Pod Insights IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson “Success” Looks Different for Every Family with Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach About this episode Author Glennon Doyle and superstar soccer legend Abby Wambach sit down to give advice about what an IMO listener should prioritize while figuring out where to move her young family. Glennon shares why she moved her family seven times, and, as the “bonus parent,” Abby discusses what she thinks is most important to their kids’ and family’s happiness (hint: It’s not unlimited cake-pops, though she’s tried). Craig and Michelle discuss their own stories of uprooting families for careers—including a very strange move to a big house in Washington, DC.
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Transcript 12,777 words · 7 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Craig Robinson? Would we be changing our answer if it wasn't New York?
0:05 Michelle Obama? Well, I I'm biased. I think New York is just a hard place to live. I don't, you know, no offense to New Yorkers, but man, yeah, you know, I mean, I just, when I'm in New York and I see people with strollers and little kids, I just think it's dirty down there. Pick them up. Pick them up away from the dirt.
0:32 Michelle Obama? This episode is brought to you by Rivian and Pine Sol.
0:38 Craig Robinson? I am so excited to be here.
0:41 Michelle Obama? So.
0:43 Craig Robinson? Very excited.
0:45 Michelle Obama? It's good to see you.
0:46 Craig Robinson? It's good to be seen.
0:47 Michelle Obama? Yeah, yeah. What's been going on with you?
0:50 Craig Robinson? Well, got a high schooler again.
0:53 Michelle Obama? Oh, yeah, yeah. Round two, round two.
0:56 Craig Robinson? Austin's going into high school.
0:58 Michelle Obama? Is he gonna be playing basketball?
1:01 Craig Robinson? He's properly worried about making junior varsity, which is good.
1:08 Michelle Obama? Okay.
1:08 Craig Robinson? Because most kids who are freshmen think they should be playing in the NBA. And he doesn't feel that way, so I'm happy about that.
1:16 Michelle Obama? Okay.
1:17 Craig Robinson? But he is, um, he's got just enough confidence. But that's because he puts in the work. He, you know, Austin's a worker.
1:25 Michelle Obama? Yeah, yeah.
1:25 Craig Robinson? Aaron just shows up game.
1:29 Michelle Obama? Well, your two are pretty exceptional.
1:31 Craig Robinson? I appreciate you saying that. And speaking of exceptional, Malia and Sasha at the wedding.
1:36 Michelle Obama? Your oldest wedding, yeah. We had, they, they came to the wedding. We did not.
1:40 Craig Robinson? It was so nice having them around. And, and you know, we, we stayed in an Airbnb. They stayed at a hotel, but because we had the Airbnb and plenty of room, they were at our place almost entirely the whole time. So it was real, really fun for all the kids, all the cousins to hang out together.
1:57 Michelle Obama? Great cousin time. I mean, you know, the four of them together, plus the two little ones. There's nothing like it.
2:05 Craig Robinson? And the two little ones think that they are in their twenties with, with Malia and Sasha, with the big crew kids.
2:11 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
2:13 Craig Robinson? You know, I had to tell them, just settle down.
2:15 Michelle Obama? Great, great. Well, I I'm I'm excited for the kids' next journey. This is gonna be a big year.
2:22 Craig Robinson? Yeah.
2:23 Michelle Obama? But I think they're gonna do okay.
2:24 Craig Robinson? Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm gonna segue to the our question. We have a great question from one of our listeners, talking about family and what to do, where to live, and kind of the stuff that we've had to deal with in in our family.
2:42 Michelle Obama? Absolutely.
2:43 Craig Robinson? On a couple of different occasions. But we have a great, I'm so excited.
2:48 Michelle Obama? I am too.
2:49 Craig Robinson? We have.
2:49 Michelle Obama? I know. We've got some good guests today.
2:52 Craig Robinson? Good guests to help with with with this question. First off, we've got Glennon Doyle, who's the author of number one New York Times bestseller, Untamed, which has sold more than 3 million copies. And I'm reading this to you. You know these people.
3:09 Michelle Obama? Yeah, yeah.
3:11 Craig Robinson? And she's joined by her partner, Abby Wambach, who's a two-time Olympic gold medalist. Now you can see why I'm holding back on the sports.
3:18 Michelle Obama? Settle down, settle down.
3:19 Craig Robinson? FIFA World Cup champion and six-time winner of the US Soccer Athlete of the Year Award. And I'm just gonna stop right there. You know how hard it is to be an athlete of the year one time?
3:33 Michelle Obama? I don't know, because I've never been athlete of the year. So I assume it's big. That's a rare thing.
3:38 Craig Robinson? Yeah, it is rare. It is rare. She's also an activist for equality and inclusion and the author of a number one New York Times bestseller. Imagine that.
3:48 Michelle Obama? Powerhouse couple.
3:49 Craig Robinson? Just you know something about that.
3:52 Craig Robinson? Her her book is entitled Wolf Pack. And together Glennon and Abby co-host the beloved chart-topping We Can Do Hard Things podcast. Welcome, Glennon and Abby.
4:05 Michelle Obama? Come on down. Yay.
4:09 Craig Robinson? It's so good to see you.
4:11 Michelle Obama? Guys.
4:12 Craig Robinson? Guys.
4:14 Craig Robinson? Have a seat.
4:15 Michelle Obama? Welcome, welcome, welcome. Thank you, guys, for being here. I mean, Craig, he doesn't really know how amazing, really amazing you guys are.
4:24 Craig Robinson? I do. I did my homework.
4:25 Michelle Obama? No, you don't know like I know. But I had the pleasure of talking to you guys sadly on Zoom. And it was amazing. I was like, right after our Zoom conversation, I was like, I want to be with them. So here we are. Here we are. You know, we got my big brother here, but we're doing some talking about things, sharing ideas. And you two were at the top of my list. So I am so grateful that you have come to Martha's Vineyard, taking time off of your busy schedules. And I'm glad that we're in the same room. Because it really is a different kind of thing. So, so thank you. Thank you both.
5:05 Speaker 02 Thank you for having us. That's an honor. Really an honor, really special. And I think it's so special you're choosing to do this together.
5:12 Michelle Obama? With my brother. Yeah. Yeah, we'll see how long it lasts.
5:14 Speaker 02 How's it going so far? Is it going okay?
5:16 Craig Robinson? Like, she's looking at the side of my head, wondering, what is he talking about?
5:22 Michelle Obama? But it is fun. This is our first joint project, really, I mean, ever in our lives. That it's been just you and me.
5:31 Craig Robinson? Yeah.
5:31 Michelle Obama? You know, but we're glad to have you guys here. And we've got a really fun, not fun, but you know, a question that is kind of familiar to all of us.
5:42 Craig Robinson? Yeah.
5:42 Michelle Obama? We've all sort of dealt with this as, as parents and, you know, good natured people trying to figure out what's the best thing to do for family and kids.
5:51 Craig Robinson? Yeah, and we've got a question from a listener named Shira. Let's take a listen.
5:55 Speaker 03 Hi, Michelle and Craig. My name is Shira and I'm 43 years old. My husband and I have lived in New York City for many years, but after having two children in the last five years, we decided to move to rural Maine for more space and more affordable living. However, now that we've been here for a couple of years, it no longer seems like the right choice. We're isolated from a large network of friends or any family, and there aren't as many career opportunities for our professions. I have my own handbag company and my husband is a film editor. On one hand, moving back to New York City doesn't feel like a long-term solution. I want to provide an anchored home base for my children, and the city doesn't really feel sustainable, especially without affordable childcare. On the other hand, there isn't really any other city
6:40 Speaker 03 that offers a surefire support system for our kids' care. Our parents are in Massachusetts and California, and they're aging, and their siblings' families are just too busy. And there still isn't a better place for our joint careers other than New York. Given that there isn't one perfect city or one obvious reason to move anywhere, what should we prioritize when deciding when we have limited financial resources to draw from, but life is too expensive in the city where we can make the most money? What guiding principles should we use when deciding where to set up our family for the greatest ability and success? Thanks, Shira.
7:15 Michelle Obama? Okay.
7:16 Craig Robinson? So a lot of meat on the bones here.
7:18 Michelle Obama? Yeah. A lot of meat, but it's...
7:19 Craig Robinson? Gang.
7:20 Michelle Obama? This is a great question because I feel like I talk about this all the time. Not so much in my personal life, but we have young staff, and many of them are starting to marry and build their families. And this is something that everyone is grappling with, especially in this day and age where people are so transient, you know, and there are so many options and opportunities. I mean, gone were the days when you grew up in the neighborhood that you were raised in, bought a house down the street from your mom, went to the school around the corner, and spent your life in one neighborhood. We're now all over the place. And so what does that mean for families? And how do you make decisions?
8:02 Michelle Obama? I mean, I literally talk about this a couple of times a month with young people who are trying to figure out how to build a life. So it's one of the reasons why I was excited about this because I know there are a lot of people who are grappling with this. But Barack and I have talked about this because he sent us an article. It talked about the... how unusual the concept of the nuclear family is. I don't know if you guys read that article. We didn't. But it's like... That is a concept, the concept of two parents and children building their lives together is a relatively new concept to this generation.
8:46 Michelle Obama? That it isn't really how we were designed to be because we're kind of pack animals. We live in community in ways that I think are more foreign to couples now because a lot of young couples are thinking about, how do I make it on my own? I moved away, I don't have support, and so now I'm trying to do all this stuff, have a family, find childcare, and everybody is trying to do this alone. And that's just a recent occurrence. So I wonder whether we've sort of lost our direction in terms of what we should be looking for, but I'd be interested in how you guys have thought about it.
9:27 Speaker 02 I mean, it's interesting because this question, whether we've admitted it or not, has kind of been swirling around our family from the beginning of time, even before I met Glennon. Do you want to tell the story of Chase and the plants?
9:43 Speaker 04 Yeah, so we have, our oldest is now in college, but became in high school obsessed with plants. So he, his whole room was, there was 30 plants in there. We called them our grand plants. It was exhausting. I didn't ever, I always had to be on guard when he was, had a sleepover and...
9:59 Speaker 02 Well, when did he, how did he get into plants? That's very...
10:02 Speaker 04 We don't really know. He's an interesting kid. Yeah, but just covering, just a jungle. And there was this one plant that...
10:08 Speaker 02 There was like 50 plants in his room.
10:09 Speaker 04 The vines were all the way across the wall and he had like tacks guiding the... So at one point I said, you know, what's the deal? Where did this come from? And especially this one with the wall. And he said, I think I just really like to be able to see the passage of time and roots because we've moved so many times that I don't have that.
10:33 Michelle Obama? Wow. Ooh. Shank. Twist. Pull out.
10:39 Speaker 04 It has not stopped. That was three or four years ago. And that has been, we did, we moved all the time. And we moved for money reasons. I was teaching and we couldn't afford our area. Then we moved close to my parents for the support. Then we thought, like, a lot of people have this experience where you love your parents and you think they're wonderful and you also kind of revert to a version of yourself when you're around your parents that you don't want to be the version of yourself that's raising your kids.
11:09 Michelle Obama? Right, right.
11:10 Speaker 04 So I moved away from there and then in seven or eight moves. And now we're in a situation where our kids don't, you know, our kid comes home from college, but it's not home.
11:24 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
11:25 Speaker 04 It's a nice place.
11:26 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
11:27 Speaker 04 But his friends aren't there. So I just love that they're thinking about this because I think what happened to me, I did a little of the Goldilocks situation. This place is too this, not enough that.
11:38 Michelle Obama? Right, right.
11:39 Speaker 04 But I think I just ran out of time. I think I just kept thinking, I'm gonna find the place.
11:44 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
11:45 Speaker 04 And then, so now they have a lot of, of, of wings.
11:48 Michelle Obama? Mm hmm.
11:49 Speaker 04 But they don't have.
11:50 Michelle Obama? The roots.
11:51 Speaker 04 The roots.
11:52 Michelle Obama? Mm hmm. Yeah, yeah.
11:54 Speaker 04 Yeah, so I don't know. It's just something we think about all the time right now, like, what do you need in a place? And I like that she said there's nowhere perfect because there is nowhere perfect.
12:03 Craig Robinson? Yeah.
12:04 Speaker 02 When the kids are younger, you're a different kind of person in a parent.
12:08 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
12:09 Speaker 02 Than when they're a little bit older, getting into their teenage years and becoming young adults. And so their needs change.
12:14 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
12:15 Speaker 02 And we've been talking a lot about this because we're getting to the point where our youngest is about to go to college, empty nesters. And, and we're wondering, oh, are we building a life so that they keep coming back to? Or are we building a life that we want to live?
12:31 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
12:31 Speaker 02 In? And I think it's probably gonna be a mixture of both, but the truth is, they're not gonna come back very often as time continues to go on. So we have to figure out a world in which we want to live in.
12:43 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
12:43 Speaker 02 With each other.
12:44 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
12:45 Speaker 02 That maybe when they pop in, it's good. This is such an interesting question because there's work involved. Work versus family.
12:52 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
12:52 Speaker 02 Where can you do the both?
12:54 Craig Robinson? And, and I, I think there is a level to the work part that we're, we're not talking about because gone are the days when you can get a job and end up somewhere for 30 years and get the gold watch and the party, retirement party at the end. What I always feel like is we're training our kids to not.
13:17 Craig Robinson? Be so sedentary where they are, oh, my gosh, I just got let go from a job and I can't operate.
13:25 Michelle Obama? That's right.
13:25 Craig Robinson? Because that's going to be more the rule than the exception.
13:29 Michelle Obama? That's right.
13:30 Craig Robinson? I get that feeling because being a coach, we've had to move every time there's a job opportunity or a firing, you have to move. And I always put it off as, oh, this is good for the kids.
13:44 Michelle Obama? I do, too.
13:45 Craig Robinson? But it's not necessarily always that way. It may be, I know it's good for the family, but it may not be good for the kids. And it begs the question is how important is community for these young people?
13:58 Michelle Obama? Yeah. The biggest worry that I had when Barack was elected, it wasn't the difficulty of the job. It wasn't the strain or the hardship or the, you know, the threats or all the things you might imagine. I worried about my girls. I worried about moving them out of what was the only community and home they had ever known, where my brother was down the street and my mom was picking them up from school. I mean, we had a really wonderful life in Chicago. And I thought, I'm, I'm going to do the worst thing to these kids. And they were seven and 10, second grade and fifth grade. I'm going to pluck them out in the middle of the school year,
14:43 Michelle Obama? mind you, because the presidency doesn't work for families. You know, it's like all the timing of it is really stupid. So while we're transitioning, you know, trying to hire staff and come up with the initiatives and Barack is, you know, building his cabinet, I'm thinking, I gotta get these kids in a school where they're not going to just be any kids. They're going to be kids with Secret Service. You know, I just couldn't wrap my arms around of course, how to make this feel good for them. But the, the long story short is that they did way better than I thought. I mean, they transitioned better than I was transitioning.
15:33 Craig Robinson? So this summer, we had a wonderful occasion happen in our family. It was our eldest son's wedding. The resort we stayed at had about 500 homes and we were able to Airbnb one of the homes there. And it was a guest favorite home. And what that is, is that's one of a collection of 2 million homes that are the most loved in the Airbnb collection, based on ratings, reviews, and reliability. And our son, yes, the one who is getting married, wanted to make a cake as a tribute to my mom, his grandma, who had just passed away. And I get choked up when I think about it, the fact that he wanted to do that.
16:16 Craig Robinson? Well, not only did he want to make it, he wanted his little brothers, who are 14 and 12, to help him make it. And our daughter, who's 28, was sort of supervising the whole thing. And we're sitting there watching. All I could see was disaster happening. And the cake turned out beautifully. Our son Avery wanted it to be at the reception. So we get to the reception where there's a table of desserts, these beautiful, well catered desserts. And in the middle are two gigantic red velvet cakes that look like a 12-year-old made them. There was icing everywhere. There was coconut not quite on each piece. But the good news was that every single piece of that cake was gone.
16:59 Craig Robinson? And I'm here to tell you, it was a delicious cake and a real tribute to my mom. It turned out to be a wonderful opportunity for, for all of us to be together, share some time together, and celebrate our son's wedding. This episode of IMO is brought to you by Theraplu. Hey, it's Craig Robinson here. And let me tell you, being sick is no joke. But you know what's even tougher? Feeling like you can't take the time to rest and recover because you've got bills to pay or a job to keep. You know, being a coach, even though I was afforded paid sick time, it was the type of job that you really try and muscle through for your team.
17:43 Craig Robinson? And I have done that. It made me realize, though, that it is tough for folks who don't have the benefit of paid sick time. It's not only tough on the individual and their families, it's also tough on your coworkers. Maybe you, like so many Americans, have felt that stress too, wondering what your boss will think, or if your paycheck will take a hit. That's why I'm proud to talk about what Theraplu is doing with their Right to Rest and Recover campaign. For the past four years, they've been championing the right to paid sick time for everyone. I love that Theraplu is making this a priority. Learn more or help someone apply for the fund
18:26 Craig Robinson? at theraplu.com/righttorecover.
18:36 Michelle Obama? And it was interesting because Barack wasn't worried about it because he was more of a transient kid, you know? His mom was an anthropologist and traveled the world. And, you know, he was born and raised in Hawaii, but spent time in Indonesia. His mom was in, she wasn't there, he didn't know his father. He grew up with more instability in that sense. And thought, moving is not a big deal, you know? They're seven and 10. We didn't move at all. My mother, when she left the White House, she moved back into the home that we grew up in. So that's how sort of steady and stable and secure we were.
19:18 Michelle Obama? And I was terrified that this was gonna ruin them.
19:22 Craig Robinson? You were.
19:23 Michelle Obama? I really could barely focus until, it wasn't until I got the final, you know, when the kids get invited to their first playdate and it feels like a real friend. Yes. And, you know, that wasn't until March where I felt like... Okay, I can breathe. I mean, forget about everything else that was happening and the attacks and the, all the politics. Knowing that they were settled and were gonna be okay, that was the biggest relief that I had. But I say all that to say that they turned out okay.
19:56 Speaker 04 Uh huh.
19:56 Michelle Obama? Because kids are way more resilient, I think, than we give them credit for. And even if your father is president of the United States and you live in the Strange Museum and you have men with guns following you around all the time, if you're grounded, you know, if you have that place of assurance somewhere, then that kind of gets you through.
20:21 Speaker 04 Yeah.
20:21 Michelle Obama? And strangely, that has me arguing to Shira that, as you were saying, Abby, figure out the life you need to live.
20:31 Speaker 04 Yeah.
20:31 Michelle Obama? You know, because kids, they're gonna be gone.
20:34 Speaker 04 Uh huh.
20:35 Michelle Obama? And these years are just a blip on the screen in their lives, if, assuming that they're young, and they, they do better than you expect if you're okay with it.
20:46 Speaker 04 If you're okay.
20:47 Michelle Obama? You know?
20:48 Speaker 04 If you're okay. Yeah, because the stability, the stability, the home that our kids have always had is us.
20:55 Michelle Obama? Uh huh.
20:56 Speaker 04 Right? It's, it's, that is the guiding principle is, I see you. I'm letting you reveal yourself forever.
21:05 Michelle Obama? Hmm.
21:05 Speaker 04 And I'm here. And that's not geographical, right?
21:08 Michelle Obama? Right.
21:10 Speaker 04 But I do think, sometimes when I think back, and I don't beat myself up about it, I did the best I could, but I, right when I was freshly sober.
21:18 Michelle Obama? Uh huh.
21:19 Speaker 04 I was just growing up.
21:20 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
21:21 Speaker 04 I was growing up, and could I do it over again? I would have found a way, I think, to been doing work on myself as I was going along.
21:30 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
21:30 Speaker 04 Like, I think that's what I would say to a new parent. I don't know what the answer is geographically.
21:35 Michelle Obama? Uh huh.
21:36 Speaker 04 But I think if I had had some sort of accountability partner, I know that nobody can afford therapy, it's awful, like.
21:41 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
21:41 Speaker 04 But somebody who may have said to me, "You seem to be moving every 18 months."
21:46 Michelle Obama? Right.
21:47 Speaker 04 It's like, "Is it possible there's something going on with you?"
21:50 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
21:51 Speaker 04 That, that feels like the life for yourself and being right with yourself then flows out to the babies who are just looking at you, really.
22:00 Michelle Obama? Yeah, yeah.
22:01 Speaker 02 I also think that there's something inside of Shira's question that has a desire for structure. And when we have the conversations around families, children, and all of the stuff that I know Shira knows about, and a business that she's running, and her husband, and dealing with it, it is nice to feel as though that there is some sort of structure in place in our lives.
22:31 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
22:32 Speaker 02 But there just isn't.
22:35 Speaker 02 Like, we're all just making it up.
22:37 Michelle Obama? Yep.
22:38 Speaker 02 All of us.
22:39 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
22:39 Speaker 02 And because our parents did it in a vastly different way than than most of us are doing it now, my parents are still in the same house that I was born in. For me, it's like, I do like, structure liberates me in a way, to be like, held to also be free within it. But also, as these children grow up, and as you grow up, like, when we become adults, I think people just assume at 25 that we're now adults forever. Like, my 35-year-old self was very different than my 25. My 45-year-old self is gonna be very different than 35.
23:16 Speaker 04 Next Wednesday, I'm gonna be different.
23:18 Speaker 02 We're all still growing up and trying to figure out, because the world is so different.
23:23 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
23:23 Speaker 02 And so be easy on yourself, Shira, and and know that, yes, it feels good to have some structure, but also there has to be a fluidity in the creating of these philosophies or priorities when trying to decide what is most important here. Is it work? Is it marriage? Is it kids? Is it, you know, support systems around you?
23:47 Michelle Obama? This whole notion of growing up, it never happens. I was just having this conversation with Malia, our oldest, who is now... How old is Malia? She's... She's 26 because she doesn't have insurance now. Oh, there we go. We were rushing. She was like Obamacare. Thanks. It's like, yeah, thank your dad. Thank your dad. But she just turned 26. But it's so, so they live on their own. They live in LA. She's writing, directing, doing her thing. And it is so funny when she goes, is this it? Am I an adult now? And I'm like, you know, this is kind of what life is. You know, she's like, but I don't feel like I know anything more than I did three years ago.
24:32 Michelle Obama? And it's like, yeah, and you're, you're going to feel that way at 35 and 45. I mean, there isn't a time when you reach adulthood and you go, I'm an adult. Yeah. I'm 60 and I'm still waiting to grow up.
24:43 Craig Robinson? And wait till you have a kid. You won't know what's going on again.
24:46 Michelle Obama? That's right. That's a whole new sense of. But I think you make a good point about, you know, we've got to be easier on ourselves in terms of how we define life. You know, in this question is this notion that there's a right way to do this. And if you've lived it, you know, there isn't an answer. There isn't a one way that a family looks. And that's not where the happiness comes from, that you're following some straight, narrow definition of what it means to be a family, whether it's geographically or economically or what have you. And that's a beautiful lesson for kids to learn early, you know? That home is wherever you make it.
25:27 Michelle Obama? I mean, I think that's what I learned after our eight years in the White House, is that home is wherever we are. Yes. You know, we will build the home from within. The external factors are just the nature of life and life changes. Yes. And things happen.
25:48 Craig Robinson? It's really interesting that Mish says that it came to her later. Because I always felt that. And I'll tell you when I really felt it. I grew up on the South Side, but I played basketball on the West Side, which is.
26:07 Michelle Obama? In Chicago, it's like being in another.
26:09 Craig Robinson? It's like being in another country. It was a rougher area as far as I could tell. But I came to find out that the guys from the West Side thought the South Side was harder.
26:18 Michelle Obama? Oh, interesting.
26:20 Craig Robinson? But my dad worked a swing shift.
26:24 Craig Robinson? And when he could, he would come to practice. He was the only parent there.
26:30 Craig Robinson? And when one of the kids from the other team said, "Man, you must really love it that your dad comes to practice." In the meantime, I was hating the fact that he was the only dad there. And it was at that point that I realized that my family was special.
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30:51 Craig Robinson? It was at that point I realized wherever my family is, I could feel home. And when I think about Shira's question, I would hope that she would get from us here today that it doesn't matter where you live.
31:06 Speaker 04 Right, it doesn't.
31:08 Craig Robinson? And the point I want to get to is that Shira and her husband have to be more empathetic to themselves. I think they're being hard on themselves and understanding that, hey, it's up to you too. And you may not know what the answers are. You may not know. But just love those kids, love your community, get involved, and have your parents come visit when they can come visit.
31:35 Michelle Obama? Yeah. But I think people have to be careful not to parent out of guilt.
31:42 Speaker 04 That's right.
31:43 Michelle Obama? And what I worry about, or I would caution Shira, is to, when you do make that choice, whatever the choice is, don't parent them like you've hurt their feelings. You know? Because sometimes people over... They overcompensate for choices that they feel bad about. That's the disservice to kids. It's not moving them. It's not that they can't see their grandmother, or they, you know, live in a city or an apartment, or don't have a yard. Kids respond to their situations based on how you act.
32:17 Speaker 04 That's right.
32:18 Michelle Obama? You know? I mean, Barack was president of the United States, and I could have felt sorry for my girls, right? It's like, oh, my God, you know? Look what we did to you. And I sort of went the opposite direction. It's like, this isn't about you. We just happen to live in this house. It's your father's job. Every father has a job, you know? So just get on with it. Yep, you got Secret Service. I'm not gonna pour thing you to death. It's odd, but it's what you have. And I think, parents, we have to be careful not to push our guilt into our parenting. Because that can mess your kid up.
32:56 Speaker 04 Yeah. I got divorced when my middle one was seven? She's seven? She was 10. Your middle was 10. Whatever, I never know how old.
33:05 Michelle Obama? Yeah, I know, I'm like that. I barely remembered how old Malia was today.
33:08 Speaker 04 Oh, my goodness. She's 18 now. Every once in a while, she'll be like, I'm like your room. She's like, oh, it's just the divorce.
33:17 Speaker 04 Like, you know what? You just really do have to, like, it's hard. Yes, you do have to move them along.
33:24 Speaker 02 That just makes me think of, this might be a side tangent, but as a stepparent, we call it bonus parent. I have often wondered, and Glennon's been such a wonderful leader in our family in this way, and helping me learn how to parent, because I became an Insta mom. Like, that. In fact, one of the times, we were going through a drive-through, and they wanted a cake pop. And I said, yes, this is great. I'm gonna get cake pops. And, and they said, can we, can we have one? I'm like, yes, okay. And so I ordered, and they said, how many? And I said, all of them.
34:01 Speaker 04 And I said, oh, no, I will turn this car around. Nobody gets any cake, no cake pops.
34:06 Speaker 02 I was just trying to buy their love.
34:09 Craig Robinson? Wow, with all of them, you would buy mine.
34:12 Speaker 02 So Glennon, luckily, she was there, and she put the kibosh on that.
34:17 Speaker 02 But I don't know why I went down this road.
34:19 Michelle Obama? No, but it's, it is about the parenting. And sometimes I did overkill on the parenting of trying to be normal, to the extent that one time, Malia was on punishment for a semester. I mean, it was, it was too much, right? It was a whole semester.
34:37 Speaker 02 I mean, did she do something? Like, did she murder a human?
34:40 Michelle Obama? No, she didn't murder a human. She did teenage stuff. This is, you know, every time something happened, and there are teenagers in the White House, I'm thinking, oh, my God, this is a sign that they're gonna be on the street, they're gonna be addicts, and this is really gonna mess them up. So I gotta put down the hammer, right? And so the hammer over this incident was you're grounded for a semester. And it didn't start out as a semester. First, it was a month. And then I let her off and then she didn't make curfew or did something like that. And, you know, I'd have these lectures and this guilt stuff. And, you know, my oldest, who's very sweet, she understood how to just look me in the eye and go,
35:22 Michelle Obama? "You're right, Mom. I don't know what got into me. You're so right." She'd just sucker me and it's like, "I'm gonna think about that." And, ooh.
35:31 Speaker 04 You have one of those.
35:32 Michelle Obama? And I'm just like, "This kid..." Then I was like, "You're just, you're punking me." You know, so now it's a semester.
35:38 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
35:39 Michelle Obama? You know, and Barack is trying to, he's trying to be the president, but also trying to be a good parent. And he's like, "Yeah, whatever your mom says." Although he's looking at me like, "Oh, semester?" I was like, "I said a semester."
35:49 Speaker 02 Yeah.
35:49 Michelle Obama? And I cannot go back on it.
35:51 Speaker 04 No, you can't.
35:51 Michelle Obama? You know, so.
35:52 Craig Robinson? Wait, wait a minute. Stop. Abby, what's the longest you've been on punishment?
35:58 Speaker 02 In my life, like when I was a kid?
36:00 Craig Robinson? Yes.
36:01 Speaker 02 I mean, I was a pretty bad kid.
36:02 Craig Robinson? But, but, but the longest one term?
36:05 Speaker 02 I got grounded once and it was one night.
36:09 Craig Robinson? And how about you?
36:10 Speaker 04 I was grounded for a quarter. We had quarters. I got a couple Cs and that was it. But I used to get grounded outside because I, all I want to do is sit inside and read. So my mother would ground me outside of the house.
36:22 Michelle Obama? You must go and be with people.
36:23 Speaker 04 Yeah, you must people and that was horrible punishment. You never got to see again.
36:27 Craig Robinson? How long have you been grounded?
36:28 Speaker 02 We, I was never really grounded.
36:31 Craig Robinson? Grounded.
36:32 Speaker 02 But I never, I wasn't a bad kid.
36:34 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
36:35 Speaker 02 I wasn't doing anything.
36:36 Craig Robinson? Who, who never gets grounded?
36:38 Speaker 04 What about you?
36:39 Craig Robinson? What, but who never gets grounded and then assigns a semester?
36:43 Speaker 02 But somebody who is worried about the, the choices her husband is making.
36:48 Michelle Obama? That's exactly my point.
36:50 Speaker 02 Is royally messing up her children.
36:52 Michelle Obama? I get it. Thank you.
36:53 Speaker 02 Because, look, anytime our kids do a very, very minor, minor situation, I'm like, "Oh, they can't ever leave the house again."
37:01 Speaker 04 She thinks it's because you think it's your fault.
37:02 Speaker 02 Yeah. I'm like, "Oh, it's because of the fame."
37:04 Craig Robinson? You're only grounded for a week or a day or whatever it was.
37:07 Speaker 02 Of the, the world knows us. It's because of money, whatever it is.
37:10 Michelle Obama? You don't want them to be entitled.
37:11 Speaker 02 No.
37:12 Michelle Obama? You know, you don't want to get any of those signs. That's exactly now. So let me finish. I was wrong. That was too long.
37:20 Craig Robinson? No kidding.
37:22 Michelle Obama? It didn't work. It didn't have the desired effect. So, but I was learning is my point to Shira. It's like, sometimes we overcompensate our, you know, I mean, and this is a strange position. I didn't have any role models of kids in high school in the White House. And your dad's the first black president. I mean, come on, give me a break. I was kind of flying blind on this, you know? So much so that, you know, I learned with Sasha coming up, who was rarely on punishment. But of course, Malia heard about it. It's like, why isn't Sasha on punishment? It's like, because what I did to you was wrong. So I'm not going to repeat it just because you did it.
38:02 Michelle Obama? But the broader point is, is that sometimes our guilt, our, our issues get in the way of our parenting.
38:11 Speaker 02 So true.
38:12 Michelle Obama? And, you know, making a move and making changes, moving into a smaller house, moving away from friends. All those things can feel really heavy as a parent. And I guess my experience is like, it, it didn't really hurt them that bad. They turned out to be pretty good kids and it wasn't because of the semester punishment.
38:31 Craig Robinson? It wasn't.
38:31 Michelle Obama? I was just trying to keep her off the front page of people.
38:34 Craig Robinson? The burden of being the oldest, right there.
38:37 Speaker 02 Yeah. And also, I think like where, where Shira might be at too. I think we are in a world that we can make lists of pros and cons. And we can talk to the people. We can even send in a podcast question to Michelle Obama.
38:57 Michelle Obama? Tell me what to do.
38:57 Speaker 02 To figure out. But the truth is, and I think Glenn could probably expand on this a little. I think she already knows.
39:05 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
39:06 Speaker 02 I think deep down, there's a knowing inside of her. She's just looking for confirmation, some which way. Because at the end of the day, nobody knows what the heck they're doing. We just have to make decision after decision. And some are right and some are wrong.
39:21 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
39:21 Speaker 02 And you just kind of like flow with it.
39:23 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
39:24 Speaker 02 Flow with it.
39:24 Speaker 04 And the fact that she's even asking it.
39:26 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
39:26 Speaker 04 I talked to this one parenting expert that said that the trouble is that all the parents that come to her to say, am I doing this right? What should I do? Those are the parents that don't need her.
39:36 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
39:37 Speaker 02 Yeah.
39:37 Speaker 04 The fact that Cher is even asking these questions, even saying, what does success look like for my family? That's a great question. Like, I wish I had done that. Sit down with your person and say, what does success mean? Because you don't want to take the culture's default of that. That's a beautiful question.
39:55 Michelle Obama? Yes.
39:56 Speaker 04 You know, what does it mean? What do you want your adult children to? All I care about is that they are who they are. And that they know that they have a home in us to constantly return to.
40:07 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
40:08 Speaker 04 And so if that's success, that's enough. Right?
40:13 Craig Robinson? So would we be? Would we be changing our answer if it wasn't New York?
40:20 Michelle Obama? Well, I I'm biased. I think New York is just a hard place to live. I don't, you know, no offense to New Yorkers, but man.
40:30 Speaker 02 Yeah.
40:30 Michelle Obama? You know, I mean, I just, when I'm in New York and I see people with strollers and little kids, I just think it's dirty down there. Pick them up. Pick them up away from the dirt. You know, I mean, you walk the streets of New York in white pants and they're dirty by the end of the day. I was like, you got your kid down there.
40:47 Speaker 02 Yeah.
40:48 Michelle Obama? And so I'm, you know, Chicago is a very different city.
40:51 Speaker 02 Yeah.
40:51 Michelle Obama? You know, it's smaller, it's cleaner. It's just, New York is just one of a kind.
40:56 Speaker 02 It really is.
40:57 Michelle Obama? And it just seems like a hard way to live.
40:59 Speaker 02 Yeah.
41:00 Michelle Obama? You know?
41:00 Speaker 04 Little ones.
41:01 Michelle Obama? A little ones in a stroller going down the subway. I'm just like, wow, that looks hard.
41:06 Speaker 02 It does. I'm a three day New York City person. Three day max, two nights, three days, and I'm solid. I love it. I'm like, this is like.
41:14 Michelle Obama? Love it for those three days.
41:15 Speaker 02 The wonderland. And then I'm like, please help me get out of here.
41:18 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
41:19 Speaker 04 Is there something, though? I would, I do think, like, when I hear you talk about the way that you were raised and the community, I do.
41:28 Speaker 04 Crave that. I wish for people, for young couples. I don't think it has to be your family. Like, not everyone is lucky.
41:36 Michelle Obama? I agree.
41:36 Speaker 04 Sometimes it can't be. Sometimes the support you need is not that.
41:42 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
41:42 Speaker 04 And I think there's a lot of pressure that it's that or nothing, which is no good for a lot of young couples. Sometimes you really do need to start
41:49 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
41:49 Speaker 04 new. But there's something to the accountability of community. I think it's just so easy to, when things get hard, and I think I did this many times, to just eject. And there's something that doesn't develop character-wise as much, I think, in that. Like, I do wish for people some kind of steady community.
42:14 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
42:14 Speaker 04 In one way, but not that it has any form.
42:16 Michelle Obama? I completely agree with you, because that's my lifeblood. I mean, I've got, I'm blessed to have a brother that I love. My mother was there for us. We had a good extended family. But, you know, a lot of my support came from friends that I built. The friendships that I built outside of my family. But I do know that that, you have to have intentionality to do that. And it is well worth the effort. You know, at every stage of my kid's life, I made sure that I knew other parents, you know, that I got to know them. So that I wouldn't know who my kids were going to a sleepover with.
42:57 Michelle Obama? And that required me to invite some people to dinner, or go to lunch with a mom, or, you know, extend myself. And when we got to the White House, that was even weirder and harder. Right? Because here I am, the First Lady of the, you know, no matter how I acted, I come in with all the First Lady smoke. You know, the Secret Service, the, you know, the assistants, the putting me in a hold room. And, you know, we were just a disturbance to the, you know, ether. I had to try to be so much smaller to fit into a place. To try to build community because nobody really could come up to me.
43:38 Michelle Obama? I mean, as friendly as I might be, there's just a wall of, you know, and if you came up too fast, you might get a, you might be in a lockhole, you know? So there was some physical barriers. So it was incumbent upon me to reach out or to cozy up to somebody on the bleachers and start a conversation or to put a call in to the mom and to thank them. And from that, each phase of my life, whether it was in Chicago on the South Side or in the White House, I built this community of moms and other friends and people that I could call and get the inside scoop on where the party was
44:20 Michelle Obama? for the sophomores and whether the parents were actually there. Did they have drugs? And, you know, you're only going to get that information from other parents. Your kids aren't going to tell you. No, they're not.
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49:40 Michelle Obama? You have to tell yourself that that's important, and then you have to make the effort to build that community. So Glenn and I agree. I mean, our community is our friends as well, and they saved me during those years. And for Shira, I think that, you know... Wherever they go, that should be the goal. Don't try to do this parenting thing on your own. You know, you need help, you need insight, you need advice, you need other people's perspectives. And that's as important as your job. That's right. You know, it's like, so you might have a great career and you might have a wonderful business, but you need to have friendships that nurture your family.
50:25 Speaker 02 Yeah.
50:25 Michelle Obama? And you've got to make time for that and you've got to be intentional about that. And to say that it is just as important as the success of your handbag business. Right. That you have this community of support and love and your kids are gonna, they're gonna benefit twofold.
50:40 Speaker 02 It's so true. And Craig, I'm gonna get you excited about the line of conversation. I think we'll go with this. Get the, the oldest into sports. That is, because I've moved a lot in my life and we've moved a couple of times. Getting the kids into sports is like, first of all, the kids are the same age, so they're gonna grow up. The parents are around-ish the same age as you. And nowadays, unfortunately, although your dad was great, nowadays I think it's the opposite, that it's kind of bizarre how much the parents watch the practices.
51:16 Craig Robinson? Yeah.
51:16 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
51:17 Speaker 02 I'm like, just let them practice.
51:18 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
51:19 Speaker 02 Stop, because they're, they're there like yelling at them and they're like trying to coach them. It's not, it's not as, it's not as sweet as what your father was doing.
51:28 Speaker 02 But it's like a Insta friends, like you sit on the sidelines and you're just like, hey, how's it going? You know, what's going on? So that's something for sure and, and her partner to, to think about.
51:40 Craig Robinson? Yeah, no, that, that, I completely agree with that. And our moving around was made easier because our kids were in sports.
51:48 Speaker 02 Yeah.
51:49 Craig Robinson? So they had a natural group to, to have an affinity with. And there's nothing better.
51:58 Craig Robinson? And even your girls.
52:00 Michelle Obama? Yeah, no, we always had them in sports. They were not sports kids, but they were required to do a team sport and an individual sport. Yes, you know, it's just like, just get out there, just learn how to compete. You know, learn how to lose, you know, we don't care if you like it or not.
52:15 Speaker 04 Yeah, that's what we did with our middle one. I didn't understand that. I was like, well, but if they're not good.
52:21 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
52:21 Speaker 04 Should they not play sport?
52:22 Craig Robinson? And no.
52:23 Speaker 04 What I, I have never, during the divorce, I was thinking about putting one of them into more therapy. And Abby said, how about not? And we just put them in soccer.
52:35 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
52:35 Speaker 04 And I thought, that's strange.
52:36 Michelle Obama? Is that therapy?
52:37 Speaker 04 Yeah. But really, wow. All the things that you, it's like a little container to practice safely, everything that's hard about being human.
52:46 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
52:47 Speaker 04 Winning, losing, trying, all of it. It really shaped her completely, I think.
52:52 Speaker 02 It really did. And look, we learned very quickly that sports were not going to be a thing for her. She came off the field one day and she was talking to her friend and she said, you know how like you're out there and you're miserable and you hate it?
53:05 Speaker 04 And you're terrified the whole time.
53:07 Speaker 02 You're scared. And her teammate was like, no, what? And she came home and she said, I'm not supposed to be terrified. And I said, no, honey. And so she now does music and she's doing great at that.
53:20 Speaker 04 She said, here's a guitar.
53:22 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
53:23 Speaker 04 Try this.
53:24 Speaker 02 Do something.
53:25 Michelle Obama? And you cry at night before practice? Every night, you're just nothing but tears.
53:31 Craig Robinson? But I want, I want to get back to Shira here. I just want what.
53:36 Michelle Obama? All this was for Shira.
53:38 Craig Robinson? This is, and one of the things she talked about was being where she is up in rural Maine. The resources for her family are limited, which is why she was thinking about moving to New York. And I, I love the fact that you're, you're thinking, Abby, that both of you are like, she knows the answer. She wants some justification, but there is some.
54:03 Craig Robinson? Concern for parents and people if they're not making enough money.
54:09 Michelle Obama? Sure.
54:10 Craig Robinson? For their families. And let's just say that they weren't thinking New York, right? They were thinking Chicago or LA or Dallas, Texas, or somewhere.
54:21 Michelle Obama? Another big expensive city.
54:23 Craig Robinson? Another big expensive city. Where it might help their overall resources. How do you look at that?
54:32 Speaker 04 I mean, I wish here I'd be looking at preschools. I mean, when I was teaching, I had to quit teaching when I had my second baby because I couldn't afford to teach.
54:40 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
54:41 Speaker 04 I could not afford to go to work.
54:43 Michelle Obama? Right.
54:43 Speaker 04 Yeah. So then I ended up starting a preschool in my home, which I do not recommend.
54:48 Michelle Obama? Yeah, yeah. Don't do that.
54:49 Speaker 04 No, no. But wow, there are so many places that do have beautiful, affordable daycare. You just have to find them. And getting kids started in a really strong preschool and elementary school, to me, feels like the most important thing. I would look at that. I mean, it's tricky because she said, I want to be in a city so I can make money. But the cities are too expensive to live in.
55:15 Michelle Obama? Yeah, that's right.
55:16 Speaker 04 So it's a double bind that is.
55:19 Michelle Obama? Well, it's almost like they've got to really run the numbers, right? Because sometimes people make snap decisions. And this is one of those things, like especially if it's New York. Where you, you know, you might price yourself out of a life, you know, just being there.
55:37 Speaker 04 Yep.
55:38 Michelle Obama? So now you're working to work.
55:41 Speaker 04 That's right.
55:42 Michelle Obama? And that's when I think, you know, you got to start thinking about quality of life too with your career. Because if you're living in such an expensive place where all your income is going to rent and tuition, and you can't save for college, and you can't have a vacation, you can't take time off, you know, you're working to live, those answers are in the numbers.
56:10 Michelle Obama? You know, I don't know how the average family can afford to live in New York City. It's a harder way to live. Some people don't have a choice. But if you have a choice. You know, I personally wouldn't want to be so tied to my job and a salary because you just never know what's gonna happen. Yeah. People get laid off, you know, somebody gets sick. You know, when you have a family, you gotta have some, a margin for error. That's right. You know, a kid could get sick. You might have to, you know, take off of work. And, and this is one thing my, our father was pretty good at. Cause I know when we were little, I always wanted a house, you know?
56:53 Michelle Obama? I was a little girl that wanted a house with stairs and a station wagon. There were things in my mind and we lived in a teeny tiny apartment over our aunt's house. And my mom, eventually my aunt died, she gave the house to our family. That was the only reason we could afford to own a home. I don't think that it mattered that much, you know? It felt like it when I was a little girl, but in hindsight, I thought that our life was brilliant, you know? That we didn't have a lot and that wasn't what made me who I am, having a house with stairs. But our father was pretty clear on not being house poor.
57:36 Michelle Obama? So he just didn't make a lot of risky decisions that would put us in a position where he couldn't pay the bills or he couldn't save for college. So the trade off was we didn't have a house with stairs and a nice fancy station wagon. And we weren't worried, you know? We weren't, we weren't living hand to mouth. Things felt fine and good. So I do think it's important for families not to push themselves to the margins where things can't go wrong. That's right. Where you're, you know, beholden to one thing. You gotta leave room for error.
58:13 Speaker 04 That's why it's so beautiful to ask yourself, like, what is success?
58:16 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
58:17 Speaker 04 I mean, the amount of communities that I've stepped into where the idea of enough is not even a thing. There are communities in New York and everywhere where you will enter and never, you will never see the end to what the, the Keeping Up With The Joneses, the Keeping Up With The, it just becomes a pursuit of something that is unattainable. And so to actually ask yourself, what is success for this little family? Like not feeling scarcity?
58:42 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
58:42 Speaker 04 Having a cushion?
58:44 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
58:44 Speaker 04 Then you start to make different. Decisions, if your idea of success is different than whatever culture you're in is telling you, it is. I think people, I really feel like people are starting to do that. I think the like, emperor has no clothes of the treadmill of more and more. It's, it's, it's an empty promise that now is feeling empty. And I think these are the questions people are starting to ask, and it's really cool. People are gonna make different decisions.
59:11 Craig Robinson? Do you all feel, and this, this can be anybody. I'm getting the impression that parents today are rushing their kids to be free of their kids.
59:27 Michelle Obama? Like they, we want, they want their kids stable so they don't have to worry about them anymore.
59:31 Craig Robinson? They want their kids out in the world and doing the right thing and supporting themselves. So they won't be bounce back kids. And I feel like I never felt that from my parents. I could always go back home. As a matter of fact, when I was going through my divorce, I did go back home. And I moved upstairs where I grew up with my kids and my mom lived downstairs. It seems to me that some of the mental health issues that are, that are young adults are having are just the fear of going out into the real world and not being ready. And then you can't come back home because your parents are trying to push you away for whatever reason.
1:00:14 Craig Robinson? It could be a valid reason, or it could be that they just want to do their own thing as parents. And have, have you guys seen that or thought about that?
1:00:24 Speaker 04 Yeah. I mean, when you say it, it makes me think of, oh, because that's what we were told is, is success.
1:00:29 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
1:00:30 Speaker 04 And that is actually, like, in my heart, I understand that they need to be able to be independent. But that's not what I want or think of. Like, I want. There to be an interdependence, like especially because because of the fact that we move so much, I am their community, like we are each other's community. And I don't, it doesn't make sense to me, like other cultures and other countries don't have that rigid of a structure. I do think maybe that is a thing that we could let go of as the barometer, complete independence by 21.
1:01:03 Speaker 02 I also think that I've been informed in a little different way because when I left for college, I never went home. Right. And I knew that was gonna happen. I knew that I was a good soccer player. I knew that I was gonna be gone. Like, I never even went home for the summer. Like, I was just always training with the national teams, with the youth national teams. And so there is a part of me that knows that that was probably not healthy and probably not great for my overall connection, probably with my birth family. And there's another part of me that is so grateful because it forced me to take care
1:01:41 Speaker 02 of myself and become this like force, this independent person who is, has a ton of agency. I'm not scared of much. Anything that comes through the door, I'm able to handle it.
1:01:53 Speaker 04 That's true.
1:01:54 Speaker 02 And so I see our youngest, kind of, she's, she's in soccer, she's getting recruited right now. It's very exciting. And, and there's going to be a time where I know that if she really wants to go and signs with the college, I know that she's gonna come back less than the others. And that's gonna be hard on this one. And it will be hard on me too, but I will, I will have, I have walked that walk.
1:02:22 Speaker 04 That's why I was trying to keep them mediocre before she came. That was my whole job. Seriously, every time somebody, they'd be in gymnastics and somebody would say, they're getting really good, do you wanna do the, I was like, oh no.
1:02:32 Speaker 02 Let's go swimming.
1:02:33 Speaker 04 Like mediocre was the goal. I didn't have to give up my weekend. And then this one came and now they're being recruited.
1:02:41 Speaker 02 Oh, Lord. Yeah. So it's interesting, you know, there's probably no right or wrong way necessarily.
1:02:49 Speaker 02 I do think that there is a wisdom in our children's generation and also a little bit a softness. Both. I think because of, because of parents getting more therapy and being more open to listening to what their kids have to say and talking more about trauma and being more in that kind of frame of mind. These children have more wisdom and they have more understanding than they see the world differently and they experience the reality of their world very differently than we did on television screens. They're doing it 24/7 on their phones.
1:03:31 Speaker 02 And I also think there's a part of the generation that our children are growing up in that is, it's not in the real world as much. And so it's scarier for them.
1:03:44 Michelle Obama? Abby, I agree. I mean, I feel the feelings of wanting to be somewhere in the middle. It is a delicate balance because it's like you want your kid. I want my daughters to feel independent. I really want them to have the confidence to know that they can figure this stuff out, that life isn't rocket science, that it's a lot of common sense. And, you know, and some of that you're only going to learn by doing, which means you're going to have to fail. And I think a lot of parents are afraid of watching that failure. It is the hardest thing to do to watch your kids walk into a wall that you knew was there.
1:04:26 Michelle Obama? And you told them not to walk into it until they hit it and get a lump on their head. They just won't learn it. That's a painful thing for us. If you keep your kids from that experience of bump in their head, you're robbing them of their own competency.
1:04:42 Speaker 02 That's right.
1:04:42 Michelle Obama? Right? They need to know you can bump your head and you can figure it out. Go to the doctor, put some ice on it, don't do it again. Let's talk about it after the fact. But as you get older. I shouldn't have to walk you through everything. I think it's a constant exercise of extending the leash. Mm hmm. You know, always err on the side of making it longer, not letting it go. Mm hmm. But it's for them to say, you like the bump on the head? You got this. Yeah. You're good, you know? And they, this, these aren't hard choices, but I think sometimes parents are, you know, holding on a little bit too long. Yeah. And with that said, I want my kids to know when things are really bad. Right. Right?
1:05:27 Michelle Obama? And you're really in a bind, no, don't even question. Mm hmm. Because we know you work hard. We know who you are. We know that you're not trying to get over. We know you wake up every morning, giving it a shot, but life can be hard. So take some risks because you'll land softly here. Yes. But you can do this. Yes. I think that's always my message. And you start with Shira when your kids are five and two, you know? Start making decisions, no matter what they are, whether it's moving or staying, or you go to one school or you don't, you tell them, you can handle this. Yeah. You got this. Yes. And then you're watching from the gate, just making sure everything is okay, but they shouldn't know that you're watching.
1:06:12 Michelle Obama? Ah, yes. You know? They shouldn't know, but you're watching, you know? But they should think, look at what I did, you know? I, I, I started a new school. I made a new friend. I figured out my own homework. I wrote my own paper. I got a C, but I didn't get an A paper because my mom wrote the other half of it. Yeah. You know, this was my C. It was my, is my victory, my failure. And I think parents making decisions that make sense for the whole, you know, and, and giving your kids credit for being resilient, letting them build that, that resiliency muscle. I think that's what readies them, right?
1:06:52 Michelle Obama? For life, which is our ultimate job, not to have them in our basement. Because if that was, my kids would still be sleeping in my bed. They would not. They would. Barack is the only reason that, you know? They would not. I love sleeping with my kids. Mm hmm. Anytime that I got a big one, you sit on my lap, I'm just like, meh. So.
1:07:17 Speaker 02 Same with Glennon, don't feel bad about yourself.
1:07:20 Speaker 04 No, I would still be doing it.
1:07:22 Speaker 02 We had two twin beds on the floor at the edge of our beds.
1:07:26 Michelle Obama? Oh, okay.
1:07:27 Speaker 04 See, look at her face, look what you did.
1:07:29 Speaker 02 No, I'm not judging, they were just like, looking away.
1:07:31 Craig Robinson? She's saying, why didn't I think of that?
1:07:34 Speaker 02 She's like, dang it.
1:07:35 Michelle Obama? Yeah, I am picturing that. It's like, yeah, then they just roll over and be so nice.
1:07:40 Speaker 04 It's a good point, though, to figure out for Shira what Shira needs and wants. Because what you're talking about when you say all of that, I'm thinking, we do that because we want to still be needed.
1:07:57 Michelle Obama? Yeah, yeah.
1:07:58 Speaker 04 We do that because we're like, oh, I'm right now in the, my children are becoming adults and I, my role is completely different. It's the hardest, the hardest part of parenting I've done. And there is the tendency to create the codependent thing because you don't know who you are without that. And so it could be the most important thing to be creating a life where your kids know you're okay, so that your job actually can be to create resilient kids.
1:08:27 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
1:08:27 Speaker 04 Because some people, some of us get confused and think our job is to keep, not keep them needing me.
1:08:33 Michelle Obama? Yeah, yes.
1:08:34 Speaker 04 And so to build the community that they need, that Sharon her partner need, and to build a career that she feels enlivened by and a life, then her kids can know she's okay and they'll be okay.
1:08:48 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
1:08:49 Craig Robinson? No, that's, that's the perfect segue to, and I don't want Shira to be saying, ah, I wish I hadn't sent in this question because I don't know any more. What are our takeaways? What are a couple of takeaways for Shira to, to be able to go, she and her partner go back and at least formulate a plan for a decision?
1:09:13 Speaker 02 Sit down with your husband and figure out what you need. I mean, I think Michelle was saying that, write it down. Figure out what is the bottom line, what the cost is going to be, what the pros of that cost. And then go deep, deep down and figure out what you want. I think we're all afraid. To actually figure out what it is we really want. And we tend to stay in the I should lane. And so get brave enough to go figure out what it is. And it sounds like she's good at it because she's she's a handbag maker of her own. That sounds probably like something that she wanted. And and geographically, it's not about the geography. I don't want to take away from your guys' options.
1:09:58 Michelle Obama? No, no, that's that's absolutely true. It's like the job of the couple, the family, the adults, is to make the adult decision, you know? And don't be afraid to be guided by what the adults need, you know? But don't parent out of guilt. Once you make the adult decision, don't feel sorry for your child because you did something that you wanted to do. Love them, give them stability, you know? Help them grow in their new community and their new surroundings, but still parent.
1:10:35 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:10:36 Speaker 04 Yeah. Yeah, and I would just say, what is success? Really talking to each other about what does a successful family? What do you mean by that? What do most of us don't even get to the differences of those ideas until 10 years in. But we've all been taught different things from our families of origin about what success means. I think sometimes people don't think enough about, yes, let's build community. But the community you're in right now is the two of you. So what does a successful dad? What does a good dad mean to you? What does it mean to be a good mom? Because those are loaded things that we don't pull apart. We need to like, you know, really get the mental load written down and really assign things. What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?
1:11:19 Speaker 04 The support often needs to be worked out within the family first, right? So I think there's beautiful conversations to be had. And anybody sitting down to figure out what success is instead of defaulting to the culture is going to be better off.
1:11:32 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
1:11:33 Speaker 02 And there are many ways to build a family.
1:11:35 Speaker 04 Yes.
1:11:36 Michelle Obama? There's no right answer. There really isn't. And you guys both said it. It is filled with roadblocks and stumbles. And even when they do all the pros and cons and lay it out, they may make a decision and it doesn't work.
1:11:51 Speaker 02 That's right.
1:11:51 Michelle Obama? And guess what? Change it. You know? You get a do-over. There are so many do-overs in life. There are few things that really, you know, ruin a kid or ruin a family. There's just, you know, if there's love. You know, if there's effort, right? And if there's trust, all the rest of it, you're just figuring it out. That's right.
1:12:14 Speaker 04 Forever tries. We always say families forever tries.
1:12:17 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
1:12:18 Speaker 04 And make your little plan.
1:12:20 Michelle Obama? Yeah, yeah.
1:12:21 Speaker 04 We'll see.
1:12:21 Michelle Obama? You're right. That's right.
1:12:23 Speaker 04 Just trust, trust me.
1:12:24 Michelle Obama? That's what you thought, right?
1:12:26 Speaker 04 A year later, the plan will be different. I always think the only stability we really have is like you and me right here. That's the stability, you and me, and then me and Emma, and then me and Tish. It's like a direct, I'm looking at you, you're looking at me. That's the stability we have forever. The geography, even our family structure changed. Sometimes stability isn't what you need.
1:12:48 Michelle Obama? Yeah, yeah.
1:12:49 Speaker 04 To step into the next most beautiful imagination of your family. So, but that, that direct line, person to person, that's what has to be stable, I think.
1:12:59 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
1:13:00 Craig Robinson? Wow. Well, Sheera, I hope this has been helpful. Has this been helpful for me?
1:13:05 Michelle Obama? What are you gonna do? She's gotta send in and let us know. We need follow up.
1:13:08 Craig Robinson? Yeah, we need some follow up for it.
1:13:10 Michelle Obama? And then we can judge it. That's right. That's right. Terrible decision. Sheera, well, I don't know how you got that out of what we just said.
1:13:16 Craig Robinson? I must say that the thing that I got, and this could be my coaching background, is you always have to be prepared to pivot. And not be afraid to pivot. And I'm hearing this from your family. I know it happened in our family. As parents, we've all had to pivot and the kids are better for it.
1:13:39 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
1:13:40 Craig Robinson? So I really appreciate that on Sheera's behalf.
1:13:44 Michelle Obama? Yeah.
1:13:44 Craig Robinson? Thank you for the wonderful.
1:13:46 Michelle Obama? Abby Glennon, thank you, guys. Thanks for having us. For taking the time, being a part of this incredible conversation. I want to do it again and again. So, yeah. It's good to see you guys. Me too. Really. It's good to meet you.
1:14:01 Craig Robinson? It's good to meet you. We have to talk about elite athletes.
1:14:05 Michelle Obama? That's right.
1:14:05 Craig Robinson? One day, just.
1:14:07 Michelle Obama? Okay, we can do a show on that.
1:14:09 Craig Robinson? We can see.
1:14:10 Michelle Obama? An episode on that.
1:14:12 Craig Robinson? We'll bring her around.
1:14:13 Michelle Obama? We can heckle them.
1:14:14 Speaker 02 Well, we just absolutely, I love this conversation. Thank you so much for having us.
1:14:18 Craig Robinson? Thank you, guys. This is, oh.
1:14:19 Speaker 02 All right.
1:14:20 Craig Robinson? It's great to meet you both.
1:14:22 Speaker 02 Be well.
1:15:28 Speaker 06 I'm Emma Grede, host of Aspire with Emma Grede, the podcast where I sit down with people who don't just dream big, they build big. If you love Michelle and Craig on IMO, just wait until you hear their episode on my show. Michelle told me about the moment at 26 when she lost her father and her best friend in the same year. It made her walk away from her corporate law career to figure out her why. That's the kind of conversation you get on Aspire. We talk about mindset, ambition, and doing the work that actually moves the needle. So if you're ready to raise your standards and take charge of the life you're building, Aspire is where you start. Follow and listen to Aspire with me, Emma Grede, available wherever you get your podcasts.
Previous Live with Tina Knowles: Lessons from a Matriarch Next Be a Different Kind of Leader with Brian Chesky Page updated November 3, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated
