How to support a loved one through cancer treatment

If you have a friend or family member diagnosed with cancer or another serious illness, all you want to do is help. But where do you start? What if you say the wrong thing or don't show up in the right ways? In this episode, we go over different ways to offer support. No matter what your strengths are, we have ideas to get you started. Sign up for our newsletter series on credit card debt. Follow us on Instagram: @nprlifekitSign up for our newsletter here. Have an episode idea or feedback you want to share? Email us at [email protected] the show and listen to it sponsor-free by signing up for Life Kit+ at plus.npr.org/lifekitLearn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

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• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:20Marielle Segarra?

  You're listening to Life Kit.

• 0:23Marielle Segarra?

  From NPR. Hey, it's Marielle. I finished treatment for cancer a little over a year ago. Around that time, I was finally feeling well enough to take a trip. And I went to Arizona for a few days to be in nature, see some cactuses. My friend Zoe Saunders texted me while I was there. She knew someone else whose friend had the same kind of cancer that I did. So Zoe asked me, what advice did I have? As someone who just finished treatment, what was helpful and what wasn't? I sent her this voice memo.

• 0:55Speaker 02

  Hey, I am sitting in the Red Rocks of Sedona right now. It's really beautiful here.

• 1:04Speaker 02

  I wanted to answer your question, though.

• 1:07Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah, I know I sound kind of dreamy and dazed. Sedona is a spiritual place. And a moment before, I'd just been sitting quietly, meditating on life and death. I had some specific suggestions for Zoe, and also a big-picture one.

• 1:22Speaker 02

  I found that for me, going through it, I just tried to let people help in the way that came naturally to them and not expect things from people that they didn't naturally offer, if that makes any sense. Like, sometimes we want people to fill a role in our life that they're not, like, naturally good at, but they're good at other things.

• 1:46Marielle Segarra?

  The voice memo went on for a couple of minutes, but after I sent it, we both realized this was kind of a mini-episode of Life Kit. So let's make that official, yeah? On this episode of Life Kit, how to help someone who's going through cancer treatment. About 39% of Americans will be diagnosed with cancer at some point in their lives, according to the National Cancer Institute. So it will probably happen to someone you love and want to show up for. I learned a lot going through treatment, and I'm going to share some of my tips with you, plus advice from other people who've had cancer or supported someone with it. Because when you love someone with cancer or another serious illness, all you want to do is help, but you might not know how. This episode is for you.

• 2:30Speaker 00

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• 3:55Marielle Segarra?

  OK, before we jump into the episode, I want to share some other exciting things that Life Kit is working on. There is a staggering amount of credit card debt in America, $1.21 trillion in 2025, to be exact. And even if your credit card debt is a much, much smaller number, it can feel like it might as well be in the trillions. So we made a special newsletter series to help you tackle your credit card debt. We'll walk you through everything from tracking your spending to picking a debt payment plan you'll actually stick to. You can sign up at npr.org/creditcarddebt or you can find the link in the description for this episode.

• 4:38Marielle Segarra?

  Like I said to Zoe, when I went through treatment, I tried to let people offer help in a way that came naturally to them. And I tried not to resent anyone for the things they didn't do. You know, some folks are great listeners and they know how to give you that warm, cozy, emotional support. Some folks are great planners, or they're super practical. Some have medical training or connections and they can help you get appointments with the right doctors. We all have strengths. I tried to let people use theirs. So takeaway one, for the people supporting someone with cancer, think about what you're good at and what you in particular might offer your person at this moment. If you're not sure where to start, consider some of the things this person might need help with. For instance, you could offer to be a doctor appointment buddy.

• 5:23Marielle Segarra?

  I brought someone with me to every appointment in the early days. I was meeting with lots of doctors, getting second and third opinions, and I wanted someone there who could take notes, ask follow-up questions, and be relatively unemotional about the whole thing. So I asked some friends who were audio producers. Zoe came to my first appointment with my surgeon.

• 5:41Speaker 04

  I wasn't quite sure what to expect, so I brought a Mary Poppins bag full of every possible emergency supply we could need. I brought extra masks, like COVID protection masks. I brought hand sanitizer. I brought a lot of tissues. I brought some snacks. And I brought some chocolates as a treat to reward her for being brave through this appointment.

• 6:09Marielle Segarra?

  We prepared a list of questions ahead of time. And then when we went into the appointment, she let me take the lead.

• 6:15Speaker 04

  But at the very end, when Marielle had finished asking everything, she looked at me and asked, "Anything else?" And I was able to look down at the list and say, "Oh, we wanted to double-check about the dosage of that medication." Or, "We wanted to ask about potential conflicts between these two different treatments," or "What side effects we might have to worry about." So basically, I acted almost as a producer for her.

• 6:40Marielle Segarra?

  She also typed up her notes and sent them to me later. And when I sent her medical journal articles comparing different treatment options, she'd read through them and put together some bullet points, takeaways from my situation, and questions the articles raised. If you think you're the kind of person who would do well as an appointment buddy, offer your services, you might be especially well-suited if you do have a medical background. Rich Coker's wife, Maya, was diagnosed with cancer in 2024.

• 7:06Speaker 05

  A couple of doctor friends went with her to the early appointments as sort of patient advocates, asking the questions we wouldn't know to ask in our shock at the news and the newness to these systems.

• 7:16Marielle Segarra?

  You could also go with your person to their scans, or surgeries, or radiation, or chemo appointments. These will be a bit different from a standard doctor's appointment because they're less about asking questions and taking notes, and more about providing emotional and physical support, and advocating for them as needed. Everybody's experience is different, but when I did chemo, I was there for seven hours. I used something called a cold cap to preserve my hair follicles, and it was absolutely freezing and heavy. It felt like having a frozen bowling ball strapped to my head. I was in pain, and I was cold, so it was important to have someone there who was comfortable touching me and cuddling up with me to warm me up, and who wasn't afraid to talk to a nurse

• 7:57Marielle Segarra?

  and be a little pushy if I wasn't getting the medication I needed. I also wanted someone who could make me laugh, and who wouldn't be uncomfortable when I started praying the rosary. So I had four infusions, and I brought my mom, my dad, my godmother, and my cousin. Indira White was diagnosed with breast cancer in June 2023. Her friend Kathy came to her infusions. She says she could talk to Kathy for hours, but also during chemo.

• 8:24Speaker 06

  Sometimes you don't feel like talking. Like, a lot of the times, you know, I slept, or I just was so tired that I couldn't even do that. So, maybe somebody who's comfortable with just being, you know, just being there.

• 8:39Marielle Segarra?

  So these are some of the qualities you might want to have if you're going to chemo or other procedures with someone.

• 8:46Marielle Segarra?

  Another bit of help you could offer is to be with this person during their low moments after surgeries or infusions.

• 8:52Speaker 06

  When those side effects start to hit and it's ugly, I think there's a certain kind of person who can handle that and be okay with that.

• 9:01Marielle Segarra?

  For this, you kind of have to have a strong stomach. You might see blood or burns. You might see the person just completely wiped out. I did chemo on Fridays, and the Mondays after were always the hardest for me. I had a friend who would come by and bring me lentil soup because I was craving it, and it's creamy, which often feels good after chemo when you develop mouth sores and lose your sense of taste. She brought me little presents, like a headscarf with pasta shapes on it. And as I lay on the couch, she sat on the floor and held my hand. Ask yourself, are you able to be that friend? It's okay if the answer is no. We've got other ideas for you, too. Are you good at organizing and planning?

• 9:43Marielle Segarra?

  Rich says when his wife Maya got sick, their friend created a WhatsApp group and a calendar.

• 9:49Speaker 05

  Where people could sign up to take our kids to their activities or go with my wife to appointments and chemotherapy treatments.

• 9:56Marielle Segarra?

  Another friend started a meal train that's been going on and off through a year of chemo and surgeries for Maya.

• 10:01Speaker 05

  And people keep signing up. We even had complaints that people couldn't get on quickly enough to claim a spot. When we let folks know that drop-offs were great, but staying for dinner, especially with their own kids, was even better because it gave our kids someone to play with. People came through with that, too.

• 10:17Marielle Segarra?

  Other ideas: If you have a car, offer to drive your person to appointments or procedures. If you don't mind making phone calls, help them make appointments and deal with medical billing offices. If you live far away, send them a card. Tell them what you love about them.

• 10:31Speaker 07

  It's helpful to have people say, you know, I've always admired you for your... Fill in the blank, your strength, your humor, your whatever.

• 10:40Marielle Segarra?

  This is Deborah Jarvis. She hosts a podcast called The Final Say, Conversations With People Facing Death. She's also a hospital chaplain in Seattle, and she had breast cancer.

• 10:51Speaker 07

  People tend to feel crappy about themselves when they get a diagnosis, even though you know and I know, you don't bring this on yourself. But having someone just give you some honest and authentic compliments, especially when you're getting all of this kind of negative news about your health, so that was really helpful.

• 11:13Marielle Segarra?

  You can also send gift cards for food delivery, or have a meal delivered to their house when you know they're home. And of course, if you live nearby, you can drop the food off. While you're thinking about what help you can offer, you should also consider who your friend is, what they like, what kind of help they'd be willing to accept, and also the specifics of their situation that they shared with you. That's takeaway two. I have one friend who went through cancer treatment, and she's really independent. She doesn't like having friends buy her things or do things for her. But she does like to hear about smart hacks and free services and other practical advice. If you have a friend like this, look for resources they might appreciate. You know, this group offers free house cleaning services for folks with cancer,

• 11:56Marielle Segarra?

  or this one offers free haircuts as your hair falls out or grows back again after chemo. Also, consider the other people who are taking care of your friend day to day, their partners, parents, children, and others. What do you know about them and the kind of support they need? Rich teaches high school, and he says his colleagues know him. They know that he cares deeply about his students. So they didn't tell him to just take it easy last year when his wife was sick, and, you know, do what he could.

• 12:23Speaker 05

  Instead, they would regularly stop by and offer to take on what they could to ensure that our students' learning never suffered and our standards could stay high. They made my photocopies so I could get home earlier, covered my homerooms so I could get my own kids to school. One teacher even took some of my grading home over the weekend so students could have prompt feedback on a Monday when I wouldn't be in.

• 12:45Marielle Segarra?

  You also want to listen carefully when the person who has cancer tells you how they're feeling and what feels good to them right now, because that'll give you some ideas. Sometimes people going through chemo love sour candy because they can taste it despite losing some of their sense of taste in the week or so after an infusion. Women who have chemo often get severe hot flashes because the chemo puts their body into a chemically induced menopause. Zoe heard me talk about that and bought me a set of bamboo sheets that are cool to the touch. Little handheld fans can be helpful, too. When Deborah had a mastectomy, she didn't realize how sensitive her scar would be.

• 13:21Speaker 07

  And plus, I had a port, so, ooh, that's sensitive, too. And I had a regular fleece robe, and it felt too scratchy.

• 13:29Marielle Segarra?

  As a surprise, her friend gifted her a super soft, furry bathrobe. Basically, you want to think about this person's lived experience. What is their body feeling like? What are they actually about to go through? And what can you do to prop them up at this time? After the break, we'll have more tips on how to help someone you love through cancer treatment.

• 13:51Speaker 00

  Stay tuned for the following announcements and messages from our sponsors. This message comes from Quo. You're on a job, in a meeting, slammed, and a customer calls. If nobody picks up, they go to your competitor. That's why over 90,000 companies choose Quo, the business phone system built for busy teams. Smart call routing sends calls to the right person. Shared numbers let your team cover for each other, and an AI agent picks up when nobody can, capturing every lead so nothing falls through the cracks. Always say hello with Quo. Try it free at quo.com/NPR.

• 14:30Speaker 08

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• 14:46Marielle Segarra?

  A lot of the time, when a friend is sick, we ask them questions, like, what do you need? Or how can I help? The thing is, that person is going through a moment of crisis. They have a million decisions to make about their health. Which surgeries should I do? Am I going to do chemo? Which doctor or hospital do I trust the most? They may not have the time or mental capacity to think about how you can help them. So if you want to support someone with cancer, take initiative. That's takeaway three. When Indy's friend visited her during treatment, she didn't wait for someone to tell her what chores needed doing. She just got to work.

• 15:23Speaker 06

  We're just hanging out and she'll start folding something or doing the dishes or just tidying something up. And that was really helpful.

• 15:32Marielle Segarra?

  This is one of the biggest gifts you can give to someone who's going through cancer treatment, to take on some of their day-to-day mental load. We talked about food. Offering to bring over dinner is another great way to do this. That saves the person a trip to the grocery store and the energy of cooking, but it also saves them having to think through, what am I going to eat tonight? In general, rather than asking, what can I do? Make a specific offer. Say, hey, I'm in your neighborhood and I have 30 minutes. Can I come do a load of laundry for you? Can I come by and walk the dog? I'd love to bring you a smoothie.

• 16:04Speaker 06

  I have some friends who offer to rub my feet. And I'm like, yes, please. I don't think it's something I would have asked for, but I'm like, yes, I absolutely need that. Thank you for offering.

• 16:16Marielle Segarra?

  And you don't need to be nearby to take initiative. A lot of people would ask for my address and then just send me a care package. I did the same when one of my family members was diagnosed with breast cancer. I sent her a bra that zips in the front, making it easier to put on and take off right after surgery. And I sent a salve made with calendula and olive oil, which I found really soothing for radiation burns. Another example of someone taking initiative. Liesl Kristensen was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years ago when she was 37. She had a double mastectomy and decided to go flat after because of the risk of complications with reconstruction. A week after her surgery, she was at a low point.

• 16:53Speaker 09

  I felt like a monster. Nothing was cheering me up. I was the most depressed I had been through the entire process. I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to sleep. I didn't want to run or smile or be with anyone. Everything reminded me of what I had lost. I questioned my choice and my decision. I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror.

• 17:12Marielle Segarra?

  One night, a friend came by with a gift for her. Her friend had been widowed twice and was familiar with deep grief.

• 17:19Speaker 09

  She had gone to the store and bought me new cute tank tops, pajamas, robes, and beautiful cover-ups. She did this without asking. She told me maybe she thought it would be nice for me to start with some new clothes with my new body. She didn't try to make it better. She just sat with me in my grief and gave me something for a fresh start. That was exactly what I needed in that very low moment. I'm so grateful she was able to understand that I needed someone who was comfortable being with me as I grieved, and not waiting for me to ask them for things, but jumping up and making something happen.

• 17:50Marielle Segarra?

  One of the things I think is beautiful about that story is that Liesel's friend didn't try to fix everything for her. She made a simple gesture, but it meant so much. And that's partly because she showed up and she was present. That brings me to our final takeaway. We've talked a lot about what you can do and bring to your friend, but when you're there, what do you actually talk about? Takeaway four: Remember you're there to support the other person. Don't impose your feelings and fears on them, or think you have to fix everything. When you love someone and they're in pain, you might feel the impulse to make everything better or offer them the perfect pearl of wisdom. But Deborah says we need to meet people where they are that day.

• 18:35Speaker 07

  Your agenda should be, I'm going to be with you and be totally present in this moment to whatever comes up.

• 18:42Marielle Segarra?

  When you go through a health crisis like this, your mood and your perspective on the situation is going to shift depending on the day. Some days, you need a cheerleader who's like, "Come on, you can do this." And some days, that's going to annoy the crap out of you. Some days, you want a friend to give you practical advice, and other days, you just want them to listen. So if you're the person supporting someone with cancer, Deborah suggests that you ask a simple question when you talk to them.

• 19:07Speaker 07

  I would say something kind of general and innocuous, like, "Hey, so where are you with all this today?" And then just wait. And they may give you an answer. And then I would say, "Wait a little more." And then the real answer might come out. I just recently, last week, talked to a friend who has stage four lung cancer, diagnosed like six weeks ago, stage four, like boom. She's great. She said, "I'm great. I got so much community support. And, you know, this is happening, and so and so brought me that." And I could just tell, okay, that's where we're going to be today.

• 19:49Marielle Segarra?

  You may not always know what to say to your friend, but curiosity is a good start. Meanwhile, Deborah says, there are some things not to say.

• 19:58Speaker 07

  It's really unhelpful, I can't believe I actually had this happen, to talk about people you know who have died

• 20:07Speaker 07

  of your cancer. I'm like, holy Jesus, God and all the saints, what are you thinking? And this one woman just went into this gruesome detail. I'm like, why are you telling me that? So, don't tell me who has died of this cancer.

• 20:25Marielle Segarra?

  Deborah says it's also not helpful to ask someone a million questions about how they found their cancer, or whether they have a family history, when what you're really trying to do is soothe your own fears that you're going to get cancer.

• 20:37Speaker 07

  You know, like, did you get a bracket test? Did you get this? Do you, it's like, that doesn't matter. What is really going on with you?

• 20:45Marielle Segarra?

  And she says it's not helpful to tell people what their experience means and how they're going to feel. She had somebody say to her,

• 20:53Speaker 07

  Oh, well, now you're going to start thinking about death, and you're going to know what life really means. And, you know, this is your spiritual wake-up call. I mean, keep in mind that at that point, yeah, I'd been a hospital chaplain for like 30 years. I'm like, dude, I would so choke you to death, but I can't raise my right arm.

• 21:18Speaker 07

  You know, just like, what? Or telling somebody how they're going to feel, you know, like, oh, during this, you're going to just feel so grateful for your healthcare and your nurses and your doctors. No, you may just be really pissed off about the whole thing.

• 21:34Marielle Segarra?

  Remember, you don't have to be the person who makes this all better for someone, or who says that one thing that's so wise, it gives them an entirely new perspective. Sometimes the best thing you can do is listen. Ruth Gase is a rabbi and a board-certified chaplain. She's listened to many stories from cancer patients and their families over the years.

• 21:54Speaker 10

  The best advice I can offer is not to offer advice, but to be as King Solomon, who asked that God grant him the courage and generosity to be a lev shomaia, a hearing heart. That is, listen with your heart. Bring meals and whatever physical comfort is required, but number one, listen.

• 22:15Speaker 10

  Just listening can be scary. Be forewarned. You may not find solace, but so be it. Be that hearing heart. You will be a blessing.

• 22:28Marielle Segarra?

  OK, it's time for a recap. Takeaway one, for the people supporting someone with cancer, think about what you're good at and what you in particular might offer them at this moment. Takeaway two, while you're thinking about what help you can offer, also consider who this person is, what they like, what kind of help they'd be willing to accept, and the specifics of their situation that they shared with you. Takeaway three, if you want to support someone with cancer, take initiative. And takeaway four, remember, you're there to support them. Don't impose your feelings and fears on them or think you have to fix everything.

• 23:06Marielle Segarra?

  And that's our show. By the way, did you know that Life Kit has its own newsletter? We have so many smart, supportive listeners that send us amazing tips, and they're often featured. If you want to be a part of that community, subscribe at npr.org/lifekitnewsletter. This episode of Life Kit was produced by Claire Marie Schneider. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan, and our digital editor is Malika Gharib. Megan Cain is our senior supervising editor, and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Tagel, Margaret Serino, and Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support comes from Tiffany Vera Castro. I'm Marielle Segarra. Thank you for listening.

• 23:53Speaker 08

  Stay tuned for the following announcements and messages from our sponsors.