Why it's so hard to accept compliments

Receiving praise can feel good. But it can also feel uncomfortable. Should you say something nice back? Brush it off? Make a self-deprecating comment? Many of us were never taught how to accept compliments, but there's science to back up the benefits of receiving and giving kudos. Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

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• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:16Marielle Segarra?

  You're listening to Life Kit from NPR.

• 0:24Marielle Segarra?

  Hey, it's Marielle. You did such a good job with that project at work. Your style is on point. That dress looks incredible on you. You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. These are all such lovely things to hear, in theory. But for a lot of us, if somebody said these things to our faces, we'd get uncomfortable, right? We'd deflect, or say something bad about ourselves, or instantly pick something to compliment about the other person. Because many of us were never taught how to accept a compliment. But a few years ago, I saw my younger cousin, when she was maybe 17, accept a compliment so skillfully, so unselfconsciously. It really inspired me.

• 1:09Marielle Segarra?

  I think she just dyed the tips of her hair some bright color. And my mom said, "I really like that." And my cousin said, "I do too." Just like that, the conversation was about two people expressing that they liked the same thing. Simple. So what I mean to say is, it can be done. We can learn to accept compliments, the way my cousin did, without feeling unbearably awkward and self-conscious. On this episode of Life Kit, how to take a compliment. Reporter Andy Tagle talks to experts about that, plus the benefits of receiving and giving compliments. And just a quick note here. When we talk about compliments, we mean the real, well-intentioned ones, not the backhanded ones that people sometimes give. You do not have to accept those.

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• 3:20Speaker 03

  To the middle now. One, two, three, four, five, six. Show it in your face how much you want it.

• 3:27Speaker 04

  It's a Tuesday afternoon. I'm in my living room in my favorite pair of stretchy pants, but I could not be more uncomfortable because I'm being showered with compliments.

• 3:39Speaker 03

  You look amazing, first of all.

• 3:41Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 3:41Speaker 03

  You're gonna be amazing. You already are.

• 3:44Speaker 04

  Okay, we're being brave. We're doing it.

• 3:45Speaker 03

  So we're just gonna stand feet wide, shoulders back, accepting all the eyes from the stadium of people looking at us.

• 3:54Speaker 04

  Choreographer and dance director Alec Cohen is walking me through a mini version of intro to Pop Star, a no experience required dance class that's so popular, he travels across the country to teach it in different cities by request.

• 4:09Speaker 03

  This is a class about discovering and nurturing your personal it factor and being completely okay being seen.

• 4:17Speaker 04

  I have a near allergic aversion to receiving praise. I'm so bad at taking compliments, one of my coworkers pitched this story on my behalf after trying to give me props for one of my stories. I deflect, negate, freeze up, sometimes visibly cringe. And research shows there's a lot of reasons why that might be. I identify as a woman, for example, so I've likely been taught more often than men not to appear overconfident or immodest. And then there's my self-esteem. Because when you're not confident in yourself or about the thing you're being complimented on, that divide in your self-image can cause some real cognitive dissonance.

• 4:59Speaker 03

  We're gonna bend our knees.

• 5:01Speaker 04

  And I am not confident about performing this choreo. I asked Alec for this lesson because I wanted to harness some of that uber-confident Pop Star energy. But as hard as I tried to go full diva, I'm Andy, not Ari. So my knee-jerk reaction, even after a pep talk and no small amount of encouragement from Alec, was to laugh nervously and negate or doubt Alec's every encouraging word.

• 5:32Speaker 03

  I think I'm already seeing a really strong ability to pick up choreography, to execute it. You have coordination.

• 5:43Speaker 04

  You're being very kind. You're being very kind.

• 5:45Speaker 03

  Well, I wouldn't lie to you.

• 5:49Speaker 04

  The thing is, that bit of hesitation, that skepticism in my voice, it's not really serving either of us.

• 5:57Speaker 03

  If we like go down this path of like, no, I wasn't good, then we're spending 45 more seconds being convinced that you were good and living in that uncomfortable thing and going down this entire like rabbit hole of like being convinced. Whereas if you just say thank you in that moment, it'll be done with. And I think over time, just saying thank you will become a practice. And then hopefully, inevitably, it'll be something that you actually believe eventually.

• 6:26Speaker 04

  So Alex says, let yourself accept the good. Why not just choose to believe the nice thing?

• 6:33Speaker 03

  I don't know anyone who's entirely comfortable accepting praise. So I think it's just like choosing to accept that people are telling the truth when they tell you that they enjoyed something.

• 6:45Speaker 04

  And believe it or not, there's research to back this up. Shuan Zhao is a behavioral scientist at Stanford University. Her research is all about social connection, how we connect with each other.

• 6:59Speaker 05

  And how we oftentimes do not connect with each other, how we understand and oftentimes misunderstand each other.

• 7:05Speaker 04

  She's also the CEO and co-founder of Flourish Science, a startup focused on translating insights from science for everyday well-being. And that includes a lot of research on compliments. For example, in one study, Shuan and other researchers wanted to know, do people ever get tired of hearing compliments?

• 7:24Speaker 05

  So we actually asked people to write down five compliments. And each day, the computer would send a compliment to the other, the recipient. And then we found that over time, the sender thought that the recipient would get less and less excited about each compliment. But the truth is, the recipient, each time, they got really, really happy because it's a new compliment. And also, just like because you had food today, it doesn't mean that you don't need food tomorrow. Knowing that you're appreciated by your loved one really means a lot.

• 7:54Speaker 04

  And maybe not all that surprising, but a good reminder. When they're genuine, familiar compliments are still welcome ones.

• 8:03Speaker 05

  You know, when I have a nice dress, or even the same dress, okay? The same dress that my husband has complimented a million times. And if I choose to wear it today and he says, "Oh, that's, it fits you really nicely," or "You look really nice," I would still be very happy.

• 8:19Speaker 04

  Still nice to hear it, yeah. And we're just getting started.

• 8:25Speaker 04

  What does praise do for us socially, emotionally? What makes it such a game changer in any kind of relationship?

• 8:31Speaker 05

  So there's so much research, even before my research, about how good it is to receive compliments. For example, we have neuroscientists showing that when you receive a compliment, your brain, the reward circuit lights up, just like when you receive money. Except that when you give another person a compliment, you're not losing any money. The other person's happier and you're actually happier. There's research about even giving compliments make people happier. It actually helps you to see the good things around you better when you verbalize, when you communicate those in concrete ideas. So my research found that we actually underestimate the power of our compliments on other people. People actually feel even happier than you would expect. You know, oftentimes you think, "Oh, maybe they don't even care that much. Maybe they've heard this many times."

• 9:16Speaker 05

  But actually, we found that people are just happier to receive the compliments. We found that people overestimate how awkward the other person would feel when they receive compliments. And then, of course, we looked into the mechanism, why that might be the case. And we found that oftentimes, we especially focus on, "Am I doing a good job? Am I using the right words?" Then that may oftentimes stop people from even giving the compliments. And we found that if you actually direct people to focus more on the warmth of the compliments, they're more likely to realize that, "Oh, I should give this compliment. It will actually land well."

• 9:54Speaker 04

  So, takeaway one. A compliment is an opportunity for connection that benefits both the giver and the receiver. Yes, even if they also make you feel awkward. And a compliment given from the heart might have a bigger impact than you realize. So don't hold back for fear of saying exactly the right thing, the right way, at the right time. Juan says what matters most is making the effort to let people know how much you appreciate and admire them. Take it from her. It's a line of research that began from personal experience.

• 10:25Speaker 05

  So I've always been really fascinated about how we connect with each other, how we oftentimes do not connect with each other. And when I was dating my, at that time, my boyfriend, but now husband, I was noticing that I actually didn't know how he felt about me. And I thought he didn't really like me. And I actually almost moved on with other guys. But then, one day, he told me that he loved me. And I was just shocked. And I, I felt like one thing that he wasn't doing well is he wasn't telling me all these nice thoughts he had about me, all the admirations he had about me. So I felt that's a pretty common thing that many people, maybe not just him, but many

• 11:08Speaker 05

  other people often struggle with, is you oftentimes you notice nice things in another person, but you don't tell them. For whatever reason, maybe you are feeling shy, maybe you think you, this was not a good time. But then, what you may be missing out is that this is opportunity to connect with another person. This is an opportunity to brighten another person's day. So I wanted to prove this point to him, that he should give me more compliments. And of course, as a scientist, I proved to him, and also, he is a scientist too. So I ran experiments, and that's my way to communicate, look, it's real that you should give compliments, and it's actually, it lends better than you think.

• 11:48Speaker 04

  I love when you can find a good thing and also prove your, your partner wrong, or prove yourself right. That is, that is a double upside for me. The other part of this was that you ended up making him a scrapbook of compliments. Can you explain that bit for me?

• 12:04Speaker 05

  So, yes. So I created, his first, first birthday after we got together, so I created the scrapbook. So I wrote down lots of compliments I had for him, and it was very easy. There are so many good things about him that I can compliment him on.

• 12:19Speaker 04

  That's such a nice story with such a nice result. But I was thinking about how I might react if my spouse, or my best friend, or a colleague in particular, gave me a scrapbook of compliments about myself. I think if it were me, I would probably implode. Like, I do not know if I could emotionally, or even physically, handle that much praise. Why is it so hard for some people, hopefully not just me, to accept praise?

• 12:43Speaker 05

  I actually want to ask you, why do you think you would implode?

• 12:47Speaker 04

  It's a good question. I think that context matters, you know? The amount of praise probably has something to do with it, you know? Like if you're getting like a lot of lofty affirmations in front of people, there's probably like some self-esteem things in there. I think culture is a really big thing, too. I was raised in an Asian household. Humility was like a really big thing. So I feel like I don't ever want to seem overconfident. And like, I don't know what one thing it is, but it makes me cringe often. Like my, my response, I know, is never a good one.

• 13:21Speaker 05

  That's beautiful. You just unpacked so many layers of the awkwardness and culture and all of it. So, uh, one, you mentioned self-esteem. So there's some fascinating research about how, uh, high self-esteem, people have a easier time receiving compliments. Because people want to maintain a congruent image about themselves, right? When you are high self-esteem, you also perceive yourself as have all these wonderful qualities. So it's consistent with how you perceive yourself. And when you are complimenting a person who may struggle with self-esteem, just reassure them that your intention is a kind intention that helps them to accept the compliment. Because otherwise, they may feel being evaluated.

• 14:05Speaker 05

  And then this may not be consistent with how they perceive themselves. Uh, so I think that's really interesting, um, sharing the intention.

• 14:14Speaker 04

  And then another aspect you said might be culture.

• 14:15Speaker 05

  Yes, culture. I, I actually grew up in China. So when we took our English class, uh, we learned that in English, when people compliment you, uh, you should say, "Thank you." Don't say, "No, no, no, no, no." Because that's the, the right thing to, uh, to do in Chinese culture is to, to deny the compliment.

• 14:35Speaker 04

  Deny, deny, yeah.

• 14:36Speaker 05

  Yes, to deflect the compliment. That's the right thing to do. And in English, you are just supposed to say, "Thank you." So that's, you know, you have to be taught. Um, and that, that, I think that just highlights how much of a cultural difference there is. Accepting that it's part of the cultural, culture norm. I, I think that really helps.

• 14:55Speaker 04

  Takeaway two. It's not just you or me. Compliments can be hard to receive for lots of reasons. Like, were you taught never to be boastful? Or were you raised in a culture where a compliment might be perceived as jealousy? Context matters. Meaning both your personal relationship to praise, as well as when and where a compliment is received. Try to control for what you can, when you can. Maybe that means just remembering to take a few deep breaths before you respond to any praise. Or maybe at the office, that could mean setting up a set place for coworker kudos, like a post-it note wall or Slack channel that you can respond to without having to constantly react to people in real time.

• 15:39Speaker 04

  Because Shuan says there are definitely reactions you want to avoid. Let's talk a little bit about best ways to respond. Because I know for me, some things that I do is like to dismiss the compliment, like swat it away, like, no, that's wrong. Like to dismiss it or to negate it.

• 15:58Speaker 05

  Imagine when you give someone a gift, right? And if they are like, oh, no, I don't want to receive this gift. How would you feel? Compliment is a gift. And oftentimes, when we give it, we want to give it as an unconditional gift to another person. So it feels like declining a gift from another person. So maybe your intention is that you feel that you don't deserve this compliment, but the other person may just feel like a rejection of some sort.

• 16:27Speaker 04

  Hmm, that's really lovely. And what about the other thing I do is when someone says something nice, I feel like must think of nice thing to say back immediately. Must think of counter compliment. Must volley something back right away. Any thoughts there?

• 16:41Speaker 05

  Right. So again, coming back to the idea of unconditional gift. Oftentimes, when we give a compliment, we are giving this as an unconditional gift. We're not thinking that I give you a compliment because I want you to give me a compliment. It's that I noticed something nice about you. I want you to know that how much I appreciate you. So, yes, there could be other future occasions to repay the compliment. But at this very moment, I think the best thing to do is to enjoy that as an act of kindness from the other person. I don't think people keep a mental account of, I give three compliments today and I only received two back. I don't think that's how it works.

• 17:20Speaker 04

  Takeaway three. Think of a compliment as an unconditional gift. Gratitude is a good idea, but there's no payback required and no strained or stressful conversation necessary.

• 17:33Speaker 04

  Any, you know, template language for us on the best way to phrase a compliment, to phrase praise?

• 17:40Speaker 05

  Oftentimes, we sometimes don't give compliments because we feel that the other person already knows something, right? So when you give a compliment, it may not add any new information. But when a nice thoughts about another person comes to you, it's better to actually tell them than not telling it. So don't get tripped over because I want to give the best compliment. I want to use the right template. So just say what feels sincere to you. I think that's one. But two, I do have friends telling me that if a compliment is more specific, right? Instead of just, you know, you look nice today. Maybe you can tell them, oh, that brows looks really nice on you. You know, instead of saying, oh, you did a good job.

• 18:23Speaker 05

  The presentation is very, you know, went well. Say more specific about, oh, I really like how you approached the go-to-market strategy. You know, it's made me see things from a different perspective. So I think those that they kind of, you know, be more concrete. And if you can talk about the kind of impact, positive impact it has on you.

• 18:43Speaker 04

  Last step, takeaway four. When offering some praise, the more specific you can be, the better. You never know how far a little kindness can go.

• 18:52Speaker 04

  Who should we give compliments to if we know that it benefits? Like, does it, does everyone benefit from praise all the time? Should we just be tossing out compliments to, you know, to strangers on the street? To our neighbors, to our, you know, to our coworkers, to everybody?

• 19:07Speaker 05

  I would say so. If anything, we are certainly not at the point of giving too many compliments that we should worry about, are we giving too many? I think most people are on the side of not giving enough compliments or expressing their kind thoughts about other people. And that's a good thing about compliments, right? It takes seconds for you to take notice of something. And you actually help the other person to also... Appreciate what's special about them. Um, I I still remember some of the compliments I received when I was a kid and really had big impact on me. Uh, they seemed so small and so trivial. So one was from someone who said that she um complimented on my eyes.

• 19:51Speaker 05

  And I grew up, I'm Asian, I have single eyelid, right? And in Asian culture, you know, double eyelid oftentimes is perceived as prettier because you get larger eyes. So I've always thought about, I want to, I want to get a double eyelid surgery. And I have been saving money. And even when I was a PhD student, I was still saving money and wanting to go to Korea to get my double eyelid surgery. And someone complimented on my eyes. And I, that just helped me to just appreciate that. Um, yeah, it, I guess it is pretty through, you know, some other people's eyes. Like, it doesn't, I don't have to subject myself to the beauty standard that the society is imposing on me. So these compliments sound really trivial and small, but I think they have big impact.

• 20:36Speaker 05

  Like, for me, I'm most certainly not going to get double eyelid surgery now. You know, your converse might turn another person's day around and even change their life. You never know what kind of impact your compliment would have on another person.

• 20:50Speaker 04

  Shuang Xiao, thanks so much for your time. It's been a pleasure.

• 20:52Speaker 05

  Thank you, it's such a pleasure. Thank you so much.

• 20:55Speaker 04

  Oh, and in case you were wondering, I made it through the rest of that dance class. I definitely didn't nail every step. But Alec was just so genuinely honest and kind and encouraging about it all. I can help just feel a little bit good about myself, too.

• 21:11Speaker 03

  Five, six, seven, eight, pose. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Here's the thing, like, you deserve to be celebrated. And I think whether, I mean, I think that was pretty good. I think you, for somebody who claims to have no experience, I think you nailed it.

• 21:33Speaker 04

  Okay, let's recap. Takeaway one: A compliment is an opportunity for connection that benefits both the giver and the receiver. And research shows genuine compliments don't get old. So go on, make someone's day. Takeaway two: compliments can be hard to accept for a lot of different reasons. If you struggle with accepting praise, try to get to the root of the issue and control for what you can. Because, takeaway three: you can think of a compliment as an unconditional gift. That means there are no strings attached. You can accept it with a simple, genuine thank you and keep it moving. Takeaway four: when offering praise, be specific. Maybe think about the compliments that have meant the most to you.

• 22:18Speaker 04

  And then, don't hold back. You never know the impact you can have on someone else.

• 22:25Marielle Segarra?

  That was reporter Andy Tagle. For more Life Kit, check out our other episodes. We have one on how to make more confident decisions and another on how to get your protein from plants. You can find those at npr.org/lifekit. And if you love Life Kit and want even more, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org/lifekitnewsletter. Also, we love to hear from you, so if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email us at [email protected]. This episode of Life Kit was produced by Claire Marie Schneider. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan, and our digital editor is Malika Gharib. Megan Cain is our senior supervising editor, and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Margaret Serino and Sylvie Douglas.

• 23:10Marielle Segarra?

  Engineering support comes from Zoe Vingenhoven. Special thanks to Adia Gooden and Erica Boothby. I'm Marielle Segarra. Thanks for listening.