Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)

Watch Ari's New Special 'America's Sweetheart' on Netflix Now!!! Support the D. A. W. G. Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Support Ari @ https://www.arishaffir.com/ Good afternoon everyone. We're back with another cast for you!!!! This week we're joined by our dear pal Ari. Go watch his brand new stand up special available NOW on Netflix. Please enjoy. God Bless. Download the PrizePicks app or visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED today and use code Drenched to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Wow, wow, Wes. Hey, how are you?

• 0:07Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 0:08Matt McCusker?

  What a great start.

• 0:09Speaker 00

  We're here, wow, you guys missed an incredible trip. We, uh, we're here live with the Ari Shaffir.

• 0:15Speaker 02

  Thanks, guys.

• 0:16Speaker 00

  He's got a new special out on Netflix called America's Sweetheart.

• 0:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's where I am.

• 0:21Matt McCusker?

  I like that.

• 0:21Speaker 00

  I don't know how you've tricked everybody into thinking you're some nice fucking guy. I hate it. Everybody's always around me, they're like, Ari's great. He's so nice, he helps other com- I'm just sitting there, just, I know he's a fucking devil, dude. Only when the cameras are on, I'll give a dollar to a open mic'er. You're a sack of shit. And then I'll take it back. And close doors.

• 0:43Speaker 00

  Well, yeah, it's exciting stuff, dude.

• 0:44Speaker 02

  Thanks.

• 0:45Speaker 00

  Congratulations on the special.

• 0:46Speaker 02

  It's awesome.

• 0:47Speaker 00

  Thanks. I'm digging the vibes in here today, man.

• 0:48Matt McCusker?

  Me too, dude.

• 0:49Speaker 00

  Very NPR-esque.

• 0:50Matt McCusker?

  I think so, too.

• 0:51Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, wow. Very low, very...

• 0:53Matt McCusker?

  You think we're going NPR right now?

• 0:54Speaker 00

  I think we're going a little quiet.

• 0:55Matt McCusker?

  I like that, yeah.

• 0:56Speaker 00

  I don't mind it. How about this, how about, hey, say, say, hey, welcome Ari again. Hey, welcome Ari Shaffir.

• 1:00Speaker 02

  Thanks, Shane, thanks, Matt, it's been a pleasure, I've been listening to you guys for a long time.

• 1:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, what a...

• 1:04Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:05Speaker 00

  I got to check out your special last night, and wow, what a special treat that was, thank you.

• 1:10Speaker 02

  That's an honor. Uh, when you did, you interviewed Charlie Rose, that was one of the greatest interviews I've ever seen.

• 1:15Matt McCusker?

  It's very transgressive.

• 1:17Speaker 00

  It was transgressive, man.

• 1:20Speaker 02

  Wait, which, what's that word?

• 1:21Speaker 00

  Don't worry about it, uh, means aggressive. Trans. Oh, right, right, right.

• 1:26Matt McCusker?

  Transgressive.

• 1:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:28Matt McCusker?

  That'd be a sick name for like a roller derby player, like a giant lady.

• 1:31Speaker 00

  Transgressive.

• 1:32Matt McCusker?

  Her name's transgressive.

• 1:33Speaker 00

  The transgressor.

• 1:33Matt McCusker?

  She's an enfor- yeah, enforcer.

• 1:35Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 1:36Matt McCusker?

  I, I, you used to watch roller derby on TV?

• 1:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, I used to think it was gonna be so cool.

• 1:41Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I didn't know what to like, think about it.

• 1:42Speaker 00

  On paper, I thought, I was like, this is gonna be incre- honestly, kinda like slam ball.

• 1:45Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:46Speaker 00

  On the trampolines. Slam ball was pretty great. I thought it was gonna be incredible, and if... They would take a fucking... XFL, trash.

• 1:52Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:53Speaker 00

  Roller derby, trash.

• 1:54Matt McCusker?

  Well, roller derby to me, it was like, in my head, for some reason, I was like, oh, yeah, girls in the roller blades, short shorts, and I was like, these girls are pretty strong.

• 2:03Speaker 00

  They're gonna scissor.

• 2:04Matt McCusker?

  I thought I was gonna get way more into it sexually, and I was like, this is...

• 2:07Speaker 00

  Oh, you went into it sexually, I went into it strictly for the game.

• 2:10Matt McCusker?

  You went for the love of the game.

• 2:11Speaker 00

  Sounds like a cool sport.

• 2:13Matt McCusker?

  It sounded to me like a sexual thing when I was younger, I was like, oh, yeah, roller derby time, and I'm like, man, these are some giant ladies.

• 2:20Speaker 00

  I like, yeah, they are slut. Take that one chick, and they just...

• 2:22Matt McCusker?

  Launcher.

• 2:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's fun. And then someone else like, clothesline, and you're like, oh, fuck, like, you're launching. Yeah, it's nice.

• 2:28Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I guess the point guard girls were kind of.

• 2:29Speaker 00

  So they're all kind of, yeah, they're either giant butch lesbians or giant straight sluts.

• 2:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 2:36Speaker 00

  You know?

• 2:37Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, what's the, yeah.

• 2:38Speaker 00

  Like pinup girls, they wear like, you know what I mean? They have like throwback tattoos of like from like the 40s or 50s.

• 2:45Matt McCusker?

  They were like, um.

• 2:46Speaker 00

  What's that word I'm looking for?

• 2:48Speaker 02

  Uh, Betty.

• 2:49Speaker 00

  Rockabilly, is that it?

• 2:51Matt McCusker?

  Burlesque, I'm thinking of burlesque dancers, yeah, it's very much burlesque dancers wrestling each other.

• 2:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:57Matt McCusker?

  Burlesque, have you ever felt, you ever gotten into that?

• 2:59Speaker 00

  I've had to do standup shows at some of those and again, something I thought I'd be into.

• 3:06Matt McCusker?

  Exactly.

• 3:06Speaker 00

  You see the dancing, you know?

• 3:08Speaker 02

  It's the same as standup.

• 3:09Speaker 00

  Fucking gross.

• 3:10Speaker 02

  The low level ones, they're like, please come, free drinks.

• 3:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, burlesque is pretty, I like, yeah, the same way, I'm like, oh yeah, it's gonna be awesome. And you're like, this is, this sucks, I don't even want to see these girls do this.

• 3:20Speaker 02

  And you're like, take it all off, like, we don't take it all off, we take some off.

• 3:23Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's like librarians.

• 3:25Speaker 00

  It is.

• 3:26Matt McCusker?

  Librarians like showing their fucking underwear and you're like, dude, just put your fucking clothes back on and go back to the library, I don't want to.

• 3:31Speaker 02

  Have some self-respect.

• 3:33Matt McCusker?

  You don't have to do this. Why are you doing this?

• 3:37Speaker 00

  Does Dewey Decimal not pay well?

• 3:40Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, we're anti burlesque here, I don't like that at all.

• 3:43Speaker 00

  No.

• 3:45Speaker 02

  Stand strongly against burlesque.

• 3:46Speaker 00

  We're against it, what else is going on?

• 3:48Matt McCusker?

  That is, that is tight for guys, some guys do get dragged into the burlesque world by their girlfriend and they have to sit there and be like, those all very powerful performances from all four of you guys. I like the one dressed as the devil, that was pretty cool.

• 4:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, they shake their tits with tassels on them.

• 4:04Speaker 02

  With tassels.

• 4:04Speaker 00

  In front of other weirdo, like five weirdos in a room.

• 4:07Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 4:08Speaker 00

  Long-haired skinny boyfriends just sitting there and just.

• 4:11Speaker 02

  They always have those scarves that don't actually warm them.

• 4:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:15Speaker 02

  It's just loose feathers.

• 4:16Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's a decorative scarf, yeah.

• 4:17Speaker 00

  This thing's flying right now, this podcast is flying, I can feel it, we're gonna catch something.

• 4:22Matt McCusker?

  Well, we were doing NPR vibes, if you want to, dude, just turn up the dial, if you turn up the dial dude, if you want to jam.

• 4:27Speaker 00

  All I can think of now, we're still, well, hold on man, let's, let's talk Hell Let Loose, the newest hit video game in my mind.

• 4:34Matt McCusker?

  Oh yeah.

• 4:34Speaker 00

  Hell Let Loose.

• 4:35Speaker 02

  I've been playing as the Nazis.

• 4:37Speaker 00

  Of course you are.

• 4:40Matt McCusker?

  You were like, you need a cheat code.

• 4:41Speaker 00

  No, you don't get to pick, you don't get to pick.

• 4:43Matt McCusker?

  I won't be regular, show me the cheat code.

• 4:44Speaker 00

  You don't get to pick which team they put you on, but when I do get the Nazis, a part of me goes.

• 4:49Speaker 02

  I love Shane's like, I'll just, I'll work the chambers.

• 4:52Speaker 00

  No.

• 4:52Speaker 02

  I'll just work, I'll Sims it.

• 4:54Speaker 00

  True.

• 4:55Matt McCusker?

  Do they have the chambers in the game?

• 4:56Speaker 02

  No.

• 4:57Speaker 00

  It's realistic, bro. They didn't exist. It's a realistic game.

• 5:01Matt McCusker?

  What are you laughing about?

• 5:05Speaker 00

  It's a realistic game. Too realistic.

• 5:08Matt McCusker?

  That's so fucking funny.

• 5:11Speaker 02

  It's so funny when you talk to like old Europeans about it and they're like, like we talked about the Slovak, like they took it too. And like a lot of different people took it hard and they're like the gypsies too. And everyone's like, yeah, but they deserve.

• 5:23Speaker 02

  Even the Jews like.

• 5:24Speaker 00

  No, wait, did, who, who in your family died in the Holocaust?

• 5:26Speaker 02

  I, none of them that I knew.

• 5:28Speaker 00

  Oh, okay. Well, yeah, obviously, but.

• 5:30Speaker 02

  Yeah. All my dad's greater family.

• 5:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:32Speaker 02

  None of his direct.

• 5:35Matt McCusker?

  Damn, just like cousins and stuff.

• 5:36Speaker 02

  Like 35 of them gone.

• 5:38Speaker 00

  Your grandpa?

• 5:40Speaker 02

  He survived. Grandma, grandpa, dad, all sisters, and then one of the grandmas, brother.

• 5:46Matt McCusker?

  Surviving the Holocaust must've been crazy.

• 5:48Speaker 00

  It's kinda sus, dude.

• 5:49Matt McCusker?

  You think it's sus?

• 5:51Speaker 00

  Interesting. To survive? What did you do in there?

• 5:58Speaker 02

  I mean, that's, yeah, that's a really evil thing to say, but.

• 6:04Matt McCusker?

  No, it's just funny. It's funny talking to like literally a genuine Holocaust survivor. Like you survived kinda sus and they're like, what? What is it?

• 6:12Speaker 02

  I was gonna say, it's kinda weird.

• 6:13Matt McCusker?

  Sus?

• 6:14Speaker 00

  How'd you get out of that?

• 6:17Speaker 02

  Well, I regret that joke.

• 6:20Speaker 00

  I regret that one already.

• 6:23Matt McCusker?

  That's a funny joke. Just the word sus in Holocaust survivors, so funny. You just went, you like bore witness to the most horrific condition. You're like shitty fucking grandsons like, that's actually kinda sus.

• 6:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, dude, what are you fucking doing? Is that how you did it?

• 6:39Speaker 02

  My brother's kid started saying sus. He's like eight. And my brother was like, he's so creative. And I'm like, that's like a term. He goes, oh, fuck.

• 6:50Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's like the Fortnite dance. A lot of little kids.

• 6:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, Fortnite dance.

• 6:53Matt McCusker?

  They really do do those things. Like you go somewhere, there's kids just busting out.

• 6:57Speaker 02

  Everyone hits it the whole time.

• 6:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's kind of actually upsetting that like all kids now talk exactly the same.

• 7:02Speaker 02

  Fortnite talk.

• 7:04Matt McCusker?

  It's a motherfucking bullshit.

• 7:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, there is no local dialect anymore.

• 7:08Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 7:08Speaker 02

  Philly's holding on strong. That's about it.

• 7:10Speaker 00

  Philly's got it.

• 7:11Speaker 02

  They're losing it. You don't have it. You don't have it.

• 7:13Speaker 00

  Matt has it.

• 7:14Matt McCusker?

  Only when I get mad. I'm like a Latino.

• 7:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:17Matt McCusker?

  When I get mad, it comes out. My passion comes out.

• 7:21Speaker 02

  Matty, Matty McCardo?

• 7:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, he gets fired up.

• 7:23Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I'm pretty, I'm pretty passionate right now. I'm still off the porn. I've been off the porn since January 6.

• 7:28Speaker 02

  Why? Did you find the best one?

• 7:29Matt McCusker?

  No, I just, I said, I'm this year, I'm like, I'm going to try to go back off. And I went off for a long time. And then I went back on being, because I went back and forth. I'm like, I'm not going to quit something if there's no real reason to quit it. Then I went back off and I was like, I finally had sex last night and I was like, I shouldn't say finally, but I had sex.

• 7:50Matt McCusker?

  I was growing my beard in protest.

• 7:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:52Matt McCusker?

  I told Brittany, I was like, I'm not shaving the last.

• 7:54Speaker 02

  And you look skinny. You've been on hunger strike.

• 7:56Matt McCusker?

  I've been working out. Thank you for noticing. I've hit, yeah, I've hit like, I think one eighth of my goal weight, 178. I'm trying to get to. Thank you for noticing.

• 8:02Speaker 00

  That's my goal weight.

• 8:04Matt McCusker?

  178?

• 8:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:05Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 8:06Speaker 00

  I tell you.

• 8:06Speaker 02

  About fucking 100 pounds off.

• 8:10Speaker 02

  You'll get to 100 pounds off soon.

• 8:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, when I'm dead.

• 8:14Matt McCusker?

  But yeah.

• 8:15Speaker 02

  Wait, what do you use? Imagination?

• 8:16Matt McCusker?

  For what?

• 8:17Speaker 00

  To ejaculate.

• 8:19Matt McCusker?

  I tried.

• 8:20Speaker 02

  Wait, were you just watching porn for the cinematography?

• 8:22Matt McCusker?

  No, no, no, no, I was obviously masturbating to it. I mean, I have watched once, like a couple of times when I was younger, I would just kind of like throw it up. Just like watch to see what I wanted to come back to when I came home.

• 8:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:32Matt McCusker?

  But I was pretty deep into it, but the, uh.

• 8:34Speaker 00

  Where are you fucking laughing at? You've been there. You do it now.

• 8:38Matt McCusker?

  I still do. It's an actual problem, but I just kind of was.

• 8:41Speaker 00

  You actually look like onk.

• 8:43Speaker 02

  Monk.

• 8:45Speaker 00

  You've become a.

• 8:47Speaker 02

  It's fine. I like it. I kinda love it.

• 8:49Speaker 00

  I do too. You look cute. Wow.

• 8:51Matt McCusker?

  It's the white wife effect.

• 8:52Speaker 02

  It's the white wife effect.

• 8:54Speaker 00

  It is the white wife effect. Holy shit dude. You are dressed like a fucking old white man.

• 8:59Speaker 02

  I am wearing a nine eleven shirt.

• 9:01Speaker 00

  Please show the people the truth. That is fully white New Bounces, light jeans.

• 9:06Speaker 02

  That's not even.

• 9:07Speaker 00

  Nine eleven, bro.

• 9:09Speaker 02

  That's not even an eagle. What is that? It is an eagle. That ain't an eagle. It's a crow. It's a crying eagle.

• 9:13Matt McCusker?

  Damn, bro.

• 9:14Speaker 00

  You're a monk.

• 9:15Speaker 02

  Or a crow.

• 9:16Matt McCusker?

  He's dressed like a substitute bus driver.

• 9:18Speaker 02

  You don't even have an ass anymore. You got a flat white ass. I did lose my ass. How'd you lose your ass? That's actually a soft spot. All right, please don't talk about the ass. You lose your ass in reparations?

• 9:29Speaker 02

  In solidarity with my woman.

• 9:30Matt McCusker?

  You lost your ass for real? What happened?

• 9:32Speaker 02

  I don't know.

• 9:32Matt McCusker?

  It's a fucking white wife.

• 9:33Speaker 02

  It's a white wife.

• 9:34Speaker 00

  Pancake butt.

• 9:35Speaker 02

  I donated it to her.

• 9:37Speaker 00

  You get the fucking white flapjacks.

• 9:40Matt McCusker?

  You know, you like foot train like young Chinese girls, you think you.

• 9:43Speaker 00

  They bind to Nate's ass. Are you wearing Spanx? How is it like that?

• 9:51Speaker 02

  I just lost.

• 9:52Speaker 00

  This is what we needed. The podcast needed.

• 9:56Speaker 00

  We had no topic.

• 9:59Matt McCusker?

  You're trying to someone to attack.

• 10:01Speaker 02

  Oh my God.

• 10:03Matt McCusker?

  You look good.

• 10:04Speaker 02

  Thank you. Thank you.

• 10:05Speaker 00

  You do look good. I actually genuinely think you look great.

• 10:08Matt McCusker?

  The sweatshirt's sick.

• 10:08Speaker 00

  Yeah. How do you been? Since I've been back, you've been much more reserved and quiet?

• 10:13Speaker 02

  It's, it's not good.

• 10:14Speaker 00

  Did you get molested?

• 10:17Speaker 00

  What happened?

• 10:17Speaker 02

  You weren't here to protect them, Shane.

• 10:19Speaker 00

  I know. I think you left them all.

• 10:20Speaker 02

  The Kill Tony crew molested my sweet boys. You've been running a train on guard. Don't say that. Don't say that. They would never.

• 10:31Speaker 02

  Create ops.

• 10:32Matt McCusker?

  You haven't, you've been having, I had very low confidence when I moved down here.

• 10:37Speaker 00

  Is it confidence?

• 10:39Speaker 02

  I don't think it's confidence.

• 10:40Matt McCusker?

  Sean said it. Sean said low confidence in Nate. No conflict.

• 10:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think it's flipping. That's the problem. I'm going from non-conflict to like, I think, I think I'm turning nasty and I'm trying to.

• 10:51Speaker 00

  You getting nasty?

• 10:52Speaker 03

  I'm trying to keep it in though. I'm trying not to be nasty Nate. I'm trying to.

• 10:55Speaker 00

  I like.

• 10:57Speaker 03

  I don't want to be no conflict either, but I was, I was happier as no conflict, but, but people.

• 11:02Speaker 00

  No, I want you guys, I want them to have conflict.

• 11:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, because I, the last time I saw each of you, you were, what's the word? Bitches? Screaming. Screaming bitches.

• 11:12Speaker 00

  That's when No Conflict Nate started, right there.

• 11:14Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 11:16Speaker 00

  Guard Dog called him No Conflict Nate, because they were, you guys need ops, and the Kill Tony crew was perfect for you guys to battle with.

• 11:24Speaker 00

  You guys need to battle with them.

• 11:29Speaker 03

  Not bad. We're gonna switch.

• 11:32Matt McCusker?

  Sir, why did you, why did you get dragged into conflict? Who wanted more conflict in your life?

• 11:35Speaker 00

  Guard Dog wanted conflict. Nate said, I don't want any conflict.

• 11:39Matt McCusker?

  But now, but he's Zandini.

• 11:41Speaker 03

  He's Zandini now.

• 11:42Matt McCusker?

  Wait, so why does he get a cool no conflict name and he hit you with like a negative one?

• 11:49Speaker 00

  He's the writer.

• 11:52Speaker 03

  I like nasty Nate though. I'll be nasty Nate.

• 11:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, you need to be nasty. I like you nasty.

• 11:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:57Speaker 00

  I like you being mean. Nate, I've never known you angry.

• 12:00Speaker 03

  That's what I'm saying.

• 12:00Speaker 00

  I've always been pretty chill.

• 12:02Speaker 03

  Shane's seen it, but it was years ago. I've got.

• 12:04Speaker 00

  I know, but I'm still, no, it comes out. It was funny watching Guard Dog.

• 12:07Speaker 02

  Special needs guy at an open mic.

• 12:09Speaker 03

  He wasn't special needs.

• 12:11Speaker 00

  He was after you punched him.

• 12:13Speaker 03

  I did, I did punch him. He asked for it, but he, he probably was bipolar though. But that doesn't count. I think you can punch a bipolar.

• 12:20Speaker 00

  You can't punch a bisexual, punch a bipolar.

• 12:24Speaker 02

  I think he was actually a bisexual bipolar.

• 12:26Speaker 00

  Oh damn.

• 12:26Speaker 03

  That actually might be true.

• 12:27Speaker 00

  Yeah. That's the, that's unipolar.

• 12:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, comes back.

• 12:33Matt McCusker?

  Damn, he was bisexual bipolar?

• 12:34Speaker 03

  He was definitely bipolar. He was possibly bisexual.

• 12:38Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 12:38Speaker 03

  He did, he got in a kissing distance.

• 12:40Speaker 00

  I was gonna say, I think that might be, it might have been a lover's quarrel more than a.

• 12:45Speaker 03

  The first thing he did was blow a kiss at me. That is what started the conflict though. I was walking into, it was like an open mic at the time that we were going to, and I was walking past, uh, and I just tried to say what up. And we got, cause we were clearly not, like having, we were clearly having tension, but I was trying to not worry about that. And I walked past, said what's up, and he went, and then, you know.

• 13:07Matt McCusker?

  I didn't sock him right then, time had passed. I went outside to smoke and he just, he was trying to fight me but like in an alleyway. He was like, let's go to an alleyway, wait for the mic. And I was like, you're a psycho. I know you're gonna try to stab me back there.

• 13:18Speaker 02

  He's gonna try to suck you.

• 13:20Matt McCusker?

  He's gonna try.

• 13:22Matt McCusker?

  Better be, I just came back to the mic, zen.

• 13:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's what you need though. That's the best way to do open mics is with open conflict with somebody else in the room. So then you go on stage and do stand up.

• 13:33Matt McCusker?

  At them.

• 13:34Speaker 02

  Which is so embarrassing to do while.

• 13:36Matt McCusker?

  Fighting.

• 13:36Speaker 02

  At any open mic in general.

• 13:37Speaker 00

  Watches.

• 13:39Speaker 02

  In the worst room, we're like, we're all, we're all failing here.

• 13:44Speaker 02

  And it's like, you sucked. Like, you're next.

• 13:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're on next. And you suck. We're both here.

• 13:48Matt McCusker?

  I'm not gonna laugh at your jokes. Six of us.

• 13:51Speaker 00

  I'm gonna whisper to somebody next to me and go, this guy fucking sucks.

• 13:54Speaker 02

  God, I miss open mics where you had to pretend to listen until you get on and you could stop.

• 13:58Speaker 00

  The best was going to those mics that everyone just was done pretending. No one listened. Like the Raven towards the end, people were just.

• 14:05Matt McCusker?

  Fell apart.

• 14:05Speaker 00

  It was just a bar.

• 14:07Speaker 02

  That's nice.

• 14:07Speaker 00

  It was just people standing and talking at a bar. And then one at a time, someone would go up while no one listened to them.

• 14:13Speaker 02

  Let me ruin the vibe while you guys are talking.

• 14:15Speaker 00

  No one listened.

• 14:15Matt McCusker?

  Dude, when I, The Raven, when I started comedy, was run by H Foley and Chris Cotton, R.I.P. And if you like even whispered, you'd have one of them like, shut the fuck up.

• 14:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, they were fucking.

• 14:26Matt McCusker?

  They ran it. It was such a.

• 14:28Speaker 00

  They were yacked out of their minds.

• 14:29Matt McCusker?

  They were so drunk.

• 14:30Speaker 00

  They were going nuts.

• 14:30Matt McCusker?

  It would get hammered the whole, it was so good though. It was this tiny black box of a room and there were, it could fit like maybe forty people.

• 14:38Speaker 00

  They really did that.

• 14:39Matt McCusker?

  So fun.

• 14:39Speaker 00

  Raven Lounge, yeah, but it was like.

• 14:42Matt McCusker?

  It would have been two thousand eight, two thousand nine.

• 14:44Speaker 00

  If you did helium, usually on a Thursday, you would go to The Raven.

• 14:47Speaker 02

  After I'd seen me have done it then.

• 14:48Matt McCusker?

  It was so fucking fun.

• 14:50Speaker 02

  How big was H Foley though? He's like G Foley.

• 14:52Speaker 00

  He was as big.

• 14:52Matt McCusker?

  He wasn't as big. No, he was, he was still.

• 14:55Speaker 00

  He's still lowercase H.

• 14:56Matt McCusker?

  Still young tadpole.

• 14:57Speaker 02

  H, H not fully?

• 15:01Matt McCusker?

  He was a big dog, but he was not, nearly. Chris Cotton was a big dog too.

• 15:05Speaker 02

  Cotton was a big dog.

• 15:05Matt McCusker?

  That was a lot of big dog energy in that room.

• 15:07Speaker 00

  There's a lot of big dogs up there.

• 15:08Matt McCusker?

  It was crazy.

• 15:10Speaker 00

  Kevin Ryan did a good job surrounding himself with big dogs.

• 15:13Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 15:13Speaker 02

  Kevin Ryan really is like that six chick who's hanging around the fours.

• 15:17Matt McCusker?

  It's crazy. He's like, he's, he's fat as fuck, dude. He's fat as fuck. And he's like, no, I'm so thin. I'm like, bro.

• 15:24Speaker 00

  The whole time he's just talking to H Foley about being fat.

• 15:27Matt McCusker?

  It's so fucking. I never even thought about it.

• 15:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:30Matt McCusker?

  His guys was totally effective.

• 15:31Speaker 00

  It's a great move, dude.

• 15:33Matt McCusker?

  That's so good.

• 15:33Speaker 00

  Shame. So I had Lemare in the poolhouse, now I'm fucked.

• 15:38Speaker 00

  Just a unit out there.

• 15:41Matt McCusker?

  I told you about the guy when I worked for an electrician. We were like, we all would go to a bar afterwards, it's where he paid everybody and he did all of his like, hirings there and this one guy came in. He's fat as fuck, my boss was also pretty portly as well. And he looked at the dude, the guy starts handing him his resume, he goes, I don't know, you're hired. And the guy's like, are you serious? He's like, yeah, I need someone here fatter than me.

• 16:02Speaker 02

  He was like, oh, alright.

• 16:04Speaker 00

  Fuck you, thank you. I'll take it. Don't like it, but I'll take it.

• 16:08Matt McCusker?

  It's the funniest hiring I've ever seen. Fatter than me, hired. This episode is brought to you by Mint Mobile.

• 16:16Speaker 00

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• 16:17Matt McCusker?

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• 16:24Speaker 00

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• 16:33Matt McCusker?

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• 16:53Speaker 00

  Incredible. Oh man, but back to the pornography and you giving it up.

• 16:56Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah dude.

• 16:57Speaker 00

  I wanted to say that the law here does help with that, obviously.

• 17:01Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 17:02Speaker 00

  Cause you don't, I mean, if you sink so low is to go to Xvideos.

• 17:06Matt McCusker?

  It's so embarrassing going on.

• 17:08Speaker 00

  Which sites are still available in Texas? You're disgusting. Yeah, you gotta go through like the ninth grade. Where did I used to jack all?

• 17:15Matt McCusker?

  I know, it's.

• 17:16Speaker 00

  There's a lot more hidden camera videos on those.

• 17:18Matt McCusker?

  There's a lot of legal stuff.

• 17:19Speaker 00

  There's a lot of stuff, yeah. I'm like, whoa. I saw one that was just, it said, how old is she?

• 17:26Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 17:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:27Matt McCusker?

  That was the title?

• 17:28Speaker 00

  That was the title. I wasn't even searching anything, that was just on the main.

• 17:31Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they, they throw you.

• 17:32Speaker 00

  Just for the record.

• 17:33Matt McCusker?

  They throw you crazy shit.

• 17:34Speaker 00

  That was a curveball and I was like, what?

• 17:36Matt McCusker?

  How old is she? Well, you should have investigated.

• 17:37Speaker 00

  Find out.

• 17:38Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, man, like.

• 17:40Speaker 00

  It's the producers going like, we don't know, we'd love to find out. There's only one way to find out.

• 17:46Matt McCusker?

  That didn't feel like sixteen on my jerk.

• 17:47Speaker 00

  Weird.

• 17:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's.

• 17:50Speaker 00

  But that they that law that they passed, it is helpful.

• 17:53Matt McCusker?

  I think it's good. Yeah, it makes perfect sense.

• 17:55Speaker 00

  It just I when they went to pass the law, you protested. Cause any other time you'd be like, yeah, go ahead, get rid of it until you're horny.

• 18:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 18:03Speaker 00

  Then when you're horny, you go, what the fuck have they done?

• 18:05Matt McCusker?

  That's what I'm saying.

• 18:06Speaker 00

  What have they taken from us?

• 18:07Matt McCusker?

  For me, and again, I haven't, you know, I haven't been tested now in like a lone in hotel room. That's the ultimate. That's like, I mean, in my house, easy. I mean, you know, obviously it takes some effort, but easy enough, but like, dude.

• 18:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:20Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that shit's impossible. But now that I'm off of though, when you're, when you're married, though, it's like, if you have porn, it gives you like a little trench. Where like if you're fighting, you could be like, and just go beat off and then keep the fight going. But if you're charged up.

• 18:37Matt McCusker?

  It's your trench. You can just be like.

• 18:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, you go back to the foxhole.

• 18:39Matt McCusker?

  I don't need you. Yep, I don't need, fuck you, blah, blah, blah.

• 18:42Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 18:42Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I was on a.

• 18:45Speaker 00

  Fully protected.

• 18:46Matt McCusker?

  It was basically a ten day.

• 18:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:47Matt McCusker?

  It was like a ten day hold in. And I was like, we were like, it was like a mild beef, regular stuff, and I wanted to be mad so badly. And she just touched me last night and I was diamond hard. And we had to settle the beef immediately. And I was like, yep, porn is definitely not good.

• 19:03Speaker 00

  Everything.

• 19:03Matt McCusker?

  So I I doubled down on porn. I'm off porn now.

• 19:05Speaker 00

  Are you using your imagination?

• 19:07Matt McCusker?

  Uh, if I, if I sink so low ass to hurt myself in masturbation, yes. But yeah, no, I try not to masturbate at all. I mean, I'm not gonna be a psycho about it. If, you know, if I like really can't sleep, I'll just do it, but it's not like a shame thing, but it definitely is a relationship enhancer.

• 19:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:23Matt McCusker?

  Almost too much. I was, I was telling, uh, Spud today, I was like, dude, I was telling him like, I had this like, almost like mystical experience having sex after like no porn for weeks, holding it in. I'm having, I'm like, it almost got, I got so carried away, I almost ordered up the third. I was on the verge of sending of just CPing last night.

• 19:44Speaker 00

  What is that? What is CP?

• 19:45Matt McCusker?

  It's cream pie, creating another kid. I have two kids. I, I last night was so charged. I was like.

• 19:50Speaker 00

  Color people.

• 19:51Matt McCusker?

  Fuck it, dude, I don't care.

• 19:52Speaker 00

  Child, oh, okay.

• 19:54Matt McCusker?

  I was like.

• 19:56Speaker 00

  This could be anything.

• 19:57Matt McCusker?

  A lot of slang, a lot of street, I was using a lot of street slang.

• 20:00Speaker 00

  Considering a pie.

• 20:01Matt McCusker?

  I was, I was like, and I know, you know, now it's like been so long, she's ovulating. She's putting paws on me. I'm like, okay, you're ovulating.

• 20:09Speaker 00

  So the pie was in the windowsill and you were going.

• 20:12Matt McCusker?

  I was about to.

• 20:13Speaker 00

  No one's gonna know.

• 20:14Speaker 02

  You said I'm gonna pie.

• 20:15Matt McCusker?

  I was like, I'm about to pie.

• 20:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm about to pie.

• 20:17Matt McCusker?

  What the fuck are you doing? I was like, my bad, I thought we were on the same wavelength here. But I for real had like, it was, I mean, it's embarrassing to talk about. I had to get genuinely.

• 20:24Speaker 02

  You need to say anything.

• 20:25Matt McCusker?

  Pretty profound experience.

• 20:26Speaker 02

  You needed me there to pull your hips.

• 20:28Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah, I needed you there to pull me out, dude. I was so resolute, I was like, no fucking way. And last night, I just, all I did was go off the porn for two weeks. I was like, it has to be done.

• 20:41Matt McCusker?

  I was like, what the fuck? What are you doing? I was like, oh, sorry about that.

• 20:43Speaker 02

  It must be done. The pie.

• 20:46Matt McCusker?

  So I got a little too horny off the porn, but I swear, it's been validating now.

• 20:50Speaker 02

  Three point one four.

• 20:54Speaker 02

  It was time.

• 20:54Matt McCusker?

  Two, seven, three, seven, repeating. It was fucking time, bro. It was pie squared.

• 21:01Matt McCusker?

  But yeah, that was making, it was actually, it was just like a cool realization to be like, yeah, you see what porn does in a relationship and you're like, it is not good.

• 21:09Speaker 02

  And you're gonna remember this when you're back on?

• 21:11Matt McCusker?

  I hope. I mean, look, I don't get, that's the thing, I don't beat myself up, dude, if I fucking fall.

• 21:15Speaker 02

  Be yourself.

• 21:15Matt McCusker?

  Beat myself off. If I fall, I'm trying to.

• 21:21Matt McCusker?

  Well, I'm trying to take the shame component out. Cause the no fat thing was crazy. I'm like, dude, it's crazy to be like, I'm just never gonna come ever again. But then, you know, to be like, yeah, just fucking jerk off to porn. I'm like, it's equally as weird, cause it's just not good for you. You just, to see fake ladies and come all the time is not good for you.

• 21:40Speaker 02

  So you shouldn't be seeing.

• 21:41Speaker 00

  Wild ladies.

• 21:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:42Speaker 00

  This isn't even like a normal.

• 21:43Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, exactly what I'm saying. So, you know, I'm not like, I'm not coming from like a moral, like you're wrong if you do that. I'm just trying, I'm all about optimization, like what's optimal.

• 21:51Speaker 02

  Last time I tried it was a month. It started, it was in Edinburgh, started in Ireland. And it was one night, some old skank was like, I was like, nah. But then I was like, should have. Cause like three days later, I'm like, I'm not beating off, no porn, no nothing. And then like two weeks later, I was like, just open to meeting people. And he was like, wanna hang out? I was like, yes, I do. Let's hang out.

• 22:10Speaker 00

  Yes, I'd like to.

• 22:10Matt McCusker?

  I'd love to talk to you.

• 22:11Speaker 02

  Let's go out.

• 22:12Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 22:13Speaker 00

  So Ari.

• 22:14Matt McCusker?

  Talk to you.

• 22:14Speaker 00

  Ari, you've got the new special coming out. You were just in the Blockbuster Nosferatu. What else? What's next?

• 22:21Speaker 02

  Nosferatu sucks.

• 22:23Matt McCusker?

  You were Nosferatu?

• 22:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, he was Nosferatu.

• 22:25Speaker 00

  I was Nosferatu, yeah.

• 22:28Speaker 00

  What's next for Ari?

• 22:29Speaker 02

  Nosferatu.

• 22:32Matt McCusker?

  I thought that movie was about Africa when I heard the title of it.

• 22:35Speaker 02

  It's Ferrante.

• 22:35Speaker 00

  Guess.

• 22:36Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I thought it was like, I was like, oh, cool. Like, you know.

• 22:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:38Matt McCusker?

  I thought it was something like Lion, I swear to God, am I being silly? I thought it was a Lion King spinoff. I was like, see what Nosferatu? I thought it was like Mufasa's granddad.

• 22:44Speaker 02

  It was a lot about gay fucking.

• 22:46Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I'd be like, what the hell?

• 22:47Speaker 00

  It was gay sex, isn't it?

• 22:48Speaker 02

  It was a lot about gay, innuendo, gay fucking.

• 22:51Speaker 00

  Oh dang.

• 22:52Matt McCusker?

  In Nosferatu?

• 22:52Speaker 02

  Remember that Salt Lake City documentary about that guy who, who, who stole that kid and fucked her and then the parents like, hey, where's our kid?

• 22:59Speaker 00

  Yes, hilarious.

• 23:00Speaker 02

  And then he fucked the mom.

• 23:01Speaker 00

  Well, not that, you know what I mean?

• 23:02Speaker 02

  Yeah. And then later their dad was like, he brought me in the car and I don't want to.

• 23:06Matt McCusker?

  Jacked him off, dude. You told me about that, where he just like fucks the whole, he fucked the whole family to be fair.

• 23:10Speaker 00

  Entire family.

• 23:11Speaker 02

  Guy ruled.

• 23:11Speaker 00

  And then kidnapped the daughter or something. It was, was that the same one where he was like, I'm an alien?

• 23:15Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I think so.

• 23:16Speaker 00

  Put her in the back of an RV with like a walkie talkie. It was like, this is from outer space. You have to have sex.

• 23:22Matt McCusker?

  That is, Utah's a good place to run that.

• 23:24Speaker 00

  You could trick the.

• 23:25Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they're, they're pretty alien up, I think.

• 23:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:27Speaker 02

  But that's what Nosferatu is, pretty much. He's fucking everybody.

• 23:30Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 23:30Speaker 02

  Making them all jealous of each other.

• 23:31Speaker 00

  Horny fucking vampire?

• 23:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, and everywhere else was horny and then it was all about like love triangle and like.

• 23:37Matt McCusker?

  Here's, here's a question. If you were a vampire, immortal, unless obviously somebody put a stake through your heart.

• 23:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:42Matt McCusker?

  Would you have gay sex after like 700 years?

• 23:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's like prison.

• 23:47Matt McCusker?

  Right?

• 23:47Speaker 00

  You're like a.

• 23:48Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no, no. It's not like prison because in prison you only have the option of gay sex.

• 23:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, but you've, you know.

• 23:53Speaker 02

  You justified that quick, bro.

• 23:55Matt McCusker?

  It's prison.

• 23:56Speaker 00

  It's prison rules, those are prison rules.

• 23:58Matt McCusker?

  You're in a prison of.

• 23:58Speaker 00

  Of eternity.

• 23:59Speaker 02

  I think you get bored and you're like, none of this matters. There's no guy, I'm not going to heaven.

• 24:04Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 24:04Speaker 02

  That part's out.

• 24:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, but also you're a vampire. You're very gay.

• 24:07Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's the other thing too.

• 24:08Speaker 00

  You've got to dress gay.

• 24:09Matt McCusker?

  You have to at least be bi as a vampire.

• 24:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:12Matt McCusker?

  It is kind of weird for a vampire to be like, nah dude, I'm totally fucking straight.

• 24:16Speaker 00

  Dude, nowadays in the national title, I can't wait to see what they do.

• 24:23Matt McCusker?

  Just get a buzz at the tailgate.

• 24:27Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I wonder about that. If you were like that old, because if Nosferatu was really just fucking sticking it through the whole village, I wonder what you would do.

• 24:35Speaker 02

  You'd give it up.

• 24:36Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 24:37Speaker 02

  And then if you were like a villager, you'd be like, I want to fuck Nosferatu.

• 24:42Matt McCusker?

  That would be, what if you were Nosferatu, what if you're immortal and you're like, dude, I just want to die so bad. And then eventually you bottom out and you're like, you stick around for like 2,000 more years.

• 24:54Speaker 02

  Just get like a job.

• 24:55Matt McCusker?

  That'd be pretty tight.

• 24:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 24:57Speaker 00

  Does he, he just appears in people's rooms at night or something?

• 25:00Speaker 02

  No, they had to go find him.

• 25:02Speaker 00

  They find him and he fucks him?

• 25:03Speaker 02

  He appeared in this one chick's, spoiler alert, he cheered at this one chick's dreams and like fucked her when she probably was like 11 or something, but like adult back then, Romania adult. Probably 13 and then.

• 25:13Speaker 00

  In the movie?

• 25:14Speaker 02

  In the, yeah, and then like disappeared, but pretty much just subtext going, wait for me, I'll test you. She goes, I will. And then 30 years she's gone, she's like, well, I found another guy. And he was like, nah, that's not cool. And then calls for that other guy.

• 25:26Matt McCusker?

  And fucks the guy.

• 25:28Speaker 02

  Fucks and bleeds him.

• 25:29Matt McCusker?

  Oh, sick.

• 25:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:31Matt McCusker?

  Well, little fucky sucky.

• 25:32Speaker 02

  Little fucking suck.

• 25:36Speaker 02

  And then just so he can tell the ladies, like, oh, your husband, he's not.

• 25:39Matt McCusker?

  That would turn a chick on though. If you're like, yeah, I fucked that guy.

• 25:42Speaker 02

  I fucked your husband and killed him.

• 25:43Matt McCusker?

  I fucked your husband.

• 25:45Speaker 02

  Didn't kill him, sent him back as like a bitch, as like a punk. That's what they say in prison, right Nate?

• 25:51Matt McCusker?

  Did you see Nosferatu?

• 25:54Speaker 02

  Is that the term punk?

• 25:55Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's a punk.

• 25:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:56Matt McCusker?

  It's a punk.

• 25:57Speaker 02

  Nah, I ain't no punk, I'm a, you a new fool.

• 26:00Matt McCusker?

  Get a punk in jail. Did you ever, I watched a documentary about, it was like basically prison sex and they were saying how that's like a big status in jail. Yeah.

• 26:09Speaker 00

  Who you watching?

• 26:10Matt McCusker?

  My brother sent it to me. It was the funniest, it was all about getting boys. If you're in jail, if you had like five boys, it was like a sign of status. You just get like punks basically underneath you. You go like loan them out for money or like a lot of these dudes would fall in love with like their top punk.

• 26:24Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 26:24Speaker 00

  Jesus Christ.

• 26:25Matt McCusker?

  It was fucked dude. It was, there was one part, I don't want to ruin the vibe.

• 26:29Speaker 00

  You love it.

• 26:30Matt McCusker?

  I don't want to ruin the vibe, but like you're watching this guy and he's, he's just like, yeah, man, this is what I came here and I just, I'm just this guy's bitch and like we fell in love and they had this whole, then you find out it is, they, they go interview his father of the kid who's a punk in jail and they're like telling the dad what's going on. He's like, yeah, I just, man, I really just hope he gets out of there and straightens out his life. And then apparently what happened was the guy was on drugs and just like ran a kid over. So he's just like, yeah, I'm just gonna stay high and stay in jail forever and just be a punk. It's like, damn, that's so sad.

• 26:59Speaker 02

  He ran a kid over, felt bad about it, like the machinist?

• 27:01Matt McCusker?

  The what? He felt bad. He was, yeah.

• 27:03Speaker 02

  And so he's like, I'd rather be in there.

• 27:04Matt McCusker?

  He's like, as soon as I get sober, I like just think about my life and it's, it's literally that unbearable and I just have to be high. But it's fucked up. They went to his dad and like, yo, your son's like someone's boyfriend in fucking jail. And he's like,

• 27:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's.

• 27:14Matt McCusker?

  Ah, fuck. God, man, I just want him to straighten his life out. So sad.

• 27:20Speaker 02

  That's so sad. He's a cheap status, sir. It's true. He's doing well.

• 27:24Matt McCusker?

  He was kind of a top boy. He was a top boy though. He was like procuring other boys and shit.

• 27:28Speaker 02

  Oh, he's Jis Lane. Jis Lane, yeah.

• 27:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he was, he was. He was Jis Lane. That's what they call his butt.

• 27:35Speaker 02

  The Jis Lane. Nice. You know spr.org?

• 27:39Matt McCusker?

  What's that?

• 27:40Speaker 02

  It's a, it's supposed to be for like, understanding and stuff, but it's spr, stopprisonrape.org.

• 27:45Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 27:46Speaker 02

  And it was just like survivors tales and stuff. You're not supposed to laugh for months at a time at it, but yeah, it's like poems and stuff.

• 27:54Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 27:54Speaker 02

  There's a poem about the number seven, the seventh guy to gang rape him. And he goes, that's when I fell in love because he was nice.

• 27:58Matt McCusker?

  Oh, my God, dude.

• 27:59Speaker 02

  He whispered, this'll be over soon. He goes, oh, this guy cares. Holy shit.

• 28:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's really crazy, man. They get in there and they go full like girlfriend mode and it's like, and dudes are just like kind of pumped to be a girlfriend. Which.

• 28:14Speaker 02

  It sucks that that's what it is and it's not shot caller.

• 28:17Matt McCusker?

  What do you mean?

• 28:17Speaker 02

  You know what I mean? The movie Shot Caller, the guy like gets a DUI and becomes the head of the Nazis. That's what, that's everybody's dream. Every white man's dream is one day I'll get a DUI and become the head Nazi in a prison.

• 28:27Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, because you have to.

• 28:28Speaker 02

  But in reality, you're gonna get a DUI and just be a punk.

• 28:32Matt McCusker?

  You don't have to be a punk, that's the thing.

• 28:33Speaker 02

  You don't have to?

• 28:34Matt McCusker?

  No, you don't have to be a punk.

• 28:35Speaker 02

  What if you look like, what if you're good looking like me?

• 28:37Matt McCusker?

  If you're looking good. Yeah, if you're looking good, you better be able to fight.

• 28:40Speaker 02

  I'd be punked. No way. You think you, what's the nod? You? No, just definitely not you. Oh. You think guys would fuck you? I hope not. I hope not Shane. I'm not looking for it.

• 28:50Matt McCusker?

  But you said you'd be punked.

• 28:51Speaker 02

  You'd be a punk. I feel like I would. Of the three of us, no, you first. You're the cutest.

• 28:55Matt McCusker?

  I'd be punked.

• 28:56Speaker 02

  You're the most handsome. How would you avoid it?

• 28:57Matt McCusker?

  I would just go mad, I'd go white boy crazy. Yeah, I would just go absolutely white boy crazy.

• 29:01Speaker 02

  Oh, you'd be fucked in there. Like Klinger from MASH? You'd get fucked in there.

• 29:06Matt McCusker?

  I know. Well, you, you get the special diet though, you, you get a, that's like a special diet you can get in jail that's highly coveted.

• 29:12Speaker 02

  What?

• 29:12Matt McCusker?

  The Jewish meal plan.

• 29:13Speaker 02

  Oh, the kosher.

• 29:14Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you can do the kosher, you can do the Muslim. So you actually get a pretty coveted meal plan, so you might be able to...

• 29:20Speaker 02

  Trade that?

• 29:20Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 29:21Speaker 02

  Who wants to get filter fish for protection?

• 29:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, what does happen to the Jews in there?

• 29:28Matt McCusker?

  That you just...

• 29:29Speaker 02

  Do they have to join the Aryan Brotherhood? No, they don't want them, and the blacks don't want them.

• 29:32Matt McCusker?

  You're technically others, but I think a lot of Jews probably join up with white people and they usually have to kind of keep it like...

• 29:38Speaker 02

  I had a, remember those Amazing Races videos? So, a white power website founded, the white, whiterevolution.com, and so they loved it, but also they didn't love this. So, the headline was Jew Boys Got The Right Idea. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah.

• 29:55Matt McCusker?

  It's a nice, yeah, it's a nice title.

• 29:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:59Speaker 02

  Jew Man would have been nice, but...

• 30:00Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, sure, sure.

• 30:01Speaker 02

  It's like, come on, some respect.

• 30:02Matt McCusker?

  Didn't have to diminish you.

• 30:03Speaker 02

  Put some respect on our name.

• 30:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's, that's a cool, that's funny to like, wake up in the mornings, read like, the White Revolution.

• 30:11Speaker 02

  Wake up to that. Oh, nice, some publicity.

• 30:14Speaker 02

  Alright.

• 30:17Matt McCusker?

  Hail motherfucking...

• 30:18Speaker 02

  Storm, what's the Stormfront? Stormfront.

• 30:20Matt McCusker?

  What's Stormfront?

• 30:21Speaker 02

  Isn't that the, that's the white nationalist like...

• 30:23Matt McCusker?

  Is it really?

• 30:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:25Matt McCusker?

  That's their like, publication?

• 30:28Speaker 02

  I think so. This is, what else we got going on?

• 30:32Matt McCusker?

  Not that much, I did. I was just in fucking rapture last night. It was kind of nice.

• 30:35Speaker 00

  Sexual rapture?

• 30:36Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I, dude, I haven't felt like that, man. That was crazy.

• 30:38Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 30:39Matt McCusker?

  To have like a genuinely, like, I've never had a powerful, like, spiritually powerful.

• 30:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, dude. And then the pie.

• 30:46Matt McCusker?

  Almost.

• 30:47Speaker 00

  Almost pie?

• 30:48Matt McCusker?

  Near pie.

• 30:48Speaker 00

  Did you leave, put the last part in, just for like a little, you know, a little like leftover touch?

• 30:53Matt McCusker?

  No, no, no, no. You're talking about like, and then just kind of going back in?

• 30:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:57Matt McCusker?

  No. I would have. I was, dude, I was a rabid dog. I had full, I had full like Iguana eyes, just like.

• 31:05Speaker 00

  Ew, man.

• 31:06Matt McCusker?

  I, dude, I, I didn't realize, I didn't know what I was setting myself up into, man. You don't know really who you are until you've held it in like that. Then all of a sudden, you're just, it's, it was crazy. You know how conflicted I was?

• 31:17Speaker 00

  How, how long did you hold it in?

• 31:19Matt McCusker?

  Really only like 10 days.

• 31:22Speaker 00

  That's, that's a reasonable amount. That's a long time.

• 31:24Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It was, it was reasonable and it was, yeah, I was just, uh, taking some moka, so I've been waking up.

• 31:29Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, you've been getting.

• 31:31Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, moka root, dude. If you take.

• 31:32Speaker 00

  Performance enhancing.

• 31:33Matt McCusker?

  The what?

• 31:33Speaker 00

  You've been performance enhancing.

• 31:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, a little bit, a little bit. If you take moka root, it's, dude, it's crazy. You wake up just like steel beam.

• 31:41Speaker 00

  What? Give me something right now.

• 31:43Matt McCusker?

  We can go get it at the grocery store.

• 31:45Speaker 00

  I'll get hard right now. Let's get hard, Ari. Let's change the arc of this podcast.

• 31:48Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that'd be pretty tight.

• 31:49Speaker 00

  I, I don't know, yeah. I, I, I just, what's, these guys are battling, you're, you've got boners. You've got a special. I'm playing hell that loose.

• 32:00Speaker 00

  They got a new hat.

• 32:02Matt McCusker?

  Pretty much.

• 32:04Speaker 00

  But don't you think they should have ops?

• 32:06Matt McCusker?

  These guys? Yeah.

• 32:07Speaker 00

  I think there should be some conflict.

• 32:08Matt McCusker?

  What's ops? What's ops?

• 32:09Speaker 00

  Opposition. Opposition. They should be battling the other, their, their contemporaries. Yeah, why don't you just race the two pushups?

• 32:16Matt McCusker?

  It's gonna get rough out here if we do that. It'll be a bloodbath. There'll be no peace in the streets. We can't have that.

• 32:21Speaker 04

  That's the Gardini guarantee. That's my other new thing.

• 32:24Speaker 00

  The Gardini guarantee?

• 32:25Speaker 04

  Dealing out Gardini guarantees.

• 32:26Speaker 00

  What, like, what have you applied that to?

• 32:28Speaker 04

  Like, if there's, if we get ops, we're gonna have to kill them all.

• 32:32Speaker 00

  That's a Gardini guarantee.

• 32:33Speaker 04

  That's a Gardini guarantee, even though I'm Zandini. If they're trying to take me off the righteous path, I will have to resort to violence, but otherwise I am Zen. And that's the Gardini guarantee.

• 32:46Speaker 00

  Yeah. Who do you think you match up with in the squad, the Kill Tony squad versus you guys?

• 32:51Speaker 04

  Maybe like Aaron.

• 32:53Speaker 00

  It's gotta be. You're versus Bilal. Bilal's the man, dude. He might fuck you up.

• 32:57Speaker 04

  He's cool.

• 32:58Speaker 00

  He ain't gonna do shit to you.

• 32:59Speaker 04

  I think I could take.

• 33:00Speaker 00

  Ari Matty versus James McCann. We gotta, we gotta battle our foreigners.

• 33:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, the foreigners.

• 33:05Speaker 00

  Nate versus Hans Kim. Well, who's Cam Patterson got?

• 33:09Speaker 02

  Cam.

• 33:10Speaker 00

  I mean.

• 33:11Speaker 02

  I guess LeMaire.

• 33:12Speaker 04

  Yeah. Yeah, Cam. LeMaire's gonna have to take a couple because we're outnumbered.

• 33:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, finish off Bilal fast.

• 33:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 33:18Speaker 00

  And then go help somebody else.

• 33:19Speaker 04

  And there's in the four other ones too.

• 33:22Speaker 00

  I mean, LeMaire's getting winded fast.

• 33:25Speaker 04

  No, he's the juggernaut.

• 33:28Speaker 04

  He could probably, he could take out like four of them.

• 33:31Speaker 00

  Just run at them with his hands out?

• 33:32Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's the Gardini guarantee.

• 33:35Speaker 00

  It's a good guarantee.

• 33:36Speaker 02

  That's what I'm talking about.

• 33:37Speaker 00

  That's what I'm talking about.

• 33:39Speaker 04

  What the hell? I did have a, I had a subject to talk about.

• 33:41Speaker 00

  I was hoping you had a subject.

• 33:42Speaker 04

  I had kinda had a subject.

• 33:43Speaker 00

  All I got is hell that loose.

• 33:44Speaker 02

  You're subject master.

• 33:45Speaker 04

  I, yeah, well, I did want to talk to you about the Penn State coach. What the hell? What was that about?

• 33:50Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 33:51Speaker 04

  Did he say something about the guy's hairline or something?

• 33:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, he was, he was hitting him with like.

• 33:55Speaker 02

  You're not in a conference.

• 33:55Speaker 00

  You're a young guy. He's like, I'm an old guy. I've been around. What you've done is pretty impressive so far. Good job, son.

• 34:01Speaker 04

  Did he just beat him?

• 34:02Speaker 00

  Fuck off. And then he beat him.

• 34:03Speaker 04

  What was he negative though? Like what was he, what was he saying about the coach? The coach has a straight.

• 34:07Speaker 00

  He was just saying, oh, I wish I had hair like that. He's like, how old are you, man? God damn, so nice. You're so young.

• 34:13Speaker 04

  That's pretty funny.

• 34:14Speaker 00

  Just kinda like.

• 34:14Speaker 04

  Kind of a nice psych out.

• 34:15Speaker 00

  I think he might have been trying to get in his head.

• 34:17Speaker 02

  That's a nice psych out.

• 34:18Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's kind of nice.

• 34:19Speaker 02

  Because you know he feels that I don't belong, I don't belong. I lost to Northern Illinois University.

• 34:24Speaker 00

  Matt, have we discussed that clip?

• 34:26Speaker 04

  What?

• 34:27Speaker 00

  You called it.

• 34:28Speaker 04

  What?

• 34:28Speaker 00

  When Notre Dame lost to Northern Illinois.

• 34:30Speaker 04

  Yeah, they're gonna fucking come back together.

• 34:31Speaker 00

  Fucking shit's over.

• 34:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, you called me a girl.

• 34:34Speaker 00

  Gotta burn it down. I said, this is a girlfriend opinion, but I also did say, I agree with it.

• 34:37Speaker 04

  Yeah, true, true.

• 34:38Speaker 00

  I was like, right now you're giving me a girlfriend? Because after the loss, I was like, this is like a season, this is like a five year loss. This is gonna cost us.

• 34:46Speaker 02

  It's not just you lost to Clemson.

• 34:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, I thought it was like, program's fucked for five years.

• 34:50Speaker 02

  If not for the 12th team playoff.

• 34:52Speaker 00

  And then Matt was like.

• 34:53Speaker 04

  It's a galvanizing moment.

• 34:54Speaker 00

  Matt was like, or they could come together in a.

• 34:57Matt McCusker?

  In unity with this lope, this shared depression. And rise out of it and go undefeated.

• 35:03Speaker 02

  That's what he said.

• 35:04Matt McCusker?

  And I was like, Matt, I love you, but that's a girlfriend opinion. And then I said, also, deep down inside, yes, I 100% believe that that is what is going to happen.

• 35:13Speaker 02

  You see him at the press conference after at Penn State, he was saying that about.

• 35:16Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah.

• 35:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, whatever.

• 35:17Matt McCusker?

  He's literally exactly what Matt said.

• 35:19Speaker 02

  They fought, they came together. And then he panned over to them, to like the stars. And he goes, like, I'll take an answer to this one. And it's just two children.

• 35:27Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah. Yeah, we did our best.

• 35:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 35:32Speaker 02

  That's Riley, that's the quarterback.

• 35:33Matt McCusker?

  It's so funny.

• 35:34Speaker 02

  Christian boy.

• 35:35Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 35:35Speaker 02

  A young boy, just having fun for the Lord.

• 35:39Matt McCusker?

  That's awesome. That's why they're winning, obviously.

• 35:41Speaker 02

  They're not masturbating, they're not watching porn, they're not having sex.

• 35:44Matt McCusker?

  I don't think they are.

• 35:45Speaker 02

  I don't want to comment on the boy's jacket off.

• 35:48Matt McCusker?

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• 36:16Speaker 02

  No.

• 36:17Matt McCusker?

  A thousand, dude.

• 36:18Speaker 02

  This is crazy.

• 36:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, what's 1,000 millions, how much is that? That's a billion, bro. That's all you needed to get the bill. Thousand millions, think about that. Run your game all season long on PrizePix. It's playoff time and it's now or never. Don't miss out on the last few weeks of football action with PrizePix. The best place to win cash while watching the playoffs. PrizePix now offers MasterCard for quick and easy deposits into your account this season.

• 36:44Speaker 02

  I love a quick and easy deposit.

• 36:48Matt McCusker?

  My account was declined last night. Sign up today.

• 36:53Speaker 00

  Play a little too much PrizePicks.

• 36:56Matt McCusker?

  Sign up today and get $50 instantly when you play $5. You don't even need to win to receive the $50 bonus. It's guaranteed.

• 37:03Speaker 00

  What?

• 37:04Matt McCusker?

  PrizePicks also offers weekly promotions that can lead to big payouts like Taco Tuesday. Get this.

• 37:10Speaker 00

  This is the first I'm hearing about this.

• 37:11Matt McCusker?

  Well, each Tuesday, PrizePicks Discount's select player projections up to 25% provide even more value for your lineups. Think Lamar Jackson will get more than 250 passing yards next week?

• 37:22Speaker 00

  Hmm, no.

• 37:23Matt McCusker?

  Will Patrick Mahomes pass more than 1.5 TDs?

• 37:27Speaker 00

  Uh, yeah.

• 37:28Matt McCusker?

  Well, cook up hot takes with your friends and win real money this football season when you and your crew run your game on PrizePicks.

• 37:34Speaker 00

  All I want is for my crew to run our fucking game.

• 37:36Matt McCusker?

  Dude, that's all I want, man. Just run our fucking game of real sports action.

• 37:40Speaker 00

  This is crazy.

• 37:41Matt McCusker?

  Fantasy sports action. Let me tell you about this. Download the PrizePicks app today and use code DRENCH to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code DRENCH on the PrizePicks app to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. PrizePicks, run your game.

• 37:58Speaker 00

  Run your game.

• 38:00Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah.

• 38:02Speaker 00

  Plug us up.

• 38:03Matt McCusker?

  Rip it, bro.

• 38:04Speaker 00

  Hurry up. And don't be weird and bashful. Talk like a man.

• 38:06Matt McCusker?

  Hello, everybody.

• 38:07Speaker 00

  Get in front of the fucking camera and talk.

• 38:08Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, get up there.

• 38:12Speaker 04

  Hello, everybody. I'll be in, uh, I'll be in St. Petersburg, Florida on February 13th and 14th at Coastal Creative in Las Vegas. At Wise Guys Comedy Club at February 28th and March 1st. Please come to that if you can. SeanGardini.com. It'll be a good show and that's the Gardini guarantee.

• 38:34Speaker 00

  Sean, it's too long.

• 38:35Speaker 04

  Yeah. And Optimum Noctis, first Tuesday of every month at Creek in the Cave with me, Nathan Marshall.

• 38:41Speaker 00

  And Lemely.

• 38:43Matt McCusker?

  Guys, I'll be at the Funny Bone Liberty Township, Ohio, uh, January 24th. Dania Beach, Florida, February 6th. Uh, Columbus, Ohio, Royal Oaks, Michigan, Omaha, Nebraska. Please just go to MattMcCusker.com for tickets. Thank you very much.

• 38:58Speaker 00

  Uh, March 20th, I'll be in Manchester in the UK. I was supposed to only do Dublin and London, but my greedy agents wanted me also to do another show. So I'm doing an arena in Manchester on a Thursday. Please come.

• 39:18Speaker 02

  It's gonna be awesome. It is gonna be fun.

• 39:21Matt McCusker?

  But no, I'm trying to think, uh.

• 39:22Speaker 02

  Matt, what's going on, dude? Fired up. You got anything weird? What are you reading? I know you're reading something.

• 39:28Matt McCusker?

  Right now, I'm doing a lot of research right now.

• 39:30Speaker 02

  What are you researching?

• 39:31Matt McCusker?

  I've been reading a lot about, I've been reading arguments for tradition. I just stumbled upon this book. It's called The Sword of Gnosis. And they just like.

• 39:38Speaker 00

  Trad husband?

• 39:39Matt McCusker?

  Mm-hmm.

• 39:40Speaker 00

  Trad husband?

• 39:40Matt McCusker?

  Not trad husband. I mean, I'm sure they'd be down for trad husbands. I'm just reading a academic book about like guys slamming Vatican II. And I think Mel Gibson was just fucking slamming Vatican II.

• 39:50Speaker 00

  Oh, really?

• 39:50Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they're just talking about how it was like such a gigantic mistake for the priest to face the congregation.

• 39:56Speaker 02

  Zou, Brenna Zee's mom and dad told me that. Cause they had Vatican III, they were like, people were upset. And they're like, we remember our parents. Going, that's not Christianity. You don't face us. That's crazy.

• 40:05Speaker 00

  Was Vatican II in like the 30s? Or when was that?

• 40:08Matt McCusker?

  I thought it was in the 50s or 60s. 50s or 60s, I thought.

• 40:10Speaker 00

  Oh, okay.

• 40:11Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they just one day turn around. Everyone's like, what the fuck?

• 40:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, alright.

• 40:14Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 40:14Speaker 00

  And the priest went.

• 40:16Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he went, I like you.

• 40:17Speaker 00

  God, I didn't know what was going on in here.

• 40:20Matt McCusker?

  I know it's popping in here.

• 40:23Speaker 02

  That was the big come up of Vatican II was just turn around. That was the big.

• 40:27Matt McCusker?

  And it was Latin?

• 40:28Speaker 00

  It was Latin mass, yeah.

• 40:29Speaker 02

  Change from Latin to English?

• 40:31Matt McCusker?

  The idea was you were watching a guy, the altar was supposed to be God. So you're watching a guy commune with God in real time in Latin. Then they just like switched it and made it person focused where they're like, bro, you've lost the plot.

• 40:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:44Matt McCusker?

  Should be about God. Now you're just fucking giving some lukewarm fucking speech to these dumbasses.

• 40:49Speaker 00

  Giving a pep talk once a week.

• 40:50Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they do give a pep.

• 40:51Speaker 00

  It should be nice.

• 40:52Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 40:53Speaker 00

  Oh, I never thought of it that way.

• 40:54Matt McCusker?

  When's the last time you heard the homily?

• 40:56Speaker 00

  Uh, it's been a while.

• 40:58Matt McCusker?

  They're not great, dude. They're not great.

• 41:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:01Matt McCusker?

  I wanna start ghostwriting.

• 41:02Speaker 00

  I wanna get a good homily.

• 41:03Speaker 02

  It's a homily, give me one.

• 41:04Matt McCusker?

  I'm open for.

• 41:05Speaker 00

  The homily is just when the priest reads something and then he breaks it down.

• 41:08Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he reads the Bible.

• 41:10Speaker 00

  This is basically the message for this week.

• 41:11Speaker 02

  It's our Torah.

• 41:12Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he reads the good part of the Bible and then he, uh.

• 41:15Speaker 00

  The important part of the Bible.

• 41:17Matt McCusker?

  And then it'll be like, you know.

• 41:19Speaker 02

  I think this is what you should take from that.

• 41:21Speaker 00

  Your part. We're talking about your part.

• 41:23Speaker 02

  Oh, the non-gibberish part?

• 41:24Speaker 00

  The gibberish part.

• 41:25Speaker 02

  Uh, why am I the gibberish?

• 41:26Speaker 00

  No, we like the New Testament.

• 41:27Matt McCusker?

  New Testament's way more streamlined.

• 41:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, streamlined, yeah.

• 41:31Matt McCusker?

  The Old Testament's crazy. I like.

• 41:32Speaker 02

  Don't you have like six guys saying the same shit in different words?

• 41:35Speaker 00

  No.

• 41:35Speaker 02

  Mark and Tony and Bobby and whatever?

• 41:38Speaker 00

  Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, dude, don't fucking disrespect the boys.

• 41:43Speaker 00

  I don't even know what the fucking Torah, what do you guys do?

• 41:46Speaker 02

  What do you, what do we do?

• 41:47Speaker 00

  I don't even know what you guys do.

• 41:48Speaker 02

  Pray?

• 41:49Matt McCusker?

  Just Star Wars.

• 41:50Speaker 02

  It's the same thing.

• 41:51Matt McCusker?

  It's like Jewish Star Wars.

• 41:52Speaker 00

  Isn't it?

• 41:54Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, just like them like battles and fucking deserts and shit.

• 41:57Speaker 02

  It's like the past this week, they were battling in desert. What is, what, what can we learn from that? It's that, hey, if you have sand up your ass, maybe you should also wipe or whatever. Whatever the message is.

• 42:07Matt McCusker?

  It is kind of sick though, to be like, this is just our story. Meet every Sunday, like, remember we got that big ass fucking fight with the Egyptians? That was so fucking sick.

• 42:15Speaker 00

  Honestly, that's what me and my friends do. Go to a bar once a week and go, dude, senior year, we could have beat Lancaster Catholic. That battle with Lancaster Catholics.

• 42:27Speaker 00

  Huh? What else is going on?

• 42:28Speaker 02

  That's pretty much all we do too.

• 42:29Matt McCusker?

  That was pretty much it. I've been reading that. I told you about my, I told you about the Chesterton book. You didn't seem to like Chesterton last week.

• 42:34Speaker 00

  I did not like it.

• 42:36Matt McCusker?

  You came around.

• 42:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:37Matt McCusker?

  Came around, but yeah.

• 42:38Speaker 00

  I don't like silly guys. Silly men.

• 42:41Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he is pretty silly, but I, I think it was needed. He was like a British gentleman.

• 42:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, the time period was.

• 42:47Matt McCusker?

  It was good to hit them with a little silliness. Yeah, call for some silly man.

• 42:49Speaker 00

  You're a silly man.

• 42:50Speaker 02

  You need a good fop.

• 42:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:51Speaker 02

  Somebody with like tassels here, frills. Just does stuff right. Yeah, I'm a silly man.

• 42:57Matt McCusker?

  Dude, the half, the half face shaved, that was fucking silly as hell.

• 43:00Speaker 00

  That was silly man. I ruled.

• 43:02Matt McCusker?

  That was, that was disorienting me. I would see clips and I would get like, like, what the fuck's going on? It like did something to my brain.

• 43:09Speaker 00

  It made no sense.

• 43:10Matt McCusker?

  It did.

• 43:11Speaker 00

  It just wasn't right socially.

• 43:12Matt McCusker?

  It was not right.

• 43:14Speaker 00

  Pissed off a lot of people, angry people pissed off, nice people it made happy.

• 43:19Speaker 00

  But it was tough to talk to you.

• 43:20Speaker 02

  If I, as long as I could talk sideways to you, the best at the cellar, we'd all be talking and someone would be over there. And it'd be like five minutes of Matty Weiner like, and then you're like this, what the fuck, man? What?

• 43:32Speaker 00

  No, I was just, we're, I've been trying to have like a real conversation with you. And I'm just gonna have like, yeah, you're just being silly.

• 43:37Matt McCusker?

  It was disorienting, it was. Oh dude, speaking of having cool people be happy and, you know, not cool people be mean, I did the, uh, Slutty Garfield thing on Patreon.

• 43:46Speaker 00

  How did that go? A lot of angry people got mad?

• 43:48Matt McCusker?

  A lot of angry customers, dude.

• 43:51Speaker 00

  Wait, they didn't like Slutty Garfield on Patreon?

• 43:53Matt McCusker?

  Some people didn't, which made me laugh more, honestly.

• 43:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, it's very funny to get angry.

• 43:57Matt McCusker?

  So it was a, it was a mystery, a secret artist just like sent me this thing. He's like, I made it. I don't know what to do with it. Just like, and I was like, dude, please let me put this on my Patreon. It's about Garfield. It's about Garfield becoming a street walking prostitute, street walking trans prostitute. And then John's just trying to find him and save him or save Garfield from the underworld. Save her. Miss Lasagna.

• 44:21Speaker 02

  What's Odie doing?

• 44:22Speaker 00

  His name was.

• 44:22Matt McCusker?

  Odie's in the mix as well. Odie's a street dog.

• 44:25Speaker 02

  A mix of Lasagna. Miss Lasagna.

• 44:27Speaker 00

  What is Odie doing?

• 44:28Matt McCusker?

  Odie's a bit of, Odie's in the underworld.

• 44:30Speaker 02

  Oh, really?

• 44:31Speaker 00

  Selling drugs or what?

• 44:33Matt McCusker?

  I can't spoil. I've seen a lot of the stories arc. It's so fu- it's just funny.

• 44:36Speaker 00

  You can spoil it.

• 44:37Matt McCusker?

  I can't spoil it, dude. It's so funny. It's so funny to one day, I, all I kept thinking about is a guy waking up and just being like, oh, sweet. What the fuck? Garfield.

• 44:48Speaker 00

  Oh, new match in content.

• 44:49Matt McCusker?

  Guys trying to fuck Garfield.

• 44:52Speaker 00

  It is funny. You're exactly right. You're exactly right on this.

• 44:56Speaker 02

  John's gotta find him in a room like Taken when he finds his daughter.

• 44:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, this is good stuff.

• 45:01Matt McCusker?

  And just to have people be like, yo, for real, dude, this isn't it, all right?

• 45:06Speaker 00

  Fuck you.

• 45:09Matt McCusker?

  It's so fucking funny. It keeps like, I just got, I talked to the dude who did it. He's like, I'm gonna fire up three more right away.

• 45:16Speaker 00

  Fire more.

• 45:17Speaker 02

  Nice, nice.

• 45:18Speaker 00

  He should just keep making them the exact same story, just with different cartoon characters.

• 45:23Speaker 02

  Okay, sweet. Heathcliff, we gotta go Heathcliff when they meet.

• 45:26Matt McCusker?

  Well, it's actually really well done. Like, it's like, it just looks like a professional.

• 45:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, you showed me the drawings. They're very good.

• 45:32Matt McCusker?

  It's unbelievable how like good it is. And then it's just about Garfield selling pussy, selling pussy. And John being like sexually bothered on the streets as he tries to get to, find out what's happening. It's so funny. It's just people trying to force John to do gay stuff.

• 45:49Speaker 02

  To find his, find his lost cat.

• 45:51Matt McCusker?

  Find his lost cat. Every time he brings it up, people are like, I fucked that bitch last week.

• 45:59Matt McCusker?

  She sucked my dick down off Colfax.

• 46:00Speaker 00

  What mutant made this? Who's doing this?

• 46:04Matt McCusker?

  I can't reveal his identity.

• 46:06Speaker 00

  Oh, he's got a hidden identity?

• 46:07Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he's a secret artist. He might be, I, I just, our paths just crossed. And he honestly, the dude makes me laugh so fucking, I talk to him all the time. He's so funny. Shout out the secret artist. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Dude, real quick, gotta tell you guys about this.

• 46:25Speaker 00

  I like this.

• 46:25Matt McCusker?

  I like that too. AG1, the healthy stuff I've been drinking recently. Still, just one scoop, once a day. Vitamins, minerals, probiotics. All this stuff my actual diet doesn't provide. Mixes great, doesn't taste like a fistfight. Packaged, travel easily if you're on the road doing shows or just too lazy to measure anything out, which dude, come on. They also recently came out with AG1 Pro, the same foundation, but with creatine in one simple delicious drink. So if you're someone who trains a lot or wants to get more impact out of your stack, this one might be worth checking out. So hurry up and go to drinkag1.com/secretpod and for a limited time only, get a free immune support bundle,

• 47:10Matt McCusker?

  including omega-3 fish oil and vitamin D3 plus K2 with your first subscription to AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro. That's drinkag1.com/secretpod. This episode is brought to you by Viori.

• 47:22Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 47:23Matt McCusker?

  I've been wearing the Sunday Performance Joggers and I'll be honest, I didn't expect to have opinions about joggers, but I do.

• 47:29Speaker 00

  Oh, I know you do.

• 47:29Matt McCusker?

  Well, they're soft, lightweight and have four-way stretch so they can move with you with no restriction. They're technically workout clothes, so you can train in them, but they don't look like workout clothes. You can wear them out and people will think you've got your life together. Honestly, they're comfier than whatever you're wearing right now, unless you're already wearing Viori, in which case, respect.

• 47:53Speaker 00

  And with the holidays coming up, Viori makes gift giving easy. I was close to that. Whether it's the Sunday collection or the Strato collection, their bestsellers are go-to gifts for everyone on your list, including yourself. Get 20% off your first purchase at viori.com/secret and discover the versatility of Viori clothing. Exclusions apply. Visit the website for full terms and conditions.

• 48:15Matt McCusker?

  I might do, I might do like a drug zing style interview, where I interview him and it's just his face is blurry. He's like.

• 48:20Speaker 00

  I just thought it was gonna be funny. Garfield, trans, you gotta fuck a lot.

• 48:25Matt McCusker?

  Trans Garfield.

• 48:28Speaker 00

  A little violence.

• 48:30Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's been my whole weekend. Oh dude, so I, I went to ATL, the helium ATL. It's actually is in Alpharetta. It's 45 minutes, or it's like about 38 minutes outside of Atlanta. It's nice though.

• 48:41Speaker 00

  That's where you get the honkies.

• 48:43Matt McCusker?

  Oh yeah.

• 48:43Speaker 00

  You wanna sell some tickets?

• 48:44Matt McCusker?

  There was a lot of honkies.

• 48:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, had 45 minutes outside of Atlanta in any direction.

• 48:48Matt McCusker?

  I did get to spend a little bit of time in Atlanta and I thought I would have seen more gay black guys.

• 48:52Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 48:53Matt McCusker?

  Cause I think that is the Mecca and I'm being like honest, I was ready to be like, alright, let's go. I wanna see like, you know. You know like the Mormons when you're in Utah, you're like, let me.

• 49:01Speaker 02

  Natural habitat.

• 49:02Matt McCusker?

  Exactly. So I'm like, let's go. I just, I thought I was just gonna get, you know, some gay black attitude, just a little treat.

• 49:09Speaker 00

  Gay black attitude would be a nice treat.

• 49:10Matt McCusker?

  Just a little treat.

• 49:11Speaker 00

  Just a little sass.

• 49:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:12Matt McCusker?

  Exactly.

• 49:13Speaker 02

  Aggressive sass.

• 49:13Matt McCusker?

  A little spice. But I, dude, I go down there, so they send me out to fucking cracker ass Alpharetta. So I didn't see any gay black guys, so I was kinda like.

• 49:21Speaker 00

  Fuck, yeah, you didn't get to see any then.

• 49:22Matt McCusker?

  I know.

• 49:23Speaker 00

  Cause I was gonna say, if you were in Atlanta, you'd see them.

• 49:25Matt McCusker?

  I know.

• 49:26Speaker 00

  And they will sass you.

• 49:27Matt McCusker?

  I know. Thank God I had my black wife with me, just for some reserved sass, but.

• 49:31Speaker 00

  Atlanta is, it's very nice. It's pretty nice.

• 49:33Matt McCusker?

  I do like that. But yeah dude, I go down there, you know, I was joking about always assuming my wife is faking it when she has any ailment. I just assume, I'm like, if she has any ailment, there's, for some reason, there's part of my brain that's like, yeah, right.

• 49:45Speaker 00

  Sure you do.

• 49:46Matt McCusker?

  Sure, literally. So then we're down, we get there, first night we're there, she's like, she's been saying it for two days, she's like, I don't really feel that well. And I'm like, dude, it's just the fucking whatever.

• 49:55Speaker 00

  It's just because you're on a trip with me.

• 49:59Speaker 00

  And you're ruining it. It's because I have to work this weekend.

• 50:03Matt McCusker?

  I had the kids, everything. So I'm sitting there and all of a sudden, I'm like, she's like, I'm coughing, I don't feel well. And I'm like, dude, you need, I always tell her, you just need to drink some water, dude.

• 50:11Speaker 00

  Drink some water.

• 50:12Matt McCusker?

  Drink some fucking water.

• 50:13Speaker 02

  Walk it off.

• 50:13Matt McCusker?

  Dude, she hits me, I Uber or whatever, Door dashed a thermometer. She's like 102 or 103. I was like, shit.

• 50:21Speaker 02

  106 in Park.

• 50:23Matt McCusker?

  She was 102.

• 50:23Speaker 00

  That's when a black person has a fever.

• 50:27Speaker 00

  I have a fever of one hundred and six in park.

• 50:29Matt McCusker?

  One hundred and six in park is dangerous. That'd be so dangerous. But dude, she had a fucking, she had the flu.

• 50:34Speaker 00

  Does she ever hit you back with, you need to drink water?

• 50:38Matt McCusker?

  Yes.

• 50:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm in that deadlock right now. Every day. It's like, have you drank enough water? It's like, all I do is drink water.

• 50:43Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 50:44Speaker 00

  I chug water. Don't talk to me about drinking water.

• 50:46Matt McCusker?

  I'm, I'm more so pushing the water agenda, but she has hit me with it. Like, you haven't drank a lot of water. I'm like, yes, I have. Fucking water cooler in my office. You don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

• 50:54Speaker 00

  Fuck are you? You don't watch. It is offensive when someone's like, you drinking any water?

• 50:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's like.

• 50:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, of course I do.

• 50:59Matt McCusker?

  What do I smell? Like, what the fuck are you saying?

• 51:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:02Matt McCusker?

  I know about, I gotta stop dogging on her on her water intake, but it's, dude, it's crazy.

• 51:06Speaker 00

  Nah, get in there.

• 51:06Matt McCusker?

  I was peeping, dude, she had a fever and I'm like, I gave her this big water bottle. I came in the next day and I was like, dude.

• 51:12Speaker 00

  They don't drink water. They're cats. They're literally cats.

• 51:15Matt McCusker?

  That was her fucking, that was like her hamster bottle. And I'm like peeping the level. I'm like, dude, it went down that much.

• 51:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, you had a sip of water.

• 51:21Matt McCusker?

  I'm like, drink some fucking water. I'm sorry. I'm like, so then dude.

• 51:24Speaker 00

  My sister, she has to put those fucking like,

• 51:26Matt McCusker?

  Flavors?

• 51:26Speaker 00

  Flavor packs in. It's like, just drink the fucking water.

• 51:28Matt McCusker?

  Drink the fucking water.

• 51:29Speaker 00

  And everything has to be soda. They won't do it.

• 51:31Matt McCusker?

  It's crazy, bro.

• 51:32Speaker 00

  I get plenty of water in my soda and beer and coffee.

• 51:35Speaker 00

  They ever hit you with the, every woman hits you with the fucking, I didn't get a good night's sleep.

• 51:39Matt McCusker?

  Mm-hmm.

• 51:40Speaker 00

  It's like, I was with you. I saw you.

• 51:42Matt McCusker?

  Oh, dude.

• 51:43Speaker 00

  You slept for fourteen hours.

• 51:43Matt McCusker?

  I, I have actually. I have that. I have data on that. They don't get good sleep.

• 51:47Speaker 00

  Why?

• 51:48Matt McCusker?

  I know, yeah. So when I got the Oura ring, I, I, I don't have it right now, but I was wearing this Oura ring. It was like tracking my sleep, all this stuff. Finally talked my wife into getting one. We went to bed at the exact same time. We both wore them. I woke up, it was like eight hours sleep. I woke up, I'm like, dude, I'm like, my readiness score is ninety-three. This is awesome. What's yours? Fucking fifty-five.

• 52:05Speaker 00

  You're tossing turn.

• 52:07Matt McCusker?

  She, when they get their periods, their body temperature rises. And I was peeping her readiness score and it was like, dude, it was, fifty-five would be like if I had like five beers and stayed up till three in the morning. And we, we got eight hours. Was asleep.

• 52:19Speaker 00

  It's taking it east.

• 52:21Speaker 02

  That's fucking, that's ninety five readiness for me.

• 52:25Speaker 02

  God damn, I was good.

• 52:26Matt McCusker?

  Ready to seize the day. Yeah, and I woke up next to her and I was like, what the fuck happened? She's like, I told you, I don't feel well when I'm on period. I told you, I'm not sleeping. Damn dude, you're fucked.

• 52:35Speaker 00

  Think of those floppy tits hanging everywhere too.

• 52:38Speaker 02

  Wow, you roll up like, I can't sleep on this.

• 52:40Speaker 00

  This fucking sucks to be a chick.

• 52:43Matt McCusker?

  It dude.

• 52:43Speaker 02

  It does suck to be a chick.

• 52:44Matt McCusker?

  Bro, I didn't know. It's, it's like a whole week leading up to it.

• 52:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, you get the flu every week.

• 52:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, but dude, so she had her fucking.

• 52:50Speaker 00

  Every month, part of it.

• 52:51Matt McCusker?

  She rode off a week of period into flu.

• 52:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:55Matt McCusker?

  So it was period to flu. Then I'm doing shows, so like Thursday, I, we get the diagnosis. I'm like, damn, you're fucked.

• 53:01Speaker 00

  They hate show weekends anyway.

• 53:03Matt McCusker?

  Hey, true.

• 53:03Speaker 00

  They hate show.

• 53:04Matt McCusker?

  I think her body just rejected it, dude.

• 53:05Speaker 00

  Their bodies reject shows.

• 53:09Speaker 00

  Did you, every single lady rejects the show.

• 53:11Speaker 02

  Why do I do, why do I gotta do the thing I love doing and I do for money? And you knew was coming on the schedule for three months straight? You knew it was coming? Why do I do it?

• 53:21Matt McCusker?

  Go out, I mean, oh, why are you doing it?

• 53:24Speaker 02

  And then the no show weekends, like, what do you want to do?

• 53:26Speaker 00

  Let's just watch, let's just watch some shows.

• 53:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:28Speaker 00

  Get that.

• 53:29Matt McCusker?

  Let's watch.

• 53:29Speaker 02

  You needed me home for that?

• 53:31Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 53:33Matt McCusker?

  Well, dude, I was nervous. I'm, I'm, what I'm, what I'm trying to tell you right now is that I had all weekend, I'm not trying to say like I'm a hero or whatever, but it was babe had a fever. Yeah, I had to do all the stuff during the day for the most part. Obviously we do, we brought a babysitter with us, so I did, I did a little bit, but.

• 53:48Speaker 02

  It was a rogue.

• 53:49Matt McCusker?

  But I had to make breakfast, dude. So I, dude, I was like getting up and it was like, I would lay next, it was crazy because I was laying next to her all night. And it's like, you know, if you get, if I get the flu, I was like, fuck.

• 53:59Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 54:00Matt McCusker?

  So it would just be like coughing and I just laid there just being like, we'll see what fucking happens. Powered through the whole weekend. It was pretty, it was a lot, dude. And then they fucking canceled two shows over the snow. It snowed an inch and a half in Georgia, which to be fair, at first I was kind of salty because I was just like, dude, this is not that bad, but they didn't really ice, they didn't salt the roads and it's, it's like. You're releasing, I think it was like 350 of the clubs, you'd be releasing like, let's say at least 500 drunk drivers that night.

• 54:31Matt McCusker?

  I was kinda like, yeah, that's, that's fair. But when people were like, oh, McCusker fucking canceled, caused a little snow, I was like, fuck that, I don't care, dude. I don't care what people say.

• 54:41Speaker 00

  How long did that take?

• 54:42Matt McCusker?

  30 seconds. I grabbed my phone, I was like, for the record, the club canceled. I felt like such a dumbass, I was like, damn it, I showed my hand. There was instantly people like, fuck you, fair weather, McCusker.

• 54:52Speaker 00

  Oh, I got a good one.

• 54:54Matt McCusker?

  They got me.

• 54:55Speaker 00

  I did San Antonio and Dallas, and I like to come out to Dire Straits, money for nothing.

• 55:01Matt McCusker?

  Nice.

• 55:01Speaker 00

  Usually hits. When it doesn't hit, I felt like a real turd.

• 55:07Speaker 00

  I was expecting a very ruckus applause.

• 55:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 55:10Speaker 00

  Kind of mediocre. I just walked out, I was like, hey, guys. That was pretty intense, huh?

• 55:16Speaker 02

  Who was that guitarist, Shane?

• 55:18Matt McCusker?

  Dun, dun, na na na. That's pretty sick.

• 55:20Speaker 00

  It's nice.

• 55:21Speaker 02

  That guy is one of the ugliest rock stars in the world.

• 55:23Speaker 00

  I've never seen him.

• 55:24Speaker 02

  He just hit before MTV.

• 55:26Speaker 00

  The lead singer of Dire Straits?

• 55:28Speaker 02

  The guy from Genesis. They're both like, couldn't have existed once MTV came around.

• 55:32Matt McCusker?

  Who from, who from Genesis?

• 55:33Speaker 02

  The main guy, not the one who left, the one who stayed.

• 55:35Matt McCusker?

  Oh, um, yeah, it wasn't, what'd you call it? Collins?

• 55:40Speaker 02

  Kind of, yeah, Phil Collins.

• 55:41Matt McCusker?

  You think Phil Collins is ugly?

• 55:42Speaker 02

  He was in an interview once, he goes, I could never make it now.

• 55:45Matt McCusker?

  I'm so ugly?

• 55:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:49Speaker 00

  I'm musically gifted, I don't know how to comb my hair. Dire Straits is some ugly ass. Ugly, bro.

• 56:00Speaker 00

  Oh, wow.

• 56:01Matt McCusker?

  Well.

• 56:02Speaker 00

  Let me see. I know, they're not the worst crew.

• 56:04Matt McCusker?

  No, I can see why.

• 56:05Speaker 00

  That guy sucks, that guy sucks.

• 56:07Matt McCusker?

  I can see why someone in school called him that.

• 56:13Speaker 00

  What's his name, Dee Snider was the brother. He was an ugly ass bull.

• 56:17Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 56:18Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Ugly rock star is a sick life.

• 56:20Speaker 02

  Cause also love making up for lost time.

• 56:22Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 56:22Speaker 02

  This is what I should have done in high school.

• 56:24Matt McCusker?

  True, yeah.

• 56:24Speaker 02

  And then some.

• 56:26Speaker 00

  Twisted Sister looks like fucking Ian Faidance.

• 56:29Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 56:29Speaker 00

  It kind of, it's giving me Ian Faidance vibes.

• 56:31Matt McCusker?

  What do you, what do you, are you just going through, just like?

• 56:34Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah. This guy seems like one of the uglier. Dee Snider?

• 56:39Speaker 02

  That's why they had the big hair to cover it up.

• 56:41Matt McCusker?

  Are you talking about the blonde dude?

• 56:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:43Speaker 02

  Dee Snider's a name that I've always heard of, but I'm like, I don't know where I'm supposed to know him from.

• 56:46Speaker 00

  I think Twisted Sister.

• 56:47Speaker 02

  Who the fuck is Twisted Sister?

• 56:49Matt McCusker?

  That's a sick name.

• 56:50Speaker 02

  What's her second biggest hit?

• 56:52Matt McCusker?

  We're not gonna take it.

• 56:53Speaker 00

  We're not.

• 56:53Speaker 02

  What's her second biggest hit?

• 56:55Speaker 00

  And then it's, uh.

• 56:57Matt McCusker?

  Every, every rose, every rose.

• 56:59Speaker 02

  Why would you even look at me?

• 57:01Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, what is, I don't, I don't know any, I don't know a lot of hair metal.

• 57:06Matt McCusker?

  Okay, there you go.

• 57:07Speaker 02

  That's a good one.

• 57:08Speaker 00

  The kids are back.

• 57:09Speaker 02

  No one knows that one.

• 57:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, you do. It was in, I think it was in Jackass.

• 57:12Speaker 02

  Sing it all the way through.

• 57:16Speaker 00

  Twisted Sister rules.

• 57:18Speaker 02

  No one knows this yet.

• 57:22Speaker 00

  This was in Jackass. This is good.

• 57:24Matt McCusker?

  I think I know the quote, yeah, the refrain.

• 57:28Speaker 02

  I know it.

• 57:29Speaker 00

  Dang it, dang it.

• 57:30Speaker 02

  I know, yeah.

• 57:31Matt McCusker?

  I never, that never caught on with me, that like genre of music.

• 57:34Speaker 02

  It sucks.

• 57:35Speaker 00

  No, it got me for a little.

• 57:36Matt McCusker?

  Punk, yeah, punk in general, yeah. I never, I was, uh, I, I wouldn't say me and my uncle had an argument, but me and my uncle were skateboarding the other day. Dude, it's crazy, dude. He's like fifty two. Just skating. Ripping it pretty hard, but I was telling him, they were, they had a speaker and I was like, people were blasting music and I was like, dude, nineties, early two thousands were I think the golden era of skateboarding music. And he like, it was just quiet. He was like, got quiet for a little bit and then after we were done, he's like, yeah, I don't know about that, man. It was definitely the eighties.

• 58:05Speaker 02

  Hit him hard.

• 58:05Speaker 00

  It had to be.

• 58:05Matt McCusker?

  It did hit him hard.

• 58:06Speaker 00

  Late nineties, early two thousands.

• 58:08Matt McCusker?

  That's what I was saying, dude.

• 58:08Speaker 02

  It's Tony Hawk era. No, Tony Hawk was way before the nineties.

• 58:11Matt McCusker?

  No, no, but the video game.

• 58:13Speaker 02

  The video game, when, when skating like got huge.

• 58:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 58:15Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's, I was like, cause I was, I, that, when I'm like, when I go to the pump track, I'll hit the headphones and listen to like, I just go there, skateboard and listen to music I listened to when I was like thirteen. It's so fucking sick.

• 58:26Speaker 02

  What is like Blink? What's, what's the genre of that?

• 58:28Matt McCusker?

  Three eleven, I was three eleven.

• 58:30Speaker 00

  That's from.

• 58:31Matt McCusker?

  Money, money, Boston's?

• 58:32Speaker 00

  Is that it?

• 58:32Speaker 02

  That was from Boston.

• 58:35Matt McCusker?

  A real big fish?

• 58:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, maybe.

• 58:37Matt McCusker?

  Sellouts, real big fish.

• 58:38Speaker 02

  Real big fish. They were great.

• 58:39Matt McCusker?

  Boston's are nasty too.

• 58:42Speaker 00

  I saw them at Webster Hall once. Yeah.

• 58:46Matt McCusker?

  Did you really?

• 58:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's pretty cool.

• 58:48Matt McCusker?

  I'm in that, I'm in that big brass sound right now. I've been listening to do, uh, Blood, Sweat and Tears. Did you ever fuck with them?

• 58:54Speaker 00

  No.

• 58:55Matt McCusker?

  Brother.

• 58:55Speaker 00

  What are they up to?

• 58:56Matt McCusker?

  Just that big brass sound, just a lot of a lot of horns and shit.

• 59:00Speaker 00

  You got a skanker on stage?

• 59:01Speaker 02

  You getting horns going?

• 59:02Matt McCusker?

  I'm getting some horns going, dude.

• 59:03Speaker 00

  Damn, that was legitimately a great act out of a musician. Musical instrument.

• 59:07Matt McCusker?

  Oh, the mouth trumpet?

• 59:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:11Matt McCusker?

  Sorry.

• 59:11Speaker 00

  It was really good.

• 59:13Matt McCusker?

  I can really nail it. If I wanted to, I can nail it.

• 59:14Speaker 00

  Please.

• 59:15Matt McCusker?

  You know, I get a little shy.

• 59:16Speaker 00

  Matt, please, don't get shy, bro. I know you're showing. Lick it, wet your whistle.

• 59:24Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 59:24Speaker 00

  The end was incredible.

• 59:25Matt McCusker?

  Took that all the way in.

• 59:26Speaker 00

  Bone, yeah. Really pulled it. That's a bold move.

• 59:28Matt McCusker?

  I'll be kicking myself on the drive like, dude, I could have trumpeted so much better on the floor.

• 59:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, but you need redemption at the national title.

• 59:36Matt McCusker?

  I know, to kick the ball.

• 59:38Speaker 00

  What do you think about heading down Atlanta way on a Monday to kick a field goal for the national title?

• 59:42Matt McCusker?

  I might have to.

• 59:42Speaker 00

  You tried when it missed? Yeah.

• 59:44Matt McCusker?

  It was close.

• 59:45Speaker 00

  On game day, it was fucking, it was a far field goal.

• 59:47Matt McCusker?

  Dude, you know, again.

• 59:48Speaker 00

  It's probably like a 30 yard field goal.

• 59:49Speaker 02

  30 yard, nobody's watching, nobody's, nobody's like trying to block.

• 59:52Speaker 00

  No, thousands of people, millions of people on TV.

• 59:55Speaker 02

  Nobody's blocking though.

• 59:56Speaker 00

  No.

• 59:56Matt McCusker?

  No, I mean, if someone rushed me, I would have.

• 59:58Speaker 00

  It would have helped.

• 59:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:00:00Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 1:00:00Speaker 00

  It would have increased the pressure.

• 1:00:01Matt McCusker?

  I would have been a little bit.

• 1:00:02Speaker 02

  30 yards.

• 1:00:03Matt McCusker?

  And I'm not trying to sound like a baby. I like, didn't really eat all day too, so.

• 1:00:10Matt McCusker?

  Didn't really eat all day and it was fucking freezing.

• 1:00:12Speaker 00

  How close were you? It was a good boot, dude.

• 1:00:13Matt McCusker?

  It was.

• 1:00:14Speaker 00

  Did you try one?

• 1:00:15Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 1:00:16Speaker 00

  Cause you knew you wouldn't do it.

• 1:00:17Speaker 02

  Fuck no, I would have fallen down.

• 1:00:19Speaker 00

  You would have got like Charlie Brown yourself?

• 1:00:21Matt McCusker?

  The weirdest part was that.

• 1:00:22Speaker 00

  The kid who went for it, so every, every week, college game day, they pick a college student to kick. And if the kid makes it, they give him like half a million dollars or $200,000.

• 1:00:31Speaker 02

  Damn.

• 1:00:31Speaker 00

  Cause the kids never make it really. But the, I, Matt went on and kicked it just kind of like as a fun one. And then the kid who kicked it tried his hardest, he fell twice.

• 1:00:41Matt McCusker?

  Fell?

• 1:00:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was slippery, dude. I would have, I would have torn my ACL doing that. I saw a big dog do that on game day.

• 1:00:47Matt McCusker?

  I heard about that.

• 1:00:48Speaker 00

  He was warming up for it and fucking ripped his knee.

• 1:00:51Matt McCusker?

  Think I hurt.

• 1:00:51Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 1:00:53Matt McCusker?

  That's one of my

• 1:00:53Speaker 02

  Couple brewskis, it's slick. You go, I got to kick this, everyone's watching.

• 1:00:56Matt McCusker?

  I dude, it's, I, the weirdest part was I had never really, never kicked a field goal before. So I had no, I had no idea like,

• 1:01:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:01:03Matt McCusker?

  If it was gonna go anywhere, like how it was gonna move and I was like,

• 1:01:06Speaker 02

  You did so well.

• 1:01:07Matt McCusker?

  Pleasantly surprised, yeah. It was the boots. The, the key was the snow boots.

• 1:01:10Speaker 02

  You gotta bring the boots.

• 1:01:11Matt McCusker?

  And the straight on, I just did the, that guy tried to do,

• 1:01:13Speaker 02

  You didn't go sideways?

• 1:01:15Matt McCusker?

  Now the kid who fell like did like a subtle, he like walked to the side. He looked like he knew what he was doing.

• 1:01:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, he was trying to kick it.

• 1:01:20Matt McCusker?

  He tried to like really hoof it with like the inside of his foot.

• 1:01:22Speaker 02

  That's when you can get your leg up to there though. Whoa chill.

• 1:01:24Matt McCusker?

  Yo chill bro.

• 1:01:26Speaker 02

  What the hell was that?

• 1:01:27Matt McCusker?

  Nazi paws.

• 1:01:28Speaker 02

  That's when you get your leg up to there.

• 1:01:30Matt McCusker?

  Yo, you can just elevate straight up, dude. You're like, Although it is your leg, to be fair, you are accurate.

• 1:01:36Speaker 02

  Yes. I should've just done that. Fuck.

• 1:01:38Matt McCusker?

  You are accurate. Fuck.

• 1:01:41Speaker 02

  Uh, yes.

• 1:01:44Speaker 02

  Damn it. One of the best ones I saw was in Australia, Aussie football game. And then halftime, they had this thing where you're gonna have to go up and do a fair catch. And then they try to hit you. And so they had a guy with a mattress hitting people, like do a fair catch, we're gonna mattress fucking pummel you. See you can catch one.

• 1:01:58Speaker 02

  Oh, see if you can do it? Yeah. One guy missed, you know, they pummel them. Another guy like catches it, falls over and everyone's like, he got it. And then the ball just rolls away and we're all like, he's out. Yeah, he got knocked out. Yeah, came over like that and the ball just slowly went away. There was a third guy was gonna go and they're like, game's over, game's over. Fucked that guy up. Oh man.

• 1:02:21Matt McCusker?

  I just saw a, I saw a clip of the slap league.

• 1:02:24Speaker 02

  I got into the slap league algorithm this week.

• 1:02:27Matt McCusker?

  Did you? So did I. Did you see the fucking dude who got knocked out in the last one?

• 1:02:31Speaker 02

  No, I, I thought they all got knocked out. They get, it's finally got knocked out.

• 1:02:33Matt McCusker?

  I didn't, I've, I actually watched the whole episode one time and I didn't see a lot of people get knocked out. Maybe it was just the one I watched. I watched a clip of this dude getting knocked out on a, on a slap and it's funny because they just cut to Dana White who's just in a chair like, oh.

• 1:02:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, every time it's saying, like, I can't believe that happened. Like, he wasn't guarding himself. He was gonna get slapped.

• 1:02:54Matt McCusker?

  It is just so sick to like, you know, he's got a lot of stuff going on and he makes just like, I guess, a couple of hours every week to go sit in a chair and just watch Meng get slapped in the face.

• 1:03:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:02Matt McCusker?

  He created that. It's, or I guess he bought it or whatever.

• 1:03:05Speaker 00

  I heard Tony and Mari, Matty were down there like, let's do commentary. I'm like, hey, we can make this funny and stuff. And Dana was like, it's not funny.

• 1:03:11Matt McCusker?

  It's not.

• 1:03:11Speaker 00

  It's a serious thing and I'm trying to get it like a real sport. They're like, oh, cool.

• 1:03:16Matt McCusker?

  It's a sick fucking sport. It looks like it reminds me like a medieval bar game.

• 1:03:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:21Matt McCusker?

  Just fucking, dude, it was.

• 1:03:23Speaker 00

  And they talk shit to each other. It is disheartening when the guy slaps a guy and he doesn't move and he's like, oh, I'm gonna fuck you up, bitch.

• 1:03:29Matt McCusker?

  He's about to slap you next.

• 1:03:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, you know, fuck.

• 1:03:32Matt McCusker?

  Oh, I'd quit so fast.

• 1:03:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:35Matt McCusker?

  Just be like, yeah, you know what, man?

• 1:03:36Speaker 00

  I actually quit.

• 1:03:41Speaker 02

  You win forfeit.

• 1:03:43Matt McCusker?

  You already got the check. You're like, yeah, you know what, man? I'm like, I don't need it.

• 1:03:45Speaker 00

  What are we even doing here? What's the point of this?

• 1:03:48Matt McCusker?

  Just put out the hands.

• 1:03:50Speaker 00

  My bad on that.

• 1:03:53Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I was disheartened today to see the, uh, Cameron Jim Jones beef. I didn't know they were beefing.

• 1:03:57Speaker 00

  They're beefing?

• 1:03:58Matt McCusker?

  They're beefing hard as hell, dude.

• 1:03:59Speaker 00

  Oh, damn.

• 1:04:00Matt McCusker?

  Cameron and Jim Jones, you know Dipset?

• 1:04:03Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:04:05Matt McCusker?

  Dude.

• 1:04:06Speaker 00

  I'm hip. You are, this guy out of control. Last night he met Joe Burrow and goes, where did you go to school? LSU, you fool. I'm sorry. Yeah. And now he doesn't even know the diplomats?

• 1:04:18Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, diplomats. I thought that was like, public knowledge.

• 1:04:21Speaker 00

  I know Diplo.

• 1:04:22Matt McCusker?

  Diplo?

• 1:04:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:24Matt McCusker?

  He's cool. He's not, not quite.

• 1:04:25Speaker 00

  Wait, what is this?

• 1:04:27Matt McCusker?

  They were just like in, like a 2000s rapper.

• 1:04:29Speaker 00

  Hey, ma.

• 1:04:30Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Purple Haze.

• 1:04:32Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:04:33Matt McCusker?

  It was Cameron.

• 1:04:33Speaker 00

  Oh, right, right, right.

• 1:04:35Matt McCusker?

  Baby, baby.

• 1:04:36Speaker 00

  Oh, I do know that.

• 1:04:38Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Dude, the, uh.

• 1:04:39Speaker 00

  So what's their beef?

• 1:04:40Matt McCusker?

  Who not? Uh, Jim Jones was like, oh, I listened to it today. Cameron laid out the whole thing. He didn't, obviously he didn't want to do this.

• 1:04:46Speaker 00

  Is Jim Jones the one who gave out his number? That was Mike Jones. Sorry, go ahead.

• 1:04:48Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:51Matt McCusker?

  Jim Jones was part of the diplomats, but apparently they, I didn't know they were beefing, but now it's like.

• 1:04:56Speaker 00

  Doesn't sound diplomatic at all.

• 1:04:57Matt McCusker?

  Exactly.

• 1:04:58Speaker 00

  True.

• 1:04:58Speaker 03

  What did Cameron keep calling him? Was it Jomo?

• 1:05:01Matt McCusker?

  Jomo.

• 1:05:01Speaker 03

  He was gonna be like, Jomo, yeah.

• 1:05:03Matt McCusker?

  But he was, he was like, kind of laying out.

• 1:05:05Speaker 00

  Why is he calling him Jomo?

• 1:05:05Matt McCusker?

  I guess that was like his nickname and they were saying, it was like really a weird detail, but like he was trying to like, they were just going back and forth, like, I think Jim Jones, I, from what I believe, he was saying like, I started that shit, that was basically me. I was, I think he was trying to paint himself as like, I was more of like the underworld, kind of like, I don't know, whatever. But he was painting himself as like, that was kind of me, like the brains behind it. Then Cameron today, it was pretty brutal, it was just like, dude, you were just a fan of ours. And the only reason we talked is because you, apparently his grandmom died, or his mom died or something?

• 1:05:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:38Matt McCusker?

  He was like, yo, my, my grandmom died, free house. And then like, they were like, okay dude, it's kind of weird, you're like, fighting over your house. And then Cameron was like, you know what though, it was a free house, so I started like bringing bitches over and just fucking them in Jim Jones's dead grandma's house.

• 1:05:51Speaker 00

  Dead grandma's house? Oh man. With that smell.

• 1:05:54Matt McCusker?

  But he was a teen, he was a young, he was, I can't sure if they're still in medical bed.

• 1:05:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:59Matt McCusker?

  But he, uh.

• 1:05:59Speaker 00

  You never fuck the bitch until you fuck her, where she can go like.

• 1:06:01Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, but he was saying basically like, you were just like a weirdo he tolerated, and then.

• 1:06:10Speaker 00

  Oh, that's so mean.

• 1:06:11Matt McCusker?

  It was really brutal.

• 1:06:12Speaker 00

  He's such a bummer to find out.

• 1:06:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it was tough.

• 1:06:14Speaker 00

  Like you were the one in the friend group that no one actually liked. I thought he was the wild card myself.

• 1:06:18Matt McCusker?

  I thought he was the wild card. Maybe, maybe he still is, I don't know. But it was funny, because apparently it was a beef from like 10 years ago that got resurrected. So it is sick to be, you know, you guys, look, it's never too, you're never too old to beef.

• 1:06:30Matt McCusker?

  Just be like, like 50 years old, trying to do your podcast, and all of a sudden, someone starts beefing with you like that, it's like, bro, can we please, we already beefed about this.

• 1:06:39Speaker 00

  So long ago.

• 1:06:40Matt McCusker?

  And he just, pretty much like devastated him pretty badly. He's like, I don't want to do this anymore. And I was listening to like, Jesus Christ, I'd be so mad.

• 1:06:47Speaker 00

  It's tough to be hard at that age.

• 1:06:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, dude. Yeah, true.

• 1:06:50Speaker 00

  You said it.

• 1:06:54Speaker 02

  It's tough to get hard at that age.

• 1:06:55Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 1:06:56Speaker 02

  Sorry, I missed it.

• 1:06:57Matt McCusker?

  How are the boners, how are the boners, can we talk, is like guys right now, how are the boners going for all of us?

• 1:07:01Speaker 02

  Woke up rock hard this morning, I was delighted.

• 1:07:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, morning, when you don't need it, it's great.

• 1:07:06Speaker 02

  I tried my best to use it.

• 1:07:09Speaker 00

  Got a boner with my dog a lot.

• 1:07:11Speaker 02

  You get a boner around your dog?

• 1:07:12Speaker 00

  Dogs like cuddling sometimes, I'm just like, fucking, oh no.

• 1:07:14Matt McCusker?

  Straight body, straight body heat.

• 1:07:16Speaker 00

  Trying to move it away from him.

• 1:07:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:07:18Speaker 00

  But, he knows, he knows, more master than before.

• 1:07:23Speaker 00

  He loves it.

• 1:07:24Matt McCusker?

  It's a little more submissive that morning, he's like, yeah, you're right, I'll fucking roll over. Daves, you're getting like rock hard next to-

• 1:07:28Speaker 00

  You better fucking roll over. Yeah, you better fucking sit, dude, you felt your fucking dad's boner.

• 1:07:33Matt McCusker?

  Sit.

• 1:07:36Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you get hard, what kind of dog do you have?

• 1:07:38Speaker 02

  Just like, uh, this size.

• 1:07:39Matt McCusker?

  Yo, fleshlight.

• 1:07:40Speaker 00

  Wait, you think he, little, sweet little flashlight, that dog?

• 1:07:44Speaker 02

  Oh yeah, little fleshy.

• 1:07:46Speaker 00

  Uh, were you about to say you think your dad ever had a boner while you were chilling with him?

• 1:07:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, do you think?

• 1:07:50Matt McCusker?

  He definitely-

• 1:07:50Speaker 02

  All of us, right?

• 1:07:51Speaker 00

  Definitely.

• 1:07:52Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:52Speaker 00

  You're like, daddy, I want to-

• 1:07:52Matt McCusker?

  Did you ever talk to your dad in the morning, he had a boner, if you were in your dad's bed in the morning, your dad had a fucking boner. Or at least a semi.

• 1:07:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:08:00Speaker 02

  Especially when you think about it, they were thirty something, they weren't even like old.

• 1:08:04Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, oh yeah, for sure, exactly.

• 1:08:05Speaker 02

  A young man.

• 1:08:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, just never really stopped, man, I remember I would get woken up in the morning for school and I had a boner. Now it's like, you get woken up in the morning, it's like, damn, I got, I've been trying to like hide my boner in the morning since I was like fucking twelve. I have never, I've not gotten a break, dude.

• 1:08:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, it sucks though, cause yeah, you wake up in the morning, you're like, damn, this is the hardest I've ever been, and then you walk to like the bathroom and the shower and you see your fully erect dong, and you go, god damn, I thought this thing was bigger. This thing felt so much bigger than it is.

• 1:08:31Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I literally had that last night, last night I was like, yo, I think I might have reached a new level, and I went to the bathroom and was like, nah, same old, same old guy.

• 1:08:39Speaker 02

  Like wobbles while you walk?

• 1:08:42Speaker 00

  You ever try to bend one, you ever try to bend a boner, like real tough and try to like?

• 1:08:46Matt McCusker?

  No, dude.

• 1:08:47Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, it's great, it's great, you do?

• 1:08:49Speaker 02

  Oh yeah.

• 1:08:49Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 1:08:50Matt McCusker?

  You bend it?

• 1:08:50Speaker 02

  I'm a little pressure player myself.

• 1:08:52Speaker 00

  You can't, just try to, just try to.

• 1:08:55Speaker 00

  Squeeze it to the top, you know, like one of those, uh, pixie sticks?

• 1:08:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:08:59Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, what if you caught the pinch, and there's gotta be a point where like the nerve pinches and you're like, ow.

• 1:09:03Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, it'll reach that point.

• 1:09:04Matt McCusker?

  True, just go past it into fucking-

• 1:09:06Speaker 00

  Nah, I don't fucking bend my bones, you fucking absolute creep.

• 1:09:09Speaker 02

  I know, I know, that's crazy, that's a test.

• 1:09:11Speaker 00

  That's disgusting, I would never do that.

• 1:09:13Matt McCusker?

  That's a test.

• 1:09:14Speaker 00

  I would never do that.

• 1:09:18Matt McCusker?

  That was a good boner check in.

• 1:09:19Speaker 00

  Just checking on everybody's rock hard boner. How you doing?

• 1:09:24Speaker 00

  Cause that is a non boner outfit you're wearing.

• 1:09:28Speaker 03

  Could be better.

• 1:09:33Speaker 00

  What is happening? You're quiet. Since I've come back, you're so quiet.

• 1:09:37Speaker 03

  I haven't been quiet. I've seen you like twice.

• 1:09:38Speaker 00

  I want to talk to you and hang out with you.

• 1:09:40Matt McCusker?

  Nate, we gotta get you harder, dude. We can't.

• 1:09:44Matt McCusker?

  Guys suffer in silence, but the boys need to be there and get them hard as fuck again.

• 1:09:48Speaker 03

  Bruh, get me hard. What's the root you were talking about?

• 1:09:52Matt McCusker?

  Bro, start taking maca. Take like two tablespoons every morning. You're gonna wake, you'll forget about it and wake up the next morning and go.

• 1:09:58Speaker 03

  The boners are fine. They're fine.

• 1:10:00Matt McCusker?

  No, just fine. We don't settle for just fine.

• 1:10:03Speaker 03

  Where I am bummed is I used to be able to get drunk and fuck and fuck forever and now.

• 1:10:08Speaker 00

  Those days, those days are long gone.

• 1:10:10Speaker 03

  Now I come home and I'm like, I try and I'm like, forget it. And I miss the good old days of.

• 1:10:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, cause that's, that's when it's the most fun. You have a couple of drinks, you go, I don't give a fuck what I look like.

• 1:10:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:10:22Speaker 00

  I don't care. We can do anything. Yeah.

• 1:10:24Speaker 03

  I'll ask for anything. I'll take the no gracefully.

• 1:10:30Speaker 00

  A little buzz, you go, hey, that's no problem. A sober no is.

• 1:10:36Speaker 03

  How could you? I thought you loved me.

• 1:10:40Matt McCusker?

  No, I'm not mad. I'm just trying to paint my reality to you, which is like, what am I gonna do?

• 1:10:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:44Matt McCusker?

  And, uh, yeah.

• 1:10:44Speaker 00

  And what would you do if I said no? You would literally cry. If you asked me to go down on you and I said no, you would cry.

• 1:10:50Speaker 02

  No, I don't want it anymore. I'm just letting you know how I feel.

• 1:10:53Matt McCusker?

  Like, no, I get it. I'm not, I'm not, trust me, I'm not mad. I just, you know, just, I don't know. What am I supposed to do? Just feel like this? This is crazy. I've been thinking about setting up the menu. I might start setting up the menu where it's like monthly, I'm, I'm, I'm telling you, I want.

• 1:11:09Speaker 00

  Go, let's take, let's take a look at the apps.

• 1:11:10Matt McCusker?

  Let's take a look.

• 1:11:11Speaker 00

  What's the soup of the day?

• 1:11:12Matt McCusker?

  What am I getting this month? Can we just talk about it in advance? And what I've come to is two sex. I don't think that's crazy to ask for. Two sexes a month.

• 1:11:21Speaker 00

  That's fucking crazy. That's low.

• 1:11:23Speaker 03

  Minimum.

• 1:11:23Matt McCusker?

  Two HJs, minimum. I'm talking about the minimum menu.

• 1:11:25Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 1:11:26Matt McCusker?

  Dollar menu. Two HJs and one beach. I think, dude.

• 1:11:30Speaker 00

  A beach is, a beach is nice.

• 1:11:32Speaker 02

  Beaches start to finish a completion are part of sex.

• 1:11:35Matt McCusker?

  Finish it completely. I want a full beach.

• 1:11:36Speaker 02

  No sex involved, no hand.

• 1:11:38Speaker 00

  Full beach once a month is-

• 1:11:39Matt McCusker?

  It's up to me. I like to reserve the option.

• 1:11:40Speaker 00

  That's gluttonous, dude. That's the McRib. The beach comes out once in a blue moon and you go, the McRib is back.

• 1:11:46Matt McCusker?

  That's the point.

• 1:11:48Speaker 00

  I don't know where it came. Nobody even told me it was coming.

• 1:11:51Matt McCusker?

  That's the point of the menu.

• 1:11:52Speaker 02

  That's the period. That's the time.

• 1:11:53Matt McCusker?

  That's what I'm saying.

• 1:11:54Speaker 02

  Oh, on period. Great. We still own IOU.

• 1:11:58Matt McCusker?

  Dude, are you- that's like literally my passion you just brought up. I've been passionately crusading for the period blowjob. And it's like, I'm just in the dark.

• 1:12:06Speaker 02

  It's never good.

• 1:12:06Matt McCusker?

  And I feel like I'm alone, brother. I feel like I'm alone, brother.

• 1:12:09Speaker 02

  No, we're all with you.

• 1:12:10Speaker 00

  No one's ever gotten a period. No one's ever gotten period head in a relationship.

• 1:12:14Speaker 02

  We see you.

• 1:12:16Speaker 00

  You are seen. We're holding space.

• 1:12:18Matt McCusker?

  I want to see one of those videos, black and white with just like shit written on a cardboard box. Hold it. Thank you for holding space for me right now.

• 1:12:25Speaker 00

  We're holding space.

• 1:12:26Speaker 02

  They're cranky, dude. They're not gonna give head.

• 1:12:28Matt McCusker?

  That's the perfect time for it.

• 1:12:30Speaker 02

  That's the best head. The cranky head.

• 1:12:36Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, just catching a sigh.

• 1:12:37Speaker 03

  Doesn't matter.

• 1:12:39Speaker 02

  I get a hot breath.

• 1:12:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, your little fucking nasty ass sigh actually felt good. Joke's on you, bitch.

• 1:12:47Matt McCusker?

  I will say, that's gonna suck so bad to have sex with a guy when you don't really feel like it. Not like I don't want to.

• 1:12:54Speaker 00

  Definitely.

• 1:12:57Speaker 00

  Is this good for you when you don't like it? Yeah, it's a great one. It is.

• 1:13:00Matt McCusker?

  Not even saying like you truly don't want to, because then it would be off the table. Where they're like, fine. It's gotta be so, it's just like, nothing grosser. If you're not like in that sexual mood with all those hormones flying, you just watch a guy like,

• 1:13:12Matt McCusker?

  and you're just like, Jesus fucking Christ.

• 1:13:13Speaker 00

  Can I buy? Can I buy?

• 1:13:18Matt McCusker?

  No wonder the Handmaid's Tale is so successful.

• 1:13:22Matt McCusker?

  Oh dude, oh, you're thinking what I'm thinking. No, my bad.

• 1:13:27Speaker 00

  Same page, what page you on, wait? No, I've been on the pie page. Good, did she just say it?

• 1:13:31Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:13:32Speaker 00

  Did she say coming?

• 1:13:33Matt McCusker?

  Oh, dude, it's.

• 1:13:34Speaker 00

  Did she say that? I'm not gonna ask.

• 1:13:37Matt McCusker?

  I was on them.

• 1:13:38Speaker 00

  She said something, she said something. She said something.

• 1:13:40Matt McCusker?

  I was on them and then now I'm off them and it's like, they're starting to call to me again.

• 1:13:44Speaker 00

  You've always had to call the pie.

• 1:13:45Matt McCusker?

  Started thinking about the Bible, I'm like, they had like twenty-five fucking kids, dude, they'll be fine.

• 1:13:49Speaker 00

  Oh dude, the pie rules.

• 1:13:50Matt McCusker?

  It's dude, it's fucking calling.

• 1:13:53Speaker 00

  I held off very late in life.

• 1:13:55Matt McCusker?

  So did I, so did I.

• 1:13:56Speaker 00

  I'll give it a occasional not pie. I fear the pie.

• 1:13:59Matt McCusker?

  The crazy kids in high school, I had kids in high school that would pie.

• 1:14:02Speaker 00

  Pie and left and right.

• 1:14:03Matt McCusker?

  Your friends in high school that would pie? It's like, dude, what?

• 1:14:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:14:07Matt McCusker?

  High school kids tossing pies.

• 1:14:10Speaker 00

  And then they go, she can't get pregnant, like, why, like, she didn't last time, like, that's not, you got lucky the first time.

• 1:14:16Matt McCusker?

  I had friends that would pie in high school and I was like, dude, you're a savage, bro. I was terrified of pie in high school.

• 1:14:21Speaker 00

  I still fear the pie.

• 1:14:23Matt McCusker?

  Right now, I fear it.

• 1:14:24Speaker 00

  Nate's a little fucking thick ass, I know, you're pieing.

• 1:14:27Matt McCusker?

  I love the pie.

• 1:14:28Speaker 00

  There's no way you're pulling out with that fucking ass.

• 1:14:31Matt McCusker?

  I, I, I do pull out, but when I get the opportunity. I have science behind the pie.

• 1:14:37Speaker 00

  Back it up.

• 1:14:41Speaker 00

  That's fucked up, dude.

• 1:14:44Speaker 00

  You out yet? You'll know when I'm out.

• 1:14:47Matt McCusker?

  Trying to pull out and having your ass hit the dresser.

• 1:14:50Speaker 00

  Hit the wall.

• 1:14:51Matt McCusker?

  Oh shit.

• 1:14:53Matt McCusker?

  That's your porn job.

• 1:14:54Speaker 00

  There's no fuck schwie in this place.

• 1:14:59Speaker 00

  The guy getting fucked against the wall. Oh, fuck. Can't pull out.

• 1:15:04Speaker 03

  I wanna say a thing, but I, I have a friend, I'm not gonna say his name, but he, he.

• 1:15:08Speaker 00

  Gardog?

• 1:15:09Speaker 03

  No, not Gardog, it's Gardog. He's, he's like, been with a lady for a long time, but never pie.

• 1:15:14Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 1:15:14Speaker 03

  But like, never once.

• 1:15:16Matt McCusker?

  That's crazy.

• 1:15:17Speaker 03

  It's kinda crazy, right?

• 1:15:18Matt McCusker?

  That's crazy.

• 1:15:19Speaker 00

  That's cra- never?

• 1:15:20Speaker 03

  Never.

• 1:15:21Matt McCusker?

  I think I know who you're talking about.

• 1:15:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, maybe.

• 1:15:25Speaker 00

  I, he might have the fucking reverse beep too.

• 1:15:29Speaker 03

  What's that, what is that?

• 1:15:30Speaker 00

  If I had to guess who it was, I'd say it was a dump truck.

• 1:15:35Speaker 00

  When he's pulling out.

• 1:15:38Speaker 00

  If I had to guess, it was a fucking fire engine backing out.

• 1:15:44Matt McCusker?

  Damn.

• 1:15:52Speaker 00

  If I had to guess, I don't know.

• 1:15:53Matt McCusker?

  That pod squad is like Thomas the Tank Engine.

• 1:15:58Speaker 00

  Squad of pies, dude.

• 1:16:04Matt McCusker?

  That opinion about podcast. I was like, a piece of that. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

• 1:16:13Speaker 00

  So good, that squad. You're talking about the panties in the mouth squad. The squad is fucking nice.

• 1:16:22Speaker 00

  What a great squad. It's a great squad.

• 1:16:26Speaker 02

  The pull squad.

• 1:16:27Speaker 00

  Holy fuck. I told you I was listening to that.

• 1:16:31Speaker 02

  Who the fuck is that? Bred it out on a piece of paper. I want to know who that is.

• 1:16:34Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he won't care. It's, uh, Andy. Andy Malaparina. It's panties in the motherfucking mouth. Panties in the mother.

• 1:16:41Speaker 03

  Oh, I thought you said Andy said his name.

• 1:16:43Speaker 00

  This boy.

• 1:16:43Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 1:16:44Matt McCusker?

  Pod squad panties in the mouth podcast. P I T on YouTube. Oh, my God, dude.

• 1:16:48Speaker 02

  Take a look at the boys.

• 1:16:51Matt McCusker?

  I mean, I always like knew of the amples of that fucking squad, but I never really thought about it in terms of getting it.

• 1:16:58Speaker 00

  The squad.

• 1:17:03Speaker 00

  The fat boys rappers.

• 1:17:07Speaker 00

  That's the squad, bro. That's a good crew. Pants in the mouth.

• 1:17:15Speaker 02

  It's the fat boys.

• 1:17:16Matt McCusker?

  The fat boys.

• 1:17:20Matt McCusker?

  Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

• 1:17:24Matt McCusker?

  Oh, man, dude, I just can't stop laughing about trying to pull out of a woman having your butt.

• 1:17:30Matt McCusker?

  It's stuck in my head.

• 1:17:31Speaker 02

  Hey, lady, you gotta move too.

• 1:17:34Speaker 00

  We gotta go our separate ways here.

• 1:17:38Matt McCusker?

  That'd be a nice Tim Burton movie. Imagine it like shot like all weird like Tim Burton, but everyone's butts are just blocking it. That's a whole movie. Just Johnny Depp with a humongous butt. Just getting trapped.

• 1:17:52Speaker 00

  The Fat Boys, the Fat Boys might be paying in the mouth.

• 1:17:58Matt McCusker?

  What's Johnny Depp up to you right now? Is Johnny Depp?

• 1:18:00Speaker 02

  He got fat.

• 1:18:01Matt McCusker?

  He got fat?

• 1:18:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, he got chubbed.

• 1:18:03Speaker 00

  Really?

• 1:18:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's not getting drained anymore.

• 1:18:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 1:18:06Speaker 02

  I mean, he is for sure, but he got chubby last time I saw him.

• 1:18:08Matt McCusker?

  Did he really?

• 1:18:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, not like.

• 1:18:10Matt McCusker?

  Kind of powerful to like defeat your wife in court and then get fat?

• 1:18:13Speaker 02

  It was, he was so cool in court, like, and what's this tin can for? He goes, it's for coke. You know what it's for? What, why are we doing this?

• 1:18:21Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he was. That was unbelievable. It was such a weird, what was the trial? Was it just like?

• 1:18:27Speaker 02

  He said she said. It was really just like having your friends like bitch at each other in front of you.

• 1:18:30Matt McCusker?

  What was the crime though? Was the crime abuse? Was the crime like?

• 1:18:34Speaker 00

  I think.

• 1:18:34Speaker 02

  Libel?

• 1:18:34Speaker 00

  Was the crime that he lost, didn't he lose like Pirates of the Caribbean and all that shit?

• 1:18:39Speaker 02

  From her slandering him?

• 1:18:40Speaker 00

  Saying this guy's a scumbag?

• 1:18:42Speaker 02

  And then suing him.

• 1:18:44Speaker 00

  No, not Captain Jack Sparrow.

• 1:18:47Matt McCusker?

  That's gotta be so sick.

• 1:18:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:18:49Matt McCusker?

  That is good. That, there's gotta be something cool about that, like going through the whole arc of like the relationship and then getting to sue each other at the end of it.

• 1:18:56Speaker 00

  Sue each other and having a judge be like, yes, she was a bitch.

• 1:19:02Speaker 02

  She was a bitch legally.

• 1:19:04Speaker 00

  The United States says she's a bitch.

• 1:19:07Matt McCusker?

  Guj rule.

• 1:19:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, she wanted a female judge for sure.

• 1:19:12Speaker 02

  That was a good one.

• 1:19:13Speaker 00

  I don't know, a female judge might have hurt her.

• 1:19:14Speaker 02

  Might have, because she was like.

• 1:19:15Speaker 00

  She was a young, young cutie.

• 1:19:17Speaker 02

  He's misunderstood.

• 1:19:18Matt McCusker?

  Oh yeah, if it was an old lady female judge.

• 1:19:20Speaker 00

  That was damning evidence.

• 1:19:23Matt McCusker?

  Turn on the bed, man.

• 1:19:25Speaker 02

  Shit on my bed and then wrote your name in, my name in shit on the wall.

• 1:19:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:29Speaker 02

  Her blood? I think she cut herself and wrote it in blood.

• 1:19:32Matt McCusker?

  Did she cut herself too?

• 1:19:33Speaker 02

  It's honestly.

• 1:19:34Matt McCusker?

  I'd rather a girl cut herself than shit the bed. Shitting the bed is.

• 1:19:37Speaker 00

  The bed's fucked up.

• 1:19:38Matt McCusker?

  Cutting yourself is like, okay, you've obviously.

• 1:19:40Speaker 00

  Cutting yourself is like, no you didn't. Same thing. It's like, I'm a show this weekend, you're lying, you didn't cut yourself.

• 1:19:48Matt McCusker?

  Shit in the bed, the proof is there.

• 1:19:49Speaker 00

  I'm a show this weekend, you're trying to ruin it right now.

• 1:19:53Speaker 02

  It was just that behavior was just like, it's Fort Lauderdale trash. That's all they were.

• 1:19:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:19:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:59Speaker 00

  Well, anyway.

• 1:20:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:20:00Speaker 00

  Let's, uh, switch over to Patreon.

• 1:20:02Matt McCusker?

  Do the Patreon.

• 1:20:03Speaker 02

  The page.

• 1:20:03Matt McCusker?

  Yes.

• 1:20:04Speaker 00

  Go watch Ari Sefir's special on Netflix.

• 1:20:08Matt McCusker?

  Yes.

• 1:20:08Speaker 02

  Watch it all the way through. Enjoy it.

• 1:20:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:20:11Speaker 02

  Do whatever.

• 1:20:12Speaker 00

  People from Manchester, England, come to my show.

• 1:20:14Matt McCusker?

  Ooh.

• 1:20:15Speaker 02

  When you go, Manchester rules.

• 1:20:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, in match.

• 1:20:19Matt McCusker?

  Of course.

• 1:20:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:20:20Speaker 02

  Please come.

• 1:20:21Matt McCusker?

  Yes.

• 1:20:22Speaker 00

  Please.

• 1:20:23Matt McCusker?

  Pshoo.