How to dump an energy vampire

Need some advice? In this edition of Dear Life Kit, we're pulling wisdom from the vast Life Kit archives to help you: -Avoid energy vampires -Set firmer boundaries with friends at work -Navigate your own success when others are struggling Have a question for the Life Kit team? Write us or send a recording to [email protected] mailto:[email protected]. Questions about money, health, home and family life, staying organized, sticky social situations -- we want them all. We may answer your question in a future episode. Follow us on Instagram: @nprlifekit https://www.instagram.com/nprlifekit/?hl=en Sign up for our newsletter here. https://www.npr.org/newsletter/life-kit Have an episode idea or feedback you want to share? Email us at [email protected] mailto:[email protected] Support the show and listen to it sponsor-free by signing up for Life Kit+ at plus.npr.org/lifekit http://plus.npr.org/lifekit See pcm.adswizz.com https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for sponsorship and to manage your podcast sponsorship preferences. NPR Privacy Policy https://www.npr.org/about-npr/179878450/privacy-policy

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  This message comes from Charles Schwab with their original podcast, Choiceology. Choiceology is a show about the psychology and economics behind people's decisions. Download the latest episode and subscribe at schwab.com/podcast.

• 0:21Marielle Segarra?

  I think there's like a gnome stealing my jewelry.

• 0:23Speaker 02

  You better do some kind of trick.

• 0:25Marielle Segarra?

  Barbers. An ancestral ring, a hoop earring, one gold hoop earring, a necklace with the Virgin Mary on it have all gone missing.

• 0:34Speaker 02

  I think you need to provide an offering.

• 0:36Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah.

• 0:37Speaker 03

  You need an offering to the borrowers, yeah.

• 0:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 0:39Speaker 03

  Clearly, they need some things.

• 0:40Marielle Segarra?

  What do you think they like?

• 0:41Speaker 02

  I think you should, can I just say an idea?

• 0:43Speaker 03

  Please, yeah.

• 0:43Speaker 02

  Offer like a decoy tray of like other jewelry and like put it in an obvious place and so they can be attracted to that decoy jewelry.

• 0:51Marielle Segarra?

  Oh.

• 0:55Marielle Segarra?

  What about those fake gold coins?

• 0:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 0:57Marielle Segarra?

  With the chocolate coins?

• 0:58Speaker 03

  I think they're trying to get your attention, that they need some useful things, like get a Barbie car, get a little Barbie mansion, you know?

• 1:03Marielle Segarra?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:04Speaker 03

  They're telling you.

• 1:05Marielle Segarra?

  What do you people want?

• 1:06Speaker 03

  They're taking your valued things because they need some things of value, I think is what's happening.

• 1:10Speaker 02

  Are we waiting for something?

• 1:11Marielle Segarra?

  No.

• 1:11Speaker 02

  Okay, we're just.

• 1:12Marielle Segarra?

  We're just talking, but I feel like this is very actionable advice. Thank you.

• 1:16Speaker 02

  Thank you. This should be the bonus tip, actually.

• 1:23Marielle Segarra?

  Okay, well, hi, it's Mariel Segarra. Welcome to another edition of Dear Life Kit, the series where you send us your questions and we try to dole out some helpful advice. We're actually trying something new today. All of the advice is going to come from us, the Life Kit team, with help from the collective wisdom in our archives. And as always, for Dear Life Kit, reporter Andy Tagel is here. Hi, Andy.

• 1:50Speaker 03

  Hey, Mariel.

• 1:51Marielle Segarra?

  And we've also got our digital editor, Malga Garib here.

• 1:55Speaker 02

  Hello.

• 1:56Marielle Segarra?

  Let's get right into it with our first question. Andy, you want to read that one?

• 1:59Speaker 03

  Okay. Dear Life Kit, this is going to sound super petty, and it kind of is, but I'm worried about losing my friends when my life is going better than theirs. One of my friend's parents is having health issues, another friend is struggling with bills, and another is caring for their grandparents. I've become scared to share things with them because my problems don't feel as big. And I've recently had some positive things happen in my career. We're all in our early twenties and I know it's not abnormal for everyone to be on different paths and such, but I'm still worried about stoking resentment. What do I do?

• 2:34Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah, I mean, I get this and it's gonna be very common in all of our lives that sometimes when you're up, other people are down and vice versa, right? And also, sometimes even within your own life, often, parts of your life are up and parts of your life are down. Like, I have had personal experience with, when I got cancer, people, close friends of mine, feeling like they shouldn't tell me certain things in their lives. And actually, it wasn't even good stuff happening. It was bad stuff, but stuff that they thought didn't compare to having cancer at 34. So they were like, well, she's going through chemo, so I can't talk to her about my breakup. And I didn't feel that way at all.

• 3:18Marielle Segarra?

  Like, I was, I remember saying to them-

• 3:20Speaker 03

  It's like pain Olympics and they were like-

• 3:21Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah. That's not, that's not how I see the world. And I do think fundamentally that we have to be able to, to be there for the people we love, whether their lives are up or down, that it's just as much of a service to others to show up for them when the good things happen and not hold it against them.

• 3:42Speaker 02

  Well, I have a question about that, because like, if you do go through a breakup and you see that you're, all your friends are getting married or getting with people, yeah, I don't want to hear about your, the fact that you're getting married, right? Like, why is it in that situation that it's kind of normal to like, not want to hear, oh, gosh, they're getting married? But then, yeah, it's interesting that you're saying that when you were going through cancer and going through this horrible thing, that it was okay for you to hear about other breakups. Is it because the context was totally different?

• 4:09Marielle Segarra?

  I think the context being different helps. And I also had no problem hearing about the good things in people's lives. Yeah. It actually just reminded me that there was good on the other side of what I was going through. Like, my friends being in Europe, you know, with their kids and sending pictures. I was like, oh, my gosh, I can't wait to go there when I'm done with treatment. Hmm. But I think, yeah, you want to make sure with your friends that you're also showing up for them. And not just asking, how are you? Like, if awful things are happening in their lives, then you want to be present and think about, like, what you're good at and practical ways you could show up. Like, if they're going to love doctor's visits, maybe you're good at being pushy and advocating for someone, or maybe you're good at organizing the meal train, or maybe you're really good at emotional support.

• 4:54Marielle Segarra?

  You want to think about the specifics of the situation that they shared with you and how you can show up for them.

• 5:00Speaker 03

  A trick that I found helpful with this is something that I got from the team.

• 5:03Marielle Segarra?

  What is it?

• 5:03Speaker 03

  And it was, just ask, in the reverse situation, would you be offended?

• 5:08Marielle Segarra?

  Hmm.

• 5:09Speaker 03

  You know, like, if something bad was happening to me and something good was happening to my friend.

• 5:14Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah.

• 5:14Speaker 03

  Would it hurt my feelings? Would I want to bring my friends down with me? Like, of course not. Like, I would, you know, if someone is in your corner, I found in my personal experience, like, if someone is in my corner, they're in my corner no matter what. And if someone wants to yuck on my yum, they're going to yuck on my yum no matter how well they're doing. You know what I mean?

• 5:31Marielle Segarra?

  That's true. Also, it's a good, this is maybe a good litmus test, too. It's like, if she can come to these people, her friends, and like, she feels comfortable enough to celebrate with them no matter where they are, and they like, yes, I think reciprocate is important. I think that's like a sign that, like, it's a good friendship. But if they're like, if she doesn't feel comfortable in that space, too, then maybe it's also not a good sign. Right.

• 5:55Speaker 00

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• 6:41Speaker 04

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• 6:45Speaker 05

  This week on Up First, we're in the final days before the midterm elections. And this is one of the wonderful things about politics, one of the wonderful things about humanity. We have all this data. We have all this information, and nobody really knows what's gonna happen. We're gonna follow it day by day, through Election Day and beyond. And you can listen to Up First every morning on the NPR app or wherever you get your podcasts.

• 7:10Marielle Segarra?

  Let's go to question two. What do you think?

• 7:11Speaker 03

  Yeah. All right. Question number two. Dear Life Kit, how do you deal with people you can't stand but are forced to interact with on a regular basis? I'm in high school, and there's this person who I have many classes with, share mutual friends with, but she's an energy vampire. She loves to one-up me and has a mean sense of humor. How can I set clearer boundaries or make my interactions with her less painful?

• 7:36Speaker 02

  OK, so I have to tell you guys something. I attract energy vampires. I don't know how and why, but they come to me, they dump on me.

• 7:44Speaker 03

  Tell us more.

• 7:45Speaker 02

  They all they're like, they vent at me, and they talk at me, and then they don't let me leave me any room to speak. And I think that it's because I'm way too nice. And I don't have any boundaries with friendships, too. It's like, I'll just keep hanging out with a person because I feel obligated. So for this high school student, I spent a lot of time looking through all of our friendship episodes. And I found the perfect advice for you.

• 8:10Speaker 03

  I'm ready.

• 8:10Speaker 02

  From an interview with the writer Rachel Wilkerson Miller, who wrote the book The Art of Showing Up: How to Be There for Yourself and Your People. And her advice was this: Break up with a friend like you would break up with a partner. Here's what you might say to this energy vampire. Listen, I appreciate that you want to be friends with me, but I'm just not feeling the connection. I know we're in a lot of classes together, so let's try to be cordial with each other when we see each other. But for now, I'd appreciate if you gave me a little bit of space. I hope you understand.

• 8:44Marielle Segarra?

  Hmm. That seems like maybe easier to say over text. Yes.

• 8:50Speaker 03

  I mean, I think that your response, Malika, is a good one. I also think it's a mature one.

• 8:57Marielle Segarra?

  Maybe a little too mature.

• 8:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, here's the thing. Okay, so my initial thought was, I think it's a mature one. And I think it would be very good in an ideal world.

• 9:06Marielle Segarra?

  Right.

• 9:06Speaker 03

  But high school.

• 9:07Marielle Segarra?

  High school.

• 9:08Speaker 03

  Is very far from an ideal world, right? I think.

• 9:11Marielle Segarra?

  You're right.

• 9:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think it's very far from an ideal world.

• 9:13Marielle Segarra?

  So what would you do?

• 9:14Speaker 03

  Okay, so my solution, the first thing that came to my mind, it's a weird one, stick with me. But the first episode that came to my head, the first advice that came to my head was the episode on how to raise a toddler, on how to talk toddler.

• 9:26Marielle Segarra?

  Oh, my God. That is not the connection I thought you were going to make, but say more, please.

• 9:31Speaker 03

  Okay, this person can be really, it sounds really irritating, it sounds like they're being really illogical, like they're being really nonsensical. Not very far away from a toddler. And when you are communicating with a toddler and you want them to change their behavior, you have to be really creative. So sometimes that means you have to like outwacky their wacky. Sometimes you have to like distract them or give them like a hard time limit or.

• 9:54Marielle Segarra?

  Oh, yeah.

• 9:54Speaker 03

  In the case of like an all out tantrum, like if this person's being really mean, then what you have to do is like mentally disengage, protect your peace, you know, do nothing to fan the flames.

• 10:05Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah.

• 10:06Speaker 03

  Or I might try like positively reinforce someone else's behavior, you know? Like I might like go to someone who I actually think is cool and like try and talk to them about that thing that I thought.

• 10:15Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah.

• 10:15Speaker 03

  But you know what I mean? Like I might.

• 10:17Marielle Segarra?

  Or just like not respond to what they said and literally be like.

• 10:20Speaker 03

  They tell a mean joke, yeah.

• 10:22Marielle Segarra?

  You say something mean about me, Malika, I know, I can't imagine it ever. I truly can't imagine it happening, but you say something mean to me or you one up me and I just literally like don't respond to you, like eyes glaze over and I'm like, Andy, I love your jumpsuit.

• 10:37Speaker 03

  Totally, yeah.

• 10:37Marielle Segarra?

  You know?

• 10:38Speaker 03

  Just like, you don't have to laugh at the joke, right? Like they can keep telling the jokes, you don't have to laugh at the joke.

• 10:42Marielle Segarra?

  Or even like, even if I was just talking to you, I could be like, did you say that you were going to the beach this weekend? Or just something like that, like the distraction thing, I think could be really helpful. Sometimes when people are mean, I feel. Like it's coming from an insecure place and like trying to prove you're so cool.

• 10:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:59Marielle Segarra?

  Place. And so just being hard with them, like being a little like, like you can be, there's this meme that I saw that I really love. It's a bunny rabbit, holding a medieval weapon. Like it's like, it has like a chain and with like a ball on the end and a bunch of metal spikes. And it says, soft, but not available for mistreatment.

• 11:18Speaker 02

  Dang, I love that. You know what? That's how I feel. That's how I feel like I am. Like people feel like they, that's why I attract the energy vampires, I think. It's because I think they can just sort of like, dump on me. But like, I think that I have to have like a boundary. Like, this is the thing about this person is like, you're very nice to like entertain these kinds of treatment, but like, yeah.

• 11:36Speaker 03

  Just let her know.

• 11:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:37Speaker 03

  Let her know.

• 11:38Speaker 02

  You're not, you're soft, but like, don't mistreat me.

• 11:40Marielle Segarra?

  Yeah.

• 11:47Marielle Segarra?

  All right, let's go on to question three.

• 11:48Speaker 03

  Okay, let's do it. Dear Life Kit, I have a coworker who I absolutely adore. And we're friends outside the workplace as well. She has three young children and she prioritizes being a good mom over things at work. But when she has to call out for doctor's appointments, sick days or holidays, the job of picking up the slack at work tends to fall on me. Our boss doesn't see the problem. And I realize it's my own fault for taking things on. I have a lot of trouble delegating or asking for help, since I often find myself so stressed that it's easier just to do things myself. I'm happily childless myself. And I want my friend and coworker to be able to prioritize her family. And I feel terrible for feeling resentful. How do I stop this cycle of stress?

• 12:31Speaker 02

  Quit your job. Just kidding. Just kidding.

• 12:35Speaker 03

  Okay, I think this is a really juicy question. And at first glance, it kind, it seems like a parent versus child free values type of question, I think. But I think actually, this is a you versus you question. Personally, I think that's what it, do you, do you agree?

• 12:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, I agree. I agree.

• 12:54Speaker 03

  It's a you versus the perceived expectations of you, like the largely unstated expectations of you, letter writer. And I wanted to just start by saying, the people pleaser in me sees the people pleaser in you.

• 13:07Speaker 03

  Just say, something I learned recently from our episode on the book Drained, from a professor named Lea Ruppaner. Is that sometimes, when it comes to the mental load, sometimes you need to separate out what is required of you, what you're taking on out of obligation, and what you actually want to be doing. Like, does it really have to be on you to take on this work besties load? You know? Do you have to raise your hand every time? Does anyone have to raise their hand for this work? You know, are your deadlines real deadlines? These are the things that I'm thinking of. What about you guys?

• 13:39Marielle Segarra?

  And I think ultimately, like, I know sometimes if we care about our jobs or even if we're diligent type of people, we feel like the work is our responsibility and if it doesn't all get done, then it's on us. But ultimately, it's the company's responsibility and it's the company's problem if it's not all getting done. And their challenge to figure out.

• 14:03Speaker 03

  Right, that's exactly what I said. It's like, it sounds like you need to talk to your boss about this. It sounds like you have tried before and it has been successful. Like, one conversation. It doesn't have to stop at one conversation, right? So like, it seems like it's time to ask your boss for a meeting, give yourself time to have, to think about what you want to say. And when you do that, data is your friend. Keep your receipts if you haven't already. Arm yourself with information. If you feel like you've been doing a lot of the work for a lot of the time and you're OK with that, then maybe it's time for a new, a new role, a new title, more money, so that you can feel less resentful.

• 14:37Speaker 02

  Let this be your flag, red flag.

• 14:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, or if you're not, then let your boss know, I'm doing way too much and it's time to pay back.

• 14:45Marielle Segarra?

  I think that another point here is, often in the workplace, people who have kids are given more leeway or more like help. And I understand that they do need the support, but that doesn't mean that someone who's child free should just automatically have to work more than someone who has a kid.

• 15:06Speaker 03

  Absolutely.

• 15:07Marielle Segarra?

  Like, we've done an episode on how to be child free and part of that is just reinforcing that that is a valid choice and it doesn't make you a better person, a more upstanding member of society or more important because you have kids versus someone else.

• 15:22Speaker 02

  Maybe you need to hear that, actually. Maybe the letter writer needs to hear that. Yeah.

• 15:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, I had the exact same thing to say. Brittany Luce, the host of It's Been a Minute, came on to Dear Life Kit a few months back. And she had this great line. She says, "I'm going to give as much as I can lovingly and no more. Because if you give more than what you can give lovingly, you're either going to, it either leads to conflict or you end up feeling shortchanged." So I think it applies to these friends here. Like, it applies at work, it applies to friends, it applies to family. You know, I will, I'll give you as much as I can that I can give lovingly. But as soon as I, as I feel any, like, any, any sort of bitterness in my mouth, that's the line. That's the line. It doesn't matter if I have kids, if I don't have kids, like, whatever I can give lovingly.

• 16:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:06Speaker 03

  Once I'm unhappy about it, that's, that's the line. Then you're asking too much.

• 16:10Speaker 02

  Wow. That also applies to the other letter writer with the energy vampire.

• 16:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 16:15Marielle Segarra?

  Probably applies to all of them.

• 16:16Speaker 02

  That's right.

• 16:17Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 16:18Speaker 02

  That's good advice.

• 16:19Speaker 03

  I think so, too. Thanks, Brittany Luce.

• 16:20Speaker 02

  Snaps to Brittany Luce.

• 16:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 16:26Marielle Segarra?

  If you have a question for Life Kit, dear listener, send it to us. We want to hear your questions about money, about healthcare, about staying organized, exercising, messy breakups, annoying friends, whatever you got. Email us your question or record yourself asking it and send the file to [email protected]. I'm Marielle Segarra. Thanks for listening.

• 16:57Speaker 04

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• 17:01Speaker 00

  This message comes from Charles Schwab with their original podcast, Choiceology. Choiceology is a show about the psychology and economics behind people's decisions. Download the latest episode and subscribe at schwab.com/podcast.

• 17:16Speaker 06

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