OMG how embarrassing! How to stop feeling so awkward

Cringing at the time you gave a speech with spinach in your teeth, or accidentally liked an ex's picture on social media? Still reliving that incident in the fourth grade when you called your teacher "mommy"? Awkward moments have a tendency to haunt us – even ones from decades ago. This episode, Life Kit reporter Andee Tagle breaks down why we get so embarrassed about the things we do and how we can experience those feelings a little less. Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

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• 0:24Marielle Segarra?

  You're listening to Life Kit from NPR.

• 0:29Marielle Segarra?

  Hey, everybody. It's Marielle. I think we all have memories that make us cringe, right? Something we did that was just really embarrassing or uncomfortable. They tend to play on repeat for me when I'm trying to sleep. But enough about me. Let's talk about this other guy's awkward memories.

• 0:50Speaker 02

  I had gotten in my head before middle school that the key to my social success was to be professional and mature.

• 0:57Marielle Segarra?

  This is Ty Tashiro, a psychologist and a social scientist. He says as a kid, he was inspired by the character Alex P. Keaton on the 80s sitcom Family Ties.

• 1:08Speaker 02

  He was kind of this old soul who carried around a briefcase and more pressed khakis and starched shirts. And so that's, that was exactly what my wardrobe looked like.

• 1:20Marielle Segarra?

  Good idea in theory, but...

• 1:23Speaker 02

  I kind of look like a 40-year-old accountant at age 12.

• 1:26Marielle Segarra?

  So Ty remembers pulling up in the car with his mom on the first day of school.

• 1:30Speaker 02

  And as we were driving around the roundabout, I just saw, like, the kids were like, heavy metal was very popular at the time. So we were in like leather pants and like these cut-up halter tops and had this wild hair. And I'm like, I have no idea what is going on or how I navigate any of this.

• 1:56Marielle Segarra?

  Ty says this is one of many times he's felt awkward in his life, one of many times he's struggled to maneuver through the intricacies of social interactions. By the way, he's also written a book on this topic. It's called Awkward: The Science of Why We're Socially Awkward and Why That's Awesome. That's a very positive spin on it, Ty. I like where this is going.

• 2:16Speaker 02

  I think awkwardness tells us a lot about just how important social relationships are to us. As humans, we're so reliant upon other people for our survival and for our well-being. And so, over time, we've evolved to have brains that are incredibly intricate at understanding social situations, at deciphering other people and what they might be thinking. And then also wondering about, hey, what do I need to do to be a cooperative and helpful person so I can fit in and be a part of this group?

• 2:48Marielle Segarra?

  Ty says that is why it can feel so terrible when you do something awkward or embarrassing, even if it's a small thing, like you have spinach caught between your teeth or you forget to zip your pants.

• 2:58Speaker 02

  In the moment, it sure feels like it's a huge deal. And we do have those physiological reactions, the flushing of the face, the rushing blood, and that feeling of panic that we really need to fix what's gone wrong.

• 3:14Marielle Segarra?

  But he says these feelings can give us intel about who we are and who we want to be, if we can learn how and when to embrace them. On this episode of Life Kit, what to do about all those awkward moments in your life. Reporter Andy Tagel is going to break down why we get so embarrassed about the things we do, talk us through how to manage these moments when they arise, and give us tools to maybe, just maybe, stop reliving that moment from the third grade talent show. You did your best, kid. Let it go.

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  In the much-talked-about new movie, Wicker, Olivia Colman plays a woman who commissions a husband literally made of wicker. Yes, wicker. We'll tell you why the silly and bawdy new movie is also a nice cozy fall watch. Listen to Pop Culture Happy Hour via the NPR app or wherever you get your podcasts.

• 5:08Speaker 03

  OK, who's ready to get comfortable with getting uncomfortable? Yeah, me neither. Deep breath. To start, let's acknowledge we all suffer moments we wish we could instantly undo. But the pain of embarrassment, social missteps, can be a lot more severe if you struggle to interpret the norms everyone else just seems to intuitively understand.

• 5:29Speaker 05

  I am an autistic person, so I think about all the times where it's almost kind of like, everybody has this rulebook and this manual that you just didn't get during the onboarding.

• 5:45Speaker 03

  Eric Garcia is the senior Washington correspondent at The Independent and the author of We're Not Broken: Changing the Autism Conversation. He says that the social pressure he feels, not knowing the rulebook, can have big ripple effects. For example, some neurodivergent people experience something called rejection-sensitive dysphoria.

• 6:06Speaker 05

  And it's something you feel very viscerally. It's more than just the normal, oh, I got rejected, this is terrible, I feel embarrassed. It's like, it's a physical thing.

• 6:17Speaker 03

  Now, you don't have to be neurodivergent to be hypersensitive for rejection or failure. And struggling with social cues doesn't automatically mean you have autism. There's a gray area here, and likely a lot of overlapping struggles between neurodivergent and... Neurotypical people, according to Ty. His research points to three traits that awkward people may experience. Trouble communicating, trouble executing and navigating social skills, and obsessive interests.

• 6:46Speaker 02

  And so, yeah, you know, there's variability across all three areas. And it actually forms this nice bell curve. So the average person in the population has a few awkward characteristics. And folks who are socially awkward just have more of them, and they have them more intensely.

• 7:01Speaker 03

  Where you fall on that curve likely plays a role in just how much cringing you do at yourself in everyday life. Which makes sense. That's what that feeling is programmed for, after all. See, embarrassment and awkwardness aren't universal. They're uniquely formed by our culture, our social context, and our sense of self to help guide us back to the safety of our clans. The thing is, our sense of self can be a surprisingly slippery thing. Takeaway one: You're not who you think you are. But that's not as big a deal as you think.

• 7:36Speaker 03

  A lot of people talk about how they like hate hearing the sound of their own voices. And like, you do hear yourself differently than other people are hearing it. Melissa Doll is a writer and the author of Cringe Worthy, A Theory of Awkwardness. She taught me this really interesting idea about our self-identity called the irreconcilable gap. This is a term coined by psychologist Philippe Rochat out of Emory University. It works like this. Most of the time, we exist in our own heads. So we see ourselves a certain way. How we carry ourselves, how smart or interesting we are. And we might assume that other people see us in that same way. But the reality is, there's usually some distance, that irreconcilable gap between your own self-image

• 8:20Speaker 03

  and an outsider's perspective of you. Melissa's theory is that we cringe when there's a big disconnect between those two selves. The moments that make us cringe are the moments that trigger a sense of like, oh, my gosh, I think I'm putting myself out there one way, but other people are seeing me in this other way. Think back on any recent moments of embarrassment or awkwardness. Forgetting someone's name, going in for the hug at the same moment they reach for the professional handshake, accidentally liking your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend's Instagram post from 10 years ago. The pain you likely felt was perhaps the result of the collision of those two yous. The flawless self you're supposed to be and the self you were instead.

• 9:03Speaker 03

  But "supposed to be" is the operative phrase in that sentence. Because our self-conscious feelings aren't always accurate. For example, Melissa told me about this famous study. It was on something called the spotlight effect. And it's basically like, we assume more people are paying attention to our faults and our embarrassing missteps than they are. So in a study from Cornell from 2000, they put a bunch of participants in a room and then had one person show up five minutes later. And they made them wear a really silly T-shirt. So I don't hear. It was a T-shirt with a large picture of Barry Manilow that the researchers had pre-interviewed students about to confirm it would be sufficiently embarrassing.

• 9:45Speaker 03

  Anyway. And afterwards, they asked them, okay, how many people do you think will remember that you're wearing this ridiculous T-shirt? T-shirt wearing participants guessed that the number would be about half. In reality, less than a quarter remembered who was on the shirt. Which kind of cracks me up because the advice typically goes like, oh, like, no one's paying attention to you anyway. And like, that's not actually what the study found. Like, some people are, just not as many people as we think. What the study reminds us is that we're all the main characters of our own story. In our heads, the spotlight always shines more brightly on us. But the science says otherwise. Those researchers found that we tend to overestimate both how deeply we're being observed and how much others care about what we do. So relax.

• 10:27Speaker 03

  Even if you do walk into that meeting with lipstick on your teeth or a rip in your pants, chances are, most of the people in the room didn't even notice. And that brings us to takeaway two. Lighten up. Diffuse awkward moments with acknowledgement and levity.

• 10:45Speaker 03

  Okay, so now that we've all gained some perspective about our self-conscious feelings, let's talk strategies for dealing with awkwardness in real time. All of our experts agreed. If you run face-first into an embarrassing situation, just face the thing head-on. Put it all right out on the table.

• 11:00Speaker 02

  You know, say, Oh, wow. I am so sorry you've had to look at that smidge between my teeth for however long this has been going on. That was awkward. Now, it shows to the other person that you understand what the social expectation is, and that you don't intend to continue being awkward in that way. And it allows you to move on from the moment. Whereas if you don't put the awkwardness on the table, it has this weird way of lingering through the rest of the conversation.

• 11:30Speaker 05

  When you say "fall on your face in front of hundreds of strangers", it's easy to want to just curl up in the fetal position and will yourself to disappear. But Eric says, "Don't underestimate the generosity of other people in those most cringe-worthy of moments." If you can show that you can pick up from your hiccups, people have a large amount of grace with that. You know, like you play a bum note in a song, like you just kind of just keep pressing through. You get the point. Leaning right into it, laughing it off, and taking your foible in stride is a far easier, far smoother road to social recovery than, say, completely avoiding that you accidentally sent that risque text to your mom instead of your bae.

• 12:13Speaker 05

  Or giving up your absolute favorite coffee shop because that barista caught you spill your entire latte down your front. And you can and should apply this lightness to your embarrassing memories, too. Have you ever been minding your own business, laying down to sleep, driving down the road, and a familiar song comes on, and bam, you're hit with a mortifying flashback from sixth grade? Melissa uses a fitting name for this: a cringe attack. The things that stick in our memory are the things that make a deep cut emotionally.

• 12:47Speaker 03

  A time that you were really, really afraid or really angry. Anything that's emotionally heightened is going to stick in our brains. So it makes sense that embarrassing moments stick with us.

• 12:57Speaker 05

  If you find that you're frequented by the same intense embarrassing memories, there are some things that might soften the edges of it. For example, in her book, Melissa wrote about a study showing that if you can shift the focus to other details surrounding a cringe attack...

• 13:11Speaker 03

  Like, what did the room look like? What else happened that weekend? You might be able to lessen the strength of the emotion tied to the memory. Also, going back to that spotlight effect, it might help to remind yourself those past moments probably weren't as big a deal to everyone else as they were to us back then, and almost certainly aren't now. But you could also, you know, just try giving yourself a break, or maybe even a pat on the back. Just thinking about, okay, thank God I'm cringing over my past self because that suggests some personal growth, hopefully. It's a reminder of how far I've come. Like, I really hope, like, looking at my writing 10 years ago makes me cringe because otherwise I haven't gotten any better. In a different light, you might see a cringe attack

• 13:55Speaker 03

  as an old friend back for an unexpected visit. Like, "Oh, you again. Nice to see you, old me. Weren't you hilarious? So glad I know better now."

• 14:07Speaker 03

  And now that we've widened the lens on ourselves, let's turn that curiosity outward. Takeaway three: Challenge the source of your social discomfort.

• 14:17Speaker 03

  So my name is Pilvi Takala. I'm a visual artist and I make mostly video work. Okay, so this is a technically accurate description of what Pilvi does, but I'd argue her actual medium is awkwardness in the form of what she calls performative interventions. Essentially, Pilvi goes into a space with certain rules or social structures, a subway, an art gallery, an amusement park, and then finds a way to publicly but subtly challenge those social contracts. Like The Stroger, for example, in which she lightly but consistently invaded people's personal space in an office setting. Confusion and discomfort usually ensue. The main thing in my practice that I have grown is the muscle for dealing with awkwardness

• 15:00Speaker 03

  and being in situations that are uncomfortable. One of the works that had the most lasting impact on her is called The Trainee. The premise was simple. Pilvi would secretly embed herself in a financial services company for a month. With the blessing of a few higher-ups in the company and in collaboration with the museum, posing as a trainee in the marketing department. For about the first two weeks, she played it straight. Just took some time to learn the company culture, understand what was what, where the break room was. And then I stopped doing anything.

• 15:30Speaker 03

  No, really, anything. For hours, for days. I was just sitting. I didn't touch my phone. I didn't have a pen or paper or fiddle with anything. I was just sitting and people did find that very uncomfortable. If anyone asked her what she was doing, she simply told them, "Brain work." Sounds pretty tame, right? But see, like many corporate workspaces, Pilvi observed that busyness was an assumed part of the culture, even if it wasn't productive or work-related. Texting a friend, going on Facebook, everyone just had to be doing something. So when she did nothing at all, things got awkward. It was funnily, lack of contact rather than some kind of conflict.

• 16:14Speaker 03

  Instead, they like stopped asking me for lunch and I could feel it was in a very small little gestures and I caught like some people like looking at me in the background and so on, but it was very minimal. Then some emails started to go to my superiors like, "Hey, what's going on?" What Pilvi was pushing against was this norm of performative busyness. The way work, especially office work done on computers without any physical products, needed to look. Why is it more okay to spend an hour of company time gossiping in the break room with a coworker than to sit quietly at your desk looking out the window? Where's the harm? I kind of reached the, the goal of that there's an unwritten rule, but there's not really a consensus of like, why this is a problem.

• 16:57Speaker 03

  Even though entirely peaceful, Pilvi says her lack of activity was threatening to some people because it didn't fit in with the general order of things. If you can stand to sit in a while, though, Pilvi says awkwardness offers space for growth. It can help you act with intention, not just on reflex. And if I don't want to be uncomfortable, then I don't learn so much about the world. So instead of immediately running and hiding the moment you, say, realize you've been rocking a price tags sticker on the front of your sweater? You let out the world's loudest sneeze during a solemn moment of silence? Or you blurt out exactly why and how awfully your day is going when that, "hey, how are you?" was clearly just a nicety?

• 17:40Speaker 03

  Try to take a pause and consider the context of the situation instead. Is the rule you feel you broke one worth following? Did you cause any actual harm? Sometimes the answer to those questions is yes, and making amends is in order. Other times, maybe it's best to shrug those cringey feelings away or to actively ignore them. Research has shown, for example, that fear of embarrassment can get in the way of health and safety. It's been shown to contribute to unsafe sex practices when people don't want to ask for advice or can't work up the courage to buy condoms. It's kept people from flagging potential medical issues for fear of looking foolish in front of their doctor and can make bystanders less likely to help a stranger in need if there are others there to judge how they act.

• 18:20Speaker 03

  Which is all to say, pausing to question and weigh out the risks of those awkward scenarios is always a good idea.

• 18:28Speaker 03

  If you never feel embarrassed about anything and you always think you're like fantastic at everything and do everything perfect, then I think something must be wrong. We all need to bear our blushes sometimes. So we're all in this together. Take away four, all for one, and one for awkward. There's power in the collective cringe. To feel embarrassed, like it kind of means you're seeing yourself through somebody else's eyes, which means you're kind of putting yourself in someone else's shoes. It's a version of empathy that unfortunately is kind of hurtful toward yourself, but it does suggest that you're able to see life from another perspective than your own. Embarrassment and empathy have a lot in common. So try to extend that emotive power outward.

• 19:09Speaker 03

  Because we could all stand to trip on each other's proverbial shoelaces a bit more, no? Eric says from a neurodivergent perspective, this is especially important to think about.

• 19:19Speaker 05

  For all the talk that we're not, that neurodivergent people are not empathetic, I actually think we are incredibly empathetic because we're trying like hell to understand the rules so that we can make neurotypical people comfortable because we don't want to be embarrassed.

• 19:34Speaker 03

  He says it doesn't take a whole lot to make more space for empathy and social awkwardness.

• 19:38Speaker 05

  I think it's just about recognizing that not everybody functions the way that you do. I think that what a lot of times you could do is you could kind of be a liaison for your friends.

• 19:47Speaker 03

  For example, Eric talked about a colleague of his who has an autistic son and helped advocate for Eric at work. Once, his editors reached Shout to him like, hey, we really like Eric, but sometimes he can go on too long at editorial meetings. What do we do?

• 20:00Speaker 05

  He says, we'll talk to him about it or like have an invisible signal. So like in editorial meetings, if I was going on too long, there would be like hand signals or things like that. That was really helpful, like being a, being somebody who's willing to interpret and guide can be really valuable.

• 20:14Speaker 03

  Beyond that, Melissa says awkwardness can be a signal of opportunity to do better in larger, structural ways, too. In her book, she pointed to the End the Awkward Campaign in the UK, for example, which works to combat the awkwardness people feel speaking with or even just being around disabled people. And Thai says, don't forget the unique strengths of awkward people. Like, for example.

• 20:34Speaker 02

  If I want an opinion about an outfit, I'm not going to ask my socially fluent friends. You know, I'm going to ask an awkward friend because they'll actually tell you. You know, that looks terrible.

• 20:43Speaker 03

  Also, because awkward people have tendencies towards obsessive interests that can also lead to extraordinary outcomes.

• 20:49Speaker 02

  So there's this strong correlation between social awkwardness and creativity, social awkwardness and innovation. And so awkward people can add to our professional lives or even our social lives with these unique solutions to situations through their obsessive interests and through this unusual perspective that they have on the world.

• 21:11Speaker 03

  The thing about these self-conscious emotions is if we let them, they can be really isolating. But clearly, we all stand to benefit from embracing the awkwardness in ourselves and in others and doing what we can to make the most of our embarrassing moments. These feelings are just so wrapped up in empathy and connectedness. Even the like most outwardly confident presenting person experiences these feelings. I came to see these moments as potential moments for connection with people. Even if it's horrible in the moment, you just have to remember that like it's going to make a really good story eventually.

• 21:52Speaker 03

  Okay, did that story go on for like way too long? Oh my god, so embarrassing. I'm sorry. Time for a quick, quick recap.

• 22:02Speaker 03

  Takeaway one: embarrassment and awkwardness are the result of the self in our heads being at odds with the self out in the world. This can be tough, especially if you struggle navigating social norms. But, good news, no one notices or cares about your mistakes nearly as much as you do. Takeaway two: lighten up and laugh it off. When dealing with awkward moments in real time, don't ignore or avoid. Face them head on and with a light touch. Give yourself as much grace as you would a friend and move on. Takeaway three: challenge the source of your social discomfort. Before you let your embarrassment take the wheel, consider the context of your awkward situation. Did you actually break any rules? Did you cause any real harm? Takeaway four: remember, everybody's awkward.

• 22:46Speaker 03

  There's power in that shared experience, in big ways and small.

• 22:55Marielle Segarra?

  That was Life Kit reporter Andy Tagle. For more Life Kit, check out our other episodes. We've got one on working through feelings of guilt and another on how to get rid of negative self-talk. You can find those at npr.org/lifekit. And if you love Life Kit and want even more, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org/lifekitnewsletter. Also, we love hearing from you, so if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email us at [email protected]. This episode of Life Kit was produced by Margaret Serino. It was edited by Claire Marie Schneider and Megan Cain. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan and our digital editor is Malika Gharib. Megan Cain is our supervising editor and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Sylvie Douglas and Sam Yella-Horse Kessler.

• 23:38Marielle Segarra?

  Engineering support comes from Zo Ving and Hoven. Special thanks to Joe Shapiro. I'm Marielle Segarra. Thanks for listening.