How a buddy system can help you reach your goals

It's easy to set big goals — but will you stick with them? The buddy system can help. In this episode, we talk about how to find an accountability partner and build a lasting, productive relationship. Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  This message comes from the Southern Environmental Law Center. No one voted for dirty air and water. That's why S E L C is fighting back to defend the healthy environment everyone depends on. Because it's not political, it's fundamental. Learn more at S E L C dot org.

• 0:17Marielle Segarra?

  You're listening to Life Kit from NPR.

• 0:25Marielle Segarra?

  Hey, everybody, it's Marielle. It's a classic story. We set these big resolutions on New Year's Eve and then drop them by mid-January. And this happens throughout the year, too. We have goals, but life and our routines and habits get in the way. One thing that can help is the buddy system. Francisco Ramirez, who lives in New York, kind of intuitively knew he needed this. He has this stuffed animal rabbit that he keeps on his desk.

• 0:52Speaker 02

  This is Memo, Memo the Rabbit.

• 0:54Marielle Segarra?

  Actually, he calls it Memo the High Five Rabbit because for a while, every time he finished a task.

• 0:59Speaker 02

  I would give Memo a high five and we'd celebrate. I had other versions of this with a paper squirrel. I did all sorts of fun, sort of motivating tools.

• 1:08Marielle Segarra?

  But an inanimate object could only provide so much support.

• 1:12Speaker 02

  So I remember specifically searching high and low for something that would connect me to somebody who wasn't a stuffed animal or a paper squirrel.

• 1:22Marielle Segarra?

  Francisco started searching for real-life, human accountability buddies. An accountability buddy is someone who you partner with to work on goals together. This can look a lot of different ways. You can know the person before or not. You can be working towards the same goals or different ones. But what we've heard over and over again is the buddy system works for people, keeps them accountable and motivated. People like Leah Schaefer, who lives outside of Houston.

• 1:48Speaker 03

  I would sit there in our Zoom meetings and think, I should, quote unquote, should, be able to do this alone. But there is some kind of, like, there's some magic in it. Like, it's, I highly recommend it.

• 1:58Marielle Segarra?

  On this episode of Life Kit, accountability buddies or partners, what they are, how you can find one, what to look for in this kind of relationship, and how to set yourselves up for success. Whether you're making New Year's resolutions or setting goals any time of the year, you don't have to go it alone.

• 2:24Speaker 00

  Stay tuned for the following announcements and messages from our sponsors. This message comes from Whole Foods Market. Host Thanksgiving with industry-leading quality standards from Whole Foods Market. There are no antibiotics in their meat department, ever, so carve up turkey and spiral-cut ham with peace of mind. Shop organic sides like stuffing mix and cranberry sauce from 365 Brand. And all their delectable pies are made with no high-fructose corn syrup. Gourmet Thanksgiving flavors with the quality you want, only at Whole Foods Market. This message comes from ProLon. Want to look and feel your best this fall? ProLon's five-day fasting-mimicking diet is a clinically-developed nutrition program with the goal of promoting fat loss while protecting lean body mass.

• 3:07Speaker 00

  Developed at USC's Longevity Institute, it aims to assist the body in entering a fasting-like state that helps reset metabolism, target visceral fat, and support healthy metabolic markers. Get 15% off plus a bonus gift when you subscribe at prolonlife.com/npr. This message comes from Integrative Therapeutics, makers of Cortisol Manager, named best overall ashwagandha supplement by Vogue. Use code STRESS2026 for 20% off of Cortisol Manager on amazon.com.

• 3:39Marielle Segarra?

  Leah Schaefer is writing a novel about vampires.

• 3:42Speaker 03

  And she goes to his hill-country home, and they sort of trade blood for a safe place for a little while.

• 3:48Marielle Segarra?

  The year before, Leah met her accountability buddy, Jamie. She'd written maybe one draft of this book, but this year?

• 3:55Speaker 03

  I've rewritten this three times, I think maybe, maybe three and a half. And I wrote two more books. Terrible books, but each better than the last. I definitely don't think I would have gotten the work done this last year if I hadn't had Jamie as my buddy and met every week.

• 4:12Marielle Segarra?

  We heard from Francisco Ramirez earlier. He's the one with the stuffed rabbit. He uses Focusmate, a website that matches you with a stranger, and you get on a video call, tell each other your goals, then mute yourselves for your 25, 50, or 75-minute session, and check in at the end. He's done more than 6,000 of these sessions. Yeah, he's really into it. And he's used it to stay on task with lots of things.

• 4:34Speaker 02

  Anything from knocking out contracts. Blazing through invoices, writing my book, studying French, writing thank you notes, whatever it may be.

• 4:43Marielle Segarra?

  Francisco has seen his focusmate buddies do all sorts of things, too. Practice their juggling, work on jigsaw puzzles.

• 4:49Speaker 02

  A lot of practicing a piano, a lot of tubas. Everyone's trying to play guitar.

• 4:56Speaker 02

  Somebody plays the harp. It was lovely. I met, I met her in person. She's fantastic.

• 5:01Marielle Segarra?

  I want you to think about your goals. Maybe you want to get a new job or start that business or learn how to paint. Maybe you want to cook more or do those exercises your physical therapist gave you. If you've struggled to make the time and space on your own, you might benefit from an accountability partner.

• 5:19Marielle Segarra?

  Takeaway one, accountability buddies can be powerful and effective in helping you reach all sorts of goals. Ayelit Fishback is a professor of behavioral science and marketing at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business. And she says, we need each other.

• 5:34Speaker 04

  We know that people are social animals. We know that people work in groups. People have been working in groups from the beginning of times. We do things with others and when others are not around, they are in our mind.

• 5:54Marielle Segarra?

  One related finding from Ayelit's research is that in the presence of other people, our actions feel more meaningful to us. And that's true, even if they're strangers.

• 6:03Speaker 04

  We had people in China playing badminton as part of some event. And when there were more people in the audience, they felt that they either contributed more to the win or contributed more to the loss, but that they, what they did mattered.

• 6:20Marielle Segarra?

  So this might be one reason accountability buddies work for people. Another is that we've been conditioned to do well in this setup where we have to report our progress to somebody else. Cynthia Pang is the founder and CEO of the career coaching firm, Embrace Change.

• 6:34Speaker 05

  Most of us grew up through some sort of school system. Where there's a lot of structure and you have to do things on a certain timeline within this container, turn things in, someone else is grading, like, there's that entire dynamic. And so it becomes really ingrained.

• 6:49Marielle Segarra?

  Cynthia says accountability buddies can also help because they create defaults in our lives.

• 6:54Speaker 05

  We've got 1,000 reasons why we shouldn't do the thing. But if it's like a standing situation and you just get into that routine, it will just become reflexive. You know, you don't make room for that risk that you're gonna fall off the wagon.

• 7:10Marielle Segarra?

  By the way, the social pressure that comes with having an accountability buddy might work especially well on you if you're the kind of person who likes to please others. So, you want to try it out? Takeaway two: Look for an accountability buddy who's reliable, who wants to see you succeed, and who can encourage you in a way that fits both of your personalities.

• 7:30Speaker 02

  I find the accountability buddies that might be the most helpful are the ones who are going to show up.

• 7:37Marielle Segarra?

  You know that friend who's a lot of fun, but who cancels plans half the time? Or who says they're coming to the party and then they don't come? Or they say they're not coming, and then they do come? Yeah, they're not your best bet for an accountability buddy. No, you want Steady Eddie. You want Reliable Rhonda. And you want the person who's counting on you to show up, too.

• 7:57Speaker 05

  I would look more for character traits of people who have a certain level of discipline around these things and also are not afraid to be like, hey, Marielle, we said we would do this. I know that you don't want to, but I'm gonna be here at this time, so please come.

• 8:12Marielle Segarra?

  As you're auditioning, folks, for this role, also consider what kind of encouragement you like. What motivates you? Daniel Wood is 35. He's a graphics reporter at NPR. He lives in a suburb outside of DC. And three days a week, he meets up with other neighborhood dads to pump iron.

• 8:29Speaker 06

  We get a text every night, the night before, 5:45 a.m. It's all it says. It's 5:45 a.m. And there's sort of an expectation that if you're not gonna be there, then the person's gonna bug you the next time you see them.

• 8:41Marielle Segarra?

  Now, if he has a good reason, maybe they'll cut him some slack. But if he just slept in or something, he's gonna hear about it. And that works for him.

• 8:48Speaker 06

  The optimal amount of shaming in the world is not zero, especially if you consent to it.

• 8:52Marielle Segarra?

  See, for me, the shaming would backfire. I'd get annoyed and stop showing up. Me, I don't want tough love. I don't want a boot camp instructor. I want a cheerleader. And also, somebody who'll show up, remind me how much I've accomplished, and tell me to keep going. Cynthia says, whatever it is you need, tell your prospective partners.

• 9:11Speaker 05

  Then it's great to explain that to the other person so that they can also be like, yes, I can do that. Or to be honest and be like, listen, I, I truthfully don't know if I'm going to be able to provide that for you.

• 9:24Marielle Segarra?

  Now, you might be thinking, where am I going to find these people? Could be anywhere, really. Daniel got connected with his group when some guy at a holiday party invited him. A year later, they're all best friends. You could also look for or ask around about an existing group, a writing group, a roller skating club, people who meet up and talk about spirituality or their career goals, whatever it is that you're into. Or if you already have a friend who you think could be a good fit, ask them. But your accountability partner does not have to be someone you already know. Leah, the vampire novelist, and her accountability buddy, Jamie, met online.

• 10:00Speaker 03

  I was on TikTok and just some random dude was like, does anybody want to be accountability buddies with me? And I was like, I don't even know what that is, but sure, I'll try it. And he's an author, too. And I just, I said, yes. And then we met, I think that same week on Zoom. And I don't think either of us knew exactly what it was going to look like, but we have been meeting every week, every Friday at nine o'clock for over a year now.

• 10:25Marielle Segarra?

  And Leah says they've become friends, but their relationship was formed for this purpose, to work on their creative writing. And that is their primary intention.

• 10:33Speaker 03

  And then we can kind of chit chat afterwards about what we're doing in our lives.

• 10:37Marielle Segarra?

  For her, this dynamic keeps things simpler.

• 10:39Speaker 03

  I have a sister, she's a writer, too. And I don't think we could do it because we talk too much, you know, about other things.

• 10:47Marielle Segarra?

  She says it felt easier to do this with a new person than with somebody she was super close to and shared a bunch of history with. It was just lower stakes, right? She didn't feel like she needed to impress him, and that made it OK to fall short sometimes. Also, remember, you don't have to have the same goals as your accountability partner. Ayelet Fishback says, if your goal is to go running twice a week and you have somebody who wants to do that with you, great. But if not, there are other ways.

• 11:14Speaker 04

  Maybe this is going to be a person who exercises in their own way. Maybe you meet after you had your separate exercises for a cup of coffee. Maybe you exchange notes by the end of the day or the end of the week.

• 11:32Marielle Segarra?

  That brings us to takeaway three. Get clear about your goals and track your progress. So you found your buddy. Yay. What are y'all supposed to do now? You can start by setting some goals. Specificity can be helpful here. At first, Leah and Jamie were bringing a wide-ranging to-do list to the table. They'd set goals like, I want to clean my cabinets this week. But that got too big and amorphous for them.

• 11:57Speaker 03

  So I do think one of the pitfalls is trying to have an accountability buddy for all of your goals. I think narrow it down to, you know, whatever this, this one thing you're meeting about is.

• 12:07Marielle Segarra?

  They decided to make their sessions just about writing. They meet every Friday morning. He tells her his goals for the week. She tells him hers. Here's an example from the week we interviewed her.

• 12:16Speaker 03

  When we meet on Friday, I am supposed to have gone through my first 10 chapters in my novel for revisions and recorded five TikToks. And he's doing, you know, he'll do some marketing, book marketing, because he's got some books out. He'll do some writing goals.

• 12:35Marielle Segarra?

  And they go through the list from the week before. Did you do this? If yes, great, excited for you. If no, not a huge deal. They also set monthly, quarterly, and yearly goals. Ayelet Fishback says, when you're thinking about goals, it helps to break them down into smaller pieces. What am I going to do this week? This month? Because there's this phenomenon called the middle problem.

• 12:58Speaker 04

  You see a lot of enthusiasm at the beginning, then motivation declines. Then when you're about to reach the goal again, you see an uptick in motivation. So it's kind of a U shape.

• 13:11Marielle Segarra?

  For instance, imagine you're saving to buy a house, or you're saving for retirement.

• 13:14Speaker 04

  This is so big and so far that unless we break it into how much I'm going to save this year, it's really hard to feel like your efforts pay off in, in any way.

• 13:29Marielle Segarra?

  So maybe you and your accountability partner say, we're going to work out this many times this week. Or I'm going to write this many pages of my book, and you are going to do X, Y, Z. Talk to your accountability partner about what kind of check-ins. Will keep you both motivated. And this might change over time. Francisco has an accountability buddy outside of Focusmate. They meet every Sunday at 10 a.m. And when they first started doing it, they created an Excel spreadsheet that each would fill out with their goals and lots of other details.

• 13:56Speaker 02

  Anticipated obstacle, solution and action item, action items and tasks. How did I do? What worked? What didn't work?

• 14:04Marielle Segarra?

  And they'd monitor each other's progress during the week.

• 14:06Speaker 02

  Originally, it was very much like a, did you go for that walk today? Oh, I see the check mark. Yes, you did. Nice work.

• 14:13Marielle Segarra?

  Eventually, they stopped doing that and realized that the Sunday meetups were enough to keep them both on track. But, you know, life happens. And that's when you look to take away four. If you feel like you're getting way off track or your accountability arrangement is not working for you, troubleshoot. Try something different. The first thing I'll stress here is that even with an accountability buddy, you're not always going to hit your marks. Francisco, who's done thousands of sessions on Focusmate, says he has those moments.

• 14:41Speaker 02

  At the end of a session, I felt like I didn't get a lot done, which happens all the time because, hello, we're human. And my Focusmate partner looked at me in the camera and said, and you showed up. And that's what matters.

• 14:57Speaker 03

  I mean, we get off track all the time, right? We don't hit our goals all the time.

• 15:00Marielle Segarra?

  Leah says there's something about doing this with a partner that actually makes falling short feel like less of a big deal. If you aren't meeting all of your goals, cut yourself some slack. But if you're not taking any progress or you and your partner keep canceling your accountability meetups, then Cynthia says, it's time to check in. Maybe your buddy will say, yeah, you know, I'm actually not as into this as I thought. Or this is too busy of a season for me. Let's try again in six months. Or maybe it's something simpler. The time you chose is not convenient for both of you.

• 15:32Speaker 05

  So then change the time of the Zoom, you know? Or change it to not a Zoom and it's texting. Like you can try any sort of thing like that to sort of adjust. And you don't need to throw the whole thing out.

• 15:46Marielle Segarra?

  As you get to know your accountability buddy or buddies, you might notice that you're becoming friends, like for real, for real. Maybe that's because partnering up on things we care about can bring us closer to people, or because you're being vulnerable enough to share your big dreams with someone. And the repetition helps, too. When you see someone consistently, even on a video call, they become a part of your life. Francisco feels this way about his Focusmate buddies.

• 16:12Speaker 02

  I have the people that I get to see every day, nearly, who are showing me their cats, eating their crunchies. And there's a lot of, sort of, I guess you could call commiseration or moral support around things that we're working on in the world and, you know, changes that we're trying to, you know, affect or impact. And so it's just so special to be able to, you know, connect with people in every corner of the globe and support each other.

• 16:34Marielle Segarra?

  He's even gone on to meet some of them in person, going to Broadway shows, going ice skating.

• 16:39Speaker 02

  But even if I don't connect with people in person, it's just really special feeling like you're not alone in what you're striving to do. For so many of us, even if we're working in office settings, we can feel really isolated.

• 16:55Marielle Segarra?

  For Daniel, his accountability group banded together during a tough time. One of them had a heart attack last summer. And he says the community the group had already built made it possible for them to step up for their friend.

• 17:07Speaker 06

  It was just like the most natural scaffolding, I think, to like go into a new mode of like caring for one another. Basically, these are just like my family in this city, you know? Our wives are friends, and like, there's more than just this group. But this group has made it consistent in a way that I think a lot of, like, American society doesn't have, people don't have the friendships, that sort of friendships they used to have.

• 17:31Marielle Segarra?

  And Daniel says ultimately, the social aspect of the group and the friendships he's formed, that's what gets him to show up.

• 17:38Speaker 06

  We listen to music and we, we talk about our, like, our kids, our jobs. We talk about politics and we don't agree, like, we don't all agree on it. And it's sort of a fun environment and it's like a safe place to do that stuff. And so I don't want to miss out. So there's just a little bit of like, if it wasn't, if it was just like me getting out of bed and running, I wouldn't do it.

• 17:56Marielle Segarra?

  Of course, you know, it doesn't hurt that he's getting a lot stronger in the process.

• 18:00Speaker 06

  We get sick gains out of it, you know? We get like super shredded, so that helps.

• 18:05Marielle Segarra?

  All right, it's time for a recap. Takeaway one, accountability buddies can be a powerful and effective way to reach for what you want in life. Takeaway two, look for an accountability buddy who's reliable, who wants to see you succeed, and who can encourage you in a way that fits both of your personalities. Takeaway three, get clear about your goals. It can be helpful to be specific and to break them down into small chunks. And also, track your progress. And takeaway four, if you feel like you're getting way off track, or your accountability arrangement is not working for you, try something else. Try a different structure. See if there's something worth holding on to here, or if you might find a better fit with somebody else. Before we go, we wanted to let you know that we have a special newsletter series that

• 18:50Marielle Segarra?

  you can sign up for if you want to take a break from drinking. We'll cover everything from how to deal with uncomfortable questions, like, hey, why aren't you drinking? To how to make some tasty alcohol-free drinks at home. You can sign up by going to npr.org/dryjanuary. And you can also find the link in the description for this episode. For more Life Kit, check out our other episodes. There's one about how to make a better to-do list, and another about how to keep up with a creative habit. You can find those at npr.org/lifekit. And if you love Life Kit and want even more, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org/lifekitnewsletter. Also, we love hearing from you, so if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email us at [email protected].

• 19:34Marielle Segarra?

  This episode of Life Kit was produced by Claire Marie Schneider. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan, and our digital editor is Malika Gharib. Megan Cain is our supervising editor, and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Tagel, Margaret Sereno, and Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support comes from Kwesi Lee and Robert Rodriguez. I'm Marielle Segarra. Thanks for listening.