispaniola? It's now the Dominican Republic and Haiti, but they were like the Taoni or something and they apparently Christopher Columbus rolled up on him and he goes, he wrote in his own journals.

• 16:35Speaker 00

  You guys make good slaves. They're docile.

• 16:36Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they're, well, he's like, they're just so nice. He called them naked, basically naked and afraid. He goes, they're so naked and timid. He's like, they're naked and timid. He's like, I'm definitely gonna smat. And he like, they helped him build a settlement. And then something happened. It got fucked up and he came back and literally destroyed the entire population.

• 16:52Speaker 02

  Damn.

• 16:53Matt McCusker?

  Although a lot of disease, disease kind of was like 80% of it.

• 16:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:56Matt McCusker?

  But yeah, that sucks, bro. To be like at the zenith of your setup and just you're literally slaves from Spaniards. Worse, they were probably like, dude, when is fucking fourteen hundred gonna be over, dude?

• 17:15Speaker 00

  Fourteen ninety-three is gonna be my year.

• 17:16Matt McCusker?

  Our population's decreased by eighty percent. I can't wait for this year to be over. I'm so done with fourteen ninety-two.

• 17:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, that was, that was a tough time.

• 17:26Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, dude, especially when you find out later on that he called you naked and timid. I'd be so mad. They're all naked and fucking scared.

• 17:36Matt McCusker?

  That would piss me off. I'm fucking naked and afraid.

• 17:40Speaker 00

  They were naked.

• 17:41Matt McCusker?

  They were literally naked and afraid. They were at the show.

• 17:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, would have been scary.

• 17:45Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it was.

• 17:45Speaker 02

  I was naked and afraid this morning when my testicles started.

• 17:49Matt McCusker?

  You're all timid on the couch.

• 17:51Speaker 00

  There's nothing worse than being naked and afraid.

• 17:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:53Speaker 00

  Every night when I go to bed.

• 17:55Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 17:55Speaker 02

  You're bumping the night. You're naked sleep.

• 17:58Speaker 00

  I am a naked sleeper.

• 17:59Speaker 02

  I don't know how you do that.

• 18:00Speaker 00

  That's how you scare off criminals.

• 18:07Speaker 00

  Eagles assault rifle and a tiny penis.

• 18:12Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that'd be terrifying. I'd rather like just five dogs attack me.

• 18:16Speaker 00

  Giant naked man with a tiny penis and an eagle's machine gun.

• 18:20Matt McCusker?

  If I saw his favorite team on the gun, I'd be like, I'm dead.

• 18:24Matt McCusker?

  This guy's gonna kill me.

• 18:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:26Matt McCusker?

  I, I used to be a naked sleeper. Now I have to wear like at least boxer shorts now because like my kids.

• 18:31Speaker 00

  You gotta get up, yeah.

• 18:32Matt McCusker?

  Oh yeah, I gotta get up with them and they just now they just fucking crawl in. They can climb over their gates now. So last, I literally woke up last night like two in the morning. Chloe was in my bed. I'm like, where the fuck did you get in here? She climbed, she showed me how she did it this morning. She climbs up, crawls over and I have like a, you know, like the decorative pillows on the bed?

• 18:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:49Matt McCusker?

  I always swipe those off. So it's like a minefield of pillows. She navigated it all somehow of just like walking through the pitch black over pillows, climbed over me, didn't wake me up.

• 18:57Speaker 00

  I know it's played out, but the decorative pillows.

• 19:00Matt McCusker?

  Dude.

• 19:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:01Speaker 00

  Big pillow. God, our bitches with that. They tricked all the bitches.

• 19:05Matt McCusker?

  Crazy, dude.

• 19:07Speaker 00

  That's the dumbest thing possible.

• 19:08Matt McCusker?

  It's so fucking annoying, dude.

• 19:10Speaker 02

  You can't even sleep with them. Have you tried to sleep with one like on your chest or something? It's the most uncomfortable. It's the most rough jagged edged pillow.

• 19:18Matt McCusker?

  Tassels on the side. They're dumbest.

• 19:20Speaker 00

  Jagged edge.

• 19:23Matt McCusker?

  I hate them dude. I fucking, they're so annoying, especially like in the mornings where my babe will be like, "Help me make the bed." I was like, dude.

• 19:30Speaker 00

  We gotta stack eight pillows.

• 19:32Matt McCusker?

  Don't put it in like that. I'm like, dude, I'm gonna fucking burn the house down with our whole family. Fucking telling me how to arrange these pillows.

• 19:38Speaker 00

  Decorative blankets are rough too.

• 19:41Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 19:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:43Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, we got some scratchy ass blankets.

• 19:45Speaker 00

  Scratchy ass blankets that are about it, they're like three feet wide, they're just scarves. Put them on the back of your couch, you're laying down, you go, oh, there's a blanket right there, never mind.

• 19:53Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I, I, I am gonna need women to kinda get it together, stop getting tricked by fucking marketing and shit. My wife reads her marketing emails. I'm like, you know, you can separate your inbox, dude. Just like, the deals.

• 20:05Speaker 00

  Adidas, 10% off.

• 20:06Matt McCusker?

  Yes, I've watched her do it. I'm like, bro.

• 20:08Speaker 00

  That's terrifying.

• 20:09Matt McCusker?

  You can separate your inbox. She's like, no, no, it's just, I'm like.

• 20:12Speaker 00

  I wanna see what the deals are.

• 20:13Matt McCusker?

  I'm like, dude, I'll see her in bed, I'm like, stop looking at that stuff.

• 20:16Speaker 00

  Holy shit.

• 20:17Matt McCusker?

  She reads her whole inbox.

• 20:19Speaker 00

  That's who those are for then. I've always wondered, I was like, why do they do this?

• 20:22Matt McCusker?

  It's girls. Girls, they need, they hear the deals, bro, and it just triggers something for them. It's, it's like they're, they're forgers, bro, we're out for the hunt, they're forgers.

• 20:30Speaker 02

  True.

• 20:30Matt McCusker?

  And then they, it just gets like a little forgery.

• 20:32Speaker 00

  Forgery.

• 20:33Matt McCusker?

  Like there's berries in the pasture, and they go and fucking collect them and...

• 20:37Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that shit's been, that shit fucking freaks me out when I see her like 10% off now and I'm like, bro, shut it down, shut down the spam.

• 20:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's, it's 100% off for you everywhere, so.

• 20:50Matt McCusker?

  True, yeah.

• 20:52Speaker 00

  So stop worrying about deals. All of a sudden you're frugal with my money?

• 20:57Speaker 00

  You spend $900 on pillows that no one's put their head on once.

• 21:04Matt McCusker?

  Yes, a travesty.

• 21:07Matt McCusker?

  And then they'll see, that's the problem, they'll see other pointless pillows and be like, those are nice, where did you get those from? Guys, I've moved these things around a lot, you know, they've taken a lot of the back and forth.

• 21:18Speaker 02

  It's the motion of the podium.

• 21:19Matt McCusker?

  Sturdy as she blows her.

• 21:20Speaker 00

  I should destroy the podium.

• 21:23Speaker 00

  I should have not told you. I'd be like, yeah, I'll do the podiums. You got here, they're all smashed.

• 21:29Speaker 00

  Who did this?

• 21:30Matt McCusker?

  Ending by just putting your fist to that painting would be make sure, make sure there's no glass, no glass. That'd be so sick.

• 21:36Speaker 00

  What do you think of that painting?

• 21:38Matt McCusker?

  I, I've discussed this a couple of times, man. I mean, it looks like he's kind of selling him on this lady. Some, I think someone's like discovering them, it looks like.

• 21:49Speaker 02

  She might be foraging too. She might be getting a 10%.

• 21:53Matt McCusker?

  Sean, that lady, I'll tell you what that lady's doing right now. She's being a fucking whore.

• 21:56Speaker 00

  Definitely.

• 21:58Matt McCusker?

  Look, they even moved the picnic basket out the way. What do you think they're gonna do right there?

• 22:03Matt McCusker?

  That picnic blanket was all washed up, bro.

• 22:06Speaker 02

  True.

• 22:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, it could be done. She could be washing off back there.

• 22:11Speaker 02

  Oh, that's right, yeah.

• 22:12Matt McCusker?

  I didn't think about that.

• 22:12Speaker 02

  Looks like there's a burning canoe in the background too. What's up with that burning canoe?

• 22:17Speaker 00

  It's not burning.

• 22:18Speaker 02

  It kinda looks like it's burning.

• 22:19Matt McCusker?

  Scuttle the ships, dude.

• 22:20Speaker 00

  True, they gotta burn the boats. The women are here on the island. You guys aren't going anywhere.

• 22:25Matt McCusker?

  Trying to get those women, women naked and timid, dude.

• 22:30Matt McCusker?

  You think she's gushing, bro?

• 22:32Speaker 02

  She thinks she's stopping.

• 22:35Matt McCusker?

  Well, man, that might be the first time anyone's ever interpreted that. I think that, I think there's been a lot of interpretations. I think that lady's gushing, created a pot.

• 22:42Speaker 00

  1820, you're the first guy to go. I think that creek is coming out of the woman.

• 22:47Speaker 00

  Congratulations, you're the dumbest guy who's ever seen this painting.

• 22:53Speaker 00

  Dogs have looked at that painting and understood that that was a body of water.

• 23:01Speaker 00

  I would like to take you to an art museum. Just have you look at paintings.

• 23:08Matt McCusker?

  That would be nice.

• 23:09Speaker 00

  See La Mer's interpretation of art?

• 23:12Matt McCusker?

  True. Yeah, this thing, uh, what do you think about that?

• 23:15Speaker 00

  I think it's dumb as hell. No, I don't like the.

• 23:18Matt McCusker?

  What do you think about the one behind you?

• 23:19Speaker 02

  I like these two the most.

• 23:21Matt McCusker?

  I like that the most. Yeah, I think sick as hell.

• 23:23Speaker 02

  That one's my favorite. That one's my second favorite.

• 23:25Matt McCusker?

  I like the, I usually would put that behind guests. It was just nice to have like.

• 23:28Speaker 02

  The rainbow imagery is confusing though.

• 23:31Speaker 00

  Why?

• 23:31Speaker 02

  Especially in this day and age.

• 23:33Matt McCusker?

  Harbor in what's to come?

• 23:34Speaker 02

  Never mind.

• 23:34Matt McCusker?

  Resurrection? What the fuck are you talking about?

• 23:36Speaker 02

  Never mind.

• 23:38Speaker 00

  Storm has passed.

• 23:39Matt McCusker?

  Sean, first of all, that's the most heterosexual rainbow you'll ever see. It's basically gray.

• 23:42Speaker 02

  True.

• 23:44Matt McCusker?

  You're trying to hit me with that stuff.

• 23:45Speaker 02

  Hey, forgive me.

• 23:46Matt McCusker?

  It's okay. Oh, dude.

• 23:47Speaker 02

  I'm talking out of my balls.

• 23:48Matt McCusker?

  Obviously, obviously, I will, Sean. I'm not gonna not forgive you right now.

• 23:51Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 23:52Matt McCusker?

  People forget, man, thou shalt not judge is also a commandment.

• 23:55Speaker 02

  That's right.

• 23:57Matt McCusker?

  Not judging by saying that.

• 24:02Matt McCusker?

  I've been on Substack lately. Dude, I'm trying to replace Substack with any like social media scrolling and I pretty much have done it. It's so tight.

• 24:10Speaker 00

  Substack, just random, random people?

• 24:12Matt McCusker?

  Random people, articles. I read a lady, I didn't read the whole thing. I read the paragraph and just kind of started laughing.

• 24:17Speaker 00

  So just longer Twitter posts?

• 24:18Matt McCusker?

  Yes, like, well, like, proofread, but it was a lady being like, basically like, why is everyone telling us to not want so much? If I want to be touched, if I want to eat. And it's just like, dude, okay, like, sick take. It's like, I want to have sex more and eat more. It's like, obviously, dude, everybody, that's everybody in the world. But clearly, if you follow that logic, you know?

• 24:41Speaker 00

  You'd be a fat slut.

• 24:45Matt McCusker?

  It's like, why is it so wrong?

• 24:49Matt McCusker?

  Fat whore, dude. Literally, that'd be you.

• 24:51Speaker 00

  That'd be you.

• 24:52Matt McCusker?

  You'd be naked in the woods, surrounded by food, being like, uh, maybe this was a, it was just a funny take to be like, everyone's holding women back, telling us we shouldn't want so much.

• 25:02Matt McCusker?

  It's like, yeah, that's, we've been talking about this for thousands of years.

• 25:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:05Matt McCusker?

  What are you talking about?

• 25:06Speaker 00

  Thank God we're doing that. If we weren't doing that, it'd be a disaster.

• 25:11Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 25:11Speaker 00

  Every dude wasn't like, don't be a slut. Why are you wearing that? Every girl would be in a, they'd be dressed like Kanye's wife.

• 25:18Matt McCusker?

  Like, when? This is what I like to wear.

• 25:21Matt McCusker?

  I actually, I, I, I think the women, and again, I, I'm not gonna talk about like porn, PMO or whatever, but I think the, the carb now, because I've been going to this one gym in Austin and it's like, Dude, it's unbelievable. Like, front and back wedgies, spandex that cup the butt cheeks as small as a sports bra.

• 25:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, that new spandex is crazy. It's got like a thong.

• 25:43Matt McCusker?

  Yes, literally built into it. And it's like, I do think, it's like, so what the question would be, why, why do women, like, why did it, why is it escalating to the point where it's like, it's almost Bianca Sensori, or whatever Bianca Sensori, that's not going to be that crazy.

• 25:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:58Matt McCusker?

  If it doesn't, you know, if the trend doesn't reverse. And it is, it's goon brain.

• 26:02Speaker 00

  My mom better not start.

• 26:09Matt McCusker?

  It's goon brain, dude. I think they need, if they need to stimulate past the goon brain, fucking the hardening callousness of, you know.

• 26:15Speaker 00

  I'm gonna stick with Coach's polos and gym shorts.

• 26:18Matt McCusker?

  Well, obviously.

• 26:18Speaker 00

  Bro, I've been, I've been rocking this Coach's polo for 15 years.

• 26:21Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you're doing the right thing.

• 26:22Speaker 00

  Do you understand that?

• 26:23Matt McCusker?

  Imagine if you started hot dogging out here, dude. Dressing like, if you just started dressing like Bruno. There was a guy at the gym dressed like Bruno, dude. He had for real a leotard.

• 26:32Speaker 00

  What fucking tank top I bought.

• 26:37Speaker 02

  Wait, he had a leotard?

• 26:38Speaker 00

  Stick it out. The front was thin. My two tits sticking out. I was like, I'm never gonna wear this. The Rock, The Rock designed it.

• 26:45Matt McCusker?

  I had a tank top yesterday. I was like, the Rock.

• 26:51Speaker 02

  DJ.

• 26:51Matt McCusker?

  My nipples are, I got called out yesterday for my nipples popping out of a tank. My daughter's, for some reason, like, really monitor if my nipples pop. It's like, Dad, your nipples showing. I'm like, alright, bro. I was in the emergency room last night, because Maya, it's, wasn't that serious? She got a giant splinter and we couldn't get it out of her foot. And it was like a fucking exorcism. She was just like, ah. So I was like, we'll get, we'll take it to the ER and they'll like numb it and whatever. And, uh, I was just at the thing and they were just like the whole time, like, Dad, your nipples are out. I'm like, I'm talking to the doctor. You guys shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up right now. Trying to get out of here. We had pizza on the way.

• 27:21Speaker 00

  Still had to adjust it?

• 27:22Matt McCusker?

  Oh, dude.

• 27:22Speaker 00

  While you're talking to me, like, yeah, alright.

• 27:23Matt McCusker?

  I literally would put my nipple away and be like, you guys fucking stretched my shirts out. That's why my nipples stick out. So I'm fucking putting your arm down my shirt.

• 27:31Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it was a nightmare. We were leaving, we left the pool, we got rained out of the pool, went to the playground. They're like, we need shoes. I'm like, you guys don't need fucking shoes. We're on mulch, who cares?

• 27:38Speaker 00

  And she caught a mulch to the foot?

• 27:40Matt McCusker?

  Dude, it was a, the splinter was like, for real, it wasn't even a splinter, it was a chunk of wood was in her foot. And, you know, we like held her down, tried to get her out. And the guy actually took a, um, like a needle. And he dug it, we tried tweezers, it didn't work, so we had to use a syringe and like dig in and pop it up. It was, but they have cream now, they can numb like the spot before they give you like a shot, basically. They put a patch on you. I was like, bro, give me that. I'm gonna start putting that on myself when I get needles. I hate needles. They have it, they, I'm like, why don't you guys give this to everybody?

• 28:09Speaker 02

  Dude, that's,

• 28:09Speaker 00

  When you get needles?

• 28:11Matt McCusker?

  You're trying to say I'm on Roy's, bro?

• 28:13Speaker 00

  Just wondering.

• 28:14Matt McCusker?

  I, dude,

• 28:15Speaker 00

  No, I'm not saying.

• 28:16Matt McCusker?

  I got my blood drawn, I got my blood drawn. I'm not juiced at all. What are you talking about?

• 28:21Speaker 02

  Man, why not a psycho for this?

• 28:23Speaker 00

  You're wearing a shark tooth necklace, dude. Obviously you're juiced.

• 28:27Speaker 00

  That's the telltale sign of being juiced up. Step one, shark tooth.

• 28:33Matt McCusker?

  I promise I'm not.

• 28:34Speaker 00

  You got, you got, you got a gun on your head, you're the Liver King, dude.

• 28:40Speaker 00

  Fucked up.

• 28:42Matt McCusker?

  Sorry, I've been training, I've just been training.

• 28:44Speaker 00

  We're gonna bookend it with love, we're gonna mosh pit in the middle.

• 28:49Speaker 00

  I've watched every single video, I've watched 20 hours of the Liver King.

• 28:54Matt McCusker?

  I wanted to get him on. You, dude, you called it. I was like, we gotta get him on. You're like, I don't know, man.

• 28:59Speaker 00

  It's a loose cannon, bro.

• 29:00Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he is, he's loose cannon, you know, I don't want him coming for, I don't want coming for our families next. That'd be terrible.

• 29:06Speaker 00

  He's not gonna, he's not gonna kill you, though. You've got a family. He wouldn't take you away from them.

• 29:09Matt McCusker?

  Is that what his defense was?

• 29:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's not trying to kill anybody.

• 29:12Matt McCusker?

  That checks out, then.

• 29:13Speaker 00

  He just wants to deliver a box to the comedy club. That's what he got arrested for. They're like, it's a bomb.

• 29:18Matt McCusker?

  No, I, cause I was wondering too, I'm like, alright, he's making weird videos, why'd they arrest him? There was one where it was like, very dark and threatening and ominous.

• 29:26Speaker 00

  Up and down the hallway, the Four Seasons, being like, Joe Rogan.

• 29:29Matt McCusker?

  But no, there was one like something about like, I can't wait to meet your family or so. It was like open ended and very threatening. I was like, okay, nevermind. I can see why they fucking. I would not want that guy on my ass. If that guy was on my fucking ass.

• 29:41Speaker 00

  That'd be a tough one to have on your ass.

• 29:43Matt McCusker?

  It's the toughest. So you're like, who the fuck else would be?

• 29:45Speaker 00

  Joe Rogan.

• 29:47Matt McCusker?

  Tap him on your ass.

• 29:48Speaker 00

  Damn dude, if Joe Borgan was like, I'm gonna fucking get your ass. He'd be like, oh shit.

• 29:54Matt McCusker?

  That's true. That would suck as well.

• 29:55Speaker 00

  If Joe Borgan was doing bear crawls in a hallway. He'd be like, I'm gonna fucking kill you.

• 30:00Matt McCusker?

  I mean, I will say I was disappointed because the jujitsu match would have been so tight.

• 30:05Speaker 02

  That's a shitty fair one.

• 30:08Matt McCusker?

  It would have, it would have, it would have been crazy.

• 30:10Speaker 00

  It would have been sad, but that's what Liver King, Liver King was kinda asking for it. He was mad, he was mad dogging him. He was like, break every bone in my body.

• 30:15Matt McCusker?

  He wanted to watch his dad.

• 30:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, he did.

• 30:17Matt McCusker?

  He wanted to watch his dad. I kind of, uh, I don't know. It's so funny to be like, beat my ass for my fucking family. I need this.

• 30:25Speaker 00

  Morgan.

• 30:26Matt McCusker?

  The pay-per-view would have been crazy, bro.

• 30:28Speaker 00

  Pay-per-view would have went.

• 30:29Matt McCusker?

  Joe Rogan versus the Holy Trinity, Liver King 3.0?

• 30:32Speaker 02

  Is that what he is?

• 30:34Speaker 00

  Have you watched all of them? You gotta watch all of them. It's fucking incredible.

• 30:37Matt McCusker?

  I gotta watch it.

• 30:37Speaker 00

  It's the same, he says the same thing over and over again on repeat.

• 30:40Matt McCusker?

  What does he say?

• 30:41Speaker 00

  Uh, pound, pound and lock it down.

• 30:48Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 30:49Matt McCusker?

  Billy knows everything.

• 30:50Speaker 00

  He's just repeating it over and over again. At one point he does a Instagram live with a jug of coffee.

• 30:56Speaker 02

  In his.

• 30:56Speaker 00

  And an enema.

• 30:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, I saw that one.

• 30:58Speaker 00

  A tube going from the jug into his ass and he's in the shower like, oh, just hanging out.

• 31:05Speaker 02

  That was the only one I saw.

• 31:06Matt McCusker?

  He was doing a coffee enema.

• 31:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, he does a coffee enema.

• 31:09Matt McCusker?

  I did one of those myself indirectly today. I, no, I just drank a ton of coffee, went for a walk and just fucking blast it.

• 31:17Speaker 00

  Shit, Liver King.

• 31:18Matt McCusker?

  I haven't, I haven't taken creatine in a week, bro. It was, the creatine was pumping me up. I've been on the teen pretty hard. Pause, but. I'm not, I think you guys are just fucking sighing at me. I'm not that jacked, bro.

• 31:33Speaker 02

  You're pretty jacked.

• 31:34Speaker 00

  I sent you my Men's Warehouse pictures, right?

• 31:36Matt McCusker?

  Yes, they are so good.

• 31:39Speaker 00

  So when I'm hosting the ESPY, you gotta do like promo for it. They put me in a tuxedo and I'm like,

• 31:45Speaker 00

  I can't do a photo shoot. It's the most uncomfortable.

• 31:48Matt McCusker?

  So uncomfortable.

• 31:48Speaker 00

  They try to make you do stuff.

• 31:50Matt McCusker?

  They get you at the mothership. They'll be like, just lean against the wall.

• 31:52Speaker 00

  I've, I've escaped all mothership photos.

• 31:55Matt McCusker?

  Good, that's a good mother.

• 31:56Speaker 02

  The man came up with the best pose when they do that.

• 31:59Matt McCusker?

  What do you do?

• 31:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, go like this.

• 32:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, I told the guy, please don't ever take my picture.

• 32:08Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, cool photos.

• 32:08Speaker 00

  And he's nice about it.

• 32:10Matt McCusker?

  That's cool.

• 32:10Speaker 00

  He doesn't do it.

• 32:11Matt McCusker?

  I don't mind a regular shot. It's like, hey, smile, candid, but they're like, lean against the wall.

• 32:15Speaker 00

  They're posting them too much.

• 32:16Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 32:16Speaker 00

  It's the same fucking five people every single day. You go, hey, look at Tony again. He took a fucking tough one the other day.

• 32:24Matt McCusker?

  What happened?

• 32:25Speaker 00

  They hit him with the gayest photo possible.

• 32:27Matt McCusker?

  God damn it. What'd they get him with?

• 32:29Speaker 00

  He was like, uh, back to right, right behind the stage, but he had like a hand on a railing and like,

• 32:35Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 32:36Speaker 00

  It was, it was a tough one.

• 32:37Matt McCusker?

  Why'd they put that up?

• 32:38Speaker 00

  Uh, cause I think, is it Hassan who does it?

• 32:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:42Speaker 00

  There's a little hateful fuck. Somebody running it. He finds wherever you look fattest and he posts it.

• 32:47Matt McCusker?

  God, Tommy.

• 32:48Speaker 00

  Tommy, he's got several of Tommy where Tommy looks like he's 250 pounds.

• 32:53Matt McCusker?

  That's crazy. Got you too?

• 32:55Speaker 02

  I get got too pretty bad.

• 32:56Matt McCusker?

  Hey, you guys with the fat Italian filter?

• 32:59Speaker 02

  With the pizza man filter. We look at Tommy, he looks like the guy that holds up the pizza box.

• 33:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was.

• 33:07Matt McCusker?

  They gotta, they gotta suss that out. There's some.

• 33:10Speaker 00

  I don't wanna fuck with anybody's money, cause somebody's making money on, uh, taking these pictures every day.

• 33:16Matt McCusker?

  It is nice having the photog, I will say.

• 33:18Speaker 02

  Sometimes you get a nice one. It's a nice memory.

• 33:21Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I use those for flyers and shit.

• 33:23Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 33:23Matt McCusker?

  Pro photos, man. You can just rip those things and, you know. It is useful to have. So is the video recordings, but.

• 33:32Matt McCusker?

  You do that too?

• 33:33Speaker 00

  This is an advertisement from BetterHelp, the help with the better. I've been so stressed with everything that is stressing me out at work.

• 33:41Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 33:42Speaker 00

  It's been stressful.

• 33:43Matt McCusker?

  Why has it been stressful for you?

• 33:45Speaker 00

  There's just something going on in my personal life that's causing me anxiety.

• 33:48Matt McCusker?

  Crap.

• 33:49Speaker 00

  Lately,

• 33:52Speaker 00

  Matt has been stressing me out.

• 33:55Matt McCusker?

  Person's been stressing you about?

• 33:58Speaker 00

  Lately, Matt has been stressing me, has been stressing me out.

• 34:02Matt McCusker?

  I've been calling you, telling you about all my intrusive gay thoughts and it's just like, you're like, man, I can't handle this right now, Matt. Like, Shane, help.

• 34:08Speaker 00

  Stress is a real problem in the workplace. If, uh, it's one of the top causes of declining mental health right now. So it's probably a good idea that we all take a nice, long break this summer to de-stress and recoup. You know?

• 34:23Matt McCusker?

  I like that.

• 34:23Speaker 00

  And if you want to go the extra mile and really start taking care of you, schedule a therapy session. I'm a big fan of therapy.

• 34:30Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 34:30Speaker 00

  It has taught me to feel comfortable.

• 34:33Matt McCusker?

  My parents sent me to a camp when I was little and they caught me with, uh, muscle magazines.

• 34:40Speaker 00

  And they, and now you're like,

• 34:43Speaker 00

  everyone can benefit, whether you're stressed about, uh, deadlines or working through a major trauma. Matt, what's a major trauma you've had?

• 34:50Matt McCusker?

  Oh, man. Let me think about one. My brothers used to like beat me up and stuff. That, that's not major. I wouldn't say that was major, but I don't know.

• 34:59Speaker 00

  Maybe you should go talk to somebody about that.

• 35:00Matt McCusker?

  I should, actually.

• 35:05Speaker 00

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• 35:09Speaker 00

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• 35:32Matt McCusker?

  I kind of use it like Chatroulette first of all.

• 35:35Speaker 00

  Our listeners, our listeners, Matt, you're not gonna believe this. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash MSSP. That's better H E L P dot com slash MSSP.

• 35:45Matt McCusker?

  Hey guys, hey, real quick, I just wanted to tell you, uh, I have a big show coming up in Atlantic City. It's in Ocean Casino, Atlantic City, August 18th. The tickets are on my website, mattmccusker.com. Could be the biggest show of my life, uh, and I'll be in the area at the beach for that week, which will be pretty sick in Brigantine, but guys, please come to the show. This is gonna be a huge one and, uh, you know, if I fail to sell tickets, I'll be, I'll be pretty bucked up, so please, please, please, please, please, please come. Ocean Casino, August 18th. It'll be a good time. No, it's not 16th. It's 18th, man. Check your phone, fool. What is it?

• 36:30Matt McCusker?

  August 16th. Is it the 16th? Yeah. It's August 16th, motherfucker. Now I'm finna break her off just for being a good girl. Guys, thank you so much. Please, August 16th, my bad, it is August 16th, not August 18th. Thank you, guys, Atlantic City, please come, I'm gonna try to do a bunch of new stuff. Come on.

• 36:49Speaker 00

  How was your, uh, how was your taping?

• 36:51Matt McCusker?

  Dude, it was so sick.

• 36:52Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 36:52Matt McCusker?

  Such a pressure cooker, man. I, I, I brought my whole family with me like a fucking dumbass.

• 36:57Speaker 00

  Insane move.

• 36:57Matt McCusker?

  Crazy fucking move, dude. Brought wife, obviously, you know, I'm not gonna get into detail, but it was like the unfun half of the month going on there.

• 37:07Matt McCusker?

  Brought our babysitter, brought a babysitter with us.

• 37:11Matt McCusker?

  Times two, so I'm rocking with, my wife got sick right away, so I had a sick wife. It was hell.

• 37:17Speaker 00

  Obviously.

• 37:17Matt McCusker?

  It was crazy, yeah, she was sick.

• 37:19Speaker 00

  It was a huge weekend for me. Oh, I'm sick and mean. Oh, alright. It's the most important weekend of my life. Well, my stomach hurts.

• 37:29Matt McCusker?

  She had like a hundred and one fever, dude. She had a one oh one, just rocking, just in there, just like, oh, good luck. I'm like, Jesus Christ, yeah, it was.

• 37:38Speaker 02

  You champed it.

• 37:39Matt McCusker?

  Then she came, she champed it, came out to the one show.

• 37:41Speaker 02

  Too, you were so mellow the whole time.

• 37:43Matt McCusker?

  Bro, I had.

• 37:44Speaker 02

  I was more. I was more nervous than you were.

• 37:47Matt McCusker?

  I was gonna freak out. I was freaking out leading up to it. I told you when I freaked out. Dude, it's fucking three days beforehand. It was, yeah, true. It was, actually, I'm happy I kind of did. I actually connected to some sort of normal set of feelings, but I was like, just sitting there in my office being like, should I switch this to the third, third person?

• 38:06Speaker 00

  I'm gonna change all my jokes.

• 38:07Matt McCusker?

  Trying to write for like nine years. Oh, dude, that'd be sick going, third person. And then he saw his way.

• 38:16Matt McCusker?

  I just had like, and I was like, wait a second, I have to prepare for this special and I haven't performed in three weeks. And I was like, what the fuck am I doing? And I just literally walked to Nando's and just got wings. And I knew I wasn't hungry. I was like, I'm eating for comfort.

• 38:29Speaker 00

  You're following my path.

• 38:30Matt McCusker?

  I literally did.

• 38:30Speaker 00

  You're following my absolute freak out path.

• 38:32Matt McCusker?

  I was completely.

• 38:33Speaker 00

  I gotta change everything. You know what? I'm gonna eat wings. I'm good.

• 38:39Matt McCusker?

  I texted you right away. I was like, it made me laugh. I was sat on a thing and I was like, this is exactly what he does. And I just, I was eating them outside in the heat and just sweat stinging my eyes. And I just, as I got more full, I was like, I feel okay now.

• 38:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, you gotta get sick and hot and then you go, I'm ready to go on stage.

• 38:54Matt McCusker?

  And I felt much better. And then I like, you know, got it together, but I was still nervous because I had to do shows at the Hollywood Improv. Of course, they're like, they're gonna bring, there's like a small room, like, we're gonna bring a bunch of people out from the industry. I'm like, ah, great. Thanks.

• 39:06Speaker 00

  Great.

• 39:06Matt McCusker?

  Haven't, you know, uh, I, so then I at least got to perform at the mothership. I ran it. I was like, all right, I still remember it. That's good. Did the improv. It was cool. And then, but yeah, then the taping, dude, I was like, first night I started, I was like freaking and I kept flubbing lines. Like the sets were fine. I kept flubbing lines. Flubbing them, bro.

• 39:24Speaker 00

  It's all in your head.

• 39:25Matt McCusker?

  That's what they said.

• 39:26Speaker 00

  Slight fuck up and in your head you're like.

• 39:29Matt McCusker?

  At one point, at one point, I literally, it was kind of funny. I was like, I fuck, start over. And it was fun, but the, uh, one I did flub so bad, a couple I did, then, uh, but the second, but then, so the first night they were like, yeah, it's good. We got it. And I was like, I didn't love any of the sets. I was like, fine enough. And then the second night, leading up to it, I literally cracked my head on a camera. Dude, and you know what's, you know what's funny though? Cause I was like going in the second night, the whole thing, especially when it's like, I don't know if you've ever dealt with this, when like you see the whole camera setup and you're like, all these people are here to film me. You're like, I'm gonna fucking blow it, dude.

• 40:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:03Matt McCusker?

  It was like just bugging out. And I was like, I'm in over my head, fuck. But then when I hit my head, they were like, just trying to fix it. It was like literally a bleeding wounds. They had to put liquid bandage on it and just cover it with makeup.

• 40:15Speaker 00

  Should have kept the blood.

• 40:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 40:18Speaker 00

  Just occasionally have an edit where your, your face.

• 40:22Matt McCusker?

  I would have been kind of sick.

• 40:23Speaker 00

  That would have been awesome.

• 40:24Matt McCusker?

  Especially because they would kind of play with the intro too, but the.

• 40:27Speaker 00

  The one thing I want to do is put myself in the audience.

• 40:30Matt McCusker?

  That would be nasty.

• 40:31Speaker 00

  Over and over again, laughing, just in different outfits.

• 40:37Matt McCusker?

  Why don't you do that? That's awesome.

• 40:40Speaker 00

  Maybe this one, if this one's not good, I'll do something weird.

• 40:42Matt McCusker?

  AI, the audience, it's just you.

• 40:45Speaker 00

  I'll do something goofy.

• 40:46Matt McCusker?

  Drill. That's what I had to do.

• 40:48Speaker 02

  No, that's not true.

• 40:51Matt McCusker?

  Dude, the, uh, so then I'm like, the second night is like, all right, you have to nail it this night. Like all this, you know, all this fucking hoopla to film it. And then, I was sitting backstage and just the fact that I had cracked my head on a camera was like weirdly reassuring. I was like, dude, you're literally a dumbass. Like,

• 41:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:04Matt McCusker?

  Stop worrying about anything. You're a fucking,

• 41:08Matt McCusker?

  just a dumb moron. You cracks your head the day before. I was like doing jumps too, because they were like, just for like all it takes. I was like jumping off the stage, clearing, trying to like clear people at a table.

• 41:23Speaker 00

  Fucking on ruins.

• 41:25Speaker 02

  You're doing crazy shit. Jumped so far too.

• 41:32Matt McCusker?

  You gotta stop. You twisted ankle. You ruined the whole thing. And I was like, I don't care. Like I'm going to jump as high as I can.

• 41:36Speaker 00

  I want to break every bone in front of my family.

• 41:44Speaker 00

  Destroy me in front of my family.

• 41:47Speaker 00

  Honor.

• 41:49Matt McCusker?

  It turned out good, so I was happy, but it was, uh, it was funny. It was such a dumb epiphany. Be like, I was a fucking moron. Like, I gotta, I can't, I can't even try to pretend to, you know?

• 41:59Speaker 00

  Take this seriously.

• 42:00Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, or myself whatsoever, be like, do I really have what it takes? It's like, no, you're a moron, dude.

• 42:05Speaker 00

  Just go.

• 42:06Matt McCusker?

  Do your stupid thing.

• 42:09Matt McCusker?

  All these cameras.

• 42:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, the cameras, when I filmed the Netflix special, they had the big one on the, like, the crane. My whole first hour, I was just.

• 42:23Speaker 00

  Stared at it the entire, it would fly through the air. So I'd be like.

• 42:28Speaker 00

  This has to be ruining the show for anybody, anybody around this.

• 42:33Matt McCusker?

  My second night, I had a giant white, like a spackle patch on my forehead.

• 42:38Speaker 02

  Because he got red, but the makeup was his original.

• 42:42Matt McCusker?

  I did it red and it was just bright white. Now go to like make facial expressions. It would just be a smooth circle. What it, it was so funny.

• 42:50Speaker 00

  The, the movie I was just filming, I, the director would be like, find the lens, look into the lens when you say a line. I didn't know he meant like near the lens. I spent three days going, hey.

• 43:06Speaker 00

  He didn't catch it. He didn't catch it. So I might not be in this movie. Every scene I'm going, but what do we do now?

• 43:15Matt McCusker?

  Like, it was SNL.

• 43:16Speaker 00

  Straight, I was directly into the lens every single day. And then.

• 43:19Matt McCusker?

  Dude, they can just edit your eyes now. The fucking shit now, the effects are crazy.

• 43:23Speaker 00

  I, I eventually like day four of staring into the lens. I was like, when you say at the, at the, he's like, no, don't look into the lens.

• 43:33Speaker 00

  I got bad news for you.

• 43:36Speaker 00

  Every scene.

• 43:37Matt McCusker?

  They're gonna AI your eyes where they're just kinda like this way.

• 43:44Speaker 00

  He's the blind guy.

• 43:50Matt McCusker?

  That's what they have. To do, I think they're gonna have to like use like editing to kind of like make it look like it just have a giant.

• 43:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, they'll contract that.

• 43:56Speaker 02

  The second one looks better though, I thought.

• 43:59Matt McCusker?

  It did, but it was still like a purple bruise on my head that wasn't there the first night, so.

• 44:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, if I put makeup on the red, they never get my ears and my neck. Dark red and my face is white. I look like a Japanese lady.

• 44:14Matt McCusker?

  Your ears are just crimson.

• 44:15Speaker 00

  Dark red.

• 44:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, man, it was, it was sick. It was a lot of fun.

• 44:20Speaker 02

  That was so.

• 44:20Matt McCusker?

  But I'm, I'm fucking wiped, dude. I'm dead. It was a whole week. We did a whole week out there and I would just get woken up at like seven o'clock by my kids. So I'd be out doing that, wake up early. I was running on literally fumes the whole time. I was like, I was the whole time. I'm like, I'm such a fucking idiot. This is the worst way you can possibly do this. It was tight. Our Airbnb was filthy. The second one, it was a frat house, dude.

• 44:41Speaker 00

  Oh, no.

• 44:42Matt McCusker?

  It was disgusting. I got like a cold from it, I think. Cause they had air pur- the place, dude, they didn't clean it. Like they, there, there was like cans next to one of the beds, just like wine coolers and a pack of peanut M and M's just laying there. It's like, dude, I get it if you don't like hit all the nooks and crannies, but you guys don't even look.

• 44:57Speaker 00

  We bought the house my family and I bought in the Poconos.

• 45:02Speaker 00

  It's filled with trash.

• 45:03Matt McCusker?

  Was it really?

• 45:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, I lifted up the couch. They were like beer cans and condoms and shit. I was like, this is, what the fuck is this?

• 45:09Matt McCusker?

  Oh, they're probably Planet Poconos strippers too. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. This was, this was for real bachelor party heaven. It was like just filthy. It had a cool stereo room with like, just like, like Spencer's gift card lights. It was like so fucking dumb. Hopefully, and it was for real.

• 45:25Speaker 00

  That would be dumb, wouldn't it?

• 45:27Matt McCusker?

  I mean, the family, for the family, I was vibing in there. But I like, if you walk around with your bare feet, your bottom of your feet would be black. Like it was disgusting. They had air purifier. They didn't do anything. But they did have air purifiers everywhere. So I was like, they got mold. They must have mold in this fucking place.

• 45:42Speaker 02

  No, brother.

• 45:43Matt McCusker?

  It sucked, but other than that.

• 45:45Speaker 00

  At least your balls don't hurt.

• 45:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:47Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 45:48Speaker 02

  At least you don't have epididymitis.

• 45:49Speaker 00

  Have you been grumpy about it?

• 45:51Speaker 02

  Not particularly.

• 45:52Speaker 00

  You haven't lash out at your partner?

• 45:54Speaker 02

  No, not at my partner. This morning I was more so just ashamed of myself. I was kind of, yeah, I was, I did a little lash out this morning, but.

• 46:02Matt McCusker?

  Why'd you make me upset?

• 46:03Speaker 02

  With the vagina.

• 46:04Speaker 00

  How dare you.

• 46:06Matt McCusker?

  You should blame her for it.

• 46:08Speaker 02

  Okay, I'll think.

• 46:09Matt McCusker?

  You should start, you know, do you ever see the movie?

• 46:10Speaker 00

  What's going on with you?

• 46:11Speaker 02

  This is your fault.

• 46:12Speaker 00

  What happened to you?

• 46:12Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, what did you fucking do to me? What'd you give me?

• 46:15Speaker 02

  I was saying this, that the same urgent care that I got diagnosed with epididymitis at was the one that I got my rectal abscess treated at. So I've gone to this urgent care with just butthole and nutsack problems and they probably think I'm a fucking freak.

• 46:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, dude. Definitely, especially when they see your giant dick.

• 46:36Speaker 02

  I'm a gay freak.

• 46:38Speaker 00

  Ass and balls are wrecked.

• 46:40Matt McCusker?

  They're just going, oh, we got a case of freaky ass.

• 46:43Speaker 00

  There's that weird guy with the huge dick again.

• 46:46Matt McCusker?

  The huge dick and the asshole.

• 46:47Speaker 00

  His asshole is wrecked again.

• 46:49Matt McCusker?

  His asshole is like Rainbow Road from Mario Kart. Defies the laws of gravity.

• 46:54Speaker 02

  I told you guys about that, right? When I was screaming in the urgent care when they lanced my abscess?

• 46:58Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 46:59Speaker 02

  They gave me like five shots of numbing, which is what I thought about when you said the patch. I wish they would have just done that. Cause that was the most painful. It was on the lump in my butthole. They jabbed it, sorry, this is gross, but they jabbed it with a bunch of needles. And I was screaming like as loud and uncontrollably.

• 47:22Speaker 00

  As loud as I could.

• 47:28Matt McCusker?

  What a terrible pain.

• 47:30Speaker 00

  It's a ten.

• 47:31Speaker 02

  It was a ten.

• 47:32Speaker 00

  It's like a ten.

• 47:33Speaker 02

  That was a ten. No, I was going fuck, fuck, I was screaming.

• 47:37Speaker 00

  Dude, that's terrible. I'd rather die.

• 47:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, I want to.

• 47:40Speaker 00

  You'd have to kill me if I have an abscess.

• 47:41Matt McCusker?

  How many shots?

• 47:42Speaker 02

  It was really painful. It was, I lost count, probably like four or five.

• 47:46Speaker 00

  La Mer's ass.

• 47:48Speaker 02

  His popped on his own.

• 47:49Speaker 00

  It's probably my favorite, it's my favorite thing that's ever happened.

• 47:51Matt McCusker?

  I had the.

• 47:52Speaker 00

  His bubble exploding and stinking up an entire urgent care.

• 47:58Speaker 00

  His ass fucking bubble exploded. Oh my God, I would fucking hate you. If I was in that room, I would fucking, I'd still hate you.

• 48:09Matt McCusker?

  That'd be a nice episode of House.

• 48:10Speaker 00

  Every day.

• 48:11Matt McCusker?

  The biggest episode of House, if House come in, they, some black guy's ass exploded.

• 48:17Matt McCusker?

  That's a black ass explosion, guys.

• 48:18Speaker 00

  Move over, I got you.

• 48:22Speaker 00

  Oh, man.

• 48:25Speaker 02

  Hurts my testy to laugh.

• 48:26Speaker 00

  It hurts your balls too.

• 48:28Matt McCusker?

  Oh, no.

• 48:29Speaker 00

  Just rob me of the squat. Squad down, dude.

• 48:33Matt McCusker?

  I got the bust down all right now.

• 48:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, who would have thought that this lifestyle would lead us to severe health issues?

• 48:46Matt McCusker?

  I did have kind of a panic attack in my car. I haven't microdosed in a while and it hit me this morning like a ton of bricks. I was driving over here and like my pinky was touching my ring finger. I just didn't like it. I was like, I don't like the way my pinky feels on my ring finger.

• 48:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, I guess that bothers me now that you mention it.

• 49:00Matt McCusker?

  It was killing me.

• 49:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, that would bother me.

• 49:02Matt McCusker?

  I was like, my hands started feeling fuzzy. I was like, I'm gonna die. Fuck, this sucks. I finally overdid it.

• 49:07Speaker 02

  The Cali weed was freaking me out.

• 49:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 49:09Speaker 02

  After the first night of your taping, I was like, dude, everybody fucking hates me.

• 49:13Matt McCusker?

  I dropped Sean off at the wrong hotel.

• 49:14Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. I was so high after maybe the Thursday show, I think.

• 49:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 49:19Speaker 02

  And there's, it was like a mall, so there's a bunch of hotels and we just stopped at a hotel and I was so high. I was like, alright, see you, Matt. And I got out, I just smoked a cigarette out front of it for like five, 10 minutes before I realized that I was in the wrong place.

• 49:32Matt McCusker?

  I was driving away being like, dude, I can't believe I navigated right back to the right hotel. I didn't even use my phone. I was like, that was pretty good. And he called, I was at a light and he called me like, dude, I'm at the wrong hotel. I was like, fuck.

• 49:42Speaker 00

  Being fucked up, being fucked up and trying to get into a hotel is, I've done it 10,000 times, dude.

• 49:48Matt McCusker?

  10,000 hours.

• 49:49Speaker 00

  Every check in, I'd be like, I left my key in my room.

• 49:54Speaker 00

  How's you guys' night going?

• 49:56Speaker 02

  Do you have any water?

• 49:56Speaker 00

  The one was, the worst one was, I was in a K-hole.

• 50:00Matt McCusker?

  Oh.

• 50:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:01Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 50:02Speaker 00

  And I was like, I can't move. I gotta sit in the lobby. I can't walk.

• 50:05Matt McCusker?

  Oh, no.

• 50:06Speaker 00

  And then Kreischer showed up and was like, you can walk. And just, I easily could walk.

• 50:11Matt McCusker?

  Whoa.

• 50:12Speaker 00

  I could have walked, I could have walked the whole time. I sat in the lobby like.

• 50:16Matt McCusker?

  You might be the best person in the world to be like, you can walk to a K-hole.

• 50:18Speaker 00

  Trust me, I've been to 40 K-holes all the time.

• 50:21Matt McCusker?

  Get up, Shane.

• 50:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, go to the wrong, get up, you can do it.

• 50:27Matt McCusker?

  He might be the blue knight, dude.

• 50:29Speaker 00

  He could be the blue knight. He could, God.

• 50:32Matt McCusker?

  That's so funny. He was like, you just laid there?

• 50:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was sitting in a chair in the lobby in front of a desk. Everyone was just kinda like, all right, this guy's chilling.

• 50:40Matt McCusker?

  Oh, that's not bad.

• 50:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, he was basically a homeless guy. Just came in and sat. And everyone was like, all right, I guess he's doing something. Sat there for at least an hour.

• 50:51Matt McCusker?

  Did you try to like, I guess you went on your phone? Like, what did you do?

• 50:53Speaker 00

  No, I was literally on ketamine.

• 50:55Matt McCusker?

  Oh, you were fucked.

• 50:58Speaker 00

  For an hour.

• 51:03Matt McCusker?

  Were you drinking all the ketamine too?

• 51:05Speaker 00

  I needed help, yeah.

• 51:06Matt McCusker?

  Oh, man. Yeah, that's a heavy depressant. Depressant dissociator.

• 51:11Speaker 00

  It was pretty nice. It went away. It went away quick. It's literally as soon as he was like, you can walk. I was like, oh, all right.

• 51:16Matt McCusker?

  Turns out I can.

• 51:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:17Matt McCusker?

  Sick.

• 51:20Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I've heard of people thinking they were doing like Coke and it turns out it's ketamine and just being like, what the fuck?

• 51:27Speaker 00

  You would have to do a pretty.

• 51:28Matt McCusker?

  It was liquid.

• 51:29Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 51:29Matt McCusker?

  They said they thought it was liquid cocaine.

• 51:31Speaker 00

  That's what I had. I had the nasal spray.

• 51:33Matt McCusker?

  That's what happened.

• 51:33Speaker 00

  The prescription nasal ketamine.

• 51:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 51:37Speaker 02

  How do you get your hands on that? Like, what's it prescribed for?

• 51:40Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 51:41Matt McCusker?

  You can get it online, dude. You can get like.

• 51:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, you can get ketamine pretty easy, I think.

• 51:46Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 51:47Speaker 00

  Through a doctor.

• 51:47Speaker 02

  Interesting.

• 51:48Matt McCusker?

  Verified. You can get lozenges. You can get like.

• 51:51Speaker 02

  I never did it.

• 51:52Speaker 00

  It's.

• 51:53Matt McCusker?

  I can get it for you if you want, Sean.

• 51:55Speaker 00

  It's not that fun.

• 51:57Speaker 00

  Stick to blow.

• 51:58Speaker 02

  All right. If you say so.

• 52:00Matt McCusker?

  If you say so.

• 52:01Speaker 00

  Fine, I guess I have to now. It's either this or ketamine, so.

• 52:07Speaker 00

  I had to do one.

• 52:08Matt McCusker?

  Sure, yeah, stick to the company culture. We don't want internal problems.

• 52:12Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 52:13Matt McCusker?

  Sean, just give our attention. You've stopped doing cocaine. We.

• 52:16Speaker 00

  Sean, you've been sober for a week?

• 52:19Matt McCusker?

  We need to talk about this.

• 52:20Speaker 00

  We don't like that.

• 52:23Speaker 00

  Lemmy's got to witness me and the Ocon Man have a true battle.

• 52:26Speaker 02

  Do you want to step in Lemmy's?

• 52:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, let's get Lemmy's in here for this, cuz.

• 52:30Matt McCusker?

  May I pee real quick?

• 52:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:32Matt McCusker?

  Right back.

• 52:32Speaker 00

  I'll just hold it down.

• 52:34Matt McCusker?

  No, motherfucker, hold down the ark. This doesn't even plug in anything. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Dude, real quick, gotta tell you guys about this.

• 52:43Speaker 00

  I like this.

• 52:44Matt McCusker?

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• 53:28Matt McCusker?

  including omega-3 fish oil and vitamin D3 plus K2 with your first subscription to AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro. That's drinkag1.com/secretpod. This episode is brought to you by Mint Mobile.

• 53:41Speaker 00

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• 53:42Matt McCusker?

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• 53:58Matt McCusker?

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• 54:17Speaker 00

  Incredible.

• 54:22Speaker 03

  Hello.

• 54:24Speaker 00

  How are you?

• 54:24Speaker 03

  I'm good, dude. I'm, uh, feeling all right. I feel pretty good.

• 54:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:30Speaker 03

  Slept nice.

• 54:31Speaker 00

  I had a nice sleep myself.

• 54:34Speaker 00

  Like ten hours.

• 54:35Speaker 03

  Oh, that's beast.

• 54:36Speaker 00

  Fucking great.

• 54:36Speaker 03

  Ten hours is good.

• 54:37Speaker 00

  Yeah. And I woke up like right when I had to wake up. You know what I mean?

• 54:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:41Speaker 00

  Wasn't like.

• 54:42Speaker 03

  You didn't even need an alarm?

• 54:44Speaker 00

  I did have an alarm. No, I woke up before the alarm, but it was, you know, usually I wake up and I'm like, fuck, it's so early. I check. It's like eight AM, seven AM.

• 54:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:54Speaker 00

  Ten AM today.

• 54:55Speaker 03

  Perfect.

• 54:56Speaker 00

  Perfect.

• 54:56Speaker 03

  Dude, that's, that going back to sleep when you wake up early is the worst. Like, it's the most risky sleep in the world.

• 55:01Speaker 00

  It is because you feel good.

• 55:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:03Speaker 00

  The first time when you wake up when it's early, you go, I'm actually, I could get up now if I wanted, but I might as well sleep for three more hours. And then you sleep for three hours. You wake up like, oh.

• 55:16Speaker 03

  Man, you're talking about that at the, uh, bar, the hangover, the hangover sleep?

• 55:21Speaker 00

  That's, that shit rocks.

• 55:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:23Speaker 00

  When you sleep, when you wake up at fucking nine or, and you're like, I'm so hungover. And then you sleep until one and you go,

• 55:31Speaker 00

  I got away with that. Can't believe I got away with that one. The Ocon man must be dead.

• 55:38Speaker 03

  Today.

• 55:39Speaker 00

  He must literally be dead. I didn't, I didn't know how bad he was. Me and the Ocon man argued for seven, seven hours.

• 55:49Matt McCusker?

  Oh, God.

• 55:50Speaker 00

  Politics. Straight. Seven hours straight.

• 55:53Matt McCusker?

  Was it like Iran stuff kinda?

• 55:55Speaker 00

  Sure. It was everything.

• 55:56Matt McCusker?

  Okay.

• 55:56Speaker 00

  But it was, it just kept going back to Donald Trump's a giant piece of shit. And then we were screaming, arguing every time he would say something, I'd be like, we can look that up. And I guarantee you, it happened like five different times where he said something. And then I would look it up and go, this didn't happen. And he would go,

• 56:15Speaker 00

  That's not what I meant. And then he would change the argument.

• 56:17Matt McCusker?

  Oh, no.

• 56:18Speaker 00

  It was crazy.

• 56:18Speaker 03

  The one I remember was, uh, he was like, popular vote means winning 50%.

• 56:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, more than 50%.

• 56:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, more than 50%.

• 56:24Speaker 00

  I was like, no, it doesn't.

• 56:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 56:26Speaker 00

  Popular vote is just the total vote. He was like, no, it's not.

• 56:29Matt McCusker?

  I didn't know, I didn't know that either.

• 56:31Speaker 03

  Then you pulled it out.

• 56:31Speaker 00

  Trump won the popular vote.

• 56:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 56:33Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 56:33Speaker 00

  For the, the Republican won the popular vote for the first time in.

• 56:37Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 56:37Speaker 00

  Forever.

• 56:38Matt McCusker?

  I thought, I was like a landslide the last one.

• 56:40Speaker 00

  For a Republican, that was.

• 56:40Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 56:42Speaker 03

  It was about.

• 56:42Speaker 00

  But, uh, it was nice to look up and go, this, see? And he was like.

• 56:46Matt McCusker?

  Uh, dude's the best feeling in the world. Go to win something in the middle of an argument.

• 56:49Speaker 00

  This is, he, kind of the reverse happened to me and him before when I fell down in the airport at JFK. We had a long argument. I ended up falling down. I lost the argument.

• 56:59Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 57:00Speaker 00

  This time it was Chris. Chris, so we're sitting there for so long arguing and I was like, man, Chris is fucking. At one point I had to be like, watch how you're talking to me.

• 57:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:08Speaker 00

  Like, this is crazy. He was screaming. He did say, all right, my bad on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 57:13Speaker 03

  It was full.

• 57:14Speaker 00

  And then, uh, LaMaire agreed with me on something. He was like, oh, of course, you fucking suck his fucking dick. Fucking ball wash him. It was like, LaMaire never does that. LaMaire disagrees with everything I say.

• 57:26Matt McCusker?

  He really does.

• 57:28Speaker 00

  He's a cocksucker. But he was like mad at LaMaire, then he got mad, then he stood up and fell over a chair. He kept his, he kept his balance, but as soon as he stood up, I was like, oh, all right.

• 57:39Speaker 03

  Yeah. And then he came back and called me.

• 57:42Speaker 00

  And then he called me. He for way too long. I kept talking to him.

• 57:47Matt McCusker?

  What'd he call you for, Nate?

• 57:48Speaker 00

  Well, Nate sold us out.

• 57:48Speaker 03

  Nate sold us out, yeah.

• 57:50Speaker 00

  Nate sold us out and then you left LaMaire in a very uncomfortable spot. If LaMaire's here, if, if LaMaire's around me without you guys, it's very weird.

• 57:57Matt McCusker?

  What happens?

• 57:58Speaker 00

  He's just as quiet and, like, when he lived with me, he would just walk through the house.

• 58:01Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 58:03Speaker 00

  Hey, hey, Shane. And leave.

• 58:05Speaker 03

  I don't want to activate you.

• 58:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, you were around with some tough ones. I'd be hungover, I'd be like, get the fuck out of my house.

• 58:18Matt McCusker?

  He's so quiet around. Oh, great, you again, what the fuck, dude?

• 58:23Speaker 03

  I keep thinking about the plane, uh.

• 58:25Speaker 00

  The plane, that was one.

• 58:26Speaker 03

  Getting drunk on the plane, you'd be like, whatever.

• 58:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, on the, on the way there, you're, you know, terrified of flying.

• 58:32Speaker 03

  When you're sober.

• 58:32Speaker 00

  Way back, you have four drinks, you're like, kill me. Kill me right now, I don't give a fuck, I'll beat God's ass for this. Right when I get to the pearly gates, I'm sprinting into his house. You motherfucker, you're gonna fucking kill me in a plane, you fucking.

• 58:47Matt McCusker?

  I was doing stuff.

• 58:49Speaker 00

  We're talking about getting to the pearly gates and St. Peter being like, oh, Shane Gillis, it looks like you in San Diego.

• 58:57Speaker 00

  Shut the fuck up, dude.

• 59:04Speaker 00

  God lives in a townhouse, he's running through his screen door while he's watching TV, just. You fucking bitch, why'd you kill me on a plane?

• 59:16Matt McCusker?

  What if you went there, he's like, Shane, you are my strongest angel, he's like, yeah, I figured.

• 59:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, I knew that's why I would beat the shit out of St. Peter like that.

• 59:26Matt McCusker?

  No fuck, dude.

• 59:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, St. Peter's kind of, excuse my French, a bitch.

• 59:31Speaker 00

  Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you're talking about the rock of the church, dude.

• 59:35Matt McCusker?

  What the hell are you talking about?

• 59:36Speaker 03

  I mean, dude, the rock of the church is Jesus, but like, you know, that's much my idea.

• 59:39Speaker 00

  No.

• 59:39Matt McCusker?

  Jesus is the fucking church, Jesus is the body of the church. Peter's the rock.

• 59:44Speaker 00

  Peter's the rock that it's built upon.

• 59:45Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 59:46Speaker 00

  Come on, man.

• 59:46Matt McCusker?

  It's not as sophisticated as Paul, but.

• 59:48Speaker 03

  Wait, Peter lied, or Peter, you're fucking.

• 59:50Speaker 00

  Peter denied him.

• 59:51Matt McCusker?

  What would you have done, dude, you're about to get crucified upside down, man, stop talking shit.

• 59:54Speaker 00

  He's like, I don't even know that fucking guy.

• 59:59Matt McCusker?

  Dude, imminent threat.

• 1:00:00Speaker 00

  Everyone's just like, oh, all right.

• 1:00:03Speaker 00

  We saw you hanging out with him every day. I don't, I hated him too. I'm Jesus.

• 1:00:10Matt McCusker?

  I've been reading about the desert fathers. Did you ever get down with those guys?

• 1:00:13Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:00:14Matt McCusker?

  Dude, there was these guys in like, I think the fourth century, who once, I think Constantine was a guy who like made it the Roman, you know, Roman Catholic Church, whatever the official religion. There were these guys that were just already Catholics or Christians that were like, fuck this. They're like, this is not good. And they just went to the desert.

• 1:00:30Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 1:00:30Matt McCusker?

  And just fucking.

• 1:00:31Speaker 00

  Got mainstream.

• 1:00:32Matt McCusker?

  It got to mainstream.

• 1:00:33Speaker 00

  I like the old Desmond.

• 1:00:34Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:36Speaker 00

  All these new fans suck.

• 1:00:37Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, for real. They're like sellout. And then they went out. And also they knew, because I think the guy was like using it for battles. He was like, I saw, you know, he saw the sun split into a silver cross and he had the dream. These guys that were like, I guess like, you know, hermits or like in a monastery were like, fuck, this is not what we're doing here. What the hell? We're not, you're not supposed to use our stuff for Roman battles. They're like, god damn it. They just went to the desert and they just like.

• 1:01:01Speaker 00

  I shouldn't have talked about punching God.

• 1:01:03Matt McCusker?

  He did. He knows you're kidding.

• 1:01:04Speaker 00

  He knows I'm joking.

• 1:01:05Matt McCusker?

  You do it all.

• 1:01:06Speaker 00

  But now I'm definitely gonna die in a fucking plane crash.

• 1:01:08Matt McCusker?

  Nah, he knows.

• 1:01:09Speaker 00

  Fuck. It's gonna be so scary.

• 1:01:11Matt McCusker?

  That would be.

• 1:01:12Speaker 00

  It's gonna be so scary.

• 1:01:13Matt McCusker?

  God, isn't it townhouse?

• 1:01:15Speaker 00

  You think you can beat me up, motherfucker? Show up, then pull up then.

• 1:01:19Matt McCusker?

  You are going to start over from the beginning of evolution now, jerk.

• 1:01:23Speaker 03

  God's sitting in a show like this.

• 1:01:26Matt McCusker?

  Smashing the button.

• 1:01:29Matt McCusker?

  You're gonna get a call. Shane, how do you feel about doing a show this weekend, actually?

• 1:01:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it was, uh, it's tight. They just went to the desert and just fucking.

• 1:01:38Speaker 00

  They were asking me to go to the Middle East soon.

• 1:01:40Matt McCusker?

  What? What? Where? Why?

• 1:01:42Speaker 00

  Uh, Saudi Arabia and UAE or Dubai.

• 1:01:47Matt McCusker?

  Dubai?

• 1:01:48Speaker 00

  I think I'm gonna pass.

• 1:01:50Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. For the troops? Is it for the troops?

• 1:01:52Speaker 00

  Not for the troops. It's for the Saudis.

• 1:01:54Matt McCusker?

  For the Saudi princes?

• 1:01:56Speaker 00

  Yeah. And everyone's like, yeah, you should do it. Everyone's doing it. It's like, for Saudis?

• 1:02:00Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:02Speaker 00

  Weren't those the, uh, nine 11 guys?

• 1:02:06Matt McCusker?

  So I thought.

• 1:02:07Speaker 00

  Weren't they exactly the nine 11 guys?

• 1:02:09Speaker 03

  It was Irene, wasn't it?

• 1:02:11Speaker 00

  Yeah. It's all been Irene this whole time.

• 1:02:15Matt McCusker?

  Convenient.

• 1:02:17Speaker 00

  Fucking Iran.

• 1:02:19Speaker 02

  Hello, everybody. That concludes this week's regular episode. If you'd like to hear the rest, please join us on Patreon. Patreon.com/MSsecretpod. Thank you. Have a great week.