Dear Life Kit: I'm jealous of my partner's weight loss

Author and body-acceptance advocate Katie Sturino joins Ronald Young Jr., host of the podcast Weight For It, to answer listener questions about body image. Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  This message comes from NPR sponsor, the Capital One Venture X Business Card. Earn unlimited double miles on every purchase with the Capital One Venture X Business Card. What's in your wallet? Terms apply. See CapitalOne.com for details.

• 0:15Marielle Segarra?

  You're listening to Life Kit

• 0:18Marielle Segarra?

  from NPR.

• 0:21Marielle Segarra?

  Hey, it's Marielle. When I was walking home yesterday, I saw a sign outside my local gym. It said something like, "Got a bikini? Got a body? Then you have a bikini body." I love this idea and the way it pushes back against the common narrative that you're only allowed to go to the pool or show your belly or even exist in the world if your body looks a certain way. Ronald Young Jr. has thought about this topic a lot.

• 0:47Speaker 02

  So recently, I went to a pool and there was a picture that came out of me shirtless. And normally, I go through great lengths of only letting people in person see me shirtless. Like, I've never posted a picture online or any of that.

• 1:01Marielle Segarra?

  Ronald is the award-winning host of Wait for It, a podcast that he says unpacks the nuanced thoughts of fat folks and all folks who think about their weight all the time. And he understands that hesitation, the body insecurity people feel in a bathing suit or just walking down the street. But he says there's so much more to a person than their body or the clothes they put on it. So why not try to focus on your presence, your attitude, owning everything about who you are?

• 1:30Speaker 02

  I saw this picture and I was like, you know what? Hell, yeah.

• 1:34Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah.

• 1:36Speaker 02

  So I feel like that was like a good opening to Hot Ron Summer, as I call it.

• 1:41Marielle Segarra?

  That makes me so happy. I like that. Hell, yeah, looking at yourself in the photo. Katie Sturino first found a following online by using her style and voice to promote size inclusivity and body acceptance. She wrote a book called Body Talk: How to Embrace Your Body and Start Living Your Best Life. And she's also the author of a new novel called Sunny Side Up.

• 2:01Speaker 03

  My life's work is really to try to convince people that summer is just super fun and you should spend your energy and time making memories with your family and friends and not trying to hide under a towel by the side of the pool.

• 2:16Marielle Segarra?

  On this edition of Dear Life Kit, the advice series where reporter Andy Tagle asks experts your burning questions, we are going to get real about body image, self-deprecating comments, how to deal if you're feeling competitive about weight loss, and how to shut down a straight-up body image bully.

• 2:37Speaker 04

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• 3:11Speaker 00

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• 3:39Speaker 05

  Okay. Question one. Dear Life Kit, a good friend of mine often makes disparaging comments about her appearance. She often talks about how she feels fat or gross. I think she looks great, but whenever I try to reassure her, she dismisses me. Sometimes she even snaps that I don't understand. My friend is about 15 years older than me, and she also talks about aging in a really negative way. Listening to her comments, she's started to make me feel anxious about my own appearance and the prospect of getting older. How can I tell her I don't want to hear her talk like this? I want to be a supportive friend, especially when she's feeling insecure, but it's starting to negatively affect my own mental health and body image. Signed, Not Negative Nancy.

• 4:20Speaker 05

  Okay, so my first thought, I think it's totally fair for our writer Nancy to not want to be around this negative body talk all the time, but is the best move to maybe start to create some distance? Agree, disagree?

• 4:31Speaker 03

  I'm gonna jump in and just say that I think there's a couple of ways you can handle that. You can say, one, is this a friendship that means a lot to me that I need in my life? And maybe it's a weed that you need to pull out and move on from to protect yourself. But the, the second thing is, you can also offer the attempt at like, going on a positive journey together and being like, hey, friend, I don't like the way you talk about my friend. Would you ever wanna like, try some like affirmations together? Like go on a journey together, uh, and see how they react to that?

• 5:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, I agree with Katie. I think the conversation is probably the first step. Like, hey, you know, when I'm around you and you start talking about like, what you look like and aging and being fat and all that, like, it puts us both in a place where I don't even know what I'm supposed to do here, how I'm supposed to help. Like, how can we work together to make you feel better leaving the house? Is this about like going on a shopping trip, getting some clothes that you feel good in? Is this about like going and like doing a skincare routine or like?

• 5:33Speaker 05

  Makeover?

• 5:34Speaker 02

  Yeah. Like, what is it gonna take for us to boost your confidence? And how can I be there to support you? And if she does not respond to that, then I would say distance. And that thing is, distance doesn't mean like abandonment or neglect. It just means like, hey, like, if you're gonna be over there doing that, I'm gonna be over here like rooting for you and praying for you from afar, but I can't be in it with you. You know what I mean?

• 5:53Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah, protect yourself.

• 5:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:55Speaker 05

  So, address the thing directly and then take steps from there.

• 5:59Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 6:00Speaker 03

  Yeah. And I think another thing that is complicated is sometimes you just don't wanna bring, like, it's easy sometimes for you to see the problems that your friend has and the things that they need to fix as they can see with you from a 30,000 foot view. But sometimes you just don't wanna, you don't wanna bring all that to their kitchen door. Like oftentimes, that just makes you the bad guy. And the, can you believe she said this to me? Can you believe this? So sometimes distance is just the only way. And it's so painful for both parties.

• 6:31Speaker 02

  And Katie, yes. And if your friendship can't survive that, if your friendship can't survive a tough conversation, then y'all never really graduated into friendship, right?

• 6:41Speaker 03

  It's correct.

• 6:42Speaker 05

  One more point on this that lit up for me was that I, that you just don't understand. When a friend has a really different viewpoint from you, especially with their body, and they're like, you just don't get it. What do you do?

• 6:52Speaker 03

  I mean, I'm just like, try me. Like, try to either explain it to me, or tell me how I can support you then.

• 6:59Speaker 05

  My takeaway from all this is the reminder that like, when your friend is having a hard time, and that is going to cause inflection points in your friendship, sometimes that will cause your friendships to like bend and grow. Sometimes that will cause them to break. And either way, that's okay. We're gonna learn from that, right?

• 7:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:16Speaker 05

  Okay, question two. Dear Life Kit, my partner and I have both been on GLP-1 medications for about eight months. She's losing weight so much faster than me, and it's hard not to compare my body to hers. How can I manage my jealousy while still celebrating the changes in her own body she's happy to see? Signed, Competitive Companion. Okay, I think a lot of people could identify with feelings of body jealousy, body envy, and how much more complicated those emotions can be when they're within your own home and within your own romantic relationship. Is it okay to voice those feelings?

• 7:50Speaker 03

  So I'm hearing some like things here, like the word celebration. And I had a friend who went on a GLP-1 like two or three years ago. And every pound she lost, she would call me and be like, yes, like, ah, like, I can fit into this now. It was so triggering and jarring for me. And then I finally had to be like, hey, I don't want to hear about this. This is not the way I think about weight. And like, it's not a celebration. It's just like a number changing. Like, it's so much more neutral for me. So it, it sounds like maybe the partner in this situation is being a little toxic in their weight loss.

• 8:33Speaker 02

  I think you're right, Katie. First of all, I just want to say, and I hope this goes far and wide. Weight loss is not something to be celebrated.

• 8:41Speaker 03

  No.

• 8:41Speaker 02

  I don't, I don't ever think it is. And I, to really nail this point home, I lost my mom last year. And before she died, she lost a ton of weight. And it was scary for us because we were like, oh no, this is indicative of something horrible happening to her. And I realize that every time we see somebody losing weight, our assumption is that something good is happening to them. And that is a terrible assumption, especially when it comes to what we are saying about what that means for health generally. Oh, losing weight always means that you're getting healthier. And we know that in fact, that's not the case. And so for in this case, if we're saying that we're so, how can I be happy for her? I'm like, well, you could be happy for if her weight loss is attached to something else. Like for instance, if I ever wanted to lose weight, it's like, well, I don't want to be out of breath on the stairs.

• 9:26Speaker 02

  If I turn to my partner and say, hey, I'm not out of breath on the stairs anymore. This has been great. I can go on long walks and hikes with you and I feel a lot better. And it's not attached to like what I look like in my clothes or how I feel about myself, then it'd be totally, then I'm like, yes, now we have something to actually celebrate. I don't think that anyone who has lost a massive amount of weight has done, that is not your biggest accomplishment in life. There are other things that you've done that I will be prouder of you for than for losing weight.

• 9:49Speaker 03

  I have recently lost weight and the comments I get about my body are infuriating. And people don't understand why I would not want these comments. I don't want them. And people being like, you're, you look so happy, like you look so healthy. And I'm like, you don't know anything about it. Like, that's not an indicator of happiness or of health. Like, it's, it infuriates me to like a real core point.

• 10:18Speaker 02

  The other thing, Katie, is I think it robs you of everything that you've accomplished while fat. You know what I mean? Like, it's, like, how dare you come to, come to me and say, oh, you're doing this and wow. And I'm like, what all has Katie accomplished as a fat person? That is the things we should be celebrating. And that she's continuing her journey to being awesome. And like, think about all the people that love you, Katie, because you're Katie, and not because you were fat or thin. And so then all these people come along to be like, oh yeah, now you're really gonna get it. It's like, no, I'm, I was getting it already.

• 10:50Speaker 03

  Ron, I'm gonna cry. That is the, that is it. And like, this is not a podcast about me and my personal journey. But that is, that you, you just said it. I mean, you said it.

• 11:00Speaker 05

  So this is great advice for our listener, Competitive Companion. I wonder if there's anything else you have for us on the dynamic between Competitive Companion and her partner about the conversation that they need to have at home.

• 11:12Speaker 02

  I think they just need to reassess their actual goals. It cannot just be about aesthetics. It has to be about like something else. And I don't know what that something else is for them. Maybe it is a walking goal. Maybe it is a marathon thing, whatever. But it cannot just be attached to a number and an aesthetic. Revisit it together and decide what that is for both of them as individuals and as a couple.

• 11:36Speaker 05

  Absolutely. Okay. Question three. Dear Life Kit, my brother-in-law likes to call people by funny names. His name for me blends my name with the word anorexia, even though I've never been underweight or experienced disordered eating. I've asked him to stop. His response, can't you take a joke? Recently, my sister baked a cake and offered me a slice, which I accepted eagerly. My brother-in-law leaned over and said, you don't want to eat that. You'll just have to stick your finger down your throat later. My daughters, who are 13 and 11, looked shocked and confused, but no one else in my family reacted. Now, they're not interested in attending events on that side of the family

• 12:17Speaker 05

  if he's going to be there. I'm torn between wanting to participate in family events and not wanting to subject myself and my daughters to this kind of teasing and my family's normalization of it. What can I do? Signed, bullied by brother-in-law.

• 12:34Speaker 02

  Ay, yo.

• 12:35Speaker 03

  This?

• 12:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, go ahead, Katie. Go ahead, Katie, because I'm fired up. Go ahead.

• 12:39Speaker 03

  I'm so fired up about this. This made me so mad because, one, it's men thinking that they can get away with like saying [BLEEP] and like not realizing that there's consequences and just being such dumb [BLEEP] about stuff. And then, two, it's so hard because that relationship with your sister is so delicate and your sister is not always going to be able to come to your side. Like, your sister might have to side with spouse due to like peace in the home, and that is really hard to accept. But your brother-in-law is an

• 13:18Speaker 05

  If this is what he's saying that's funny, what is he saying that's not funny? Like, what is your sister?

• 13:22Speaker 03

  No, that's what I'm saying is, is that's also an indicator of like, maybe in the home, like what your sister is dealing with behind closed doors, but that's not something you can force a friend and a family member or anyone in your life to realize they have to come to that stuff on their own, but you can make the choices. Like, I love that she talked to her kids about it, and I really love that she's making the choice, that they're kind of like, I don't really want to do that. So maybe it's, you have to reconstruct the family dynamic where you're just doing like ladies' stuff and you're just doing stuff with like sister, mom, and kids.

• 13:55Speaker 02

  I would say like, this is a brother-in-law, so I'm like, I feel like at some point, you have to say-

• 14:01Speaker 03

  It's gonna be an ex-brother-in-law?

• 14:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, pretty much. Like, you could even say to your sister or someone else, be like, yo, you need to watch your boy. Like, that's, because that's what I would say, if this was a friend that you were bringing around and they kept doing stuff like this, Katie, I'd turn to you and be like, yo, you better get your boy, because like, my kids are here, he's over here saying dumb stuff, he's got about one or two more times before you're not gonna see us anymore, period. Like, that's the, the leverage that you have is your attendance at these events, just to say, if Frank keeps running his mouth, you will not see me at these things anymore, especially with my 13 and 11-year-old kids who are like, well beyond the age of reason at this point, like, now have their own opinions on what this is like, and he's saying dumb stuff to their mother, like, I don't like that, that's, what are you talking about here?

• 14:44Speaker 05

  Katie, how would you step in, in this scenario?

• 14:46Speaker 03

  I, so here's the thing, is that what I, I'm coming in with the perspective of when a woman, because again, if this is what he's saying in public, what's he saying in private?

• 14:55Speaker 02

  Correct.

• 14:55Speaker 03

  Um, I know that a woman who is most likely being emotionally abused at home is unable to defend herself and often will stick up for the husband, and then that is so disheartening to see. So it's like, I almost don't want to put that- Person in the position to have to do that.

• 15:16Speaker 02

  That's fair.

• 15:16Speaker 03

  Um, yeah. So that's like, it's like, I would talk directly, I would take the bully on. And I wouldn't do it in public. I would do it in private because the bully is going to want to like, challenge you in public. So it's like, you almost have to take the bully in private and be like, hey, like, what's up with this? Like, why do you talk to me like this?

• 15:35Speaker 02

  I agree with that. And I think if you're going to take the bully on, I think you have to answer to his questions. Can't you take a joke? No, I'm sensitive. No, I can't. No, you can't make those stupid jokes anymore. And you should feel uncomfortable around me about making those jokes. And it should be weird for you. And if you don't want to come to family events because I'm there, that's perfectly fine. Because I feel like that's if, if we're, if we're leaving, especially the sister out of this completely, that I feel like, I mean, then going straight at the bully and saying like, stop doing this. And if you do it, I'm going to call it out every time. And every family event is going to be awkward. Because I'm going to be in the middle of the table. Like, Katie, I know you said do it in private, but I'd be at the middle of the table like, what that means? What that means? What you saying? What you talking about? What you mean? Explain that to my 13, 11 year old. What did you mean by that?

• 16:20Speaker 02

  Like, explain that to me. That doesn't like, like, keep going. And I'm gonna make it real awkward for everyone. So that every time I show up, they're like, oh no, Ronald's causing a scene again. Like, yes, I certainly am. I think, and you know why I'm thinking this way, Katie and Andy? I feel like I shouldn't have to be the one to no longer go to family events because of someone else's.

• 16:38Speaker 03

  Totally, yeah.

• 16:40Speaker 02

  That's not fair. I'm like, why do we now have to kind of like move like spies?

• 16:45Speaker 03

  Tiptoe around, yeah.

• 16:46Speaker 02

  Like, when you're the one being the jerk. And I, I guess, I guess my question is, uh, is there a way that she can like, and I don't know what her marital situation is. But if her spouse is around, is there a way they could join forces and be like, hey Frank? Like, we'll, we'll jump you.

• 17:01Speaker 03

  Talk to Brian?

• 17:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:04Speaker 02

  Don't, don't walk to your car alone. We'll jump you.

• 17:07Speaker 03

  I don't know. She, she didn't mention a spouse. And now I'm like, I need to know, like, who she coming in with.

• 17:12Speaker 02

  Yeah. Because now there should be two divorces happening.

• 17:15Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 17:18Speaker 03

  And also, I just, I love to plug divorce, um, in general, and to say like, let's, I think we should just normalize not, not pushing through and just push and just leaving more often. Because I think sometimes we overestimate the bond of marriage. Is that bad to say? But I'm very pro divorce.

• 17:42Speaker 02

  I understand your perspective and I support it.

• 17:45Speaker 03

  Do you think? Thank you.

• 17:49Speaker 05

  Ronald, Katie, before you go, we ask every guest of Your Life Kit for their best piece of advice. I would love to hear yours.

• 17:56Speaker 03

  Okay, I never know if people are going to understand what this means, but ride the horse in the direction it's going. So if it's not flowing, if it's not like, if it's not working, like you do not have to stick with it.

• 18:09Speaker 05

  I love that a lot.

• 18:11Speaker 02

  For me, it's just real cliche, don't give up. I think that the you in the past would be very proud to see where you are now. And so don't give up.

• 18:21Speaker 05

  Ride the horse where it's going. Don't give up on said horse.

• 18:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's good.

• 18:26Speaker 03

  Think we've solved it all.

• 18:28Speaker 05

  I think so. Ronald, Katie, this was such a pleasure. It really was.

• 18:32Speaker 03

  I had so much fun.

• 18:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, this was great.

• 18:35Marielle Segarra?

  That was Life Kit reporter Andy Tagle talking to Ronald Young Jr. and Katie Sturino. For more Life Kit, check out our other episodes. We have one on boosting your body acceptance and another on how to choose the right birth control for you. You can find those at npr.org/lifekit. And if you love Life Kit and want even more, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org/lifekitnewsletter. Also, we love hearing from you. So if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email us at [email protected]. This episode of Life Kit was produced by Sylvie Douglas. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan and our digital editor is Malika Gharib. Megan Kane is our senior supervising editor and Beth Donovan is our executive producer.

• 19:18Marielle Segarra?

  Our production team also includes Claire Marie Schneider and Margaret Sorino. Engineering support comes from Stacy Abbott. I'm Marielle Segarra. Thanks for listening.

• 19:40Speaker 00

  Stay tuned for the following announcements and messages from our sponsors.