Pod Insights Joe and James Fact Up Help I Fact Up! | With Jordan North and William Hanson About this episode It's time for Joe and James' first collab! William and Jordan from 'Help I Sexted My Boss' grace the boys with their podcasting wisdom... but will it help?
In this crossover episode we start inJoe and James' world (and studio) for a taste of their unique brand of tangent-heavy chat and fact-finding. Then it's over to the wonderfully tame world of Help I Sexted My Boss, where it doesn't take long at all for James Buckley to spot a clone-a-willy and all hell breaks loose. And of course, it wouldn't be a Sexted episode without a few classic dilemmas for all four of the boys to try and solve.
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Transcript 12,314 words · 8 speakers
0:00 Speaker 00 Hi everyone, it's Katie Couric. And on my podcast, Next Question, we love stories about how women are taking control of their lives. They are increasingly leading financial decisions in their households. Yet, many say they don't feel fully prepared for the long-term financial choices ahead. Real confidence comes from knowing your financial future is protected, whatever happens. Pacific Life has helped generations protect what matters today and prepare for tomorrow with life insurance and lifetime income solutions. It's a promise Pacific Life has kept for nearly 160 years, so its customers can keep
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0:59 Speaker 01 I'm Claire Buckley. And this Halloween, on my podcast, Pretty Scary, we are going to cover the stories that keep you up at night. Real crimes, ghosts, and aliens. Plus, the scariest movies to watch this spooky season, with the lights off. So, as the nights draw in, the pumpkins are carved, and somewhere in the dark, something is scratching at the window. It's probably just the cat, right? Get the candles lit, in search for Pretty Scary with Claire Buckley.
1:44 Speaker 02 Hello, and welcome to this very special episode, where Help I Sex My Boss joins Joe Thomas and James Buckley from the Joe and James Fact Up Podcast. I'm not going to lie, this is something I've been trying to get to happen for ages now.
1:57 Speaker 03 Yes, for all the Fact Up listeners out there, hello, we are William Hanson and Jordan North from Help I Sexed My Boss.
2:02 Speaker 04 Hello.
2:05 Speaker 02 I'm deaf in one ear, so William always goes on my good ear.
2:08 Speaker 04 Yeah.
2:09 Speaker 02 Yeah. Sorry.
2:11 Speaker 04 What, um...
2:11 Speaker 02 No, you don't support...
2:12 Speaker 04 Is there...
2:13 Speaker 02 For my deafness.
2:14 Speaker 04 Is there a tragic story behind that?
2:16 Speaker 02 In fact, you should ask that when we get going.
2:18 Speaker 04 We're going.
2:18 Speaker 02 Oh, we're going? Well, no, we are. The trouble is, we have to just take everything...
2:24 Speaker 05 Because we're very inefficient and like we might say something good in the beginning without.
2:28 Speaker 03 I doubt it.
2:29 Speaker 04 We do about three hour.
2:30 Speaker 05 We do about three hours and then they whistle it down to.
2:32 Speaker 03 We have the same trainers. I'm not in trainers today, I'm in a nice suede loafer.
2:37 Speaker 05 Well, see, these are, these are very nice. I know these shoes are gradually getting worse and uh they do have on them amongst other things, um my three year old daughter's wee. So she, um, the trouble is, is like, she literally favors what she calls a bush wee because of Bluey, right? So she will not go to the toilet when, when the toilet is very, because she prefers going wild. And then the system is like basically just hold her aloft and then it kind of comes out and it goes all over the fucking place. And I just, uh, after the most recent one, I was like, that's just all in my fucking shoe.
3:10 Speaker 04 You know, you're allowed to tell your children not to piss outside.
3:12 Speaker 05 I'm can't, I am not able to do that. She, I don't have any, I have no control over her.
3:18 Speaker 02 Did you have a wee outside? Did you have a wee on your dad's wheel? You know, uh.
3:21 Speaker 03 No.
3:21 Speaker 02 On the car.
3:23 Speaker 03 No, funnily enough, I didn't.
3:25 Speaker 02 I seen a child on the tube having a wee on one of those potties yesterday, funnily enough.
3:29 Speaker 05 Yeah, yeah. She started getting the potty out as well. I don't know why, but it's just.
3:34 Speaker 04 Well, on your tube line, I suspect that all goes on.
3:36 Speaker 03 Well, it doesn't happen on the Elizabeth line.
3:38 Speaker 05 Well, no, yeah, I suppose the Elizabeth, yeah.
3:40 Speaker 02 There's more crackheads on there than.
3:42 Speaker 03 Not on my trains.
3:43 Speaker 05 Is the, um, the Elizabeth line does it like less stuff would go down on it.
3:49 Speaker 03 It's a very executive. For a better class of commuter.
3:52 Speaker 05 What do you think's like the roughest line? What's the worst one?
3:55 Speaker 03 What's the one you live on?
3:57 Speaker 05 Where everyone changes. So there's live updates on the map.
4:02 Speaker 02 Changed actually, they've got new trains.
4:04 Speaker 05 I used to be on Bakerloo.
4:05 Speaker 04 Yeah.
4:06 Speaker 05 It's the, it's a really old, it's the oldest one.
4:08 Speaker 04 When you was at Elephant Castle, why?
4:09 Speaker 05 Yeah, we were at Elephant Castle, well.
4:11 Speaker 03 Did you live in Elephant and Castle?
4:12 Speaker 05 Yeah, well, it's the origin said Kennington and then we were like, it's Elephant Castle, mate.
4:16 Speaker 03 It's very gay, Elephant and Castle.
4:18 Speaker 05 Is it?
4:18 Speaker 03 Yes. It is now.
4:20 Speaker 05 Shocked.
4:20 Speaker 03 Now you've left.
4:22 Speaker 05 I know, I knew it was.
4:24 Speaker 02 Have we started?
4:25 Speaker 05 I knew it was, and that's why.
4:26 Speaker 02 Oh, we are. Oh, we've started. Well, thanks for having, I'm gonna say thanks, Evan, and I feel like I've really pushed this. Cause I, I'm trying not to fangirl right now, so I feel like. Me, I don't know if you've wanted to do this, but I've been pushing.
4:37 Speaker 04 They've been made to do this.
4:38 Speaker 05 No, but also if you wanna get out of, if you want the fangirl thing to wear off for you, just spend some time with us and it will immediately wear off. You don't need to.
4:48 Speaker 02 Did you ever watch The Inbetweeners or White Gold or even?
4:52 Speaker 04 I don't really watch television.
4:56 Speaker 04 But I hear wonderful things.
4:57 Speaker 05 Thank you very much.
4:58 Speaker 04 I know lots of people love it and that's wonderful. And you are both cult figures.
5:03 Speaker 05 Yes, well, no. Cult. No, I don't wear two big cults.
5:12 Speaker 02 Did you ever watch Fresh Meat as well? Really?
5:14 Speaker 05 No, I don't watch. And I'll tell you what, I don't really, I don't watch comedy now, cause I can't. Makes me too anxious. It's like. If it's, well, yeah, I mean, basically it's like, if it's good, I'm jealous. And I'm like, why? My career's over. Why?
5:32 Speaker 05 And if it's bad, I'm like, fucking hell, is this what it's like when people are watching me and my this shit? So it's just, either way, it's just like.
5:37 Speaker 04 People love The Inbetweeners.
5:39 Speaker 05 Well, I don't take any credit for The Inbetweeners because, I mean, he's very good in it. But I think. He is good in it. I just think, didn't write it, didn't really know what I was doing.
5:49 Speaker 04 I've never watched anything that you or the other boys have ever done.
5:54 Speaker 04 And apparently Friday Night Dinner is meant to be amazing and Robert Pop is involved.
5:57 Speaker 05 It's fantastic. Again, I didn't watch it and then I wanted to do a retrospective for it. They asked me to do one of those talking heads for it. And I, so I watched the whole, I'd watched a few episodes of the first series and I was like, I've got to fucking watch all of it. So I watched all of it over the course of about three days.
6:13 Speaker 04 Brilliant.
6:13 Speaker 05 And I did the talking head and I was just like catatonic with tiredness and I was just, I knew like a weird amount about it. I was like, I think it's in a series four, episode three. Where it was an idea and also they just didn't use it.
6:24 Speaker 04 The novelty of television hasn't worn off on me. Like, I can't watch it. If I was to watch like Fresh Meat. Or Friday Night Dinner or something, I'd just be going, oh, no, that guy.
6:33 Speaker 05 Yeah.
6:35 Speaker 04 Someone I know is on the television.
6:37 Speaker 05 I mean, when I was a child, television was like a magic thing, like magic, uh, almost I was kind of like. And I really, really thought it was true. Like if I watched The Bill, I'd be like, this is what the police is like. They won't be able to put it in if it wasn't what the police was like.
6:51 Speaker 04 What shows did you go out watching other than The Bill?
6:53 Speaker 05 Um, I, well, first of all, everything. Cause I grew up with the four channels. So it was just like every single thing. I came home, I put the television on. I kept it on. If I didn't have any work to do until like one thirty in the morning and then I went to bed and I watched everything and like I remember.
7:08 Speaker 04 If you didn't have any work to do.
7:09 Speaker 05 I didn't, well, no.
7:10 Speaker 04 You were a kid.
7:11 Speaker 05 Well, I had essays. I mean, for school, what I mean is like I come home from school, I'd watch television until.
7:17 Speaker 05 I don't know, eight thirty, nine, I'd be like, oh, I've got to do some fucking work. And then I'd. And then I'd stay up really, really late doing my, doing my work.
7:22 Speaker 04 How old were you? How old were you going, oh, I'd better do some fucking work?
7:26 Speaker 05 I suppose, I'll tell you what it was, basically, I would say that. Uh.
7:31 Speaker 04 Four.
7:31 Speaker 05 Fourteen, fourteen.
7:33 Speaker 04 Right.
7:34 Speaker 05 But I would, I remember.
7:35 Speaker 04 Yeah.
7:36 Speaker 05 I, I remember there being literally nothing on. I remember, but as in, as in. The, the quality of there being nothing on, like when you'd have. Just the four channels and like they would honestly, um, there were some really. Really like black periods on a Sunday where there was horse racing on two channels.
7:55 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah.
7:56 Speaker 05 And I think, oh, I mean, for fucks, I honestly, I'm like, just couldn't even.
8:00 Speaker 04 Just go.
8:01 Speaker 05 I couldn't even look at the screen. I couldn't even.
8:03 Speaker 04 I was never at home when I was a kid. I was just outside.
8:05 Speaker 02 I was the same. I was always out. I didn't tell you, I was always played football, Kirby, Manas.
8:10 Speaker 05 That sounds much more healthy.
8:11 Speaker 04 Just waiting till it got too dark to see the ball and then you'd have to go home.
8:12 Speaker 05 I was in all the time, always in.
8:14 Speaker 02 Yeah.
8:15 Speaker 04 But where did you grow up?
8:17 Speaker 05 In Essex, in um, a village called Rittle.
8:19 Speaker 04 And where did you grow up? I grew up in Essex as well.
8:22 Speaker 05 Okay.
8:23 Speaker 04 In Da- in Dagenham. They call it East London now.
8:26 Speaker 02 Yeah, I've always thought, cause that's funny, cause my headphones have been nicked and they're currently in Dagenham.
8:30 Speaker 04 Right.
8:30 Speaker 05 Have they?
8:31 Speaker 04 You're not getting those back.
8:31 Speaker 05 How did they get nicked?
8:32 Speaker 02 They're nicked backstage.
8:33 Speaker 04 We can try and get them back for you.
8:35 Speaker 02 I want, they're in Dagenham, if you know anyone. I can track them right now.
8:37 Speaker 04 I bet.
8:38 Speaker 02 Cheeky bastard.
8:39 Speaker 04 James is a bit of a face in that.
8:40 Speaker 02 No, it is. Do you know anyone flogging any, any AirPods?
8:44 Speaker 04 There's a lot of wax buildup in both of them.
8:47 Speaker 02 Oh, he cleaned my AirPods once. I left them at his and he got a lot of wax.
8:51 Speaker 04 I had to buy a little gadget off Amazon to clean mine, clear the AirPods and the.
8:58 Speaker 04 Receptacle thing that they come in.
9:00 Speaker 03 And did it do the job?
9:01 Speaker 04 They were really grim. Cause I don't clean my ears that much.
9:04 Speaker 03 Have you not had your ears syringed?
9:06 Speaker 04 No, I've got a bit of a phobia about it.
9:08 Speaker 03 Why?
9:09 Speaker 04 When I was a kid, you know, when you're a kid and your mum like shoves a cotton bud in your ear and it's awful. It's really sort of traumatic.
9:15 Speaker 05 You're not many, you're not many use that to clean your ears.
9:18 Speaker 04 I was told, don't put anything bigger than your elbow in your ear.
9:20 Speaker 05 I was told that and it doesn't make any sense, does it?
9:23 Speaker 03 How can you fit your elbow in your ear?
9:24 Speaker 05 Exactly, exactly. The doctor used to say to my mum, you shouldn't bring anything in your ear bigger than your elbow. And my mum thought it was this amazing witticism. It's sort of like wild Ian. It's like, oh, I'll tell you what Doctor Vincent says. It does make me laugh. Don't bring anything bigger. I was like, it doesn't make, it's not funny. It doesn't make sense.
9:40 Speaker 03 Well, talking of ears, before we got going, we were talking about Jordan being deaf in one ear. Ask, now asking the story.
9:44 Speaker 04 Yeah, go on, what's, what's happened?
9:45 Speaker 03 Especially if you've got a phobia.
9:47 Speaker 02 William just finds it hilarious, but basically I, I, I, I've been deaf in one ear since I was 14. I was putting my bike in the shed. My mum said, don't leave your bike out, it'll get nicked. So I went and put my bike in the shed. My ear burst, popped. I've been deaf ever since.
10:03 Speaker 04 Putting your bike in the shed?
10:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, I've just been deaf ever since.
10:06 Speaker 04 Are you trying to put something bigger than your elbow in there?
10:10 Speaker 02 I was just putting it on my earburst and I went, my ears burst and mum went to be right. And then two weeks later, I was like, still can't hear out that ear.
10:16 Speaker 04 What? Hang on, cause this is terrifying. Did you do some, was you, did you do something physically? Just walk it, just doing your bike. Oh God.
10:25 Speaker 02 And it's like bursting eardrum and it's damaged it. Someone did say, but then someone said that's, I've said this a few times, but a medical professional was, apparently it's close to like anamorism or something, you know, when people.
10:34 Speaker 03 Aneurysm.
10:35 Speaker 02 Yeah. So it's quite serious, but we laugh now. And then I got a, um, I got a.
10:40 Speaker 04 Well, everyone was laughing at the time.
10:43 Speaker 03 He couldn't hear that.
10:43 Speaker 02 I got hearing aids and it, it came in the NHS and they put a Burnley badge in it to try and like make me wear it. But I went to a school in Preston, so.
10:50 Speaker 04 Yeah, no, yeah, you get shit kicked out. Yeah, yeah.
10:52 Speaker 02 Exactly. And then it came in a, a pink and yellow lunchbox with, I promise you, Ellie the Elephant on the front, who had a hearing aid in. Imagine being in year 10.
11:02 Speaker 03 Ellie the Elephant or Nellie the Elephant?
11:03 Speaker 02 It was like, I just called it Ellie the Elephant.
11:05 Speaker 05 Ellie the Elephant.
11:06 Speaker 02 You know, you put your bags down at school to play football. It's like, it was those drawstring bags that everyone had. And they nicked it out of it and they wanted me to chase after it. And I was just like, um, and I've never seen it since.
11:17 Speaker 03 It's in Dagenham.
11:18 Speaker 02 Honestly, it's probably in Dagenham.
11:20 Speaker 04 Fifteen AirPods, yeah.
11:21 Speaker 02 So they, like, you know, the, like, lads or the bullies took it out and they were, like, trying to throw it and they wanted to catch it and they were just kicking it around the yard. That's for, I'm, I'm not even bothered, I never wore it and I've not seen it since.
11:30 Speaker 04 School's awful, isn't it?
11:32 Speaker 02 Yeah.
11:32 Speaker 05 Pretty school is relentless.
11:33 Speaker 02 Unless you were William who loved school, like.
11:36 Speaker 03 I did like school.
11:37 Speaker 04 Where did you go to school, William?
11:38 Speaker 03 I went to school in Bristol.
11:39 Speaker 04 Was it Vaulding or something like that?
11:41 Speaker 03 We, we called them in the independent sector, but yes, I, I was, I was, went to an independent school.
11:46 Speaker 04 Right.
11:47 Speaker 02 You're fascinated by William a bit, aren't you?
11:49 Speaker 04 Well, because I'm just common as muck, I'm just really.
11:51 Speaker 03 No, don't be silly.
11:52 Speaker 04 I do think, I do appreciate manners and things like that.
11:55 Speaker 03 Good.
11:55 Speaker 04 Making people feel comfortable and, uh, but I am, I nearly wore a boating blazer today.
12:01 Speaker 03 Oh, did you?
12:02 Speaker 04 And, and some loafers and I just thought.
12:04 Speaker 03 And what stopped you?
12:05 Speaker 04 You're trying too hard, James, relax. I'm sure, I'm sure he'll like you regardless.
12:09 Speaker 03 About trying to make everyone sort of the same. We want you to be your authentic self.
12:13 Speaker 04 Absolutely, yeah.
12:14 Speaker 03 Yeah, and that, that's what we've got.
12:16 Speaker 02 Could just say as well, look, this is like, look, that's the best album, my favourite ever album.
12:20 Speaker 03 The Arkshick Monkers album.
12:21 Speaker 02 We've got all these films here.
12:23 Speaker 03 Why have you got S Club, so, I mean, I like S Club, don't get me wrong, but.
12:26 Speaker 02 We were going for a sort of, um, nineties, like, you know.
12:31 Speaker 04 We wanted this to look like a nineties bedroom.
12:33 Speaker 02 Hmm, it does.
12:35 Speaker 04 That was maybe on a sitcom or something. You know, when you, you, you, you won't know, but when you grew up watching television.
12:41 Speaker 03 Yes.
12:42 Speaker 02 My family.
12:43 Speaker 04 You'd watch something like Saved by the Bell or something like that and you'd go, God, I'd wish I had his bedroom, he's so cool. He's got everything.
12:49 Speaker 03 I always used to think that about Hyacinth and Richard's bedroom and keeping appearances.
12:52 Speaker 04 Right.
12:53 Speaker 03 With the floral wallpaper and that's influenced my life.
12:55 Speaker 05 And he's, that's good, that's good too.
12:57 Speaker 02 Got that.
12:57 Speaker 03 I've basically got that saved.
12:58 Speaker 02 He actually has got that saved, oh, yeah.
13:01 Speaker 05 Well, that's a nice bedroom as well.
13:03 Speaker 03 Yes.
13:03 Speaker 05 And, um, but yeah, that's what we've, that's what we've got. So I think, I think I'm still kind of, I think I'm still kind of in that era in my head and I'm just sort of.
13:13 Speaker 03 Yeah.
13:13 Speaker 05 Every day surprised that it's not stayed exactly the same and that's pretty much my perennial reaction.
13:19 Speaker 03 The nineties were a great era.
13:20 Speaker 05 They were a great era and.
13:22 Speaker 04 It's good times as a kid, you've got it.
13:23 Speaker 05 Yeah, yeah, good entertainment, but not.
13:28 Speaker 05 Too much.
13:30 Speaker 03 Only four channels.
13:31 Speaker 05 Only four channels and.
13:32 Speaker 04 It was five towards the end, wasn't it?
13:34 Speaker 02 Never got it where I were though.
13:36 Speaker 04 Yeah, for for some people.
13:37 Speaker 02 Got it with grandma's and she thought it was mucky. They used to show soft porn, do you remember?
13:41 Speaker 04 Yeah.
13:42 Speaker 03 Eurotrash.
13:43 Speaker 02 No, they used to show like soft porn.
13:44 Speaker 04 No, that was Channel Four and Eurotrash.
13:46 Speaker 05 Eurotrash was.
13:47 Speaker 04 I once, um, I was staying at my nan's house. And we were watching Channel Five and she fell asleep in the evening. And then it cut to like.
13:56 Speaker 02 It did.
13:56 Speaker 04 And coming up next is the erotic drama for the evening. And she was asleep and I was just looking at this television going, oh god. Some boobs and stuff going on. I just ran out the room.
14:10 Speaker 04 I just left the room. I was like, I'm going to bed. Bye.
14:12 Speaker 03 And you were how old, sixteen?
14:14 Speaker 04 I was, uh, no, I was about seventeen. I was, I was, um. I was staying there for a, for a week. I was working in, she, she lived in Croydon and I was working there. For a week, so I stayed with my nan. And I was just having a lovely evening with her. And then she nodded off while we were watching the television and then all the rules changed.
14:33 Speaker 03 Wow.
14:33 Speaker 04 And I was like, I've got to get out of it. I've got to leave this situation as quickly as possible.
14:38 Speaker 05 Well, you.
14:39 Speaker 04 She had the remote as well. She had the remote, which was the problem.
14:42 Speaker 05 Oh, was it like when the jailers asleep on the keys?
14:44 Speaker 04 It was a bit like, yeah, it was like, I've got to make my escape now.
14:47 Speaker 05 Lift up the arm. You know, to get, so he just ran out. We were talking before you guys came about how James once leapt out of the window of a moving train as well. So you're voting to the fight or flight.
14:57 Speaker 04 Yeah, I'm just, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:59 Speaker 05 Just go.
15:00 Speaker 04 If I can just, if I had an ejector seat.
15:03 Speaker 05 Um.
15:04 Speaker 04 In social situations, I would just press that button sometimes.
15:06 Speaker 05 Yeah.
15:07 Speaker 04 That's why I'm like, I can't cope with this.
15:08 Speaker 05 I'm actually, I'm actually quite impressed by, so it was when they had those windows in the trains that you pulled down like that.
15:13 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah.
15:15 Speaker 05 And he'd missed the station or something, he was going the wrong way.
15:17 Speaker 04 It was a, it was a fast train.
15:19 Speaker 03 The train was still adjacent to the platform, presumably.
15:22 Speaker 04 No, it was, it was going past the platform that I needed to get off at. And um I'd I'd accidentally got on a fast train that was skipping certain stations. I was like, I'm not going all the way, not finishing up there to come all the way back again. So I just chucked my bag out and and rolled out the train.
15:39 Speaker 02 And onto the platform?
15:40 Speaker 04 Yeah.
15:40 Speaker 02 How fast was the train going?
15:41 Speaker 04 It must have been going about forty miles an hour.
15:44 Speaker 03 We don't encourage that at home.
15:46 Speaker 04 Absolutely nuts now. Like, I really did um like graze all my back and stuff.
15:51 Speaker 02 Yeah.
15:52 Speaker 04 Because I rolled out.
15:53 Speaker 05 Do you feel a bit shortchanged, Jordan? Because he did that and didn't hurt himself at all. It's you just want to put your bike back.
15:57 Speaker 02 He just seemed to have went deaf in one ear.
15:59 Speaker 04 Yeah.
16:00 Speaker 05 I was, I quite like your story.
16:01 Speaker 04 Also, what's the lesson there as well?
16:02 Speaker 05 In your story, I feel like you've sort of vaguely blamed your mum a bit. Because she had a baby, put my bike in the shit. But it wasn't that that caused it, was it? Like, unless it was.
16:13 Speaker 04 Because I'd be like, well, lesson learned. I'm not fucking putting my bike back or anything.
16:16 Speaker 05 You have like a really loud bell and your jock went ding.
16:19 Speaker 02 I don't, I honestly don't know. I just, I just remember it popping, like being on an airplane and thinking, that's weird. Because the altitude can't change in a ship.
16:28 Speaker 03 I, I think they should make a film of it and we could call it Deaf Became Her.
16:37 Speaker 02 That's very good, actually.
16:39 Speaker 03 Deaf Became Her. On many levels, yeah.
16:43 Speaker 04 What are we doing?
16:43 Speaker 02 Yeah, what are we doing?
16:44 Speaker 03 Let us know when we start recording.
16:46 Speaker 02 We've got a factoid as well.
16:47 Speaker 04 We should maybe say, welcome, what, what show is this? This is your show. This is our show. Right, because this is bizarre, this situation.
16:54 Speaker 02 Because I've started listening. So you know Chris Stark would do the Radio Wave?
16:58 Speaker 04 No.
16:59 Speaker 02 You, he, he was, he said to me, he went, say hello, I thought you worked to give them some games console thing. He was like, he was like, oh, it's really good, their podcast of what he went, and as well, he went of all the podcasts out at the moment, I don't give a crap about any, but theirs is really, I went, you want them?
17:16 Speaker 04 Yeah, Chrissy Boy, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the big, the big C.
17:21 Speaker 05 Do you remember when you developed that console with him and you were just going on and on and on?
17:24 Speaker 04 I feel like I remember something like that.
17:27 Speaker 02 You did some, it might have been Sony and you met, it would have been on Radio One.
17:31 Speaker 05 You developed Playstation Six, didn't you?
17:33 Speaker 04 That's right, yeah.
17:34 Speaker 02 He would have been on Radio One.
17:36 Speaker 04 What's his name?
17:36 Speaker 02 Chris Stark. Crouchy does the Crouchy podcast.
17:40 Speaker 04 Right.
17:41 Speaker 02 Uh, did that really like viral interview with My Lacunus years ago that changed how junkets are done now. He was on Radio One for years. He's like, he's pretty, you know, he's, he's.
17:52 Speaker 04 How long did I spend with this guy?
17:53 Speaker 02 Probably a full day filming.
17:55 Speaker 04 Right.
17:56 Speaker 02 But he said, he, he, yeah. Anyway, he.
17:59 Speaker 04 I don't remember him, but he sounds like a great guy.
18:00 Speaker 02 Oh, he's a, he's a, he's a good guy. He is.
18:03 Speaker 03 What, and what was he saying?
18:04 Speaker 02 Just said that.
18:05 Speaker 03 Say hello.
18:06 Speaker 02 Say hello. And I really like the podcast. And that's, that's why it's a bit mad that this work, because.
18:10 Speaker 03 Well, he's unsubscribed now.
18:12 Speaker 04 No, just tell him I said who.
18:14 Speaker 02 Okay.
18:18 Speaker 02 And audio always make hell by sex to my boss. And your podcast as well.
18:23 Speaker 04 Yeah.
18:23 Speaker 02 Yeah. So, and that's, and I've been saying, can we do a collab? Cause we often do collabs with other podcasts.
18:28 Speaker 04 Right.
18:28 Speaker 02 Is this your first one?
18:29 Speaker 04 Yeah.
18:30 Speaker 02 We can tell.
18:32 Speaker 04 Well, this is it, right? We don't, we don't do guests, do we?
18:36 Speaker 02 No, we don't. But just every now and then, we don't do guests, but every now and then we'll collab with people that we have a podcast. And it's good to maybe now some of our listeners might start listening to you. And that's how, or your listeners.
18:48 Speaker 04 Yeah, we, yeah, we should benefit more than you guys. Like, we know why we're here.
18:56 Speaker 02 So crack on as well.
18:58 Speaker 04 It's a bit lopsided, I'll be honest with you, the benefits, but, uh, we appreciate it.
19:02 Speaker 02 Oh, thank you.
19:03 Speaker 05 And also, I mean, the reason we appear confused is that we are still not really on favour, au fait with our format, are we?
19:10 Speaker 04 No, yeah, we don't know what this podcast is.
19:12 Speaker 05 Our podcast's supposed to be about facts.
19:13 Speaker 02 Yeah, sometimes we do that.
19:15 Speaker 05 We sometimes do them, sometimes change the guests and.
19:18 Speaker 04 Cause you know, you're not allowed to, um, just go, oh, cause my, I said to you, oh, we should do a podcast together.
19:25 Speaker 05 Yeah.
19:25 Speaker 04 I'm sure someone will make it. It'd be fine. Like, it's a no brainer.
19:28 Speaker 05 You have to have a format.
19:29 Speaker 04 And I was like.
19:30 Speaker 03 No brainer is how they described this.
19:31 Speaker 04 Yeah. There's still, there's no brain involved at all with the making this podcast.
19:37 Speaker 05 The brain gets in the way really, I think of.
19:39 Speaker 04 But you have to have a format, don't you? You're not allowed to, we touched hands, sorry. You have to have a format. You can't just say, oh, me and Joe just make each other laugh for an hour. There's got to be like a sort of like, well, there needs to be some sort of idea. And I went, well, all right, we'll, we'll tell each other.
19:55 Speaker 05 Don't worry too much about.
19:57 Speaker 04 Well, we haven't. We haven't, we haven't spent any time on the format.
20:01 Speaker 02 We've done prep, we've got facts.
20:04 Speaker 04 Have you?
20:06 Speaker 02 Yeah, we've done our favourite comedy.
20:08 Speaker 04 You're working too hard. Well, that's the difference really between a successful podcast and our one, I suppose.
20:14 Speaker 05 I have started reading.
20:15 Speaker 04 How much thought do you put into this podcast during the week, just out of interest?
20:19 Speaker 05 Well, I li-.
20:19 Speaker 04 Nah, you're lying.
20:20 Speaker 05 No, I li- I li- I do listen back to.
20:23 Speaker 02 Ah, do you listen back?
20:24 Speaker 05 I listen, I listen back.
20:25 Speaker 02 That'll stop.
20:26 Speaker 04 I told you not to listen to it.
20:28 Speaker 03 He skips through your bits.
20:31 Speaker 04 Because you start panicking.
20:32 Speaker 05 I listen back and I go, oh, did I make it sound like some T-shirts are better than other T-shirts?
20:39 Speaker 04 Yeah.
20:39 Speaker 05 And I go to Hannah and she goes.
20:40 Speaker 04 All those people that like those T-shirts are now going to come after me.
20:43 Speaker 05 And I, and I go to Hannah and she's like.
20:45 Speaker 04 Stop listening to it.
20:45 Speaker 05 Just, you're mental and stop talking to me. And.
20:50 Speaker 04 Stop talking to me is good.
20:51 Speaker 05 Well, you don't stop talking to me. I think it's like, stop talking to me if it's this sort of shit.
20:55 Speaker 03 The ti- the time to worry is when you have entire chats with your production team in WhatsApp groups as to whether you think you're going to be sued by Daddy Pig, which potentially happened this week.
21:04 Speaker 02 I was genuinely.
21:05 Speaker 03 That's when you should start to worry.
21:07 Speaker 02 My, my issue is, if it's usually fine on a podcast when they clip it up and put it on social media.
21:11 Speaker 05 Yeah.
21:12 Speaker 02 Because people don't get the context. It's like a 30 second clip of it. So I'm like, I would say, don't clip that up or, and it's fine to keep in the episode.
21:18 Speaker 05 Yeah.
21:18 Speaker 02 So they, they've clipped up a bit this week of me saying Daddy Pig is known for being a bit misogynistic. And I, genuine chat in our group was.
21:25 Speaker 03 It's your opinion.
21:26 Speaker 02 Will we get sued by the makers of this?
21:27 Speaker 03 We won't.
21:29 Speaker 02 Will I get sued?
21:30 Speaker 04 Um, got any facts?
21:32 Speaker 02 My facts that I like to tell people, but forgive me if you've known it, but it always blows people. Do you know why soap operas are called soap operas?
21:39 Speaker 04 I do actually, yeah.
21:40 Speaker 05 I don't know why. I don't know.
21:42 Speaker 03 And there might be listeners listening that, there might be listeners listening that don't know.
21:47 Speaker 02 A degree in media studies gets you.
21:49 Speaker 05 Can I take a guess?
21:50 Speaker 02 Go on.
21:50 Speaker 05 But this is probably wrong. Is it an acronym?
21:52 Speaker 02 No.
21:52 Speaker 05 No, okay, that's all I had.
21:54 Speaker 02 It's because when they started in, um, the 50s in American television.
21:58 Speaker 05 Yeah.
21:58 Speaker 02 Uh, they're running the daytime. A lot of Housewives watched them and they were predominantly sponsored by soap powders.
22:05 Speaker 05 Oh.
22:05 Speaker 02 So they were nicknamed in a tabloid as soap operas.
22:08 Speaker 05 Soap operas.
22:09 Speaker 02 So that's why I tell people that. And it's usually northern women of a certain age that find that fascinating.
22:14 Speaker 04 Isn't there another thing about, what is it called? Is it Kitchen Sink Drama or something like that?
22:19 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, it's very in the eighties, like Rita, Sue and Bob two and that.
22:22 Speaker 04 Is that the same sort of thing?
22:24 Speaker 05 I think Kitchen Sink Drama was meant to be like. Drama was seen as very sort of highfalutin and all about dinner parties and stuff. And so then you had like a new wave of writers.
22:34 Speaker 03 Pinter.
22:35 Speaker 05 Yeah, and it was more like, actually, life's about, you know, being in a crummy boarding house and like there not been any milk and like there's a draft and that sort of thing. And like that, I think that's kitchen sink. I feel like kitchen sink is a bit, um. Is it sort of mildly derogatory if you say something's a bit kitchen sink, you're like, oh, it's just a bit like, you're just kind of putting in stuff to make it seem hard edged and.
23:00 Speaker 02 Another one, I don't quote me on this because I don't have time to Google it.
23:03 Speaker 04 That's fine.
23:04 Speaker 02 But you know why we go on a chat show or a radio show to plug something?
23:08 Speaker 04 Yeah. Plug the, the, the phrase to plug something. Yeah, no, I don't know that.
23:12 Speaker 02 Because you know, the old, um, again, I might have to check this, but you know, the old.
23:19 Speaker 04 We never check anything.
23:20 Speaker 02 Pirate radio stations, they were on ships and one, the owner of that.
23:24 Speaker 04 Radio Caroline and stuff like that.
23:25 Speaker 02 It was called Captain Plug or something.
23:27 Speaker 04 Right.
23:27 Speaker 02 And that was his surname. And that's when, because it was all BBC then, so you could go on to promote stuff. So you could plug it apparently. And I think he got money from it on somewhere.
23:36 Speaker 05 Whereas on the BBC you couldn't.
23:38 Speaker 02 Yeah.
23:38 Speaker 05 Because you can't advertise on the BBC.
23:39 Speaker 02 Yeah. So I think it's called plugging.
23:41 Speaker 05 Yeah.
23:42 Speaker 02 That's where I think it comes from.
23:44 Speaker 04 I'd like to do a bit of plugging.
23:46 Speaker 02 William.
23:47 Speaker 03 My, my fact is that a tablecloth for a buffet must touch the floor, whereas for a dinner, it needs to be off the floor.
23:54 Speaker 04 Right.
23:55 Speaker 03 Did you know that?
23:55 Speaker 04 I didn't know that. All I know is that my tablecloths have to not come off the table at all whatsoever.
24:03 Speaker 03 Right.
24:03 Speaker 04 Because my dog will grab it.
24:05 Speaker 03 Oh, then I suggest you don't do buffets.
24:08 Speaker 04 Oh.
24:08 Speaker 05 And if you do do buffets, don't put like, you know, doggy treats.
24:13 Speaker 02 Why does it have to touch the floor from buffet?
24:16 Speaker 03 So you don't see any of the table legs because you wouldn't have chairs or anything. Because a buffet, you wouldn't have.
24:20 Speaker 05 Oh, of course. Okay.
24:23 Speaker 03 Would be, I sus- I suspect, just the logic.
24:25 Speaker 05 I mean.
24:26 Speaker 02 Impressed with that, boys?
24:28 Speaker 05 I'm impressed with that.
24:29 Speaker 03 How many tablecloth facts do you normally do on this podcast?
24:32 Speaker 05 Um, we, we.
24:33 Speaker 04 That's our first.
24:34 Speaker 05 Yeah.
24:34 Speaker 03 Okay.
24:35 Speaker 04 That's our first tablecloth fact, but I would like to expand on it a little bit. I've still got questions.
24:39 Speaker 05 I could see us, we, I, we, I.
24:40 Speaker 04 Because I like the, I like the history of these, um, you know, these sort of things that you do.
24:46 Speaker 03 Yes.
24:46 Speaker 04 Maybe they don't make sense now.
24:48 Speaker 05 Come to the right man.
24:49 Speaker 04 So what, what was the, what, what is it about the, the legs of a?
24:53 Speaker 03 Well, the Victoria, it's probably a rule that was, was created in the Victorian era because the Victorians were quite sort of prudish. They used to cut, they used to put skirts around pianos, grand pianos, because they thought that, um, piano legs were a bit erotic.
25:05 Speaker 04 A bit too sexy?
25:06 Speaker 03 Yeah. So they, they would cut them up.
25:08 Speaker 04 Sexy, but I'm always Googling piano legs.
25:10 Speaker 05 Yeah, yeah.
25:13 Speaker 04 Must sneak off to the toilet.
25:14 Speaker 05 Oh, it's embarrassing when the history comes up, isn't it?
25:16 Speaker 04 I know.
25:17 Speaker 05 Ah, no, no. Just die a Steinway.
25:21 Speaker 04 I was gonna say Yamaha.
25:22 Speaker 05 Yamaha.
25:23 Speaker 03 Do you have an upright at home?
25:25 Speaker 04 Uh, I used to, uh, I did used to have an upright. Yeah. I used to, um, I had an old church piano.
25:31 Speaker 02 Oh, did you?
25:32 Speaker 04 It was, um.
25:32 Speaker 02 Quite posh.
25:33 Speaker 04 It cost, uh, because I liked music and stuff like that and instruments and things. And I was obsessed with playing guitar and all sorts of instruments. And I asked my parents for a piano and I didn't want a keyboard. I wanted a, an actual stringed piano. So I could use the pedals and stuff like that.
25:49 Speaker 03 Yeah.
25:50 Speaker 04 Um, and they managed to find one that a church was selling for 200 quid.
25:54 Speaker 02 Fair play.
25:55 Speaker 04 But I had to go and get it with Ferg, my mate Ferg.
25:58 Speaker 02 Ferg was, yeah.
25:59 Speaker 04 And, um, we, we turned up in a Hilux, Toyota Hilux pickup truck.
26:06 Speaker 05 Oh, yeah.
26:07 Speaker 04 And the bloke went to us, oh, have you got a piano truck? And he went, uh, yeah, trucks outside.
26:13 Speaker 05 Right.
26:14 Speaker 04 And he, and he meant like a sort of something that you put the piano on wheels so that you could wheel it to the thing.
26:19 Speaker 05 Yes.
26:19 Speaker 04 But we didn't have that. We had to like move it ourselves. It was a pain in the ass. Good present. I was like, thanks for that.
26:27 Speaker 05 My mom once got me um a sweatshirt.
26:29 Speaker 04 Yeah.
26:30 Speaker 05 And it still had the tag, you know, that that big, the the rigid plastic, yeah. Flying sword shaped. And she was like, I did pay for it, but they just didn't take this off. And I was like, well.
26:40 Speaker 03 That's gonna be very uncomfortable.
26:41 Speaker 05 I don't, well, I don't know what to do. I I I had to like cut it out.
26:45 Speaker 04 They burst, don't they?
26:46 Speaker 02 Yeah, I always got tired.
26:48 Speaker 04 Well, no, not. Don't get like ink coming out.
26:49 Speaker 05 Well, they don't burst if you cut a sufficiently large piece of fabric away with it.
26:53 Speaker 04 Right.
26:54 Speaker 05 Which is what I did. So now I was like, I've just got a sweatshirt with a massive hole in the back of the collar.
26:58 Speaker 04 Yeah, thanks, man.
27:00 Speaker 05 Thanks.
27:01 Speaker 04 I'm usually way more structured than you. I'm usually trying to keep Joe, but I'm just.
27:04 Speaker 05 Well.
27:05 Speaker 04 It it honestly feels like like the last day of school for me at the moment.
27:09 Speaker 02 Got a video.
27:09 Speaker 04 I've just gotten a bit too excited.
27:11 Speaker 03 This could be the last ever episode of your podcast because Jordan's been on it. And we have a recurring joke that anything Jordan does, it normally ends.
27:19 Speaker 02 I I've hosted TV shows and it's you, they.
27:22 Speaker 03 They don't normally go past series one.
27:23 Speaker 02 Never go past.
27:24 Speaker 03 Or the pilot.
27:24 Speaker 02 I was on Saturday Night Takeaway the year I was on, they stopped doing it.
27:27 Speaker 04 Right.
27:28 Speaker 02 On the deck.
27:28 Speaker 04 I've got, I had a, before the in betweeners, I had a bit of a track record of that.
27:32 Speaker 02 Yeah.
27:32 Speaker 04 I was constantly doing pilots and never got made.
27:34 Speaker 02 Yeah.
27:35 Speaker 04 Um, I was in, I was in the last series of a TV show called Teachers on Channel Four.
27:41 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
27:41 Speaker 04 Which was genuinely a really, really successful TV show. Uh, and yeah, I I I went on it one series and they were like, right, that's the end of that then.
27:50 Speaker 05 I think I might have ruined the British Comedy Awards.
27:53 Speaker 04 When?
27:53 Speaker 05 Because I had to present an award once and they were like, just before, this award is sponsored um by a charity for people who've got cystic fibrosis.
28:04 Speaker 04 Right.
28:04 Speaker 05 And I went out.
28:05 Speaker 04 You did a load of.
28:06 Speaker 05 No, no, also what I was meant to go out and say, look, this is a really great uh, charity, like there's loads of research into cystic fibrosis and um, so that's a great thing. And that would have been fine.
28:19 Speaker 04 Yeah.
28:19 Speaker 05 And instead I went out and I just forgot to say anything about cystic fibrosis.
28:23 Speaker 04 Oh.
28:23 Speaker 05 And the bloke went, here are the nominees for best stand up. And they read out the nominees and he went, and the winner is, and I went, oh, fuck, I just very quickly, sorry. Cystic fibrosis is a really um, uh, life changing condition, but there is a lot of hope. We can do like genetic research into it and um, and the guy, and and they were just. And then after that, they said, and the winner is.
28:48 Speaker 04 Right.
28:49 Speaker 05 And he came up and he was really, he was genuinely angry with me. He wouldn't shake my hand and.
28:54 Speaker 02 Who was it?
28:55 Speaker 05 It, I can't remember, but I remember his, his um shtick upon coming up was very much fucking hell. And then after that, they didn't do the British Comedy Awards anymore. Showed his true colours.
29:04 Speaker 04 I stopped going to uh awards things.
29:06 Speaker 05 I've stopped going as well. Do you know why?
29:08 Speaker 02 You're not invited.
29:09 Speaker 04 No, but I mean, even when we were like, even when um.
29:11 Speaker 05 Yeah.
29:12 Speaker 04 Like the Empire Awards.
29:13 Speaker 05 I've stopped going to LA as well, do you know? I'll just stop going.
29:16 Speaker 04 Back in the days where we were actually getting awards, um I stopped going. I couldn't do it anymore. I think I went to one NTAs once years ago. I was just like, this is a weird situation.
29:27 Speaker 05 They're boring.
29:28 Speaker 02 You've been to the podcast award yet?
29:30 Speaker 04 No, we've not, no, we're not getting near those.
29:32 Speaker 02 Yeah, you've got to come.
29:34 Speaker 05 No, not yet.
29:35 Speaker 02 There's, there's about forty awards.
29:37 Speaker 04 We might present.
29:38 Speaker 05 Yeah.
29:39 Speaker 02 You'll get asked, trust me, you'll be asked this year.
29:41 Speaker 04 But we're not gonna uh.
29:42 Speaker 05 Yeah.
29:43 Speaker 04 We're not gonna be going up, going, who's this, who's this come?
29:46 Speaker 05 I also won't be asked to present because, because I fuck that up as well.
29:51 Speaker 04 They'd be lucky. They'd be lucky to have us present, Joe.
29:53 Speaker 05 Lucky to have me and I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry for trying to help people who live with cystic fibrosis. Sorry.
30:01 Speaker 04 Yeah.
30:02 Speaker 05 Gagged.
30:04 Speaker 05 Gagged.
30:05 Speaker 02 What year was that?
30:06 Speaker 04 Yeah, that's what I wanna know as well.
30:07 Speaker 05 Twenty fifteen or something. It was, but it was um, but I, I think I was responsible for like. That was the death knell for it. Like I was already getting a bit shit and then they were like, well, not after this. This is, this is embarrassing and.
30:24 Speaker 05 So I'd, yeah, I, I think I can actually posit causality there. It wasn't just a coincidence. It was like, not now.
30:31 Speaker 02 I don't know if we should invite you onto Sexton now.
30:34 Speaker 05 Yeah, well, no, because I've.
30:36 Speaker 04 It's a genuine, yeah, no, no, it's a.
30:38 Speaker 03 It's a concern.
30:39 Speaker 04 Yeah, I would.
30:40 Speaker 03 You and Jordan.
30:41 Speaker 05 Okay.
30:42 Speaker 03 Stand at home.
30:42 Speaker 05 Oh my god, yeah.
30:44 Speaker 03 Yeah.
30:44 Speaker 05 Yeah, it could be calamity twitters.
30:46 Speaker 04 You do, you do live stuff a lot, right? You're on the radio, that's live and everything.
30:51 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, every month, yeah.
30:52 Speaker 04 That's terrifying.
30:53 Speaker 03 There's a slight delay, but it's.
30:54 Speaker 02 No, there isn't.
30:55 Speaker 04 Do you have a dump button?
30:56 Speaker 02 Yeah, just for callers, just in case.
30:58 Speaker 04 Yeah.
30:58 Speaker 03 Hmm.
30:58 Speaker 02 But just because you never, ever know what they're gonna say.
31:01 Speaker 03 Now, would you like to come to our
31:04 Speaker 04 Yeah.
31:04 Speaker 03 studio, which is literally just opposite.
31:06 Speaker 04 Yeah.
31:06 Speaker 03 And come on to help us exit my boss.
31:08 Speaker 04 Really? Yeah.
31:09 Speaker 03 We would be honoured.
31:10 Speaker 02 For the second part, we do, we get a lot of like dilemmas and filthy emails and stuff, so we think you'd be good at that.
31:16 Speaker 04 Yeah.
31:16 Speaker 05 Do you, if you still want us to come on, then we'd be honoured. I don't know whether necessarily.
31:22 Speaker 02 Just to let you know, our most famous dilemma is a, a girl was house-sitting for her parents. She got drunk one night, found a dildo under the bed, started using it, was giving her the best pleasure of her life all week.
31:35 Speaker 04 Sure.
31:36 Speaker 02 And then she found out it was cloned to her dad's penis.
31:39 Speaker 03 It was what is called a clone a willy, which is a thing.
31:42 Speaker 02 And she found out the best.
31:43 Speaker 03 Orgasm was.
31:44 Speaker 02 Was from her, so there you go, that's the sort of thing we get.
31:48 Speaker 04 Maybe sneeze, it was so salacious.
31:51 Speaker 05 Why is she so?
31:53 Speaker 02 So that's.
31:53 Speaker 03 I mean, why is she using her mother's extra?
31:54 Speaker 05 Yeah, in a way, I'd.
31:56 Speaker 02 Yeah, there's loads of questions there.
31:57 Speaker 03 It's Freudian.
31:58 Speaker 05 My goodness.
31:58 Speaker 03 Well, after the break, we'll have more of that.
32:01 Speaker 05 Oh, oh, I'm so sorry.
32:02 Speaker 03 I'm sorry, I was saying, well, after the break, we can have more, more of that.
32:04 Speaker 04 There we go, structured.
32:09 Speaker 00 Hi, everyone, it's Katie Couric. And on my podcast, Next Question, we love stories about how women are taking control of their lives. They are increasingly leading financial decisions in their households. Yet many say they don't feel fully prepared for the long-term financial choices ahead. Real confidence comes from knowing your financial future is protected, whatever happens. Pacific Life has helped generations protect what matters today and prepare for tomorrow with life insurance and lifetime income solutions. It's a promise Pacific Life has kept for nearly 160 years, so its customers can keep theirs.
32:51 Speaker 00 Ask a financial professional about how Pacific Life can help you create a more confident financial future. Pacific Life Insurance Company, Omaha, Nebraska, and in New York, Pacific Life and Annuity, Phoenix, Arizona.
33:08 Speaker 06 1965, London. The world's largest uncut diamond has been stolen from the Natural History Museum. Shortly after, a young London window cleaner is arrested. They said, "You're nicked. You're in a lot of trouble." But was he set up? Wanted, I've fled to fall of two cops. His family say he is guilty, but of a totally different crime.
33:32 Speaker 07 You're not going to end up going to prison, are you, kid, later?
33:34 Speaker 06 I'm J C Long and this is Rough Diamond. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts.
33:44 Speaker 02 Welcome back. Now it's time for Joe and James from Fact Up to experience Help, I Sex and My Boss with questions and dilemmas from our G and D'Vas. And we've moved studio, haven't we?
33:54 Speaker 03 We have, yes. You won't get that if you're listening, but if you're watching on any of the visual platforms, you will see that we've gone from blue to red, much like the country.
34:03 Speaker 02 We would like to give you our signature drink. We always start ours with, I know you've got a bottle of Stella with you.
34:08 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah. This will pair beautifully.
34:09 Speaker 02 Have you ever, do you drink, Joe?
34:11 Speaker 05 Well, I can have it. Yeah, I have one.
34:14 Speaker 02 Okay, all right, okay. It's called...
34:16 Speaker 03 It's not very alcoholic, so.
34:17 Speaker 05 What is Dubonnet?
34:18 Speaker 02 It's gin and Dubonnet. It's often known as the Queen Mother. It's the Queen's mother's favourite drink.
34:23 Speaker 05 Oh, yeah.
34:25 Speaker 02 But Dubonnet is like, it's a...
34:26 Speaker 05 Fortified wine, isn't it?
34:27 Speaker 03 Yes, it's like, just because you fingered that ice cube, dropped it back in, realised you should have used tongue. You've already touched it.
34:33 Speaker 05 Well, that's all right.
34:35 Speaker 02 I love that one, then.
34:36 Speaker 05 Yeah, it's touched both.
34:37 Speaker 03 Indeed, yeah. Dubai is like a port. It's a fortified red wine, but it's lighter than port. It's not as heavy.
34:43 Speaker 02 Okay.
34:43 Speaker 03 It's a secret recipe. We don't know it.
34:45 Speaker 02 Good, Joe's face.
34:47 Speaker 03 And it's, it is a, it's a hearty drink.
34:51 Speaker 02 Yeah, no, I mean...
34:51 Speaker 05 It gets you pissed.
34:52 Speaker 04 Is it sweet? Is it a sweet?
34:53 Speaker 03 It can be, yeah.
34:54 Speaker 04 Like a sort of sherry sort of?
34:56 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's a sherryish vibe, but it gets you like a giddy girly drunk.
35:00 Speaker 05 That's fine. That's good, because we've got an episode of our podcast to shoot straight after this, so.
35:05 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah. No, that'll be fine.
35:06 Speaker 04 This is gonna be great.
35:07 Speaker 03 If you, normally you have it with slice of lemon or orange.
35:11 Speaker 02 Yes.
35:11 Speaker 03 That's not been provided.
35:12 Speaker 02 That's how, it doesn't matter. It's fine.
35:14 Speaker 03 But I want you to imagine it.
35:15 Speaker 05 I'm free pouring as well.
35:16 Speaker 03 It's normally two parts Dubonnet, one part gin.
35:18 Speaker 02 Oh, I do two and two.
35:20 Speaker 05 That's fine, which is, yeah.
35:22 Speaker 02 Yeah, I have a feeling the Queen Mum, you know.
35:24 Speaker 03 She lived to 101, so.
35:26 Speaker 02 She was doing a two and two, wasn't she?
35:28 Speaker 03 Yes.
35:28 Speaker 02 That should do. I have a super nacho. Oh, you see, thanks so much for doing this, because like I said, I was... Big fan of the in-betweeners.
35:37 Speaker 05 Yeah, bloody, oh yeah, alright, yeah, no, that's, that's, that's nice.
35:39 Speaker 04 Is that the stuff?
35:40 Speaker 05 Yeah, it's like, um.
35:42 Speaker 02 It's good, it's a good garden drink.
35:46 Speaker 04 That's lovely.
35:47 Speaker 03 There we go, oh, I'm so glad you like it.
35:49 Speaker 02 Cheers, boys.
35:50 Speaker 04 Cheers.
35:51 Speaker 03 Yes.
35:51 Speaker 02 Oh, don't cling, it's common.
35:56 Speaker 05 Is that right?
35:56 Speaker 03 You might get away with that.
35:58 Speaker 04 Make sure that we're all trustworthy and that we're not.
36:00 Speaker 03 Well, it was, yes, well done, yes, but we are.
36:03 Speaker 02 Cheers, cheers, cheers.
36:05 Speaker 04 Cheers.
36:06 Speaker 02 That's so nice to actually cheers, you won't, you won't.
36:08 Speaker 05 We're just, yeah.
36:10 Speaker 04 Will you do it for me?
36:11 Speaker 03 No, it's in my contract.
36:12 Speaker 04 Oh.
36:13 Speaker 03 They have to pay me extra if I cling.
36:15 Speaker 04 That's really nice.
36:16 Speaker 02 We appreciate this and welcome to our new studio that all our listeners hate, so.
36:21 Speaker 05 Why do they hate it?
36:22 Speaker 02 Because nobody likes change and we decided we needed a new, a new.
36:26 Speaker 05 Well, you have to get them used to change.
36:28 Speaker 02 I know.
36:29 Speaker 05 You know, the world's going to change.
36:30 Speaker 04 People get used to it, yeah.
36:31 Speaker 02 Yeah, these are all our favourite things here, that's my dead dog Frank.
36:35 Speaker 05 Yeah.
36:35 Speaker 02 That's Burnley there, off his ace.
36:38 Speaker 05 Yeah.
36:38 Speaker 02 I feel like, you know, when your mate comes to you, you, you want to be mates with someone at school and you back them around to your house and you show them your bedroom for the first time.
36:45 Speaker 04 Yeah.
36:46 Speaker 05 Yeah.
36:47 Speaker 02 It's my fish tank.
36:48 Speaker 04 I used to make a joke, like, when I was like, sort of nineteen, twenty or something like that, like, way too old. I, I used to get, like, if I'd go around my mates, I'd go, right, where's your toys? Where's all your stuff? Where's all your stuff?
36:59 Speaker 05 That's sweet.
37:00 Speaker 04 Just your little joke.
37:01 Speaker 05 That's nice, so.
37:02 Speaker 02 I'm showing them around.
37:03 Speaker 03 I would have friends around to my bedroom and show them something I like as well.
37:06 Speaker 04 Hmm.
37:08 Speaker 03 Bet you did in your school.
37:09 Speaker 04 Which was my beanie baby. One of the toys that you were telling me about earlier, about that girl that fell in love with a.
37:16 Speaker 02 We've got one of them, clone a release.
37:17 Speaker 03 Clearly.
37:18 Speaker 05 Yeah, actually, I did.
37:19 Speaker 02 Where is it?
37:20 Speaker 05 It's outside, it's sort of on the way in, yeah.
37:21 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah, it's on the way in, so you can take that home if you want, because we actually got loads sent in. Do you want to clone your penis?
37:26 Speaker 04 Penis? Uh, yeah.
37:29 Speaker 02 Apparently, it's, we've had a few listeners use, because they, basically, they sent them in after that.
37:34 Speaker 04 Right.
37:34 Speaker 02 Went viral. Apparently, a lot of listeners have said it's quite hard to stay erect for the, for that long, because you've got to keep it into the.
37:41 Speaker 04 We could probably just use one kit between us as well.
37:44 Speaker 05 Yeah, we, yeah, would we, yeah, I'll do the bottom half and you can do, you do the end.
37:49 Speaker 02 So, yeah.
37:51 Speaker 02 But we, the reason why we're doing this.
37:52 Speaker 05 Because that does confuse me, because it is, sorry, children, I, I, I'm. That guy must have a great penis. That's all I'm thinking. I mean, what have I don't, I don't.
38:02 Speaker 03 I'm trying to get the address.
38:04 Speaker 05 I don't know whether Hannah has one of these, but I very much doubt it would be a clone of my penis. Because I have a, like, level up, for God's sake. I mean, do you know what I mean?
38:13 Speaker 04 Who's using all of that?
38:14 Speaker 05 That's mental.
38:14 Speaker 03 That's a glow in the dark one as well.
38:16 Speaker 04 That's ridiculous.
38:17 Speaker 05 This is ridiculous. This stuff is just put out to make men feel bad. Like, look at the fucking ludicrous.
38:22 Speaker 04 I feel terrible now. Sorry, Claire. That's my wife.
38:28 Speaker 04 I won't need all of that.
38:29 Speaker 05 That's mental.
38:29 Speaker 03 No.
38:30 Speaker 05 Honestly.
38:30 Speaker 02 We could make two.
38:32 Speaker 04 Absolutely.
38:32 Speaker 03 They also do, as we discovered, they do clone a pussy.
38:36 Speaker 04 Right. That seems invasive.
38:39 Speaker 03 Well, it's a different technique, I'm told.
38:41 Speaker 02 How did they do that?
38:43 Speaker 03 I don't, well, I don't know. I'm not gonna find out. Not much need.
38:48 Speaker 02 Hey, we'll leave that one, B B.
38:50 Speaker 03 Yeah, we'll leave it with you. When we see, when we see you in a few weeks in the studio and when we cross corridors, let us know how you got on.
38:56 Speaker 04 Yeah, we'll do it.
38:57 Speaker 03 Shall we go on to the dilemmas? We, by the way, have no idea what is coming up. So whilst you might think that we prepare our podcast, we don't prepare this bit.
39:04 Speaker 05 No.
39:04 Speaker 02 So we read them for the first time and then react to them.
39:06 Speaker 05 Well, I think, I agree with that. I think you want the spontaneous reaction.
39:09 Speaker 03 Exactly. Our first dilemma is from Chloe.
39:12 Speaker 05 Okay.
39:12 Speaker 03 Hi, boys. I work in a secondary school and one morning I'm walking into work, coffee in hand, when I pass a group of year ten lads huddle together, looking deeply suspicious. You know the look, the kind that screams, we are absolutely making terrible choices right now. But it was before work hours and quite frankly, I wasn't being paid enough at eight AM to investigate. Fast forward later that day when the gossip mill starts turning, turns out one of these lads had let his mate shave his head in school. Not ideal. But wait, it gets worse. One artistic genius amongst them had shaved a full-on penis and balls into the back of his head.
39:42 Speaker 03 As the details unfolded, because secondary school drama always arrives in episodes, I discovered this wasn't even a prank gone wrong. No, he had apparently made forty pounds from the ordeal because each of his mates had chipped in a fiver to convince him to do it.
39:54 Speaker 02 Makes you proud to be British.
39:55 Speaker 05 Forty pounds, this is, this is exactly the sort of entrepreneurial spirit that, um.
39:59 Speaker 04 I don't know what he says about me, but I'm like, I'll do that now.
40:02 Speaker 03 This is how Lord Sugar started.
40:04 Speaker 05 This is, this won't happen in any other country apart from Britain. I love it. Yeah, I mean, I, what's the dilemma?
40:11 Speaker 03 Well, Chloe continues. I found this significantly funnier than other members of staff seemed to. While colleagues were reacting with genuine concern, I was trying to maintain the professional composure required when faced with a child who had turned himself into a literal dickhead. So what is the etiquette here? How much sympathy are you expected to show when someone has willingly agreed to have a penis shaved into the back of their own head for less than the price of a family takeaway? Chloe.
40:33 Speaker 05 Ah, wow.
40:34 Speaker 02 Discuss.
40:35 Speaker 04 Well, I'm biased. I always fall on the side of comedy.
40:39 Speaker 05 Yeah.
40:39 Speaker 04 I always think if something's funny, then it's worth doing. It was very much our ethos when we were doing the in-between.
40:47 Speaker 05 I was thinking, I'm pretty sure money changed hands on the in-betweeners for weird stuff to happen.
40:53 Speaker 04 I'm not talking about what we got to.
40:57 Speaker 05 We're not allowed to talk.
40:57 Speaker 04 No, we're not.
40:59 Speaker 05 There was some.
41:00 Speaker 04 No, I think.
41:01 Speaker 05 It was good times and I don't know why we're not allowed to talk about it.
41:03 Speaker 04 I think one is, I think one is funny.
41:05 Speaker 05 It was a genuine laugh and everyone, everyone wanted to do it and it's fine.
41:07 Speaker 04 I think it's great that it's year tens. That's a great age, fourteen, fifteen.
41:12 Speaker 05 It's a great year, isn't it?
41:13 Speaker 04 One of the boys thought I could make forty quid here. Cause he's had to go back to his parents as well and stuff like that. I think it's genius. I think.
41:22 Speaker 03 I guess you could. I mean, if you've got a penis shaved into your head, at least with further pruning, you can get rid of it quite quickly.
41:29 Speaker 04 I'd commit to it. I'll be honest.
41:31 Speaker 05 There should have been a contract saying, and also you're not to shave this off.
41:35 Speaker 04 You've got to keep it awake.
41:36 Speaker 05 This for a minute, otherwise we're getting our forty quid back.
41:38 Speaker 04 Yeah.
41:39 Speaker 02 Was it just in my school, but in the nineties, two thousands, a lot of lads had night ticks shaved into the back of their heads. Was that in my?
41:46 Speaker 03 That was definitely not at my school.
41:47 Speaker 02 Yeah. Are you quite middle class?
41:49 Speaker 03 We had the Gucci logos and so.
41:51 Speaker 02 That was quite, there was quite a few lads in my school.
41:54 Speaker 04 I had pals with night tick on the side.
41:56 Speaker 02 Night tick, had the shaved eyebrow and.
41:58 Speaker 04 Blonde tips on the quiff.
42:02 Speaker 05 Yeah, we had, I did have a quiff for a bit. I don't know if you've done the tips.
42:06 Speaker 04 My mate, my mate's older brother, you know how the older brothers are always the coolest? They're the cool ones. My mate's older brother, he had a blonde quiff and I was like, wow, imagine that.
42:15 Speaker 03 Right, Johnny Bravo.
42:17 Speaker 04 It was a bit like that, but well, it was just the quiff. The rest of the hair.
42:22 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah, with the bald head. Yeah. That was, that was very much my brother at school. He was northie, but I weren't allowed to be called northie.
42:29 Speaker 04 Right.
42:29 Speaker 02 And no one dared touch me because he was hard.
42:31 Speaker 04 Yeah.
42:32 Speaker 02 He's a paratrooper now. So it was always meant to be. And I was proper soft. And then when he left in year eleven, I got battered for about six months for being a gobshite. So that was very much.
42:41 Speaker 04 Can he drop in? Can he just?
42:43 Speaker 02 He still does now. Every now and then.
42:45 Speaker 04 Jump out the plane.
42:46 Speaker 05 Yeah. Um. Okay, so I think, yeah, the, the, I mean, look, you find it funny, but you are being employed as a teacher. So within your working hours, I would say you have to toe the party line. I tell you, I mean, I don't know.
42:55 Speaker 04 My favourite teachers were the ones that seemed human.
42:58 Speaker 05 Same.
42:59 Speaker 04 My favourite teachers, the ones that reached me and sort of I genuinely actually wanted to sort of work for and cared about. Um, because sort of at the end of the day, the students, the way that they react and the, and, you know, that reflects on the old teacher that there, doesn't it?
43:18 Speaker 05 I liked the teachers who see.
43:19 Speaker 04 So the ones that seemed human that were sort of like.
43:23 Speaker 05 Normal.
43:23 Speaker 04 The ones that were like, come on, don't do that.
43:25 Speaker 05 Hmm.
43:26 Speaker 04 I know it's funny. You know it's funny, but we can't, we can't do that. I was all like, sorry, sir, sorry, miss, like, you know. So I think, um, I think she's, uh, in the right place. I think she's the makings of a, of a, of a great teacher. One, ones that will actually.
43:41 Speaker 05 Maybe laugh about it in the staff room, but then outside of the staff.
43:44 Speaker 04 Wasn't she saying that the staff room would be a bit snippy about it?
43:46 Speaker 05 Yeah, but I think she can still. I mean, can this, should the lab be going around the school with?
43:51 Speaker 04 No.
43:51 Speaker 05 The cock and balls on you. I don't think he really can, because I mean, also, I, I, I don't know whether this is plausible, but would it encourage others? Do you know what I mean? Um, uh, cause after a while, if, if like fifty percent of your boys have got cock and balls in there, uh, then that is going to start affecting Ofsted, I would have thought. Like, that's not, they do, they probably look for that sort of thing. You might go down from outstanding to good. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, is it outstanding school? It's good, but the twenty percent of the boys have cock and balls shaved in their head. So.
44:17 Speaker 05 Questionable haircuts, yeah. Yeah. So that would take you down, I think. I don't, I don't know what they look for in Ofsted, but they, that they might. I think it is now. They might look for that, mightn't they? Yeah, they, they might look for that.
44:27 Speaker 02 I think James Dunst, but though Chloe, you should just carry on being that cool teacher. Be a bit like, hey, look, it's funny.
44:33 Speaker 05 Yeah. It's funny, but I.
44:34 Speaker 04 I think you reach, reach kids better. I think you do if you sort of.
44:38 Speaker 02 I agree.
44:39 Speaker 04 Be relatable.
44:40 Speaker 05 I think be relatable. I, I also think, I don't think he can be going around school with, I just, it does. It's a big distraction.
44:47 Speaker 04 I used to have insane teachers. I used to have one teacher that used to, he, he, he would really get off on telling kids off.
44:55 Speaker 05 Yeah.
44:56 Speaker 04 And, uh, but he would do things, like kids are gonna.
44:58 Speaker 05 Very slow sentence.
44:59 Speaker 04 No, um, take that however you want, but you can, you, you know, you get, kids are gonna be kids, right? They're gonna muck about when they're at school. If you catch them, fair game. You know, if they're doing something a bit naughty in front of you, you go, come on. Sort it out, detention, whatever. He used to, you, you used to be able to see him like pop his head around corners and stuff like that. He used to try and catch children doing something out like out of the ordinary or whatever. He, there was, I don't know if this is true, but the story was at my school. That he want, he wanted to try and catch some kids that left school premises on, at break time.
45:40 Speaker 04 Uh, and he hid under a lorry and got stuck and the kids ran away.
45:50 Speaker 05 Under a lorry?
45:50 Speaker 04 Yeah, he, he crawled under a lorry to try and catch these kids out. Um, I don't know if that's true.
45:58 Speaker 05 I mean.
45:58 Speaker 04 But it made sense with the type of person that he was.
46:02 Speaker 05 We used to get told off at our school for things that I don't really even think were particularly bad. Like there was, um, we were told not to walk around town. Their phrase was swinging a can, which is a can of coke.
46:16 Speaker 04 Right.
46:17 Speaker 05 Like, don't walk around town swinging a can. And also don't stand outside the school talking to the girls.
46:22 Speaker 04 Hmm.
46:22 Speaker 05 Or like, don't talk to the girls. You're like, well.
46:25 Speaker 04 Use it a boys' school.
46:26 Speaker 05 I made it a boys' school.
46:28 Speaker 03 Wasn't a problem for me.
46:29 Speaker 05 But, well, it wasn't a problem for me either because I was terrified of talking to the girls. But like, I kind of thought, well, this is, I feel like now, it wouldn't, nowadays, that's exactly the kind of thing we're trying to like, you know, encourage, like actually get boys and girls to talk to each other, rather than the boys just looking at pornography, like, but not, not in our case, not allowed to talk to the girls.
46:47 Speaker 03 But attitudes have changed.
46:49 Speaker 05 I would have thought that now that they'd be more in favour of that, but we weren't.
46:52 Speaker 03 No.
46:53 Speaker 05 Yeah. All right. Let's do another one. What have we got?
46:56 Speaker 03 This is from Caitlin. Hello, William and Jordan. I'm a long time listener, but first time writer who has enjoyed the podcast for many years. My dilemma is regarding house guests, a phenomenon which William may be unfamiliar with, but I'm hoping he can advise nonetheless. That's rude.
47:09 Speaker 02 You don't like, William doesn't like people staying over.
47:11 Speaker 05 No, I do.
47:12 Speaker 04 I don't like staying over.
47:13 Speaker 05 I didn't have a guest bed for a bit, but you don't like staying at other people's houses?
47:17 Speaker 04 No.
47:17 Speaker 05 Well, fair enough.
47:18 Speaker 04 Ever since I was a kid, I was like, I've got my own bed and I like sleeping there and it's comfy and nowhere I'm at.
47:24 Speaker 03 Caitlin continues, I live in a city around an hour away from where I grew up, the home of the world famous black pudding. I'm sure Jordan knows where it is, Bury. Due to this, when family members come to see me, they often stay at my house. Now, this doesn't pose an issue as we have two spare rooms plus a dedicated executive guest bathroom.
47:40 Speaker 02 Oh, executive. In Bury, someone's doing well.
47:43 Speaker 03 My dilemma comes as the guest bathroom is home to the only bath in the house. Now, I love a bath, especially when it includes some lady petrol. Uh.
47:51 Speaker 02 Seco.
47:51 Speaker 03 And it's where I will usually spend my bliss hours. It is a place of relaxation for me, however, two separate family members have asked to use the bath whilst they're staying with us. Not wanting to be an inhospitable host, I have always agreed. However, I then find myself unable to move past the image of them stewing in my happy place in all their glory. There is something about the image that burns in my brain and I find myself having to scrub the bath with bleach and disinfect several times before I can bathe again. So my dilemma is this, is it bad etiquette to request that guests don't use the bath whilst staying? Or do I need to get over it and continue my bleaching routine? Thank you, Caitlin. You absolutely need to get over it, you weirdo.
48:24 Speaker 02 Is it bad? Yeah, I've used many people's baths.
48:27 Speaker 05 Yeah.
48:28 Speaker 02 Bath.
48:29 Speaker 05 I mean, I've heard somebody say like, I can't stay in hotels because I just think of.
48:34 Speaker 04 This is what I was gonna say, it's a bit of a rabbit hole.
48:36 Speaker 05 All the people who have slept in that bed and you're like, well, yeah.
48:38 Speaker 04 I've been there in hotels and stuff and I go, imagine what's gone on in this bed and I'm about to sleep in it.
48:45 Speaker 02 But they wash it and it's all.
48:46 Speaker 04 And I think. I know, so you have to, you have to let it go, otherwise you will drive yourself insane.
48:50 Speaker 02 Yeah.
48:51 Speaker 05 Yeah.
48:51 Speaker 04 So it's, I would say the same to this lady.
48:54 Speaker 02 They hoover those beds often, they've got to. So that, my aunt used to be a hotel cleaner.
48:59 Speaker 05 I had to do more than.
49:00 Speaker 02 Not even in a posh one and they, they proper have to like clean them. Some are a bit mucky.
49:04 Speaker 05 And well, is the bath in the guest bed?
49:06 Speaker 04 Yeah, in the guest bathroom, they can use.
49:08 Speaker 05 So she's, she's got a bath in the guest bathroom?
49:10 Speaker 04 And she doesn't want guests to use it?
49:11 Speaker 05 And doesn't want guests to use the bath, I don't know about that.
49:13 Speaker 04 She has the audacity to say a phenomenon William may be unfamiliar with.
49:17 Speaker 05 Oh.
49:17 Speaker 02 Don't be horrible.
49:18 Speaker 05 No.
49:18 Speaker 04 I'm not being horrible, I'm being direct.
49:21 Speaker 05 I think it's almost like, yeah, once you start thinking about it, maybe it is a bit weird that other people are in your bath. But I'd suppose, yeah.
49:28 Speaker 02 Hide the plug.
49:30 Speaker 05 I wouldn't mind it at all.
49:32 Speaker 02 Yeah, Caitlin, just give it a good bleach if it freaks you out.
49:34 Speaker 04 If you wanna go a bit nuclear with it though, Caitlin, I would start making people feel uncomfortable when they stay. Just little subtle things.
49:43 Speaker 05 Ask them not to use the bath.
49:44 Speaker 04 Just subtly let them know that they're an inconvenience. And then you don't get any people staying at your house. Just little things like, just, just like, oh, if they want a cup of tea or something, just,
49:57 Speaker 04 just do that before, just little things.
50:01 Speaker 05 I don't really like to boil the kettle after six thirty.
50:03 Speaker 04 Not wanted. Don't vocalise anything. Don't ever say, I don't want you staying here. I don't want you using my bath. Just make them feel that they're not welcome.
50:12 Speaker 02 Yeah, I've got to put the hot water on.
50:13 Speaker 04 Yeah, absolutely.
50:15 Speaker 05 They ask for a cup of tea and you sign and go, anything else?
50:18 Speaker 04 Yeah, little things like that.
50:20 Speaker 02 That's good. Make them feel a little pub on the salt.
50:22 Speaker 04 Give them, give them the cold shoulder.
50:25 Speaker 05 Yeah.
50:25 Speaker 04 That's a Pilkington fact.
50:27 Speaker 05 Oh, yeah. See, if a guest wasn't wanted anymore.
50:31 Speaker 04 Yeah.
50:31 Speaker 05 They'd be given the cold.
50:33 Speaker 04 Shoulder of me.
50:35 Speaker 05 It's just definitely not true. It's just, he's scrabbling around after nothing there. But, yeah, so I'm all pub in the bar. You mentioned pubes, pub in the bath. That'd, that'd do it, I imagine.
50:43 Speaker 02 They wouldn't want a bath again.
50:44 Speaker 05 No, they'd never bathe in any bath.
50:46 Speaker 02 Hey, boys, you're good at this. Good at this advice.
50:49 Speaker 04 This is a little.
50:50 Speaker 02 We've got time for one more.
50:50 Speaker 03 We do have time for one more. This is from an anonymous listener.
50:53 Speaker 05 Oh, right, okay.
50:54 Speaker 03 Hello, boys. I work for the ambulance service and as you can imagine, we interact with a wide variety of dot, dot, dot vibrant characters. Among them, we have our frequent flyers, the regulars who call nine nine nine multiple times a day. But one of our local regulars has earned himself the permanent nickname Spiderman. Spiderman will call nine nine nine for a completely fake medical emergency. In the exact window of time between us pressing his flat buzzer and walking through his bedroom door, he manages to perfectly time masturbating to completion. The exact second you walk in, he launches his man juice straight at you like Spiderman casting a web. Generally disgusting as it is, from a purely logistical standpoint, you almost have to respect the Olympic level timing he has. Because of this, his address now has an official history marker on our dispatch system.
51:36 Speaker 03 So my question for you boys, what is the proper tactical etiquette for avoiding Spiderman's super splurge when entering a patient's property? Many thanks, anonymous.
51:45 Speaker 04 Right. Well, first of all, you've got a duty, haven't you? You can't, even if they've got, even if they're flagged. The annoying thing is that you've got to keep turning up. They're used to be uh.
51:57 Speaker 05 You know, I'm ju- I know, I'm just, I'm, I'm amazed, I'm amazed by. What, no, I was just trying to think.
52:04 Speaker 03 The depravity.
52:05 Speaker 05 You know, will I ever end up like that?
52:06 Speaker 04 When I was a younger man, and I'd never did it.
52:08 Speaker 05 You have to, you don't, you have to think, could that be me?
52:10 Speaker 04 When I never did this myself, you know, when they, back in the day where you used to have one television?
52:15 Speaker 05 Yeah.
52:15 Speaker 03 Yeah.
52:16 Speaker 04 It was before wifi and laptops.
52:17 Speaker 05 Yeah.
52:18 Speaker 04 Your phone.
52:18 Speaker 05 I think I can see this.
52:19 Speaker 04 Where saucy things weren't so accessible.
52:22 Speaker 05 Uh huh.
52:24 Speaker 04 There was a thing called a danger wank.
52:26 Speaker 05 Yep. Yeah, yeah, I have heard of this.
52:29 Speaker 04 I've heard of this. So you'd get quite close to finishing whatever you were doing in the living room. Uh, and then you'd shout, mum! And you'd have from them coming down the stairs to finish off what you were doing.
52:44 Speaker 05 You know, they're, they're worried nowadays that children get bored and they don't, they're not creative anymore. And this is a good example, like we'd come up with all sorts of fun stuff.
52:52 Speaker 04 I never did it myself.
52:52 Speaker 05 Any channels.
52:53 Speaker 04 It was called a danger wank.
52:54 Speaker 02 There was so many, there was a danger wank, there was a posh wank.
52:57 Speaker 04 Posh wank with a condom, yeah.
52:59 Speaker 02 The one famously from me in between is where Jay sits and he said, all the lads did that at our school.
53:03 Speaker 05 Did they?
53:04 Speaker 04 What was that?
53:04 Speaker 03 What's this?
53:05 Speaker 02 Where you, you were at the, you sat on your hand till it goes numb.
53:08 Speaker 04 Oh, the dead hand.
53:09 Speaker 02 Yeah, so it felt like someone else.
53:11 Speaker 04 Right.
53:12 Speaker 02 Which is the best scene ever because you've got a snorkel on. You've never seen, it's the funniest, but I, I, all the lads at my school got told that. So you'd sit on your hand until it went dead for like half an hour.
53:21 Speaker 03 Do you think now they're, they're banning social media for the under sixteens, it's going to increase the rise of danger wanks? Because they've got to do something.
53:29 Speaker 05 I mean.
53:30 Speaker 04 I've got under sixteens, I've got two under sixteens in my house and I, like. You know, there wasn't, there wasn't internet and stuff and I still managed to wank quite a lot when I was a teenager.
53:44 Speaker 04 I've still got it done, I've still got it over the line. I'm not sure it's going to make a big difference, to be honest.
53:50 Speaker 05 I don't, yeah, young, I don't, young, I don't, young men didn't need any extra help, I think, that was, they're all, they're already doing well.
53:56 Speaker 02 Well, you said it encouraged creativity. You did, and your mate would say to you, wank bank?
54:01 Speaker 04 Absolutely, yes.
54:02 Speaker 05 Oh, the wank bank.
54:04 Speaker 02 So if someone's fit or attractive, you might go put that for the wank bank?
54:07 Speaker 04 Yeah.
54:08 Speaker 03 Right.
54:09 Speaker 02 Before internet, but look, I, um, to, to anonymous, like, like, like the boy said, you've got to do a, a, a, you wanked half of the rugby team half, what you had about. Um, you've got to do a, a, um, a duty.
54:21 Speaker 03 Did more than that.
54:21 Speaker 05 You've got a duty.
54:23 Speaker 02 He did, he did. In public school, it was just normal to get one of the other boys to do it.
54:29 Speaker 05 Yeah.
54:30 Speaker 04 Is that right?
54:31 Speaker 03 Ken, what were you saying?
54:34 Speaker 02 Um, so yeah, I think you've got a duty. You handled it well. Nobody has to put up with that because that is, maybe you can start wearing goggles or.
54:43 Speaker 05 I just shout, I just say, look, just, can you just finish and then I'll come in? Like, just, he knows what he's doing.
54:48 Speaker 03 Why is the ambulance service still sending them to this person?
54:51 Speaker 05 You have to, you have to, you have to, because one day they won't go.
54:53 Speaker 03 I hope it's not being prioritised.
54:55 Speaker 02 No, it won't be.
54:56 Speaker 04 I'm a bit sort of.
54:57 Speaker 05 Is the boy a cried wolf? It's almost the same.
54:59 Speaker 04 Yeah, I'm a bit of a no nonsense guy. And I would be like, if there was a genuine problem and he called 999.
55:07 Speaker 03 What? Tough.
55:08 Speaker 04 They were a bit lax turning up. I would be a bit like, serves him right.
55:12 Speaker 03 Yeah, I quite agree. Or you could, they could turn up, they could borrow one of the police service's tasers and turn up and taser him as they go through the door. He'll never do it again.
55:20 Speaker 04 I think, I think that'd be the ultimate. Yeah.
55:23 Speaker 02 I might have the same thing about.
55:25 Speaker 04 That would really get his rocks off.
55:26 Speaker 02 I know, yeah. Like a fountain. Thanks so much for listening today.
55:33 Speaker 02 If you want to get in touch with us on Help at Sex and My Boss with a dilemma or a problem, drop into our DMs or send us an email to [email protected] and give it up for our wonderful guests from Fact Up, Joe and James.
55:45 Speaker 04 Thank you, guys. Thanks for having us.
55:46 Speaker 03 Thank you.
55:47 Speaker 02 You've met a very sad teenager's dreams come true. So thank you.
55:50 Speaker 04 It was a pleasure.
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