Pod Insights Help I Sexted My Boss Jordan’s Philosophies | And Airport Nightmares About this episode Not many people claim to be a wise man, but not many people are Jordan North! We’ve got philosophies and mantras galore to add to your life alongside some vital holiday hacks. There’s also an enraged William and a reminder to all of us to NEVER talk about airport transportation with him ever again.
If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected] , and for more Sexted fun sign up https://sextedmyboss.com/newsletter/ to our free VIG&Diva newsletter. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss.
Help I Sexted My Boss is presented by William Hanson and Jordan North. It is an Audio Always http://www.audioalways.com production.
If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected] . You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.
Transcript 0:01 Speaker 00 Hello, I'm Joanna Fletcher.
0:03 Speaker 01 And I'm Marco Burchella.
0:04 Speaker 00 And this is Boots Off.
0:07 Speaker 01 We are friends who have spent a decade together, walking up mountains, across deserts and along coastlines with some seriously awesome groups of humans.
0:15 Speaker 00 And something happens when you're out there, feet on the ground, surrounded by nature. The conversations just spill out of you.
0:22 Speaker 01 This series is about the adversities that lead to adventure.
0:25 Speaker 00 The adventures that lead to adversity.
0:27 Speaker 01 And how life can be one big adventure in itself.
0:30 Speaker 00 Listen every Thursday, just search for Boots Off.
0:43 Speaker 02 Hello and welcome to our Friday episode. This is where we see how much extra content we can squeeze into your week. Random things that have been sent in, extra bits that have been going on and how our advice went down with you at our G and D vs.
0:56 Speaker 03 Now, it's very odd, Jordan, because we're sitting here in a very sort of odd, semi-concealed set.
1:03 Speaker 02 Yes, so next week.
1:04 Speaker 03 Yes, on Tuesday.
1:05 Speaker 02 On Tuesday, we're gonna see our brand new studio. Okay, so everything's covered at the moment. There's like dust sheets on things.
1:13 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:13 Speaker 02 Alls we can see behind us is our new logo, which is quite exciting. We've got a new desk.
1:17 Speaker 03 Well, not the new logo.
1:19 Speaker 02 Yeah, no.
1:19 Speaker 03 It's the same logo.
1:20 Speaker 02 It's the same logo, but on a, they'll be faceted.
1:22 Speaker 03 On a light box.
1:24 Speaker 02 On a, on a light box, yeah. So this is all like covered up until next week's big unveiling.
1:29 Speaker 03 Yes.
1:30 Speaker 02 So, yeah, but if you have a look under the table.
1:34 Speaker 02 Have a look.
1:34 Speaker 03 Is it nice?
1:35 Speaker 02 Have a look, have a look. Get your laughing gear round that, love.
1:40 Speaker 03 Wow, not laughing anymore.
1:42 Speaker 02 How are you? What are you doing this weekend?
1:44 Speaker 03 I'm seeing my parents and my brother for dinner. We're gonna go out, yeah, which is nice. What are you doing?
1:48 Speaker 02 I am, uh...
1:51 Speaker 03 Probably more rehea-, more, not rehearsals, sorry, sorry. More training for Soccer Aid, aren't you?
1:56 Speaker 02 Yeah, I'm doing bits, you know, keeping busy.
1:59 Speaker 03 Nice.
2:00 Speaker 02 If I'm not doing Toy Story or Soccer Aid, I'll be doing something.
2:02 Speaker 03 Well, no, respectfully, you did Toy Story ages ago. And it hasn't come out, well, ish, sort of out now, but like you recorded that presumably months ago.
2:09 Speaker 02 It's a bit weird. I wanna be in garden this weekend. I wanna get it guarded.
2:12 Speaker 03 Okay, how's it all looking? Have you done your wet and forget yet?
2:15 Speaker 02 I have it because I've jet washed, but I bought-
2:18 Speaker 03 No! Bruce, true, separate terms!
2:20 Speaker 02 The wet and forget has arrived, but I haven't got a pump for it.
2:23 Speaker 03 I sent you the link.
2:24 Speaker 02 And then I ordered some stones to fill in the, because some tarpaulin was showing.
2:29 Speaker 03 Hmm.
2:29 Speaker 02 Yeah, you know, you put pebbles on.
2:31 Speaker 03 Tarpaulin, what have you buried someone under?
2:32 Speaker 02 I scattered the stones and it's completely different.
2:35 Speaker 03 Oh.
2:36 Speaker 02 Yeah.
2:36 Speaker 03 Oh, that'll be upsetting your OCD.
2:38 Speaker 02 It's different to the other stones, so every time I look out a window, it winds me up. I'm turning, I'm old, I'm loving, I just wanna go out in the garden.
2:45 Speaker 03 Some stones are different from others and I think you need to accept difference.
2:47 Speaker 02 You do, you do.
2:49 Speaker 03 Now, after you, Jordan, promised to share your three philosophies, we asked our G and D'Vas what they thought they would be. Before we hear yours, Jordan, let's hear what the G and D'Vas thought yours would be. Hugh suggested, continuing your theme, jet washing clears the mind as well as the patio.
3:05 Speaker 02 Great.
3:06 Speaker 03 Perhaps the tagline for BJ Services? You set that up as a limited company with HMRC yet?
3:11 Speaker 04 Not yet.
3:12 Speaker 02 No, he doesn't, he doesn't want to keep inviting him round.
3:15 Speaker 03 Okay. Ryan said, "You don't choose to have a picky tea, the picky tea chooses you."
3:21 Speaker 02 My god, Ryan, preach, girl, preach. Yes!
3:25 Speaker 03 Anthony said, "What the Spanish can't do with a potato isn't worth knowing."
3:29 Speaker 02 Oh, these are-
3:30 Speaker 03 That's Viagra-um.
3:31 Speaker 02 That is Viagra-um, no. What the Spanish can't do with a potato ain't worth knowing.
3:35 Speaker 03 Kyle suggested, this is retro, "Dressing gown belts are the ties that bind."
3:40 Speaker 02 Hmm.
3:41 Speaker 04 I like that.
3:42 Speaker 03 Do you? You like a dressing gown belt?
3:44 Speaker 04 No, I just like the words.
3:45 Speaker 03 Oh, okay. Corey, clearly aware of how deep and profound Jordan's thoughts are, said, "Never trust a fart."
3:52 Speaker 02 So these are all stuff I've said in the past, isn't it?
3:55 Speaker 03 Well, more or less, or things that you could, you could say. You've never, I don't think you've said jet washing clears the mind as well as the patio.
4:00 Speaker 02 No, but I've definitely, I have definitely-
4:01 Speaker 03 But I could hear you saying it.
4:03 Speaker 02 I definitely have said, "You don't choose a picky tea, the picky tea chooses you." I have said that before.
4:08 Speaker 03 Right.
4:09 Speaker 02 Yeah. I've got one of my own.
4:10 Speaker 03 You've got-
4:11 Speaker 02 I always try. So this is all because of the peanut butter bisexual thing. Do you know how many bisexuals have stopped me in the street and said?
4:19 Speaker 03 How, literally how many?
4:20 Speaker 02 None.
4:21 Speaker 03 Yeah.
4:21 Speaker 02 But, no, loads. They've stopped me and said, "Jordan, I'm a-
4:24 Speaker 03 Hang on, you just said none. None or loads? That's like going black or white.
4:27 Speaker 02 Honestly, this lad come up to me and said, "Jordan, I'm a bisexual." And I've always, like, tried to get my head around it and you saying one day you-
4:34 Speaker 03 This lad's had some-
4:38 Speaker 02 One day you wake up and I like crunchy peanut butter and the others you like smooth. So yeah, so I thought of another one.
4:44 Speaker 03 Go on.
4:45 Speaker 02 Life's like having a shite.
4:48 Speaker 02 Sometimes it's fine, joyful and worth the wait. Others.
4:54 Speaker 02 Others, it's messy, stinks and takes time.
4:58 Speaker 02 That's life.
4:59 Speaker 03 Right. Well, thank you so much. We've also asked Argent Divas for their own philosophies and wise words to live by. Francis doesn't trust a man who wears short sleeved formal shirts. Francis, I agree.
5:09 Speaker 02 I agree. It's not the 60s and you're not working in NASA.
5:13 Speaker 03 Yes, exactly. Or operating heavy machinery.
5:16 Speaker 02 I mean, to be fair, in hot countries, short sleeves. My mum used to get me short sleeves at school.
5:21 Speaker 03 I still think, just roll your sleeves up.
5:22 Speaker 02 I agree, there's something quite wrong with.
5:24 Speaker 03 It's an ick.
5:25 Speaker 02 It is. Short sleeved shirts in men and tans.
5:28 Speaker 03 Like a polo shirt, fine, but a cotton or linen shirt that is short sleeved.
5:34 Speaker 02 Oh, I've got a short sleeved linen for holiday.
5:36 Speaker 03 No.
5:37 Speaker 02 Not, not with a tile for work.
5:39 Speaker 03 No, no, no.
5:40 Speaker 02 I wear short sleeved linen.
5:41 Speaker 03 No, what, you're not going bowling, are you?
5:43 Speaker 02 Yeah, but.
5:44 Speaker 03 It's ridiculous. Kenner said olives are just savoury grapes.
5:48 Speaker 02 You're not meant to wear short sleeves.
5:50 Speaker 03 No, I think it's a real.
5:52 Speaker 02 No, I have them on all day.
5:53 Speaker 04 I wear, I wear. You've got to wear a short sleeve from Zara.
5:56 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, exactly.
5:57 Speaker 03 The jury has.
5:58 Speaker 02 Olives are just like savoury.
5:58 Speaker 03 Quadrat demonstrant.
6:00 Speaker 02 Olives are just like savoury grapes, yes.
6:02 Speaker 03 Lisa says, life is a dick. When it gets hard, fuck it.
6:08 Speaker 04 Did you like that one, William?
6:10 Speaker 03 Yeah. Charles' response to situations when the result is disappointing but could be worse is better than a shit in the eye. They said it accidentally a few years ago and now it's an official idiom that among their friends.
6:22 Speaker 02 Better than a shit in the eye. It's just like better than a kick in the teeth.
6:24 Speaker 03 Yes, exactly. Don't wee on my strawberries.
6:27 Speaker 02 What?
6:28 Speaker 03 Don't wee on my strawberries, like don't rain on my parade.
6:31 Speaker 02 Don't wheel my strawberries. What does that mean?
6:34 Speaker 03 Is he got that?
6:35 Speaker 02 Wheel.
6:35 Speaker 03 Don't rain on my parade.
6:37 Speaker 02 Don't what my strawberries?
6:39 Speaker 03 Don't wee on my strawberries.
6:40 Speaker 02 Wee?
6:40 Speaker 03 Yeah.
6:41 Speaker 02 Oh, wee, I thought you said wheel.
6:44 Speaker 03 No, I don't like the word piss.
6:45 Speaker 02 Don't.
6:46 Speaker 03 Oh, apparently don't piss on my strawberries.
6:48 Speaker 02 No, it's don't piss on my parade.
6:50 Speaker 03 Don't rain on my parade.
6:51 Speaker 04 Don't wank on my potatoes.
6:53 Speaker 03 Don't wank on my potatoes.
6:55 Speaker 02 You've had that up, haven't you?
6:56 Speaker 03 Yeah.
6:57 Speaker 04 Yeah.
6:59 Speaker 03 Right, now we also discussed the idea of banning early morning airport drinking, which caused some debate in the comments, so we asked what other bits of travelling our GNDs would ban. So do we agree with these? Have we done any of them potentially? There were lots of nominations for people who clap when the plane lands and people who reserve some beds at 6am. Holly said, "If I never get on an airport shuttle bus again, I'll have lived a good life."
7:24 Speaker 02 I agree.
7:25 Speaker 03 I can't. And there is one airport in particular, Heathrow, I'm looking at you. You land, you've had a lovely holiday, and you're on a bus.
7:35 Speaker 02 Oh no, I don't mind them. I thought it was the ones where you get to the airport and you have to get on a bus to go to your hotel.
7:40 Speaker 03 Well, that's bad. Or go to the higher car place, that happens in America. Shuttle buses generally are horrid. And you're like, sorry, we're in one of the world's busiest airports.
7:51 Speaker 02 But you can't just have people wandering across the track.
7:53 Speaker 03 And they've got... No, no, I'm not suggesting that. Don't be ridiculous. But I'm... The A terminal, the B terminal, and the C terminal are all busy, that I'm on a bus, and it's always a bus. What route do I have to fly to get into the terminal?
8:13 Speaker 02 Okay, all right. Bloody hell.
8:16 Speaker 03 Josie wants to get rid of people who post a photo from the plane or checking into the airport on social media. I agree. It's the same people who are flying in a cabin where you get champagne and they have to do that. Ah, here I am with my champagne flute. Oh, just go away.
8:34 Speaker 02 Say it.
8:35 Speaker 03 Go away.
8:35 Speaker 02 I think it's a bit icky, people taking a picture of themselves in like business and stuff.
8:39 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's just...
8:39 Speaker 02 Like, on planes.
8:41 Speaker 03 Common.
8:42 Speaker 02 Doing well.
8:42 Speaker 03 In the same vein, Loose hates people posting on Instagram with the caption, "Oh yeah, today's office." And it's, you know, the beach or whatever. And it's like, today's office, you're not doing any work, you've just posted that on Instagram, so you're hardly working. Olivia wants to ban people who don't know how to pack their tray at security.
9:00 Speaker 02 I'm not like, like, seriously, security has been pretty high since 2001, since 9/11.
9:08 Speaker 03 Yeah.
9:08 Speaker 02 The amount of people that get there and got a clue what they're doing.
9:12 Speaker 03 No.
9:12 Speaker 02 Me included, because they change the rules every time. So you're like, and then they shout at you. Let's all sort out security. I'm like, do I take out my valuables? And you get to spend like, hi, hi, take out my valuables. That was a Spanish accent for anybody.
9:25 Speaker 03 It was uncanny.
9:26 Speaker 02 Not worrying. So it is, and they shout at you.
9:30 Speaker 03 Yeah.
9:31 Speaker 02 But let's be efficient. We shouldn't be queuing for ages at security.
9:34 Speaker 03 When you're in your airport security queue, what I often do, I take off my watch, put it in my bag, put my mobile phone in my bag, take off my belt, put it in my bag, have my bag open, so that I'm ready when I get to the tray, bag in, laptop or iPad out, take off my jacket, pop that in a separate tray, check that I don't have a handkerchief in my pocket, through I go.
9:55 Speaker 04 George is putting a face.
9:57 Speaker 03 Why are you putting a face at that?
9:59 Speaker 04 I do think it's a bit annoying.
10:00 Speaker 02 I say, I do. I put my tray down and go, please, please.
10:05 Speaker 03 Do you know what's more annoying? Getting blown up. So do you know what? We all have to do security.
10:10 Speaker 02 No, you're great. Oh, God, I agree. I'm all here for security.
10:14 Speaker 03 You're just gonna make a meal out of it.
10:15 Speaker 02 No, I just think we need to sort out what we're doing. Are we all now taking drinks out? Because some now.
10:20 Speaker 03 Well, different airports are just, they're catching up.
10:22 Speaker 02 Well, all have the same rules. You don't have to take your laptop out, right?
10:26 Speaker 04 They shout at you as well if you start taking your laptop out or in.
10:28 Speaker 02 I know, and then I took my shoes off. He's like, you don't need to take your shoes off. I'm like, stick to the fucking rule. One guy, yeah, I couldn't once pin up the little thing and it was just one little bit. It was packed, to be fair, and it just wouldn't shut right at the end. You're like, you're gonna have to take something out. It had to been a brand new, I think it was a shampoo, but it was still annoying.
10:48 Speaker 03 It's time for another edition of William Reads from Urban Dictionary. Now, in the last edition, we learned about dick butter.
10:56 Speaker 03 Fraudgin's lip. In the last edition, we learned about duck butter, no one's noticed, which is the combination of sweet... Can hardly read. Combination of sweat from the ballsack and anus that creates a buttery film on the gooch and bumhole. Why are you putting your hand out for me?
11:15 Speaker 02 I'm not.
11:16 Speaker 03 Okay.
11:16 Speaker 02 Stretching.
11:16 Speaker 03 Just as I said bumhole. Now, we've got no idea which phrase the team has picked for us to discover today, so let's dive in. The, this week's word is arse-maxing. Before we find out the meaning, what do you think it could mean, Jordan?
11:32 Speaker 02 Getting the most arse-maxing. Shaving your arse.
11:38 Speaker 02 Oh, maybe like doing exercises to get the maximum arse, you know, to make it look peachy.
11:42 Speaker 03 Okay. Well, we'll find out the true definition of that after the break.
11:51 Speaker 05 1965, London. The world's largest uncut diamond has been stolen from the Natural History Museum.
12:00 Speaker 05 Shortly after, a young London window cleaner is arrested. They said, "You're nicked, you're in a lot of trouble." But was he set up? Wanted, arse. Led to four of two cops. His family say he is guilty, but of a totally different crime.
12:15 Speaker 06 You're not going to end up going to prison, are you, kid, later?
12:17 Speaker 05 I'm J C Long, and this is Rough Diamond. Listen now, wherever you get your podcasts.
12:28 Speaker 02 Welcome back, Jane Devers. Before the break, we're trying to figure out what this week's entry from Urban Dictionary was, arse-maxing. What does that mean?
12:34 Speaker 03 Well, we'll find out. Here's the definition: Arse-maxing is the act of taking advantage of Arsenal fans and their good, good moods.
12:41 Speaker 02 Well, they have just won the league.
12:42 Speaker 03 Have they?
12:43 Speaker 02 Well, yeah, they won the league.
12:44 Speaker 03 Up the Arsenal.
12:45 Speaker 02 Up the arse.
12:46 Speaker 03 For example, if your partner is a gooner, then perhaps you should utilise a bit of arse maxing to get a favourable response to something they usually wouldn't be happy about doing.
12:55 Speaker 02 So you'd be like, oh, can we get a new kitchen or can we go on holiday? It's arse maxing.
12:59 Speaker 03 Right.
13:00 Speaker 02 You know, that thing in the bedroom you've always wanted to try, but you're not meaning it's like, yeah.
13:04 Speaker 03 Is there anything in the bedroom you've always wanted to try but have been forbidden?
13:07 Speaker 02 Ice cream in bed.
13:09 Speaker 03 Yeah.
13:09 Speaker 02 I'm not allowed to eat ice cream in bed, apparently.
13:12 Speaker 03 No. Eating in bed, well, you've got certain things, but generally you shouldn't.
13:17 Speaker 04 Would that not keep you up, having ice cream in bed?
13:20 Speaker 03 Well, yeah, sugar.
13:21 Speaker 02 Thirty-six, I can do what I want, I'm an adult.
13:24 Speaker 03 You thirty-six?
13:25 Speaker 02 Yeah.
13:26 Speaker 03 Steve has messaged us with some insight around airport pints. Hello, William, Jordan, EPB and the Sexed Family. I'm a cabin manager for a UK airline and wanted to weigh in on the airport pint debate.
13:35 Speaker 02 Got a few tongs wagging this, hasn't it?
13:37 Speaker 03 Honestly, airport pints usually aren't the issue. Morning drinkers are often asleep before takeoff, while later flights tend to cause more problems because delays keep people in bars longer.
13:45 Speaker 02 I bet.
13:47 Speaker 03 The bigger issue is passengers drinking their own duty-free alcohol on board, as once the aircraft doors are closed, it's much harder for crew to manage intoxicated passengers, which can lead to diversions and unhappy travellers. If airports ever wanted to police pints, the easiest solution would probably be linking drink purchases to boarding passes with a set allowance per passenger.
14:07 Speaker 02 They do that, don't they?
14:08 Speaker 03 Hopefully, and that's not, I don't think it's linked to your, uh...
14:10 Speaker 02 Yeah, but you can't open, you know that, if you buy a bottle of whisky, you can't open it on the plate.
14:14 Speaker 03 Hopefully, that puts Jordan's mind at ease for a bit for his next trip away. Also, huge congratulations to William on Titanique and Jordan on Soccer Aid.
14:22 Speaker 02 Oh, thank you.
14:23 Speaker 03 Similar things. I love the podcast and always look forward to my Tuesday and Friday drive so I can listen. Love, Steve.
14:29 Speaker 02 Thanks, Steve.
14:30 Speaker 03 Well, I do, I do think more should be, I mean, look, I don't want to be nanny state, but I think more should be linked to your passport or your boarding pass. I think that's a very sensible suggestion.
14:41 Speaker 02 Well, you do, you can't buy stuff at duty-free without giving your boarding pass.
14:45 Speaker 03 Yeah, but I think, but they're not, there's not a limit. There's not a limit on what you can buy, and I think there should be. So when they inevitably make me Prime Minister, because there'll be no one left to ask, um, I think I'm going to bring that in. Ryan has got in touch after producer Ben changed his life. I don't know whether to be, um, flippant with this or not. Darling Ben, dearest William and Jordan. In a recent...
15:10 Speaker 02 See what it says.
15:13 Speaker 03 I was just commenting it up. An old pal, Jordan. Emphasis on old. In a recent episode, you were all chatting about washing and soap. Ben said that he takes a little soap, lathers it up on his belly and then moves the creamy, lathered up mixture across his body.
15:27 Speaker 02 You've got a little bit of sick in your mouth, you know, that's the thought of Ben doing that.
15:31 Speaker 03 Well, I had to go because previously I would have squirted a bit of shower gel in my hand and rubbed it into the various nooks and crannies and in turn used a quarter of a bottle of the stuff. Since taking Ben's approach, it has changed my life.
15:44 Speaker 02 Get a shower scrunchie.
15:45 Speaker 03 I use less shower gel and I have a much, much better time showering and washing experience. I enjoy the sensual feeling of lathering myself up and getting stuck in. It's just amazing. I really recommend giving it a go. Anyhow, this got me all thinking. William, you have your special etiquette bit in the show. George, you have your jolly joke. But I think now it's time for producer Ben's big tip. Or PB's big tip of the week.
16:11 Speaker 02 Jesus Christ.
16:12 Speaker 03 Tip of the week, tip of the week. Every week, Ben shares with his fans a top tip that will make their life so much better.
16:19 Speaker 02 This guy's buzzing. I'm reading this letter. So many exclamation marks and capital letters. He's got, it's changed my life.
16:25 Speaker 03 Let's make it happen. Go producer Ben. We need to and can't wait to get lathered up with your, oh, I don't feel icky reading that.
16:31 Speaker 02 Go on.
16:32 Speaker 03 With your big tip.
16:33 Speaker 02 Ryan's buzzing here. So what did you say again? You said, so basically Ben, what did you say?
16:38 Speaker 04 My bar of soap. I guess like you use a shower scrunchie.
16:41 Speaker 02 Just use a shower scrunchie.
16:42 Speaker 04 But you just use your sort of your natural snail trail to like get a bit of.
16:49 Speaker 02 Oh, that's disgusting. I've seen your snail trail as well.
16:52 Speaker 03 Oh, no.
16:53 Speaker 04 You always comment on my snail trail.
16:55 Speaker 02 I, I got done for pub shaving, yeah.
16:57 Speaker 04 Yeah, you did.
16:58 Speaker 02 I basically said on Twitter, I was like, Ben, you need to shave your pubes and your snail trail. And you're like, what do you mean? And I was like, that fucking, it's like a big triangle of pubes on his stomach.
17:08 Speaker 03 Oh, Jordan.
17:09 Speaker 04 Thanks, Jordan.
17:10 Speaker 02 Oh, sorry. Now I feel the bad guy's trying to be like us, mate, just to say.
17:14 Speaker 04 Well, just that I need to shave my snail trail.
17:16 Speaker 02 You don't need to shave it. You be you.
17:18 Speaker 04 Then I wouldn't be able to lather up like Ryan likes it.
17:20 Speaker 02 Okay. Give us a quick tip now for Ryan. Go on, he's buzzing.
17:23 Speaker 04 I don't have any tips. You shouldn't. You don't, don't iron, you don't need to iron your t-shirts.
17:27 Speaker 02 Oh, God.
17:29 Speaker 03 Becky's messaging about lollipop people. Hello, William Jordan and the Sexton Team. I love listening to your podcast on my walk into work. I often wonder what people think when I'm just randomly laughing to myself. I listened to your Friday episode and the discussion about lollipop people. My mum is a lollipop lady for a primary school in Angmaring.
17:46 Speaker 02 Angmaring?
17:47 Speaker 03 Angmaring. She has been a lollipop lady for around 27 to 28 years. She's always been well-loved by children and parents at school, as she's always smiling and remembers the children's names. She used to get so many presents at Christmas, almost always chocolate, perk of the job, and at the end of term from year six leavers going up to secondary school. She still does get presents, but not as many. I've grown up with her being the lollipop lady and she still wears her big, old, yellow coat and hat. She's there whatever the weather. I can't say for any other lollipop people, but my mum definitely isn't in witness protection. I also knew two other lollipop people for the secondary school in Angmaring until they were no longer required. I'm fairly certain they weren't in witness protection either. I think councils have cut down on having lollipop people, which is why you rarely see them.
18:33 Speaker 03 It's definitely a thankless job in this day and age, and several people have nearly run my mum over while she is working. Apparently they don't see her. But she loves her job and she wouldn't give it up, even though she's 60 and has crippling MS.
18:44 Speaker 02 Oh.
18:45 Speaker 03 So shout out to all the lollipop people out there. Lots of love, always Becky, forever known as the Lollipop Lady's daughter.
18:51 Speaker 02 Tell her lollipop people.
18:52 Speaker 03 Oh.
18:54 Speaker 02 That's lovely.
18:55 Speaker 03 That's excellent. Now, finally, Gemini has written in with a story regarding perfect one-liners. Dear William Jordan and the amazing Sexton Team, I'm a long-time listener and a first-time writer in a not a dilemma, but a short story I'd like to share. Following on from Jordan's local slang, we have a saying up here in Newcastle called a Jordy Kiss, which for the uninitiated means a headbutt. Not that I've ever personally offered one, yet. Also, bringing it back to the conversation about disposing of your personal items when you die, I used to work as an undertaker. We'd often get called out for your coroner's removals, which basically means every job is a lucky dip. You never quite know what you're walking into. One evening I was on a call when we got sent into an unexplained death in what I'll politely describe as a colourful part of town.
19:41 Speaker 03 We knock on the door and the police officer lets us in. Immediately, I'm greeted by dark purple wallpaper covered in silhouettes of pole dancers among some very artistic black and white framed photographs of both male and female anatomy. Honestly, it looked like Anne Summers had teamed up with the Tate Modern. I gave the officer a stunned look and he just laughed and said, "That's not even the best bit yet." So up we go. Halfway up, I notice the stair carpet is absolutely covered in pink feathers and glitter, like Elton John had fought a chicken. We went to the bedroom and the officer tells us the deceased is under the duvet. As I approached the bed, I noticed not one set of feet sticking out from under the covers, but two. So naturally, I'm confused. We were only told there was one body to collect, not a two-for-one spash.
20:24 Speaker 03 So I pulled the duvet back and discovered this poor bloke had sadly passed away mid romance, while entertaining his fully-sized, incredibly lifelike, silicon sex doll. After we dealt with the unlucky Romeo, I looked over at his plastic companion and, without thinking, quietly said, "Sorry for your loss." To this day, I still think that's the closest I'll ever get to delivering a perfect one-liner.
20:45 Speaker 02 It was, it was, I wish, I wish there was other people there to witness it.
20:48 Speaker 03 Thanks for all the laughs that were alive. Thanks for all the laughs over the years and for helping me get through the workday. Kind regards, Gemini.
20:55 Speaker 02 I think that's class. That's somewhat of a sitcom, isn't it?
20:57 Speaker 03 It is. It's very Only Fools.
20:59 Speaker 02 Or just, you can imagine, what's her name saying it from Happy Valley?
21:06 Speaker 03 Sarah Lancashire.
21:07 Speaker 02 Yeah. Sorry for your loss. So she said, "Sorry for your loss" to the blow-up doll.
21:10 Speaker 03 There is that whole plot in with the Del Boy and Rodney sitcom about sex dolls, isn't there? And blow-up dolls. And you could combine that with funerals and it could be Only Fools and Hurst's. Thank you very much. Shall we finish with the comment? Don't be a little bitch because you didn't think of it yourself.
21:32 Speaker 04 Don't be bitter, be better. That's another philosophy.
21:35 Speaker 02 That's another one of mine. Don't get bitter, get better.
21:37 Speaker 04 Yeah, get that on.
21:38 Speaker 02 Don't expect anyone to roll out the red carpet. You've got to kick the door down yourself. Let's finish with our comment of the week. This can be from Spotify, YouTube, or any of our socials. William Hanson.
21:47 Speaker 03 The honourable mentions. Brian commented on my Titanic announcement on Spotify to say, "William has come a long way from watching Titanic on a treadmill."
21:55 Speaker 02 Yeah.
21:56 Speaker 03 Yeah, I'm yet to admit that to my fellow cast members.
21:57 Speaker 02 Do they know that you've not even watched the film properly?
21:59 Speaker 03 No, I am thinking of doing it this weekend, but Mikey says he gets very emotional. So, and don't forget, my Aunt Mandy thinks that she died on the Titanic. She genuinely cannot listen to Celine Dion music. Really, Titanic is not the show for her. She's literally not going to come to watch me. Lucy commented on Spotify, "This whole time, I thought Jonathan Vernon Smith was William's brother." Nice. But our comment of the week comes from Ryan.
22:22 Speaker 02 God.
22:24 Speaker 03 He's literally round the corner. Do you want to say that? Our comment of the week comes-
22:28 Speaker 02 He's here.
22:29 Speaker 03 Well, he's round, yeah. Our comment of the week comes from Ryan on Instagram. "William's big news followed a day later by Jordan's. Eleven a reef, anyone?" Yeah, quite.
22:39 Speaker 02 I didn't plan that. You announced Titanic on the Monday. I know, it's Toy Story 5.
22:44 Speaker 03 Yeah.
22:44 Speaker 02 But I left it a whole week on the podcast.
22:46 Speaker 03 Yes, you did.
22:47 Speaker 02 Yeah.
22:47 Speaker 03 And I'm also, can I just say, and I'm, at the time of recording this, it hasn't gone out yet. I know that I'm going to be absolutely pilloried by the GM Divas for laughing at your announcement. Which, can I just say, Stuart Morgan started. Okay, he laughed first. And I don't know why I laugh, because it's such a-
23:03 Speaker 02 Because you're a horrible boy.
23:05 Speaker 03 Oh, shut up. It's such an achievement for you, especially with your talent. So, it's, I'm joking. But no, honestly, I'm very proud of you and I can't wait to go and see it.
23:16 Speaker 02 Bless you. And I'm proud of you and I can't wait to come and see you at Titanic.
23:21 Speaker 03 Excuse me, little bitch.
23:22 Speaker 04 Jordan just drew a Pinocchio nose.
23:24 Speaker 02 I actually am looking forward to seeing it.
23:26 Speaker 03 Thank you. It's right up your street.
23:28 Speaker 02 I'm going to sit there and fold my arms and just go, "I'm very aware I'm at a play right now."
23:32 Speaker 03 Musical.
23:33 Speaker 02 "I'm very aware I'm at a musical right now. I've not lost, though been escaped."
23:37 Speaker 03 Can I, been escaped?
23:39 Speaker 02 Well, you're meant to escape, aren't you?
23:41 Speaker 03 Can I say that there is currently quite a good Jordan North joke that I put in the show?
23:46 Speaker 02 Oh, well, now I'm coming along.
23:47 Speaker 03 Yeah.
23:48 Speaker 02 Is there actually?
23:49 Speaker 03 Uh huh. Unless it gets cut.
23:50 Speaker 02 Yeah.
23:51 Speaker 04 Probably, knowing Jordan.
23:54 Speaker 03 Oh my god, if I do a Jordan Orf joke, that'll be the last ever performance of Titanic.
23:58 Speaker 04 Yeah, I wouldn't risk it.
23:59 Speaker 02 That's true.
24:00 Speaker 03 Yeah.
24:00 Speaker 02 I don't know if, people won't know who I am that have gone to watch Titanic.
24:04 Speaker 03 Oh.
24:06 Speaker 02 I don't think so.
24:07 Speaker 03 Well, we'll see how it lands in the first couple of shows.
24:09 Speaker 02 Okay. It'd be hilarious if it gets cut though, so do do it. And then there's so much for us to talk about, and everyone can laugh at good old Jordan again. Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday in 24 hours before everywhere else, before anyone else, sorry, on Global Player. If you want to get in touch about something that isn't a dilemma or problem, drop into our DMs, send us an email, [email protected] . Oh, we love hearing back from the people we offer advice to, so if that's you, get back in touch. And we'll see you on Tuesday.
24:38 Speaker 03 In our new set.
24:39 Speaker 02 Yeah, new studio. Goodbye.
Previous Help I’m Monster-Sized | And Jordan’s A GNOME?! Next Help He’s Entering My Tardis | And We've Got A New Studio! Page updated October 30, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated