Secrets to a successful couple's trip

Going on vacation this summer with your significant other? Listen to this episode beforehand so you understand each other's expectations, dreams and goals for your getaway. And find out why alone time is an important part of every romantic trip. Follow us on Instagram: @nprlifekit https://www.instagram.com/nprlifekit/?hl=en Sign up for our newsletter here. https://www.npr.org/newsletter/life-kit Have an episode idea or feedback you want to share? Email us at [email protected] mailto:[email protected] Support the show and listen to it sponsor-free by signing up for Life Kit+ at plus.npr.org/lifekit http://plus.npr.org/lifekit See pcm.adswizz.com https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for sponsorship and to manage your podcast sponsorship preferences. NPR Privacy Policy https://www.npr.org/about-npr/179878450/privacy-policy

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• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:17Marielle Segarra?

  You're listening to Life Kit from NPR.

• 0:25Marielle Segarra?

  Hey, it's Marielle. Have you ever been on a trip with a partner and they wanted to spend the day one way while you wanted to do something entirely different? They wanted to go to the art museum and you wanted to wander around the old cobblestone streets, take photos, pop into cute shops and cafes. They wanted to go on a hike. You wanted to chill by the pool. They wanted to see the ancient ruins. You wanted to go on a food tour. The good news is you do not have to spend all of your time together on a couples' trip.

• 0:54Speaker 02

  What's the secret to a successful couples' trip itinerary, according to the experts? Build a balance of alone time and together time.

• 1:02Marielle Segarra?

  This is travel journalist Amelia Edelman. Now, in the scenario I mentioned, one solution could be splitting up for the afternoon. They do the museum, you wander, then you meet up for dinner. In another scenario, where you both need a little alone time, but you don't mind being in the same space, you could try being alone together, both reading by the pool. The key, as always, is knowing your partner, knowing yourself, and knowing how to talk to each other. Lucky for us, Amelia also reports on relationships. And on this episode of Life Kit, she walks us through how to plan a couples' trip. We'll hear from couples' therapists, a travel advisor, and a couples' money coach, because money really can shape the entire experience. That's after the break.

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• 2:57Speaker 02

  Sure, traveling across the globe with your partner sounds romantic, and it can be. But particularly for newer couples, or for those who are busy parents getting away for the first time since kids, it can also be a crash course in how you each make decisions, spend money, and, yes, how you fight. So I wanted to find out, how do you balance different travel styles? Like, one person who loves a packed itinerary and one who just wants to wander. How do you talk about money before you're faced with splitting a $1,000 hotel bill? And what do you do in those inevitable moments when expectations don't match reality?

• 3:32Speaker 04

  One of the things that I always invite couples to think about is, like, when I think about a vacation, the feeling I want most is... dot, dot, dot. And I want you to fill in the blank for that.

• 3:45Speaker 02

  That's couples therapist and travel advisor, Marissa Nelson.

• 3:49Speaker 04

  You know, for some people, is this vacation about ease? Is it about excitement? And I think if you start there, we then start to examine what some of our hidden expectations are.

• 4:00Speaker 02

  That's takeaway number one. Find your why. Marissa and the other experts I spoke with recommend not just talking with your partner about where you want to go, but about how you want to feel when you're there. Are you looking to explore, reconnect, try new things, do absolutely nothing? Because if you skip this step, you're not just planning a trip. You may well be planning a set of mismatched expectations.

• 4:21Speaker 05

  I would say that it's very important for both partners to be in the conversations about the trip and to actually express what they want, how they're feeling going into the trip, getting real clear on like, what do you need from this trip? And here's what I need from this trip.

• 4:38Speaker 02

  That's couples therapist Will Messer.

• 4:40Speaker 05

  Nobody wants to go on a trip with their partner and feel like, deep down, this is really just the trip I wanted. Nobody really wants that. You know, they want to feel like my partner is wanting to be here and is excited about this, too.

• 4:52Speaker 02

  For Will and his wife, their travel why was partly a why now. Not long after they first got together, nearly 18 years ago, she had a summer break from grad school and he had a job that was willing to let him take a mini sabbatical. So they decided to do a five-week backpacking trip, just the two of them.

• 5:08Speaker 05

  It was a tremendous experience for both of us. We kind of realized this may be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity as far as time.

• 5:15Speaker 02

  Their trip was about experiencing adventure and novelty together.

• 5:19Speaker 05

  The best things were happening spontaneously or things you couldn't predict. And even the things that weren't so pleasant turned out to be the best stories.

• 5:27Speaker 02

  Maybe yours, on the other hand, is about reconnection or relaxation. Maybe it's more laughter or time to talk.

• 5:33Speaker 04

  In some cases, when I see couples and they're really at a crossroad in their relationship, it could be more clarity about how to move forward.

• 5:41Speaker 02

  That's Marissa. She says that while you and your partner are honing in on your why, ask yourselves.

• 5:47Speaker 04

  What does fun look like on this trip for us? And how can we plan that?

• 5:51Speaker 02

  Once you've landed on your why, it'll give you all the information you need to choose a destination. This is where working with a travel advisor can help, especially if you and your partner are newer to traveling or are extra concerned about safety or comfort levels. If you're a person of color, for example, what destinations won't make you feel othered? If you're a queer couple, where will you feel confident and at ease? Another idea? Marissa says a great tip is to ask your friends.

• 6:16Speaker 04

  When your friends have gone on vacations, like, what have they talked about? And like, what are some of the places that they've loved? But also, you can have those conversations of, "Oh, when you went to Portugal, how were you treated there? How did you feel there?"

• 6:29Speaker 02

  Pre-planning for your unique preferences is a great way to ensure that you and your partner stay on the same page. But don't just pre-plan, pre-pay. That's takeaway number two.

• 6:39Speaker 06

  I prefer to say "prepaying" instead of "saving for", because psychologically, when you think about prepaying for something, it's already yours.

• 6:47Speaker 02

  That's Jenny Witchello, a money coach who blends financial planning with the inner work of money. She helps couples build vision-aligned financial plans, including for travel, which isn't always cheap.

• 6:57Speaker 06

  When you pre-pay for something, then when the time arrives to actually go on that trip, you're not thinking about money. At least, the most expensive elements of that trip have already been paid for. You've eliminated a huge element that could cause a lot of stress in your whole experience of that trip.

• 7:13Speaker 02

  In this way, prepaying for your hotel, your flights, or even booking an all-inclusive stay means no surprise bills to bicker over while you're there. This past March, my partner planned our first couples' trip for us. Typically, I'm the planner, so this was a real gift for me. He chose an all-inclusive package at a spa in Quebec, Canada. It included all meals plus one spa treatment per day. We paid for everything upfront, three months in advance, and got to spend our trip thinking and talking about life, not our impending bill. Jenny says this is the way to do it.

• 7:44Speaker 06

  The last thing you want to do is be on your trip and be worried about money. You might as well have not gone on the trip, right? So get as much of that out of the way upfront as possible. Do all that math now and start planning for it. Pre-pay every month towards that trip to Japan. So when you go there, you're not worried about how much money that costs you.

• 8:03Speaker 02

  Jenny says this is an excellent approach for couples if you haven't merged finances.

• 8:07Speaker 06

  Maybe, like, you pay a smaller portion of the trip, but you're responsible for, like, organizing everything, right? And doing all this sort of grunt work that's involved. So there are ways to balance it out that don't necessarily have to be financial.

• 8:21Speaker 02

  That's what happened with my Canadian spa trip. My partner's currently a stay-at-home dad, and I bring in the income for him. But he planned out the whole trip and helped us figure out what kind of trip would work best for our budget. Paying upfront also helps you build in an emergency buffer fund for if something goes awry, whether that's a whole canceled flight or just needing to buy a new bathing suit because you, like me, completely forgot to bring one for your spa stay.

• 8:45Speaker 06

  There's always a random tranche of money, a small amount of money that's there in case something comes up that we didn't plan on. I think any sort of planning always has a cushion baked in and inevitably there's always something that's going to come up.

• 8:58Speaker 02

  Of course, the experts will be the first to tell you. Couples' money conflicts are never just about the money. And prepaying won't solve all the emotional concerns that can come up around money when you're traveling with a partner.

• 9:10Speaker 04

  We all have our own relationship with money. And I think money means something different to both couples. So what they think that they're arguing about, you know, should we do the one-bedroom suite with the butler? What they're really arguing about is, do I feel guilty for spending this on us? One person's value can say, you know, we never do anything for ourselves. Let's have a good time. You know, let's go to the Maldives, whatever. Let's do something that we've always dreamed about doing. The other person might say they're running, you know, like that meme with all the calculations around them.

• 9:47Speaker 02

  Prepaying and having these open, honest money conversations ahead of time can go a long way when it comes to smoothing over differences in financial opinion between partners. And of course, along with prepaying comes...

• 9:59Speaker 06

  Preplanning so you don't get there and you're in disagreements about how you're going to spend your time.

• 10:04Speaker 02

  That's Jenny. She, Marissa, and Will all agree on one major key to planning a couple's trip itinerary. And we'll get to that right after the break.

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• 11:12Speaker 02

  Okay, so what's that secret to a successful couples' trip itinerary, according to the experts? It's build a balance of alone time and together time. That's takeaway number three. Will says it's important to remember that different people need different amounts or versions of alone time and not to take your partner's needs personally. He's juggled this firsthand.

• 11:32Speaker 05

  Early in our relationship was like a lot of challenging conversations. Because if I needed a little pullback time, space, you know, my wife would be like, "Why didn't you want to share?" It would feel very personal. 18 years later, now this is just baked into our understanding of each other and it's not personalized anymore. And we can talk about it and she gets it if I need to step back and I can just get overstimulated. So hopefully couples go into trips with a sense of that for each other.

• 12:01Speaker 02

  How do you get that sense? Surprise, you need to talk about it. And that does mean kindly but firmly asking for what you need. Whether you're more of an introvert than your partner or you're craving more togetherness time. Here's Marissa.

• 12:13Speaker 04

  We forget that in the absence of these conversations, that many times we will turn it inward. Or we will make stories and say, "My partner doesn't want to spend time with me." When sometimes it's just about more effective communication. It really is more about, hey, this is what I need. I just want to check in. I just need an hour to myself. I'm going to go do a walk. I'm going to, you know, call the parents or the kids or whomever. And then I'll be back and we'll spend time together. So that we're prioritizing self and us at the same time.

• 12:46Speaker 02

  If you, like me, are the, "Hooray, couples trip, let's spend all our time together," partner, and feel like planning solo time on a couples' trip is defeating the purpose, well, Will says don't discount the restorative power of being alone together. Set aside some reading or journaling time when you're not having to engage, but you're still nearby, maybe even cuddling.

• 13:07Speaker 05

  It's like there's still quality in we're in the same room together. That's still meaningful. And there are definitely times where I feel that way, where I like just being in each other's presence, even if we're not doing the same thing.

• 13:19Speaker 02

  Whether you're having alone time, together time, or alone-together time, make it intentional. Marissa says to plan a few mindful you-and-me activities, whether creative, active, or relaxing.

• 13:29Speaker 04

  Are you doing cooking classes? Are you doing activities together that are bonding? Like, I just want to know how you are connecting while you are away. Or is this more of like, you know, parallel lives together? Like, I'm on my phone, you're on your phone.

• 13:48Speaker 02

  Parents in particular might experience a cluelessness as to what activities to even plan. Maybe it's your first trip away without kids, like us. Or maybe your kids have grown and you're re-acclimating to what it's like to live as a duo.

• 14:01Speaker 04

  I think that that is a cue for us to know that it really has been about the kids as a priority, which is a wonderful thing. However, how can we hold these two things in balance too? That our kids get to be a priority. So do ourselves and our relationship.

• 14:21Speaker 02

  Marissa advises couples to remember that you're not always going to have all the same trip goals or want to do the same things.

• 14:29Speaker 04

  It's okay for there to be different priorities because you're two different people. The expectation on these trips is not for full alignment because the goal is not to... Ask your partner to be exactly like you are on vacation, exactly how you are. That's compliance. We don't want relationships of compliance.

• 14:49Speaker 02

  She says the best thing you can do is expect that conflict will happen, but you can self-regulate and communicate when it does. That's takeaway number four. And when you do find yourself butting heads with your partner or getting triggered, check in with yourself first before trying to address something with your partner. Maybe you've realized you scheduled a ton of cultural tours and your partner is nodding to it. Or maybe they made an offhand dig that you were spending too much time on your phone and you felt yourself start to respond with, but you're the one always on your phone. Marissa agrees that traveling with a partner can bring up a lot, but she says we shouldn't fear conflict or feel like it's a bad thing.

• 15:26Speaker 04

  Conflict at its best is just really two different perspectives, two different people who have needs, who really want to communicate. Something will happen. There was an expectation that was not met, something that was said that offended, and we start to feel that energy rise in our body.

• 15:45Speaker 02

  When that happens, try to name the emotion to yourself first.

• 15:49Speaker 04

  I'm feeling something coming up for me. What is it? And I can take a breath, and I can ground myself, and I can start to search. What am I feeling in this moment? As I start to identify this stuff for myself, I also start to regulate my own emotion.

• 16:06Speaker 02

  When you are a bit more regulated and ready to bring up an issue with your partner, Marissa cautions against letting the emotions get lost in the semantics. You know, like the back and forth of you said this, I said that. Instead, slow the process down. Say something like...

• 16:22Speaker 04

  I noticed myself starting to feel annoyed by that or starting to feel upset or hurt by that, and I just want to make sure that I got it right. So the second step is clarity, because we get to clarify when we don't get it right. Most of the time, we're looking for connection and reassurance. In moments like that, we are wanting to find our way back to connection.

• 16:41Speaker 02

  Will says a great way to ensure that connection on your trip and beyond is to celebrate where you are aligned, but honor your differences. Chances are, one of you is a bit more of the default planner or more anxious. Maybe the other is more spontaneous or just a show-up kind of guy or gal. That could be a setting for conflict or resentment, unless.

• 17:02Speaker 05

  We want to embrace both type of people, though, right? You know, that planner comes into it with a little bit more patience and willingness to maybe be spontaneous or maybe not have everything planned out that might stress out the more avoidant person. But also for that avoidant person, more avoidant person to like, hey, you know what? I better engage with this because this really matters to me and my partner, and I want us to have a good trip.

• 17:30Speaker 02

  Compromise is king. After all, you want to be coupled with and traveling with someone who doesn't approach things exactly like you do.

• 17:37Speaker 05

  It's part of the beauty of relationships is you get with somebody that helps you see you because they they're different and they reflect your differences back to you.

• 17:48Speaker 02

  Simply allowing each other to be who you truly are is going to ensure you both get what you need out of this trip together.

• 17:54Speaker 04

  My philosophy is never forcing things to be what they're not. It really is about allowing things to be exactly as they are and just kind of lovingly holding space for it.

• 18:06Speaker 02

  Maybe the best part of creating and holding that space for connection while on your couples' trip, it's takeaway number five. You can take it home. When your trip comes to an end, there are plenty of ways for you to bring learnings and intimacy that you've nurtured over there back over here.

• 18:21Speaker 05

  What a great, I think, conversation for couples to have on the way home. Like, this has been amazing. What has been the best part about this? And asking each other that.

• 18:33Speaker 02

  Maybe on the flight or the drive home, you make a point of saying, hey, I really loved that one dinner or that class or that epic whitewater rafting day we did together. While you can't go whitewater rafting every day, tap into why that activity was so fun and see how you can get a similar feeling at home.

• 18:48Speaker 05

  That moment where it was just us and things were quiet. And there wasn't a lot going on. That was really awesome for me. I wish we could do that more often. Maybe when we get home. Like, I'd like to just get in the habit of sitting out on the back porch, you know, with a glass of wine, just chilling. Maybe there's a way, a smaller way, we can make this a more regular part of our life.

• 19:11Speaker 02

  For parents in particular, like those of us braving our first no-kids trip as a couple, Marissa says to reflect back on the trip and ask each other.

• 19:20Speaker 04

  How have we changed as a couple since we've had our kids? And to have like a real loving, honest conversation about that. And so what are we doing in our daily lives and in our lives in general to create that space for us that we can continue to come back to? These lessons that we take home with us is around, what do I give myself permission on vacation that I don't in my everyday life? For whatever reason, I do believe we all give ourselves permission to relax a little bit more on vacation than we normally do otherwise. By day three, people are like very calm. Like, you can feel the energy shift in them. And I think that's really important.

• 20:05Speaker 02

  By day three of not having to do any dishes.

• 20:09Speaker 04

  Absolutely.

• 20:11Speaker 05

  I think embracing travel is like, not just an experience of what you're gonna do or how you're gonna relax, but like, as cheesy as it may sound, what's it gonna reveal about how I operate in the world and how my partner operates in the world?

• 20:26Speaker 02

  Will says it's not only wonderful to take home the connection and intimacy you fostered on your trip, it's actually pretty essential and can have lasting positive effects for both people.

• 20:36Speaker 05

  We know couples that are bonded and they have a secure bond, all of the other things on their priority list. They're going to manage much more easily if they're in a safe, secure relationship. It really buffers and insulates us against the negative impacts of stress.

• 20:56Speaker 02

  So head home with a bit of a plan. More time together, more intention, less time on your phones, because it matters. When we came back from our couples' trip, we decided to set up our house Wi-Fi so it would automatically turn off every night to inspire us to unplug and spend some focused time together at home. Like, turn the internet off.

• 21:15Speaker 05

  Exactly.

• 21:16Speaker 02

  I guess that's tip number seven. Turn off your internet.

• 21:20Speaker 05

  It might be tips one through seven, honestly.

• 21:24Speaker 02

  So, to recap. Takeaway number one: Find your why. Decide what you're both looking to get out of the trip, how you want it to feel, and plan accordingly. Takeaway number two: Don't just pre-plan, pre-pay, because the last thing you want to be doing on your couples' trip is constant calculations. Takeaway number three: Build a balance of alone time and together time. And hey, alone-together time, so that both of your needs are met. Takeaway number four: Self-regulate and communicate when conflict happens. That way, you can speak to your partner from the heart, not from defensiveness. Takeaway number five: Yes, you can take it home. Have a trip recap conversation with your partner and land on a few ways you can bring that connection back home long term,

• 22:07Speaker 02

  because it really matters for both of you.

• 22:16Marielle Segarra?

  That was reporter Amelia Edelman. Hey, by the way, have you subscribed to the Life Kit newsletter yet? Every Friday, you'll get even more expert advice on health and money and relationships and more, all curated by the Life Kit team. Think of it as a weekly check-in from your friends at Life Kit. Subscribe at npr.org/lifekitnewsletter. This episode of Life Kit was produced by Claire Marie Schneider. Our visuals editor is CJ Riekele and our digital editor is Malika Gharib. Megan Cain is our senior supervising editor, and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Tagel, Margaret Serino, and Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support comes from Jimmy Keely

• 22:59Marielle Segarra?

  and Stacey Abbott. I'm Marielle Segarra. Thanks for listening. Have fun on your trip.

• 23:16Speaker 00

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