Jocko Underground: Obsessing Over Your Spouses Past

>Join Jocko Underground< https://www.jockounderground.com/subscribe How to not obsess over your partner's past. What to do if your family does not accept your life choices. What to do when your spouse does not follow through with the important things. How to be a good student. On and off the mats. Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/jocko-podcast/exclusive-content

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jocko Willink?

  This is the Jocko Underground Podcast, number 194, sitting here with Echo Charles. We have received some questions from the UG troopers. And we have some answers, some guidance, some recommendations on courses of action for you all. Let's get into it.

• 0:16Speaker 01

  Yes, alright.

• 0:18Jocko Willink?

  As we close out the year 2025.

• 0:20Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 0:21Jocko Willink?

  Year's coming to a close.

• 0:23Speaker 01

  Having courses of action is better than not having.

• 0:25Jocko Willink?

  Oh, yeah, definitely, definitely, for sure. Let's get into it.

• 0:29Speaker 01

  Alright, first question, Jock welcome. Recently, I've been under, under a huge lot of financial stress and custody battle with having equal rights for my son, etc. In light of all this stress, doctors put me on meds again. The main issue is, I don't know if it's a result of the stress, but I've been getting really bad OCD, like compulsions questioning my partner about her past, asking when, where, and who she slept with.

• 0:57Speaker 01

  I'd need to know if I knew them, and I'm constantly digging for answers. We're a blended family, she has two kids, and I have one. But I fear these compulsive tendencies of mine will ruin what we have built. I feel like this is rotting my brain. Any advice on what kind of mindset or things a man slash leader you would do in my situation? Really appreciate the work you guys do. I'm a daily listener and got my blue belt in jujitsu this year, so thanks.

• 1:25Jocko Willink?

  Um, yeah, man.

• 1:30Jocko Willink?

  I would start off just by saying this, you do not want to be living in the past, bro. You do not want to be living in the past. You can't change what happened in the past. You can't fix what happened in the past. It doesn't really matter what happened in the past. It's like, where are you now? That's what, that's what matters. And that's what matters with where your partner is now, right?

• 1:51Jocko Willink?

  The, the, these are what's important now and the future is what's important. And that's what you need to focus on. Focus on being an awesome man, right? That means being an awesome dad. That means being an awesome worker, whatever your job is. That means being awesome at jujitsu, as awesome as you can possibly be. That means being an awesome partner with your partner.

• 2:16Jocko Willink?

  So let's focus on being on awesome on those things today. Getting a little bit better every day at these things. Cause dwelling in the past. It it it doesn't get, it doesn't give you anything, doesn't do anything beneficial for you. It gives you nothing. It will, I can't really say it gives you nothing because what it does give you is like heartache, paranoia and stress. And. Yeah, I think probably if I was to have to guess, and I'm not a psychologist. But as Echo Charles likes to say.

• 2:53Jocko Willink?

  It seems like some things are a little out of your control right now. Meaning you're in a custody battle like the court, the court does what the court does. It's very hard to control it. Um, they're going to make the decisions that they're going to make. Financial, like you can only make so much money. So there seems like there's things that are. Seem more out of control to you right now. Again, finances, lawyers, judges, custody battles, legal decisions like those things are very difficult. And you don't feel, you feel like you have limited control. Over those big things. So you're probably like searching for things that are in your world that you can control or you think you control. And you think you're getting control of things by focusing on the past.

• 3:38Jocko Willink?

  But in fact, that's not happening. In fact, what I see happening here is the past is controlling you.

• 3:44Jocko Willink?

  And we're not doing that, man. That's not a good game to play. That is not a good thing to focus on. We live in the present.

• 3:54Jocko Willink?

  We plan for the future. That's what we're doing, right? So again, I know, I know it's easier said than done, but listen. What is your, the girl that you're with right now? Like, okay, cool. She's cool right now. Good.

• 4:10Jocko Willink?

  You're cool right now? Cool. Get cooler. Like, that's what we're doing, man. Just dwelling in the past and worried about what things she's been through and who she's been with? Well, those are questions you, it doesn't, it's totally not pertinent at all to your current situation. Not pertinent at all. You can make it pertinent by freaking out about it and concentrating on it. And by the way, you know what that is? That's super insecure. And it looks insecure and it looks desperate and it looks weird and it looks jealous and it looks weak, bro. It looks weak. Don't look weak. Just be like, oh yeah, cool. You used to date guys? Cool. Yeah. You got a couple. She sounds like she's got a couple of kids. What?

• 4:51Jocko Willink?

  She has two kids? Yeah. Cool. That's awesome. Glad you had some good relationships in the past. Had these beautiful kids. Cool. That's what a man, a confident man does. A confident man's like, oh, cool. Oh, that's your ex-boyfriend over there? Oh, cool. Nice to meet you, man. Cool. Good luck. Whatever. No factor. An insecure person is like, who is it? Why did you, huh? What was that like? Well, yeah, that's just insecurity. No one likes that. Don't be that guy. Don't be insecure about it. You got her now. She's your girl, right? You guys are in a relationship now? Awesome. Be stoked on that. Be like, yeah, cool. Oh yeah. You know, I dated some other girls in my past. It sounds like you got a couple of kids too, maybe.

• 5:32Jocko Willink?

  Oh, you have one? You have one kid? Cool. What did that, was that, was that, where'd that kid come from? Oh, you had a relationship with, so you're a human being and she's a human being and that's what it is. So let's just be ultra confident and secure. That we're a good dude and it doesn't really matter who she was with in the past because you're the man now. How's that sound? Am I off base here, Echo Charles?

• 5:54Speaker 01

  No.

• 5:55Jocko Willink?

  Okay.

• 5:55Speaker 01

  I do not believe so.

• 5:57Jocko Willink?

  Right? Like, we don't want to show insecurity and being desperate and being freaked out about things in the past. You should be confident.

• 6:06Jocko Willink?

  And listen, if you lack confidence, don't show it. How's that? Am I being, uh, what's the word, duplicitous? Am I being, am I being too fazed? Oh, I feel bad about it, but I'm not, I'm going to acting a different way. Yes, I'm telling you to do that. I'm telling you, do not act insecure and like worried about this stuff in the past. No, I'm telling you, do not act that way. I'm telling you to act, be like, oh, cool. You had relationships in the past. That's, that's cool. Yeah. I'm glad you, you know, glad, glad whatever got you to be here, this cool chick that I'm with right now. Awesome. I like it. What do you want for dinner?

• 6:43Jocko Willink?

  You see what I'm saying? Gosh, it's, people get wrapped up in this stuff, man. Looks bad, feels bad. Fake it. Fake it. Pretend, if you have to, that you're like, oh, cool. You used to date other guys? I don't really care. Because you're with me now. That's the important thing. Got a couple of cool kids. That's cool. I got my kid. We're kind of like putting our own little system together. Got a little fam going. That's what I'm concerned about.

• 7:12Jocko Willink?

  Be that guy. Be that guy.

• 7:16Jocko Willink?

  Move forward. Don't dwell. Get after it. It's my, it's my assessment.

• 7:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, it feels like he's the one bringing it up too. So it's like, bro, you're, you're expending more energy, like doing the wrong thing, you know, kind of a thing. Just don't bring it up, which is exactly what you're saying, in my opinion. Like, yeah, even, look, I get it, bro. You have internal feelings like everybody else. I get it. But Brad, you gotta, you gotta develop that barrier, bro, that filter of like, I understand you're gonna feel. But the difference between what you feel and how you behave, bro, you gotta, you gotta make some, you know, put up, put up some boundaries.

• 7:49Jocko Willink?

  Make some decisions about how you're gonna be.

• 7:51Speaker 01

  Yeah. So that, and that was, that was, I'm gonna,

• 7:55Speaker 01

  I'm gonna invoke this little mantra again. What, uh, you gotta.

• 8:01Speaker 01

  You gotta decide what outcome do you want? You know, it's gonna have a lot to do with like, how do you want to be perceived? How you say, like, who do you want to be? This has to be like part of who you are now, you know? So you have to understand and why and identify what do you want the outcome to be? And then obviously, these two issues that he brought up, which is the custody and the stress part of it. So the custody, um, you know, the stress of X, Y, Z. What do you want the outcome to be? And then behave towards that outcome. Same thing with your, uh, partner that you obviously built something, got a blended family, cool, sweet. What do you want the outcome to be? And if you can really understand that, all this other stuff is gonna be easy or simple. You know, you're gonna know what not to do. Cause if you want the outcome to be positive and strong and secure and stuff like that, basically a thing that we all want.

• 8:44Speaker 01

  You want that to be the outcome and you're conscious of it? Bro, you're not gonna be busting out these, who are you with? How many guys were you with before me? All this stuff, you just won't do that. See what I'm saying? And then you just sort of become the person who is like that. Carry on, bro.

• 8:58Jocko Willink?

  There we go.

• 8:59Speaker 01

  Next question. Hello, Joe. I thank you and Echo for the time and the podcast. I'm a naval officer. Thanks to your podcast. How do I keep my peace while also maintaining my relationship with family who cannot accept my choices? Thank you. I'm assuming it's choices to join the military.

• 9:17Jocko Willink?

  Well, I have no idea what to assume these two. There's a lot of context around a question like this that's not here. Because what kind of choices is this dude making?

• 9:26Speaker 01

  Right, right, right.

• 9:29Jocko Willink?

  So that is a little excerpt of what we are doing on the Jocko Underground Podcast. So if you want to continue to listen, go to jacood underground.com and subscribe. And we're doing this, we're doing this to mitigate our reliance on external platforms. So we are not subject to their control. And we're doing this so that we can support the Jocko Podcast, which will remain as is free for all, as long as we can keep it that way. But we, but we are doing this so we don't have to be under the control of sponsors. And we're doing it so we can give you.

• 10:10Jocko Willink?

  More control, more interaction, more direct connections, better communications with us. And to do that, we are, we're building a website right now where we'll be able to utilize to strengthen this legion of troopers that are in the game with us. So, thank you. It's jockounderground.com. It costs $8.18 a month. And if you can't afford to support us, we can still support you. Just email [email protected] and we'll get you taken care of. Until then, we will see you mobilized underground.