Episode 686: John Brinkley Part I - New Glands, New Man

This week, the boys kick off a two-part series on John R. Brinkley, the notorious medical con man who made millions convincing desperate men that goat testicles were the cure for impotence. The Boys dive into the bizarre history of boner medicine, the golden age of snake oil salesmen, and the rise of America's infamous "Goat Gland Man."

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  On October 30th, Dexter Morgan is back. In this season, he's facing the scariest threat yet. Middle age. A lifetime of blending in gets to you. And now Dexter is up against two rival killers stealing the spotlight. Taking them down means changing his MO and things are gonna get messy. Starring Michael C. Hall, Uma Thurman, Dan Stevens, and Brian Cox. Dexter: Resurrection. New season, October 30th on the Paramount Plus Premium Plan.

• 0:30Speaker 01

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• 1:01Speaker 02

  There's no place to escape to. This is the last podcast. On the left.

• 1:09Speaker 02

  That's when the cannibalism started.

• 1:24Speaker 03

  Hey now.

• 1:26Marcus Parks?

  Hey now.

• 1:27Speaker 03

  Can I get a hey now?

• 1:30Speaker 05

  Oh, that's what it's so the the meat I was talking about was chivapi.

• 1:34Speaker 03

  What's chivapi?

• 1:35Speaker 05

  Little poop meats.

• 1:36Speaker 03

  Oh, okay, that's the Balkans.

• 1:39Speaker 05

  Every culture has little poop meats.

• 1:40Marcus Parks?

  Okay, I have no frame of reference for this.

• 1:44Speaker 05

  Every culture, if you go to depending on the culture and you go to various like the different menus, I've been talking about this for a while. Merguez, kafta.

• 1:58Marcus Parks?

  I know kafta.

• 1:58Speaker 05

  There's what's it's but she's got the shivaldi.

• 2:03Marcus Parks?

  Oh, so you're talking about meat nuggets.

• 2:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, poop meats. Yeah, he's got he's Henry's now a Balkan.

• 2:10Speaker 05

  Ah.

• 2:10Speaker 02

  It's poops. It's shaped like poops.

• 2:12Marcus Parks?

  Well, it's shaped like nuggets.

• 2:14Speaker 05

  Like poops.

• 2:15Speaker 03

  They do look like poops, but they also look delicious.

• 2:19Speaker 05

  Nuggets, I see differently. If they were nuggets, I'd be saying nuggets.

• 2:24Marcus Parks?

  Mm hmm.

• 2:25Speaker 03

  Man, you're tzatziki.

• 2:27Speaker 05

  Shut up.

• 2:28Marcus Parks?

  Welcome to the last podcast on the left, ladies and gentlemen.

• 2:30Speaker 05

  Still gonna talk about poop meat for their every show. It doesn't matter.

• 2:33Speaker 03

  I don't care what you do.

• 2:34Speaker 05

  Thank you.

• 2:35Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, whatever. My name's Marcus Parks and here with the man with a strange new obsession, the hill that I don't know why he's dying on it. It's Henry Zebrowski.

• 2:43Speaker 05

  I'm not even dying on the hill. I'm just walking over the hill. I'm just on a poop meat hill.

• 2:47Speaker 03

  He's dying on the hill because he's eaten too many poop meats and he has a heart attack on top of the hill.

• 2:52Speaker 05

  My cholesterol's fine. My cholesterol's fine. I can eat as many poop meats as I want. That's what they said. That's protein.

• 2:57Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, it is protein. Yeah, and the man who has no problem with protein, it's Ed Larson.

• 3:02Speaker 03

  I just work here, man.

• 3:07Speaker 05

  You know what I really, I think what's great about this this coming little series here is that what I love is the audience's reaction when we give health advice.

• 3:15Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, yeah, and it's gonna be a lot of it here.

• 3:17Speaker 05

  Yeah, and the things we have to say about health advice. And I think that that's what's great about this episode is that no matter what, we'll be right.

• 3:25Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, we're healthy guys.

• 3:28Speaker 05

  Versus this.

• 3:29Speaker 03

  I went to the doctor this morning.

• 3:31Speaker 05

  Did you?

• 3:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:32Speaker 05

  Did you go to the urologist?

• 3:34Speaker 03

  No, no, no, no, no, no. I haven't been to a urologist since, uh, never.

• 3:38Speaker 05

  Wow, so you're just talking about you masturbated?

• 3:40Speaker 03

  Yes. You gotta wake up.

• 3:43Speaker 05

  Very, very good. He makes me sleepy.

• 3:45Speaker 03

  Really?

• 3:46Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's how I go to sleep.

• 3:47Speaker 03

  They say you're supposed to do it right before the gym.

• 3:49Speaker 05

  Right before the gym every time. I actually do it in the.

• 3:51Speaker 03

  That way you don't finish inside of them.

• 3:52Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:55Speaker 05

  I am in front of gym.

• 3:57Marcus Parks?

  The gym.

• 3:57Speaker 05

  Yeah, I normally do it gym's bedside. Yep, yep, yep. I mostly stick to the foyer.

• 4:05Marcus Parks?

  Well, today we are starting a two-part series on John Brinkley, the goat gland man.

• 4:12Speaker 05

  Flim flams everywhere. Flim flams.

• 4:15Marcus Parks?

  Dr. John Brinkley was an early 20th century medical flim flam man who became a multimillionaire in the 1920s and 30s by implanting baby goat testicles into the scrotums of desperate men in a bid to cure their impotence.

• 4:30Speaker 05

  Nothing but.

• 4:31Marcus Parks?

  Hell of a sentence.

• 4:31Speaker 05

  Just like, and all I can imagine is the waves of maturity that we're about to go through.

• 4:40Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 4:40Speaker 05

  Is how mature we're gonna be, how advanced and clever.

• 4:44Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 4:44Speaker 05

  Our humor's gonna be.

• 4:45Marcus Parks?

  This is us at the height. I believe after this, when we may finally be welcomed into Hollywood's intelligentsia.

• 4:51Speaker 05

  Finally, people like Ann Coulter, Tucker Carlson, the big brain, Seth MacFarlane.

• 5:01Marcus Parks?

  Well, Brinkley's goat gland procedure, in which you would implant anywhere from a sliver of a goat testicle to the whole magilla into a man's body, was advertised through Brinkley's own radio station, which at the time was one of the most powerful and far-reaching in the entire country. It was also illegal and located just across the border in Mexico to avoid the FCC.

• 5:22Speaker 05

  Wow, he's one of us.

• 5:24Speaker 03

  I'm very impressed. So far, I'm gonna keep getting impressed by this guy until the very end. I'm just like, he's an asshole.

• 5:31Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, it ain't gonna take long.

• 5:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 5:33Marcus Parks?

  Well, Brinkley used his radio station as a platform for a segment called Medical Question Box, in which Brinkley would diagnose sick people who wrote in about their ailments. He would then prescribe over the radio Brinkley brand cure-all potions that were available to purchase at Brinkley-aligned pharmacies across America. Most of these cures were, of course, totally fraudulent, but it would take a very long time before Dr. Brinkley's fraud was brought to light and he would make millions before that time came to pass.

• 6:04Speaker 05

  So we won.

• 6:05Marcus Parks?

  Uh, not in the end, actually. Well, he kinda did and kinda didn't. It all depends on your definition of winning.

• 6:11Speaker 03

  In a weird way, it kinda reminds me of James Brown.

• 6:15Marcus Parks?

  Hmm.

• 6:15Speaker 03

  Remember, cause like when he was, his singles weren't getting played and so he just started buying radio stations and then playing it himself.

• 6:22Speaker 05

  Well, you swore, yeah, it was also genius.

• 6:25Marcus Parks?

  See, Brinkley was the last of what was supposed to be a dying breed. He was the doctor who told you that every other treatment besides his own was not only useless, but harmful. The only person you could and should trust with your health, Brinkley said, was John Brinkley.

• 6:40Speaker 05

  I gotta go see John Brinkley. Yeah, where's John Brinkley?

• 6:44Marcus Parks?

  Well, while men like John Brinkley were supposed to remain relics of the past, the rise of the internet in the last decade or so has created a resurgence of people who share quite a bit of DNA with the goat gland man. As such, it's important to note that by the time Brinkley's fraud as a so-called miracle worker was finally exposed, he was alleged to be responsible for the deaths of at least 42 patients. But the road that took John Brinkley from the purveyor of supposed medical miracles to his eventual designation as a dangerous quack is one of the most fascinating in the annals of American flim flamery, which, as we all know, is quite the competitive annal.

• 7:22Speaker 05

  Yes, very competitive annal. Yes, I, um, I feel that it's interesting that it's not even that it resurges. I actually kinda think it just doesn't go away and that it just kinda formats into whatever the next format is. It just turns into the next sales mechanism. So now it's on TikTok.

• 7:43Marcus Parks?

  Mm hmm. Well, it's gone through waves, you know, and it's gone up and down, you know. Back in the day in John Brinkley's day, like, you know, you know, the Ed medicines, we're gonna get into, you know, medicine shows, uh, quite a bit on your like your radio programs and all that. But there were laws passed to prevent people from doing this shit. But then when the internet came, it's we're right back. It's like it's 1890 all over again.

• 8:06Speaker 03

  You guys ever get caught on anything?

• 8:08Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 8:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, me too. Right now, I think I'm incorrect, but now I'm like, now if the placebos exist, if they work for me, I'm still doing them.

• 8:18Speaker 05

  Sure.

• 8:18Speaker 03

  It's one of those things. It's like oil of oregano. I'm convinced, cause I take oil of oregano, I don't get sick. But then Henry says he gets belly aches.

• 8:26Marcus Parks?

  You know, and the thing is oil of oregano really helps Caroline with her stomach issues.

• 8:31Speaker 05

  Yeah, but it hurts my belly and makes my belly angry.

• 8:34Marcus Parks?

  Cause you're different.

• 8:35Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 8:36Marcus Parks?

  Now, before we get into Brinkley's story, let's cite our sources. We've got The Bizarre Careers of John R. Brinkley by R. Alton Lee and Charlton by Pope Brock. If you want something focused on Brinkley, go with Lee's book. But if you want more delicious context about medical fraud in this era, go for Pope Brock's book, Charlton.

• 8:56Speaker 03

  Man, imagine having the balls to name your son Pope.

• 8:59Marcus Parks?

  Fuck, yeah.

• 9:00Speaker 05

  That's fun.

• 9:01Speaker 03

  It's like, hey, you know, that's who that is? That's the fucking Pope.

• 9:04Speaker 05

  That's my kid, Pope.

• 9:06Marcus Parks?

  Oh, it's on the Pope.

• 9:07Speaker 05

  Dude, Chicago Pope's on the ropes.

• 9:10Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 9:11Speaker 05

  That's gonna be my first get of the fucking Deadpool.

• 9:13Speaker 03

  Oh, my God, yeah, that's right. He's sick. He's got cancer.

• 9:16Speaker 05

  He's got cancer.

• 9:17Speaker 03

  We got the fucking get.

• 9:18Speaker 05

  He's got cancer. We did it.

• 9:21Marcus Parks?

  All right, Deadpool, Pope, coming up.

• 9:24Speaker 05

  Yeah, fuckers.

• 9:26Marcus Parks?

  But speaking of context, we thought it would be informative, before we dive into Brinkley's life, to go over a brief history of impotence treatments throughout the ages.

• 9:35Speaker 05

  Thank god.

• 9:35Marcus Parks?

  Just so y'all can see how medicine got to the point where people were saying, sure, throw a fucking goat testicle in there and let's see what happens. Now, most often, impotence is just another way that men's bodies break down and betray us as we grow older.

• 9:49Speaker 05

  Fuck you, god!

• 9:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, and fuck you, Marcus, too, if you're saying it out loud.

• 9:53Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, totally, yeah, no, I say it, now it's real.

• 9:56Speaker 05

  Yeah, it kinda feels like, all of this, you even just talking about this feels like the boogeyman. It feels like we're inviting fucking Bloody Mary around.

• 10:03Marcus Parks?

  Man, that's actually the thing, that's how scary this stuff is, cuz now I was writing this today, like, it suddenly hit me, it's like, I haven't had an erection today.

• 10:12Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 10:12Marcus Parks?

  Is there something wrong with me? I'm never gonna have one again?

• 10:15Speaker 05

  No, get one, get one right now, go do one, I did one right before.

• 10:18Speaker 03

  I get older by the hour.

• 10:20Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, well, testosterone starts to decline in men around the age of 30, but only by a couple of percentage points. After the age of 50, that drop can increase by 5 to 10% per decade.

• 10:32Speaker 05

  Fuck you.

• 10:35Marcus Parks?

  Resulting in impotence and that weird phenomenon that I'm desperately trying to fight, in which every haircut you get somehow makes you look like a middle-aged lesbian.

• 10:43Speaker 05

  It's very specifically you, right now I'm in a Danny DeVito phase, Ed, his hair's great.

• 10:48Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 10:48Speaker 03

  It's not, it's not, it looks better than it is.

• 10:51Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 10:53Speaker 03

  I'm channeling my inner Marino.

• 10:55Speaker 05

  Oh, sure, sure, sure, I get it, I get it.

• 10:57Marcus Parks?

  Now, decreased testosterone means a decreased sex drive, but for the longest time, the best treatment people could come up with to reintroduce a little tingle in your pants were herbal remedies, ground up animal parts, like, you know, rhino horns and such, and foods like caviar, eggs, celery, asparagus, and of course, oysters.

• 11:15Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, whip 'em up into a big ol' pot, get hard as hell, dude.

• 11:19Speaker 03

  Are you telling me that those don't work?

• 11:21Marcus Parks?

  Nah, they, well, they are okay, they're fine.

• 11:24Speaker 03

  Alright.

• 11:25Marcus Parks?

  But ambergris, that elusive substance found in the digestive tract of whales, that was also used as an aphrodisiac for a time. The ancient Greeks believed that one's virility could return after drinking onion juice for three days straight.

• 11:39Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 11:39Marcus Parks?

  All of these cures just sound like, it's just fart medicine.

• 11:43Speaker 05

  Yes, but I do get horny for whales, so I see where they were thinking. My thing is, is I just feel like, at that point, they're like, as long as he's drinking onion juice, no one's gonna fucking touch him anyway. So, what's the point of him, even if he could get hard, it doesn't matter?

• 11:57Speaker 03

  Other than the whale, I kinda believe in the other stuff.

• 12:00Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, I think oysters are good for the libido, you know?

• 12:03Speaker 05

  Well, they're considered a, it's like a sexy, well, what is it, it's got, it's an aphrodisiac.

• 12:07Marcus Parks?

  It's an aphrodisiac.

• 12:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, anything you do that with, when you eat, is fucking sexy.

• 12:11Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, cuz nothing makes the ladies just fucking, they love watching us eat oysters, Eddie.

• 12:17Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 12:17Speaker 05

  Ladies just can't wait to watch you and me just suck up a bunch of oysters, like, we're fucking Nelson Rockefeller after he's half-paralyzed from a stroke.

• 12:27Speaker 03

  If they don't like it, they can leave.

• 12:31Speaker 05

  Eddie, then, we're alone, eating oysters.

• 12:35Speaker 03

  Sounds great.

• 12:36Speaker 05

  It does.

• 12:38Speaker 05

  Exactly, you're right.

• 12:40Marcus Parks?

  But, the thing is about that stuff is that, you know, those are like, little kicks, you know, like, you eat an oyster and you might get a little more horny than you were before, but if you're like, impotent, impotent, it's not gonna do a hell of a whole lot.

• 12:53Speaker 05

  Nah, you'd have to eat a whole ocean.

• 12:55Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, that's the thing, the incredibly important thing to know about impotence, especially when it comes to the treatments created by Dr. John Brinkley, is that an inability to get an erection is often a psychological phenomenon.

• 13:06Speaker 05

  Oh, god.

• 13:06Marcus Parks?

  A man has a difficult time once, he gets in his head about it, and every time he can't perform, the guy retreats deeper into the neuroses.

• 13:14Speaker 03

  I'm not crazy, you're crazy.

• 13:16Speaker 05

  You're fucking, your vagina's evil, you got, you got a witch in your vagina!

• 13:21Marcus Parks?

  Why is your vagina always yelling at me?

• 13:24Speaker 05

  Your vagina's at fault, your vagina's making me doubt!

• 13:27Speaker 03

  It's not yelling, it's coughing.

• 13:31Marcus Parks?

  But the unintended consequence here is that, out of all the medical maladies that have a treatment, impotence is one of, if not the most common, to be cured by placebo. Whether there's actual science behind a treatment or not, the supposed cure for impotence might give a man confidence so he thinks he's cured, by, say, snorting powdered rhino horn. So, since he can once again get hard, he is, in effect, cured. But before the days of Viagra, which produces an erection no matter what...

• 14:00Speaker 05

  Sometimes, sometimes some people can't.

• 14:03Marcus Parks?

  Really?

• 14:03Speaker 05

  It doesn't work, I don't know.

• 14:05Marcus Parks?

  I don't know.

• 14:06Speaker 05

  But I've heard that it cannot, I honestly, I've never, I've never done Viagra.

• 14:10Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, I haven't either.

• 14:10Speaker 03

  I've done half of Viagra.

• 14:12Speaker 05

  It worked, I have no problem.

• 14:13Speaker 03

  I can say the one time I did it, it worked. When I was in college and getting blackout drunk all the time and still wanted to have sex, I remember eating one of those, uh, gas station boner pills.

• 14:23Marcus Parks?

  Oh, horny goat weed.

• 14:24Speaker 03

  I, um, I thought I was gonna die.

• 14:26Marcus Parks?

  It's really bad for you.

• 14:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, I felt like I was on, like, too much cocaine.

• 14:31Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 14:31Speaker 03

  It was a really fucked up thing, and I was just like praying for it to end.

• 14:34Marcus Parks?

  Yep.

• 14:34Speaker 03

  So, uh, don't do those.

• 14:36Marcus Parks?

  But before the days of Viagra, impotence was desperate, serious business for a lot of older men. And older men, of course, have far more money to spend than their younger counterparts. That means there's a lot of money in boners. As such, after humanity began to take its first steps into the era of modern Western medicine in the 18th century, a doctor with a lot of imagination could make a fortune if just one of his patients was able to get a boner using the doctor's new-fangled methods. See, apparently, news used to spread amongst the impotent, and when a man solved his boner problems with a phlegm-plam treatment, he'd tell other men, from what it seems like dudes loved talking about how much sex they were having after their boner problems were solved.

• 15:21Speaker 05

  Of course!

• 15:22Marcus Parks?

  The more men talked about the success they had in a treatment, the more the psychosomatic effect worked amongst the other men who got the same treatment, which made the doctor's treatments more plausible, no matter how detached from provable science the treatments were. This was how John Brinkley made millions on a procedure that had absolutely no basis in any reputable scientific theory. Men believed that a goat gland could cure their impotence. So, if the basis of the man's problems was psychological, then the cure came not from the goat gland, but from the belief inspired by the procedure.

• 15:59Speaker 05

  That's beautiful.

• 16:00Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, the human brain's a hell of a thing.

• 16:02Speaker 05

  It really is.

• 16:03Speaker 03

  So, hold on, he would, he would put the goat testicles in the human scrotum?

• 16:07Marcus Parks?

  Yes.

• 16:08Speaker 03

  And, and it worked, and they would still be able to get hard?

• 16:12Marcus Parks?

  Yes.

• 16:13Speaker 03

  Did he remove the other testicles?

• 16:15Marcus Parks?

  No.

• 16:16Speaker 03

  Oh, it's just like, kinda like tossed it in the bag?

• 16:18Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 16:18Speaker 03

  That's where I was so confused the whole time.

• 16:20Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, he just tossed it in the bag, yeah, well, well, he eventually developed other methods that we'll get into later, but, you know, you know, nuts to butts, it's just throwing it in the bag.

• 16:30Speaker 03

  Is this where the phrase horny goat weed comes from?

• 16:33Marcus Parks?

  I don't know, actually, I did have that question myself, uh, but then I forgot before I could Google.

• 16:40Speaker 03

  I'll Google sometime for you, actually, Henry's doing it.

• 16:42Speaker 05

  I'm doing it right now.

• 16:43Speaker 03

  Thank you, buddy, I appreciate you, look at this teamwork, what do we do?

• 16:47Speaker 05

  Oh, it's from China.

• 16:49Speaker 03

  Okay, good.

• 16:49Speaker 05

  It's a flowering plant from China.

• 16:51Marcus Parks?

  Well, the thing is, I do know that goats have always just been known as very virile creatures.

• 16:56Speaker 03

  They got fucking horns!

• 16:57Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, well, it's partly why, you know, Pan, you know, the old god of, you know, the old Greek god of, um, you know, virility and all that.

• 17:05Speaker 03

  You fucked the shit out of you.

• 17:05Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, he's a goat, you know, and, uh, partly why, you know, he's involved in some like devil stuff, because the goat is just known as a, a sexual creature.

• 17:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, and we know Satan fucks.

• 17:14Marcus Parks?

  Yes, Satan fucks.

• 17:15Speaker 03

  Satan's hanging out with goats and dogs.

• 17:16Marcus Parks?

  And dogs.

• 17:17Speaker 03

  Honestly, though, God fucks too, though, I don't know if he does, I think God just jerks off on all of us.

• 17:22Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, I think, actually, it's, God doesn't fuck, God actually had an angel fuck for him.

• 17:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, God uses IVF.

• 17:28Speaker 05

  Yeah, God's a cuck, yeah, God's a fucker, he uses the bull.

• 17:32Marcus Parks?

  Well, Dr. John Brinkley was just one of the most successful of the charlatans who were throwing anything against the wall to see what stuck in the pursuit of curing the curse that was impotence. Oftentimes, though, and Brinkley cashed in on this too, impotence treatments back then were often paired with infertility treatments. One of the earliest to pair these two maladies in the modern era of Western medicine was a London doctor, I love this guy, he called himself John Graham OWL. The OWL stood for Oh, Wonderful Love. Called himself Doctor Owl.

• 18:07Speaker 03

  Doctor Owl, Oh, Wonderful Love, who are you gonna call?

• 18:12Marcus Parks?

  Doctor Owl.

• 18:13Speaker 03

  Ooh, owl.

• 18:14Marcus Parks?

  Well, he made a fortune on infertility treatments that revolved around his own patented electric-coiled celestial bed. All this sounds like a funkadelic song.

• 18:24Speaker 05

  Yeah! Doctor Owl celestial bed, yeah.

• 18:30Marcus Parks?

  People would pay Dr. Owl fifty pounds a solo session and a hundred pounds a couple for the privilege of sleeping in his science bed bathed in colored lights, all while Dr. Owl lit incense and had musicians play soft music. And this is in, like, this is like the 1890s. This man's eighty, seventy years ahead of his time.

• 18:50Speaker 03

  So Dr. Owl has like, an electric bed with lights and incense, hires musicians for people to pay and come and jerk off in front of him?

• 18:58Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 18:59Speaker 05

  Well, they sleep. They're supposed to sleep and then they gain it back.

• 19:02Speaker 03

  Oh, they see, oh, I thought he was like, I thought he had the music on to like, get people horny and in the mood.

• 19:06Speaker 05

  No.

• 19:06Speaker 03

  And then they would like bang in front of them.

• 19:08Speaker 05

  No, he jerks it at them while they sleep. The idea is they're asleep, the lights are on, he's now relaxed, and then he therapeutically, in a Reiki kind of way, jerks off over them.

• 19:18Speaker 03

  Man, you know couples were fucking in front of Dr. Owl.

• 19:21Marcus Parks?

  Every once in a while, I would imagine it happened. I would imagine, but it's also, he's also a proper London doctor, but on the other hand, the British are also secretly filthy.

• 19:29Speaker 03

  You gotta tell me, if you told me you were gonna go see Dr. Owl, I would say, "Uh, who?"

• 19:33Speaker 05

  I did that already.

• 19:35Speaker 03

  Did you?

• 19:36Marcus Parks?

  I did. Coughs right off, couldn't care less.

• 19:39Speaker 05

  I liked it when I said it.

• 19:42Marcus Parks?

  Now, while Dr. Owl was ostensibly trying to help others, another doctor who focused solely on impotence got into the game because he himself had lost his vim and vigor. Vim and vigor, by the way, when used together, those were actually code words for the ability to get hard and stay hard.

• 20:00Speaker 03

  Oh, so vim's getting hard?

• 20:02Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, vim's getting hard, vigor staying hard.

• 20:04Speaker 03

  Okay, that's good to know. Thank you.

• 20:05Marcus Parks?

  Now, the doctor who lost his vim and vigor was a Frenchman in his seventies named Charles Brown Secward, who in 1889 became irritable and impotent after suffering from gastrointestinal troubles and urinary disturbances. Dr. Charlie Brown Secward threw himself into finding a cure, and after a year in seclusion, he reemerged with a concoction that he claimed could conquer father time himself. Dr. Charlie Brown Secward said that he had discovered an emulsion of dog and guinea pig testicles that he had actually injected into his own bloodstream, and he claimed that this mixture had healed and sexually rejuvenated his downstairs plumbing, as a man in his seventies.

• 20:50Speaker 05

  I think he just got hard understanding that he now knew what lie to say. He was like, "Ah-ha!" And then went, "Yup, ha-ha!" Just looking at a little guinea pig's balls.

• 21:01Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, he liked it.

• 21:02Speaker 03

  What do you call a guy who can't keep his erection after his conscience gets upset about what he's hard about?

• 21:10Speaker 05

  He's got vigor mortis.

• 21:12Speaker 03

  No, viminy cricket.

• 21:13Speaker 05

  That I don't, I don't, I don't fully understand.

• 21:20Speaker 03

  He's got the vim.

• 21:21Speaker 05

  Cause he's, he's.

• 21:22Speaker 03

  But then his conscience doesn't let him keep it. He's viminy cricket, he's not vigorous.

• 21:26Speaker 05

  Interesting. Wow.

• 21:28Marcus Parks?

  I liked it.

• 21:29Speaker 05

  Thank you. He's deeply plugged into Pinocchio, cause he has a whole bit on Pinocchio.

• 21:32Marcus Parks?

  Shh. Available on the road. See you in St. Louis. I just watched Pinocchio again recently, it was wonderful.

• 21:39Speaker 03

  Phenomenal film.

• 21:40Marcus Parks?

  Yeah. Now, I'm no medical historian, but from what I can tell from my reading, doctors and scientists in the 1800s were just starting to discover and/or accept some extremely important shit that most of us now take for granted. During this time period, for example, germ theory was only beginning to win out against miasma theory. Miasma theory was the belief held since the days of the Black Plague that sickness was caused by so-called "bad air." In other words, the average person had a hard time knowing what to believe or what was going to work throughout this century. So, when Dr. Charlie Brown Secward said that he was cured by a shot made from liquefied animal testicles, a lot of people said, "Sure, why the fuck not?"

• 22:24Marcus Parks?

  And thousands of men lined up to get injected. In fact, he was so successful that other Parisian doctors worked together to come up with their own competing miracle injection cure for impotence. Pretty soon, men could choose between Dr. Brown Secward's original formula and a new concoction called Spermene, which was a mixture of calf's heart, calf's liver, bull testicles, a proprietary blend of anatomical specimens, and a dollop of good old fashioned human cum obtained from an unknown source.

• 22:58Speaker 05

  I tell you the sauce! It comes from Charlie Brown! Charlie Brown! He's a clown! The Charlie Brown!

• 23:08Speaker 03

  It's, it's what's on the side of the bottle of the Stubbs barbecue sauce.

• 23:11Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah!

• 23:12Marcus Parks?

  But while Spermene was popular, it never overtook Dr. Brown Secward's simpler combination of liquefied dog and guinea pig testicles.

• 23:21Speaker 05

  So much simpler.

• 23:22Marcus Parks?

  So much simpler. But, the fact that men had a preference and one concoction sold better than the other, it tells you that these supposed cures were resulting in many a French boner, one way or another.

• 23:35Speaker 05

  You think it just give you, I think when it comes to placebo, though, like, do you think it's like, you're, you get like, one boner? Like, immediately after the treatment, you're like, "I'm done." Like, do you think that then your boners are cured?

• 23:48Marcus Parks?

  I think it's just, it's, a lot of it is, you get in your head about it. You get your, you get your confidence back, you get one good boner, one good fuck, and then you don't have to, and then you're like, "Okay, I'm back."

• 23:57Speaker 05

  That's why I have time to ejaculate and ring a bell three times at my house, that I guys, to get, to dispel all the Chinese demons.

• 24:03Marcus Parks?

  That's great. And you know, the listeners love hearing three men in their forties talk about their erections and their ejaculations.

• 24:08Speaker 05

  That's what the series is about.

• 24:10Marcus Parks?

  They really love it, yeah.

• 24:11Speaker 05

  That's what the series is about.

• 24:12Speaker 03

  I think a lot of times it doesn't work, and they just claim it does and keep buying it, cause they don't wanna admit it, they don't, still don't have a boner.

• 24:18Speaker 05

  Well, that's the problem, is that once you go to buy the boner injection, everybody knows you don't get boners anymore.

• 24:23Marcus Parks?

  But the thing is that they don't tell anybody that they get the boner injection until after the boner injection works, and the only reason why they get popular is because these men are telling other men, like, "Why, hey, why are you in such a good mood?" It's like, "Well, I have been able to have sex again." "How?" "Oh, guinea pigs!"

• 24:39Speaker 05

  I took the miracle cure, and the next thing you know, I am having sex with a toilet bowl. It is my favorite aroma!

• 24:49Marcus Parks?

  So now that we've given a couple of examples of how people in Dr. Brinkley's era were trying all sorts of wacky shit to cure impotence, let's get into the story of John Brinkley himself, which will take us through the difficult birth of modern American medicine, old Hollywood, and eventually, the Nazi Party.

• 25:08Speaker 05

  Yay!

• 25:09Speaker 03

  Interesting.

• 25:11Marcus Parks?

  So John Brinkley's father was a so-called mountain doctor in the North Carolina region of Appalachia. Mountain doctors were self-taught folk healers who traveled wherever they were needed to treat ailments with various herbal remedies, but interestingly, mountain doctors also worked as counselors or even therapists.

• 25:28Speaker 05

  Interesting.

• 25:29Marcus Parks?

  Mountain doctors helped people through spiritual and emotional crises. They guided patients through grief, stress, and loss while treating their physical ailments with various teas and tinctures. So, a mountain doctor was required to be good with people, and John Brinkley's father passed these skills on to his son. His son, of course, would use those skills for evil. Now, John Brinkley's father had fought for the Confederacy as a medic in the Civil War when he was in his mid-thirties, but Brinkley's father was one of those guys who had a long trail of dead wives, which is not a great look for a doctor.

• 26:04Speaker 05

  You can't save your wife!

• 26:07Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, the woman who raised John Brinkley was actually his father's fifth wife, whom he married at the age of forty-two. All four of the wives who preceded wife number five had died, and three of those wives died from tuberculosis and/or pneumonia.

• 26:25Speaker 05

  Cause he had thin lungs.

• 26:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, you know, dying was way more popular back then.

• 26:29Speaker 05

  And it's easier to do. It was a long time, now women always live longer than the men. You know what I mean? But then, I don't think it was, I think it was more even.

• 26:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, there was, you know, no soap.

• 26:39Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, yeah, that's true.

• 26:40Speaker 05

  Yeah, they, they just get ripped open at childbirth, and they just kinda like, would use like, envelope glue to kinda just put them back together kinda, and say, "All right, get the fuck out of here."

• 26:49Marcus Parks?

  No, I mean, seriously, they were like, the guy who tried to tell doctors, like, "Hey, maybe after you work on an autopsy, you should wash your hands before you go and deliver a baby," they hunted that man until he was in an insane asylum.

• 27:03Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 27:04Marcus Parks?

  And it's, jerks.

• 27:05Speaker 05

  Because, he's a bitch. He's a fucking bitch! That makes me wanna take time out of my fucking day. Ten minutes. I can't believe the twenty seconds it takes for me to wash my hands fully. With your fucking weird sciences, you bitch doctor. You fucking liars.

• 27:22Marcus Parks?

  John Brinkley was raised in an unconventional environment, at least unconventional according to the standards of the late nineteenth century. After the Civil War, John's father came home and married a woman named Sarah Mingus. Sarah Mingus had a twenty-four-year-old niece named Sarah Burnett. Sarah Burnett came to live with John's father and Sarah. John's father and the two Sarahs entered into a throuple.

• 27:46Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, I did smell that coming, my friend.

• 27:48Marcus Parks?

  Oh, good old-fashioned Appalachian throuple.

• 27:50Speaker 05

  Oh, I love an Appalachian polycure. Nothing better eating squirrel and arguing about who gets the car.

• 27:59Speaker 03

  I don't know if they have marriage there. I think it's just whoever's around type of deal.

• 28:03Marcus Parks?

  Well, weirdly, the wife was actually the one who changed her name to avoid confusion, because you know it's two Sarahs. Wife opted to go by Sally.

• 28:12Speaker 03

  Because she had to Sally forth.

• 28:13Marcus Parks?

  Indeed. And so, on July eighth, eighteen eighty-five, the unmarried niece gave birth to our phlegm-flam man, John Romulus Brinkley.

• 28:21Speaker 05

  Cool.

• 28:22Marcus Parks?

  John actually changed his middle name at some point to Richard because he thought that Romulus was a heathen name.

• 28:27Speaker 05

  You fucking pussy.

• 28:28Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, right.

• 28:29Speaker 05

  Romulus was awesome.

• 28:31Marcus Parks?

  Great name.

• 28:31Speaker 05

  He should be lucky. Romulus is the founder of Rome.

• 28:34Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, but heathen. But as the pattern in John's father's life went, John's mother Sarah came down with tuberculosis when John was three. And while I know tuberculosis used to be extremely rampant, it is weird that this guy had three wives and a baby mama die of the same fucking disease.

• 28:53Speaker 05

  Sounds like he's just in love with many Lenors. You know what I mean? Like, he has like a type, like he loves an anemic goth brunette that dies at the slightest cough.

• 29:04Marcus Parks?

  Hey, they always say that, you know, tuberculosis was the beautiful person's disease because you did become more attractive after you got tuberculosis.

• 29:11Speaker 05

  The blush of death.

• 29:14Marcus Parks?

  But regardless of this man's luck, when John Brinkley's mother died, he was thereafter raised by his father, whom he knew as his uncle, and his aunt, who stuck with the name Sally, even though the other Sarah was now dead.

• 29:26Speaker 03

  You know, you said it, it's all there. That still don't make sense.

• 29:32Marcus Parks?

  I know, I tried as hard as I could to make it make sense.

• 29:35Speaker 05

  You did good. You did good. I mean, this is a fact, but it's still like, who's what happened? Why you Sally? She just wanted to be Sally. Sally was her fuck name. You know how you get a fuck name? Yeah. Yeah, like, my fuck name actually is Romulus.

• 29:51Marcus Parks?

  Now, John was raised to be religious by his father. While his father absolutely terrified him, there was a darkness and an anger in John Brinkley that showed itself at a young age. And it often combined with fear to manifest itself in very strange ways. For example, John had a thing for birds. And when he was a young boy in Appalachia, he was admiring a pigeon one day while his father was saying prayers. A cat, however, suddenly appeared. And while John wanted to warn the pigeon, he was too afraid of his father to interrupt prayers. So, the cat got the meal, and apparently the prayers were not interrupted by a cat viciously murdering this pigeon. But later, in retaliation, John killed the cat for killing the pigeon.

• 30:35Marcus Parks?

  This would turn into somewhat of a pattern, because it would not be the last time that John would kill a cat for killing a bird.

• 30:42Speaker 05

  It doesn't understand, it doesn't learn the lesson. Other cats aren't gonna learn the lesson. Yeah. It's just naturally a part of a cat and bird's relationship. They're gonna kill birds.

• 30:50Speaker 03

  It's definitely flawed ideas.

• 30:53Speaker 05

  Cats are gonna kill birds. Cats are gonna kill mice. They're an apex predator. They're a fifteen-pound apex predator. Are we saying that he never ate chicken?

• 31:00Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 31:01Speaker 05

  Exactly. He should, he's a bitch.

• 31:03Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, very much so.

• 31:04Speaker 05

  How hypocrite. The worst thing you can be.

• 31:08Speaker 05

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• 33:45Marcus Parks?

  Oh, look. You just got added to a meeting about coordinating another meeting to prepare for the pre-meeting ahead of the follow-up meeting, which will, of course, require a recap meeting. And then, another meeting. Hit your booking point? Book with Southwest and enter at plain mode.

• 34:15Marcus Parks?

  And it was obvious from a young age that John Brinkley was a smart boy. He had a photographic memory, and he was a natural at mechanics and mathematics. From the very beginning, John Brinkley's ambition was to be a mountain doctor like his father. But before John could learn much, his father, at the age of sixty-seven, fell ill from chest pains and difficulty urinating. As they say, doctors make the worst patients, so when John's father was told that a neighbor twenty-six miles away needed his help, and this isn't like twenty-six miles on the prairie, this is twenty-six miles in the mountains, he got on his horse and rode out despite his sickness.

• 34:51Speaker 05

  Oh, so martyrs have always been a thing?

• 34:53Marcus Parks?

  Yep. John's father made it to the patient's house, and he treated them. But whatever ailment he had killed him that very night as he sat in front of his host's fireplace after supper.

• 35:04Speaker 03

  So do you think we still owe the co-pay? Do we owe the family thing? Because I think that he's fucking dead. I don't think it's done.

• 35:12Speaker 05

  You feel good, right?

• 35:18Marcus Parks?

  The neighbor had to bring the body back home to John and Sally the next day. And of course, devastated, the ten-year-old John Brinkley.

• 35:25Speaker 05

  Here's your dad.

• 35:26Marcus Parks?

  You're listening, little John. I understand it's a shock. Your father died. Double shock. He completely emptied his bowels in the process. Here's his corpse.

• 35:35Speaker 03

  Here's his corpse. We couldn't find his wallet.

• 35:37Speaker 05

  We all feel great.

• 35:39Marcus Parks?

  Unfortunately, he did soil himself on our rug, and we will need to buy a new one, so I will be seeking recompense for the rug.

• 35:46Speaker 05

  I will be getting vengeance for that, and if you don't give me money. For that, we will experience a generational family war.

• 35:54Speaker 03

  Yes, and in order to get my money, I want you to let you know until I get my money, we're keeping his fingers.

• 36:03Speaker 05

  You're funny. You're funny. My dad must have lied to you.

• 36:07Marcus Parks?

  Well, this is John's origin story. Both his mother and father had died from illnesses before he reached puberty. So he vowed that he would become a doctor as soon as possible to prevent more people from dying premature deaths.

• 36:18Speaker 05

  Like Batman.

• 36:19Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, but the problem is that while John's father had tried to teach him to be honest and honorable, the patriarch had died far too soon for those lessons to fully sink in.

• 36:29Speaker 05

  That's why Alfred Pennyworth was so crucial.

• 36:32Marcus Parks?

  That's why he was essential. Additionally, since John grew up Appalachia poor due to his father's premature death, and as we all know, Appalachia poor is the poorest in the entire nation. He added another dream that often battled and won against his more altruistic goals. John Brinkley wanted more than anything to be rich.

• 36:53Speaker 05

  Awesome.

• 36:53Marcus Parks?

  And he proved himself willing to do absolutely anything, no matter how immoral or reckless in service of that goal.

• 37:02Speaker 03

  And I will become the enemy of that which is the worst enemy to all mankind. Lack of erection. And that is why I will be goat ball man.

• 37:17Speaker 03

  Goat ball man, I lost my parents, I have no money. This is called the Appalachia superhero pipeline. I'm goat ball man.

• 37:24Marcus Parks?

  Goat gland man.

• 37:25Speaker 03

  Goat gland man.

• 37:26Speaker 05

  Goatsy man.

• 37:27Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, goat, ooh.

• 37:28Speaker 03

  Oh, goatsy man.

• 37:29Marcus Parks?

  Goatsy man.

• 37:30Speaker 03

  I opened up my portal and I let all of my, I suck in all the bad guys like, what's his name from, um, it was a little pink guy from Mario Brothers.

• 37:42Marcus Parks?

  Oh, Kirby?

• 37:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, he's sucking people up his butthole.

• 37:45Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 37:46Speaker 05

  The goat's a hat. Great goat's a hat.

• 37:48Marcus Parks?

  Oh, it's amazing.

• 37:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, someone sent it in. They were very nice. So now I got this on my head.

• 37:54Speaker 05

  Go look it up.

• 37:55Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, I know. I know what it is.

• 37:57Speaker 05

  I know, but let the audience do it. It's gonna be a great hat to wear around.

• 38:00Speaker 03

  Honestly, I heard that the goatsy guy, he just got picked up by Netflix too.

• 38:04Speaker 05

  Oh, fuck, oh wow.

• 38:08Speaker 05

  Really? Honestly, that's a good sign for us.

• 38:10Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, well, that's, once the jar, once the jar guy comes in, we're really gonna be fucked, yeah. Now, John Brinkley was a born hustler, so he left home in 1901 at the age of 16 to take a job assisting in mail delivery, but he spent every free moment reading books on medicine and absorbing every word. Brinkley, however, was also an Appalachian hillbilly who had very few limits when it came to indulgence. In a telling story from his youth, Brinkley was in Asheville, North Carolina, love you Asheville, when he saw a banana for the first time in his life.

• 38:45Speaker 03

  Me too.

• 38:46Speaker 05

  Crazy dude. Can you honestly, I kind of just wrap your head around that. You've never seen a banana.

• 38:51Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 38:52Speaker 05

  And you finally see a banana.

• 38:54Speaker 03

  You're on mushrooms because you're in Asheville.

• 38:57Speaker 05

  You're a fucking banana man?

• 39:00Speaker 01

  I'm probably some kind of banana.

• 39:06Speaker 01

  The yellow fruit, I've ever seen a yellow fruit.

• 39:08Marcus Parks?

  He'd never seen a banana, he'd never heard of a banana, so he bought a banana and he liked it.

• 39:14Speaker 03

  It's very good.

• 39:14Marcus Parks?

  Because he liked it, he bought another banana and then bought another and another. And he bought as many bananas as he could afford. He spent all of his money on fucking bananas.

• 39:24Speaker 05

  It's big money. That's fucking rare ass fruit.

• 39:26Marcus Parks?

  But on the first day that he discovered bananas, Brinkley said that he ate so many that he, his love turned into hate.

• 39:33Speaker 05

  Relatable.

• 39:34Marcus Parks?

  And he supposedly never ate another banana for as long as he lived.

• 39:37Speaker 03

  Say banana one more time.

• 39:38Speaker 05

  Say banana.

• 39:39Marcus Parks?

  Banana, banana, banana.

• 39:41Speaker 05

  I love the fact, I love this. I actually have never related to a person more.

• 39:45Marcus Parks?

  But this was a telltale sign that John Brinkley had all the makings of an addict. And once he got a taste for something, he took that desire as far as he possibly could.

• 39:55Speaker 05

  God, but he didn't get fully addicted to bananas and turn yellow. The final story. He needed to fucking go all the way into bananas.

• 40:04Marcus Parks?

  Banana. In time, Brink-

• 40:08Speaker 03

  I'm a banana-holic. Yeah, I was. You ever suck dick for bananas? You could just suck the banana.

• 40:15Speaker 05

  Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

• 40:18Marcus Parks?

  Well, in time, Brinkley, of course, became an alcoholic and he was what you would call a bad drunk.

• 40:24Speaker 03

  Was trying to drink bananas. I'm a banana-holic, but for alcohol.

• 40:31Speaker 03

  You know, some people are super banana-holics. Yeah, I used to be one too. Yeah, I gave it up. Now I just drink whiskey.

• 40:39Marcus Parks?

  Far healthier, far better for me. But he, uh, John Brinkley was made both emotionally unstable and he would become extremely aggravated when he would drink and he would drink a lot.

• 40:50Speaker 03

  I prefer when you are addicted to bananas. That was nice. So we just had breakfast and pancakes. You never cramped up, not once.

• 41:00Marcus Parks?

  Well, once, John Brinkley destroyed a man's car with an axe while drinking.

• 41:06Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah. With an axe.

• 41:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, fuck that.

• 41:08Marcus Parks?

  And when he became a doctor, he was known to sometimes drunkenly chase patients out of his hospital with a butcher knife. This apparently happened more than a few times.

• 41:18Speaker 03

  You better be lucky to say in a banana. Yeah, you're not gonna let me put your co-testicles in your testicles. I'll put your testicles in my boat. Where's my knife?

• 41:29Marcus Parks?

  One time, a medical colleague showed up mysteriously missing a fucking ear. And it was rumored that Brinkley had either bit or cut that man's ear off during a drunken argument.

• 41:41Speaker 03

  How was I supposed to know he didn't have a peel?

• 41:45Marcus Parks?

  That same colleague later had to use a wooden board to take John down after John got drunk and started waving around a gun. That behavior, however, was still many years away and John Brinkley had a long way to go before his fame could allow him such indulgences in behavior.

• 42:04Speaker 03

  When I was in high school, my geometry teacher, he went missing for three weeks and then he came back. He was an asshole and no one liked him. And then when he came back, he was missing an ear.

• 42:14Speaker 05

  That's incredible.

• 42:15Speaker 03

  And then like tried to like not bring it up. Tried to like, and then it was like three minutes in the class and then someone's like, what happened to your ear?

• 42:24Speaker 05

  Your ear is gone. You used to be a two-eared person. Now you're a one-eared person. And I had not heard with my two ears, the one ear story. How do you lose an ear?

• 42:37Speaker 03

  I don't give a shit about how obtuse this triangle is.

• 42:42Speaker 05

  I want to know.

• 42:43Speaker 03

  You're missing an ear now.

• 42:44Speaker 05

  I want to know where the ear went. Why you can't wear glasses anymore?

• 42:49Speaker 03

  I assume it was a gambling thing.

• 42:51Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, I would imagine so.

• 42:52Speaker 05

  He could have had ear cancer.

• 42:54Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, he also could have gone on a bender and had no idea how that ear was gone.

• 42:58Speaker 03

  You know, he was too straight-laced for that. I feel like he was just a gambling loser.

• 43:02Speaker 05

  But sometimes you find out that like somebody goes, like they're super lame and they just try like meth once and then all of a sudden they're doing stuff like this. I was following this case where this guy, he was like, I just sort of randomly do meth and when I do meth, um, sometimes like I'll do this thing where I go on to Grindr or to Craigslist and I put my address on there and I dress up like a little girl and I blindfold myself and I leave the door open and I tell guys to come in and rape me. Now he'll tell them to all like line up and just fucking have their time with me, you know? And it was like, but it's really just when I'm smoking meth. The way he like put it, it was like, that's just a meth thing I do.

• 43:37Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 43:38Speaker 05

  But if I'm not on meth, I'm not like that.

• 43:41Speaker 05

  It's just when I'm smoking meth. Then I kind of do this thing. And then when they're not showing up or it was fast, I want them to show up. I lewdly dance in front of the windows. This is all completely from a police near occasion where he lewdly dances until a man eventually will come in. But then he has to blindfold himself and say, you pretend like you're breaking in and then I want you to take me. But then they smoke meth.

• 44:02Marcus Parks?

  Hmm. You know, I've actually read earlier today, you remember that old, uh, that old, they used to say that ecstasy would cause hole, like make holes in your brain?

• 44:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 44:10Marcus Parks?

  That was from an actual study, but what the study actually made a mistake on is that, uh, they accidentally gave all the patients meth.

• 44:18Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 44:18Marcus Parks?

  Instead of MDMA, instead of ecstasy. So ecstasy doesn't cause, uh, doesn't make holes in your brain, but meth does.

• 44:24Speaker 05

  Oh, I bet it does. And sometimes one of those holes makes you dress up like a little girl, get fucked by a bunch of random men you find on Craigslist.

• 44:30Marcus Parks?

  That's right. Now, John Brinkley's Aunt Sally died on Christmas Day, 1906. But when John Brinkley returned for the funeral, he reunited with the daughter of a prominent businessman who had delighted in torturing John when they were both teenagers. Amazingly, this was yet another Sally, Sally White.

• 44:49Speaker 03

  Just two names back then.

• 44:50Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, right. Sally and Sarah. That's it. The two of them were married, yeah, it's like, uh, you know, Olivia and Sophia today, you know? Like back then it was Sally and Sarah.

• 45:00Speaker 05

  Like Isabelle's.

• 45:01Marcus Parks?

  Yeah. Well, the two of them were married a year later when Sally was 22 and John Brinkley was 21. But the marriage was an absolutely horrendous match that would cause John a lot of headaches throughout his twenties. But once Brinkley was married, he decided to finally try his hand at being a doctor using a traveling Quaker medicine man as his mentor, as opposed to say, going to medical school to actually train as a physician. Remember though, that John Brinkley was a hustler and Quaker doctors were some of the most successful hustlers of their day. See, in the late 19th century, Quaker doctors were basically traveling salesmen who put on actual song and dance routines, pretty much vaudeville, that were really just pitches

• 45:45Marcus Parks?

  for selling the doctors own medicine, tonic or elixir. These were the, this is where the term medicine show comes from. These were the medicine shows of old. And these shows were where John Brinkley cut his teeth as a medical professional.

• 46:00Speaker 03

  I mean, it would have been nice if my doctor sang to me when they told me I had diabetes. Hey fatty, hey my little fatty, are you ready for the curse of the rest of your life? Are you ready for your sweet pea? Let me tell you that you got the diabetes.

• 46:21Marcus Parks?

  Your foot, your foot, your foot might come off. It might come off too soon. It might come off one day. Just don't have too many sodas.

• 46:32Speaker 05

  No more ice cream, no more fun. You have to eat like no one can.

• 46:37Speaker 03

  It's better, thank you.

• 46:39Marcus Parks?

  You're welcome, you're welcome. Now, when one attended a Quaker medicine show, the performance would usually open with a fiddler and/or dancer who warmed up the crowd and got their attention.

• 46:49Speaker 05

  This is what healthcare should provide now.

• 46:51Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 46:51Speaker 05

  And we're paying all this fucking money.

• 46:53Marcus Parks?

  Give me a show.

• 46:54Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 46:54Marcus Parks?

  Well, once the crowd was captured, they would be subjected to a short morality play in which a family patriarch would die tragically and pathetically, leaving behind a grieving family.

• 47:05Speaker 05

  Oh no, my penis.

• 47:09Speaker 03

  Poor dad died of not getting any.

• 47:12Marcus Parks?

  Well, the death was only tragic and pathetic, of course, because the patriarch could have easily avoided death if he would only bought and drank whatever miracle tonic that the physician was selling. In fact, the entire play's purpose was an advertisement, which would culminate in the actors calling out the product by name. "Oh, if only father had taken Hamlin's wizard oil when he had the chance, we could have avoided" this terrible fate. Hamlin's wizard oil, by the way, was a real tonic. The Quaker physician would then appear onstage to sing a song about his restorative cure. Then he would give a hard sell on his product.

• 47:50Marcus Parks?

  You had Burdock Blood Bitters, Aunt Fanny's Worm Candy, Dr. Thomas's Eclectic Oil, God Bold's Vegetable Balsam, and a thousand others that sounds like fucking mediocre rock bands from the 70s.

• 48:05Speaker 05

  Aunt Fanny's Worm Candy, man.

• 48:07Speaker 03

  Sounds like a dead body.

• 48:08Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 48:10Speaker 03

  Worm candy.

• 48:11Speaker 05

  Oh, man, that's a good one, dude.

• 48:13Marcus Parks?

  No, my personal favorite is Dr. Williams' Pink Pills for Pink People, which, despite having the silliest name, it was actually one of the few that actually worked. They were big, pink pills that were just full of iron, which meant they actually treated anemia.

• 48:28Speaker 05

  So anemias were called pink people, people with anemiax?

• 48:31Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, pink pills, pink people.

• 48:32Speaker 05

  Oh, fun.

• 48:33Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 48:33Speaker 05

  Is that what you got? No.

• 48:35Marcus Parks?

  No.

• 48:35Speaker 05

  Interesting. I'm clean. I'm completely healthy.

• 48:39Speaker 03

  But you're also pink.

• 48:40Speaker 05

  I am.

• 48:41Marcus Parks?

  Now, you might think that these Quaker doctors are the origin of the term "quack", to denote a fraudulent doctor, but that is not the case. The term "quack" had actually been around for a couple hundred years by the time the Quaker medicine shows became popular. Quack had long been used to describe the exact same type of loud and obnoxious medical salesmen that these Quaker doctors ended up being, men whose speeches were just as annoying and meaningless as the quacking of a duck. So it's really just a coincidence of language.

• 49:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, and in West Virginia, in the Appalachians, there's lots of quackers there.

• 49:16Speaker 05

  A bunch of quacker-ass quackers.

• 49:17Marcus Parks?

  A bunch of quackers, fucking quackers, full of quackers.

• 49:20Speaker 05

  Fuckers, quackers.

• 49:21Marcus Parks?

  But while other countries certainly had their fair share of quacks and frauds, there was no country on earth in which quacks and medicine shows were more successful, nor was there a country where they were more prevalent than these United States of America. In other words, we have been like this from the very fucking start.

• 49:42Speaker 05

  Yeah, we just like shows.

• 49:44Marcus Parks?

  Hey, Americans are dreamers.

• 49:45Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 49:45Marcus Parks?

  We like to believe in miracles. It has nothing to do with the show. The show's a good part of it, yes, but really, what it's about is that we are extremely impatient people.

• 49:54Speaker 05

  Can we get to the end of this?

• 49:59Marcus Parks?

  But it makes us susceptible to fraud. Americans throughout history have also not been known as a people who place our trust in someone who has the best nor the smartest solutions. Rather, Americans tend to gravitate towards people who have the answer that they want to hear, and the Quaker doctors that John Brinkley learned from were experts at giving the public easy solutions that reinforced their pre-existing beliefs.

• 50:25Speaker 05

  There's also, I feel like it's, what you were saying, it's tied into the miracle thing, it's tied into this idea of like, almost like, we made America happen, we made all of these things happen, we are out here, we're solving the West, we're doing all these things, like, we could do anything.

• 50:41Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, anything's possible.

• 50:42Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 50:42Speaker 03

  It is, it's still like this, you're right, because like, now, I'll take 20 vitamins, but going to the gym?

• 50:52Marcus Parks?

  Are you sure exercise and just eating right is the way to do it? I think I can just take a bunch of pills and it'll be fine.

• 50:59Speaker 05

  I really hope to.

• 51:00Marcus Parks?

  I think that's really all I need to do. Well, back when Brinkley was just getting started in the first decade of the 20th century, a lot of Americans, and particularly rural Americans, they saw hospitals as nothing more than a place you went to die.

• 51:15Speaker 03

  They're not?

• 51:15Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, no, hospitals are gussied up funeral homes, they'd say.

• 51:18Speaker 05

  Honestly, it's not that far off from the current view as well, even though now it's also because it will hollow you out financially.

• 51:25Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, well, by the same token, trained doctors were seen by many Americans as crooks who were making and keeping you sick on purpose, just so you would keep paying the money to treat you indefinitely.

• 51:35Speaker 05

  I've heard that many times already, in modern times, I've heard it.

• 51:39Marcus Parks?

  Of cour- well, I mean, I can see that point being made about, say, like, maybe the pharmaceutical industry, but I would say, the vast-

• 51:46Speaker 03

  Auto mechanics.

• 51:46Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, well, auto mechanics, that's one thing.

• 51:48Speaker 05

  Yeah, so doctors, you can call doctors blood monkeys. Yeah, yeah, do, yeah, play with my balls, blood monkey. Yeah, yeah, yeah, play with my balls, see if I got a hernia in my balls, you fucking blood monkey.

• 52:00Marcus Parks?

  Can we do it?

• 52:02Speaker 05

  Yeah, actually, we could. Take a look at my asshole at 45. Look at it, blood monkey, you fucking, you fucking reflecting disc fucking idiot. Look at my fucking asshole. That's your job.

• 52:17Marcus Parks?

  The vast, vast, vast, vast majority of doctors, therapists, mental health professionals, they got into that to help people. They want to make you better. They want, like, pharmaceutical companies, that's something different altogether.

• 52:29Speaker 03

  True evil.

• 52:29Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, that's true evil, but doctors, you can usually trust a doctor. But as author Pope Brock put it, "Quacks like the one John Brinkley mentored under were not just accepted, they were joyously embraced by the American public who wanted quick and easy solutions to their problems. And since these quacks were mobile, they honed their craft in one city and moved to the next quite quickly, because while sometimes the products they sold just didn't work, they could sometimes be outright fucking deadly."

• 53:00Speaker 05

  No, especially if they involved mercury or any of the things that are like, you know, you shouldn't probably be ingesting and then-

• 53:06Marcus Parks?

  Quite a bit of them involved mercury, lead, arsenic, a lot of shit.

• 53:11Speaker 05

  And by the time you're ready, once, like, you know, you could last for about a week before people started really showing up with kind of like, long-form issues from it.

• 53:20Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 53:20Speaker 05

  And then you could bust out of town.

• 53:22Marcus Parks?

  Kidney failure happened a lot.

• 53:23Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 53:23Marcus Parks?

  But that takes a bit. Now, to understand how John Brinkley was able to eventually convince people that implanting goat testicles into their bodies could cure impotence, we have to talk for a bit about just how haphazard and dangerous Western medicine was in those days, especially in America, and a lot of it revolves around the substances that were sold at these medicine shows, and these medicines, and they were also sold, by the way, at pharmacies in every town and city in America. Products like Hamlin's wizard oil were known as patent medicines, which were marketed with a variety of designations, elixirs, tonics, tinctures, nostrums, and most advertised themselves as cures for a large range of medical maladies.

• 54:06Marcus Parks?

  An elixir wouldn't just cure a headache, it would cure a headache, excessive flatulence, it would cure, you know, the shakes, the jimmies, whatever you had.

• 54:15Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 54:15Marcus Parks?

  But despite the name, patented medicines were not patented. By using the word "patent," quack doctors were implying to the consumer that the product had been officially examined and endorsed, but the name was actually an explicit lie in itself.

• 54:31Speaker 03

  Was the name the thing that was patented and not the actual product?

• 54:34Marcus Parks?

  Nothing was patented, they just put the word "patent" in there. There were no laws, there were no rules, there were no regulations about any, anybody could do anything.

• 54:43Speaker 03

  Well, a time to be alive.

• 54:45Speaker 05

  According to, do you know what was in Hamlin's wizard oil? This is amazing. It was made of 50 to 70% alcohol and had camphor, ammonia, chloroform, sassafras, and turpentine in it.

• 54:58Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 54:58Speaker 05

  And you were to drink it.

• 54:59Marcus Parks?

  Yep.

• 54:59Speaker 05

  That's you fucking rail, dude.

• 55:01Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, dude. Oh, yeah. Oh, we're about to get into the shit that got you railed. I mean, nobody was overseeing the creation and distribution of patent medicines, so there was no telling what was actually in them. You know, a lot of them, like Hamlin's wizard, had all sorts of horrible shit, but most often, patent medicines would make a person feel better temporarily because these medicines were either half-alcohol or laced with morphine, opium, cocaine, cannabis, or sometimes just a dash of everything.

• 55:32Speaker 05

  Cool.

• 55:33Marcus Parks?

  And these weren't just, like I said, they weren't just sold at medicine shows, you could just walk into a pharmacy and buy them.

• 55:38Speaker 05

  So you could just get unicorn spray?

• 55:41Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 55:41Speaker 05

  Like, that's all that is, that's called unicorn spray.

• 55:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, people used to be so fucked up back then.

• 55:46Marcus Parks?

  All the time.

• 55:47Speaker 03

  We had no idea, they didn't know what drugs they were doing.

• 55:49Marcus Parks?

  No idea. But worst of all, these medicines were made by companies or individuals who knew for a fact that putting these drugs into these patent medicines, these were deadly concoctions. For example, pure morphine was sometimes packaged as a way to calm teething babies.

• 56:08Speaker 05

  It would, it really does.

• 56:09Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, and it definitely did. One morphine-based baby medicine called Dr. Winslow's Soothing Syrup was on the market until 1930.

• 56:20Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 56:21Marcus Parks?

  And this was despite the fact that people were noticing as early as 1911 that your baby could die if you gave them this soothing syrup.

• 56:31Speaker 05

  Yeah, but at least it's quiet.

• 56:32Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 56:33Speaker 05

  It's nice and relaxed.

• 56:34Marcus Parks?

  It's very, it's super relaxed.

• 56:36Speaker 05

  Very soothing.

• 56:36Speaker 03

  When babies die, they tend to get very quiet.

• 56:38Speaker 05

  Super quiet.

• 56:39Speaker 03

  You don't even know they're there.

• 56:41Speaker 05

  And the thing is that when they get really cold, the best part about them is you could wrap a couple bottles of whiskey around their cold bodies to make the bottles cold.

• 56:51Speaker 03

  That's the best part.

• 56:52Speaker 05

  Yeah, that is the best part.

• 56:53Marcus Parks?

  Now, because so many patent medicines were full of incredibly addictive drugs that made you feel good, some patent medicines became extremely popular, and there are quite a few that are still around today. We, however, know them in their modern form as soda pop. In fact, one could argue that the popularity of soda in America can be traced directly to patent medicines. 7-Up, for example, was marketed as a hangover cure, and 7-Up is still great for a hangover, but originally 7-Up helped the hangover because it was full of lithium.

• 57:26Speaker 05

  Oh!

• 57:27Marcus Parks?

  The mood stabilizer. Made you feel better.

• 57:30Speaker 05

  Fuck, yeah, like Kurt Cobain, dude.

• 57:32Marcus Parks?

  Yeah. Famously Coca-Cola was full of cocaine. It's in the fucking name, but it was also marketed as a remedy for morphine addiction that you would get from taking other patent medicines.

• 57:42Speaker 05

  That's fascinating, because like, iron, iron, bruh. Your favorite. Iron, bruh.

• 57:47Marcus Parks?

  Dude, it's so easy to say. Iron brew.

• 57:49Speaker 05

  Iron brew.

• 57:50Marcus Parks?

  Iron brew.

• 57:50Speaker 05

  Iron brew. Forty thousand bottles were sold in last week, by the way.

• 57:56Marcus Parks?

  From who?

• 57:57Speaker 05

  Scotland. But they said it's still like a hangover cure.

• 58:02Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, dude, iron, well, the thing is, like, they don't have the original iron brew formula anymore, so it doesn't work quite as well for hangovers.

• 58:10Speaker 05

  Because you said vermouth in it?

• 58:11Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 58:12Speaker 05

  It's like one of those.

• 58:13Marcus Parks?

  The iron brew energy drink, though, still tastes like original iron brew, and that shit will, that'll whap a hangover pretty quickly.

• 58:20Speaker 05

  Sometimes, I mean, you know, if you puke it all day, you throw a little Coca-Cola in you, you feel all right. Dude, when I was hungover as fuck at New York Comic-Con after our show, after our Brooklyn show, I legitimately, that Coke fixed me. I had a Coca-Cola morning and fixed me.

• 58:33Marcus Parks?

  Oh, no, I usually, that's one of my hangover things, is a big, you know, a big can of Coca-Cola. You just fucking drink it down.

• 58:39Speaker 05

  Thanks, Coca-Cola.

• 58:41Marcus Parks?

  Well, but to bring it full circle back to boners, Dr. Pepper's main selling point was that it restored vim, vigor, and vitality. It was a digestivate as well. As we said earlier, vim, vigor, and vitality were code words that patent medicine makers use to market impotence cures. So the pep in Dr. Pepper is indeed the pep that you might feel in one's pants.

• 59:04Speaker 05

  So that's why I feel like that when I drink Dr. Pepper.

• 59:07Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, that's why you feel kinda horny.

• 59:09Speaker 05

  Horny as fuck. Unbridled.

• 59:14Speaker 05

  I fuck so good on Dr. Pepper.

• 59:16Marcus Parks?

  I fuck so good on Dr. Pepper.

• 59:20Speaker 05

  Feel like Madonna sex book horny. Remember that one?

• 59:23Marcus Parks?

  I remember that one.

• 59:24Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 59:24Marcus Parks?

  Now, just before John Brinkley got into the patent medicine and quack doctor game, the government passed the Pure Food and Drug Act of 1906, which also created the FDA.

• 59:33Speaker 05

  Fucking wee, wussy fucking pieces of shit.

• 59:36Speaker 03

  They're very awful.

• 59:37Marcus Parks?

  This required manufacturers to actually list the ingredients on the bottle. So if you're, if you had morphine in your patent medicine, you had to say it was morphine. It was 40% alcohol, you had to say it was 40% alcohol.

• 59:48Speaker 03

  Now, if you use less of it, is it less caffeine?

• 59:51Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 59:52Speaker 05

  Cotty's great.

• 59:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 59:54Speaker 05

  Cotty's great.

• 59:54Speaker 03

  You pay for it.

• 59:58Marcus Parks?

  But the quacks fought back. In 1912, the Supreme Court ruled that just so long as patent medicines put the ingredients on the bottle, companies could claim that their products could do basically anything. Anyone could mix a bunch of useless shit in a bottle and tell the public that it cured cancer. And whether it cured cancer or not, it was legal for the manufacturer to do so. Thank you, Supreme Court. That was the law of the land until 1938, when the FDA mandated that medicines had to prove that they were, at the very least, not harmful. This rule was put into place after over 100 people died from drinking a curative called elixir sulfonalamide, which was basically industrial solvent with raspberry flavoring that caused kidney failure.

• 1:00:43Speaker 05

  Oh, great.

• 1:00:45Marcus Parks?

  But in between the Pure Food and Drug Act of 1906 and the new laws of 1938, Dr. John Brinkley took medical quackery to new levels and marketed dozens, if not hundreds, of medicines and procedures in addition to his goat gland surgery. At best, Brinkley's methods worked as placebos. At worst, they were deadly, as 42 souls discovered to their eternal misfortune.

• 1:01:13Speaker 05

  I do think that people in America, especially at this time period, actually love the concept of a self-taught, self-governing doctor.

• 1:01:21Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:22Speaker 05

  They love this idea that he taught himself everything, and then he did, he didn't have a governing body tell him what to do. It's like, so it's almost like, kind of what we're seeing with the current, like, MAGA movement, like, kind of like a view into, like, that's a self-made man.

• 1:01:35Marcus Parks?

  Yeah. Well, it was far more, well, tellingly, that was far more the idea in rural areas. They liked a doctor who was also a farmer, you know, like, they...

• 1:01:46Speaker 05

  Just as dumb as them. That's what they want. They want the doctor to be just as dumb as them, so they can be like, I could be one, or just be like, he knows how to talk to me.

• 1:01:56Marcus Parks?

  Well, it was, it's partly that, but it was also, you know, there was something about change, you know, like, there's, there's always, usually these rural doctors, these like, mountain doctors, they would have two jobs. They'd be a doctor on the side, but they would have these folk remedies that, and a lot of these folk remedies, they do actually work. Like, some of them very much work.

• 1:02:19Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, I bet, because some of it, again, it's just like, if it's low-level stomach issues, or like, you know, there is many natural things that are used that got turned into actual medicines that are very, like, you know, they're a part of it.

• 1:02:31Marcus Parks?

  It's all chemistry.

• 1:02:33Speaker 05

  Yeah, folk medicine's been a thing for a long time. There's been good pallidives and stuff that have made it have actually worked forever.

• 1:02:38Speaker 03

  It totally works. Just ask James Vanderbrecht.

• 1:02:39Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah. Steve Jobs. These guys are fucking crushing it out there.

• 1:02:44Marcus Parks?

  And I'm talking like, for a headache, or like, you know, like, or like, you know, my tummy hurts, like, otherwise, go to the doctor. But when, for some reason, in rural America around this time, when a guy showed up in town and said, like, I went to school to become a doctor, they didn't like it. They didn't trust it.

• 1:03:05Speaker 03

  They still don't. They hate scientists.

• 1:03:07Marcus Parks?

  They really don't. Yeah, they really do.

• 1:03:08Speaker 03

  It's like, don't take your vaccines. They're gonna make you dumb.

• 1:03:11Speaker 05

  They're scared.

• 1:03:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:03:12Speaker 05

  They're scared.

• 1:03:13Speaker 03

  Also, I think a lot of it, to go back to him one more time, Lincoln.

• 1:03:16Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:16Speaker 03

  Self-taught person, became president, changed the fucking country.

• 1:03:20Marcus Parks?

  Sure.

• 1:03:21Speaker 05

  But he was like a genius. He was like one of those very special men of history.

• 1:03:25Marcus Parks?

  Yeah. And so, now that we have a solid base of knowledge when it comes to how John Brinkley was able to get away with so much shit throughout his career, let's return to John Brinkley's education in flim-flamery with his Quaker Medicine Show mentor in 1907. Amongst other techniques, John learned that quoting from the Bible subconsciously caused the audience to place their trust in the huckster. And since John had a photographic memory and a religious upbringing, he could quote the Bible with the best of them. John also learned to capitalize on the fears that audiences already had towards doctors, claiming that following the advice of a trained physician would only lead to the grave, because traditional

• 1:04:06Marcus Parks?

  doctors didn't pay attention to new discoveries. Traditional doctors were a bunch of fucking nerds, obsessed with their stupid scientific method, which only slowed down progress while you out there in the audience suffered day after day. In other words, the sentiment behind those doctors hate this one little trick pop-up ads, that shit's been going on for well over a century.

• 1:04:28Speaker 05

  Let me just put it out there. A doctor doesn't hate anything that actually works. You know what I mean? A doctor is super excited for you to figure, if you do have something that works, they'll be like, great.

• 1:04:37Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, they love it. They didn't tell, they want you to tell them so they can tell other people, so they can treat other people.

• 1:04:43Speaker 03

  You know, one thing they told me when I was like, on diabetes, is to not have apples because they're full of sugar, even though the people say, you know, apple a day keeps the doctor away, but it would kill me.

• 1:04:52Speaker 05

  But this is my thing. If fruit, if fruit sugar can kill me, I'll just fucking die.

• 1:04:58Speaker 03

  You think that?

• 1:04:58Speaker 05

  If fruit, if it's just fruit that can kill me, I, what else am I supposed to eat? If it's not fruit?

• 1:05:06Speaker 03

  Do you know there's sugar in carrots?

• 1:05:07Speaker 05

  That's fucking horseshit. It don't taste like it.

• 1:05:10Speaker 03

  No, certainly doesn't.

• 1:05:11Marcus Parks?

  It's fine.

• 1:05:12Speaker 05

  You know what I'm saying?

• 1:05:13Speaker 03

  You'll be okay.

• 1:05:13Marcus Parks?

  It's just one of those things, you know?

• 1:05:15Speaker 05

  Eggs one week I can't have. Milk I can't have.

• 1:05:19Speaker 03

  And then the next week, you're all eggs again.

• 1:05:21Speaker 05

  Full of eggs.

• 1:05:24Speaker 05

  I ate a bunch of egg salad for breakfast.

• 1:05:26Speaker 03

  I don't believe you.

• 1:05:27Speaker 05

  You don't?

• 1:05:28Speaker 03

  No, I believe you.

• 1:05:30Marcus Parks?

  And so, with his father's more altruistic mountain medicine traditions playing the angel on John's shoulder, and the Quaker Medicine Show hucksterism playing the devil, John Brinkley and his wife moved to Chicago in 1907, where John declared that he was finally going to attend medical school.

• 1:05:46Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 1:05:47Marcus Parks?

  Now, medicine was, to say the least, in a transitory period in the late 19th century. While germ theory had won out over miasma theory by 1890, the old ways of traditional folk medicine had been butting up against modern medical breakthroughs in America since the middle of the century. So to try and standardize medical care and treatment in this country, legitimate doctors formed the American Medical Association in 1847 to draw a line between the doctors who actually went to medical school and the traveling patent medicine men who were just calling themselves doctors. The problem, though, was that every state began to enact their own medical regulations. So if a med student

• 1:06:28Marcus Parks?

  couldn't meet the requirements in one state, he could just go to another state where the regulations weren't as tough. John Brinkley definitely took advantage of this state-by-state.

• 1:06:38Speaker 05

  That's smart.

• 1:06:39Marcus Parks?

  To muddy the waters further, there also wasn't a set standard for what a medical school actually was, or what it should teach. So by the time John Brinkley started looking around for medical schools, there was a divide in med schools between what came to be known as the regulars and the irregulars. The regulars belonged to the AMA, which used pure science to treat patients. This eventually became modern medicine. It's technically known as a alopathy.

• 1:07:06Speaker 03

  Oh, so the regulars went to the AMA and the irregulars went to UCB.

• 1:07:13Marcus Parks?

  But just because allopathy won, that doesn't mean that the irregulars went away. The medical schools who were considered irregulars are still very much alive. The most common of which is, of course, the homeopaths.

• 1:07:27Speaker 05

  What you call me?

• 1:07:28Marcus Parks?

  Yeah. Homeopaths believe that something that causes symptoms in a healthy person can be used to cure a sick person. For example, a raw onion causes tears and a runny nose in a healthy person. So a homeopath might use a raw onion to treat a cold, as they say, like cures like.

• 1:07:44Speaker 05

  Leave me fucking alone with these onions.

• 1:07:46Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, I know.

• 1:07:47Speaker 05

  I don't want an onion based cure.

• 1:07:48Marcus Parks?

  Why are you so angry today? Why are you yelling about everything?

• 1:07:51Speaker 05

  I'm not everything, it's with the onion based cure.

• 1:07:53Marcus Parks?

  I can't, every single thing I say, you're yelling about.

• 1:07:57Speaker 05

  No, I'm not mad at you. Mad at time and onions. I love onions. I love onions. I just want onions for pleasure, not for medicine.

• 1:08:04Marcus Parks?

  I mentioned erectile dysfunction once and you've been hot ever since.

• 1:08:09Speaker 05

  I'm the hardest man you've ever met.

• 1:08:13Speaker 05

  I'm honestly quite hard. I get quite hard. It's actually a problem.

• 1:08:16Marcus Parks?

  That's nice.

• 1:08:17Speaker 05

  I'm like villainously horny.

• 1:08:19Marcus Parks?

  All right.

• 1:08:20Speaker 05

  Criminal level.

• 1:08:21Marcus Parks?

  All right.

• 1:08:22Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 1:08:26Marcus Parks?

  Also included in the irregular category are what are called the eclectics, which still include chiropractors and osteopaths. They also, however, include blood letters and purveyors of herbal medicine that make a lot of promises without any real scientific evidence. Anything that was sold by Alex Jones in his heyday or is currently hawked by less respectable podcasters than ourselves are a part of the eclectic group. Although I will fully cop to the fact that we have sold our fair share of supplements on this show. In fact, I would say the podcasts have halfway turned into the modern equivalent of a medicine show. It's a bunch of shitheads making a lot of entertaining noise for the sole purpose of selling you a product that you hope might work.

• 1:09:09Marcus Parks?

  This episode, by the way, is brought to you by him.

• 1:09:12Speaker 05

  Hey, thanks for ad money.

• 1:09:16Speaker 05

  They're a bell mill. They believe our all, every single thing we say about medical stuff, they believe.

• 1:09:21Marcus Parks?

  Yes.

• 1:09:21Speaker 05

  And they should.

• 1:09:22Marcus Parks?

  They really should.

• 1:09:23Speaker 05

  They do such a good job on checking people's criminal records before they send them boner pills. They should.

• 1:09:29Marcus Parks?

  Now, John Brinkley definitely subscribed to homeopathy, but he was far more a part of the eclectic school of medicine, as you could imagine from his future role as the gland man. But whether one chose to go into an allopath, a homeopath, or an eclectic school, it was becoming obvious at the turn of the 20th century that there was a lot of money to be made in healing the sick. So medical schools that gave extensive training in all three varieties of medicine began popping up around the country. But despite the fact that there were far fewer homeopath and eclectic schools than legitimate med schools, the irregular schools produced far more graduates. They were basically diploma mills.

• 1:10:12Marcus Parks?

  But since Americans didn't know any better, men like John Brinkley ran rampant for decades.

• 1:10:19Speaker 05

  Oh, so like hymns for diplomas? Yes.

• 1:10:25Marcus Parks?

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• 1:10:52Speaker 06

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• 1:11:26Speaker 01

  Tonight on NBC, it's an all new season of Happy's Place. They're the best crew bar none.

• 1:11:34Speaker 07

  So what exactly were you going for here? The greatest drink in the history of the world. It is not that.

• 1:11:40Speaker 01

  Then it's a brand new comedy with Taya Leone, Tim Daly, and very special guest star, Jamie Lee Curtis.

• 1:11:46Speaker 06

  You married a stranger? Are you even compatible? Is he after your money? I don't have any money.

• 1:11:52Speaker 01

  Newlyweds premieres tonight on NBC.

• 1:11:58Marcus Parks?

  Now, Brinkley got accepted to the Bennett Medical College of Chicago, which was an eclectic med school that only required a high school diploma. Being a mountain boy, Brinkley never even went to high school. But after getting the 1908 equivalent of a GED, only cost him 25 bucks.

• 1:12:14Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 1:12:15Marcus Parks?

  He enrolled and became engrossed in the world of unconventional medical practices. Specifically, Brinkley became obsessed with an early endocrinologist named Dr. Henry Harrower, who studied glands.

• 1:12:27Speaker 05

  I bet he did.

• 1:12:28Marcus Parks?

  Glands are cells or organs that produce or secrete substances that organisms need to make or get rid of to survive. Sweat glands, thyroid glands, pituitary glands, adrenal glands.

• 1:12:41Speaker 05

  Frat glands.

• 1:12:42Marcus Parks?

  All very important glands.

• 1:12:44Speaker 05

  I just feel like the guy that's just, he's just focused on glands.

• 1:12:48Marcus Parks?

  He loves glands. Well, as important as glands are, Dr. Harrower came to believe that glands were the key to a long and healthy life. And this was really common in those days. Every guy had the one thing.

• 1:13:00Speaker 05

  It was a stick.

• 1:13:01Marcus Parks?

  That he's like, if you take care of this, this is what, this is the key to a healthy and happy life. But Harrower became convinced that implanting or consuming the glands of animals could have various positive effects on the body. But Brinkley would in time take Harrower's gland theories to the next level.

• 1:13:20Speaker 05

  Yeah, because right now it's like, yeah, sure, you get iron and food and stuff, I guess, from eating certain glands. But a lot of it's also quite cholesterol ridden. It's quite bad for you.

• 1:13:28Marcus Parks?

  It's not, no, no, no, they're not right.

• 1:13:30Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:13:30Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, I mean, you do need glands and your glands need to be healthy. You know, your pituitary gland gets all fucked up and you know, that's really going to be, play hell with you. Your adrenal glands get fucked up. That's going to be a bad time.

• 1:13:42Speaker 05

  The, um, the adrenochrome in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, is that real? Does that get you fucked up if you take it? Do we know? Adrenochrome is one of those, like, that is one of those internet things.

• 1:13:54Marcus Parks?

  It's not real. I don't.

• 1:13:55Speaker 05

  I don't know if it's real.

• 1:13:57Marcus Parks?

  I don't think it's real.

• 1:13:58Speaker 05

  So according to Wikipedia, it is a created, um, it is created. You can make it.

• 1:14:04Marcus Parks?

  Okay, from like animals adrenaline glands?

• 1:14:06Speaker 05

  I guess it's from ours.

• 1:14:08Marcus Parks?

  Please, I'm really curious about this. Side stories, L P O T L at gmail dot com. Yeah, I always thought it was a myth.

• 1:14:13Speaker 05

  I thought it was, yeah, well, this conspiracy of where it comes from, the idea that it comes from babies, right? Like children.

• 1:14:19Marcus Parks?

  Doesn't come from babies and children.

• 1:14:21Speaker 05

  No, because again, it wouldn't be enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:14:26Speaker 05

  I think it's from dogs. You're right. Moving on. Done. Thank you. Right in.

• 1:14:31Marcus Parks?

  Now, Brinkley's medical schooling put a strain on his marriage. His wife resented how much time and money he spent on his education. So she actually left him and started divorce proceedings. Since John Brinkley was somewhat unbalanced, he actually kidnapped their daughter and took her to Canada to avoid alimony payments. Brinkley and his wife eventually reconciled, but she soon left him again to return to North Carolina. He dropped out of med school in his third year to follow her, but he soon left her again for St. Louis. There, he just fucking bought a dubious diploma for a hundred dollars from an institution with an equally dubious name. It was called the University of Arts and Sciences.

• 1:15:13Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, that's a old place.

• 1:15:15Marcus Parks?

  Yeah. Brinkley then moved back to North Carolina to give it one last shot with Sally, but she soon gave him an ultimatum. Either quit this damn fool dream of becoming a doctor and take a good job at Western Union, or this marriage is over.

• 1:15:31Speaker 05

  It's the first time that has ever happened.

• 1:15:34Speaker 05

  A woman begging her husband to not be a doctor.

• 1:15:37Marcus Parks?

  Brinkley, of course, chose his dream and he left Sally for good in 1914.

• 1:15:42Speaker 05

  The old St. Louis toodleoo.

• 1:15:45Speaker 05

  Normally involves leaving her cut in half in the river.

• 1:15:50Marcus Parks?

  No, that's called a, that's a Cleveland goodbye.

• 1:15:52Speaker 05

  Ah, yes, yes, yes.

• 1:15:54Marcus Parks?

  Now, other than his marital troubles, we don't know a lot about Brinkley's life in the early 1910s. Brinkley's name appears in states all over the country where he would attend various med schools, then skip town to avoid bill collectors when tuition came due. So he, he got to take half a semester a lot.

• 1:16:11Speaker 05

  You know, you put enough of them together. You think I could take the second half? Well, then you show up halfway through.

• 1:16:20Marcus Parks?

  But what we do know is that in 1912, he worked for a man in Tennessee named Dr. Burke, who specialized in the treatment of gonorrhea and syphilis. It's suspected that it was Dr. Burke who first introduced John Brinkley to the idea that there was a lot of money to be made in sexual wellness. And all the while, glands were dancing in Brinkley's dreams.

• 1:16:42Speaker 05

  Like sugar plums.

• 1:16:44Marcus Parks?

  You know, sugar plums and glands?

• 1:16:45Speaker 05

  Same.

• 1:16:46Marcus Parks?

  Similar.

• 1:16:46Speaker 05

  They really look alike.

• 1:16:47Marcus Parks?

  They do. So after learning all he could from Dr. Burke, John moved to Chicago where he met a salesman named John Crawford, who'd previously done jail time for robbing the Hotel Mayo in Tulsa, Oklahoma. John Crawford was a guy with a lot of big ideas. Crawford wanted Brinkley to go with him to China. Because in China, you don't need a medical degree to practice medicine.

• 1:17:09Speaker 05

  Fuck yeah.

• 1:17:10Marcus Parks?

  Yeah. But instead of that insane idea, the two men opened an office in Greenville, South Carolina, focused on sexual wellness. They began running ads in newspapers, asking this pointed question.

• 1:17:22Speaker 05

  Are you a manly man?

• 1:17:24Speaker 03

  Man full of vigor. Yeah.

• 1:17:28Marcus Parks?

  No.

• 1:17:29Speaker 03

  No, yeah, you, yeah, come here, sir, come here, you skinny little boy.

• 1:17:32Marcus Parks?

  Well, if the answer was no, then Brinkley and Crawford offered an injection that was supposed to revitalize your sex drive. It cost twenty-five dollars, which doesn't sound like a lot, but in nineteen, was it nineteen twelve? That had the same buying power today, nearly a thousand bucks. Like, it's twenty-five dollars was a lot of fucking money.

• 1:17:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:17:53Marcus Parks?

  And this is important, because the injections, it was just colored water. Like, it was just water and food coloring, and that's it. And after their scam was discovered, within just two months, Brinkley and Crawford were chased out of Greenville, where they left behind all of their doctor supplies, a mountain of debt, and a lot of bad checks.

• 1:18:12Speaker 05

  Is it kind of like how modern-day extreme ED medication has to be stuck right into your penis? I was gonna ask the same thing, actually.

• 1:18:19Marcus Parks?

  It does?

• 1:18:20Speaker 05

  Well, if you, extreme, uh, there's like, an extreme treatment where they literally like, stab you in the penis, and they shoot you directly in the penis.

• 1:18:28Speaker 03

  Do you? I was asking, yeah, do you think they used the penis for these shots?

• 1:18:33Marcus Parks?

  I don't think so.

• 1:18:33Speaker 05

  No, I think that'd be a big ask.

• 1:18:35Marcus Parks?

  That is a big ask.

• 1:18:37Speaker 05

  That's a lot. You'd have to really show me a track record. That this works.

• 1:18:42Marcus Parks?

  Yeah. So after the Greenville debacle, Brinkley and Crawford retreated to Crawford's hometown of Memphis, where Crawford introduced Brinkley to a doctor with the incredible name of Doctor Todd Berius Gracchus Jones, who, despite being a white man, has the best blaxploitation name I've ever heard in my life.

• 1:19:01Speaker 03

  I am a white man. I don't need your judgment. Me, the man. Doctor Todd Berius Gracchus Jones.

• 1:19:12Marcus Parks?

  What was important here is that Doctor Jones had a daughter with an equally incredible name, Minerva Talitha Jones. Minerva, however, went by the name of Minnie.

• 1:19:21Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 1:19:22Marcus Parks?

  Minnie was just twenty-one years old, but she perfectly matched John Brinkley's, let's say, energy and ambitions, which is another way of saying that Minnie's morals were just as flexible as John's.

• 1:19:33Speaker 03

  Oh, is it Minerva Mouse?

• 1:19:36Marcus Parks?

  Minerva Mouse?

• 1:19:37Speaker 05

  It might be.

• 1:19:38Speaker 03

  Minnie Mouse?

• 1:19:38Marcus Parks?

  Minnie Mouse, yeah.

• 1:19:39Speaker 05

  Minerva, I did not even know that it was short for, because it's like, my grandmother was Carmella.

• 1:19:44Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:19:45Speaker 05

  Millie.

• 1:19:45Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:19:46Speaker 05

  That's where Millie comes from. That is a very, I did not know that about Minnie.

• 1:19:50Speaker 03

  Minerva Mouse.

• 1:19:51Speaker 05

  Oh, Minerva.

• 1:19:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:19:54Marcus Parks?

  And I guess, and Mickey would be Michael Mouse.

• 1:19:56Speaker 03

  Michael, hi.

• 1:19:57Marcus Parks?

  Hi, Michael and Minerva Mouse.

• 1:19:59Speaker 03

  It's my wife, Minerva. We're mice.

• 1:20:03Marcus Parks?

  Michael?

• 1:20:04Speaker 03

  Don't be a prob, don't have a problem with my giant gloves.

• 1:20:08Marcus Parks?

  Michael and Minerva Mouse sound like funeral directors.

• 1:20:14Speaker 03

  Minerva, hi, I'm Mike. Mike Mouse. The sadness takes us all.

• 1:20:22Speaker 03

  That's what I, that's the voice I use for work. Right? This is me, you're talking to Michael. Death isn't the end, it's just what's next.

• 1:20:33Marcus Parks?

  Well, Minerva Minnie, of course. Minnie and John were soon married, and they used the last of Brinkley's profits from the Greenville scam to go on a five-week honeymoon to those most romantic of American cities, Denver and Kansas City.

• 1:20:48Speaker 03

  Fuck, yeah.

• 1:20:49Marcus Parks?

  At this point, John was twenty-eight years old and ready to take on the world. But when they returned to Memphis, they found that Brinkley's partner, John Crawford, had been put in jail. Brinkley had no idea why Crawford had been arrested, but when one fraudster goes behind bars, his partner usually sees it as a sign that it's time to skip town.

• 1:21:09Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 1:21:09Marcus Parks?

  So Brinkley took his new wife, Minnie, to Knoxville. Brinkley's ex-wife Sally, however, had somehow found out about the Greenville scam, and out of just pure fucking spite, she set in motion a chain of events that got Brinkley extradited back to Greenville.

• 1:21:28Speaker 03

  Hell, yeah, man, I love when a fucking lady gets mad and just fucking does it all, dude.

• 1:21:32Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:21:35Marcus Parks?

  Oh, and she, and that's the, I actually skipped over quite a bit of like, she was horrible. Like, she, like, yeah, she was an absolutely just vindictive, horrible person. Brinkley was horrible as well.

• 1:21:46Speaker 05

  That's what you get.

• 1:21:47Marcus Parks?

  He got what he got. But in Greenville, Brinkley was charged with practicing medicine without a license, because apparently that diploma that he'd spent a hundred dollars on, that was worthless. Brinkley, however, subscribed to the principle that there was no honor among thieves. He ratted out his old partner, John Crawford, to get himself a better deal, and using his father-in-law's connections, Brinkley managed to get out of jail with a two-hundred-dollar fine. Amazingly, though, once Crawford paid off both of their debts to the tune of four-hundred dollars, he and Brinkley left town together and agreed to part ways as friends after Brinkley agreed to cover a portion of the four-hundred dollars that Crawford was forced to pay back. It never happens.

• 1:22:31Speaker 05

  No, but he's good, I mean, it sounds like he's a real con man.

• 1:22:33Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, very much so, yeah, because a real con man, like, yeah, sorry, I fucked you over, but, meh.

• 1:22:38Speaker 05

  Hey, you know, it's good.

• 1:22:39Marcus Parks?

  We could work together again someday.

• 1:22:40Speaker 05

  It's business.

• 1:22:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was just a portion, too, it could be ten bucks.

• 1:22:45Marcus Parks?

  It was enough for them to shake hands and say, see you later.

• 1:22:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:22:48Marcus Parks?

  Now, this was the early twentieth century, so a man in America could very easily leave his past behind if he simply moved. And he often didn't even have to go that far. After setting up in South Carolina, Brinkley moved to Kansas City, Missouri, where he opened a medical practice in October of nineteen fourteen. By May of the next year, Brinkley had decided that his future lay in the crotches of droopy-dicked Americans, and he therefore finally obtained a legitimate enough degree from an unknown institution that said he specialized in, quote, "the irritations and enlargement of the prostate in elderly men."

• 1:23:25Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 1:23:26Marcus Parks?

  He also got accredited by the State Board of Health of Missouri, which put him on the same level as his legitimate allopath contemporaries. By nineteen sixteen, Brinkley had purchased medical licenses in six other states where the standards were just as low as Missouri's, and the world in which he could ply his trade became that much larger for John Brinkley.

• 1:23:49Speaker 05

  It was all kind of there for him.

• 1:23:50Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, I mean, you know, you're willing to put, he did work hard at becoming a huckster.

• 1:23:55Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's the thing, he really put a lot of hours in.

• 1:23:58Speaker 03

  If he really would, if he just would have studied medicine.

• 1:24:00Speaker 05

  He might have been a doctor.

• 1:24:01Speaker 03

  It would have taken the same amount of time.

• 1:24:03Marcus Parks?

  Well, I'm gonna get to that here in a second, actually. Now, it took a little while for Brinkley to establish himself as a doctor in Kansas City, so he took a second job to make ends meet. This side hustle, however, was what gave Brinkley the idea for which he would become infamous. Brinkley got a job at a meatpacking plant called the Swift Packing Company, and during a conversation with government meat inspectors one day about diseases jumping from animal to man, Brinkley was told that goats were immune to all diseases that were harmful and contagious to humans. The inspectors told Brinkley that the goat was the safest animal to eat, because they'd observed half a million goats being slaughtered, never once ever seen an illness jump from goat to man.

• 1:24:45Speaker 03

  Goat's strong, man, you can hit him in the head with a hammer. But it's not true. It's not true. It's not true. These go jump all the time from goat, you get sick from a goat. Goat's strong.

• 1:24:55Marcus Parks?

  Several.

• 1:24:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, but his strongness puts an illness in you. But he can. I know, that's bad, dude, it's, our glands, their glands are different. Yeah, they dance on the side of mountains, they're cool, man. It is fun, I like them.

• 1:25:09Marcus Parks?

  Several diseases can carry from goats to humans. But Brinkley took what these inspectors said as gospel, and when he combined that with his obsession over the gland studies of Doctor Henry Harrower, the first seeds of an infamous idea were planted. And by nineteen seventeen, Brinkley and his new wife Minnie had settled in the town of Fulton, Kansas, where Brinkley specialized in elder care, filling prescriptions for constipation, liver problems, and kidney dysfunction. Reportedly, this is where Brinkley developed one of his favorite slogans, which, of course, slyly referred to the penis. He said, quote.

• 1:25:46Speaker 03

  An old stovepipe won't draw if it isn't cleaned out.

• 1:25:50Marcus Parks?

  You gotta clean out your stovepipe.

• 1:25:52Speaker 03

  I mean, it makes sense.

• 1:25:53Speaker 05

  But what does it mean, though, so like, maybe that you'd come, you need to come?

• 1:25:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, if your come doesn't come out, it creates a little pocket in there, and then it just gets all caught up in there.

• 1:26:02Marcus Parks?

  Well, it's not just come, it's also piss and shit as well. If you're, if you're not shitting on the regular, and, and, and you're not pissing well, and you're not coming, then that old soap pop won't draw.

• 1:26:12Speaker 05

  Yeah, because then you won't do it, because you're not getting liquids in if you can't get liquids out?

• 1:26:17Marcus Parks?

  It's just, I mean, it's one of those folksy things that sounds good, but ultimately doesn't make any sense.

• 1:26:21Speaker 05

  Doesn't mean anything.

• 1:26:22Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, doesn't mean anything at all.

• 1:26:23Speaker 03

  It's like the kind of slogan that means nothing, but would make you president.

• 1:26:26Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:26Speaker 03

  Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah, oh, yeah.

• 1:26:30Marcus Parks?

  Well, Fulton was also where Brinkley grew out his trademark facial hair, a mustache and a goatee, and his hair was very much what we referred to a few years ago as the Fashi style, high and tight. Actually, if you look at a picture of Brinkley back then, Google it, he would not be at all out of place as a Proud Boy or a similar alt-right shithead today. Apparently, there's something quite attractive about this style to a certain type of person. Fascists love this style, because even though Brinkley was styling himself like this in nineteen seventeen, he would one day become a staunch supporter of Adolf Hitler.

• 1:27:03Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 1:27:04Marcus Parks?

  Yeah. But back in nineteen seventeen, Brinkley and Minnie decided that their dreams were bigger than treating constipation in old men. So in October of that year, they found a tiny town in Kansas called Milford that had no more than two hundred people. There, they opened their own fucking hospital, which was apparently, you could just do that in nineteen seventeen.

• 1:27:26Speaker 03

  Dude, last hospital on the left.

• 1:27:31Speaker 03

  Dan, last prison on the left. Yeah.

• 1:27:36Marcus Parks?

  In, in the last hospital on the left, can all the doctors be clowns?

• 1:27:40Speaker 03

  Absolutely, I mean, you, you own it.

• 1:27:42Marcus Parks?

  Okay, that is true, all right, that's great, yeah, once everything, once everything gets like, fully deregulated within like, ten years, and we can truly start doing some really insane shit, oh my god, man.

• 1:27:53Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:27:53Marcus Parks?

  It's gonna get bad.

• 1:27:54Speaker 03

  We're gonna practice one in Guam.

• 1:27:57Marcus Parks?

  All right, great. Oh, just in the territory.

• 1:27:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, they don't know. You know that Minnie's full name is Minerva Eliza Mouse?

• 1:28:08Speaker 03

  That's her full official name.

• 1:28:10Marcus Parks?

  Minerva Eliza Mouse.

• 1:28:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, and, um, that's probably the name that, not that was father.

• 1:28:16Marcus Parks?

  Let me.

• 1:28:17Speaker 03

  It was Elias.

• 1:28:18Marcus Parks?

  Yeah. Let me ask you this, though. What's her maiden name?

• 1:28:22Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 1:28:23Marcus Parks?

  Because it implies, if her name is Mouse, that implies that Mickey and Minnie are already related.

• 1:28:29Speaker 03

  Oh, interesting. Minerva Eliza?

• 1:28:32Marcus Parks?

  Rat.

• 1:28:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, or mice. Oh, my god, she's a Hitler.

• 1:28:38Speaker 05

  Back before it was controversial. Hey, shall we all be judged by the worst person in our family? Thank you. Finally, somebody said it.

• 1:28:49Marcus Parks?

  Now, Minnie Soon actually earned a medical degree from the same type of diploma mill in Missouri, where John had gotten his degree. And she also got a barely legitimate graduate degree in nursing. So while John acted as president of the brand-new Brinkley Jones Hospital, Minnie was the vice president. But while Brinkley was a charming and friendly person, he also proved himself to be quarrelsome. See, the mayor of Milford had a beloved pet cat, and his cat somehow ate John Brinkley's pet canary.

• 1:29:20Speaker 03

  You don't fucking want to get into his bullshit with the birds.

• 1:29:22Marcus Parks?

  Fuck no. Brinkley shot and killed the mayor's cat, which resulted in a public feud.

• 1:29:28Speaker 05

  How? So, did he live next door? Did he bring the bird to work? Like, how did this fucking happen?

• 1:29:34Marcus Parks?

  The book did not go into full detail.

• 1:29:37Speaker 05

  Yeah, like, wow.

• 1:29:38Marcus Parks?

  The mayor's cat ate Brinkley's canary, and so Brinkley killed the mayor's cat.

• 1:29:43Speaker 05

  If you're a bird owner, you gotta keep the window shut. Not just for the bird could fly out, but so cats don't get in.

• 1:29:50Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 1:29:50Speaker 05

  How did the cat get inside the cage?

• 1:29:54Speaker 05

  It's Brinkley's fault.

• 1:29:55Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:55Speaker 05

  Brinkley should have fucking killed himself.

• 1:29:58Speaker 03

  You're right.

• 1:29:59Marcus Parks?

  Well, Brinkley's feud with the mayor of Milford ended up being Brinkley's introduction into politics. He gets so pissed off at the mayor that he tried taking the mayor's job. He announced he's running for office using the cumbersome slogan,

• 1:30:13Speaker 05

  Clean up, clean out, keep clean.

• 1:30:17Marcus Parks?

  Terrible.

• 1:30:17Speaker 05

  Clean up, clean out, but keep clean.

• 1:30:20Speaker 03

  Okay, so, so get rid of it.

• 1:30:23Speaker 05

  Stay clean. Clean up, clean out, keep clean, clean, eh, clean, clean over. Clean is all about being clean.

• 1:30:34Marcus Parks?

  Brinkley won.

• 1:30:35Speaker 05

  Ah.

• 1:30:36Marcus Parks?

  He won the election. And he claimed, and this is so, I feel so bad for this mayor. Brinkley claimed that the margin of victory was so wide that the poor mayor, whose cat he killed, man sold his business and left town forever.

• 1:30:50Speaker 03

  Oh, he's a sore loser, dude. He should have fucking killed his bird.

• 1:30:53Speaker 05

  And now the mayor's a dog.

• 1:30:58Marcus Parks?

  Now, while John Brinkley's destinies would eventually lay elsewhere, Milford, Kansas was where he would build the business and develop the procedure that would make him a millionaire. And he owed it all to a farmer who approached him not two weeks after John and Millie arrived in town. This farmer went to John's office and told Brinkley that he and his wife were trying to have another child, but in the boudoir, the farmer was, as he put it, "It's flat tire down there, doc. Ain't nothing happening. No pet."

• 1:31:29Speaker 05

  No other.

• 1:31:29Speaker 03

  And flat tire.

• 1:31:30Marcus Parks?

  Flat tire, doc. Flat tire. Men will say anything, but my dick doesn't work.

• 1:31:35Speaker 05

  Yeah, I mean, they got a little stand, and that's all. It's like a. Deflated, oh, just a deflated balloon animal. There's just soup in my pants. Yeah, that's all it is. I'm sitting on Minguini. And I wish I could make a manicotti.

• 1:31:53Marcus Parks?

  Well, no other doctor could figure out the source of this farmer's impotence, so the farmer asked the new doctor in town.

• 1:31:59Speaker 05

  Have you thought about being my ugly ass wife? Yeah, sir? Is there a fucking problem?

• 1:32:04Marcus Parks?

  So the farmer asked the new doctor in town if he could help. Now, Brinkley had been working with older, impotent men for years by this point due to his specialty as a prostate man.

• 1:32:13Speaker 05

  Well, I'm a prostate man.

• 1:32:14Marcus Parks?

  Yeah. So he knew how gullible and desperate older men could be when they started having trouble in the bedroom. So Brinkley started with the soft cell, telling the farmer that he'd treated many sexually weak men with serums, medicine, even tried electricity, never found a full-on cure.

• 1:32:32Speaker 05

  One time, I had a man put a rod inside of the length of his member. I tied a kite to it. And I threw it over, I flew it over the town square when the thunderstorm came. And that's how I invented shocking somebody's balls with lightning.

• 1:32:53Speaker 05

  Did he get an erection? No. No.

• 1:32:55Marcus Parks?

  No.

• 1:32:56Speaker 05

  No. Killed him stone dead. You, sir, what we call sexually weak.

• 1:33:02Speaker 03

  That's the funny thing.

• 1:33:04Speaker 05

  You're sexually weak.

• 1:33:07Marcus Parks?

  Well, Brinkley then offhandedly commented that when, you know, he was working at that meatpacking plant, them goats in them stockyards, they didn't have any trouble with virility at all.

• 1:33:18Speaker 05

  I love watching them goats fuck each other. I understand that first, at first, of course, I was entertained. I was educated, but then also, I was jealous.

• 1:33:28Marcus Parks?

  Well, and the farmer seemed intrigued about the virility of these goats.

• 1:33:32Speaker 05

  You know what I'm saying.

• 1:33:33Marcus Parks?

  Brinkley said that the farmer, he wouldn't have any trouble if he had a pair of those butt glands in him.

• 1:33:39Speaker 05

  You need goat balls.

• 1:33:40Marcus Parks?

  So the farmer supposedly asked,

• 1:33:43Speaker 05

  Well, why don't you put them in? Well, that would be impossible, but. Incredible.

• 1:33:52Speaker 03

  Oh, my God, farmer, you're not a doctor, but are you a doctor?

• 1:33:58Marcus Parks?

  Did you go to the University of Arts and Science?

• 1:34:02Speaker 05

  No.

• 1:34:05Speaker 05

  Why stop there? Put it on the penis.

• 1:34:07Marcus Parks?

  Now, Brinkley claimed.

• 1:34:08Speaker 05

  I want a swan's brain. Can we do that?

• 1:34:13Marcus Parks?

  Now, Brinkley claimed that he was initially against the idea.

• 1:34:17Speaker 05

  Oh, I, I couldn't possibly. Balls and balls.

• 1:34:22Marcus Parks?

  But if you know anything about how scams work, it was obvious that Brinkley was leading this farmer into thinking that the whole thing was the farmer's idea.

• 1:34:32Speaker 05

  That'd be too, that'd be too incredible. That'd be too fantastic of a, too quick and too painless of a son of a, I, I don't think we can do it. I just don't know. It's just so cheap. I don't think, ah. Just a br, ah.

• 1:34:49Marcus Parks?

  Well, Brinkley argued that he didn't want people finding out that he'd done such a procedure.

• 1:34:54Speaker 05

  Cause it's like, you know.

• 1:34:55Marcus Parks?

  But the farmer said, I mean, who's to hear about it unless you tell them? And Brinkley then tried another excuse, saying, "Farmer, I don't have a goat."

• 1:35:01Speaker 05

  Yeah, where's a monkey gonna even find this so-called goat's balls?

• 1:35:06Marcus Parks?

  Well, the farmer said, "Well, hell, I got a goat. I raise him. I provide the goddamn goat."

• 1:35:12Speaker 05

  Well, I just, you are, you are tying my hands, sir. You are tying my hands to this, sir.

• 1:35:21Marcus Parks?

  So Brinkley agreed to implant goat testicles into the farmer's scrotum for $150.

• 1:35:27Speaker 05

  I'll do it for $150.

• 1:35:32Speaker 05

  I'll do it for $150.

• 1:35:33Marcus Parks?

  $150.

• 1:35:34Speaker 05

  $200 if I gotta get the old testicles myself. And I know it's an odd number, $75 for a ball. I actually view it as $50 per, human balls taken out. $25 to put in the goat balls.

• 1:35:51Marcus Parks?

  Oh, well, two weeks later, the farmer returned to report the operation, huge success.

• 1:35:57Speaker 05

  I certainly got four balls now. That is for certain.

• 1:36:03Speaker 03

  So like, did he, I mean, I'm sure this isn't in the book, but like, did he bring the goat? Did he just slice off the goat's balls and then just break the balls?

• 1:36:11Speaker 05

  Do you think it's like Indiana Jones where he has to weigh the balls in one hand and then to weigh the goat balls in the other hand and see if they match?

• 1:36:19Speaker 03

  Imagine going through your goats and trying to figure out which one gets hardest?

• 1:36:24Speaker 05

  Now, listen here, I just wanna, this may seem a bit unorthodox, but it's the first time I'm doing this procedure now. Mister Farmer, I'd like you to line up the goats. Now, I'd like for you to bend over. I'd like you to remove your pants now. Excellent. Now, I'm just gonna look and observe, using my, cause you know they always have those big, like, little pincher things?

• 1:36:44Speaker 03

  The protractor, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:36:46Speaker 05

  I'm just looking at all of the goat's balls. Well, do me a favor. Show the goats your breasts. See if we can get them a little. Get your wife out here. Get your wife out here. Get out here.

• 1:36:56Marcus Parks?

  Well, I'm gonna tell you.

• 1:37:00Marcus Parks?

  He actually did it.

• 1:37:01Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:37:01Marcus Parks?

  Brinkley did implant goat testicles into a man's scrotum, and the man did live.

• 1:37:06Speaker 03

  Crazy.

• 1:37:07Marcus Parks?

  It's also important to note that Brinkley used the testicles of baby goats no older than a month, because the testicles of a full-grown adult goat are fucking massive.

• 1:37:19Speaker 03

  How big?

• 1:37:19Marcus Parks?

  15 inches of a circumference.

• 1:37:22Speaker 03

  It's fine.

• 1:37:22Marcus Parks?

  Your balls? Okay, okay, not your balls. Let's not use yours as an example, cause I know they're abnormally large.

• 1:37:28Speaker 03

  Mine are ready to hatch.

• 1:37:32Marcus Parks?

  Well, human testicles comparatively have a circumference of only two to three inches. So if he was, he was putting the whole goat testicle in there, it was always baby goats between two and four weeks old.

• 1:37:43Speaker 05

  But I got all kinds of circumference.

• 1:37:48Speaker 05

  Kinds of circumference. I gotta say, Dr. Brinkley, I, I do, you know, I'm thinking it's great, you know, this has honestly been wonderful so far. It's just, um, but with the little baby goat's balls in there, I just feel, just kinda makes me feel like a kid. And I just kinda wish I had a fucking big ol', big ol' shit, you know, big ol' set. You're the only guy I know that I could call kid fucker and it's a compliment. Thank you.

• 1:38:17Speaker 05

  I've also had sex with my daughter.

• 1:38:21Marcus Parks?

  Who is 22 years old.

• 1:38:22Speaker 05

  She is old age. She's of age.

• 1:38:26Marcus Parks?

  Well, the story of the farmer.

• 1:38:29Speaker 05

  She's one horned goat. He couldn't even blame it.

• 1:38:32Marcus Parks?

  Well, the story of the farmer convincing Brinkley was Brinkley's version of the tale.

• 1:38:36Speaker 05

  Of course.

• 1:38:37Marcus Parks?

  According to other sources, Brinkley actually begged the farmer.

• 1:38:41Speaker 05

  You like four balls. It's gonna be the funniest thing in the world. You wouldn't even believe it. You got amazing.

• 1:38:45Speaker 03

  You're not even gonna notice that these balls aren't in there. Please, please. You got it, Lethery. Balls. You got it, Lethery. I had a dream last night.

• 1:38:54Marcus Parks?

  He begged the farmer to let him try it, according to other sources, and he only managed to get the farmer to agree after Brinkley told him that he would pay him hundreds of dollars.

• 1:39:03Speaker 05

  That's honestly sure.

• 1:39:05Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, but no matter how the goat testicles got in the farmer's scrotum, word spread that Dr. Brinkley had cured this farmer's impotence, because, as I said, men seem to love talking about their impotence after it had been cured.

• 1:39:18Speaker 05

  I could just see the sun coming up. The farmer's like up there, he's ready to sell his feed, and he leaves his house triumphant but nude. Hard as the dickheads. He's like, you see? Do you see what I got going on here? And they're all like.

• 1:39:35Speaker 03

  Man. Wow. Wow. I wonder how long it took to heal.

• 1:39:40Marcus Parks?

  I mean, it's just cutting it open and throwing it in.

• 1:39:42Speaker 05

  I just don't think that could. How is that possible? How is it possible? Just cut open your ball sack and just put on the thing for them?

• 1:39:48Speaker 03

  When I got my hernia surgery, my fucking whole balls just exploded to hu- they were huge.

• 1:39:52Marcus Parks?

  Well, they were actually doing like medical procedures.

• 1:39:56Speaker 03

  I know, that's what I'm saying. I wonder how long it fucking took for this guy to heal and then have sex again.

• 1:40:01Speaker 05

  Did he literally just cut a hole in the balls and like the testicle skin and then just stick balls in there?

• 1:40:07Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 1:40:08Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 1:40:08Marcus Parks?

  Every once in a while, he would like.

• 1:40:11Speaker 05

  Remove the previous balls?

• 1:40:12Marcus Parks?

  No, no. Every once in a while, he would kind of like try to tie one vessel to another vessel, but he didn't know why he was doing it. He didn't know, it didn't do anything. Uh, we'll get into it a little further, like later on, because this is just, this is when he's just doing it for the first time. The first time he does it, he really does just, he cuts a guy's ball sack open, he puts a tiny little baby goat testicle in there, sews him back up, and the guy shows up two weeks later and says, I can get hard again.

• 1:40:41Speaker 05

  Now, let's go, I'm just gonna say, like a little Matrushka doll.

• 1:40:47Speaker 05

  Go to sleep, my own prince.

• 1:40:48Speaker 03

  Could've just used M and Ms.

• 1:40:51Marcus Parks?

  What's telling you, though, is that in Milford, Kansas, which is a town of only 200 people, multiple men soon approached Brinkley about doing this same procedure, which tells you how prevalent impotence was and is.

• 1:41:05Speaker 03

  I mean, lord knows with what they were, like the different elixirs they were drinking and the fucking liquors. Lord knows what whiskey was back then.

• 1:41:13Speaker 05

  Oh, my god. Remember, we had some. I had some prohibition era whiskey, like old timey whiskey. It's fucking disgusting.

• 1:41:20Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, well, that was prohibition era whiskey. That was different, yeah.

• 1:41:23Speaker 05

  It just tastes like medicine.

• 1:41:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, gets you fucked up, though.

• 1:41:26Marcus Parks?

  Sure. So after the farmer, one of Brinkley's next patients was a man named William Stitzworth, but Stitzworth included his wife in the deal. See, while Brinkley is best known for goat testicles, he also routinely implanted goat ovaries into women. That's why he's called the goat gland man and not the goat testicle man.

• 1:41:45Speaker 05

  Oh, wow.

• 1:41:45Marcus Parks?

  The Stitzworths, therefore, both got the goat gland treatment. And when I say implanted, I really do mean that Brinkley just cut these people open, nestled the glands in the approximate area where he thought they might help.

• 1:42:03Speaker 05

  Let me see here. Yeah.

• 1:42:06Marcus Parks?

  And then he sewed these people back up.

• 1:42:08Speaker 05

  Jesus Christ.

• 1:42:09Marcus Parks?

  But the placebo effect was apparently working over time in Milford, because soon after Stitzworth and his wife got goat parts sewn into their bodies, the wife got pregnant, and in honor of the procedure, they actually named their baby son Billy.

• 1:42:23Speaker 05

  That's cute.

• 1:42:24Marcus Parks?

  It is cute.

• 1:42:25Speaker 05

  It's cute.

• 1:42:27Speaker 03

  I just don't understand that it didn't completely mutilate her.

• 1:42:30Speaker 05

  Oh, well, it just also shows, well, our bodies are like, again, you know, we, we're experts here, but on Side Stories LPOTL, Side Stories LPOTL at gmail dot com, please tell me how I'm wrong, but I do believe the human body is fill, there are like spaces. So a part of what goes on, like I, one of my really good friends had a hysterectomy, and like said, one of the weirdest parts about the, the after was feeling your organs slowly reposition themselves, because they put themselves back into place. Like, you basically just sew it back up and the organs just go back to work. So I think it just flop it on there, and then, I don't know how they don't get blood poisoning.

• 1:43:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:43:10Speaker 05

  That I don't understand. I have no idea how.

• 1:43:12Marcus Parks?

  People did. It was not always.

• 1:43:15Speaker 05

  That's right. There's a whole, two episodes about it.

• 1:43:17Marcus Parks?

  Forty-two people.

• 1:43:18Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:43:21Speaker 05

  It's not working.

• 1:43:22Marcus Parks?

  That's the thing, is that not all those forty-two died from the goat gland surgery, but it did become deadly. In the early days, though, fucking struck gold. Like, he'd absolutely struck gold with these goat glands. So he put the Stitzworth family on his payroll to advertise the success of the goat gland operation. And remember, nobody knows why anything really, well, some people know, but, you know, like, they're like, okay, we don't know why this works, but, I mean, even still today, there are certain medical treatments that are like, we don't know why this works, it just does.

• 1:43:54Speaker 05

  It just does.

• 1:43:55Marcus Parks?

  And back then, it's the same shit. Like, they're like, ah, and so as far as Brinkley's concerned, like, okay, so this guy got hard and these two people got pregnant, this works.

• 1:44:08Speaker 05

  It has to work.

• 1:44:09Speaker 03

  Do you think he might have believed it for a second?

• 1:44:11Marcus Parks?

  He believed it a hundred percent.

• 1:44:12Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, of course.

• 1:44:13Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, because as far, because as far as he's concerned, he doesn't know why it works, he's just knowing like, all right, this is working.

• 1:44:19Speaker 05

  All he knows is that medicine's easy. Medicine's super fucking easy.

• 1:44:24Speaker 03

  You just kind of guess and it always works out.

• 1:44:26Speaker 05

  Just crushes it, man.

• 1:44:26Marcus Parks?

  Well, Billy Stitzworth was dubbed the goat gland baby. Hi. And then pictures of Brinkley holding Billy were published in newspaper advertisements across the country. Some of these ads were aimed at women, claiming that implanting goat ovaries could enhance fertility, reduce wrinkles, and increase bust size. Those he did know were all lies.

• 1:44:45Speaker 05

  Yeah, because goats always have big tits.

• 1:44:46Marcus Parks?

  Yeah. Brinkley even expanded the uses of his surgery to claim that goat gland implants could cure certain types of mental illness.

• 1:44:54Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:44:54Marcus Parks?

  In one case, Brinkley claimed that he'd implanted a goat testicle into the scrotum of a mental patient who'd been committed to an asylum for excessive and compulsive masturbation. The man supposedly recovered from his masturbation addiction fully after his surgery and supposedly went on to become a prominent, yet unnamed, bank executive in Kansas City.

• 1:45:15Speaker 03

  He couldn't use his penis at all.

• 1:45:18Speaker 05

  Well, I got done with him.

• 1:45:21Speaker 03

  He's just like, well, I guess I'm done masturbating. Time to focus on business. Yes, I will learn how to run a bank.

• 1:45:30Speaker 05

  See, that's also one of those things, you don't understand, once the penis goes away, there's so much room for other stuff.

• 1:45:35Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, there is. There really is. Now, while treatments for women and mental patients were all well and good, it soon became clear that most of the people interested in the goat gland procedure were men looking to cure their impotence. There were, however, side effects, although this part may or may not be true. It was said that in the first few goat gland implants, a smell would begin to emanate from the patient, depending on what type of goat gland Brinkley put in their body.

• 1:45:59Speaker 03

  Oh, like rotting flesh?

• 1:46:00Speaker 05

  Yeah. Like it was dying inside of them? It wasn't connected to anything? It was just meat that he put in there? Yeah.

• 1:46:08Marcus Parks?

  I think he must have described it as decay.

• 1:46:12Marcus Parks?

  I believe, do I smell to you?

• 1:46:14Speaker 05

  That's the.

• 1:46:15Marcus Parks?

  I have come to believe that my flesh is rotting.

• 1:46:18Speaker 05

  My flesh is rotting. Um, that smell you're smelling, that's my dick working.

• 1:46:24Marcus Parks?

  Yeah. Well, Brinkley said that if he used a gland from the particularly odorless Angora goat, the patient would give off a goat-like musk, which certainly didn't help with the patient's sex life. But while it was said that the odor eventually wore off, Brinkley ensured that from then on, he would only obtain testicles from odorless Toggenberg goats.

• 1:46:43Speaker 05

  Odorless goats.

• 1:46:44Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, so he began building relationships with several Toggenberg goat farmers so he could have a constant supply of baby goat testicles.

• 1:46:51Speaker 03

  They scrub these goats so hard, man, they, the goats barely stink.

• 1:46:55Speaker 05

  They barely stink.

• 1:46:56Speaker 03

  Barely.

• 1:46:57Speaker 05

  I, the idea of odorless goats is as funny. Like, even just that concept is a funny idea.

• 1:47:04Marcus Parks?

  Let's say relatively odorless.

• 1:47:06Speaker 05

  Well, but in his mind, being like, yes, excellent. Yes.

• 1:47:09Speaker 03

  An odorless goat.

• 1:47:10Speaker 05

  Odorless goat.

• 1:47:11Marcus Parks?

  While Brinkley was obviously a con man who had no idea why his procedure was working, the sad part is that there seemed to be an actual doctor within John Brinkley. During one shining moment in his life, Brinkley became Midwest famous during the 1918 Spanish Flu pandemic for his uncanny ability to get patients through the disease. Basically, he used his father's mountain man techniques, like all these old folk remedies. While the Spanish Flu killed at least 17 million people worldwide, Brinkley treated some 1,100 cases in Kansas, and it was said that he only lost one patient. I mean, there probably were a

• 1:47:51Marcus Parks?

  few more than that, but even if it was like five or 10 out of 1,100, that is an astonishingly low number.

• 1:48:00Speaker 03

  The key is to put some goat balls inside of them, and then they die of the goat ball injection. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Usually, right before they're about to die, I just shoot them in the ass.

• 1:48:10Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's a good job, Wu.

• 1:48:13Speaker 05

  I took another one from the flu.

• 1:48:16Marcus Parks?

  Well, Brinkley also had an act for appendectomies and tonsillectomies, even though, you know, an appendectomy is the, you know, the simplest procedure that a surgeon can perform, he was still very good at them. And he was charming enough to get rural folk to trust surgery as a legitimate treatment, which was no small task in the 1910s.

• 1:48:35Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:48:35Marcus Parks?

  Brinkley even performed these surgeries for free most of the time, depending on how poor his patients were. Now, this was probably all for publicity, but the fact remains that Dr. Brinkley did have the ability to save lives. He could have been a good man, and he chose to be a piece of shit. Now, Brinkley soon became a bit of a media darling, both for his generosity amongst the rural poor and for his seemingly miraculous ability to make men hard again by implanting goat glands in their scrotum. His fame soon reached the East Coast, and an advertising executive traveled out to Kansas to tell Brinkley that goat glands were a million dollar idea, akin to discovering the fountain of youth. Now, Brinkley had tried to submit a paper to the American Medical Association about

• 1:49:19Marcus Parks?

  his goat gland operation, but was rightfully rejected for publication. So he said, fuck them. He hired the East Coast advertiser to collect patient testimonials and publish them in newspapers across America and Europe. He used slogans such as these.

• 1:49:35Speaker 03

  A man is as old as his glands.

• 1:49:38Marcus Parks?

  Get new glands.

• 1:49:39Speaker 03

  Be a new man. New glands, new man.

• 1:49:43Marcus Parks?

  Before long, people were traveling to the tiny town of Milford, Kansas, from all over the world to get goat glands implanted in their scrotums and uteruses, but they were doing it for far more than just impotence and infertility. Brinkley claimed that implanting goat glands could cure 27 different ailments with a 95% success rate, although, according to Brinkley, the procedure, quote.

• 1:50:04Speaker 03

  Worked less well on stupid types.

• 1:50:10Marcus Parks?

  See, a man must have evidence.

• 1:50:11Speaker 03

  He must have been dumb.

• 1:50:13Marcus Parks?

  He has to have intelligence.

• 1:50:14Speaker 03

  I was like, when he dies, that, every time he's dying, that's amazing. Must have been stupid.

• 1:50:20Speaker 03

  He was too stupid to be cured.

• 1:50:22Marcus Parks?

  But if you had the brains for it, Brinkley claimed that goat glands could cure everything from emphysema to excessive flatulence.

• 1:50:31Speaker 03

  I put two goat balls up in your butt. And keep the farts from coming out. I'm not an idiot. It worked.

• 1:50:46Marcus Parks?

  Now, as Brinkley performed more operations, he developed different methods, although there was no rhyme or reason behind these methods. Sometimes he'd cut slivers of the goat gland, like one would slice a clove of garlic, and just toss the pieces inside the patient's scrotum or uterus.

• 1:51:03Speaker 03

  Anybody ever tell you got a tight sack, son? This is a tight sack, ain't much give. How did a man have some give in there, some let? There's nothing let in this sack. See, you could half hard, you could use half a goat ball. You're right. You're right.

• 1:51:18Marcus Parks?

  Well, every once in a while, he'd actually carve out a hole to place a piece of the goat testicle into the human testicle, like, as author Alton Lee so eloquently put it, embedding a marble into an apple.

• 1:51:32Speaker 03

  That's just bad. That's bad science, man.

• 1:51:35Marcus Parks?

  That's really bad science.

• 1:51:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, he's just bored.

• 1:51:37Marcus Parks?

  Yeah. Other times, though, Brinkley would just toss a full goat gland into the scrotum and call it a day.

• 1:51:43Speaker 03

  God, I love a roomy one.

• 1:51:45Marcus Parks?

  From what it seems like, the intricacies of Brinkley's procedures may have depended on how drunk he was when he was performing the operation.

• 1:51:53Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:51:53Marcus Parks?

  Because Brinkley had developed quite the drinking problem over the years, and it was only getting worse, and he was well-known for performing these operations quite hammered.

• 1:52:02Speaker 03

  It's easy. You need some more peas in your pot, come on down to Brinkley's. Hey, listen, listen, you gotta understand, a couple of drinks makes me a better surgeon. That's how it is. This, here's my slice.

• 1:52:19Speaker 03

  Fizz, you want a last surgeon? You don't want a surgeon who's all like, fucking... Tell me about it. Tell me about it. You're the drunkest doctor I've ever seen, and I'm the drunkest patient I've ever been.

• 1:52:32Marcus Parks?

  Now, with all the... Oh, and also, Brinkley, uh, his assistants didn't really give a shit whether he was drunk or not, because he made sure to only hire people who had no experience.

• 1:52:40Speaker 03

  Of course, and he paid him out the ass.

• 1:52:41Marcus Parks?

  Yeah. Now, with all the attention and money Brinkley was getting off goat glands, he and Minnie used their newfound fame and success to basically make Milford, Kansas into a goat gland company town, because despite its many flaws, America truly is a strange and wonderful place.

• 1:52:58Speaker 03

  Welcome to Milford, Kansas. Goat glands as far as I can see. A town built on impotence.

• 1:53:08Speaker 03

  The goat gland capital of the Midwest. Now, we can't actually say the nation, because there is a town in Oregon that really does goat glands better than we do. They do, yeah. They put the organ in Oregon. You know what I'm saying? They do, oh, they love their glands over there.

• 1:53:23Marcus Parks?

  Now, when John and Minnie Brinkley moved to Milford, this town of 200 had no high schools, no traffic lights, no paved roads, no running water, and no electricity. And it's not like this is 1850. John and Minnie moved there in 1917, but within just a year, Brink... John Brinkley and Minnie Brinkley had expanded their hospital with money Minnie had inherited from rich deceased relatives. They made it a teaching hospital, of all things.

• 1:53:49Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 1:53:50Marcus Parks?

  And renamed it the Brinkley Institute of Health. The backlot of the hospital held what else but goat pens, both for show and for sourcing testicles and ovaries. John and Minnie...

• 1:54:03Speaker 03

  These poor fucking goats, dude. They're just sitting there, just like, I wonder what's gonna happen on this farm.

• 1:54:09Marcus Parks?

  Oh, remember, it's all baby goats, all baby goat testicles.

• 1:54:12Speaker 03

  Now, you're next.

• 1:54:15Speaker 05

  Can they take out the goats' balls and then let them live, or do they have to kill them?

• 1:54:18Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, of course you can, yeah.

• 1:54:19Speaker 05

  That's great.

• 1:54:20Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, you can... It's called, it's called neutering.

• 1:54:23Speaker 05

  Well, yeah.

• 1:54:23Marcus Parks?

  We do it to cats and dogs that you...

• 1:54:25Speaker 05

  But I thought that, like, well, I guess he's not really trying to really do anything with them.

• 1:54:28Speaker 03

  I bet they served them in the restaurant.

• 1:54:30Marcus Parks?

  Probably, yeah.

• 1:54:31Speaker 05

  Yeah, I guess he'd have to be too careful with them.

• 1:54:33Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 1:54:33Speaker 03

  Goat meat's delicious.

• 1:54:34Speaker 05

  Yeah, I do like goat.

• 1:54:35Marcus Parks?

  I love goat. I love lamb. Lamb is my favorite meat.

• 1:54:37Speaker 03

  You gotta be careful with goat, though. It's got the tiny bones, it can get jagged, and it gets in your throat, and it can cut your throat, and then you're puking up blood out of an airplane, they gotta pull over, and you gotta die.

• 1:54:46Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, I know.

• 1:54:47Speaker 05

  I've heard that.

• 1:54:49Marcus Parks?

  Well, John and Minnie...

• 1:54:50Speaker 03

  It's got nothing to do with my balls, though.

• 1:54:53Marcus Parks?

  Well, John and Minnie reinvested in Milford at large. They brought electricity, running water, paved roads, and sewage services by 1918, making the Brinkleys the heroes and saviors of Milford, Kansas.

• 1:55:04Speaker 03

  Anytime you meet a man with a limp penis, you thank him.

• 1:55:07Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 1:55:08Speaker 03

  You go and you thank him for helping bail Milford. See, this building's built all on goat balls. Literally. The whole first floor.

• 1:55:18Marcus Parks?

  On Christmas, John and Minnie would toss ducks and turkeys, fine fat gooses, from second-story windows...

• 1:55:25Speaker 03

  That's amazing.

• 1:55:26Marcus Parks?

  ...to the towns' poor from the hospital. Briefly even had a town zoo.

• 1:55:30Speaker 03

  Whoa.

• 1:55:31Marcus Parks?

  Zoo, however, was closed after the bear escaped, and John was forced to shoot and kill it, lest the bear begin eating the residents of Milford.

• 1:55:40Speaker 03

  He's wearing a lot of hats. He's doing a lot of stuff. I don't know, he's the doctor of the town. He runs all that. He's the zoo owner.

• 1:55:47Marcus Parks?

  He's the mayor.

• 1:55:48Speaker 03

  He's the mayor, and so then he also has to go kill the bears? He is a terror to animals. I love, yeah. He is. He's just throwing ducks and turkeys out of a second-story window. I have a question. You ever thought about me replacing your wife's breasts with parrots?

• 1:56:04Speaker 03

  You ever thought about what it would be like if I cut your wife's breast off and I put parrots in there? Yeah, a couple tweeters.

• 1:56:11Marcus Parks?

  Oh, hooters.

• 1:56:11Speaker 03

  Yes, take me ready. It was right there. It really was. It was right there.

• 1:56:16Marcus Parks?

  By 1927, the people of Milford were so in love with the Brinkleys that they named their basketball team the Brinkley Goat.

• 1:56:23Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 1:56:24Marcus Parks?

  Featured a picture of a billy goat, and the words "Dr. Brinkley" printed on their uniform.

• 1:56:29Speaker 03

  I wish the mascot just had a giant dick. A big, big floppy dick, and it just gets hard every time they score.

• 1:56:37Speaker 03

  That's what I like to see.

• 1:56:39Marcus Parks?

  John and Minnie, meanwhile, continued their study of gland implementation, although they still weren't sure how any of this actually worked. So they went to Chicago to attend lectures and take courses from a doctor named Max Thorick, who was performing similar sexual rejuvenation surgeries using gorilla testicles.

• 1:56:58Speaker 03

  Jesus fucking Christ, dude. That's way worse.

• 1:57:03Speaker 03

  It's like, goats are everywhere. Yeah, I can't...

• 1:57:07Speaker 03

  I don't care, goats. The idea of, like, complex...

• 1:57:13Speaker 03

  Something that's going like, like, it's like signing, like, no cut balls. Don't cut balls, me need balls. You know, like, they have to go, just, I can't handle that. It seems so unnecessary. But he's just being like, you know, I don't wanna go in there with that monkey science. The last thing I wanna deal with is a banana. Hold on a second. I'm sick of tying a banana, and I will not, I will not cotton to this banana-based science.

• 1:57:42Marcus Parks?

  Brinkley, however, failed Dr. Thorick's course because he couldn't stay sober. He was a fucking drunk. And Dr. Thorick went on record to state that Brinkley was only concerned with making money.

• 1:57:54Speaker 03

  I love killing monkeys. That's why I'm in it. I made it to kill monkeys and to cut open balls.

• 1:58:01Marcus Parks?

  Brinkley's excessive drinking, however, was not just hampering his career. Turns out, with Milford, when you shake hands with the devil, you get burned. His drinking was causing a lot of problems back home in Milford. There were many, many instances of Brinkley getting violent while drinking, violent with the townspeople. There were several accounts of him getting drunk and chasing the people of Milford around with knives, axes, guns...

• 1:58:31Speaker 03

  Let me get your, let me get your balls. Honey, hide. Honey, hide. The mayo's out. Like, everyone's hiding like a pumpkin head, like, at night, I mean, like, shut the drawl, shut the... Don't answer the door.

• 1:58:44Marcus Parks?

  The mayo's been drinking. The mayo's been drinking.

• 1:58:47Speaker 03

  Let me see your balls. He's just got a belt. Let me see your balls. I'll cut open a ball anywhere, anytime. I'll do it on the basketball court right now. Let me guess, let me try to with the gun. I'm gonna try to surgery you with the gun. Come closer, I know you can't get hard. All right, stay still.

• 1:59:06Marcus Parks?

  This was the place where he fucking cut off his colleague's ear, or bit the ear off, we don't know.

• 1:59:11Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 1:59:11Marcus Parks?

  You know, this is, he would chase people out of the, like, you know, just all of a sudden, you're walking down the street in Milford, someone's running, screaming out of the fucking hospital, and John Brinkley, drunk, chasing after him with a big-ass knife.

• 1:59:24Speaker 03

  He owns the joint.

• 1:59:25Marcus Parks?

  Yes, he has.

• 1:59:27Speaker 03

  That's my doctor.

• 1:59:29Marcus Parks?

  There goes the best goddamn mayo this town ever had.

• 1:59:32Speaker 03

  You know what? We just gotta let him blow it off. Let him blow off the steam, right? You know, before him, we didn't have roads. Think about that. He'd put in every toilet. I was shitting in a hole in my backyard. That man, who is chasing that group of children around, literally, with a knife...

• 1:59:49Marcus Parks?

  Knife and a hammer. That man saved my life.

• 1:59:54Marcus Parks?

  Well, Brinkley's preferred gun was a revolver that he carried with him everywhere, which was mostly used to threaten people who didn't pay their medical bills.

• 2:00:02Speaker 05

  Sometimes I find when people miss a payment, I find that the prescription is three lead pills.

• 2:00:09Marcus Parks?

  Reportedly, Brinkley would use the vilest language while making these threats, although I have no idea what exactly that language was.

• 2:00:17Speaker 05

  Don't make me stick this up your pussy and turn your pussy into asshole.

• 2:00:24Marcus Parks?

  I'll fuck up your fucking pussy the way I fucked up every fucking gorilla and the fucking banana ass fuck. Fuck ass banana, fuck, fuck. All right, Dr. Brinkley.

• 2:00:34Speaker 03

  All right, just put a comma in there and we'll work on it.

• 2:00:36Speaker 05

  Just let's work on this.

• 2:00:38Marcus Parks?

  Well, Brinkley was turning into a full-on public nuisance in Milford, incident by incident. I'm the goat ball guy. And one night, things got so bad that the local sheriff got a call that Brinkley was on such a rampage with his pistol that the whole town was in hiding. Sheriff, you gotta come out. No one's coming outside. Dr. Brinkley's got a gun and he say he's gonna kill anybody he sees. If the sun's dick would work, I'd hollow out Venus and I'd put it inside the sun's ball.

• 2:01:07Speaker 03

  It's like when Mongo comes to town.

• 2:01:12Marcus Parks?

  In other words, Brinkley was coming close to wearing out his welcome in the town that had made him. But luckily for Dr. Brinkley, there was a city full of desperate fools obsessed with sex way out west who were more than ready to welcome him with open arms. Next up, Los Angeles. Ah, fix me.

• 2:01:32Speaker 05

  Yes, land of peptides.

• 2:01:36Marcus Parks?

  And that is where we'll pick back up for the conclusion to this incredibly stupid story next week.

• 2:01:41Speaker 05

  Popping in balls.

• 2:01:42Speaker 03

  Oh my God, this was great.

• 2:01:44Speaker 05

  You know what I love about this truly is that when I first was reading about it, you're just like, oh, you know, I figured it was like a procedure, like he kinda like stuck like, you know, like I thought like maybe he like, like got some fluid out of the balls, you know what I mean? Like when it's, and it's just amazing to know that nah, he's just cupping up, cutting open ball sacks and tossing other animals' balls in there.

• 2:02:05Marcus Parks?

  And doing it drunk.

• 2:02:06Speaker 05

  Just not even, just doing it drunk. That's amazing.

• 2:02:10Speaker 03

  It is. I, this is another one of those guys that I kinda like.

• 2:02:14Marcus Parks?

  Yeah. Well, I mean, he is a Nazi.

• 2:02:16Speaker 05

  Yeah, well, yeah, you're not gonna like him, man.

• 2:02:18Speaker 03

  It's always the hedge.

• 2:02:20Speaker 05

  See, no, but that's good though. I'm glad he became a Nazi. It's good he became a Nazi because all this has gotta go somewhere. If this all led to him inventing bubble gum or like him being like, you know, like if it went to that world, if he was the first guy to put the Twix out, that'd be something else.

• 2:02:36Marcus Parks?

  And that's the creator of RC Cola.

• 2:02:39Speaker 05

  Then we'd have to deal with that.

• 2:02:41Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 2:02:41Speaker 05

  Like we'd have to, we'd, as a country, we'd still have to ask these questions.

• 2:02:46Marcus Parks?

  There is, there's no legacy to grapple with here. No, it is, this is just a, this is just a very stupid chapter of American history that proves that again and again, like Americans is just, we just need a lot more patience.

• 2:03:01Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 2:03:01Marcus Parks?

  We all, we've always needed a lot more patience.

• 2:03:03Speaker 05

  We do.

• 2:03:03Speaker 03

  Except for Dr. Brinkley, he needed less patience.

• 2:03:06Marcus Parks?

  Much less.

• 2:03:06Speaker 05

  They like me though.

• 2:03:09Speaker 05

  I'm, they're forcing me to be a doctor.

• 2:03:11Marcus Parks?

  Patreon.com. That's Last Podcast on the Left is where you can go if you want ad-free episodes. You can also check out our stream every Tuesday. Thank you for allowing us to take this Tuesday off. I got the worst, most incredible con crud of my life.

• 2:03:29Speaker 05

  Yeah, you got really floored.

• 2:03:31Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, I got got real bad at Comic Con. And if there's anybody who's running New York Comic Con, listening right now, fucking sell less tickets next year. It is a fucking nightmare.

• 2:03:43Speaker 05

  It was slam.

• 2:03:45Marcus Parks?

  It was, it was so much worse. I've been going to Comic Con for 20 fucking years and that was by far, by far, the worst that it's ever been.

• 2:03:52Speaker 03

  It was very anxiety inducing.

• 2:03:54Speaker 05

  It was really intense in there. When I came in, I really hung over and they were pumping that super horrific artificial popcorn smell in there. I thought I was gonna fucking vomit all over myself.

• 2:04:03Marcus Parks?

  Yeah, sell less, sell less fucking passes.

• 2:04:06Speaker 05

  But we do, honestly, otherwise the panel was great. The signing was great. Meeting everybody was awesome.

• 2:04:11Marcus Parks?

  I want to say thank you to everybody who came out to our panel. It was so much fun. Thanks to everyone who came out to our table for the signing. It was so great to meet all of you guys. There was so many wonderful fans that came out to New York Comic Con. My, my grappin' with y'all, it's with the fucking con. Jesus Christ.

• 2:04:28Speaker 03

  Oh, and Brooklyn, Warsaw was so much fun.

• 2:04:32Marcus Parks?

  Oh, it was great.

• 2:04:33Speaker 03

  Marcus had his first Side Stories show. He broke his Side Stories cherry.

• 2:04:36Marcus Parks?

  I did, I did.

• 2:04:37Speaker 03

  Came out and said hi. We had a wonderful Baron Trump by. It was a blast. Henry and I got a lot more shows coming up. We're gonna be in Redway at the Mateo Community Center. It's actually, the whole thing's gonna be a benefit for the community.

• 2:04:48Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 2:04:49Speaker 03

  Uh, we're putting the money back into Redway. Y'all deserve it. You've been so good to us all these years. We're coming back. This one's for y'all. The following night, I'm gonna be with Billy Wayne Davis co-headlining, actually following afternoon, 3pm at Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco. That's this Sunday. It's gonna be a blast. And then you can catch Ed Larson and Friends, December 3rd at the Ice House, hosted by Henry Zebrowski.

• 2:05:11Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 2:05:12Speaker 03

  It's gonna be a fucking blast. And then St. Louis on December 13th. Zany's Comedy Club on January 24th with the Reformed Whores. And then with Danny Bedrosian, January 29th and the 30th in Rochester, New York. And then the Albany Funny Bone on January 31st. More dates are coming. And then plus Side Stories is fucking cooking. We got Burlington, Iowa City, Columbia, Missouri, and a whole bunch more gonna get booked soon. I can't wait.

• 2:05:37Speaker 05

  Yeah, fuckers. We'll see you over on YouTube. Go check it out. We got Bloodbath77 is all the way wrapped up. We got a new season just about to start filming and we will talk about that. Tears of a Clown, back.

• 2:05:47Marcus Parks?

  Yeah.

• 2:05:48Speaker 05

  Yeah. So it's really, I'm new. You guys would like that LPN TV over at YouTube. Go and check it out. And go check out all the other new stuff over there. No Dog, Space doing video episodes someplace underneath. Page Seven, The Brighter Side, LPN Romancy, The Foreign Report. Go check out all the hard work we're doing over here at the fucking Laugh Factory. And hail Sweet Satan.

• 2:06:10Marcus Parks?

  Well, now again.

• 2:06:11Speaker 03

  In honor of our Flintland man, I'd like to hail Fraudsters.

• 2:06:15Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 2:06:16Speaker 03

  The wonderful show here on The Last Podcast Network, hosted by Sina Khaznavi, Justin Williams and Arioli AT. Go check it out. It's a fucking phenomenal show.

• 2:06:25Speaker 05

  It's always great. It's always good. Goodbye.

• 2:06:29Marcus Parks?

  Bye.

• 2:06:30Speaker 05

  Enjoy your balls.

• 2:06:33Speaker 02

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• 2:06:45Speaker 06

  Your gutters have waited long enough. Find a pro at Angie.com.

• 2:06:50Speaker 06

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