Dear Life Kit: Why are they like this?!

In this edition of Dear Life Kit, more wisdom from our vast archives to help you figure out: -Can you keep your group chat from descending into chaos? -Should you break up with your partner if they can't keep the house clean? -What to do if your friend never initiates plans? Follow us on Instagram: @nprlifekit https://www.instagram.com/nprlifekit/?hl=en Sign up for our newsletter here. https://www.npr.org/newsletter/life-kit Have an episode idea or feedback you want to share? Email us at [email protected] mailto:[email protected] Support public media with NPR+ and enjoy perks for over 25 podcasts like this one. This show’s perks include sponsor-free listening and convenient playlists of popular help topics like personal finance, getting healthy, and more. Learn more at plus.npr.org http://plus.npr.org/. See pcm.adswizz.com https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for sponsorship and to manage your podcast sponsorship preferences. NPR Privacy Policy https://www.npr.org/about-npr/179878450/privacy-policy

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  This message comes from iXL, a learning platform for helping kids build confidence and get up to speed fast. One subscription covers math, science, and reading for all children in a household. Receive 20% off at ixl.com/NPR.

• 0:16Speaker 01

  This year, I decided, you know what, I'm not going to do mums. Okay, mums, overrated for decorating for the Halloween stoop. That's my hot take for this episode. Do not buy mums for October. They die so easily.

• 0:29Speaker 02

  You buy them fresh?

• 0:30Speaker 01

  People always buy those potted mums, Andy, and you've seen it.

• 0:33Marielle Segarra?

  This is so aggressive.

• 0:35Speaker 02

  I didn't know. I'm sorry, Malika.

• 0:41Marielle Segarra?

  Hey, it's Mariel Segarra, and welcome to another edition of Dear Life Kit, where we answer your questions with help from the collective wisdom in our Life Kit archives. Reporter Andy Tagle is here. Hey, Andy.

• 0:53Speaker 02

  Hey.

• 0:54Marielle Segarra?

  And we've also got digital editor Malika Garib here. Hey, Malika, mom hater.

• 0:58Speaker 01

  Hello. Yes, that's true.

• 1:01Marielle Segarra?

  All right, our first question. Dear Life Kit, I have found that group text messages can be problematic. Not everyone understands what I would call, quote, inherent rules. I started a group chat with 10 friends to coordinate plans to go to a theater show together, but some people started chatting about other topics. And then I tried to stop it by individually texting people to ask them to only text about our plans for the theater show. How should I handle this? Should I just give up on group texts?

• 1:30Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 1:31Marielle Segarra?

  What do y'all think? You will start.

• 1:33Speaker 01

  So, yes, there are rules. I think that everyone knows that deep in their heart. And you're right, there are inherent rules. I spoke to Erica Dewan about this for an episode I did about texting etiquette, and she's written a book on digital communication. So she's an expert on this topic. Here's what the inherent rule is. Don't send unnecessary text messages. If you want to call out someone or talk about something else, do it on a different text. Once you start a group chat, you can't control what happens in the group chat, right?

• 2:03Speaker 02

  Totally. 10 people is wild.

• 2:05Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah.

• 2:05Speaker 02

  That is a completely unrealistic expectation.

• 2:07Speaker 01

  Right. It has its own life. And she calls it the virtual equivalent, like these group texts, as friends talking at dinner or friends sitting around a campfire. So the kind of exchange that you're going to have is like cross cutting different topics. And then the other thing is that, just like your friends have different personalities, your friends also have different texting personalities, right? You've got the one who's like quiet but pipes in every now and then. You've got the one who's like constantly causing chaos. You've got one who is just like harding everything and using emojis and sending up memes that take up all of your freaking data. You know what I mean? As for your theater dilemma, which is like, everybody, do you want to buy tickets for

• 2:48Speaker 01

  this thing or not? Dewan actually spoke about this particular issue in the episode that we did together.

• 2:54Speaker 02

  When it comes to a decision text, we have to actually ask a specific question. Like, here are the tickets. I'm going to buy them by Tuesday or by tomorrow. Let me know today if you want me to buy you one.

• 3:06Speaker 01

  That's it. And if they don't respond, I told you, you're an adult and you didn't listen to my text message. And so that's your bad. And that's the end of that. What do you think?

• 3:15Marielle Segarra?

  I mean, I know that people can feel under siege by their group texts. Like, okay, stop texting about this thing, you know, because it's, I'm getting too many notifications. There are settings you can change, though, so that you get fewer notifications, or mute the channel, or you can leave.

• 3:35Speaker 02

  If what you're really trying to do is get people to go to a place, the way that I would go about that is to say, like, hey, I'm going here. This is the time that I'm going. I'm buying these tickets. If you're coming, let me know if you want to come.

• 3:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, DM me.

• 3:49Marielle Segarra?

  I think you could also send an email, like, BCC them all on email, right? So there is no reply all function.

• 3:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:56Speaker 01

  Also, maybe like, have like, one or two people who are in it with you already, like, hey, me and so and so are going to this thing.

• 4:03Speaker 02

  We are, exactly.

• 4:05Speaker 01

  We are already going.

• 4:06Marielle Segarra?

  Let us know if you want to join. Yes, that is a classic. That always worked really well when I was in school. Because you don't want to feel like you're out on a limb, asking people to hang out. But if you say, yeah, like, Malika and I are going to this thing, Andy, do you want to come?

• 4:21Speaker 02

  It's a much easier starting point.

• 4:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 4:24Marielle Segarra?

  We'll have more Dear Life Kit after the break.

• 4:28Speaker 00

  Stay tuned for the following announcements and messages from our sponsors. This message comes from Prolon. With their five-day fasting mimicking diet, a clinically developed nutrition program with the goal of promoting fat loss while protecting lean body mass. Learn more at prolonlife.com/NPR.

• 4:45Speaker 04

  This message comes from Charles Schwab with their original podcast, Choiceology, hosted by Katie Milkman, an award-winning behavioral scientist and author of the bestselling book, How to Change. Choiceology is a show about the psychology and economics behind people's decisions. Hear true stories from Nobel laureates, historians, authors, athletes, and more about how to make better decisions to help avoid costly mistakes. Download the latest episode and subscribe at schwab.com/podcast or wherever you listen. This message comes from ADT. It's back to school, back to work, back to cozy nights at home season, and ADT is here for every moment of it. They make it easy with professionally

• 5:27Speaker 04

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• 5:48Marielle Segarra?

  All right, next question. Dear Life Kit, I have always kept the house clean and tidy, but now I'm dealing with a major illness. The slack isn't being picked up by my partner, and it's creating huge problems in our relationship. At her old place, she would leave bags of trash in the house instead of taking them out, not change the cat litter, wear dirty clothes for weeks instead of doing laundry. But she promised me things would change when we moved in together. But the house is always dirty and messy. She does clean certain things, and she constantly says she's trying, but somehow nothing really improves. I'm considering ending my relationship at this point, but I really don't want to. I love her so much, and I appreciate her deeply. I'm just hurt that she doesn't seem to respect or appreciate

• 6:33Marielle Segarra?

  how much this is impacting my mental health at this point. So the letter writer is talking about how this situation is impacting their mental health, but I think that their partner may also have a fraught relationship with cleaning and have it impact their mental health in a way. There's a lot to say here. I mean, this feels like the most obvious solution, and they must have thought of this, but like, have they considered hiring someone to come in and clean? Because outsourcing that task could really serve your relationship in this moment. And when you're going through an

• 7:15Marielle Segarra?

  illness, sometimes there are services available where, like, a nonprofit will hook you up with a local cleaning service for free. That happened when I was going through cancer treatment. I got a few free cleaning services. And, yeah, it was super helpful, because you just don't have the same kind of energy. And to that point, you also probably have people in your community who want to support you during your illness. And so if you have people in your life who are like, how can I help? You know, you could say, come on by and help me do some loads of laundry, you know? Or like, can you help us clean up?

• 7:52Speaker 01

  It sounds like, though, that the woman with the cat, like, was not a person who was necessarily caring about cleanliness or neatness before they moved in together. And then

• 8:05Marielle Segarra?

  True.

• 8:05Speaker 01

  She, she kept saying that, I'm going to change, I'm going to change, I'm going to be different. And then she moves in with her partner, the relationship's great, but like, the habits died hard.

• 8:15Marielle Segarra?

  Mm-hmm.

• 8:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, I agree. If it's available to you, throwing money at this problem is a good idea to start. Or, you know, resources are the problem. But I agree with you, Malika, that like, this is a philosophical, we disagree on what it means for the house to be clean.

• 8:30Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah.

• 8:30Speaker 02

  That's a deeper issue that probably, it sounds like these two should have explored before they moved in together. It sounds like they kind of like baseline, talked about it, but probably not deep enough, unfortunately. And it'd be really unfortunate if you had to break up over this. But it's something we've heard before, like, just not fundamentally, like, agreeing on what it means to wash the dishes, like, what it means to, you know, have a clean living room. Something you can still get to, hopefully.

• 8:58Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah.

• 8:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:59Marielle Segarra?

  Maybe with the help of, you know, a couples counselor, someone to walk you through what cleanliness means to each of you, like, what your hangups are, both of you around it. One thing that I just want to acknowledge is that it can be hard when you are just going about daily life and feeling stressed, or if you're feeling anxiety or depression, just the daily task of cleaning can feel overwhelming. And we did an interview with Casey Davis, she is a psychologist, about how to clean your house when it is the last thing that you want to do. And I remember her mentioning, one method was the five things

• 9:41Marielle Segarra?

  method, which is, there's basically five things in any given room. Trash, dishes, laundry, things that have a place, and things that don't have a place. And you tackle them in that order, and you don't have to do everything all at once. Like, you can triage, right? So if the laundry's on the floor, it's going in the hamper. Don't wash it right now. Just put it in the hamper and set it aside, right? The dishes, set those aside. Like, pick up all the trash and put it in a garbage bag. Just deal with what's in the room and simplify.

• 10:15Speaker 02

  I'll add to that reading list, Fair Play by Eve Brodsky, for domestic labor, because it talks about the chores that you can do, and also talking about like, different personalities. You know, like, if your partner absolutely hates the, I don't know, hates doing the dishes, and you like doing the dishes, like, maybe the problem is, you just need to redistribute. Maybe your partner has a penchant for mowing the lawn. And what would really help is if you play to your strengths, you know? Maybe there's something there.

• 10:45Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah.

• 10:45Speaker 01

  Can I just say, though, that if your partner was messy before you got with them, and they were like, I'm going to change. I'm going to really, really change. Once I move in with you, yes. Like, would you believe that? I'd be like, no, you're not. You're not going to change. It's like such a hard baked, like, like, you're like messy factor, or the tolerance for messy. It's like so baked into everyone's, like, you know, inner being. You just can't change overnight.

• 11:12Marielle Segarra?

  We'll have more Dear Life Kit after the break.

• 11:16Speaker 00

  Stay tuned for the following announcements and messages from our sponsors.

• 11:20Speaker 04

  This message comes from Charles Schwab with their original podcast, Choiceology, hosted by Katie Milkman, an award-winning behavioral scientist and author of the bestselling book, How to Change. Choiceology is a show about the psychology and economics behind people's decisions. Hear true stories from Nobel laureates, historians, authors, athletes, and more about how to make better decisions to help avoid costly mistakes. Download the latest episode and subscribe at schwab.com/podcast or wherever you listen. This message comes from Angie. Angie has been helping homeowners find skilled pros to get their home projects done well for over 30 years. For everything from minor repairs

• 12:01Speaker 04

  to major remodels, find reviews, pricing, and booking at angie.com or on the Angie app.

• 12:10Marielle Segarra?

  Okay, time for our last question. Dear Life Kit, I have a friend who never initiates our get togethers. Sometimes I text her and she doesn't respond. I text her a second time after a while has passed and then she responds. We see each other three to four times a year, and when we do get together, she seems happy to see me and to be there. Do I continue to always be the initiator, or should I sit back and wait and see if she does it? If she doesn't contact me, should I forget about this friendship?

• 12:39Marielle Segarra?

  What do y'all think?

• 12:39Speaker 02

  I have a confession. I am this person. It hit me.

• 12:43Marielle Segarra?

  You're the friend, you're the...

• 12:45Speaker 02

  I'm the friend. I'm the friend this person is complaining about.

• 12:48Marielle Segarra?

  Oh, no.

• 12:48Speaker 02

  I'm sorry, friend.

• 12:49Marielle Segarra?

  So what's your deal?

• 12:50Speaker 02

  Okay, so my deal is, so what I always tell people, I am a terrible, terrible, terrible, I'm terrible with my phone, I'm terrible at texting, it's never malicious, I'm very, very scatterbrained. I promise, I love you very much. Like, I might like lose the thread of a conversation halfway through, but then like, two months later, I'll be like, oh my god, I miss you, I just saw this movie poster, it made me think of you. Anytime I see something that makes me think of that person, I'll pop back in. You know what I mean?

• 13:17Marielle Segarra?

  So you do make some sort of an effort.

• 13:19Speaker 02

  Right, exactly. So my point is, it might not be consistent, but I will show my love in different ways. So I'm curious, in this case, if this person, like, the get togethers that they have, what do they feel like? You know? We have a lot of different friendship episodes, one of which is an episode with Rachel Wolkerson Miller about how friendships change, when friendships end. And she talks about the friendship triangle. The base of a friendship triangle is positivity, so just building on joy and all, like how friends make us feel. And then the other two sides of a friendship are consistency. So consistency being regularity and predictability. And then the last one is vulnerability. So the

• 14:04Speaker 02

  willingness to let someone else impact us. So, you know, being open with each other. So it sounds like consistency is definitely lacking, but what are the other two, what do the other two legs feel like?

• 14:15Speaker 01

  That's good. That's really good. If they seem happy and cool, like, every time you hang out with them, then like, maybe just ask them, like, why don't you ever, like, initiate a hang? If you have a relationship that feels close enough, just ask that question. And then they might be like, you know what, I didn't even realize that I wasn't, you mean, like, you text me so much, so I figured that I don't need to be initiating.

• 14:34Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 14:35Speaker 01

  But if it makes you feel that way, then I can plan some stuff, too.

• 14:38Marielle Segarra?

  I have run into this in my own life, where there are particularly family members who I'm like, I'm always the one checking in and making plans happen because this is important to me. And I'm like, is it not important to you? And that can be frustrating, you know? Because some people, yeah, you will have that conversation and say, I'd love it if you would initiate more. And then, you know, nothing changes. And then, some people...

• 15:09Speaker 02

  And that tells you something, yeah.

• 15:10Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah, it tells you something, but when there's someone that you love and that's family and like, you just kind of, I don't know, I just kind of keep doing it. I guess, like, you just kind of have to shut, you have to decide. But it's hard. And there's some grief.

• 15:25Speaker 02

  It's hard.

• 15:25Marielle Segarra?

  There's some grief involved in that, because it feels like you're not being chosen in a lot of ways, you know?

• 15:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:31Marielle Segarra?

  I think one thing that these letters all had in common was they came from someone who was trying to understand another person's behavior and where there was a mismatch in expectations, a mismatch in priorities. And, yeah, I mean, that's just life, man. That's the messy stuff of life.

• 15:56Speaker 01

  Yeah. Remember that quote, "Hell is other people"?

• 16:03Speaker 01

  Who said that?

• 16:04Marielle Segarra?

  I'll do a quick search for you here, Malika. "Hell is other people" is a famous line from the 1944 existentialist play, No Exit, by French philosopher, Jean Paul Sartre.

• 16:19Speaker 02

  Sartre.

• 16:21Marielle Segarra?

  "Hell is other people." All right, that's our show. By the way, the holidays are coming up and all the tricky family dynamics that come with them. So if you have a question that you'd like us to weigh in on, send it to us at npr.org/dearlife kit. This episode of Life Kit was produced by Sylvie Douglas. It was edited by Brent Bachman. Our digital editor is Malika Gharib. Our visuals editor is CJ Rieke-Lan. Megan Kane is our senior supervising editor, and Lauren Gonzalez is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Tegel, Claire Marie Schneider, and Margaret Serino. Engineering support comes from Tiffany Vera Castro. I'm Marielle Segarra. Thanks for listening.

• 17:11Speaker 00

  Stay tuned for the following announcements and messages from our sponsors. This message comes from Charles Schwab with their original podcast, Choiceology. Choiceology is a show about the psychology and economics behind people's decisions. Download the latest episode and subscribe at schwab.com/podcast.

• 17:31Speaker 04

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