How to be a working parent? Lower your standards

From brain fog to identity crises to complicated feelings of guilt (or relief), returning to work as a new parent can be daunting. Luckily, you don't need to navigate this transition alone. Life Kit reporter Andee Tagle talks to working parents and experts about how to balance a job, parenting and being a person all at once. Follow us on Instagram: @nprlifekit https://www.instagram.com/nprlifekit/?hl=en Sign up for our newsletter here. https://www.npr.org/newsletter/life-kit Have an episode idea or feedback you want to share? Email us at [email protected] mailto:[email protected] Support the show and listen to it sponsor-free by signing up for Life Kit+ at plus.npr.org/lifekit http://plus.npr.org/lifekit See pcm.adswizz.com https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for sponsorship and to manage your podcast sponsorship preferences. NPR Privacy Policy https://www.npr.org/about-npr/179878450/privacy-policy

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• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:17Marielle Segarra?

  You're listening to Life Kit from NPR.

• 0:22Marielle Segarra?

  Hi there. I'm Marielle. I'll be onboarding you today.

• 0:27Marielle Segarra?

  Welcome to your unofficial orientation to working parenthood. Now, lucky for you, I'm not going to send you down to the front office to get your ID photo taken. And you don't have to get a laptop set up with IT. But if you open your welcome packet, you'll see that you have your work cut out for you. Going from worker to parent to working parent is no small task, especially if you're making the transition soon after your baby is born, as a lot of us in the US do.

• 0:52Speaker 02

  What people are doing is they're learning two new roles really fast, under a lot of pressure, with lack of sleep and zero guidance and zero support. And it doesn't have to be that way. It's a ridiculous way to do things.

• 1:07Marielle Segarra?

  Amy Beacom is the founder and CEO of the Center for Parental Leave Leadership. It's a consulting firm that helps employers and working parents navigate parental leave. And she says there are things you can do to set yourself up for success here. For instance, before you even go on parental leave.

• 1:23Speaker 02

  I often say the best way to prepare for leave is to plan your return.

• 1:27Marielle Segarra?

  You know when you're supposed to report back, so come up with a plan, even if it has to change later.

• 1:32Speaker 02

  Start to put in mind, where do you want to be? What does your schedule look like for you? So everyone is thinking about that reentry even before you go.

• 1:44Marielle Segarra?

  One tip here, you can ask for a brief check-in from your employer before you come back. That way, you're not totally in the dark.

• 1:51Speaker 02

  Rather than, I haven't talked to anybody in three months. I don't know what's going on at work. And I am this person who is just barely beginning to lift my head up.

• 2:05Marielle Segarra?

  Now, if you are about to return to work or you're already back, don't worry, you're still in the right conference room. There are things you can do to help yourself at this moment. And this episode is worth your time, because even though this is a really big deal in the life of a person who's returning to work after having a baby, not many employers in America offer tools or training to help.

• 2:28Marielle Segarra?

  On this episode of Life Kit, how to be a worker, a parent, and a person all at once. Life Kit reporter and working parent Andy Tagle talks with experts about mom guilt, dad brain, and how we can step into this new, expanded identity. Amy says you don't have to choose just one hat or the other, parent or employee.

• 2:49Speaker 02

  When done well and supported well, they can really enhance each other. You know, if you can raise a child, you can build a company. And we've spent so much time separating these two and saying, we don't talk about that. That's personal. It's just wrong and it's overdue for a change.

• 3:06Marielle Segarra?

  That's coming up after the break.

• 3:19Speaker 00

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• 4:51Speaker 05

  Okay, team, gather up. Thanks again for joining this session of The New Working You. Did everyone grab some coffee, a snack? Great. Our first order of business, timekeeping best practices. Now, I hear you're all looking to work the 50/50 work-life balance shift. Is that right? Well, I don't know. We'll take it up with management. Takeaway one, find how work can work better for you. Your workplace will often only be as flexible as you ask them to be. When Amy got pregnant, she was teaching about work-life balance as a doctoral student studying organizational psychology at Columbia University.

• 5:35Speaker 05

  So she thought if anyone would be well-equipped for the transition from worker to working parent, it would be her. Then she had an unplanned C-section and trouble breastfeeding and postpartum depression that turned into postpartum psychosis. At three weeks postpartum, when she had originally planned to return to work, she found herself unable to even lift her child.

• 5:59Speaker 02

  Let alone imagine going back to work. I just was like, how can we be overlooking this? What is happening here? There's no language, there's no structure, there's no procedure. Like, what have we done? How have we missed this?

• 6:13Speaker 05

  Now she works to close that gap for other new parents. So if you're listening to this because you have to go back to work on Monday and you are absolutely dreading it, she gets it. And she says, totally understandable. But there's something that people often miss about the dynamic of coming back, from paid leave especially.

• 6:35Speaker 02

  They don't want you to leave. They don't want to miss your contribution to the organization. If you're a salaried worker, they want you back. They want you happy. They want you engaged and supported and loving your work.

• 6:51Speaker 05

  She says too often, returning parents just assume their jobs don't have any flexibility.

• 6:56Speaker 02

  And so they don't ask. Just because it's never been done or you don't think it can be done, don't let that stop you.

• 7:05Speaker 05

  Think about your ideal return. The first day, week, month.

• 7:10Speaker 05

  What kind of planning could help you breathe just a little easier on that first day back? One simple idea I thought was genius. Plan to return on a Wednesday or a Thursday, or your mid-workweek equivalent. For office workers at least, those first few days back can often be bogged down by catching up, admin, troubleshooting. So that gives you time to quietly warm up, clear your inbox, and then come back full swing the following Monday.

• 7:35Speaker 02

  One parent wanted to come back twice a week for three weeks, and then three days a week for two weeks, and then four days a week for three more weeks, and then full time. She phased her way back in because that was the transition she needed.

• 7:52Speaker 05

  Another idea on that front? If you can swing it, starting childcare a few days or even a week early, even if just for a few hours, so that you don't have to deal with the shock of both going back to work and passing off your precious little one at the same time. Or maybe just a small time shift would make a world of difference. Amy told me about one mom she worked with who nervously asked her boss to end her day at 5:00 instead of 5:30 because it could save her over an hour in commute traffic. Her boss agreed to the change, but didn't just stop there. The company had an open floor plan. At 5 o'clock, he stood up, called over to this new mom, and said,

• 8:31Speaker 02

  "Time to go," and walked out with her. What that said to the whole team was, Sally ends at 5:00, I end at 5:00 with her. He was actively creating a culture of support for new parents.

• 8:45Speaker 05

  All this to say, there are a lot of ways to stretch and shift a work schedule if you can get a little creative. I know it's not always that easy to make a change, but in case you have any doubt, it is in an employer's best interest to work with you. Studies show family-friendly business practices pay off as much for workplaces as they do for working parents.

• 9:10Speaker 05

  All right, next step, let's learn about your new workstation. I'm sure you've heard around the water cooler. The internal working parent operating system is a tad more complicated than your old program. Takeaway two. Warning, dueling identities can cause internal system overload. There's no right way to feel about your return, so be easy on yourself as you reboot.

• 9:36Speaker 05

  So, your routine is abandoned. Your sleep is, let's just not talk about it. You've got 500 new worries on your brain at any given moment. Your body might be aching, leaking, and stretching in lots of fun new ways. And also, you experience new heights and depths of joy every single day.

• 9:57Speaker 05

  Your life feels infinitely more purposeful.

• 10:00Speaker 06

  In parenting, there's so much more than one thing can be true at the same time.

• 10:05Speaker 05

  This is a relationship coach and dad of two, Aaron Steinberg. You might recognize him from our episode on how to baby-proof your romantic relationship. If not, please do add that one to your queue right after this. He says, "One of the hardest parts about this time is learning to reconcile the person you are now and that person that took your employee badge photo."

• 10:25Speaker 06

  All of a sudden, there's this exploded new identity, which is so vast and so different, I think, than anything that we've had before. And so already, we're like a little mushy. You know, we've become like a multi-exposed photo where we're not really sure who we are anymore.

• 10:42Speaker 05

  Of course, you're not the same person that last clocked out. But also, you still kind of want to be while simultaneously doing nothing else but watching that kid grow. Honestly, for me, that first day back was so confusing. I just all-out sobbed until my first morning meeting.

• 10:59Speaker 06

  You don't feel like you're doing a good job parenting, and you also don't feel like you're doing a good job at your job. And so you just feel like you're kind of failing all around. And like, half a good job at each does not equal one. It's like you got smaller, you know?

• 11:15Speaker 05

  Another common first day sentiment.

• 11:18Speaker 05

  Relief. Yeah, on leave, you might have taken a break from paid employment, but parenting full-time is work. Let no one say otherwise. And for many,

• 11:30Speaker 06

  parenting is just way more overstimulating and way more difficult than our job. Your freedom is very limited about the things that you can do, the ways you can take care of yourself.

• 11:40Speaker 05

  There's no best or boilerplate way to feel. So do yourself a favor and pack some extra self-compassion alongside your sandwich today. Well, yeah, I know you want to give everyone 100%, but you're only one person with a finite amount of energy.

• 11:55Speaker 06

  Maybe it's a byproduct of the modern world. I don't know. It's all trade-offs.

• 12:00Speaker 05

  If you're on the early shift tomorrow, should you really take all the night feedings tonight, too? Does the bathroom need to be spotless more than your kid needs cuddles? Dad? Mom? Will the company stop running if you let the emails wait until morning?

• 12:14Speaker 07

  I always say to myself, none of this matters.

• 12:18Speaker 05

  Reshma Sajani is a lot of things. A lawyer, an author, an activist, a founder of two major nonprofits working towards gender equality, and a working mom of two on top of all of that.

• 12:31Speaker 07

  Like, at the end of the day, what matters is my family, is my friends, is like my spiritual life. And I think that you have to be able to evaluate, what do I really need to get done? And what is this sense of like, I'm doing this because I have to prove that I have to be productive?

• 12:50Speaker 05

  Working parenthood is full of hard choices, sacrifices, or both simultaneously. To say nothing of the brain fog, the spit-up on your best work shirts, the spats with your spouse, the late nights, the learning curves, the general and pervasive fear you're getting it all wrong. So this could be a useful barometer to cut through some of the chaos. What's a real need versus just a gold star on your record? How much pressure is self-imposed? And how much is out of your control? Reshma says it's crucial to remember that for a lot of Americans, being a parent is a uniquely difficult endeavor.

• 13:28Speaker 07

  We're the only industrialized nation that doesn't have paid leave. One in four women go back to work two weeks after having a baby.

• 13:35Speaker 05

  No federal paid leave, that is.

• 13:39Speaker 05

  According to recent data from LendingTree, childcare for two kids exceeds monthly rent in most metro areas in the US. And over half of parents have gone into debt to pay for child-related expenses.

• 13:51Speaker 07

  Which means, you know, if the car breaks down, if their partner has a health scare, like they are one crisis away from financial ruin.

• 14:00Speaker 05

  That's part of why Reshma founded Moms First, an organization, quote, "fighting for America's moms and policies like affordable childcare and paid leave." Because in many, many other countries, it is just not a thing to have to choose between your health, financial stability, or your child's safety. So the next time you feel overcome by guilt, when you have to drop off your little one at daycare, or you drop the ball at work because the baby didn't sleep or got sick, remember, you're not struggling simply because you're not trying hard enough.

• 14:36Speaker 07

  Not because we need more confidence, not because we have to color code our calendar. We don't have the structural support in order to both be a mother and actually participate in the workforce.

• 14:48Speaker 05

  And dads need help in this arena, too.

• 14:51Speaker 06

  Sometimes it's correct to feel sad. I haven't been with my child for five nights in a row, and I'm sure they miss me, and I do feel guilty about that, and I wish that weren't the case. The answer isn't necessarily feel no guilt. It's like, just allow yourself to feel that without then adding on to it.

• 15:09Speaker 05

  And it's important to note on this front. It's okay and very common to not feel okay. One in five new moms and one in 10 new dads will experience a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, like OCD, postpartum depression, or psychosis. These numbers are based on biological parentage, just FYI. Post-adoption rates are more variable. But in any case, there's a lot of help out there readily available. If you're in need of emotional support quickly, you can call or text 988, that's the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. You can find a free perinatal mental health screening through the Center for Parental Leave Leadership website,

• 15:51Speaker 05

  and you can find a lot of other great resources through Postpartum Support International. I also want to mention that if you're a single parent, our experts said that last bit, seeking and accepting help, is especially important.

• 16:06Speaker 05

  Might feel especially hard to do.

• 16:08Speaker 06

  You have to be graceful with yourself and say, when I weigh all the things of like what my family unit needs, you know, I'm doing the best that I can. Noticing places in which you might be attached to not being a burden or not being seen as weak and, you know, look deeper into what's available to you in terms of resources.

• 16:30Speaker 05

  Support groups like Parents Without Partners or Single Parent Advocate are great places to start. You can also look online for programs specific to your area. The Single Parent Project, for example, based in Utah, offers grants for some parents who don't qualify for traditional government assistance.

• 16:48Speaker 05

  Let's be clear, though. No matter your career or relationship status, if you're a working parent, you're likely feeling pressed for resources. So often, too often, probably, my days and nights can feel like an unending marathon of just getting things done. And yet somehow I still go to bed feeling like five tasks behind. Can you relate?

• 17:16Speaker 05

  Let's have a one on one about it after the break.

• 17:28Speaker 03

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• 18:24Speaker 05

  You're listening to Life Kit. Next up, the all-important safety segment. Mental and emotional safety, that is. Burnout, exceeded bandwidth are super common around here. So let's talk about what you can do to set yourself up for success. Takeaway three: install emotional search protection at home and the office. Know your limits, speak up, take breaks. One of the best tools you have in your toolbox for making your life easier during this turbulent period is remove ambiguity.

• 18:58Speaker 06

  Make the things that you think are obvious, obvious anyway. A lot of times we get frustrated when we see our caregiver doing something and we think like, why would they ever do that? That's so dumb. But you know, everyone's different.

• 19:12Speaker 05

  This rule can and should apply with any of your relationships. I mean, honestly, we should never assume people can read our minds, but at this tender moment in life, especially when you've got too much on your plate and you're going 100 miles a minute every day of the week. Girl, are you sure you can even read your own mind? Be specific, double-check, ask follow-up questions, write out your directions, then have your partner proofread them. Better to measure twice and cut once than have no one to pick up the baby at daycare.

• 19:46Speaker 05

  This might feel tiresome, but it works in both directions. Like Aaron and his wife, for example, have this great exercise they do at the dinner table.

• 19:55Speaker 06

  And people really make fun of us for this, but I think it's really smart. We tell the other person what we want to be appreciated for. I say, here's what I did today that you did not see that I want to be appreciated for. And the kids see that. And so, you know, you kind of create a culture of gratitude and appreciation. And it goes really quickly if you don't have to guess.

• 20:16Speaker 05

  Another essential, according to Aaron, finding ways to reset after a hard day at work or a hard stretch with a little one. And that doesn't have to be some big vacation.

• 20:25Speaker 06

  Sure, that would be nice. I would love to give you that. But actually, you can reconnect with yourself in 10 minutes.

• 20:31Speaker 05

  Like, one of Aaron's reset activities is just walking and listening to podcasts.

• 20:37Speaker 05

  That listening often gets his creative juices flowing and helps him think up new content and book ideas. Super duper simple, right? It works for him for two reasons.

• 20:47Speaker 06

  One, I have a like part of my sense of self that's all about feeling free. And that's very inhibited in being a working parent, right? So when I'm just out in the fresh air and I'm, no one's attached to me, I feel free in that moment. I can just somehow, it just works.

• 21:02Speaker 05

  The other part sparks his creativity in a field that's exciting to him. If you don't already have a favorite or exact right thing.

• 21:09Speaker 06

  Think about like, what are my values? What do I admire in other people?

• 21:13Speaker 05

  He says, "We all have personal qualities that we can expand out into reset buttons." For example, maybe you crave novelty. So you just need to take the little one to a brand new park on the other side of town, change your walking route. Do you need to feel powerful? When was the last time you broke out those weights in the back of the closet? These examples might not sound all that exciting, but that's kind of the point.

• 21:36Speaker 06

  Well, it's not going to work unless I write a new book. I'm not going to feel like myself. And it's like, no, actually, all I need to do is think of an idea for a book and I feel like myself.

• 21:44Speaker 05

  Which brings us to the final module of our training session, performance reviews. Takeaway four, parenting changes your thinking. And the goalposts, lower the bar and give yourself, your family and your career room to grow and change.

• 22:00Speaker 02

  I think my best advice to parents is lower your standards. Don't expect that you're going to be amazing at everything.

• 22:07Speaker 05

  Darby Saxby is a brain researcher, professor of psychology at the University of Southern California, and a mom to two teenagers. Her research combines neuroscience and psychology to understand how close connections shape health and wellbeing. And her upcoming book, Dad Brain, is all about the science of fatherhood.

• 22:26Speaker 05

  She says, "No matter who you are or how you come to assume the role, man or woman, pregnancy, adoption, fostering, parenting is hugely transformational for both the brain and the body."

• 22:38Speaker 05

  I know that's not a big surprise, but she says, "We have a bad habit of celebrating the speedy, bounce back after baby narrative." You know, pregnancy weight just melts away, you bond with your baby without a single mood swing, and get right back to work without losing a beat, your word recall, or your hair.

• 22:55Speaker 05

  In reality, Darby says it can take a long time to fully adjust to parenthood, much longer than you might expect or be given your self license for.

• 23:05Speaker 02

  There's evidence that we don't really bounce back, even if we ever bounce back, until two years or maybe more. And since many people have more than one kid, that period of remodeling and adjustment can actually last even longer than those two years.

• 23:20Speaker 05

  So when you can, try to let good be good enough. There are no raises for picture perfect baby food, no valedictorian in Daddy and Me classes, or trophies for late night multitasking, which is not a real thing, just FYI.

• 23:36Speaker 02

  You know, respecting that this is a transformational time. So, you know, even if you don't get a lot of leave or any leave, being patient with yourself and recognizing that you may not be 100% for a while.

• 23:49Speaker 05

  Another idea? Work to reframe these changes not as flaws or failures, but as what they are. Adaptations. Your body rewiring itself to meet the demands of this awesome, wild new gig.

• 24:03Speaker 02

  I like to say, great parents are made, not born.

• 24:07Speaker 05

  Once that little one enters your life, your hormone levels shift and change, you have increased emotional sensitivity, you lose gray matter in parts of your brain. And listen, I know, your brain getting smaller on its face, yeah, doesn't sound great, but here's why.

• 24:23Speaker 02

  The brain is starting to work more efficiently. You're having to figure out what this little creature that can't talk to you needs and how to soothe them. You're really using your social brain and you're using your empathetic brain. And we're developing stronger, faster connections when we become new parents.

• 24:42Speaker 05

  And that growth can serve you in all arenas. Darby talked to one dad for her book, for example.

• 24:47Speaker 02

  Who told me that taking time off to be a dad made him way better at work. He said it really improved his ability to manage employees. So there are a lot of transferable skills as we're developing. Developing that empathy and that patience when working with our own young kids that can really translate into making us better, more effective workers as well.

• 25:11Speaker 05

  And then, of course, there's the purely logistical side of parenting.

• 25:14Speaker 02

  A lot of parents report that having kids, because it introduces all these new complexities, can make them more disciplined and better at just getting things done.

• 25:24Speaker 05

  Altogether, these changes are a gift that keeps on giving. Studies have shown that parenting is neuroprotective later in life, meaning the constant cognitive workout that is parenthood has a sort of anti-aging effect on your brain. And the more kids you have, the stronger and better connected your brain seems to be.

• 25:46Speaker 05

  So your Saturday nights are a different kind of wild now. So maybe you're not all that interested in moving up the corporate ladder after all. What might look or feel like a loss at first could also be a lovely new chapter in the making. What can feel hard or scary or overwhelming in the moment you might look back on with tenderness and gratitude. For now, while you're still in the thick of it, Darby's parting words of wisdom, as both a parent researcher and a parent herself, find that community, because no one is supposed to do this alone.

• 26:25Speaker 02

  So, you know, joining organizations, clubs, taking advantage of places to connect, like going to the playground with your baby and striking up a conversation. You know, not all of this is easy, but I think the more that we seek out support and we lean on people in our lives, the easier it can be to get through those first few years of early parenthood.

• 26:48Speaker 05

  And the easier it is to parent, the easier it is to make working parenthood work for you.

• 26:57Speaker 05

  All right, team, let's circle back on today's presentation and then we'll get you out of here. Takeaway one: flexibility is the name of the working parent game. There are lots of different ways to peel your workplace potato, but you're gonna have to ask for it. Takeaway two: taking on two new jobs with two new identities tends to cause a lot of feelings. Grant yourself some grace, will you? Takeaway three: be realistic about how much time and energy you have to work with from day to day. Know your limits, ask for what you need, and build in brakes and buffers where you can. And finally, takeaway four: parenting changes your mind.

• 27:38Speaker 05

  Let it, love it, lower your bar to success, and find community to help you weather the season of life.

• 27:48Marielle Segarra?

  That was Life Kit reporter Andy Tagel. This episode of Life Kit was produced by Margaret Serino. Our digital editor is Malika Gharib. Our visuals editor is CJ Ricolon. Megan Kane is our senior supervising editor, and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Claire Marie Schneider, Sylvie Douglas, and Mika Ellison. Engineering support comes from Damian Herring. Fact checking by Tyler Jones. I'm Marielle Segarra. Thanks for listening.

• 28:31Speaker 03

  Stay tuned for the following announcements and messages from our sponsors.

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